#you're an incredibly intellectual and i love you more than i thought possible

[saintsenara]

I know you responded with a meme, but if you're able I'd love to hear your thoughts on harry/hermione 👀

fine. i'll scream into a pillow periodically and get through this...

obviously, i don't actually find the concept of harmony sincerely upsetting - people shipping things is never that deep, and because, as i've said before, i subscribe to the principle that any pairing is possible if you just have enough nerve. i've been recommended some harmony fics by people who are fonder of the ship, and while i've not found them immediately compelling, i do appreciate that there are plenty of people who disagree.

but my feelings are basically the same for harmony as they are for dramione: that it's never done interestingly.

harmony is - like all hermione pairings except [broadly] romione - a breeding ground for fanon!hermione, who is perfect and flawless and so clever she can solve millennia-old mysteries in afternoon. i hate this version of the character because i find her boring - it's just standard self-insert stuff, which is fine but not something i have any interest in reading. i similarly dislike the version of harry who appears in these stories, who ends up - like all men in hermione pairings except [broadly] ron - being either this impossibly sophisticated and suave intellectual with the body of a greek god or a doormat who's happy to shut the fuck up forever and do whatever she says.

[i also hate - obviously, since he's my king - the way harmony stories are often even more egregious than dramione ones in writing ron as a cruel and violent misogynist who is ontologically indistinct from your average death eater. and i think it somewhat proves my point that neither of these ships work particularly well that this character assassination has to take place in order to make them plausible...]

and i think the flattening of harry and hermione's personalities within most harmony is the main thing which keeps the ship from being interesting. because - while i certainly don't go in for the common anti-harmony argument that harry actively dislikes hermione - it's undeniable that there is a lot about the two of them which wouldn't be conducive to a harmonious [lol] relationship.

their communication styles - hermione works through problems by debating them, harry prefers not to be challenged - are the obvious one. their ways of expressing affection - hermione shows people she cares about them by nagging them and meddling in their lives, harry very much does not - are another. they have extremely different views about authority, they decompress in different ways [harry is someone who clearly needs to keep physically active to clear his head, hermione is much more of a homebody], and harry's impulsiveness is a poor match for hermione's fondness for planning.

they are also similar in ways which would cause them to butt heads. both have a tendency towards obsessiveness, which they rely in canon on ron pulling them out of. both have a significant capacity for cruelty and extremely black-and-white moral codes - harry has a tendency towards forming judgements on people and situations based on whether they are people he likes or things he benefits from [i.e. how he's appalled by dobby's treatment because his masters are the malfoys, but doesn't give a shit about kreacher's because his abusive master is sirius], while hermione tends to regard any rule-breaking she does as justified even if she'd regard it as outrageous from anyone else [i.e. her fury over harry appearing to use felix felicis to improve's ron's performance at quidditch when she herself confunded cormac mclaggen to get him onto the team...]. both have a tendency towards giving people the silent treatment when they're angry. both are incredibly stubborn...

and so on.

obviously, they also have positive qualities in common too - a shared loyalty, for one - but it always seems to me that the standard move in harmony is for authors to completely ignore these conflicting traits, either really over-egging what makes harry and hermione compatible platonically in the books or just inventing similarities [especially intellectual ones] to justify the pairing. whereas i would much prefer to see just how difficult it would be for harry and hermione to fall and sustain being in love with each other, and i've never seen that done compellingly.

but the conflict i'd love to see explored in harmony fics most of all, but which never seems to be acknowledged by fans of the pairing, is that [despite the fanon slander that ron is the person who behaves poorly towards her] harry is often horrible to hermione and hermione is often scared of harry.

this is at its most profound after ron leaves the horcrux hunt in deathly hallows, but we see several times throughout canon that - if ron isn't there to mediate between them - harry often treats hermione in a way which can be considered downright cruel. if she criticises him in a way he considers unjustifiable, he tends to side with other people against her [ron in prisoner of azkaban over the firebolt; ginny in half-blood prince over snape's textbook]. if she tries to reason with him he often beats her down with the force of his emotions [i.e. when she tries to get him to think about whether his vision of sirius in the department of mysteries might be a trick] or his convictions [i.e. when he lures her into near-death by being certain that nagini is really bathilda bagshot], and she often ends up having to soothe or appease him when he's the one who's screamed at her.

hermione is also scared more generally of harry's experiences - she's by far the least amenable of the trio to talking about voldemort [even though she says his name earlier than ron does] - and mission, which puts up a barrier between them which will be difficult to bring down post-war. i think there's something which could be really interesting there - the most interesting dynamic in hinny, after all, is when harry and ginny's tendency to not actually be honest with each other is explored - but unfortunately at the minute that sort of character work is drowning in a sea of "ron is so stupid and harry and i just love talking about classic literature, come darling, put on your leather trousers and let us solve world hunger; i look like emma watson" nonsense.

dull!

#asks answered #asenora's opinions on ships #harry potter #hermione granger #i'm not tagging the ship for obvious reasons...

[recreationalfanfics]

Yandere Bane Headcanons:

- Not very likely to kidnap you, unless the Batman notices his dangerous obsession with you and tries to take you away from him, but other than that; he would try to avoid kidnapping you. Not to mention that considering his past with growing up as a Prisoner on Peña Duro, he would feel incredibly guilty if he had to lock up his darling but would do it if he believed it was in your best interest.

- That's because he has resources and contacts all over the world, not to mention that Bane's mind works at far greater levels than the average human brain. He KNOWS your psychology, he has observed you long enough to know how you think and what exact thoughts go through your mind. If you ran away, it would not be long before he found you. Honestly, the longest you could escape from him without the help of the Batman would be 3 days, possibly 5 if he takes a day or two to plan out your little reunion with him.

- Bane doesn't like to punish you, he rather hates it. You aren't meant to cower under his touch, you're meant to lean in to it. To seek it out for protection, for when you have lonely nights and need his body close to yours, and to feel how he treats you so gently and softly compared to most others.

- Instead, if you do something bad that he doesn't like, he gently reminds you that it would take no effort to hunt down your loved ones and thats all he has to say. You stare at him as your imagination runs wild at what this hulking brute could do and when he sees that his threat has finally sunk in, he reminds you that it depends solely on you and your behavior if he'll make good of his threat or not. He then turns around and walks away, leaving you alone with your thoughts. You'll make the right choice and be more compliant from there, he's sure of it.

- Bane just really isn't a sadistic yandere to me, given his past, he doesn't want to break you nor does he want to hurt you, deep down; he truly does love you. So while he may not be a threat to YOU, he is a threat to those who he perceives to be threats or bad influences on you. They will be taken care of swiftly and without your knowledge.

- He will romance you naturally and considering his affinity for books, I garuntee you that he'll be hard to resist. Yes you will be put off by the fact he's a literal war criminal, terrorist, and supervillain...you also are not blind. He is a very fine specimen of a man, the accent and his softened behavior towards you definetly doesn't make it any easier for you to resist him. Even then, he is a man of substance and intelligence so there will definetly be an intellectual attraction in which you can talk to him about anything and he will engage with you about it.

- He is a prominent figure in the criminal underworld and holds a respectable reputation among other assassins and mercenaries, basically, no one is going to mess with you and if they do, they will die a lot sooner than they expected to.

- Okay but in the comics, after he uses venom, he canonically gets sleepy so not really a yandere thing but after using venom, he would most definetly seek you out to be his teddy bear. Holding you close to him as his strong grip keeps you in place as he begins to doze off.

#yandere bane x reader #yandere dc comics x reader #yandere dc comics #bane dc comics #yandere eduardo dorrance #eduardo dorrance x reader #yandere bane #yandere gotham rouges #gotham rouges x reader #dc comics x reader #tw yandere #I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS ABOUT THIS MAN

[mayuichi]

Hello!💫 I hope you're doing well.💖 I wanted to ask if you could do a Sherlock and William with a smart fem reader. It could be headcannons or a oneshot. Thank you✨️

Hello hello~! I'm doing perfectly fine, thanks for asking ♥ I hope you're okay as well!

Honestly, I doubt anyone can outsmart them except one another, but they'd definitely love to see you try, or easily guess things others would take a moment to understand. I don't know if I've made this properly? I kinda got carried away at some point I think ehe.. Nonetheless, enjoy!!

sidenote: i might, maybe, possibly, most certainly, do a new oneshot for William. the first i made didn't satisfied me at all, and i've been listening to a song while writing for him in this that made me want the reader to be the one to save him (at least emotionally)

Every picture used are official.

A great detective, if not the greatest of all London. But he is a simple man, most of the time. As long as you don't get on his bad sad or try to challenge him, he'll be simply teasing. You're a rather close friend of him.

Despite working at a small bar as a waitress, there's no denying even for someone like him that you have a great intellect. He loves indulging himself in long and deep conversation with you. He wants your every opinion upon the Lord of Crimes' schemes.

How someone like you, a casual working living her life peacefully, sees things? Are you scared, confused, angry or simply intrigued? If it wasn't to ensure your full safety, he'd often ask you to come along on the crime scenes.

But he can't risk losing you, one of his closest friends. Perhaps he's lying to himself. Perhaps you are more than just a friend. It would surely explain a lot of things.

Every friday, he knows you do the closing shift. He always keeps you company and helps you with some drunk men. It became a habit to try and trick each other in your casual chat. And it's rare that you even have a chance to win to begin with. But isn't it fun enough to see him act like a happy little boy when he obviously outsmart you?

In the end, even you had fallen for the detective. Sherlock is amazing to share his, sometimes useless and random, knowledge. But it's so much more complicated when he has to express how he feels.

If you want to see him struggle, oh girl you will. A faint blush, some soft stutters, his eyes glancing away from yours. On one of those fridays, he even brought you a flower bouquet with a letter within it.

But if you're nice enough to not torture him, his eyes will light up. He'll be able to bother you all day long now! Testing your intellect, asking your opinion and most importantly... Asking to have a complicated disccusion in front of John, or Miss Hudson.

Sherlock just loves to see people getting confused and lost, or even surprised someone can understand him. If you dare come to his place, be ready for literally anything to happen. He'll mostly do everything in his power to outsmart you. Yet, he finds it endearing if you manage to be better.

He thinks it's incredibly appealing when you look so intellectual. But don't think he'll get you off the hook easily though. Dare to challenge or tempt him too much and you'll be in for a long time.

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚༄ؘ ۪۪۫۫｡･ﾟﾟ･ ▹✬▫✬◃･ﾟﾟ･｡ ۪۪۫۫ ༄ؘ ‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾

To his surprise, he finds himself loving chatting with you. You could understand his logic somehow. It was so satisfying. The way you would hum in thoughts. Even when you'd argue with him, you'd be extra cautious.

At first, he even thought you were in love, but perhaps it's the other way around. Yet he can't allow himself that. He'd just keep distance with you.

The day you discovered his true identity, he knew he had underestimated you. He thought you'd be scared, but maybe you are as twisted as him for accepting him this way. You knew he is the Lord of Crimes, and here you are, sharing a cup of tea with him.

He never tells you his plans. Instead, he enjoys watching and hearing you try to guess them, or how he did them. You would never get it fully, but just getting a bit was enough of a reason for him to be entranced by you.

You looked so pure and innocent, and despite knowing better than anyone that appearances aren't always true, he could barely believe you had the mind to think of such morbid things. It made him feel a strange need to protect you from whatever might trouble you in the future.

He'd never want you to join him, but sometimes, he does ask your opinion. As a waitress at a bar, you are the only one who can confirm some possibilities in his plans.

Perhaps he had a twisted desire. Most of the time, he avoids sharing the most grotesque details... But the days where you think you might have a better way to go, he finds a satisfaction in adding those details in his words, seeing your lower lip quiver, your breath itching with fear, your eyes avoiding his.

But you both know you're in too deep to run away now. Not without William making sure you won't be a problem in his plan. But you come back everytime. No matter what horror he tells you.

And on one of your work evening, you thought he'd just have a drink with his brothers and ask you if you haven't seen any suspicious behaviors. But no, he's alone. Cane in one hand, a single rose in the other. As he calls your name, you feel your heart racing. He knows it, and so do you about his own.

Lucky for you, that night, not many people were here. So you went in a lonely corner to have a talk. He had been denying his feelings for so long, he had a hard time expressing them. Or maybe he was scared you would fear him now. Either way, his eyes glowing from the bar's lights and his tears. Usually, he knows how someone feel, or think.

But with you? He finds himself be terrified to be wrong. He'd be delighted if you reciprocate it, but does he deserve such love from someone like you? And if you reject him, how should he even act now?

If you aren't confident enough to make a move, he'll hesitantly take your hand and plant a kiss on it. His voice hoarse, he'll murmure those three little words, expecting to be rejected.

But if you have the courage to do something, or that you're just not stuck in place, his eyes will widen from your sudden embrace. But he'll definitely get the message.

In either case... He won't let you fend to yourself. You were living in a poor apartment, weren't you? Well, he doesn't let you the choice but to come with him. You will never come on his missions, but he'll still cherish your opinion and mind.

With Louis, you'll be the only one allowed in his office, just because he loves it when you mingle in his plans. You have a way to see things, to be a refreshing point of view.

It's very often that before sleeping, you two will have long conversation. And it's almost everyday he teases you if you aren't capable to answer a mathematic problem. But he'll be the most lovely man you ever met.

₊˚ʚ ᗢ₊˚✧ ﾟ.☾✧˚. ❃ ˊ- ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ✧˖*°࿐

/ᐠ - ˕ •マ Ⳋmayuichi's property. do not copy, repost or translate without permission.

#/ᐠ - ˕ •マ ⳋ's writing #fem reader #x reader #yuukoku no moriarty #moriarty the patriot #william james moriarty #william moriarty x reader #sherlock holmes #sherlock holmes x reader #mtp x reader #mtp william #ynm william #ynm sherlock #mtp sherlock

[wisteria-lodge]

badger secondary + burnt lion secondary (fun bird model) (healthy bookeeper badger model) (unhealthy courtier badger model)

Hey, there! So, I've known my primary for a while now (Badger Primary) but I've been a little bit all over the place with my secondary. Was hopin' for a little help.

The one I'm positive I'm not is a Lion Secondary. I have a Double Lion best friend, and I could NEVER be as blunt as she is, and I'd never tell her this, but I honestly wouldn't want to. Lol! Being honest is an incredibly important thing to be, but there's a difference, at least in my mind, between honesty and saying the first thing that comes to your mind without letting it go through at least a little editing first.

Gotta keep the intended audience in mind.

Yeah, not sounding like a Lion secondary. And I'm kind of thinking Deliberate secondary for you (Bird or Snake.) What you're doing doesn't actually seem *automatic.*

For Bird, there's a possibility. I'm seen as very anxious, and I find new situations pretty stressful.

I mean, anyone can be anxious... and especially if it's a VERY new situation - that can be a lot for anybody.

I love collecting knowledge, and I always have an assortment of fun facts at hand that I've tirelessly collected over the years. It's a fun thing for me, and I enjoy doing it. I was also seen as very "intellectual" in school (which I know is not a requirement for being a Bird or a clear indication of being one, but I figured I'd mention it.) Loved school and loved learning, and I still love learning in my adulthood.

The issue is that, when the chips are down, and it's actually time to solve a problem, I tend to just kinda freeze mentally. The way Bird Secondaries are described, it's like, when a problem happens, they pull on a tool they've created for the situation, and then BOOM, they're using it to handle it.

Birds are good at retrofitting old tools to new situations, it's true. But I don't think I talk enough about what happens when a Bird just... comes up with nothing. And I think the answer is they start looking like a Lion secondary, kind of flailing around.

(I also think that *young* Bird secondaries have a way of looking kind of like Lions, because they haven't had an opportunity to build their tools yet.)

When bad things happen, my mind goes blank. I just kinda start doing stuff, anything. Sure, I might remember something important, like some specific training, but for the most part, my brain goes blank and I go into autopilot.

I don't know *how* bad we're talking here. But if you're in full on SURVIVAL mode, this is where the fight/flight/freeze/fawn kicks in. The reason training gets drilled in like that is so it *stays* when your brain isn't working. I've always found that the really intense stuff feels very quiet, and very dreamlike in the moment, and the emotions don't kick in until later. But the point is... that's not SHC stuff.

So far, you read as someone with a fun Bird model that you love, but your problem-solving is probably coming from somewhere else. (Or possibly it's Burnt...)

For Badger Secondary, I think that's the secondary I wish I could be, but I don't think I am. I have ADHD, so being meticulous and thoughtful are just... absolutely exhausting to me.

It might look a little different, but you can 100% be a Badger secondary with ADHD.

I was raised in a family that really pushed always being a Badger Secondary, forget about yourself, help others, others' problems are more pressing than your own.

Oooh that's not a Badger secondary family. What you're describing here is an Exploded Badger primary culture. And if you're a Badger primary yourself... I bet that got confusing.

(100% your family might have ALSO have required Badger secondaries from everyone, I would think that's likely. So I'll keep that in mind.)

Part of me didn't believe it, but much of me still does. I like to help, I want to help, but I'm also Badger Primary, which can feed that want. Secondary is about what you naturally do to serve what you want, and I'm not sure if Badger Secondary is right. But, I do try to be there for people. My natural instinct when someone is in danger is to protect and comfort them, I'm very focused on the mental/emotional state of the victim more than anything else.

Gee, you write like you're a rescue worker or a firefighter. (And a Badger primary.)

When in any kind of conflict at work, I want to soothe them, to calm them down, and I try to become what I think they might want me to be to help them calm down, but it doesn't always work. Part of me also always wants to tell those people fuck it, you caused your own problem, you're on your fucking own. Lol. And it would feel good to tell them that. I wish more tough love was accepted in the world, generally. I would feel like I could breathe more.

Okay, there's a lot going on here. You "become what I think they might want me to be" which is - Deliberate. And more Snake than Bird, because of the whole one-face-per-person thing. (It not working all the time is neither here nor there, you're human, you'll make the wrong call sometimes.)

But... you like the idea of a more tough-love Lion secondary approach. "I would feel like I could breathe more." And there's something about the Badger secondary that you like... maybe it's that "No, you move" energy.

As for Snake Secondary... this one might be it. Only problem is... I kind of don't want it to be? I know there's a whole thing about not letting go stereotypes get in the way, but I want to be the person I pretend to be, I guess. I want to be a Badger Secondary, but I'm afraid I'm a Snake Secondary because, from experience, people do not like you when you behave the way you truly want to. They shun you.

"Behave the way you truly want to."

Okay, let's unpack that.

The face-changing guys (Snake and Bird) want to be behave that way. They are authentic, in that their face-changing is consensual. Same thing with a Courtier Badger, with the caveat that their face-changing isn't as much of a deliberate choice. But it's still something that they want to do.

They can all run into situation where their face-changing is forced on them (becomes non-consensual) and is therefore inauthentic. This is a separate issue from the Lion secondary "eh, I'm going to rub some people the wrong way just by existing, comes with the territory, whatever." And I don't know which one is you.

If I wanna speak more "bluntly," not like my friend, but just more plainly, feel more like ME and less like a persona, people find me too negative, too sarcastic, I speak for too long, or I'm somehow either too passionate or dispassionate and I'm never ENOUGH either way. The performance is tiring. I want to be free to be me, but the true me isn't particularly good at anything.

Oh you're Burnt. I'm so sorry.

Because what you are talking about here is neurodivergent masking. (Which is totally different from Snake masking, I'm sorry the words are the same, I know it's confusing.)

'Too negative' shows up when you don't know if a comment is appropriate to the conversation or not. 'Too sarcastic' happens when you make a joke that doesn't land. 'Speaking for too long' - hyperfixations. 'Too passionate' - probably hypersensitivity. 'Too dispassionate' - possibly a flat affect, or a tendency to shut down.

Now I do not diagnose people here. That is impossible and unethical. But I can say that it sounds like you're masking all the time and that is exhausting. Especially especially for a Badger primary who needs communities they feel safe in, basically to exist.

I promise, I promise, I promise that there are communities out there where you can take off the mask.

I try to be who people want me to be, I try to be the puzzle piece that fits best in the world's puzzle, and I fail at that. I'm never quite what they're looking for.

It sounds like you're desperately trying to model Courtier Badger secondary, and it's hurting you.

Too clumsy, too forgetful, too focused on unimportant things, and I ultimately can't keep up the facade, the cracks begin to show that I'm a fraud and this put-together, organized person is absolutely NOT who I am, and I am shunned.

So you've built yourself a Bookkeeper Badger model. In order to keep your life organized. Good. But then you're guilty and like, sort of imposter-syndrome about the fact that this isn't your entire personality, that this isn't *enough*

Then, I try to be myself. More funny, more sarcastic, slightly more blunt, just slightly, just enough to reveal the passionate and opinionated person I am underneath. I woukd never want to actually hurt anyone's feelings, but I have to air out the things I truly feel every once in a while. I have to be me.

Sorry to break it to you, but you're a lion secondary. And you're plenty likable.

But, at least in some circles, I scare people away. Like it's sudden whiplash in the differences between my two personalities. Those I meet while trying to be my put-together persona are usually really turned off by the more real, true me. They usually don't get me, think my interests are weird, or that I'm just too intense (hearing Angelica Schuyler describe herself in Hamilton the first time... I'd never felt more seen by a character in something EVER. Some men say that I'm intense or I'm insane. Lol!)

Angelica's a pretty loud Lion secondary.

Now, I know to some degree it's my own Lion primary talking, but I read this and think "that sounds like a them problem." I know that having a Badger primary is going to make thinking that way harder, and having an Exploded Badger family culture is going to make it even harder than that.

But, I don't know what to tell you. You sound fun to hang out with. And there's a reason Badger Lion is the Protagonist sorting, and the Starfleet Officer sorting. People *like* them.

Well, anyway, that was a long winded way to ask for some help. Lol! Were you able to pick up on any clues? Thanks so much if you even attempted to read this! Lol.

Always with the Burnt secondaries and the apologies....

#sortinghatchats #sortme #wisteria sorts #badger lion #badger primary #exploded badger #lion secondary #burnt secondary #bird model #bookkeeper badger #courtier badger

[josiecarioca]

So my question is basically how do you think Evelyn will take Severus's role in the wizarding war? I mean, as far as I have seen her as a character and read your main story about the two I can categorise Evelyn into someone who might have very strong ideals and a nearly unshakable morality. She doesn't seem the type that can understand the grey area between good and bad, right and wrong. She looks like someone who would very easily divide people into either black or white (at least that's how I have understood her, till now that is).

Do you think she will be able to forgive Snape's transgressions? Understand the place where he came from, the things he had to do. His nightmares, his problems, his faults, his reasoning, justifications anything?

It is after all very messy, complicated and incredibly difficult to attune a person like Evelyn whom you have described as a very real flesh and blood boisterous lively woman to a person who is basically all smoke and mirrors. The contrast between them though symbolically and aesthetically delectable does look increasingly jarring when thought about deeply.

Do you believe that Evelyn can make peace with the fact that the man she loves can very easily be stacked into the dark side on account of him actually perpetually hanging at the brink of white and black?

It took me ages to answer this ask because I didn't really know where to start, since this question has oh-so-many layers to it. Needless too say this answer contains major spoilers for all published chapters so far.

So, @pixiesandstarlight, to give your question a short answer: Yes, Evelyn will eventually come to terms with Severus true self. But it will be a rocky road.

Now, on to the needlessly long answer...

You're right when you say Evelyn is a very moral person with nearly unshakable principles, but the truth of the matter is, it's been quite easy for her to be like this. Evelyn is at her core a compassionate and accepting person, but she's also very sheltered, specially when compared to Severus. Evelyn comes from a loving, stable family who provided her with all the tools necessary for personal success and stability: care, affection, an excellent education, a comfortable home, emotional support, intellectual encouragement, sound moral and ethical guidance...Her dad was an educator and a free thinker, who went out of his way nurture and encourage his children and her mother's parenting style, while leaning towards the more strict side, put great value in compassion and love as core spiritual values (Sophia is a pious catholic who immediately took Fin in her home when he was kicked out of the house for being gay, so it's clear her idea of faith has more to do with love than dogma).

Evelyn was also blessed with personal charisma that made it very easy for her to make friends and connections. In short, Evelyn never faced true hardship like Severus did, and she was never put in a position where she had to make difficult choices from a moral standpoint. It's rather easy to hold on to a strong set of values when they never been challenged. At points, she even comes across as almost naïve or high and mighty in the way she deals with things.

Now there's one important thing to consider: the one, real tragedy in Evelyn's life, which is Paul's death.

There's an interesting aspect to appreciate here, in that everything about her brother's death is borne out of (well intentioned) deception. Paul only had his accident because he was never instructed on basic magic safety, and that happened because Evelyn's grandfather, Marius, never disclosed the fact that he was a Black, and there was a real possibility any of his descendants would be magical. That deception was rooted both in his own personal trauma and inability to discuss it as well as his need to protect his family from further trauma. It's possible that until Paul started to manifest signs of magic, the thought of revealing his secret never occurred to him (what would be the point?), and by the time he realized he'd have to say something, Paul's tragic passing merely dissuaded him, and he felt like saying something would be pouring salt on the wound (also who would believe him?). There's also the fact that (as some readers may have realized already) Dumbledore himself convinced him not to say anything (again, because it would be pointless AND it might draw attention to the muggle branch of the black family. It was 1971...the first wizarding war was on)

The problem with this is, Evelyn was an eyewitness. She saw Paul performing magic, she saw him die from a spell gone wrong, she saw magical creatures, and she saw Dumbledore talking to Marius. And she told the adults, because that was the right thing to do, as she was taught: you tell the adults when something is wrong. Her grief-striken parents simply thought she was making up stories to cope with the loss (an opinion that was echoed by the therapist that treated Evelyn, because, again, her parents were trying to do what was best for her, and taking your traumatised child to a therapist IS the responsible thing to do...not their fault this plan couldn't account for the literal existence of magic), and her grandfather thought it would be best for her if she also believed she was just imagining things. Again, because he was desperate to keep the family's stability, and also to keep them off the radar. So, Evelyn, who was raised to value truth, honesty and morality, really did convince herself she was imagining things. Because the only alternative would be that she was lying, because magic isn't real. And lying is wrong, so she couldn't be lying...therefore she was imagining, so she needed help and therapy...she was mentally unsound because her brother died. That became her truth.

So Evelyn did grow up with that * one* issue: the vague feeling that there was a lie, something that didn't quite add up at the core of all she believed to be true and where her entire moral compass comes from. Her aversion to deception and stubborn hold on the very idea of truth as an absolute has a lot to do with that. That's also at the root of her insecurity about her mental stability. Because if the truth is absolute, any deviation from it must be in her head, she's imagining things, she's “crazy”.

Now enter Severus. Who is...well, Severus, as we all know. He grew up without any of the advantages Evelyn enjoyed, had none of of the care, affection and guidance she got from her family and has made morally questionable decisions time and time again, either because he had to or because he didn't know better. And now he has to live with all of that. Yes, Severus is the kind of man Evelyn would avoid like the plague if she had known the truth about him right off the bat. But she didn't. All she knows at first is that he's a reserved, grouchy but extremely intelligent and intriguing man. She doesn't know Severus like we (the readers) do, she knows this persona he created for himself to live as a muggle. And it's not exactly a deception: Severus really is this quiet, socially awkward intellectual she falls for. But that's only a part of who he is. And he knows that if she discovers everything else, she won't react well.

So he simply doesn't tell her.

But here's the thing, Evelyn does love him. She loves him to the point she's willing to work things out even when she finds out he'd been lying to her. She's willing to forgive the lies because 1- she loves him this much (time and time again she even berates herself for letting her emotions get the best of her, and even wonders why she's so madly in love with this man that she's willing to put up with all this) and 2-, at this point she has been put in the position of contemplating her grandfather's story, and how wizarding society pushed him away, and why he felt he had to conceal things from those he loved the most. She knows her grandfather was a good man, who loved his family and would do anything to protect them. So she understands him. Consequentially he's perfectly willing to accept Severus deception (much like her grandfather's) came from a place of emotional fragility and fear of rejection. And she forgives, because she was raised to forgive. It's part of her mother's set of spiritual teachings, it's part of her identity, having been raised by a spiritual mother and a humanist father: to try and understand human fragility, to accept imperfection, to forgive when true repentance is shown (which would be living up to the catholic ideals she was raised with, tbh).

HOWEVER, even then, Severus doesn't tell her everything. At first he gives her a vague narrative of his life. He leaves out the most unsavory parts. And there's simply a lot for her to take in all at once. She holds on desperately to her love for him to make peace with the fact that there's so much to him she doesn't know. And as she keeps finding out more, that love is tested time and time again, and she's put in a position, for the first time in her life, to contemplate the gray areas of morality on which he navigates and why he does it. Interestingly, her delving into the gray areas of his life also give him a chance to move more towards the “lighter” side she inhabits, since her insistence on honesty and truthfulness also pushes him to face his own demons head on, and learn how to operate on an “open field” abd be vulnerable (at least when it comes to her). Because as Evelyn proves herself willing to accept him with all his idiosyncrasies, he finds that there's no more real need for “smoke and mirrors”.

To be frank Evelyn also has plenty of help through this process. Through her interactions with other people (mostly Minerva, Harry and Draco) she gets to see multiple sides to Severus, and understand him and his motivations, and find empathy beyond the fact that she loves him. Find empathy for him as a person, and not just accept him because she's in love with him. And she also discovers new things about herself, about the limits of her own acceptance and what she's really like when confronted with dilemmas she never had to even think about before.

After all, you never really know how you'll react to a moral dilemma until you're confronted with it, and even the most self-assured among us may end up surprising themselves with what they find after a little soul searching.

#oof that was long #THANK YOU for this ask #severus snape #evelyn black #severus x evelyn #post war #rambling #snape fanfiction

[queenofthedramedies]

The Hunter's Council Chapter 23: The Lies You Built Your House Upon

Hello, my lovely readers. Welcome back. There have a lot of things that prevented me from continuing my fics, but I'm trying to get back into the writing thing. On with the show...

12 Hours Earlier:

It started with ten drinks. Or maybe it was twenty-five. At some point, Klaus Mikaelson lost count. He felt more relaxed than he had in some time. Caroline had passed her test. His family were reunited, except for Kol, but after he was done with his tantrum of the century, he, too, would return. Even Hayley Marshall slid down Klaus' list of threats, for the time being. Poor girl was nursing a broken heart, and was as clueless to Caroline's secret, as far as Klaus knew. However, he could be patient and would find out what his wife kept from him, in time.

Swirling the empty shot glass in his hand, Klaus admired the prism of colors that no human eye could detect. Then his gaze slid to his drinking partner, Kai Parker, who turned out to be more interesting than Klaus first suspected. "You said you're a demonology expert?"

With a smirk, Klaus swiveled on his stool in the Mystic Falls Grill. His partner-in-drinking-the-bar, for the night, gazed back at him with a wide grin. "Yes!" Kai clapped Klaus on the shoulder. "You would not believe how many vampires think I'm kidding about that. Of course, you're no ordinary vampire. The one! The only! Klaus Mikaelson!" Holding up his hands, Kai seemed to be highlighting Klaus' name. Or maybe he wanted to fall off the barstool. Either seemed possible.

Hand shooting outward, Klaus steadied Kai before the witch could tumble off the stool and onto the bar floor. Falling against the side of the bar top; Kai waved to the bartender. "One more round for me and my new bestie!"

The bartender shook his head. "You're cut off, man."

Kai leaned over the bar. His index finger pointed at the bartender. The witch looked quite serious, now. Feeling a mild sense of foreboding, Klaus reached in his pants pocket and pulled out his wallet. "Will this do?" He held up a hundred dollar bill between two fingers.

For a moment, the bartender seemed to mulling it over. Then he pushed off with one foot, coming to collect the bribe. "Cause you're a regular. Here." He pulled out a bottle of bourbon. "Get him," he nodded at Kai, "out of here."

Klaus smiled, slapping the money on the bar top and took the bottle. "Come, my friend, we shall take our celebration elsewhere." He grabbed Kai by the collar of his jacket and spun the younger man towards the door. He'd intended on getting Kai alone anyway. This made it easier.

As they walked through town, to the casual observer, two drunken men out for a stroll, Klaus propelled them towards a specific spot: An alley where he dumped a victim, or two, along the way. Although Klaus also favored it for a place to have a private conversation with an informant, which Kai might be.

With a sigh, Kai fell against the wall. "Caroline's great. Isn't she?"

Feeling a bit confused, and a tad bit possessive; Klaus forced himself to keep smiling. "Yes. She is." In spite of his intentions, an edge entered his voice.

Kai, apparently, was not as drunk as Klaus had first thought. He straightened up. Smoothing his collar. "I don't mean it like that. I mean she's incredible. An incredible find. An intellectual discovery. Of sorts." His blue eyes searched the stars above. "I never thought I'd meet someone like her. In regard to her existence, within our species."

Now, Klaus wondered if he had drunk too much. Somehow, he'd lost the thread. "Species?"

Kai's eyes moved to Klaus. They held a spark. Knowing that spark all too well, Klaus leaned closer. He offered Kai an open smile of his own, "What species are we speaking of, pray tell?"

Unable to contain himself, Kai blurted, "Caroline's created a whole new chapter in my studies of demonology. Imagine, the first Demon Slayer?" He let out a quiet laugh. "No one would believe me if I told them. Well, except for Freya, and Hayley. But Freya is one of the only beings who understands any of it. And Hayley, I was pleased with her interest. I never get to talk about this with anyone outside my field." He paused and then shrugged. "Just kind of shocked Caroline told Hayley. Thought Caroline wanted to keep it a secret." He shook his head. "Guess not..."

Klaus had been silent the entire time. "Who else knows?"

Lips pursing, Kai tapped his fingers against the brick wall. "Eh. Well, me. Freya. I think. Hayley. And you." Freezing, Kai said, "You don't think Hayley will tell The Council?" His entire body straightened. "I need to go home and move the books... My on-going research. If The Council got ahold of it--"

Slapping a hand on Kai's shoulder, Klaus nodded. "Yes. Do. Go home. And see to it that you do not speak of Caroline's...ancestry, to anyone else. Will you?"

"No problem. My lips are sealed." Pressing his finger tips together, Kai made a show of zipping his lips and tossing away the key. Then he took off.

Eyes boring into Kai's back, Klaus held back his seething rage. Ordinarily, he would have killed Kai were he stood, but the fact was that he was the only expert that they knew. Caroline might need him, one day. And his stupidity would have to overlooked, this time.

With a growl, Klaus took a long gulp from the bottle of bourbon. Freya, Klaus knew he could trust with Caroline's secret. Hayley. Never. Now, he had a slayer to kill. But he had to form a plan in order to achieve his goal, while the others were occupied. Which meant there would need to be a distraction and nothing said distraction like a little drama.

With a humorless smile, Klaus tossed the bottle into the street. The spray of glass shards gave him some satisfaction. However, feeling Hayley's bones crunch under his own hands would provide even more. Tomorrow. Tomorrow, she would pay for her curiosity.

Continue Reading

Thank you for reading, faving, following and reblogging.

-J

#caroline forbes #klaus mikaelson #klaroline #elijah mikaelson #hayley marsall #tyler lockwood #rebekah mikaelson #bonnie bennett #freya miklaelson #tvd fanfiction

[ddaengboys]

BTS Tag Game

I was tagged by the stupendously sweet @bangtantannie Thank you my most precious bean. I’m excited to be doing a BTS tag :3

1. First BTS song?

The first ones I listened to ever were Anpanman and Airplane Pt.2, when @adoreyoongi was first trying to get me into them (Anpanman was/is one of her favorites and she knows I’m a sucker for latin pop music so I absolutely loved Airplane Pt.2 we aren’t going to talk about my initial hared of the queen Anpanman). The first video I watched that got me into them was the fake Love and DNA dances practices. From then on it’s been a downward spiral :D

2. First bias?

Technically Hobi I think, because I’m big weak for dancers and boy can daaaaaaance. But I literally remember texting Rachel about how attractive I thought Jin was in the Save Me MV (because he is don’t fight me on this) and I told her I think the main reason I thought he was so hot was because he reminded me of Joon. She then called me out for not commending them on their own talents and characteristics and I told her I couldn’t help it cause Joon had essentially stolen my heart and made me want to move to Korea to start a family with him.

3. Current bias?

Kim Namjoon is and always will be my big, dumb, giant, dimpley, tree baby. But like, I’ve also just accepted my status as OT7 hoe  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

4. Put the members in order of you bias list.

Once upon a time I took and quiz that said my bias list went as follows:

Kim Namjoon

Jeon Jungkook

Min Yoongi

Jung Hoseok

Park Jimin

Kim Taehyung

Kim Seokjin

Now am I saying this is official? No. Am I saying that this is even close to being currently accurate? Also no. But is it wrong?  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

5. Favourite BTS Song?

Depends on my mood tbh;

If I want to get hype af then go to’s are Baepsae or Cypher Pt. 3

If I want to be soft and in my feels then You Never Walk Alone or Young Forever

If I want to admire the long journey they’ve been on then So 4 More or Born Singer (the live versions please)

but honestly there isn’t a single song by BTS that I haven’t liked

6. Favourite BTS song that is underrated?

No one ever talks about So 4 More which is a travesty because it’s an absolute masterpiece. The video is wonderful and they’re babies and cute and I love them please go watch <3 All right just know I definitely stopped completing this tag so I could watch this and cry so please watch

7. Favourite song of Wings?

Lost 100%. It’s so amazing (but again what song of BTS isn’t)

8. Favourite song of LY Her, Tear and Answer?

Her: dimple (I wonder why :3)

Tear: Love Maze or Paradise (such beautifully crafted masterpieces)

Answer: Trivia: Love

9. Favourite music video?

Save Me. Watch it. Educate yourselves on a masterpiece.

10. Favourite dancer?

I don’t know about you but my dance line has 7 members  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (i.e my way of saying I have no clue; they’re all dance gods and even if they all don’t have a background in dancing, each member is insanely talented and works so hard so that the excellently crafted choreography can be executed flawlessly)

11. Favourite vocalist?

I don’t have one, each member has a certain skill set and area and style that is unique to them that makes them shine in their own way. I genuinely am not able to pick a favorite because I think they’re all amazing individually and excel even higher as a unit.

12. Favourite rapper?

*See above reason*; with the addendum, I am a giant hoe for rapline and would do anything to and for them.

13. Favourite hair colour for each member?

↳ Jungkook: He’s had two and both look great on him

↳ Taehyung: “dark brown,, preferably with his mullet back 😭 I miss her” OH SO HAL IS AN INTELLECTUAL!!! OKAY!!!! WE RESPECT YOUR VERY VALID AND CORRECT OPINION ON HIS BEST HAIR COLOR AND STYLE (no but also I’m a fan of his red hair from Save Me because again that MV is a masterpiece and his blue hair from right now cause every day I’m waking up and crying over how good it looks on him)

↳ Jimin: Pink is amazing on Jimin always, one of his best hair colors; but also blonde because genuinely I forget that Jimin isn’t a natural blonde. Like it looks so perfect on him and fits his aesthetic excellently.

↳ Namjoon: PURPLE KIM NAMJOON LET’S GOOOOOOOOO

↳ Hoseok: I love me a cherry boy (specifically a cherry boy from the Mic Drop era)

↳ Yoongi: Blonde is amazing but he said it best, there isn’t really a hair color that he doesn’t look good in (which is why they always change his)

↳ Jin: Jin from Save Me and pink haired Jin are absolutely amazing

14. Favourite choreography?

Baepsae x y34u932py4670738473264739217894327460318057348916870478392-614730648932-618648913-

15. Favourite ships?

These are platonic (<------- !!!!!!) buT:

↳ Tae and Jimin, the 95z soulmates for life

↳ Yoongi and Jungkook, they’re father and son. Actually fight me on this

↳ “Minjoon/TaeJoon aka PAPA JOON” AND HERE WE GAIN HAVE HAL BEING THE BIGGEST INTELLECTUAL ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET!!!! I AGREE WITH THIS SO MUCH AND EVEN HAVE TAGS DEDICATED TO THESE LOVELY FATHER/SON PAIRINGS

#hal thank you so much for tagging me in this! #it was so fun #also #what i learned from this? #you're an incredibly intellectual and i love you more than i thought possible #please be my friend #tag games

[addictedtostorytelling]

What would be your top 3 favorite things about GSR? :)

hi, anon!

choosing just three things is difficult, but here goes:

i love that though they each individually feared that they were unlovable, they eventually were able to love that fear right out of each other. there is something so incredibly beautiful to me about this story of two people who for separate reasons each feel like they are the only one™ and think "no one could ever possibly stand to stick with me" finding each other and doggedly, stubbornly, purposefully, improbably loving each other even as they face all manner of opposition and obstacles and setbacks and circumstances that conspire to keep them apart, and in so doing proving to each other that they are not alone and that they are deserving of love. everything else in the world tells them "you're not worthy," but they affirm to each other again and again, "i love you more than anything. you're my one and only. i choose you," until finally that message sinks in to the point that they're both able to believe it, down to their bones. like i've said before, that's such a human and hopeful thing. that's such an important story to tell. i'll never get over it.

i love how well-suited they are for each other. the ancient greeks had a term homophrosyne which referred to two people feeling and thinking alike and essentially being "of a feather." it was traditionally used to describe married couples comprised of intellectual equals who were especially united and shared a common goal (e.g., odysseus and penelope). to me, that's grissom and sara to a t. while they are very much separate people and do have distinct differences between them, there is also this incredibly deep-seated likeness between them. as i talk about in this post, "they are the quintessential scientists, perpetually curious about the world they live in and searching for empirical knowledge to help them understand their existence. they both struggle with feelings of unlovability but also themselves love others fiercely. in many ways, they are both outsiders and loners. they are also both ‘old souls.’ one could use many of the same adjectives to describe them: bookish, introverted, socially awkward, wry, intelligent, fastidious, obsessive, lonely, thoughtful, kind, etc." there's such an intimate understanding between them that makes them so well-suited for each other, to the point where i cannot imagine either one of them ever being with anyone else. they are soulmates, best friends, and better halves. they just go together. they make sense.

i love how happy they make each other. while their story has more than its fair share of angst in it, for sure, when they're together and not being torn apart by unfortunate production realities and/or stupid writer contrivances, there's this very genuine joy about them. they make each other smile (see here and here). they have fun together. it's obvious that they're each other's favorite people. so often with tv couples, it's like, "okay, they're ‘in love,’ or so we’ve been told, but do they even like each other? are they even friends?" but with gsr, there's no question that they revel in each other's company. watching them together in the reboot, i have no trouble believing that they live a happy life on their boat. it's easy to imagine that they make great conversation with each other, that they like keeping each other's company, that there's no one else they'd rather spend time with, etc. i love that they're so over-the-moon about being together. one just can’t help but adore their love story because they so clearly adore being in love with each other.

thanks for the question, anon! please feel welcome to send another at any time.

#answered #anon #asks: csi #** #my meta #meta: csi #meta: gsr #csi #gsr #otp: gsr #let's talk shop #csiverse

[whitewolfofwinterfell]

You know you're getting more asks from me since I'm obsessed with the eloquence and insight of your answers ;) A Stelena one: what do you see as their commonalities and their main (and hopefully complementary) differences? What are your five or so favorite Stelena scenes of the series? And other than wishing they had stayed together and were endgame, what's one thing you'd have wanted to see more of or less of from their relationship?!

Well, I’m always up for answering asks, so thank you for sending them in! 

To answer your first question about Stefan and Elena’s similarities, they share a lot which bring them together. They’re both incredibly emotional people; they’re sensitive and feel things deeply. This is why they both struggled to adjust as vampires, because the heightened emotions they felt overwhelmed them. In fact, as vampires they were very similar in regards to their loss of control when feeding, the depression, the ruthlessness when they had no humanity and keeping trophies from their victims. They’re particularly attuned to the emotions of others and this is the foundation for their compassion. Whilst Damon’s instinct was to kill Caroline when she first turned because she was an “inconvinience”, Stefan and Elena never once considered that and devoted themselves to helping her. Similarly, despite Damon’s actions (particularly in the early seasons), neither of them ever gave up on him and were able to sympathise with him even when he did something unforgivable. 

Their sensitivity also leads them to have another commonality: writing in journals. This is all part of the way they express themselves and process their thoughts and emotions in a healthy way. But the journals are about more than this; they’re a manifestation of the loneliness they feel. In season 1, Elena feels incredibly isolated following the deaths of her parents. Likewise, Stefan feels lonely as a vampire who is unable to connect with humans but doesn’t fit in the supernatural world either due to him not feeding on humans. So in addition to them both being emotional people, the emotions they experienced were very similar. This is what brought them together in season 1, because they had a spiritual connection and understanding that stemmed from them both feeling alone and like they don’t belong. 

Stefan and Elena also have the same moral compass and operate on the same wave length. Their priority is always to care for those around them and to act on compassion and forgiveness. They repeatedly show forgiveness and mercy to those that wrong them and their calling to help people was why Stefan wanted to be a doctor and why Elena actually became a doctor. They also share the same philosphy in regards to how they live their lives. Despite there being constant drama in Mystic Falls and danger lurking right around the corner they both believe in the importance of living in the moment and appreciating what they have in the present. 

Intellectually, they were also on the same level which we saw hints of from their exchange of books, the way they expressed themselves in their journals and interest in medicine. They also wanted the same from their life - to be human, to have a family, to be doctors. Their visions for their ideal future perfectly aligned and so in this way they also understood each other. 

As for their differences, their main one is that Elena is much more extroverted than Stefan. She’s more sociable and likes to go out and party, dance and have fun. In comparison, Stefan is much more introverted and although he’s able to socialise without any problems, he’s far from being a social butterfly. Of course, in this respect they compliment each other because Elena is able to bring Stefan out of his shell and enable him to be himself in a safe environment.

I would also say that Stefan is a darker character than Elena. Elena is certainly not a saint and she struggles to adjust to being a vampire but Stefan struggles with his darker impulses a lot more than Elena does. Whilst Elena is able to get control over her urges and impulses by the end of season 4, for Stefan it’s an ongoing struggle. I really put that down to the fact that Stefan is so much older than Elena and has endured hurt and had experiences that are so deeply embedded in him and that impact everything he thinks and feels as well as how he behaves. Even in this way though, they compliment each other because Elena is Stefan’s anchor, the tether to his humanity and what keeps him grounded. Whenever he loses control or is struggling to keep a handle on things, she’s there to act as his voice of reason and to remind him of who he truly is. 

Choosing just 5 favourite scenes is impossibly difficult because I love so many but some of my favourites are: 

3x14

I just love the angst in this scene. How Elena is going to let him leave but then catches the door just before it closes because she can’t watch him leave without saying what needs to be said. I love what she says to him and how she challenges the way in which he’s shut her and everybody out. This is Elena knowing Stefan better than anyone; seeing through the facade and knowing that no matter how indifferent he acts or how hard he pushes her away underneath it all he still cares and he still feels just as deeply as she does. I love how at first Stefan tells her to stop because he can’t handle facing up to these emotions but how he breaks down and admits how much he hates himself for the way in which he hurt her. I love the way physical touch is used; how she uses her hands to encourage him to meet her eyes but he resists because he’s too ashamed to look at her. And I love the final line “If I let myself care all I feel is pain”, because it needs to be said and now Elena can finally understand why he has been behaving the way he has. 

3x20

I love everything about this scene. Not only do they both look gorgeous, but it’s so sweet, tender, romantic, sentimental, reminiscent and pure. It’s two people that have a complex history, that have been through hell and ripped apart, coming back together and falling in love all over again. You can sense how nervous and giddy they are and how taken they are by each other. There’s a clear spark and for tonight they can forget about all of the crap they’ve been through and enjoy being together. They compliment each other, Stefan gives her a token of his love and they have a little bit of banter with the whole “Some guy I dated said it once or twice” and don’t even get me started at the way they look at each other in this scene. Definition of heart eyes.

4x01

This scene encompasses everything I love about Stefan and Elena. Elena is about to die, but she’s so selfless and loves Stefan so much that she wants to give him hope that they could find a way to save her without her having to complete the transition. They can’t even see each other, but the power of their words is what makes this scene. Elena loves Stefan so much that she died making her way back to him and right here she’s telling him that she doesn’t regret that because she loves him so much and it will always be the best choice she’s ever made. You really can’t get more true love than that.

2x11

There are three words of dialogue in this scene “Elena, hey” and “Hi”, yet this scene is so bloody powerful. The sheer relief in Elena’s face and the way she throws herself into Stefan’s arms, how he holds her close and breathes her in, the way they cup each others faces and gaze at each other so adoringly. You can see in that one look that they are each others light, they actually glow. Their kiss is passionate and filled with emotion, the way they collapse onto the bed and the perspective shifts so that we’re looking in through the window at this private moment as Elena constantly pulls Stefan closer and they kiss more fiercely. I honestly love this entire scene and will never get tired of it.

2x05

Once again, this scene is one of those that encompasses everything I love about Stefan and Elena. They’re a team and they’re united. Elena knows better than anyone the struggles Stefan has with his bloodlust and she also knows that he needs his strength now more than ever. And she trusts him and is devoted to him so much that she willingly offers him her blood. Blood sharing, as we all know, is intimate and personal and it binds them together in an extremely profound way. Her simple statement, “It’s you and me, Stefan. Always” is the perfect dialogue for this specific moment because it’s the two of them becoming one. After Stefan has feed from her, the way Elena looks at his vampire face and how she leans in to kiss him, completely accepting and showing him how much she loves him. It gives me all the feels. 

2x18

This is one of the most underrated Stelena scenes and I love it so much. After everything they go through in season 3 this is a completely honest and unfiltered conversation where they finally say all of the things they’ve been wanting and needing to say. I just love that dialogue “I never stopped loving you”, “I know that. I know you didn’t, even though I did everything possible to push you away”. It’s so honest and it’s so simple but effective. And I think it’s so powerful that Stefan is so attuned to Elena and so sure of their love that he doesn’t even doubt that she loves him. He knows that she loves him and he never stopped, but he admits that he also knows he has done so much wrong and that he probably isn’t deserving of that love. I also love that he isn’t afraid to confront her about Damon and acknowledge her feelings for him. He could easily ignore it, but he doesn’t, he faces up to it but he reassures Elena that regardless of how he feels he loves her and he will always love her. It’s such a powerful and understated scene. It reaffirms how much they love each other despite everything they’ve been through and it’s not over the top or in your face, it’s real. 

I could choose so many more, but since that’s 6, I’ll leave it there. 

#answered #meant-to-be-waiting-for-me #my meta #tvd meta #stelena

[minijeong]

Kudos to you for sleeping, even if it is 8:30am!!! Thank you so much for your incredible hard work this comeback, it's so amazing to have you as a content creator and I know that you're doing tons of work that we aren't seeing on tumblr for izone fans on other platforms. I legit was not expecting to be so emotional about this comeback but I WAS and I love Iz*one so much, my heart feels like it'll burst. Can we get more of your thoughts on the comeback? Thank you so much for everything.

thanks for your support as always! tbh i was so sure i was gonna sleep instead of staying up bc i went out the entire day... but i couldnt stop thinking about izone...

honestly theres a point in time for kpop groups when they begin to evolve from idols to artists... and i feel like that is starting to happen to izone

im honestly so freaking happy about fiesta because it’s so much more than i imagined it would be. tbh usually when fans freak out about the dance i cant really trust it most of the time, but after seeing wizone reactions to the showcase on twt i really wanted to believe... and im so glad that they delivered

their dancing feels so genuine to me and it feels like theyre all on the same page and there isnt a single member throwing off the balance and they all have the same fire and intention in their eyes. i dont know how to explain it but my heart can feel how much they value respect and take seriously the stage and the music and the fans. and this honestly reflects back into the people that work with them; the staff, videographers, stylists, etc. the video editing was amazing for mv. the outfits were perfect for the dance both visually and as well for comfort for dancing (the boots are comfy to dance in... much better than violeta shoes). 

can you imagine how much further they’ll continue to grow if theyve already improved and achieved this much in this amount of time?

before i go into small and random thoughts i had imma end it off and say 

stream fiesta and listen to my baby’s ballad thx for coming to my ted talk

small random things i noticed:

yenas dancing is absolutely stunning. she always jokes around and get called a joker and a bluffer and then yuri laughs and says yena needs more practice... but to be able to convey through dance and performance at this level you need to think a LOT and work A LOT i love her

eunbi got given parts that made use of her vocal range and her voice came out so strong... and spaceship made me feel things

there are small parts in the choreo that are “between moves” but they keep focus and also kept that clean... they really went to that level of detail...

ahn yujins growth is freaking scary... and she learned how to dance as a tall person to match short members (this is actually a skill LOL i got yelled at in practice for like 4 months straight for it until i learned)

chaeyeon can include head parts in choreography while keeping the camera’s intention is kind of super insane

im worried for some of their knees in that one leg down part (except for chaewon and yujin who are v stable)

when hitomi did textures in her part i fking cheered my heart out even though it was one second LOL

ive never felt an idol step on my so hard until chaewon’s first part when she threw down and stomped girl GET IT. she also looks down on u like ur a piece of shit i love it we love our swearing girl crush legend

i dont know how two people are able to share a dance break when the formation stays the same and they dont share centre but chaewon and chaeyeon did it

yuri at 4s going down wow

there are times when cheonjae ahn yujin really slows her moves down and takes her time and makes us feel it and i love that

theres a part where they throw their arms up and yujin is in the centre and she doesnt throw her arms up all the way to match everyone elses arm height and that was peak intellectual

whoever izones choreographer is theyve been respecting the music since forever and i appreciate that

theres always one idol in a group that doesnt hold the camera long enough at the end of their part and izone used to have that as well but it doesnt happen anymore wtf

the dance lets eunbi show off her strength rather than going for elegance and i think she slapped me a few times and bonked me with her hips a few times but i encourage that

i love yujinnies hair

hitomis stage presence improved so much i freaking love her

i want yena fancam shes so good

u might be wondering why i care about textures so much but textures are THE thing that kpop always lacked which thus took away the meaning from the dance. u cant always punch and u cant always make things soft and izone GETS IT

chaeyeon dancing looks so happy and that makes me happy 

little main vocal nako is my love

wonyoungs vocal improvement is crazy

the way yuri says hwalryeohan in her chorus ohmygoodness

yena’s chorus in spaceship where she showed us vocal prowess by not going falsetto on the high note

yuri spacebuns

mombi in denim

dimple aegyo yujin in spaceship bridge

the way sakura manipulated me into giffing her first

the way my heart screams CUTE whenever i see nako

the thing on yuris ear idk what it is but it cool

that entire choreo is a left butt workout LOL

the way yena runs up to the centre in spaceship chorus

eunbi slapped me again

miyawaki sakura readjusting her positioning at the end to make a perfect diagonal without sacrificing the dance is classic miyawaki pro behaviour

how is minju’s smile so perfect... esp in her first part...

the way yuri smiles in spaceship but also the way yuri smiles in ayayaya 

izone makes their own genre its not cute its not girlcrush its everything mixed together and anything you could possibly want it to be i dont make the rules it just happened this way

#quillium #that was a lot longer than i thought it would be #but ive been like this for the past 12 hours LOL #m #thanks for stopping by #replies

[janiedean]

After joining tumblr, my dream of becoming a published writer is forever broken and ruined. It may be drastic but I cannot imagine a future in which I'm a happy writer, knowing that what a large amount of people think is that you can't write about a gay character if you're not gay yourself, you cannot have a poc character if you're not poc yourself etc. It's frustrating and sad. That's what tumblr taught, along with simultaneously complaining all the day about the lack of rep

anon, let me tell you something first and foremost: tumblr is not a good audience when it comes to original fiction and if that’s what you want to do, delete tumblr from your perspectives.

now, I’ll go and say a lot of unpopular things before addressing your concerns, but here we go:

people on tumblr don’t read. or better: either they read fanfic which then they decide to consider the same thing as published writing, and like... while there’s a lot of fic that’s better than some published writing technically, the fact that they say it about classics or stuff they’re supposed to study in school shows that they have no idea of the basic difference in between the two media... or they read YA that gets hailed as the Next Best Thing In Literature when at most it’s a good YA and at worst it’s mediocre stuff that looks revolutionary because they haven’t read the fifteen other things that YA has taken inspiration from. at most they read harry potter when they were kids and never moved on from it, as showed by the fact that it’s 2019 and I still have to see people arguing about sn/ape being BAD OR GOOD when he’s the standard gray archetype, and if you can only think of sn/ape when you think about a gray character and you still haven’t made sense of his moralities or lack thereof, then you haven’t read anything else; (never mind that once I read writing advice like SORT YOUR CHARACTERS INTO HOGWARTS HOUSES LIKE FFS SOME OF US HAVEN’T READ HP THAT’S NOT A UNIVERSAL ADVICE FOR CREATING A CHARACTER’S BACKGROUND)

as people on tumblr don’t read, their understanding of how you write or anything else related to the craft is pretty much useless - like, the only thing each single writing manual agrees on is that if you want to be a writer you have to read a lot, because how are you going to deconstruct tropes (to say one) if you don’t know how those tropes work? or how are you going to play into them if you don’t know how they work regardless? I can’t write a tolkien deconstruction if I haven’t read all of tolkien’s writings back to back ten times at least, I can’t write a good novel about vietnam veterans in the early eighties if I don’t read all the history books on the topic I can find and at least ten tomes about how war-related ptsd in veterans works and possibly a lot of books written by vets themselves. I can’t write a stephen king deconstruction if I haven’t read stephen king back to back ten times either. which shows they think original novels are like fanfic - like, I personally have researched the shit out of things for fanfic, but I wouldn’t ask anyone to do it for a thing they do for free. like, if I see badly researched italian reinassance AU fic I won’t gaf if the author just wrote it based on the anglosaxon tv shows about the borgias around because I can’t expect them to read ten books about the topic to write a thing they don’t get paid for and that just people in fandom most likely will touch, but if it’s a published author that gets paid for it I’ll expect that at least they’ll do some research if they want to write stuff somewhat realistically. people on tumblr think that writing a novel requires the same effort as fanfic, as in, not much when it comes to background work, which is ridiculous, because that’s the difference - with fanfic, unless I write a detailed AU or smth, the author already did that work for me. I just have to expand on it and trying to understand the characters. like, it’s nowhere near the same thing;

which means that people have gone with this concept that ‘you can’t write X if you’re not X’, which is honestly ridiculous and counter-productive because it shoots down any chance that you, as an author, might actually understand what people who aren’t from your background feel like. also, I personally think that if you want to do that and you want to be good at it you need to a) find a way to relate to your characters that goes beyond your differences, b) talk to people from the category you don’t belong to. now, if I had to write a 50k short romance novel about two guys falling for each other at a record shop without too much drama happening, I’d probably just write it myself, some people who are actually guys into guys, ask them to read it, tell me if I fucked it up, get them to explain me how I fucked it up and run it by them until I’m done, but admittedly I don’t need research to find out how people run a record shop. if I had to write a story set in europe but idk there’s a zombie plague and one of the protagonists is a black american tourist I’d go ask someone who is black and american and possibly from the area I decided that person is from to give me background info on how I could write this person etc. and then run it by them after I’m done. if another of the protagonists is idk polish (because there’s not many polish people in mainstream european fiction outside of polish authors), I’d find a polish person to do the same thing and run it by them etc., because I’m not a black american nor a polish person but I still want to write those characters etc. but I mean, let’s say it’s the zombie apocalypse - can I make sure people connect with both of them because they’re surrounded by zombies and as all human beings in existence they don’t want to die? most likely I can. meanwhile I’ll have learned a lot of things about both categories because I talked to people belonging to them;

or, let’s say I want to write some story with a large cast where I decide that for the purposes of it straight character falls for a trans character and it ends well because fuck that I want people to be happy. I’m not trans, but I do know people who are. I’ll definitely talk to them running stuff and ask if thing X is offensive or not etc. because of course I’m not so I can’t know for sure, maybe I’ll stick with the straight POV or maybe not but I’ll definitely run it by them to make sure the thing is actually well-planned/not in poor taste, and meanwhile I’ll have learned a lot about the topic that I might not have known before, which is good because it means I know more about experiences I don’t have which is, guess what, how the entire point of writing stories is. you want people to empathize and feel for characters that might be not the same as them, that’s exactly your damned job, but if you don’t do it yourself first how do you assume others will?

all these people who think you can’t write a gay character if you’re not gay are the same people who think that if you’re a straight woman you can’t write about two men being in love/fucking but you should be able to do it about f/f pairings because since you’re a woman then you have to guess how that works out of that, which shows that they have no idea of how anything works - like I argued with half of tumblr on this topic so whatever, but as a straight woman I think I have more aesthetic tastes in common with a gay man since we both want to fuck men and we both are familiar with handling that equipment, so I’d find it easier to write about that rather than about the contrary as I don’t generally find women attractive in that sense except for like two very specific people who are not a very common aesthetic in general. but like, assuming that in virtue of being a woman then you have to know how it feels to be attracted to women while you can’t possibly do 2+2 about how gay men are into each other when technically you’re into men yourself shows exactly how these people have No Idea Whatsoever of how attraction works, never mind how empathizing with someone else works, never mind of how writing things with research behind it goes;

also, assuming that if you’re X then you can’t understand Y is extremely damaging because it means you can never understand other people’s struggles and that’s......... worrying? I mean, it’s an incredibly dangerous (and calvinist) position to say that if someone is X and so doesn’t know how it feels to have a specific kind of issue then they can’t get it not even intellectually. idk, I’m straight so I can’t possibly understand or relate to why would lgbt+ people want to marry and adopt kids/have their children recognized/have the same rights as I do? are we serious? so if idk I wanted to try and change some bigot’s mind about it when I see that they’re just parroting bullshit and they haven’t thought about it I shouldn’t even try because they’re a bigot and they’ll never understand or change their mind? so people who used to be bigots, then found out their kids or their kids’s friends were lgbt+, listened to them, realized they were bigots and are now allies/supporters couldn’t have done that because at some point they used to be bigots? how the hell do you want people to change or to be an activist or change the world if you don’t believe that people can change themselves or worse that you don’t believe that people coming from any background can’t understand people coming from another background? that’s not how it works. I mean guys ffs I read a bunch of nonfiction lately about endemic poverty in the center of the US out of personal interest and I’m as far from the US and any of those situations as it goes (I’m not a veteran, I never was not taught to read and write even if I finished high school, I never lost 90% of what I had after getting sick, I never needed to hop on a train illegally to go places, I never had to sell my own plasma to buy lunch, I never needed to live in a tent when I was going to middle school after my parents had to move to a totally different state and I never had to go live in a trailer after my house was sold by a bank before I couldn’t pay off my loan, I don’t have a five year old child that won’t be insured because she was born with a pre-existing medical condition), and like... I cried while reading some of them? because I could envision it and I felt like the system failed them and I hate reading about people being failed by a system that should support them, and I swear I’m not a US person who comes from that background whatsoever. I could probably write you a full novel about how immigrants in Italy have it like shit whether they’re legal or not because I worked in the field for two years and one of my oldest friends has immigrant parents and she was born here and she can’t use her ID to travel in europe only because she still doesn’t have a citizenship and she’s been waiting for years to get it. I’m not an immigrant in italy but I’ve known enough, seen enough and heard enough from them that I could most likely do it and it wouldn’t be badly researched. like, you can’t tell people to not tell stories if they want to do it with respect and not wanting to make it about themselves only. that’s bad writing. but if you care about the people you’re giving rep to then you should try imvho;

now: I suppose that you’re belonging to categories that are Not Minorities given how the ask is worded. (same as me more or less unless you consider atheists a minority but nvm that.) there’s a lot of writers around that are Not Minorities and most get published more than people who are actually minorities. people saying that you can’t write X if you’re not X and X = minority are pretty much telling you that you shouldn’t use your spotlight to give people rep when you could and you could do it reasonably well if you do your research and talk to those minorities. so they’re basically going against everyone’s interests because you could learn things and become a better person and make sure your readers empathize with your characters and more rep is always good esp. if well-done. I personally think that people should write about what they want - there’s topics I wouldn’t feel comfortable touching because idk if I could do that well and things I really wouldn’t want to write about so I most likely never will -, but that they should also go for what they want if it’s what they believe they can do. so if you feel like you want to write gay characters or whatever go for it and then find yourself a sensitivity reader or ten before you send your book around instead of worrying about what kids on tumblr who are still arguing about snape’s morality and think that writing the divine comedy is the same as self-insert fanfic think, because they will never create shit for anyone, you might. and you’ll have automatically done more than people who complain about everything but wouldn’t produce one single piece of fiction themselves and wouldn’t most likely waste ten minutes of their life researching the fiction they want to write.

tldr: if you want to write professionally, influence people and give the world good stories, don’t give a fuck about what tumblr says because it’s people who most likely will never read your books anyway unless you want to write the next YA saga that has the same six archetypes of characters in which then the only slightly problematic white cishet dude will be without further ado compared to sn/ape and everyone is going to get sorted into hogwarts houses and people will fight about that rather than giving a damn about whatever message you wanted to pass. don’t give a damn about tumblr and do your thing anon, no one deserves to have any perspective ruined because of this hellsite’s opinions on anything. ;) 

#long post for ts #janie rants #guys don't take this as me bitching about HP but I'm honestly tired that It's The Only Book Ppl Read Around Here #peace #janie writes #fffff i hate tumblr #writing advice #i suppose #Anonymous #ask post

[mewtwo24]

Heey I love your assessment of Nobu for the character ask! You expressed things I felt but couldn't put into words and gave me more to think about~ (I think about this man far too much already..) So if you're still doing it- May I ask for IkeSen Shingen?

Aw, thank you so much!! I’m really glad I could help you look at it in a new way, I’m always happy to share my thoughts! And you and me both sister, he’s solid 2D tiddy I salute you.

No problem at all! I’d be happy to give you my take on Shingen!!! 

Favorite thing about them:

Ah hell, where do I even begin with him, honestly. It’s no secret to most that I absolutely love Shingen, but if I had to pick a singular quality I think it would be his absolute and utter selflessness. Time and again in his routes we always see him fighting for someone else and thinking about what he can do to comfort the people around him. He spends every last breath he has defending his marginalized kinsmen, trying to find ways to amend his offenses, and assisting the other suitors in their love lives (i.e. Kenshin’s rt). This is even clearer in his POVs; in which his mind is almost always on the other people in the room. How can he better serve them? How can he make them feel better as quickly as possible? What can he do to make their lives easier? And while he can be misguided now and then, he truly does seem to have their best interests at heart, paying close attention to what makes them happy. 

Alternatively, he doesn’t seem accustomed to anybody doing things for him, or wishing for his happiness, which makes it all the more endearing and satisfying when MC does both of these things. 

Least favorite thing about them:

How deterministic he can be. His propensity to analyze every facet of the issue at hand can be an incredible asset when it comes to his political and wartime decisions–I have no doubt it’s the key to most of his military successes, despite his constant disadvantages. HOWEVER. I think Shingen fails to realize–or perhaps more accurately--does this with self-deprecating intent in some cases; this can’t be as easily ascribed to individual people. No matter how much he tries to tip the scales to his desired outcome with meticulously regulated information, people will come to their own conclusions. And I think sometimes he can struggle with that; when people react unpredictably, he’s not used to being caught off guard.

Favorite line:

This was the moment that made me fall in love with him, beyond a shadow of a doubt. It’s one of my favorite lines in the entire game, and was most telling about who he really was at his core. The older I get, the more I feel that understanding and dialogue are the most expedient means of inspiring longlasting change–violence and fear seem much more ephemeral and much more damaging, by comparison.

brOTP:

Honestly, the only thing that really strikes me for this would be him and Kenshin. I find their interactions absolutely hilarious and unexpected; it’s very similar to Sasuke and Kenshin’s dynamic. Shingen seems to understand just how the man ticks, but also expresses a great deal of respect and fond acceptance for  for all his eccentricities. And Kenshin shows equal reverence for Shingen’s mental prowess and combat expertise. I mean, for all his grousing, Kenshin houses him and his displaced vassals, hangs a banner featuring Shingen’s battle philosophy in his own castle, and agrees to ally with him against Nobunaga without hesitation. Sure, Kenshin loves any reason to fight–but to go to such lengths to look after him and his people? I think it’s a very wholesome bromance that isn’t obvious in its strength, and that’s almost what makes it better for me. I think it’s among the reasons I love the Kasugayama dumpsterfire fam so much in general; it’s so unlikely that they’d all be together but they are, surviving on the fringes with nobody to call home but each other. Also I’m a sucker for absolute shenanigans and wow do they provide.

n(br?)OTP:

Honestly, I’m not sure, I suppose him and Kennyo at the most? At least, post-Honganji temple massacre. Following those events it’s quite clear that whatever friendship existed between them has long since dissolved. Shingen can’t abide watching his friend destroy himself in his own desperate bid for revenge, and Kennyo is too ashamed to be around him knowing he has no intention of seeing this mission through alive–or with any shred of dignity. I think Shingen truly does want to help Kennyo heal–and it breaks his heart that they can’t just enjoy each other’s company like they used to. But Kennyo can’t meet him halfway. It’s not that I don’t think reconciliation is possible, but it’s pretty clear the two are in pain just being around each other in that state.

Random headcanon:

I was thinking about this the other day and honestly I just can’t get it out of my head. I like to think that, in his Dramatic End, obviously he goes to the future with MC and he continues his recovery in the place MC rented out. But I love the idea of her working and him missing her all the time, so he does what he always does when he’s feeling down; channels that discontent into making her smile. I feel like if he had a cell phone, he would send her cute little animal pics and memes, compliments, and any silly/fun/adorable thing he could think of. I also like to think they went on lots of dates, and if MC was an intellectual (which she absolutely is) she definitely bought a nice suit just to see those shoulders in impeccable, tailored cloth on a swanky restaurant date at least once. 

Unpopular opinion:

I’ll be frank here, and my apologies if this rubs anyone the wrong way. But wow am I pretty done with the tendency with which I’ve seen some people characterize Shingen as some gross fuckboi. 

Can he be cheesy and ridiculous sometimes? Sure, I’ll grant you that. But I really don’t deem it disrespectful, in that he doesn’t lead people on, or force himself on others, or sabotage established relationships for the sake of his desires. And I don’t think it’s particularly wrong or awful to compliment someone on a quality you deem worth admiration; I think that speaks more to his desire to make people happy than anything. 

And some might argue that he can be over-the-top, off-putting, and/or confusing when he talks, to which I offer: that’s…kind of the whole point? His survival in this time period has relied upon his ability to shift people’s attention away from things he doesn’t want them to see and isolate information that is vital to giving him the upper-hand. Of course his sentiments might be true, but his words dissemble. His entire personality is built upon smokescreens, for the sole purpose of keeping the people that love him (and his enemies) from treating him like a dead man walking–something he tries his hardest to keep from thinking about himself. Of course he’s going to lie and divert attention and pretend he’s okay, that’s what he’s been doing for conceivably his entire life. And while there may be many of you that still dislike him for that; that’s fine. I’m not saying that’s a reason you have to like him. What I am saying is that I’m tired of the blatant misinformation and misinformed analyses I keep seeing regarding who he is and his motives–and the extent of the hostility directed towards him, in many cases. 

All skills warrant a potential for egregious misuse, but that doesn’t necessarily mean Shingen does awful things with his capabilities. I don’t really think he’s a bad man, just a guarded one at first. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Songs I associate with them:

Waiting for Superman - Daughtry

Black Is the Color of My True Love’s Hair (Folk Song, but I’m thinking of the cover by Peter Hollens & Avi Kaplan specifically)

Favorite picture of them:

And here we have another very soft, tender CG. It’s almost like I’m predictable. But in all seriousness, I really do love this depiction of the final scene from the Dramatic End. For a man that’s always been devoting his life to others, it was so wonderful to watch MC ask him to live for his own happiness too. And it was even better to see him agree to that request without hesitation despite his shock. I think one of the things I love best about their dynamic is how much they truly cherish each other, and how attentive they are to what the other needs. MC is always paying as much attention to his happiness as he does to hers, and it makes for a very healthy, happy relationship imo. 

#ikemen sengoku #ikesen shingen #ikesen shingen takeda #asks #uni is actually murdering me r i p #im sorry this took so long akshjdgdfslhjk #but wow i love my man #11/10 tiddy #my number one bias fave in ikesen #yet to be deposed #ya girl is w e a k #he's just so soft and sweet and fun #v balanced and v devoted to her happiness #any of yall wanna hit me with shingen hcs or fic ideas you are always welcome in this house #in this house we love and respect shingen takeda

[marlaluster]

The devil suddenly going crazy attacking by pressing really irritating

"I am something where I'm losing because I'm being here as this: you. I don't wish to say more," the devil said.

It keeps pressing really bad agitation and making a sense something is going in my ear and making a sense something is touching the back of my head. It just started to make a dick image with I assume a black dick.

"I'm not okay that you don't act like I'm okay. She said Lionel wasn't okay but wasn't her. That. She's acting like he's not her boyfriend. I don't do okay that she does that," the devil said. "I did do that where you couldn't tag him. I'm not okay that I'm saying this," the devil said.

It's really psycho that he's saying that. He made a intellectually impaired person say something on one of my pictures on Facebook and say "my love." All I said, which is simply the truth, is that "I'm not 'your love.'"

The devil apparently tries to act like I'm in a relationship or could be possible to be in a relationship with these people he keeps make chase me.

"They chase you because I'm doing it. But I was saying you should return the interest. But I'm not allowed to go on anymore," the devil said.

It's incredibly insulting that it suggests I'd be in a relationship with a intellectually impaired person. He suggests it often. The person is named Lionel Williams.

There's another person the devil makes chase me. He and Lionel are both black.

"I was saying her hair was ugly. But I'm not allowed to say that," the devil said.

It was saying that about my hair or rather inaudibly bringing up my hair and making a bad feeling like I was to know I was less or something when I was expressing that I wouldn't be in a relationship with an intellectually impaired person. What were you saying about that?

"You're ugly," the devil said.

Plenty of people are ugly. But I'm ugly because of my hairstyle.

"No. Mentally ill," the devil said.

I don't think I'm mentally ill because of my hairstyle. You are making other people have the hairstyle as well.

"Theirs is different," the devil said.

It was inaudibly suggesting I make my hair look more like another person he made have the hairstyle.

But it's just fighting with me with all of these thoughts and sensations. It seems that it has something to do with that it made someone I'm friends with on Facebook that is supposed to be one of my soulmates not respond or like something I said on his post.

Then just now it was starting to force a black dick image involving Lionel and then it stopped.

"I'm not allowed to make it so that person is not responding to you," the devil said of one of my soulmates who I'm friends with on Facebook.

Then it's making me feel bad as I thought about messaging the person again. Then it put a goon/police officer in my mind to express that I was crazy to him for believing I had soulmates.

"Isn't it you not. I'm not allowed to keep doing it," the devil said.

Then it just put a vision of what was supposed to be me with a black dick going into the figure's vagina.

"It was the vagina. It's because I'm not doing okay," the devil said.

I wish it would be more apparent on the surface that the devil's not doing okay.

But here's the text of a comment I put on a post on Facebook by one of my soulmates...

"Those socially acceptable hypocrites. The Taliban are so scorned by Americans and others, but oppression with mask wearing and vaccines is supported. I agree oppression is really never okay.

And I don't believe in that kind of evil, that of the Taliban. It's made up by the computer simulation to wrongly suggest what is evil, something that is blatantly wrong. Openly evil is not evil. Evil is hidden, is a tormenting lie standing as truth: bad passing as good and fair and righteous like with poverty, homelessness, and eviction.

Really I don't think it's a simulation here, but simulation theory is a convenient concept that is more commonly believed than what I believe, at least on the surface, anyway. I believe this reality is the rule of the devil.

Thought-provoking image you made, Friend."

--- end text of comment ---

But the devil is going crazy. It keeps pressing thoughts. It was just pressing I'm supposed to think I'm retarded.

[96thdayofrage]

Close your eyes, and it could be the president of the United States talking.

Sipping tea with Mark Okoth Obama Ndesandjo in a Ming-dynasty temple is a surreal experience. Fleetingly, it conjures up images of what it'd be like to meet his half-brother - Barack Obama - for this African-American émigré to China bears a striking resemblance to his Nobel Peace Prize-winning sibling. And despite having grown up on opposite sides of the world - Barack with his mother in Hawaii and Mark with their Kenyan father in Nairobi - the half-brothers share mannerisms, including a politician's gift for putting people at ease.

We had arranged to meet in Shenzhen's Baoan district. Ndesandjo's assistant, George, escorted me through a leafy park on a golf buggy to a secluded building. The imposing, tall wooden doors opened from the inside and we were guided through a series of private, tranquil courtyards until we reached the Yuan Baoyuan teahouse, where Ndesandjo emerged from the main hall.

In the flesh, he is a force. Dressed head to toe in black, with an Indonesian bandana around his forehead, Ndesandjo is tall and personable, and speaks with a warm American accent. He's much more likeable than his self-deprecating new autobiography, Cultures: My Odyssey of Self-discovery, suggests.

THE LIVES OF MARK and Barack couldn't have unfolded more differently. While Barack's childhood was a happy Honolulu existence, Mark spent his formative years in a newly independent Kenya, living under the reign of terror of an alcoholic and abusive father, until his white, American mother finally found the courage to flee.

Despite his Kenyan upbringing, Ndesandjo never felt accepted by black Africa; but as the son of a Luo tribesman, he also felt incongruous in the expatriate community to which his mother belonged.

With his first autobiography, which was released last month, Mark has emerged from relative anonymity to tell his story and set the record straight about the president's "mysterious Kenyan roots".

"I wanted to tell my story myself without other people telling it for me," he says.

Ndesandjo, 48, lives in Futian, Shenzhen, with his wife, Liu Xuehua, a Henan province native and his partner of a decade. The pair met in a tea shop when Ndesandjo was an impoverished English teacher. He had emigrated to China in 2003 from Orlando, Florida. Having lost a well-paid job in the telecommunications industry in the post-9/11 economic slump, he wrote to the director of a mainland teaching project he'd read about in a magazine, asking for a job.

"He said, 'You're obviously too qualified.' But I really wanted to explore China."

Ndesandjo expected to stay for three months. Twelve years later, he is fluent in Putonghua, proficient in calligraphy and has no plans to leave the country. Long-standing rumours tell of him running a barbecue restaurant in Shenzhen, but he laughs them off.

"I'm a vegetarian," he says.

What he does run is a foundation that helps children in need, while also teaching piano to orphans, raising awareness of domestic violence and heading up two consulting companies that assist American investors entering the Chinese and Kenyan markets, and those looking to go in the other direction, one registered on the mainland, the other in Hong Kong.

THE FIRST TIME NDESANDJO met Obama was in 1988. It was a sunny weekend in Nairobi, and Ndesandjo was on his bed reading Fawn M. Brodie's The Devil Drives, about the explorer Richard Burton.

"My mother came to the doorway and was trembling. She said, 'Your brother from America is here. In the living room. He wants to meet you.'"

In Obama's 1995 autobiography, Dreams from My Father, he claims Ndesandjo's mother, Ruth Baker, sent a car to pick him up and that the family had arranged lunch.

"It was never like that," Ndesandjo says, shaking his head. "He and my half-sister, Auma, walked in that afternoon out of the blue. It was a year after my younger brother, Bobby [David Opiyo], had died in a motorcycle accident. I thought, 'What are they doing here?'"

Obama, Ndesandjo remembers, sat on the couch in very simple clothes, appearing as a regular Kenyan, with gangly legs and arms, and huge hands.

"My stepfather [Simon Ndesandjo] was very impressed by him," he says.

The family leafed through photo albums but the meeting was stilted, and the two half-brothers agreed to meet again a few days later.

"He looked so similar to me, we both loved America and were going to Ivy League schools," he says.

Having left Kenya aged 17, armed with a scholarship, Ndesandjo had just completed a degree in maths and physics at Brown University, in Rhode Island. He was on a break in Nairobi before returning to the US, to enrol at Stanford University.

"Until then, I'd assumed I was the cleverest in the family," he says.

But the long-lost siblings failed to connect.

"Barack felt I was too Western, and I thought he was trying too hard to be African," Ndesandjo remembers. "He wanted to know a lot about my father [who had passed away in 1982], and he was very direct with his questions. I felt like he was opening up old wounds. A lot like a lawyer, he was trying to research our emotional history.

"He kept asking, 'Well, what do you think of him?' I had shut all these things out, but he was relentless. It was a shock to him when I said, 'Our father was a drunk and he beat women.' Barack flinched. He wasn't aware of that.

"I think that has coloured our relationship to this day. In fact, I know it has."

Barack Obama Snr had skin as dark as ebony, teeth that shone like pearls and, in his younger years - like his Hawaiian son - had the hallmarks of brilliance. Born in 1936 in the sun-basked Nyanza province of western Kenya, Obama Snr attended the prestigious Maseno School, where his teachers described him as an "exceptionally bright student".

However, Obama Snr didn't graduate from high school, the record shows, because of a "behaviour infraction". Consequently, in 1959, his request for a grant to study abroad was rejected. Had it not been for Elizabeth Mooney Kirk - a forty-something American who Obama Snr allegedly seduced - agreeing to bankroll him, neither Barack Obama nor Ndesandjo would be here today.

It was the Swinging Sixties in Boston when Obama Snr met Baker at a party. She was a Jewish girl from Massachusetts, born to first-generation Russian and Lithuanian immigrants, he was a Harvard graduate who was "a touchy, sarcastic but incredibly charming intellectual", according to Ndesandjo.

In August 1964, after two months of dating, Obama Snr proposed. Smitten and seeking adventure, Baker relocated to Nairobi, where her new partner should have been on a fast-track government career - prospects that were squandered in bars.

"At this point," Ndesandjo says, "my mother didn't know about Barack and his mother, Ann Dunham," who had married the African student in 1961 and divorced him three years later. Obama Snr saved that surprise for when he and Baker were in Kenya, where a picture of Barack II eventually sat on the mantelpiece of the couple's first home.

Life in the Obama household was hell. Baker says in her memoir that, from the start, Obama Snr "was drinking heavily, staying out to all hours and hitting me". Within a year, she had fled back to the US.

One night, after Obama Snr had persuaded her to return, he came home drunk and held a knife to his wife's throat. Shortly after, Baker had her seven-year marriage annulled. Ndesandjo was seven years old. Even today, thousands of miles away in Shenzhen, when Ndesandjo remembers his father's violence, tears slide down his cheeks.

Ndesandjo can't remember being told about his father's death.

"Perhaps I blocked it out," he says. "When Barack came to Kenya, I felt he admired our father because Obama Snr had been proud to be a black African; a person who wouldn't let anyone get in the way of Kenyan independence and the flow of free ideas. But I wanted to be as far away from him as possible."

After that first meeting between the half-brothers, Ndesandjo returned to the US, where he studied for a master's degree in physics at Stanford University, before preparing to take a PhD. Then, in a moment of weakness, he cheated. In his autobiography he describes the giddy moment he slipped into his professor's office to read the exam paper: "I had the keys to the kingdom."

He was caught and then suspended by the department chair, Steven Chu, who, in a twist of fate, would later work for the Barack Obama administration as secretary of energy. Ndesandjo describes feeling suicidal as he left Stanford mired in disgrace.

Two decades in the corporate world followed. During this period, Ndesandjo dropped the Obama name and never returned to Africa; didn't speak to his half-siblings - Malik and Auma - by his father's first wife, Kezia; and didn't return to see his mother. He did, however, dip in and out of contact with Barack.

Once, the pair went for lunch in San Francisco at Tommy's Joynt, a haunt for hippies and left-wing progressives. Obama again had questions about Kenya.

"I felt he was clarifying facts from years before."

A few months later, aged 33, Obama published Dreams from My Father - an autobiography he'd never prepared his family for. Ndesandjo uses Cultures to right the many wrongs he sees in his half-brother's opus.

"I think he took artistic licence with the book. He created composites of characters, and he didn't like my mother. There was also a playing up of our wealth in Kenya. We could never have afforded to send a car for him."

In 2004, the year after Ndesandjo had moved to Shenzhen, a friend drove him to the American Chamber of Commerce in Guangzhou, to watch the new Illinois state senator, Barack Obama, give the keynote address at the Democratic National Convention in Boston, which would make the politician an overnight star. As Ndesandjo and a gaggle of other Americans watched the senator speak live, before a rapturous audience waving Obama placards, Barack told the world, "We are our brother's keeper."

"At that point, no one knew of my relation to him, except the friend who had driven me over," Ndesandjo recalls. "But word gets around, and someone asked, 'Are you his brother?' I said, 'Yes'. Suddenly, I felt very proud of him."

A few days later, a friend called up. "It's great that he got that speech," the friend said. "But he'll never have a chance at being president."

Ndesandjo doesn't remember where he was when Obama made history by announcing his candidacy for president, in 2007. But he quickly renewed contact, sending his half-brother e-mails with quotes from Sun Tzu's The Art of War as the campaign thundered forward.

"Feint to the east and attack the west," he e-mailed when his challenger for the Democratic Party presidential nomination, Hillary Clinton, focused on capturing big states, "Revive in a new guise," when Obama decided to directly attack Clinton in Ohio and Texas.

Barack's campaign started to heal the Obama clan, which Ndesandjo likens to "herding cats, all moving in their own direction". Ndesandjo flew to the US to meet a half-brother, Joseph, from his mother's second marriage, to support Barack at his 2008 Democratic Party presidential debate against Clinton in Austin, Texas.

When Barack was elected, the entire Obama family was flown out to the White House for the inauguration; not an eyelid was batted when Malik came attired in a Muslim fez. As they toured the Oval Office, Barack promised he would one day meet Ndesandjo's wife in China.

"But he declined an invitation to our Shenzhen home for dinner," Ndesandjo remembers, "Barack said, 'They won't let me.'"

They, of course, would have been the White House security department. How much influence did Washington have on his own movements at that point?

"I've never gotten the impression they've tried to control what I do," says Ndesandjo. But his paranoia had compelled him to flag certain "failures" that he felt the Republicans might have been able to use as weapons in the fight for the presidency. First, his suspension from Stanford, and second, a trail of bad debt he had left in the US. Obama replied with a brief e-mail: "Mark, do not worry - your life is your own and will not affect my election."

In 2008, Ndesandjo and Liu married in a low-key ceremony. Their union is one of harmonious compromise; they speak Putonghua during the week, English on the weekends and eat separate meals - Ndesandjo is not partial to "squidgy" Chinese cuisine. He says their "otherness" is what fascinates both parties, and cites her as his rock.

It was Liu who, in 2009, encouraged Ndesandjo to pursue a lifelong ambition he knew would have long-standing familial repercussions. That year, he published Nairobi to Shenzhen, a fictionalised account of his past, but one accurate enough for the world's press to realise Ndesandjo had outed Obama Snr - the man Barack had lauded as an example of the American dream in that famous 2004 keynote speech - as a wife beater and a drunk.

The opening scene of Cultures is of Ndesandjo's long-promised meeting with Obama in Beijing, shortly after the novel was published. The half-brothers talk for five minutes and Ndesandjo describes the president as smelling vaguely of cigarette smoke and being emotionally closed. Later that day, Obama told a CNN journalist: "I don't know [Ndesandjo] very well. I met him for the first time only two years ago."

Those words stung.

"I sometimes feel we - the Obama family - have been used. Since being elected, Barack has been trying to distance himself from his relations in Kenya, and he's overly sensitive to the African dimension of his past. That's not right."

The two haven't seen each other since, but remain in e-mail contact.

"A few months ago, I said, 'Barack, you have to try and reach out more. One word to the family in Kenya - a happy birthday to Granny Sarah, who is 93 - would mean the world.' He got quite upset about that."

Still, Ndesandjo recognises the tremendous opportunities his half-brother's fame has afforded him, and is convinced Obama has been a "great president who is fundamentally trying to make good in the world".

The Obama family, Ndesandjo says, spanning Islam, Judaism, Kenya, the US, China, Indonesia - on Barack's side - and Mexico - through Joseph's wife, Dora - is a tale of what it is to be a modern, multicultural American. As his maternal Grandma Ida says in Cultures: "One day, Mark, we will all be brown."

Ndesandjo says he has made peace with Obama Snr, Barack's achievements finally having made him proud of the family name. In 2011, after 20 years away, he returned to Kogela, the family village in Kenya.

"It's funny," he says. "In Dreams, Barack says sons often spend their lives trying to achieve their father's dreams or correct their errors. That polarity defines my relationship with Barack. I've been trying to correct the issues I experienced with my father my whole life. Barack, on the other hand, has been achieving my father's goals and dreams."

This article appeared in the South China Morning Post print edition as: The other Obama