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traumaalchemy · 8 months

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A letter to my ex (unedited)

14/11/2008

" We'll always be freaks and we'll never be like other people, and

you'll never be a freak because your just too perfect "

My room is so charged in the most silent depths of the night

Charged with this pulsating energy

It vibrates and it probes

Sending volts charging through my heart like lightning

The slightest movement, the slighest concave or change in frequency will

catch my eye

I close my eyes and yearn for sleep, but im filled with pictures of you

and images of losing you again.

I said I could contend with it, but that doesn't mean it wouldn't slice

my heart apart

Im used to the hurt, I can handle the darkness and the emptiness.

But im not used to the clarity and the reality. The raw and harsh

throbbing of heartache.

But that's me, I can adjust to anything that is thrown in my direction,

You learnt to live in contempt.. You can learn to live with anything

else

You are sheltered and were raised in fear of discipline. I was sheltered

and afraid as well.

I was prodded around, my mind was pryed, I couldn't tell the truth, I

denied the truth existed, "never underestimate the power of denial".. It

really does delude somebody.

The shit really started getting heavy at the beginning of high school.

Do you know that I was so ashamed of who I was that I lied to everyone

and told them I didn't live in rouse hill, all because one guy told me

it was a "shithole"

I was desperate to fit in, desperate beyond belief. But at the same time

I was dispositioned and ostrasized for my differences.

I could never find a group of people who I could be myself around

because people scared me so much

I bit my tounge and followed everybody else

I watched how the world saw me, and I interpreted it accordingly

In year 7 as I was standing outside class waiting to go inside, I said

something to make this girl jessie who has just begun talking to me

laugh. Jessie was popular, outspoken, gorgeous and didn't really care

about anything at all.

She had been bitching about this fat kid in our class called jake, and

he overheard her and he thought it was me

I remember his words clearly as he spun around "danielle, your such a

try hard. Stop trying so hard nobody likes you your a loser"

My comeback was telling him to sign up for weightwatchers.

But as those words left his mouth I bit my lip hard to hold back tears,

inside I felt as though id been poisoned. I felt like I had just been

slapped across the face.

What other people thought of me was the biggest fear I had. I wanted to

bend over backwards and impress. But now I knew what I thought everyone

thought of me I would never speak out again. I couldn't handle the

confrontation.

So I left that popular group and went to sit in the atypical loser

group. I may of been overlooked in the general population but when I was

placed next to the girls from this group I stood out as being pretty.

I found a place by being in that group.

The weirdos, the nerds, the losers, the outcasts, the overweight and

ugly acne ridden freaks. Every stereotype assosciated with that was

within that group.

We live in a shallow and sick world. To society, appearance is

everything. If your pretty and seemingly well spoken people listen to

you when you demand a fragment of attention.

Especially people who reside lower than you on the social scale at

school.

So there I found the place I resided until I broke apart in year 10 and

conformed.

But in this group I was seen as the superior because I was prettier and

more popular, but after a couple of days my eccentricities compelled the

interests of these people. I believed I was a raccoon. I had nicknames

for everyone according to what animals and objects they resembled

physically. I made up songs about teachers I didn't like and they loved

that, because I was physically normal, they went along and fell in love

with this little bit of weirdness.

And in turn I fell in love with the attention they praised me with.

But my friends didn't know me, the real me anyway. But I knew them.. I

turned a blind eye to this knowledge, acted dumb and pretended to be

just like them, ignored the problems that went on behind closed doors

and chased normality.

Only my bedroom walls saw the essence of who I was. I had an imaginary

friend , one of those little happy meal toys. The count from sesame

street. Everywhere he went, i was and I would quite literally hold

conversations with this toy. Yes, even at 13 years old.

The only freedom I had was riding my bike around the neighbourhood so

the count and I would have adventures together almost everyday.

Because I was too scared to have one on one adventures with another

person. In a group situation, I could control. But the moment it was

just me and one of my friends I let them control and dictate. I was

scared shitless of them not liking my suggestion. So I held back and

went along with whatever they wanted to do.

Thinking back, I hated one on one. I would always find myself doing

something I really had no desire to be doing.

In year 8 I went to sleepover at this girl nicoles house, I was taking

an anti depressant at the time and my mum told her mum to make sure I

took my medicine.

When they asked what it was for I told them I had really bad hayfever.

I dreaded taking those anti depressants. I dreaded the doctor visits.

When I went I would clam up and refuse to talk. My mum did all the

talking, I sat there and denied everything.

I could not bear the confrontation, I liked the denial so much. I liked

to pretend I was this normal 13 year old girl.

But at home I couldn't escape it.

One of the first disorders I suffered from was obsessive compulsive

disorder, one of the behaviours I engaged within was excessive cleaning

and organising. If something wasn't in place I would throw it in the

bin.

Living with 5 other people, nothing was ever always in place. So

mysteriously my dad lost paperwork he left lying around, my brothers

footballs and shit dissapearred. My mums things, maddis things. Anything

out of place irritated me into a frenzy, a frenzy so strong It would bug

me all day. The idea of coming home to unorganization was unbearable. I

spent my afternoons and weekends cleaning, sorting, arranging everything

into proper order. Throwing away things I didn't like. It drove everyone

crazy for months.

But to me, that was normal.

I was on zoloft throughout year 7, the first medication. Towards the end

I started to begin puberty.

I was so scared.

I started to develop, so I duck tapped my boobs down so it looked like

they didn't exist.

I went from being 29kg, to 45kg. In a matter of months, so I started

starving myself and exercising excessively.

I told myself it was for summer.

But for years I obsessed with my weight, and the scales. Food and

dieting.

I wanted to weigh 38 kgs, that was my goal. I remember staring at skinny

girls and idolizing them. I did exercise every morning and night.

I punished myself when I overate.

Again, I hid my food in napkins and threw it down the toilet after

dinner.

Id go well for a few days, and then id binge. I would then punish myself

with excessive exercise.

It was a vicious cycle

I secretley stopped taking the zoloft not knowing the dangers or

implications.. Towards the end of year 8.

I just wanted to be normal. None of my friends had to take medication,

so why should I?

But then I developed an obsession with picking pimples and scabs and

pretty much any lump on my skin needed to be prodded and tweezed and

squeezed.

At one stage my arms looked like they had leprosy.

Back to the doctor.

Another new medication, apparently the zoloft was making me aggressive.

I really started to go crazy.

The beginning of year 9, my hair was long thick and curly. My parents

didn't want me to straighten it as they were once conservative.

I saved up enough money to buy a hair straightner and I summoned up the

courage to ask my dad if I could buy one.

He told me to ask my mum and she said no.

This was the easter long weekend, I sat in my room crying for 4 days

straight. Over a fucking hair straightner. I think this was the first

time I cut myself, I have no idea what provoked me. Or where the idea

came from.

But it gave me a feeling like no other I'd felt before.

I hated my hair.

I just wanted straight long and perfect hair.

Or so I thought at the time.

I don't know the name of the medication I was on at this time, all I

remember were little pink pills each morning and night. But I started

writing morbid emo poetry and listening to the used dashboard

confessional and story of the year and taking back sunday on my

discman.

I started wearing black clothes.

Studded belts.

I was always blogging on my msn space.

Always. Every day without fail.

My parents and I did not get along at all. I was convinced they were

against me and they had installed secret cameras in my bedroom to spy on

me. I spent my weekends sitting in my room. I thought I was a lesbian

because I kissed my friend lucy at a group sleepover and I found myself

enjoying it.

I thought I had feelings for her. But I pretended to be cold and bitchy

to her. I would pick fights with her for no reason. I obsessed over her,

she had problems too. She would always be crying and moody. Nobody knew

why, but I knew that behind closed doors she was like me. Depressed.

I guess that explains the attraction. But at every group sleepover, I'd

find myself kissing her.

And loving it.

She was the first person I really had a slight attraction towards,

before her I kissed one boy and nearly vomited. I hated it.

For her ill never know what those kisses meant, we were 14 years old,

both closed off and problematic. But we never discussed this. In fact, I

was scared to be alone with her.

I was intimidated by her, but in awe at the same time.

And then daniel cox came in and my whole world was shaken around and

tipped upside down and left to suffocate.

I could never be sad around my friends.

I don't know why.

I didn't know how to express how I felt to people.

I was just blank and emotionless.

I was the entertaining and funny one.

But everyone saw me as cold and heartless..

I wasn't, and that hurt.

Every little comment hurt,

"Dani your such a bitch"

Ouch.. I really didn't mean to be

I just wanted everyone to be happy

But I have always been misunderstood

And misread

Hell, I couldn't even read myself

My parents gave me hell

Apparently I was selfish lazy inconsiderate and the list goes on.

I was never naughty at school, I would follow the rules without a second

thought

Crying tears of fear at even the slightest bit of trouble

If I did something wrong and got grounded it was horrible. I had no

computer or phone for a week. That meant no socializing. And that was

what I survived on. the knowledge I learnt from the internet. Without

that support, although I would just browse internet forums and read

about other peoples lives, without this knowledge I was an anchor headed

straight to the bottom of the ocean.

I was far to scared to ask my parents if I was allowed to go places,

because they always said no. I dreamt of the day I would be liberated.

Apparently they didn't trust me.

They would only let me go somewhere when they had interrogated the

parent of the child who I was going somewhere with.

Or unless they actually knew the parent.

I guess this ashamed me so I rarely summoned up enough courage to ask

them if I could go out. It wasn't worth the "no".

I hated that word.

Hm back to reality. Its almost 3 am and my head aches with ache? I don't

want to stop flooding this email with all these thoughts that run

through my mind, but I just need to get them out. I've never really

voiced this to anyone, I was always in denial about these things as they

happened. Blocking them out.

I know you might think you were just a stupid kid, but if I was just a

stupid kid why did I harbour up so much repressed pain deep inside. Why

did I dream of another life.

in primary school id spend my spare time drawing maps of houses and

towns, classrooms and schools. Families and imaginary characters. I'd

pretend to be them, and live out their story in my head. Wishing I was

them at that moment in my life, anything was better than reality.

I hate insomnia. I don't know why its bugging me, but it has been. I

just have so many thoughts. I know I should get some sleep now, or at

least try. Now I've gotten all this down maybe I won't try and process

it all.

I am really sorry about last night, I was overwhelmed with this strong

desire to dish out the pain. I was pushing you away just to see if you'd

still come back. Its something ill always have, I guess I just wanted to

prove you wrong as well. To me it seemed like you wanted to be

opressively enchanting, makeothers depressed. So I thought fuck you, you

can't get me to be like all those other little try hard girls. Ill show

you your not as invincible as you seem.

it does hurt me brendan.

The denial.

The mask upon your heart and then running as fast as you can from

anything remotely intimidating.

But as this email reveals, I was once exactly the same. I understand..

But complete empathy is also complete agony when we both suffer.

So I guess we have to accept the best of the bright and the darkness

which looms below it, and embrace it as it approaches us.

it hurts that you can't be with me in public

Or you don't want anyone to know about us

Its like im having a relationship with a married man with a controlling

wife

There are so many people who would gladly parade me around as their

trophy girlfriends, I know that. But everybody around you wants me shot

dead so you have to pretend I don't exist.

Am I really that evil?

I guess I slipped to far into a state of not caring after spending so

long caring and breaking my backbone bending over trying to fit in

somewhere and always failing.

The people around you had never seen you be so enfixed by one person

before. So that means im evil right?

I never really noticed how tainted my reputation was until I stopped

caring. I always pretended I didn't care, but deep down I did. But now I

notice it, I just accept it.

A lot of people want me dead, they hate me for no clear reason. But it

was not my problem, its i theirs.

I may be cocky for saying this, but im sure jealousy and confusion plays

a large role in this.

I finally found myself, and my place. I am now the person I've wanted to

be percieved as for a long time. Intimidating, yet completely

compelling. People are terrified of me! I look completely normal, but I

manage to frighten the world away.

Socially, I have a hold on everything around me. Complete control my

interpersonal relationships.

Control..

Having control is a wonderful power, I do what I want now. I say what I

want and I think what I want.

Nobody questions me, or challenges me. Its rare. Even teachers let me

be.

I am talked about, but not one word of dislike is spoken to my face..

Not at all.. It once humiliated me, but now I yearn for the

confrontation. I have the power of victory then, I know how humans tick

now, I know their weakness.

Their weakness is not belonging, being different and obscure.

Being excluded and shunned from societal norms. Being branched away from

the majority.

This is the biggest fear, but I live of the opposite because I've

managed to create my own minority in a way. The difference is I am being

completely open and honest with myself, I am not kidding myself.

I've embraced myself for who I am, a problematic, strange, psychotic,

sensitive, over emotionally unstable and exceptionally powerful person.

I could of never uncovered this without your prying and your wisdom.

Without you hand divulging deep within my soul and saving it from

jumping off the edge because it was simply different to the majority.

This difference is not a weakness. ,

I am so fucking tired right now and im assuming im talking so much shit

because whatever comes to my head is being written down.

I have so much left to say to you

I hope someday when you reach the ultimatum of your self discovery, you

send me long and intimate emails like this.

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traumaalchemy · 8 months

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an update and primer:

so the last winter was weird. I had a complete breakdown, went into psychiatric hospital for 40 days in total. two seperate times.

learnt a heap of new things, met a tonne of cool people and had amazing conversations and few fights but overcome my own demons by that.

brain speaking-I have a scarred brain stem and neurological disorder is not a mental diagnosis, but a neurological disorder, proven by MRI scan, ADHD.

also damage to my basal ganglia, and prefrontal cortex.

neurological diagnosis means ADHD is not a "mental" health issue, as some believe, rather a neurodevelopment disorder caused by structural differences in the ADHD brain.

other neurodevelopment disorders include: Tourettes, Autism, Cerebal Palsy, Dyslexia and other Motor and Intellectual Disabilities. (Which recieve, in my view, a lot of insight, media information and stigma reduction by the advocacy networks surrounding these types of disability).

Over the last few years Autism has been over everything, I've seen mainstream media cover Tourettes and yet ADHD is still HUGELY misunderstood, misconceived and misrepresented in media, be in from the angle of documentaries, personal insight of a "typical" case, films, tv, and other media.

one of the first things my dr told me was "in females it rarely presents as hyperactive red-cordial OD child"

which is what my mother BELIEVES, that is because I have an adopted cousin with the ADHD dx who was that growing up, but the representation I'm told is also divergent for women with a higher IQ score than the average IQ. I come in around 142 and tested 123 at age 3 when I was unable to focus, pay attention and had severe trauma. I tested 142 in grade 8.

I'll share my experience as a female who is intellectually gifted, with higher IQ than average, and an adhd brain:

I've been told gifted and talented "genius" children are harder to diagnose because the symptoms present differently, we hide it better (camouflage) and our focusing can be "faked" by mediocre efforts of academic success.. this is true, I would do the assignment the Sunday night hours deadline, last minute, or have my parents half do it for me, plagiarise it (fuck I've killed my whole academic career now) copied but changed my words

from old 1970s encyclopaedias I KNEW they couldn't cross reference (I went through 15 years of school never studying doing homework or assignments and still had top grades).

I literally did not listen, and spent my classes planning the end of the world survival strategies with my GT friend who, basically helped me with my calculus and hard fucking maths, which was the ONLY 50 minutes of the day I put attention into my work.

now I'm going to be heading back to full-time study in the coming months, I get anxious as the pressure of a Bachelor level degree, and the pressure it takes me to perform, is enough to break me down. I've been advised it might be wise to start light (like a basic vet style diploma) and then build up, which is logical, but I keep thinking I'm meant to be doing my thesis by now. which is the kind of pressure one gets as a kid who is told repeatedly, "your intelligence is exceedingly the average and you can do ANYTHING you want"

I wanted to be an astronaut, a storm chaser, and an architect, a town planner and then a journalist. I always held to being a "FBI agent" or spy (I wonder why). so when I found psychology is really a blend of all these things, I kinda found a niche in a psych and social science double degree. but I'm thinking my academic career is LIFELONG, and due to the fact I also want to work in my field alongside my many written thesis coming, I'll be in academics for a long time. I may fail a few things, which I have to come to terms with. I do not fail easily, or readily, but I'm a perfectionist type-a academic who will put my whole life on the line to achieve "merit". I get exams, I get assessments, I read journals super-easy, I talk the talk and walk the walk so well psychologists who are at masters level compliment me on my "knowledge".

when it comes to mental health and trauma, I will always have the personal attachment, called lived experience, which will make failure and burnout, 100 percent realistic. I have to boundary up, bootstraps on, and prepare that yes, my personal "bias" will probably be entwined in this.

which is why I'm looking at the social science for the statistics and thesis writing side of things, and the counselling for the trained therapist side. either way, the degree of counselling requires so much self-insight, and then the social-science will back me away from personifying it. the other choice is criminology, which leads to forensic psychology, which is eternally fascinating. my main concern is the pro-pedophile content Ill be up against, which will look at the anatomy of a shoplifter akin to the devil, and leave the pedophile in the DSM-5 dx "paraphilia" box.

I'm not joining or jumping to anything.

either way I've got 2 year of credit, a heap of pathways and a lot of "academic momentum" from all my life being aimed to be "academic powerhouse". I went through my files and found a lot of awards I'd won in my high school, and top place in the competitions we would be entering in. I remember feeling so sad if I had a "credit" vs a distinction or high distinction, only to see now, a credit in university maths in year 9 is a skillset I don't have anymore so, good on me. or a credit in English, or Science at that age was pretty impressive, considering these tests were random and not studied for.

just a general skills assessment only the top 30 kids in the year were to take on a year by year basis and put out to vet from the top universities and taken by other kids in the same grade around the state.

it puts so much focus on my intelligence, because it's primed to be that way, I know that is true. I know I feel good being academically successful and it gives me a feeling of "achievement" but is it really for me?

I also found 2 letters from my local politicians offering me job placement, work experience and I was 1/4 kids in my 10th grade graduation tom get the letter, and due to my behaviour I pissed ALL the idiots who bullied me off. I was "too pretty to be a nerd" "too smart to be pOpUlAr".

so I made a group of misfits, who are all highly intelligent, creative and my group had the ONLY gay male in the school AND THIS IS BEFORE YOU FUCKING RETARDS MADE IT "COOL". he was bullied badly, so fuck you, you fucks claim "liberalism" but I bet you were the type of idiot who bullied guys like him in high school while you pretended to like my chemical romance and fake cut yourselves. I hate you all, forever.

my grade was full of idiots who were fake emo, who left the scene the moment the scene changed to dub-step and club music. I was there, watching you all, like sonny Moore, went from FFTL to that dubstep skrillex shit he started in 2009.

I dated you, hooked up with you and I went to your gigs. I know who was real and who was fake. I met some of you years later and realised the more emotive ones were the less "alternative appearing".

I can say 1/10000 emo guys from the 00s were genuinely Into the music and scene for the right reasons based on my dating history and this can and will be analysed statistically using SPSS one day to prove a lot. I've had too many relationships from each sub-culture and I have had 4-11 males at a time per public "output" of my energy pursue me over life.

I'm not being cocky when I say I have a long line of "suitors" and its banked back about 50 men. it's been a thing I've avoided as it seems to grow based on my body shape, attitude, appearance, so I am currently out of touch with dating scenes, no interest to try that ANYWAY, given the fact that I have had so many LONG TERM relationships ANYWAY. I can't see another one going well, and at this case, I'm living with an ex but we never went on conventional and now our families label this 3 things: "asexual", "polyamorous" and "open relationship". I'm also "bisexual" but this all to humans outside, looks ridiculous on paper. (wild orgies and lots of swinging or some stupid sex magick probably is what J brother literally thinks we do).

bc humans are intrinsically designed to need to label things they don't understand. we share a lease, not a relationship, and fucking polyamorous, I WISH. there are no girl-girl-guy 3 some, or orgies, or sex magic parties.

this has changed the attitude and perception of this "relation' which Is non-romantic, non-sexual. he can date and likely, will, as can I , and I likely won't date.

I would say 14/15 have had ADHD, or other mental illness and or trauma. which means to me, nothing at all.

I think this "open book" non romantic relationship style of "friends and roommates" not sexual.

attachment is misunderstood by others but works well fro my adhd, meaning I'm not expected to marry, or be a wife in any capacity. he is free to do what he wants, as I am, and open communication is a novel frontier I brought into this in the start, and stayed with for the duration. we fight, but I fight with a lot of people in my life over many petty things. also down to my adhd, I believe, I have rejection sensitive dysphoria, which makes me hypersensitive to rejection, perceived or real.

im not sure if this is trauma or adhd or both. but

I have used sexuality as a weapon in many relationships but it cannot or will not be used here, so I have had to resort to uncovering parts of myself which I never knew, which will stay with me even if he decided to marry and wife up in 5 years, which I'm okay and expecting him to do, and I would much rather that then be trapped in a situation where I cannot be that "wife/mother archetype" as I'm too "femme fatal/other-woman/sex-laced seductress and siren" a "FWB, unicorn, drug buddy, hook-up where im a therapist" or "intellectual and cognitive mind-bender work-study obsessed woman".

both at once and many types of human, including one who is a full-time ceremonial magician of 7 years. I will drink, drug, fuck, fight like males and still be more feminine and high maintenance than 89% of women. I grew up a tomboy and don't mind getting into fun, adventure based situations, like hiking, or anything adrenaline, I would only be reluctant to eat weird shit.

I also have many "neurological" issues including ADHD, and trauma which causes a rupture in the average human and I dating.

I'll tell you how many men have said "you are the unicorn" and then realised what that means, I went as far as canvasing the PUA world back in 2014 after reading the game, a book on PUA, which is essentially, pick up artistry, based on NLP and hypnosis. I did this after reading the copy my ex in 2008 handed me before we dated saying "I gave this up for you". it took me years to open the book, buy when I did I truly believed the only way I would fall in love again, was through PUA. that failed in so many ways but gave me a training foundation for men who were candidates for that, I have trained up J, and the way that sounds is BAD. I know, but I got a lot of value myself, I just don't see it how I wanted to see it.

but that was my original intent, and I achieved this he knows that, knew it was happening and evolved for the best self.

I am thinking we can modulate this into a business model for how I was operating in the BDSM world was mainly psychological, not physical.

I get told all of is incredibly intimidating (I am told) to women and men.

I don't really care anymore, because people have always seen this part of me in the wrong way ANYWAY, but I own who I am NOW. which is what I needed ANYWAY. so it cannot be stolen again, and sexual healing has come from abstinence ironically.

I also don't care what or who is trying to tear up my relations, toxic or not toxic, all people around me will be on a healing journey by default, or cut out of my life, for I am radiating that energy so brightly its impossible NOT to feel that pull.

I will drag your shadows into the light, and make your secrets spin from your lips into my consciousness. its not what I do but its what is design.

I make your weaknesses mountains to climb over. you cannot hide from these in my presence, I won't be this controlling or obsessive female who wants 24-7 attention as I have a life full of meaning without love or sex. I don't want to be wined, dined or expensively gifted, unless specially requested.

I don't want love letters or romantic declarations, this isn't some femnazi bullshit, but it triggers me. I appreciate the efforts and won't make you feel bad about your insecurities, for mine are probably 30 x more pronounced.

I appreciate small things, that most males won't or don't know how to do. like remembering things I've said and being thoughtful. or knowing my silence isn't personal, or a game, but a protective wall. I've had songs sung too me, guitars played, songs written, or things made in ways that are heartfelt. but I've always had them used against me too. so it is the context. I value time, energy, conversations of depth and reciprocal exchange. I also value trauma understanding, my alters and fragments being accepted and valued as me as a whole and a person who is not afraid, or scared of stupid stuff like sensitivity, emotions, feelings as raw as my own. men feel intensely too, lol.

but will only give oral sex 100 times before I don't recieve it, I can communicate now so that wouldn't happen.

but I won't be a bitch about this stuff. I am extremely feminine and care in ways other people, do not, I forget nothing people tell me, so it can be a reward or reverse uno card pull in a fight, but I am not evil or deviant in my relations. I react, depending on how you treat me. I don't need your money, or providing source of income to be okay as I am my own queen, however sharing resources is okay to build something. I don't need to be seduced, but will need to be shown a person is trustworthy.

few cross that.

that will always be time-endurance and testing. there are ground rules I don't play with, or play games. or like being forced or forged into something I'm not. I know abusive and I know safe, and I am a psychology expert, trained psychotherapist and study humans for fun, so I'll always be analysing things.

and I know red flags and I know ego, I know how to placate and please and pleasure, but will only do so, for a bigger and better reason than the mere act of seduction. which is without value and transactional to someone like me, I won't lie.

and I know every tactic in the book, for the book was written by someone like me, many lives ago, and my karma is being burnt for that book.

in terms of walls, I have many, may it be called a maze. or labrnyth.

I will teach you things you never thought you'd know, and change your life in ways you won't ever be able to go back to before. I will blow your mind, sexually, emotionally, intellectually, on all levels, and I'll make your friends and family love me.

I'll bring your walls down and you won't be able to understand this, because you don't understand me, and thats ok.

but I'll always understanding you and make your life better because thats what I do anyway, and people talk to me about things I will never share, as I keep secrets. I am jealous, of everything but, only because I am attached in a disorganised way, and working on that.(I won't even mention how man women or men don't know basic psychology of themselves). I also am a therapist , for my friends and family too.i should not be , but I am. I care, I listen, If you think I'm not listening, I'm still listening. sometimes I interrupt, because I have ADHD and I am horrible at resolute planning, or being "normal". but I don't want to be normal anyway. I need you to recognise and understand my shit, for that is what I do for everyone in my life, and I have helped more than I receive.

I'll probably accidentally give you therapy, but thats fine, because you will uncover your depths and find meaning in this. it's not something that goes bad unless you are fundamentally, evil, even the most abusive relationship I was in, was benefited from this process. yes he's still narcissistic, but he is self-aware. and did I benefit, never, just know the anatomy of self-proclaimed narc and I still can't hate him. will get my civil claim one day.

I will fuck your mind without meaning too. but thats because I fuck my own mind. but the meaning is made in the man- some find this highly offensive or personal (its not). I fuck minds by my own overthinking, or over perception on many levels of reality. so join the ride, or don't come along at all. because once the rollercoaster is in motion, I have no control of what may or may not happen. it's purely experimental.

I am experimental.

and the women who are judging me, are not any better.

look within, and shut the fuck up. self-improve and quit this jealous divide and conquer bitchiness. I HATE gossip, bitches, snitches and fakers.

I look to other women who are intellectually, physically and spiritually "individual". and find value in superior status to my own, which is something my narcissistic ex taught me.

I look for mentors, and teachers and people who will teach me how to improve myself, which I am fearful to reconnect after something is amazing and I can't give anything back of positive value. I am sorry I am working on that.

I won't devalue those below me, but I also need to be mutually benefiting from a relationship.

I dont drag people down, I may disappear if I feel I am doing this by mistake. I am flakey as fuck, and sorry for that. its anxiety and lack of perfectionism, so I am wrong and bad for this. I can change. will change.

if you can find value with my relation, personal professional or romantic, we can move into a symbiotic beneficial agreement based on mutual "terms". but many won't or cannot see this, nor do I impose my bullshit into the lives of randoms at this age.

I don't care if this is cruel, it's real.

I value loyalty, compassion, self-insight/awareness, someone who understands all parts-spirituality, metaphysics while still having intellectual & logical & analytical brain-sight.

I enjoy music, magick and learning new things.

I do not care about appearances I dont think ive dated based on one time. I do value connections and chemistry which is far-few between, I hate fakers. I smell insincerity miles away. but I do respect women who are well-presented, or beautiful, with hair beauty and makeup, I can't do this shit well, so I look up to those who are in professions who do it like art. I find them to be genius level queens who scare me.

I call out bad behaviour and make people uncomfortable if they are repressed. I will change you without even meaning too, I don't even need to date you. its just my presence, over time, amplified by the intensity of the dynamics.

I don't want simplicity, but I also don't need over complexity.

I value passion, independence, creativity, curiosity, problem-solving, deep-disscussions, shared adventures and some occasional risk-taking (lol), sensuality and sexuality for a common cause beyond physical pleasure. I like being taught but not micromanaged. I need my own independence, and need to be trusted with that. I hate being scolded for that like a child, or being pushed to change my ways to conform to societal values. which I will push back and refuse to do. which is not healthy. I don't adult like many others do, but I try to proceed in other ways. and learn to adult like normal people, accept me.

I also value myself, and how I can be celebrated, enhanced and improved vs. the opposite.

I give space, and have boundaries, and understand human psychology, sexuality and relationships in ways few others unless they are trained, can do.

I value MY time. so you can have space to value YOURS. I dont need to be in anyones pocket for a long time. I love being alone, and being around people who are stimulating, but draining people will be drained out of my life quicker than I intend. I am sorry for the people who felt I disappeared, when I was only trying to be 'fair', if I feel I'm a bad influence, I will work on myself until I'm not. I'm still working on it.

I also use this psychology awareness, to enhance communication, connection. you may or may not become an accidental guinea pig. I will be upfront that I am experimental, but that is part of the buy ticket and take the ride. lets work together. not apart.

I am coming from a place of love, and love is what I feel for my animals, which you will be adopting as children.which I want to stop experiments being done on. I love love, in all ways, but hate cruelty of animals and children, violence and suffering. I dont advocate justice, because I find life is fucking cruel, unfair and unjust. by default, so I focus on myself. what can be changed, and what I am able to do in my own locus on control. I will always find myself drawn to the outsiders, the misfits, the vagabonds, the misunderstood. I want to help people who are society, or socially, disadvantaged by trauma and mental illness, but only when I have ability to help myself.

it's a journey.

I will not date anyone who is cruel to animals, outside of specify magical sacrifice, there is not any place for that. nor will I date or fraternise with anything or anyone linked or associated with pedophilia. I won't judge anyone on anything that are outside animal cruelty and pedophilia. I don't and haven't. I keep on good terms with every ex, bar 1 whom I only apologised too this year. it felt good to do that. I change my behaviour.

I am open, but also highly attuned to both logical, factual, empirical , scientific worlds, and spiritual, intuitive, psychic and the "collective unconscious". I walk in both these realms, and I am "conventionally attractive". which puts a lot of pressure on me, to be "stupid". I am always dumbing myself down to fit into normality, but I look ridiculous if I do that so I peacock my intellect.

only to be misconceived.

I give up because I no longer care how anyone but MYSELF can see ME. I won't dumb myself down , but I can enhance you UP. prepare yourself for graded education, evolution and self-growth on mass scales.sorry not sorry.

that sucks for the people who want to be living vicariously through me, for making up to lost trauma years, for family who sold me out for the success I'd bring home, or fake trauma enmeshed friends, or whatever they want or need from me. I value my time and energy, and have given that in abundance, and if you want to be with nut only "one part of me that is alters". I can't provide that now. not sorry.

I have to work on something or not be in a dynamic at all.

I no longer can switch on demand to adapt for you, it will not be effective and that upsets a lot of people. especially now I'm sober. harder to handle this, as I see the world for its ways and why it is, more vividly. I haven't had alcohol for almost 2 months, although, I could drink, I haven't.

I can't do it, anymore. it, being, faking, my selves fronting to impress. I can't. I have no more left to give, and I'm expected by everyone to be a way I can't do it in the way they want.

I will go to another year long outpatient DBT, followed by 10 weeks of A-C-T therapy, and however many ECT OR TMS may or may not help. I'm told it won't (ect) work. but TMS, is something I am open too. but I am telling you, none of this psychotherapy, that will be based on dbt skills, day therapy, intensive skills training, recommencing my studying, and resuming "life worth living" will or can wipe the traumas I've "recovered" memories for.

I will also shut the fuck up, and tell nobody about this if you leave me alone, I told that to my family, and this is open letter to the watchers, stalkers and perps who read this openly as I track the hits on here and have 200+ visits a day every day for the last month. globally. no idea how or who you are but I think its the same people who called the police for the "ayreon song lyrics" seen to be a suicide not last October.

thanks for that wake up call, I have shut the fuck up, since December, more so now. I will burn the journals, or lock them up.

my recovery is not linear, not yet fully integrated and I trust nobody so I don't think my psychotherapy will be deep, I focus on things like ADHD AND my EDNOS. and dbt skills. I won't be talking about sexual traumas.

enjoy the update, and thanks for the "attention".

I have my goals, my work, my meaning and what my life should and could and will look like, but I will not share that with anyone. that means everyone right now.

I've been tested, traumatised and terrorised to the point of not-tolerant of anyone who may bring that back, and banish the fuck out of my sphere every moment I need.

take me as I am, or watch me as I go, which I will go, where I am not wanted I will remove myself, but I will find where I am celebrated because I create that.

I will rise up against all adversity every time but that is survival and that created a resilient and brave woman, in me. who will not be destroyed or decomposed by humans who are fundamentally fucking evil.

I gift you my truth, in progression, and give up the pain of the past.

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