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ears-awake-eyes-opened · 2 years

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The making of a *midlife bisexual*

(I describe my personal experience of a spontaneous shift in sexual orientation at age 42, as viewed through my novice understanding of the lens of Germanic Healing Knowledge/German New Medicine (GHK/GNM). Since this rudimentary analysis (including any flaws in my emerging understanding) is mine just for me and my friends, I prefer to not cite my sources here and will refer to them by initials only. I share this personal analysis with the utmost respect for mySelf and all queer folks. I recognize my tender experience and the way I witness and understand it is unique and not the same as anyone else’s.)

“Nature doesn’t make mistakes.” (L.S.)

“German New Medicine is not only a new paradigm of medicine, it is also a new consciousness. It is the awareness that our organism possesses an inexhaustible creativity and remarkable self-healing capabilities. It is the recognition that each cell of our body is endowed with a biological wisdom we share with all living beings.” (LGNM)

When SB277 (removal of personal belief exemptions for vaccines for school children) was fast tracked through the California State Legislature during the first half of 2015, my psyche experienced multiple conflict shocks, resulting in a shift in my sexual orientation. “The psyche controls all organs via the brain.” (B.E.) “A conflict occurs in the psyche when the individual is caught on the wrong foot, feels threatened, and feels isolated in regard to the threat. Conflicts are not something that happen, they are our resistance of a negative experience. The conflict is something that the psyche is doing, and will do so in either a feminine way, in a masculine way, or in a constellated way. The masculine and the feminine are how we do that resisting. (By masculine and feminine, I mean the psyche and its orientation on reality.) Sexuality is feminine territory, and masculine ‘owns’ the territory. When we ‘close off’ the right territorial area (because it is busy resisting a negative experience), we respond to unwanted territorial experiences from the left territorial area, which means we respond in a feminine way, which means in a sexual way (because the feminine territory is sexuality). Regardless of whether we are resisting negative territorial events in a feminine or masculine way, it is a biological conflict. It is not who or what we are anymore than our amount of skin pigment or how big our teeth are. These physical feelings and tissue manifestations are the result of what is and was happening in the psyche. (L.S.)

I now identify as bisexual, though the creation mechanism as viewed through the GHK/GNM lens, is the same for other same-sex female attractions. “To make a lesbian, it’s a sexual constellation plus a fear-disgust conflict. Post-mortal constellation with sexual overtones to both the sexual conflict on the left hemisphere and the territorial loss in the right hemisphere. This is now the nympho constellation. Coupled with a fear-disgust conflict (alpha islet cells - hypoglycemia). It can occur early in life or later. The intensity plays a role as well in how likely she will stay with her husband.” (A.L.) “When someone is sexually gay, they have been threatened/dominated by the masculine. The female psyche rejects the masculine, and she becomes a lesbian. Girls and women tend to have a more fluid identity. Masculinity, femininity, identity, and sexuality are all related to territorial conflicts.” (L.S.)

Fear-disgust conflict is the feminine response to adversity (whereas resistance conflict is the masculine response to adversity). In 2015, I experienced fear, disgust, and revulsion to SB277, tyranny, and abusive authority (government) doing disgusting things. The conflict impacts alpha islet cells, causes sugar storage and weight gain. The biological function is energy storage for the coming escape/retreat, and as needed loss of consciousness, playing dead, withdrawing from reality. I did ultimately escape/dissociate into fanfiction and fantastical relationships. Transformed: “Where the love is, you will find the solution there.” (B.E.)

As an aside, it is interesting to note that I experienced a resistance conflict as well. In the absence of men stepping forward in that role, mothers were the ones to step forward to defend our children and by extension ourselves. Through SB277, I was coerced/compelled against my will. I refused. I believed I needed to fight against the onslaught of tyranny. I wanted to be seen, and instead I felt tortured. I believed I was not strong enough to endure. I was faced with a superhuman task of standing on the shore and holding back a tidal wave. I felt that task must be accomplished at all costs yet felt no hope or possibly of being able to accomplish it. It is relevant to note that after the initial resistance conflict, the affected person will often run on that track for the rest of their life. (B.E.) That is one of the tracks I’m resolving now for myself and my lineage.

The male (right hemisphere) loss-of-territory I experienced was a felt-loss of the entire territory (external territory) of “my Shire”/my California/my homeland along with my sense of secure and supportive community. I felt abandoned, betrayed, and shamed by my former political party (the Democratic Party), my state representatives, society at large, and some of my former friends. The biological function of the conflict activity is to increase the luminal diameter of the arteries to better supply the heart with blood to increase the heart’s performance in order to be able to win back the lost territory or territorial content (a second chance through “BioTuning”). (B.E.) I understand now through the mind-body/energetic lens that the heart is a powerful transmuter and can literally alchemize emotions like shame, fear, and anger.

The female (left hemisphere) loss-of-territory conflict is an internal loss of her territory, namely her partner. I can look back and see that, though my beloved husband did not object to my activism and attended one rally, he did not engage otherwise in the activism efforts and did not engage with me in conversation about the onslaught I was facing each day in defense of our child’s bodily autonomy, sovereignty, and human rights. Fathers largely did not show up to defend and resist. We mothers mostly stood on our own. I can see how deeply this influenced my feelings of abandonment and aloneness. The biological function of that conflict activity is increased sensibility, a relaxed cervix, and favorable sex drive, creating favorable conditions for conception which is a biological solution for the conflict. (B.E.)

The sexual conflict that I experienced was feeling widely disregarded, dishonored, shamed, and offended as a woman and mother. I witnessed thousands of my fellow activist women and mothers similarly disregarded, dishonored, shamed, and offended. Adding to that conflict was feeling unable to provide a good nest for my child. I felt a loss of my own body sovereignty, perceiving vaccination without consent as medical rape.

Through the course of 3 months of political activism, I experienced loss of desire to live in this world. A post mortem constellation (afterlife constellation) consists of a female loss-of-territory conflict plus a male loss-of-territory conflict. The biological function of the constellation: the individual feels that in this world, everything is lost, and their place is in the afterlife. Transformed: “I will use my short life on Earth to leave behind traces of love.” (B.E.) “The purpose of the constellation is to allow the individual to retreat into the ‘realm of death’ until life provides better circumstances. Coming out of the constellation is like a rebirth.” (LGNM)

Shortly after coming to awareness that I no longer wanted to live in this world, I experienced a prolonged period of hypersexuality. A nympho/Casanova constellation (increased sex drive) consists of a female loss-of-territory conflict plus a male loss of territory conflict which is also a sexual or partner related conflict. The biological function of the constellation: strong sexual desire leads to quick mating choice which leads to a solution to the loss-of-territory conflicts. Transformed: “I realize sexual union is merely the physical aspect of an even greater union. Becoming one, in this greater sense, is permanent and provides true happiness.” (B.E.) “A strong nympho constellation can lead to excessive sexual behaviors such as obsessive sexual fantasies, an addiction to pornography, compulsive masturbation, and an uncontrollable sexual desire.” (LGNM)

During the months while the post-mortem constellation and nympho constellation were active, I was filled with an intense feeling of “divine love.” That’s when I was floored by the awareness that I have the capacity to experience romantic and sexual attraction to women.

I still have that awareness even though it seems the constellations are no longer active, though I’m not certain if the loss-of-territory conflicts still may be active or recurring, because the protracted loss of homeland feeling has persisted until quite recently. Lately I’ve been feeling a degree of reconnection with California and some soft-joy to be here in the present moment, though I can see the possibility that I will find a sense of home elsewhere in the future.

Additionally, throughout the past two years in particular I’ve been feeling with increasing clarity that my husband is standing with me in a shared reality where coerced medicine has no place. We are Neo and Trinity in this reality. We have each other’s backs mutually in support of our sovereignty. Though I’m considering the possibility that our backs are also held by the benevolent universe of our co-creation.

That said, I don’t believe my husband would have the capacity to fully embrace my bisexuality. This is just my conjecture. I speculate that because of his early life conditioning, my husband might feel betrayed or otherwise threatened by my attraction to women. Years ago when I brought my attraction up in a general sense, he said the subject didn’t interest him. And I have not yet pursued further conversation about the subject with him specifically. It has felt like, why would I want to talk about the *spark* that I feel about women kissing women, for example, with someone who isn’t interested in hearing about that spark that I feel? I’d rather talk about that with someone who is interested in hearing about that and is comfortable with that conversation. I recognize that *spark* I feel is Eros, it’s my vital life force energy. I recognize it is worthy of being seen. I recognize I AM worthy of being fully seen, known, heard in emotional attunement.

I feel my husband has my back and loves me deeply, but part of me does still fear losing his respect and love. Part of me does not believe his love for me is unconditional. A big part of me believes he does not want to see/know/hear me fully, because the fullness of me would somehow feel threatening or wounding or shameful to him. These beliefs I am holding reflect where I am probably still in conflict, concerned that I will lose, or don’t even have now, the “territory” that is my husband’s love. I know I have personal work I still need to do in order for this to resolve. I know this is actually about my own path of self-acceptance and self-embrace, not really about my husband.

Recently, the felt-sensations of the old archetypal wounds of abandonment, betrayal, and shame have been starting to dissolve. I witness the one who feels the memory of how those wounds have been touched throughout the past 7 years, even though I know those wounds are old and were created long before SB277.

I can see the possibility that I’ve been co-creating ALL of the experiences which have brought the old wounding to my awareness to be integrated for myself and my lineage backwards and forwards in time, because integration happens in the realm of freedom which knows no time.

There are other lenses through which I can and do choose to view my complex and spontaneous midlife transition sexual awakening, which was an aspect of a much broader awakening to who I really AM. The GHK/GNM lens feels personally relevant and helps make sense of an experience that for a long time felt to me to be nonsensical and not rooted in reality, despite being felt in an embodied way every day for the past 7 years. I embrace being a queer woman in a loving monogamous marriage to my husband who is *the Sam to my Frodo.* I am grateful for this outcome I co-created thus far, and for having the capacity to sense the energetic resonance within my relationships and the capacity to love human beings beyond their physical form.

A final note: just because we may experience conflict shocks doesn’t mean that there’s actually anything wrong. I’m beginning to see more clearly the possibility that everything is happening FOR me. I don’t know that yet, but I’m staying curious.

#sb277 #2015 #the underworld #dark night of the soul #German new medicine #Germanic healing knowledge #health freedom #bisexual #lgbt #california politics #spiritual awakening #my husband

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