I HAVE FUCKING NO ONE. I STAY IN MY FUCKING ROOM AND JUST PRETEND. PRETEND THAT MY LIFE IS DIFFERENT, THAT IM DIFFERENT, THAT THINGS ARE DIFFERENT. I DONT WANT TO PRETEND ANYMORE. I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY. I WANT TO HAVE FRIENDS. I WANT TO HAVE PLANS. I WANT TO HAVE MEMORIES. I WANT TO HAVE FUN AND LAUGH AND HUG. I NEED A HUG. I NEED HUMAN CONTACT. I NEED SOMEONE TO CARE. I NEED SOMEONE.
colin joking about so-and-so being "his" is lowkey so real because at a certain point in the closet, idk if anyone else was like this, but hinting at it and no one picking up on it gets somewhat addictive. like, "how far can i push this?" at the same time as hoping no one picks up on anything. like ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
whole life convincing yourself that you’re emotionless, cold and unbothered only to realise many years later that you created that version of yourself because in reality you couldn’t bare the thought of being vulnerable in any way
and when you finally realise that it’s not something to be proud of you also realise that it’s too late to re-learn everything
you feel great shame because you finally see that you weren’t actually strong - all of it was a weakness. the thing you hated the most. you couldn’t embrace it
and worst of all - you realise that you’ve become exactly like the person who hurt you in the beginning