randomthoughtsofnoelle

[randomthoughtsofnoelle]

06.02.23

I think I’m coming to terms with an emotion that is rare for me. From my teenage years until now I cannot recall myself being angry often. I’m sure I was as a child but those memories are not present in my mind. Even as a teenager I do not recall anger. Maybe feelings of frustration and general discomfort but not anger. However, I now believe that over the years I have felt anger but have identified it as something different. But I now know that I am angry. I’m angry that nothing changes when I’m home. Every time I come back it’s always the same. The same mess, the same excuses and the same feelings discomfort and disappointment. I’m angry at my parents for allowing my siblings and I to grow up in these conditions and have it continue into my adult life. I’m angry that I have spoken up many times and have seen nothing done. No change. I’m angry at my parents for not being positive role models when it comes to this situation. I’m angry that when I ask for help I am met with excuses and hesitation. Sometimes straight denial. I’m angry because I was raised on disappointment and broken promises. I’m angry that my parents do not care. Or what seems like they do not care, because if they do, why is nothing being done. I know it’s hard to find the motivation to simply just breathe some days but I also believe that if you truly care about something you will find the time and effort to do what needs to be done. Along with this anger is a great deal of sadness because I don’t know when or if I’ll be able to share these thoughts with them. I want to, but I also know it will hurt them and that’s the last thing I want to do. Because I know they work hard to try and provide for us. I know they have tried their best but truly sometimes your best is not good enough. It is up to me to fix this of course and I know that. But I also think they should be aware of how certain events in my life have made me feel. They say they want better for me, yet leave me stranded to achieve it. I have only felt stuck a handful of times in my short life but I have always felt stuck here. And this year I have no escape. No means of leaving this situation. Sometimes temporarily is not enough. Along with anger and sadness is fear. Fear that if I do leave things will get worse. Then truly nothing will be done. What happens then? There are too many what if’s that come up and it scares me. I want to leave knowing that everything is in order and will stay. But that is always uncertain. I truly think the worse part about this is being able to recognize where these feelings are coming from but not being able to outwardly express them because of the fear and sadness. So yeah I’m angry and I acknowledge it but where do I go from here?

#my writing #dealing with anger #childhood trauma #mental health #self healing #randomthoughtsofnoelle

[randomthoughtsofnoelle]

12.08.22

I haven’t actually written on here or just in general in awhile. Compared to my last post my life has changed quite a bit. Nothing too major but definitely some changes. I recently took a trip that required me to step completely out of my comfort zone and tackle new obstacles. So essentially this is going to be the thank you note/slight rant to the people I went to go see our this trip. In knowing they will probably never see it unless I actually send it to them, even then the chances are iffy.

[randomthoughtsofnoelle]

03.29.21

Love won’t fix you. It won’t fix your self worth, it won’t fix your mental health. Then what does it do? What is it for. This past month I’ve had this feeling that I can’t explain. It’s like I’ve completely disassociated from the entire world. I’m left with this eerie feeling of loneliness and left wondering about the last time I was happy. For the first time in my life I feel stuck, and it scares me. I think I know what I have to do, but I don’t know how to do it? I just want to know what it’s like to go a month without question your happiness. Im stuck in this state of do I want to be seen or do I want to be invisible. I want someone to save me, but only I can do that. I know someone coming into my life and showing me love won’t fix my problems. They may help but I won’t be cured. This idea of being fixed or save I don’t know what it means. I guess it’s a troupe that I’ve always longed for since I began my battle with mental illness. But love doesn’t fix you it doesn’t magically make all your problems disappear. So why do I want to be saved? Because I don’t want to do the work? I’ve done the work, so maybe I’m just tired. But becoming who you want to be is constant work and you can’t stop. I think even when you think you’ve stopped doing the work you’re still doing something even if you’re not aware. I associate the idea of being saved with feeling alive. This person comes into your life and you have these experiences with them that make you feel like you’re living. They make you want to keep living. They make you happy and they support you. Because they love you, you’re okay again. Love doesn’t fix you. I think it’s designed to encourage and uplift you. If you feel uncertain about something you go to someone you love and they remind you that you are strong and can do anything. Just because you have people supporting you doesn’t mean your happy with yourself or life. Should it? I think it’s easy to say yes. But no answer about life or happiness is that easy. Love doesn’t fix you, it’s doesn’t save you. But it makes life both complicated and easier. It can bring you the highest highs and the lowest lows. It can cripple you but it can also make you fly. I use to think of life as a tree but recently it feels like the worlds biggest ball of tangled necklaces. As soon as you free one you’re still left with this big tangled mess and left wondering if you’ll ever be able to undo it. Love can’t fix you and I know this yet I still want something I want to happen.

#life is weird #self recovery #self reflection #confused #my thoughts #it’s probably just my period but it’s fine #randomthoughtsofnoelle

[randomthoughtsofnoelle]

08.15.20

Self worth is an interesting topic. I think it’s a key piece to happiness, self love, and success. Knowing your self worth is one of the greatest feelings of peace I have experienced although my self worth seems to wander off when I need it most. When it leaves I’m left with this heavy feel and constant ache throughout my body. I look in the mirror and instantly want to look away. I see myself and hate every inch of who I am, who I’ve become. But only on the outside. That doesn’t mean the inside goes untouched because it does. I’m sad and confused. Wondering why I’ve fought so hard and continue to just for it leave. Why is some days I feel on top of the world, like nothing could hurt me and then some days one wrong look or tone of voice will send me into never ending tears. Somedays I’m numb and feel nothing at all. I try to pretend to be happy but it’s not something I’m good at anymore. I don’t know how to hide when I’m upset. I think if it were to go on longer then I’d be pro at again in no time. People tie their self worth to things that don’t matter, or at least things that shouldn’t matter. Recently I’ve tied my self worth to a number. A stupid number that probably means nothing to some people but everything to me. I was doing good, I was on track to getting where I wanted to be but I guess I feel off and didn’t even notice. Now I’m at a place where I’m not sure if I can get back to where I was. I want to stay positive and think I can but I’m not sure. I want to talk to people about this but I’m too embarrassed because it’s disgusting. Also they don’t understand. To some extent probably. They don’t know what it’s like though. And honestly they probably won’t give me the response I’m looking for. Everything that should matter doesn’t because of this number. This number is what causes me to think I’m worthless. It brings nothing but shame and embarrassment. This number is holding me back and makes me hate the feeling of my own skin. This number is the reason I hate myself, the reason why I’ve always hated myself. This number is what makes me think I would be better off if I just disappeared or died. Until I get the number where I want it to be I will continue to hate myself. Extreme? Very, but also very true. It’s amazing what people think of themselves when they attach their self worth to a something that seems so simple to others, yet complex to them.

#not sure what tags to put on this #my writing #my thoughts #work in progress #self growth #self worth #randomthoughtsofnoelle

[randomthoughtsofnoelle]

08.13.20

A rant about my favorite person and my spiraling thoughts.

Anyone else. You could have picked anyone else but you chose the person who broke you. You choose the person you spent months crying over. You choose the person who distances himself when things get too serious. Who has used girls before. Who has committed a multitude of questionable acts. You’re happy so I should be happy right? Yes. But I’m not, I’m the complete opposite of happy. I’m angry, confused, disappointed, hurt, and sad. I love you so much and the thought of you getting hurt in general makes my blood boil. But you getting hurt by him again gosh, I would rather die than see that happen again. It’s not that I hate him, I don’t hate anybody. I hate the power he has over you. I hate how he has treated you. I hate how bad he is for you. I don’t want you to throw away your life because of him. I don’t want you to not make yourself a priority because you’re dealing with him. I understand you love him and that you want to keep him in your life but you can’t force him to. I get wanting to save a friendship, but did you even want one? Could you have one? One were you didn’t have to hide your feelings from him and he wasn’t sending mixed signals every other week? If you couldn’t, I told you to stay away. I told you to tell him the truth, to let him go. I’ve told you time after time he’s not good for you, he’s not the best person. He needs to figure out what he wants first. Did you listen? Did you even take it into consideration?, at all? Because you choosing him feels like the biggest slap in the face in my face right now. I don’t know how to handle it. I know you said I’m allowed you to feel what I’m feeling, but what I feel makes me feel worse. I’m supposed to be there for you, support you, and be happy for you but I can’t. At least not right now. I can’t be happy for you when he’s the main one causing your happiness, but he has also caused a large amount of your stress. I know you could flip it back on me with my boy situation but I think it’s completely different. Some things are slightly the same but not completely. You say probably nothing will happen but what if it does? What if I can’t ever be happy for you? I don’t want a stupid boy to come between us but right now it seems like that’s what’s happening. At least on my end. I wish I knew how to be happy for you regarding this situation but I don’t. I’ve talked to people, read articles, watched videos and nothing seems to help. I’m trying to work this out so I can be the friend you deserve and the supportive friend I know I am and can be. I know at the end of the day it’s your choice even though I don’t agree. Him hurting you was heartbreaking for me too because I saw you with tears running down your eyes, when there should only ever be a smile on your face. I saw you at your lowest because of him and I helped you back up. I would do it again in a heartbeat because that’s how much I care about you. I know heartbreak is inevitable and you’re going to get hurt again but I really wish he wasn’t going to be the cause. I feel like a horrible friend saying this but it’s the truth. I care a lot and you know it. I just wish this feeling would go away. I wish I could be supportive. In the end if you’re happy I will be too. I just wish I didn’t have through this process to get there.

#rant #upset #complicated #confused #just being honest #spilled words #my thoughts #randomthoughtsofnoelle

[randomthoughtsofnoelle]

08.09.20

Going, going, gone.

Today you’re gone and I’m still here.

Soon we’ll both be gone.

I’m left with the longing of wanting to see you again and the question when consumes my thoughts.

I hope the answer is soon, so you can return my heart to me. For it seems as you took it with you when you left.

#writing #spilled journal #i miss you #love #heart break #my thoughts #randomthoughtsofnoelle

[randomthoughtsofnoelle]

08.09.20

Why am I still crying over you?

I thought I was done with this.

I want to do be done with this.

Everyday I tell myself I don’t love you. I can’t love you.

And everyday I lie.

I’m lying to myself.

I wonder if anyone can see through me.

Convincing myself that letting you back in was okay.

That I’m okay just with you just existing in my world rather than you being it.

Trying to ignore the butterflies you give me.

Dismissing my intrusive thoughts of what we could be.

Sometimes I don’t think they’ll ever stop.

#love #broken heart #spilled words #my writing #my thoughts #healing #randomthoughtsofnoelle

[randomthoughtsofnoelle]

08.07.20

I keep telling myself that I love you but I’m not in love with you. Of course I love you but I keep asking myself if I’m still in love with you. I want to say no but I’m proving to myself otherwise. I still get butterflies thinking about you. You still make me the happiness I’ve been. My heart still beats out if it’s chest when I see you. The thought of you puts a smile on my face. I roll my eyes and giggle like a love struck idiot. I love you, with my whole being. But I can’t be in love with you. Not anymore, not after the last time. I can’t make you my entire world. I can’t get fixated on the ideas of what we could be. They will never happen. They never did. You broke me once I can’t allow you to again. I can’t put myself in that position again. I’m moving on, I’m healing. But I want you to stay, so you here you are, back in my life. I’m happy but I can’t let myself love you the way I want. Because the minute I do, I’ll be lost.

#spilled words #my writing #writing #moving on #slowy healing #my thoughts #love #randomthoughtsofnoelle

[randomthoughtsofnoelle]

There are a number of ways to address the current situation going on in America. I’m choosing to address it the best way I know possible, with love and kindness and optimism. As someone who is a part of the black community, I feel it necessary to speak up and use my voice in hopes of reaching just one person. I’ve lived in Indiana for almost 20 years in the same house with my mom, dad, sister, and brother. While living here I’ve had some great experiences and some not so great. The recent events going on in America have been making me think more than usual about being black and the topic of racism. Just today I came to the realization that I have been facing direct and indirect racism my entire life. While no one has directly addressed me as a derogatory term I still experience terms and sayings that are racist. Growing up I’ve been called an Oreo, I’ve been determined as the safe black girl, I’ve been told that I act too white or that I am not black enough. These terms do not directly sound racist though they are. This makes me sad because it’s all I’ve ever heard and still continue to hear. I’m grateful for not directly being called a derogatory term, being followed in the store, being harassed, or murdered because of the color of my skin. Just because this hasn’t happened to me it doesn’t make me any less aware of it happening. I’m well aware that this could happen to me, my friends and family at any time. It saddens me that I, along with countless of others have to prepare for when this day happens. Because we are black. The world we live in right now is frightening and confusing. During this time make sure you check your privilege and use it to help and not hurt. Be open-minded, listen, and support those who are hurting. Take the time to self reflect on who you are, who you use to be, and who you inspire to be. Educate yourself on what is happening and what has happened before. This has been going on for far too long. I would like to say watch what you post but people will do as they please. Although it is very upsetting to see those you thought were friends and allies post content that goes against what is currently being fought for. It breaks my heart to see people of color in general not just blacks who don’t believe in the Black Lives Matter movement. It breaks my heart that some people will truly never understand what is going on until they experience it themselves. Their privilege and color of their skin, allows them to never have to experience these struggles. Change is inevitable and going to happen regardless if we like it or not. With all the protest going on I believe this is a step in the right direction. Through these movements, we stand united and powerful. We are creating change.To those who are actively posting and showing support thank you, your love and kindness do not go unnoticed. Be the change you want to see in the world. Do this however you feel is right for you. I also encourage you to vote although you may not want to, voting establishes the opportunity for more change to occur. Change that is necessary. Become educated and continue to spread love and kindness. I'm proud to say that I am black and that black lives matter -Noelle

[randomthoughtsofnoelle]

05.05.20

Hi so this a life update for anyone who cares. I just wanna say hope whoever is reading this is healthy and safe. I feel like this whole year has challenged my family and I. If not everyone. Since January there has been some event in my life that has made it a little less enjoyable. January I got my heart broken by my long term crush and was uncertain if I could go back to school. Turns out I was able to go back but the whole month of January I felt completely lost. I didn’t know what to do or how to feel. I was constantly sad and unmotivated. I found myself in a dark hole that I hadn’t seen in awhile. February started looking up I was seeing my counselor again I developed a routine started going to the gym and life was good and I was happy for the most part. Towards the end of February there were more financial issues than usual going on in my family. It was scary and I felt bad because I was away at school so there wasn’t much I could do. A few days before the month ended my great aunt died. I didn’t have a very close relationship with her since she lived in Georgia and my family is in Indiana and I go to school in Michigan. I was sad more for my family such as my mom and grandma. So I had to leave school early to attend her funeral. I misssed a week of school and wouldn’t be able to return until after spring break. The day of my aunts funeral I found out my grandma died. My dads mom. I instantly felt bad for my dad because he just lost his brother a year ago. We were all in a state of shock because we just talked to her the night before she died. So we had to go back home and then a week later go to Mississippi for her funeral. This was my entire spring break and I only got to enjoy one day of it honestly. All this happened in March. Obviously the corna virus stuff did not help either. My school started online classes and soon the rest of the year would be online. At this point I felt kind of defeated because I worked so hard to get to place where I felt okay and happy again. I just want to say I hate online school. Being home really stripped my motivation. I had no desire to continue with school at home. It felt like I was in high school again. I missed my friends at school and just my independence school allowed me. April was okay for the most part just pushing myself to finish my school work. Until towards the end of them month we found out my uncle died. He was my aunts husband. He got hit by a woman while he was riding his motorcycle. At this point I just wanted to laugh because it seemed like life was joke at this point. We couldn’t do to the funeral because of everything so my dad just went. Anyway now it’s May and I’m slowly waiting to see what will happen next. Tomorrow I take my last final and I’ll be done with my freshman year of college. It certainly wasn’t what I expected it to be but it wasn’t that bad either. Aside from getting traumatized and crying a lot. I actually really do like college. I’m good at it and it makes me happy no matter how much I say I hate it. I’m kinda scared that I didn’t do as well this semester as I did last but I know I tried my hardest and given the circumstances it’s okay. I’m just really hard on myself and push myself to be my best. Regardless what has happened to me and my family I continue to be thankful for everyday. I always try to find something good in everyday even if it’s the same thing. Everyday I heal from my heart break and grieve my loved ones. Everyday I become a better version of myself even if I don’t see or feel it. If you’re going through a hard time please just remember that it does get better it just takes time. Be patient with yourself and others. Continue to spread love and be your best selves.

#slowy healing #my writing #grieving #heart break #college #progress #randomthoughtsofnoelle

[randomthoughtsofnoelle]

04.09.20

Heartbreak is like depression. Somedays are better than others and some are horrible. There are constant triggers that can set you back. You can go days without feeling sad or empty. Then all of a sudden you wake up and those feelings are back. Or you hear, see, or smell something that reminds you of the person who broke you. Suddenly you’re sad and small again. You try to ignore the feelings but they persist and you have to acknowledge them. You’re sad again. Or maybe you’re numb. You stay up all night because the thought of them fills your mind. Or you sleep all day because you dream of them. You don’t eat because the thought of them makes you sick. Or you eat too much because you feel empty and no amount of food can fill that void. Only they can. You’re angry and hostile because they are happy without you. You can’t do anything because everything reminds you of them. You feel alone because they don’t need you. Maybe they never did. You can go days or months without feeling like this and it only takes one thing to bring you back. You may feel like this for a few days or weeks, maybe months. Soon it becomes manageable and slowly fades. Soon you’ll truly heal although it may take time.

#love letter #heart break #my thoughts #my writing #randomthoughtsofnoelle

[randomthoughtsofnoelle]

02.08.20

Here I go again writing about you. I hope you’re okay and doing well. I wouldn’t know because we haven’t really spoken. I want to ask how you are but I wonder if it’s still my place to? Should I? Will it set me back? I don’t know. I was told to focus on myself, my goals and my world. I’m trying to but guess what you’re still apart of my world. Apart of my life, my everyday routine you’re still there and I don’t want you to go. Here’s the truth or what I think is the truth. You pick and choose who you want in your life, everyone does. You pick and choose what relationships you put the most effort into. It’s all a choice. Personally I try to put my best effort into all of my relationships and I except your best effort back. Some days that effort may vary from both of us and that’s okay it’s called being a human. But it’s not fair that I put everything into something and get nothing in return. It’s draining almost. I say almost because what if it’s okay. What if I know that there is only so much I can do, only so much you can do and the rest is out of our hands. I want the same energy and sometimes that can’t always be achieved and it’s okay. I care about people way more than I should. I still care about you when I shouldn’t at least not as much as I do. I want you in my life and I want to have the strongest connection possible. I want to see you grow and I want us to experience growth together. Although I can’t force you to be in my life or have that strong connection or growth. You say one thing but I’m shown the complete opposite. I know it’s just how you are though and I still love you for it. However it could possibly change but I don’t want you to change into someone you’re not. I wish you could put more effort into our relationship but I can’t force you to because it’s your choice. I’m scared that you’ll be gone from my life forever what if you already are? Or maybe you’ll come back one day. I don’t know. You not being in my life anymore is such a sick feeling, one of the worst. The thought of having a person you’ve had life changing experiences and moments with not being in your life anymore is heart breaking. You have to let them go and one day you’ll be able to look back and it will be okay, you’ll be happy but you’re always left missing that person or that feeling. People say the little things shouldn’t matter but to me that’s what matters most. My head is filled with little moments of you. Little smiles and laughs. Little trips and stumbles. Little everything and the all little things go into creating one epic chapter of my life. Multiple actually. All the little things are apart of my journey. I will always care about you there is no point in denying it. You were one of my reasons to stay and possibly still are. You changed my life truthfully for the better. I wonder what life would be like without you and I really don’t want to find out but I might just have to. I knew I would have to let you go but I didn’t think it would be this soon.

#broken heart #heartbreak #moving on #love letter #letting go #my thoughts #randomthoughtsofnoelle

[randomthoughtsofnoelle]

02.07.20

So yesterday makes it a year since I started this blog. It’s crazy how time works. Last year feels like years ago, at least five. I had always written before but never seriously until this blog. I never documented my depression or anxiety, my thoughts truly. Anyone can seen them now. I would like to think that I’ve helped someone. I really like looking back trying to see patterns and see growth and I have. Around this time last year I was in a bad place. Here I’m in another one, still. Maybe it’s just seasonal I’m not sure. Or maybe it’s just me. Last year I was a senior in high school now I’m a freshman in college, a place I never thought I would end up yet here I am. It’s sereal almost because I’m proud of myself for making it this far but I’m also confused on what to do next. Keep living I guess. Which I’ve been struggling with. Wanting to live. I find myself questioning if I should continue to stay on this earth or if I should just go away forever. I thought I found something I was good at but I started to question that too. Life is this weird thing and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to wrap my head around what it completely is. Can anyone? I’m not sure. I know I have to stay even if I don’t want to. Somedays I feel like a disappointment to myself and others because I let them down and myself. It’s okay I guess it’s apart of human nature. I have to continue fighting although everyday becomes harder. I know I will be something great part of me wishes I could just fast forward to that part. But isn’t something great all about the journey?

#self growth #sad #recovery #my thoughts #randomthoughtsofnoelle

[randomthoughtsofnoelle]

02.04.20

It’s been a month since you’ve broken my heart. I guess I’m okay. It hasn’t been easy though I still cry myself to sleep and question my worth. It doesn’t feel like a month though it feels like years ago but the pain that resurfaces makes it feel like it was hours ago. I know I should move on with my life and I’m slowly doing it but you’re always on my mind. I think of you everyday and I can only wonder if you think of me. It’s been a month since I’ve actually seen you I wonder what has changed. I wonder if you smile brighter because of her. I’m scared that one day you’ll forget about me. And I wonder do I still matter to you? Did I ever mater at all? I would like to think yes. I have to take the good with the bad. So I’m thankful for each moment we’ve had together. Every laugh, cry, smile and hug. They are forever engrained in my memories things that I’ll never forget. One day I’ll be able to look back on those memories and the pain won’t be so strong and eventually it will fade away and I’ll be left with nothing but joy and happiness. You made me so happy I hope you know that. Your place in my heart will never move and I will cherish you always. So here’s to long lasting happiness in both of our lives.

#heart break #still sad though #growth #love #my thoughts #randomthoughtsofnoelle

[randomthoughtsofnoelle]

01.28.20

I just want you to say hi. I want you to ask how I am so I can tell that I’m bad. I’m in such a bad place and I really need you. Even though you don’t give the best advice I’d give anything to hear you say you got this. Just try and stay positive. I want you to know how sad I am. I want you to make me smile. I want you to make me feel okay again even if it’s just for 5 minutes. I need you. I always will. I know I can be happy without you but right now that doesn’t seem possible. My happiest moments have been with you in my life and right now I don’t know where you stand. Where do we stand? You don’t need me now, you have her. I’ll never be her and it’s okay. I hope you’re happy and that she is too. She can give you something I never can. She’s probably happy the majority of the time. While I’m sad. The moments I’ve had with you are some of the best. They make me feel great and make me want to stay. What if we never have another one? Should I still stay if I can’t have that again with you? I’m so thankful that they happened but I’d give anything to have just one more. One last epic moment where we laugh and cry. I get to see the smile that infiltrates my mind. The moment where I tell you how much you mean to me. The moment where we talk about everything and nothing. It just us and we’re happy. I’m happy.

#sad #heartbreak #why dont you love me #broken heart #depression #my thoughts #randomthoughtsofnoelle

[randomthoughtsofnoelle]

01.26.20

I’m sad. I don’t know why but I am. No actually I do know why. Depression it’s as simple as that. I’m depressed. With depression everyday is different some days are better than others some weeks are worse than others. Right now I’m in a bad week just a bad place in general. It’s crazy how one thing can send you down into the spiraling hole of nothing. On this spiral down I was hoping you would catch me. I can’t believe I’m writing about you again but here I am. This wasn’t even meant to be about you yet its going to be. You saved me from my last spiral and I want you to save me now. Only I’m not yours to save. Only I can save myself. But you helped. A lot of people did. So what made you so different? Here I am in the black hole of nothingness and where are you? Where is everyone else? Do they even know I’m here? I don’t know where I’m at but I know it’s not good. The world seems slow and possibly empty. Or maybe I just feel invisible. Maybe that’s how I want to be. Unseen by everyone so no one ask how I am. I won’t have to lie or pretend. I can just be myself. Although the world is slow I can’t keep up. I’m not fast enough, I’m not ready. I’m not ready to leave this familiar place. I’m not ready to confront the pain. To accept it because then it becomes real. Us not being together is real. You not loving me is real. I want to blame you and say this is your fault. But I can’t because it’s not. It’s not anyone’s fault although blaming you would make things a lot easier. So I’m sad and I wish you knew. I don’t know how to get out of this hole without you. So please come back and pick me up just this once. One last time then I’ll really let you go. You’ll be gone forever. You won’t be mine anymore not that you ever were.

#sad #broken heart #my thoughts #depressed #love #randomthoughtsofnoelle

[randomthoughtsofnoelle]

01.20.20

I hate that it’s only the second week of school and I’m already in such a bad place. I’m falling back to old habits ones that I thought would leave me. I guess I was wrong. I feel alone even though I know I’m not. My best friend listens to me cry and rant everyday but I feel like a bother. I’m so sad to the point where I don’t think I want to wake up anymore. It’s not just the heartbreak it’s everything. Everything takes so much effort and I don’t have it right now. I’m avoiding people here more than I did last semester. There are days where I’m numb and feel absolutely nothing and other days where I just cry and can’t stop. I want to tell people but I can’t the thought of driving people is always in my head. I can’t be this sad right now. I’m not sure if anything good would come from it. I would like to think so. I’m exhausted because I’m back to being the girl who pretends like she’s happy. I forgot how much effort it takes. So that’s where all my effort goes, pretending like I’m okay, pretending like I’m happy. Pretending my heart isn’t broken and pretending I don’t cry myself to sleep every night. I know things get better I’ve seen it before. I’ve lived it. Why do things feel different this time around. Why do I feel so sad, so much pain and darkness. I feel so small and people are just stepping on me and I’m trying to say hey look out you’re hurting me but no one can hear me. I go to sleep sad, I wake up sad I’m just so sad and I don’t know what to do about it. Let it happen and it just becomes worse? When I’m around or talking to others it’s okay I’m okay. But with each interaction I can feel every smile fade, every laugh become shorter, I can feel myself drowning. I’m looking around for someone to save me but no one notices because the mask I put on is glued to my real face. It’s a good mask I put time and effort into it so no one could question me and how I am. They believe when I say I’m fine or good it’s easier because my real response would something along the lines of. “How am I? Well let’s see I cry myself to sleep every night. I’m pretending like everything in my life is okay, I’m pretending like I’m okay but I’m not. I’m far from it actually. I’m constantly triggered. I relapsed on my eating disorder, I’m so close to relapsing to self harming, I have a panic attack every time I wake up because I’d rather sleep all day or just stop breathing. That’s how I am” I wish I could say all that but my mask allows me to say. “Oh I’m fine or I’m good.” And no one questions it which I guess is the goal. I’m trying to hold on, trying to be strong but right now my hands are weak my whole body is weak and it’d be so much easier to just let go and slip into the darkness.

#sad #broken #anxitey #slowy healing #im sad #my thoughts #randomthoughtsofnoelle