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seoafin · 4 months

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dog days are over | chapter eight

pairing: gojo satoru x fem!reader x geto suguru warnings/tags (for this chapter): gojo word count: ~9.6k

fic masterlist read on ao3

“No need to look so nervous! Loosen up!”

You try your best to smile, despite the nerves bundled in your stomach. “Thank you for inviting me out, Ikeda-san.”

She beams at you, opening the menu in front of her. You stare at her glossy, perfectly shaped nails and the smooth skin of her hands. You remember the softness of them. Still, there is no ring on her finger.

“Please, call me Meiko. And of course! Don’t tell Gojo and Geto, but I’ve always wanted to talk to you.”

Surprised, you say, “Me?”

“The mysterious fourth classmate of Jujutsu High’s 2008 graduating class. I was always so curious about you.” She smiles, and you are drawn to the cherry red of her lipstick. “Especially since those two are notoriously tightlipped about you.”

You’re sure it’s because there’s nothing to talk about when it comes to you.

“I’m not that interesting,” you say politely, because in your opinion, you really aren’t. “I’m sure you weren’t missing much.”

“Is that really what you think?” She leans forward, placing her chin on top of her threaded fingers. “I think you’re plenty interesting.”

Your face warms. Nobody’s ever called you interesting before. You meet her gaze. “Is there something you need, Ike—Meiko-san?”

She laughs. “Please, you’re so formal! No need for the honorific, you’ll make me self conscious. We’re nearly the same age! If I’m being honest, I just wanted to get to know you.”

“Because we have…” you consider her carefully, “a lot in common?”

Once again, she bursts into laughter. It’s not mocking, but amused. “I thought maybe you’d feel a little more comfortable if we had…common ground.”

The common ground being…

Your face flushes with heat. “Is it…” you stare at the plate laid flat in front of you, stomach churning in distress, “obvious?”

You think back to every single semi public interaction with Suguru and Satoru. Maybe someone had caught a glimpse of Suguru’s knuckles brushing against yours, walking a little too close to you to be considered casual acquaintances. Maybe someone had seen Satoru draw you close to him. It hadn’t been discreet. Satoru’s never been discreet. Not enough. And now you’re paying the consequences.

Your palms go sweaty.

“Oh, it seems I’ve worried you,” Meiko looks concerned. “It was just a guess,” she murmurs gently, reaching out for your hand. Your heart starts with a jerk when her hand closes around you. “An inkling if you will. Woman’s intuition?”

They are soft. They smell like peach flavored hand lotion. Relief sweeps through you like a cool balm. “Oh,” you say breathlessly. “Thank god.” It slips out before you can help it.

“It’s rare to see Geto and Gojo so ruffled,” she chuckles. “Geto especially. I can never tell what he’s thinking with that smile of his…I just wanted to tease them a little, you know? Make them sweat.” She studies you, face sobering. “They hold you in the highest regard.”

The she winks, and calls over a server.

She must be a regular here because she easily strikes up a conversation with your server about the new seasonal specials. You then watch in slight awe as she proceeds to order one of every single thing on the menu.

At your expression, she grins. “Instead of deliberating, isn’t it easier to just order the entire menu? That way we can try a little of everything. Besides, my palate gets a little bored with one plate.”

You blink. It strikes you as something Satoru would do. Order every single sweet on a menu to have his pick. The world of jujutsu elites and their bottomless bank accounts is truly something beyond your understanding.

“When Ieiri-san said you were coming to my reception as her plus one, I was surprised,” Meiko says. “I asked Gojo for your availability, and he said you were busy. Honestly,” she huffs, “selfish men are the worst!”

Satoru said you were busy? You wonder if he thought you’d somehow embarrass him and Suguru. Somehow, you can’t fault him. People just don’t seem to like you, and it’s probably your fault. “You wanted me to come?”

“Of course I did.” She makes a face. “Instead I had to deal with that Kumiko. The nerve of her to seat herself at my table! In your seat!”

She scans you, as if to gauge the measure of your outrage. You simply only look at her, unblinking as your mind runs wild with all the possible ways to navigate the rest of this conversation without stepping on any landmines. You're not good at this.

“I wasn’t aware you two were acquainted.”

Meiko’s smile turns tight. “We were briefly homeschooled together. Flower arranging class.” She spits out.

Her face clouds darkly.

You quickly change the subject. “I wonder when the food—”

Meiko’s eyes narrow. “ Wait. Are you acquainted with her?”

“J-Just briefly…”

“That snake,” her fingers fist tightly. “Of course she’d worm her way into your life!” She slams a fist onto the table. You wince. “It’s Geto isn’t it?” She scoffs. “I heard she got stood up by Gojo, but to think she was that shameless—”

“She likes him,” you say, a little more firmly than you intended. A look of surprise paints her face at your sudden boldness. You settle down, embarrassed. “I think…her feelings are genuine,” and it’s wrong to undermine them. The fondness in her eyes is real. You of all people understand her feelings. You love Suguru too.

“I’m sorry,” you apologize weakly.

Meiko exhales deeply. “No, I am. I always get carried away when it comes to her. We’ve always had bad blood between us. I suppose we’ve just never seen the world the same way. It’s always been her dream to be married to an influential man,” her voice turns bitter. “To be a perfect wife. To bear sons with cursed techniques. You could say we were bred for it. Disgusting pigs like that Zenin Naoya are a dime a dozen in jujutsu society. But unlike me, Kumiko was actually born with a powerful cursed technique.” There’s a bitter note to her voice. “What a waste.”

You don’t know what to say to her. You’ve never been good at knowing what to say at the right time. Not like Suguru.

But Meiko continues, “I suppose that’s why it’s a surprise to everyone she’s still not married. A lot of people think it’s because her clan elders are holding out for Gojo.” She snorts. “I guess everyone is expecting him to get married soon too, and have children. Lots of children.” She pauses, “Though I suppose they don’t mind the unmarried part as much as the not-impregnating-women part.” She raises an eyebrow. “They do make quite the pair, don’t they?”

You get the strongest feeling of deja-vu.

Your face warms, looking at anything but Meiko. “I…”

“They work even better together too,” she remarks with a sigh. “Unfortunately, good looks can’t save them from their lousy personalities.” She shoots you a sympathetic look.

L-Lousy personalities…

Clearing her throat, she says, “The Gojo clan elders and higher ups from Fukuouka are convening in Tokyo to try and convince Gojo to get married. To secure the Gojo line.”

You stare at her.

Meiko’s expression gives away to surprise. “You didn’t know?”

“Nobody mentioned it,” you answer truthfully. It clears up a lot of the happenings at the school. Perhaps they had come to Tokyo because Satoru refused to come to them. You knew Satoru’s less than enthusiastic feelings towards the burdens pushed on him by clan politics, such as marriage. A part of you can’t help but wonder if that had spurred Satoru and Suguru’s actions towards you. That and pity you suppose. In your first year, Satoru often used to remark that you seemed like you’d be the type to die alone. He wasn’t wrong.

“The Zenin and Kamo’s want him to take a bride from their own families, but the Gojo clan’s own preference is someone like Sasaki. Someone from a distinguished lineage and a clan that’s not as powerful as one of the big three. They don’t want a strong clan interfering in interfamily politics. It’s all terribly political.” She makes a face. “They want him to consider mistresses from other families too. He’s not the only one. Geto’s been fielding all kind of offers too. His cursed technique is too valuable, and the Zenin’s have always been greedy.”

Of course the Gojo clan would want someone as delicate and refined as Sasaki. She’s beautiful, talented, and holds a revered cursed technique. It would be easy to fall in love with her, if the way Suguru talks highly of her means anything.

You try to process the rest of the information, but all you can think of is marriage, marriage, marriage. Your head is spinning. Had your parents’ marriage been rife with such difficulties? This can’t be normal. You are confronted by the realization that the day Satoru and Suguru get married might be closer than you think. It throws your thoughts into disarray. All this time you’ve been unaware of the specifics and complexities of jujutsu society as it pertains to someone of Satoru and Suguru’s positions. They’ve never confided in you, and you think it’s for good reason. You’ve been so caught up in your own head that it never occurred to you that they might be troubled too. What a friend you’ve been lately.

Spirits dampening, you lower your gaze. “Is…that right…”

Luckily, you’re saved from a more coherent answer because the food comes. A line of waiters approach your table. Twelve plates, large and small, are set down in quick succession. You stare at the colorful array of dishes. Another waiter makes an appearance with a bottle of expensive looking wine, pouring the two of you a glass.

Meiko loads food onto your plate. “Eat up! You seem like you could use a good meal.”

“Thank you…” Eating saves you the trouble of having to speak when you don’t have the words. It’s easy. The food is delicious.”

“This is the restaurant that catered my food during the reception,” Meiko says, taking a bite of her ricotta peach salad. “I hope you enjoyed the food, then and now.”

“It’s delicious,” you admit with a smile. “Thank you for bringing me.”

A wide smile hangs on her face. “Of course! It was a terrible night, but it might have been a little better if you had been there.”

A warm flush creeps into your face. “I would’ve liked to have met you too,” you say shyly, hesitantly. You like Meiko, you think. It’s easy to like her, with her bold personality. There's a frankness to her that reminds you of Shoko. A familiarity. You wonder what she sees in you. You wonder if your night would’ve been different had you met her instead of Hideo.

You’re thoughtful. “You didn’t seem very happy at your wedding.” The words come out before you can stop it.

Meiko goes quiet. You quickly move to retract your statement, realizing it was insensitive of you to say something. “I’m so—”

Meiko lifts her wine to her lips and slams it down, emptied. “I didn’t want to get married. Not then, not ever. I thought my father had given up on it, after I scared the fifth suitor away.” She takes the bottle and nearly fills her glass to the brim. “Only to find out my father had given away my hand without my knowledge when I came back from visiting my mother in Hokkaido.” She takes a long drink. “To a politician of all people! It was horrible. I threw a fit, hoping to convince my father. You can imagine how well that went.”

You can’t imagine being unknowingly married, bound to spending the rest of your life with a stranger. It feels like the puzzle pieces are slowly coming together. Meiko’s sour expression throughout the entire reception. Shoko’s comment about the unwilling bride. You can’t do anything but commiserate with her in silence.

“My father said he’d be willing to break off talks if…” she trails off, looking vaguely uncomfortable for the first time since the evening started. “At the time, I hadn’t realized those two were into women.”

You nearly choke with laughter.

It’s an understandable mistake. The nature of Satoru and Suguru’s relationship have always raised eyebrows. They’ve never hidden it. It’s a truth, never presumed, never spoken, lest it be true. Or spreads. Satoru and Suguru have always enjoyed making people uncomfortable to an almost sadistic extent. You’ve seen people squirm in their seats beneath Suguru’s pleasant smile, Satoru’s creeping menacing grin.

Meiko looks amused now, eyeing you with an understanding you don’t quite get. “My mistake.”

You sober. “The reception…”

“He spent the entire time with Gojo and Geto, trying to worm his way into their good graces. He has ambitions, you see.” A mirthless smile. “He wants to be prime minister of Japan one day, and everyone knows it’s Gojo’s vote that matters the most when it comes to selecting the political face of Japan, and my father already has very strong ties to the current Kamo head.”

Oh you knew that. Upon watching a political debate with Shoko in the common lounge your first year of jujutsu tech, Satoru had taken up all the space on the couch with wide legs, eaten all your popcorn, and watching the current prime minister’s effective response to the burgeoning inflation, had commented that it was an aggressive policy for the mild and meek man who had cowered in the face of him and the Zenin and Kamo heads.

Shoko and Suguru had simply looked at him until Satoru shrugged and said that between the current prime minister and his former opponent, personally, he had flipped a coin before casting his vote. Suguru gawked at him, and had spent the rest of the week questioning the legitimacy of the political institutions in Japan.

To this day, you’re unsure of whether or not Satoru was joking.

Sometimes, the thought that the fate of your nation rests in Satoru’s hands makes you a little uneasy.

You try not to think about it often.

She snorts. “It wasn’t as bad as our first night.”

You straighten immediately.

“He didn’t touch me,” she clears up quickly. “Or force me, if that’s what you think. He slept on the couch actually.” Her face goes thoughtful. “It’s more than you can say of a lot of men in jujutsu society,” she completes darkly.

Relief shoots through you. “If you ever need help…” This time, it’s your turn to squeeze her hands reassuringly. “I’ll do whatever I can.”

Meiko looks touched. “You’d help me?”

“I’m not all that impressive,” you respond truthfully, a little embarrassed at your bold proclamation with nothing but intent to back it up. You aren’t in a position of any strength to be promising easy help. But you’d do anything you could. “But I’m sure I could ask Satoru and Suguru to help if necessary too.” And if whatever you could meant pleading to Satoru and Suguru on the behalf of someone else, you wouldn’t even have to think about it.

“Satoru and Suguru are good people,” despite the opinions of others. Despite…what Meiko may think. They are, you know it. You’re sure they’d intervene if needed, not because you asked.

She sniffs. You look at her in alarm. Then you realize the bottle of wine is empty.

“I’m sure…” she swallows, eyebrows furrowing as she tries to piece together her sentence. “I’m sure they’d do anything, if you asked them.”

You’re sure she’s just flattering you, so you smile, and motion for the waitress before Meiko can order another bottle. You hope she doesn’t cry. A pretty, crying woman would have you flying into a panic. You prepare yourself to call Shoko for advice just in case, although for crying women matters Suguru would probably be your first choice.

The bill is placed. You figure you should pay since she took the liberty of inviting you out in the first place, but there’s a black card in her hand before you can even blink. The waitress smoothly takes it, just as Meiko’s fist slams down onto the table.

“They don’t deserve you!” She exclaims, drawing stares from other tables. “You’re too good for them!”

The server hurriedly rushes away, presumably to quickly check you two out.

Your server returns with Meiko’s card and helps you collect her. Luckily, she’s not drunk enough to be immobile, but she tilts precariously as you two walk her outside. The weight of her body leaning on yours is almost pleasant. She must be a lightweight. Like Satoru. You don’t mind it. It reminds you of the time you had had to drag Satoru to his room after he mistook Shoko’s flask of alcohol for apple juice. Outside, a sleek black car awaits.

“Meiko,” you say, “would you like to stay at my apartment tonight?”

Her voice is small as she hides her face in the crook of your neck. Your heart nervously starts in your chest. “...Do you mind?”

You manage a smile. “Not at all.”

The driver (the same driver from before you recognize), a kind looking middle aged man, takes Meiko as you thank the waitress. When the two of you are seated, Meiko slurs to him that she’ll be following you home tonight. You tell him your address.

When you arrive, the driver does a double take at your apartment building. Meiko sobers up enough to be able to walk up the three flights of stairs to your apartment by herself so she shoos the driver away as you promise to take care of her.

“Go,” you call as you open the door. “I’m home.”

Go is seated in front of the door, above the platform of the genkan, as if he’s been waiting for you, tail excitedly flicking from side to side on the floor as he regards you.

“Wow,” Meiko says. “That’s a beautiful cat.”

Pride blooms in your chest at her words. Go’s grown big enough to nearly encompass the length of your arms. You wonder if he’ll ever stop growing, but you don’t mind. More of him to hug and pet. You love him regardless.

After taking off her heels, Meiko clambers to her knees and immediately starts petting Go. You can hear Go’s pleased purr as Meiko showers him with bellyrubs.

When she finally pulls away, you lead her through the living room and then into your room, Go following beside your ankles.

“You can take my bed.” Meiko opens her mouth to argue. “I insist.” You’re no stranger to sleeping on the couch anyway. And having Go next to you made things substantially better. You leave to the kitchen to get her a glass of water.

Clutching a tall glass of water, you return to your room to see the top dresser of your drawer opened, and a white envelope in Meiko’s hand.

“O-oh,” you say quickly, placing the glass of water down on your desk. “That’s…”

“Did you write all of these?” Meiko places the envelope back down at the top of the stack in your drawer. You had momentarily moved the letters there until you could finish Satoru’s latest one to ensure all the postage was up to date. His birthday was coming soon after all. But you couldn’t risk the letters being seen by any of the recipients. Your letters weren’t meant for them—not as long as you were alive.

With Satoru's tendency to snoop through your things, their usual home was in a shoebox inside a bigger storage container underneath your bed, covered with spare blankets. You hadn’t been expecting visitors.

Meiko gestures to three stacks of letters, each stack addressed to a different person.

“Three every year,” you reply, with a small smile, closing the drawer. She must have seen Satoru’s name written on the envelope. You’re relieved when she doesn’t say anything else, only gazing at the picture frames on top of your dresser.

“Your apartment,” her voice is quiet, “is very empty.”

“I’m not good at decorating. I’ve never had a lot of things.”

“The unsentimental type, huh.”

Meiko raises her hand, as if to examine the picture of Shoko on your desk, but then drops it. You open the covers for her. It’s easy to see how tired she is, the darkness of the night casting shadows on her face that make her expression muted. You should let her get rest.

Slowly, she gets into your bed.

“I wanted to enroll into jujustu high,” her voice is barely a whisper, covers pulled to her chin. “My father said my cursed technique wouldn’t amount to much as a jujutsu sorcerer. That I’d be killed on my first mission. I wanted—” her voice warbles, and you worry she might cry. “I could’ve been an auxiliary manager.”

Hesitantly, you reach out and pat her hair. You like it when Shoko pats your hair.

She blinks slowly, before her eyes close. A few seconds later, Meiko is peacefully sleeping in your bed. You exhale, relieved that sleep had come to her easily.

Freedom. It’s easy to take it for granted. Despite everything in your life, at least you had that. You could quit being a jujutsu sorcerer, move to the mountains unaccounted for, and live the rest of your life surrounded by rocks. There would be no great impact on jujutsu society. You’d be a fading memory at best.

You’re still thinking about it when, settled on the couch, with Go in your lap as you brush his fur, someone knocks on your door.

At this hour?

You set Go and the brush down, walking over to the genkan. You open the door.

A tall, slightly disheveled man greets you. From what you can make out in the sparse light coming from the small lamp of your living room, he’s nicely dressed, in an expensive looking suit, but his tie is loose around his neck in a way that reminds you of drunk businessmen splayed out in the streets awaiting the trains to open.

“Is Ikeda-san inside?” He asks sharply. You try to make out his face, but the darkness encroaches on his face, creating shadows. Your eyesight is going bad. Too many late nights in the archives.

“She’s sleeping—”

You immediately move to block him from coming in when he takes a step forward. Go hisses from in between your ankles.

“I’m her husband,” he says, in a tone that leaves little room for argument. “I’m here to retrieve my wife.” After a slight pause, as if remembering to be courteous, he dips his head. “Thank you for taking care of her.”

“Of course.” You meet his gaze. “Though I don’t think it’s wise to move her now. Like I said before, she’s sleeping.” You don’t share that she had been drinking.

You think you imagine the flicker of displeasure on his face, but then his face is smoothly dispassionate. “It’s only proper that she should rest at home.”

You don’t move.

“If I’m being honest, I don’t feel comfortable letting her go home with you.” Not in her current condition.

“Forgive me,” he says. “But my relationship with Ikeda-san doesn’t pertain to you. It’s a separate matter altogether. I simply want her to rest at home.” In other words: it’s none of your business.

A politician through and through, you think. Despite the fact that this straitlaced man seems to be the very opposite of smiles and fake goodwill.

It’s not. Your business. But you don’t think you can let her go home, not in good conscience. You wonder if this means making enemies with the future prime minister of Japan. Well, there wasn’t much he could do even if he wanted to retaliate.

“I’m sorry,” you say firmly. “I’ll take care of Ikeda-san until the morning. I may not look like it but I’m also a jujutsu sorcerer. A Grade One. I’m more than capable of watching over her.”

You leave out the part where your own missions have been on the backburner as of late. You’re sure Yaga-sensei is being considerate after what happened in Nagoya. You mentally thank Satoru and Suguru for all their hard work.

Surprise on his face. “You’re a jujutsu sorcerer?”

Y-yes… “I am.”

His fingers curl, unhappy. You can tell he’s hesitant. You understand it, but you already decided you wouldn’t let Meiko go home. It’s not something you’ll budge on. You’ll stand your ground.

“Then I leave her in your care,” he says curtly, straightening. He bows his head and you bow back. Then he’s gone, leaving you wondering if you imagined the entire interaction. You stare at your empty doorway until Go meows.

You close the door and sigh, sitting down on the elevated floor connected to the genkan as you scratch Go’s ear.

“Do you think the future prime minister of Japan hates me?”

He bumps his head into your thigh. You sigh again, picking him up as you stand. Like he said, it’s beyond you to assume their relationship, a nobody like you. Go immediately rolls onto his back in your arms, paws kicking up, nuzzling into you.

At least Go would never hate you.

You tread back to the couch, and put on a documentary about African meerkats. Go doesn’t take his eyes off the screen, entranced by the slim animals and their dietary habits. You eventually doze off.

—

You wake up to the sound of eggs sizzling and the smell of breakfast. You blink, cold winter sunlight streaming in through the window. You sit up.

“Good morning,” Meiko says. “I’m making breakfast.”

You look at her.

She snorts. “What, did you think a rich girl like me couldn’t cook? I lived by myself in college, you know. No servants at all.” Meiko must mistake your blank eyed stare for something more because she hastily says, “O-on the weekdays anyway.”

You didn’t know you had food in your fridge.

“I went to the grocery store around the block,” she says, answering your unspoken question. “What do you live on? All you had was cat food in the fridge!” She opens a cabinet and points. “And this huge jar of sugar!”

“Satoru’s,” you answer. Meiko looks even more confused.

You yawn. Go is already awake on your lap, awaiting his breakfast no doubt. “There were some eggs…” Leftovers from the groceries Shoko had bought you a week prior.

“I can’t believe you…” She shakes her head, muttering something along the lines of ‘hopeless,’ before shooing you into the bathroom to wash.

After a quick stop to the bathroom, you feed Go and take a seat. Meiko puts a plate of eggs, bacon and sausage, and buttered toast in front of you.

“You didn’t have to.” You stare at the food. When was the last time you had breakfast in your apartment out of ingredients that had been bought?

“It’s the least I could do,” she sounds exasperated. “I can’t believe you let me take your bed!”

You feed Go a leftover piece of raw bacon which he gratefully accepts, nudging into your hand. “As long as you were comfortable.”

She huffs, and you thank her for the meal. The two of you eat in brief silence.

“Have you ever wondered what you’d be if you weren't a jujutsu sorcerer?” Meiko asks suddenly, spearing a sausage with her fork. “Like if you had never known curses existed.”

You wonder where this is coming from.

“Not really,” you admit slowly, staring at your plate of food. “It’s not like it would have ever made a difference. It was also highly probable I’d be killed during a mission anyway.” No need to think about the possibilities, no point in contemplating the path of your life unless you were debating the merits of suicide.

“Oh. That’s morbid.” Then she says, “Do you still think that?”

You think about your last missions, and the last time you had a close call with death. It could be tomorrow, it could be next year. You suppose that’s always been the inevitable reality for you. Who would you be if not a jujutsu sorcerer? You had little to no experience of life outside the world of jujustu sorcery. No other friends. No family. “I do. I don’t even know if I’ll survive to the next year,” you say plainly.

“What if you do survive?” She presses. “What if you don’t die? Next year, the year after the next…What would retirement look like for you?”

You consider it. It’s a difficult question. It must show on your face because Meiko laughs as if she’s torn whether to be amused or sympathetic. “Is it really that hard?”

“I would move somewhere peaceful,” you say slowly. “The countryside. Maybe somewhere along the coast, near the beach.” You’d like that. Somewhere aligned with nature. Somewhere where you could watch the sunrise and the sunset. Somewhere, where the stars are visible.

“By yourself?”

“By myself.” You would live in solitude, once again, content knowing Satoru, Suguru, and Shoko were living happily. Nobody would ever hurt you again. Go headbutts your ankle. Your lips curl, leaning down to pet him. “With Go,” you correct. No, you wouldn’t be entirely alone.

“And then?”

“Die.”

Meiko makes a face.

It wouldn’t be bad, you think. It’s all you can ask for out of life, if any higher existence is merciful enough to grant it. A peaceful death.

Meiko gawks at you. When she finally regains her words, she says, “Either you live as a jujutsu sorcerer or you die?”

You nod.

She opens her mouth. Then closes it. She sighs. “You’re so morbid.”

–

There are flowers on your desk. They’re lovely, a bouquet of a colorful array of flowers, some of which you recognize as japanese iris’, peonies, and wisteria.

You examine them, fingering their delicate petals, running your hands through them to try to find a card. You think it had accidentally been delivered to the library by mistake. You don’t know who would send you flowers.

There’s no identifying information on them, so you gingerly pick up the bouquet and walk out the library, all the way to Shoko’s office on the third floor of jujutsu high’s main building.

She raises an eye at the bundle in your arms when you knock and open the door.

“I’m glad I caught you before you went on break,” you say. “I found these flowers in the library, and I thought they’d brighten up your office.” You wrap your hands around the stems of the carefully trimmed flowers, and feel the thrum of your cursed energy imbue the flowers.

You place the bouquet down on the closest cabinet to you. As long as nobody intentionally destroyed them, they’d stay beautiful forever. “I’ll find you a vase.”

She swivels in her chair to face you, scrutinizing the flowers. “Are you sure? Those look like serious money.”

You play with a petal. “I think they were delivered to the library by mistake, but I can’t find a card.”

A knowing smile plays on her lips. “Men give women flowers when they want to apologize. Any groveling men in mind?”

You look at her. “No.”

She huffs a breath of laughter. “I’ll take them,” she says airily. She stands. “Are you going to join me on my break?”

You give her an apologetic look. “Paperwork.”

She narrows her eyes. “Fine, fine, but you owe me some of your time this weekend. It’s been a while since we went shopping.”

Shopping with Shoko always meant a good time. You’re looking forward to the weekend already. You wave her off, and back to the library you go. Just as you step into the gardens leading to the library, you hear a voice call your name.

“How’s your cat?” Hideo asks in greeting, jogging up to your side. “Have you named him?”

“Hello.” You smile. “His name is Go, and he’s very big.”

“Go…” Hideo’s eyebrows momentarily draw together, understanding dawning on his face. “I’m guessing it’s not because five is your lucky number, huh.”

You laugh. “He looks just like Satoru.” You adore him.

The two of you continue to the library.

“Has Go met his namesake yet?”

“Not...” Your smile slips, thinking of your last encounter with Satoru and Suguru. “Yet.”

“Well, all in good time, I suppose,” Hideo says easily, after a beat of contemplative silence.

You think about the flowers in Shoko’s office, and what type of vase they would look best in. Maybe Meiko would know. “There were flowers in the library.”

Hideo grins, amused. “A secret admirer?”

You blink. “I don’t think so.” A secret admirer? You? “I’m sure it was a mistake. I gave them to Shoko to brighten up her office.”

A wince crosses his face. It melts into a chuckle. You look at him curiously.

“You’re just a normal girl, huh?”

He grins, eyes bright, fond with a familiarity you still aren’t used to, but for some reason the comment makes your chest ache.

Normal.

You must be making a face because he straightens, mostly sobering. “Ah…how do I put this,” he scratches the underside of his chin. “When we were younger you always seemed…older. Somehow. It’s easy to lose sight of what’s normal in this world. I guess talking about love and secret admirers just reminded me…”

You tilt your head.

He clears his throat. “I prefer the person you are right now though,” he says easily. “You smile now” —like a normal girl— “and get sent flowers from a secret admirer” —like a normal girl—

You stare at him. Then lower your gaze to your feet. “Is that…bad?” You wonder if he’s making fun of you. You don’t think those flowers were intended for you.

Nobody has ever called you normal. If anything, you were abnormal. If you were a normal girl, maybe you’d be married like that woman you saw months ago. If you were a normal girl, maybe everything would be better.

If you were a normal girl would you be happier? Would things make more sense? You can’t imagine it. First Meiko asks you about a hypothetical future, and now Hideo seems to be under the mistaken impression that you are a normal girl.

It…

You don’t hate it. The thought peeves you more than you thought it would.

Hideo blinks rapidly. “No, of course not!” He frantically waves his hands. “Ignore me! I have a bad habit of running my mouth occasionally!” His gaze turns worried. “I’m sorry—”

“It’s fine,” you respond, meaning it. You smile. “I don’t mind.”

Normal, normal, normal.

Hideo walks you inside the library. Out of the corner of your eye you can see his neck crane to look at the domed skylight in the center of the library, the interest clear on his face. The building is in a unique shape: a heptagon, walls lined with bookshelves that fit the shape of the building. “I didn’t know this building was a library. Cozy.”

“I think they converted it,” you say. You’ve always liked this library, away from the bustle of the campus. Not many people knew about it. You discovered this building your second year of high school, and found a thin layer of dust on all the books and scrolls. It was clear it hadn’t been occupied in a while. It wasn’t until you had stayed inside for a day or two, unaccounted for, reading whatever you could salvage, that Shoko had found you, Satoru and Suguru not too far behind. Yaga thought you had never come back from a previous mission.

Shoko helped you clear the library. Satoru and Suguru carried a desk and chair into the center, right beneath the skylight, and suddenly, it was a study. Yours.

“I like it here,” you say quietly. “It’s peaceful.”

As soon as you finish your sentence, you hear the large wooden double doors open and slam shut as Satoru strides in. You flinch at the noise.

“...?”

Satoru folds his arms as he rests his weight against one of the bookshelves. He doesn’t need to take off his glasses for you to know he’s keenly unhappy in a way that fills up the entire room.

“...”

Satoru’s jaw ticks.

You move your gaze to the floor, sensing Hideo looking from you to Satoru curiously. Greater men have scurried away from the palpable tension Satoru has injected into the room, but Hideo seems oblivious to it.

“Guess I should leave the two of you to it,” Hideo finally says. “Sorry for the intrusion!”

You startle, looking up, mouth opening to deny his statement, but Satoru’s flat expression snaps your mouth back shut.

“T-Then I’ll see you…” you say quietly, wanting him to stay, to buffer conversation between you and Satoru anyway. But that would be unfair to Hideo. Satoru and Suguru have vocalized their dislike of him, for what you aren’t sure. You think Hideo is similar to Haibara in temperament, with his winning personality and easy going conversational air, and the two of them seem to get along with Haibara just fine.

He stops. Then turns back. “Next week, right?”

You blink. Next…week…? “Yes…?”

Hideo smiles, as a crease forms between Satoru’s eyebrows. Hideo slightly bows in Satoru’s direction before taking his leave. You hold your breath as the doors close once more, leaving you alone with…

Satoru is in front of you before you can blink, pushing you back into your desk. Your knees slightly buckle.

“You didn’t want him to leave,” Satoru says, accusatory, pulling his glasses off his face. “You wanted that third rate sorcerer to stay!”

You frown. “That’s rude.”

He ignores you. “Where’s your phone?”

You look at him curiously. Where had you left it again? Satoru opens his mouth, then closes it so quickly you hear the click of his teeth.

“Is…” you sigh. “Is something wrong?” You would rather he just get it over with. Telling you your outburst that day was unwarranted, and that you had been a terrible person and friend and human being in general. He wouldn’t be wrong.

“No,” he says through gritted teeth. “Nothing is wrong.”

Something, you think, is clearly wrong.

Silence.

All you can think of are Meiko’s words. The Gojo elders who traveled from Fukuouka just to convince Satoru to get married, preferably, to Sasaski. They want him to wed a woman of standing and lineage. They want him to have children. Then take a few mistresses, and impregnate them for backup heirs.

Freedom, you once again think, is immeasurable. You’re sad for Satoru. You want him to be happy. It’s all you’ve ever wanted for him and Suguru and Shoko. It makes you relieved and happy to know Suguru would always be by his side. Any sorrows or joys, would be shared together.

Satoru exhales roughly. In seconds he goes from bearing down at you, gaze alight, to sinking down to his knees in front of you.

You stare at him, confused.

There’s a loud slap of noise that has your eyes going wide.

When Satoru looks back up at you, his cheeks are stinging red, and handprinted. You reach out immediately, fingertips brushing over the heat of his sculpted face, wondering why he had slapped himself.

“Sato—”

“You know, Suguru and I were idiots.”

Oh. “No,” It wasn’t their fault. It was yours. “I shouldn’t have—”

You’re fully backed into the desk, taking a small seat (there’s nowhere else to move) as Satoru rises, hand closing around your nape. He brings you close and kisses you greedily, a moment’s indulgence, until he draws away, letting you breathe as you wonder what just happened.

“There’s nothing I love more than seeing you think,” he murmurs against your lips, piercing blue gaze never leaving yours for a second, “but right now I need you to stop thinking and listen.”

He sinks back down, expression almost smug when you close your mouth. He takes your hands, thumbs rubbing and pressing down on your knuckles soothingly, if not in an almost agitated manner. You’ve seen him do the same thing to Suguru. You don’t think he’s aware of it.

“I haven’t stopped thinking about it,” he admits, expression unusually forlorn. “I forgot…” he hesitates, dropping that line of thinking altogether. “Suguru and I get carried away when it comes to you.” There’s not a hint of amusement on his face as he squeezes your hands. “We don’t like seeing you cry.”

He says it with such a truthful earnestness that your throat goes tight. He’s still him, you think. That very same long limbed mischievous boy who laughed loudly and smiled broadly and clung a little too hard to your side, as if unaware of his own strength. His arm perpetually slung over Suguru’s shoulder like he was always meant to be there. No matter how far you think Satoru and Suguru are, those are the memories you’ll carry in your heart. Those sun slicked, sepia tinged memories, echoing of laughter.

Maybe the only person who had changed was you.

You look down at your entwined fingers.

You, you, you. It’s all you.

You’re a bit embarrassed. You don’t think you cried. Not in front of them at least. You had gone home and locked your door first. I’m sorry too, you want to say, but somehow with Satoru gazing up at you, the words are lodged in your throat. He looks devastatingly sincere. You don’t doubt his words.

“You should forgive us,” Satoru says lightly, almost innocently. Too innocently. That should’ve been more than enough for alarm bells to sound, but you had been preoccupied by Satoru’s show of sincerity.

You blink when his fingers easily wrap around the length of your right ankle. And when he firmly presses your foot to his shoulder, you stare.

You try to drop your foot, move it away, but Satoru’s grip is iron clad. A smile is slowly sneaking onto the corners of Satoru’s lips, making him look more incriminating than anything. You don’t like that look. Not at all.

“Satoru—”

“Would it make you feel better to push me around a little?” He asks breathily, eyes glinting mischievously. “You can kick me if you want, I don’t mind.” His voice lowers. “ Anywhere , really.”

You sweat. Trying to pull your ankle out of his grip isn’t working.

“I’m sorry too,” you blurt out, unable to comprehend how you ended up with your foot on Satoru’s shoulder while he gives you his consent to kick him. “I forgive you, I forgive you—”

“No needa be shy!” He moves your foot to his chest, pressing it down. “Just give me one good kick—”

You give him a flinty, dead eyed stare. “That’s not funny.”

He returns it with a raised eyebrow. “I’m not laughing.”

“Satoru,” you say weakly.

Finally, he releases your foot, and you are allowed to jerk your leg down. You’re instantly relieved, planting both feet firmly on the ground as you dust away the dirt on his shoulder and chest. He sighs, disappointed in a way that perturbs you.

“You’re so difficult sometimes,” you murmur, considerably warming up to his presence.

“That’s right,” he hums, idly trailing a finger down your clothed leg. “You and Suguru have your hands full, I’m sure.” He peers up at you daringly, looking every bit the petulant boy the Gojo clan had spoiled rotten in their adoration of the first six eyes user in centuries. “I’m worth it though, aren’t I?”

“...”

“Sometimes, I wonder that,” you say, (and mean) seriously.

“I didn’t hear that,” he says pleasantly.

“...If you say so…”

You think you imagined the twitch of his eyebrow.

You can’t help but smile. This is how things should be, you think. Now, if you could talk to Suguru, you’re sure you could draw this entire incident to a close. You wouldn’t have to skirt around the two of them with feelings of impending doom clouding your mind.

“Well,” Satoru says casually. “Now that we’ve gotten all that out of the way, apologies and all,” he promptly gets to his feet, so quickly you blink, gaze following him up. His face transforms into a full blown pout. “You’re a true sadist!”

You gawk at him. So soon after reconciliation!?

Satoru scowls. “Throwing Suguru and I away so quickly?”

“???????”

“Who said you were allowed to see and talk to other men!” He frowns even more vigorously at the confusion on your face. “Don’t act so surprised! Suguru’s been sulking every single day! He’s been downright distressed. The girls think he’s depressed! Again!”

You wince, recognizing the tell tale signs of another common Satoru overblown overreaction. Very high school reminiscent you think.

“S-Satoru…”

Satoru sighs dramatically, glaring at you. “Any day now, he might do something drastic.”

You stare at him.

“That’s why you should never get mad at us ever again,” he finishes succinctly, looking at you expectantly.

You stare at him.

When it’s clear you have no response, Satoru brushes off the silence so easily you think this is how others can get tripped up at the pace in which he leads. If you weren’t so used to it, you’d be one of them.

Satoru scans the small room. “Where are our flowers?”

“Oh, they were yours?”

Satoru levels you with a flinty gaze that would send others running to the hills. It elicits no strong response from you. His tone is chilly, displeased. “There’s another man sending you flowers?”

You give him an unimpressed look so withering that he clears his throat, almost meekly.

“Suguru’s idea. I picked them.”

“Well, they’re lovely,” a small smile on your lips. “They’re in Shoko’s office.”

“Of course they are,” he sighs, resigned. He regards you silently for a minute. “Did you like them?”

“I did.” You’re unsure where this line of questioning is headed. You slightly tilt your head to the side in a question.

“They were for you,” Satoru says. “I picked them for you.” He takes a step forward until your legs touch. “I wanted you to have them, so why’d ya have to give them away?”

You blink at the hint of roughness that bleeds through Satoru’s fixed (Suguru’s work) pronunciation. In hindsight, if the flowers were for you…it was awfully rude of you to have given them away wasn’t it?

“I…understand. I’m…sorry for giving your flowers away.”

Now he looks peeved. “They weren’t mi…” he groans, looking at you with an exasperated warmth. Then his eyes narrow. “You’re sorry, huh?”

You don’t…like that look in his eyes.

You don’t have time to respond, because Satoru’s finger comes to rest on the button fastened right below your neck. Uh oh. A sensation familiar to deja-vu suddenly envelopes you.

You’ve been getting a lot of those lately.

Your face warms as Satoru’s tongue runs over his bottom lip, playfully. The button comes undone easily. His voice is playful, but his gaze burns. “You can get on your knees—” your shirt is half undone, your black bra peeking out “—or I can get on mine.”

You don’t think he’s intending to give you a choice, because he’s so quickly down on his knees and spreading your legs apart, you’re blinking from the whiplash.

“Wait—!” You put your hands on his shoulders, thanking whatever deity was looking down on you today that you had put on pants instead of whatever easy skirt and sweater outfit you usually chose when sleep riddled in the morning.

Satoru smiles pleasantly. Too suspiciously well mannered when his fingers are on the zipper of your pants. “Yes?”

“H-how about a kiss instead…?”

You figure it would be easier to untangle yourself from him then…

Satoru’s fingers curl into your thighs, pinning you to the table. You’re surprised to see him seriously consider it. And relieved. His gaze is weighted with all the seriousness of negotiating a crucial deal. “How long?”

Your eyebrows furrow. You’re not sure how long a kiss should be. You hesitantly bring your hands to cup his face and lower your head to gently meet his lips. He’s as still as a statue, except for the sound of his breathing; deep slow breaths that overtake the rise and fall of his chest. His lips are immeasurably soft. A fact that you can only appreciate as time slows.

You take a moment to look at him. In the silence, you can admire the fine lines of his sculpted face and the inviting curve of his lips all within the grasp of your hands. He looks softer like this, happy. It makes you happy.

Satoru’s eyelashes flicker open, long white lashes framing the blues of the sky trapped in his gaze. You offer him a smile, a small quirk of your lips as you turn a hand over and lightly brush his cheek. You blink, taken aback when Satoru lightly takes your hand and presses a kiss to your knuckle.

His eyes flash, engulfed by a dark hunger.

You’re flat on your back against the desk, and there’s no time to think before Satoru presses forward, claiming your lips in an open mouthed kiss that steals your breath away. He’s trapped you into the desk, the weight of his body pushing you down. His fingers wind through your hair, cradling the back of your head.

You can feel his need between your legs, throbbing against you, all harsh panting and heat.

“Satoru,” you mumble the best you can with his lips still eager to meet yours. “We should—”

Your words are smothered when Satoru’s tongue licks into your mouth purposefully. You can tell he’s unhappy to be separated by layers of fabric. Your panties stick to your core, damp, as Satoru begins to lightly rock into you, straining against the material covering your heat.

“Satoru—”

He moans into your mouth, “Just like that.”

You snap your mouth shut, but Satoru doesn’t seem to notice as his lips trail across your neck with a single minded purpose. You feel his lips on your shoulder, as they glide across your chest.

Satoru’s lips are on yours again before you can even blink in an open mouthed kiss, tongue thoroughly exploring your mouth. His hands are tight, pressing into your waist, body flush against yours.

You mentally apologize. Then, you bite him.

Your teeth close over Satoru’s bottom lip. Hard. You almost wince yourself.

To your horror, Satoru does not release you like you thought he would.

You feel his body shudder to a near tremble, and the sharp exhale-like moan that leaves his lips. His eyes look delighted in their frenzied state. He presses closer to you, erection prominent and twitching, holding you even tighter. Your heart races in your chest as Satoru buries himself into your neck, hips grinding into yours.

You force your hands out against his chest. “Satoru,” you say tightly. “Someone could come in.”

That gives him pause. He rises, just slightly, enough to look down on you. You must look like a mess. His tongue swipes over the blood on his lips, and then he smiles.

“Oh?”

This is bad.

“I should talk to Suguru first,” you say quickly, avoiding his gaze. “You know…”

There's a brief pause.

“Hm.” He begrudgingly acquiesces, allowing you enough space to rise up. He briefly cups your face, before a hand falls to your neck. A dull ache flares when Satoru’s thumb presses down. You swallow, trying to calm your beating heart, all despite the fact that his hardness is within plain view.

You try not to stare at it as you busy yourself with buttoning your shirt. You can feel him grinning at you.

“And Suguru says I’m the one with no restraint.” Crossing his arms, he bears down at you expectantly. HIs foot taps up and down.

Your nerves are still frayed, electric, but you feel…almost better. Lighter. Despite the unexpected turn your meeting had taken, you’re happy.

“I love you Satoru,” you say, finishing up your top button. You really do. If he and Suguru and Shoko could be guaranteed happiness for the rest of their lives, you truly would have no problem dying in the next hour.

After straightening out your shirt, you finally look up. Satoru blinks at you, but there’s a flush to his neck, lips warbling.

You haven’t seen Satoru this flustered in ages. You should enjoy it now while it lasts.

“Where’d that come from?” He manages with a croak. He regains himself, straightening, but there's a pleased glint to his eye. Like a preening cat.

“I just wanted to,” you say happily. “Because I love you.”

You stand, rising on your toes to pat his head. Go likes it when you pet him. Meiko had liked it too.

Satoru stares at you, but he doesn’t push your hand away. He closes his eyes with an exhale.

“Are we…good?” you drop your hand, much to the disappointment that overtakes Satoru’s face.

“Always,” he confirms, and a part of you thinks he means it.

You smile. Everything’s going to be alright. As long as Satoru can smile at you like that, then things can’t possibly be as bad as you may have envisioned. You hear Meiko’s words once more: The Gojo clan elders and higher ups from Fukuouka are convening in Tokyo to try and convince Gojo to get married. They want him to have children.

It's odd. That such an important thing hadn't reached your ears. According to Meiko, those elders never left Fukuouka. A matter of the upmost importance. Nobody told you about it. Not even Shoko. It's none of your business. That's what you've been telling yourself, despite the disappointment swirling in your gut. You wish they could have confided in you.

“Do you want children?”

The look of interest on his face quickly fades as his gaze turns discerning. “What brought this on?”

“Nothing,” you say quickly, intuitively deciding that telling Satoru of your excursion with Meiko would be disastrous right now. “Just curious I guess…”

“About how babies are made?” His eyebrows waggle.

“No. I know about that.” Speaking of which. You’d need condoms.

Though you aren’t quite sure how well Satoru would react to you asking him what their to-go brand of condoms are. Maybe you’d ask Suguru instead.

“You weren’t at your place last Sunday,” Satoru says casually.

You blink, caught up in your worries about selecting the wrong condoms. Sunday…that had been…dinner with Meiko.

“Oh, I was out.”

“Out,” Satoru repeats. “Where?”

“With a…” you mentally apologize for being presumptuous, “friend…”

Satoru frowns. “You don’t have friends.”

Other than me, Suguru, and Shoko.

The unspoken words are pointed. You smile nervously.

You aren’t as popular as Satoru, Suguru, and Shoko. That’s a given. Shoko gets invited to for drinks with the auxiliary managers every other day. Visiting jujutsu sorcerers have been known to ask her out for coffee. You’re sure it’s tripled for Satoru and Suguru.

“There are some…” you clear your throat. “I have friends other than you and Shoko and Suguru.”

Ijichi. Utahime….Hideo. Maybe Meiko.

But to be a friend…they’d have to consider you a friend right? It has to go both ways. You’ve never received verbal confirmation or anything. You shouldn’t have automatically assumed…but Meiko had invited you out hadn’t she? She wanted to see you. To talk to you. There were no ulterior motives. She wanted to get to know you. Isn’t that how friendships start? You don’t even remember how Satoru and you became friends. One day he hated you, and then he didn’t. It’s not that much of a surprise. He’s always been a little capricious at heart like that. Satoru, Suguru, and Shoko had seamlessly blended into your life, like they had always been there.

Satoru disregards your words. “You don’t need them.”

He doesn’t believe you. Your face warms in embarrassment. Of course he’d think that. You stay silent awkwardly.

Satoru hums. “So Megumi, huh.” He looks amused. “You should’ve just come over to the apartment.”

“R-right…” Sometimes, you truly believed it was easier to let Satoru think what he wanted. It was harmless anyway. So you’d let him.

He gently pulls you up to your feet. “I’ll drive you home.”

“But Suguru…”

“In Yokohama." He picks at something at your shoulder, but his knuckles brush your neck. "He won’t be back until tomorrow. So eager to see him?”

“Yes,” you admit. “I want to see him and I want…to talk to him.” If these past months have taught you anything, it’s that one of the things you miss most of all is talking to Suguru. Suguru is more than an excellent conversationalist, he’s attentive in a way others aren’t. Satoru and Suguru both. They make you feel seen. Satoru, when he looks at you. Suguru, when he listens.

You cherish it. You’ll miss it.

At your response, Satoru groans, falling to his knees once more. You blink at him, wondering what caused the sudden dramatics.

His fingers grip your pants, like a child hiding behind his mother’s dress.

He looks up at you. You suddenly get the image of a withered man in the desert, dying of thirst, and you already know what he’s going to ask. You step back. His hand falls loosely back to his side.

“No,” you say sternly, in the same manner you tell Go he can’t knock over your vases.

Then you walk outside.

#jjk x reader #gojo satoru x reader #geto suguru x reader #jujutsu kaisen x reader #m.jjk

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kanekoii · 6 months

Note

Haiii :3 Could you pretty please write some hcs about Kyo, Doppio, and Ike with a s/o whos love language is physical touch and quality time and they are basically almost always around them and touching them in some way? (⁠◕⁠દ⁠◕⁠)

lyra’s notes -> OMG ONG OMG ALL THREE OF MY OSHIS IN THIS RQ??! TYSM FOR REQUESTING AND FEEL FREE TO REQUEST MORE <3

pairing -> kyo kaneko, doppio dropscythe, ike eveland x gn! reader

genre -> headcanons, fluff

song -> red thread - oneus

warnings -> established relationship, kyo being kyo

KYO KANEKO •

we know kyo is more of a tsundere type, so he probably just short circuits and doesn’t know how to react to your touch sometimes. i mean, having someone he loves that much right there holding his hand??! he just can’t handle it sometimes (in the best way possible). when he gets flustered by your touch, he’s most definitely just going to brush it off and quickly change the topic. when you kiss him, poor boy has to hide his entire face from how hard he’s blushing. when kyo is the one initiating physical touch, it’s a lot more teasing and playful, sometimes he just can’t help but kiss you all over your cute face! just don’t mention it to him later or he’ll short circuit again. if you want to snuggle on stream, kyo will, but if anyone in chat says anything about it, they get banned lmao

DOPPIO DROPSCYTHE •

he’s much more casual about it, but it still catches him off guard sometimes. he loves you more than anything, so he’s sure to give you lots of hugs and kisses and cuddles all the time! his love language is also touch so you can bet you and him are ALWAYS touching in some way. wether it be doppi’s arm around your shoulder or hip if he’s feeling extra scandalous that day, or just holding hands, he’s always so happy to be around you and spend time with his amazing s/o! the disciplinarian is very strong, so sometimes he enjoys just carrying you around! when doppio is the one initiating touch, it’s usually when he’s streaming (this is like an au where the character is a real person and just streams w/ facecam if that makes sense)! he just wants to snuggle with you while he plays games! if you fall asleep on stream, doppi is most definitely going to ramble to chat about how adorable you are!

IKE EVELAND •

he’s really shy about it at first, but he slowly comes around to it. he’s a very introverted person, so you actually wanting to spend time with him and always holding his hand and snuggling into his side or shoulder really gets him off guard sometimes. but god he loves it once he gets used to it. surprisingly, ike is usually the one initiating it now! he just can’t help himself when you’re so adorable and precious and he just loves kissing you so SO much! he loves napping with you too! wether it be you laying on top of him or him just hugging you tightly in his sleep, ike absolutely loves waking up to see you right there. he can’t help but shower you in kisses when you wake up from your shared nap! he’s sorry, you’re just so precious! cuddling on stream is an absolute YES!! he wants everyone to see how much he loves you!

#lyr.fic #nijien #nijien x reader #kyo kaneko #kyo kaneko x reader #kyo kaneko x you #doppio dropscythe #doppio dropscythe x reader #doppio dropscythe my favorite cheftective x you #ike eveland x you #ike eveland x reader #ike eveland

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end-otw-racism · 11 months

Text

End OTW Racism Link Round-up: Week 2!

Our first (hopefully of many) two-week #EndOTWRacism action is over! Check out our post on next steps and how to stay involved if you haven’t already.

Just like our first week link round-up, here’s a collection of some of the longer-form discussion/analysis that people shared in week two (we're going with posts on tumblr, dreamwidth, and other sites, as well as twitter threads that are longer than three tweets). These are posts that we think would be helpful to consider as fandom engages in the necessary conversations about these issues.

Note: There has been a plethora of information that’s come out about OTW in the past week, particularly from former and current volunteers, which calls into question the way the organization functions and details the harm they have done to their own volunteers. Much of it does not directly reference our campaign or racism, so we won’t be sharing all of that conversation here, but you can find a round-up of that conversation at the dreamwidth account synonymous.

Tumblr

seepunkrun: I haven’t heard back from the OTW on this yet. In fact, I’m still waiting for a reply to the last letter I sent them on this subject. That’s why I’m glad to see increased transparency included in @end-otw-racism’s list of demands [link]

wondersmith-and-sons: if we're gonna be frank about otw's "anti-racism policies"/hiring of diversity consultants/attempt for social change, i'm gonna say that my good faith in them has run out a while ago and that i genuinely don't think they ever had the intention to follow through on tackling racial abuse, like, ever. [link]

elumish: In response to criticism about EndOTWRacism (part 2): one of the main questions that I see a lot about stuff like this is, how do we write policy to keep there it from backfiring or being used for purges? [link]

princeescaluswords: Activism Isn’t a Raincoat [link]

massharp1971: The right want free speech, but only for themselves [link]

Twitter

tea_deviation: this is even further off topic, but I was doing the math here and it boggles my fucking mind that ao3 is not driving towards being endowment funded? [link]

fiercynonym: i mentioned, as an aside in my thread about how OTW appears to have $2.5 MILLION that they are spending on absolutely nothing, that francesca coppa received a fan studies grant from OTW once, but i want to talk about that specific piece a little more [link]

generalfrings: For all the disingenuous raising of "concerns" at #EndOTWRacism over hypothetical volunteers that would hypothetically handle racists in AO3 (+ the dismissal of the real current harm on poc and black fans), I want to see some response for OTW actually traumatizing real volunteers [link]

_impertinence: #EndOTWRacism the way chinese fans have been sidelined and belittled by the org is so fucking disgusting [link]

hydrochaeris3: ok full disclosure this came about bc i was thinking about why i havent seen people be "pro worker" (or in the otw/ao3's case "pro volunteer") more in response to the endotwracism campaign. bc in most leftist circles ik that ppl would use workers rights arguments to push back on [link]

saathi1013: If it's anything I've learned from contemporary activism it's this: it's never "just" racism. [link]

cyrilapologist: worth considering that end otw racism is also a labor issue [link]

hydrochaeris3: stalking IS bad but i do think it's real funny that so many bnfs are coming out of the woodwork to say smthn about how upsetting it is that this white person got stalked instead of literally anything for #EndOTWRacism for the last two whole weeks [link]

aral_was_here: I'm going to keep the pfp and account name for a bit because I'm feeling pissed about how #EndOTWRacism has been dismissed by so many fans as virtue signaling or as a smokescreen for certain people they see as fandom boogeymen lying in wait to take our porn at a moment's notice. [link]

Dreamwidth

beatrice_otter: Signal boost: "Be more democratic, be more autocratic, OTW", by chestnut_pod (with background & highlights) [link]

wistfuljane: Mythical Dragons & Wild Unicorns: A Decade Later [link]

naye: The Glorious 25th of May - #EndOTWRacism [link]

naye: OTW needs a lot more transforming [link]

Other sites

enk-dash-one at fandom.ink: 1/3 Fellow white people, I encourage you to read this thread first: Then, I'd like to add, speaking exclusively to fellow white people who are worried about this: we are already racist. [link]

Klaudiasays on TikTok: let's get #EndOTWRacism trending [link]

Stitch for Teen Vogue: As #EndOTWRacism Fights for AO3 Policy Changes, Fandom Racism Bubbles to the Surface [link]

We'd love for folks to keep discussing the issues raised during this action! We organizers are probably going to go quiet for a little while to gather ourselves and work on moving forward, but if you send us posts by submitting to our tumblr, tweeting at us, messaging us on dreamwidth, or emailing us at endotwracism [at] gmail [dot], we will consider linking or posting them. We do reserve the right to only share posts that are in line with the intent of the campaign and that we believe are adding to the conversation.

#end otw racism #racism in fandom #ao3 #otw #organization for transformative works #archive of our own #fandom racism #endotwracism #link round up

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utopians · 10 months

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I mean s1 was deffo better than s2 but why do you say that it wasn't good? /gen

mannn honestly it would take ages to enumerate all my problems with it but these are the main ones

just a massive, massive tone problem. this show just has no clue what it wants to be and it's bad as hell as a result. the wilderness scenes in this season had some of the darkest stuff of anything in the show (eating jackie + shauna miscarriage + shauna beating lottie) and having all that next to like... misty's quirky reddit boyfriend just absolutely defanged it. the show doesn't want to commit to being either a quirky mystery/comedy or a gritty survival horror and because of that it fails to effectively be anything at all

misty's reddit boyfriend in general just sucked so bad. like what was that

the escalation from 'we're hungry' to 'let's draw cards and murder whoever gets the wrong one' occurred over the span of ONE EPISODE. one SINGLE episode without ANY NEGOTIATION. literally not one single scene of the characters even TALKING about it before it happened. what a joke. what an absolute joke. they had an entire season to build to it how'd they fuck it up this bad

this is a problem I had with the first season as well but the survival threat feels so told and not shown. like we're told all these characters are Soooo Hungry but none of them are ever actually like. fatigued. or ill. or Dying. like how the fuck is coach ben still alive man. it just makes the escalation to killing people that much more abrupt and the whole situation seem so contrived when it doesn't actually feel like they're in danger

just in general the show like. refuses to let any of its characters feel anything at all. shauna straight up killed an innocent man that she was having an affair with last season and the extent of the emotional fallout of that act is her making quirky Oh Whoopsie comments about it. like that would be an insane traumatic thing to go through and you'd think it would be the kind of thing the show would want to explore. but no. not on amc's yellowjackets

on that same topic. shauna beating lottie had weirdly little emotional fallout. like ik they didn't like each other but shauna almost beat lottie to death with her hands and seemed just like. kind of sad and apologetic afterwards. like you'd think that such an act would have some sort of extreme ramifications for her relationship with the group and her own emotional state but nah

in the same vein: this season did adult taissa SO dirty. all the little plot threads that made her story difficult and compelling last season have completely been dropped -- her wife and son were literally written out like 4 episodes in and we don't see any of the emotional complexity of her leaving behind those relationships. additionally the last season ended with her being elected senator (sth that could cause a lot of conflict and drama bc of the increased responsibility on her shoulders + surveillance and scrutiny of her life) and it literally just. never comes up again? like her wife is in a coma and her son is just left fully parentless and she walks away from her job as a US STATE SENATOR and not only are there no consequences she also just literally does not seem to care. I feel like the writers just had no clue what they wanted to do with her and so they just gave her... nothing. no conflict no emotions just nothinggggg

okay they did give her one thing. they gave her an evil alter ego. which is mad corny imo. last season it was weird and ambiguous enough that I enjoyed it but this season it was just so literal and on the nose and I did not enjoy it One Bit

similar to the cards thing lottie deciding that they needed to kill one of them at the end was so damn abrupt and stupid. like literally so pointless and out of nowhere

natalie's death was so silly and contrived that it actually made me laugh

adult van is not butch enough ‼️‼️‼️‼️

#asked and answered

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probablydinosaurs · 3 months

Text

this was originally a twitter thread but mehhhh. the audience of one-two here get my insane venting instead. its 3am. I've had a rough day and I just want to list it out from worst to least worst. sorry if this is venting. again 3am. 1: my sister showed up completely unannounced, and waltzed in a fight with my other sister and her husband at their place. she had good reason to be here (she's homeless and is a fuckin ice age here. that's not a problem. we are glad she went to us for help.)-sadly she's an entitled fuck who begged my dad for cigs when we have NOTHING BUT A ROOF to give. its SCARY how poor we are. She was also VERY TRANSPHOBIC, which was not on my sister's bingo card this year. mainly about trans woman and their "complaining". my already shit sister saying terf shit was not smth i thought id hear. i was very upset about that. i haven't talked to her bc ik if i do, il cry but I've been giving her the silent treatment unless it's akward. 2: i have covid. had symptoms since like the 13th (i joked that i got it for my birthday) and its been a nightmare. i can't sleep. Eating sucks. my nose hurts. i think i blew a blood vessel in my eye. its just been the worst. 3: due to being unable to sleep, im wildly manic at 3am. i have nothing to do and no one to talk to. and im unreasonably upset that people on tiktok think Spongebob is a kid. like boi your face screams "post movie" pleaaasseee educate yourself on cartoon history. he is an adult! 4: after ALLL of this like 7 mins ago, the fire alarm randomly beeped a few times. luckily not a lot but still. stressed me the FUCK OUT. nothing is on. i think bc its the FUCKIN ICE AGE OUTSIDE, the apartment is a TAD too warm (witch its not. my feet are frozen)

5: found out today that scientists didn't start using real menstrual blood on pads/tampons till AUGUST OF LAST YEAR??? WTF WERE U USING BEFORE? That's why pads are always off SOMEHOW. SOMEHOW there's an issue. and tampons never fit right. they have been fuckin guessin for decades 6: my new cat is a needy hoe. I'm used to it but with covid and barely being able to walk/exist, her sweving between my legs is a nightmare. I always have to throw a bottle cap down the hallway just so she doesn't get in my room. 7: been on upsetting media tiktok. why the fuck is there a fandom forming around a vent cartoon about S/A???? like I won't say its bad but that's not a FANDOM THING! yall are fucked up (also it parodies the peewee's playhouse op and that bugs me. i love peewee.)

interlude: my needy hoe of a cat is named peewee (well to my mom, it's now Princess Pipsqueak but thats not a good name to say in frustration as I'm trying to exist down the hallway. also, we thought she was a boi at first and she has a face that looks like paul Reubens's. I still see it. 8: I have used up all the TP and tissues in the house and have been using paper towels to blow my nose, which is roughing up my already red sore nose. I put gold bond on my nose and it BURNED but now it feels smoother. 9: i feel like i annoy people with my Hannibal hyperfixation. i have yet to truly let it spread here but it's EVERYWHERE ELSE. (and il probs reblog this onto my hannibal blog so hiiiii) and yet it feels like no one cares. ik it's a bit niche, upsetting not everyones thing but Ive NEVER loved smth more and it hurts when i don't talk about it I just. want to get someone into it. someone else got me into it and it means a lot. I hope they are doing ok. I'm grateful they gave me my favorite hyperfixation ever. I've littrally never loved anything more. and I've been into a LOT of stuff. i was called annoying by an ex friend because i got into things too much. and to them, "too much" was anything that wasn't "i like this thing. i think this thing is good and cool. lets rp weird incest about it." (i hate my teen years) but like. that ex friend would HAAAAATE by hyperfixatiing now. i have friends to ENABLE ME NOW. 10: just added this one. kinda put two and two together that corp vtubers birthdays most likely aren't their real birthdays. everyone is celebrating a graduated corps bday and yet they moved to another company and like. no birthday in sight. and it feels weird to latch onto their old persona's bday when they are right there with probs a new (and more real maybe) birthday. you can actually go celebrate with them whenever their "new" birthday is and yet you are clinging to the past. especially since they are THRIVING where they are rn and were not happy as a bigger corp.

thats a bout it. thanks if u saw this and read. its ok if you didnt. i just had a LOT go on lately.

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raekensarcher · 1 year

Note

e (snail la vie AND crimson stained hands pls), f, i !!!

E. OMG,,,,, okay, if I did one for snail la vie fic it would definitely still be another high fic,, except Theo centric this time and maybe it was accidental? u know, ike the episode of 9-1-1, Dosed? I think that would be funny n sweet.

as for crimson stained hands,, I would probably write one about Liam and his worst day, something to do with his IED and self image issues. I got close to it with the laying on the floor one, just having him in his feelings in a way we never get to see. I think there's a lot about him we (any writers) could go into for him in a way we always do for Theo. I would like to write more of that at some point. and I will be getting more into it for the next chapter of the control fic ;)

F. One single thread of gold tied me to you

favorite piece of dialogue and why. this section is so, so special to me for so many reasons just bc this fic was based on real life and projecting my feelings,, but the gentleness Theo shows Liam when he is at his most vulnerable, when he feels so weak, Theo is believing in him enough for the both of them and I just think it's too special to ignore. plus, we never really get to see Liam struggling as much as we see Theo struggling.

“It’s going to be bad this time.” He hiccups through his words, fingers spasming between Theo’s. He just squeezes tighter, lips moving across knuckles as he speaks again.

“It won't kill you.”

Liam laughs, it’s a broken sort of thing, more sob than amusement. “It might.”

“It won’t.”

Liam finally lets his head fall to the side, letting his eyes meet Theo’s in the dark. Theo is washed in moonlight, he looks softer like this. He looks like everything Liam wants.

“Promise?”

Theo gives him a soft smile, nodding. “Promise.”

I. do I have a guilty pleasure in fic? (reading/writing)

I wouldn't say guilty pleasure so much as, like, the being seen/known without speaking about things. like. person A seeing the small things or filling in the blanks about person B and it just shocks person B so much that they're just. speechless and person A is like yea yea whatever. idk. I love that shit

#thank u for asking.#I love u so bad #ask game

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mellowdisco · 2 years

Text

sorry about not being on here and only coming on to rb edits and fcs dksfhj i’ve been taking some time away to try and figure out what i should do w this blog because while i do love all of the threads and dynamics i currently have (and i do mean this with my whole ass chest and heart), i’ve been feeling bad about some stuff...

like there are drafts i haven’t touched in 1-2 months that i’m not even sure if i should still tackle. most of my partners are fast-paced and i worry they feel like i’m not the partner for them and just don’t want to say it 😭 ik some ppl have expiry dates and have probably already considered them dropped so i’m at an awkward point where i don’t know what to do. i also have a lot of insecurities when it comes to my writing and stance with people that adds to it

most of this is just a Me problem too honestly... i find it hard to communicate and feel insecure about our threads if we aren’t close or if we don’t interact much ooc, if someone stops replying to me ooc i start to worry i’ve done something wrong so it puts me off from replying to threads which i’m 100% aware is honestly SO dumb and unfair. i never blame anyone but myself for this and it’s something i should and have been trying to work on.

because i’ve always been aware of these insecurities, my initial idea for this blog was to keep it private and friends only, but at the same time i want to meet more people and don’t want to close off potential new partners 😔 so i was never really strict w that rule.

i want people i can rave about our muses / ships with when we’re feeling musey while still being able to talk about other stuff. bc that’s really only why i’m here. no weird vibes just pure pals who talk and write sometimes<3 i feel like everyone but me has Those Partners while i’m just floating here like pennywise’s red balloon...

maybe this blog needs a big clean up overall, idk. i’m thinking of moving (again... i know) and taking w me the people who are genuinely still interested in writing whether it be w our existing stuff or new ones. or... just disappear quietly and start completely fresh on a new blog w new muses (those i have long term stuff with, we could either continue on d.iscord or on a private sideblog)

if you do end up reading all of that mess, i’m sorry dsfksjfgf i’d love some opinions on what you think i should do... or maybe a show of hands who here would genuinely still like to write together? that might help me w my decision-making but if not, pls just scroll past this post and move on with your day<3 i know this is really awkward so i’ll just assume you didn’t see this post, no hard feelings!

#🪐 . . 𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐜 ▸ ooc.#not really n/egativity just long vent and Thots tbh #ok maybe a little n/egativity i'll tag anyway just in case #negativity cw #this is really long just a warning #none of this prolly even makes sense... anyway #tbd

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smooth-goat · 11 months

Note

hi robin lol 1, 6, 7, 13, 14, 18 (ik you do but I want to know the answer to the second part), 22, 23, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 35, 36, 37, 42, 43, 49, 50, 51, 58, 61 (out of all of them), 62 and 63 (for a&a), 64 (for ginger tea) 68, 69, 72, 73, 74, 75, 76, 78, 79

so many !! fjdsklaf (ask meme here) i'll put most of the answers under a read more cause its long

1. Do you daydream a lot before you write, or go for it as soon as the ideas strike?

oh i daydream for sure. my fics tend to start as a single paragraph elevator pitch, basically, in my brainstorming document. And i'll daydream and experiment a little at what scenes that would include, what character interactions, different moods and settings—the Vibes. then i can start outlining. even though i can type quickly, my thoughts still move faster, and i feel i need to think things out before i start typing something and forget the other ideas in my head

6. What's the last line you wrote?

"The infant whimpers in the arms of the woman beside the pulpit. Snufkin eyes flick to her for a moment, Moomintroll sees. He adjusts the large scarf across his shoulders. His words stumble, just a little." — from a&a

7. Post a snippet from a wip.

Moomintroll’s paw twitched on the small of Snufkin’s back. Squeezed slightly. Hardly daring, Snufkin pressed his forehead into Moomintroll’s chest, breathing in his scent. Light, at first, and then sinking in. Fresh bread and laundry soap. A tinge of alcohol on his breath.

13. Do you listen to music while you write? If yes, what have you been listening to recently?

I used to (as in just two years ago) be able to listen to music or have old youtube videos on in the background as I wrote. I wrote about half of "chlorine & corticosteroids", probably, with jenna marbles videos playing in the background. but something changed in my brain and now i need Silence or maybe a looping instrumental song. I like Erik Satie's "Gnossiène no. 3".

14. What is your favorite location and position to write in?

Most often, I write in my room, crouched over or lying on my stomach very babygirl. Favorite though is writing in the patio of my local library. Outdoors, nice weather, free wifi and power outlet. I can have a little beverage and look at trees and birds.

18. Do you enjoy research? Which fic of yours required the most research?

As we both know, of Course i enjoy research jfdskla the one that required the most was probably "chlorine & corticosteroids" actually. It was the longest fic I had written at the time, so there were more little details I wanted right. Also it was about ulcerative colitis, a condition I don't have, so I wanted to do research to get it right. Medical information, of course, but also forums and reddit threads and tumblr posts by people with UC to get a feel for actual life with it. The experience of being on a low-fiber medical diet, of EDCs relating to fecal incontinence and ileostomy bags. Also also because I set it in Flagstaff, Arizona: a place I have never been to. So I spend a lot of time on google maps looking at different neighborhoods and bus routes and knowing where everything in the city was. I might have spent more time researching a&a, but i think the research for c&c was more necessary. then again, i did read whole books for a&a so. idk.

22. Do you title your fics before, during, or after the writing process? How do you come up with titles?

already answered !

23. Is writing the beginning, middle, or end of the story easiest? Hardest?

I do this thing, for the beginning of a story (or chapter) that I have the outline establish a few sentences, then start writing what is functionally the second paragraph. And then I can never think of a good first line, so I just make that "second" paragraph into the first. And I feel it usually works? I think it skips the boring little establishing bits and catches interest better. Wrt outlining though and broader plots? I don't really think the beginning, middle, or end is the hardest. I'll have really strong visions for specific scenes, and I just have to figure out how to fill in between them. I guess most of those are in the middle, but the middle is also just the biggest part of the story, so I don't think it's fair to say it's the hardest for that.

25. What’s your favorite part of the writing process (worldbuilding, brainstorming/outlining, writing, editing, etc)?

Worldbuilding can be fun because of all the research, but I feel sometimes I get too in the weeds and lose steam. I try to reign myself in and research as I go when needed. I write my outline and a notable amount of prose all at once, bouncing around a little, and then the outline is simply cannabalized by the prose. I do that especially with dialogue, where I write most of the actual "script" so to speak on my first pass and then add the tags and pacing sentences after. I think that first pass is the most exciting, where I can see the story change from ideas in my head into a more concrete vision.

26. What’s your least favorite part of the writing process?

when i write and can't immediately think of what joins moments together, i'll fill it in with a placeholder, like [few sentences] or [transition]. sometimes they're more specific, like [back and forth about scheduling] but sometimes i don't have an idea for what goes there. and sometimes filling in those gaps is like pulling teeth

27. What area of writing do you feel strongest in?

mood and tone, i think, are my strongest. the sort of atmosphere and how the air hangs and all that

28. What area of writing do you want to improve in?

I definitely do want to get more comfortable writing sex scenes. I think they're a rich vein of narrative and character and symbolic importance and I want to practice that more. I also want to get better at more complex narratives. All my stories, mostly given their length, have only had the capacity for a single plot, and maybe small threads of others. In a few years, I'd like to be able to write something with definite A and B plots.

29. What’s something about your writing that you’re proud of?

answered here !

30. How much do you edit your fics? Do you edit as you write or wait until you finish the first draft?

This kind of goes back to the outline turning into the prose. Usually I get a sentence in that's just very plain text what happens, and then I'll go in after and backfill actual prose. And usually I know as I write what spots need reworking, and I'll leave a comment to myself (e.g. "rephrase" or "move to [x] paragraph" or "would he be this direct"). Or it'll simply be a word that I want to run in a thesaurus cause the perfect word isn't coming to me at the moment but I don't want to lose momentum so I just flag it for later. But I don't think I do a lot of editing tbh. Sometimes I read over finished chapters to catch repetitive lines and such, but a lot of big structural editing I do as I write in the outline stage.

35. What’s your favorite fic you’ve posted? (L)

Favorite that I've posted might be "Black Cohosh". I think it was a change in direction into the kind of stuff I really enjoy writing now: a sort of moody, introspective piece weighted with symbolism. Also bees. I also really like "chlorine & corticosteroids" in the sort of same-but-opposite way. It's definitely a modern piece with a modern voice, and I think it has a good tonal balance between the humor and affection of Jesse and Lake becoming close and the weight of Jesse facing his dangerous people-pleasing and Lake's and Tulip's experiences with ableism.

36. What fic are you proudest of? (L)

Proudest of is definitely a&a. It's the longest thing I've written and the most unapologetic, I think. It took a lot to include the plot points I was nervous about, but I think it was worth it

37. What fic has been the hardest for you to write?

answered here !

42. What’s your favorite title that you’ve come up with?

I think "Sweetpea & Daffodil" is a good title on the floriographic front. "gratitude & please return my affection" really fits the theme of what happens in it, the letters to ones own disabled body which read like two lovers in pain and desperate to make it work. tbh i think my floriographic titles have all been pretty apt, cause these emotions are exactly what the code is built for. Yellow rainflower standing for friendship but also betrayal, undying love but also infidelity. Lavender symbolizing devotion and distrust. I also like "chlorine & corticosteroids" for its contrast, showing the two very different worlds of Jesse and Lake respectively, and seeing them interact.

43. Is there a trope or idea that you’d really like to write but haven’t yet?

Oh I have a wip called "Common Courtesy", focused on Snufkin and Pappa's interactions, where Pappa Does An Ableism and then instead of actually apologizing, builds a ramp to Moominhouse, and is a little Too expectant of praise for it. Getting into infrastructural segregation and Moominpappa's inability to apologize and just. Seeing these two very different but equally stubborn men interact.

49. What fic of yours would you say is the best introduction to you as a writer?

I think "Ginger Tea and Parsley Oil" is a decent introduction to the style and topics that I like to go into. lmao i just read it again and ive definitely gotten better (so much of it feels clunky to me now!) but i think that's a good an entry as any

50. How would you describe your writing style?

A part of my writing style I've put a lot of focus on for years is word choice. There's a sort of emotional depth, I think, that can be found in words that sound a little unnatural. As if each one had a pause before you spoke it. My backburner OC story Ink Blots has a significant portion of dialogue between people speaking in a mutually non-native lingua franca, so there's always this sort of haze of people translating things in their head, how this translation affects how they speak. And I think that's something that I've transferred into my fic writing too.

51. Does what you like to write differ from what you like to read?

For sure! tbh i haven't been reading much fic lately, but books I like to read are often different than what I write. I've liked Kurt Vonnegut for many years now, who has a much more blunt style than I do: much shorter word length and simple grammar. And I love Jane Austen, who writes very differently from me in both content (satires about the English landed gentry) and style (quippy dialogue and sometimes meandering prose). I've also enjoyed epistolary novels, like Dracula and Ella Minnow Pea. I've never written epistolary works before, but it seems fun

58. Do you have a favorite piece of figurative language you’ve written?

hard to pick! i use a lot of it fdjaskl i'd say one i like is in a&a chapter 16:

There's a single word sitting in the middle of the table. It's heavy. The wooden legs creak and groan under its weight. Moomintroll fears putting anything else down even a little too roughly will make the table collapse.

i think it's evocative, effective, and i was able to play with it the whole rest of the chapter with characters' interactions with the physical table they were sitting at mirroring their approaches and avoidances of the topic at hand

61. In [all of your fics], what’s your favorite scene that you wrote?

idk about favorite cause that's a tough question, but i really like the scene in "Yellow Rainflower" where Alicia and Snufkin are talking at night about why Snufkin took so long to come back and never even wrote her. I think it was good move into the stuff I like to do now: conversations beginning to put equal or more weight into what is unsaid than what is actually said.

62 .In [acacia & asphodel], is there a deleted scene/idea you wish you could have included? Why did it get cut?

Oh when I was figuring out a&a, I wasn't really sure of its format. Would it be a one-shot series, a single piece, something in between? I have a bunch of little ideas but there are two I am a little sad to see go. One is where Alicia takes in a stray cat, and there's some fun little banter between them over it. But it's one that includes Sisu as a toddler so when I narrowed the scope of the fic to just the pregnancy and Sisu's first few days of life, I had to cut it cause it wouldn't make sense for her to do it then. Another is a sort of scrapped epilogue, where Moomintroll paints Snufkin giving Sisu a bath in the sink. I cut it cause for one just like before it required Sisu to just be a little bit older (though by just a few months), and also it was redundant with the closing chapter I have already. Also it felt a little too neat and tidy, and I wanted a more ambiguous ending that signified another beginning, not something that could read more as a happily-ever-after.

63. What was the hardest part of writing [acacia & asphodel]?

answered here !

64 . If you rewrote [Ginger Tea] now, would you change anything?

I like Parsley Oil as it is alright, but I think I would restructure Meadowsweet. More internal monologue, less verbal monologue. I think there are things that Snufkin would think but not say out loud that I had him say out loud and are just a little Too Vulnerable for him to voice.

68. Are there any fics that influenced you to write the way you do?

I feel like that would be really hard to trace. I've read a lot of fic jfkdlsa I like to read through entire tags of a fandom (a character or ship or another tag), or sometimes the entire fandom's tag on ao3. I think looking at different fandoms though, my writing style is very influenced by Pathologic fics I've read. The symbolism and the moodiness and the weight and the politics are all,I feel, lifted more from those works than a lot of Moomin fics.

69. What are your favorite fics at the moment?

i'm not reading any fics at the moment jfkdsl favorites that i've had, though, include "Gracilis", "Darling, Oh", "The Little Book of Daffodils", and "Moss". I also really like Weevilo707's Infinity Train fics.

72. What’s your favorite writing compliment you’ve gotten?

I love getting complimented on symbolism, especially when it's something I didn't really notice myself doing. Like when I was doing it, I knew something was meaningful and important and so put it in, but I couldn't articulate how, and then I see someone put all my own thoughts into words. It really reminds me of why I love sharing my writing—I love the collaborate discussion and the enthusiasm with which I can talk to my friends about it.

73. What do you tend to get complimented on the most about your writing?

Often symbolism—especially lately, cause a&a has had a lot of symbolism and narrative parallels, and I love talking about that. I also get compliments on research (of course) and on specific gut-punch lines, often at a chapter's end.

74. Do you have a fic you wish got a bit more love?

answered here !

75. Is there a particular fic that readers gravitated towards that you didn’t expect?

answered here !

76. How do you deal with writing pressure, whether internal or external?

I think the external pressure I face writing is not in regards to writing what gets more attention—I've tried writing it and know it does better but also I know it doesn't feel as rewarding or interesting to write—but in avoiding topics of controversy. Including sex scenes, discussions of sex work and of eugenics and abortion, showing sexual harassment and antisemitism, depicting the common instances of ableism that I'm certain a notable amount of my readers have performed themselves. The controversial stuff, the kind of stuff that gets strangers to rally against you, can be scary to share. Internally, sometimes I do feel pressure to keep to a publishing schedule, feeling like I "owe" readers a regular update. But ultimately, I know that's not true. I'm a regular guy and a pretty busy one at that. Writing a novel for fun and for free? This is something I'll do when I have time and if I treat it too much like another job then I'll lose my love of it.

78. What motivates you during the writing process?

for general writing, the sort of "get-er-done" motivation, I like to get inspired. I read my old stuff, I listen to the playlists that I made, I make amvs in my head. Something that will get me emotionally invested in the art. There's also the motivation wrt the content of what I write, and for that I keep thinking about this anon I got, a disabled person who was really touched by the first sex scene in a&a, saying they hadn't felt represented in a sex scene before. That's just a really poignant thing for me, to be able to make another disabled person feel seen. Stuff like that, hearing from other disabled people, seeing our shared experiences—that's really motivating too, encouraging me to keep writing what I'm writing, because while it might be niche, there's an audience that really cares.

79. Do you have any writing advice you want to share?

One of the biggest things that's helped me is analyzing the writing of other's—stuff you like, stuff that's just not your taste but effective, and stuff that just sucks. Why do certain things work and others not? Where's the line between personal taste and common consensus—and is that line where you feel it should be, and why that? I've loved film analysis, and video essays about films. I think that sort of critical thinking is really helpful for knowing how to construct your writing. (robin ?? suggesting research ??? who could have guessed)

#ask meme #long post #birdsong #asked and answered #ask #a&a #acacia & asphodel

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salt-volk · 2 years

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am i like... the only one who doesn't think any of this is all that bad?

dv has always been slow making improvements, but it seems especially since hiring artist team we've gotten lots more updates, and some reasonable progress has been made. they're also making slightly better effort to communicate. trying to listen and implement things here & there (midmonth updates as a thing).

is it perfect? absolutely not. could they be doing better and making more progress faster? definitely. are there some major fumbling points that raise community tensions to a boil (like customs)? yeah, of course. but idk..

no shade on anyone, your feelings are valid. but sometimes it all seems so "dramatic" (not rlly the right word, but you get the intention). like instead of monitoring improvements checking in occasionally just kinda waiting it out, it has to be a catastrophized thing like "ahh dv is ending!!! i'm leaving dv!!! fuck everything and fuck the staff!!!"

and ik that dv isn't beta anymore so most ppl have the attitude of "all of this should have been fixed forever ago! i can't believe we still having this problem! things need to change NOW!!". but... idk nothing in dv to me is so pressing that i feel absolutely enraged over it or like i need to delete my account or boycott or something.

i feel kinda like a passenger just along for the ride, curious to see what happens next. i'm absolutely critical, and give input in improvement threads when it feels necessary. def a lot needs to change. i understand the urging staff to look at certain issues. but i also just feel mostly neutral passivity.

maybe its just social media. ppl being in their feelings or using certain language to make a point. but i don't think i've ever felt as strongly abt anything on dv as half of the ppl here do. if i found out anji was actively currently donating $ to an organization that funded conversion therapy or something like that, THEN i'd be like "okay i'm leaving dv i'm never spending money here again" and all of that. but just simple stuff like "updates are too slow" "the custom system is fucked up" "staff communication is bad"... to me, these are all things that can probly improve with time and better site resources. that i can easily stand to just curiously wait around for.

i don't feel like i lose anything by staying, or that i'd gain anything by leaving. i'm very invested in the concept of dv and want it to do well, but maybe i'm invested in a v detached way or something. i just can't bring myself to be outrage level mad abt this stuff bc it's all just pixels and shit at the end of the day. most of the "major dv scandals" just remind me of similar issues with other games ive been on early in their start, or working on weirdly managed creative group projects in college, or other things. nothing so far has been unbearably bad to me, or even close to it. i've seen it all before. or if i haven't i get where it comes from.

and idk even after all the bullshit with them, i guess i still kinda trust staff to improve? maybe i give the benefit of the doubt too often. i just feel like none of it is intentional. i think they don't have proper funding or management skills, and they're not used to running a website like this. it's all just growing pains that they have to sort out and learn from. and there's evidence that certain aspects are still steadily improving over time. will they improve fast enough before every other person except me leaves dv out of frustration or whatever? idk, i hope so. but i don't lose anything by just hanging around to see. at the least its an interesting experience and a study in online communities. at the best, the site genuinely does fix it's issues and i'll be glad i hung around.

just sometimes reading stuff on here... i start to feel like i'm the only one who's kinda chilling in the back while everyone else is predicting dv's downfall, getting into rlly heated arguments, writing manifestos abt why they're going to leave or whatever lol.. it's good to see ppl so passionate abt something but that also makes it a strange and tense environment. it can feel surreal to be surrounded by it all. ykwim?

#Mod yoshi #anonymous

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madeimpact · 2 years

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@feralocsnkids replied to your post “I’m having a lot of really vague Sora muse but not...”:

For Eliza maybe? Yeah ik it's still pokemon but *c'mon-*

Heartless: Omg so many litle creachers. Thatse it. They canot change thsi. They imitate the shapes of the Pokémon native to the area and could probably be mistaken for Shadow Pokémon to the unknowing eye!

Keyblade: Obviously the head of the key is one red arch and one white arch surrounding the hilt to resemble a Poké Ball. The actual blade part is a little trickier, but I like the idea of the base starter types ( Fire, Water, Grass ) intertwining to form the body of the blade. Like, a crashing wave whose crest surrounds greenery that emerges from inside? And then the “key” part is a flame emerging from the side? Maybe little elements from every other type incorporated along different parts of the blade but I’m not a talented enough weapon designer to draw that. And the keychain? A Poké Ball would be way too obvious. The Island Challenge amulet is just BEGGING to be a keychain, but that’s just me being super biased towards Alola as the “island chain where protag goes to other worlds” region.

Keyhole: Hard to say, since there are multiple locations of major plot significance if you look at all the regions. If we narrow our scope to Hoenn, I want to say at the Cave of Origin or Sky Pillar. But if we’re looking at the Pokémon world at large? Given that the Keyholes in 2 seem to be tied to objects rather than specific locations, I want to say it could be an Arceus plate? Since you can find those in just about every game after gen 4, and Arceus is Poké-God.

Other things: I know I have not shut up about this but Shadow Pokémon are created by CLOSING OFF THE HEART OF THE POKÉMON. AND YOU PURIFY THEM BY BEFRIENDING THEM??? COME ONNNN. This has so much potential holy fuck. I want a thread with Sora purifying Shadow mons so bad you have no idea. Also something something darkness in evil team leaders’ hearts. I feel like there’s some potential for a Rainbow Rocket plot in there somewhere.

#❛ ooc: inbox.#i know these aren't technically inbox but ehhh they're prompt responses. potayto potahto #feralocsnkids #i sketched a ROUGH draft of the keyblade but if i draw one of these i'll have to draw all of them and idk if i'm strong enough for that 🤡#anyway POKEMON MOOTIES ARE YOU LISTENING /lh

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nana2capriccio · 7 months

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[ Kiryu - Watashi Mamire - English Translation ]

己龍 - 私塗レ [Stained by the Self]

JP lyrics: Mitsuki Sakai｜EN translation: mee:3

Note: i KNOOOW i already posted this but that was long enough ago for me to be ashamed of the mistakes. also ik there are a lot of TLs for this already out there, but none of them suit the way i interpreted it (based on being a Buddhist) so i want to toss my coin in the tumblr barrel! no hate to any other TLers, we are probably all wrong but i love seeing different interpretations of the same vague lyrics. more notes at the end~

A thread was hanging there, my thread of salvation

I couldn't see it then,

Yet it swayed there right before my eyes

And with time, it wound up a tangled mess 1

I think to myself, what is salvation, and what would it take to be saved?

And I think to myself, how much would I have to suffer to get there? 2

1: Coop up inside my shell

2: Tune out the voices 3

3: Gently close my eyes 4

"Ahhh, yeah... that feels better."

See, I'm writhing around in vain

But, isn't this better for me?

Again, someone's laughing at me

"Ahhh, yeah... this is what's best."

"This is who I am. Any other way, and I wouldn't be myself."

How much of my potential has been killed off through that thought? 5

To allow even a single person to save me would be to betray myself

To have faced the pain of death head-on is the only way I can claim to have "lived"

4: Reject all who try to help 6

5: Bury my feelings deep inside

6: ...

7: ......

8: .........

9: ............

"Hey, is this actually even better for me?"

Now, that wasn't all

So, figured it out yet?

Just say it out loud now...

"I shall cease to be myself."

Suffering from sacrifice, writhing and groaning in pain 7

Disgusting...Disgusting...Disgusting...Disgusting...Me...

I'd say I'm more "human" than anyone

But still somehow, I'm the only person who can love me

Was it for you? For someone else?

Wrong, not it...

It's always been for "me".

1: literally means "caught in a bind", the string thing is a metaphor for the speaker's growing self-centredness that ends up fully taking over her life. Learning to love herself could've been her salvation, but she was too brash to realise that and ended up too far gone. (i'll be using she/her since the MV for this song shows a woman who is presumably meant to be the speaker)

2: actual translation would be something like "if I started working for it now, how much would I end up suffering?", as in the speaker is aware it's too late for her to save herself

3: lit. "cover my ears(and block the voices)", i just...japanese can convey so much more with 5 words than english can LMAO i tried

4: by the way, these numbered lines seem to be the speaker making a list of things she'd have to start doing if she wanted to repent. every step is phrased in a way that's like "that's too much, no way i'd ever do that".

5: lit. "how much of myself have i killed with that?", again hard to convey exactly what it means in english while still sounding poetic...point is, the speaker realises here that her way of thinking has been damaging ("killing parts of") her

6: lit. "push away any hands held out to me" but i thought that sounded way too yeah-that-was-translated-from-japanese for me

7: worth noting that the word "self sacrifice" used here pretty explicitly refers to the Buddhist practise of forgoing self pleasure for the sake of enlightenment— in my original translation, written without the MV in mind, i took this line and rolled with it to assume the whole song was a Buddhist allegory about past lives ("other selves"). I think differently now, but with that said, the word for "save"/"salvation" here refers specifically to religious salvation, so maybe the speaker grew up in a Buddhist society but can't fathom living in a way that forced her to forgo herself, or maybe I am insane and have written more notes than lyrics at this point.

#kiryu #kiryu band #nana's translations #visual kei #vkei #己龍 #watashi mamire #watashimamire

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radmista · 1 year

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wow, you made me remember reading terabithia in 5th grade. i remember being pretty upset and sad, but i feel like it helped me a lot emotionally. i agree, it's important for kids to explore complicated feelings like grief and mortality safely, instead of sheltering them

I remember reading it in 4th grade, it wasn't a required reading for us but one of the "harder" books my teacher had on a hidden shelf behind her desk that we could ask to borrow and read. I think they must have been from her own collection that she was giving us access to for those more emotional readings.

I wish I remembered exactly how I felt finding out Leslie died. Ik there were bits of story that confused me, and I later reread parts when I was a bit older. I still think it's one of the best books to give kids in this age range precisely for that reason! It's a coming of age sort of story, and I think it's a great book for helping kids experience those emotions (sometimes for the first time) in a safe age appropriate way. Even exploring the concept of mortality is important for children. I feel it's often one of the things parents end up feeling ill equipped to handle precisely because they've kept their child sheltered from the very idea of it.

I was reading more rbs in that thread chain and some people brought up good points that, these books aren't what traumatized them, it was likely their parents or guardians not providing an environment where they could talk about these negative emotions. I feel that's partially the case for some people, and when they grow up, rather than realizing the problem was not having a space to process those feelings, they blame the book.

#anon #bridge to terabithia #i wish i could remember the other books on my teachers collection #i wonder if she was hiding it from the school? she kept them in a closed cabinet/locker & we werent allowed to take them outside the class #one book had a boy and a dog running through a wheatfield or tall grass field idk. the name is escaping me ugh #she also had a book called Toes that i read. it was about a polydactyl cat. interesting read. he does die in the end but of 'old age'#he was still young for a cat (like 7ish) but his mom died when she was 5 and it seems his siblings also died young. smth genetic prob

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letterstomichelangelo · 1 year

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omg is this slik doing another pointless life update???? yeah it is, but now more people will see it.. which is v different to before so ig tw for sh/suicide talk but thats gonna be like, 3rd paragraph or smt so yh

i did my last one of these in november and nothing really has changed, im still obsessed with stranger things and the goldfinch (revival fr), ive stopped editing tho i dont really have the motivation for it anymore :/, still obssessed with spiderman into the spiderverse and arcane (caitvi ml <3).

lost a pretty good friend on my own terms, marie kondo (is that her name?) style, if it sparks joy n whatnot. still not being left alone by them which is extremely annoying and i think i have one thread left hanging on before i tell them to piss off completely.

(tw starts)

nowadays, suicide is always at the back of my mind, just as an open option but i hope im getting better. im still like, 4? 5? months clean from sh so thats always good but i can feel the urges getting worse but im holding off long as possible. went through some traumatic shit in january regarding a friend of mine (they're physically ok, but lets just say i didnt think they were) which we have moved past since.

(tw end)

ive gained quite a few points on the rice purity test (most notably the first one (yeah lame ik but whatevs)) and im feeling contented with my life in terms of experiences, and opportunity. im also trying to practise gratitude a lot, and ive found that a lot of people are quite pessimistic so ive been doing a social experiment, where most days, ill ask someone to name all the bad things that happened to them that day, and id count, and then id add one to however many they named, and ask them to name that many good things (eg. if they named 7 bad things, id make them name 8 good things), i hope its making people feel a bit better :D

currently need to finish some way overdue art hw XD

see you in another 3 months

have a great day <3

^SLik^

#personal shit #slik actually talks about xeir life #never seen before #/j

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ggukkiereads · 3 years

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ik ur on hobi lockdown rn but when u get the chance can u recommend some married bts fics? except the marriage is kind of on the rocks but it works out in the end. lmao this is rlly specific but i’m just craving it

🌷 LOL 😂 Since you're so nice that you noticed my Hobi Lockdown 😁, here are fics I remember with the scenario you mentioned. A lot of these I have yet to re-read so details might be hazy (so if I remember it as a happy ending but it actually isn't, please forgive me 😁). There are also recent fics that I haven't read yet so I probably missed a lot.

Marriage on the Rocks Type of Fics

*updated - I just remembered some fics

Yoongi

I Feel You in my Heart @purpletaecup - ongoing series | divorce au. feat Jungkook | Angst ~ you can subscribe to the fic so you’re notified once there’s an update 🥰

Divorce @xjamlessparkx - completed series [17/17] (read this long time ago but it has a happy ending...I think?)

Cut Me Open @hayjeon - two shot | married au (but falling apart), medical au, surgeon au (spin off of the Jungkook fic Cardiovascular Palpitations) | A, F, S (i included this in the coworker yoongi rec list too!)

Away From You @personasintro - ongoing series [16/?] | divorce au

After the Honeymoon Fades @onherwings - one shot | okay, so they’re not really married but the way their relationship is written, feels like it is. It’s also one of my favorite on-the-verge-of-breaking-up fics and actually the first fic I thought of when I saw your ask 🥰 [author removed the fic on tumblr, added alt link]

Sticky Notes @threeletterslife - one shot | like LDR but they still live together (engaged) and they use sticky notes to communicate 😢

Honeymoon Horrors @/jimlingss - drabble but this is perfect! it’s actually funny too! yet there’s so much longing ugh. someone sent the author an ask what happened after the drabble so please read the follow-up imagine here

Jungkook

Jaded by chasinghorizons (ao3) - marriage tension ugh this is good and realistic. Also check Rain by nijoon

Second Chances @parkhabits - one shot | headed for divorce, estranged~ (I have to say it’s been so long since I’ve read this but I saw a note I made in 2018 with the ff. emojis: 😭😭😭🥰🥰 - so it ended well 😅)

Taking Chances @neonlights92 - one shot | arranged marriage but OC wants to dissolve arrangement | smutty tones 😉

Don’t Leave Me + part 2 @kpopmademyday - two-part drabble | arranged marriage x jerk jungkook ~ okay, I’ve read this a long time ago so I don’t know if there are other drabbles. I just remember JK’s trying to make things work, there’s a park, someone threw water, etc.

Wherever There is You @vinterjeon - one shot | marriage on the rocks | this is the first fic of the author I’ve read and then I binged on their ongoing fics after 🥰🥰

Arranged Marriage @yeontantrash - one shot | gang au, arranged marriage but she keeps trying to leave him. fluffy ending 🥰 |

Thinning Thread @flowerwrites06 - one shot | divorce au | A, S, F (thank you dear author for reuploading this =))

Heartbreak Anniversary @pbandjk - drabble | about to divorce | exes who has to share bed during daughter’s birthday (OC’s parents didn’t know about the breakup)

There’s a Jungkook fic I remember where they’re headed for divorce and OC went back in time to change the situation. It’s unavailable but if it gets reposted I’ll update this 😉.

Seokjin

Fall in Hatred @jimlingss - one shot | marriage au

When the Sea Sleeps @taecalikook - one shot | starting to question their marriage which used to be ‘convenient’ before

We Go to War by seraphicserendipity [AO3] - series [9/9] | socialites, PR stunt marriage (👍)

Taehyung

Love is Not Over @rookiegukie - uhm they’ve been divorced so it’s not exactly a marriage!au but I just want to recommend it lol

One Night Stand @sodoyouknowbts - completed series + drabble (daddy!taehyung 🥰) accidental pregnancy x got married but seems not working out

All This Stigma @army-author - two shot | 14.9k | fwb au, accidental pregnancy, arranged marriage 😭💖 (I love how angsty this is!)

Hoseok

Love Me Again @adoringjjk - one shot | CEO Hoseok

Dalliance @sugaurora - one shot | sort of cheating, but not really? | this is not even angsty, I swear. I read this on AO3 and found out author has tumblr too! You can follow on either platform

Most of my favorite Hoseok fics with this theme have been deleted or it didn’t end well (angsty ending) - if anyone has Hoseok fics to recommend, please feel free to share 🥰

Jimin

The Arrangement @kpoptart216 - series 14/14 | arranged marriage

Of course, Faded Love by jamaisjoons which I probably included in every fic rec list.

There’s another Jimin fic I can’t remember the title of 😭. Like they’re in the middle of divorce proceedings because she thinks he’s cheating on her and Namjoon is OC’s lawyer. It’s angsty then it turned smutty (help! if anyone knows this fic 😥) - UPDATE: I just remembered the fic. It's Gratuitous Redemption by minjoonalist but it's been deleted 😭

Namjoon

Stitches @glassbangtan - one shot | got married early

Mad Passion has similar themes, I think? Not on the verge of breaking up but they need to fix some issues in their marriage.

🥰 Please note that the fics are NOT mine. Please show these authors love by reblogging their fics, giving them feedback, and engaging in any positive interaction you can think of!

🌷 posted: 2021 Feb 19 | updated: 2021 May 16 (added Heartbreak Anniversary JJK)

#🌷 chats #asks #BTS fanfic #bts x reader #bts marriage au #bts divorce au #jungkook x reader #yoongi x reader #taehyung x reader #jimin x reader #hoseok x reader #seokjin x reader #none for namjoon x reader #bts angst #ggukkiereadingcollection #🌙 anon

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reidandweep · 4 years

Text

Dinosaurs and Sharks

Spencer Reid x Reader (female)

A/N- Im going to be doing a couple of imagines on some subjects that I relate to specifically. This is the first one, so I hope you enjoy. Also I made up a lot of the American stuff. So sorry if it isn’t accurate as I am from Britain.

Word Count- 4567 words

Warning- Fluff, Angst, mentions of anxiety and panic attacks.

‘Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.’ - Arthur Somers Roche.

Everyone remembers their first. First kiss. First love. First heartbreak. First time they watched their favourite film or read their favourite book. One first is always clearer than the rest. Every detail so vivid in a person’s mind. For Y/N, it was her first panic attack.

She remembered the feeling of not being able to breath as her lungs constricted around nothing. The gasping for air as her hands began to shake. She was alone and did not know what was happening. Y/N thought she was dying. That this is what death felt like. It took her approximately 38 minutes to calm down her breathing; her face a canvas of dried tears and her hands aching from their clenched position.

As life continued, Y/N found that these moments would happen often. Anything could trigger a panic attack. She had them over miniscule things like using the wrong coloured pen for her notes. But also, over dramatic events in her life, like being employed at the BAU.

It had always been her aspiration to work for the FBI. Y/N would not let anything get in her way of achieving what she had worked so hard for. Choosing not to disclose information about her anxiety to the team, Y/N had successfully kept her anxiety under control at work. Stepping out when she felt overwhelmed, doing her set routine to help slow down her breathing and her heart rate. No anxiety or panic attacks had occurred at work. Until one late Thursday evening, whilst trying to solve a case, it seemed like there was no way out of the oncoming wave that was about to crash over her.

YN sat at her desk, re-reading over the case for what felt like the hundredth time. They had been in Atlanta, Georgia for three days with no luck. Two more lives had been lost, and if they didn’t work fast enough, another would soon be too.

Y/N was alone in the office in which the team had been situated into for the time being. She had volunteered to look over the victimology once more as Rossi and JJ spoke to the families of the two newest victims, and Emily and Morgan went to the second crime scene as Hotch and Spencer surveyed the third.

Cracking her back as she stretched from her crouched position, Y/N looked at the clock on the wall. The team would be back soon, and she could not see anything new. She had to keep looking. As she delved deeper and deeper into the words before her, her eyes glanced between the pages of the file and the clock, Y/N felt the creeping tension in her chest.

“I haven’t got the time for this.”

Y/N banged her fist on the desk as her chest got increasingly tighter. Looking down at her fist, she saw that it was shaking.

As her other hand moved to her chest, Y/N stood up from her chair and paced across the room.

“Not now. Anytime but now!”

Y/N tried to take deep breathes to ease the panic that she felt. She couldn’t help but to glance at the clock. She couldn’t risk the team seeing her like this. Grabbing the file, Y/N dashed out of the room, looking for somewhere where she could calm herself down.

Seeing an open door ahead, Y/N looked inside the room to survey its contents. Noticing no one inside, she quickly shut the door behind her, dropping the file on the table as she continued to pace the room.

“Breathe, Y/N. Breathe.”

She tried. Y/N tried so hard to regulate her breathes but her chest continued to rise and fall at an increasing rate.

The feeling was overwhelming. She hated that she could never control it. No matter how much she tried. The exercises never worked. Her therapist’s advice was useless. She would have to stay in the room until she calmed down; however long it took.

Sliding down against the wall, Y/N threaded her shaking hands through her hair, pulling on the strands as tears flooded from her eyes. Her cries were quiet, but to her they sounded so loud that they echoed in her mind.

As the team walked back into the precinct, they discussed the evidence in which they found from each scene and interview conducted.

“Both parents of the most recent victims state that their daughters did not know each other. They were all from different areas and attended separate universities.”

Emily nodded at Rossi as they continued to walk towards their allocated room.

“The crime scenes both showed signs of a struggle and personal items were missing from both the bedrooms. This time it was a pompom and a baton.”

The team took in Hotch’s words. Emily walked to the door; hand situated over the door handle.

“Were the girls on any cheerleading teams?”

JJ shook her head at Morgan’s question.

“Well let’s just hope that Y/N’s found something that we’ve missed.”

As the door opened, the team looked in confusion to see Y/N nowhere in sight.

“Maybe she went to get a drink. We were gone for a while.”

The team headed into the room, situating themselves across the threshold as they continued to discuss the new evidence. Spencer lingered at the door.

Something felt off. Spencer noticed that Y/N file was nowhere in sight and that her phone was left on the table. She was never without her phone.

“Guys, I’ll be back in a second. I’m just going to go to the bathroom.”

The team all acknowledged Spencer’s words in their own way; too engrossed in the case to notice Spencer’s perplexed look.

Spencer walked down the hall as he thought of where Y/N could be. As he turned the corner, Spencer immediately noticed the picture on the floor; in the middle of the empty hallway. Walking towards the picture, Spencer crouched down to survey its contents. He recognised it as a piece from the victimology report.

Looking down the corridor, he saw multiple more pictures on the ground. Spencer continued to follow their path, picking them up as he passed each one. He soon came to an end when no more pictures were strewn on the carpet.

Beginning to worry, Spencer wondered where Y/N could be. Just as he was about to head back to tell the team, a muffled sound could be heard.

Spencer stared at the door in front of him. It was labelled ‘Interrogation Room 4’. Spencer knew that no one had been brought in for interrogation so far, therefore, the room should be vacant.

Carefully, Spencer moved his hand to grasp the door handle. Opening the door, Spencer quietly walked inside. As he shut the door behind him, Spencer instantly recognised Y/N on the other side of the glass.

His heart broke at the sight of her. Unable to stand by for even a second, Spencer opened the door adjoining the hidden area to the interrogation room.

Y/N jumped from the sound of the opening door. Looking in the direction of the noise, her breathing elevated as she saw who had opened it.

She could not bear for anyone to see her in this way. The team had seen her as anything but strong. She had never cried on a case. Or thrown up or fainted at the sights they had seen. She was able to control the overwhelming feeling that enveloped her until she was alone.

“Y/N…”

“S-Spen-ce, ple-a-ase le-le-leave.”

Y/N struggled to speak as she gasped for air. Her throat dried from her cries and her face wet from the constant tears.

For a miniscule of a second, Spencer contemplates doing as she asked; until he truly looks at her. He had noticed signs of Y/N being anxious in the past, but he had written it down as nerves from being new to the team. He would have never guessed anxiety disorder or panic attacks due to her confidence and lack of breakdowns on the field. They had all cried or walked away from bodies during their first few months; even Hotch had. All except Y/N. Spencer moved to stand in front of Y/N. Crouching down, he reached for her hands in her hair.

Y/N couldn’t help the confusion that showed on her face as she allowed Spencer to grab her hands from her hair and hold them in his own grasp. Spencer hated touching hands. He hated germs. In her short time at the BAU, her hands had never touched his once.

Spencer locked his gaze with Y/N as he began to speak.

“Y/N, is It okay if I help?”

Y/N slowly nodded her head at his question. He had already seen her hyperventilating. She may as well take his help.

Spencer stroked the back of her hands with his thumbs.

“First, can you look at five things in the room and describe them for me?”

Y/N’s hand shook in Spencer’s as her eyes darted around the room as she tried to focus on five objects. There weren’t enough things in the room. Spencer noticed her increasing distress.

Squeezing her hands, Spencer pulled her focus back to him.

“it’s alright. Let’s try this instead. Describe five things about me. Anything you want.”

Y/N’s eyes travelled across Spencer. First, she locked onto his hair.

“Your hair is short-er-er than it was la-las-st week. You’ve had it cut. I Li-ik-ike it.”

Spencer blushed at her compliment; nodding his head at her to continue.

Y/N could already feel her breathing relax. Her hands still shaking as the sweat on her brow and neck continued to cool her burning skin.

“You’re wearing your favour-our-rite tie. You always wear it on days th-th-at you want to be better. You’ve worn it twice since we’ve be-ee-en here.”

Spencer was shocked at how observant she was with him. Of course, she was observant, she was a profiler, but he never thought it would be in his direction.

“You have one purple sock with dinosaurs on and one blue sock with sharks on. Purples my favourite colour and sharks are my favourite animal too, how weird.”

Spencer noticed that Y/N know longer stumbled over her words, her breathing was evening out and she even smiled when she looked at his socks.

“My favourite colour is purple too. I prefer Saurapods specifically in reference to dinosaurs. Sauropods evolved to walk on four legs and typically grew to enormous sizes. They were herbivores and consisted of dinosaurs such as…”

“Brontosaurus, Brachiosaurus, and Diplodocus.”

Spencer was finding out more and more about Y/N in this single moment than he had in her whole time with the team so far. He determined it down to her walls being lowered due to her panic attack.

“Yeah. That’s exactly what I was going to say.”

Y/N couldn’t help a smile grow on her face from the look that Spencer was giving her. Her hands began to shake less as she held his gaze. Unconsciously, matching her breathes to his deeper ones. She was calming down without even realising.

“Two more things.”

Y/N licked her lips; ridding the dryness as she scanned Spencer to describe another detail.

Spencer tried to ignore the gesture, but he could now feel his own hands begin to sweat in her grasp. He shook his head. He was helping her. He had to focus.

“You look like you can play piano. You have the hands for it. They’re large and smooth. A lot bigger than my little hands.”

Spencer chuckled at her words.

“I actually don’t play piano. I wanted to join the band in high school, but I was already picked on for being so young, I didn’t want them to have something else to use against me.”

Y/N squeezed Spencer’s hand.

“I wasn’t in band, but I was the school mascot throughout high school. I got teased relentlessly for it because of what our mascot was.”

“What was it?”

“A pig.”

Spencer looked at Y/N perplexed. Y/N rolled her eyes at his obliviousness. “The boys on the football team would often make fun of my weight. It crippled me for some years, especially because I had to travel with the cheerleaders, who were a lot skinnier than me. I had to be there at all their competitions to show school spirit. Our school would even give me things to help amp up the crowd.”

Spencer grasped Y/N’s hands tighter.

“Like pomspoms?

“Yeah, and megaphones. When the band played, they gave me a baton to twirl and throw in the air.”

Y/N saw the look on Spencer’s face. She knew instantly why he looked so shocked.

“We found items missing from the two newest victims’ rooms. One was a pompom and the other a baton?”

“Did the baton have a specific symbol on the stick?”

Spencer nodded his head.

“The parent’s said it was blue and white with a manatee on the bottom.”

Y/N rushed to her feet pulling Spencer up with her. Dragging him out the door, Spencer ran to keep in toe with Y/N as she explained to him her thoughts.

The team looked on stunned as Y/N and Spencer came bursting through the door; their hands interlocked, and Y/N’s face adorned with tracks of dried tears.

Before they could question what was going on, Y/N began to talk.

“All three of the victims were mascots for their university teams.”

Morgan shook his head.

“The parent’s said that none of their children were part of the cheer team.”

Y/N began to wave her arms as she spoke, unaware of her hand still grasped in Spencer’s as it moved alongside her own as she spoke.

“Being a mascot does not connect you solely to the cheerleading squad. You represent all teams at the school; basketball, baseball, soccer, football etc. Every year, the mascots go with the teams to their state events. It’s like a sports decathlon kind of event where each universities sports team face other universities. Even the mascots compete against one another’s.”

Hotch looked at Y/N inquisitively.

“And how do we know our victims attended this event?”

Y/N looked towards Spencer to answer.

Spencer cleared his throat as he was aware of the flickering gazes between Y/N and Spencer’s interlocked hands and Y/N tear stained face.

“The items taken from the girls’ bedrooms are all ritual items for the Spirit Games. It’s a superstition that if these items are not in the holder’s possession during the games, that they cannot win. Y/N recognised the logo on the baton. The manatee belongs to the State College of Florida. They have been an exception into the games, even though they didn’t qualify the past few years. That was the stick taken out of Alison Cable’s room. Alison attended University of Colorado; whose mascot is Milo the Lynx. Alison would only have the baton with her team mascot on; unless she took another teams.”

Rossi faced Y/N.

“What are the other items that are need for the ritual?”

“So, there’s the baton for band, pompom for cheer, captains arm band for soccer, mouthguard from the quarterback for football, and sweatband from point guard for basketball. If one is taken, then it’s considered bad luck for all the teams of that university.”

JJ turned towards Hotch.

“The pompom that Melissa Druid’s mother described was dark blue. Melissa attended the University of Georgia. Their colour is red.”

Prentiss agreed.

Hotch looked at Y/N.

“Are you positive about this?”

Y/N began to doubt herself. Worrying that she might have overthought it all. Her breathing picked up once again until Spencer squeezed her hand. With his empty hand, he pointed at his hair, then fiddled with his tie, then pulled up his trouser leg to show his unmatched socks. He was helping Y/N stay grounded.

Y/N looked at Spencer in wonder; all she could think at that moment was how special Spencer Reid truly was. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath in and out, calming herself down.

As she opened her eyes, she locked them onto Hotch’s.

“Without a shadow of a doubt.”

Hotch nodded his head in approval.

“Morgan and Prentiss, I need you to go back to the first victims’ home. Re-assess the room and ask if either a mouth guard, sweatband, or arm band has gone missing. Question the parents about the Spirit Games. Rossi and JJ, I need you to look into the alumni on the board of the Spirit Games. Get Garcia to do checks on all potential members who had gone to the State College of Florida; correlate it to our profile. Reid, you’re coming with me. We’re going to the State College of Florida. Y/N may I have a brief word?”

Y/N looked towards Spencer. She knew that Hotch would want to speak to her. There was no way he would ignore her bursting into the room, not only holding onto Spencer for dear life, but also looking as dishevelled as she did.

Letting go of Spencer’s hand, she turned to follow Hotch out of the door. As they stood in the hallway, Y/N couldn’t stay quiet with the anxiety pushing her thoughts out of her mouth.

“Hotch, I know it doesn’t look the best, but I promise that Spencer and I were not fraternising.”

She couldn’t handle the blank stare that Hotch aimed towards her, so she continued to talk.

“When I got the position on the team, I made sure my anxiety was under control. I went to therapy. I learnt techniques and I took steps away when I felt overwhelmed. I made sure not to overwork myself. It was going fine. But this case made it feel like we were getting nowhere. I didn’t want you all coming back to find out I had found nothing new. I began to get anxious and I fled the room before you came in. Spencer found me in one of the interrogation rooms. He helped calm me down from my panic attack. I promise you, that’s all that happened. I will keep it under control.”

Hotch waited for Y/N to finish talking, allowing her to take some breathes.

“We all have things we want to keep to ourselves from the team. Privacy is hard to have in this line of work. I didn’t tell anyone about Hailey and I separating until months after. But something like anxiety needs to be told. We can help you Y/N, you’ve seen that yourself today.”

Y/N nodded her head.

“Coping with anxiety and panic attacks do not make you inept to be a part of this team. Each one of us deal with something that make us believe that were a hinderance. But it’s not and it will never be. So, I know it’s hard, but stop worrying about how the team view you. Your part of the family now and if that means having to take a step away or flagging someone over to help calm a panic attack then by all means do it. But I can say that it seems like the best person helped you today.”

Y/N blushed at Hotch’s words, noticing the ghost of a smile on the man’s face.

“Now go to the room and take a rest. When you feel up to it, join Rossi and JJ with contacting Penelope when looking into the alumni and Spirit Games board. You’ve been a massive help so far, don’t think otherwise.”

Hotch squeezed Y/N’s shoulder as he walked past her to re-enter the room.

She watched as each member filed out to go to their assigned task. Her eyes caught Spencer’s as he left the room. Just as he began to walk towards her, Hotch called Spencer over; insisting that they left straight away.

Y/N mouthed bye to Spencer as he waved back. Their gaze not breaking until he walked out of the precinct.

Heading back into the room, Y/N notice Rossi and JJ in discussion.

“Hey guys, is it alright if I take a quick nap? It’ll only be 10 minutes at most.”

Rossi and JJ smiled towards Y/N. The team having been debriefed slightly by Hotch about what had occurred. She didn’t mind. Like Hotch said, they were family and they were there to help.

Rossi opened his arms as he beckoned Y/N into his embrace. She followed his orders and wrapped her arms around her superior. She smiled as JJ rubbed her arms and leaned her head on hers in comfort.

“Take all the time you need Sleeping Beauty; we will be right here.”

Y/N chuckled at Rossi’s nickname for her.

Releasing herself from the hold, she thanked her two friends as she laid down on the sofa. Shifting to become comfortable, her eyes instantly rolled shut from the fatigue of the emotions that had flooded from her body in the past 45 minutes. It didn’t take long until she was deep in the world of sleep.

Rustling and conversation could be heard as Y/N slipped back into conscious. Her eyes still heavy as she refused to open them for a little longer. She could hear the voices of the team around her.

“Is everything packed and ready to go?”

“Looks like it, just got to wake Sleeping Beauty up and we can head to the jet. What don’t you give her true loves kiss, Prince Charming?”

“Actually, Prince Charming is in affiliation to the story of Cinderella. You mean to refer to Prince Philip from the Disney production. In Sleeping Beauty’s original story, the “hero” is a king who meets a beautiful sleeping princess and decides to rape and impregnate her while she’s sleeping. So, I think I will just awaken her as one usually would.”

Y/N couldn’t help but giggle at Spencer’s rebuttal to Morgan.

“Well, it doesn’t seem like you need to Pretty Boy, because Sleeping Beauty is awake.”

Y/N opened her eyes as she rubbed them excessively to clear her vision. She saw Spencer sat on the edge of the couch, his satchel at his feet. Looking around the room, she noticed all the team’s stuff packed; her bag and coat neatly laid on the table. The only people in the room was her, Spencer and Morgan.

“How long was I asleep for?”

“4 hours, 2 minutes, and 36 seconds from when JJ text us that you had fallen asleep.”

Y/N groaned at the clarification that she had slept so long. By the lucks of the packed-up items, the team had found the unsub.

“I can’t believe I slept through everything. Someone should have awoken me.”

Derek chuckled as he threw his back over his shoulder, grabbing the last two boxes in the room.

“We were going to but Prince Phillip over here went into a ramble about the importance of sleep in relation to dealing with anxiety and stress. Just following the doctor’s orders. Even Hotch was afraid to go against his wishes. We’re leaving in five, so I’ll meet you both downstairs.”

Derek left the room, leaving Y/N and Spencer sitting in baited silence.

Neither knew what to say. They had crossed over into a territory of friendship that neither were expecting. Feelings that weren’t apparent before was now clear to themselves. Y/N had always found Spencer fascinating. Spencer was usually weary of new team members, but he had warmed to Y/N very quickly. He wouldn’t have touched her hands if he hadn’t.

“We better not leave them waiting any longer, or else they’ll think I’ve fallen to sleep again.”

Spencer chuckled at Y/N, following her actions as she grabbed her bag. He walked to the door, waiting for her as she put on her coat. Holding the door open, Spencer gestured for Y/N to leave first, the woman thanking him as he turned off the light behind her.

Luckily, the police station was close to the hanger. As Y/N and Spencer joined the team outside, it took them not even 10 minutes to arrive by car.

As the team boarded the jet, idle conversation flowed between the group. Talks of weekend plans and food that would be ordered when people arrived home.

Y/N stood from her seat by Emily and across from Spencer and Morgan.

“No one look at my cards. I’m going to make a coffee, does anyone want one?”

There was a chorus of no from the group as she walked to make her drink.

Pouring the liquid into her cup, Y/N’s chest suddenly felt tight. Her hands beginning to shake; spilling the hot liquid on her hand. Hissing at the pain, she went into the bathroom to put her hand under cold water. As the pain. In her hand subsided, the one in her chest rose again. She could feel another panic attack happening. The only thought she had was to get to Spencer.

Opening the bathroom door, she felt relief as she noticed that Spencer now sat alone on the sofa, flickering through some paperwork that they would more than likely complete once they got back to Quantico.

Not even thinking, Y/N headed straight for Spencer, startling him as she plopped down beside him.

Y/N took deep breathes, once again matching them with Spencer’s.

Spencer glanced at Y/N as he recognised what she was doing. Not wanting to cause a scene with the team which could elevate Y/N’s anxiety Spencer nonchalantly linked his left hand with Y/N’s right one. Repeating the actions, he had done so in the interrogation room.

“What’s your favourite dinosaur?”

Y/N looked over at Spencer as he asked the question. She watched as he put down the file; giving her his undivided attention. Her eye’s flashed down to his socks as she relayed his question in her head.

“My favourite dinosaur is the Apatosaurus. But my favourite prehistoric creature is the Carcharocles Megalodon.”

Spencer couldn’t help but beam at Y/N’s answer.

“Did you know that even though megalodons and dinosaurs are both extinct, they never coexisted. The dinosaurs died out about 66 million years ago. Megalodons came later. The oldest megalodon fossils are from the Miocene Epoch, which began 23 million years ago.”

Y/N felt the pain in her chest ease as she turned to face Spencer, her hands unconsciously moving to fiddle with the one in his grasp. Spencer tried to keep the colour of his cheeks down as he felt her play with his fingers.

“It makes sense.”

Spencer looked at her in confusion.

“Why?”

Y/N couldn’t help but laugh as she answered.

“Because Megalodons would have ruled during the dinosaur’s existence. The minute they go near the water, bam, Megalodon has its dinner.”

Falling deeper into their conversation, Y/N and Spencer were blissfully unaware of the attention from the team they were receiving.

“They seem to be enjoying each other’s company.”

The team chuckled at JJ’s remark.

“Look closely folks because we’re going to be telling this story at their wedding one day.”

The team looked on, watching as the two profilers interacted.

They may not have known Y/N long, but they had all known Spencer long enough to know that what they were seeing was the beginning of something incredibly special.

‘There is never a time or place for true love. It happens accidentally, in a heartbeat, in a single flashing, throbbing moment.’- Sarah Dessen.

A/N- I will be looking into other subjects in my next imagines so I hope you enjoy. The way I’ve portrayed anxiety and panic attacks is how I have experienced them in ways. I haven’t gone into depths how truly bad I have dealt with them because I’m writing it for the character. So I understand please understand if it doesn’t reflect how you may deal or know someone who deals with anxiety and panic attacks experience it. X

Tagged list- @danielleslegacy

#spencer reid imagines #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #Matthew Gray Gubler #matthew gray gubler imagine #matthew gray gubler imagines #matthew gray gubler x reader #criminal minds imagine #Criminal Minds #criminal minds x reader

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