#... though I'll save those thoughts for the tags I'll be writing when I reblog this to my main as well as posts on this blog! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

alhaithamhabibi · 1 year

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I posted 342 times in 2022

That's 342 more posts than 2021!

47 posts created (14%)

295 posts reblogged (86%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@that-one-pretty-bitch

@jeweledflowers

@rouecentric

@d10nsaint

@sidra-29

I tagged 302 of my posts in 2022

Only 12% of my posts had no tags

#the way to protect the female lead's older brother - 65 posts

#trash of the count's family - 35 posts

#manhwa x reader - 29 posts

#yandere manhwa x reader - 29 posts

#— meena's mutuals - 28 posts

#cale henituse - 23 posts

#trash of the count's family x reader - 18 posts

#alberu crossman - 18 posts

#the villainess is a marionette - 18 posts

#inso's law - 17 posts

Longest Tag: 136 characters

#as for male leads... if they aren't cold to the bone just because and haven't killed the female leads in their past life or in the story

My Top Posts in 2022:

( PART 3!!! i'll admit it's more of a filler chapter with just wedding night details happening. since i cannot write smut to save my life, the content is more indirect rather than explicit. as always, it's unedited so pls ignore my typos and incorrect grammar. hope you enjoy it tho! )

it's universal knowledge that wedding night should be a couple's highlight of their marriage, their union, or luckily enough, their love for each other. it simply meant the couple had finally intimately bonded with each other. and it was usually witnessed by the couple's family, friends, or even their neighbors back then. though that certain tradition has been out of practice nowadays which did soothe your nerves a bit.

if you haven't witnessed your husband killing someone in front of you, perhaps it would've been easier to settle the anxiety knotting in your stomach. those cold crimson eyes, the bloodied sword, and the fear trapping you in one place had certainly given you a lesson to learn and a harsh wake of reality. in which you believed that reliving this life must be been some sort of fantasy and that you truly had gone crazy. but it's not and you really are here.

at the agriche mansion once again. in your personal bathroom, taking a much needed bath before you're escorted to dion's room. after the unannounced beheading, the dark-haired man only dragged you away from the mess and to the personal quarters where he and you will be residing. you had known the nooks and hallways so at least you won't get lost again. but the tightening hold on your wrist had you more concentrated on the pain rather than the gloomy scenery. and your husband, ever so kindly, didn't slow down his walking either before shoving to an open door where the maids were waiting for you.

it's more of a nightmare rather than a dream, you thought to yourself as you leaned your head on the back of the bathtub railings, eyes closed. perhaps you were still slumbering, unwilling to wake up? but then what? will you not wake up in your life again? failing to take your own life even? you would be back in your past life, constantly humiliated and your precious child gone...

quiet footsteps making your way quickly opened your eyes only to see your personal maid along with the two agriche maids trembling slightly before you. the young master believes you were taking too long, one of the maids explained as the others helped you out of the tub and into your attire. which now looked utterly ridiculous as you warily eyed the small piece of fabric. you could only scream at your past self for doing this to you. take that away, you shooed the outfit with a heavy sigh, i might as well wear the robe since clothing will be taken off anyway.

despite their initial protests you, you let the agriche servants out and kept your personal maid, iristyia, with you. all she had to do is make sure you look...desirable, you suppose with the scents, make up and all of that. at very least, you know iristyia wouldn't betray you since you both need up together. in fact, it was her who shared your pain and grief when the mistress appeared. and she was undoubtedly loyal in your last life till she was killed by the agriche monsters. you'll protect her this time. just before you left you whispered something to her and despite the shock on her face, she dutifully agreed. with that, you walked through the doors and stepped into the bedroom.

wedding night is unavoidable, you knew that. it's just that...you hoped it went quickly as possible. at least, you know what to do now as you head straight to the table and sat down on the chair. there was some wine on the table and you hoped to the higher beings it was enough that you would only remember this night as hazy as possible. you have not even glance at dion who has been eyeing you with a predatory graze since you walked into the room. you knew better than to talk right now.

in fact, you decided to take the scenery before you. the beams of moonlight had somehow made it's way in the candlelit room. the open balcony doors let the warm breeze in, gently swaying in the curtains. the rose petals on the bed, where your husband sat, were illuminated by the candles nearby. it was almost romantic the way the room was set in the mood. however, you knew better than to believe that.

so you went to drink instead. one glass filled, the second one filled once more, and then another and another and another until the bottle was nearly empty. till you felt yourself half drunk. your alcohol tolerance wasn't the strongest but it wasn't the weakest at least. and that's good enough for you.

let's get this over with, you mumbled and sauntered, albeit clumsy, up to dion who hadn't even moved from his initial spot in the bed. taking his face into your hands, your lips crashes onto his pale ones. it was just as you remembered it. despite not being with anyone before, he had much experience in this. before you were so shy and nervous, but whatever your lovesick mind created, you were led to believe it was dion who liked you in this way.

littering your neck with aggressive kisses, you know there were gonna be hickies and bruises. fiddling with the robe belt as dion was unable to take out the knot, his only solution was to rip up the robe as he hungrily took in your bare body. as he flipped you beneath him, you could tightening in his pants as it made itself known on your thighs. oh. you forgot to take note of dion's... stamina. quick as you wanted this to be over with, he had other plans it seems as he hastily took off his last piece of clothing.

and those plans took hours as you were certain it was past midnight. your body tired but he never stopped to give you rest. he was always the type to please himself, you thought to yourself as you held on to him. your throat was sore enough from the noises you made before so now you were reduced to the lewd moans and the sharp intakes of gasps that were let out. your poor legs wrapped around dion's waist he kept pounding you relentlessly, you were certain you wouldn't be able to walk properly tomorrow. and your arms holding on to his broad shoulders, to which your delight, you were able to scratch hard enough for him to bleed. petty it was but it gave you enough satisfaction that you made him bleed.

and just when dion thought he finally satisfied himself for the night, you pushed him down and settled right on top of him much to his shock. as you kept moving up and down despite your exhausted state, you found it to be worth it as you kept riding him. perhaps you were too tired to hold it back but you couldn't help but let the tears overflow as you reach closer to your final high. in his sick satisfaction, he reached to place his thumb over your cheek to wipe the tear away. but instead of wiping it, he licked it instead much to your disgust. your tears weren't even worth for him.

just before you could feel the knot come undone for you and him, you cupped his cheek with one hand while supporting yourself with the other hand. your glassy eyes meeting his intrigued crimson ones.

husband, you murmured leaning down for either pair of lips brushing against each other, let this be a reminder that i will never let you go. you'll forever stay within my grasp, unable to escape me.

154 notes - Posted October 17, 2022

( part four!! once again, excuse my typos and grammar. also sorry for the angst in the beginning lolnotsorry )

it was simultaneously quiet and loud at once. and yet you could still hear it. the labored breathing, the erratic beating of the heart, the anxiety twisting in your stomach. it was as if you were frozen in fear once more. but how could you not? when your husband's sword was aimed at his child, your beloved child. specifically, the weapon was aimed at their chest where the heart stayed. and you wanted to move but you just couldn't. ( it was terrifying how dion still had a hold on you even then. )

and you didn't want to believe that your husband would do this. no! he loved them, didn't he? he would never betray you like this, he would never betray his family. but your child terrified expression at their father had grounded you back to reality.

mama, your child wept as their body began to tremble, i'm sorry i couldn't pass the exam and become a true agriche. how badly you wanted to scoop your child into your arms and hold them tightly, telling them it wasn't their fault. that it was yours. you were stupid and naive. it was never their fault. and that you loved them the way they are and that would never change. ( you wished you said those words out loud to your child. why didn't you? )

dion, please, you begged as your voice cracked, this is our child. please don't do this. don't do this to me. if you had to kiss his shoes and deal with that wretched woman just for your child to be safe, you would take it in a heartbeat. but no choices were allowed here. and you knew it. but you had hoped that something that there was something that would make him realize his actions and prevent him from causing harm to one of his own.

but it was stupid to think that he was a man capable of feelings. i do not need weak children, he responded with an empty tone. was that indifference laced with it? but he pulled back his sword and you felt relief wash over you as you began to make your way toward them. how unfortunate it was brief emotion.

his cold red eyes were still unrelenting as they merely glanced at you before piercing the sword through your child's chest and pulling it out. their pained screams mixed along with yours as you rush to them. you held your hand over their chest as you desperately tried to stop the fatal bleeding. you screamed for help but no one came. by then, dion had left you and your child alone in the room. you didn't notice until it was too late. but you focused on your child, unable to do anything but be with them.

you kissed their forehead clumsily and held them so close to you, muttering the words of infinite love for them and that you are here. even as the blood gets on your nightgown and your exposed skin. you never left your child's side. your tears unshed but you refused to cry. you couldn't show that side to them in their last moments.

mama, your child whispered, coughing up some blood that you tried to wipe away, thank you for staying by my side. a lump made its way up to your throat and you couldn't help but let out an agonizing sob. please don't leave me, you thought as you intertwined their fingers with yours. and as you watched the light fade from your child's eyes and closed them for the last time, you were all alone.

it was your maid's voice who snapped you back to reality. for a moment, you had forgotten what had happened yesterday. but the vivid memories came back and you closed your eyes once again. you remembered your purpose in this second life. and you opened your eyes, clear with clarity. retribution for the pain you and your child were out through in this miserable house.

as you reached out to your maid, she gave you the drink that you needed and gulped it down. you will never put your child through that again. no child should ever go through that. ( you hoped that they were happier in their next life, though, with parents who loved and cherished them as parents should. )

as you stood up, you winced at the pain around your lower half and legs and had your maid steady you. you couldn't help but curse at dion for having such strength and stamina to mobilize you like this. you were still naked but you felt no shame for it was only you and your personal maid. you had noticed dion had left the bed long before you woke, as his side of the bed was cold. probably out on a mission or some sort.

besides, this was the perfect time for you to start on your agenda. it may take a while but it will be worth it. and no one should bother you today, right? wrong.

it was only after you finished taking a bath and were in the process of getting ready that the door swung open by a beautiful violet-eyed brunette. your blood ran cold at the sight of her you remembered her face with perfect detail. after all, she was partially responsible for the hardships she put you through.

oh dear, she's quite stunning, she proclaimed loudly, gazing at you as if you were some kind of animal, no wonder she took the first dance with that half brother instead of him. a shame i wasn't there to witness such a sight.

quickly, you bowed down to her, hoping she wouldn't see the anxiety written all over your face. last time you checked, she hadn't barged into your room like this after the wedding night. only an invitation was handed out by one of her maids...and the other tormenting memories associated with your mother-in-law.

you haven't even noticed that she was asking a question until your maid stepped in front of you and answered it. no! you snapped your head up and saw the maniac glint in her eyes as she snapped her fan in front of her. you won't let your maid have the same ending this time.

so you pushed her and yourself out of the way, a brief flash of pain on your cheek as turned your head the other way. you paid no mind to the surprised gasps from the maids and the concerned words of your maid. only that you stood up slowly until your back was straight and your gaze set as steel at the woman before you. her eyes gleamed with such madness and amusement, which had only fueled your determination even more.

i may have entered the black agriche yesterday, your voice is clear and strong unlike your thoughts, but i will not have the people here touch what are mine as they please.

perhaps in the future, you will scold yourself for being such an idiot and making this move, no less at your mother-in-law. but right now, you refuse to be a weak person who's unable to protect your loved ones. ( you couldn't protect your child back then. ) you will not let yourself act as you did before and accept the humiliation for you.

for a moment, you remembered that red-eyed woman's words. the promise of hell that awaits them all. that's right. it doesn't matter how you act anymore. you will be the one to drag them to hell in the end.

my, what a strong character, maria gushed as she took both of your hands with hers much to your shock, though no one can compare to my sierra, you would be just lovely!

and just like that, it disappeared as if she went on talking about her tea parties and meeting the family as she pulled you out of her bedroom. you couldn't help but let yourself be dragged by her, still surprised. well... this wasn't the way you expected this to go but you were able to overcome this.

as your destination grew closer, you could feel the anxiety knot in your stomach. oh, you could deal with her barging in your room but you didn't have time to prep yourself for the tea party. this wasn't going to end well.

the tea party will be much more exciting with you here, my dear, maria giggled as she motioned the servants to open the doors to the garden greenhouse. no, you thought to yourself, this is gonna be a disaster.

172 notes - Posted October 28, 2022

( the continuation... yeah i know ineed a better title. It's mainly unedited and turns out my dialogue needs a little work but i'm excited to improve on it for this series. i do plan to come back in the near future and actually work on it in more detail! so once again, take you for your kind words and encouragement to keep me writing more! )

as the wedding procession began and the rings were exchanged, he still had that rigid face and cold manners. he didn't even look at you. and it disgusted you that you fell in love with him in your past life. there was nothing left to redeem him. and it made it much easier for you.

so you played the dutiful bride during the vows, even as you briefly pecked his lips and looked at the cheerful crowd with a charming smile. you still had some dignity left. and you know dion didn't like what you did base on his subtle expressions.

and as the reception party was held, you could feel all eyes on you and dion. some of his family and yours, coming to congratulate and gush about how you both make such a perfect pair. they may smile now and throw around such pretty words but you knew very that in the end, it was they who contributed to your ending. how revolting, you thought smiling so sweetly as you silently took in their empty praises, i'll certainly look forward to their deaths.

in the corner of your eyes, you noticed the head of the agriche household striding arrogantly towards you and dion. your heart clenched as you remember the words of the patriarch when you begged him to save your son, who was all but dying in your arms. tsk, to think that you stepped into this household foolishly without knowing its rules, he lit up a cigarette with a scowl as you desperately tried to stop the bleeding wounds on your child's body, i could see why he took that woman into his bed. she'll be a better wife than you, giving birth to stronger children worthy of the name agriche than this pathetic excuse of a human.

you forced yourself out of those haunting memories and bowed down as lante stopped in front of you and your husband. he didn't even acknowledge you, not to your and anyone's surprise. with merely just a look shared between both men, they left for the other room and you couldn't help but let out a soft sigh of relief. you need to get used to it but it was rather suffocating in their presence. distinctly, you could the music begin to play.

if you remembered the events correctly, lante was to leave right after his talk with dion. however dion also left you alone without a word to you, leaving you to handle a crowd of hungry predators wanting to devour scandalous gossip.

and if that's what they wanted, you eyed as one of dion's older brothers made his way toward you, you should deliver it well. unlike your last wedding, you will not let yourself be forgotten. you will not be know as dion's neglected wife. let them remember your name since it will be you who will drag them to hell.

you accepted the first dance from his nameless easily forgettable brother, as you took his hand. if it wasn't before, now all eyes are on you. after all, you just ignored the tradition of the husband and wife's first dance by dancing with his brother instead. and it seems the male in front of you also had his agenda as he smirked cockily behind you.

you don't have to turn around to know who it was. especially when it felt like your back was being burned through. hm, you were sure he left around this time, you were puzzled by a certain change, but still, you took advantage of it as you smiled oh so innocently at him as you were twirled around.

it's your fault, husband, you subtly pushed yourself closer to his brother, i'm just returning you the favor. in the past, you loathed the whispers around you. but now, it felt like angels harmonizing beautifully. it's still aimed at you but now you could hear dion's name being dragged out right behind yours. whether it was about another rival in the family or the way he left his wife temporarily only to be snatched up, he'll have to deal with this himself.

and you know dion was certainly fuming internally. he expected a wife who would listen to him and never create a fuss. but you'll never be like that girl again.

finally, the song finished to your relief. just as you were about to leave, your dance partner dared to bring your hand onto his lips. great, now you were gonna have to take an extra long bath after this, you groaned internally, who let men have the audacity to do this? and it happened all too quickly.

the sound of a sword being unsheathed next to you, the blood staining your hands and your wedding dress, and a head rolling away somewhere. distantly, you could hear the guest's fearful screams and someone throwing up the contents of their stomach. it was chaos all around you and yet, you couldn't move an inch. your eyes still staring at the spot your dance partner formerly stood. and now there was merely a headless body.

and the very same man who had just sliced off the head cleanly had only calmly walked over the body, just in front of you. you couldn't look at him as fear forced your body to stay still.

my wife, dion placed his first two fingers on your chin so that you may look up to him. yet even then, you refused to as you looked past his shoulder. your eyes on the ceiling with such an empty gaze, refusing to satisfy him. let this be a warning of the consequences if you keep continuing these sorts of actions.

his words only added gasoline to the burning flames for hatred and revenge.

264 notes - Posted October 14, 2022

credits to @d10nsaint ( literally. she's so creative and will not hesitate to slam you down your problematic faves in front of you <333 )

imagine being dion's wife, loving him even though you know it was hopeless to wish, but in such a lonely household where anyone and everyone can become enemies within seconds you have no choice but to rely on him. as long as he was loyal to you, you gave him your love and utter devotion. even after you had a child with him, it just doubled even more. it was proof that he cared for you to some extent, your optimism explained. he must've loved you in his way and this was his proof. he wasn't raised in a good environment, you noted, but you can help him. if you showed him love, then perhaps he can be healed and love you back.

until that night. you were waiting for him as any obedient wife would. dressed in a robe with nothing underneath. perhaps it's time to give your child another sibling, you couldn't help but think this morning. but the moment he arrived you could see the disheveled clothes, the messy hair, and the way he walked. and oh suddenly you could smell that strange scent on him, no...it was perfume. so strong you couldn't help but cringe. and why...why was there a colored smudge around his neck? his pale lips seem to be redder than before. and that jewel hanging off from his lapel...as of it was taunting you.

you know it deep in your heart but you refused to believe it. you just couldn't and you demanded an explanation of where he was hours ago. but when his crimson eyes stared at you, no...glared at you. so intense, perhaps the most emotion you seen him displayed. so you shut your mouth quickly and headed to bed.

and soon what you thought would be a one-night thing slowly became an every night thing. and everyone knew it. they knew of his mistress especially when he bought her there. and gods, it was utterly humiliating and you became the mockery of the very household. it was breaking you, tearing you down but you were so sure he loved you. so you kept your head high, for your child ( who looked exactly like dion ), and did your best to keep your dwindling reputation up.

till you couldn't. seeing your beloved child die in their father's hands because they were unable to pass the special exam took a toll on your health and you were so very weak. because how could he? how could he do this to his child? you? to their family?

finally, seeing the mistress and dion in your shared bedroom, committing the deed had done it. you grabbed dion's blade and held it against your throat, screaming why didn't he love you? what did you lack? how could he betray you like this? but with his expresionless face, coldly replying that you shouldn't make a scene since you were gonna die anyway. and that last sanity broke loose. you were truly an idiot who could only look through rose tinted glasses. it had already been over, you thought as you slit your lovely throat and swore to never love him again...

so imagine the shock and utter disbelief when you woke up in your family home. and it wasn't any normal day. it was the day your fate was sealed. the day you wed to dion agriche. a part of you wanted to run and never look back. but your child's pleas and crying were still fresh in your memory. your pain and suffering all because of that wretched man. as your maids prepped you up in your luxurious wedding gown, you knew there was only one option you could choose.

you will exact your revenge on dion agriche and bring down that damn household.

( might make a part two?? depends since there's so many routes this can go to! )

441 notes - Posted October 12, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Um, hellooo! I saw you up requests and I wanted to give a try but feel free to reject this. May I ask for a reader who isekai'd in the way to protect the female lead's older brother long before roxana was born. The reader mother is a nanny(do they allow that?? idk) of lante when he was younger so reader and him sorta grew up together. And then when he became the head, he had the reader became his kids nanny/caretaker and as one of his righthand. Pls and ty!

ᴍᴇᴇɴᴀ ɴᴏᴛᴇs : hiii darling! no clue what lante's background was other than he overruled his father so this is my speculation of it. i may or may have not gotten carried away by the reader's backstory that i may or may have not create another post for it 👀 also this somehow became an alternate universe somewhere around the end oops -

part two is here

𝐀𝐆𝐑𝐈𝐂𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐈𝐁𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒 𝐖𝐈𝐓𝐇 𝐈𝐒𝐄𝐊𝐀𝐈'𝐃!𝐍𝐀𝐍𝐍𝐘!𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐄𝐑

❥ so you isekai'd in the way to protect the female lead's older brother's world long before the story started? congratulations! and you even became the daughter of the female lead's father nanny? good luck trying to survive.

❥ somehow, you managed to survive up to your late twenties as LANTE AGRICHE trusted servant and closest confidante. which was shocking, to say the least. but you know deep down, he held some sort of genuine affection for your mother since his mother passed away.

❥ and you two had grown up together despite being in different worlds from each other. even after your mother's death, he kept you around as he killed his father and took the position of the head of agriche. even as he changed for the worse, you remained by his side.

❥ whether it was out of obligation or sincerity, you no longer knew why you stayed beside him. but you know why he wanted you. after all, your mother made her mark on him and so did you. people found it odd that he didn't try to marry you just to keep you by his side since it was more effective. but you both knew better than that.

❥ it was the consequences of your actions, you thought to yourself, as he burned your marriage requests in the fireplace. anything that allowed relationships beyond his family, his household, and especially himself was an absolute no. but that's fine. who needs friendship and love anyway?

❥ besides, as he began to collect his wives and mistresses ( much to your disdain ), you knew the story was gonna start soon. and despite knowing the end for this household, you still wanted to change a few things. and what better way to start as lante made you the official nanny of his children.

❥ FONTAINE was an eight-year-old child when you first met him. to make his father proud. at first, he wasn't quite fond of you as you took most of his father's time but eventually, he liked the maternal affection you gave to him. he felt entitled to have your time. in return, you made sure he kept at least some of his morals growing up. you unfortunately weren't able to stop the rebelliousness growing in him and could only hope he would make wise decisions. ( yes, you made sure to tell him the deficits of incestuous relationships and frightened him enough that he would see his female siblings as competition which is progress at least. )

❥ GRIZELDA was only a toddler when she first approached you about a book you were reading during your time off. you knew she was the only agriche to have magic so the pressure on her was high. when all was against her, you were right by her side to hold her steady. that and you two had bonded over books together. as she was young, it was you who tucked her into bed and told her stories and tales you knew from your past life and current. even as she grew older, she loved hearing interesting stories that came from you. you always made time for her even when you were busy with taking care of lante's work and the children. always reminding you to take care of yourself as well.

❥ ASHIL was only a year old when you met him. sierra was a wonderful and sane woman so you often visited her. ashil reminded you of a golden retriever and you became fond of him instantly. he always asked for your help and was ready to help you if you had any problems. the day you knew ashil failed the exam, you beg to lante to give spare ashil so you may take him as your own. because of your shared past, he reluctantly did so. it was the only way for him to live safely even if it meant taking him from his mother and sister. though the mother-sister duo thanked you profusely. especially as ashil pledged to protect you along with those he considered as his family. even as he grew stronger and older, he kept true to himself.

❥ DION was also a baby when you first carried him in your arms after maria's birth. while she complained about the baby's looks and disappointment, you saw another baby to love and cherish. lante and maria's parenting only got worse so you took matters in your hands and had him stay with you and ashil. he was quite a curious and mischievous boy, always finding trouble to drag his older brother with him. luckily, ashil had infinite patience as an elder sibling and always pulled back dion when necessary. it was also rather cute to see dion and roxana fight over who gets more ashil and your time. the older dion grew, he began to resemble more of his father which worried you. but when he smiled that playful smile at you and his close siblings, the anxiety vanished as you returned the smile.

❥ ROXANA was unsure about you when she first saw you. she hadn't remembered you being mentioned in the novel along with the evident changes. you were an unpredictable variable so she was cautious around you. it took some time but after saving ashil, she viewed you as an angel descended from the heavens to protect them. and she let you into her small circle and her heart. eventually, you told her of your past life which shocked her. so that explains everything! but she felt the comfort of another person in her situation just as she did and swore to protect you as well. despite your warnings, she still went ahead with the butterfly project knowing it could shorten her life. so you made sure to take care of her despite her pouts to relieve your, ashil, and sierra's worries. and cassis came along as the story unfold, he could see how important you were to the children of agriche. you liked to tease roxana and him often after he escaped.

❥ JEREMY was clingy and touch-starved when he first met you as a young child. he had just returned from his brutal class with a harsh wound, unable to hold back his whimpers. you found him there and gathered him into your arms to your room so that you could heal his wounds. his mother didn't even see and he watched her commit suicide with his own eyes as she refused to interact with him. since then, he has been attached to you by the hip. you were his mother. that was what he called you, openly especially since the others addressed you as either aunty or nanny. you were one of the few people who could stop jeremy from his violent tendencies with a word or a touch. he didn't want to scare his mother after all.

❥ CHARLOTTE was easily attached to you as she had a rocky relationship with her mother. you were more of her mother than her mother and she loved it when you praised her. it was a competition again between her and jeremy which gave you enough headaches as you recalled the rivalry between dion and roxana before. history had a way of repeating itself. still, like jeremy, you had a way of calming her down. with her hothead and brash personality, you helped her try to control it so she wouldn't get into any more trouble with lante and her mother. she loves it especially when you call her by her nickname 'lotte' since it was her first nickname she received.

❥ though all the agriche kids were raised as they were, you became their moral support and someone they genuinely care for. it was you who put yourself between lante and themselves when they were punished. and if you couldn't stop it, you always attended to their wounds and stayed with them for the night, as they rest on the couch. how could they not love you?

❥ even lante couldn't do anything as he found it a good reason to keep you in the agriche mansion. which was his biggest mistake. even as his top children began to plot against their father, you also went along with it as their spy. after all, lante was no longer the boy you grew up with and you had to open up your eyes. and if he had to be disposed off so that you could protect the children, so be it.

❥ after the night the agriche household fell, it was you placed the final blow on lante. and you had to witness fontaine demise from cassis's sword, though some small part of you mourned for that eight year old boy you knew long ago. and as roxana's health declined, you sent her to cassis in hopes that there was a possibility she could be healed.

❥ you were named as the matriarch of the black agriche, a title placed by the children you cared for. and quickly enough due to your past experience as lante trusted associate, you began to help raise the agriche from the ground and to a hopeful and brighter future. so you decided to burn agriche mansion to the ground and make it a new and better mansion.

❥ for a future where your children could make better memories in the new home you created for them. even as some of them stayed by your side or went on traveling around, you always made sure that they would have a home to come back to. but to them, you were their home. you accepted all of them as they are and cherished you for it. they would burn the world down if you asked them to.

448 notes - Posted November 4, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #..wow #i knew memento mori series was popular but the nanny!reader was much more popular than i expected...

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autumntouched · 1 year

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Tumblr Crash Course/Welcome

I'm still not over learning some of you joined tumblr because of Talk to Me 😭😍🥹

**Please excuse any terms I use incorrectly and feel free to correct me 🫠 I’m becoming my mom with my slipping grasp of technology 😭 **

Sorry, this site isn't the most intuitive, but I find it much easier as a writer to interact with readers here. I love that people can send me private messages/chats with their thoughts 💗 If you’re new, here's a little TGM fandom tumblr crash course:

First, I love this fandom. The writers are so talented but also incredibly kind. You may see us occasionally have meltdowns around "likes" and interactions, so I'll start there…

There are a lot of things about tumblr that don't make it entirely user friendly, including not having a "save" option for posts that you want to come back to. Enter the "like." On most other social media platforms, a like carries weight. On tumblr, a like can feel ambiguous to a writer because of its dual function as a bookmark

Therefore, generally, the best way to communicate your appreciation for a fic is to reblog it (to raise its visibility) or comment (to let the writer know you read and appreciate their work). If you’re looking at a post, the “reblog” option is the square of arrows. A window will open for you to add a comment and/or gif and/or image and/or Tags. Tags can serve as comments and/or a way for you to organize the the content you’re interacting with (helpful if you want to find it later). Once you post, the reblog appears on your blog for your followers to see

A “comment” can be left with a little speech bubble. Note that a comment goes on the original post, so if the writer is adding to a post that they’re reblogging, you have to tag their blog for them to see it. Apologies, not the clearest explanation, but you’ll get the hang of it!

But not every reader is comfortable with that visibility! Anonymous “asks” are a great way to share a little love. The option to send an “ask” is at the top of a writer’s blog if their asks are “open.” It’s usually a button with some clever way of saying “talk to me.” Lol, which is mine as a nod to Phoenix’s “Talk to me, Bob.” Just dropping a note, a screaming gif, a heart to say “i love your work” means the world. If you’re requesting something, it’s nice to lead with some kind of acknowledgment to the writer. Know that the writer will reshare your thoughts publicly though! So make sure to switch to “anonymous” mode before you start writing so you don’t forget when you post 😊

Also, personally, my messages are always open, and I love hearing from you there too!

That said, even with those varied options, saying anything can be a huge and terrifying stretch for readers, and that’s where I don’t really have an answer 💗 What can I say? When you give up time and important aspects of your life to put words to screen, it helps to know and feel that time is well spent. But I also want this space to feel welcome and open to everyone so demanding that people engage in a certain way, and in any way that is harmful to their well-being, is not conducive to everyone feeling safe and included. A communication work in progress, I guess 😅

I hope you stick around long enough to feel comfortable engaging but if not, I still hope my stories bring you joy 💗 I’ve had to de-prioritize writing quite a bit for the time being but that doesn’t mean I’ve stopped wanting to get to know you all or thinking about you as I’m going about my day or cheering you on when I know you’re going through a tough time or also an amazing time. Life can be pretty rough, so I try to live by the motto “be kind.” I hope you feel that here, and I’m so grateful for the connections I’ve made through our shared love for TGM

#welcome to tumblr #i love your notes #talk to me #or don’t 😂#whatever makes you feel welcome

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ciaossu-imagines · 1 year

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Good morning, my lovely readers! There's just a couple things I want to chatter and rant and rave about before I throw up an answer to the one ask in my box and probably some other posts!

First and foremost is just a friendly, loving reminder that, as I warned everyone for a couple days before the event, when an event happens, the ask box is closed for regular requests! I told ya'll that and asked everyone to throw any asks they had in my box before the event so that this wouldn't make things too hard on anyone while the event was ongoing! I try to make the events really interesting and varied but still generic enough in theming for you all to fit in most of those requests on certain event days!

And guys....please send in event asks. Like, pretty, pretty, pretty, PRETTY please. I don't mean to sound salty but I put a really solid amount of work into planning and making these events for the blog, at least several days of work and I hold them so that I get a full inbox, with a lot of different kinds of requests for different fandoms and different characters. And that leads to me being active on here, because with that variety, I can have a lot of asks to choose between and can always find something I want to write at the moment and can post regularly. Like, honestly, without asks and requests, this blog falls into being abandoned and inactive, so don't think you'll be bothering me or I'll think requests are dumb because they aren't and I love them! But please do follow the rules - if an event day is going on, send in requests for that event day and save the ones that aren't for that event day for either the end day of the event or for when the event is done!

Second and very important!

Just because I view a character one way or write a character one way, it doesn't mean everything I say is 100% the truest, rightest way.

I'm not the writer of the original canon work. I'm simply putting out my views of the characters and having fun writing them how I see them. My views are not canon, though I try to be as close in characterization to canon as I can be. But how I read or interpret a character IS NOT THE ONLY WAY. I noticed this especially with some of the non-event requests I was bombarded with last night on Gokudera...It's completely cool if you think the opposite of me in terms of how he would be with a partner. Both of us can be perfectly right and valid at the same time!! It's the magic of fiction and character interpretation!

And, like, I will try to do my best to answer all requests but if your ask basically boils down to 'I know you have already said exactly what you think would happen in this situation but I think the exact opposite and think he'd be really attention-seeking from a partner and want to spend all this time with them so like, can you write that instead?'

ALTERNATES TO DOING THAT SHIT THAT I HIGHLY ENCOURAGE

Message me! Seriously, send me a dm and be all 'hey, I've been reading your Gokudera stuff (or other character) and I like it but I really don't see Gokudera like that and I love him and really just want someone to talk to about my love for him and all my thoughts about him' because I will be so, so down and happy to do that with anyone! I have people I do that with for a couple fandoms and it saves me from just repeating the same thing on my dash a million times while still letting you get out those feelings!

Make your own post about it! Start your own writing blog! Get your views out there too! Reblog my post and get your opinion out there! Make your own post and tag me in it so that I can read it and talk to you, encourage you, be all 'COOL SHIT; I THINK THIS IS GREAT'. Honestly, almost every single one of my fandoms is super-small and need more people out here talking and gushing about their favourite characters and getting out all these various takes on characters so that all voices are heard!

#admin chatter

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mandala-lore · 1 year

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Summary & some thoughts on "Strong and Weak Emergence" (2006) by David Chalmers

I'm finally getting around to posting summaries & thoughts on the philosophy, AI, & consciousness papers I've been reading lately.

I'll tag each post with the full title, authors' full names, and the tag: "Lore flirts with a PhD" - follow or block at your leisure lmao. I'll post each one under a cut to save everyone's sanity.

The paper I'm discussing is here for free.

Please feel free to comment, ask questions, reblog, correct me if I make errors, etc. If anyone has further reading for me, hit me up!

I wanted to start with Chalmers because I was pleasantly surprised at how accessible and readable his work is, and I appreciate that he doesn't flinch away from difficult questions or admitting his own limitations. He's also funny and (in other papers especially) writes with lots of concrete examples and sensory details, which helps me a lot.

"Strong and Weak Emergence" (2006) covers some differences between two classes of the properties of things. Emergent properties are those which set a thing apart as special in itself. I imagine, for example, a specific tree distinct from the grove around it when we look at a landscape. Chalmers discusses how we might classify properties as weakly or strongly emergent, based on whether we fully understand their connections to other properties/things.

If something is weakly emergent, we can describe its properties and understand the chain of its connectedness while still recognizing its separateness. I can pick out a single thread in a sweater and see how it's woven in, but most of the time I just notice the sweater. Chalmers says we would recognize a computer code as "weakly emergent" if we can't totally expect or predict its results, even though they are completely reliant and deducible from the code itself.

Strong emergence, on the other hand, is when we can prove or understand that something exists without fully recognizing its connectedness or being. Witnessing new phenomena in physics, for example, that we cannot yet explain would be considered strongly emergent.

Weak emergence is less "exciting," perhaps, but vital to learning/understanding. Weak emergence is particularly useful in game theory, evolution, and the development of AI.

The only concrete example Chalmers gives for strong emergence - at least, the only one I recognized as such - was consciousness. There is nothing in our understanding of biology, physics, etc. that explains or necessitates or proves consciousness. Consciousness occurs within the bounds of nature/biology (in our brain) but we don't know why; we can only barely begin to explain how.

-> I'm obsessed with this. This is one of the universe's sexy little mysteries I hope we never fully solve. Because then we'll keep writing beautiful things about it.

There were also some arguments related to quantum mechanics in here that were utterly incomprehensible to me, and I didn't do any further digging. I've tried watching YouTube videos on how consciousness itself seems to collapse the wave function... but I still don't really know what that means. T^T

[Frankly, this stuff starts me down intellectual rabbit holes that are indistinguishable from how I think about magic, spirituality, and mysticism of all varieties, so I try not to dive too deep, lest I lose my ability to reason fairly.]

Something being weakly or strongly emergent is, of course, subjective in many ways. By definition, it would be based on how readily we recognize a Thing independent of its origins or related systems. He ends by gesturing toward emergence as a disparate cluster of varying ideas, hence his need to define types of emergence. -> I've noticed he tackles many problems like these in philosophy, including the "hard problem" of consciousness, which I'll get to in a later post.

I'm sure I skipped piles of nuance here and I've left out most of his clarifications, but this was the gist. I've already found this framework useful when considering consciousness or even just learning to identify plants in my own yard. Without realizing it, I've also used this kind of framework to classify genres, follow directions, and memorize names/faces. It's a fun thing to keep in the back of your mind and dwell on more carefully when you get a minute.

It was nice to start with a (relatively) simple concept - and an approachable, skilled writer. Reading this one and being able to grasp at least the most important parts made me feel a lot more confident and excited for what I tackled next...

#david chalmers #strong and weak emergence #emergence #philosophy #consciousness #philosophy of consciousness #lore flirts with a phd

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kallistcs · 11 months

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knowing your partner well can potentially make writing a lot easier, repost, do not reblog. meet the mun.

— basics

name, Unni pronouns, preference of communication, Prefer IMs first, then Discord if that might be needed! single/taken, Single

— three facts

I unintentionally read the last book of the Belgariad first. For some reason the fifth book was all my mom had? So I read that first... but it's what got me hooked on fantasy and then sci-fi, and it's all been downhill from there!

I've helped transliterate the government meeting protocols of the year 1766 for publishing.

While I definitely learned of Greek myth sometime when I was young, the bulk of it has definitely been since 2020 when I randomly thought about Ganymede and his myth and how much I like Zeus/Ganymede and then decided to devour a lot of the old sources for myth. I started with the Iliad, then read the Theogony and the Bibliotheke.

— experience

Writing-wise for RP (I did do some before that, offline), it'd have been... uh. Gaia Online? Yeah, I think so. Probably right around when it started, in fact? So 2003-ish. Then over AIM and MSN, Livejournal and Dreamwidth and only last year here on Tumblr as well.

— sub-genres

Reading, fantasy and sci-fi. Which is kinda reflected in what fandoms I write in, too! For RP, either of those, fluff, adventure, romance, etc and so on, whatever. I'm not really into horror, though.

— plots vs memes

Either! But I admit, plotting, even if just a little (whether from the start or during), definitely makes things a lot easier!

— long or short replies

98% of the time, long replies. I always feel kinda awkward and like I've not written enough if it's just one or two paragraphs or so. I know I can get a little too wordy sometimes, though ffff

— best time to write

Anytime I've got the time! Though, replies-wise, since I am only on the site and not on the app, if I'm writing during the day (during the work-week that is) I'll probably be writing down some snippet for my current fic(s) that I got inspired for, and save replies for later!

tagged by/stolen from: @fadedpath tagging: if you want to do it!

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eaglefairy · 1 year

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I posted 1,318 times in 2022

That's 137 more posts than 2021!

87 posts created (7%)

1,231 posts reblogged (93%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@phoenixyfriend

@bunjywunjy

@dingdongyouarewrong

@outlaw-unicorn

@chipper-smol

I tagged 1,312 of my posts in 2022

#video - 181 posts

#ace attorney - 129 posts

#art - 101 posts

#tumblr - 91 posts

#pokemon - 79 posts

#xenoposting - 75 posts

#cats - 58 posts

#music - 35 posts

#xenoblade chronicles 3 - 33 posts

#queued - 31 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#sometimes you get murdered in your office. sometimes the god pokemon kidnaps you out of your office and throws you through time and space t

My Top Posts in 2022:

Chapter 5 finale. what the fresh fuck. Back to bullet points because there's a lot to cover here!

LANZ. SENA. ARE WE GOING TO TALK ABOUT THE SUICIDE PLOY. I never thought I'd be thankful for X to appear and yet here we are.

When Mio vanished at the Homecoming I was like "damn they actually killed her" and then when N "killed" Noah I was like "OH SHIT THEY'RE KILLING THEM?!"

When I heard the disembodied voice say "we only need three more months" my immediate first thought was that the party was going to reincarnate at the start of the game, they'd jack a Levnis and/or save Guernica, and we'd resume from there. Tying in to some previous thoughts I had about how the Consuls never really seemed to take the party seriously, making me wonder if all of this has happened before and the reason they aren't worried about the party freeing colonies and stuff is because they already know they'll be defeated

The flashback sequence in the cloudy area (Memory Space lite?) had me well and truly baffled for a while lmao

When Noah pulled out the sword of origin or whatever they're calling it out of the chest of the Ouroboros I literally shrieked "THAT'S A MONADO!!" because it totally is. Look me in the eyes and tell me that's not the exact shape of the Monado II

Also M's ploy with Mio has an extremely Meyneth and Fiora feel to it, at least to me

So Z. I feel like he's...probably not actually Zanza? I don't see how he could be, though I know that 2 already did some retconning to 1 so it's not unthinkable they could do more. But the fact that he's the "creator of this world" and his real name starts with a Z and the fact that Moebius feeds on human souls much like Zanza fed on the Homs as the Bionis makes me extremely suspicious

5 notes - Posted August 17, 2022

There's a lot of things I could say about all of the that that just happened but also there's a bunch of new sidequests that I want to do so instead I'll just say that seeing Eunie say "I'll never understand Moebius even if I live to one hundred" and knowing that the full High Entia lifespan is far longer than that is just...ow

5 notes - Posted August 31, 2022

I was writing up my thoughts on Xenoblade 3 as a whole when I realized that I'd written a mini-essay on why I like the ending and why letting the nations stay together from the start would've been narratively and emotionally unsatisfying. Instead of trying to cram that in with the rest of my thoughts on the game, I figured I'd make it its own post (since this is much more of a meta piece than the rest of my opinions). Spoilers below the cut for the ending!

3 is a heavily thematic game. One of those themes is that even if the future is uncertain, it’s worth fighting for anyways. Noah and the party make that choice, and there are two options for what the narrative can do from there: it can reward them narratively for fighting a fight with an uncertain outcome (making the right choice), or it won’t. They make the right choice, but the narrative doesn’t reward them for it. I hesitate to call the ending of 3 a “punishment” in any sense, but narratively it somewhat is. They make the difficult choice to continue fighting against Z, the Moebius, and the endless now, and the consequence of that is that the worlds separate and they have to leave behind the friends they’ve made form opposite nations. Why would the narrative punish them for making the right choice?

For a second, I’m going to take a tangent here. In her Trope Talk on magical otherworlds, OSP Red discusses some of the pitfalls of escapist stories, one being that a “happy ending” in a portal fantasy where the hero is allowed to leave their boring life in the real world forever can actually depress the audience, because we will never get that same opportunity to literally leave the dissatisfying parts of our lives behind. It’s the same principle here. The narrative could have rewarded the party for making the right choice by giving them a no strings attached happy ending, but that’s not how real life works. In real life, we also don’t know if the future we are moving towards will be better than what we’re living in right now. But unlike in Xenoblade 3, we don’t have the option of grinding to max level and beating the superbosses before moving to the future–that is, we can’t live in the endless now. In a constructed narrative, we expect heroes to be rewarded for their good deeds because that’s a convention of storytelling: good is rewarded, evil is punished. Good people win, and bad people lose. But real life doesn’t work like that, and I believe the impact of the ending on the audience would have been diminished significantly if the uncertain future the Ouroboros were fighting so hard for turned out to be unequivocally good.

The other main theme of the game is about grief, loss, and accepting those things into your life, which is another message the ending conveys supremely well. Just because everything goes back to the moment the world stopped in the beginning doesn’t mean that anything that happened on Aionios doesn’t matter. It all mattered! Just because something ends doesn’t mean it doesn’t have meaning while it’s occurring. That goes for lives, events, relationships, and even worlds. Nothing in this world is permanent, not even the world itself, and to pretend that none of it matters because it doesn’t last–to say that nothing we did on Aionios meant anything just because it’s all been erased and it’s remembered by no one–is to say that the only things that do matter are those that last forever, and that is a road that leads to nothing but grief and regret.

And besides, the game is very clear that they’ll all meet again at some point in the future. Even if Monosoft never elaborates or tells us about the reunion from on high, that does nothing to stop us all from imagining it and writing it ourselves–giving the characters a lifetime of joy, and giving ourselves a path to hope.

6 notes - Posted September 12, 2022

There's still nothing funnier to me than the victim of 3-1 being Doug Swallow, who died with a bottle of poisoned pills in his hand Died of poison? No, he was electrocuted, why would you think he was poisoned?

6 notes - Posted January 23, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Sometimes I remember that during all of the final battle with Volo, the "BATTLE DECIDED" splash screen never appears: not after beating his team, and not after either form of Giratina

20 notes - Posted May 11, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #it is. so funny to me that 'video' is one of my top tags #why do I even do that actually. I think there was a reason once but I forgot #anyway! to another year of hellsite living!

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amoristt · 3 years

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Just a Dare | Nathan Prescott x Reader

@trueloveknifefight asked, Also can I request Nathan asking you out?

here u are! i love writing convos w nathan UGH i adore his character.

as always, replies and reblogs are greatly appreciated1 i check all tags and comments <3

wanna support me for just $3? here's my ko-fi!

The lights were bright, vivid. Almost blinding. They dance LED accents into the reflection of your drink- a dull plastic cup filled to the brim with one part whiskey, zero parts mixer. The taste could bring a tear to your eye but you would be damned to water down such fine alcohol, provided by none other than Nathan Prescott himself.

Music reverberated along the pool rooms walls, laughter and hollers distantly rising with the tempos. Your foot absently tapped to the beat- you were never one for dancing. Never one for parties, either, actually, favoring drinking in the solitude of a small friend group.

If not for Nathan you wouldn't be here at all. Some would say it's a privilege to slip past those heavy doors, entering the dully lit world of the Vortex Club. You mostly just felt like it was all for show. Somehow securing a place among Nathan's friend group, and a good friend at that, it was almost duty to show up. He insisted on it.

So, here you were. Leaning against a wall in a suffocatingly warm, cramped pool room surrounded by a sea of faces you hardly recognized.

That was, until you saw Nathan's face peer through the small break in shifting bodies. You knew him all too well.

Strikingly handsome, equally strikingly pompous. Funny, crude, an absent minded party goer just as much as he was a fireball with racing, incoherent thoughts. A drinker, a druggie. Takes the edge off, he says, but you think he does it to take away his thoughts completely. You felt like his entire life was all edges, never sacred ground.

The poor bastard.

He lures your attention in as he saunters over with squared shoulders, narrowly avoiding spilling his drink when a random student cuts it a little too close. Normally Nathan would make a bigger deal, give him what for, but this time he just shoots the poor kid a menacing glare and grumbles, 'fucking watch it'. He's walking with purpose and intent, you can see it on his face. You must have a target on your forehead as he darts straight over.

When he comes to your side, his own alcohol dripping down the sides of his cup onto his wiry fingers, you raise a brow.

"Something wrong?" You ask, as he takes a spot leaning against the hard wall right next to you.

"Just wondering why you're being so fucking lame over here," He shouts over the music, taking a sip of his drink, grimacing at the taste. "We're all having a good time over at the lounge and you're over here acting like all the other wallflower nobodies."

You roll your eyes with upturning lips. "Maybe I like being a wallflower. I like people watching. I see things no one else does."

"Yeah, okay, fucking weirdo."

"I mean it," You push off the wall and grin. "Look-" You point to a student obviously wasted, drink held high over head while he lets the music take him away. "That guy is clearly trashed- he's having the time of his life. He's gotta be seeing double."

Nathan whistles at his state, taking in the guys goofy smile, half lidded eyes. "I'll bet it's the triplets. I could breathe on him too hard and he'd fall over."

"You should go try it." You tease. He shakes his head and takes another drink.

"Nah, he'll get it himself. Guarantee we'll be dragging him out by his feet by the end of the night." He shrugs. "Or, at least someone will. I sure as fuck ain't staying that long."

You snicker. "What, got a hot date?" Nathan glares at you. "Oh don't tell me," you cup your hands to whisper, a secretive gesture, "homework?"

"Fuck no," He scoffs, and you can just barely see that he's a little more than tipsy now. His pale cheeks dusted with red, the tip of his nose ruby under the harsh lighting. It's also then that you realize he's a little more tense than usual, even despite the drinking. He's standing straight upright, his right hand gripping his cup like a crutch and his left now shoved hastily into his pocket.

He hasn't looked at you dead in the eyes yet.

"So what is it then?" You ask curiously. He shrugs and stares into his cup. You frown. "Bro, are you like, good right now? Do you wanna leave?"

For the first time since he'd wandered over, Nathan looks up at you. His eyes are unreadable, but his composure seems stressed. He shrugs again. Before you can even open your mouth to ask him about his state, he sighs and downs an entire mouthful of burning whiskey. It makes you cringe just watching him.

"Fuck it," He huffs. "Look I got some stupid ass dare to come over here and put the moves on you, okay." He sounds almost annoyed, like it's a hassle for him, or maybe embarrassing. You cross your arms. "I was dared to come over here and try to get you like, to fucking, you know, leave with me, but now that I'm over here I'm starting to think maybe that was a dumbass idea."

"Leave with you?" You say incredulously, a brow already lifting. "You were dared to come over here and try to sleep with me? By our friends?"

"No, no, fuck," Nathan seems agitated now, rushing. "Like a date sorta bullshit. Ask you out." He manages to get it out in almost the worst delivery possible, meanwhile you're just trying to pick out who would put him up to this. Hayden? Victoria?

A laugh forces its way out of you. "Aren't we a little too old for that game?"

Nathan shrugs. "That's what I said but they insisted. Fucking babies. At least make the dare a little more fun than just asking some bitch out. That's like elementary level shit."

Your eyes widen, you scoff. "Excuse me?"

Nathan sputters. "You're not some bitch, I didn't mean to-... Fucks sake, I'm clearly a little drunk right now okay, if you could cut me some fucking slack that'd be awesome."

"Hey man I didn't ask to be a victim of bullying," You tease, and he can't help but laugh. You soften. "Never expected it from you, though of all people. As ironic as that sounds."

"I'm not even bullying you, come on. Don't be a bitch. I even admitted it and everything."

You grin. "Yeah. Gotta say though, I'm a little disappointed."

"Oh what, you wanted to see my moves?" Nathan hums. "You wanted some Prescott action?"

"Shut the hell up." You shove his shoulder, an action that would be a mistake to so many others, but for you, it was welcomed. "I'm disappointed that it was just a dare. I'd probably have said yes if it wasn't. But, oh well."

Nathan doesn't answer for a long moment. First, he stares into his drink, processing. Almost like he hadn't heard that right, or like you were messing with him. It's rare to see Nathan Prescott stunned into a momentary silence. He's thinking, wondering what he should say next. Suspicious that you're just playing with him, hopeful that maybe you aren't.

And, you hadn't been. Truth be told if given the chance you would allow him to take you out for the evening. Show you fancy things, try out something a little more intimate than just laughter and poking fun at classmates together. You enjoyed his presence, looked forward to it at times.

A small part of you had hoped that he felt the same, maybe. Somehow. While grateful that he respected you enough to cut the crap before it even began, you couldn't help but feel a little... Disheartened at the prank. You'd saved your pride by denying him beforehand, but, if it had been genuine...

"So if it wasn't a dare," He began, quietly, barely audible over the booming music overhead. Eyes barely visible in the sea of vibrant lights crashing like waves. "You'd have said yes."

You shrug, trying to play it casual to save your own feelings, just in case. "Probably. I mean, we're already friends. We have fun so it couldn't have been that bad." He nods along to almost every word.

"Well what if we did it anyways." He blurts.

"Did what?"

"Go out tonight. Like, you know ditch this lame ass party and have some real fun."

"You love this lame ass party, and plus," You shake your head in feigned annoyance. "I'm not sleeping with you, Nathan."

He glares at you. "Fucking duh. I'm just saying we can go and hang out somewhere else. This party happens all the fucking time so it's not like we're missing anything."

"But, wouldn't that make me the butt of our friends joke?"

He shrugs. "Fuck em. It was a dumb dare anyways."

"Now it seems like you're trying extra hard to convince me to say yes." You state, and he's frazzled, running lines through his brain to try and save the absolute failure of asking you out. You decide to spare him, take a little leap of faith for yourself. "But, alright. I'm in."

Nathan gapes at you. "You're in?"

"Yeah, why not. I'm not busy right now and if you're not either than," You smile. "Why not. You better wow me though, Prescott. I'm talking a night to remember. Fireworks, dinner by candle light, a serenade. The whole package."

Nathan's eyes light up, but he tries to hide it, rolls those beautiful blues. "Well considering I've had like no fucking time to prepare how about we instead go to the roof and chill out."

You toss the idea around in your head for show. You already knew the answer the moment he asked if you were being serious.

"I mean I guess that would work," You say. "I was looking for fireworks but I suppose that will suffice. Feel free to go tell our buddies their joke may have backfired on them."

Nathan shakes his head. "Nah, don't even bother. They're all drunk and probably don't even remember daring me in the first place."

"Alright then," You push yourself off the wall, feeling your cheeks warm. A flutter takes wing in the base of your chest, your heart picking up just a little faster. You can't stop the smile that graces you as you say, "Lead the way, Prescott."

Nathan does lead the way. He takes your hand into his own, your fingers tracing over his boney knuckles as he drags you through the sea of bodies, out to the school hall and up winding stairs.

You giggle like a child when he struggles to find the correct key on the janitors ring he'd snatched weeks ago just in case, tease him when he almost spills his drink all over himself. Nathan's hands are almost shaking, but you chalk it up to the alcohol. You chalk everything up to the alcohol- his trembling fingers, his red face, a shy, albeit goofy smile resting upon his lovely, angular face.

The night was cool and crisp, a stark contrast to the smoldering heat of the Vortex Party.

He looks amazing out under the stars, and underneath the scope of the vast, black sky dotted with trillions of perfect, twinkling lights, you feel at peace.

Looking at him, you feel like this may be the start of something you'd denied yourself the chance of ever even imagining.

Out there, alone but together, hearing the echoes of music mixed with the livelihood of crickets in the darkness...

it truly was a night to remember.

-----------

Days later, you sit atop your desk, feet tapping rhythmically on your chair, typing away at your phone.

"Love the top," A familiar voice pipes, and you glace up to find Victoria standing before you, books pressed to her chest. She takes in your shirt, a nicely fitted long sleeve with a rather low cut v-neck. "Why haven't I see that one before?"

You shrug and set your phone down. "Never got around to wearing it I guess. Not a big fan of V-necks."

"It fits you," She sets her books down at the table beside you and brushes a hand through her hair, making sure every strand is in line. "I'll have to get one myself."

"You know what, you can have it after today," You say, and she perks up in disbelief. "As a thank you for what happened at the party."

That disbelief soon turned to confusion. "...Meaning?"

"Y'know, making Nathan ask me out. He made a whole huge deal about it- said you guys were drinking and playing Truth or Dare of all things. Gotta say, I was a little surprised."

Victoria's brows knit. "We hardly drank at that party, and I wouldn't be caught dead playing Truth or Dare. That game is for kids."

It almost knocks the wind out of you.

They hadn't even been playing in the first place.

As the teacher walks into the room, the first period bell blaring annoyingly over the speakers, you climb off your desk and prepare for the day, hardly able to contain yourself. It hadn't been a dare, after all.

And, you and Nathan's official second date was merely a day away.

#nathan prescott #life is strange #imagine #lis

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respectable-username · 3 years

Text

So, uh, I guess I should do one of those intro pinned post thingies? Well, here it is.

Who am I?

Hi! I'm Respectable Username. You can call me Res for short. I mostly post about Hermitcraft and Hermitcraft-adjacent things, but will also reblog other funnies or interesting things.

What do I do?

IRL, I'm a software engineer. In the fan-o-sphere though, I mostly enjoy writing and character analysing stuff. Writing I've done on Tumblr is tagged with `#res writes`.

Asks open

Ask me about anything really. Or alternatively, give me a prompt and I might just get inspired to throw out a scene/one-shot from it!

Latest bit of writing

The Weirdest Reflection - Etho and Bdubs swap outfits. That's it. Fluffy Last Life one-shot.

It Glows in the Dark - A mysterious item appears in the world. What is it, and why is it there? Multichapter mystery/action/angst?/I don't know how genres work starring 18 Hermits.

Here There Be Monsters - Grian is a completely normal human, living in a completely normal, human world. Or at least, that's what he thought before the creature attacked him. Multichapter, Urban Fantasy AU, MCYT crossover (but mostly Hermitcraft focused).

Streaming

I've started streaming some modded Minecraft over on Twitch. At the time of writing, I mostly play TechnodeFirmaCraft, a survival-based modpack. If you wanna come along and say hi, my channel is respectable_username.

Important Tags

If I'm talking about IRL stuff or about a project I'm working on that's not released, I'll tag as `#res rambles`.

If I'm writing a scene or some character analysis on Tumblr (as opposed to just linking to AO3), I'll use `#res writes`.

If I post/reblog anything shippy (rarely, but it does happen occasionally), I will tag as `#hermitshipping`.

Uh, so do you Hermitship?

Yeah I know I'm complete trash but I try to keep it off the main blog. Look, I can't help which characters my brain decides to lock on to and right now yes it is a pair of Hermits. But only their characters, not the real-life people. And again, if I do feel the need to post, it will be tagged so you can avoid it.

You keep mentioning a big writing project?

This writing project is "It Glows in the Dark" and I'm slowly releasing it now! All posts related to it post-release are tagged with "#IGITD fic". My Word doc is at almost 30,000 words now and I still have a way to go, making this by _far_ the most writing I've done on any singular project for any reason ever. I'm really proud of it please go read it and I'll love you forever.

Other fandoms?

The other big, long-running fandom participations from the past have been Doctor Who and the MCU. I've also fallen through other fandoms over time, including in the last few years She-Ra (2018), Good Omens, and Attack on Titan.

And of course I was historically part of the Sherlock (BBC) and Merlin fandoms back in the day, although never got into Supernatural.

So, what's up with the username?

Uh, well, I'd been trying for a few years to move away from my old username that I used everywhere. I'd come up with that name in 2006, and very little created in 2006 is fit for purpose in 2021! I'd been struggling to come up with something new though, so I mostly just used the old username or my "professional" username.

But then came the time when I wanted to update my username on Twitch so I could try catching some of the Hermits' livestreams and join the chat and I didn't want the embarrassing old username. So I changed it, trying a few different options, none of which were available, and eventually in my frustration just put in respectable_username and saved. I almost immediately regretted it, but Twitch wouldn't let me change back for 60 days, so got stuck with it for the time being.

But then I actually caught a Hermit's stream live (one of Tango's Among Us sessions with the Friday Night Crew) and chatted in the chat and about 3 separate people complimented the username! So I decided to keep it and make it my new username that I used around the place. Still haven't updated most websites yet though.

As I think of more things, I'll add them.

#res rambles

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whumpiary · 3 years

Note

cw: unkind family member made a comment trying to justify some horrible stuff

So this might be a big dumb ™ question, but I'm really not great with words out loud when I'm under a lot of emotion. It's why I'm a writer, I think; I write out my responses so much better than I could ever say them.

Someone in my family over their holiday visit spied on me reading a whump prompt, and after they quickly skimmed it, they made the most offhand, hurtful comment. I feel like a loser because I had 0 idea how to respond to it because my brain does a massive freeze response and locks completely up.

They said, "Oh, so you're fetishizing abuse now? Makes it perfectly cool then, I guess, to do _____ to someone."

I was so angry, all I could do was stumble out "No, that's not--no," and had to just leave and cry in the next room until they left. I wanted to explain that no; whump is something that helps me. I just...I didn't know what to say, or how to properly describe whump, and I almost want to reach out and explain it to them, but they're unfortunately the type of family member to side with all the wrong types of people. They're always saying something like this, it's just never been directly to me.

I think my question is, do you or a fellow whump writer have advice for how I might explain this to someone in the future, if not that particular person, that that's not what this is doing? That that's not what my fellow writers are doing? Because honestly, I've never been in a more supportive community than this, I love how whole I feel here, but I'm just struggling so much with not only the right way to explain it, but the guts to say it out loud.

I'm so sorry to bother you. I look up to you a lot. It's hard being in a trauma headspace a lot and formulating responses under pressure for me personally. Ughhhh. I'm asking anonymously because I'm too scared I'll be put on blast or something for 'not speaking up'. But thank you for reading. I support you and your work, and the entire whump community's work, so much. I hope everything's going well ♥️ You all really do inspire me.

This isn’t a dumb question at all. Thanks for writing me.

Cards on the table, it’s late in my time zone (Happy New Year, in fact!) so I may reblog again in the morning with more thoughts but it felt important to answer you tonight.

I see you and I hear you and I am sending you so much love. What your family member did was really shitty. (First, spying on something seemingly without your consent? Asshole move. Second, making you feel shit about something you like? Asshole love. Third, making you feel shit about something you made? Big asshole move.) I’m sorry you had to experience that.

First up: There’s nothing wrong with you for liking whump. There’s nothing wrong with you for reading it. There’s nothing wrong with you for writing it.

Liking and producing whump content doesn’t mean you condone abuse, and it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. You’re okay.

You’re also not a loser for not being able to rattle off a perfectly reasoned response in a moment of confrontation. That shit is hard, even when you’re not running on trauma software. You’re not a failure or dumb for not having an answer for them. You’re just a human. Especially on a topic as complex as whump.

I don’t think anyone would “put you on blast” for not speaking up. We’ve all been there, whether on the topic of whump or not. Anyone who’s telling you that you need to be a champion defender of whump at all times is just as much of an asshole as your family member in my opinion. You need to look after you first.

Whump is more prolific than we acknowledge or people recognise sometimes, in my opinion. It’s very easy for people to watch a movie or read a book and know the creators aren’t condoning what they’re depicting, but people seem to find it more difficult when they know the artists personally (like your family member knows you, for example). Something that I do sometimes is make references to things that are well known. Like:

“Saving Private Ryan depicts war and I don’t think they’re glorifying war. It’s a way to explore different parts of humanity and I think that’s interesting”

“[insert TV show here] has a lot heavy themes as a way of exploring character and relationships. That’s what I’m doing here.”

“Horror movies depict violence and gore all the time and they’re rarely fetishising things. It’s a way to get people to face and explore their fears and anxieties in safe, entertaining ways.”

You can also check out the “defining whump” tag for some really great community commentary on the subject.

Here’s the other thing, though: You also just straight up don’t have to justify yourself. You can just shrug and ignore them. Their opinion, and I know this maybe doesn’t feel true, straight up doesn’t matter.

If your family member is anything like some of mine, they likely won’t be convinced to your side. I don’t know your family member, so maybe I’m wrong, but it sounds to me like they were wanting to pick a fight, not have a discussion with you. In which case, even a million well thought out points and arguments won’t help. They’re just in this to make you feel crappy. In those situations, sometimes it’s best to just say “that’s your opinion, I just gave a different view” and step away from the convo.

You know why you like whump. You know why you read it. You know why you write it. You know what you enjoy about it. You know you don’t condone abuse or violence. That’s all that matters. You don’t need a moral high ground to find joy or benefit in something. It’s all good.

I know this is easier said than done, but remind yourself of the community you love and the content you enjoy and let the comments be water off a ducks back. We’ve got you. We get you. Forget about the folks that don’t. They’ve got their plate full of their own shit and clearly don’t have the space for empathy right now.

We love you. We are you. You’re all good, mate.

Anyone who has some words of wisdom or love to send is welcome and encouraged to pile onto this post. I think Anon needs it.

(P.S I hope you get around to posting that prompt! If it prompted such a reaction from someone reading it, I bet it’s a doozy. I’d love to see it and I bet the rest of the community would too)

#whump community #whump discourse #defining whump #answered #anonymous #long post

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retphienix · 3 years

Text

It's been 6 years :)

On March 30th, 2015 I decided I wanted a gaming side blog. (so we're early, but shush, it's the month for me)

I didn't know what I'd use it for exactly, but I had ideas- something I always have even if most of them only get as far as daydreamin' or writing out before closing them :P

For proof on the lack of direction the blog initially had- the March 30th date is the anniversary of my first post, an in-depth and lengthy review of Dragon Warrior Monsters for the GBC.

If you know the blog then you know "Extremely long and in-depth reviews" aren't the norm around here. As a matter of fact, that first post is the ONLY one I've done!

The closest I've come to ever repeating that would be the (word of the day) Directionless video I put out on Hades to get a grip on the concept of making videos, but that wasn't nearly as much of a 'review' as that first post is.

Tangent, definitely planning on trying my hand at videos some more for the foreseeable future. Probably not gonna use the tagline Full Impressions that I tossed as a whim for the Hades video but yeah- I'm excited to try my hand at a few videos :) tangent over.

It didn't take me long to come up with what I'd like to do for the blog though :)

A few months later I liveblogged a challenge run of FFT where I used only Ramza- a solo run. - Which maybe only happened because I tried a nuzlocke run a year prior on my main account-

(Nuzlocke | FFT challenge run)

Thanks to that haphazard liveblog experiment I started to realize a couple things which became the primary motivators behind this blog.

1) I LOVE sharing experiences. No brainer, I'm sure, but being able to share my experiences, and compare them with others' experiences, and just that mutual sharing is uplifting and feels good to do.

2) Liveblogging is an EXCEPTIONAL motivator to buckle down and play all those games I said I'd play (cue everyone laughing because I'm still way behind and have an immeasurable backlog).

But I mean that, on both respects. I have plenty of motivators toward the blog today, but if I were to be concise it's pretty much "It's easier to beat games if I liveblog them- otherwise I get distracted and play other games" and "I love sharing experiences and thoughts with people about my favorite thing- games."

Since 2015 I've tackled around 70 games as full playthroughs, and an untold ton as one offs or just to ramble about for a bit.

I've had a lot of highlights over the years, and I don't talk much about it as an overall experience so I thought for the anniversary I'd try to do just that. Not everything- I can't say I have photographic memory that would bring all of it up without prompting after all :P But whatever comes to mind as I browse some of my old stuff- as well as some thoughts on what I'd like to see in the future.

It's gonna be a bit self-centric I assume as I type this preamble to it, so let me say outright that this blog wouldn't be half of what it is without all the people who've given it the time of day over the years.

From recommending games they love or appreciate, to comparing thoughts, to offering kind words for analysis I've done over the years, to pointing out when I'm dumb and misread a situation :P- to, yes, even the people who decided "Fuck this guy's ramble" and deleted my captions before reblogging my gifs way back during Hamtaro (Of COURSE I remember that! It's amusing lol).

This is better because of others, because of the interactions and the people I've gotten the chance to chat with or befriend. It's just a liveblog more or less, my own little bit of fun I toss out for myself if for anyone- so seeing others enjoy this or that from the work I put into sharing my experiences or thoughts is always a joy in itself :)

Anyway, onto selfishly rambling about some tidbits of the past :)

Also sorry but no, opted to not shove a ton of photos in, it does have a handful of links to old posts though :P

This'll be disorganized as heck as I'll add to it over time before I feel it's worth posting (or the tumblr post editor becomes a hassle and more or less forces me to).

First~

FFT Solo Ramza Challenge: Considering it was roughly the first thing this blog has done, it's also something that's stuck in my head a lot more clearly than most of the other stuff I've done to be honest lol.

In truth, this is partially because FFT is my favorite game, bar none. But it's also because the whole experience was pretty new to me. Prior to it I had really only done one self-imposed-challenge that wasn't requested by the game in some manner and that was a nuzlocke run of Blue version.

So adding a challenge to my favorite game was a fantastic experience!

Notes I just wanted to say today about that run: If anyone enjoys FFT I honestly recommend giving it a shot for the unique story it lends itself to. I do recommend skipping the rules until after the second battle but that's up to YOU to decide.

My first post on the subject is me complaining about spending 4 hours grinding out the second fight and, despite hyperbole being my natural state, that was NOT hyperbole.

It DID take 60~ restarts to beat. It DID take 4 hours. The reason is that that 2nd battle is RNG as HECK, you HAVE to have Delita do some meaningful actions, you HAVE to have the enemies miss and make poor plays, you damn near HAVE to crit a few instances to save yourself from taking too much damage.

It's a numbers game to the extreme, so I wouldn't fault anyone for 'cheating' and skipping the 2nd fight for the ruleset lol.

The memory that stands out the most for that run is actually isolated in a post in which Ramza (Purrick in this run) talks like a total badass as just ONE DUDE running into a room full of enemies. I just think on that as a great encapsulated view of what it was like. The run started off face grindingly difficult, but because FFT is a game that offers so much freedom to the player it was extremely easy to 'break' the game into making Purrick overpowered as hell.

That's something I love about some tactical RPGs, I love having the ability to play smart so that I can play stupid later on, and breaking the game into making him one shot god is certainly a good payoff for playing smart early on :P

RetQuick: I miss RetQuick, it was primarily a short experiment I did in 2015 where I'd play a game for a short span of time (REALLY short, like 10-20 minutes) and record that for the purpose of making gifs and saying a short piece on what I thought.

It's one of those formats where the purpose was pretty shallow- but had a reason. I wanted to try making some gifs with some tools that existed online, so I made an excuse to do just that.

I also wanted to play a TON of games, usually through emulation on my sister's PSP, and this let me do that.

These two minor goals came together and so I spent a while making RetQuicks which were honestly more fun to make than they had any right to be. I mean the gifs were tedious but the playing? The thought sharing? The end product ocassionally having more appeal than just a photoset? It was fun.

I'm thinking whenever I have trouble picking a game for the blog I'll revisit the format... sorta.

I already reused it for a short stint to show clips I had no plan on expanding into a playthrough, but that died as well as it was too similar to Tidbits posts (another tag I no longer really use).

My thought is to rebrand retquick as something of a tryout for what game comes next. Play a handful of my backlog games for an hour or so each and say some thoughts before saying which one I'll continue as the main game for that period of time.

Old Tag Stuff: One of those things that only sticks to me since I made the decisions but it's always funny for me to look back on my old posts because I was apprehensive as hell toward making my posts visible. The reason my early playthroughs on the My-Tags page are variants of Ret instead of just "The name of the game so people can find this post" is because I felt like a liveblog would just spam the tag to hell-

Something I don't remotely feel bad for doing anymore.

So I avoided getting any sort of spotlight for quite a while on the blog for little reason.

Why Retphienix?: This is just a dumb thought I wanted to share and I'm sure I've said before.

It stands for retro!

Yeah!

Ain't that dumb and also not a real shorthand? lol

I think I have some sort of deer in headlights anxiety towards naming things, I mean do you think I think Full Impressions is a good summation for a video? I don't. But perhaps that's overshadowed by the other inexperiences and anxiety driven decisions that had- doesn't matter.

Retphienix is Retphienix because I sat there in 2015 and thought "Well... what do I name an alt account?"

My main is Redphienix, which yes, is ALSO a terrible name AND is misspelled. But it's that because of sentimental reasons. As a kid I misspelled Redphoenix when making my gamertag (I knew how to spell Phoenix back then as well, I was too excited about xbox live and misspelled it) and it's become something of a sentimental misspelling.

So I wanted to make a mix on that for my game blog, but I had no idea what. In the end I thought "RetroPhienix? I don't know. Retphienix is closer to Redphienix. I'll do that" and so it was done.

And just like how Redphienix is both bad and misspelled but exists because of sentimental reasons- Retphienix has acquired the same 'flavor' in my eye lol.

Aspirations for the blog: I have no immediate ramp up plans or road map or whatever, and in truth I'll be happy if the blog stays just as it is forever- up until tumblr ends- I cry over lost posts- and I reopen it on another platform.

But I do have blurry half-considered daydreams that I'd like to see happen for the blog through some hard work or shifts on my part.

One is something I'm already doing kinda, hence my embarrassing means of bringing it up a lot lately. Videos- I want those. I wanna make some looks back on series people don't talk about that I enjoy, I want to make videos sharing my thoughts on games I beat for the blog (like what full impressions kinda was, but I don't think they'll have a unified name from here on out). Maybe retrospectives, but mostly when I think of making a video tied to retphienix or me in general it's me looking at a game that said something to me, and saying it louder with my own interpretations on it.

You know the kind, videos where they talk about a video game but not the whole thing- just a singular message they really heard loud and clear from it intentionally or not. I dig those and I know I end a lot of games having plenty to say that could be directed into such a format.

We'll see.

And I'm along for the ride on that one as well- currently I'm keeping my eyes on whatever is directly next, which happens to be "I plan on playing Omori, if it clicks as something to talk about I would like to take a shot at that in a video too!"

The other is that I'd like to build a small community. Wouldn't know the first thing on doing that in a modern sense, but just a little online friend group to chat with and play games together. Something that could open up multiplayer and coop experiences being better shared on the blog and would just in general expand my gaming to what it used to be back on the 360 when I had a large group to play with.

Since the 360 era ended I've pretty much closed off- stopped playing competitive games due to lack of interest- and slowed down to playing all games either solo, with randoms (and no mic usually), or with my cousin. It's a rare instance when I play with some good people like @gamesception or another friend of mine, John.

When I diverted from playing competitive games nonstop toward other genres I didn't intend to also cut out all my online gaming buds, it just kinda happened, and I never really put any effort into rectifying that.

So more or less I'd like to one day sit down and work on a discord server, and then buck up and put the leg work in to make some gamin' buds again, but that's such a vague concept anymore.

Sounds all sad and what not but it's more ambivalent, I made decisions that

changed how gaming worked for me after the 360 and this is just where it landed for better and worse- I'd just like to see if I can make it a little better :P

General things I think when I think retphienix: Honestly? I think of how much fun I've had over the years and how thankful I am to have had an outlet that encouraged me to explore more of the medium.

I REALLY love games. I went to college for games, I've written LEAGUES about games, I've played countless games, my childhood was games, my adult life is games- games games games yada yada yada.

So when I think of retphienix I think of how without it I probably wouldn't have explored a lot of the corners of gaming that I have.

I genuinely, and I mean this, might not have sat down and beaten FF7 for myself and would have considered the amount I played as a kid to be enough.

I might not have played Chrono Trigger yet, and I KNOW I wouldn't have played Chrono Cross, and I'm happy as hell to have played both of those. CT was a mind blowing moment for me that showed me just how good an RPG can be, and CC gave me miles to think of in terms of innovating an RPG and how beholden to the narrative a sequel should be (I don't feel CC should have been chrono at all lol).

I DEFINITELY wouldn't have given New Vegas another chance. And I know I'm a sourpuss on NV, I've been that way since I maxed my achievements on the 360 for it, but replaying it really did reveal to me how exceedingly negative I was being.

My memories had become "It's brown and a boring location >:(" and "The factions all suck and it doesn't do anything with the idea of bad factions >:(" and became "It's... a little brown guys, not a big fan of the area" and "They didn't do enough with exploring the gray factions" while adding "Wait. This is pretty damn fun. And 90% of the additions are stellar. And I forgot about Dead Money, my favorite dlc in any game ever with a story that tears at my heart every time I think of it, NV good actually?"

Faxanadu would have remained a cool game I saw on SSFF and not a game I played to the end and fell in love with the aesthetic feel it has!

Also that's a game I cheated like crazy on lol, I would do it again! Save state scumming games meant to be rudely difficult is only fair :P

I probably would have never sat down to play through Windwaker which was such a positive and uplifting experience that I now get the most relaxed and warm feeling in my heart when I see those blue waves.

There's so many experiences I would have left on the table in favor of like... putting more hours into a live service title or something.

Maybe, and no offense to my cousin or anyone else playing it, but maybe I'd be no-lifing World of Warcraft nonstop just stagnating my interest toward the skinner box mechanics of an MMO?

Some offense, actually but lightheartedly lol.

But beyond the entire games I've played for the blog, when I think retphienix I picture all the time making gifs, all those games I played on the PSP for short stints, buying a retron 5 to add to what I could explore and being stoked when they shipped a freebie box of old controllers to go with it, getting angry at the retron for being a Piece Of Shit lol, crying at the end of damn near every game with an emotional story because I'm a big emotional mess of a person who finds investing and crying at a story way too easy thanks to empathy pulls, oh!-

Getting excited whenever I found that I had a "*controversial*" opinion that no one would care about lol. Like the one that comes to mind is that I thoroughly believe that Dragon Ball Z II: Gekishin Freeza!! for the NES is WAY better than the fandom recognized and appreciated sequel/remake Dragon Ball Z: Legend of the Super Saiyan!

How many people do you hear talking about either game, let alone saying the NES game that is roughly half of the SNES remake is the better one :P But I stand by that! The SNES one is a remake of DBZ1 and 2 for the NES but it loses all the charm and some of the fun of the NES ones by being a lackluster SNES game!

lol

I admitted wholeheartedly that this post would be a lit-

little directionless (gotta love the new tumblr poster making me break sentences like that), but to sum things up.

It's been 6 years. It's been an untold amount of work to be honest- liveblogging a game, at least for me, hasn't been the easiest thing. It's a lot of thinking out my thoughts (heh), it's a lot of learning tools to make the capturing process possible, it's a lot of experimenting, it's a lot of writing and editing, and, well, sometimes it's just tough.

I mean I went to school for coding, not video editing, not writing, not image processing, not this or that- but this hobby has introduced a lot of things even if only at a VERY base level (I admit fully to using online alternatives to make gifs for instance).

I learned a lot about, well, a lot of things in order to use this blog to learn more about games- and all that work has become part of why I've loved all 6 years of this blog.

6 years of gaming, work, and you all- and it's been worth the investment :) Here's to many more and all of you whether you stumble upon this post or not- literally anyone who's interacted in these 6 years, thank you, and anyone who hasn't I offer you well wishes as well.

#Retphienix #gaming #video games #gaming liveblog

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stateofgrace1303 · 5 years

Text

My chronic illness, how it started.

*Can you guys please reblog and/or tag Taylor?? I really want her to read

this. I want this to get to her and I'll take any help I can get. I rarely ask this but it'd mean to world to me. I wanna get my story

out there (even if this is only a part of the entire story. The rest I

might post sometime if you guys want me too. I think I did include

everything I wanted to for now though). Just thank you all so much!!! I

love you all ❤*

(Im really sorry about how long this is. Its like a little novel. Plus I'm

OCD and tend to talk/rant until it feels just right... I just wanted to

share it with all of you, since its something I would've shared on TSL,

even though it'd probably be too long for there... But I wanted to share it

here because most of those swifties can be found on tumblr, and I want you

all to hear this... Maybe it'll even get to Taylor too. But please read if

you can. It'd mean a lot to me. Also I tried writing this but then it got

deleted when I tried posting it, so hopefully this one posts (I ended up trying to post this ALL DAY. I'm so glad it's finally up).)

Hey Swifties! So, I thought I would post this because its something I'd

post on TSL if it was still around, as I shared pretty much my whole life

on there, and I always found swifties very easy to talk to (plus you're all

just the nicest people)! So, I wanted to share this on here since most

swifties can be found on tumblr. I'm sure i talked a little bit about this

on tsl (my user was stateofgrace1303, same as on here and ig) but I wanted

to tell you guys more, especially because its getting so much more intense

now and like I said I've always found swifties very easy to talk to you.

Basically, when I was 12, my dad took me to see the RED tour at Gillette

Stadium. We had gone to see the Speak Now tour there and I had been

completely wonderstruck (no pun intended) by Taylor that night. I was 10 at

the speak now tour and had idolized Taylor since I was 6 and she put out

TOMG (and I was known as the Taylor Swift girl by now at my school). So

even though I was 10 I asked my dad, if I save up the money will you take

me to see her when she comes again? And he said yes. About 2 weeks before

the show, I had saved up enough. He didn't think i could do it, but I did.

So, I got tickets and we went to the tour. But when I was walking towards

the stadium (we had parked in a lot right down the street), my vision

became weird, almost like tunnel vision although nothing was turning black

around the edges of my vision. My feet looked very far away from me.

Suddenly, a rush of dizziness came over me and instinctively i grabbed onto

my dads arm to keep from falling down. He asked if I was okay and I could

barely get out words for some reason. I was starting to sweat and we

thought maybe i was dehydrated, so we got into the stadium as quickly as

possible. I was gripping onto everything around me to keep from falling,

but eventually we got into the stadium and I got some water. We had seats

on the field, so that's where I was, drinking some water when suddenly I

was pretty sure I was going to throw up. It was starting to get super

uncomfortable so my dad brought my to the first aid, which was actually

right at the enterance on the field. So when we went in there my dad told

them what was going on and they all looked at me weird and said "people

never get sick. We usually treat bee stings and allergic reactions. We

almost never have people get sick" which actually surprised me. But, they

took me back and laid me down. Almost immediately I started puking. The

nurse I had actually had just had a baby and had some anti nausea

medication on her. So, she gave me that but it didn't work. And I just got

worse. My dad went to find me something to eat so I'd have something in my

stomach. He came back with some chips and iced/frozen lemonade but I threw

up every time. I was so dizzy at this point I was gripping onto the bed

they had me on and puking my guts out, as well as sweating a lot. After a

while, as it only got worse, they actually thought I might have had food

posioning and asked what I ate. But there they noticed something. I was

completely white. Like white as a ghost. Except for my lips, which were

turning blue. And I was struggling to breathe. They wanted to take me to

Boston Childrens and my dad asked if I wanted to, but it was Taylor. I

couldn't miss it. So I said no for that reason. But actually, everyone at

the stadium was trying to get me tickets for the show the next night as she

was playing two nights. Security guards, the nurses, my dads girlfriend...

But nobody could get tickets in the end which was okay. But later my dad

went and for a list of everybody's set times. I had been in first aid for

about an hour at this point. He came back with the list and said "I promise

I will not let you miss them" he said and pointed to Ed Sheerans name, then

Taylor, since I was a huge Ed fan as well. He knew I probably wouldn't be

able to stay, but even seeing them for a minute would've been perfect to

me. Another hour had passed, and I was still there in the same condition.

It was terrifying, and they were really pushing me to go to the hospital

(they wanted to call an ambulance because they actually thought something

very bad might happen if they didn't). But I keep pushing that off because

I wanted to see Taylor and Ed so badly. But, 2 hours I had been there in

the same condition, puking up everything, completely white with blue lips,

struggling to breathe, so dizzy I couldn't even sit up. It was starting to

get painful honestly. So, I suddenly just burst out crying. I was just a 12

year old who wanted to see my idol, and I got this... This weird sickness,

and got stuck in first aid. In so much pain. I didn't even really

understand what was happening. I had always been a sick kid. Always getting

colds and infections. In fact, I almost died as a baby from a problem with

my kidneys, and had become septic. Its a miracle I lived. But I had never

experienced anything like this... And to experience it when I was just

trying to see my idol? When it was only my second concert ever? It crushed

me tbh. My dad asked what was wrong and I finally said the words I had been

avoiding all night... "I wanna go home" (which was actually his

girlfriend's house who lived in Boston... I'm from Maine). And he said

"okay". That was all he needed and he left, walking back towards where we

left the car. However, around 7:30ish the traffic in this area is really

weird I cant even explain it. But traffic can only go one way, instead of

both ways like normal.. So he couldn't get a ride back to the car and had

to walk, and then drive the car in traffic all the way to the stadium to

pick me up. So i had to wait a while, and while I did I heard clapping and

then a British voice say "hello Boston" and he started playing give me

love. I listened to him play and i only cried more because I was so

frustrated I couldn't go out there to see him. About half way through the

set, my dad showed up. They let him park in a no parking zone to come and

get me so he was right next to the enterance to the field. They were going

to put me in a wheelchair, but instead my dad came and helped me up. He was

holding me up straight and almost dragged me out of the first aid station,

into the stadium. I remember this part so well. The air hit me, I heard

Ed's voice clearly and saw him on stage, and suddenly, I let go of my dad,

and I was able to stand on my own... And I was fine. It was like a miracle.

I yelled to my dad over the music "is it too late to stay?" And he screamed

back "what??? After all that you wanna stay???" And I said yes, so, we

stayed. He went to go move the car (the girl was so nice who did the

parking, he told her the story, and he just needs to park the car and het

back in the stadium, how much would it cost. And the girl said park

wherever you want no charge. I thought that was seriously the sweetest

thing.) Sooo he did that, and since I was only 12 in a huge stadium, one of

the cops that was patroling the place stayed with me and asked me all kinds

of questions about Ed Sheeran, especially about the A-Team, when he played

it. He said "this isn't his song right?? Is this a cover?? I know this

song." And I told him it wad and told him all about it. It was the ideal

conversation for 12 year old me 😂 Anyway, my dad came back, we got to our

seats, and I actually met Andrea for a very brief moment! And before I knew

it, Taylor was playing. And I had made it through the entire show. I woke

up the next morning, still feeling a little sick but actually felt better

after eating, so I thought the worst was over. But, I was wrong... I didn't

know that one night would become my life... And god I wish I had gone to

the hospital... Maybe I would be okay now if I had... But anyway... A month

later (in August), it happened at my friends end of summer party. Then a

month later (in September), while I was at school... Each time worse than

the time before. Everyone had been informed I was having issues, but nobody

had seen anything happen yet. I seemed like myself. Then one day, I was on

my way to lunch with my friends, and I collapsed in the hallway... Same

thing happening. All my friends freaked out and 2 stayed with me while the

rest went to get the nurse. She actually thought I was dying, and honestly

I could've. She called my mom and said she wasn't sure if she should call

my mom or an ambulance. Then my mom came and got me and immedaitly took me

to my doctor (because she said next time it happens to come in so they

could monitor me). I was monitored and fell asleep, then 4 hours later i

woke up like nothing happened. After that i was pulled out of school and

constantly at the doctor. And I just got sicker and sicker... Which was

later diagnosed as... "Anxiety". By an unqualified doctor. He was a thyroid

doctor and diagnosed me with that?? As time went on, I got incredibly sick

to the point I can't even move. I have become completely disabled and lose

control of my body a lot. It's like my brain is disconnected from my body.

And I get this weird feeling im falling off a cliff and I cant feel my arms

and when that happens, I cant move at all. I cant even express how bad it

can get, how scary and painful it is. I'm a lot sicker than most people

think I am... I spend most days in bed, actually unable to move. I find

ways to keep my spirits up, luckily. Mostly its listening to Taylor and

watching friends but yeah 😂 I have days where I can't even sit up I'm so

dizzy and weak and it hurts so much. Its also terrifying when you don't

have full control over your own body. Absoultely terrifying. Although I

have okay days where I can stand up and function for a little bit, most

days lately have been like this... Bad and living from my bed due to

weakness and dizziness (extreme dizziness honestly). I have days where its

even a struggle to breathe, the most simple thing in the world. It gets

depressing at times... When you spend all ur time in bed or a wheelchair it

really can vet discouraging... But I'm still fighting. And I'm so happy I

am. And like I said, Taylor always lifts me up. Even on my worst, most

disabled and bed ridden days. Oh, that reminds me... I also have seizures

now, sadly. But I hadn't had what happened that night at the RED tour in a

while though... Until one night last year... While I was seeing Ed Sheeran

in Gillette Stadium 😂 Maybe its him?? I dont know 😂 Anyway, I spend most

days in bed, and I do online schooling now. I've seen Taylor twice since

then. For 1989 and for reputation. With 1989 I needed a lot of help but I

got through it. Reputation, it had gotten so bad I needed a wheelchair and

I still do whenever I go out, really. I dont have full control over my body

and I'm too weak and just very sick. I'm really hoping to go to lover fest

but if i do will need a wheelchair and even then I'll probably still feel

sick... But Taylors worth it ❤ Hopefully can get ada seating like with rep.

Wanted to keep this last part short but I think I failed 😂 Mainly wanted

to focus on the red tour. My health story is so incredibly long, I couldn't

say it all (maybe I will later). However, for now, I will tell you this, I

was diagnosed with a thyroid disease, migraines, and seizures. Then it was

discovered that all of this... Was advanced Lyme Disease... And it created

something called Dysautonomia (basically a disfunction of the autonomic

nervous system, which most people don't even realize they have, or how

important it is, until it makes you sick and either nearly kills or

cripples you... Depending on the kind though.) Also known as POTS, or

Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (there are actually 15 kids of

dysautonomia, that being one of them, I might possibly have more than one

kinda, were not sure yet. But its basically half cardiology half

neurology). And there's no cure... I could be this way, this disabled and

sick for a while... But there are treatments that might work luckily!!!

Since there are no Dysautonomia clinics in Maine, I either have to go to

New York, Baltimore, Cleveland, or Minneapolis. So looks like im taking a

trip! Sadly to a hospital, but still 😊 I honestly don't know how we'll pay

for it, but I need it, or I will spend my life like this. So I'm sure we'll

find a way... Like I always seem to do in life, no matter what 😊❤ Oh, and

funny thing is, I have something called PANS as well... So I have Pots and

Pans 😂😂😂 Anyway, I just wanted to share this with you guys because like

I said you guys are always so great and Taylor is my favorite artist so I

wanted to share it with the people who understand my love for her. I've

been a huge fan of her for 13 years (I'm 18, 19 next month, now). Theres

something about her... She's always helped me but especially now. She makes

me so happy and feel so safe during this time... Im fact, the only time i

smile like i did when I was younger,before all of this, is when I listen to

Taylor. I even have a Long Live tattoo on my wrist because I felt it

represented my love for her the most, and what we've made as a fandom, the

magic we've created. Plus, it reminds me that I'm fighting my battle (this

"dragon") with Taylor and her music on my side, as well as all of you. And

it makes me smile. I can't wait to get more Taylor tattoos... Honestly,

after all of this and the other health issues I faced as a baby and a

child, I can't believe I'm still here, that I'm still living... Especially

because since I've always been so sick with so many different illnesses and

health issues to the point I'm disabled, my immune system is so weak. I

truly cannot believe I'm still here. But... I guess my body just isn't

ready to give up. It hasn't yet at least!!! And it doesn't want to. It

won't. I'm strong. Me, and my body, want to fight until the very end. And

I'm grateful for that. So grateful that I am still alive, and still

fighting every day of my life. It might be hard, and I can't function or do

really anything but lay in bed and watch tv most days, but I'm just so

thankful that I'm still alive, that it's okay I have to be at the doctors

so much and have to take all these meds (I do anything at this point that

can help me even the slighest). And no matter what life throws at my

health, my body always fights it and gets right back up. I fall down 10

times, I stand up 11. And I could not have the courage and strength to do

this if it wasn't for my idol, Taylor Swift. I've been a fan of Taylor for

13 years (I'm 18 now, 19 next month) so her and her music have helped me

through every problem I have ever faced, and this is no different. She has

a song for everything, so I can always find something to listen to that

makes me feel like she understands and she's telling me it'll be okay...

And ever since LOVER came out, I've been listening to soon you'll get

better on days its really bad, and my girlfriend sends me that song on bad

days too... It makes me feel safe. And like I can fight this. Thank you,

Taylor. I will never be able to repay you. I may struggle with this every

single day im here on earth, but with your music and the support I feel

from the swiftie fam, I know I'll get through it. Anyway... I guess I

should end this here. Again, sorry this is so long but if you read this

thank you so much for taking the time to!! If you made it to this point,

I'm proud 😂❤ And it means the world to me, you have no idea. Im hoping

this will get to Taylor and maybe even Ed one day. I love you all so much

and once again, thank you for reading!! ❤❤❤

@taylorswift @taylornation 🌈❤ @taylornotices 💜

(Pic is from when I was in First Aid at Ed Sheeran. It was so bad there

they had to give me an IV. I was in the first aid station, wrapped up in my

nightmare before Christmas blanket, on a stretcher with an IV in my hand

pretty much the entire night. It was so painful. When I arrived to first

aid I was actually unresponsive. Like I knew what was happening but I

couldn't talk or open my eyes. All I could do was make very small

movements. It felt like my body was shutting down. I was having bad heart issues as well and they wanted to give me a medicine fot my nausea but since I had lyme disease it could make my heart issues worse so they had to give me an EKG... Right there at the concert 😂 Interesting... But, I got through it.

Like always 😊 So yeah thats where the

picture is from ❤)

#taylurking #taylorswift #taylorstans #taylornation #red #redtour #edsheeran #lymedisease #dysautonomia #taylorlurking #i love you taylor #tay #usertaylornotices #tswift

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