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mysticheathenn · 25 days

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Messages of Self-Care

Hi, Hexlings!

This pick-a-card reading is all about what kind of self-care you need right now in your life, etc.

This is a general reading, remember to take what resonates and leave what does not. This reading does not supplement your need to seek professional help. Tarot should be used as entertainment and not a for sure answer to your problems but as a guide, a sense of hope, and amusement.

Take your time when choosing your pile. Ask yourself the question and choose the picture that you can’t stop looking at. Listen to your intuition.

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Next Up: What's Your Fairytale Love Story? (Patreon, This Week)

Pile l:

What Kind of Self-Care Do You Need Right Now? Tarot: 2 of Wands, 5 of Pentacles, 3 of Pentacles (reversed), 4 of Swords, 6 of Pentacles

Balance & Courage. Right now in your life, you are lacking balance. This could be in any area of your life but for most of you, there is a misalignment with your finances as you have 3 pentacle cards establishing that this reading is specifically finance-focused. There is a mix in this pile as some of you may possibly have issues with spending money because the way you spend money is a coping mechanism of a way that you can remain in control of your life or feel better when things are going wrong. Others of you finances are tight because of your job not paying enough for you to survive but there are some of you that are being paid enough you just suck at budgeting. The remainder of you are giving away your money to others way too much when they are in need without holding people accountable in paying you back because you don't want "drama." Either way, you are looking for a break financially so you can rest and not stress every second of the day about not having enough money to pay for things you need in order to survive or have a roof over your head. This message of self-care is your cue for most of you who have ideas of plans to do better than what you are doing to chase after those ideas and goals. Now is a better time than never. I am hearing if you start now in implementing your ideas/goals withing 6-8 months you should see some sort of return that will look like the 10 of Cups/Pentacles. Last message for this group has to deal with your mentality around money. I may suggest looking into LOA (law of attraction), Neville Goddard, and other teachings in dealing with your mentality around money if you are a part of the spiritual community (Tumblr has a lot of resources). Others who are religious...pray to your spirit team and god to help move you in the direction or remove things not needed in order to bring in your financial break.

Extra Messages: Similar to how you choose a card. Close your eyes, take a deep breathe, open them, and whatever word stands out to you meditate on that word for a message to come through for you. Too many messages for me to type out.

Freedom, Beauty, Commitment, & Forgiveness

Pile ll:

What Kind of Self-Care Do You Need Right Now? Tarot: The Star (reversed), 8 of Wands, The Moon, 5 of Cups, Knight of Pentacles (reversed)

Release. Healing. Self -Love. There are many messages for you here pile ll. Some of you are dealing with depression, grief, or some sort of emotional loss because you are either have to let go of something or someone who isn't good for you or you are not happy with your current life right now. Others of you are lacking between self-love and self-care. You are not taking care of yourselves but this is more so in a self-love kind of way. You are talking down to yourself and hiding in the shadows not wanting people to see you. I was about to continue that sentence but then I caught myself and realized I was about to list the signs of depression (not a doctor only going off from experience and what I was medically diagnosed). Those who resonate with being unhappy with your life you are unhappy because you are not taking the steps that you are needing to take in order to get to where you want to be. Some of you want your manifestations, wants, and desires to land in your lap and that's not going to happen. You need to put in some sort of work. The wild thing is you know what you need to do and for some of you the thing is simple but you are overthinking it. For others of you the thing is scary and you hate the unknown and fear failure. For those who are dealing with self-esteem issues and insecurities, you is kind. You is beautiful/handsome/a cutie/etc. You is amazing. You need to be your own hype man. Find something that you like and hype yourself up from there and don't tell me you don't have one thing you like about yourself. It can be something as small as you like your left toe. Start there and build yourself up. If you are still stubborn and refuse to see one good thing about yourself ask someone you trust what is one thing they like about you. Don't demean it or cast it assign take the compliment and build off of that.

Passion, Dreams, Protection, Transformation.

Pile lll:

What Kind of Self-Care Do You Need Right Now? Tarot: 3 of Wands (reversed), The Empress, 8 of Swords, 6 of Swords (reversed)

Stuck Energy. Some of you may have kind of been drawn to pile ll but not fully as this message kind of relates to some of that message but not fully. What I am saying is this pile's cards are straight forward when they tell me that you are dimming your light and also not wanting to let go of the old you for the new you because of XYZ reason. Some of you are holding yourself hostage in the same place mentally because either the people around you continuously keep triggering the old you or because you don't want to let go of those around you so you refuse to grow. Overall you are dimming your light to let other people shine and to hold yourself complacent and that's not ...that's not it my love. You are meant to shine bright in the light not hold yourself prisoner to the same song over and over again as if this is looney tunes hell. For those who have seen the original SpaceJam remember when Micahel Jordan agreed to stay stuck in the cartoon world if he lost and he would do the same thing over and over again (lose to basketball, sign autographs, do humiliating things, etc) that is your current energy right now. Break from the prison chains and see yourself for who you are. Step into your most authentic self and be dammed who doesn't like it. Be dammed with who all you lose. Remember that whatever you lose you gain back 10x forward. You lose your friends okay so what better friends who will align more with you are on the way. Don't be too uncomfortable with the idea of shining that you hold yourself so far back that you miss out on life. Not just life but YOUR MOST ABUNDANT LIFE. Sorry for the all caps I just need that for dramatics and to emphasize how much you need to shine your inner light to the world. Someone needs your inner light and now. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's that one family member you thought hated you but doesn't. Who knows either way shine baby shine.

WillPower, Talent, Good Luck, Clarity, Happiness, Peace, Answers.

Pile lV:

What Kind of Self-Care Do You Need Right Now? Tarot: Ace of Swords, 4 of Pentacles, Ace of Cups, 2 of Swords, 9 of Wands (reversed)

Pile lV you remind me of the meme where people make fun of moms and wives when they ask for help and it's not fast enough for you so you do it yourself then complain about having to do everything yourself even though help is right there. I'm getting the sense you don't ask for anything, but for some strange reason end up shocked when you get exactly that.....all for what?? To not be a bother, to be a "cool/easy girl/boy/person". I had a friend like you once...she would complain about something in her life and when I or a solution would come about she would be blind to the shit and get nothing done, just complain because it's easier than doing the work. It's easier than bothering someone. Some of you just like to have a struggle story because you think life hands out I struggled and concurred trophies. Why is that pile lv? Why do you refuse help? Why do you pride yourself in struggling when all you want is peace? Make it make sense...please. I'm not going to lie though for some of you I fall into this trap also of not allowing help because I know I will get it right the first time instead of leaving it up to the possibility of someone messing things up. But even so, there comes a time in your life when you need to ease up and let in help. Let in ease. Let in Peace. Let in this emotional and even mental fulfillment you are seeking. You can't bring that when you are constantly controlling things. I'm getting a specific message for a few of you asking god/universe/etc for help and when you get the help you go.."no not that kind of help" Beggars can't be choosers, my love. You have to give some type of way in order to achieve what your end goal is in life. Whatever that is for you..there are to many of you with different messages so take what resonates and leave what does not.

Manifestation, Protection, Commitment, Lighten Your Load, Freedom, Good Luck, Financial Health.

Thank you for liking and reblogging my readings. I always appreciate you guys on here and on Patreon.

Stay safe and be blessed

#spirituality #tarot reading #witchblr #tarotcommunity #tarotblr #pick a card #tarot cards #pac tarot #pick a pile #pac reading #pick a photo #pick an image

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chaestats · 9 months

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Insecurity drabble w Hyunjin from SKZ!

Request by: anon

Warnings: mentions of ed!!!!!

Ask: "can you make like a drabble for hyunjin with a fem!s/o that has an ed pls? i got diagnosed a month ago, and lord there's literally no one in my life to help me 😨 so it'd be nice if you could do that"

A/n: before we get into it I'd like to say that I don't typically do this kind of content, but I am trying to expand my writings! thank you so much for requesting, love! I don't usually put a/n's but I really hope things get better. hope this helps!!!

Hyunjin, your boyfriend of six months, has been absent for a couple of weeks now. He's been incredibly busy with his new comeback and he appreciated so much how understanding you are. That's one of the reasons he loved you. For you.

You checked the clock, 23:48pm. You let a sigh of frustration as you sat at your shared apartment. Normally, at this time you'd be at bed, asleep. However this past month has been taking a toll on you, really. You never really had really good eating habits, per say but last month you were diagnosed with Ed. Of course, you never told your boyfriend. I mean, why would you want to stress him even more... he's already got so much to think about.

All you could bring yourself to eat today was an apple. And you felt so disgusted...just the thought of eating by itself scared you in a way? You didn't know exactly either, but if you could go for the rest of eternity without eating...you would.

You couldn't stop thinking about it. Just why, why, why did you have to eat this apple...? Why can't you stop thinking about it? Why can't you bring yourself to eat even if you're hungry? Why?

Your thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a key at your front door. You quickly grabbed a tissue from the table and sat down on the couch attempting to brush away the tears that spilled just seconds ago.

"Love? You're still awake?" On any other day, the sound of your boyfriend's honey-like voice would have made butterflies run around in your stomach. But not today, not now. He couldn't see you like this.

"Y-yeah, I was just going to bed actually." You rushed out of the room, and in confusion Hyunjin put his jacket away and went into your shared bedroom just to find you laying down on the bed, with your back turned at him.

"Y/n? Can we...um talk for a minute?"

"Not now Hyun... I'm really tired"

"No Y/n. Now." At that he sat next to you on the bed just to see your puffy eyes, still visible in the dark.

"Baby don't tell me you've been crying??" He quickly touched your face looking at you filled with concern.

"No, I'm just tired, baby. And I'm sure you're too. Let's just talk tomorrow, please?"

"Y/n no. Look, you've been incredibly distant and uhm...I really don't know how to bring this up...but it has been on my mind since this morning... can you explain what this is?" He opened your drawer and took out doctor's note, that had written down a few drugs for...appetite stimulation? Is that what he thinks it is?

You looked at him in shock and snatched the paper away.

"Did you go through my stuff?"

"Baby it's not the time for this now. This is serious. I've seen how thin you've been getting. Just...tell me the truth Y/n."

You looked at him, tears spilling once again. Oh, how were you supposed to explain?

"What, no don't cry!Baby calm down... I'm here, yeah? Everything is alright. It's all alright, nothing that you say is impossible to overcome. Nothing."

"I-I got diagnosed with Ed. I know I should have told you and everything bu-"

You got cut off by Hyunjin taking your hands in his, making you stand up.

"Listen here. You're the most amazing thing to ever happen to me. And I-....I really don't want to lose you...not like this...." Tears threatened to spill as he continued "I can't ever let you treat yourself like this...you deserve better."

"Hyun... everything is just fine... I'm dealing with everything perfectly"

It was almost as if you didn't even believe yourself.

"No the fuck you're not! Please, baby. Promise me we'll do this together. That you won't do this all alone..."

"B-but your comeback and your fans and-"

"Y/n nothing will ever be as important as you are. Let me help you. Let me be there. I can't stand seeing you like this...baby please..."

"O-okay..."

You really didn't know what to say. How could you get so lucky? If he couldn't have gotten more perfect then sure he did just now.

He kissed you passionately as you felt his hands cradle up your waist. It was a small gesture, really. But you loved it so much. It showed how caring, how pure his love is.

"I'm here now. You won't ever have to go through this alone."

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mulderscully · 10 months

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thank you so much everyone who helped me i'm so grateful. this whole week after my diagnosis has felt so hopeless and scary but i'm so humbled by all the support that has come my way. i am trying my hardest to get healthy again because i don't want to die the way my mom did.

under the cut i am gonna put more about what i have been going through with my type 2 diabetes and fatty liver disease. i am going to be talking about food and eating patterns and somewhat disordered eating so tw for that in case you are curious.

i hope this can help some people though.

i have been very scared since my doctor told me i have fatty liver because i watched my mom die from cirrhosis of the liver - which is a real possibility for me now if i don't make changes.

i saw how awful the progression of that disease is.

when my mom was diagnosed she was already jaundiced and had full blown cirrhosis, which i did not understand at the time meant that it was irreversible and that she was absolutely going to die unless she recieved a live transplant. cirrhosis occurs when your liver has received so much damage that it has become scar tissue and cannot function any longer. your liver is an organ you cannot live without. if it is caught very early you have the option of a transplant, but since her disease had progressed so far her heart was not functioning properly and she had a 75% chance of dying on the operating table.

simple fatty liver usually does not cause symptoms and if it does, as with me, they are mild and can be ignored. this is why usually people do not know until it's too late and larger symptoms such as jaundice (yellow skin and eyes), red palms, swelling in the legs and stomach, confusion and hallucinations are present.

this has all scared me so much because i have ptsd from her illness and death, not only did i see all this happen to my mother very quickly- she was diagnosed in 2008 and died in 2010- but now i see it very differently. i understand now that she did not take her diabetes seriously enough, and taking her off the pedestal i have put her on has been hard. i remember how unhealthy she ate while diabetic, i remember how high her blood sugar was. i remember hiding bread and oreos from her. and now i understand that she must have had fatty liver and not known it, and because she already had hepatitis in the past AND was on a medication for depression known as cymbalta, her disease skyrocketed. she was not dieting, she was not exercising and she died without understanding how she got there so fast because non alcoholic fatty liver is SILENT until it's too late and it's not something doctors generally look for.

i do not blame my mother. she had a lot of mental and physical issues that i do not, and everyday i am so grateful that she raised me. but i now know that if they had tested her liver enzymes in say, 2005 or 2006, and told her what i know now, she may still be alive if she had changed her way of living. and that is hard.

when i was laying down for the gallbladder ultrasound there was something telling me it was my liver, and i imagined how scared she must have been in that situation but having no way to get better the way i still do. my mother loved me more than anything, and knowing she was going to die and leave me (her words) was something i know she felt guilty about until the final weeks of her life. i fully believe if she knew what i know, she would have changed.

i am not jaundice, i do not have serious symptoms except occasional discomfort in my abdomen. the craziest part is that this all happened on the anniversary of my mother's death, june 24th.

if she is still somewhere in existance, maybe she was warning me to change before it was too late.

the truth is until now i did not understand the connection between what you eat and your liver, especially if you are diabetic or prediabetic. i am trying really hard not to blame myself, but the truth is my diet for the last few years have been absolutely atrocious. i would wake up and have a sugary iced coffee and a chocolate croissant every day. for lunch i would have pizza or something fast and easy like that and when i got home i would have pasta almost every day. then i would have snacks like chocolate covered pretzels or a pint of ice cream like it was nothing.

if i had been more careful, maybe i wouldn't be where i am now. but the past is the past and truth be told i have an addiction to sugar. the first two weeks after my diabetes diagnosis i felt insane. i cried in the grocery store because i wanted to get candy and soda so bad. it was physically painful not to. but... now a month later those cravings are gone. i do not even WANT a ben & jerrys - as if something in my body switched. and that step was hard, but it has been worth it.

the hardest part has been finding food in the us that is actually healthy and not MARKETED to be healthy. these are different things and i learned that recently too.

i want to make it clear that i am not shaming how anyone eats. i am not trying to lose weight because i don't like looking fat. i actually realized i am going to miss my fat body as i start to slim down. but i have to do this to live- this is not the case for everyone but it is for me.

now, if you made it this far i want to tell you some warning signs that i was seriously ill that i ignored for months.

1. i noticed random parts of the skin my body getting darker, specifically beneath and between my breasts and behind my neck. this is a sign of diabetes. i also noticed my skin would tear very easily, specifically my hands.

2. i had to pee all the time. like. literally every 15-20 minutes. at one point i was getting up to pee about 7 times a night. and when i did it smelled like liquid cane sugar. this was my first "oh shit" moment.

3. this is taboo to talk about but i suspected i was diabetic when i suddenly got a really severe yeast infection.

4. my skin was breaking out like it never had. i also had light colored stools.

5. oddly dizzy and feeling weird. down the list bc everyone knows this one.

6. lastly. pain in my upper right stomach, under the ribs. if you feel pain here and are either diabetic or prediabetic, ask your doctor to check your liver enzymes and if you cannot see a doctor consider making changes to your life style within your personal capacity.

anyway, thank you for helping me and if you read this thank youuu for that as well and i hope it's somewhat helpful to someone out there 🫶🏻

#personal

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chronicsymptomsyndrome · 24 days

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I really need to tell my aunt I’m autistic. I started a co-counseling class with her I really like the other two women in the class. I’m notably the youngest (all my aunts generation) but we are all very open minded liberal activist love the arts being creative plants astrology etc etc. I would put big money on all four of us being some type of neurodivergent.

Anyway every session I filter myself alluding to being autistic and I need to stop because the point is not to filter. It’s time. I don’t know if I would rather do it in a season (defined roles which I love but leaves me wondering what she’s thinking the whole time) or in regular conversation (no defined roles but I get to hear genuine thoughts and questions.) Also do I want to tell just my aunt initially or all three of them at once like ripping off a bandaid? Also do I bring up adhd? Which I am clinically diagnosed with? Should I start from square 1 w the whole backstory of how I got here, or dive right in the deep end and go back from there?

I think the part I’m most anxious about is explaining the concept of self diagnosis. I hate defending my diagnosis. I hate adding the caveat “if a doctor labeled me allistic I would laugh in their face and make fun of their career choice.” I hate having to explain how common it is to be overlook/dismissed because you’re a girl and you made eye contact or smiled or sat still or communicated adequately or masked too much

I’m certain she’ll be outright positive and supportive I’m just worried she might miss the mark in doing so. I’m worried she’ll try to be supportive by saying something like “nooo I think you’re being too hard on yourself give yourself a little credit” or “so cool that it’s hardly noticeable at least” or “don’t worry that doesn’t make you lesser than, you’re just like everyone else!” Or any of that well meaning toxic positivity crap that allistics always rely on

Anyway if any self diagnosed autistics have tips from their own experiences explaining to family/whoever, I’d love to hear. Either way thanks for reading this far if you did. Wish me luck I guess 🥸

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artificial-radiance · 7 months

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Hi, my name is Dune, but I also go by Clover and Sunny (and more). My pronouns are vi/it, and I'm a white trans masc nonbinary person from the midwestern USA. You can find my pronouns and names listed here. I am also plural (not diagnosed w/ anything due to not being out), and very pro-nontrauma systems + plurals.

I primarily make art for fun, but I also have commissions open. Much of my content is fandom related or connected to my personal projects. My content is directed at 16+ audiences due to foul language and infrequently posted suggestive content.

You can find my art TOS here.

My inbox is always open, feel free to talk or ask me questions!

My other blogs include:

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If you want to support me, you can do so on my ko-fi. If you want to hang out, I have a Discord server. If you want to find me on other websites, consult my carrd or lnk.bio page.

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#pinned post #introduction #dni

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ereemos · 8 months

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my not-so-comprehensive list (very personal 3am opinion) on books about how to deal with someone with bpd (i’m sure this is applicable to other conditions)

it’s very difficult to deal with a mentally ill oved one, and no matter how much suffering they’re in, the pain it causes those around them is not to be discounted.

this pain can stem from not understanding certain behaviours, fear for their loved one’s wellbeing, seeing someone act violently towards others or themselves, powerlessness, etc.

i whole heartedly believe that these people deserve support too, and that their experience is valid and important to verbalise.

either way, sometimes this can be taken to the extreme, where the person suffering for their loved one starts feeling like “the real victim” and this creates extra stigma, this post being about bpd, an already incredibly stigmatised disorder (both in and out of the medical community).

how do i support my loved one with bpd, or find resources to help myself get through this situation, or understand my loved one better, without falling for evil-bpd-manipulator-woman-propaganda?

look no further! i’ve read enough bpd self help book for loved ones, to be able to tell you what to look out for. i’m sure there’s good ones out there, haven’t seen a single one though ! hah! (only because my mum buys them btw, i promise they exist)

WHAT TO LOOK OUT FOR … in a shitty book

- “most cases of bpd are caused by childhood trauma, but not your child, you are a good parent” books that use this sort of language seem more like they’re trying to reassure someone who is, most likely, a contributing factor to their child’s bpd

when the book is more about self help than it is about therapy… any book framed as self help, i’d stray from. you are not qualified to talk about bpd in this setting.

when the actual victim seems to be treated as an abuser, or written about like an annoying ex who won’t stop texting you, miiight be a sign someone doesn’t care about how people are treated, just wants to make their readers like they need a cuddle.

when they start talking about wanting to expand bpd criteria and diagnosing bpd in minors - why are you talking about this in a self help book - you’re spreading medical misinformation by mixing official diagnostic criteria with your own personal (BIASED) theories, seems like every patient you don’t like has bpd…

w hen the main “how to help a bpd sufferer” is just “give up on trying to help them, they’ll never amount to anything, think about yourself” HUH

too much personal judgement . you’re writing about a disorder .

look at the authors bibliography! are they self help authors who have written nothing other than “how to leave your ex boyfriend behind” “how to be happy in 10 steps” or maybe actual doctors whose mainstream published works include “how my bpd wife ruined my life” “the real victims of bpd” etc???

personal pet peeve, but people talk about bpd patients as only being women. rubs me the wrong way, especially, with the bod/hysteria parallels.

emphasis on either fixing the patient or cutting ties with them/ letting them live an unfulfilling life “because that’s just how they are”

(tl;dr keep away from self help books, as a society we have moved past the need of self help book-capitalism--self-affirming-pseudo therapy)

RESOURCES TO HELP YOURSELF OR A LOVED ONE WITH BPD

DBT !!! there’s so many free resources out there, exercises, pdfs etc, its really worth looking into!

research BPD on your own, looking at multiple sources, both medical and personal experiences, and remember that if you’ve been abused by someone with a cluster b personality disorder, that doesn’t make everyone with the same illness a monster

readings that emphasise on how to deal with situations (still, DBT is useful for this), how to de-escalate a meltdown by behaving empathetically, protecting your peace and your loved one’s, rather than trying to “fix” them.

it is important to hold people accountable for their actions: people with bpd are people, not just victims. Having tough conversations w sufferers can be hard. consider contacting an actual therapist, when things are too much to handle.

there is no shame in going no contact if the person is genuinely abusive, or dealing w them is beyond your abilities. you are not their psychiatrist.

keep in mind that psychology and psychiatry and constantly evolving, and what is a diagnosis today may be laughable in 10 years time ! (just look at the history of bpd)

this post was specifically written for my mother but i just had to put it out there i hate self help books i hate them it’s so much worse than telling me “have you tried yoga?” because yoga actually helps, unlike self help books, which are making psychology and mental illness a big soup of buzzwords to pick out and capitalise on! hmm what will it be today? narcissistic abuse? how to handle your autistic child? soooo sick and tired . stop making money off of me. give me money if you want but stop exploiting disordered individuals.

thanks for reading, sorry for the long post/ramble, it’s 3am

#rant #self help cult #bpd #self help #self help books #borderline personality disorder #cluster b #dbt #bpd vent #anti self help #actually bpd

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theold-ultraviolence · 1 year

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Okay but agakn maybe a more personal question! For both modern and canon dad Aemond. We know how he is w Vaela after she lost her eye but what about other chronical illnesses like if Amelia had diabetes or sth? I as a diabetic feel like people oftern forget about it and i have quite been bad at taking care of myself but i know he would be the most attentive parent. Being there for when she needs to cry if it just sometimes it hard. Bba

First of all, please take her of yourself, lovely!! Even if it’s hard sometimes!

In regards to Amaelia suffering from a chronic illness, oh man I feel like Aemond would be one of those parents that have this sixth sense and can tell right away when something is a little bit off with their child even if it’s not really noticeable. My mom used to say that she knew when I was gonna get a cold because she said my smell changed. And I think Aemond would be exactly like that.

He’d notice if Amaelia was going to the bathroom too much, or suddenly started drinking way too much water. He’d notice if she starts loosing or gaining weight or if she’s looking more fatigued, if she has trouble breathing. At the very first sign of something being off he’d start observing her like a hawk and keeping up a mental list of her symptoms. He asks you if you’re noticing the same things he is and when you both agree that something is off you immediately take her to the doctor. He’d feel devastated over any and all illnesses, but he’d leave all of his worries until bedtime, with you. In his mind, she cannot see him worried or sad because she’s going to worry about him. So he keeps up a strong face when he’s with her, but curls up with you during the night, sleepless because he cannot take her child being in pain.

Generally, he’d be very pragmatic. He knows by heart the schedule in which she needs to take her meds. Plans out her diet and is very meticulous when buying groceries from now on. Makes sure she takes all the vitamins and/or supplements she might need. Say, she has asthma — he’d always keep an extra inhaler at hand, and would be up all night looking up exercises she can do to keep her lungs strong, without tiring her (my mom used to make me blow balloons for that lmao). Or say she needs to have a transfusion done — I was first diagnosed with anaemia I had to have several iron IV transfusions and they were super daunting, so I’m imagining if that were the case he’d sit by the hospital bed and read to her while she’s getting the procedure done, or simply hold her hand and make sure she knows she’s not alone and is being taken care of.

#modern!aemond’s family #big brained anon

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minipisi-is-dumb · 1 year

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alright so. tails and eggman are the only two characters that are canonically gifted/ND in the sonic universe but they're Really interesting ways to see how others perception of gifted people is like and how it impacts the silly furry story i am the normalest about it btw not like you care

so i just have other observations abt it because it's funny mainly eggman rn ive been thinking abt him a lot

this is also a long post and im not even a fraction done ok ive issues

(also abt this im talking about canon not coding and Oh Boy do i have words for sonic and shadow as gifted-coded and how much the narrative of just being born "gifted" compared to others or the entire Literally being made For This is used in fiction but im not. gonna talk about it. not today. soon.)

look i like to compare eggman and tails a lot bc they're fundamentally parallel between each other and their relationship w sonic n all that jazz that we know but LISTEN!!!

eggman has been diagnosed very obviously for plenty of years already and since it's very usual for people to be prejudiced against it i actually find interesting that he is so so self absorbed into his genius persona and being more invested into keeping that idea on others mind.

so okay listen words are funny. giftedness is a way of asynchronous development in the brain where some parts develop "quicker" than others (compared to most brains) and is not exactly fun all the time

a good analogy i like is about "mental age" (which was acc a predecessor of the idea of IQ!) where you have people who are chronologically, say, 12 years old, but their emotional regulation is alike to an 8 year old but ALSO their intellectual needs are the ones of a 19 year old. yeah. it gets like that.

so a lot of time in children it's the classic (super harmful) "hypermature" mentality that sees them and keeps them in that pedestal (yes this has to do w sonic still) and adults are usually seen as less mature than their peers, more child-like and less apt to be actually functional people in everyday live n that causes issues because part of the giftedness of it all is that the creativity and child-like wonder is a fundamental part of how our brain is wired wether we like it or not. so that "childish" part is always seens as less from the outside and DUDE YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I ADORE EGGMAN

LISTEN TO ME eggman is textbook evil villain for kids entertainment franchise and also good foil for sonic and tails mainly Oh no we're not just talking abt that we're talking about symptoms here and i LOVE how some of them is clear he learned to accept and live with and others not

actually Eggman's got to be one of the coolest depictions of an evil gifted man istg. the man might be an evil mastermind n probably has killed so much people that lily orchid would cry in her sleep abt it and he's also hyperfixated on killing a funny blue furry but look he knows what he is and he OWNS it

Oh, the prejudice is that gifted adults are too childish? Too creative for their own good? Too self centered? Jokes on THEM Eggman just created 5 new badnik models based on the same worm and they all look sick also did you see Eggman's logo plastered everywhere like a kid putting stickers in every place they can???? YEAH

Oh the prejudice says that gifted adults need to be overachievers and have a million accomplishments to be validated? suck to be you because sure eggman has his doctorates hanging around but he really just has an elevated ego. he would call himself genius for making a coffee at the temperature he likes, he would call himself genius because of internalized shit but also he would just. let himself be. if anything he's not thinking about being or not a genius for himself, he's more focused on maintaining that mythos for his enemies so that he feels some sort of power (ah yes chronic need of control my beloved)

listen the ways funny brains ar wired make it so that there's an illusion of omnipotence through the sheer power of will. that "childish" part is so so fundamental because it comes back up even if repressed every time there's threat. every time a basis on any self perception is perceived, a "child-like" attitude is taken and everything is blamed on someone else or is reflected in a need of over protection, control and blaming others for any situation. you guys can see how this relates to Eggman or have i finally lost it

also that one cool af detail where he blames his frustration everything back to an outsider force uh listen im joking here but im very much sure that Eggman's gotta be one of the funniest depictions of a gifted adult that feels so. Yeah i can see where he's coming that's kinda what i mean.

uhhhh i have so many more thoughts but it's too long and also words are hilarious and also shut UP i just like Eggman as the funniest gifted man ever bc he just shows so many symptoms and plausible ways his ND affects his life. it's clear that they just wanted to parody the idea of an evil mastermind being annoyed by children when the games started and therefore gave him both the 300 is thing and the immature behavior to like mock him n such. but literally shut up i can do whatever i want i can take characters however i want and he is canonically ND so ill hold him to that standard anyways

#eggman #minipisi.hcs #sth #sonic #long post #but really is yall's fault for letting me be like this ok #eventually tails post but i need to talk abt eggman we need to give him mlre recognizement over how nice to se he is #something something it's 7am i need to do something better in my life #giftedness

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commanderfreddy · 1 year

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the man I am now

(a very long look back at the year)

2022 marks my 10th year on tumblr, my 25th year of life, and the ending of a strange, dark, 33-month winter that I entered too young and emerge from feeling entirely too old.

At the beginning of this year, my dad noticed that he was having some cognitive problems, assuming they were side-effects of the medication he took to manage his oesophageal cancer, and he asked me to move back home to be his carer, since my brother worked and studied full-time and I had just quit my job.

Only now, in retrospect, do I know that there is no world, anywhere in all of possibility, where I said no. It wasn't a choice, no matter how I agonised over it. I got to work and to complaining right away. I handled it about as gracelessly as any human being can do anything.

The week before I dragged all my crap across the city back to my family home, dad had a fall, and went to the emergency room. There, he was diagnosed with a brain tumour.

I think I gave up on my father more times than I can count. So many nights, waiting in an empty house, imagining his hospital bed growing cold.

Because no matter how much good news he wrung from his test results, no matter the optimism his doctors showed, no matter the plans we so doggedly laid, we had been here before.

My mother died on March 25th, 2020, only three months after being diagnosed with lung cancer.

When dad passed, we knew what crematorium to use, where his ashes would join hers in the memorial garden. All of that had been sealed in stone from the moment of his diagnosis. Because no matter how many medical professionals tried to reassure us that my mother's death had been an anomaly, a tragedy, a hideous confluence of malignance - this was our story. We knew every line, every movement, every futile rise and fall, and we played our parts as precisely as ever.

Everyone feels guilty when someone they love dies. I was sure of my role in his death before he even stopped breathing. I can play the innocent, say I was fumbling blindly through a period of life no one ever wants to imagine, let alone live through, but I know better. I knew what I was doing, when I suggested he try a week in the hospice to see how he found it, and so did he. No matter how I phrased it as a temporary stay, an introduction to the facility, he knew what was happening. When we loaded him into the patient transport to the palliative care hospice, he told me he was beginning the first day of the last stage of his life. I told him not to think like that. As though I didn't know. As though there was ever any other path.

Never once this year did I want him to die. Never once this year did I doubt he would.

I remember thinking that if he died before mid-November, my brother could still go on his Europe holiday. And he did, and he did. I remember thinking if I applied for a course in the US, I'd have something to do next year. And I did and I do.

It's not that I feel like I manifested his death personally. Perhaps, if I had gone a different kind of mad, if I had thrown myself at the bounds of this story with all my strength, I might have lucked into something. Stumbled across some clinical trial that might have done something, anything, even if only alleviate the mystery pain in his left hand that remained until he died. But I didn't. I knew, with the same certainty that I was alive, that he was going to die. And so he did.

Do I feel guilty for capitulating to that certainty? For challenging it only superficially, in a useless and often insulting attempt to cheer my dad up? Do I feel guilty for my inability to imagine another story, not even another ending, just a different middle, a final year of life where I didn't set my house on fucking fire, where we didn't snap at each other as the walls closed in, where he made that stupid train, where I did something, anything, except sit in my room and grow less and less solid, until the only ghost left in the house was me?

I don't know what I feel.

Something was my fault. A lot of things were - arguments, oversleeping, buying the wrong brand of rice, the fire (my god my god. All my furniture was thrown out. I live in a room of strange new things, objects that had never been breathed on by my mother. One bedroom in a four room house. Full and empty and full and empty). But something else was my fault, too. Something More.

I think I'll spend my life looking for it, this thing that burdens me, that overweighs my mind and crushes memories beneath its inscrutable mass.

If I knew what it was, I would understand, then. I'd understand it all, who I am, where I came from, where I'm going, what happened to me, who my parents were - everything, all of it will become clear as soon as I realise what it is I did wrong.

What I could have done differently.

I remember, perhaps a day or two before he went into hospice, waking him up from a fitful and unpleasant nap so he could have dinner. He spoke of an argument with me, and I don't even know what he accused me of saying, just that it was so awful, so directly drawn from the very worst parts of my psyche, that I could focus on nothing but reassuring him that it had just been a dream. But the other conversation he recalled, he could not be convinced was a dream. I wasn't there for his last meeting with his oncologist, doing my best to "give him privacy" (slack off) ((hide from reality)), but it was a month or two before he passed. And my dad felt then, with his transfer from oncology to palliative care, that his doctor had given up on him.

I hated to hear him say that, the bitterness and fear in his voice. I hated to hear him say that, knowing I had given up on him first.

But these are the people we are. We are crushed by the weight of life to the shape it has taken so far, anticipating it to continue in much the same way.

Dad had a few genuine high moments of optimism last year, when it was just oesophageal cancer, when it was one foe, as yet asymptomatic, that could be grappled with, one-on-one. But after the brain cancer diagnosis, we couldn't keep the darkness at bay.

My father wasn't a religious man. His mind was his soul. This was the one death he couldn't bear to die.

And so it was the only death that could take him.

He stayed, right until the very end. It was him that I saw, behind eyes he struggled to move, trying to force breath past lips that could not move.

He was so afraid of being Mum. Mum, who, for the last two? - three? - days of her existence, could not respond. Who could be woken, but not to a world she could see or interact with. Whose eyes darted, vague and furious, as she failed to meet mine. She frightened me then, the wild, lost look on her face. And she frightened Dad, who begged me, in his last week of life, to reassure him that he did not look like that. That he was not leaving me in such an ugly procession.

That he could ask was proof enough. And then his voice deserted him, and it was only with his careful, pleading eyes that he could beg.

What a relief it was when I showed him the pictures I took of the lunar eclipse of the night before and he could respond, in genuine, true reaction, surprise and wonder in his raising eyebrows, the widening of his eyelids.

That night they called me in to say goodbye.

I ran 3 kilometres uphill in the dark, wearing a jacket that seemed to float around me, like I weighed nothing, like I was nothing, like I was flying, furling out into the night, moving at last without the burden of breath or need for fuel, simply going as fast as possibly could.

Not fast enough.

When my mother died I was eating a bowl of spaghetti.

When my father died I was waiting for the lights to change across from the train station.

Life ends in much the same manner in which it is lived.

Weeks in the hospital, watching, wondering, knowing, and still I couldn't be there to say goodbye.

Perhaps that's it, the source of the guilt. Perhaps it's just another thing, another instant of existence to regret. Something you can't change.

A choice that isn't a choice at all.

I died this year.

We all die every year: a hundred tiny deaths as strangers forget our faces, as someone stops ordering their tea the way you first recommended it, as you ignore a text from someone for the last time, and your lives forever diverge. No doubt I died this way as many times as usual. But I have, I feel, become something else, too.

Something I don't particularly like, with so many of the same old flaws and failings - oversleeping, failing to think of others, walking in that hunched way that hurts my shoulders, but something new all the same.

When I first started this blog, I was fourteen years old. I was so loud, and I took up all the wrong space, moving in an awkward, unintentionally exaggerated manner, and annoying everyone for it.

Now I go days without speaking. My tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth and takes effort to dislodge. Something about my body language makes me hard to see, and I'll stand at a shop counter for eons, always surprising the cashier when they turn around, no inkling that anyone was there. There are few other situations beyond shopping where I will interact with someone.

On Christmas Eve I delivered a box of chocolates to my neighbours, and with their combined six extroverted bodies, was shepherded inside to sit in their sunroom and share a platter of fruit with them. It was such a strange and alien bliss, cold grapes in summer, the gentle licks from their dog, the awkward bend of my legs upon the floorboards as I asked my neighbour what she was studying, only to be overcome with an inexplicable gratitude when she said nursing.

But some of this is old, too. You can go back, dig through my archives, my personal posts, my plaintive adolescent agonies that persist, no matter how I try to articulate them better, that feel just as wretched as when I was fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, eternal, undying.

I've always felt other, separate. It scares me to have proof of it. What then, what now? How do I tether myself to the belief that I am human, that I must be, if only because there is nothing else I could be? I'm no longer anyone's child.

I talked about this with my mother once, saying it was funny that we still call people's offspring their "children" even when they're grown, when they're old, and she said that I'd always be her baby, even when I was old and she was even older. Well I'm young and she's gone and I'll never be anyone's baby again.

I feel the need to disclaim that I'm never gonna kill myself. For a variety of reasons, but lately, most of all, because dying is so fucking difficult. I don't really trust anyone to get it right for me. And that's the scariest part about death. No one dies alone. No matter how long it takes to run up that steepest of hills. It's a process, a long drawn out one, even when the death is sudden and an anomaly to oncologists everywhere. The death begins at a point I can't find, and never really ends. Not even when you're forgotten - you're still dead then and you're still dying, as the universe dies around you. Beyond nights in hospitals and days in legal offices, you die over and over, constantly, in everyone's minds, in everyone's lives, as they become people you can't know, needing help you will never be able to provide, and still and still they carry you with them, your dusk-tossed dust long gone while the spectre of the person you once were to them hammers away in their heart.

I'm not gonna kill myself. I don't think I'm qualified to die.

But I'm not sure I can figure out how to be born again, either.

"Das Ei ist die Welt. Wer geboren werden will, muss eine Welt zerstören" [The egg is the world. Whoever wishes to be born must destroy a world]. I don't know what world I have left to destroy.

I have become strange to myself, to the lonely teenager that first settled into this digital space, even as I have failed to ease any of his pains. I never was cut out to be a carer. I'm forgetting how to care at all. I'm becoming thin (my doctor's worried about my diet but I can't remember to eat) and thinner (sometimes I feel like you can see the world through me, transparent and just as frangible as a window, too). I won't let myself die. But that's all I have. I can no longer think in future tense, not specifically, not beyond the pretentious, sweeping eternalisms I declare in an attempt to hitch myself to something bigger than myself.

Nothing is big enough. Multiplying by zero always gets you to the same place.

I set out to write a summary of the year, to try and get my head around this epicentre of my existence. I'm not sure what I ended up with, or where I am. Certainly not how to finish.

My bad.

When I write fiction, I've had the most success by starting with an ending, and building the most satisfying leadup I can to make it worthwhile. Probably should have done that here.

Then again, this year has shown me all too well what happens when you decide on the ending before your story is done.

#personal #death and dying talk #fred says a thing #this started out as a kind of #2022 year in review #Thing.#but there's really only one thing i can talk about #one framework for the life i have lived for the past 12 months #i really did try to find a hopeful note to end on #but sometimes ambiguity is all the comfort you can get #still its there #in the unknowns and unknowables #potential for something #ill be ok #i dont know how to be anything else

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garoujo · 1 year

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hi feel free to delete this, i dont have very many followers and was hoping for this to reach more people.. I've never done anything like this before so please bear with me

my son (4) was just diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, we're currently in the childrens hospital and the equipment for checking his blood sugar that our insurance covers (specifically the part that pokes his finger) doesn't work. (the doctors and nurses tried to see if they could get it but the needles for the poker are just too small/don't produce enough blood and we wont be able to use it) we talked to the pharmacy and its the only one our insurance covers sadly. being a stay a home mom i wont be able to afford a new one that would work for him so i was hoping if anyone has the extra money to help us be able to get a new one i would appreciate it greatly (it would be around $15 a box and the box would last anywhere from 1 month to 100 days depending on what my local pharmacy carries) i do have enough for the first box, but being a stay at home mom i don't have a income and am afraid of not having the money for the next one. anything could help so much (but please do not donate if you cannot afford it!!) my cashapp is $ivygracem (i will happy provide proof that your money went towards the lancets for him if you want me to)

i’ll post this 4 u my love ! but you’d probs be best making a post about it w all the details so that it can circulate & be boosted / reblogged etc <3 !

#ֹ ۪ ᥫ᭡ : [emmails]#ഒ : [mommy without milkers]#u could even link ur cashapp if that’s wat it’s called !

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antifaagainstapathy · 1 year

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Request for hive mind input---

(And yes...starting to realize I should probably draw a stick in the sand to cut myself off from this individual)

Yesterday I asked his thoughts on Texas house bill SB 14--- the one that now bans doctors from using hormone treatments when working with children with transgender issues.

I mentioned that I spent several hours the previous Friday in the state capital building watching deliberations- without going into further detail about why I was there.

His initial response was an anti Trans article by one one of those bogus groups (political pretending to be valid medical or scientific).

I pointed out the problem with the source and provided at least 5 articles- the first based on a Stanford study?

His response?

Essentially something along the lines of "their sample size was too small...therefore it's bad science.. therefore it's meaningless "

(I'll post exact verbiage and links shortly)

A. Is this guy a little nuts or a lost cause/ full on MAGA?

B. Is there any chance of getting through at all? Or should I just cut ✂️ my losses? (Will also explain how I know him)

Ok....about to do a nearly pure copy of the conversation:

The beginning: me- if you're interested in continuing w/ the political discussion I potentially have the next topic:

https://www.texastribune.org/2023/05/12/texas-trans-kids-health-care-ban/

His response

https://acpeds.org/transgender-interventions-harm-children

Me: I suspected as much:

Him - any studies to support your side ?

Me - hundreds, how many do you need?

Him - I can't find any that are scientifically significant.

By population or duration.

https://med.stanford.edu/news/all-news/2022/01/mental-health-hormone-treatment-transgender-people.html

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/what-the-science-on-gender-affirming-care-for-transgender-kids-really-shows/

https://journalofethics.ama-assn.org/article/should-psychiatrists-prescribe-gender-affirming-hormone-therapy-transgender-adolescents/2016-11

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31027543/

https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/2022/01/15/transgender-hormone-therapy-early-start-helps-mental-health-kids/9174802002/?gnt-cfr=1

https://journalofethics.ama-assn.org/article/should-psychiatrists-prescribe-gender-affirming-hormone-therapy-transgender-adolescents/2016-11

His comments

First study, patients are self diagnosing.

No actual objective measures

My response

Dude.....you are rejecting essentially every credible organization out there.

Carefully analyze why

You're coming across like an ignorant twat.

I think I see why you like Peterson so much...both unwilling to see science and look past what you want to see

Him

Ok, what objective measures are being used in the first study?

I truly love science and it's method, and try to keep an open mind when looking at the world.

You're trying to challenge Stanford medical school? Honestly?

*** I spent nearly 3 hours in the Texas house (this past Friday) listening to debate over the bill I initially told you about....the thing that became PAINFULLY CLEAR was the fact that the gentleman who proposed the legislation has no understanding of medicine, trans issues, mental health, or the likely impact of his proposed legislation

That's 99.9% of it now

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kalopses-sonderes · 2 years

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Here’s the fic that I wrote for you, please take your time, and write your opinion about it, I’m not looking for fame, I’m here just to make you relax and happy

Warning: strawberry jam (bl**d), sensitive content ahead, the story might seem a little bit rushed, might be a little confusing too, bad English.

Frost queen cookie x terminal ill!gn!reader.

You live in the middle of a snowy forest, your house stays nearby a village where you gather materials to make little sculptures and snow globes. After you were diagnosed with a rare illness that doesn’t have a cure, you decided to live the rest of your life the best you can. But in one particular day, there was a very big snow storm, “ugh why did I do that”, you asked yourself, while trying to walk through the snow storm, “I could have gotten the materials another day, but nooo, I had to do everything today”, you said to yourself. “At least it can’t get worst” “owoooooo”, “me and my big mouth”, cream wolfs started to run after you, you started to run, “now this is great, come on throw something bigger I dare y-ahhhhh!”, because of the snow, you end up falling from a cliff, the good news is that you survived, the bad news is that you are unconscious.

(In the next day).

You wake up in a bed, in a room seemingly made of ice, you look out of the window, only to see that you were in a castle made of ice, when you got out of the room, you tried to go for the nearest exit, but you end up in the throne room. And you saw the monster that haunted children, sitting at the throne, shadows hiding her face, the Frost witch. “No t-thats impossible, Y-you don’t exist, you are nothing but a stupid children’s tale!”, you said terrified, “how rude of your part, I saved you from that fall and you say thank you like this?”, said the Frost witch, “that’s not even my real name”, “ok, so w-what’s your real name?”, the Frost witch was surprised, nobody asked about her real name before, the cookie got up and got out of the shadows, “well, my real name is, Frost Queen Cookie”, the cookie said. You were speechless, of how beautiful the cookie looks, her beautiful yet emotionless face, her shining blue eyes, and her smooth soft hair, “w-w-well m-my name is y-y/n cookie”. You stayed at Frost Queen Cookie castle, for some days, In between these days, you started to create a friendship with her. When you finally went home, you felt a little empty. You manage to find the path that lead to Frost Queen Cookie castle, and started to daily visit her, to go with her in strolls around the forest, or to drink tea, you actually developed a crush on her (I can’t blame you).

Today you decided to make a gift for her to show your love, it was simple a snow globe, with little statue that resembled you inside of it, holding a heart, in the base of the snow globe, says, “I love you”. You went again to Frost Queen Cookie castle, and gave the immortal cookie the present, she opened, looked and said “I love you too, y/n cookie.”

You are a very lucky cookie, dating such a beautiful cookie like Frost Queen was unthinkable. Cookies around the village saw you way more happy, you started to carve wood sculptures of your girlfriend, the kids from the village would ask, who was she, and you simply said I was someone very important. Days have passed, but everything changed, one day you were walking through the cold hallways of the castle, “cough”,cough”,”tud”, you started to cough strawberry jam, and you fell to the ground. Frost Queen Cookie, luckily saw you laying in the ground, “my love, what happened?”, you could see panic in her eyes, “doctor… village… help”, right away, she picked you up, and went to the village.

When she got there, everyone was surprised, “is that the Frost witch?!”, “I don’t know she looks like so much those carvings that y/n cookie make”, “wait is that y/n cookie?! What did you do to them?!”, “where is the doctor?!” she says, panicking overwhelming her. You woke up in the bed of a infirmary, Frost Queen cookie right beside you. “Why didn’t you tell me about your disease”, she questioned you, “i-im sorry my Queen, in simply forgot, all the time we spend together, made me forget that I would die soon.”, you replied, “the doctor said you have only weeks, maybe days, what am I going to do without you?”, she said, “I…. I don’t know “.

Days has passed since the incident, you started to live in her castle, you were growing weaker, coughing strawberry jam was actually normal now. Frost Queen cookie search about your disease in her old books, in hopes to find a cure, that type of illness was very rare, so rare that there wasn’t many documents talking about, but every document said the same thing, incurable, the cookie searched every piece of information, wrote many many notes, double check the information. Cursing her self in the process, “how could I be so blind, so stupid”, she would say to herself, surely there was a cure, she just needed more time, sleep didn’t matter to her, eat didn’t matter too, the only thing that matters is you. One time you saw her, sleeping on the table, she was very tired, with books and notes scattered everywhere, you put an blanked over Frost Queen cookie, only to find a note under her head, “cryonic preservation?”, you asked yourself.

(One week later)

Those notes that you saw, that you thought it was nothing but gibberish, was now clear and shine like ice. You were in one of the many rooms of the castle, together with your love, Frost Queen cookie. “Are you sure this is going to work, my Queen?”, you asked Frost Queen cookie, “Yes it will, when you get frozen, the disease will stop from evolving, don’t worry I double checked every information as possible. It’s for your own safety.”, she replied. “There is nothing you can do my love, I think I… we should just accept fate”, you said with tears in the corner of your eyes, “I will cure you, I love you y/n cookie”, “I love you too, Frost Queen Cookie”. With that, using her staff, she casted a spell, frozen you and putting your body, inside a block of ice, that is shaped like a crystal.

Frost Queen cookie, went to her throne room, and sat on her throne. She saw your present, the snow globe, placed on the armrest, she picked up, and started to look at the object remembering the good memories of the past.

“This gift means a lot to me, from strangers to friends to lovers, that was our love story. You brought to my life, happiness, comfort, warmth, but life itself took you away from me. For now you will be remembered like that, surrounded by winter, forever beauty, forever youth, but for me you will be always remembered as the sparkle of fire that warmed my heart of ice. Rest well y/n cookie, my snowflake, my love, I will find a cure. And we will share warmth with each other once again, one day… I hope”. With only a tear, dropping from her cheek.

I took a lot of inspiration from Batman’s most known villain mr. freeze. I won’t enter in much detail about him, but the story itself, is already a summary for his motives.

This link has a music that will be very good to listen as you read (just my opinion): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBE_cldLuRY

I do agree in certain spots its really rushed but besides that I really loved reading that!

#sonder rambles #frost queen cookie

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doodleybugg · 1 year

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i. apologize for the inactivity guys. i had a rlly bad episode recently and although im back rn i can't promise how long i'll stay JDBDHD

ANYWAYS how about we have a little update? (triggering topics such as sh, ed, etc descriptions will be in red, bold text! i'll try to keep most of the negative stuff at the bottom but no promises :/)

so i forget how long i've been gone exactly, i remember logging in some rare occasions to like and reblog a couple posts but otherwise i've been extremely M.I.A (pun very much intended) and honestly that's been a bit stressful for me.

i've had a LOT of drama in classes. yeah that's right, ya girls in uni now! and i am failing SO BAD. it's rlly hard going to school everyday, like i hate it i just wanna go back to working at a shopping mall or smth lol. but hey the map of my cities kinda set up well, being the uni is right next to a lake, and on the other side is a parking lot w mcds, circle k, chatime, etc. and next to the parking lot, like legitimately across the street, is my house. i moved back in with my mom cuz rent was getting too steep, and honestly id rather be on the streets lol

probably the biggest update ihave; i'm a did system. i got the diagnosis early december, and with a shit ton of research and help from friends who have the disorder because the doctors are no help, i'm getting comfy with the label.

if you're not sure what did (disassociative identity disorder) is, it's basically a disorder which defines the presence of two or more different persons in your mind, alike to multiple personality disorder. again, i'm not a professional, and you'd think my doctor would have given me a run down on why it meant before he diagnosed be but here's how it went:

me: hey, so i haven't looked much into the subject, but my one friend who has did was telling me about their experiences and they lined up with a lot of mine. i think i might want to go about being tested

doc: mia. you don't need to get tested, it's already in your file. we've spoken about this before?

me: ...i don't think we have?

doc:

me: so you're saying you diagnosed me with did and didn't even tell me about it?

doc: well, at least you're aware now, right?

yeah. so that's two doctors i've gone through in the past three years. i didn't throw a stressball at this one, but fuck i wanted too!!

anyways, i guess i should introduce some of my alters :)

i'm mia (she.they.fae.), the host and little, i identify with how the body looks.

enzekai (he.they.it) is the co-host and caretaker, as well as the first alter i purposefully made. kai has many sources, but his main is actually an oc of mine, cairo!

and dwelle (it.she.boo) is our resident trauma holder and nonhuman. she formed recently while i was splitting and hasn't had much time in the front. her main sources are casper from girl in pieces and cassie from skins.

i'll give everyone a better intro but i'll save that for another post!

i have gotten absolutely zero progress done in my book, the toll it takes, and i find it harder and harder to write anything but immensely sad poetry anymore. on the rare occasions i can make up some headcanons but i don't think i'll be able to write any (good) fanfics for a while now, sorry

okay, onto the bad stuff. if anything listed is triggering or unappealing, please don't read ahead: ed (anorexia), sh (cutting, self sabatoge), anxiety and depressive thoughts, suicide mentions, death mentions, and otherwise explanations of feelings like abandonment and lonliness that while, in retrospect wasn't nearly as bad as i thought so, can still be upsetting just to read.

you've been warned

recently, as mentioned above, i've just gotten out of an episode; a bad one. by gotten out of, i mean i've attached myself to select people and depend entirely on them to keep me from self harming or starving. and that's completely unfair, so i've been trying to recover. my friend @my-elysian-love is helping me immensely to eat full meals and reminding myself that i don't deserve what i think i do. i'm so eternally grateful and i can never repay any of them back <3

before my choice to try recovering though, it was getting worse. i weighed 68 pounds at 19 years old. a couple nights ago, i've cut deeper than i ever have before, and i've been stuck with this sinking feeling in my stomach that i can't quite explain. i took out all my bad feelings on people i knew and loved, and when they finally held healthy boundaries and left me to my own devices so i couldn't hurt them, i took everything out on myself. i know, real remus lupin move haha.

but that wasn't fair. and even now i still feel bad, i still hate myself for what i said and did, for how i acted and it scares me how easily people are forgiving me. because i said some messed up shit while i was splitting, and that's not an excuse. and i just keep thinking it's only a matter of time before i blow up again, and maybe i'll be worse next time. maybe people won't come back, and i can't honestly blame them because i'm fucked. and as scared as i am, i'm grateful. or maybe it's just selfish. selfish because i just hate when nobodies around for me to love, to love me back. but i'm still terrified. it's hard to change up my thinking, but i'm trying. i'm trying rlly hard and i just hope that it's enough.

i'm a couple hours clean for self harm, and yesterday i didn't technically eat a full meal like i was supposed too (my older sister got mad at me and wouldn't let me eat anything). i had multiple cookies, a fruit roll up, two cups of tea, a packet of uncooked ramen noodles, a bite of a chicken finger and also i drank water! just water! for the first time in a while.

i hate that it took me fighting with everyone i loved to the point where i didn't even need to push them away anymore, they went willingly, and having multiple panic attacks in public restrooms to finally start on the road to recovery. it is so fucking hard, it's really hard. but fuck, it's worth it to see my friends happy. to not detect worry in their eyes and to believe it when @my-elysian-love says they love me (again i'm so sorry for spamming you aaa). it's worth it to finally eat cinnamon buns again, and drink tea with real sugar, not cal free sweetener. i get a shit ton less headaches cuz i don't constantly need to count cals anymore, and i haven't passed out of dehydration in 2 whole days. ik people without eds are probably like "wtf is this bitch on about?" and that's what i'm talking about. recovery is never the same as sobriety, but it's the next best thing. and i might still struggle with my body or cover up with baggy clothes sometimes but at least i'm alive to do so. cuz a while ago i was too close to death.

i attempted to kill myself again. this time by starving and eating a buncha pills. i'm lucky cuz it didn't work, and i'm still alive. i can only think of what would've happened if it didn't work. if the last. thing i did was tell someone i loved and cared about that i didn't care if they were dead. that the last thing i did was get mad at them for feeling for someone else the same way i felt for them. yk, bpd moments ✨. but i'm glad i lived to apologize and now i'm trying to recover. and ig that's all the updates i have rn

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latteconvos · 1 year

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There a go

Warning: strawberry jam (bl**d), sensitive content ahead, the story might seem a little rushed, might be a little confusing too.

Frost queen cookie x terminal ill!gn!reader.

(In the next day).

(One week later)

I took a lot of inspiration from Batman’s most known villain mr. freeze. I won’t enter in much detail about him, but the story itself, is already a summary for his motives.

That was awesome iabduebfuebf

I agree very much, Frost Queen is the very pretty aibdjwbfe

The first part almost had me like 👀👀 pretty frost woman is mmmm and the angst of terminal illness as a well used concept :0

The freezing idea was genius too, I could see Frost Queen wanting to keep her love around for all eternity, and the reasoning behind it is pretty smart!

Ahhh beautiful, not much else I can really say about it uabjsiebf. I had a bit of trouble reading the first two or so paragraphs with the line spacing, but that's probably just because of my ADD lol.

Insert grabby hands for next story

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