#I PROMISE I'LL MAKE IT UP TO YOU | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

melverie · 6 months

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Okay, but you guys do realize that the reason Mephisto behaves the way he does is because he has been raised with the intent of only being beneficial to the future demon king and nothing else, right?

(Buckle up because this is going to be a loooonnngggg post)

Mephisto comes from a family that has been serving the royal family for ages. He mentions multiple times that his family has always acted as their knights, their advisors and their protectors to them, and it won't be any different with him. It shouldn't be any different with him. Being beneficial to Diavolo has literally been decided to be the very meaning of his life even before he was born. He's been forced into the role and he's following it to a T because he's never known anything else, and because he can't afford to lose that. Without it, what else is left of him? What worth does he hold other than being essentially a tool for Diavolo?

And then the brothers fall and suddenly his position is at risk. Lucifer and Diavolo have already gotten along fairly well back when Lucifer was still an angel. Both Diavolo and Lucifer (as well as several others) mention that they go way back in their Nightbringer homescreen dialogues, and we see them having mutual respect by the end of the 'The Glory Days' Devilgram in the original game. Mephisto and Diavolo meanwhile might be childhood friends, but here's the thing

Diavolo wants a friend. A real friend. Someone that genuinely appreciates him for who he is as a person instead of focusing on his status as the future demon king. And that's something Lucifer can give him. They often hang out for the sake of it (apparently even eating dinner at Ristorante Six together regularly), they regularly engage in lighthearted banter, and Lucifer isn't afraid to give Diavolo his honest opinion

But that's not really the case with Mephisto...? He was never meant to be on equal footing with Diavolo; Diavolo even calls him "mini-Barbatos" at one point. He is literally still calling him 'Lord Diavolo' all the time, requests to speak his honest opinion first and waits for Diavolo to allow him to do so before actually giving it. That's why Mephisto keeps pushing down his own feelings and keeps showering Diavolo in praise any opportunity he gets while he adjusts every aspect of life to be beneficial to Diavolo in a way. Sure, he might be popular, but as long as Diavolo doesn't want him to get married he doesn't even waste a thought about relationships. He might have no real interest in journalism, but of course he'll take over RAD's Newspaper Club. After all, Diavolo asked him to! He's part of the House of Lords because as the future king's right-hand man that just makes sense. He was always just meant to be a tool for the crown prince to use, so he doesn't know how to treat Diavolo as anything but. He was literally groomed to be dispensable, so he's obviously going to act like it

And that's also where Mephisto's dislike for Lucifer stems from—he can only watch as Lucifer slowly grows closer and closer to Diavolo, and threatens to take the role that was always made up to be his. And so Mephisto keeps challenging Lucifer over and over again, trying to sabotage their friendship any way he can in hopes of winning back his position as the crown prince's right-hand man

That obviously doesn't make the way he treats Lucifer (and the rest of the brothers!) right. Lucifer isn't responsible for any of this, and blaming him for it is misguided. But it still doesn't change the fact that Mephisto has the right to be hurt at the situation at hand. His entire purpose of existence is just being ripped away from him right before his eyes and all he can do is watch. That must hurt. Especially when your entire familiy's purpose has been to serve the royal family, and you are the first one to lose that

Also, I feel like something else we need to talk about is how his fight only ever really seems to be with the brothers, especially Lucifer? Again, part of the reason is the entire Diavolo situation, sure, but I feel like it also has to do with the situation in the Devildom at large? I already vaguely talked about this in a different context a few months back, but ever since the brothers have been cast out of the Celestial Realm and arrived in the Devildom, the entire situation has just been super unstable. We as a player have a unique perspective on the events because we only have a limited outsider view to on the actual politics going on the the Devildom, while also being aware how things will play out in the future. We know that ultimately letting the brothers stay is the right choice, but that's not the way a regular denizen who has to live through all this sees it. I mean, just the way Mephisto describes the brothers really puts things into perspective:

The entire realm is super destabilized, they just semi-lost their current king, and there have been multiple very real threats of war—first when the Devildom took the brothers in in the first place, then when "Raphael" showed up and told the brothers to return, and Lucifer rightfully points out to (a comatose) MC that they are bound to go to war should the Celestial Realm ever find out that Diavolo turned Lilith into a human. There's just a lot of tension in the air, and the brothers—extremly powerful as both angels and demons—seem to be at the root of most of it in one way or another. From a the House of Lords' perspective, it makes sense to want the brothers gone, same goes for a denizens perspective. And while it is a delicate situation all around that can't just be blamed on the brothers, it makes sense for Mephisto to also see them at the center of it all. Again, that doesn't make the brothers' treatment right, but it's at least understandable given the circumstances

On a side note, when discussing his beliefs, I think it's also important to remember that he to this day is incredibly sheltered. He just accepts all this as normal because to him it is normal, but as we've seen in lesson 31 hard mode Thirteen was so shocked by his views that she immediately decided to drop everything and play therapist for him (absolute Queen for not just blaming it on him btw 💖). I know this was just a throw-away line, but this paired with him basically excisting to serve Diavolo already says so much about his character:

And with everyone else he seems to be generally pleasent? I mean, he says he doesn't want anything to do with angels or humans, and yet he risks getting injured in order to save Luke from falling. Yet he actively seeks out MC to solve one of the 666 Mysteries of RAD together with them, and saves them from tumbling on the floor because "anyone else would have done the same" (they wouldn't have. The season 1 brothers would have laughed straight in MC's face). He literally complained to Thirteen about how he was just about to go home and how he doesn't have time for her, yet diligently carries all her things for her as rain is pouring down on him. His actions always end up betraying his words

Also he has a massive sweet tooth which alings perfectly with one of the headcanons I had for months and is RAD's local horse girl so we stan! <3

-> more character & relationship analyses -> masterlist

#i'm in desperate need of several character analyses for the entire cast and if i can't find any i'll write them myself #anyway if you stumble across any character analyses could you tag me? thank you <3 #him saying he has no interest in persuing journalism is from the 'lead on mephisto!' devilgram btw #which i don't have so i unfortunately couldn't share a screenshot of it #anyway THE PROMISED MEPHISTO POST #I'M FINALLY SCREAMING ABOUT HIM WUUUUHHH #post is looonnnngg so i decided to add some screenshots to make it look less like a pure wall of text #which is also why it ended up taking longer than promised to post it i'm sorry^^;#i actually wrote a lot more but i had to cut a lot of things because it just didn't flow well #NEXT UP: another solomon mega post #obey me #obey me swd #obey me nightbringer #obey me mephistopheles #obey me analysis #obey me character analysis #;mel's analyses

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kimmiessimmies · 1 month

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Spring 08: Now or Never (25/25)

She turned around, “Yes?”

James shook his head, “Nothing. Good luck.” He smiled.

“Thanks.” She said, and left.

“Goodbye, my girl, I’ll miss you too..,” he whispered into the silence.

#😭#If anyone needs me #I'm that crying mess in the corner #He's secretly been calling her 'my girl' for a while now but only to himself #never out loud to anyone else #oh my heart...#I'll make it up to you James...#I promise...#atoh #ts3 #the sims 3 #sims 3 #sims story #sadie stevens #james wyler

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f1shart · 9 months

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idk guys. i saw the ref image, blacked out, and lo and behold this drawing exists (hey, it's not a doodle this time)

ref in question

read more for a bonus that is not a drawing this time ❗️❗️⬇️⬇️

indeed that is almeric davis, recreated in ts3, licking a phallic rainbow object...

you see 👉👈 when i was sick for a month (a week but i was gone for a month) i recreated ALL SEVENTEEN LFT STUDENTS in my beloved sims 3 game. i'm normal i'm normal i'm normal i'm normal i'm fine i'm normal (also a coinkydink: i'm sick again. 😐😐😐😐😐)

#ts2 #tanmeric #guh so sick send help 😭#tank grunt #almeric davis #la fiesta tech #shart #dk whether or not to tag this shitpost or not. it kinda is but iskkd #i guess me typing ''shitpost'' in that last tag will make it show up under shitpost anyway sigh #i love 80s/90s/00s photos they have this funky lighting effect where its like the shdows border the subject... kinda hard 2 explain #but you can tell a 80s/90s/00s photo apart from a modern day one because of it #perhaps if u want to see more of my sims 3 shenanigans i'll share them because i made a lot more than just the lft students 😌#NO PROMISES THO CUZ I DONT FEEL LIKE DOING ANYTHING AT THE MOMENT 😭🙏#boy i sure was talkative this time around

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slytherin-syon · 5 months

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i made the mistake of listening to the pjo musical while also being on a spy x family kick and came to the horrifying realization that Damian is so Annabeth-coded, particularly combining their ambitions with the trauma of being seen as invisible and their determination to prove themselves....

so, here is a damian-centric amv to the song "My Grand Plan"

#honestly so many lines in here just scream DAMIAN DESMOND #'if you don't go go you'll never know if you'll ever be good enough'#'my grand plan' nerd damian #'you better wise up cause ill rise up bring on any challenge' ambitious boy~#'so me i tend to stand my ground i find i never can give in' determined boy 😭#and most importantly 'and someday soon i swear i dont know how or when but i PROMISE YOU I'LL NEVER BE INVISIBLE AGAIN'#'someone will notice me...'#THIS LINE JUST MAKES ME CRY FOR THE LONELY AND SAD BOY DAMIAN IS AND HOW ALL HE WANTS IS TO HAVE ALL HIS HARD WORK TO BE APPRECIATED #damian desmond #damianya #spy x family #spy x fam #damian spy x family #my grand plan #lightning thief musical #pjo musical

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n3ongold3n · 5 months

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Day 5 - Kiss Kiss 😘 There. Fixed it.

#käärijä #häärijä #khäärijä calendar #the picture with the number delights me but in the light of today's title something had to be done #watch me making only the most wholesome additions while actually craving more filth hahahahaha #both is good #i promise i'll draw filth at some point #but for this you need passable anatomy and that's just not... quite there yet #Jere loosen up and be a little vulnerable challenge u3u #my own stuff

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hella1975 · 2 months

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a post about fic updates! so the fics im currently juggling are dog teeth, tams, and of course, taob. my original plan was to start posting the second installment of the dog teeth series by sometime in april, bc it's the fic im most into atm and i already have the first chapter done, i just want to bank another one or two because once i start posting it i want to KEEP posting it with regular updates, hopefully every 2 weeks like with kaiein. HOWEVER this will put my atla fics on a back burner. april is a good writing time for me (PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE) bc i have the entire month off from uni to prep for may exam season, and i always want to write when im procrastinating my degree. which is. it's own thing im sure i'll graduate it's fine i'm fine. so if i focus on dog teeth, neither tams nor taob will get focus until like. june. which is par for the course with taob but im NOT happy about doing with tams.

SO my thought process was i can either be normal about this and just accept it's literally my final year at uni and im trying to graduate and it doesn't matter if updates are slow on ANY fics, or i can do my usual and implement an insane deadline that i somehow always make by the skin of my teeth. can you guess what i went with?

and thus i present unto the crowd my tentative plan: have the next taob chapter done by middle of april (im aware this is quite hand-wavey but it gives me a month to work with, so in my head this means anything between april 10th-20th), have the next tams chapter done by the end of april, and dog teeth can follow.

#i know a lot of you are gonna swarm and tell me not to push myself/rush and i love and appreciate the fuck out of you #i PROMISE if it gets too much i will call it quits like im not about to jeopardise my final exam season for this lmao #but ultimately i do work better when i give myself these insane writing challenges and it gives me something fun to do #while im drowning in econ assignments #as for dog teeth being moved to the back burner despite it being my current passion project #im not actually too bothered by this bc i will still be working on it as i work on my atla fics #and it'll be good as a breather when those get up my arse PLUS has the added benefit of the second part of dog teeth #not actually being posted yet so technically no one's 'waiting' for anything. like kaiein exists perfectly fine as a standalone #whereas if i post ch1 of part 2 in april i then have to KEEP POSTING or it'll bug me #and then i'll have THREE updating fics to juggle #does any of this make sense. hello. tapping the security camera in my padded room is anyone there #WHATEVER. I WILL KEEP YOU GUYS POSTED <3 #taob updates #tams #dog teeth

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black-and-yellow · 2 days

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OJ2 my beloved/hated

#how do they expect me to fight against Midnight when Mic rolls up to the arena saying 'you've looked after me so much Midnight'#I can't make him fight her cmonnn they're buddies look at them #When the Mic DLC came out it destroyed my entire game and I couldn't save anymore and I had to start over #my Switch could NOT handle him #but I don't play the Switch version anymore cause paying for online is stinky #I have matched with one person today and I lost tragically #why is it way more embarrassing to lose as Mic than as any other character #to the Nomu who beat me to a pulp a minute ago I am sorry I didn't mean to disconnect it was my wifi i promise i didnt rage quit i promise #I play on English for the sweet dialogue between the trio but this comes with a catch which is that I am forced to listen #to mic say the most cringe lines you could imagine when he attacks #does anyone still play OJ2 besides that Nomu who just eviscerated me. does anyone want to fight. i'll let you be aizawa

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arakn0 · 10 days

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wip

#oc artwork #original character #i know that the people who follow me on here are here for shigaraki content but i promise i'll make it up to you!!#original comic #wip #saturn heights

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autisticaradiamegido · 3 months

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day 26

someday if i can figure out how the hell people get these things made i would like to do some little destiny & malice acrylic charms. i think those are so fun. and while i mostly want them for Myself i figure that if i DID figure out the process, i should maybe open up the option to anyone else that might want them, soooo...

informal poll: if i figure out how all that works, would any of y'all be into that, and approximately how many of you?

#day 26 #year 5 #my ocs #destiny chainsaw #malice winterfang #i know i've said i don't really like the idea of commissions and this isnt like a PROMISE or anything #i still have a lot of research to do before i commit to a shop of any kind #BUT. i think like a redbubble or something in that vein might be a manageable project #i mention stickers specifically because that seems like a very manageable thing to produce and ship even if i didnt go through like #a service to do so #particularly because i dont think id get a TON of orders for my niche OCs lol #but if i got some practice with something small like this it MIIIIGHT help me build up to making things for a larger market like...#say... well you know what i'm about over here lmao #we've basically all but gotten the official blessings of the powers that be to make homestuck merch without fear of reprisal at this point #ANYWAY that would be a ways off and be a much MUCH bigger project both artistically and in terms of like #me learning how Online Commerce works from the seller end.#BUT I HAVE BEEN CONSIDERING IT. and it seems to me that it would at least be relatively simple to sell like. prints of old art maybe #i dunno! like i said i'll see how the poll shakes out while i do a bit more research

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bella-rose29 · 8 months

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Chapter 7 - The Demon

I'm back from my holiday and still mildly sleep deprived from the flight but here's the next chapter! This is the second to last chapter (not including an epilogue), and I hope you all enjoy this one! As always, if you want to be added to/ removed from the tag list please let me know, and requests are always welcome :)

We start off with Tamar's point of view for this one, then switch to the reader, which again has been marked by the --- (because I still don't know how best to show a change in perspective).

Warnings: gets a lil steamy at one point (but I can't write it for the life of me)

Word count: 3.1k

Series master list

Tag list: @kentucky-criedfricken, @hauntedenthusiasttragedy, @kateswone, @historianthesecond, @polli05927, @ell0ra-br3kk3r, @simbaaas-stuff (sorry if I've missed anyone, let me know if I have!)

So far, everything was going swimmingly.

Tamar couldn’t help but feel a little uneasy at just how easily this tour was going, but with only one night left she was hoping they would have an uneventful journey home the next day.

Saints, she missed Nadia. Getting back home and showing her partner just how much she had been missed was high on Tamar’s list of things to do.

Right now, however, she was frustrated with the server behind the counter at the inn.

Apparently the King and Queen of Ravka would have to sleep in separate rooms tonight, due to the somewhat… conservative views of the owners, but looking over at the monarchs now, Tamar wasn’t sure how she’d ever be able to peel them apart.

She also wasn’t sure what had changed, but the past week had seen a dramatic difference in the couples’ behaviour; both being far more touchy, never leaving each others' side, making out in the carriage rides (which was a pain in the ass to Tailor) and at night.

On second thoughts, maybe it would be good for them to spend a night apart.

Sighing and removing her hands from where they rested on the tops of her axes, Tamar accepted the keys from the inn owner, promising to separate the lovers with a grimace. She wasn’t looking forward to that at all.

“Room keys,” she said to the travelling party, jangling the items in the air. Her twin immediately shot up, snatching a key and tearing up the stairs. He’d needed the toilet for 'the last three days’ apparently (his words, not Tamar’s), but had refused to just go pee in a bush (it was too undignified, apparently, as if Tamar hadn't seen him do some of the most undignified things in the world). Zoya took the next key, looking exhausted from all the travelling and like she very much needed her own bed. Tamar handed out keys to the remaining members of the group, then turned to Nikolai and Y/N.

“Alright lovebirds. You’re gonna have to split up tonight.” At their pouts, Tamar couldn’t help but roll her eyes, a smile forming on her face as she recognised the look she had worn when told Nadia wasn’t coming with them.

“Are you going to be okay, darling?”

“I’ll be fine, Kolya, it’s you I’m worried about.”

Saints, they were insufferable now. Tolya would be soaking this up if he were here, going on about how they were straight out of one of his beloved poems.

After ten minutes and many more sentiments and kisses, Tamar managed to wrangle them into their respective rooms, with promises that yes, they would be allowed to sit next to each other at breakfast (that was Y/N asking) and no, she wasn’t asking them to get divorced and never see each other again (that was Nikolai, far more dramatic than his wife).

She let out a breath as she leaned against her own door to the room she’d be sharing with Tolya, before entering and telling him to take first watch, and slipping into a light sleep.

Two hours later she was woken by her brother, taking the next round of standing guard. Going to stand in the corridor and resting her back against the wall, she settled in as best she could for the next two hours. Something sharp jammed into her back and she whirled round, hand on her axe, only to realise it was a rogue nail sticking out the wall.

I can’t wait to be back in the Palace, she thought. She was skittish, the lack of incidents making her paranoid and pushing her further towards the edge of insanity, so she took a deep breath to calm herself.

For the next hour or so, Tamar maintained her stoic watch in the dimly lit corridor, standing so still anyone passing might have thought her a statue (one particularly drunk customer did as he passed on his way to his room, commenting on the strange decor of the inn). She was just thinking idly about things that needed doing the next morning when the handle to Nikolai’s room twisted.

Immediately on high alert, her hands formed the motions she needed, but frowned when she only felt one steady heartbeat that she recognised as the King’s. The door opened, and Tamar held her breath as a figure shuffled out cautiously.

Saints, can they really not leave each other alone?

Her thoughts were cut off when she realised that her king was on all fours, two dark shapes protruding out of his back.

The demon was here.

But why now? she thought, confusion lacing her expression again. And why isn’t it attacking?

The demon had never just… walked around like this before, and Tamar was torn between fetching Zoya and Tolya or just watching and waiting to see what would happen. Peering through the open door, Tamar was startled to find the bed stripped, the pillows and sheets on the floor. Nothing looked damaged (thankfully, she didn’t feel like compensating the owners for any damage), and her confusion only grew.

It was moving again, having stopped briefly to stare up at her with voids of black shining out in place of the usual blue. It had put its nose in the air as it sniffed around for something and, seemingly finding what it had been looking for (smelling for?), Tamar tensed, hoping that it wasn’t hungry for Heartrender. She was surprised again when it turned to Y/N’s room instead and opened the door (and since when could it open doors?), going inside while still on all fours, wings trailing behind. The demon’s claws clacked on the wooden floorboards, and Tamar followed a few paces behind, still monitoring the situation.

It shuffled closer to Y/N’s bed, pausing every few steps to check she was still sleeping and it hadn't woken her up, then reached up to pull back the cover from her face when it stopped next to the bed.

“What are you doing?” Tamar muttered to herself, hands fluttering nervously at her sides, torn between her axes and her powers. The demon pulled the whole cover off, then with surprising gentleness lifted Y/N out of the bed. It paused again, reaching a few clawed fingers out to grab a hold of her duvet, then set off slowly in the direction of the door where Tamar was stood. She hurried out of the way, not wanting anything to trigger an attack on her or the Queen, and it paid her no attention as it trudged slowly back to Nikolai’s room.

Tamar knocked lightly on Zoya and Tolya’s doors, hoping it would be enough to wake them up but not alert the demon. A few moments later a bleary-eyed General appeared, blue robe wrapped around her body and her hair mussed from sleep, clearly unimpressed. Tolya didn’t appear for another five minutes, finding the two women stood outside the King’s bedroom door, gaping at the scene in front of them.

“Why did you have to wake me up?” Tolya grumbled quietly. “I was having an excellent dream wher-“ He didn’t get to finish since Tamar had slapped a hand over his mouth, the demon staring at them, teeth bared at the disturbance. He removed her hand, eyes wide.

“What the…”

The demon was still growling slightly at them, a low rumble in its throat, when a murmur came from the pile of sheets in the middle of the floor. It snapped its head round to Y/N, noticing that she was waking up. She rubbed her eyes, and Tamar held her breath.

"Wha-"

“Don’t move too much, alright?” She said to her Queen in a whisper. Y/N was sat in the weird pillow-and sheet-nest that the demon had made (and was now making little alterations to, pulling folds out to be just right), staring at the demon that had taken over her husband’s body.

“What… Tamar? Zoya? What’s going on? Is he… is this normal?” She stiffened when the demon came back to her side and pushed her gently back into the pillows, then moved to lie down next to her, one arm circling her waist as it pulled her back against its chest.

“This is… to be honest, we don’t know what’s going on. This has never happened before. Tolya and I will monitor from here for the rest of the night,” -at his disgruntled sound she elbowed him in the ribs- “and you won’t leave our sight.”

She nodded, eyes still wide in fear and surprise. Zoya offered a few words of comfort to her friend before going back to bed, and Tamar and her brother settled in for the rest of the night.

---

Sunlight filtered through the curtains, bringing Y/N out of her slumber. At the feel of a warm body underneath her, she panicked, remembering the demon from the night before, but when her eyes opened to land on her very much demon-less husband, she let out a soft sigh of relief. Looking around at the room, she noticed that the twins had disappeared, having left a note next to the couple saying 'Gone to get people up and moving, back in 30'.

Nikolai woke then, rubbing his eye with blackened fingers before groaning in slight pain at their position.

"Why, in the name of all the Saints, does my back hurt so much?" He croaked out, and Y/N couldn't help but giggle.

"Maybe because we're on the floor?" Nikolai's eyes went wide, his head whipping around to take a proper look at where they were, and then he seemed to register the fact that she was with him.

"Wait... did we have passionate and mind-blowing sex that was so good it gave me amnesia? Because that would be a tragedy and we might have to-"

"NO!" she shouted, using a nearby pillow to whack him in the face as her cheeks went red and her mind filled in the rest of his sentence. "Why does your mind always go there? No, you um... the demon got lonely and wanted a hug?" She didn't mean for it to end in a question, but she still wasn't entirely sure herself what had happened the night before. Her husband stared at her, blinking a few times. When he spoke his voice was smaller than she'd ever heard it before.

"Did I hurt you?" His hand had been reaching up to cup her face, but now Nikolai hesitated in anticipation. She gently took it and guided it to her cheek, leaning in to the warmth of his palm.

"No, Kolya, you didn't hurt me. I think it genuinely just got lonely or something. Made this weird nest thing on the floor, which on a side note, I'd love to get into to research the behaviours of- wait, why are you staring at me like that?" Her nose wrinkled as she took in his expression, then smoothed out when he leaned up to kiss her.

"You definitely can't be too traumatised from being accosted by my other half if you want to research its behaviours, darling. I'm just glad you're okay."

"I thought I was your other half? What, does our marriage mean nothing to you anymore?" she joked, pleased when he cracked a smile. She could get drunk on his smiles, the ones that were specifically for her; they were like the sun to her.

"Sorry, darling," he replied, and Saints, she'd said that she didn't like being called the pet name, but it was really doing things to her. She hadn't missed how Nikolai had continually called her 'darling' since that carriage ride, and she also hadn't missed how he'd responded when the bump in the road threw her on to him.

Just like how she now didn't miss his smile turning wolfish moments before he gripped her waist lightly and flipped her on her back. She squealed, which turned into a muffled moan when he pressed his lips and body against hers. Y/N was completely certain that everybody knew they were making out in the carriage rides and basically any other opportunity they got, but she couldn't bring herself to care when he felt like heaven.

Her arms circled around him, pulling him closer, and when he came up for air he asked "Is this alright, Y/N?" and she could have died right there at how gentle he was being.

"This is definitely alright, Nikolai." She brought him back in, and this time some of their restraint had slipped away, tongues deepening the kiss. One of his arms was propping him up and playing with a strand of her hair; the other was caressing her side, toying with the hem of her night shirt, his fingers grazing her bare skin underneath. Her own hands were exploring the expanse of his back (which she totally hadn't already memorised) and moving through his hair, and she'd lifted a leg to wrap around his waist. She moaned again when he moved the hand that was stroking her side to grip her thigh tightly instead, and when she arched her body up in response, hips pressing into his, they groaned into each other's skin at the contact, at feeling everything so closely. Nikolai had moved onto her neck, leaving kisses down it, occasionally nipping at the skin and testing her reactions, staying in one place for longer when he got one he liked. Her mind was a mess, what with his hands stroking her neck and thigh (the latter getting progressively higher as time went on), but did manage to think about how maybe they would be having mind-blowing sex. No sooner than she'd had that thought, however, was Nikolai pulling away, hair mussed from where her hands had been running through and pulling it, lips swollen and pupils blown. She was sure she looked the same, although he wasn't frowning at the lack of contact.

"Why... what..." she swallowed, trying to get her breath back and her thoughts in some sort of order.

"I don't think- I can't..." he paused, doing the same as her and taking deep breaths, and for a moment she panicked, thinking he didn't want this, didn't want her, but then when he spoke she didn't know why she'd worried in the first place.

"I refuse to let the first time I make love to you be on the floor of someone else's bedroom, Y/N, no matter how badly I want you right now."

Saints, this man.

She swallowed again, nodding slightly, then whined - what was she, a puppy? - when he started to get up and move away from her. At the sound Nikolai hesitated, then planted a final kiss on her lips as a promise that 'this will continue' before leaving to get changed. She watched him go, and when Genya inevitably asked when the party got back, Y/N would say that she was most definitely not staring at his ass as he left the room.

~~~

Breakfast passed quickly, and there was a flurry of activity as everybody packed things up for the final stretch of the journey, energy renewed at the knowledge that they'd be sleeping in their own beds tonight. Y/N had taken a little extra time to cool her face that morning, hoping the cold water would help reduce the swelling in her lips before coming downstairs. Tamar had come over in the food hall at one point, checking in on her and asking questions about the night before in a quiet voice.

"Seriously, Tamar, I'm fine. No marks or bruises. Like I said to Nik I'm pretty sure the demon was just feeling lonely, especially since Nik and I have spent the last week or so sharing a bed. Probably just wanted to make sure I was okay."

"That's... not what normally happens," she replied with a frown. "But if you're not hurt, then I guess it's alright."

Within the next ten minutes the touring party had packed up and were on the move, and now Y/N was sat opposite Nikolai in the carriage, knees knocking with his. He was looking out the window, clearly lost in thought as he absentmindedly stroked his fingers over the back of her hand, his wedding ring cool against her warm skin.

"I'm glad it's you," she said. He dragged himself out of his reverie, blinking a few times as he took in what she had said.

"What do you mean, darling?"

"I mean I'm glad that it was you I had to marry."

"I'm glad too, Y/N," he replied with a smile. "Unfortunately I can't take any credit for the decision-making process, although I definitely would have picked you," the last part was said with a wink and a grin as he looked her up and down, making Y/N's cheeks heat up, but she couldn't help but frown at what had come before.

"But I thought that you were the one that picked me to marry you?" she asked, confusion lacing her voice. "When I asked Zoya why I was the one that had to marry you, she just said that I'd 'been chosen'."

"I thought she'd told you? I let the Triumvirate pick, I trust their judgement and I was rather busy trying to convince everyone that the last thing we needed was a civil war and to let me be king."

Y/N was quiet for a minute, thinking.

"I think... I think she didn't tell me that you didn't have any part in it so that she could reduce my stress about the whole thing. It's fair, really; if I thought that you didn't want anything to do with me I probably would have run away or something."

"Good job she didn't, then. I quite like having you around. And as far as whether or not I would have picked you, I think I would. The people clearly love you, and you're going to be an excellent Queen to Ravka because of how much you clearly love them. Sure, court will be difficult, trying to get the nobles properly on side, but I know that you can do it, because you love Ravka and her people and you'll do what you need to to protect them."

"I... thank you, Nikolai. That... that means a lot to me," she swallowed down the lump in her throat at his sincerity.

"I think I've come up with a way to launch the garden project you were talking about, too. We can start making plans tomorrow, if you like?"

"That would be perfect, Kolya."

He smiled back at her, hand still holding hers.

Hope had bloomed in her chest, and she let it grow. There wasn't much that could make this day much better than being here with him, and nothing could bring her mood down now.

Until the window shattered as an arrow shot through it, narrowly missing Nikolai's head.

Chapter 8

#i'm evil for this ending i'm sorry #i'll make it up to you in the next one #i promise <3 #nikolai lanstov x reader #grishaverse #netflix shadow and bone #nikolai lantsov #nikolai x reader #nikolai lanstov x y/n #nikolai x y/n

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coldercreation · 3 months

Text

PSA:

If you have related to how I have described Nathan’s struggles with his mental health and some experiences with life; emotional, physical and social etc (ignore the story/his fam background for this; I mean if you have been able to relate to his feelings/anxiety/negative physical sensations etc.)

Might be worth it to get your blood checked.

Especially B12, Vitamin D, Iron levels and Ferritin (ferritin should be 100+).

Building on top of the character, character background, and my research into trauma / mental health etc, I have always used a lot of my personal experience when describing emotions, feelings, and how mental health issues can feel like or present. It’s my attempt to make the writing feel realistic, had I experienced the things in the story or not. Aka even if the story was high fantasy and thus not realistic, I’d source my own feelings to make it ‘real’.

So. Regardless of what's causing it in the story: If you have ever related to how Nathan FEELS or describes his experience with the world and his brain… (Anxiety, depression, chronic fatigue, feeling like an outsider/in a fishbowl, easily overwhelmed or over tired; social withdrawal, social anxiety, heart palpitations, chest pains, breathlessness, dissociation, irritability, issues with cognitive function; memory, overthinking, insomnia, brain fog, panic attacks, slow recovery from physical activity, etc etc et fucking c)

Turns out bish has been chronically deficient of many things for a very long time due to stomach issues that stopped nutrients from absorbing. Antidepressants have never successfully worked for me, and it’s now looking like that’s because my mental health stuff could've largely been a physical symptom, instead of just purely mental health??

I have been on a pile of supplements for a bit now and uhh… It’s like night and day? Even with the other health stuff I've been getting treated for, it's been... So much better?? Like. Life changing amount of difference?? And I’m only just starting out fixing these deficiencies, which could take a long time. But...

Holy shit, “Better” might actually be a real thing after all?? There was a reason I've been so "stuck"???

Kind of mad… And sad. Because if this is true and I keep feeling like I have been recently, it means I’ve lost a lot of time to this. I try to focus on how good I’ve been feeling though, and stay curious for this journey of what literally feels like a second chance at life.

Just… Wanted to post this in case it could help someone else. This is a highly personal experience, mental health issues absolutely exist on their own too and there's possibly often overlap as well. But stuff like this can make existing mental health conditions worse too, so either way it’s worth checking.

Yeah. So.

Happy new year?

From someone who might be pulling a whole Phoenix moment???? xx

#Apologies for the silence here #Been going through a lot if you can imagine lol #I have a bunch of asks and messages to catch up to #I'm so sorry for taking forever #It might take me a bit longer still but I promise I'll get back on here at some point hopefully soon #Your messages mean so much to me<3 #Take care everyone <3 #Also #the description of Nathan's experience could and would still be rather accurate #even if you don't have these physical health issues!!#Depression and anxiety etc from a deficiency is still depression and anxiety #+ when I write Nathan I have a set of mental health “maps” or “guides” for his character (like C-PTSD and CEN and OCD)#Yes I use my own feelings and experiences to describe his anxiety etc #But his character is built around specific mental health markers / trauma research / symptoms etc (like C-PTSD and CEN and OCD)#So I'm pretty sure Nathan's POV would still look very similar based on just that research and ignoring the stuff in this post #Hope this all makes sense :'o

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delta-piscium · 1 year

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part 2 | this is part two to this from Steve's perspective leading up to and including part one | cw unresolved angst [unfinished/for now not being worked on]

31 days until moving day.

Steve burst through the door to Family Video, swinging it open with way too much force.

Robin jumps and opens her mouth, probably to tell him off for scaring her but he speaks before she gets the chance.

“Eddie asked me to move to Chicago with him,” he blurts out, “Robin, he asked me to go with him.”

Her eyes widen, “what did you say?”

“That I’d go, of course,” he huffs. Like it’s even a question? like not going was ever an option?

Robin jumps over the counter squealing and hugs him so tight breathing becomes a little bit hard.

“I’m moving away with Eddie,” he whispers into her hair, awed as he hugs her back. She somehow squeezes him even tighter and they stay like that for a minute until they have to actually do their jobs.

An hour passes and Robin keeps shooting him contemplative looks.

“What?” He finally snaps after getting tired of waiting for her to say what she wants to say herself.

She jumps again like she didn’t realize how obvious she was being, which honestly, she probably didn’t.

“Nothing, nothing.”

“Robin,” he whines.

“Okay, just,” she scrunches her face up a bit and Steve knows that face, she’s trying to figure out how to say something to him she thinks he’ll react badly to.

He narrows his eyes at her, bracing himself, “yes?”

“I think you and Eddie are great together, and like I love you both and I am excited for you guys. You know that right?”

Steve nods, doesn’t say anything though, wants her to get to the point.

“I’m just also, maybe, a little bit worried.”

Steve’s eyebrows draw together, “what do you mean?”

Robin is looking around nervously. Something heavy starts to form in Steve’s stomach.

“You haven’t been together for very long and this is a big step. I just don’t wanna see either of you get hurt you know? I guess I’m just wondering if you’ve talked it all through? Because both of you have a tendency to jump into things without thought.”

They haven’t talked it through, not really. Eddie asked Steve to move, he said yes and that was pretty much it. It didn’t feel like they needed to talk it through though? Did they? Usually, they just dealt with things as they became relevant, that had worked for them so far.

Robin must see something on his face because she quickly talks again, backtracking and interrupting his thoughts.

“Not that I don’t think it will be great, you know I just worry about things a lot. This is my anxiety talking. You know what, ignore everything I just said. You two know what you’re doing.”

He doesn’t want her to know she’s already put doubts in his head so even though he’s starting to freak out a little he smiles and shakes his head.

“It’s fine Rob, I’m sure we will talk more with time.”

22 days until moving day.

Steve meant it when he said he and Eddie would talk. Meant to ask about the logistics, meant to make sure they were on the same page, he really did. But every time the move comes up Eddie just seems so sure about it already. Steve doesn’t want to make him think he’s having second thoughts. Thinks maybe it’s better to not say anything, to wait and let it come up naturally.

He thinks maybe they’ll talk about it tonight. The kids had joked about them all evening, about how fast they were moving.

Mike had made some snarky comment about them moving to a city where they knew no one and how awkward it would be if they crashed and burned and they’d have to share a bedroom.

Eddie had laughed, said it was good they weren’t gonna crash and burn then. But, he’d also added that his band was also going so actually he would know people.

It was just jokes, Steve knew that. That didn’t make it any less true though. Steve wouldn’t have anyone except Eddie, sure he liked the guys in his band but they weren’t his friends. Steve would have Eddie and Eddie would have his band. It suddenly seemed like a big deal.

He expects Eddie to also feel it, to get worried and bring it up but he doesn’t. If he is worried he isn’t saying anything, just like Steve isn’t.

8 days until moving day.

There’s a knock on Steve's door and when he opens Gareth is standing there. Steve is a lot confused about it but lets him in.

“Uh,” he starts a little unsure, “do you want anything to drink or?” He offers, mostly because he doesn’t know what else to say or do.

Gareth shakes his head, looking about as uncomfortable as Steve feels. Shuffling around where he’s standing and fiddling with the sleeve of his shirt. “No, I’m gonna leave again soon. I just came here to say something.”

Steve gestures for him to speak, “I’m listening.”

Gareth doesn’t immediately say anything, he shuffles some more and looks around the room before his eyes land on Steve again, a determined look in them.

“Look, I like you. I know Eddie loves you.”

Steve can’t help but smile a little at that, even though he’s starting to suspect he’s in for a shovel talk.

“And like, I probably wouldn’t do this if it weren’t for the fact that you haven’t dated for very long at all and are about to move in together in a city four hours away.”Gareth pauses and waits to speak again until Steve nods, showing he’s listening.

“Eddie does things without thinking. He doesn’t think about the consequences, not anything, just does. I love that about him, it’s the reason our band has gotten anywhere at all, but it also means that he gets hurt a lot, disappointed a lot. He can handle it with most things, he won’t be able to handle it with you.”

“What are you saying?” Steve asks even though he’s pretty sure he already knows.

Gareth looks pained but continues, “I’m saying that if you aren’t one hundred percent sure about moving with him, if you have any doubts at all, you can’t go.”

Steve can’t suppress his flinch. He expected Gareth to say he needed to be sure, that if he wasn’t he needed to tell Eddie. He wasn’t expecting him to say he shouldn’t, no, couldn’t go.

Gareth catches it and narrows his eyes, “I mean it Steve, it will break him more if you go, let him think it’s gonna work and then leave, then if you don’t go at all.” He steps closer to Steve, getting into his space. “So, if you’re not absolutely sure,” he pauses, steps even closer, “Do. Not. Go.” He punctuates every word and then he turns on his heel and leaves.

6 days until moving day.

Steve needs to talk with Eddie about it now, can’t ignore it anymore. He isn’t gonna just not go like Gareth told him to do. No, he’ll talk to Eddie and it will be fine.

They’re in his bed together, laying next to each other. Skin touching skin and a comfortable silence between them. Now is as good a time as any.

“Hey, Eddie?”

“Mhh?” He hums, shifting slightly next to him.

“What happens if something goes wrong when we move?”

Eddie snorts, “what? Like if we get a flat wheel? I know how to change a wheel, sweetheart.”

Steve smiles despite his nerves, tries to not imagine what Eddie would look like changing a wheel.

“Good to know, but no, not quite what I meant.”

Next to him, Eddie props himself up on his elbow so he can properly look at Steve.

“What did you mean?” He reaches out and tucks a strand of hair behind Steve’s ear as he speaks. Steve has to focus harder than he’d like to admit to not get lost in it. Even the smallest touches have an effect on him when it’s Eddie.

“What if something happens with us?” His voice is small and he can’t look at Eddie, afraid of what his reaction might be. “Remember that thing Mike said about us not really knowing anyone there? Just, what would happen?”

“Baby,” Eddie gently grabs Steve’s chin with his thumb and forefinger, tilting his face towards him. Steve easily follows but closes his eyes.

“Baby, please look at me,” Eddie’s voice is even softer than before, and Steve has always been weak when it comes to Eddie asking him to do things so he slowly blinks his eyes open.

“There you are,” he smiles, face open and tendrils of hair falling around it. He looks angelic and Steve almost forgets what they are talking about, too overwhelmed by the man next to him.

Eddie keeps them on track though.

“Like I told Mike, nothing will happen. We will be fine. But,” he continued before Steve can protest, “if something does, we both have jobs already, we’ve done this right. We will be able to save eventually. Quicker because we’re two people, paying rent and all that stuff on two salaries. If something happens we will have that security.”

Steve relaxes then and Eddie must see it because he grins and continues, “now if you didn’t have a job then I’d be worried. I’m not cut out for all the responsibility of being the breadwinner, princess.”

Steve groans and shoves Eddie away. Mostly to hide the blush he can feel creeping up his face just from Eddie calling him princess. Judging by the way Eddie cackles he doesn’t have to see Steve blush to know the effect it has on him.

He reaches out and pulls Steve in against his chest. “Worst case scenario we have to move back. Wayne will probably pretend to be unhappy about it but he’ll let me take over his trailer again. And, I know you have complicated feelings about this house, that your parents are the worst, but you’ll be able to come back if you need to.”

“Okay,” Steve says, his worries mostly calmed.

1 day until moving day.

Steve and Eddie are spending the night apart. Eddie wanting to spend his last night with Wayne and both of them needing to do some last minute packing.

Just as he finishes closing one of the last boxes the phone rings, he’s a bit confused about who would call him right now. His friends all having seen him earlier in the day to say goodbye. Maybe Eddie needs to double-check what time they decided to leave.

He picks up but it’s not Eddie, or even one of the kids, who speaks.

“Steven,” his mother's shrill voice crackles on the other end of the line.

“Hi mom,” he tries to hide his sigh as he speaks, doesn’t have the energy to get into anything with her right now, doesn’t want her to ruin his excitement.

“I thought you were moving to Chicago alone?”

His freezes, when he told his parents he was gonna move he didn’t say he was going alone but he also didn’t mention Eddie. He knew they wouldn’t like it, knew it would be easier to let them assume he was going by himself.

“But I just got off a call with Mrs. Hagan and she told me that Tommy had said you were moving there with- with that cult boy? The one who’s wanted for murder?”

Steve closes his eyes and this time he doesn’t bother hiding his sigh. Fucking Tommy, he’s always had a big mouth but Steve suspects that this hadn’t been him blabbering without thinking. No, Steve thinks Tommy knew exactly what he was doing telling his mom this piece of information.

“His name is Eddie, and he was cleared of all charges. The ‘cult’ was literally just a school club.”

“So it’s true? You’re moving with him?” Her voice is sharp and even just hearing it over the phone makes him flinch.

“Yeah, we’re friends and it’s cheaper that way. We got a better apartment because we’re two people with a job each.” It’s such a simplification of the truth it’s almost a lie but Steve doesn’t think this is the time to come out to her. He hopes the ‘better apartment’ comment will calm her, it’s the sort of thing she cares about after all. Not for his safety and comfort though but for how it will reflect on her.

He’s not sure she actually hears him though because she hisses a vicious, “If you move with him you will not be welcome back Steven, this will be the last time we speak.” Before she hangs up on him.

Steve carefully places the phone back in its cradle, then he’s left standing alone in the living room, both too shocked to move and not really shocked at all.

He’s not close to his parents. Has slowly been understanding just how much they’ve neglected him. He’s been relieved about moving away, about being in another city where he won’t have to see them when they waltz back into town. But to never speak to them again? That’s a whole different thing. He still hoped that they’d be able to fix their relationship. That him not being dependent on them anymore would allow him to stand up for himself. That everything would get better. Now instead, the thing he thought would allow their relationship to get better is gonna destroy it forever.

He debates calling Eddie, wants to tell him what his mom just said, wants to hear his voice, wants to let him make it better. He decides against it, he doesn’t wanna ruin Eddie’s last night with Wayne and he’ll see him tomorrow anyway. He can tell him in the car.

He doesn’t call Robin either, she’ll insist on coming over and he knows she’s on a date with Nancy right now. He doesn’t wanna ruin that either, even though both of them will tell him he’s not, he knows he will be. He goes to bed instead, sleep seems like the best option right now, at least he won’t have to think if he’s asleep.

Moving day.

He ended up not really sleeping at all. Tossing and turning for hours and after finally falling asleep sometime in the early morning he wakes up just hours later from a nightmare. He doesn’t remember what it was about but can feel the lingering panic. He gives up on getting any more sleep, doesn’t wanna risk more nightmares when he’s alone.

He picks at his breakfast, still thrown off from the conversation with his mom the night before and not feeling like eating, so he gives up on that too. He spends the rest of the morning wandering around, touching the walls and the furniture in the house he grew up in. The house he’s been left alone in since he was nine. The house he both hates and loves. The house he will never be allowed to return to after today.

Then the phone rings again, it’s probably his mom calling to ask if he’s decided to stay he thinks. It’s not, it turns out.

“Hi I’m Patricia, I’m looking for Steve Harrington?” A chipper voice says.

“This is him.”

“Okay well, good. I’m calling about a barista job you’re supposed to start with us next week.”

“Yeah?” Steve chews on his cheek.

“I’m so sorry but due to our rent being raised we’re having to do cutbacks. Since you haven’t signed your contract with us yet, it’s the first one to go.”

“You’re firing me?” Steve asks, it’s not entirely right since he hasn’t started yet but it’s all he can think to say.

“Essentially,” Patricia responds, “I’m sorry for the short notice.”

“Okay,” he says, his voice void of emotion, “thank you for calling.”

He hangs up without waiting for a response, he doesn’t have the energy to be polite.

He barely has time to let the information sink in before his doorbell rings. Eddie on the other side of the door with a wide grin on his face.

“Did you oversleep?” He jokes.

Steve’s confused for a second but then he realizes he’s still in his pajamas, that he’s spent the whole morning wandering around like a ghost in his house not getting any of the things he needed to do done.

He hasn’t packed the bag of all his essentials. He hasn’t gotten dressed. He hasn’t even brushed his teeth. What he has done is get fired from a job he never even started.

He sees Eddie’s teasing smile, the combination of it and his sudden joblessness tugs at something in his brain, brings back the conversation they had last week.

“Now, if you didn’t have a job then I’d be worried. I’m not cut out for all the responsibility of being the breadwinner princess.”

He doesn’t have a job. He’ll have to live off Eddie and what little savings he has left. Become a responsibility Eddie doesn’t want, a burden probably.

“Worst case scenario we move back”, “you’ll be able to come back if you need to.”

If he leaves now he won’t be able to come back.

Gareths words play back in his mind too.

“if you have any doubts at all, you can’t go.”, “it will break him more if you go, let him think it’s gonna work and then leave, then if you don’t go at all.”

“I’m not going,” Steve hears himself say as he steps back from the hand Eddie reaches out to him.

“You’re not-“ Eddie looks so confused. “Like today? Do you need extra time? We can postpone by a couple of days but-“

He’s not getting it. Steve interrupts him, needs to make him understand because he can’t listen to him try to come up with solutions.

“No, Eddie. I’m not going it all.”

The words feel wrong in his mouth but he forces them out anyways.

“What do you mean?” Eddie asks and it fucking ruins him. He feels his carefully blank expression break, despair showing through.

“I can’t leave Hawkins, the kids,” he has to look away from Eddie as he says this. Knows it’s the only thing Eddie won’t question, knows Eddie thinks he doesn’t mean as much to Steve as the kids do. “They need me.”

“When did you decide you weren’t going?” Eddie asks and Steve didn’t know it was possible but he breaks even more from that, from Eddie not fighting him.

I didn’t, he thinks, I don’t know why I’m saying this now. If you ask me to stop and just go with you I will.

“A couple of days ago,” he lies.

It’s silent then, just their breathing and the distant sound of cars down the street being heard. Eventually, Eddie breaks it.

“Steve?”

His voice cracks in the middle. Steve can hear the plea for him to take it all back and he nearly does, has to swallow the words creeping up his throat before they get out.

“I’m sorry,” he says instead. He turns around, closing the door behind him. Destroying their future and breaking the last bit of his heart in the process.

He doesn’t get more than two steps into the house before his legs give out beneath him. He stays there, sitting on the floor for what feels like forever.

After some time he hears a car drive away and he knows Eddie has left. He feels silent tears start streaming down his face that soon turns into sobs. Making him curl in on himself and gasp for air.

He doesn’t know how long he stays there, crying until he can’t anymore and then just sitting there. But after a while, he’s interrupted by a loud ringing. For the third time in less than twenty-four hours he picks up the god-forsaken phone.

“Hello?” He rasps, his voice dull and raw from crying.

“Steven. You made the right decision and stayed I take it?” His mother asks.

“Yes.” He says and hangs up on her.

#happy ending never got written but they end up happy and maybe on day i'll return to this and write it #once again i apologize for any typos mistakes in general etc I've read through it I swear #part one is like 800 words and this is over 3k idk what happened okay #actually i do i had to fit in more scenes #so uh yeah #there will still be a happy ending i promise but now you get where steve is coming from which is mainly a panic attack tbh #steve baby do not make big decisions while mid anxiety shut down #also talk to people <3 #eddie you know better than to reassure someone because you both have jobs? what are you doing???#it's 5am i swear if this does not show up in the tags ill cry #steddie #steddie ficlet #steve harrington #eddie munson #stranger things #my writing #my post #steddie angst #dels steddie thoughts

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