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prettynice8 · 5 months

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Kinkmas Day 15: Bondage

Pairing: Kento Nanami x male reader

This guy

Warnings: Kissing, marking, smashing, creampie, overstimulation, kind of mean Nanami, already boyfriends, BDSM? bondage DUH.

Word count: 723

Jesus Christ when was he getting home? The worst part of marrying a sorcerer was by far the unpredictable hours. You weren't worried about him; you never really were. Nanami could kill most cursed spirits easy, and it was after five 'o'clock so even more likely that he's fine, you were just mad that he wasn't here yet. He said he was going to show up at 5, but it is now 7 and still not even a text.

"Fucking asshole." Is what you said when your boyfriend finally walks through the door.

"Who is?" He asked, utterly confused as to what he walked into. You give him a bitter look.

"You." You stated sharply, "You said you were going to be here by five. IT'S SEVEN NOW!"

"I'm sorry dear but I can't see the future, there was a large amount of particularly difficult curses I had to deal with." He apologized, bringing you in for a hug, but you pull away.

"I do not care, if it took you an extra two hours to come home, then you should be dead." You stated coldly, "So what's the T."

"Fine, I can't lie to you, I went to the bar afterwards." He confessed, slowly walking towards you, you don't back away, admittedly wanting to feel his touch. "I am sorry for deceiving you, I just needed to relax, I was battling curses until 5:30."

"Why didn't you come to me?" You asked, tears beginning to well in your eyes, a sense of inadequacy welling up inside. Nanami realizes this and goes over to you, trapping you in a loving embrace, it was then when he got an idea.

"Hey." He said, trying to get your attention. "I have an idea on how to make you feel better." He said seductively, and a smirk to match.

You were surprised with what he meant until he picked you up bridal style and led you into the bedroom, neatly placing you on the bed. He follows suit by going on top of you, roughly kissing your lip while also rubbing his already hard and clothed cock on yours.

You both the switch to pulling off your clothes, longing to feel each other. You pull him in for another kiss, mouth already open, which he takes full advantage of, sticking his tongue in, dominating yours.

Your arms reach out to touch him, needing to feel him as close as possible... and he stops you. Your stunned, shocked, surprised, confused, why would he stop you? Your answer is soon given when he ties up your hands to the bed post with his tie.

You thrash around, trying to break free from your bindings but to no avail. All you can do is lay there while he blows your back out, not that you're necessarily complaining.

"Well, that didn't take much convincing." He exclaimed, smirking.

"We literally did this last Tuesday, it's not like we're college students experimenting for the first time." You stated sassily.

He shuts you right up by thrusting into you out of nowhere and without warning, practically giving you whiplash. You try to wrap your arms around his neck, but the constraints making it impossible.

Nanami shoves into you rapidly, giving you no chance to breath. He slides in easily enough though, after all he has pounded into you many a time. His hand goes to pump your hard dick that's spilling your pre cum, messily fondling it in his hand.

He starts to sync up his hand with his thrusts, matching it perfectly as he brutally pounds into your ass hole, while his hand is steadily pumping your cock. During all of this his lips are attacking your nipples, sucking on the right one while his tongue is lazily licking over the bud.

Your hands pull at his tie that's connecting you to the bed frame, needing to feel him, release right over the horizon.

"Please Nanami." you begged, "Please I need this."

"Fine, you've been good enough." He said, giving into your begging untying the knot on your hands.

Your arms instantly go to pull him into a passionate kiss, finally sending over the edge. Nanami follows close after, giving you one last peck on the lips before cumming in your ass.

You fall asleep in his arms, finally being able to hold him.

THE END

Notes: Fuck jjk again.

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loveroftoomanyfandoms · 9 months

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Cooking Up Love, Chapter 2

Pairing: Chef!Matt Murdock x F!Journalist!Reader

Rating: T (for now, might change, might not)

Story Summary: Here

Warnings/Tags: Hallmark levels of fluffy, cheesy goodness (and speed that their relationship develops, lol), no use of Y/N, Matt is not a vigilante, he is a bit of a dick though, more tags to come as the story develops

Word Count: ~1800 (literally double last chapter, lol)

A/N: Thank you to everyone who liked and commented on the first chapter! If you'd like to be added to the tag list, please don't hesitate to ask!

And thanks so much to @theradioactivespidergwen for the adorable divider!

Tag List: @yarrystyleeza @hailey-murdock @mattkinsella @bellaxgiornata @danzer8705

You checked your smartwatch for the time as you rushed down the sidewalk towards Daredevil. Your GPS had told you that it'd be faster to walk there from the Bulletin than take a cab given the time of day, but you were starting to wonder if maybe you should've taken your chances.

You breathed a sigh of relief as you spotted the restaurant up ahead then slowed a bit so you could catch your breath before reaching the entrance. Okay. It's fine, I'm on time, I got this.

You looked up at the restaurant. Daredevil was displayed in dark red lettering above the entranceway, with different patterns of dots underneath each letter. Huh. Interesting choice.

You reached for the door handle and pulled, only to find it locked. Shit.

You looked at the sign next to the door.

Hours of Operation:

Sunday: 11 AM - 2 PM

Monday: Closed

Tuesday - Thursday 5 PM - 10 PM

Friday - Saturday: 5 PM - 12 AM

You reached into your purse to call the restaurant… only to realize that you had left your cell phone sitting on your dresser at home.

You sighed. Great.

"Can I help you?"

You turned as a pretty blonde-haired woman walked up and unlocked the door. "Oh, um, yeah, I hope so."

You dug a business card out of your wallet and handed it to her. "I'm with the New York Bulletin . I'm supposed to be interviewing Chef Murdock in a minute, but I left my phone at home so I'm unable to let him know I'm here."

The woman's eyebrows raised as she looked at your business card. "You're interviewing Matt?"

"Um, yes?"

The woman narrowed her eyes at you suspiciously. "Just a second, I'll be right back."

You waited as the woman went inside and locked the door behind her.

A few minutes later she returned and unlocked the door, this time with a friendly smile on her face.

She held the door open for you. "Come on in."

"Thanks." You stepped inside.

"I'm Karen," the woman said. "I run front-of-house."

"Nice to meet you," you replied.

Karen led you to a table near the right corner of the front entrance. "Matt'll be right out. Can I get you something to drink in the meantime?"

You shook your head. "Oh, no thank you, I'm fine."

"Okay, if you change your mind, let me know."

"I will, thank you."

You took your notepad and pen out of your purse, silently cursing yourself again for leaving your phone -- which was your only audio recording device -- on your dresser.

Since you couldn't even continue your brief research on Chef Murdock while you waited, you looked around instead.

The walls were all painted a soft white with the exception of the back wall, which was exposed brick with a built-in fireplace running along the middle of it. Side tables holding bottles of wine were the only choice of decor, giving the space a simplistic look.

You kind of liked it.

Ten minutes passed, then twenty… then thirty. What is the holdup, you thought to yourself. Surely he can't be that busy since they're not open for service yet .

You were just about to get up to go ask Karen if Chef Murdock had forgotten you were there when the kitchen door opened and Chef Murdock himself came strolling out.

His photo really hadn't done him justice -- his biceps strained against the sleeves of his chef's jacket and his jawline looked like it could cut glass.

Your eyes trailed up to his, which were hidden by the same red-tinted sunglasses he had been wearing in his photo.

You swallowed and stood as he approached, sticking your hand out for him to shake as you introduced yourself. "Mr. Murdock, thank you for meeting with me. I was told that you don't do interviews."

He ignored your hand and sat. "I don't usually, but it seems like this one was… unavoidable. And it's Chef Murdock. I didn't spend three and a half years in culinary school to be called Mr. "

You hesitated before sitting and looking down at your sparse notes. "Okay, well then. Um, Chef Murdock, I'd like to start with a few questions, if you don't mind."

"Mmm."

You took a deep breath. "Okay, so you're a Michelin star chef, correct?"

"Three."

You looked up at him again. "Excuse me?"

"I'm a three Michelin star chef."

"Oh. Um, excuse me." Asshole . "As a three Michelin star chef, what made you want to open a restaurant here in Hell's Kitchen? Why not somewhere like Manhattan?"

"I was born and raised here in the Kitchen."

You smiled up at him. "Oh, so do your parents still live here? They must be very proud."

Chef Murdock raised an eyebrow. "Well they probably would be, except my mother abandoned me as an infant and my father was murdered shortly after the accident that blinded me as a child, which you would know if you had bothered to do a modicum of research."

Your eyes widened, your smile quickly falling from your face. "Oh my God, I'm so sorry." That at least explained the glasses and the dots on the signage out front. It's Braille. "I had no idea, I --"

"-- didn't bother to come prepared, yes, that much is clear." Chef Murdock crossed his arms. "If this is the sort of unprofessionalism that everyone who works at the Bulletin shows, then I'm not sure I should be sitting down with one of their reporters. We're done here."

You opened your mouth to protest as Chef Murdock stood and stalked off, shocked that he had suddenly stopped the interview before it even had really started.

You stood and put your notepad and pen in your purse, fighting back tears. What the hell just happened?

This was the first time you had ever failed at an interview -- you were known for both your professionalism and your ability to get to know your subjects on a deeper, more personal level in order to get them to open up to you.

You headed back to the lobby of the restaurant, willing yourself to not cry while you were still in the building.

Karen smiled over at you. "All done?"

"Um, yeah," you mumbled. "Could you let me out, please?"

"Sure thing." Karen unlocked the door for you, looking at you curiously. "Hey, are you okay?"

You shook your head. "Fine, fine, just gotta go."

You pushed past her and exited the restaurant, waiting until you had made it into the alley next to it before you burst into tears.

Matt sighed as he took his glasses off and tossed them onto his desk. At least that's over . He hadn't gotten to where he was by half-assing anything and he certainly wasn't going to let anyone ruin what he had worked so hard to rebuild, especially some so-called 'journalist' who couldn't even bother to do some simple research before sitting down for an interview.

"What the hell did you do, Matt? Karen just told me that that journalist from the Bulletin just ran out of here practically in tears."

Matt looked up and crossed his arms in front of his chest as Foggy's familiar footsteps stopped in front of his office. "She came completely unprepared, Foggy. I wasn't going to waste my time sitting down with someone who couldn't even bother doing any sort of research before coming."

"That's because she hadn't had time to do any! The interview needed to happen right away because of deadlines and stuff for the paper so it got sprung on her at the last minute, just like I sprang it on you at the last minute."

He paused as Karen's footsteps approached. "Kare, do you still have Ms. Taylor's business card? Maybe we can try to salvage this."

Taylor? "Wait a minute, who?" Matt replied confusedly.

"Kelsie Taylor? The food writer from the Bulletin ?" Foggy sighed exasperatedly. Jesus, Matt, did you even try to remember her name?"

Matt shook his head, beginning to feel bad for being so harsh towards you. "That's not who she said she was."

"Matt's right, it definitely wasn't her," Karen added. "At least, that wasn't the name on the card she gave me."

"Who was she then?"

Matt said your name. "She did say she was with the Bulletin though."

"Her card's on the front podium," Karen said. "I'll go get it."

Foggy turned back to Matt as Karen left. "You never were going to do the interview, were you?"

Matt winced. The last time he had agreed to any kind of journalistic endeavor had ended in disaster and almost complete ruination of his culinary reputation, and quite honestly he was terrified of it happening again. "I was , but --"

Foggy groaned. "Don't even give me that bullshit, Matt. Do you know how hard I had to work to even get you that interview? They were going to give the front page to Fisk , of all people!"

Wilson Fisk, who owned Kingpin's, had been suspected of being behind several popular restaurants' sudden closures (more than one being due to 'mysterious' kitchen fires), as well as having bought most, if not all, of the positive hype and accolades he and his restaurant had received.

Matt scowled. He would be damned if he was going to let that bastard steal the spotlight out from underneath him. "Fisk? Really? He's not even a real chef! His sous comes up with most of his recipes, he just modifies it a bit and slaps his name on it."

"All the more reason for you to get that front page interview."

Matt heard Karen's footsteps approach again. "Got her card?"

"Yeah, it's right here," Karen replied.

Matt could smell the subtle scent of your perfume as Karen passed Foggy your business card -- something lightly floral with a hint of vanilla.

Foggy read your name off of your business card. "This says she's the Features writer."

Matt's brow furrowed. "Features? You said the food writer was doing the interview."

"I assumed she was but I guess since it was a front-page article they wanted someone else to do it." Foggy pulled his phone out of his pocket and tapped at his screen. "Hang on, I'm gonna pull up the Bulletin staff."

Matt waited as Foggy pulled up the list of staff then tapped on your name. "Is this her?" he asked Karen, presumably showing her your picture.

"Yeah, that's who it was," Karen replied.

Matt nodded as his watch beeped with the time. "We have to get ready to open, but I'm going to go over to the Bulletin 's office in the morning to see if I can talk to her and straighten everything out."

He just hoped you accepted his apology.

#lotmf writes #matt murdock x reader #matt murdock x fem!reader #matt murdock x female reader #matt murdock x you #chef!matt murdock #Cooking Up Love Masterlist

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anonymouspuzzler · 1 year

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Yay Yipee I Finally Remembered I Should Update Folks On Things That Are Happening

because hey whoops as some of you might remember Supposedly I Stream Sometimes! That Uhhhh Hasn't Happened In A While Has It! so I should probably let folks know what's goin' on!! the long and the short of it is

Around late November/early December I started having issues where Discord would crash and restart anytime I tried to screenshare my capture software with my friends who I stream with. This put console game streams (so 2/3 of the games we were streaming) on the backburner till I could troubleshoot and solve that issue

On top of that it was Fucking Finals Season for me at my Graduate School so at a certain point I had to be responsible and focus on getting my final projects & essays done, which meant sacrificing stream time till my break (where I would hopefully have time to troubleshoot and then do a ton of streaming to make up for lost time)

Except THEN literally the second I went home for the holidays my hard drive abruptly and completely died. It is very possible that this contributed to the aforementioned tech issues

I was able to replace the drive and get my computer working again but because I have a Fucking Curse a lot of tech-side things were lost or started experiencing issues due to the new drive, namely A) I haven't been able to get my capture software working yet and B) whoops my entire OBS layout is just gone now I guess

This whole saga, on top of juggling other life shit and work and the like, effectively ate up my entire winter break

so tl;dr! I have a computer curse and because of it streams are gonna have to wait till I can get both OBS and my capture software working again. I'm hoping to work on that this weekend so I can be back to streaming next week, but given my school & job workload I'm guessing it'll more likely be two or three weeks. On top of that, I won't be streaming most of March due to reason of "my partner is visiting then". all of this sucks cause I want to be streaming, both for reason of "i like spending time with my good friends doing this" and "haha whoops I'm not earning money now and oh boy there sure are a lot of expenses flying at my head like rocks huh".

I've already rambled a bit more than I'd like to now so here's da main points:

Streams will (HOPEFULLY) be back in February. When they are, they'll be Monday & Tuesday nights, 5:30pst/8:30est, for as long as my friends remain available at those times (we're all adults having to look for or maintain Day Jobs so availability could change. y'all know how it is). I may also do occasional one-off streams on weekends as my energy 'n schedule permits, most likely art streams

I'll continue to be around on Holly's streams Fri/Sat/Sun as her schedule permits, because I don't have to rebuild OBS from the ground up for that

There is a 99.99% chance I'll be totally absent stream-wise during March

Even though streams are facing The Troubles I am still taking art commissions! Those haven't been affected!! You can submit an interest form here and I'll reach out to confirm prices as soon as I'm ready to start work on yours

If, out of the kindness of your heart, you would like to toss some support my way during The Troubles (which would be much appreciated; as said I've got a lot of expenses coming my way and unfortunately my day job covers my rent and nothing more), here are some other ways you can do so: -- Tip me on Ko-Fi; if you pay $9 or more you can request a doodle that I'll do for you and post on here & twitter (and might stream the process of drawing once that's up and running again). Here's an example of some Ko-Fi doodles I did previously -- You can also tip through my stream page if you want but I probably won't see those till I start streaming again. Still appreciated!!! -- I have a Throne Wishlist that's mostly stuff like kitchenware, household goods, stuff for my kitty, etc. There's also a few Fun Things though, like vinyls and a billy big bass Jay insisted I add. Either way, if you wanna contribute to something on there it means a lot. You can also suggest items to make me laugh

an' above all: thank you for reading and for bein' around!!

#long post /#anonymous puzzler talks #sorry for the big ramble!! i just figured it was worth putting everything out there #you mighta heard bits and pieces of this on friends' streams slash twitter slash wherever #but i figured it was worth puttin' in one place #anyway if you read this far: i hope you're having a good day and if you're not i hope a good day comes your way!!!!!#edit: i forgot the link to the doodles!! silly me!!! that is in there now

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polyamorouspunk · 5 months

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Hi! You reblogged that post about being the one to reach out to friends and I have a question, bc I am terrible at reaching out. What do you say?? That doesn't end up ik the awkward smalltalk trap which ends after like 6 short messages at most? What do you say when you don't really have anything to say, and maybe the other person doesn't either, but you just want to keep in touch regardless? I don't understand how to Talk To People

So my friends and I have a system where for both of them honestly we just send really long messages about like 5+ different topics that the other will respond to days/weeks/months later. Last thing I texted my best friend (1) after she visited was that I almost hit a type of animal that we only have down here not back home the day after they left to go back to CT because she really wanted to see it and it was super ironic that I saw one (and almost hit it) the day after and then we talked about vulture culture stuff and the last thing I texted my best friend (2) was that my coworkers were saying we had to hurry up because my manager had a date after work and I immediately said “it’s so late though” and one of my coworkers was like you sound like my friend and I was like I sound like MY friend so since it reminded me of something they would say I texted them about it. Haven’t responded to them yet but I also want to tell them that I broke my customer service persona the other day and literally said “it be like that sometimes” to a customer because they say that all the time and I thought it would be really funny for them to hear. I text them about stuff I do on my trips, mostly bests friend (2), I text best friend (1) about vulture culture and tattoo stuff a lot. Mostly just catching up because I only see them like once a year. Like hey how’s work. Man this thing happened at work and it sucked. I have this class and I hate it but this one is cool. I had a customer dressed like you. This reminded me of you. Etc. I also send them out packages regularly of stuff I pick up on my travels I think they’d like. I have 2 postcards from the outer banks when I went Tuesday to send to them. It would probably be harder if we were talking 24/7 but because it’s so spaced out it’s easy just to throw like 5 different topics in a message and then wait a month for a response and by then I can respond to their response or pull up another 5 new things to talk about.

#punk gets mail

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doonarose · 2 months

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I am in such a weird state.

-- Went down to the city to visit the fam for two nights. Spent like eight hours with my sleeping two month old niece. She's cool.

-- Spent the first night marriage counseling my parents through a fight over what to do for my dad's 70th... he wants massive blow out party (which i understand), she doesn't want to spend 15k on people they both dislike (which i understand). Twas fun.

--Spent the second night, after my sister and niece had left, eating burnt-to-fuck duck at the kitchen table. Like proper grease fire in the bbq, lucky we caught it, and then remarkable, miraculous that we didn't really fight. I got drunk and ranted about mardi gras.

--Drove home today, three hours, oof.

--I have to teach in literally 12 hours... massive 100 first year cohort. Want to break so many habits but 18 years olds are... tricky.

--And then I am off to a conference which - stress. But also, I think most of Tuesday is nothing. I think... think... Tuesday will be a lazy day in a hotel room... which I am desperately in need of... but we will see.

--Except the conference ends late Thursday and I am bolting back home so I can teach 9-5, non-stop Friday and my parents have jumped on me that they're coming up to visit... so whatever state I leave it in at 8am tomorrow, they'll see...

Anyway, weird... frantic... caught.

Here we go.

#doonas rambling

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golbrocklovely · 5 months

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i’m the anon that sent that shifting n stuff ask! so your college experience counts as shifting (like 100%) and i’d love to hear it!!personally on the fence about the legit science side of it, since small things like the berstein bears and little timeline tweaks I think could be real, and ppl having strong emotional reactions are obviously smthg unless theyre lying (but they dont have a reason to really, and theyre living w the stress of what feels like gaslighting to them). but the tiktok -🌟

see this issue i have of calling what i experienced as "shifting" is i was very much awake and living my life when it happened. hell, even someone else i knew said things felt different (i'll explain in the story) so to me, this wasn't like a very vivid daydream or dream even. but i also can't completely explain what happened logically.

okay, here's what i experienced many moons ago, where i think we switched onto a different timeline.

this is super long and weirdly timely so... strap in lol

how i always described this situation to those that wanted to know about it: imagine taking any room in your house. you have all the time in the world to memorize everything about it. the furniture, the lights, everything. imagine i tell you to leave that room for a couple minutes, and then come back. you do that, and when you come back i tell you that something about this room is now missing. it's up to you to figure out what is no longer there. now, it could be as noticeable as a couch or a chair, right? or... it could a quarter that was under the rug that you didn't know about. that's how annoying this whole thing felt. you know something's different. but you don't know what it is.

this was november of 2017. i was in college. to give a brief run down of my sleeping schedule at the time, i would leave for school (bc i commuted) around 8 am, get there at 9, and then stay at school until 5 pm. then i would get home around 6/7, depending on traffic, and pass out almost immediately. then i'd wake up anywhere around 1-3 am, do homework and whatnot and then literally stay up the entire time until the next day at 6/7 pm again. if i was lucky, i could nap at school (bc my dad worked at my university and i could sleep in his office) or if i didn't have homework i could sleep until the next day when i would have to get ready for school.

so it's safe to say my sleeping schedule was ass lol

i just came home, it was a monday. i think i stayed up a bit later, worked on an art project for school, and then went to sleep around 8/9 pm. i remember falling asleep, i remember deciding i was going to sleep.

i woke up around 3 in the morning. that wasn't odd, i usually always wake up throughout the night. however when i woke up, i was confused as all hell. i didn't have a weird dream, if anything i didn't really dream at all, and when i woke up i just felt really confused, like my room looked different to me or something.

i remember saying out loud, "something feels off", and then i went back to sleep. i slept until the morning when i had to get up, bc i had no other homework that night.

on tuesdays (from what i can remember now since this was so long ago at this point), i would have a 9 am bio class, then i would have a couples hours off, and the around 1 or so, i would go to my art class. i remember distinctively carrying a big ass portfolio to school, or into my dad's office on these days. thursdays, i had a similar schedule. the only difference being i didn't have art, i had a bio lab instead that was a bit later than the art class. this is all important to the story.

i go to school on tuesday, take my portfolio to my dad's office, leave it there, and then go to my biology class. class is normal, nothing out of the ordinary. now, to give you an exact date or time frame of when this all took place, we had a WEEK before thanksgiving break. and i knew my professor wanted our last class together to be a quiz or a test. and our break started on wednesday the following week.

and i remember half way thru class sitting there, wondering why she was teaching us all of this new material when we should have been taking a test. class ended, she said "see you on thursday" and i remember almost raising my hand to say "thursday is thanksgiving". it took me a solid 30 seconds to realize OH, i'm thinking of the wrong dates. it's not the week of thanksgiving, it's the week before.

i started walking back to my dad's office and i thought to myself "what else do i have to do today? nothing, right? i don't have any other classes." (to addon, on mon/wed/fri i only had one class). i get back to my dad's office, see my portfolio and go OMG dumbass, you have art. it was literally the only homework you worked on last night. you always have two classes on tues/thurs.

i was very confused, but shrugged it off. however, i want it to be noted that while i can be forgetful sometimes, when i was in school, i really wasn't. i was on top of my school work and never once need an extension bc i made sure to know when things were due. so to be a week off time wise was really confusing.

fast forward a bit, it's time for my art class. the one thing i LOVED about my campus was that we had flowers all over that were just absolutely gorgeous. i'll even insert the one photo i took of these flowers from a month before this event happened to me (also, ain't creepy that it's also from a tuesday??? also also i had to ss this from snapchat lol):

so as i'm walking to class, i have to pass by these flowers. they looked like this ^^^ literally the day before, and i just generally loved walking by them when i would go on that side of campus.

i stopped dead in my tracks. they were all dead.

they looked burned, like someone had set them ablaze. like, usually when plants like these die there is at least some petals left on the ground. maybe shriveled up and whatnot, but proof that they were once vibrant flowers. i'm telling you, they were all gone and there was no petals anywhere. it was so eerie to me that i felt really creeped out.

i went to class, nothing else really happened. i asked my friend if she felt off that day, and she said no. i went home after my class, repeated the cycle of sleeping and then getting up late.

on wednesdays, i had my one class mid way thru the day, so usually i would spend my mornings going to the library and working on bio lab stuff (which would be due the next day). so i did that, went to my usual spot, started working on my lab. i get a text around 10/11 ish by my friend from my art class (that was also in the same major as me, theater). and she told me the cast list was posted for our final show. this was my senior year and this would have been my last chance to perform. i had only perform twice, and really wanted to get in something else before graduating.

she sent me the cast list, and i didn't make it into anything. i was taken aback bc the director, who was also my adviser, had praised my song choice and thought i sounded excellent and basically kissed the ground i walked on after my audition, which is something that she never did before.

and the thing is, i had not been casted before. so this wasn't new to me. but literally every time, i would cry. it meant a lot to me to be included so when i wasn't i just felt terrible, so i would always cry. i remember digging my nails into my palm and tears welling up in my eyes. i remember looking around at everyone in the library, already feeling embarassed that i was gonna cry publicly. i closed my eyes, and took a really deep breath.

and suddenly, all of the sadness i felt went away immediately. like in a snap, i was suddenly okay. hell, i was more than okay. i was… happy.

not to be too sad sounding, but i'm never happy. well, it's very rare for me to be genuinely, deeply happy. especially back then when i was at one of my lowest and most depressed. but i sincerely was so happy, so relieved. i sped thru my bio lab somehow, left the library early, and when i walked back to my dad's office, i was fucking GIDDY. you ever see in movies when someone's in a good mood they point and wave at strangers?? i was, honest to god, thisclose to doing that bc that's how HAPPY I WAS.

i was deeply confused by all of this tho. bc none of it made sense. how did i forget what week it was so quickly and think i was a week ahead? how did i get over the heartache of missing out on the final chance i had to perform? it was like a week had passed in my mind, and that's why my emotions - anger, sadness, shame, you name it - were all gone within a second.

i genuinely believe that we somehow jumped a week in time. now granted, you could probably chalk a lot of this up to me just being in a weird headspace, forgetting things bc stress, my depression, terrible sleeping habits, ect. i get it. i've gone thru all of those scenarios myself, even to this day.

but the ONE THING that makes me think this actually happened…. is my mom. fast forward to mid decemeber, i remember it was when i was off but my dad wasn't, so me and mom were driving up to my university to pick up my dad from work. i was talking to her about my life and school and whatever. idk what we were talking about exactly, but i said to my mom "i feel like something has shifted. like something changed."

she agreed with me. "yeah, things feel really off anymore." i told her that i've felt this way for a while. and then my mom goes, "have you been feeling this way since the week before thanksgiving? bc that's when i started to feel it."

imma be honest, i don't believe in conspiracy theories. i'm not one to jump the gun on shit like this, but clearly something happened. i'm not sure what, but something changed for me back then. and i think it's bigger than just me and the ppl immediately around me. but that's just how i feel about it.

this was very long and i'm really sorry if this was boring to read lol

#ask #personal

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bruiisedpetals-a · 1 year

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long NON RP RANT — about work bc the audacity!?!??! tldr: a girl who had applied and interviewed and confirmed her trial shift to be a barista last week and was V EXCITED so we cancelled another person for her trial .... showed up, said hi, chatted a bit, had a look inside, then said she was going for a walk to look around the area bc she isnt a local, and within 5 MINUTES (literally. five) ghosted, disappeared, text my boss and said “yeah nah bye”, and left me alone handling the whole place. cue endless work for me w double the usual customers, and a shift that lasted three hours longer that it should have bc of the ghosting.

rel context: i work in a small coffee & bagel place, two people on one shift: one on coffee & point of sale and another to be the cook, we also have two online food delivery providers so we take orders in person and from two apps + i’m a barista and have line cook kitchen prac & experience so am actually a ‘cook’ ig?

so i mentioned in my post when i was half asleep yesterday that i had a new person coming into my workplace for a trial today, so i stayed late to prep for weekend trade + restock stuff, and came in early to set up everything just in case. we were v busy yesterday with food as it was so i had a lot to restock, and w mothers day tomorrow everything needs to be topped up more-so. that a lot of work by itself to be honest but manageable in between cooking, esp when you have an extra set of hands when its quiet to help. look if you have seen any cooking show you might see that set up, prep and pack down take THE LONGEST ok.

— our permanent staff consists of me and K, we have two other locations so we get help from Z and J, and they can usually cover the shifts that K and i can’t (eg. K can’t do saturdays, i cant do every 3rd tuesday) but they manage other locations so they are not available without prior notice. so basically the only person who was available to work today was me, even my boss was busy moving house w his wife, 4mo and two under 8yo’s. —

this morning i’m at work at 7am, turn on things etc, set up my cooking stuff, open the coffee machine, nothing crazy. at abt 7:45am im chillin outside having a coffee and a smoke and someone walks up and it turns out to be the trial girl. we chat a bit etc, i show her inside and the machine (she’s a barista and i’m the cook on shift) — i say that i just heard from my boss myself, bc she had spoken w him earlier that morning, and he’s on the way and should be here within 5-7 mins ***technically we open at 8am but i was waiting for my boss but had checked the time to keep track & i had just text my boss back so i saw the timestamp***

so at 7:59am i head inside after i finish my smoke and she’s going to have a look where i told her there is free close parking for next time bc she took the train, at 8:04am my boss walks in and goes “WOW IT’S 8:04AM AND SHE’S NOT HERE lmao” (he did not yell it he’s a g - that’s just how i knew what the time was alksjfhg) and i go “no she’s just having a look down [street] bc of the parking i literally saw her a few mins ago” and proceed to open the doors etc. meanwhile i see my boss on the phone calling her, after a moment he comes over with a Whole “i cant fkn believe this” Face on while he’s on the phone. i’m thinking “??? i hope trial girl didn’t get lost in these lil crossover streets damn”

(it’s 8:07am, from now the customers start. they DO NOT STOP until at least 11am, it was at least double the normal turnover of profits during that time so thats ur ref for how BUSY it got)

boss goes “ur not gonna believe this” and show me the mssg from trial girl who basically has said “hi i went to ur shop, and i had a wander around the area and its just not good enough for me so i’m on my way home”. she’s GONE. in those five minutes. she got up, lied to me, and was at the nearby train station leaving. boss is floored and i’m like !>?!??!?!@#!#?who IN THE FK does this?!?!? but the customers so *professional me is present rn*

between her and boss there’s a little back and forth (text, she wont answer any calls) where he literally pleads with her bc there is NO ONE who can come in an assist me and she confirmed yesterday and she WAS HERE, she continues to be like “mmmm well ik that we discussed this and i said that i would be here and its been set for days and i applied LAST WEEK etc. but... no sorry im going back to bed” and then blocks him.

& this whole thing takes place between

7:59AM — 8:07AM.

i was there from 7am - 4:35pm / my usual saturday is 7:45am - 2:30pm

WHO DOES THAT. WHO IS THAT UNPROFESSIONAL. WHO??? WHOMST??? SHE WAS SO FKN RUDE I WAS liVID. LIKE. why LEAD us ALL ON. we all need to make a living do U THINk he can afford to lose a whole day of trade?? he’s got a whole FAmILY and his wife cant work rn bc she’s just had their 3rd child. i live PaYCHECK to PAYcheck. like this is life this isnt a game???? you are 29YRS OLD why cant u act grown

#ooc. out of ink ⋯ skye posts #( this is long bc it's literally my stream of thought and i needed to get it out of my head alkrjhfg )

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liu-lang · 2 years

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hello i'm still alive, still recuperating.

i started to having a sore throat on sunday, july 10. this was how my covid during the december 2021 omicron wave started too. but since i already had covid, i didn't think anything of it.

i kept going to work like normal, eating cough drops. i got a pcr and rapid test from a tent outside work on monday, july 11 and it came back negative, i felt relieved. okay, maybe this is just a bad sore throat. by tuesday, july 12 i had a runny nose.

i woke up with chest pain that progressively got worse on wednesday, july 13. i also always have intermittent chest pain (like my whole life) so i didn't think much of it. i start to develop a cough on this day too. after work, i get another pcr and rapid test at a tent. i decide to go to urgent care for chest pain so i walk like 15 minutes to a citymd. by the time i get to citymd, i have my rapid test results, it says negative. i go in and explain my symptoms, i show the medical assistant my negative covid results from the tent test i took not even 1 hour ago. he seems chill about it, gives me a covid test just because and says he will do the strep test after.

(i get the PCR tent test from july 13 back the next day and that one comes back positive)

after 15 minutes he comes back and looks at my covid test and says "oh no you're positive" and he promptly leaves the appointment room and says a doctor will come see me. i am like super confused at this point but also this is familiar to me since this is exactly how my omicron covid diagnosis happened where my test at pharmacy/tents were all negative and i only got positive tests at urgent care.

the doctor comes in, he asks about my symptoms, when was the onset, what vaccines i have (all 3 moderna) and my prior medical history. i talk about my congential heart defects and he says he will give me paxlovid since i'm high risk and he implores me to make an appointment with a cardiologist. he tells me to watch for worsening symptoms especially fever or shortness of breath.

then the real nightmare begins. at this point, i am in midtown manhattan. i tell them to send the rx to the rite aid by my jackson heights apt since it's really close and all i wanna do is take the meds and sleep. i take the 7 train back home. i walk to the rite aid and they say they don't carry paxlovid. i'm confused. the pharmacist calls like 3 other rite aids in the area. no paxlovid - why no paxlovid in a densely populated neighbourhood with low income working class immigrants ?? the only other rite aid i can think of is the one by my ridgewood apartment. so i tell them to call and ofc they have it there. so then i have to go all the way back to ridgewood - i had to take 3 trains. i fetch the paxlovid and then i commute back to jackson heights. by this time, it's like after 20h - it literally took me over 5 hours to get the medicine i need. apparently you can search at pharmacy's websites to see what medicines they have in stock but the last stock date was 2 or 3 days before so who knows if they still had the medicine by then. how does this work ?

anyway, i didn't want to take chances and i had to do stuff at my old ridgewood apartment anyway. i take the paxlovid and am confused by the bitter metallic taste in my mouth. i learn about paxlovid mouth for the first time. it's major yucks but i'm still super grateful to have access to it even though i nearly passed out commuting to get this medicine.

i've been quarantining at home by myself. we have overlapping leases btwn the ridgewood place and this jackson heights place so the moment i texted my roommate i tested positive, she went to the ridgewood place. i haven't seen her in 5 days. CDC says 5 days quarantine but my job wants 10 days and a negative PCR test for my entry pass to be activated again and i can return. i have two at home covid test, i wonder if i should test a little before the 10 days or just wait. i think the paxlovid stopped my symptoms from progressing to something worse but it doesn't feel like it shortened the duration of my symptoms. omicron covid gave me really painful body aches and fever - this time i don't have either of those but my throat feels like i'm swallowing glass, i have a gross-sounding cough, nasal congestion and migraines. i have a high tolerance for heat (grew up in sg at the equator) but it doesn't help to live in a 5th floor walk up in the middle of summer with no ac. i think that contributed to my migranes. i haven't put up curtains in my room so once the sun's up my room would get unrelenting direct sunlight and i felt like i was being boiled alive. i'm also extremely fatigued. every time i got up to walk down the hallway, it felt like i was a hot air balloon that had been shot down and was slowly deflating and descending from the sky. my heartrate is consistently over 100 with the highest being like 130.

anyway can't believe i'm only half way through quarantine - i haven't seen anyone else in a week. i wake up and it takes me awhile to rmbr what day it is. i feel like my brain fog is very bad - this doesn't bode well for all the reading/learning i meant to do over the summer to prepare for year 2 of grad school.

on the plus side this is the last day of taking paxlovid - it’s been so disgusting tt I’ve barely been able to eat anything without instinctively retching right after. I did see this article where someone claimed cinnamon candy helped them - it’s too late for me but maybe someone else might find this helpful

#personal #nyc move #grad school #covid19

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redsaurrce · 1 year

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i just need to get this off my chest yk, school is mentally tiring and once friday hits imma be absent for 3 weeks straight and idk what to do—no motivation or anything its simply draining. is there any words of advice you mag give to me?

When I read this the first thing that came to my head was- "dO i giVe oFf tHe viBEs oF sOmeOnE wHo CaN GiVe aDviCe oN sCHoOL?" 😭

But like if u think I'm qualified to answer this question then I've got the following to say;

School is definitely tiring... this is coming from a person who has attended her high school while waking up at 5 am to go to school and return back home by 4 pm with a 3hr extra tuition classes right after school every fucking day. There was a point where I literally went to school and only waited for it to get over cuz man I hated there.

Well.. idk how it works for u but I'd advice u that if u are struggling to keep going to school everyday and tiring urself out to death, u might want to miss a few classes in between weekdays-- which is what I had started to follow. I would skip school every Wednesday and Thursday because I focused more on attending my practical classes which used to be held on Monday, Tuesday and Friday. Sat and Sun used to be holidays so that was a bonus.

Because practicals needed equipments which wouldn't be available in a normal house (unless ur parents are interested in keeping microscope or potentiometers at home LOL) so I attended school on those days (or mightve skipped even those days sometimes and then in the next class i would approach the teacher in the corner and request them to brief me over what they have taught in the last practical class). For the theory I didn't really had to attend school since I could cover that up in my tuitions or self study.

I think you can do something similar, mark the days which has the most important classes, u can even attend alternate days in consecutive weeks. For example if you follow the calendar in mobile phones, you can track week numbers of the year, now divide them into odd weeks and even weeks.

On odd weeks u can attend on Mon, Wed and Fri

On even weeks u can on attend Tue and Thurs

For example the current week number is 12 which is even and today is Wednesday so it's ur 2nd school day of the week, right?

So.. according to me, missing out 2 or 3 days a week is far better than missing out 3 weeks straight because not only you will be detached from the current situation of your syllabus of what's being taught in the class, this can also feed into ur demotivation era of yk.. thinking that oh no maybe u have missed out a lot so what are u gonna do now? Is it over? Stuff like that! And negative thinking truly sucks.

Also do not forget to take care of urself and keep urself hydrated time to time, sometimes water is all u need to stay alert.

And if u ever sit down to study and think- ugh what if I can't do this or that, trust me- at that very moment open ur book and set a timer of 10 minutes. In those ten minutes, just study and do nothing else. After that u can do whatever u want (but ik ur brain will choose to study a little bit more!)

#hmm... lmk if u find/found this useful anon or if u have something else to ask :)#sweet anon 💟#asks 💟

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wenevergotusedtoegypt · 2 years

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Gosh we really need to figure out an overarching strategy for dealing with in-law visits.

The main issue is how big a contrast there is befeeen the frequency and duration of visits we’re ok with from my parents vs. them. My parents have been visiting us about every couple of months since we became comfortable with them doing so again covid-wise. And with the birth, they were just here for 12 days leading up to and following the birth, went home for 3 days, and then came back for another 10 days for the bris and helping while my husband started back up at school. They’re coming back 2 weeks from tomorrow for another 6 days for my toddler’s upshernish. My husband and I are both totally fine with all of this; it’s an incredible help. My mom slept on our couch much of these past 2 trips and took care of basically all burping and diapers and getting him to sleep day and night (he will be 3 weeks on Tuesday and i literally have not changed a single diaper of his yet). My dad entertained the toddler pretty much all day every day after his camp ended on the 25th. My mom has already volunteered to sleep on the couch again when they come back.

My in-laws were here for 5 days for the bris, after not having been here in months. We only actually saw them on 3 of those days. All 3 of them were torturous. They expect to be hosted. They don’t help; I think my MIL went so far as to hold the baby briefly 2-3 times and my FIL held him once. When they’re in our home (for hours straight), they expect us to sit and talk to them the whole time (which mostly consists of them complaining about things). My husband was trying to do schoolwork and my mother kept having to subtly step in and intervene because my MIL kept interrupting him to ask 10 billion non-time-sensitive questions despite knowing what he was doing. When they came over the afternoon after the bris and I needed to rest, she insisted that they open all the gifts people had given us at the bris while I was resting, because it’s not like I should’ve been part of that too, right? Not like they were gifts for MY baby whose birth was causing me to need the rest or anything… Anyway, neither my husband or I enjoys these visits. They’re stressful and just literally the opposite in all ways of my parents’ visits, which are specifically designed to be as helpful as possible and to work themselves into our everyday lives rather than taking them over.

But of course my in-laws don’t have any concept of this difference. They are already coming for the upshernish (which reminds me, once again they have not bothered to inform us of the specific dates…and I am NOT hosting them over Rosh Hashanah so I certainly hope they don’t think they’re staying for that). There’s an extended family wedding in our city just over a month later that they’ve mentioned wanting to come in for. And they are already pestering my husband about coming during his winter break too. This year it’s going to be significantly shorter than the past 2 years because he’ll be doing his first clinical rotation, so there’s that already, and also the week his break starts is the week I’ll be going back to work. I cannot deal with them visiting that week and also getting into the swing of working. It just cannot be a thing. Oh, and then he’s also having his white coat ceremony in November, which I don’t think they’ve realized yet or I’m sure they would be planning a trip then too. 🤦🏻‍♀️

But it’s so hard to argue that these visits are too much because they know about my parents’ visits and the difference is just way above their heads. Sigh.

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whatdoesshedotothem · 2 years

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Sunday 8 July 1838

6 ¾

11 10

unpacked bag etc. breakfast at 10 ½ - had the master of the hotel – Madame de Cazenave lives close by – he thought she was there – sent to inquire – no! at home (ile de Noé) so gave the parcel to his care to be given (as directed aux soins de Mr. Montant negociant à Tarbes) – several people going off and gone off this morning to St. Sauveur, so gave up the thought of staying here today, and ordered horses for 11 ½ to be at the bankers at 12, they being ready to receive me at this hour – all in a bustle – A- poorly – Josephine had new silk dress for me, and [?] biscuits etc. to buy and the imperials were to put on again and my travelling bag etc. to do up – A- had been pleased yesterday at my managing for her to see the chateau at Pau – tho’ poorly has been in good sort ssince – fine but dull morning F69° at 11 am off from Chez Boyer hotel de la paix Tarbes, at 12 35 –stopt chez................ for Josephine the [m.de] des modes, but Josephine had still elsewhere to go – the man at the shop very civil said he would shew me the post-office and went with me there – nor letters nor newspapers – then mentioning the new work published at Pau on the Pyrenees (vid. Bayonne Tuesday 3 instant p. 263) he took me chez ‘Collongues Libraire Relieur à Tarbes’ where I bought Spanish grammar by Don Francisco Martinez. Bordeaux 1836 and Spanish and French dictionary by A. [Berbruggie] 10th edition Hamburg 1835.

SH:7/ML/E/21/0144

and ‘Les Pyrénées’ 2 vols. 8vo par M. Chausenque [anc.] Capitaine de Génie. Paris 1834. back at the carriage at 12 ¾ - then to the bank chez Fouchonfrères very civil but not very quick – took the value of £50 exchange at 25.40 on my letter of credit for £500 – the 1st draw upon it – 27 minutes at the bank a large rez de chaussée full of Zinc plates and other merchandise as well 2 writing desks and the writing apparatus of office for the 2 brothers the postilion quite impatient – came to say if they would not be quick, he would take off his horses and go away – at the bank till 1 12 and then once more off and en route for Lourdes – charming beautiful very fine drive from Tarbes – about 2 ¼ at the poor picturesque little steep village of Adé – at Lourdes at 2 50 – drew up opposite the Inn (poste aux chevaux) no horses – on carriage had arrived before us, and was served before us – by and by, 2 more carriages came their occupants seeing no chance of getting on, wisely went into the Inn to stay probably till tomorrow – A- and I sat in the carriage reading and cutting open books bought at Tarbes – at 4 5 saw our Lourdes postilion off home satisfied and civil on my giving 3 ½p. i.e. 1p. extra for all his waiting – at 4 ¾ our rival carriage off, and we stand next for horses – at 5 ½ got out of the carriage and went for a minute or 2 into the courtyard of the Inn, then strolled up the street and went into a little café, and dined (ate up thin potageau pain and I took a little wine and water and A- a little boeuf bouilli) for which with I great difficulty I persuaded the woman to fix a price 1/50 and gave her 1/. over – then strolled in the little narrow paved streets very old, and off again – found the hoses just put to the carriage at 6 27 having 3 37 hours – of course, we cannot get farther than Pierrefitte – the old castle of Lourdes now a little garrison – literally perched on the top of pointed rock – rocky, winding ascent just out of Lourdes, and the fine wild rock scenery begins – the Gave close alongside (right) from soon after Lourdes – at 7, at the box –wooded hills (know them by their smell) and the round hill in front of us very fine and beyond it the long tall square tower of Vidalos, and valley of Argelez [Argeles] – quite charming – great deal of bled de Turquie at the bottom of the valley as we pass along, and patches of yellow corn (rye) – pretty picturesque village at 7 ¼ - and at 7 21 another nice picturesque village good, scattered and very picturesque little church about the middle of the village and in the left hand pillar of the church yard gate (left on entering) ‘Poste aux lettres’ – magnificent amphitheatre of 3 valleys en face – village of Ost at 7 29 small scattered and picturesque embossed in walnut trees – at Ayzal at 7 374 (Argelez? the ville of) large good village white-washed like all the rest – the city of the villages – long narrow street – hotel du commerce and ditto de Pomme d’or café du commerce and ditto des Pyrénées in one square, and café de France in another between square, and little old chateau at the far end of the village and houses building beyond this – quite a city of a village and then a little campagne (right) at 7 50 cross bridge and brook-torrent, and pass thro’ little scattered picturesque village – at Pierrefitte at 8 20 à la poste –order horses for 6 in the morning – really a very comfortable village Inn – 2 comfortable bedrooms – good trout for supper at 9 20 which we both enjoyed A- ate 6 in 25 minutes and I 3 in 40 minutes and came to my room at 10 – Had Josephine – a few minutes with A- she had letters this morning (chez Fouchonfrères à Tarbes) from her sister and ditto from SW. ½ of which latter was to me – the steam engine ordered of the Low moor company and Oddy got safe home – A- had much monsieur today used our boiler and two glasses of hot wine and water did her good – very fine day F67° now at 10 40 pm

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enhadiares · 2 months

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🌸- I am in 10th rn, and I'm gonna have science ka exam on 2nd march!? IDK if its just me of do the 4 days gap b/w exams is making me too distracted like- ITNI CHUTTI KYU!? I'm not even scared atp, its so boring! also yess; 1. Todays' TMI ? => I went on a cafe date with some classmates of mine, we had a lot of fun, shittalking about the boards and all, I tried mocha latte (honestly WORTH IT! like its soo good!!!) and had a strawberry croissant (not worth it :( tasted like cream roll but with strawberry filling) and strawberry tart (LOVED IT!! so refreshing, and light, somewhat like a cheesecake!). 2. Aaloo parantha or mooli parantha? => Aaloo parantha forever because I HATE mooli like I literally despise it! I feel like puking whenever I have it, so I just stopped eating it altogether. Also mooli makes your breath smell bad and farts smell leathal, I would willingly want THAT! 3. Chai or coffee (or any other drink of choice)? =>i I used to drink chai allot but then i got overwhelmed and now I don't like it unless I'm sick, because bimari me sirf aadrak wali chai hi baacha ti h! So right now, definitely coffee! 4. Comfort song (enha or any other artist)? => Has to be ONLY by leehi, Try Again by Jaehyun, 5. Enha bias? => SUNGHOON SUNGHOON SUNGHOON LIEK I CANNOT STOP FEELING ALL GIDDY WHEN EVER I LOOK AT HIM, IM SO IN LOVE ITS NOT FUNNY, LIKE I EVEN CRIED MYSELF TO SLEEP WHEN THE REALIZATION HIT THAT HOONIE CAN'T BE MINE!? 6. when did you get into kpop and your first kpop group + song? => Around 2019, TWICEE mothers frfr! I listened to FANCY MV on a very random tuesday of 2019 and then saw MINA and decided to JUST KNOW HER NAME, spiralled down the rabbit hole eventually became a ONCE, ARMY, REVELUV. then in 2020, 18th august I randomly saw a survival show clips and decided to watch it!...bam NOW I'M AN ENGENE, MY AND DIVE!! 5. Do you buy albums of pcs? => I do have TWICE's EYES WIDE OPEN and I do have a lot of enha PC sets, my parents bought me enha ka manifesto and dark blood engene ver. PC's!! (plus point of being a class topper, reward for getting 97% in halfyearly and an obedient daughter <33 papa ki pari fr. They said they'd get me an enha album if I do well in boards, SO 🫡🫡)

Bhai humme toh 20 din ki chutti hai 😭😭 makes me feel like I'm on a summer vaca (no studying whatsoever)

Upar se no holi for us because inse ek exam jaldi nai rakhi gayi 😭?!?

Bhai I am so jealous 😭☝️ yaha my parents don't even let me go out boards ke time , ko in at home for 2 months straight like a kaid panchi (imprisoned bird)

Upar se i want to score good like 90 above but mere liye it's not so easy kyuki i don't like studies 😇 pary for me🙏

#desi engene squad 😋#🌸 anon #✦⋆ ᘞ˺͙ 🌸 (＞。☆)

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linggluu · 4 months

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2023 wrap up!

i just woke up from an hour log nap because i've had this migraine since tuesday :D (not covid) but i needed to get this all out with a nice, one direction comfort playlist in the background. what a year i have lived.

january - went on my first work trip (flying) in my life to north dakota! the bad thing about the NE is that you CAN drive everywhere. i've driven all up and down the east coast just for work , and my customers are literally 20 minutes from my office so i can always drive there but january was the first week i had to fly

february - started going to the gym consistently for the first time since middle school with my best friend. this lasted all the way until july but i'm still in the habit :)

march - discovered the strange tales of the tang dynasty. refreshing bc i haven't watched an (ancient) mystery/thriller in such a long time. lu ling feng and i share a last name! I NEVER SHARE THE SAME NAME WITH ANY ONE IN A CDRAMA.

april - big fight with jeff. discussing our future and how much $$ we're gonna need if we're actually going to get a house. he thought i shouldn't be bitching because i have a "good job" which made a good salary. whoa buddy, i have to keep myself alive. this was a fight that last months especially because he's in florida right now with NO JOB and NOT finishing his degree. at least pick ONE and do it. Someone has to stress around here and it clearly ain't him. am i wasting my time? we've known each other for so long, we are comfortable with each other other, if we dated other people we'd both be crushed? but i don't think we have the same goals.

may - delia still in the office. she's afraid of calling customers to tell them about deliveries. she's afraid of talking to drivers. she was so hard to train because she WOULD not pick up the phone. and she ate all the snacks in the office. and she ordered so much so stuff for herself because it was free. 5 months in and she was still afraid to talk to people. maybe this isn't the job for you? she got transferred out of my office THANK GOD

june - tensions rising in the house again. $$. getting married. my mom is getting on my nerves because she thinks i'm getting behind in life because i'm 30 and not married. and she wants me to get married BY my birthday in October or in December or by January. i'm not ready, i'm not in the mindset. she needs money, she also needs an ego boost of saying "my kid is married". i'm tired of coming home and walking on eggshells, wondering when she'll come and bother me. i'm tired of her sharing stress on me. i'm tried of her asking me for money all the time because i can't save. she keeps asking when i'm gonna bring jeff over but i never have because i don't want associating the good thing in my life with the bad thing. without the restaurant, she's even more annoying.

july - my mom started asking for $ again. A bulk of my check every month. my career and finances are finally getting steady because i'm in a nice groove now and i can save. stop asking me for money! the shitty thing is i found out my sis was slowly moving stuff out (she found an apartment of her own in may , i also found a house.) but she was denying it smh rude. my mom stopped me from moving out but not lili because i'm soft. and because "i owed her an explanation about jeff" . i don't owe her shit and i don't want to tell her anything about my personal life.

i moved all my shit out on July 7th which was a Friday. I was in the middle of a move while mom called me and cheerfully asked about if we were going to RI over the weekend and i faked it. liz helped me move and got me stuff for the room. air purifier, clothing rack, a mixer, a clothing chest thingy. i'm so lucky to have her.

that whole day was was so exhausting and terrifying because i was trying to move all my shit out while she was at work. a few days before this sister and brother in law gave me a spare bed and desk for free. they also helped me rent a box truck to get all this over. forever grateful. but at the end of that friday night, i was so exhausting i was SHAKING. then i typed out a long text message to my mom and shut off the phone.

i was afraid to turn it out, i cried all night because what kind of daughter ditches her parents like that and lies? i was so miserable that first night and first week. i was on the phone with liz all night and she was about to come sleep over.

why doesn't my mom ever ask stan for money? god i'm tired.

哭完以后还是一条好汉。

august - my mom kept calling me but i kept ignoring her. i didn't read her text message reply but one message i read she said 你真的狗卑鄙. how dramatic do you have to be? you used me my whole life to work my entire life , denied me of many opportunities and i didn't have the balls to leave until my younger siblings left because i was still trying to be a good daughter. life goes on. went on vacation to Philly with Lili and Stan at the end of august. my roommates C and K are nice :) one is a teacher one works for the state. both nice and clean girls just trying to live out here. everyone is clean, respects each other's privacy and safe. K has a cat named Gnocchi who totally runs the house. i love him ;;

september - life is settling in to a nice groove. work. gym. home. 三点一线。C is taiwanese so we get along great - culturally + food ;; she asked me to go to the cat shelter bc she wants to adopt another cat. this was the right choice. i make enough $$ to rent an apartment like lili but still the bulk of one check. not that worth it. i'm so lucky i found this older house. we all have our own rooms and i got the garage spot. the house is also owned by the same landlord who owns the apartment complex behind us! lawn, snow all done by him! i made the right choice. to live with roommates and kind of experience that college life i never got to experience, except it's work and i go to work now instead of class. is it weird or nah. but it's a good feeling. i don't like to be lonely and jeff's not here and all my friends are doing their own things and we live every where.

october - birthday month! i'm 31 and i'm fucking old. life is good in terms i don't have to come back to stress or the pressure of getting married or giving up my pay check like i'm still in high school. started rewatching naruto yay. still learning how to be an account manager. drivers and alberto and james and joe piss me off . i'm still too soft.

somewhere between october and november , i visited pioneer again. i miss it so much. i miss making medicine.

november - made up with jeff. we're going to his friend chris's wedding in july , the same weekend as jeff's birthday. lili also gave me her gaming pc. been playing games :D jeff also recommended me some games to get. thanksgiving was chill. went to boston with chelsea. spent too much money and time was too short. yay.

december - all of a sudden, it's the last day of december.

K had an Xmas party two weeks ago. I invited Lila, Sara and Liz. We ended up watching 一念关山 in my room. Christine stayed in her room and didn't mingle. For both Xmas and New Year's Chelsea asked if I wanted to spend it with her family but on Xmas I spent it with sibs and right now, I've been sick since LAST Saturday. I'm so grateful to her because she knows i'm not with family.

started back our ksll group chat. i miss my friends.

All in all, this was a crazy year. but i think i'm happy.

2024 goals:

lose weight (specifically 40-50 pounds by July) it's gonna be rough ugh

amp up my resume. promotion? new job?

save money/be more responsible about money

have a healthier life style

travel more.

deuces.

here's to 2024 i guess.

#personal

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sobrietywithnobullshit · 6 months

Text

My First Post (intro); TW: drug use & addiction.

sigh I always start things i don't finish, so this blog will probably be just another unfinished project that i forget about in a month. Sorry for the pessimistic outlook- it's a big habit of mine. Along with many more. This is going to be a semi long intro so bare with me.

So let's start this out typical. Hi my name is Sam and i'm an addict. Going on 8 years now. It's probably more like 10..ish. I say 8 though because there was a point in between using for fun and needing to use daily without getting sick, where i was sober for like a little over a year. So 8 years works for me.

Choice of drug: heroin, opiates, and most recently the antagonist in this story- fentanyl. Which is quite ironic i phrase it that way because they use antagonists to reverse the effects of opioids. If i had a choice, i would have never started using fet at all but these days that i all one can find. Besides that flesh eating shit, don't get me started on that lmfao. I have been lucky enough to not run into it- yet. Plus i don't shoot (i am terrified of needles) i snort. So my skin is safe for now lol. I also have been lucky enough to have never overdosed. Or die in that case. So praise the lawd.

Let's cover recent events that made me start this blog. About a month ago i entered a detox facility about 3 hours from where i live. I drove myself and stayed for a little over 5 days. Then left. All of you reading are probably like WHAT THE FUCK BRUH you were sooo close. Trust me i know. There was alot that happened there that was so unhealthy and ill make a post about all that shit later, but to sum up how i felt there besides sick from withdrawals, i felt like a damn science experiment.

Cut to two days later me wanting them to take me back and they wouldn't unless i started on suboxone (which i didnt want to again ill explain more about all this in another post). This time my parents drove me fucking 3 hours there and back for nothing. About a week or so later i entered a rehab facility 4 and a half hours from where i live. I drove myself again. I was under the assumption it would be guys and girls (it wasn't). There were alot more things i assumed and it wasn't the case. This will also be another post. But i left 24 hours in due to safety issues and drugs literally in the facility. Which was partially my fault.

Okay so my recovery hasn't been so good. I am currently using still and felt overwhelmed for about a whole month. I kept telling myself okay i will call the new rehab tomorrow. Then tomorrow turned into a month. I didn't even realize i was doing it until a month went by.

I have found a new detox facility a bit closer to home..2 hours lmao. I live in the middle of nowhere btw. So 2 hours is nothing, i drive two hours to get my fix every week so.. no big deal. Except this one was super hard to find because the name of it wasn't anything to do with detox or heroin or ya know. I'm not sure if i am going to be accepted or if they have an opening yet because i haven't called. And im not going to until i have everything in my life in order. They also have a really nice rehab that IS coed. It's also not in a hospital, its more holistic.

So that is where im at currently. I probably will call them on monday or tuesday of next week. I had to get some cash together, my clothes washed and packed, and i also had some random shit coming in the mail that i knew would get stolen if i didnt wait. But for the most part- everything is in order. So next week i could be getting clean again for the 4th time.

So this is me. Im sam. Which i should mention isn't really my name haha. But it is my favorite name. Always love samantha from totally spies. Maybe when i start getting clean and actually have more than 5 days, i will reveal my ugly mug. Thought about starting a tiktok but who knows. Social media has never really been my thing. But you know that because im literally starting a blog on tumblr i 2023 lmfao.

Anyways, sorry for the horrible format. Just kind of writing this spur of the moment. Just wanted to introduce myself. This blog will be about my sobriety journey with no fucking bullshit. That's one thing i hate. When people get clean and they pull the omggg jesus saved me. Or they get clean and forget that dirty part of themselves. I never want to forget this part of me because it's made me who i am. I will never be ashamed of that.

Talk soon. Please be safe out there. Message me if you need anything. It gets better.

xoxo sam

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