#I've known a lot of people on here over the years who have chronic illnesses

[medicinemane]

Does a recurring infection count as a chronic illness?

Cause I was just thinking about people with chronic illnesses talking about how they'll kind of hope for bad days and just hope for something to show up so they can get answers, cause I was just feeling the site where the infection is (which my doctor couldn't) and thinking I kind of hope it hurries up and gets infected again since it itches like crazy and makes the area feel tender

Obviously in my case there's theoretically a cure. It's just a site with an infection that flared back up in the past, and that either will flare up again or... I don't know... left behind scar tissue I guess is the only other thing I can think that hard bit might be

Also obviously this is a lot less debilitating for me than most chronic illnesses (though when it's a full on infection I really do have trouble walking)

I don't know... just a thought that hit me and made me wonder

#I've known a lot of people on here over the years who have chronic illnesses #talked a lot with people about navigating the medical system and how hard things like pain management can be #so I'm strongly on the side of advocacy for chronic illness and have been for years #but it just kind of hit me thinking about this and made me wonder if even though it has a cure in theory #if the fact I 100% have not been able to get said cure means it's kind of like a curable chronic illness #where I'm basically having to wait for it to reinfect and... I don't know... maybe instead of taking antibiotics #I just insist my doc send me to a surgeon cause it vanishes to the eye of a doctor once it's in remission #took almost a year to come back last time but... it came back; went to the urgent care and got it ultrasounded #but they didn't want to do anything to it cause it's in a spot with a lot of muscles and nerves #...I don't know... hate dealing with this #it's a minor thing but being able to get rid of it for good is a small thing to add to the suicide pile

[redbud-tree]

Country roads, take me home

To the place I belong

My name is Nik, and I have never had a home. Now, before you panic or accuse me of making up stories, I have never been without a roof over my head. But a home is more than that. It’s somewhere you feel safe, somewhere you have family by blood or by choice and a community that you trust and that supports you.

In all my 35 years, I’ve never known what that feels like. But I want to, and that’s what the GoFundMe I've linked below is for.

I spent most of my life raised in a fundamentalist Christianity-based micro-cult in Oklahoma, born to an abusive mother and a chronically ill father. I was homeschooled, isolated, abused and denied medical care, and never taught many of the life skills I desperately needed in order to make it on my own.

I’m autistic and receive social security on account of being diagnosed before the age of 22, who has survived my father passing on from his own debilitating illness in 2014. I think my mother’s goal was to keep me at home and keep profiting off of my disability income for the rest of my life. Mine, not hers, because the stress and misery of it all was killing me, and if my mental health didn’t lead to me taking drastic actions, the lack of medical care I was receiving would have led to my death within a few years anyway.

Then, in November of 2021, I managed to escape. Escape is no exaggeration here, as it involved sneaking out of an isolated farm in broad daylight with a very high chance of being intercepted and stopped despite my age and status as an adult with full legal rights. I am not and have never been under a conservatorship or guardianship past the age of 18 - I was kept at home purely through abuse tactics and gaslighting. With the help of friends, I made it to the Pacific Northwest where I was supposed to be able to start over and build my life at last.

…Yeah, that? That didn’t work.

I stayed in Washington for about a year, but my roommate and I had incompatible trauma, so I moved to Portland where a larger group of my friends were and where I should have had a support network to help me as I recovered and started treating my trauma properly with medication and therapy.

…That support network ditched me completely. Everyone has their own troubles, their own struggles, but when you’re in a city and trying to recover from abuse, and you’re alone because the people you were counting on never even talk to you, let alone want to spend time with you because they have better things to be doing, well. You can’t make a home where you aren’t wanted.

And the thing is, there are a lot of things about where I live now that don’t fit who I am. Portland is too much of a big city for me. There aren’t enough animals, and the wrong kind of animals when there are any. The smells and the sounds are all wrong, and I stick out like a sore thumb with all of the cultural differences between the PNW and Oklahoma.

So for my mental health and continued recovery, I’m going to move to live closer to the people I know care about me– in this case, one of my oldest friends, who’s put up with my shenaniganry for close to 15 years now–but I’m trying to do that on a very limited budget.

My only income is, as I said, social security disability, and right now almost ¾ of that is going to my rent alone. That means I can’t save enough to move, and on top of that, I’m trying to move to West Virginia.

I’ve seen pictures of the area and it reminds me of the one spot in Oklahoma I ever felt happy, the Ouchitas, but somehow… More. Some of my ancestors used to live in the Appalachians; not West Virginia specifically, but the mountains, and when I saw a photo of that friend’s hometown I almost burst into tears because it was like looking at a place I hadn’t been to in years and needed desperately to get back to.

I never knew you could be homesick for a place you’ve never seen, but I am, and everything in me is crying out that I need to get there. Something deep inside me, something older than the trees, older than the concrete and steel currently surrounding me where I live right now says that when I do, I will finally have found my way to the home that I’ve been looking for all of my life.

Will you help me get there?

#long post #gofundme #god i'm so ready for the nightmare that has been my life to turn into something positive #we don't use deadnames here folks #gofundmecampaign #gofundmedonations #gofundmehelp #fundraising #fundraiser #any help would be appreciated

[justsomerandomfanfic]

If you don't mind, could I please get a Lotr matchup 🥺 I saw that your requests are open and got really excited. I'd like a male ship please! I'm a 21 year old autistic girl who uses a lot of names and aliases. I also have ADHD and am chronically ill with things like asthma, joint pain and both (mild) kyphosis and scoliosis, but I still keep surprisingly active despite it. I'm known for having pretty legendary pain tolerance too, haha. Though because I'm still disabled, I tend to be a bit of a homebody and am very attached to my home.

Personality-wise, I'm simultaneously extremely level-headed and stubborn as a bull; I make my choices wisely, but I'm also quite fierce when I feel the need to be, and I don't give up easily. I've been called wise before and I tend to give good advice, though I can also be a bit of a hermit sometimes when I don't feel like talking. I'm a weird mix between very scholarly and very active, I love working out and getting strong but I'm also addicted to learning new things and reading. I tend to collect books on witchcraft, herbalism (both for healing and poisons) and cooking. Speaking of which, I love cooking, baking, sewing, gardening, caring for horses and I work as a librarian at the moment.

My personality tends to throw people off a little, mainly because I'm very sweet and friendly but also a little off-putting. Both because I come from a family with a morbid sense of humor, and because I do genuinely enjoy messing with people a little. I'm a solid true to chaotic neutral. The kind of person who would joke about poisoning people but given that I know so much about plants you might actually get worried that I would, despite me being very friendly to you just five minutes ago. I'm just that kind of person, I guess, I like to keep people on their toes. That being said, my friendly side is no facade, and there's little I love more than helping people, I actively go out of my way to do it. I especially like feeding people and making new recipes for others to try. I'd say my major flaws are that I'm stubborn, I don't forgive easily, and I can be a little sassy and passive aggressive when I get tired or upset.

As for my appearance, I am very very short and very skinny, though I'm moreso lean since I enjoy working out. I actually have decently large biceps but it's contrasted with a Disney princess-esque waist which I find kinda funny. I have very long wavy reddish-brown hair (I describe it as “strawberry brunette”), and I wear glasses. I like to take relationships very very slowly and develop a solid friendship before considering dating someone, so I really don't want someone who takes things too fast. I'm also not a fan of overly flirty people, even if they're completely loyal to me I just get turned off by over the top displays of affection.

Alright I think that's about it! Sorry if this is too long! (Btw I think I might have requested a matchup from you before but I love your writing so much that I want to get one again, I really hope that's okay ;-;) Have a good day!

Hello! Welcome back! No worries, you can request as many matchups as you want! <333 I hope you like the matchup this time too :)

---

(Romantic);

---

Lord Of The Rings;

Faramir:

✨ You met Faramir with Gandalf and Pippin, unfortunately, Denethor doesn't really like the three of you, that's Denethor for you; but it wasn't long until you got to meet Faramir - the younger brother of Boromir, and for some reason, you both felt a connection between the two of you

✨ During your stay, you and Faramir got to know each other more, taking walks when possible and talking about your interests and even bonding over shared interests - when you told him about your collection of books on witchcraft and herbalism at home, he was impressed; you told him that one of the reasons you joined the Fellowship was because you were a good healer (other than that, you loved adventure, and could do and few spells here and there)

✨ After Faramir got shot by that arrow though, you stayed by his side the entire time, and only then - realizing how close you were to losing him - did you come to realize that you had grown incredibly fond of the young man of great quality; whilst he was in his little healing coma though, you would sit and read to him

✨ Once he had finally awakened, he was surprised to have found you by his bedside - his heart went (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ - and soon, you both found yourself courting; you would often bring him little baked goods, and Faramir would sometimes gift you books on new, interesting topics when he finds them

✨ You and Faramir are very similar to each other - being passionate, caring, and intelligent - you both are very much never gonna give each other up, or let each other down, or run around, or desert each other

#cute #fluff #x reader #request #requested #matchups #matchup #lotr #the lord of the rings #lord of the rings #faramir #faramir of gondor #faramir x reader #faramir son of denethor

[rhythmic-idealist]

Hi all. Some of you know my partner @crimeronan - maybe for her original fiction, her fanfiction, or her assorted queer/polyamorous/chronically ill life blogging.

If you do know—or know of—Kitkat, you might know them as a resource, or as a writer, or as that person who has been known to sit down and write six paragraphs of advice to the scared young person in their inbox. Perusing their blog I see people trading autoimmune stories, younger queer and polyamorous people asking questions about what it's like to be in your mid twenties and settled into those things, and people who found stories who resonated in ways stories don't always succeed at.

Or maybe not! That’s my platonic partner of four years. Happy to introduce u.

If you ARE aware of Kitkat, you might know that she recently FINALLY got an initial appointment with a rheumatology clinic. This after a big medical mystery that’s spanned over two years and taken them to the ER more times than anyone can feel good about.

The good news is that things are FINALLY moving forward. Kitkat has posted a lot more about that entire saga, if anyone is interested, but the main thing right now is that there are test results that are usable in a diagnosis, there will be a diagnosis that is usable in treatment, there are follow-up appointments in the very immediate future that will do a lot of good. It's all kind of astounding after the amount of time it took to get here.

The bad news is that their car broke down.

To say the money situation is already tight would be, though I’m sorry to put it like this, understated. Kitkat makes most of her money from freelance writing, and, first of all, is a fucking wizard at it in ways I don’t understand. But she recently lost her biggest consistent clients when— and she was told this outright— those clients switched to ChatGPT.

Perhaps more to the point— they're often too sick to work. They've pivoted to gig economy delivery jobs, but that is an enormous physical demand on ANYONE’s body, let alone when you’re severely sick.

So that’s where the financial situation is at right now.

I do slot into this, so to give you the story on that: I’m moving to Oregon to live with my partners next month, and will be contributing to the household income then (which is why I'm moving so soon). But I was originally planning to finish trade school first and move in January 2024, so everything’s very last-minute, and a little haywire. I now have at least one job interview lined up in town, but I won’t even be in Beaverton until mid-August, and this auto repair bill is due now.

Basically: because of this auto repair bill, they’re not going to be able to make rent. I expect we as a group will probably be okay once I’m in Oregon and more established/able to help out with the household income, but things aren’t there yet, and this isn't money we're going to be able to make back later.

Kitkat's been too sick to work consistently for so much too long, and that's why they need to turn to community support right now.

(I know Tumblr is famously not a "meet every goalpost before deserving help" website, and I think a lot of fundraisers with less explanation than this deserve support. I'm just a very wordy person. Thanks for bearing with me.)

Kitkat has limited mobility and is going to need to get to upcoming appointments, and speaking honestly, also just really needs access to a car to make things like groceries feasible. She’s not the only one in the apartment with limited mobility or chronic pain. Add to that the gig delivery jobs as a main source of income right now, and this is a necessary bill, just one that is sky-high relative to the income trying to tackle it.

So, you know, hello. I've brought a couple of fundraisers onto Tumblr in the past on other people’s behalf. This time I’ve gotta ask on behalf of my own found family.

The bill has come out to $717.80.

As of now, rent money has been used to pay it—the car has been repaired now, but that money was for rent and daily expenses. There is already financial assistance in play, particularly Medicaid. As it stands, because of this bill, they're not going to make rent.

To account for GoFundMe's fees of 2.9% + $0.30 per transaction, the goal is set to $750.

If you’re in any way able to give, the link is here: https://gofund.me/c0f9d7fe

Otherwise, a share goes a really long way.

Thank you a ton for reading this far. Times are hard all around, so please know: this post is an appeal to those among us who have disposable income and are looking to donate some of it.

Thank you.

$1,323/750

Date posted: July 27th, 2023 Updated: July 28th, 2023

#mutual aid #kitkat car gfm #I WILL MAKE a short post at some point #God. wordy person ever (me)

[iamthecomet]

-slides in and sets down a cup of herbal tea-

To your post about a regular saying, "You're sharp for your age!" my friend, who is, coincidentally, also working in a library (she's a youth services librarian) gets mistaken for being younger quite a lot, and for much the same reason she gets told similar things, because too often people associate age with wisdom/intelligence.

I also get mistaken for being younger by customers due to my looks, even some people I've known for years are shocked to learn I'm not, like, sixteen.

Sometimes it feels like a jab or a backhanded compliment, and, in some ways it is, even if not intentionally so, and it takes a lot of my energy not to be bothered by it.

And other times I find a way to work it into the conversation that, no, actually, I am an adult and have been for years.

Then there's the folks that keep telling me, "Don't get old" because "things start to hurt", and I'm over here, having had to deal with chronic pain/illness since I was a child, and who didn't think I'd make it this far, and that's the stuff that really gets to me.

But, like, looping back, it's always strange the things strangers/patrons will say to you sometimes.

Weird assumptions or out of the blue questions/statements that have you going, "What?" the rest of the day.

Anyway, on a completely different note, when I got to work today, there were a bunch of cops in the back parking lot while I was unlocking the shop, and they were still there when I came out to tend to the animals, and I thought I felt one of them looking at me.

And, yeah, yeah they were, because they were watching me water the ducks.

So I'm standing there with a hose, trying not to make eye contact with them while I talk to the ducks like, "Yes, yes, here is your water, do you want a bug bath today, Duck Duck?"

This is the second time I've walked up on a... a herd? a herd of cops in the parking lot that suddenly turned to look at me.

-leaves some extra cookies-

*sits down with my tea and a cookie* I moved back to the town I grew up in as an adult and it has been a wild experience. Mostly because of exactly this. These people have known me my whole life but still picture me as a teenager so therefore I must still be a teenager right?

The other great part of the whole interaction was she asked me, like five minutes before that comment, how old I was going to be on my birthday (because it came up in conversation that my birthday is this week), and I told her. And she went--in a baby voice-- "oh you're just a babbyyy" I'm sorry that you also have to deal with this shit on the regular, but also I'm kind of glad that we can at least commiserate about it. As a semi side note, I don't get the "don't get older" thing. What would you prefer I do? Die? Like I know it's a saying and I get it but it's stupid and we should stop saying it. And why do you keep running into herds of cops? That's honestly one of the scariest things you can run into in the wild. They're so fucking creepy. God, I'm glad they left you alone (except for the staring at you part, wtf?) and let you water the ducks in (sort of) peace.

#comet's anons #lamp

[alatismeni-theitsa]

Hey, nb anon here that asked that question about gender neutral names. I just wanted to thank you for the effort you put into replying and allowing me to reach more Greek people who are more educated than I am. you made me feel seen, provided extremely useful information, and connected me with other Greeks that I probably wouldn’t have been able to find otherwise. I am still thinking about how to proceed in light of everyone’s insights, but your kind words and vital information are much appreciated, I really am so grateful for the fact you give Greeks from all over the world and in diverse communities a voice in their culture. You don’t have to post this, but if you do, then I would love to thank everyone who contributed to the discussion and provided their insights.

Also, off topic but I think it’s important, please take care of yourself! I bet it can feel like you’re under a lot of pressure to help people and never be wrong, but I hope you know you can take a break and take care of yourself. Please please take care of yourself, you are a vital voice in our community but your wellbeing is also important and I hope you don’t forget that.

I am so grateful for you and the community you have brought together, thank you very much for your advice and thoughts! Please don’t feel pressured to post this or respond to this, just take care of yourself and know your work is benefitting others!

Thanks a ton dear! Ευχαριστώ πάρα πολύ! I think this is one of the kindest messages I've received and I can't describe how much it warms my heart! I appreciate all the time you took to write to me! 💙💙💙I'm posting the ask to give you my thanks in return, and also to make your gratitude known to the people who gave info on your request :)

It is pressure to be seen as a point of reference because people assume I can't be wrong, or that I believe I cannot be wrong 😕 And surely, I'm trying to give accurate info or give people access to accurate info but I can't be perfect. Sometimes it takes weeks or years to realize what I could've done better.

I'm only one person with various medical difficulties so there are time and energy constrictions. I really like receiving asks, and I love offering whatever info I have! No one is forcing me to write walls of text at a time 😂 Sadly, sometimes there are observers (not the kind askers themselves) who want to see JSTOR quality answers here that cover absolutely everything, and if they don't see it they dismiss the whole message completely. Or they don't offer some counterpoints that I'd be happy to discuss.

Buuuut this is Tumblr and I'm an ill, chronically exhausted potato* and they should remember the site we are on. (And that they don't even pay me to give me a headache with aggressive and bad arguments😂 I don't do that much for free anymore! 😂)

(*ok no one has actually diagnosed me with "potato" yet, but ONE DAY I'll add this diagnosis to my collection🙌 Maybe when I die and my body feeds the earth and then sprouts a potato?? A theitsa can dream 😂)

In any case, I do want to keep a community here and set the ground for Greeks and Greek citizens to be heard when it comes to matters of our culture and/or country. I created this blog cause no one else would do it. I don't have all the answers but I can only get wiser and more responsible with time! And I'm very happy when I hear good news about people who've been helped!

Good grief... I just realized I fell into the conversation pattern of an older Greek woman

Get excited and thank people

Moan about difficulties and annoying people

Mention illness and death

Reassure that theitsa will be here to annoy everyone forever 😂

#answered #thanks again anon <3

[icemankazansky]

🕯️

🕯️was there a fic that was really hard on you to write, or took you to a place you didn't think it would take you?

Well, I mean, the answer to that is yes. I don't want to give a non-answer to this question, but a lot of stories are hard in a lot of different ways, and a lot of them go their own way. As a writer, I rarely plan ahead much; I don't make outlines, and while I have a general idea of the shape of most stories when I begin writing them, the writing process for me and the way the story becomes is very fluid. I've spoken before about certain challenge stories that were written from requests that made me uncomfortable and that I knew would have to go someplace I didn't want to spend time, but I think honestly the stories that I have struggled with the most in both these ways are stories I have been working on for a long time but have not been able to finish. I've been working on the Top Gun Age of Sail AU for over a decade, and it's not finished, and I don't know that it ever will be. I really want to finish Vox, but it's been almost a year, and I still don't really, fully understand the shape of it and how it has to be built from here, and it's incredibly frustrating.

🕯️how do you think engaging with each other through tumblr, twitter, comments, kudos, creates healthy fandom experiences? How do you deal with that if you're not a social person/experience social anxiety?

The social aspect of fandom is absolutely crucial. I mean, I love fanfiction, reading and writing it both, and creating art and gifs and other things from the media I love, and seeing the art and gifs and things other people create ... but honestly, if I was experiencing all of that in a vacuum, I think it would not be nearly as engaging or rewarding an experience as it is. I have friends I have met through fandom who are among the best friends I've ever had, people I've known for decades and are still there, still ride or die, still make me so happy every time I see their name on a post or a text message. A couple years ago, I attended the wedding reception of one of a girl I met when she left a comment on a fic I wrote. She is one of my dearest friends, and I've known her for ... shit, like 15 years now. We talk often. I know I can count on her if I need anything. She's slept on my couch and we've been to the ocean and to hug baby goats and shopping for leather goods and to eat catfish and hush puppies. When I found a lump in my breast, I called a dear friend I have known for 20-some years and met when I left a comment on a story she wrote. I was there for her when she had breast cancer, and when I was afraid I did, too, she checked in on me and reassured me and told me what to expect, and texted back and forth with me the entire time I was at the imaging center. I have movie night every week with a friend I have known for 20-some years; we have been each other's dedicated beta readers not just on fanfiction but on anything we've written for over a decade. She's in The Kilmer Cure. She is the person I usually turn to when I'm having serious mental health issues, because she has bipolar disorder, too, and she understands. We're planning to get tattoos together.

And even people I haven't known as long ... sometimes they're the only real social interaction I have all day, because I am chronically ill and I am mentally ill and because I am an introvert and all the other reasons it's so hard to get together with people in real life often when you're an adult. And speaking to them, about fandom, about anything, is a huge source of enrichment and comfort and joy to me. And I am not a social person. I do have social anxiety. (Although it's gotten better as I've gotten older and as I've gotten treatment for PTSD, which affects that way more than I thought it did.) But I think one of the great things about fandom relationships via the internet is that you can do things at your own pace. You're not on the spot. If you don't have the spoons for interaction one day, you don't have to reply to that comment right now. You can do it tomorrow. You can watch the conversation in Discord, but you don't have to join in if you're not up to it. And everyone's in different time zones and on different schedules, so everyone's kind of just coming in and participating how and when they can.

#asks answered #hell i got a lot of friends #fandom #fanfiction #writing #long post #fic memes

[barrenwomb]

hi there! Sorry if bother but how did you decide to study nursing? I've finished high school last year and decided to take a gap year ( mostly due to mental health reasons + trying to make enough money working here and there to support myself in the future + just general indecisiveness lmao) and I'm still stuck thinking about what i wanna study in the future, bc i DO wanna keep studying and go to uni, but my decision is still up in the air. Did u already knew what you were going to study after high school? What made you chose to become a nurse? Anyway i hope you're having a good evening <3

hi<3 um, well,

^^^

ok, on a more serious note. i started uni (law school) immediately after graduating high school and i dropped out a year later because. well, because i was severely mentally ill, to be honest. then for another year i worked the shittiest jobs known to men until i decided to try the entrance test for nursing school just because and i somehow made it in. i wasn’t sure about my choice until i started working shxjnsbsjs ok, so like, why nursing? mostly because i spent my teenage years taking care of my mom when she got severely ill so i was already familiar with lots of medical and nursing stuff (IV nutrition, PICC catheters, pressure sores, NG tube, etc). also because im the most unimpressionable person ever, scarily phlegmatic even, and i’m very good with people! AND also because i needed to find a job asap — which i did btw. i got hired a week later after my graduation. it’s not an easy job and it’s definitely not for everyone. it requires great mental and physical strength, but considering i always saw myself as a weak ass pussy and now im really good at my job i encourage you to try if you feel like it’d work for you. you don’t know how actually resilient and strong you are until you become a healthcare worker. being a nurse kind of sucks, objectively, because people tend to understimate you and your job a lot, and also because there are serious issues with our healthcare system (talking specifically about italy but these issues are common all over the world tbh), like chronic staff shortage and work overload. personally i like what i do. it gives me a sense of purpose + i could never do a desk job because i need to move around and use both my brain AND my hands. it’s stressful, though. very. extremely mentally proving. i’m glad i made this choice, though. i can’t imagine myself doing anything else now. it’s not my dream job but it’s the job for me. i like having my hands covered in blood and other body humors — don’t tell my patients! just kidding. i won’t be one of those annoying mfs who are like waaah never become a nurse it’s a literal hell waaah. maybe they’re right but we NEED more nurses. oh god if we do. we also need to unionize and start a revolution btw. i wish you the best of luck! keep me updated! kisses mwah mwah! if i made it everyone can!

#anon #ask

[vanillatalc]

ok so: another friend drama recap post

i've known this woman, we'll call her Claire, since i was 17 + she was about 25. the other members of the group are ana: (2y older than me) and our parisian friend who we'll call Dora (I wanna say like 1y older than me). anyway suffice to say we've all been friends for over 10y, not just online but irl as well. (WE MET ON LIVEJOURNAL! yes even ana and i met on livejournal) ages not really important other than to make it even more baffling lol

anyway claire has been v weird and unstable for a few years now, i want to be charitable and say it is potentially a reaction to the collective trauma of covid (and also she's had a HORRIFIC few years personally - a lot of death) but i don't know how to deal w/ her at all anymore like i know she's struggling a lot but like i cannot deal with it, it's just maddening

all she really does is infodump about her current fandoms that NOBODY ELSE IN THE GROUP HAS ANY INTEREST IN WHATSOEVER interspersed with these wildly disturbing one-off sentences like "oh i think my wife lost the baby" like. (she hadn't btw) the emotional whiplash from going from her angrily screenshotting comments on her fanfiction that she agree with to talking about the horrific shit going on in her life just makes it so difficult to talk to her + also i cannot pretend to give a shit about k-dramas ive never seen like... i literally just cant lol. so i tend to just ignore the group chat + leave ana + dora to deal with it. (ana mildly resents me for this but my position is they dont have to deal w/ it either and social consequences for being totally unbearable is not the worst thing)

anyway so i think i mentioned this before but a few weeks ago she mentioned taking herself (chronically ill) + her pregnant wife to paris at the beginning of december. on public transport. like i know no one gives a shit about covid anymore but long-term disability from it is really a gamble for the healthiest of people let alone people w/ her problems. they've both also had it before + negative outcomes do seem to stack the more infections you have

she brought this up, i could not stop myself from politely saying i thought this was a dreadful idea, ana backed me up and i also got a DM from dora thanking me for saying something (dora had previously told her not to come but didn't feel comfortable having th esame conversation a second time)

SHE HAS NOT SPOKEN TO US SINCE. she's privately started DMing all her hyperfixation bullshit to dora instead of the group chat + dora is like idk wtf to do with this either lol. like she's literally just totally stopped talking to me and ana AT ALL bc we politely told her we were worried for her health if she went to a huge city in the middle of winter LMAOOO like i know age / emotional maturity don't go together but like can you fucking believe she's nearly 40 + this was enough to apparently tank a 10y+ friendship???

if i wasn't already pretty much done w/ the friendship id be v hurt + offended that being like "hey we'd rather you didn't put yourself at risk here" was apparently evil enough to just totally cut off

#trying to decide now whether to be like ‟so are you never gonna talk to us again or‟

[angelicpersonals]

Keeping up with friends

I don't do Every day talking unless you are VERY specific friends I have known for literal years. And thats only because I know they will give me breathing room, respectful if I dont respond snappy and am slow, are interested in what im up to rather than being like "yo heres some memes" so we can talk about smth im currently into. I dont mind the random meme dumps dont get me wrong. By all means go ahead. I will do it or video dumps back to let you know im thinking of you. But dont get mad if I dont have much to say.

If you want to chat, come to me with a topic. Just like if I want to chat I come to you. Now I will be more likely to chat in a GROUP than one on one because I might want to talk about the same topic with multiple people. I dont DO individual DMs very often. even those I talk to every day are in mini group dms. Individual dms are for privacy in case of emergency or for those who despise groups.

It takes a LOT of spoons, a lot of energy to keep up multiple private chats and I need people to understand that.

I have so much going on in my life, so many people and situations to deal with, so many creative projects on my plate. That I only have maybe 3 - 5 days per month where im free to interact with friends. I have 52 friends at this point. Do you see the problem here? Individual DMs / chats are not feasible when I have this much to manage.

"But you're on xyz game" I multi task, if im on a game its literally to manage my sanity. I garuntee you that its mostly just sitting in the background looking pretty rather than being played unless im eating at the same time taking a food break.

"But you are posting screenshots of-" Yes, but that can be screenshots from those small peaceful moments of the day, previous days, or I've shut down and finally taken a break bc I got too stressed. "But if you can play games why not talk to me instead" Listen, I dont want to be a b*tch but let me be blunt an honest

Chatting stresses me out, people stress me out, it expends energy to chat. More so if I have other things on my plate at the time. Im not trying to be rude or ignore you. However I live with 3 people who watch everything I do constantly and are always trying to interact with me. I have 0 privacy, rarely have time to myself because when its not my family. its my friends because I have to micromanage so much in my life and have responsibilities piled on my shoulders a mile high.

"but you dont work / are disabled" I'm aware of that. However I have to help take care of my older siblings. I have to take care of my friends, I have to deal with every friend fight or emergency. All the while dealing with anxiety and depression of my own on a daily basis. Feeling lonely and isolated which im sorry simping over astarions a** with you does not fill that void. So before im asked no chatting online will not help with that when im surrounded by stress. responsibilities and a lack of affection IRL. I am literally an unpaid faux therapist and unpaid replacement mother for almost all my friends and for my own family. Yet im the youngest. and all of this is while I have to manage deal with and dodge around PTSD triggers and even epilepsy triggers every day and deal with chronic pains and illnesses. I'm not trying to be a b*tch but reality is. if you want an always there for fun times readily available friend.

Im not for you. I can't be, my circumstances and body literally will not allow me to be. I will be there for an emergency or issue in a heartbeat don't get me wrong. But I might only talk to most people once a month unless we're in group chats.

[meaning-and-me]

10/12/23

Somehow managed to extract this week's discussion posts for school out of my brain. It's only two classes, but I haven't been able to do any kind of school work since mid 2020, when I finished up the classes I had enrolled in right before the pandemic. That was just two as well but was so much worse than this- even though now I'm literally actively in withdrawal. Stuff is crazy like that.

It would be easier to talk about this stuff if suffering could somehow be quantified more easily. And the baseline is always shifting. Add in measurements like the pain scale, and I think it is just impossible to accurately describe what any given day is like for a chronically ill person. We are all so different. I say this but then also- it is easy for me, and accurate for me, to say that things are better for me now than they were back in August. Or June. Or January, or a year ago. It even goes further than that though- I became unable to work from my physical illnesses in 2019, but was disabled by mental illness much longer prior.

The thing I am thinking about most right now is the benzodiazepine withdrawal, and that is what I get most wistful about. Mostly because it is easier to accept I mostly consented to the other medications, though once again informed consent was not perfect or emphasized to me. The problem with the benzo is they gave me a daily dose at 16. I take issue with this for two reasons: one, I was a minor. I do not think at that you can properly consent to a drug like that as a child (cue many moral arguments for and against). Secondly, it has been known for some time that benzodiazepines are not suitable for daily use due to the effects of dependency on the body. I can't cite that for you right now and if it was me reading this five years ago I would have fought you on that fact. But please do some digging.

I don't know the extent to which they really recognized that back in 2011-2012 when Ativan was prescribed to me, but I know that it has been known for a long time. And now that was over a decade ago. Surely at some point one of the 20+ doctors I have seen for chronic conditions, or psychiatrists, would have recognized that the drug was a problem. But it never happened. It would be briefly mentioned in our appointments maybe but no one wanted to deal with it. I was mentally stable which was a feat for me when you compared my adult mental health to how I was as a child, so no one messed with it.

I understand why it happened this way. I would have fought tooth and nail to stay on it because I too was terrified to mess with my status quo. But then back in January of 2023 I had a few conversations with people who had experienced benzodiazepine dependency, and it led me to Benzodiazepine Information Coalition. I started reading more about people's experiences on these meds, and the documented long term effects of dependency. It planted a seed for me, and here I am in October of 2023 in my fifth week off of Ativan.

Part of the purpose of this blog is because I strongly believe in the power of context. I believe in the complexity of every human's story, and maybe the older you get the harder it is to sum up. I can feel this as a turning point in my life- something wrapping up the last ten or twenty years maybe, and it's so much to process. It's so much to hold. I'd like to have some kind of record of this time even if it doesn't become a habit. And considering the level of fog I've been existing in for a very long time now it just feels like a luxury to be able to write about it at all. I'm so afraid to hope but that is what I survive on. I'm taking a more holistic approach these days to my health and also accepting that much of what I am going through right now feels like a massive leap of faith. Like I said in the last post, all I can do is try. I wasn't ready to do this for a long time and now the time is here!

One thing I said a lot when I was in the middle of my taper off of ativan and phenibut that might sound like total bullshit to some is how much of a blessing it feels like to be able to suffer in this way. And now I've reached the destination, but it's more like another leg of a triathlon haha.

[recoveryisbeautiful]

Update on My Life: Being Back on Tumblr

I've been back and forth about putting this post out there but figured, why not... I don't know if I'm coming back on Tumblr long-term. I'm still trying to figure that out but I have been popping on a lot more, talking with people, and just doing my thing.

I'm in a very, VERY different place from when I left Tumblr... and practically a different person from when I began it. I figured I would bring you up to date on some of those updates.

Being I'm in such a different place in my life, I have been posting / reblogging a lot more in relation to chronic illness as well as boundaries. This was my safe space for a long time and with so much going on, it feels good to be back and have my positive place to hang out.

The update is long and I've opted not to proof-read it... leaving it as more of a raw, journal-like update.

I'd love to hear from you guys too and how you've been doing! I know a lot of you that are still around have already been sending me some messages and saying hi when you saw I was back on here.

Mental | Physical Health:

Mostly, things with my mental health have been good. I still struggle... I know I always will and I have been able to accept that and I know that I have healthier coping mechanisms. My physical health, however, has been a struggle. Most of you already know I had been dealing with some issues with my health that began when I was about 21 (before I ever even had this account). A decade later... and doctors were still telling me my labs were "normal" and it was all in my head. I felt defeated. December 2018 I had food poisoning. That was 3 years ago. I have been nauseous every day since. After 3 months of sleeping on the bathroom floor, I started to seek medical help and was faced with the same treatment. I finally found a functional medicine doctor I've been working with for over a year. She figured out my initial issues (which ultimately led to me not recovering from the food poisoning and developing SIBO). To say I was angry would be a massive understatement. A simple vitamin deficiency that was overlooked for YEARS had caused me chronic health issues to the point I can barely function most days. I am still recovering from my GI issues... there may be more than just SIBO going on (we're talking in a few days about that). I potentially have POTS... or it could just be that my vitamin deficiency has given me some permanent damage that resembles POTS. Since I've been struggling with gut health issues, my mental health did take a turn. I began having unexplained panic attacks like nothing I've ever experienced before. I've had my fair share of anxiety attacks (some pretty bad ones)... but now I was having full body panic attacks where my mouth goes dry, my throat closes up, and I feel like I'm going to die. It has not been easy... but I'm managing and taking control of my health to get answers. I am going back to therapy (soon) for some EMDR since the food poisoning and dealing with chronic gut issues has resulted in me having a trauma response to any little bit of discomfort or nausea. I spend a lot of time laying on the couch and thankfully, Dan is working from home indefinitely so he's been able to help take care of me.

Personal Life | Relationship:

Yes, Dan and I got married. We moved in together about 4 years ago, adopted a puppy (who was sick) right away, and then got married October 23rd 2020. Our wedding was the following year on our first anniversary. Over the years I have gotten very good at creating boundaries for myself (personally and with work). I've also gotten great at keeping toxic people out of my life. There was some family drama that came up a couple weeks prior to our wedding and now we are navigating how to create boundaries as a couple. I have no issues cutting toxic people out of my life if we are related or have known each other forever. It's even easier for me when they disrespect someone I care about or cross a line with someone else... but I also know that I have worked too hard to let anyone take anything from ME. Dan was raised more in the terms that family is family... and it's important to work things out. There are also kids to think about who have were not involved and we don't want to get caught in the middle of adult's acting like children... so as much as we want to create boundaries for adults, we also have to protect the kiddos. This is something that we're still in the middle of working through and will probably blow up pretty soon.

Work:

Honestly, I'm burnt-out. I want to stay home. I have a very difficult time taking care of myself and then I do have the dog and the house on top of that. When I'm working I'm unable to do what I need to around the house (cooking healthy meals, cleaning, etc) and it limits how I'm able to care for my dog (we have a trainer helping us through this). I would much rather work from home and have the energy to take care of my family. I've been debating starting a blog of sorts (not on Tumblr). With everything I've been going through, I have gotten very into switching our home to non-toxic everything, being more sustainable, and really prioritizing health as a whole and solving the problems vs. putting bandaids on issues as they pop up. If my house gets dirty, we all struggle with allergies. If my house gets cluttered, it triggers my depression and sometimes anxiety. I feel overwhelmed all the time. Being I can't stand for long periods of time, it's difficult to stand and cook a meal. I'm unable to walk our dog alone because of (1) chance of passing out and (2) anxiety around the coyotes that live in our area. Dan helps out... a lot. But he's also working full time so it's not fair of me to put that all on him. I want to make some sort of change in the next year or so... I just need to know that I have some form of income coming in.

#personal #update #depression #anxiety #recovery #mental health #biplar #sibo #panic attacks #gut health #boundaries

[soovaryit]

Happy endo-versary to me! I hope you enjoyed the disturbing image above.

At 27, I've had endo for ten years. And here I am to impart my infinite wisdom unto you all. Not really but I will tell you why I'm back at square one, waiting for a referral to gynae and I could feel shit but I don't.

And here's why! Actually, there's lots of reasons why. The first is that I'm getting better at accepting the cyclical nature of chronic illness (and life in general). There's a start but no known end and that is uncomfortable to sit with. Knowing that this will be with you for the rest of your life, the uncertainty around how bad it will get and what aspects of your life it will effect is daunting to the say the least, but what I hold onto is the fact that I have handled it before and I can handle it again. And maybe I'll handle it terribly! Who cares, it's hard. It will get worse again and it will get better again. It is near impossible for people who don't have chronic or reccurent illnesses to understand the immense strength and vulnerability that comes with dealing with the same shit over and over and over. It's soul crushing at times, but I've learned that you can literally always rebuild yourself. You might not the same but who says that's a bad thing? Probably only you and the unrealistic expectations you set yourself - be soft with yourself and give in to being a sick lil thing sometimes.

These are my good day mantras though. If you know me even vaguely you will know that I'm just not that optimistic on a daily basis and positivity culture makes me rage. I do a lot of raging. But on my absolute worse days, what gets me through is the thought that my story can be valuable to someone. My experience can help others, practically and emotionally, and the reason I'm so sure of that is because the stories, advice and the sense of solidarity I get from other chronically ill bbz is what keeps me going. I often write about the negatives of this stupid, confusing, life ruining, ridiculous disease and I am well within my right to, but it's helped me discover strength that I didn't know I had ten years ago and has, ultimately, shaped who I am. And I like who I am, so that's nice.

When I think back to the scared 18 yr old whose world had been turned upside down by pain and humiliating symptoms and investigations, I realise how much I could've used someone like me (future me, are you still with me?🤔) to say YOU'RE DOING GREAT HUN. Tell your bf sex hurts and your back hurts and your bowels have turned on you and you've never seen so much blood in your knickers and you can't stop crying and if he doesn't wanna hear it - dump him cos you don't have to have the extra burden of a partner who doesn't understand or doesn't want to.

After ten years I can truly say I carry very little shame around my bodily functions (or malfunctions) and I think that is remarkable progress. We've had period positivity, the wonders of Livia, Mooncups come back from the 1900's (but much prettier), period poverty schemes, trans men like the amazing @iamkej speak out about how periods are far too gendered and we've had REAL RED BLOOD IN A PERIOD ADVERT. I'm sounding like a real liberal feminist here but sometimes you have to appreciate the small victories. Although at times the grief surrounding this illness overwhelms me, things like this help me imagine the next ten years and give me a moment of hope, and anyone who has experienced the lows of chronic illness will know how necessary those moments are to survive this.