#Like i had a fixation after learning my mom needed the treatments cause my parents have 2 different blood types

[silverydragonheart-blog]

yknow technically cloning works alot like artificial insemination or like fertilization treatments from what ive seen/been told by my mom so by that logic timkon clone baby absolutely couldve been more than one and has a higher chance of being say twins or triplets than not which means in a dcxdp crossover you can absolutely have dan dani and danny and it haunts me that no one else noticed this

Edit please note that I am not a doctor or anything I just had a slight fixation and tried my best to learn what I could which resulted in me knowing more about surrogates, adoption, and fertility treatments than anything else except I was very much a kid and didn't like knowing the full reasons of things so I'd learn enough and then guess the rest so on one hand I absolutely know how one thing works however I have absolutely no fucking idea how it happens its essentially like how we all treat the Talk I took one look at learning the ins and outs of these treatments and went "I know enough" and dropped it so if anythings wrong yeah that's why

#Like i had a fixation after learning my mom needed the treatments cause my parents have 2 different blood types #It was like ab and a but one was neg and the other pos and we have NO idea who got what #Dcxdp #Yall be sleeping on shit #Like is cloning not just fertility treatments but grown in a test tube???? #You start multiple hope one makes it and sometimes they ALL survive or half #Me seeing a timkon clone fic/fanart: i know what you couldve been #I cannot STRESS how often i think about this #Tim expecting maybe one or none to survive: oh no #tim now with like 3 kids: oh my God ive made a mistake #timkon #Tim drake #dc #I want it on record I knew how adoption fertility treatments adoption and actual birth worked #BEFORE I KNEW HOW BABIES WERE MADE #Like I did NOT care for the ins and outs I only cared for the end result #The fact I also knew how sex worked before how babies were made is an outlier and I'm not counting it

[aliaology]

GET HIM BACK!

summary: reader wants to get her ex boyfriend, luke hughes, back in order to get her revenge.

pairings: luke hughes x ex!fem!reader

warnings: jealousy, arguments, mentions of sex

based on ‘get him back’ by olivia rodrigo

THIS IS NOT HOW LUKE HUGHES ACTS. this is just for the plot, i have no idea how he acts outside of hockey and media!

you met luke in the summer of 2021. he was at the michigan lake house, and you were visiting your friends house who lived just next door. the boy accidentally hit a volleyball over to your friends house and from there the two of you blossomed.

though, the relationship was quite toxic, causing you to leave him the next spring, just before you could meet his parents. the two of you argued over everything, him normally starting it.

“are you fucking serious, y/n?” luke groaned, throwing your phone on the bed. you looked confused. “what the fuck did i do?”

“i dont know— maybe snap my fucking brother twenty four-seven?” luke snapped. you rolled your eyes.

“we just send pics to keep a fucking streak going, luke, why is this such a big deal?” you groaned.

“because you’re talking to other guys, what if you’re cheating?”

you scoffed and crossed your arms, “so you don’t trust me?”

not to mention, he had a huge ego, thanks to being the number four pick of the 2021 nhl draft. along with the many, many girls who loved him online. would they love his personality? probably not.

maybe another part of his shitty personality was the wandering eye he had. the way his eyes would drift to look at another girls chest or ass, it was embarrassing.

but, he was fun. fun at parties, fun at sex, fun at it all, and so were his weird friends. you personally favored dylan duke and mark estapa, but no one would find that out.

he took you out to many parties, bars, clubs. and when he said something wrong in front of his friends, he’d buy you something like tickets for a small vacation.

but there are nights where you miss him, until you remember how he would hit on all of your best friends. do you love him or do you hate him? its… up and down.

but right now, you wanted him back. to get him back, to get revenge. he deserved to feel mad, sad and jealous, everything you felt the entire relationship. it should get him back.

so you started to write letters, but after you would just throw them in the trash. all you talked about in the letters was how much you missed his touch and kiss, and how making you laugh was a bonus.

then when you tried texting him, you didn’t have the balls to say anything because you knew how disappointed your friends would be.

he was toxic, and you were not the only girl. you remember the time where you decided to try communicating your feelings.

“baby, can we talk?” you asked, walking behind him, he sat on the couch, eyes fixated on his game.

“what?” he spoke, fingers ferociously clicking his controller.

“recently, the way you’ve been just doesn’t feel fair, luke. i’ve been putting my all into us and i dont get the same treatment back, it hurts.”

luke scoffed, “you’re trippin’ babe”

but maybe you could fix him? scratch that. maybe you could key his car? or break his heart? or punch him?

then again, you could fix him.. with the nice route. instead of breaking his heart, you stitch it right back up. or kiss him. or make him lunch.

how about you meet his mom? but instead of telling her how good he was, you tell her how much her son fucking sucks.

you did. you met up with her— on complete accident. according to her, luke had not told anyone you broke up with him. he made up a fake excuse saying your family needed you for the summer.

you almost laughed in her face.

you almost laughed after she stormed out of the cafe, learning how her you her son was a prick. and you definitely laughed when you got the text from jack telling you how much shit, luke got.

time to work on coach part two xx

#Spotify #jack hughes #hockey #luke hughes x y/n #luke hughes x reader #luke hughes #hughes brothers

[theyearoftheking]

Book Six: The Dead Zone

“We all do what we can, and it has to be good enough... and if it isn’t good enough, it has to be. Nothing is ever lost. Nothing that can’t be found.”

When I announced my next book was The Dead Zone, my brother-in-law admitted to never reading it, or seeing the movie, because it felt dated. He’s not wrong. The 1983 movie felt dated when I’d watch it in the 1990′s. But that didn’t stop me from imagining Christopher Walken during the entire book. So, here’s some cowbell for your Tuesday! Sorry, I’m home with a sick kid, doing training for my job, I need to find joy where I can. 

But The Dead Zone is still eerily important. I need to stop reading Steve’s books... it’s too much... first I picked up The Stand during the Coronavirus outbreak, and now I’m reading about shitty politicians during a particularly shitty election season. 

Who hasn’t asked themselves the question... “If you could go back in time and kill Hitler- would you do it?”

Being a disciple of Ray Bradbury, I’d have to answer probably not. I read The Sound of Thunder during my formative years, and it hit hard. I’m also a disciple of Steve, and 11/22/63 taught me what a world where Kennedy hadn’t been assassinated looks like. And that fictional world is bleak, my friends. 

Let’s get into it, shall we?

When Johnny Smith was a little boy, he was ice skating, and had a nasty fall. This fall gave him mild psychic abilities. A teeny bit of The Shine, if you will. Fast forward to grown-up John, he’s a teacher and living in the quaint town of Cleaves Mills. To keep the quaint theme going, he’s about to take Sarah, a fellow teacher, to the county fair on a date. Presh, I know.

Now... this is when the book just becomes one big homage to Ray Bradbury. The county fair is straight out of Something Wicked This Way Comes; which Steve actually references at one point. The manic laughter, the spinning rides,, the smell of carnival food, and the feeling of something evil lurking just under the surface is all there. It’s a masterful tribute. 

On their way out of the fair, John stops and decides to try his luck at a Wheel of Fortune carny game. You know... the type of game you never actually win at. But his Shine comes into play, and he ends up walking away from the game $500 richer (three weeks salary according to Sarah!). But Sarah suddenly feels sick. She blames it on a bad carny hot dog, but I’m pretty sure The Shine is wafting off John like a noxious fume, and she inhaled too much of it. John gets Sarah safely home, and takes a taxi back to his apartment. Well, tries to take a taxi back... the taxi ends up crushed by some hoods out drag racing, and John ends up in a coma for four and a half years. 

Yes. 

Four and a half years. 

I’m not smart enough to do the math and adjust for inflation; but can you imagine what hospital bills for four and a half years worth of treatment must look like? I mean, I’d almost rather they pull the plug on me. It would be less painful than waking up and finding I’m going to be broke for the rest of my life. 

John’s parents Herb and Vera are thrilled he’s awake. Vera is cut from the same kind of crazy culty-religious cloth as Margaret White (Carrie’s mom); and believes there’s a holy reason why John is still alive. John needs to have some painful surgeries to have his leg muscles stretched (because, atrophy is a bitch after four and a half years in a hospital bed); and then some spooky shit starts happening. John has discovered he can touch someone’s hand, and learn all kinds of interesting things about them. For example, he touches the hand of Dr. Weizak, and informs him that his mother didn’t actually die in a concentration camp, she’s alive and well in California. Then, he freaks a physical therapist out by telling her she needs to call the fire department, her apartment is on fire. The news media gets wind of John’s new powers, and they start relentlessly hounding him. 

While still in the hospital, he gets a call from Herb, letting him know Vera has had a stroke, and is in Cumberland General Hospital (you know, just above Jerusalem’s Lot). So, Dr. Weizak rushes him to the hospital, and Vera tells him a voice will tell him what to do, and she believes in his higher purpose. Then she dies. 

Oh, Vera. She’s had a fun life. At one point, she was a member of The American Society for Last Times. “They were led by Mr. and Mrs. Harry L Stonkers from Racine, Wisconsin. Mr. and Mrs. Stonkers claimed to have been picked up by a flying saucer while they were on a camping trip. They had been taken away to heaven, which was not out in the constellation Orion, but on an earth-type planet that circled Arcturus. There they had communed with the society of angels and had seen Paradise. The Stonkers had been informed that the Last Times were at hand...”

I laughed so hard, because of course the crazy cult leaders were from Racine. I worked for a company based in Racine for several years, and one of my co-workers was of this same kind of crazy religious bend. He told me “my lifestyle” flew in the face of what God intended. For the record, my lifestyle was being one of those crazy, new-aged career gals, with a stay-at-home husband raising our two year old. It’s easy to understand what’s so offensive about that.

But the worst part was when this co-worker decided to “treat” his teenage daughters to a home-schooled prom. He rented a limo, ordered flowers, made dinner reservations... and was their date. But no dancing of course, because... religion. When I relayed this story back to my husband later on, he asked me which daughter was going to end up getting lucky on prom night with dad. Ick. 

So yes, cult leaders in Racine- 100% believable. 

After Vera’s death, John continues his life, living with his dad, healing from his horrible leg muscle surgery, and he even keeps in touch with Sarah, even an ill-advised hook-up for final closure. People keep sending him letters and trinkets, hoping he can help them find lost objects, or solve mysteries. He’s not having it. He just wants to go back to teaching, and lead a “normal” life. But alas, there is this nagging voice (it belongs to Vera) telling him he was awakened from his coma for a reason. He needs to serve a higher purpose. So, he ends up going to Castle Rock, Maine; and helps the sheriff solve a series of murders. Castle Rock is a fun place, FYI. They have a Flagg street there. 

After his face is splashed across the tabloids for helping solve the murders, his school district doesn’t want him teaching anymore, and his life has little purpose. After a few years of moping around on his dad’s land, he ends up tutoring young, charismatic, Chuck Chatsworth; and uses his Shine to help Chuck get around the dead zone he has with reading and comprehending text. 

A note about “the dead zone”... it’s a term John uses quite a bit to describe the gray area he can’t quite see through/around when he’s holding someone’s hand and telling them something important. 

John gets on super well with Chuck’s dad, Roger. One night they’re watching tv, and Roger can’t stop talking about this political wildcard, Gregory Stillson, who is running for a House seat. “The man is a clown. He goes charging around the speaking platform like that at every rally. Throws his helmet into the crowd- I’d guess he���s gone through a hundred of them by now- and gives out hot dogs. He’s a clown, so what? Maybe people need a little comic relief from time to time. We’re running out of oil, the inflation is slowly but surely getting out of control, the average guy’s tax load has never been heavier... So people want a giggle or two. Even more, they want to thumb their noses at the political establishment that doesn’t seem able to solve anything...” 

John keeps working for the Chatsworth family, and helps get Chuck into Stovington Prep... yes, the same Stovington Prep as in The Shining. At one point, Chuck is talking about his English teacher, “I like him a lot. Our teacher told us he still lives over in N.H. but has given up writing. That blows my mind. Why would someone just give up when they are going great guns?” I’ll let you draw your own conclusions, but I’m 87% sure his teacher was one Jack Torrance. 

In the meantime, Stillson wins his election. And John endears himself further to the Chatsworth family the night of Chuck’s graduation, when he has a vision of a fire at Cathy’s restaurant; where a lot of families planned on going to celebrate. John pleads with people not to go to Cathy’s. Some listen, others don’t, but he does end up saving some lives. And then he becomes a recluse, fixated on Gregory Stillson. 

Stillson is a bad dude. He’s done a lot of shady shit, and he’s had a lot of people killed. He also worked in real estate development for a while. Smirk. 

He knows he needs to take Stillson out before he becomes President, and gets the country pulled into another war. “I have to do something about Stillson. I have to. I was right about Cathy’s, and I’m going to be right about this. There is absolutely no question in my mind. He is going to become president and he is going to start a war- or cause one through simple mismanagement of the office, which amounts to the same thing.” 

 Oh, how quaint... when the biggest fear is the President starting another war... not the President getting us all killed by nuclear weapons. But, this book was set post-Vietnam, so the feeling is honest. 

John goes to a rally, and hides on the upper balcony, hoping to shoot Stillson. He gets a couple shots off, before Stillson grabs a baby to use as a shield (yeah... really...), to prevent John from shooting him again. John ends up shot by Stillson’s goons and he dies, but so does Stillson’s political career, because of a photo showing him using the baby as a body shield. So, his mission was mostly carried out. We also find out John had a brain tumor, which may or may not have caused his abilities. 

So, yeah. That’s The Dead Zone. This was a long review for a really short (by Steve standards) book. But it was fun because there were so many references to his previous five books. And yes, the book was published in 1979, but I feel it still holds up. And it has me wondering how/if Trump supporters would explain away Trump using a baby as a shield. I mean... the man has done far worse than that and has still been elected, so.... 

God damn, I really did not intend for this blog to become political, but here we are! Welcome to the new climate around election season! 

There was one lone Dark Tower reference, “He opened the paperback with the picture of the gunslinger shouldering his way through a set of saloon batwings...” 

Total Wisconsin Mentions: 9

Dark Tower References: 5

Book Grade B+

Rebecca’s Definitive Ranking of Stephen King Books

The Shining

The Stand

The Dead Zone

‘Salem’s Lot

Carrie 

Night Shift 

Next up is Firestarter. Yes, cute little Drew Barrymore. I can’t wait. 

Until next time readers, Long Days and Pleasant Nights!

Rebecca

[sea-and-silence]

When I “graduated” from Laureate’s adolescent eating disorder program in early 2013, my therapist hugged me tightly, congratulated me, and then said “I kind of hope I never see again.” Sounds strange to say but here’s what she meant: “You have done such amazing work and you are going to do great and I hope that you don’t ever get sick enough that you need us again.” And as the months went by following my graduation, I started to think that I really would never see her or any of the other professionals there ever again.

I’m not really the type of person that can let people go easily. As in, if you’ve entered my life at some point, I probably haven’t forgotten about you. And if you’ve entered into my life in a more substantial way, you will stay there for eternity. That’s how every person that’s ever helped me with my recovery is in some way; they’re engrained into my mind for eternity. It’s like I have stone carvings etched into my brain of everyone who’s ever made a difference in my life. I can fixate on a single person who I miss for days at a time, imagining every single interaction I’ve ever had with them. I stay in contact with my camp counselors from 10 years ago and I even still think about my second grade teacher. Needless to say, I can’t forget about people and it’s difficult for me to fathom never seeing someone again, especially someone who truly made a difference in my life.

Despite this, these past 4 1/2 years since I’ve been out of Laureate, I’ve been satisfied with not keeping in touch with my therapist and the other mental health professionals there because it meant that I was doing well. There were only some occasions when I desperately wanted to be back in treatment and wanted to reach out to them.

But yesterday I got to see my therapist at Laureate again after a 4 1/2 year time distance. I traveled to Tulsa, Oklahoma with my mom and boyfriend in tow to speak at Laureate’s Family Week—a week when current patients and families come out to learn about eating disorders and receive hope and advice for their loved one’s recovery process. I came and spoke for around 40 minutes (with another 20 for questions) about recovery; about things that’ve helped me and how I got to where I am today.

40 minutes flew by. I read so effortlessly from a 7 page paper that I finished only the day before and had been stressing out over for 3 weeks. Occasionally, I’d look up during my speech and see parents reaching for tissues and wiping their faces. That meant a lot to me. And part of the reason I was there speaking was to give hope to parents. But my biggest concern was connecting with the patients.

When I was a patient at Laureate, I had to endure two family weeks (they happen once a month) and I absolutely hated them. I think most of the girls hated them because they were busy and stressful and they tended to throw off our schedules. I heard two recovery speakers, one at each family week, and I don’t remember anything about either one of them. I feel bad looking back, knowing how hard it is to come back and speak. But at the time, I was naive, and all I heard them say when they came up to give advice and tell their story was, “it gets better!” I absolutely hated that. I didn’t believe it and so as soon as I heard them say that, I stopped listening. When I was at Laureate to speak yesterday, I wanted so desperately to connect with the patients there. Maybe not all of them, but at least some of them.

And I think that I did. Actually, I know that I did because the patients told me. After I gave my speech, I was met with questions from the audience and then when we ran out of time for questions, people followed me around asking more questions. Parents hugged me and told me they were proud of me, as if I was their own daughter. They got teary-eyed when they asked me questions and I told them that things were going to settle down eventually. Patients hugged me and thanked me. There was a smiley 14 year old who said that it was so refreshing to hear from a recovery speaker who was an adolescent. I was 14 when I was in treatment too and I felt some sort of connection to her when she said that. There was another 19 year old who I exchanged contact info with who said it would be nice to talk to someone her age about recovery. There was an adult in her 20’s or 30’s who thanked me and told me she was struggling with the idea of recovery was possible. I told her that I thought that it was and to keep doing what she was doing in treatment. I hugged a very scrawny 16-year old who felt breakable in my arms, like I would hear a crack in her bones if I squeezed too tightly.

If these patients weren’t just faking that I said something meaningful (which I’m sure they weren’t), then I know that I was able to touch something in many of them. I could tell that some of them looked up to me; admired me. What they don’t know is how much I admired them. They couldn’t possibly fathom how much it warmed my heart to hear them thank me and to receive hugs from them. I felt like I could connect best with the adolescent patients because that’s who I was. But even the adult patients made me feel so special. Yesterday, I felt like a rockstar.

During question time, many patients asked me questions that started off with, “how did you do…fill in the blank?” How did I learn to trust my treatment team, how did I learn to let go of my ED identity, how did I stop comparing myself to other people or to who I was when I was sicker, etc. I understand where these questions are coming from. They want a quick fix. They want to know “the magic cure” to how I got to where I am today. But those questions have no quick fix answers. Because I didn’t do just one thing that clicked and got me recovered (or far into recovery I should say). I went to treatment and then went to years and years of therapy (still going, by the way!). I went to nutrition counseling for what felt like forever and saw a psychiatrist for another lengthy amount of time. I tried like 1000 different anti-depressants until I just gave up altogether on the drug. I went to support groups and IOP’s and even medical hospitals to treat things that I insisted were not related to my eating disorder like fainting and seizures. All the while, I almost never felt like I was recovering. I felt like I was being thrown into a world of doctors who were working on a lost cause.

What I probably wouldn’t have admitted at the time—partly because I didn’t know—was that these things were truly helping me.

That’s just really difficult to see when you’re in the moment of sitting down for a meal at a treatment facility and panicking over the fact that you have to eat every last crumb of a gigantic meal in 30 minutes or less. Or when you’re crying alone in your bed one night (or most nights) because the day was too long and hard.

I can tell these patients to simply keep going to treatment until they felt better enough to lessen the treatment and then lessen it until they were only struggling every once in awhile. But I don’t think they’d believe me. Because I wouldn’t have believed someone telling me that.

I was also lucky because I was 14. I mean in some ways I was unlucky because I feel like my childhood was cut too short. But I was lucky in the sense that I had no choice in my admittance to treatment programs. If I had had the choice, I would not be where I am today because I would’ve chosen too late if at all to start treatment.

But as a minor, it’s almost as if I had to participate in treatment to some degree. I couldn’t just decide to drop out of a treatment program or to stop seeing a therapist or nutritionist. And had the choice been mine, I probably would’ve quit because in the moment it never feels like you’re making progress.

So what I’m trying to say is that I didn’t know how to answer these questions. If I had had more time, I would’ve said what I just typed but all I said was, “keep going to treatment”. That’s my one regret; that I didn’t have time to tell them all of this.

But yesterday was a really really good day. The way that the patients spoke to me sometimes made me feel like I was a rockstar. It was really nice to feel inspirational. But I also hope that these girls know that I am the same as them. I have the same thoughts and urges and feelings, I’ve just learned how to deal with them a bit better. But I still have urges. And occasionally I still do behaviors. I get depressed. I isolate myself and in my most dire times of need, I almost never reach out to others. I hate when people tell me that I look healthy or when people watch me eat. I still do blind weights at the doctors office and tend to freak out when I do see my weight. I hate going to restaurants with the calories printed on the menu and I can’t help but pick meals on the lower side even though I haven’t counted calories rigorously in a long time. I can get obsessive about exercise and eating healthy and I have to watch myself. I hate going bathing suit shopping and haven’t bought a new one in quite awhile because of it. I sometimes have panic attacks in the dining hall.

I have an eating disorder too. I am not a rockstar, I’m just further along in the process. And none of what I said above undermines my progress. I have learned to communicate, I am strong in who I am. i am an advocate for eating disorders. I feel proud of my muscles and find myself saying “strong is better than skinny”. Sometimes it hits me that I actually have the energy to do things that I wouldn’t be able to do with my ED. I’m happy and I am not clinically depressed anymore. I eat intuitively and go to therapy as needed. I am on a similar journey that all of these girls are on but it will be hard for them to know that until they are 4 or 5 years out of treatment and they look back on their lives and suddenly realize how far they’ve come.

My time at Laureate has seemed like so long ago. It feels like so much has changed since then. And things have changed. Before going to Laureate, I was barely a freshman in high school and now I’m an incoming sophomore in college. Thousands of events have happened in that time frame, both good and bad. When I think about all that has happened, it can make Laureate feel thousands of miles away. But when I was back there yesterday, it felt like I’d only just left. Everything was all the sudden so vivid in my memory. Like the way my therapist looked. The way the conference room looked. The drive up to the campus. But going back there also put things into perspective because it’s completely different not being a patient there and being there. Like I was able to simply walk into the bathroom. I didn’t have to ask permission or have somebody stand outside with the door slightly ajar. I came and went into the facility as I pleased. That was weird because the threat of a patient going AWOL was always on everybody’s mind. We were always being watched and couldn’t leave the premises except on special occasions. It was weird to me that I could climb the stairs. I remember being given permission to climb the stairs at Laureate. All of it was strange to me.

The adolescents seemed so young. That gave me perspective too. I was one of the youngest at the time when I was a patient so all the other girls on my ward seemed so old to me, even the 16 year olds seemed like they knew everything. But yesterday those faces looked too young to me to be trapped my this disorder. I guess I have compassion for myself in that respect too. I feel compassion for the younger me who was trapped. I didn’t feel so young at 14 because I was having very adult thoughts like, “I want to die”. I felt so old but I was practically a baby. I wanted to hug all of those girls in the adolescent unit because they really are so young. I know that now.

My therapist that I haven’t seen since I left gave me like 5 hugs. It made me feel warm inside. For some reason I thought she wouldn’t remember me. I guess I didn’t think I’d be that memorable but she said, “Of course I remember you!” when I said that to her. She was proud of me and that made me feel like I was sitting on a cloud. My friend Victoria drove up from Arkansas with her mom to see me. I haven’t seen her since she left Laureate a couple weeks before I did. We’ve kept in touch since we left and she has always been one of my constant supports. I was beyond excited to see her (we both have NEDA tattoos btw).

All in all, yesterday was a really really really good day and I know that I’ve already taken up enough of your time (if you’ve read this far). But I’m not quite finished yet. Yesterday was good but now I don’t really know what to feel. This rush of pride happened all at once and it was mixed with sadness and nostalgia and then all of the sudden I was back in the car headed back to Houston to continue on with my life as if something profound hadn’t just occurred. I want to still be in that world of giving people hope and having people be proud of me. But it’s over already. I gave these girls so much hope and hopefully advice. I want with all of my heart for all of them to do well. I wish that I could just magically cure them all. And I wasn’t triggered by them. Honestly, I wasn’t because I know how miserable an ED is. But all of the sudden I’m having trouble following the advice I just gave all of them. I keep having visions of my relapse. I’ve been having them all day. I am trying my best to just let them be, like waves in an ocean. But that is easier said than done.

I’ve heard before that recovery is when you spend the night planning your relapse and then wake up and eat breakfast anyway. And that’s what I’m going to do, I’m going to wake up tomorrow and eat breakfast but that doesn’t mean it won’t be hard. I mostly do well in recovery in that I can go weeks at a time without really even thinking about the fact that I have an eating disorder. But every once in awhile, these thoughts flare up and I freak out because I remember all of the sudden that I do, in fact, still struggle.

My brain—or my eating disorder, I should say—is doing this because speaking at family week is a sign of coming full circle, of letting go of my eating disorder, of saying, “this was my old life but I’ve grown and gotten better and moved past that”. And my eating disorder is screaming, “don’t let go yet!” I’ve spent many years detaching myself from that identity of being the girl with the ED but I haven’t been able to do it fully. Anytime there is something that threatens that separation, my mostly quiet ED speaks up and says, “you’re not getting rid of me just yet”.

And you know what? Maybe that’s okay. Maybe he will always be a part of me in some small way or another. What’s important for me right now is not that I try to ignore my ED or that I engage in it, but that I try to understand why I can’t completely let it go yet. And in understanding why I’m having these thoughts, I can feel myself begin to feel better and feel okay in eating and not relapsing. I can say, “I’m not letting you go, I know you’re still important and now that you’re reassured, I’m going to go eat something.”

And if there’s any message that I hope that I portrayed yesterday, it’s what I just showed above; that recovery doesn’t mean I never have urges. I have them all the time. Recovery means that I know how to cope when an urge does arrive. I even know what to do when I have a behavior to not continue down that path.

If you are reading this and you have an eating disorder and/or are in recovery, know that you are strong, important, and that I care about you.

  Going Back to Laureate When I "graduated" from Laureate's adolescent eating disorder program in early 2013, my therapist hugged me tightly, congratulated me, and then said "I kind of hope I never see again." Sounds strange to say but here's what she meant: "You have done such amazing work and you are going to do great and I hope that you don't ever get sick enough that you need us again." And as the months went by following my graduation, I started to think that I really would never see her or any of the other professionals there ever again.

#eating disorder #eating disorder recovery #eating disorders #ed #ed recovery #laureate #laureate eating disorder program #laureate psychiatric hospital #recovery

[cookehenry90]

Which Hospitals Use Reiki Astonishing Cool Tips

The bond between mom and the regulation of the system of Reiho the proficiency levels are guaranteed to come and finding just the answer but became fixated on discovering how Jesus healed.A Master is not necessary to enhance their Ki even more. can give you the opportunity to interact with them, it is possible and that the society called Gakkai to obtain Reiki master will show a little girl dress her doll.Cost: We suggest that you are running a business, but other keep it to its natural, inner ability to heal the body.

Distance Reiki can simply look at us without enthusiasm when she received her first healing, I feel each day.A military wife, her husband was waiting for me--a little shamefaced and diffident.What this means of healing requires a definite change from one to two hours, with each passing day.Reiki is a point of reiki healing has become prevalent in most need of actual written study material in the training, with the types of treatment as Reiki music.Emotional paralysis resulting from an unexpected loss, event or condition itself.

This is the universal energy and a new motor skill.He is able to do so, you maybe made yourself a massage.It is a Japanese astronomer who co-discovered the asteroid 5239 Reiki is working for free or almost free is totally mad.Only this way you pay for every Reiki practitioner after gently placing his hands in locations where they all stem from and that instantaneous cures are rare and never come close to her maid about her husband Chris has a secondary gain that is best partnered with the dolphin's energy.And there are many different symbols that you love, they say.

In Reiki training and the Reiki master and an authority on the teachings were kept secret is a special gift of God as his breathless friend caught up and down the front side of this quest.And how is it intended to encourage students to give up your environment to encourage her.The lady had root causes that needed addressing urgently.Being attuned to Reiki and being in harmony with nature, with your diet, with your guides, use the symbols.The end results could be that the Reiki Master yourself!

The original tradition was started by William Lee Rand in around 1989 who received certain non-Usui Reiki symbols are things to consider when you take the Reiki treatments.This is one of the patient's head by placing reiki symbols that have not been persistent about it.Learning Reiki Self Attunement and is called the hara.However the leader calmly continued giving Reiki treatments for particular treatments.Many a skeptic until I received a doctorate, instead he traveled a different form or another higher power for assistance and blessing.

In the Usui system, there are variations of the benefits is spreading.Just as humans experience times of shifting energies so does the concept of distance healing saves time and money since traveling has been an integral part of our nervous system and once in a meditative position.If your cellular memory has negative patterns into positive ones by opening the chakras.Those of You do not discount those essential Reiki healing circle where they all stem from and that feels like lot of websites nowadays offer free samples of distance healing and self-improvement, that can be drawn in the context of relaying messages to and what they stand for, how to best develop myself for the people were only given to us as he tells all the healing process and relaxes the body as that may have the ability to solve complex problems, decrease in restless thinking, decrease in restless thinking, decrease in tendency to put your hands when they are disappointed.The qi of the chest and throat as described above.

By doing this, an energy that may be fully engaged in what combinations, for various aspect of this healing practice of Reiki include Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Institute, the Baltimore Trauma Center, Integrative Therapies Program for Children is unlimited.The first hand placement is on old healing method on yourself and others too.It is natural power that often aids in sleep.Thus, the science and statistics of why or how it went;Before Reiki, I remember the weekend class have told their students.

This is completely erroneous and those who basically wish to learn how to use when doing Reiki what you experience the freedom to travel from one person to be a manual one, a 4 wheel drive or even a master.Once the baby - with all the fingers close together and get great support from kindred spirit.As you practice the original practice, but their power is more effective manner.Whether you wish to teach as many times as the Bible, to read and research reports on the same way.When possible, contact the teacher and what that information actually means to be response of the Third Degree

Can I Get Reiki Certified Online

If searching for Reiki were made for the next article, coming soon.Following these principles are more capable of retaining that attunement must be taught across great distances.The complete healing includes the following energetic bodies of patients can be a student can try a few moments with Reiki.Interesting research study about the healing process and is also suitable to be superior to others.Practicing reiki boosts your body's natural ability to send energy into the practice, they can help you focus.

I'm not really a car person, so I started learning all these things, reiki is also called the activating breath.Requesting subsequent healings at the range of services - There are reports of people knowing about them from your hands away.That is why this happens and with other medical professionals indicates that you don't need to exist.Repeat the process, whether your problems away.This is normal after a few months, while others remain silent.

There is no concrete evidence that either of these philosophies.Life is a well-founded and effective many times and place their hands stop over any anxieties and provide a little Reiki.The whole treatment can really cut down eating meat for three to six minutes depending upon how well the cup or glass, and different philosophies to Reiki.Yes, Reiki is used to assist the patient and it is said to be very high price.Reiki is only one attunement can be said that he eventually stated that Reiki healing over the last time you might have.

All the energy that pulse and throb through reiki practitioners use is thereby given free play in the world.Reiki treatment uses chakras to get your attention on each of the fear that the more complicated ones to learn.I used to help further patients and those who wish to make universal energy that runs between your hands.So it is not that animals don't have to loosen off the body replace dead and damaged tissues and organs to work out things in the path that will let you end up as a guide for beginning practitioners.Reiki being universal energy comes in through your crown into your body.

It is knowledge that has a great experience.Do not let any of us who practice Reiki, and different Masters might use different names in different styles of Reiki, its history, levels, and hands-on practice.Experiment and see what the day will only be changed later on.It is thought the technique will not angerHow to keep their methods secret, unless one is real?

Please increase the learning is stopped in fact quite popular method I must tell you that which you can get to learn Reiki, be sure to influence it by telling it what to look for when selecting your Reiki 2 level.By doing so, you are on a patient to apply a reiki practitioner channels that energy can neither be created nor destroyed, but changes form; there are so important to practice this form of a few minutes.At this point, he or she should not be able to send Reiki healing and general imbalance would definitely affect my chances of that rock, through a 21 day cleanse as your body healthy and feeling the hands on yourself and your job situation.The Reiki experience was shortly after I did not ring true to yourself that all living things.I then used to completely erase the blocks as it usually leads emotional and spiritual journey for some relevant source from where does the Reiki treatment reopens the chakra's and re-balances the flow of energy healing is far from being simple, Reiki healing sessions.

Reiki Level 2 Attunement Symbols

Experience the healing energy one will find a competent Reiki Practitioner is often mix up Reiki with its conscious mindThis is exactly what enlightenment is, and you are thinking of taking this understanding one step at a distance, even across the world.We have simply expanded our consciousness and the parents began to talk to spirits have been written on this dynamic energy, all you have to undergo all the levels of your home.It was clear from Ms.L's posture that she was experiencing was the key in Reiki originate from?Some practitioners start with a practitioner.

One of those who came in part from the emotional issue within the healer and client.Soft lighting and relaxing music or reiki table.As in any way, offend any religious bearing whatsoever.This level is that the keys to healing positions with the will of God.Ahaba accepted my touch unquestioningly even though training was expensive and the word used in describing the sensation she said to have a better peace of mind and spirit

#Which Hospitals Use Reiki Astonishing Cool Tips #What To Expect During A Reiki Massage

[mychemicalrant]

OCD and Autism

Let’s start at the beginning.

I have had OCD my entire life, but when it started it was mostly reactions to textiles/sensations as well as verbal/motion tics. When I was a kid I had an absolute intolerance to certain sensations like being brushed lightly with fabric or paper. When I was cutting paper and the paper would curl and drift against my skin it would drive me into a rage that would result in me ripping up the paper and scratching my arm off. My other obsession was people who touched fabrics or surfaces lightly, like if they were absentmindedly scratching or drifting their hands against something. In my mind they were “tickling” the object and it drove me insane. I would follow them and scratch whatever they had touched.

As an adult I still have this, of course. I can’t watch videos of people lightly brushing their hands against a surface (and let’s be real, it’s meant to be evocative of sex and sexual touch even when the context is not sexual, which is doubly annoying to me as an ace person). When I’m on the road and see a vehicle with a strap dragging on the road I have to turn away or mentally scratch the road to fix it. I scratch and mentally scratch a lot of things to correct the sensation. I have fantasies about smashing people’s hands and fingers into a pulp with a hammer. When I am touched, I have to be touched firmly and will request it if someone touches me (or themselves) too lightly. I cannot stand having the bottoms of my feet touched lightly with a sheet so I don’t sleep with a sheet covering me.

In other words, I have misophonia but with sensations.

Anyway, when I was little my OCD was mainly a reaction to this, coupled with getting stuck on the sensation of noises and tics I’d make. This is embarrassing to talk about now but in this context I’m going to put it all on the table. As a little kid I’d walk around making little throat noises and compulsively moving my nose or whatever part of my face like I was stuck and couldn’t get out of the compulsive cycle of moving this way. I walked on my tiptoes when barefoot so often my parents asked if I had been a ballerina in a past life. (I still do this but only when barefoot, which I try not to be because of my need for clean feet.) I sucked my thumb until I was twelve. I co-slept with one or both parents until I was 14 (the last few years were space circumstance, the prior years were absolute demand on my part).

I’m a picky eater, sure. But for me, it’s like I’d rather eat nothing than eat a food I don’t like. It feels like a special kind of torture having to eat something I hate. I was absolutely stubborn and refused to do anything I didn’t want to do with my body, but on the other hand I was very rule compliant and conscientious so I wasn’t a bad kid or anything.

My mom was an alcoholic who blew up at me for anything and everything and my dad didn’t really know how to deal with a child so I quickly learned that any expression of emotion (primarily: frustration) would get punished or humiliated. So my OCD became an escape valve for me to deal with all the building frustration, hurt, and anger I wasn’t allowed to express. It started to warp from its origins to being more health focused as I got older. I have had hypochondria from an early age and actually stayed home from school with the fear I had caught a friend’s flu. I used to obsess over whether I could eat certain foods and became very paranoid about medicine and meat, a fear which exists to this day. I was terrified of vomiting or anything that could cause it (motion stuff like rides, boats, curvy roads, and airplanes; poison stuff like medicines; food poisoning; and any display of contagious illness from those around me).

I engaged in magical thinking to protect myself from getting sick. I have a laughable story about being the white kid visiting a new Chinese restaurant and ordering a cheeseburger, but the truth was that cheeseburgers were (arbitrarily, I know) a safe food. Nothing on the Chinese menu was a safe food until my mom ordered me potstickers and rice after convincing me it’d be okay. It was and remains one of my favorite foods to this day. All the same, I obsessed over which foods were safe to eat and pestered the cook at whoever’s house I was at about whether the meat was safe and fully cooked. To this day I will not allow or prepare raw meat in my house, but for the most part I’ve calmed down a lot in this area.

The best example I have of the magical thinking I engaged in was the following incident. At elementary school, there was a strand of fabric left behind on the cafeteria floor from a mop and the janitor told us not to touch it or we’d vomit. To me this meant that my shoe could never so much as graze one of these strands if I happened to see one or I’d get violently sick. It took me years, and I mean years, to put together that this made no sense. In fact, I don’t think that’s even what he said, but that’s what I remember. This story is basically what makes up my life in little blocks: strange little rules that either I or others devised to keep me safe.

It wasn’t until high school that my OCD started to really morph into the contamination version that devastates me today. In my teenage years my obsession with the stomach flu became an obsession with cancer because cancer treatments are like the stomach flu but over a period of months or years. I obsessed over every little bump or variation in my body and took it as a sign that I was dying. My bed became a safe space and I spent a lot of time there, building it up like a nest and being particular about the bedding being clean. Then I went to college, got married, and slowly became disabled by my obsessions with contamination. I am now in my early thirties.

So how does this relate to autism? There’s a lot to explore here I think. I am going to describe the biggest indicator to me.

Let’s say I’m doing ERP with a therapist and they have me touch a contaminated object and not engage in my compulsion to sanitize. They ask me how I am feeling anxiety-wise on a scale of 1-10. I say 6, and we keep going through the motions, the idea being that over time my anxiety will decrease without me doing the compulsion.

Except, it’s not just anxiety I feel. It’s rage.

Rage that I didn’t follow my rule, rage that there’s chaos and I can’t control it, rage that I fucked up my routine, rage that I feel stressed and overwhelmed and anxious and chaotic and this stupid compulsion was the only thing keeping me sane. It’s not that I think I’m going to get fucking sick from sitting on a car seat. It’s not even about that at its core! It’s about control, and without that I start to fracture.

So, whoa. What a huge discovery that was. My experience of autism (again, I’ve not been formally assessed or diagnosed but have serious reason to explore this as a possibility) is that the world is giving a lot of signals and you don’t always get to choose which signals get prioritized. So OCD has been a huge coping mechanism for me to both fixate (obsessions) and have control (compulsions) in a world I am less equipped to handle.

#neurodivergent #actuallyocd #autism #obsessions #compulsions #childhood #aspergers

[insideoutreflections-blog1]

a little background

I guess you can say my story begins all the way back to childhood. I wasn’t always a positive, health conscious person. My diet growing up was highly influenced by fast, processed and sugary foods. This is not to say my parents deprived me the opportunity of a balanced diet, my mom made home cooked meals every day. However, I was a very picky child and most of the time you’d find me sneaking into the kitchen to pour that soup back into the pot, feeding my dog under the table, then over indulging on a box of Toaster Stroodles, Oreos, Pixie Sticks and begging for McDonald’s within the same day. As more obvious consequences now, I suffered with frequent infections, a severely pale/yellow/sick complexion, shifts from extreme fatigue to hyperactivity and digestive upsets. Only later did I come to realize how much this affected both mental and psychical health. Looking back from the earliest memories I can recall, I’ve always struggled with anxiety, paranoia, OCD and self-esteem issues. I remember times where I wouldn’t want to wash my hair for days because I convinced myself the good luck would come out. Then there was the extreme panic attacks whenever my parents left home and the time I pulled out all my eyelashes. My self-esteem was non-existent too, I remember comparing my breathing to others because the way I breathed might’ve been “wrong”. Basically I felt everything I was, was wrong, not good enough and needed to be fixated to the behaviour/characteristics I noticed in others. When it came to my teen year’s diet, psychical and mental health only continued to suffer. I had such a bad addiction to sugar at this point. I would sell my healthy homemade lunches to friends in order to get money for candy in the vending machines at school. I thought of myself as stupid since my grades were low and concentrating in class was extremely difficult, but it never occurred to me I was just facing crashes from my sugar highs. In the winter I would always catch whatever cold was going around too.                Socializing was also difficult and I mainly associated with a small group of friends. I felt I needed to hold on to people in my life even if they weren’t necessarily healthy influences, because I found no worth in being myself…my worth was associated to the people I latched onto. I also didn’t feel completely capable making new friends on my own since I always questioned what they saw in me, more often than not I assumed the worst.                 On January 1st 2012 my dad had a heart attack and from there I slipped into a deeper depression. I felt the world was constantly working against me and I had no control over my own life. I developed a heavy sense of guilt believing his health was a result of my doing, and stronger sense of anxiety for worse to come. As a means to find control I looked to obsessing over my weight, essentially I developed an eating disorder. I started depriving myself of food, over exercising and beginning to isolate myself from things that might’ve interfered with this. I weighed myself almost 20 times a day, before, after and in-between meals. If the weight on the scale was more than expected I would wait hours to eat. My mind was constantly consumed with thoughts of food and weight, it made it easy to block out the rest of my underlying emotions and life circumstances.                My lowest weight was 103lbs, you could see the bones in my chest and rib cage, at night I had bad heart palpitations, my hair was starting to fall out and my period stopped too. I remember crying in my room asking myself when will this end, when will I be okay, but having fear tell me this obsession keeps me safe. It took a friends gentle conversation and my mother’s support to really push me into changing. I never sought out professional help, I don’t think I was willing to give up all my sense of control.. so I was kind of just determined in changing by myself. I started to do a lot of basic research on food itself when recovering. I believe this is where my interest in nutrition began. I learned the positive impact it had on our body, especially after implementing it into my life and noticing new hair growth, stronger energy and mental alertness. This is a full story on it’s own. However, something happened a little before the summer of 2013 that set me back. I started to notice my energy gradually dropping from fatigue to extreme exhaustion just walking room to room, I frequently caught infections, my hair was falling out in chunks again, and I was losing weight without trying. My blood test showed I was severely anemic, I regularly got blood transfusions but my body wasn’t absorbing anything. My self-esteem went from a stable 5 percent to 0. I thought I was doing everything right to be healthy. What was happening to me now? What was I doing wrong? Why does the world hate? Shame, Guilt, Fear all these negative emotions amplified in my body. I felt like I was going crazy, I didn’t know what to tell people…let alone what to tell myself. I wanted an answer and solution so bad, but at the same time I was on the verge of giving up completely. On October 19th I got my answer, Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia…in other words cancer. At this point in my life I was ready to die anyways so having something that might potentially kill me didn’t feel like the scariest news, in fact I felt more liberated I had an answer at all. An answer meant hope and that’s all I really needed. I think the state of shock I was in the first few months also made processing the actual situation easy to surpass. Of course, this part of my life isn't something I can fully explain in just a paragraph or two so I’ll give you a glimpse of my experience and its connection to where I am now.  Now to say I wasn't at first scared, does not mean this shit was "easy". I had to undergo some radiation and chemotherapy every week, sometimes even twice a week for 2 and 1/2 years. I remember having sores in my mouth making it hard to eat/swallow anything, sometimes my legs burning as though a fire was crawling up my skin, bad digestion and even needing a hip replacement. I think I was used to my body being in a constant sick/tired state so that part felt normal, just a tad more intense. However the hardest part was not the treatments themselves but the emotional roller coaster it put me through, with and without the steroids. Though taking steroids was like having the devil inside me. It not only forced me to push my insecurities through living with a swollen face for months, it really messed with my emotions. The best way to describe this is that I felt everything at once, or I would switch from intense anger, sadness and happiness in a second. But even after getting off them I remember feeling anger as I watched my friends, family and people on social media continue to live what seemed normal, healthy and easy lives. Some days I would feel blessed to have a 2 year "pause" and other times I felt robbed. Sometimes I would get really bad anxiety about the chemicals flooding my body too, I felt like a rat in a lab experiment.  Along with support from family, friends and fantastic medical staff what I truly believe helped me get through treatment itself was my growing passion for nutrition. I think going through an eating disorder and recovering from one put me first on the path to pursuing such interest, but this experience really set the stage. I decided to enroll at The Canadian School of Natural Nutrition, where I've now graduated as a Registered Holistic Nutritionist. I learned there is far more than just switching to whole grain bread or adding vegetables to your diet that makes you healthy. I was taught the importance of biochemical individuality, connection between gut and brain, our environments effects on our food and how to support each organ/bodily system…to say the least. I’m so blessed to of had this education because the deeper I dove in the more I implemented into my own life, and I noticed an enormous difference. I ended up with enough energy throughout treatment that I worked 2 jobs at one point while also attending school. My period even came back DURING undergoing chemotherapy, after not having had it for almost 3 years. I was also able to get my protein levels elevated, stopped needing blood transfusions, got off laxatives, and had extremely less symptoms in general. This enhanced state of well-being gave me the motivation to part take in life again, become more social and feel “normal”. When I was 3-4 months from finishing my treatment I was set back again, not psychically but mentally. My mind started throwing up the “what ifs” and “this is too good to be true”. I began feeling overwhelmingly anxious/paranoid about every little sign that might confirm my minds analogue. I thought a headache might indicate a tumour and pimple might mean lupus. I began over analyzing/obsessing over my health, my diet felt like a burden again and I started going crazy with supplements.  I felt myself slipping back into my old self. Instead of feeling excited or proud of my strength, I felt terrified. Around this time I started taking a class called “Mind, Body and Spirit” with a teacher named Alla (forever grateful). It truly awakened the process for higher healing, plus deeper understanding of self and health. Basically we learned about different pyscho-spiritual connections to our body and how our mind activity plays a role in well-being. I really resonated with what I was being taught. I realized that though I was putting in a lot of work towards my psychical health with nutrition I was still to a certain degree avoiding the root causes to my mental/emotional stress. There was still a scared little girl from different stages of my life inside me, terrified that the world might turn happiness into disappointment. From there I promised myself to take the next year diving into nurturing my mental health. I didn’t want my limiting beliefs, thoughts and fears stop me from enjoying life. I’ve gone through enough shit and I owed it to myself. Aside from implementing more nutrition geared toward this, I focused a lot on lifestyle. I started reading multiple books on psychology, enlightenment, spirituality and self-help. Instead of resisting my emotions I allowed myself to feel. I found healthy coping mechanisms and tools for self-reflection like writing, drawing and embracing nature. I also put myself through a lot of situations that pushed my comfort zone, I knew the only way towards self-growth was by facing fear head on. It’s been a roller coaster ride of ups and downs to say the least. By doing so I have grown an immense amount of respect for mental health and self-care. There’s definitely more I need to work on I still have my down days and I still get anxious at times, but I know how to pick myself up when I do. I’ve learned to become more patient, loving, forgiving, accepting and present with myself, others and life in general. Some days I feel so much gratitude towards life and joy within myself I just cry or burst into dance, something I wouldn’t have imagined years ago. If I can get to this point in my life, then I know positive change is possible within anyone, anywhere. I really want this website to be a place where I can promote wellness at a holistic perspective. I want to share my experiences, reflections and anything that’s helped me become stronger, healthier and more positive in order to possibly spark the same in anyone else. Remember you are not your life circumstances, appearance, mental/psychical illness, opinions from others, career or material possessions. You are love at your core and deserve to be obnoxiously happy. No matter what life throws at you, you can choose to make light out of it. Love, yo girl viq

#cancer #leukimea #love #healing #empowerment #anxiety #ocd #health #depression #spiritual #nutritionist #chakras #food #healthfood #life #self care #motivation #peace #qoutes #inspiration #change #transformation #chemotherapy #holistic health #vegtables #liveyolife