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#Matt has a life
terresdebrume · 7 months
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Parents stop letting your kids treat animals like a plush toy challenge
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fakeanimalperson · 2 years
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Homo vs. Hetero from Life in Hell by Matt Groening, 1983
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palmettoshitposts · 1 year
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I firmly believe andrew does nice things for people and then just lies about it.
it starts off low-key and the lies are believable or just by omission. like nicky suddenly finds the water bottle he’d been missing for months and it’s right in front of him (andrew spent a while searching all of the spots nicky usually puts things and found it pretty quickly). everyone, including nicky, presumes he was being a dumbass and it’s been there all the time.
like the time kevin finds a sports drink he really likes in the back of the maz after night practice and asks how it got there. andrew ignores him and neil just says that maybe aaron left it there?
like the time the girls want to make some cocktails with neil and educate him on “the delights of fruity alcohol” and they just happen to find most of the drinks they need already tucked in the back of the cupboard. some of them are half empty so they presume they had been there for a while (andrew had found some at the columbia house and just put them in the girls cupboard)
neil is very used to this but he doesn’t say anything or call andrew out. food that he likes appearing, new items of clothing that seemingly spawn at the back of the wardrobe, his bag making its way into the car before neil’s even realised he isn’t carrying it. it’s andrew’s low-key version of caring and neil thinks it’s sweet (not that he’d every day that aloud).
it moves on to bigger things.
andrew using a barely legal move against an opposing player after he’s been antagonising and irritating most of the team, but especially dan. the player ends up mildly injured and is taken off court. dan confronts andrew after, asking about it and andrew just claims he has no recollection of any of the events.
he’s moved beyond the silence to just straight up starts gaslight, gatekeep, girlbossing the foxes.
he literally buys nicky a pair of shoes he won’t shut up about and acts like nicky is the crazy one for thanking him, even though he literally just handed him the box.
he helps aaron book a tickets to a band katelyn likes because he’s in class when they go on sale and claims to never have heard of them later on.
he fully insists he was never in the lounge when matt needed some help moving some furniture around, despite it clearly being a two person job, andrew being the only one around at that moment and matt literally fucking carrying the other end of the furniture with him.
one of his biggest and frankly stupidest lies is when he hands david a bottle of really expensive whiskey the day he graduates and two seconds after handing it over, he asks david where he got it from.
david just rolls his eyes and tells him some asshole who he WILL be keeping in touch with gave it to him.
andrew just says “who?” like david is being super vague and confusing.
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charlotlie · 9 months
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the aftg series isn’t even an experience anymore, it’s a lifestyle
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kendallsroyco · 4 months
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Charlie's Lip Licking: A Saga Since 2008
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goldenstarprincesses · 5 months
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Do you guys think in a Public!AU Twitter would bully Alfred for being a nepo baby
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deliriousbean · 4 months
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It's a bit late but...
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Have a patented Nelson, Murdock, and Page new year's dance party
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essektheylyss · 1 year
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Okay but can Caleb PLEASE call Essek to take a look at Ashton's head so a) SOMEONE can see it and not immediately look at Ashton like they're some bizarre source of radiation poisoning and b) Essek can be like, "You'd kick my brother's ass so badly. Do you want to try? You know, for science."
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jtl-fics · 9 months
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Fluent Freshman - Part 32
PREV
He had the first week back from Thanksgiving break off from both classes and practice.
The week off of classes leaves FF feeling like getting stabbed has been a net positive experience for him.
First he feels like it really cemented the apparent friendship he had with at least Andrew and Neil. Second, he technically had a job offer in his Freshman year. Third, and most important, his language professor who had wanted him to come and speak to his gen-ed Latin class of over 100 students told him not to worry about it and that he had gotten one of FF’s friends to agree to the presentation instead.
His relief was so immediate and all-consuming that he hadn’t even had the energy to pretend he was upset that he had been replaced. Thankfully his teacher just chalked it up to relief that he wouldn’t have to stand up and present when his stomach was healing from the surgery.
Coach Wymack and Abby wouldn’t even let him go to the Court. Kevin had tried to argue quite a few times on Sunday when that decision had been made. Argued that he could sit in and watch for strategy purposes if nothing else.
However, even Kevin couldn’t guarantee that FF wouldn’t get accidentally run into / knocked against considering his complete lack of presence.
Matt had rushed into Abby’s house having made a bee-line for it upon reaching the airport.  “Smiths! You got stabbed!” Matt yelled as if informing him of his own predicament.
“Yeah.” FF agreed as if it were something that could have been debated.
“What happened?! Nicky just sent a pic of the flowers he got you and the card?” Matt had asked pulling his backpack off his shoulder and to his front as he unzipped it and rooted around for something before pulling out an orange envelope. “This is from me and Dan, you remember her right?” Matt had asked.
FF thought of quiet conversations he has overheard over the phone and not so quiet noises Matt makes when engaging in some phone sex with his girlfriend.
“Yes, I remember Dan.”  FF had said diplomatically and accepted the card.
The card was sitting on the nightstand at Abby’s house next to the card the Monsters, his grandma, other teammates, and some cards from friends he had made outside of Exy. It feels nice to look at the multiple cards all wishing him well.
His Grandma was going to stay for two weeks and Abby was being incredibly kind to put them up
He spent most of that week sleeping, spending time with his grandma, getting yelled at by Abby for trying to do chores, and spending time with the Foxes that came to visit him.
Nicky had come over to hang out every day without fail. Most of the upperclassmen who were on the original ‘miracle’ team of the Foxes stopped in to see him regularly. Even Jack stopped in to complain about how Captain Neil presented a danger to the rest of them before giving him a Get Well Soon card and leaving.
It was a strangely thoughtful card that he’s near positive Jack’s girlfriend picked out for him. When the end of the week and the first game that FF would need to sit out from approached Coach Wymack asked if he wanted to come.
“You can’t play, but you’re still a Fox.” Wymack had said and his grandma had encouraged him to go and spend time with his friends. She’d hold down the fort for Abby, cook up a bunch of food for the the team to enjoy when they got back late.
So FF climbed onto the bus and sat next to Nicky who had declared himself FF’s bodyguard for the evening who’s safety he would only pass off to Coach Wymack during the game proper.
***
They’ve come so damn far from the worst team in the Division. His kids are thriving and because of that he’s gotten a larger budget. A larger budget to better help his kids with. David would be lying if he said he didn’t spend some nights wishing he could tell himself of a few years ago just how good it would get.
Still, the match is a lot closer than it should be.
He looks to his side and sees FF sitting there watching the game with rapt attention.
He looks as Sheena fumbles a pass that his newest problem child had mastered the timing of a month before. He sees Kevin’s shoulders go up in anger but Neil’s quick reflexes save it before the play is fully fumbled.
Neil makes a feint to pass to Kevin and the goal lights up putting them in the lead by 2 goals. David thinks of the numerous plays that would have gone smoother with the kid next to him playing instead of Sheena but there was no point in wishing for things that couldn’t be.
FF wouldn’t be playing until the Spring Championships started up and David would need to address FF’s medical hiatus and Lisa’s ‘family emergency’ that had her leaving the team.
It always stung when a Fox left but it hurt less when it was of their own volition instead of in a body bag.
He looks to the side again and thinks of the numerous decisions he had needed to make as Kevin slept in the car on the way to the hospital. Honestly, if he still was thinking about going after the hospital.
How the fuck did the hospital just leave the damn kid in a hallway for over an hour? He hates the thought of FF laying there in pain and bleeding watching as people went by.
He’s grateful that the kid didn’t seem to remember it.
He wasn’t going to mention it to any of the other Foxes, not even FF if he could swing it. He has no doubt that at the very least Andrew and Neil would go on a rampage and he’s near positive that Kevin would take special delight in it considering a week on he was still bitching about what he had seen in the Nutritionist office.
He’s not sure what Nicky would do but he knows it’d give him a headache.
Nicky takes a hard hit that has him subbed out for one of the freshman backliners. Nicky’s a little woozy and Abby confirms a very slight concussion that she’ll keep an eye on during the trip back.
They win by slimmer margins than they should but it’s to be expected.
“Coach Wymack?” FF asks.
“What’s up?” David asks.
“I’m going to go to the bathroom. It...uh...well it takes a while now.” FF says and David can read the embarrassment.
“Meet us at the bus. Be careful.” he orders.
FF nods and heads off.
Neil and Matt are on press duty and David preps the press to let them know about FF and Lisa. There are some questions about what kind of medical hiatus but David declined to answer knowing that Neil and Matt wouldn’t let it slip either.
His last two players get showered and on the bus.
He does a count and gets the correct number and starts the bus.
They’re just about to get on the highway when there’s a shout, “Wait! Where’s Smithy?!” Nicky exclaims full volume over the general conversation that had been going on throughout the bus.
David frowns, he had counted-
Abby. He had counted Abby’s head next to Nicky.
“Oh god dammit.” he says.
***
FF looked at where the bus should have been waiting for him.
He closes his eyes and hopes that the bus will appear between blinks. 
He opens his eyes again and finds...nope just fans milling about heading to their own cars and home. He gives a hopeful look across the parking lot wondering if the bus maybe just got moved back somewhere so that they could get out easier after he went and made them wait?
A lot of people. Some kids. Some disappointed Belmonte fans. Some excited Fox fans. Some general Exy fanatics who were discussing what the Belmonte team would need to do to stay in  for the Spring Championships.
No Palmetto State Fox team bus.
He swallows a bit of disappointment and moves past it.
He pulled up his phone to plug in Abby’s house and saw that it would be a 4 day hike from Belmonte. He looked down at his shoes contemplating if they’d make the over 300 miles of walking. The doctors and Abby had been very clear not to do too much exercise but surely it wouldn’t count since he was just going to walk? They said walking was fine right?
FF sighed at the thought.
Yeah, it wasn’t going to work.
His stomach hurts at the thought of a 5 hour car ride. Maybe there was a bus station nearby and he could make his way back via greyhound.
He was looking at his phone again when it started to ring and Nicky’s face was on his screen to let him know who the caller was.
He hit the answer button, “Hello-“
There was an inhale and FF had been on the receiving end of this quite a few times at this point so he held his phone the entire length of his arm away from his ear, “SMITHY, ARE YOU ON THE BUS OR DID WE FORGET YOU?!” Nicky screeches and it hurts his ears even from an entire arms length away. He wonders how in the world Nicky can stand being that loud with his minor concussion.
He stares at his phone dubiously for a few moments, worried that Nicky may shout again.
“Smithy?! Smithy?” He hears Nicky’s not quite as loud but very concerned voice. FF decides to bite the bullet.
“Hello Nicky, I am not on the bus.” He says.
“We fucking LEFT SMITHY!” Nicky yells and FF can hear a collective groan from across the line.
He may even hear Coach Wymack yelling something about ‘again’ and feels shame burn in his stomach. He should have just held in his pee. He hadn’t really needed to go that badly and it’s not like Coach Wymack doesn’t take bathroom breaks.
“It’s okay.” He rushes to assure Nicky. “I can…grab a bus or something. You don’t need to come back, I’m-“
“Young man, if you say that you’re fine I can not be held responsible for what I will do when I see you in the next 20 minutes.” Nicky threatens. “I also can’t be held responsible for what I’ll do to Neil since I feel like he’s infected you somehow.” He says.
He hears a distant “Hey” followed by an even more distant “Man, I hate to say it but I think he’s right.”
“I don’t want to bother you.” He says.
“Smithy, you are so far from a bother it is insane. How about I stay on the line with you okay?” Nicky asks but something has caught his eye.
Two kids haven’t moved as the rest of the world continued to. He watched as they clung to one another and no one seemed to take notice of them. He doesn’t understand how anyone could miss them with the bright orange children’s jerseys they had on. One sporting 01 - Josten and the other 10 - Josten on the backs.
“That’s okay Nicky. Call me when you’re close.” He says and makes his way over.
He can see the little boy’s hand holding the little girl’s hand tightly and is careful to walk around them in a way so that he wouldn’t appear out of nowhere. “Hey,” he squatted down to their height and the little boy still jumped slightly, dropping a small book to the ground, and the little girl hid her face in his shoulder. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you. I just noticed you looked a little lost.” He says and his muscles won’t pull in a way to offer a reassuring smile but he hopes he can convey it through his tone.
The little boy visibly swallows down nervous spit, “I’m not supposed to talk to strangers.” He says holding on tighter to the little girl.
“Smart, continue to do that.” He says immediately, “Can you just nod yes or no for me?” He asks instead.
The boy thinks for a long moment before nodding affirmatively.
“Great, good job.” He says, “Did you come to the stadium with your parents?” He asks
A nod in the affirmative.
“Do your parents know where you are?” He asks.
He shakes his head in a negative.
“Are you lost?” He asks.
Another negative.
“So you mean to be right here?”  He wants to clarify.
A nod in the affirmative this time.
FF takes a moment to piece together what he knows and looks down at the book.
An autograph book. “Oh, you wanted to get an autograph from Captain Neil?” he asks.
The little boy looks up but it’s the little girl who answers. She finally takes her face out from his shoulder. FF’s eyes can’t help but see the large burn scar on her cheek but also see how her eyes sparkle with delight, “You know Captain Josten?!” she exclaims in delight.
“Millie!” The young boy says. “He’s a stranger!” he hisses.
“Nu-uh!” she shakes her head, “Number 14!” she points at his jersey he had worn in solidarity. “He passes to Captain Josten!” she says brightly. “See Brandon?” she smiles.
It could just be a fan jersey though FF highly doubts that anyone would buy fan merch for him. He is no Kevin Day, Captain Neil Josten, or Andrew Minyard.
Still the little boy, Brandon, looks at him with wide eyes, “You’re Smith?” he asks.
“Yeah.” FF nods, “Captain Neil is my Captain.” he says.
“I love Captain Josten! I wanna marry him!” Millie says and FF can’t help but wonder if Andrew would squash such adorable competition. “His face is like mine!” she giggles.
“Yeah, your face is as cool as Captain Neil’s is.” FF agrees with completely sincerity.
“We came out here to get Captain Josten’s signature” Brandon says with a pout, “All the adults were in the way and it was...kind of scary.” he admits with a flush.
A thought occurs to him. He doesn’t want to leave these kids and brave the crowds to find someone to announce the lost kids. It would only be about 12 more minutes before the bus comes. Coach Wymack would be able to help and...
“They’re coming to pick me up pretty soon. How about we stay right here and we can get Captain Neil’s autograph together?” he asks.
Both kids light up at the idea. “Really?” they both ask.
“Yeah, I also want Captain Neil’s autograph.” he says because he does. He’s wanted Captain Neil’s autograph for AGES but had been too awkward to ask. Then Greg had come and made it seem like FF would want it just to sell it or something.
Now he has the perfect excuse.
***
David pulled into the spot he had left almost half an hour ago and barely managed to put the bus into park before most of his more senior players were prying the door open to go look for FF.
Nicky had called but FF hadn’t picked up and it had set his more paranoid players’ teeth on edge.
The only one that stayed on the bus was Nicky since Abby had a firm grip on him.
David sighed and told everyone else to stay put before exiting the bus and began the herculean effort of trying to spot FF in a crowd.
It actually wasn’t too hard as he found his players standing and watching as FF crouched with his back to them as two little kids in orange Fox jerseys were re-enacting something for him.
He’d be tempted to let them keep going if he didn’t remember Abby’s list of specific things FF shouldn’t do with his still healing stomach and squatting like that was definitely on the list.
“Smith.” he says and watches as the Freshman jolts and tips over, thankfully onto his side, from his squatted position.
The kids get nervous when they see him but then their eyes both lock on Neil’s face. For a moment his heart aches for his player, plenty of kids have cried about Neil’s scars but then his eyes land on the little girl’s face more properly and...
Oh...
Those are stars in her eyes. David looks at the two different Josten kids jerseys that the Palmetto store had released.
FF recovers from his tumble admirably, “Coach Wymack,” he says getting up onto his feet. “These two are lost, can you see if there’s a way to contact their parents?” he asks.
David nods and pulls out his phone and steps away slightly.
He watches over the interaction that happens next.
**
As promised, FF had taken the awkward lead of asking for it and had them form a line. It had been weird but he watched as understanding dawned in Captain Neil’s eyes as he saw the two Josten jerseys. It had felt even less weird to get Captain Neil’s autograph when Matt had jokingly gotten in line behind Brandon because he too wanted Captain Neil’s autograph.
FF felt a little bad that Captain Neil had been so flustered by the requests but at least he finally had the Captain Neil autograph he’d wanted since last March. It also felt nice when Captain Neil had smiled the way he did at Millie when she babbled about how they matched.
Andrew had bumped into him in the way that FF was learning meant that he was pleased with whatever FF had just done. Kevin and Aaron had been the ones to ask if his stitches were okay after his startled tumble.
Millie and Brandon’s parents were incredibly grateful and swore to continue to be lifelong fans of the Foxes. Millie and Brandon themselves had been more excited about their Captain Neil Josten autographs than being reunited with their parents. They had waved goodbye with Millie loudly proclaiming that her and Captain Neil would get married someday.
Climbing onto the bus he was subjected to a check over by Abby when both Kevin and Aaron dragged him to her. Then he was sat down next to Nicky who shoved him into the window seat and cuddled up. “I won’t lose track of you if I’m on you.” was his logic.
The bus ride resumed.
“I didn’t know you liked kids.” Nicky says head on FF’s shoulder. “I’ve watched you go to the other side of the street to avoid middle school kids.” he adds.
FF feels ice in his stomach.
“Middle school kids are mean.” FF says and doesn’t properly answer the question but Nicky is just concussed enough to not call him on it.
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MASTERPOST FOR ALL PARTS OF FLUENT FRESHMAN AU
NEXT
Like I said in my last part I will be tagging people separate from the actual update going forward. Still any requests to be added to the tag list feel free to put in the replies here.
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aeoris4lovers · 1 year
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matt mercer as essek thelyss & laura bailey as jester lavorre + the last days of judas iscariot
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hmmm-shesucks · 4 months
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So I’ve been putting together a playlist of songs that make me think of Kevin, and it’s honestly so depressing how many of them could apply to both Andrew and Riko. I always get so upset and uncomfortable when I see posts comparing how similar they are in how they treated Kevin. Andrew does many things differently from Riko, and I believe he was much better for Kevin to be with, but Andrew also did so much of the same to Kevin. I think that’s why Kevin seemed to adapt to life with the foxes so quickly and trusted Andrew with his protection even faster. Because Andrew was so much like Riko, so familiar to Kevin, that it wasn’t a significant change. He just jumped from one bad thing into another without realizing it. Andrew wasn’t physically hurting Kevin and to him, that’s all that mattered. That’s what made him feel safe.
Anyway, I hate remembering anything in canon because my version of the foxes in my tiny little brain are much kinder people. No less traumatized and still super fucking rude, but healing and healed.
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terresdebrume · 5 months
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Apparently the healthcare professionals following my sister's pregnancy are currently saying no one should kiss the baby for the first three months of it life, and avoid touching it
And I'm like. Listen. I understand we are in the time of COVID and we should be careful. But you will not make me believe this won't have consequences en the baby's well being
I'm sorry but humans need physical touch and physical affection, how does it make sense to forbid it?
Does not compute
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chronicoverachiever · 2 years
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no because i DID NOT just spend 20 minutes finding and downloading the video of Charlie Cox doing yoyo tricks—
anyways have it. gonna go cry now.
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themundanemudperson · 3 months
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let me tell you all abt a little thing i like to call
the kevin day paradox
the kevin day paradox is when you have conflicting headcanons over a character's sexuality!
it first came about when i did not know if i headcanoned kevin day as bisexual or aroace. and i realized that i didn't have to choose! and thus: the kevin day paradox was born
so, if you too have conflicting sexuality headcanons for characters, you now have a word for that!
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monarchisms · 13 days
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she doka on my kingdom til i pon 🏰
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mattmurdeaux · 2 years
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I swear the Disney+ Daredevil show better retain Matt's iconic Wounded Handsome Duck™ look aka looking cute with bruises and black eyes which I used to tell my friends I got from falling down the stairs and they believed every time without fail
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