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noxxmyosotis · 11 days

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Nothing is Ever More than a Hologram: The Gamification of War | Full Transcription + Bibliography

Full video can be found in the link below:

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During late 2022 and early 2023, the Imperial War Museum (IWM) hosted an exhibition named “War Games: Real Conflicts, Virtual Worlds, and Extreme Entertainment." I have never been to the exhibition myself, but according to their own marketing material, it featured blockbuster games including Call of Duty and Sniper Elite, while also incorporating indie titles such as The War of Mine and Bury Me, My Love. The goal of the exhibition is allegedly to interrogate “the tension that exists between the thrill and tragedy of warfare in a game and its repercussions in the real world.”

I’m sure the exhibition was a great one, as most of the reviews were positive. As a gamer, I understand where that feeling came from: it feels cathartic to be recognised by traditional institutions, which has long been demonising the gaming community, especially “violent” video games. I went to the Museum of Modern Art (MoMA) at roughly the same timeframe, and I was very touched by the exhibition of modern gaming and their recognition of video games as a valid form of art. Though this could be a topic for another time.

While games are often demonised in the real world, often linking with a heightened rate of violence and generating more societal instability, even when much research has shown no evidence of this being the case (Greitemeyer and Mügge 2014), gamification, the process of which incorporates game-like elements, such as leaderboards and positive reinforcement with goals, has long been used as a strategy of war in the course of history. From ancient Rome where killing in colosseum was linked to hyper-masculinity and glory, to US actively promotes itself for using “realistic war simulators” to train soldiers and prepare for the real battlefield, the idea of war being a game has helped countless individuals rationalise their actions on the battlefield (Warfighter Digital 2023).

Sounds odd, right? Especially if you think about more than a second, what kind of rationalisation are games providing? In other words, what do people feel normalised across the process of games?

The more positive answer to this, of course, is that it helps individuals deal with the stress of the battlefield and accelerates the learning process while providing immediate feedback to individuals. In fact, proponents of the usage of gamification in war training would come up with various scenarios in which gamified training would be super useful, for example, learning first aid in stressful situations, especially for medics, and learning local language to communicate with the locals to provide help.

But wait, how many of the of the individuals received the training are medics or are tasked with communicating with the locals? And at the same time, this is also not aligned with what kind of games the government has developed over the years, most of which seemed to be either action games or first-person shooter games.

From the Ukrainian War video (check if you haven’t!), I have talked a little bit about how the act of war is often the active result of society creating a sense of “others” as a method of building identity. This is perhaps more important in the context of wartime soldiers. For soldiers, their identity is often built upon the contention between peace and war, with one often framed as what they ought to strive to achieve and the other fulfilling the desire for which they are useful and needed (Robillard 2017).

To resolve the inner tension, the frame of “others” is more needed than ever. If war, is not perpetuated by “us” as a collective, then the act of war, is inevitable, and as a soldier you are needed by the public to protect themselves; in the meantime, peace can simultaneously be the end goal if the “others” are to blame for the creation of war.

Nonetheless, historically, it is rather hard to always frame opposing soldiers as "others." Intuitively, people are likely going to be traumatised by seeing individuals of opposing soldiers and innocent civilians die in front of you, regardless of their characteristics, backgrounds, or identity. Even when people get more disassociated with the situation of the war over time, they are also likely to become more disassociated with individuals who are their companions as they shut down their emotions, making them a potential risk factor.

Here is where, modern video games come in. However realistic games may be, they are at the end of the day, games. It is easy to put down your controller and forgot whatever happened in front of your very own eyes as you subconsciously deem it to be fictional. The individuals you have “killed” with your very own hand are anything but a mere hologram of data with no objective reality attached to it. In the meantime, the narrative of games portrayed also often makes you feel a stronger sense of being the main character in your story: You are the good guy, and the ideological opponent of yours are the bad guys who are trying to harm and manipulate the public that you swore to protect.

Individuals learn from their past experiences. The goal of realistic war games is not to make individuals treat games as war, but to treat war as games. As war game become more realistic, the real battlefield more feels like game. It is harder for brain to cognise the fact that you are killing a living human, who have their own life, emotions, and connections to the real world, especially if you are looking at a drone, which have the same interface that you see in a game, especially you have already done the same action countless times before.

In a way, through incorporating video games, it is possible to dehumanise the opponents in a war to a completely new level. Sure, historically, you may see your opponent as people who are evil; you may see your opponents as sub-human and deserve less rights than you; you may even see them as non-human entities that were controlled by supernatural. However, it is perhaps the first time, that individuals can rationalise and normalise the idea that, the opponents are not even sentient creatures. They are merely a hologram, a hologram of computer data, and that was it.

The consequences of war gamification are obviously dire. If individuals who participate in war do not even realise, they are killing people, there is going to be way less internal accountability in terms of the horrid actions that an army can perform. Moreover, if killing people can stop feels like killing a creature, it is not hard to imagine individuals also being more inclined to other actions; for example, dropping bombs may just feel like looking at the death count goes up instead of needing to comprehend the impact of it on human and environment.

Nonetheless, the goal of the video is not to participate in fearmongering. There are some hopes for it. As an art form, many war games currently on the market do reflect the harms of war. One great example is the Metal Gear series, where the game reflects on the trauma that the war causes and what it means to protect peace while preserving your identity as a soldier. In the meantime, the increasing awareness of recent news regarding the real horrors of war in Gaza and Ukraine may also pull individuals back to the reality of what war is like.

What the warzone looks like, most of us probably would never know. But individually, the most important thing here is probably keep reminding yourself that you live in a reality and take time to sort through your feelings to prevent yourself from being unsensitised in the pain and suffering of others. Protest the war if you can, and remember to hold individuals who glorify war accountable.

People are more than holograms.

Bibliography

Greitemeyer, Tobias, and Dirk O. Mügge. 2014. ‘Video Games Do Affect Social Outcomes: A Meta-Analytic Review of the Effects of Violent and Prosocial Video Game Play’. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 40 (5): 578–89. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167213520459.

Robillard, Michael. 2017. ‘Risk, War, and the Dangers of Soldier Identity’. Journal of Military Ethics 16 (3–4): 205–19. https://doi.org/10.1080/15027570.2017.1412131.

Warfighter Digital. 2023. ‘The Role of Gamification in Military Training: Serious Games and Their Applications’. Warfighter Podcast. 20 April 2023. https://www.warfighterpodcast.com/blog/the-role-of-gamification-in-military-training-serious-games-and-their-applications/.

#sociology #galacticlibrarian #videoessay #academia #education #vtuber #vtuberen #vtuber uprising #indie vtuber #Youtube #war #video games

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therealcrimediary · 1 month

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Les vols commerciaux entre Haïti et les États-Unis ont repris à l'aéroport international du Cap-Haïtien, avec 155 passagers ayant quitté la ville à bord d'un vol spécial de Sunrise Airways. Cette reprise fait suite à la crise sociopolitique en Haïti, marquée par la montée de la violence des gangs armés, en particulier dans la région métropolitaine de Port-au-Prince. La compagnie aérienne a prévu un autre vol pour l'après-midi, reliant également les villes des Cayes et du Cap-Haïtien. Les vols commerciaux avaient été suspendus en raison de la pression exercée par les gangs en demandant la démission du Premier ministre Ariel Henry, même après son départ et la formation d'un conseil présidentiel par la CARICOM. Malgré l'annonce de la démission du Premier ministre Henry, les gangs armés continuent de semer la terreur et rejettent le conseil présidentiel formé par la CARICOM, entraînant des perturbations dans le pays. La reprise des vols commerciaux entre Haïti et la Floride aux États-Unis est un signe positif pour l'économie et le tourisme, mais la situation instable dans le pays reste préoccupante. Sunrise Airways joue un rôle essentiel dans la reprise des liaisons aériennes, reliant des villes importantes comme les Cayes et le Cap-Haïtien, malgré les défis rencontrés en raison de l'insécurité et de l'instabilité politique. Les passagers qui ont pu quitter le Cap-Haïtien via ce vol spécial étaient probablement soulagés de pouvoir voyager malgré la situation difficile dans le pays. La reprise des vols commerciaux est un signe d'espoir pour les voyageurs et les entreprises, mais des mesures de sécurité renforcées sont probablement mises en place pour garantir la sûreté des vols. La situation politique et sociale en Haïti reste tendue, avec des défis persistants tels que la lutte contre la violence des gangs et la mise en place de structures gouvernementales stables. La compagnie aérienne Sunrise Airways a joué un rôle important dans la reprise des vols entre Haïti et les États-Unis, montrant sa volonté de soutenir la connectivité aérienne malgré les défis. Les voyageurs peuvent désormais envisager de reprendre leurs déplacements en toute sécurité, bien que la situation globale du pays reste fragile. Les autorités locales et les compagnies aériennes doivent collaborer pour assurer la continuité des services aériens et garantir la sécurité des passagers dans un contexte d'incertitude et d'instabilité politique en Haïti. En conclusion, la reprise des vols commerciaux entre Haïti et les États-Unis est un pas vers la normalisation des activités aériennes dans le pays, malgré les troubles politiques et sociaux persistants. Sunrise Airways a facilité ce processus en organisant des vols spéciaux entre le Cap-Haïtien et la Floride, offrant aux passagers une opportunité de voyager malgré les défis rencontrés. Il est important de surveiller de près la situation en Haïti et de mettre en place des mesures de sécurité efficaces pour assurer la protection des voyageurs et le bon fonctionnement des liaisons aériennes dans ce contexte difficile.

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berenices-commas · 2 months

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Diplomacy and Proselytising in Anya: the tuFatingau Missions to Pukevenua (c.228–122/134-72) - 2.1

While the Ketanapinan mission stagnated in the early 220s/mid-130s, an invitation made by Kaw Tshengieh[1]-Pengput, Potentate of Pukevenua (r.231–210/136-124) in 228/134 paved the way for another tuFatingau contact with an Anticipating polity in Warmer Oru. The potentate’s invitation was part of a diplomatic policy that apparently sought to normalise relations between the Enclosure of Ikam and the Potency. TuTearu’s conquest of the Pukevenua-held port city of Tapi in 279/164 had initiated a long history of clashes, diplomatic exchanges, and occasional collaboration between the two polities.

In the late 230s and early 220s/mid-130s, the relations between the Enclosure and Pukevenua went through a brief warm phase. During this period, Kaw Tshengieh-Pengput I, the successor of Bahwen Tshengieh-Pengput I (r. 255–231/150-134), made a series of overtures with a view to forming a Faruao-Pukevenua alliance against the Shouhougo Empire. One of her preferred interlocutors in the Enclosure was the Highest of Tapi, Lady Pempeti Eskuma tuU Kapera (in office 229–222/135-131), with whom the new potentate established a regular correspondence while Pempeti Eskuma served as interim governor. The Highest suggested that the diplomatic correspondence between Tapi and Pukevenua would benefit from the establishment of a tuFatingau mission at the potentate’s court.

Kaw Tshengieh-Pengput’s embassy of 228/134 had two aims. The first was to normalise her relations with the Enclosure of Ikam. tuFaruao support for Lewang Kaw (also known in the tuFaruao sources as Rewkaw), one of the pretenders to the Pukevenua throne, and other factions opposed to the ruling family contributed to Pukevenua’s political instability. At the same time, the pro-Jiwinjeng Great Wheel rulers of Pukevenua feared the Shouhougo presence in the Abyss. From 233/137, Shouhougo troops and aircraft had made important progress in the Mass and the Hither Cut. The growing interest of the Last Glory in the region led the Tshengieh-Pengput potentates to fear that their sectarian affiliation and alignment with Jiwinjeng Ikilam might encourage a Shouhougo expedition against Pukevenua itself.

According to Turo’s annual letter, Kaw Tshengieh-Pengput’s embassy sought to obtain the Highest’s permission “to send two or three well-learned nuns because the potentate wanted to hold a debate between our sisters and her literati.” The Highest arranged an embassy to Pukevenua headed by Tuito’on Fari, a merchant with good connections in the city, who would be accompanied, as requested by the potentate, by members of three monastic orders:, the tuFatingau Raru Tumawara, the tuTuito’on brother Tuinait Puru and one Little Sister of the Engine (anonymous, as usual). The embassy also included a group of tuFaruao who traveled from Tapi to Pukevenua, possibly motivated by commercial interests in the potentate.

Tumawara’s three letters from Pukevenua are the first detailed tuSi accounts of the potentate, which was very much unknown territory despite the various contacts and clashes between the tuFaruao and Pukevenua instigated by the conquest of Tapi in 279/164. There was little information available on Pukevenua’s layout, productive resources, economic structures, and military capacity. Tumawara was thus a privileged observer of Pukevenua. Her letters reveal a concern with providing detailed information on the military apparatus of the potentate, with descriptions of the fortresses and garrisons encountered by the embassy, but especially with the layout and the productive structures of the halls around Pukevenua. Tumawara’s letters often referred to the advantages that Enclosure-held halls saw over those controlled by the“Tengepengpu”, as the potentates of Pukevenua were identified by tuFaruao writers. The machines of the provinces visited by the tuFatingau missionary were not exploited to their full potential. Tumawara suggested that if these halls were in tuFaruao hands, their productivity would be maximised:

“The halls that we passed through along our journey are well-ventilated, with water draining from higher levels nourishing a great variety of vegetation and an infinite number of cattle, and it seems that they would provide large quantities of foodstuff if they were well-managed, because many of the dispensers and converters are in pristine condition, and in some areas the corridors and shafts are entirely free of obstacles.”

The first audience with the potentate was disappointing for the sisters. Kaw Tshengieh-Pengput delayed the meeting and forced the tuFaruao legation to wait for the following day. Tumawara was only able to speak with her during the second audience, which, once again, the potentate delayed for some hours. Tumawara and her companions offered to Kaw Tshengieh-Pengput a digital reader containing the Plan, the Commentaries and the Scholar’s Deviations. Puru offered a brief commentary on the books and “a humble and benevolent discourse” on the reasons for the presence of the sisters. However, the main topic of conversation between the potentate and the sisters was the possibility of a Faruao-Pukevenua alliance against the Shouhougo Empire, with Kaw Tshengieh-Pengput professing herself willing to help the Enclosure’s activities against the Imperial Engen in the Abyss.

Besides alluding to the possibility of a political entente, the potentate asked three questions about Obedience, which, in Tumawara’s words, were “base” and “fatuous”. Instead of an inquiry on theological issues, Kaw Tshengieh-Pengput wanted to know whether the Child had established dietary and clothing regulations, permitted sexual congress between men outside of marriage, and, finally, whether it was sinful for the Obedient to drink urine. Tumawara replied that, “Above all, the Child had taught that it was important to ask the right questions.”[2] The potentate was supposedly amused and gave her guests robes of honour. Nonetheless, after this audience, Tumawara and the other members of the embassy left Pukevenua. The hope of establishing a tuFatingau mission in the potency was immediately abandoned. Following the 228/134 embassy, Kaw Tshengieh-Pengput I directed her foreign policy toward the formation of an alliance with other Anya potencies against the Pukeyankoro Empire, an ally of the Enclosure of Ikam. The collapse of Pukeyankoro encouraged Kaw Tshengieh-Pengput to invade the Enclosure in 219/129, besieging Tapi for almost a year.

[1] The authors usually represent Heraldic names in their Classical Tsiinyip forms, which do not necessarily reflect local spelling or pronunciation.

[2] Naturally this may be l’esprit de l’escalier, but given the idiosyncratic direction of tuFatingau rhetorical training in this period it could equally well be true.

#TuFatingau Encounters with Anticipation in Oru and Beyond #worldbuilding #academic fanfiction #rude mechanicals

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tillzzy · 4 months

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D&AD

Gen Z Anxieties

In a report surveying 1,000 18-26 year olds

New report from data management firm Harmony Healthcare IT showed that 61% of Gen Z have an anxiety condition

most common cause of their anxiety was the future

45% said their main concern was finances

48% said they go on walks, hikes, paint or play instruments to help manage their anxiety

40% said they eat unhealthy foods when trying to manage their stress

34% said they use cannabis to cope

32% said they drink alcohol to cope

mostly driven by uncertainty

digital age has caused Gen Z to grow up with an unlimited amount of information at their fingertips

Gen Z have the least experience with uncertainty compared to elder generations

for example, when needing to know where to go, you can easily view google maps removing any uncertainty which didn't exist before

the Covid-19 pandemic created a lot more uncertainty

economic instability is still a problem today with companies still cutting jobs and leaving employees feeling stressed

cost of living crisis in the UK has caused 84% of UK workers to report feeling stress or anxiety

Loneliness

Young people aged 16-24 feel more lonely than any other age group

Gen Z are hyperconnected in the digital world, but socially disconnected in person

Digital interactions fail to replace the need to connect on an emotional level in person

Overstimulated but under-socialised

fewer shared moments and memories and the collective experience has lost ground to individual experiences

Even in the real world, loneliness is becoming more common, for example supermarkets replace humans with self scan checkouts, removing human interaction

Financial

Most young people can't afford to buy a house or raise a family

Becoming adults in an era of societal collapse

only 31% of Gen Z feel financially secure

Gen Z normalises working multiple jobs

50% of Gen Z are 'extremely worries' about not having enough money

Travel

Study from Promova found 50% of Gen Z american travellers feel anxiety around language barriers when travelling internationally

Despite this, less than a third of American travellers attempt to learn even basic phrases of the language ahead of travelling to the country

Bakhtiari, K. (2023). Gen-Z, The Loneliness Epidemic And The Unifying Power Of Brands. Forbes. [online] 31 Jul. Available at: https://www.forbes.com/sites/kianbakhtiari/2023/07/28/gen-z-the-loneliness-epidemic-and-the-unifying-power-of-brands/ [Accessed 10 Jan. 2024].

Carnegie, M. (2023). Are Gen Z the most stressed generation in the workplace? [online] Bbc.com. Available at: https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20230215-are-gen-z-the-most-stressed-generation-in-the-workplace [Accessed 10 Jan. 2024].

O’Connell-Domenech, A. (2023). Over 60 percent of Gen Z have an anxiety disorder. [online] The Hill. Available at: https://thehill.com/changing-america/well-being/mental-health/4234365-over-60-percent-of-gen-z-have-an-anxiety-disorder/#:~:text=A%20new%20report%20from%20data,anxiety%20about%20their%20anxious%20thoughts. [Accessed 10 Jan. 2024].

Trazee Travel. (2023). Study Finds Younger Travelers Face Language Barrier Anxiety While Traveling - Trazee Travel. [online] Available at: https://www.trazeetravel.com/study-finds-younger-travelers-face-language-barrier-anxiety-while-traveling/#:~:text=When%20looking%20at%20those%20travelers,over%20not%20knowing%20local%20languages. [Accessed 10 Jan. 2024].

Upton-Clark, E. (2023). Gen Z is anxious and stressed at work; ambiguity skills gap. [online] Business Insider. Available at: https://www.businessinsider.com/remote-work-fueling-gen-z-job-anxiety-stress-mental-health-2023-12?r=US&IR=T#:~:text=Grappling%20with%20uncertainty,of%20a%20new%20work%20paradigm. [Accessed 10 Jan. 2024].

‌

#d&ad

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babyawacs · 11 months

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russian mindset is must be inthe b e f o r e strength only deterrernce and that mayormaynot get tested in for nowstronger ornot to dominate but itis crude bs the realdeal is diehardintere st policy of security zoneof influence and howto keeptheintegrity oftheown land whenalltry to runaway the extreme patriotism nationalism russia cannot stay in ukraine themore normalisation with west the less conquerred things they can keep northkroeanisation andmanaged catastrophy thebiggestproblem ukraine s fate is empoverished endebted agricultural colony to supply west fo rever instability factor of a half russian land *satire:* quickeveryone imminetly nato member then to immietly deter russia then *endofsatire* the logic of crude and ruthless efficient isno t handled with appeasement and west didnot s t a r t serious arms supply to ukraine that no w what starts now rampsup now and 2000 fighterjets obsolete dispersed anywhere ukraine gets fir st adozen or 100 theyneed modern munitions start 3000abrams obsoletenow 2000leopard2 obsolet enow west hasnot started serious supplies because a nonescalatory logic persists y e t but the se donot hold russia knows it struggles critically alreadywith t h e s e limited supplies an d ukraine struggles to o u t p e r f o r m the crapoutof thestuff they have but insufficient in specific t a s k a d e q u a c y about mbt+apc breakout operations for initiative fromthe bas eline concert ofwar of m o d e r n precision range firepowerconcentration horrors withinwarlog ic the pressure toalways need more is real and they r e a l l y a l w a y s willneed reallyn eed more per task only thatmore die and now the diplos. ///// t he thinkwork is between ironman tells howtoapply systems and spock diplo tosavelives to bluehelmet beware human nature to veryserious intelgodlayer youcannot allow app easement of criminal wars while the causes must be very precisely analysed including surrounde d orbufferzone hitlerstalin pact as solution criminal mistakes itismore responsibility to lif e and humanity than why not helpful killallbetter //// wars are sth horrid becausepeopledie eachside you help youbasically helpto doom eachother more effectively blllllah whensavinglives isthepriority the only logicleft is toquickly conlcude the war without letting the criminal a gressor thereon youcanonly manage howmuchof the gore had your fingerprints whatever was onthe more simplistic and sides taking people then none is good but expend people b l ll a h ! wars insimple b l a h wars w h yevenbother ///// i n d e p e n d e n t onthat s u b j e c t idonot depend onyour approval or disapproval maybe b eglad thatguy gaveadamn about your stuff or dont. #disclosure I am Christian KISS BabyAWACS - Raw Independent Sophistication #THINKTANK + #INTEL #HELLHOLE #BLOG https://www.BabyAWACS.com / [email protected] [email protected] Helpful? support. do nnate. pay. https://wise.com/share/christiank426 https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/christiankiss

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musette22 · 3 years

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so completely agree with the long para about mental health anon. In my area therapy is extremely stigmatized. And that's bullshit. The people who connect instability with therapy are the exact people who make this stereotype spread more. People need to be comfortable about therapy and their need for it!! I'd rather have a person talk casually about meeting their therapist and being comfortable in their own skin rather than someone who's scared of even looking up a therapist incase they got called crazy. Go to therapy like you would go to the dentist!!! Go whenever your tooth hurts a little bit more than is normal, rather than when you need your wholeass tooth taken out.

I absolutely agree with you, darling! Of course, not everyone has access to therapy and in some places and cultures it's just not something that's accepted or available to regular folks, so even if an individual would want to get therapy, they might not be able to, unfortunately. Hopefully it'll become more and more accepted and mainstream everywhere in the long run though, because I definitely agree that the stigma surrounding it is born from a place of shame, pride or fear of being called crazy, which is mostly the result of harmful stereotypes being perpetuated by media etc. So for one thing, we need more people like Seb, with Seb's platform, to be as open as he is about struggling with mental health and having a therapist, to help normalise it! 🙏🏻💗

#sebastian stan #minnie answers

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thesmokinpossum · 3 years

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Social medias were never a stable, healthy environment and it has gotten consistently worse in the past few years but I really think that the toxic brew of things that never should have been normalised becoming more and more accepted + covid 19 + generalised social and political instability has turned it from toxic to straight up poisonous in a way that I find genuinely concerning.

I absolutely don't think I have the strenght to stay completely away from them forever but I want to spent at least the next few weeks focusing on other things before I completely lose my faith in humanity. See ya!

#like i've been online since about 2007 and almost constantly online since about 2011 #i saw a lot of shit in 15 years + but honestly...i really think we've reached a peak lately #people have gotten wayyyyy too comfortable playing judge jury and executioner and i find it horrifying #like...do you guys realise that even people who did bad shit still have rights?#seeing people talk about prisonners rights and then try to dox people over fandom crime is truly disturbing to me #so yeah i'm gonna try to stay away from the internet for a while #it may not be much #because while i hesitate to use the word 'addiction' i certainly struggle with staying away from tumblr #but i'm gonna try for my own well being #once again...see ya!

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celestialdr · 3 years

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My Script

So I’m posting up my script here if anyone's interested. This is for my main DR in the D:BH Universe.

It’s kinda long.

*WARNING: very self indulgent.*

Intro

My DR is set in the D:BH universe. In Detroit, 2039. I am a young Detective at the DPD.

All events that happened in my play trough of DBH happen in this reality. EG. Markus = Peaceful Revolution. Kara= Her, Alice and Luther all escape to Canada together. Connor = Becomes Deviant.

Hank and Connor become like father and son. Connor moved in with Hank after the events of DBH.

I have been working at the DPD as a detective for about a year now, I was very excited to be working alongside my dear friend Trey Greene (OC), who actually ended up being my partner. We do almost every investigation together.

During my time at the DPD I have become fast friends with Hank and Chris. Gavin is okay, we joke and banter but I wouldn’t say we are buds. I disliked his attitude towards Hank and his dislike of androids. But if he changes, who knows, maybe we can be friends. Idk.

I always supported android rights, even before there where deviants. I always treated androids with kindness and compassion.

I first met Connor on the 6th of November 2038, back before he was deviant. I was always kind to him and had a fondness for him. When Connor first saw me he stopped for a minute in a miniature awe, the stereotypical love at first sight motif. Although he did not know it at the time - him not being deviant yet. A software instability entered his program upon seeing me. In fact, anytime we made eye contact or talked he got a software instability. It baffled him.

The first time he saw me after deviating he was hit with butterflies, it didn’t take too long to realize what it was, he had a huge crush on me. He kept it to himself but Hank knew immediately.

It is now January the 8th 2039, Connor and I have become quite good friends but his feelings for me only continue to grow. We've only known each other for 2- 3 months but Connor is falling in love fast and now he's decided to finally pluck up the courage and admit his feelings to me and ask me out. How will he do this? I don’t know yet.

______

World

After the events of DBH, Androids start getting rights, relatively quickly.

Laws are implemented to protect androids. Androids are free. They can own property, get paid for working and all of the things Markus was advocating for.

As time goes on Androids fully integrate into our society and we mostly live in peace. Hate crime of any kind is rare.

Android politicians start to pop up. Android Pride day exists. Androids can marry each other and humans. Android/Human relationships are normalised. Androids can adopt. Etc.

_______

Shifting

1 hour - 1 day

. While I am in my DR my clone is sleeping in my CR.

. I have a Healthy attachment to my DR and I recognise the importance of my CR.

. I remember everything from both realities vividly while I'm in the other unless I script otherwise.

· I can fully trust my clone. My clone acts identical to me.

· When I shift back to my current reality time stops in my DR. The next time I go to my DR everything continues where I left off.

· I can use the LIFA app in my DR to see what my clone is doing in CR.

· I only shift back to my CR when I want to, I can’t go back on accident.

· My safe phrase for coming back to my CR is “I want to go back to my Current Reality.” or even as simply as I make it my intention, then I can go back.

· Nothing traumatic happens to me in my DR.

· When I come back to my CR, I will remember everything that happened in my DR.

· When I shift, I wake up in my DR bedroom.

· When I am shifted I smell cinnamon and my eyes automatically open.

· I cannot die or get very hurt in my DR.

. I am able to fully Integrate Into my DR self’s life. e.g. Rembering my DR self’s past, feeling comfortable and normal talking to and interacting with people in my DR selfs life. Having all the skills and knowledge my DR self has.

. No one from my CR or other realities can enter my DR without my permission.

.My guardian Angel or one of my angels or guides from my DR has decided to help me shift. Whenever I try to shift in this reality the Angel assits me and pulls my CR self into My DR.

_______

About Me

I have the same name, b-day etc but I am 25 Years old.

Childhood and teen years, pretty similar to CR.

Everything is pretty much the same except added skills talents or whatever else I script.

Physical

· I Look like myself but 10x prettier.

· I have my dream body, which always stays perfect and in shape. Similar to my body type only toned and fitter.

· I have perfect, white straight teeth.

. I always have good breath.

· I always smell great - My sweat doesn’t smell.

· Low, silent gas that doesn’t smell.

· I usually smell like ‘Soap and Glory’ products.

· I have Beautiful hair that is easily maintained. My hair is also a slightly lighter blonde.

· I have my Ideal, natural eyebrows.

· I have soft, clear skin and I am slightly tanner than in my CR.

· I am beautiful from all angles.

· I have long eyelashes.

· I have a straight, cute nose.

· I always have good hygiene.

· I never gain weight when I don’t want to, my body is always slim and never bloated.

· If I ever get pregnant, after having my baby, my body goes quickly back to the way it looked before.

· I don’t have to shave too often.

· If I ever decide have a baby, my pregnancy will be safe and my child will be safe. It will be born happy and healthy.

· I have perfect senses.

· I can be fully functional with little sleep.

· I have good stamina and am physically fit.

· I still have my accent.

· I have a naturally beautiful face with and without make up.

· My make-up sits perfectly on my face and stays all day until I take it off.

· My make-up never runs.

· I always have nicely manicured nails.

· I always look well groomed.

Health

· I have high pain tolerance.

· My period only lasts two days and doesn’t hurt too bad.

· I can only get pregnant if actually wanting too.

· I am always safe.

· I am divinely protected at all times.

· I am well rested and perfectly healthy.

· I can think clearly.

· I have good mental health - maybe went through similar mental health issues when I was younger but now am perfectly healthy and able to cope.

· I do not scar.

· I heal fast.

· 𝖨 𝗐𝗂𝗅𝗅 𝗇𝗈𝗍 𝖻𝖾 too overly 𝖺𝗍𝗍𝖺𝖼𝗁𝖾𝖽 to my DR and I will not get any trauma.

· I eat healthy, and enjoy healthy foods.

· I drink plenty of water

· I have balanced chakras, Good intuition and I radiate love and light.

· I can easily communicate with angels.

Skills

· I am a skilled detective. I know exactly what to do and I have all required skills.

· I am an excellent shot.

· I have excellent fighting and self-defence skills.

· I have high intelligence.

· I'm never badly hurt in the line of duty. Extremely lucky (like domino in dp2.) If I ever get hurt in DR its only minor. No one is suspicious about it.

· I'm a good writer.

· My art skills are always better in my DR than in CR.

· I have a good memory and deduction skills. Good reasoning skills.

· I am socially confident and charismatic.

· I am an excellent speaker.

· I am good at reading people.

· I give good advice.

· I am a good friend.

· I am a great kisser and fantastic in bed.

· I am hard working and have lots of patience.

· I'm a great singer and can play piano, guitar.

· I know French and Irish.

· I know how to drive.

· I'm really good at make-up.

· I'm really funny.

· People easily trust me.

Life

· I have all knowledge my CR self has.

· I had a relatively easy life.

· I come from a wealthy family.

· I am always full of motivation and energy.

· I have an amazing closet full of clothes, including both new clothes and my CR self's clothes.

· I have all of my current realities belongings. (Well, the stuff that I want with me.)

· I have a ton of art supplies.

· I live in my own house which I can afford with ease.

· I have a cute golden retriever called Bailey who is okay alone in the house while I'm at work.

· Bailey is a year old and is fully trained.

· I have a nice car that is self-driving.

· I have a good phone with the LIFA app

· I get to travel to cool places on holidays/vacation.

· While I'm in my DR I don’t confuse my CR's past with my DR's.

· All my fave shows, music, movies are also in my DR.

· I have lots of friends and make friends easily.

· I remember my past in the DR and can reference it with ease.

· I never have to kill as a detective, I can always disarm or find another solution.

· I won't get fired from my job.

· I'm good at my job and I know how to do my job well.

· Trey is my partner and our desks are beside each other.

· I'm also friends with Chris and Hank.

· My friends are always there for me. My friends care about me.

· Money comes to me easily and effortlessly.

· I am a really great at manifesting what I want in my DR.

· People I don’t want to, won’t die or get very hurt.

· People from my DR never notice if I'm not there because when I’m not there, my clone takes my place. (Although I probably won't use my clone too often because I plan to pick up where I left off most of the time.)

· I know all passcodes and important numbers of my DR self's life. E.g. Passwords, phone numbers, etc.

·I have a Spotify/ (or whatever the equivalent to it is in this reality) filled with music that I like. Maybe some of the playlists that I have in CR.

· I'm quick at picking up skills.

· If I ever decide to change career in my DR, I can do so with ease and get whatever job I want.

· I have nice, tidy handwriting.

Family

I come from a wealthy family. We moved from N.I. to America - Detroit in 2025. (Moved Because dad was offered a great job.) *family all have our green cards.*

Family is friends with Carl Manfred.

A very loving, healthy and supportive family.

* In my actual script I go into more detail about my family. but i’ll give you a brief rundown. I chose to shift to a reality with a different family from my CR family because I thought if I had a different family and friends it will give me more of a reason to come back to my CR. So I can have balance? idk...*

My DR dads name is Patrick, DR mums name is Mary and my DR brothers name is Lucas.

Family support and are okay with my relationship with Connor because they recognise androids as living beings.

Last but Not least! Bailey!

Bailey is my one year old Golden retriever. She is very well trained and is an absolute angel. She also really loves Connor.

House

I live in a 1 bedroom, 1 bath house with Bailey. *In my actual script I stuck in a bunch of pictures of a house I built in the sims 4.*

Friends

So, I'm not going to go through all the friends I scripted on here but I’ll tell you about my best friend from my DR. My partner from work, Trey Greene. He’s 27, a leo (like me) and gay. (I honestly made my entire friend group LGBTQ+ LOL)

I may have also scripted that jenna marbles is there and shes my friend lol.

Connor

*Okay now to the real reason I'm shifting, the love of my life.*

Connor falls in love with me the moment he sees me. Although he may not understand what it is at first because he hasn’t deviated yet. When he fully deviates he realises his feelings. He's a little shy about it at first but eventually asks me out. We date and fall in love and end up in a loving healthy relationship. We respect each other's boundaries and are completely in love. Like stereotypical soulmates.

Connor is very romantic and affectionate. Literally like a prince charming.

When we get together we are in a healthy relationship and both of us are completely faithful. I can trust Connor fully because I know he is trust worthy and always has my best intentions at heart.

. We have similar love languages.

. Connor is super-duper romantic and calls me sweet names like "My love."

. Much Like me in this DR, Connor is completely protected and safe with extremely good luck.

After the events of DBH and Connor is deviant. Amanda and cyberlife no longer have any control over him.

NSFW warning - Skip to Lifa if your not comfy.

Connor's model was created fully equipped with regular male genitalia (which is about 7 inches.)

He is very vocal in bed and is great at dirty talk. He can do loving romantic sex and also kinky rough sex too.

Lifa

Lifa is an app on my smart phone that only I have access to. Others don’t notice it. (like hidden in plain sight.)

It can only be noticed by others if I decide I want to show it to someone.

Lifa allows me to script while in my WR. It also allows me to see myself in CR.

Lifa updates me when its nearly time for me to wake up or reminds me when. As if it's like a timer.

Lifa doesn’t require internet. It has maps on it. I can look at my money and add to my money if I so wish. (if I add money it doesn’t ruin the economy.) idk magic lol

I can also access in online on a computer or tablet or any device that carries the internet.

No one else can use it unless I specifically allow it.

I will be alerted by this app if my clone wakes up.

I always have my phone near me. I can never lose it. Its also always fully charged.

If I get a new phone. Lifa automatically downloads on it and deletes off the old phone.

MISC.

· When androids deviate they are able to feel pleasure, touch, etc.

· Androids actually do have souls and are actually a new life form.

· After revolution CyberLife starts to create things for androids like upgrades. E.G. Taste, ability to do almost everything humans can.

· Most people are environmentally conscious.

· The earth is healing and people are taking better care of the planet. A lot more environmentally conscious options.

· The ocean, air, atmosphere and earth are all 70% cleaner than in CR.

· Racism, homophobia, sexism are quite rare. Ultimately society frowns upon such things.

· Humans and Androids live in peace

· Shortly after the revolution, Kamski got repointed as CEO of Cyberlife. Cyberlife now focusing on the needs of Androids and helping them adjust into the world.

· Youtube still exists and is relevant.

· Bagel Bean and Boojum exist in Detroit and aren't too far from my home. (These are food places back at where I'm from that are bomb.)

· No crisis with bees.

. The Police and justice system are reformed.

· No threats of ww3.

· I don’t live too far from work.

· All the videogames I like still exist, (except for dbh obvs.)

· We can buy Cadburys and Pujana tea in America. (Things I like in the UK.)

• Food in US is similar to food in UK. e.g. same food laws and food that is actual tasty / healthy. LOL

(sorry, I've been to America and the food there tastes weird, man.)

Future

Now that the androids have rights, Cyberlife has to free all active Androids. Eventually they get around to RK900. Cyberlife only created one RK900 as a prototype before the revolution.

The RK900 goes by the name Nines. He ends up working in the DPD. (Months later.) It takes a while for Nines to deviate but he eventually does. Nines is rather stoic but he is nice. Him and Connor have a brotherly bond. Nines becomes friends with me, Connor, Hank and Trey. (Part of our little found family.)

In the future, when Connor and I are both ready we get married and have kids (either through adoption or sperm donation or maybe they find a way for androids to have kids in the future, idk?)

In the future me and Connor buy our dream house together.

So, Yeah that's what I've scripted so far. I keep one script on my PC and one in a notebook under my bed.

Feel free to use any ideas or concepts from my script

#shiftblr #reality shifting

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soemthingsparkly · 3 years

Note

another thought!! mama rose catches conrad smoking and is like "hmm no this won't do" so she makes him quit, she thinks all is well, but gets a phonecall from the school two days later (because of course they can't reach con's/reggie's parents idk what his living situation is) that he's half dead, so she goes and gets him and he's going through nicotine withdrawal and she's like "why didn't u tell me?!" and he's like "my fault for smoking in the first place"

Ugh, okay, here's the thing.

This feels 100% in character.

His first response to any problem is not "Oh man, who can help me fix this?" but "I probably deserve this."

And it's kinda heart breaking for Rose because he's a 17 year old kid who genuinely thinks all of the choices he's made in his past were made in a vacuum of external influence.

And he seems to desperately forget that these are the terrible choices of a child half his age, desperate for attention, security, emotional guidance.

When they talk it out - maybe after some professional therapy, too - Rose learns that Conrad started smoking at the age of thirteen, when they first moved to New York. and his mom was infatuated with a drug dealer.

Not only was substance abuse normalised for him, because his mom was infatuated with a drug dealer, he'd also heard somewhere that smoking curbs appetite.

He was a starving child looking for a release from the pains and pangs of an empty stomach.

Soon, Rose starts seeing Conrad not as the hellbent miscreant she first met, but a confused, trouble child with a lifetime of instability.

"Oh, fuck."

#mama rose #oc conrad #conrad reggie #jaz answers #jaz answers jatp

32 notes · View notes

carriemaya · 3 years

Text

COMING HOME — Healing from Housing Instability

CW: Childhood sexual abuse, parentification, slibling abuse, religious abuse, and PTSD.

INTERGENERATIONAL FAMILY TRAUMA

I grew up with a lot of material privilege: a beautiful home on 2 acres of property, cable TV, ducted heating/cooling, always had food on the table, and went to a private Christian school (even if it was through a bursary programme). I even had singing and piano lessons (and went to performing arts school with Zachary Ruane from Aunty Donna — true story!).

But there was a maelstrom of abuse going on behind closed doors.

What my five siblings and I experienced varied from child to child; a combination of sexual, physical, psychological, and spiritual abuse — from parent to child and sibling to sibling over the course of many years. While the onus for violence, volatility, and religious fundamentalism was on my parents, they were also the facilitators of beautiful moments of genuine care and joy — a toxic dynamic born of traumatised adults who find themselves the parents of little children whose entire world they’re responsible for.

And because our nervous systems remember things that we would choose to forgive and forget, it laid the rocky foundation for the early onset of a plethora of complex mental health issues that I still experience today.

And while my parents weren’t all bad or all good (as is the case with most people), the culture they created or allowed, made way for fractured relationships between my siblings and me — and unfortunately these sibling relationships became the catalyst for my personal ongoing housing instability and a deeper, more chronic experience of psychological damage that years of therapy, self-help books, and spiritual healing sessions haven’t been able to heal.

My siblings were traumatised by the person I was growing up. I was parentified from a young age and stepped into the mother role. At around 10 years old, my parents forced me to physically discipline my siblings. But I had the head and heart of a child which meant that I wielded power with all the wisdom and responsibility of, well, a child.

It caused lots of damage because I was the scary one in their eyes (not my parents) which set me up to be alienated from my siblings pretty much from the get go. I could be awful to them. But I also loved them and simultaneously felt responsible for protecting them against my parents. I look back at the moments born of these confusing dynamics and I can pinpoint them as the place in my life where my personality started to fragment.

When it came to trying to protect myself, my siblings, or to reason with my parents, I yelled. A lot. My voice was the only weapon I had to use against their size, age, fellow adult allies, and economic power.

I thought that by yelling I could get through to them — to help them wake them up and see how much their kids were suffering because of their behaviour. I didn’t learn until I was an adult that my brothers and sisters resented me for this as they wished I had just been quiet. The toxic culture in my family was normalised and my railing against it was seen as the cause of our household drama.

I was Crazy Carrie. The mentally ill one who yells a lot.

While experiencing abuse from my parents, I also abused my siblings.Thankfully, they weren’t subjected to the same kind of treatment I received from my parents as the eldest child. But unfortunately because of that, it meant they weren’t privy to the ways I was being tormented behind the scenes into becoming the kind of child I was. They remember me as an abuser. And why wouldn’t they? And as an adult with space and time between us, I can also accept that their feelings and opinions about me are valid.

But the thing that breaks my heart is that they don’t seem to remember the good things I tried to do for our family — or sacrifices I made. Like when I dropped out of high school in my final year to cook, clean, and be their emotional support because my father forced my mum to go work outside of the home full time. It was my dream to be the first person in our family to finish high school. B that honour went to my brother. I’m proud of him and glad he got to do it. Yet at the same time, it feels as though the things I tried to do right count for nothing.

And I guess that’s the complex nature of intergenerational family trauma.

Everyone’s a victim and no one comes out unscathed.

THE BEGINNING OF HOUSING INSECURITY

When I was 18, my father was eventually removed by The Department of Human Services.

And we turned to a church for hope and support. We were then exploited and abused for 6 years. You can listen to that story in full detail here.

[TLDL version: inappropriate touching of me and my siblings by church leadership, encircled by a group of church members in a prayer meeting and forced to take communion while crying and choking on breadsticks and cranberry juice, the pastor putting wedges in between children and their parents so she could be their mother).

My siblings and I had explosive relationships before going to the church. But after what we experienced at the hands of our former pastor, the dysfunction and dissension multiplied 50xfold. They became toxic and so did I. Our home, post-church, became a cocktail of trauma, brainwashing, and siblings hurting siblings.

Upon leaving that church, I became aware of how toxic I had been in so many ways. I started apologising to everyone in my family as soon as I became conscious of it. I still wanted to hold onto my faith and I wanted to process what we’d been through so that we could heal.

Unfortunately, the siblings I have had the most conflict with over the years — and I — had such deeply opposing perceptions about our behaviour toward each other.We all have contrasting feelings about who should be taking responsibility for what. Or what had transpired between us over the years and what hadn’t.

They told me that I was selfish for wanting to talk about what happened and that if I truly wanted to move on, I would just do it. I felt constantly shut down and dismissed by them — just as I had with my parents growing up when all I wanted to do was to connect by bringing things out in the open for two-way, exploratory conversation.

In conjunction with this, because of how much shame and self-hatred I had for the way I had been growing up (and who I’d become at church), I believed that even if I felt hurt by their behaviour now, that I should allow them to treat me however they want because maybe that’s what they need to do to heal.

But no matter how much I apologised or tried to change, it felt that they were committed to misunderstanding me because they wanted me to hurt as much as I’d hurt them. Which I understand because their pain and trauma needs a voice. And because I was the cause of so much of it, their frustration and anger landed squarely back on to me.

I guess they just didn’t realise how much I had been hurting, too.

This eventually led to me going into fawning mode. And I was eventually forced to leave home because of the bullying that I experienced at their hands. I felt really betrayed by my mum who allowed certain things to happen without standing up for me, a feeling which triggered painful emotions associated with the way she singled me out for abuse as a child.

When I finally left home, I told her that I wanted nothing more to do with her. And that if she ever wanted a relationship with me again she’d have to earn it.

Note: I’m sure you understand that I can’t share everything about my family in detail. This blog entry is actually a redraft of a much longer, much more explicit, piece that explains all the awful things I did to my siblings and all the awful things they’ve done to me. We’re all adults now. And at this stage we’ve all traumatised each other. It’s unfair. And it sucks for every single person involved.

When you are driven out of your housing by personal circumstances or through danger to your person, it’s a complete upheaval. Personally it was utterly jarring when my family situation led to me needing to leave before I was ready. Especially when it was catlysed by the dismissal of me and my survival needs in preference for another sibling who was causing literal damage to our house (among other things).

Once I’d moved out, I crashed. A sort of emotional paralysis took over.

And I’ve carried that paralysis and accompanying dissociation with me for the last 7 years. Every move bringing it to the surface and causing me to plummet into the self-hatred and fear associated with being driven out of my home in the first place.

Anyone who’s rented knows that good housing situations are the luck of the draw.

Throughout all the moves I’ve made in the last decade, some have been a dream: like Jake and Beth who were fellow live-in mentors to an at-risk young person for the Vista Lead Tenant Program where we had beautiful chats about faith, doubt, politics, and played Jackbox TV games. Like the international sharehouse where I learnt Farsi from Reza and Shohra — an Iranian immigrant couple who didn’t even have a mattress to sleep on but would invite me to eat almonds on the blanket they had laid out on their bedroom floor.

The majority of them, though, have been utter nightmares.

Like the one where I was being stalked by a neighbour in the unit behind mine. When I told her to back off, she retaliated by making a false report to the police — saying that she was fearful for the lives of her fiance, her pets, and herself. I was taken to court and the mediator saw through her straight away. Thankfully, he was incredible and encouraged me to file for a cross-order/ intervention order so that she didn’t just have one against me. Which would give me some measure of protection against her if she wanted to start making trouble for me. I agreed. That SAME day, she breached it and came right up to my bedroom window and started looking around my unit.

Another time, I moved in with a man whose Gumtree ad I responded to out of desperation for a place to stay. Then after a week, he told me that I wasn’t allowed to file for rental assistance from Centrelink because it would cut into his welfare benefits. I agreed because I needed a roof over my head. And it also didn’t take long to learn that he was an alcoholic who stayed up all night listening to the radio up to 11 and I found myself unable to sleep.

And finally, the nightmare of my most recent living situation up until two months ago. I lived next door to two meth addicts. Let’s call them Tarzan and Jane.

They were good enough neigbours until COVID-19 hit. I think it’s because they used to party at other peoples’ places before restrictions were implemented but couldn’t anymore.

The drugs, the psychosis, the cackling-witchy ramblings of Jane, and waking up to her yelling in the street early morning after early morning

One time, they had a 17-hour bender.

He groaned in this deep, demonic sounding voice for 40 minutes. She began to tell herself a story. At 4am, Tarzan stood at my bedroom wall shouting, “Fuck off, poofter” for 15 minutes. I dragged my mattress into the lounge and closed the door while they continued to party hard to loud music for a further 7 hours.

I spent most of 2020 sleeping in my living room because I was so scared. It triggered PTSD episodes for me on a daily basis.

Then Jane passed away from an overdose.

The woman from across the street (we’ll call her Julie), started coming over to visit Tarzan all the time. He started putting up a fence without permission from the landlord. I felt like reporting him at first, but decided to leave it alone.

And one of these days that she came over to visit Tarzan, I hear Julie start yelling about me through the wall. It wasn’t just about her being a bitch. She was another loud, rude, scary person disturbing my right to a peaceful home and I decided enough was enough.

I decided to confront them.

I grabbed my phone because I knew that if they reacted badly without video evidence of their actions towards me, nothing could be enforced by the authorities.

I’m glad I thought that far ahead because Julie physically assaulted me, snatched my phone away, and then smashed it on the ground. It turned out Tarzan had received a breach of lease notification from the real estate agency for the unapproved fence and thought I had reported him.

Because the attack was caught on camera, when the police arrived and saw the footage and damages, they arrested her and charged her with unlawful assault.there anymore. But that was it. I couldn’t stay there anymore.

The physical attack by my neighbor was just the beginning of a series of injuries that would also take their toll on my well being.

At the end of October last year, just after the assault, my friend Tash graciously offered her home to me while she and her husband lived in Melbourne short-term for his cancer treatment. In exchange for looking after her cats, I received rent-free, bill-free accommodation while I looked for a new place.

I needed a safe place to recover and roll out the first session of my online coaching programme Mother Mary Speaks, so I promptly moved into Tash’s and was able to run my first session.

One week passes, I’m working at my desk, and I get up to move around a bit because my legs have fallen asleep — my ankle crushes beneath me. I rolled it and couldn’t get up.

I ended up in hospital with ligament damage.

So there I was, living in interim housing, $300 in my savings, a cat in tow, unsure of how I’m going to afford a new place and whether I’ll be accepted by a real estate agency even if I can (because I am self-employed and don’t yet have a livable wage/ am still receiving Centrelink benefits). And now I can’t walk. Oh, and I’m running a 6-week programme where people need me to hold space for them.

And each day I’m without a home, I’m cripped more and more by PTSD associated with housing and family.

THE CONSEQUENCES OF CONSTANTLY MOVING FOR 7 YEARS

Moving is expensive.

Like really expensive.

Transporting furniture and possessions is really pricey if you hire a professional. And honestly I’ve never been able to afford it. Which has also been really hard as someone who doesn’t drive due to having seizures since she was in her teens.

The stress of having to coordinate help when your former pastor made you believe that anything you express needing help with makes you a selfish taker of resources — someone who is unworthy of their faith for not putting it in God’s hands only. The anxiety and shame from those past conversations and beliefs about myself are almost unbearable at times.

Then there’s the cost of bond and first month’s rent. And all the utility connection costs that can really add up depending on how old a property is or what kinds of outlets and wiring a place has installed.

During the last 7 years, I managed to support myself financially for nearly 2 whole years with a livable wage. Because the work was flexible and online, it meant that I could work around the PTSD episodes and manage the effects of my Borderline Personality Disorder (like chronic self-harm urges, sui* ideation, and anxiety/ depression). More recently in 2019, I was casually unemployed for about 5 months and then COVID-19 hit and the work fell through.

I have been building a business using my life experience, professional experience, spiritual gifts, and a combination of small wages and welfare payments.

So one doesn’t have much savings or proof of income in these situations. I’ve had to borrow money more times than I can count to make sure I have a roof over my head. And I’m one of the lucky ones who has someone to help me in these situations.

Then there’s the deep-seated uncertainty that comes with constant unwanted relocations. Each move has felt like a deeper, harder blow to the foundations of my stability.

I’ve tried everything to ground myself and make myself feel safe over the years — and thankfully I’ve found many tools to make life more bearable.

And while I’m able to cognitively understand that renting is the reality for so many of us (and that in this day and age, home ownership is a privilege that fewer and fewer people are able to afford), my body and all my emotions have been ever filled with anxious anticipation that life is just about to be pulled out from under me.

The same question arises with each new property, “ What if this was how it’s going to be for the rest of my life? And what if it’s going to continue happening in really dramatic ways like being assaulted or taken to court? What if my life is a never-ending cycle of mental illness, trauma, and housing crisis? Will I ever get a chance at stability? A chance to build something sustainable beyond survival?”

THE END OF HOUSING INSTABILITY

Years ago, when mum began making amends for the ways in which she didn’t come through for me when my siblings bullied me out of home, she apologised to me as much as was humanly possible.

And while the journey toward reconciliation was far from smooth sailing, each year has seen our relationship blossom and grow. She has spent the last 7 years since earning my trust back. She hasn’t just said sorry. She’s made recompense where possible.

She has helped me with transport, paying rent, bills, bonds, moving costs, and has been an incredible rock of strength when I’m experiencing extreme mental illness symptoms. No one understands me or holds space for me with the love and strength that my mama does.

I’m open with her about the fact that I’m writing this article. I’m a writer, I need speak my truth. And the cost-benefit analysis of sharing the story of our healed relationship comes out as a choice with lots of benefits. I also want to say that I don’t just forgive her. I adore her. She is actually my most favourite person in the world and I can’t imagine my life without her. She even told me last year that she has left her house to me in her will because she wants to make sure I’m taken care of when she’s gone.

I’ve come to learn the ways in which her life was shaped by family trauma and abuse. And how that flowed down into our family unit.

She’s had her world destroyed over and over again. And I couldn’t see that when I was younger because all I could think about was that I needed her — in the ways a young child needs their parent.

But as I’ve grown older, I look at her with so much gratitude and compassion.

Because being an adult is hard. And life is mostly hard. And being an adult, with trauma, when you have children must feel insurmountable. Yet she never gives up. She never stops. She keeps coming back to our relationship to be the mum I need.

And this is exactly what she did when I got ligament damage at Tash’s house.

She moved in with me and took care of me every day for two months. While also working during the day from the office (because of COVID-19). It’s been a beautiful time of bonding.

During this time, though, she’s watched me struggle immensely. Because of inaccessible housing opportunity after inaccessible housing opportunity. The houses that are affordable are high-risk for dangerous neighbours and my mental health couldn’t handle another attack. And even they are so expensive that I couldn’t rent them.

Then on top of this, the rental market in Gippsland isn’t what it used to be. People from Melbourne have fled here in droves to escape catching COVID-19. bUT Their relocating and renting out all the properties with their big city incomes means that there’s hardly anything here for the locals who fall within the lower socio-economic bracket.

Time to leave Tash’s home was coming to an end and I had nowhere to turn. I ultimately secured the last affordable caravan in Gippsland and was going to live on mum’s front lawn. But then one day, about two weeks ago, she comes back to Tash’s after being out for the night and says she has some news.

She tells me that she is giving me her house.

Yeah.

Not the house I lived in with her and my siblings 7 years ago. She’s since moved into a home that I’ve never lived in.

She’s been in Gippsland for over 30 years. She’s originally from Melbourne way, and she’d like to do a bit of a homecoming of her own. Because she loves all six of her children and can’t fix all our divided relationships, outside of her working hours, she wants to be a wandering mama.

She’s decided to keep one room in her house for when she lives with me, and then she’ll be renting a place with one of my sisters who has been needing to move to Melbourne for her job (as commuting so far was exhausting her). And I get to start decorating it exactly how I’d like as though I already own it.

It’s going to be my forever home. From now until I inherit it (which will hopefully not be for decades to come). And then from when I inherit it until I decide to sell it (or not).

I’m a little shocked. The symbolism of this beautiful, full-circle and healing gesture is not lost of me.

Thankfully my siblings are pretty high-functioning people who have material stability and are building the lives they want. And I’m really glad for them. Even if I don’t have relationships with most of them. I want to see them grow and prosper. And receiving this generous gift from my mum is her way of taking care of me and ensuring I keep growing and prospering, too.

It’s the proof I didn’t know I needed that I am as loved as my siblings.

HOUSING PRIVILEGE

Some of us choose the nomadic life.

Some of us buy or build our own homes.

Some of us are living from rental to rental knowing that we’ll never be able to break the cycle.

And even worse still are those of us who end up on the streets because they can’t afford any of the above.

I can’t speak for everyone, but experiencing both homelessness and unrelenting housing instability drove me to the brink of madness. That’s not an expression. I mean, as much as I’ve healed myself in so many ways over the years, I was starting to lose my mind after living through these consecutive housing traumas.

I don’t care what anyone says: people don’t need to just learn how to make their bodies their homes and learn to make themselves feel safe. That’s New Age bullshit. The reality is that just like children need shelter and stability from their parents when they’re growing up. All people need shelter and housing security that isn’t going to be taken from them. They need to know they are loved and safe, and having a home helps ensure that. There are only so many grounding techniques, meditations, and reframes that one can do before the instability of housing insecurity hits sends you spiraling mentally

Coping every now and then isn’t flourishing.

Never having a solid, unmoving homebase to trust in so that a person can build their life financially and relationally is common but not normal. Or healthy. Or okay.

I’m 32 now and I work hard on my mental health. I have taken radical self-responsibility for my life and the direction it’s going.

But no matter how hard I work or try, I can’t hustle my way out of complex mental health issues that affect my ability to work in a mainstream job (and thusly earn the money that I need to live a comfortable life). I’ll never stop trying to build a degree of wealth that can help me make ends meet. But I will NEVER AGAIN shame myself for not being able to pull myself up by my bootstraps and climb my way up the socio-economic ladder.

The capitalist narrative that we live in a meritocracy where all you have to do is work hard and you can get everything you want is a lie.

The capacity to work varies from person to person. And this isn’t just in relation to physical disability but disabling mental health experiences.

I’ve struggled for 7 year up until yesterday, and all of a sudden I’m someone with housing privilege. I didn’t earn this home. It was a gift from my mum.

But don’t I deserve it? Doesn’t everyone deserve this?

I say a hearty yes.

And yet, it feels bizarre because I don’t know myself as a person who isn’t struggling to survive.

I know it’s going to require a LOT of unpacking. My identity needs to evolve so that I can adapt to this move.

WHAT NOW?

My body still holds a lot of fear around what some of my family can do to me. And moving into this home feels a little bit scary because of it. I asked my mum if she’d agreed to signing a written agreement with me. Something to support my right to be in this home if toxic sibling relationships bleed over into my housing situation again. She is the best. I can’t celebrate her enough for going the extra mile here to prove that she loves me and wants what is best for me.

Because of the familiar instability story, I’m feeling scared to trust that I have a home or won’t be driven out of this house, too.

But I’m choosing to put faith in my mum now. And in the 50% possibility that this situation can work out really, really well.

I get to return “home” and give myself the parenting I never had.

And I’m devoting 2021 to figuring out what this means. Integrating it and working through the painful associations with it.

Fulfilling little dreams like: the joy of being allowed to put pictures up on the wall, creating Pinterest boards for each of the rooms in my new home, watching Workaholics with the sibling I still have a relationship with, and feeling peace because I know my cat can call it his forever home, too.

Adapting to the fulfilment of bigger dreams like: freedom from landlords and real estate agents, and knowing that I can finally put down roots.

Where the repeated upheaval of my life was a constant trigger related to feeling unloved by my siblings and mother, it’s being replaced with a home that represents my mum’s love for me; a testament to relationships that are worth fighting for, parents who are people with their own stories and need a chance to be seen in their humanity, and children who never stop needing to know that they are loved.

Follow me on Instagram: @heycarriemaya

#home #homeless #homelessness #ptsd #mentalillness #mentalhealth #toxicfamily

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belovedhestia · 4 years

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Ohh so you weren't born here? Also what do you mean when you say Slavic parents enforce their trauma on us kids? Curious bc I am Slavic (well Baltic but hey close enough haha) <3

Nope, I was born in Ukraine! <3

And (although its my experience, however a lot of my slavic friends also went through the same thing) slavic parents, esp those who emigrated after the collapse, tend to have a lot of trauma from everything that happened in the 90s in the Yeltsin era (the gang violence, poverty, etc) and none of them went through therapy because it wasn’t normalised in society, especially amongst men. Of course some people are just... abusive, and assholes, and that’s who they are, and my father is like that, lmfao, but the trauma that’s intrinsic to the slavic immigrant identity definitely doesn’t help with them impacting their views and instability on their children.

#abuse tw #trauma tw #sorry im going to be tagging these from now on! i realise not everyone wants to see them ahh #Anonymous

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acti-veg · 5 years

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Do you think there’s a certain age where people are much less likely to their views?

I couldn’t point to a specific age but I do think that young people are just generally a bit more open to identity changes in particular. I’ve met plenty of older people who have gone vegan, but the sort of natural instability and constant flux of being younger lends itself better to radical dietary and lifestyle changes, and most vegans do fall in the youngster age bracket. I think they as we see it become more normalised and the current vegan population gets older, the balance will shift a little bit and it’ll be a bit more even in terms of age groups.

#ask #vegan

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therealcrimediary · 2 months

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swissforextrading · 5 years

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Bank lobby group demands end to negative interest rates

The Swiss Bankers Association (SBA) says negative interest rates are contributing to financial and economic instability in Switzerland. The central bank, which has set rates at -0.75%, is due to review its policy on September 19. SBA Chairman Herbert Scheidt said on Thursday that a normalisation of interest rates “appears a long way off”. “Unfortunately, the societal, structural and long-term damages will become even greater the longer we find ourselves in this ‘lower forever’ environment,” he told the media. Banks are suffering from having to pay for the privilege of parking assets at the Swiss National Bank (SNB), to the tune of CHF2 billion ($2 billion) per year. Banks have been forced to pass on some of this penalty onto corporate and wealthy clients. By contrast, interest rates in the United States remain in positive territory while European banks benefit from “targeted longer-term refinancing operations”. These are loans issued by the European Central Bank (ECB) to ... http://www.swissinfo.ch/eng/swiss-bankers-association_bank-lobby-group-demands-end-to-negative-interest-rates/45223864?utm_source=multiple&utm_campaign=swi-rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_content=o (Source of the original content)

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ainestudies · 5 years

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Important exam season reminder you’ve heard before but might need to hear again...

Your mental health comes first.

In exam season it can become really normalised to hear people complaining that they can’t sleep, they’re so stressed, they’re overwhelmed, they’re running on fumes, etc etc.

And most of the time you can assume they’re coping. Most people are - stress is always an effect of studying and exams. But listen to your body. If you cross the line between normal exam stress to genuine mental instability, or if you have a mental illness and feel the strain exacerbating your symptoms or triggering reactions remember that you can drop everything else to take care of yourself.

Last week I was approaching the final deadline for my last ever submissions for university undergrad. As a final year student I’ve been feeling the pressure all year and in the last few months I’ve felt the anxiety increase. I was dealing with making plans for the future and deciding my next moves all whilst preparing to submit my last ever assignments. In order to curb my anxiety I made a plan to stay on top of things, leaving my plans for next year aside as deadlines grew closer as I’ll have all the time in the world for that once I’m finished. This worked for a while but as the deadlines got closer I was dealing with higher and higher levels of stress and anxiety every single day. I reached the point of a breakdown two days before my deadline in the library at 10.30pm. I could count the hours I had left before my submissions but with the levels of anxiety and tension I was feeling I couldn’t focus enough to complete the tasks I needed to until I ran to the bathroom 3 times in 20 minutes, on the 3rd time having a panic attack. I called two of my friends who were also studying and was able to calm myself down enough for the night after taking a walk and eventually getting some more work done. When I went home to bed I spent an hour on the phone to my brother trying to relax myself enough to fall asleep, but as soon as he hung up to go to bed I was right back to unbearable levels of anxiety. I lay awake in bed for about 3 hours, inducing a second panic attack in about 6 hours before I messaged a friend who phoned me and stayed on the phone until I was finally drifting off. Again, as soon as she hung up I was right back in square one, but I didn’t want to ring her again at 4.30am. I played calming music, tried to drink water and every other method I know for calming myself down, to no avail. I lay tossing and turning, drifting off for 15 to 20 minute intervals and waking up drenched in sweat. I got up at 7am, after a total of about 2 hours sleep the entire night, with my heart still pounding and feeling like I wasn’t able to breathe. At this point I realised I couldn’t continue as I was. I messaged my dad who phoned me and I got in contact with my doctor who was able to prescribe anxiety medication. The medication helped me stay calm enough to focus on the work I was doing and after seeking medical help I was able to get an extension on my deadline that relieved huge amounts of pressure - both of which allowed me a proper nights sleep that night. The reality of the situation is that working hard is important, doing your best is important, but at the end of the day nothing is more important than your health and happiness. There is nothing in the world that is worth the pain and pressure I have put on myself for the past 2 months (something I have understood all along but been unable to prevent). Lesson is this; if it gets to be too much - you need to listen to your body, know when to stop, and most of all seek help. I don’t know where I would be without all the people I’ve mentioned above - the friends who talked me down from my first panic attack in the library, my brother who has been on the phone to me for at least an hour a day since the first call that night when I told him how rough I’ve been feeling, my friend who sat on the phone to me for over an hour after 3am, my dad who helped me seek medical attention, my mum and my sister who’ve been checking up on me ever since, the people who’ve heard what’s happening and sent me well wishes and made sure I’ve been taking breaks and pushing me ever closer to the finish line. Even the staff at my university who handled my extension with care and made sure I had the support system in place to cope. Reach out - even if you don’t need medical help, everyone needs to talk. If you notice any of your friends are suffering or struggling to cope at this time of year, do something. Ask them to take a break with you and let them talk. Call them in the evening and let them rant. Encourage them to seek medical help if they need it.

One of the nicest things a friend did for me was leave me a bar of chocolate that I had been craving for 2 weeks but couldn’t get in my local shop and didn’t have time to go anywhere else to get it. She left a little note on it saying I was doing great and to give myself a break and I have never been so grateful. It doesn’t have to be life-changing, but doing something simple like that can be a game changer. Look out for your friends.

Everyone knows at this point that there are hotlines and phone numbers to call if you are struggling with mental health, they’re just a google search away. But sometimes, when someone is struggling in such an insular way it takes a little prompting from friends and family to persuade them that they need to take a break and talk. If you can, be that support system. I promise someone will be grateful of it.

#long post #studyblr #litblr #exams #positivity #mental health #self-care #assignments #essays #take a break #drink water #look after yourself #please

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