#Princeps Cretaceus

[qwanhei]

[ Princeps Cretaceus ]

#genshin impact #fanart #summertime odyssey #princeps cretaceus #albedo

[dkniade]

Translating Some Dialogues from Albedo's Story Quest

Spoilers for Albedo’s Story Quest and backstory!

I’m in no way a professional, so this is just for fun. With that being said, I’ll translate some parts from the last quest of Albedo’s Story Quest that I found interesting. 

At the end of “The Final Experiment: Withering Glory”, you go back to the campsite and have a conversation with Albedo, and after you leave, Albedo speaks to himself. I will be translating three exchanges from the two sections. 

Since I’m translating three parts from the rather long conversation, I will separate each part with a heading: “After the Flower Blooms and Withers”, “Albedo’s Line About Loneliness”, and “After the Traveler Leaves”.

Aside from that, the order will be the same as my usual format. Under each heading, you will find the original Chinese version, then my English translation, then the official English version, and my translation notes for the respective section. 

When playing his quest in English, I had a feeling that the story was translated pretty well, so I went to see the dialogue again after switching to Chinese. Translating lines from this part of the quest was difficult because of the complicated concepts Albedo mentions… Many phrases in my translation are taken from the official English translation because of this, and other phrases I took a shot at interpreting them myself based on the context. Paimon doesn’t refer to herself in third person in Chinese, so I’ll follow that in my translation too.

This was certainly an interesting learning process!

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After the Flower Blooms and Withers

Original Chinese Version

阿贝多：唉，看来这就是极限了。只能盛开一瞬却无比美丽的花朵，生命的极致也在于此。

派蒙：我以为我们付出了那么多，它可以永远盛开下去。而且好像也没结出什么果子…

阿贝多：生命是多种多样的自由之物，不应以长短定义优劣，哪怕只绽放一刹那…

阿贝多：短暂的生命也未必是坏事。高效，完美，意味着不会被孤独所困扰。

阿贝多：所以，你能明白吗？我刚刚说的，「我们的交谈说不定是奇迹」这件事。

.

My English Translation

Albedo: *sigh* It would seem that’s the limit. A transient bloom of incomparable beauty… Such is the pinnacle of life.

Paimon: I thought that with all our efforts, it would have bloomed forever. And it didn’t even seem to have any fruit… 

Albedo: Life comes in limitless forms. It shouldn’t have its value be defined by its lifespan, even if it’s a momentary bloom…

Albedo: And a short life isn’t necessarily a bad thing. To live competently and perfectly is the only way to be unburdened by loneliness.

Albedo: So, do you understand? When I said that “us conversing here might just be a miracle”.

.

Official English Translation

Albedo: *sigh* It would seem that that's as far as we go. A transient bloom of incomparable beauty... Life's proudest achievement.

Paimon: Paimon thought, with all our efforts, it might have bloomed forever. And it didn't even have any fruit...

Albedo: Life is a manifold tapestry of free entities, its value shouldn't derive from how long it stays with us. Even a momentary burst is precious.

Albedo: A short life can be well-lived. A life lived efficiently, lived to perfection, is necessarily one unburdened by loneliness.

Albedo: So, do you understand what I meant about us conversing here arguably being a small miracle?

------------

Translation Notes

盛开 → (of a flower) to bloom

一瞬 → momentary, transient, etc

极致 → maximum, pinnacle (e.g. “the pinnacle of life”)

于此 → up until here, until now, like this, therein, hereof

“只能盛开一瞬却无比美丽的花朵，生命的极致也在于此。”

“A transient bloom of incomparable beauty.  Such is the pinnacle of life.”

Official english translation is the best way to word the first half

定义 → define 

多种多样 → diverse, various, manifold, etc

I’m not really sure what Albedo is referring to by “生命是多种多样的自由之物”

“Life is a manifold tapestry of free entities”

The official English translation is probably the best way to word it even though it’s so unclear

 (I say that, but on second thought, I will try to dissect this anyway.)

The phrase sounds odd even in Chinese, but many dialogues in the game aren’t things you’d say in real life (in the same way that anime lines sound weird in real life). 

“生命是多种多样的自由之物”

Roughly “Life is a free concept of many forms”

The line is about a flower that withers after a momentary bloom

The next part talks about how its value shouldn’t be defined by its lifespan

I’m guessing that Albedo is talking about biodiversity and how there are many different organisms in the world

“自由之物” should refer to a concept that’s not restrained to one form (as in not all lifeforms are the same)

“There are many different organisms in the world.”

“Life is unrestrained, and there exists many forms of life. “

“The forms that life can take are limitless.”

“Life comes in limitless forms.”

高效 → efficient, highly efficient 

困扰 → be bothered, be troubled, etc

“高效，完美，意味着不会被孤独所困扰。”

“Unbothered by loneliness”

“Unburdened by loneliness”

The second one sounds better. Official English translation uses unburdened too. 

This sentence has no subject and it’s weird because proper Chinese isn’t like this grammatically speaking

Literally this sentence says “Efficient, perfect, means won’t be burdened by loneliness”

“A life lived efficiently, lived to perfection, means one unbothered by loneliness.”

“If a life is lived efficiently, lived to perfection, one wouldn’t be burdened by loneliness.”

“To be unburdened by loneliness means to live efficiently, and to live to perfection.”

I need to know why Albedo would say this. He’s interested in the idea of a life well-spent and lived perfectly, which should be due to Rhinedottir’s strictness towards him…

OH and in his Character Story 5, it said he’s always believed Rhinedottir’s threat of abandoning him if he cannot complete assigned tasks perfectly

So this line would be him saying, “If one’s perfect and efficient/competent, they won’t be lonely and abandoned.”

To the Traveler he’s talking about the flower, but Albedo knows on the inside he’s talking about himself. That’s how I’m interpreting this line.

“短暂的生命也未必是坏事。高效，完美，意味着不会被孤独所困扰。”

“And a short life isn’t necessarily a bad thing. To live competently and perfectly is the only way to be unburdened by loneliness.”

Something like this, maybe?

-------------

Albedo’s Line About Loneliness

Original Chinese Version

派蒙：嘿嘿，别没精打采的了，（旅行者），你还有我啊。

派蒙：还有阿贝多，我很愿意跟你当朋友啦。

阿贝多：…谢谢你们。虽然我不认为排解孤独是生命的必要之举…但，也不坏。

.

My English Translation 

Paimon: Hehe, don’t look so down, (Traveler), you’ve still got me.

Paimon: And Albedo, of course I want to be friends with you.

Albedo: …Thank you both. Though I don’t feel that dispelling loneliness is essential for life… It doesn’t hurt, either.

.

Official English Translation

Paimon: Hehehe, don't be sad, (Traveler), you've got Paimon to look after you.

Paimon: Albedo, Paimon really wants to be your friend.

Albedo: ...Thank you both. Even if dispelling loneliness is not essential for life, it certainly doesn't hurt.

------------

Translation Notes

没精打采 → down, disheartened, languid, etc.

排解 → dispel

必要之举 —> necessary 

不坏 —> (literally) “not bad” —> It doesn’t hurt (to do/be something)

----------

After the Traveler Leaves

Original Chinese Version

阿贝多：虽然一直在告诉（他/她），说实验结果是「平凡」的…

阿贝多：但这不该出现在瓶底的沉淀，又是怎么一回事呢？

阿贝多：呼吸黑土则污秽，呼吸白垩则无垢。你与我一样，都是未来尚未完全确定的「质料」吧…

阿贝多：如果有一天，失控的我要把蒙德…把一切都毁灭的话——

阿贝多：可以期待你来阻止我吗？

.

My English Translation

Albedo: Although I kept telling (him/her) that the experiment’s results were “ordinary”…

Albedo: But then what’s this sediment that shouldn’t have formed at the bottom of the vial?

Albedo: Those at the Nigredo stage are bound by their imperfections, yet once they arrive at the Albedo stage, they are freed from their impurities. I guess you and I are alike, both “raw materials” whose future is not yet fully determined…

Albedo: If one day, I lose control and destroy Mond… destroy everything——

Albedo: Can I expect you to stop me?

.

Official English Translation

Albedo: I made a point throughout of telling (him/her) how ordinary the results were...

Albedo: But what was that sediment I saw forming at the bottom of the vial? It should not have been there... What could it mean?

Albedo: Those born of earth are bound by its imperfections, but those born of chalk are free of impurities... You and I are alike, both composed of a substance that has yet to be fully defined...

Albedo: If one day, I lose control... destroy Mondstadt... destroy everything...

Albedo: Can I rely on you to stop me?

---------------

Translation Notes

沉淀 —> sediment 

怎么一回事 —> What’s this about 

尚未 —> not yet 

质料 —> material, raw material

蒙德 —> “Mond”, like the translation used in the manga. In comparison, “蒙德城” is “Mond City”, hence “Mondstadt”

期待 —> look forward to. It could also mean “expect”. 

”呼吸黑土则污秽，呼吸白垩则无垢。你与我一样，都是未来尚未完全确定的「质料」吧…”

白垩 (chalk, the mineral Calcite) is a type of  石灰岩 (limestone), and has purification properties

黑土 and 白垩 should refer to the first two stages in the alchemical process, Nigredo (soil) and Albedo (chalk)

Likewise, the second half of this line also talks about substances whose futures are not yet fully defined (possibly referring to the next two stages in the alchemical process, Citrinitas and Rubedo) 

Albedo understands this process and knows the stages by their alchemical names (he refers to them in his Ascension voicelines)

One could interpret the lines as such: “Those at the Nigredo stage are bound by their imperfections, yet once they arrive at the Albedo stage, they are freed from their impurities. I guess you and I are alike, both “raw materials” whose future is not yet fully determined…”

#dusk analysis #albedo #albedo kreideprinz #dragonspine #genshin impact #albedo story quest #princeps cretaceus #genshin impact albedo #genshin albedo #fan translation #chinese translation #genshin translation #Genshin analysis

[modpoppy]

i never made pjo fanart heres some freeze frames from some tiktoks i made

#i had a running gag where jason had a different qr code instead of the tattoo every time #percy jackson #nico di angelo #jason grace #pjo #annabeth chase #piper mclean #f ; pjo #p ; mirages bringing naught but joy #d ; princeps cretaceus

[wolfhookk]

SUBTLE AFFECTIONS !

ft. college au!diluc albedo kazuha && thoma x gn!reader

abt. there is sincerity even in the most simple of affections

cw. established relationships, food/drink mention in one of thoma’s and diluc’s hcs, characters not in any order bc i’m lazy 

diluc is sure he’s getting sick after a stunt like this. he’s sopping wet and dripping all over your floor, and even though your favorite cake rests unscathed in his arms, you prefer to scold him for not taking an umbrella. maybe when he gets sick after this, you’ll take care of him with a loving smile, although you are quite cute when you’re angry!

badly hidden letters are kazuha’s specialty, but you never expected to find one addressed to you stuffed between the pages of a textbook. its barely legible and slightly crumpled but the words within make your heart soar with joy. he speaks of you like you’ve hung the stars in the sky, and while it does flatter you, you wish he would just kiss you speechless instead. 

top student—albedo kreideprinz—should be listening to his chem lecture, but chem comes second to drawing you in his notes. your features are angelic and he fights the blush creeping up his cheeks at just the thought of you. “mr.kreideprinz, eyes up here.” the teacher calls out. as much as he loves you, he leaves you in his daydreams for now. 

movies to pass the time were common between you and diluc, but he didn’t think the romcom he chose was all that boring. tonight, however, you rested gently against his shoulder with the movie droning on in the backdrop. while colors flashed over your features, all he could ever hope for is that your dreams we’re filled with him. 

thoma thinks that bad days and busy nights have a simple remedy that many seem to gloss over: fruit. he sets the bowl of freshly cut peaches over your notes and settles himself on your bed. he can see the bed-head you sport alongside dark circles and he’s worried but he doesn’t panic, instead asking you with a fond smile if you wanna talk about it.

the fact that albedo goes to a different college sucks, but the hushed phone calls in the middle of the night are comforting. he tells you about how his classes are boring, how he misses your cooked food, and most importantly, how his school is preparing for their annual festival. unspoken promises in the form of ‘see you soon’ keep you waiting for the day you’ll see albedo. 

the knock on your window is unexpected but welcome, kazuha sees it as an intrusion; on the contrary you find it quite endearing. he promises to make it quick, not wanting to bother you so late at night, especially when you have an exam early tomorrow. his unexpected visit is quick as promised, but what you really found unexpected was the quick kiss to your nose before kazuha is gone.

you never knew thoma looks at you with love-filled-eyes rivaled by no other. you could feel his eyes on you, taking peeks from his book to gaze at you. “you know you can just stare at me, right?” he’s clearly caught off guard from your longstanding realization, flushed face on display. you really do have him all figured out 

#diluc #albedo #kazuha #thoma #diluc x reader #albedo x reader #kazuha x reader #thoma x reader #genshin x reader #genshin fluff #noctua : diluc #princeps cretaceus : albedo #rubeum scutum : thoma #acer palmatum : kazuha

[shenheshipwindow]

could i request "look at you, strawberry blonde, fields rolling on, i love it call my name" — mitski 2.45 p.m with albedo? thank you <3 i chose this because i'm a strawberry blonde and i'm imagining this being sung about me because i suck

💌 nah cos he would totally sing that to you - certified albedo kinnie,, i know my stuff 🤓 btw people w strawberry blonde hair r so cool n u r proof <33 ALSO IM SORRY THIS IS SO LATE???? i hope u still read&like it 😭

📌 no warnings, i think?

[ 2.45 p.m. ]

you and albedo sat on a red and white checkered blanket atop a green field, extending as far as you could see. the grass is always greener on the other side, people claim, but you think the grass looks as green as it can get.

maybe that's just because you feel the best you've ever felt, on a picnic with your beloved. you don't think the grass can get any greener than that. you see the grass where you both lay has left a bed in the shape of a heart, and you see the grass stained with chocolate and strawberry juice.

light laughter fills the air, as you chat about anything under the sky. you slowly lean back against albedo, and he threads his fingers through your hair.

"look at you, strawberry blond," he murmurs, voice still tinged with amusement, "a very nice colour indeed. it suits you as well as your name. i hope you know just how perfect you are."

you find your face heating up from his compliment. he's not mean, but his compliments are few and far between, only reserved for the sweetest moments. for when you're both floating on cloud 9.

you laugh a little, sitting up from him to give his forehead a kiss, hand cupping his cheek. you don't know how you've been blessed with the sweetest smartest boyfriend around, but you're sure glad he likes picnics.

#lover ; 💌 #merry go round of life ; 🪅 #slow dance with you ; 🎐 #princeps cretaceus ; 🪐 #albedo x reader #albedo x y/n #albedo x you #genshin albedo #genshin impact #charlie ; 🔖

[purpleheroine]

Something I found in my gallery. Albedo's story quest

#genshin impact #Traveler Observation Report #albedo #The Princeps Cretaceus #lumine

[wwindblumee]

(//djjsd oh dear,,what if we introduced him to onikabuto as well- ) after he had pulled away, a light blush had blossomed on ly’s cheeks after seeing the small smirk on his face, before watching him re-cork the spider back into its vial. she nods in response. “even if it is edible, at least wait until we get back to the campsite to eat it- um, that reminds me, where are the others?” ~Lycoris

~ omg- he would probably be in bug heaven 💀💀 ~

-Albedo tilts his head.- "The others.. ah. Klee and Childe ran off with Venti to go blast more fish.. I'm sure his effects would have worn off by now.. meaning the Harbinger most likely is back to his regular form."

#;..✨/lycoris^🤍 #;..✨/kreideprinz albedo #;..✨/princeps cretaceus

[reginrokkr]

Tag dump #4:

◟༺✦༻◞ Caelestia Principia ┊Asmoday.┊ ◟༺✦༻◞ Viatrix ┊Lumine.┊ ◟༺✦༻◞ Viator ┊Aether.┊ ◟༺✦༻◞ Carmen Dei ┊Barbatos.┊ ◟༺✦༻◞ Lapis Dei ┊Morax.┊ ◟༺✦༻◞ Imperatrix Umbrosa ┊Baal.┊ ◟༺✦༻◞ Noctua ┊Diluc.┊ ◟༺✦༻◞ Pavo Ocellus ┊Kaeya.┊ ◟༺✦༻◞ Princeps Cretaceus ┊Albedo.┊ ◟༺✦༻◞ Alatus Nemeseos ┊Xiao.┊ ◟༺✦༻◞ Sinae Unicornis ┊Ganyu.┊ ◟༺✦༻◞ Monoceros Caeli ┊Tartaglia.┊ ◟༺✦༻◞ Cavillator ┊Pierro.┊ ◟༺✦༻◞ Desiderans Gloria ┊Halfdan.┊ ◟༺✦༻◞ Dare not underestimate that who sneezes stardust. ┊Crack.┊ ◟༺✦༻◞ Dimming celestial lights ┊Opener.┊

#◟༺✦༻◞ Caelestia Principia ┊Asmoday.┊ #◟༺✦༻◞ Viatrix ┊Lumine.┊ #◟༺✦༻◞ Viator ┊Aether.┊ #◟༺✦༻◞ Carmen Dei ┊Barbatos.┊ #◟༺✦༻◞ Lapis Dei ┊Morax.┊ #◟༺✦༻◞ Imperatrix Umbrosa ┊Baal.┊ #◟༺✦༻◞ Noctua ┊Diluc.┊ #◟༺✦༻◞ Pavo Ocellus ┊Kaeya.┊ #◟༺✦༻◞ Princeps Cretaceus ┊Albedo.┊ #◟༺✦༻◞ Alatus Nemeseos ┊Xiao.┊ #◟༺✦༻◞ Sinae Unicornis ┊Ganyu.┊ #◟༺✦༻◞ Monoceros Caeli ┊Tartaglia.┊ #◟༺✦༻◞ Cavillator ┊Pierro.┊ #◟༺✦༻◞ Dare not underestimate that who sneezes stardust. ┊Crack.┊ #◟༺✦༻◞ Aria of the Light ┊Nexus of souls.┊ #◟༺✦༻◞ Desiderans Gloria ┊Halfdan.┊ #◟༺✦༻◞ Dimming celestial lights ┊Opener.┊

[stella-fortunae]

tag dump 2!

#astrolabos ; mona #monoceros caeli ; tartaglia #fila igniun ; xinyan #lapis dei ; zhongli #princeps cretaceus ; albedo #sinae unicornis ; ganyu #alatus nemeseos ; xiao #papilio charontis ; hu tao #spinea corona ; rosaria #bestia iustitia ; yanfei #aphros delos ; eula #acer palmatun ; kazuha #grus nivis ; ayaka #nyctereutes minor ; sayu #carassius auratus ; yoimiya #nora fortis ; aloy #flabellum ; sara #imperatrix umbrosa ; raiden #dracaena somnolenta ; kokomi #rubeum scutum ; thoma #canis bellatoris ; gorou #taurus iracundus ; itto #opera grandis ; yun jin #crista doloris ; shenhe #divina vulpes ; miko #cypressus custos ; ayato #umbrabilis orchis ; yelan #tribulatio demptio ; shinobu #cervus minor ; heizou

[musepile]

He’s a 10, but he spends all his time alone on a mountain with subzero temperatures.

#princeps cretaceus (albedo) #idk i thought this was funny #as if another's will had moved me (ooc)

[yuyinesque]

KREIDEPRINZ | “𝗂𝗍 𝗐𝖺𝗌 𝗇𝖾𝗏𝖾𝗋 𝗆𝗒 𝗈𝖻𝗃𝖾𝖼𝗍𝗂𝗏𝖾 𝗍𝗈 𝗍𝖾𝗌𝗍 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝖾𝗇𝖽𝗎𝗋𝖺𝗇𝖼𝖾.”

⚘ précis. ≡ he was a little curious as to how the female anatomy reacts to arousal; you were the individual that incessantly muddled his mind with this idea. because of this, he managed to charm you into laying you down on his table and taking his fingers in order to conclude a few factors.

⚘ disclaimers. ≡ afab!reader; sub!reader x top!albedo, finger-fucking/excessive clit play, overstimulation, implied pussy worshipping, pussy studying, edging, squirting, gentle praise, albedo’s simply playing dumb with you.

⚘ category. ≡ nsft smut drabble/headcanons.

⚘ wc. ≡ 1.5k.

𖦥 m.list. oc.list.

𖤥 The holder of Princeps Cretaceus, mm mm mm… anywayyy — This little chalk-based AI is a little too curious for his own good. I believe that you had to been not only aesthetically interesting to the eye, but have a mind of wisdom in order to have such an obsessive interest towards you. With this mind, it’s only a matter of time before he uses you as both a subject and a partner for his experiments, with your consent, of course, for you have an adoration towards him as well. (Un)fortunately, this only set you up for failure, for he was beginning to wonder how you would look in various positions.

𖤥 Now, I may not know much about Albedo, but I’m sure that an enabler would provoke these said thoughts. This said ���enabler” is no other than you, the individual who is incapable of holding back their feelings for someone who could read you like a book, ESPECIALLY because he’s been studying you since you carry such a mysterious intensity within you.

𖤥 Hell, he may be an AI, but because of this he’s beyond stupid. It’s clear at times that you’ve been experiencing arousal, but he was unsure as to if you were experiencing it because of him specifically. Besides, he didn’t want to outwardly just ask without any context. Not only that’s an intimate question, but he didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable, let alone scare you off, now suffering from rejection. Still, the idea couldn’t be left undiscovered, I fear… Really, this whole thing is not about him studying it because he was clueless, he not only wanted a confirmation, but ponder about how YOU would behave if aroused … like like like like like listen-

𖤥 “I must take into account factors such as your temperature, texture, and contractions per minute after each orgasm,” He would divulge as his pallid fingers plunged deeper into your clenching hole, one that was greedily memorizing the taste of his skin to the point where it was her favorite dessert. His statements were definitely rhetorical and you knew it, seeing as you were incapable of formulating comprehensible words with the way he was finger-fucking you without any reasonable restraint bounding his actions. He was destined to complete his experiment, and he was sure that you were on your thirteenth- fourteenth clench. “As long as I have your approval, I do not believe that I’m overstepping any boundaries. You do agree, right Y/n?”

𖤥 NAAA LEMME COOK? HEAR ME OUT!!!

🧷 𝓗ad you haven’t been in a predicament where you could formulate appropriate thoughts, let alone speech that didn’t involve loud, lecherous blubbers, you would’ve retorted with an impish smile with corresponding titter, seeing as he was simply being careful despite his monotonous tone. It’s merely impossible to strangle out a few words since you were practically hyperventilating from overstimulation; there was quite literally never been a time where you’ve felt this overwhelmed during an experiment. Albedo is very considerate of your safety.

He claims that this would be safe as well: Sketching down a memorable image of your pretty pussy rapaciously contracting for his fingers, though instead he decided to use his fingers to polish your clit with vast zeal, earning a pearlescent drool of cum to cascade from your hole. He noted that he should add a glimmering adaptation to accentuate how the rushing river of cum titillate under the pale LED light, also the image of your fingertips delving into your plush thighs as you attempted to keep them up for as long as possible. Albedo however sighed in misfortune at this observation, especially at the way your thighs palpitated endlessly; there was only a matter of time until your body were to finally give into exhaustion. You were only human, after all. Therefore, he made sure to assert underneath his sketch of you that the three components were completed.

One: Temperature. How hot could it get? Normally the temperature inside the vaginal canal equates to a high fever when not aroused, but how hot does yours get during both stages? Unfortunately, Albedo was unable to determine the temperature during its natural stage, for you were already unbearably drenched before he could even give your pussy the time of day, tainting the steel table with the voracious drooling since she terribly craved him inside of her. He also concluded that utilizing a thermometer during the session would possibly bring down your mood (or heighten it, considering that he also noticed that you’re very fond of edging as much as overstimulation). He wondered if he should ask to take its temperature after he cleans everything up, but it wouldn’t correlate with his initial hypothesis.

Two: Texture. Generally speaking, the inside has an identical texture to the inside of your cheeks but… he still wanted to finalize that it stays that said texture before, during, and after sexual activity. Albedo certainly has definitely used his tongue to poke at the inside of his cheek while curling his fingers deep inside of you, carefully massaging your spot as your squeals sang saccharine tunes, whispering poetic praises that caused your noises to induce and circulate throughout the vast vicinity. As anticipated, the resemblance is there, but your walls were softer, but that could be because of how inundated you are. It was another uncompleted draft that he had to address on another occasion; it was beginning to miff him, though at least you were willing to trust him in one of your most vulnerable states.

Three: Contractions. Would it be too selfish for him to wonder how many times you’ll clench before each orgasm? Surely it was quite the push, but he couldn’t help but wonder if that’ll be the last time the two of you would perform something so intimate, therefore it’s best to have most if not all of his questions answered before departure. Not only has he determined how many times you’ve clenched before each orgasm, also determining that the number accumulates the more you cum, he’s estimated that you’ve contracted much more without his fingers rather than with them. Was it due to your acts of desperation? Yes, of course, that he figured as much, and he found the ideal flattering and promising, or even exciting. He could proudly deem that you were one of his favorite experiments yet, and truly desired more of you in different positions in later references.

And Ideally, Four: En–

“‘Bedo, Beh- ff-uh.. fuckfuckfuckfuck- please!” His train of calculations and concentration was vengefully disrupted by the guinea pig in question: you. The one who sobbed out hardly comprehensible beseeches in hopes Albedo has finally calculated enough data to grant you the opportunity to fucking breathe without hiccuping and choking on saliva. The one whose cum spluttered erotically out of their pussy, their juices acting as a varnish on your tumescent lips in order to preserve such finest chef-d'œuvre, and giving the steel table a shrine that’s never been achieved before. The one whose left leg was occasionally being pried away from their right by the alchemist’s gloved hand, seeing as he couldn’t help but feel selfishly miffed at the fact that they’re incapable of keeping them open for the sake of the hypothesis. However, it’s safe for the two of you that this experiment will require addressment… over a few shots, of course.

“What perfection…” Albedo’s cerulean blooming eyes eased with awe as he watched your writhing body twitch and writhe with each time he thrust his fingers inside you, but even when he decided to slow down a little, you were still too sensitive to inure the overbearing pleasure, therefore he decided to stop altogether by finally retracting his pallid fingers that were submerged with a thick ivory. For a moment he had the intrusive urge to give you a taste, but he already broke one of his promises, which was to go easy on you. “The moons surely favor you, don’t they?”

Your mind was too muddled to even comprehend the fact that he was praising you at the moment; you were still trying to find a way to close your legs without any more exertion, let alone rid the seething pain between them. Surely you weren’t complaining, but you were just as shocked as him. Rarely does he lose himself, especially during something of importance. “Perhaps I was being too edacious… it was never my objective to test your endurance … This was my mistake.”

With a sigh that could only disclose disappointment, he stood up from his chair after using a cloth to wipe his fingers clean. Then, while his expression still mordantly stoic, he gently lifted one of your legs to place them on his shoulder, cautiously wiping you down, squeezing your knee reassuringly when you jolted and whined when he began dapping your numbing clit with the cloth.

“We should conduct this on a later date, I'd say… next week. Certainly after your convalescence.. That way the both of us may conclude how well your body responds to penetration.”

yuyinesque | translate with permission & peruse without theft.

#𖧷 𝐢𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐫’𝐬 𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐨𝐰𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬 #divider crds : benkeibear #divider crds : gigittamic #albedo genshin impact #genshin impact #genshin impact albedo #albedo x reader #albedo x you #albedo x y/n #albedo genshin x reader #genshim impact #genshin imagines #genshin impact smut #genshin albedo #genshin x reader #genshin smut #genshin x you #albedo genshin fanart #genshin fanart #albedo #albedo kreideprinz #genshin x y/n #genshin x female reader #genshin x f!reader #fem reader #genshin mondstadt #genshin impact x reader #genshin impact x you #kreideprinz #the chalk man

[sl-vega]

Hi Vee, I would like to request a sick! gn reader with some of the genshin characters (Yae Miko, Wanderer, Albedo, and Kazuha) where reader can’t really talk all to well cause of said sickness. What sort of shenanigans would ensue as our dear reader tries to communicate. It’d also be really cool if the reader knew a bit of sign language and tried to communicate that way (your choice on whether the characters know it or don’t). Have a lovely morning/day/evening!

NOW I'M (LOVE)SICK

pairings: Yae Miko, Albedo, Wanderer, Kazuha x [GN!] Reader

genre: fluff, established relationship, headcanons/drabbles, canon compliant, sick! reader, reader knows sign language

synopsis: in which your s/o tries their best to make you feel better since you've fallen ill

CW: mild language, potentially ooc, vee doesn't know how to do headcanons so you have been warned

additional notes: lol perfect timing for this request cuz I'm actually sick rn // header credits: yae header by @/k1aya on pinterest, albedo header by @/kuno on pinterest, wanderer header by @/ggoldiz on pinterest, Kazuha header by @/detailuffy on pinterest

YAE MIKO-Divina Vulpes

miss girl would be babying you 100%

kinda acts more like your mom than your s/o in this case tbh

"I told you not to go adventuring in the rain!" but then she goes back to saying shit like "aww you poor thing~, let me get some soup for you"

yae would also tease you too, cuz yk, she's yae miko

since she's not human, I don't think she can get sick, well not any human diseases at least

she tries her best to be there for you though, probably reads a bunch of light novels from her publishing house to help you fall asleep

if you try to communicate via sign language to her, she probably just hushes you and grabs your hands so you stop frantically making hand signs

cuz she wants you to get your rest

I think she does know a little sign language, but she never really committed to learning it, she'd gladly start for you though

ALSO

i think she'd turn into her fox form and let you cuddle with her like she's a stuffed animal

totally not projecting rn

ALBEDO-Princeps Cretaceus

he'd def send sucrose over to check on you if he's busy, but once he's done with his work, he is SPRINTING over to check on you

✨he's a runner he's a track star✨

maybe it's just me but I feel like Albedo would be the type of boyfriend that worries over you a lot

when he does come over, he probably has lots of concoctions that are supposed to clear your throat, but they're probably made of...

less than delicious materials

and you aren't becoming your boyfriend's personal test subject no thank you, not today

since he has a little sister, he knows how to take care of you

probably has experience cuz klee would get super sick after running around in the rain for too long-

makes you chicken soup, and tea, the usual

if you try to communicate with him via sign language due to losing your voice, he'll probably have the same reaction as yae

just forces you to go back to sleep

he def knows sign language (mr. genius🙄) but he wants you to get better as soon as possible

klee also comes over at some point, probably tells you some crazy story about how she tried to blow up dawn winery with diona or smth-

her and Albedo also make some get well cards for you once you fall asleep as well <3

WANDERER-Peregrinus

this mf

if you've heard his voice lines you already know what this bastard would say to you

he'd call you weak and say shit like "a small illness has already rendered you helpless? how pathetic..."

THE FACT I CAN PERFECTLY HEAR HIM SAY THAT-

he's a puppet so he's never been sick cuz he can't get sick either

nahida would probably slap him and scold him and tell him to be nicer though

on the inside he's super concerned about you

lowkey, he's afraid of losing you

not that he'd ever admit it-

(tsundere scara for the win)

he's worried that you're going to end up like the child he used to live with, and that you'll become "powerless before your mortality" as he'd like to say

same as yae + albedo, if you'd try to communicate with him via sign language he'll tell you to sleep

(in a slightly aggressive way but he's scara what do you expect?)

i don't think he knows sign language at all tbh

he'll ask nahida about it and he'll probably start borrowing books from the akidemiya and practices in secret for you

he WILL ruin his sleep schedule for you but he'll probably just brush it off and be like: "meh, it was easy."

when in reality this mf has spent an AGONIZING amount of time just to try and impress you

he'll make you tea too, the bitter kind

the VERY bitter kind

oml this sounds like scara slander 😭 dw I actually really like him

KAEDEHARA KAZUHA-Acer Palmatum

like albedo, he'd be super worried about you

tells beidou that he needs to make sure you're okay before the crux leaves for it's next destination

brings you tea, soup, and writes cute little love poems for you while you rest in his lap

tells you stories about his travels while holding your hand and sappy stuff like that

kazuha is a top tier boyfriend fr fr

unlike the others, if you tried to communicate with him via sign language, he let you teach him certain phrases

i think he knows a little bit due to his travels so he's picked up on a bit of it

he thinks it's really cute of how you try to explain things to him since you can't speak so you probably alternate between the hand signs themselves and pen and paper

VERY attentive to you

"slow down love, we have all the time in the world."

#vee's requests! #requester: phawn #yae miko x reader #yae miko x you #yae miko x y/n #yae miko #Albedo x reader #Albedo x you #Albedo x y/n #albedo #Scaramouche x reader #Scaramouche x you #Scaramouche x y/n #scaramouche #wanderer x reader #wanderer x you #wanderer x y/n #wanderer #Kazuha x reader #Kazuha x you #Kazuha x y/n #kazuha #kaedehara kazuha x reader #kaedahara Kazuha #genshin impact #genshin x reader #genshin x you #genshin x y/n

[dkniade]

I’m thinking back to Albedo’s story quest and it felt so intimate for some reason …

#dusk rambles #albedo #princeps cretaceus #albedo kreideprinz

[modpoppy]

i dont remember anything about these two

#twilight sparkle #sci twi #sunset shimmer #mlp eqg #equestria girls #F ; MLP #p ; mirages bringing naught but joy #d ; princeps cretaceus

[house-of-daena]

most sensitive parts 1 [albedo, ayato, dottore x gn.reader]

contents: dom reader/sub characters, suggestive at best, s&m, choking, breath play, biting, tell me if i miss anything.

꒰ just random thoughts. i was gonna add more characters but im too lazy and i already have 6 other drafts of ideas. ꒱

୨ albedo ♡ princeps cretaceus ୧

his collarbones - you never would've ever guessed this until you've completely undressed him and brushed your delicate fingers over them. the way he sucked in his breath through his teeth and squeeze his eyes shut the moment your touch ghosted over them had you dumbfounded. and when you trail your finger all over his collarbones up the mark on his neck, below his adam's apple? you'd feel it bob and tremble, shaky sighs coming from his pretty, pink lips and the grip he has on you tightens.

your dearest albedo, always so adorable! seeing him crumble with a mere touch, fingers dancing on his collarbones whenever he's bare before you. he'd let out this cute gasp when your lips finally make contact with his silky smooth skin, the warmth coming from your lips making his thoughts hazy and foggy, peppering wet kisses all over his collarbones, making him throw his head back and dig his head deep onto his pillow. the need to nibble on his collarbones, suckling and biting until they're purple and sore, leaving marks trailing up to the star on his neck sends shivers down his spine. whenever he looks into the mirror and his eyes stare at the bite marks you've left on his pale, unblemished skin, he's already reminded how only you could turn him into such a different person in bed.

with a simple touch, with a simple kiss, he's melting helplessly from your loving ministrations with the intent to turn his mind into nothing but a mush of fervent need and arousal. to tease him, you'd always pretend to fix the collar of his shirt. only to feel the tips of your fingers pressing onto his collarbones through his shirt, raking your nails through the fabric, then feign innocence with a smile whenever he was too flustered to handle your teasing anymore. oh how you always thank the archons for allowing you to discover such a weakness on your lovely albedo. it makes it easier for you to ruin the well-known alchemist of mondstadt, and reduce him to nothing but a needy whore.

୨ ayato kamisato ♡ cypressus custos ୧

his neck - it started with a simple kiss. his back against the wall, bodies flush against each other, hips moving in sync as you grind so sensually, chasing the pleasure each movement gives. ayato's arms snaked around your neck, pulling you impossibly closer to him as you press yourself harder onto his aching cock, swallowing his moans by shoving your tongue down his throat. it was almost too much, drool seeping out of the corners of his lips as you continued to drink up all of your wonderful lover's noises, not giving him a moment's breath, completely ravishing his mouth until it was all puffy and red.

then, all clarity was thrown out the window the moment your hands trailed up his chest and onto his neck, the warmth of your hands radiating off his skin as you caressed his neck. your intention was to cup his cheeks, taking it slow and teasing your lover, but the whimper that slips from his lips, only to be muffled by the passionate kiss made you pause, noticing his reactions right away. his hips stutter the more of your fingers linger on his neck, fingers giving each mole that littered his skin a taste of your touch, even going as far as wrapping your hands around his neck. the way he gasps, both from the way you're squeezing the air out of his throat, and the dizzying bliss it brings, a wet patch forming on his pants.

the easiest way to rile ayato up was to attack his neck. even if you press a kiss on his nape, or your fingers find their way onto his neck to simply caress him, the tips of his ears start to burn and he'd melt. and kissing his neck? suckling on his supple skin, leaving wet kisses starting from his jawline, all the way down to his shoulders; it would drive him crazy! especially when he sees those lovely purple marks the next day, staring at them with a satisfied look as he bites his bottom lip, reminiscing about your previous night together.

oh, he sounds so heavenly when you start abusing his neck. tears well in his eyes as choked sobs try to make themselves known, only to be drowned out by silent moans as you tighten your grip around his neck. you watch him pathetically buck his hips into nothing, desperate for any stimulation on his cock, for you to give in and let him cum. but you just smile at him, a beautiful, dark smile whose image burned inside his mind as you massage the sides of his neck, before squeezing them once more, sure to leave bruises the next day.

୨ il dottore ୧

his lips - there's just something with the way you kiss him. dottore could never predict how you'd kiss him once you grab him by the back of his neck and let your lips connect.

sometimes, it was passionate and intense; languidly moving against his, with such gentleness, love, and devotion that even without his favored roughness, he finds his knees weak, face burning as he fervently kisses back just as intense. he could feel your love, your adoration, your carnal desire for him and him only.

other times, it was almost suffocating. your tongue forcing itself inside his mouth, so pliant and needy beneath you as you devour him like a starved man. you took away his breath, whining and restlessly roaming his hands all over your body before you grab his wrists and pin them above his head. he needs air! to breathe before he passes out. the corners of his eyes were darkening, and tears caught in his lashes. but archons, he loves it so much. he'd grind his drooling cock against the knee that's been pressing on the wet patch on his crotch. it was exhilarating, electrifying pleasure just from kissing sends shocks throughout his trembling body as he tries his damnest to not cum untouched.

and when you do pull away, ripping a needy whine from dottore's puffy lips, you'd tear the skin on the fragile skin with your sharp canines, blood dripping down his chin as you lapped on the iron taste of his blood, but you lick it off your lips as if it was sweet ichor. oh, he just loves to see your mouth messy, either from his seed that only you could have a taste, or the beautiful scarlets of his blood painting your gorgeous face. it makes his lips tingle and ache for more.

#» asmo's writings #albedo x reader #albedo smut #ayato x reader #ayato smut #dottore x reader #dottore smut #genshin impact x reader #genshin x reader #sub genshin #» albedo #» ayato #» dottore

[tartagliaxx]

。BUT EVEN JUPITER HAS BOUTS OF MERCY

━━ INCLUDES: albedo, diluc, tartaglia, xiao

━━ SUMMARY: for the first time in years, jupiter budged from his flux — his storms softening into one that might welcome room for optimistic outlooks for the future; or his point of view in the events that transpired, plus what happened after you confronted him, learning that all this time, the relationship you valued was a mere ploy in order to escape his admirers

━━ CONTAINS: fake dating!au, modern!au, highschool!au (albedo), college!au (xiao), language (childe and xiao), dubious mental states, questionable scientific and philosophical themes + others, alcohol mention (non-consumption), open-ended?

━━ PREREQUISITE: jupiter was cruel

。 ALBEDO — “ princeps cretaceus | chalk prince ”

before you, albedo never really cared much about social interaction nor did he see any point in interacting with his classmates when they were unlikely to give any useful feedback about his research. it wasn't as if he thought of himself as someone above other people because there was a time when he stood by the swings of a playground, watching and wishing he was one of the people who ran away from the seeker in a game of hide-and-seek. it's not exactly a big deal as every child goes through a rather playful phase while growing up but the five-year-old albedo struggled to fit inside the world he looked upon with wonder.

he was older now and that desire to belong has evaporated as he found through trial-and-error that he was perfectly fine as he is. faint traces of contentment flickered inside his bright, curious eyes as one by one, likeminded individuals drew close to him like birds of the same species and genus flocking together. social interaction was far from his strongest suit, especially when it's not with sucrose or his senior, timaeus, but it was a task he did nevertheless for the sake of his academic pursuit. at the very least, he had the company of the wonderful strangeness of science and for that alone, he was able to pour dozens of sleepless nights reading through piles of full-text articles that always left the right amount of his curiosity sated and the right amount of questions that would leave him wanting more. the most recent conclusion he had was about himself. he was happy being the quiet honor student that nobody quite knew. he was content that he already has plans for the future, no matter how loose: a degree in biological sciences and if he was lucky, then maybe he'd chance upon a world-changing discovery. if not, well, it wasn't as if that was a priority for albedo believed himself to be relatively simple and old-fashioned — just a kid who wanted to learn so much more.

when he was eight-years-old, a child the same age as he approached him by the swings — his spot. they told him that he looked like he was feeling down and he wondered how they came to that conclusion when he had always worn a creepily emotionless face (as referred to by a bully in his class). they simply shrugged saying that some things didn't need an explanation because you just know and it was then that he realized that there was so much to learn from that person.

that was the last interaction he had with them and he wished it wasn't. he still remembered the way the tiny snickers bar fit in his tiny hands — a little something they gave to cheer him up. he never got to say thanks. he’ll be sure to do so, if he ever got the chance to meet them again but even albedo doubts that strange forces would make their paths cross again after ten years.

on his senior year, he was seated beside a face quite familiar and it took him two days of pondering to figure out that the stranger from his childhood now sits beside him in class. it was a curious turn of events and he was suddenly the same eight-year-old boy who struggled to strike up a conversation.

he knew you to be a quiet kid who no one dislikes. you’re always ready to lend your notes that were sometimes hurriedly scrawled with a regular ballpoint pen and sometimes decorated with pops of color from your assortment of highlighters. you sat with your friends at lunch, keeping to yourself like you all shared a bubble separate from the rest of the world. he never managed to catch your name, just that you and he interacted before and he remains to look back on it fondly.

he was observant so it was easy to see that your attention was easily stolen by a familiar shape on the clouds or something similar. you also procrastinated on science projects a lot and you would pull all-nighters the day before the deadline. you don’t think twice before lending him a pen when his ran out of ink while doing his experiment notes and you’re pretty observant yourself, giving him another snickers bar when he got caught up in astronomical research.

the next day, he was wondering what to say to you after staying up all night chastising himself for not saying thank you before you left. in no time, the bell rang and you were packing your things. it was… quite embarrassing to look back on and he said the first thing that came into his mind when he saw that you were stepping away from your desk.

“blood moons could be refreshing to look at,” he says before realizing just how awkward it was to randomly spout science trivia and averting his gaze to fake writing something on his notebook. he could feel your confused stare on his form for a brief second before you ultimately left, leaving him to regret his god awful social skills.

ah… he forgot to say thanks again… 

the next day, he spots the dark circles under your eyes and he wondered if you managed to complete the paper for your biology class on time. actions speak louder than words, he thinks as he slid a snickers bar to your table just as you had done before for him. he expected a little mumbled thanks or even a polite rejection but perhaps, he kept his head low too much for him to recognize the array of surprises his seat mate offered.

"in a lunar eclipse, the earth's atmosphere scatters most of the blue light which causes the remaining light to reflect on the moon with a red glow."

he found himself amused and a strange weightless feeling makes his heart spur. he doesn’t know what to reply but he realized that he just so happened to have his book about observed celestial events with him that day so that was what he slid over to you before you part ways.

interactions with you were limited to small things like that for a long while but he knew better. his seat mate, whose name he now knows after you introduced yourself thinking he never noticed you before, was more observant than he assumed. you weren’t the most sociable person to ever exist but you handle conversations well enough. it might be just him and the strange haze that overcomes him every time you talked but he can’t help but believe that you enjoyed and appreciated your interactions with him just as much.

he lacked the social skills that could deem him charming so it came to a surprise when a stranger approached him once more while he was walking home from a convenience store run. this time without the kind undertones of your gaze or the subtle mischievous lilt of your voice. it wasn't you and for a brief moment, he realized that it was only you who made social interactions a little less tedious than they actually were.

the stranger had sickly pale skin and an equally sick smile that had his mind flashing red in even intervals. the human instinct for danger caused the hairs on his skin to rise up in alarm, every single nerve aching to run and never look back. this... person spoke of an admiration that made his stomach churn — of a romance that he could not find any pleasure in. it wasn't everyday that his composure was broken but as he murmured an apology, albedo realized that his agitation was displayed white as day on his face.

everything that happened after was a blur and all he could vaguely remember was saying that he had already promised himself to someone else and that was not exactly a lie. so many days had passed since then and just as many were the days where he impulsively asked you out as he saw a strange shadow lurking behind the corner. pretending that things were perfectly fine so as to evade your worry was an easy task but he didn't know that the cost was hurting you even more.

the moon was neither cruel or merciful but it was beautiful and mysterious. it was something he would compare to the look on your face as he haphazardly confessed his feelings for you if only the uncertainty of the situation didn't terrify even the stone-faced scientist of year three's class b. the truth — his honest mistake and his uncharacteristic fear — gnawed on his throat like a secret waiting to be spilled but albedo, who has learned to hold your strangeness close to his heart, feared the expanding distance between you two. but now that the truth was spilled with neither of you willing to clean it up, the pale glow of the satellite above illuminated his way as he stepped into a neighborhood now familiar to him.

"...what are you doing here?"

though the moon may not be cruel, perhaps he was for allowing his dark sea of selfishness to dictate where his feet may lead.

"i have something to admit."

"leave, albedo." you whisper as you avoid his gaze, eyes red from what was left of your tears, "it's late. it's not safe for you to be outside."

"i'm— i'm not here to apologize. i don't think your forgiveness is something that i should have but i have to let you know the whole truth, at least."

you mimicked his words, "the truth? there's more to this than just you playing around?"

he didn't respond, only sighing as he tears his eyes away from your feeble form. the small silence was deafening but even more unnerving was the solemn smile that graces over your soft lips after giving him a once over. without once meeting your eyes, he told you everything — from the stranger to his brewing feelings to his conversation with timaeus.

"i knew," you sighed as you motioned for him to enter into your dimly lit home, "i told you i knew."

"everything?"

a humorless chuckle slips out of you as you fiddled with the hem of your pajamas. with little to no effort, you repeat the words you uttered just a few hours prior "you don't need to be a science genius to be observant. i guess it also helps that you're a horrible liar."

albedo doesn't reply for a while, gaze downturned before he accepts the small cup of water you were offering, "are you mad at me?"

"yes," you answered without missing a beat.

the spark from when your fingers grazed over his when you handed the cup turned into a fire that suffocated him from within. though he didn't see his reflection, he was certain that his eyes dilate at the slow-burning fear for what your approaching form could say next, "it was unfair of you to keep me in the dark when you could've easily told me. you knew i would help and don't give me the "i didn't want to pull you into my trouble" because that's not something you get to decide for me."

silence ensued for the longest time, well, at least for him. to you, only a minute and a half had passed as you phrased your following words in your head. time was not askew and it did none of the fancy slow-mo shots they do in overly tragic telenovelas. it was just silence — an unbearable kind that still had him waiting with bated breath.

"you know... you really suck at expressing your feelings," you snort humorlessly as you sat beside him a mere few inches away from touching him, "no one translates "we can't keep doing this forever" to "i can't keep giving you less than what you deserve." not like it matters because it's not your place to decide for me in any way. only i can do that for myself and i don't know where you or timaeus learned that it's okay to do that but it sucks for you guys because it doesn't matter what you think. if i'm happy and content in receiving all that your sincerity can offer then that's that. you don't get to argue or leave me hanging just because you think i deserve chocolates or flowers every other day."

this time, you don't miss the way albedo nibbled at his lips with a profound sense of loss. this conversation was something beyond what he could ever hope to expect. he was a so-called genius and his hypothesis included your screams of anger but seeing you so understanding made his heart constrict in a way that knocked him off his rational thoughts. 

"i'm sorry."

"what happened to "i'm not here to apologize?" came your snarky reply but not even a few moments later, you were uttering your own apology for your sharp tone, "i'm not... forgiving you. i don't think there's any way you can justify your actions but... i know you. you're socially awkward and you miss the innuendos that usually came with your innocent words. you're... i don't know... you're too honest and i knew that you cared loads for me as a friend and i return the sentiment. it doesn't matter if you could only see me as a friend for the rest of your life but... i don't want to lose you. i can't forgive you right now but i'm selfishly asking you to make it up to me... someway... somehow."

social interactions were not his cup of tea because it reminded him too much of everything that could go wrong with just one misplaced sentence. still, albedo finds himself with renewed determination to try, only following the correct steps this time around.

"you were wrong about one thing," he mumbles as he averts his gaze from yours one last time, "i do like you more than you believe i do. i like you enough to admit that you deserve more than the socially inept seat mate you have."

you snort, "if you're trying to win me back, please don't tell me that's your best shot."

"not precisely... i still have flowers and chocolates to give you every other day," albedo shakes his head with the beginnings of a mildly amused smile. 

it was eleven in the evening when you see albedo out of your house and you couldn't help but note how happy you are that you didn't sleep early and miss a night so beautiful with a perfect full moon.

。 DILUC — “ noctua | owl ”

how do you know if you love someone? is it when they make you remember yourself despite living in a world that makes you forget your unique identity? is it when you find someone's body to be just the right kind of warmth to wake up to? love was a strange thing and diluc often finds himself remembering that it was a terrifying thing too. love makes you do all sorts of extremes and the fear that your other half loves you less than you love them was enough to make him hesitate. 

how else would he piece himself back together when he is hurting if he was to avoid plotting a distance?

as a child, he never liked playing house. it all seemed too romanticized. sure, the domesticity was real but growing up with an adopted brother and a single father who he saw very rarely because of work made him realize a lot of things. kaeya would fight him over the littlest things and he would end up fighting back even when he swore he'll be the bigger person. it's not something out of hate as it was more out of mischief but it doesn't change the fact that those perfect, calm households all appeared to be a hoax when he looks at kaeya and the chaos he brews around himself.

still, diluc ragnvindr was a human who craved intimacy and a place to come home to. as cheesy as it sounds, it would be nice to find someone who'll find belongingness in his embrace like two puzzles clicking together. it must be fun to let loose and be mundane, dancing in the kitchen with blinking light bulbs waiting to be changed. he wondered how long it'll take for that person to enter the doors of his newly bought apartment — or rather, if he'll have the courage to let them in. as romantic as proclaiming "i'm home" is, he knew that an other half can turn into a stranger in minutes, leaving behind only the ruins of what that home was. it doesn't matter how long they stayed together because, in one second, he would've had only memories of what love was to cry over.

he's afraid of commitment. he was scared of losing. so what? he was fresh out of college and anything goes. he bumped into someone whose eyes screamed "welcome home" and the murky skies of his mind told him that it was best to just visit and go back on his merry way. diluc wasn't a romantic and so he definitely didn't believe in love at first sight. he was lonely, yes, but he wasn't quite insane enough to entrust a stranger he bumped into with all of his heart and wonder. instead, he handed you his handkerchief to wipe away the remnants of the coffee on your shirt, and gave you his number for renumeration. it was common courtesy and with that, he leaves.

it was by chance when he heard sobs inside the office pantry one year later, and ever the gentleman, he sat beside you silently in a wordless act of comfort. he's just being a decent human being, he argues as the wind howled in his head. he was certainly not patting your back despite his bones creaking from uncertainty and awkwardness because he felt drawn to you, and the hopeless thunder in his heart? it's likely only concern for his colleague. though time ticks away quickly and diluc never had a penchant for delaying his duties, he stays and hides the turmoil in his eyes behind voids akin to those in space. that way his beloved distance remains to keep him secure.

"thank you," you croak out with a pitiful smile, "sorry for ruining your handkerchief again..."

he swallows, tells you its fine before dismissing himself once more. he may be no astronomer but big bangs disturbed the heart he was trying to still. merely being objective, he convinces himself as he stared at his confused reflection. admitting that the constellations in your eyes — burning, passionate, explosive booms, and supernovas — were beautiful was merely being honest and factual, nothing more, nothing less.

diluc breathes, only to muffle a curse as kaeya cackled behind his back, "what's this i'm seeing? my dear brother has a crush on the intern?"

the world stills as if caught red-handed but diluc refused to plead guilty. instead, he shoots a glare and a muffled "you don't know what you're saying" before witlessly fixing the files on his desk. ever the troublemaker, kaeya begins chattering about you and diluc paid very little attention, too absorbed in tapping his fingers against the wooden frame in thought. 

he learned your name and objectively speaking, it suited your face a lot.

in retrospect, it was then that all went downhill as a particularly insistent business partner offered an heir's hand for his perusal. if only it ended there, but he had managed to catch the same heir's eye and they all but thrown themselves over his lap just to catch his attention. though thoroughly amused, kaeya took pity on diluc and told that person that he was, in fact, in a happy relationship with someone. to make matters worse, kaeya had offered your name, thus convincing diluc to talk to you before the heir sees through their blatant lie.

asking for your time was easy enough but as you peered into his soul with an innocent smile, his face contorted to one of nervousness and helplessness. how could he bring up that kaeya had dragged you into his mess and that he was hoping that you could help him in this horrible ruse? but even more troubling was the sweat in his palms, the fear of rejection in his heart — every minuscule detail that made this situation cherry-sweet and real. he knew it was wrong to fool you into thinking that it was all a lie but was it really wrong to crave intimacy minus the inevitability of being hurt? it was a madness he started and when you pulled him into an embrace as you accepted his feelings, diluc felt his guilt being washed away by light showers. how much was his statement a lie if it has always been the untold truth?

another year passed and the light showers that cleared his head has turned into a storm that flooded his mind with anxiety. everything felt vivid now. the way your hands cup his cheeks, the way you smile at him when he comes home from work, the way you ask him about his day — everything was real and the fear that came with the increasingly affectionate touches he gives you became less fictitious. 

he loves you. what has he done? how does he even begin to explain the truth that was hidden behind the curtain this past year? will you leave him because of it? he admits that it would be smart to do so.

"what time will you be coming home?"

“i’ll be ho—” he pauses, shaking his head with a deep frown before he turns his back on you, “i’ll be back by eight. you don’t need to wait for me.”

“it’s fine… i’ll wait for you no matter how long it takes. stay safe. i love you.”

he reluctantly nods and he feels you watch as his back vanishes from your line of sight. when he heard the door click close, diluc runs a hand down his face in frustration. a curse falls down his lips and he defeatedly looks up at the greying skies. you had reminded him of the weather forecast and if you weren't there, he'd probably be arriving at the office drenched. guilt boils down in his stomach and cools as remembers your sweet greetings. you were always too good to him — for him. though fear screams at him from the edges of his mind, he loves you and he feels that he owes you his honesty.

no matter the cost.

perhaps he was sick — crazy evil for still having the hope that maybe, just maybe, after all this time, you would still give him your favor and offer him a sweet and tender smile that eases all of his aches. would you cry? would you leave? his wounded heart trembles. if he thought you leaving him was bad enough, clearly he was unready for the sight of your tears; tears that he bought as it was ultimately he who drove the sword in, not kaeya who had merely suggested the idea in jest.

with an unreadable expression, diluc sank deeper into the luxurious seat of his car — the same one he bought because he was told it was charming to drive (the hidden intent of trying to boost his charm in your eyes must not go unrealized). he laughs emptily at that, starting the engine methodically as guilt once again eats him up like a bloodthirsty viper. if he could only have one wish, he’d hope that he could turn back time to the days that a mere mention of your name would send him into a fit of gut-wrenching remorse.

lies were dirty. lies were horrible. lies never amounted to anything good. and even after knowing all of that, you stay and diluc wonders why. had he been in your shoes, he would probably packed his bags and left a long while ago. no amount of water could wash away the grime that is the weight of a play-pretend that only had one willing actor. did it not hurt more than it’s worth? he slows to a stop as the light went from yellow to red and he takes this time to reminisce about his absence this past year. with that he decides that he truly was not worthy of any of your love.

not like it mattered, not ever. you were too kind and too generous; a true angel who spares no one their warm embrace.

with slow and heavy steps, diluc trudges towards the winding halls of his building. with the interest of an eroding rock, he attended his meetings. with the loud ticking of a clock, diluc signed paper after paper with a distracted glaze over his eyes. he was sure that his odd behavior earned him a few wary glances but that was a mere afterthought to his increasing dread. the only thing that could help him now was a boring routine — a routine that takes his mind away from the drive home and his confession. but even that can only take him so far as before long, he was once again facing the entrance to your house — home, really, if he was going to take his honesty with him.

his keys turned with a small ‘click’ and the door opens. warm, yellow light peeks out from the kitchen and he finds himself in a space he ironically feels comforted in. here, there is no anxiety. just your welcoming gaze and your apron-clad self in its full glory. somehow, even with the remnants of flour on your hands and cheeks, you’re still the epitome of purity.

was it finally time?

"i'm back,” he swallows but before he could dislodge the word from his throat, you beat him to it.

"welcome home," you smiled ever so gently, "so... how was your day?"

you’ve always been like this, playing your role with effortless ease that it hurts him.

"it was alright. have you eaten dinner yet?"

"i was waiting for you. let's?"

"let's."

and what can a selfish man do but find a salve that removes that burning pain of cowardice?

it took only five steps to find heaven and as it turns out, heaven was your hands tangled in his hair as you pulled him impossibly close, sweet lips pressed against his. it’s the irreplaceable kind and diluc was convinced that even if the world were to burn outside right now, he would not be able to part from the astronomical pull of your person — just as it had always been.

。 TARTAGLIA — “ monoceros caeli | narwhal sky ”

if he could laugh at only one joke for the rest of his life, he’d choose to laugh at himself and the immense foolishness that seemed to run through his veins more prominently than his own blood. he’s a fool — an even greater fool than the romanticists who adore all things reminiscent of their muse — for letting go of possibly the greatest love he’ll ever come across in his lifetime. 

growing up with doe-eyed sisters and a picturesque couple in his mother and father, ajax loved the idea of soulmates. he lived for it, daydreaming of one day locking eyes with someone who will always be there for him. he closes his eyes and he sees a beauty blessed by aphrodite and a heart favored by eros. just thinking about it makes him flex his hands that are hardened and scarred from an accident back when he was seven. he sees his muse shine radiantly as they cradle his rough hands into their own, pressing little kisses on each ruined flesh in a soft profession of “you’re perfect. everything about you from your unruly hair to your deep blue eyes to your tender gaze is perfect and i love you for it.” sure, maybe the poetries were exaggerated but those exaggeration bleeds of hope; of a determination to overcome even the most cruelest of pains and ajax, ever a fighter, finds that he loves it. if believing in everything that could go right instead of everything that could go wrong dubs him a fool, then a fool he should be and a proud one at that. he’s loved before and yes, they haven’t all been pretty but he thanks the stars and the moons above that he met them anyway. for him and probably every other brave soul out there, love is more than just meeting and tolerating. it is also finding and growing and being in the most preciously delicate of ways. it’s beautiful in a way that no man can ever hope to describe because it is all in the heart; all embedded in the soul that speaks its own kind of indecipherable language.

ariel was a warrior and he always believed it so. she took a leap of faith by trading what was dear to her person in order to gain and become one with someone who could give her so much more. cinderella, too, was a warrior. she overcome the fear and the years of doubt engraved into her being by her malicious family for the sake of coming home to someone who can wash away all that pain. that’s love — finding strength in another and becoming greater than you could ever be had you been walking on your own. love was as glorious as they claim it to be: it feeds your eyes images of a thousand fireflies and your stomach, a kaleidoscope of wild butterflies that dance in celebration of your fluttering heart. love was as magical as they claim it to be: ajax finding himself giggling with his siblings at 2am as they binged an obscure rom-com series from the 90s with colorful hopes for the future. the soft light of the television illuminates their face as they all proclaim in their heads, “someday… someday, that love will be mine and it will be more than enough.”

love isn’t a painkiller, at least, not to him. it’s something closer to a vitamin that invigorates your restless mind. love is something supernatural and yet, so ironically mundane. it’s not a one-two fix for any of your woes but it does leave you laughing incredulously as you find yourself charging ahead with your flames renewed. maybe he’s lived a relatively peaceful life to be able to say such words but everything seemed so easy as long as he could find it in his trembling legs to jump and free fall into whatever that may come to pass. he’s blessed that way; that his family taught him how to nurture another’s soul while letting them return the favor; that the authors in the few books he has read all spoke of how despite being imperfect and scared, people still choose to love just because they could; that the old ladies in the nursing home he volunteers at all said that while hurt has come to them in more ways than one, they bore no regrets because the happiness they gained from their experiences patches that hurt all too easily. it’s strange and complex and far too intricate for his simple mind but he knew that if there is only one thing and one thing alone that he knows for sure, it’s that people need love.

love is what colors the world with the blue in his eyes and the pink on his flushed cheeks. love is what makes him see glimpses of yellow and green at each blooming romance of young high schoolers who are still testing the waters. it’s a vibrant, mind-blowing shade that throws even the power of jupiter to shame. after all, what else will you call a power so supreme that it pushes you to live, live, and live some more? he has yet to find that kind of love for himself but he knows that it will come eventually. someday, he will love someone and they will love him back and they would put james dean and audrey hepburn to shame. they will dance with him to the tune of ‘can’t help falling in love’ because they truly can’t help but fall for each other every time they’d flash a gummy smile and they will fall asleep side-by-side on the living room as the credits of some mediocre hallmark film plays in the background.

yeah… that sounds about right… sounds about what everyone deserves to have…

they say that twenties was the marriage age but ajax argues that there is no "one" time for love. he does make the effort of putting himself out there as his friends called it but that was that. he was in no particular rush and he finds no need to plead for destiny’s threads to pull him forward. destiny was an expert in reverse psychology though because ajax received an answer to a prayer unsung and he found it at the corner of an overhyped cafe a few blocks away from home.

he found the idea of love at first sight cute but always thought that it wasn’t for him. it was unfair to think about now that he learned that it didn’t matter a single bit what he thought because love comes however it wants. in that crowded place, time seemed to stop and so did his heart that froze before starting back up with a pace that would usually send him flying off the walls. his throat closes up as he hurriedly averts his gaze from you in the middle of a flustered panic. was his hair fine? did he remember to wear his lucky cologne? seemingly useless questions flitted through his mind and before long, he was at the front of the counter ordering some random coffee brew because he just couldn’t be bothered. was this what the bards meant when they said “you’ll know it when it happens”?

with a hesitant step forward, he cleared his throat before smiling apologetically (and he hopes it also came off as charming), “is this seat taken? sorry, i can’t see any other empty space…”

so what if he said a little lie? so what if the second floor of the cafe had a few spare tables? if he was going to shoot his shot, he might as well omit all the negative details from his head — just like the tense frown you were wearing from the moment he saw you.

ajax waited with bated breath and stiff muscles as you considered your options. when you sighed in defeat, he sighed in relief and he all but slammed his tray in a hurry in case you suddenly change your mind. he was barely situated in when you brought out your headphones. panic-stricken, he wore another bright smile as he tapped on your mug, “what’s your order? it looks good!”

you frowned and ajax winced internally because of all things he could say, he says the one thing that didn’t make sense, “good? the most you could see is the murky leftovers of the good parts. what’s there to look at?”

“i guess but,” he shrugged relaxedly (it was all an act), “is anything really good if you could only appreciate it on its best of days?”

he thought that he caught himself well but you seemed to disagree, rolling your eyes and completely ignoring him by the next second. he halfheartedly twirled his straw, wondering if he just sucked at conversing with attractive people or if you were just naturally pessimistic and cold. either way, the defeated slouch of his body was not hard to see by any interested onlooker.

so what if he was a romantic? he didn't think that there was something to be ashamed of in embracing a positive outlook in an otherwise dreary world. there was nothing wrong with adoring chick-flicks and pumpkin spice lattes during fall. there was nothing strange with choosing to highlight the good than the bad. there was nothing to criticize in the way he immediately felt drawn to you like two halves of a whole separated for the longest time and suddenly — by complete happenstance — finding each other again. so what if he believed in the irrational notion of soulmates? he'd stand his ground through it all if it meant being able to turn what appears to be a permanent frown on your face into a smile.

he's seen you before in his dreams and it's rather amazing how you beat all the odds when you chose to come at the right day and time and prove to him that you do exist in real life. you had the fire he imagined he'd gladly dance in and the small pout that would put all those celebrities to shame. you could tell him that adonis and aphrodite have nothing on you and he'd believe it in a heartbeat. it's this weird magnetic pull that makes him stare like some poet that wishes to immortalize your attractiveness in his books. the one time he diverts his gaze, he sees you catching a staring at him from the mirror that hung from the wall close by. fueled by the adrenaline and perhaps, hope, he schools his expression into what he hopes looks like a smile that can send anyone swooning like those picture-perfect guys in the novels.

"if you wanted to look, you don't need to be so sneaky about it."

he watched you blink, eyebrows pulling together in a show of annoyance as he sent a wink for good measure. without a skip of a beat, you said, "you have something on your lip."

"what? fuck..." he had been too preoccupied with your reflection that he didn't catch his. now, his mind was in shambles and dark thoughts filled them in response to his embarrassment. "shit, i thought i was being slick and all that—"

though troubled, he didn't miss the small smile that graced your lips that you tried to hide with your hoodie. he counts that as a win so he shoots you a big grin before looking down at his coffee. hesitation brews in his heart but it was now or never so clearing his throat, he asks. "hey, can i get your number?"

you demeanor changes and for the nth time, ajax beats himself up in regret. 

"easy there! i'm really not trying to get in your pants or something. i just thought you were pretty cool and i figured we'll be good buddies!"

he gave it his best shot in damage control but you still refused to give it. he asked nineteen times in total and for the twentieth time, he calls upon the world to give him just one sign that you're really the one for him and so, he proposes a game of rock, paper, scissors — placing everything at the hands of his luck and to fate.

you lost.

but he lost too, he chuckled emptily as he twirled the stirrer in his cup. here he was, still sat at the corner of the cafe you first met in but this time, there was no you. he burned that bridge foolishly because of some drunken drawl incited by irrelevant fears. what a joke. he lost you faster than it took to fall for you which was absurdly swift even in the dictionaries of the gurus. you're midnight wine and campfire talks and hushed giggles in the corner of a big, storied library. you were everything he asked for even when sometimes, you behave like the exact opposite of him. that has always been fine though. opposites attract until he had to ruin it with his stupid mouth.

he should've known better; should've known that all the good things in his life would come crashing down because of him.

the pain in your voice was something that would haunt his nights for the rest of his life, possibly even the lives after that. when you asked why the fuck he'd done the things that he did, he can't even bring himself to look for answers because why the fuck did he? he could only watch as your face morphs into a person he once knew and killed — the you that was cynical and doubtful of good intentions; the you that hated disney films and fairy tales because it's too good to be true; the version of you that would refuse to draw matching hearts when he'd write your name in the back pages of your notebook.

'can't help falling in love' plays in the cafe radio and ajax runs a hand across his face in humanity's greatest portrayal of the character, misery. it was in moments like this when figments of the past you shared come passing around him like shadows that he realizes how much his heart longs to just grip the clock and turn the hands of time himself. he misses the way you'd laugh as he curses out the liars in tv shows. he misses the way he misses you every time you had work and now, your split second replies had all turned into one sided conversations in blue. what can he do?

"what's this? you look pathetic." he jolts in his seat as if all he needed was to hear the voice he hasn't heard in weeks to come back to life. ajax decides against saying that you were far from faring any better. your eyes were swollen like you haven't stopped crying all this time and your lips were trembling at the mere sight of him. his lips twitch up at that. guess he still had some effect on you... he'd rejoice if his tongue wasn't tied in undoable knots. "well? you wanted to talk and now that i'm here, you're not saying anything."

you place yourself before him, setting down a tray that had the same steaming drink you ordered before. he was right. it did look good on its best form.

"you feel unreal. i dreamt of you so many times these days that i don't know if i just finally lost it since you're actually talking to me this time."

there was no response, just the white noise of people having their own conversations that were faring far better than his own. a lump forms on his throat and he forces it down like the way he forces himself to meet your gaze. he didn't know what to expect to see but it certainly wasn't concern.

"just... i don't know... start from the beginning, i guess? i want to know what could possibly be running through your oh-so-brilliant mind for everything to end up like this."

so he tells you everything from the start. from his love at first sight that you couldn't help but laugh at since he spared no details and no thoughts for his dignity, the stalker that has been bothering him for years, the night he drank his concerns away, the way he adored how you rushed and picked him up when he couldn't even stand, the desperate attempt to remove that unsettling feeling in his chest, the timid but excited smile he was greeted with when he woke up to your excited smile, the instance he knew he fucked up, the dreams of a heart stopping confession fading away like a wisp, the fear of losing you if you find out that how it started out was a misunderstanding even if everything else was the truth, and finally, the gratitude he can't help but gurgle out through his tears. all this time, you listened, not interrupting him for one second except for when you awkwardly slid the paper towels in your tray over to him when he started having a breakdown.

you stayed silent for quite some time, ruminating on your thoughts and ajax believes he hasn't known anxiety until today. five minutes passed before you spoke with an unreadable smile, "you're an idiot, you know that?"

"...excuse me?"

"you're an idiot. i don't know how i fell for you," you sigh as the chair creaks when you leaned back, "but i did and for some reason, i can't find it in myself to regret it when emotions died down."

there was just no way that the man you knew who liked having raspberry sherbet after kicking the ass of some random date that stood you up was fake. you chose to believe that not because of some optimistic dream but because it might as well become a scientifically proven truth. he was a guy, well-built and kind, actually clumsy but firm and honorable and— fuck, he has honor and principles in his bloodstream that you decided to give him a chance to explain.

"i didn't block you, you know... i saw each message you sent me hence this," you motion to yourself with a stiff smile.

"oh."

ajax swallows before looking back down to his drink that now turned lukewarm and murky. it stops him from forming any thoughts and he's unsure if he's happy with that since it meant being left alone with the muddled reflection that stared back at him.

"i... honestly don't know what to tell you, ajax, but i... i understand where you came from and i don't think i'm getting the closure i was supposed to get today."

just like back then, he steels himself.; he schools his expression into what he hopes looks like a smile that can send anyone swooning like those picture-perfect guys in the novels although this time, it's weaker and wearier in comparison.

"is that some roundabout way of telling me i can still win you over?"

you don't respond again, only sipping on your drink for the first time that day, and neither of you knew what to make of that.

it's cynicism that saves young hearts from recklessly bolting out of their well-made confines to find something that didn't exist. it's scrutiny that disproves the existence of love and by extension — the macabre heartbreak you were never meant to feel. it's hope that ruins everything that guards your delicate heart. you didn't believe in happy-ever-afters, no, not after all that, but for some reason, you think that this story isn't meant to end in this bitter note after all. maybe the tragedies you heard off were, all this time, interpreted differently by the people who lived it.

shit... you should know better but he was someone you'd risk it all for and that's the dilemma. you supposed you owe him a part of your humor. in this irony, for the first time in a few weeks, you feel like you can laugh again and mean it — genuinely and wholly.

"please—" ajax speaks abruptly, eyes shaking as he eyed your now empty cup, "don't go... not yet..."

you don't. not yet.

。 XIAO — “ alatus nemeseos | winged nemesis ”

mysterianism is the belief that not a single being in the entire vast universe can decipher the hard problem of consciousness. the limits of human comprehension makes it impossible for anyone to grasp the idea of qualia — that is, an individual's subjective yet conscious experiences. it's a bitter acceptance that stops you from falling into the pitfall that is called existential crisis. in a way, it's a philosophical view that is both an answer and not in a big world overflowing with questions because truly, how exactly would you attempt to prove the nature of consciousness? of souls and minds? of their eternal nature or their temporality? what exactly was real? 

xiao, at least, believed that this was solution enough. you may never know if the love in someone else's eyes weigh as much as the one you held in yours but at least, you're certain that it is real and there's no more need to spare doubt on something equivocal in spirit. you don't need to question their 3am thoughts, their strange thought process and conspiracies because it's something that just exists. they exist and you know them. you know their soul and their body and their mind; know what keeps them awake at night and the untold fears that has never seen the light of day until now. he'd know. he feels it every single time in every single conversation. he's kinda you and you're kinda him and it's so easy to say that you belong side-by-side together because there is some unexplainable, hidden force tying a string in your hand and in his. whenever he's in bed, thinking of nothing but which series to binge watch with you next, he knows that you exist and he exists with you.

you've always been his best friend — now and forevermore in each version of ending regardless if it's a happy ever after or not. the insomnia that plagues your mind is something that he mirrors and each night passes easier ever since he met you. whether it be imessage billiards or some philosophical dilemma you found because of your brilliant mind, he types for god knows how long until he settles for a reply that's worthy of your time. he likes you and that's why it doesn't matter to him if he comes to school with dark circles underneath his eyes. he likes you. of course he did. it's harder to not like you than it is to stop breathing. you're everything that he's not — soft and well-rounded, always knowing the right words to say when he's feeling numb after a day of exhausting exchanges. you're not the best at one-sided conversations but the way you'd squeeze his hand in yours is a whole tale in itself. you're his favorite person and for that alone, he speaks the words that are so hard to come to him on normal days.

he says 'i passed by your favorite cafe so i got us some drinks' but mean 'i thought of you while going through my daily life' because he gets so overwhelmed by the saccharine taste of those words when it finally comes down to it. each sentence is some profound expression of his heart and it leaves him trembling in his doc martens every single goddamn time, leaving him to regret not saying what he truly meant later at night when everything's said and done. 'these songs reminded me of you and i don't know how to thank you for being in my life,' 'you're my favorite person and your face is the one that pops inside my mind when i think of the one person i don't ever want to lose,' and ' i love you'; so many things he wanted to say but cowardice comes around to bite his throat until not even a word can be coughed out.

when did the switch between platonic to romantic happen? when did your name become the missing piece to the absurd solution to an equally absurd problem? who knows... maybe it was never platonic in the first place and he just never noticed because mysterianism cannot explain your soul. everything's blurry these days and the only clear thing in his incomprehensible mind was the recognition of the sharp pains that throb in his chest whenever he eyes the last text message you sent.

he loves you. he loves his best friend and your shitty playlist and your store-bought cookies. he loves the criticism you spout whenever the random movie you managed to put on turned out to be some horribly written romance. he loves the way you'd send him random memes throughout the day for no good reason other than you can. he loves you and he misses you especially on late nights like this when your replies came as scarce as water in the desert. was it desperation? some god's pity? he thinks no further before trying again, sending another "hey" among the many he has sent before in an attempt to start a conversation.

he can't explain why he's still staring at his phone expectantly... what does he expect to see?

it chimes and xiao jolts up like a child on their birthday morning.

words are beautiful. they can convey anything from sorrow to glee to adoration and hatred. they're like roses in that sense and roses were dangerous. they're thorned and adorned with hidden malicious meanings. you've given him roses before and he never feared being pricked by them because he knows you. that's why the anxiety he feels now is unfamiliar — because now he doesn't know if he's ever understood you at all.

your half-hearted, playing innocent replies greeted him and the conversation ended faster than what was once the usual but it was a start. he managed to invite you to his next performance and that... well, he supposed it was something to be happy over. amber eyes strayed to find the hoodie that he gave you that he never managed to return. with renewed vigor, xiao kisses the idea of getting any sleep tonight a wonderful goodbye. he has better things to do and words? words are beautiful but they fail him more often than not. if he could get someone else to say the words he desperately wanted to say for him, would it matter? it's still real, is it not? regardless of its validity, the rest of the night was silent save for the soft strumming of a guitar and lonely humming.

friday afternoon came faster than he anticipated and so did the lump on his throat. backstage, his arms feel like jelly that was strangely conducting electricity to the tips of his cold hands. his legs weren't feeling any better being comparable to lead itself. he hates this, he thinks and he mussed up his hair with an annoyed groan. whatever... whatever! xiao repeatedly mumbles to himself as his grip on his guitar's neck grows ever tighter.

if not anything else, then he was still your friend. he has that, at least. he still has you even if it'll never be the same as before.

his band mate tells him they're on stage in five and he peeks through the curtains to see you nursing a drink by the exit. you were wearing one of his shirts and he wonders; do you wear it because you still care about him somewhat or have you just forgotten that it was his once upon a time? regardless, his heart that was already in such a dangerous position trembles at the sight of you. it beats against his ribcage until the excited cheers of the crowd becomes a whisper compared to his own heartbeat. 

has it been weeks since he last saw you? it all feels unreal.

"for the first song," xiao tuned out the band's lead singer who just finished hyping up the crowd, busying himself with adjusting the grain for his electric guitar so that he didn't have to meet the gaze that he knows is focused solely on him — just like other times, "it's actually written by our guitarist, xiao. we hope you enjoy it."

what does it mean to say something? was it merely sending your thoughts to another? whatever it was, it can't possibly be the way xiao could only spare you a passing glance before he had to grit his teeth, feelings of sadness, regret, and longing bubbling to the surface of his normally schooled expression. he catches your raised brow, eyes surprised and dare he say it, concerned, as he finds his world closing in on him.

"if i could turn back time... if I could find a way, i'd take back those words that've hurt you and you'd stay."

relationships ruin friendships, they say. xiao just never considered that there would be an end to something that seems so inexplicably perfect. holding onto hope was foolish but a part of him considered that maybe... maybe you'd find the answer to your question in his song and stop this cruel game of tag. 

"i don't know why i did the things i did. i don't know why i said the things i said"

liquid courage was nothing compared to the state of his sanity. you had on the most unreadable expression he's ever seen. heck, you had never reacted like that the entire time he knew you; not when you had sat so close together, knees and arms touching under one blanket and not when he came knocking on your door one rainy night.

"words are like weapons, they wound sometimes."

he strums his guitar, words — lyrics — popping in his mind in time with the singer who was singing his heart out. words are beautiful because sometimes, they tell you exactly what you want to hear and this time, he means it. it is real. him on the stage, you by the bar; this is reality and each word he wrote for you are the words he hadn't been strong enough to say the night you became mercury and him, pluto.

"i didn't really mean to hurt you," he sees you cover your face with your hand and he stills, wondering if he messed up all over again, "i didn't wanna see you go."

before you were whatever this was, he was your best friend. he used to look out for you in his stupid, unconventional ways because that's the best he could do in his awkward, socially inept skin. he would wordlessly pass his lecture notes to you, pay for your fast-food runs, sign your excuse letters so it wouldn't be obviously fake. he never knew why he made such an effort with you when if it were anybody else, he'd scoff and move on with his day. looking back, maybe he knew the answer all this time. he's in love with you. for real this time.

you're kinda him so you knew what he meant with those words, "if I could reach the stars, i'd give 'em all to you. then you'd love me, love me, like you used to do."

such bittersweet words shake your resolve and you don't know how much more you can take. you're taken back to christmas eves spent in your apartment, hot cocoa and foam on his lips as 'the grinch' plays on the background. you finally meet his eyes after a long while of avoidance and you knew that he's there too.

"when you walked out that door i swore that i didn't care but i lost everything, darlin', then and there."

words were truly beautiful.

this time, he doesn't escape the conversation that must be had and you didn't either. he leaves his guitar the moment the song ends and runs to the backstage where you stand there looking aimless and very, very real. reaching his hand towards you was instinct — like he couldn't believe this was reality and you respond in kind, knowing how lonely it is to be alone in not knowing what you can believe in.

"you'll..." he sighs when your skin touches his, hands interlinking just as how he was used to, “we'll be okay, right?"

"maybe? i think so..." 

you sent him a watery smile and downing pride and fear better than vodka, he tugs your body until you're as close as can be. xiao still can't help but wonder if this is a dream.

you're his best friend and more. selfishly, he doesn't want to lose you — not again after coming back from that hell. you're the one who pulls him back when his aggression takes the better of him. you're the one who stubbornly forces tylenol down his throat whenever he was feeling sick. you were the one who approached him first and stayed even when he refused to return the trust you give him whenever you question everything in this world. you knew him and his intricacies first, the same way he was the first to unearth yours. you're the one who keeps his mind from spiraling — the solution to every single problem he can't seem to understand.

"don't cry," you murmur through your own tears, "i can't stand seeing you cry."

he can't help it, body relaxing with each passing second as the distance between you decreases once more, just as it should always be. frost thaws like the first day of spring. suddenly, it was like the december nights he endured were but a part of his imagination; his weird consciousness manipulating the sensory experience of bearing through the lack of warmth emitted by your body in his hold.

mysterianism is the belief that not a single being in the entire vast universe can decipher the hard problem of consciousness. the limits of human comprehension makes it impossible for anyone to grasp the idea of qualia — that is, an individual's subjective yet conscious experiences. the relief that renews his bones is one that cannot be explained and he preferred it this way out of the fear that if he questions it too deeply, the world will take offense and take you away from him again. his love and your forgiveness, though he can understand neither, he feels nothing but gratitude. it's beautiful, isn't it? in this vast world, you and him made perfect sense and no science or craft can ever come close to placing a value to the way your lovely smile was enough to calm all the raging thoughts in his head.

there was still so much that needs to be said — to be talked through — but that can wait until tomorrow morning. today, he basks in joy. love disappoints and love changes but he was able to catch you before you fully depart. he eyes your face and he can still read through your micro-expressions that speak so loudly of the way you were feeling the same things he was. he sees you and you're still the same as he remembers, if not more precious. it's you. it's really you and admitting it makes him feel like he's one of those down bad boys from dramas who'd jump and scream their professions of love from high school rooftops. and well, if that's what it takes to steal your heart away, he'd gladly be one with this version of him in some other universe.

"you've been staring at me for quite some time now," you promptly avoid his gaze when you hear the familiar lilt that cues his mischief, "you're not still thinking that you're the only conscious mind in this world, right?"

"...well, aren't you such a dream to have?"

mysterianism is a word and words are beautiful especially when it's so powerful that it can patch up old wounds in a minute. 

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