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marshmallowprotection · 2 months

Note

hello!! consider this like a bingo free space to talk about any headcanons or anything that is currently on your mind that no one has asked about!!

~embroidery anon

(or if there's nothing on your mind, take it as just some well wishes <3)

Well, lately I've been thinking about Saeran's scars and how they deserve to be handled with love and care. I don't see many people draw the scars he likely has on one or both of his ankles. But, I think there's a good chance those scars are there, and it doesn't matter if they're faint or bold, the feeling of having something touch that part of his body hurts.

It triggers him and brings him back to a place he never wants to be ever again. He spent his childhood with ropes and chains wrapped around his ankles, binding him to the ground, so he's not going to ever want to feel that weight around his body if he has a say. He's overwhelmed, frightened, and scared of being bound.

Whether they want to draw him with scars on that part of his body or not, the damage his mother inflicted on him isn't something anyone should ignore when they're thinking about that part of his body. He's afraid of being tied up... and I do grimace when I see people write him enjoying that, even in a safe space, if only because my worst fears in regards to this were proven to be true when he Rika restrained him.

Why do you think he disassociates from the very moment Rika puts chains around his ankle in the RAE?

It takes him back to the worst time in his life.

In an instant, he's back in his childhood home, and he is being restrained against his will by his mother. She keeps him in Chains because she knows if she lets both of the boys run around without something to keep one of them back, they'll run away, she'll lose her meal ticket, and they'll die. Not that she cares about them living or dying, but if they die, she doesn't get what she wants and that's the money Saejoong gives her every month.

Her plan, in my theory, was to become a trophy wife and it didn't work out that way. She blackmailed Saejoong when she didn't get what she wanted and her miserable existence continued to spiral as she grew bitter at the boys for existing and not giving her what she wanted. She never wanted kids.

She wanted a lavish lifestyle and was willing to have a kid or two to ensure her success. Saejoong didn't want her as a wife. She wasn't the type of person who could stand with him and get him the life he wanted. He's been fighting and cheating his way to top. He needed a wife who would stand behind him, smile, and stay silent. We know he has a wife and kid he legally considers his own, but we don't know a damn thing about them.

I'm still not entirely sure if he already had a wife at the time he had an encounter with Mother Choi. Either way, her plan was to either scoop him up for marriage and win herself a lifestyle of luxury, or to be a pretty side piece who gets whatever she wants while not having to worry about running some household.

I digress, we all understand that she kept Saeran on a chain because he was easier to restrain. She needed Saeyoung to run errands for her when she was too inebriated or hungover to do it herself. Saeran was just a baby. A baby she restrained with ropes and chains. That's not something he's ever going to shake off. I think, it might get easier in the future, but... it's always going to be a part of him.

He's never unpacked the scope of what that did to him. He hasn't had enough time to do so since his freedom from Mint Eye. But, I can say this to you.

Saeran Choi will not wear clothes that are tight around his ankles.

If he wears anything that goes over his ankles, it does not clamp to that part of his body. It has to be loose and if it does go over his ankles, it has to go over them entirely and land in such a place that doesn't trigger him.

He will never wear socks that are longer than ankle cut. Ideally, he will wear something that isn't longer than his ankles, but if he has to wear something that is, he will make sure that it is the loosest kind of soft fabric he can find. This man will not wear skinny jeans. You shouldn't draw that with in mind, to be honest.

I already hear someone trying to tell me about Unknown, yes, Unknown wears a tall pair of boots, but they do not stop on his ankles, they go well above them. You can also tell his pants are not tight around his ankles thanks to this photo from the secret ending. We also have a photo from his birthday a few years ago where he's wearing a different outfit, and wouldn't you know it, there's nothing tight around his ankle there!

There is only one photo of him in existence where he's wearing something that has an ankle-cut style, and it's not the happiest image of him in existence. It’s SE Saeran wearing something that feels off. The shirt he's wearing in this image has been presumed by everyone in this fandom to be hand-me-downs.

Technically, he's still wearing the tank top and pants from his outfit before, the only different thing is the fact that he's wearing a sweater that seems a bit too big for him and shoes that rest on his ankles that have replaced his boots. I do think the shirt and boots belong to his brother because they fit more with Saeyoung’s style.

It also makes sense that he wouldn't want to bother with choosing new clothes for himself, after all, he's only here because his brother begged and pleaded with him not to die. Saeyoung would’ve gifted him something to wear and given the fact that Saeran is still wary of his brother by the end of the Secret Ending, it’s a surprise to see him willing to accept anything at all, much less a shirt and shoes.

Unfortunately, the reason why he feels so disconnected in this photo doesn't just have to do with the fact that he feels uncomfortable around the RFA, I think it's because the minute he put those boots on, he felt disconnected and detached. That look in his eyes has always bothered me.

The more I think about it, the more I fear that it's because he's wearing shoes that make him uncomfortable but he doesn't want to voice his discomfort. He doesn't want to be smothered by his brother who still needs to sort out his trauma with parentification. But, I have to point this out because it's the only image where he's wearing shoes that do this.

#embroidery anon #mod kait #ask #character analysis #mystic messenger #mysme #saeran choi #mysticmessenger #mm #choi saeran #saeran #ge saeran #se saeran #saeray #ray choi #choi ray #suit saeran #vae ray #vae saeran

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natasha-in-space · 1 year

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They're ordering at Taco Bell

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asterjennifer · 2 years

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@puwey on Tumblr

Mystictober 2022 | Day 10 - Camera

Summary: After a storm comes a rainbow; it fits them both very well.

Together they learn to appreciate their hobbies in new light.

─────◇◇◇★◇◇◇─────

They're still getting used to the functions that the new cameras brought with them; it's bizarre for Saeran to watch the one being professional in photography sturggle with some settings.

“Is it hard, V?” He wondered as he titled his head, soft bleached hair falling over his forehead more.

The older guardian raised his left hand to angel the camera's display better. “Ah, I wouldn't say hard,” A click filled the open air. “It's just.. I have to admit the touchscreen is something I haven't worked with yet.”

He mumbled, sunlight coloring his minty hair slightly more blueish in Saeran's eyes. Scanning his own camera between his hands, he let the stare wander over the sea of buttons and wheels. He couldn't deny it's overwhelming to hold more than his phone in order to capture the nature around them up in their secret place.

It had been Saeran's idea, although it came off more shy than desired. However, V immediately overflew with excitement when happiness crossed his facial features. Up there, with only the two of them after such draining events; it's surreal to the younger twin most of the time. But his friend never failed proving reality either way.

So when they stood in a wild field, overgrown by many apple trees and the sea of daisies under their feet, this doubt followed even as the white blossoms brushed his ankles. Luckily for him; V's right there next to him. Struggling with the camera just as much and he already felt better.

“Alright!” V smiled relieved. “I figured it out. You want me to show you?” Saeran's eyes blinked once the other looked over.

Why did it take so long to live such a trivial life? How come they all needed pure destruction before becoming aware what really mattered in the end? He's not better than them; neither are they supreme to him. It's giving and taking that went beyond everyone's control and left him, specifically, with a mark on his body.

The waving hand in front of his face pulled him back into reality. “Saeran? Are you okay?” He stared at him a moment longer, a smile following.

“Yes, sorry.” And also a little bit of blush crept over his cheeks when reaching out the camera to V. “Just spaced out. Please, show me what I have to do exactly.”

After a few steps; V started pointing to the different buttons on the left side. “This is for filters,” He explained depsite Saeran's silence responding. Could he tell by now it didn't explicitly meant confusion? How time passed by.

The young man focused on the explanations well and V held it back out. “Was it understable? Not too fast?”

Saeran shook his head in appreciation. “Not at all, I think I got the hang of it. Thanks.” V found himself chuckling, remembering that outstanding talent of the twins to learn faster than any other person he'd ever met.

“I'm glad then.” He lifted his own to the right eye, focusing through the lense and watching this enormous filed of nature the way he's used to.

Saeran initiated him somewhat; instead of just going for it though, he kneeled down. Thinking what the first thing should be to capture with his brand new device. The sky because it's his favorite? The flowers to perhaps make a book of flower languages one day? Or one of the tress in order to learn setting the focus correctly?

Attention drifted and he ended up gazing at V again; already observed in his element. It then sparkled the idea in the corner of Saeran's mind; had anyone ever taken a photo of V in his times where he's working out his job? He couldn't remember that to be the case.

V could feel something nagging at his bones soon enough. It made him look around to see if his paranoia's simply another leftover of the past. But no, it surprised him finding the lense of Saeran's camera being pointed at no other than him.

“What are you doing?” He wheezed out of breath and the young man peeked a quick glimpse over before hiding behind the screen again. “Capturing your commitment.”

Was his offer. “It would be a great reminder for me to know who you really are.” V's bright eyed widened, his heart pounding lightly due to the wamrth inside of it. How grateful he was.. could Saeran truly capture that?

Paying it no more mind, V also kneeled down to get his camera on his height. “Then let me return the favor.” It caught Saeran off guard and therefore the picture ended up showing his bright blush as he rose back up.

When V came over to show Saeran, they both couldn't help but laugh about his facial expression. So, so red. The younger twin showed his own photo and V's obviously impressed which boosted his confidence immensely. “I like this, V.”

Saeran chimed amazed, having the older one place one hand onto his shoulder. “If you find joy in taking photos, then what more is there to be happy about? I'm glad you like it. And thank you for trying it out with me, Saeran.”

#mystic messenger #mm #saeran choi #saeran #mystic messenger saeran #V #mystic messenger v #kim jihun #VAE Saeran #v after ending #V & Saeran #fluff #ff #au #mm mystictober2022 #mm_mystictober2022 #VAE

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luxielle · 10 months

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Saeran x Lumen ✧･ﾟ

VAE dream girl magic ✨

#mystic messenger #mysme #saeran choi #mystic messenger saeran #mysme ray #vae ray #saeran x lumen #cmc lumen #ray choi #lux does art

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rayroseu · 1 year

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an old drawing of vae ray! 💖 i hope to play v's after end if i actually got motivation to farm for hgs 😭💔

Happy Valentine's Day, Ray! He deserves all the warmth and kindness♡

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nanoko-aishino · 11 months

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Angel

VAE Ray aka Burned Marshmallow in his compression garment

Ofc blushing >///<

#my art #saeran choi #saeran #vae ray #mystic messenger #mysme saeran #otome #ray #ray choi #angel #saeran with scar #cute #precious

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pastelsapphy · 1 year

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crying over the fact that Saeyoung holds himself just as accountable for Saeran's death as Rika and V.

god i need to unlock the rest of vae i need to see my boys reunited

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anas-tasiaa · 1 year

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We used to be close,

But people can go,

From people you know,

To people you don't.

#mystic messenger #saeran choi #saeran SE #saeyoung choi #707 #I know #I've always posted about Saeran SE 😗#because he's the only Saeran I fond of ahah #and also Saeran VAE!#and yeah that Unknown the tsundere #angst-y characters are just the best

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amee-racle-ofmyown · 2 years

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roasted marshmallow q-q

#teary smile🥲#first time on forerver I'm actually posting something from the app #my art #mystic messenger #mysme #mysmes #mysme ray #mm ray #vae ray #saeran choi #burnt baby TT #cw scars #cw burns

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wiltedmysmes · 9 months

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Flower Diary: VAE Saeran 🥀

He has been through hell and back, and VAE Saeran is still looking for his happy ending. Will you be there to heal his broken heart? 🥀

#mystic messenger #saeran choi #mysme #wiltedmysmes #flower diary

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just-mysme-headshots · 1 year

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B10 with kin list for Saeran please? (Any version of him is fine. Ray/GE/VAE/SE/Suit/etc etc)

Meanie! Meanie meanie meanie—

Request

#jmh art #bust #mysme #mm #mystic messenger #ray #saeran choi #mysme ray #mm ray #mystic messenger ray #mystic messenger saeran #mm saeran #mysme saeran

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marshmallowprotection · 4 months

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Hiiii! How do you think a first encounter between Saeyoung and Saeran’s MC would go? (Not in Saeran’s GE timeline. Maybe the SE? Or VAE?)

Do you think Saeyoung would be the stereotypical intimidating/ threatening big brother? (I see that trope allll the time in different medias)

Huge question first.

SE Saeran. For him, we need to think about if he knew his MC before the cult. If they were involved with him to the point where Saeyoung and his MC would've encountered them during the route? Were they Unknown's assistant? Were they just a nameless believer? What were they to him, if they were anything?

That makes for a very important distinction! Saeyoung values people who look after his brother, as well as mean something to him. If you knew Saeran before the collapse of Mint Eye, that's going to change a lot of the narrative and the way Saeyoung responds to you. Like, if you were sympathetic to his brother and tried to make sure he had a bit of food to eat, or that he slept, you're already winning Saeyoung's favor.

He knows Saeran had next to nothing in Mint Eye. So, even if it wasn't the perfect situation if you were able to provide some kind of goodness to his life, he wouldn’t have anything against you. He wants his brother to have people in his life who support him, and you can be there for him and understand things that he never could.

If you're someone who meets Saeran by chance AFTER Mint Eye, it's likely in my mind that Saeyoung would want to meet you, but Saeran would do everything in his power to keep you away from him.

It's not that he hates his brother anymore, it's just that his brother feels like he has to parent him. Saeyoung has always felt that way. He thinks he needs to go overboard for Saeran’s sake, and it’s a sticking point in their bond that hasn’t healed.

Saeran has… little autonomy, and while that is because he and his brother still live in fear of Saejoong, there’s a multitude of other factors in that situation as well. If you met him after everything that happened, and he decides he likes your company, he wouldn't want to risk anything on you getting close to his brother. So, if Saeyoung does meet you, and HE WILL, it'll be a whole thing.

Don't count on him making you feel interrogated. Saeyoung probably ends up spying on you and Saeran, only to realize you're not working with their Dad to hurt them, you mean something to Saeran.

VAE Ray or VAE Saeran. In that timeline, we need to figure out if they are MC or not. It is important to determine that factor because if the MC is the game tester? That means Saeyoung's already met them in the time he took for him to rescue the MC and V.

Now, this MC would have to have taken Jihyun's Route in a platonic path, but that's really the only change if that's the case. Not much is different if you view V as a friend, after all. His Route has romance in it but it's more about helping him heal so he can properly romance you when he's ready to get back in the saddle.

Saeyoung had a chance to see the MC, get to know them, and even bond with them after they both are left in the dark to believe Saeran Choi is dead. I do think Saeyoung and the MC in V Route spend a lot of time together, making a timeline for Saeran Choi.

"I knew him now and you knew him then, let's figure out what we know and don't know together... to find closure," only to be stunned when he appears with V at the reunion party!

If you have the opportunity to meet him afterward, that will be an interesting conversation. Regardless of how you read this ending, be it with Saeran or Ray, or both, there is no doubt that the trauma from the explosion on top of losing their first love has changed everything.

How would you feel after knowing you couldn't get rid of yourself at the lowest point of your life? How would you feel after knowing you loved someone, and chose to let them go because you value their happiness more than your wish, only to live with the ache of seeing them smile with another person? You might not want to be around a lot of people again... other than the one you trust... and that means in this timeline, you don't leave Saeyoung's side often, do you, Saeran and Ray?

If you somehow have the luck to get close to them, there is no doubt in my mind that Saeyoung would be cautious.

He knows what happened with MC and his brother(s). He knows how much that hurts. He never wants anything like that to happen again, but he can’t stop Saeran or Ray from leaving the house or trying to make friends again. It's like a catch-22. He wants to keep them safe next to him, but he also wants them to live their own life.

I wouldn’t put it past him to want to do a background check on you. He just… doesn’t want to risk someone’s hurting Saeran or Ray. He almost lost them once and he can't stomach losing them again. He would come around to you eventually, but God knows what it would take.

#mod kait #ask #mystic messenger #anon #mysme #saeran choi #mysticmessenger #mm #choi saeran #vae ray #vae saeran #se saeran #unknown #saeyoung choi #choi saeyoung #luciel choi #choi luciel #saeran #character analysis

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natasha-in-space · 8 months

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Left To Wonder

VAE!Ray/cmc Natasha Stakh;

A glimpse into the aftermath of Ray's first unfortunate awakening, where Natasha and Seven are left to pick up the pieces. A bitter truth about his relationship with his twin is a burden too heavy to carry, and the redheaded hacker is left torn and angry by the end of it. At the same time, Natasha is battling her own demons, finding herself overwhelmed by all the implications of their situation, once her friend wakes up again.

Ch.1, Ch. 2 (you are here!)

-A day earlier.-

As Natasha sat in the hospital lobby, thousands of thoughts racing through her mind, she couldn't help but let out the heaviest sigh she possibly could.

15 minutes. She was absent from Ray's side only for 15 minutes. 15 measly minutes, and it was during those specific 15 minutes of her being away, did he decide to wake up for the first time. Well, it's not like he decided that himself, but... It was still frustrating. She huffed, rubbing at her eyes in an irritated manner.

Annoyance pierced her mind like small needles digging into her skin. She sat faithfully next to him, talked to him and held his hand all this time, but when it came to the most important moment of all, she was not there when he needed her most. What was the point of that round-the-clock watch of hers, then? Now, all these grueling days of continuous sitting at his bedside seemed utterly meaningless to her. Honestly, it was pretty stupid of her to feel this annoyed at something so insignificant, but... Perhaps, she was just tired. Which wouldn't be a surprising explanation at all. She was exhausted.

Natasha groaned into her hands. Ray's reaction was her fault. She should have told Seven about all the nuances... She swore to herself, that she would be there for Ray when he woke up for the first time, since she didn’t want him to feel alone again, but...

In the end, he had to be injected with a sedative, forcefully plunging him into the peaceful world of unconsciousness for his own good. She heard about all the fuss only when she witnessed an entire team of doctors and nurses already rushing into his ward, with Seven being pushed out the door. She exhaled, rolling her head back onto the back of the chair, staring at the painfully bright lights of the hospital.

...God, she couldn't imagine how scared he was. How terrified and alone he felt. In the end, all her efforts to be with him were completely futile. Hell, she even spent her nights in his room, how is any of this fair!?

She observed Seven, who appeared to be praying, holding a silver cross in his hands. Her jaw clenched.

If God existed, he had a cruel sense of humor.

𓈒 ﹒ ☆ 𓂂 ˚ ☆ ꙳ * ࣭ ࣭𓈒 ﹒ ☆ 𓂂

Seven eventually let go of the cross, now left staring absent-mindedly at the floor. This is not what... he expected. No, not at all. He slumped in his chair, clasping his head in his hands, inadvertently parodying the same pose Natasha was in moments earlier. Something he seemed to do often these days. Or, maybe they were both just very stressed. Probably the latter. The more he thought about what just happened, the more his heart sank, a sickening sense of dread enveloping his insides.

He had a bad feeling about this.

"I don't get it. He was so scared of... me? What was that all about? I mean... Yes, of course he would be scared but- Why was he looking at me with like... that?"

Remembering Saeran's terrified look... As if he was being threatened by some horrifying creature, a look he knew so well and vowed to rid him of. But... He didn't even do anything! All he did was sit next to him and call him by his name. Then, why was he so afraid of him...?

He looked at Natasha, as if she was the one who was supposed to know everything there was to know about his brother. And he... He kind of hated it. He had absolutely no other information. From anyone. Even from those who should have been responsible for him... He just... Didn't know who else to turn to at this point. Feeling so helpless was one of the things he hated most of all.

But, for now, he had no other hope except for her.

𓈒 ﹒ ☆ 𓂂 ˚ ☆ ꙳ * ࣭ ࣭𓈒 ﹒ ☆ 𓂂

Natasha gulped, dropping her gaze to the floor with guilt, unable to bear the disheartened expression on Seven's face. She should have told him everything from the very beginning, instead of delaying it, waiting for some miracle, or until somebody else would do it for her. Although, then again, it's not like she knew that much. No, she knew practically nothing.

She hummed quietly, kicking off her shoes from her feet, pulling her knees up to her chest, and wrapping her arms around them. Her head turned towards the bustling hallway of the hospital, her mind focusing on the med personnel in white coats going in and out of the wards, paying no mind to their hushed dialogue. Her heart sank as she watched them, today's unfortunate events replaying in her head for the countless time. She wanted to be there when Ray woke up... Sure, her presence hardly would have magically removed all his fear and stress upon his first awakening, but-

Ugh...

The strangest thing is, some tiniest part of her felt... somewhat jealous that Seven was the one who saw him awake first. It seemed so stupid and absurd to her, however, she couldn't do anything about these unwanted feelings of hers. She'd be lying if she said she hadn't pictured their 'reunion' in her own head many times. Maybe, as a small source of comfort in this stressful time. But, then again, these daydreams of hers were hardly believable, and she knew that. Even if Ray had some... 'feelings' for her, her being next to him wouldn't make his awakening that joyful or happy. But, she just wanted... to lighten his burden, at least a little. Let him know that he was not alone, and that someone was nearby. That... she would protect him.

She got distracted.

Natasha turned away from the ward doors and gazed at the redhaired hacker sitting next to her. She had to take a breath before beginning her explanation. This wasn't going to be pleasant. "Seven... I may not know much, but... He spent almost his entire life there, as far as I understand. I was his assistant for about a year, and... the 'outside world' in their ideology is a terrible, cruel place where everyone wants to destroy you."

She shivered, turning her eyes back to the floor, sorting through so many unpleasant memories of her time in that cursed place that disguised itself as a castle of hopes and dreams. In hindsight, she should have known that any castle, however bright and welcoming, had a dungeon hidden beneath its grand beauty.

"I... tried to ask him to come with me once we escaped... maybe even ask the RFA for help, since I realized that none of you were bad people... and he almost listened to me, but... the Savi- I mean, Rika intervened and reminded him that, if he ever left, he would get locked up somewhere like an animal, never to see the sky or flowers, or... something like that." Natasha swallowed the lump in her throat before continuing. "He's... afraid of this world. And-"

"What are you..." Seven's voice was quiet, but that didn't deter her from catching onto every tremble in his tone as he stared at her in a mix of disbelief and horror.

A small noise of discomfort, similar to a whine, slipped from her lips as she then hid her head in her knees, speaking the rest of her words in a muffled voice. Maybe, she didn't want to know his reaction to what she was about to say. Because she knew this would hurt him, greatly, and she did not want to be a witness to that. Not again.

"...He sees you as an enemy. He hates you and V in particular, and I'm not sure why. He-" Natasha shuddered, remembering the terrible sight of what Ray has done to Jihyun in the basement. She saw him be threatening, or even scary before, but... not like this. Not outright malicious and violent. In that cell, she saw a side of him she didn’t want to accept. And it was that exact event that pushed her to help Jihyun escape, leaving behind her former boss in the process. "...I said he was a good man, and i didn't lie about that, but- He... He tortured Jihyun, right in front of my eyes... I know it was an order from Rika, but he- he was so... ruthless with him. And I think... he would have done the same to you, if you were in Jihyun's place. I don't know why, I know almost nothing about his past, except that it was terrible, and... I can’t explain anything else to you, I’m sorry.”

She raised her head, biting on her lower lip.

"I guess what I'm trying to say is... Maybe- Next time he wakes up... you should leave the room. He... knows me, and we were close, so... maybe, that will make him a little more comfortable." Natasha fidgeted, knowing full well how that probably sounded to him. "...And if he's relatively calm, I'll call you in."

This would result in a bad outcome. She already knew that. The way Ray talked about Seven... If they would ever get along well with each other, then... She could only imagine it after a long period of time. But, maybe, if he saw how Seven was truly worried about him... And how painful it was for Seven to see him in pain... Maybe? Ray was a kind soul at heart, no matter how absurd this may sound after all the horrible events of these past few months of her stay in Magenta. She believed... Or, she wanted to believe that he was capable of forgiving Seven, no matter what could have happened between them.

...Jihyun knew. Natasha was certain of it. But he was still in intensive care, and Jumin strictly forbade Seven to approach his best friend after he saw his... 'unstable' state of mind, once the truth of who was Ray came out. And that was probably for the best. Rika probably knew, too... She was the one that 'saved' Ray, after all. But Rika is far from a reliable source of information. Especially now. Either way... She won't talk to anyone until Ray wakes up again, and this time she will be there.

And if she had to avoid leaving even to use the restroom to achieve this, so be it. It sounded absurd. She almost smiled at herself. At how irrational that sounded.

Almost.

𓈒 ﹒ ☆ 𓂂 ˚ ☆ ꙳ * ࣭ ࣭𓈒 ﹒ ☆ 𓂂

"As an... enemy?" Seven narrowed his eyes at Natasha with a look of hurt crossing over his features. "What kind of nonsense did she even say to him?!"

He clenched his hands in fists. "Why did she do this to him? Did she lie to me that she loved him!? How long? Was it from the beginning? Did V knew? Is that why he wouldn't let me catch the hacker? I-"

"I don't know, Seven. It's true that I worked with him, but I... there's... a very limiting amount of information I could have access to." The young woman murmured, her lips pursed into a thin line. It was obvious that she had a hard time speaking about this. "I'm sorry I didn't say anything earlier, I just- I don't know... I guess I thought everything would work out on its own somehow."

He couldn't believe what was happening even after a few days have passed. He was so angry, and confused, and scared, and every day his hatred for everyone responsible became stronger. His own hatred would have frightened him, if he wouldn't get more and more sickening information of how his brother was mistreated every single day. He hated Rika, he hated V, and he wanted revenge for what happened to Saeran, and he did not hide it from anyone. The crushing sense of utter betrayal was almost too much to bear. Those two hurt his family enough to deserve punishment. No, not even punishment... He truly despised them with all his guts for what they did. Or, in V's case, for what he didn't do. Justice was nothing but a meaningless word to him now; it was simply about his own desires, his raging emotions, which he no longer controlled at all. He didn't care about justice. He just wanted to make them pay.

And yet... he hated himself most of all.

So... Saeran hated him, is that right? It felt like physical pain inside his soul. Debilitating and exhausting. Like a knife twisting itself slowly and mercilessly into his heart, draining the life out of him. Every new day that he learned more and more, it would only become an ever greater burden to bear, weighting on him heavier than anything he had to stomach in his miserable life so far. And God, did he have to stomach a lot. It pained him to imagine the absolute hell his brother went through, and he was unlikely to come to terms with it so soon, if ever. Saeran hated him... He was afraid of him... What did that insane woman even tell him? He doesn't know anything. And that frustrated to no end. Some part of him wanted to scream, to blow up at Natasha, to grab her by the shoulders, shake her and demand answers, but... He knew she wasn't to blame for any of this. She was a victim who just happened to get caught up in this mess.

And, despite having every right to get angry and leave them all behind, she stayed in this hospital: refusing to leave Saeran's side, visiting Jihyun on the daily, even bringing him food, ignoring his insistent refusals to eat. Most importantly of all, if it wasn't for her... God, he didn't even want to imagine what would have happened to Saeran if she didn't decide to go against him and leave back then. He shouldn't be angry with her.

So, he decided to leave before doing or saying something he would regret.

"...Yeah, you're probably right."

His own voice sounded a lot less emotional than he actually was on the inside... His chest hurt. The pain was getting stronger by the minute. It was unbearably painful to realize that he could evoke such negative emotions in Saeran just by his presence alone. He huffed. Perhaps this was too much for him again. Part of him still believed that Saeran or... Ray? That he would be able to recognize him and forgive him, by some stupid miracle. He understood that he still saw him as that quiet, kind, but frightened child he knew him as before, and that Saeran had already matured. Raised by Rika's lies and even more pain. Although now, taking everything into account, he began to feel more and more empty and hopeless about the whole situation. Why try to find out anything when he would receive test results after test results with a huge list of drugs in Saeran's system, when he would get told about how badly his brother's health has been neglected for years on end, and when his own family would look up at him with such a terrified expression.

With a colder look to his eyes, he stood up and headed out, still hanging his head low. After all these days, this was the first time he went out without there being an urgent need for it, even if it was only for a short time. Leaving Saeran now... He couldn't. He didn’t know what to do now and how to live on at all. What was the point of him continuing his work for the agency. But he had to finish it if he didn't want to put others in danger. He should never have forgotten this. That's not to mention the danger of Saeran being him, having his blood examined. What other choice did he have, though? It's not like he could take him out of the hospital when he was in such a critical condition. Damn it, his head was boiling again, no matter how hard he would try to concentrate and distract himself-

He felt the urge to break something.

𓈒 ﹒ ☆ 𓂂 ˚ ☆ ꙳ * ࣭ ࣭𓈒 ﹒ ☆ 𓂂

Natasha sighed, watching Seven leave with a gloomy expression on her face. Ugh... What happened between these two? She had the idea of going over to have a proper talk with Jihyun once he recovers enough for such a heavy conversation, but... Something told her that this would be a very long talk, for which she did not have the strength right now. Moreover, she felt guilty about hiding the truth from Seven. He looked very distressed... Even with her not knowing absolutely anything about the situation, she could understand that Ray was someone very important to him. Family is complicated, but... it shouldn't be this complicated, right?

However, at this moment, she should use what she has at her disposal. So, after a few more moments, she got up from her seat and wandered aimlessly towards the local cafeteria, typing out a short message to the redhaired hacker along the way that read: 'I'll bring you something to eat. I hope you feel better... If it means anything, I'm ready to listen.'

She had the impression that, if she didn't bring him any food, he would refuse to eat at all. Or, rather, just forget about it.

This situation was filled with nothing but sadness and secrets.

-Present time.-

Natasha was prepared for the next time Ray woke up. She put down her book, which she had been reading for the last hour or so, smiling a little towards the young man on the hospital bed. "Good morning!"

She tried her best to carry a positive and bright attitude with her, since Ray was so gloomy and unhappy... almost always, in fact. A sheepish laugh filled the room as she rubbed the back of her neck in an embarrassed manner.

"Yesterday you looked so upset and nervous, so I decided to give you a small gift to cheer you up a little." She pointed to a small vase placed onto his bedside table, a bouquet of various flowers placed in it in a somewhat clumsy manner. "Apparently, the clinic has a small botanical garden for patients to visit, and the personnel allowed me to bring you some flowers from it if I helped them out a little. I tried to choose the brightest ones with good meanings, so that they would brighten up your day a little."

The moment Ray woke up again, he rushed to find her with his blurry gaze. Although, before he could get all emotional over her apparently not disappearing or leaving like he expected her to, she successfully managed to distract his attention. That's good.

"For me...?"

A more genuine laugh slipped from her lips. "Well... Except for forget-me-nots. I just love forget-me-nots, and I haven't looked up their meaning. So, uh, don't pay any mind if they actually mean something bad. Other than that, I brought you some daisies, pink carnations, and white camellias! I can hand them over to you, if you want."

𓈒 ﹒ ☆ 𓂂 ˚ ☆ ꙳ * ࣭ ࣭𓈒 ﹒ ☆ 𓂂

He already could barely hold back his tears, realizing just how kind Natasha was being to him... Again and again... His heart began to flutter in a painfully familiar way, both scaring and overjoying him. He gave her flowers countless of times, but never got the chance to receive any himself. Not like he ever thought he would. Now he simply didn't know how to react to such a heartfelt gesture. This was just too much... Way more than he deserved, especially from her.

"You even chose the meanings... For me... I- Thank you... They are so beautiful."

God, they were great. They went together so gracefully and their meanings... Oh, even her smile was so... sweet and lovely to look at. Like a mirage that would fade from his line of vision with a single blink. Ray never deserved to even stand next to her, much less receive something so meaningful from her! The former hacker started fidgeting with the sheets nervously, but he still hoped that his words would reflect the gratitude he felt.

"Thank you very much. They are truly wonderful. I... I don't know what to say, I'm sorry. It's so much... for me..." He lowered his head, feeling guilty for reacting this way to her gesture. He couldn't even thank her properly... Not like his body could move in a way he wanted it to, anyways.

"Hey, no need to apologize. I wanted to do this." Natasha smiled, making his heart squeeze in his chest.

As usual, he was useless.

𓈒 ﹒ ☆ 𓂂 ˚ ☆ ꙳ * ࣭ ࣭𓈒 ﹒ ☆ 𓂂

The former assistant sat down on a chair near his bed and smiled. "Besides, it's the least I can do, don't worry. I don't expect anything in return. I'm sure it's not very nice to be locked up in a room like this all the time. Even I don't like visiting doctors, let alone staying in a hospital, I can't imagine how this feels like for you. How are you feeling? Does anything hurt?"

With a hint of worry in her eyes, she tilted her head to the side and assessed his condition. She had little experience with visiting hospitals... But even if she did have the universal experience of getting stuck in the hospital due to a broken leg or a stupid injury, it still hardly would have prepared her for something like this.

She never thought she would see Ray like this, that she would see any person she knew like this. But, in the end... Jihyun is still recovering from his surgery and, thankfully, seemed to be recovering well, and Ray... It hurt to even look at Ray.

She understood that she should rejoice in the simple fact of him even being alive and not suffering anything worse than this, but... Even the doctors could not say anything for sure yet, since they were never able to examine him after he woke up. She had no idea how to bring this entire topic up to him. Like a dozen of other topics, each more unpleasant than the last. So much had happened in such a short period of time that even she felt overwhelmed, and she had no idea what it was like to be in his shoes. This is only his third awakening so far, and if the first one turned out to be a disaster, then in the second one, he hardly had enough strength for a normal conversation, and she didn’t have time to tell him... anything, really.

How was she supposed to bring up such heavy topics when it's clearly not the time for it? He almost died! How can she explain what happened to Mint Eye? What his new reality entailed for him? About everything that awaited him in the hospital? About his injuries? About Rika? About everything that happened between her and Jihyun during this time? And... about Seven...? It's simply... too much! She didn't want to talk about any of this! It's... just not fair, not fair at all. But, then again, none of this was fair from the very beginning. Everything always happened too fast, too cruelly and too unfairly, and Natasha couldn't do anything about it. Only adjust to it.

The majority of his body was covered by bandages and compressions, with some areas being more dense than others. She did not know the details of his burns and injuries... But even a fool would see that everything was quite serious. The dressings on his head, covering one half of his face, involuntarily would bring to mind the worst of thoughts, but... it seemed like, by some miracle, he did not lose his eye. Ugh, she really should find out more about his condition.

She sighed, biting her lip and squeezing her hands in her lap, as if she wanted to say something. She had no idea what words were stuck on the tip of her tongue. There was simply too much she wanted to say and not enough time to say it all.

"Ray I-"

She stopped mid-sentence. Her gaze became fixed on the modest bouquet she had brought him, and then on his left hand, where the white bandages that were now painfully familiar covered his skin. Suddenly, she found a huge lump forming in the middle of her throat, restricting her ability to breathe. Everything seemed to fall back onto her shoulders again in a second.

"Natasha...?" Ray's voice sounded muffled through the rising white noise filling her senses.

The horrifying news of what Rika had done to Jihyun, the general panic that set in right after, the alarming messages she got from Ray, the disgusting twisting in her stomach as she raced along the rough mountain roads, praying to all the Gods there were for her not crash the car on the way. The deafening roar of the explosion and the cursed stench of smoke, which now always would make her hands tremble whenever she smelled something burning. The way this very same acrid smoke penetrated her lungs, burned her nose and throat, as it seemed to her that she would simply suffocate and die right then and there, unable to save or help anyone. The sight of Ray, bloodied, burned, and barely breathing in her lap - something that now remained forever ingrained into her memory, haunting her nightmares ever since. Nightmares where he... where everything ends very differently and way more tragically. The way his blood was all over her clothes and her hands as she desperately tried to keep the pressure on one of his worst wounds on their way to the hospital.

And how... how that long wait felt. Not knowing what answer awaited her. Not knowing anything.

This time, Natasha couldn't put on a strong facade like she did for him last time. It was not possible for her to smile and calm him.

Instead, large, ugly tears rolled down her cheeks without any signs of stopping, and, with one hoarse pitiful sob, Natasha bent over in her chair, lowering her head in front of him and letting the salty drops fall onto the white sheets, leaving behind tiny spots of gray.

"I'm really- Really sorry."

Her voice sounded quiet and weak. Vulnerable. She understood that her stupid tears would not solve anything, that she needed to be his pillar of support right now, that she needed to explain to him as much as possible and help with all his burdens, but... She just... couldn't. She was weak. She was not at all as strong as Jihyun, Jumin and the rest of RFA saw her as.

She took a shuddering, shaky breath, one that burned her lungs in a painfully similar way they burned on that cursed day. She was like a little child trying to hold back her tears, but only failing in the process. Incoherent words rolled out of her mouth like a waterfall.

"I never- I didn't think- Ray..." It seems that only now had she fully realized what could have happened, and what it truly meant for her to be able to call him by his name like that. Ugh... She was a complete disaster. She clung to his name, refusing to let go, like it was a mantra.

Ray seemed to open his mouth to try and say something, but nothing came out. Or, maybe she simply didn't hear it. Neither option would surprise her.

"Ray, Ray, Ray..."

He was still alive. He was here. He was okay. It was just a name. And yet, it felt like something much bigger now. Proof that he was real, and not just a dream or a hallucination.

Another trembling sob wrecked her body, and Natasha clutched a small piece of the blanket in her hands, as if trying to ground herself with it. "I'm just- I-I'm so glad you're alive. I'm so glad I get to see you again."

In a state of emotional turmoil, harsh words almost came out.

What motivated you to do such a thing? What were you thinking?

Fortunately, she had enough self-control to resist those impulsive thoughts. Instead, she sniffled, continuing to let fresh tears fall from her eyes.

Ah... This was the first time she cried since the whole thing happened. She just realized it now. Maybe that's why she was feeling so overwhelmed?

"I... I... I missed you too, you know."

You're so stupid.

"Don't go anywhere. Not... not like that, do you hear me? Stay. Stay with me and don't do anything- to yourself. Please..."

The last words she spoke caused scary images to appear before her eyes, which is why she immediately closed them, not wanting to see any of them. Not wanting to even think about them. What did he think about back then, in the last seconds before the bomb went off...? Was he scared? Or had he already become so resigned to this outcome that he was waiting for it? She didn't want to know.

As she thought about it, a lump of bile rose violently in her throat.

Why did everything... have to end up like this...?

𓈒 ﹒ ☆ 𓂂 ˚ ☆ ꙳ * ࣭ ࣭𓈒 ﹒ ☆ 𓂂

Ray's expression slowly shifted from concern to something akin to panic as he saw tears appear in her eyes. He never saw her cry before... Not in front of him. It made his whole body grow cold with dread. He didn't understand what happened. What did he do to cause such a reaction in her? Usually he tried not to move a single muscle to avoid the pain, but, now, he automatically put his hand on the top of her head. The pain from this movement did return, but in a dulled out form, as he was focusing on something else right now. And yet her last words gave him a hint, making him feel sick to his stomach from the memory. He didn't expect... that someone would care about him like that. But, now he noticed how pale her face was, her eyes, which had completely lost their former dazzling shine of emerald green he loved so much, her usually neatly brushed out hair now tied in a messy bun that did not look comfortable at all. All this was the result of stress, shock and many hours spent here, next to him. It's... his fault. Her pain was his fault.

“What happened, Natasha? Don’t... Don’t cry, I beg you. Is it because of me? Don't. Don't cry for me, please."

At that time, he believed that no one needed him. She left with V, Mint Eye was destroyed, he was left all alone. He didn't think... that she would return to him. If it weren't for her, he wouldn't have woken up again. This thought gave rise to an unpleasant feeling in his chest. Although... He still wasn't sure of anything. He had little understanding of all the consequences his final decision would bring him. What would happen to him now, what was to come. He didn't have time to think about it, and he deliberately avoided the topic as if nothing had happened. But he wouldn't be able to deny it for long: he changed when he made up his mind back in Magenta, and he changed when he woke up again.

Don't go?

What would have happened to her if she didn’t make it? Natasha was with him all this time, every day, she sat here and waited for him to wake up. He put her through hell, and he didn't even know how much damage he caused her on that fateful day. What if he died in her arms. What would have happened to her then? How would he hurt her? Would she blame herself for his death? Crushing guilt filled his entire being. He was so selfish... These questions were too difficult for him to answer.

"Forgive me, I didn't mean to... hurt you." He looked down blankly. "Do you consider me that important to you? I made you go through so much. You should hate me by now... Why do you suffer so much for me?"

Both of them had a lot to discuss.

#mystic messenger #mysmes #mysme #mm #saeran choi #vae ray #vae saeran #vae ray x cmc #saeran x cmc #vae ray x oc #saeran x oc #oc natasha stakh #vae ray x natasha #saeran x natasha #will add an ao3 link once i post the series there 💀#anyways WOOO big project done i am happy #idk if the constant switching of pov is interesting to read so i might drop it in the later chapters??? i don't know??? we'll see #self indulged cmc writing go!!

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asterjennifer · 1 year

Text

Mark

Fandom: Mystic Messenger

Pairing: Saeran & Saeyoung (& V)

Word count: 2,599

After so long apart, it was inevitable for them to me again.

He resigned to the idea that's been feed to him. However, his other half isn't exactly thinking the same.

The moment they stood together in front of the big doors forced his heart to swell up into his throat. The wodden color of warm brown reached his consciousness only in vague shapes, he couldn't really focus on a specific detail on the door. He stood as straight as a candle; unsure how to approach the entire situation.

“Do you need some more time?”

Jihyun's voice was soft when reaching out to the younger man beside him, stiffer than he'd like to admit. His voice was welcoming, warm even the moment he noticed his distress, however, he only shook his head.

“No, no… I am okay. Let's go inside.”

Mint colored hair fell forward after Jihyun titled his head to see his face better; much to his displeasure. He breathed through before rocking back to his heels for a second, taking in more air. It would be fine and it's nothing that's having business leaving his heart to almost hammer out of his chest.

The two, big hands on his shoulders caught him off guard. Turned with ease in order to be face to face, and Jihyun looked at him the way he'd done quite a lot lately. Fresh determination inside his shining eyes that paired ever so well with the new found calm he'd claimed over time. Yet a honest expression of strict feelings that kept his face wrinkle free.

“I mean it, Saeran. If you feel too nervous then we can go in a little later. This small amount of time won't do anything.”

He hushed his racing brain one more time. For a moment he's speechless, wondering how often that actually happened over the short years he spend alongside his old guardian. It's not that he's not wanting to see these familiar faces, it's everything evolving around them. He didn't know what's changed about them specifically. He sighed when closing his eyes, reaching up to put his hand over Jihyun's.

“I'm okay.” He promised firmer. “Please… Just go in first, that way I have a second to process my surroundings.”

Jihyun kept his eyes straight as if trying to see through his soul for any particular lie. But Saeran meant it; he's ready despite his nerves threatening to snap. The older one took in a deep breath, patting his shoulder much too gently and finally letting go of him.

“Okay then. Let's meet them.”

Without another exchange of looks or words, Jihyun grabbed the doorknobs and turned them open. The noises of the party broke through immediately and the atmosphere did a one-eighty considering the smell of food, drinks and people hit forcefully. The lights inside the big hall lightning up the main floor brightly, a little too bright in Saeran's opinion.

He blinked at the pain it caused, lifting his hand up out of reflex. He didn't expect to find so many people in the room, he'd suspected perhaps hundred. Two hundred maximum. But this easily could've been a doubled number of faces, it caused his hands to shake from the pressure he's suddenly finding himself under.

“Don't worry.” Jihyun's voice reached out between the million others.

Saeran watched how he offered his hand in the middle of public. The smile lingering on the older one's face between doting and considerate, could be both at once for all he knew. It's embarrassing given some of the strangers already turned their attention to the scene he's involved in. Although it's maybe childish in some sense he's unwilling to see, he took Jihyun's hand tightly.

It's an instant reassurance that he's not alone right in the heat of the moment. Jihyun had strangely developed this trait of providing him his hand when seemingly overwhelmed. Not that Saeran complained, it's a nice gesture of care. It's difficult to get used to regardless. He's more than grateful though, it's not something somebody has given to him that openly before.

Jihyun began to lead them through the mass skillfully, like he knew exactly where to go. The people's voices lingered in his ears as the shimmer of the stage at the right side of the room kept attacking his eyes. The red curtains fit perfectly well to the red carpet running along the entire floor. The walls a golden touch, exactly like the lights and pattern in the ceiling.

He felt out of place by how fancy everything appeared. It's not quite right he was going across this hall. This very building he'd sworn to tear down one day, bury the dust deep into the ground right next to its occupiers. Days became blurry afterwards and now it could be laying back centuries ago, on the other hand it's just yesterday where he thought of demolishing it all.

“Wait here, Saeran. I will announce your presence as soon as I spoke to them.”

Fuzzy feeling, he thought to himself. His own steps came to an standstill, Jihyun let go of his hand altogether and suddenly he stood by himself behind the stage inside the darker part of the party. Ironical, a little fainted voice in the back of his head mumbled, quickly he suppressed it.

He peeked around the corner due to his insatiable curiosity. His hand against the wall's burning and he's certain the place itself is already flaming independently. But finally he could see them all in the very center of their successes.

Jaehee and Jumin stood with their usual professional attitude when discussing something that must've been important as usual. Yoosung and Zen lending an helping hand since the blond college student carried a list of his own. They looked… carefree. Happy. But there were two faces that had oxygen pressed out of Saeran's lungs right away.

She's present, too. He'd not seen her in what felt like an eternity. Eternity? Eternal...? The memories bubbled up to the surface when seeing her smile beam underneath the artificial light. She wore a pink dress, exactly how she did the day she arrived at Mint Eye two years ago. A lot more fancy today, of course. Her hair's braided back, showing the every inch of her face which hadn't changed in the slightest.

She was still pretty. Still the girl owning positive vibes, lovely attitude with her hands always being busy in some way or another. He'd not expected to feel his cheeks get warmer at the sight of her; especially now where the issue at hand wasn't his territory to play in. She's not the only face leaving his knees to wobble, though.

That red hair of childhood struck harder than prayed; the string of bitterness rose into his mouth. He wore these glasses he didn't even need in the first place. That happy suit in a lot more brighter shade than any of the two ever preferred. They both liked dark clothing most. It's true, his brother was an adult now. Simultaneously he's stayed the boy that he'd been since forever.

So many feelings woke up in a single second, just watching them laugh, speak and interact that easily with each other's concerning. They acted as themselves without a care in the world to play pretend. The RFA truly reminded of a close family.

“I've been waiting for this moment.”

Jihyun told her, to which she gazed back in confusion at first. Not long after her face shifted into pure shock, all their reactions were similar when thinking about it. Saeran's hand on the edge of the wall had strengthen the grip drastically until the tips of his fingers turned whiter than his skin.

No, he couldn't do this. Seeing them this way, peaceful and complete, where's his right interrupting this for the countless time? V assured he's wanted numerous times throughout their recovery together. Telling him they were searching, praying he survived in order to meet. Was it true?

Right there in the shadows of the greater good, far away and known by only the cloak of invisibility, he was home. All his life he's spend time in the dark by himself. There was too much light that it burned his retina, the warmth of the room letting sweat run down his back uncomfortably. This wasn't his home in the past, it wouldn't be in the presence and never be in the future.

The urge to turn on his heels and run until his body broke down filled his veins. He couldn't meet them like this, they shouldn't see him. He remembered well what exactly he'd done to the members of the organization and no matter how much time passed; this couldn't be his life. It implied so much happiness. That's nothing he's confident believing in. He couldn't be that happy without consequences.

“I have a news many of you wouldn't have expected – I'd like to introduce a new member of the RFA.”

Jihyun's tone of excitement tore him from spinning thoughts circling around his head. His body took a step back due to fear; he's aware what's about to happen. He didn't want it. He could not want it.

“I should have discussed it beforehand with the rest, but time was not so gracious with me.”

The short hint of a chuckle made Saeran's stomach sink. He couldn't smile at them if they were to find his presence soon. Should he shake hands with them? Apologize for all the destruction he'd done? Be silent and simply stand in the corner like decoration? He didn't know. Unconscious, his scar itched until he scratched it slightly.

“A new member...? But he did not discuss anything with us..” Jumin questioned.

Yoosung followed with a suspicious hint to his voice. “I think my skin is crawling right now..”

He swallowed, it's not that easy making out their words despite the short distance. People shut their mouths one after another; he's feeling the tips of his ears pulse the longer he was conscious of his body. He pressed a fist out of pure helplessness against his chest, hard and tight.

“Please give a round of applause for our newest member.”

And suddenly people were actually clapping. Saeran knew they're waiting for him, his mind went completely blank when acting on auto pilot, coming forth from the wall into the lightened side of the party hall. A variety of eyes staring holes through his tense limbs; there's not a single thing on his mind other than staring back.

He grazed the RFA, not one without wide eyes coming back. However, the second he met the ones oh-so very familiar, he's stuck in a slow motion. Saeoyung stood right there in front of him, mouth hanging open it what he assumed to be bewilderment.

“Saeran!!!”

“..!?”

It scared him to the bone. Hearing his own name being shouted by a voice he'd never imagine would even remember his existence. His ocean colored eyes widened in a different kind of shock as his older twin brother urged forward clumsily.

“You're Saeran, aren't you? It must be you!”

He yelped way too loud, way too emotional. His amber started getting wet once the tears reached the corners. Saeran felt torn, unable to keep his eyes at one point of the other's face. Exactly like before, he was left speechless. The hug that followed only added oil to the flames. His arms shot up instinctively; out of unwell emotions he'd rather forget about.

“You're alive. Thank you so much for being alive.”

The hug's strong and content, the grasp of his brother something he's sure he couldn't ever escape. His body continued to have grown a few inches taller than him, a little bigger than him, a little healthier and stronger. Nonetheless, Saeran wasn't sure who of them was weaker in that second.

“...See? I told you there is nothing to worry about.”

Jihyun tried talking to Saeran, affirmation of that kind he's not yet used to. He started shaking from head to toe, then. That scent knocking him over internally, reminding him of the ice cream under the sunny sky they shared in the past. That weird unconditional love he gave up shamefully quick.

“It must be you. Say something, Saeran...”

He pulled back to take him by the upper arms, for a brief thought he worried Saeoyung would shake him. Instead he stared in obvious desperation. What could he say? What should he say? It's luck he's standing on his feet right now and didn't fainted in the middle of the charity event.

“Saeran. It feels like you'd go away if I hold you. Don't go away! Don't you ever leave me now!”

God they pierced through deeply, each and every single world of that stupid man across from him. He shook his head slightly; unable to think of anything or find an action that could prove he's not mentally absent. Saeoyung's torturing stare finally broke away because of Jihyun, who stood behind him with the rest.

“Thanks, V. You have my gratitude for eternity.” His voice slipped at the edges.

“You saved my brother, didn't you?”

Jihyun's warm smile twisted into a painful one. “…I'm sorry I hurt him in the first place.”

He only received half of their conversation, busy scanning his other half closely. The last time he had seen his brother's face that up close was...

“.. You remember me. Even though my face is like... what it's like now.”

The second the meaning fell over his lips, he felt stupid. Supposedly should've said something touching or real for the thick air to finally dissolve. Saeyoung's head snapped back, eyebrows rising as high as they could as his grip tightened to the point of edging on hurtful.

“What are you talking about? Of course I remember my brother.”

Why did this hurt so much, but at the same time got this immense weight of doubt and shame falling down his shoulders in featherlight manner? Why did hearing that connection coming out of the other's mouth had him want to cry his soul out of his body? Why was he cursed to be melancholic even in the moments of true happiness?

“Let's never part again. Now let's stay together, safe and sound.”

Saeyoung pulled him into another hug, almost more aggressive then the one previously. Saeran this time managed laying his arms around his brother in return; to actually take hold of him after he's been unreachable for years. An emotional flame right there underneath his skin, immeasurable in comparison to a wildfire.

“...Saeyoung.”

There. He said the name out loud. A name so very conflicting to his heart. Going from the most precious word, to an insult to his faith and back to something soothing. The looks of the other RFA members filled to the brim with empathy, sadly Saeran didn't realize. He registered his own tears that ran down his cheeks, becoming more and more the longer he held his brother.

“It IS you...”

Feeling the nod, Saeyoung buried his face into the crock of his neck. The shaking of his shape unmistakably a sign of a silent cry with which Saeran was more familiar with than enjoyable. Instead of thinking over past memories, he gave the tears a pass since they're liberating. Hugging back and hiding into the suit of his older brother, mimicking his doing, almost too close to breathe properly. Yet neither could care one bit.

They stood there for mintues inside each other's arms. Hours? He didn't need to know. All he needed was to internalize the fact he finally go back the one thing he's been craving all his life. Looking for, fighting for in the first place. Crying out for endless times.

His family.

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