#adoption advocacy

[theanonymousadoptee]

Okay, Let's Talk About It: Adoption TV PSAs? Commercials? Ads?

Has anyone noticed the increasing number of adoption and foster care commercials on TV (adoption commercials in particular)? As someone who is old enough to remember them as a rarity at, like, 2 am on a news channel if you kept the TV on for background noise, it's harder to ignore when the appearance of one occurs at the start of every local news commercial break.

I'll be honest, as a child seeing them, I always kind of found them unsettling. I wasn't sure why, but I'd watch them and laugh at how much of a caricature it was of my life. What white people think adoption is, The kids, ugh, the kids on these commercials too that feel obligated to lie to please the people who were so gracious enough to open their home to you like the Little Orphan Annie. *insert eye-roll here*

I saw one last night, not too long after the Nuggets game, and when I was uploading an article to Medium, I added "#adoption," and there were 137 people who followed that tag. I also added "#adoptee." wanna know how many people follow that tag? Seven. That tells me 130 people are looking to adopt a child or are already adoptive parents. Seven adoptees, the people who are the ones being given to another family, are being vastly underrepresented. According to the latest data from the U.S. Department of State, there were approximately 4,059 international adoptions by U.S. citizens in 2019. It's not clear how many adoptees are currently living in the United States overall. Still, according to Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, an estimated 1.5 million adopted children live in the United States; how is it that on a platform that boasts 60 million monthly active readers, only 7 follow the hashtag "adoption?"

It clicked for me why I found the commercials so unsettling. The overly optimistic commercials fail to convey the difficulty of adopting a child, especially one that is in the foster care system and is older or is of a different race than the adoptive parents. What's funny is even as I write this, AI has suggested my following sentence be:Adoption agencies often provide resources to help families overcome these barriers," when in fact, they kind of don't. They only ever end up benefiting the parents. Adoption records are beginning to open up to those who even have such records. However, "non-identifying" information is still the "go-to" for most states, including the state I was born in (Missouri) and the state I live in (Ohio).

The problem is that these agencies can offer all the help they want; it won't matter. It won't matter until we change the stigma around adoption. Adoptees need a safe place to speak about the pain of their adoption loss and grief without feeling guilty or shameful for feeling the way they do. We won't open up about our experiences because we don't want to make our adoptive parents feel bad when we ask questions. We don't want them to feel like they're being replaced. Frequently, even wanting to know where we come from makes us feel guilty because we shouldn't want to know. After all, they aren't the ones who raised us. The entire existence of an adoptee is a contradiction. Contradictions between feelings, belonging, and identity are everyday struggles.

These commercials are unsettling because they do not accurately portray the pain that all parties feel during the adoption process. Ann Fessler addresses this directly in her book, "The Girls Who Went Away," when she says, quote: "Adoption is, by its very nature, a painful process, one that brings into sharp relief the loss felt by all parties involved: the adoptive parents who long for a child; the birth mother who may never forget the child she gave away; and the adoptee who, even in the most secure and loving home, feels the sting of being separated from their biological roots." Fessler makes a compelling point here, prompting us to think about the adoptive parent's loss in all of this, seeing as they will never look into their child's face and see themselves reflected in them. Some adoptive mothers will never know what it feels like to carry a baby in their stomachs, to feel the baby kick and move and squirm, or experience food cravings or hormones, they'll never know the pain of birth, nor will they have any advice to offer when their adopted children consider becoming parents and having children of their own.

This kind of loss is devastating for all parties. The overly optimistic and cheerful tone represented in pro-adoption commercials frustrates me because it just doesn't accurately reflect the reality of being an adoptee. If it did, outsiders wouldn't feel comfortable saying "be grateful" when a disagreement occurs between parent and child. People wouldn't say to you as an adoptee, "Oh, I'm so sorry," when you tell them you're adopted, and "Oh, how wonderful of you" when your adoptive mom tells them.

Look, I'm not claiming that this is some easy thing to navigate, but an honest conversation needs to be had here because judging by the quantity of these commercials, the fact that they're government funded, and aired on prime-time television, I'd wager all of the GOP's abortion bans are backfiring, because if this doesn't scream "propaganda," I'm not sure what does.

I don't know what the path forward is. Banning abortion isn't the solution. If anything, that would exacerbate the issue, and using adoption as an alternative to abortion isn't the move; I don't know that I believe adoption is a viable solution anymore because I'm not sure there is a way to mitigate the potential damage that can be caused. Whatever route is taken, we need to put the needs of children first. We can all agree a lot of time and energy goes into helping both parents (adoptive and biological) cope with their grief and loss. At the same time, the child's mental health and development essentially go ignored. This needs to change before we start telling prospective parents how great it is to be an adoptive parent and what it means to be a parent to a child suffering from adoption loss and grief. Adoptive parenting is a meaningful journey filled with unique challenges and rewards. It requires patience, empathy, and understanding to nurture a healthy attachment. Making sure that adoptees feel loved and supported can lead to a positive and fulfilling life for all parties involved.

#adopted #adoptee #adoptee voices #adoption #family #television #government psas #awareness #adoption advocacy #advocacy #theanonymousadoptee #transracial family #found family #psychology #sociology

[allkindsofadvocacy]

Find Me Friday: Heinrich, Mathis, & Summer!

Logo that says Reece’s Rainbow Special Needs Adoption Support in blue, below a blue & yellow paint stroke rainbow graphic with a yellow Ukrainian trident symbol on the right half. In this series, each Friday, I want to share a different child or group of children with you who are available for adoption and listed through the adoption advocacy website Reece’s Rainbow. All the kids who are listed…

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#accessible post #adoption advocacy #atopic dermatitis #autistic #available to married couples #cleft palate #disability adoption #Down Syndrome #Eastern Europe adoption #education #Fetal Alcohol Syndrome #Find Me Friday #heart murmur #Heinrich #hydrocephalus #Mathis #medical history #mixed developmental disorder #older child adoption #older child grant #Reece&039;s Rainbow #waiting children

[queerly-autistic]

My dad just messaged me going "seeing all this 'Save OFMD' stuff made me realise some things never change" and attached a load of pictures he'd dug up from fifteen years ago of me in my 'Save Ianto Jones' fan campaign era.

As much as it made me laugh, it also made me think about something that I've not talked about before: the fact that this is what introduced me to campaigning.

I was a very lost queer (undiagnosed autistic) kid, bullied and lonely and keenly aware that there were a lot of bad things happening in the world, but I had no idea how to begin to even try to change things, or even any awareness that there was anything I could do to change anything.

And then my favourite show killed off my favourite character, and I suddenly accidentally found myself swept up in the mobilisation (without even realising that that was what was happening) of the fan community around me. It's where I learned about the idea of campaigning as, y'know, a thing that I could do. It introduced me to the concept that I could actively try and do things to make a change I wanted to see in the world.

And now that's my actual literal real world adult job. This is what I do in my 9-to-5. Some of the skills I learned and developed at seventeen (and the lessons from the fuck-ups - oh boy there were many of those because I was seventeen) trying to get the BBC to un-dead my favourite bisexual welshman are skills that I now use every day to actually create change (such as writing persuasive emails to influence a specific target).

And I've also used them outside of the 9-5 in the smaller grassroots campaigns I've been involved with. For example, the skills I learned from a fan campaign when I was a teenager helped me play a small part in stopping the deportation of young autistic man, and potentially saved his life.

There's a HUGE amount of crossover/symbiosis between fan campaigns and 'real world' campaigning. A huge number of people involved in these fan campaigns are already involved in organising (or at the very least supporting/donating) for 'real world' issues. And, if they're not, then a fan campaign may well be their introduction to campaigning - a 'wow ok so I can actually do this' moment that inspires them to start pushing for change on other issues too.

It's fantastic if someone goes 'hey, I managed to call Netflix about picking up Our Flag Means Death, which has made me realise maybe I can also cope with picking up the phone to call my political representatives about [insert other issue here]' - and if the strategies they put in place to help them do the Netflix phone call also help them do the political phone calls as well, then that's absolutely brilliant.

The same with getting experience/confidence writing emails, or learning how to create and push a hashtag on social media, or realising the power of taking mass actions (like signing a petition). It even goes so far as inspiring people to follow up a fan campaign donation with an additional donation to a good cause, and helping direct them to some good charities/initiatives to donate to (because sometimes knowing which are the right ones to send your money too is very hard). These are all skills and experiences that can help build both confidence and understanding of how to get involved with campaigning for change, and these are absolutely transferrable to an infinite number of causes.

It's about people feeling empowered to take action: feeling like they can do it, that it's tangible to them as something they can do, and giving them the tools to do it. The endgame in real world advocacy and campaigning is getting stuff done: petitions signed, phone calls made, emails sent, donations collected, rallies attended.

And no one (outside of the internet moral purity police) cares if your journey getting there started with a fan campaign.

#erin waffles #save ofmd #save our flag means death #renew ofmd #renew our flag means death #adopt our crew #ianto jones #torchwood #save ianto jones #advocacy #campaigning #look at me in these pictures i'm a fetus

[fosterwhat]

I’m still in shock.

The kids are getting adopted this year!!!

#this is foster care #felix #greta #this will be adoption #foster care advocacy #foster care adoption #adoption

[roobylavender]

you know what would automatically change my hatred to love for sasusaku? If their genders were reversed. Majority of the reason why I hate sasuke and sakura relationship is because the type of environment and the culture I grew up in where it's been fed to women since basically birth to always be faithful to her man no matter how terrible he treats her, even after marriage. The pharse, "Just be patient and he will change", infuriates me to another level. Seeing sakura chasing after sasuke throughout the series after numerous rejections and an attempted MURDER on her by him made me roll my eyes so hard like girl just move the fuck on omfg. And even after their "marriage" sasuke's treatment towards her doesn't get better lmao, leaving her alone with a whole ass child to take care by herself?? BYE sakura's patience for him is outmatch cus I would've divorced his ass for that. Though, the more I mature, little by little I begin to understand the complexity of their relationship after putting my gender issues aside for a second and look deep into them. And especially now, after reading your perspective on their whole relationship, it really did made half of my hatred go away and understand the relationship wholeheartedly. Like yeah, I absolutely love the trope of one person saying they don't deserve the other person's love but the other person keep loving them anyway, that stuff makes me giggle and swing my legs in the air and shit. It's just that the only way this trope would work for me if the person loving them has enough self-respect for themselves AND if it's a girl in the former & the guy in the latter. And honestly, I found naruto being borderline obsessed with sasuke annoying too but the reason why I can digest it more well is because naruto can go head to head with sasuke without backing down. Like, I wanted to see at least ONCE sakura having a heated argument with sasuke, or punch him in the face in the series. I feel like sasuke deserves a punch from her at the very least 🤷🏽‍♀️

Sigh, I really did wanna love their relationship and their journey to love (that scene of him catching her when she was about to fall and then having that iconic eye contact had me feeling butterflies ngl) since it has all the tropes I love but the execution is just so...

i mean if it helps any i absolutely hate post-canon and that's where my primary divide with most sasusaku fans lies 😭 i'm not sure if you read the blue-plums post i reblogged but it's a good dissection of why exactly it fails as a conclusion to both their individual arcs and their relationship arc generally. the post-canon we see is a direct answer to what sasuke's and sakura's dreams are at the start of the series, but the problem with this is that sasuke and sakura are nowhere near being the same people at the end of the series as they were at the start. generally, i don't think post-canon really takes the individual arc of any character into much account. its primary goal is maintaining the status quo with a slight veneer of friendship power draped over it for aesthetics. but nothing at the root is changed despite every traumatic development the characters were relentlessly subjected to. resultantly, you're left with a portrayal of sasuke as a neglectful father who glorifies the lone-wolf hero trope, which goes against everything he could possibly have learned from itachi; and you're left with a portrayal of sakura as someone content to keep house despite the bulk of her character arc being grounded in her ability and desire to take initiative not only at home, but abroad. it's not true to who either of them is by that point and, even more than that, it's a disservice to everything they've put themselves through for the sake of the love they were vying for. so while i love sasusaku as it progresses up through 699, i tend to wholeheartedly ignore whatever comes after and relegate that instead to either my own imagination or blue-plums's in her fics

what i will say about the naruto and sakura distinction is that a lot of people are more comfortable with how sasuke reacts to naruto bc they believe what naruto is doing is right. it's kind of like: if the only thing sasuke will realistically respond to is violence then obv naruto can resort to that violence without dwelling on it too much. but if you think about violence in the context of sasuke's entire life, it's not actually helpful at all beyond its ability to physically bring him to a grinding halt. even when naruto finally breaks through to sasuke, it's not the violence that makes things click for him. it's the words he says after, and it's the words he's always said before that that have stayed in sasuke's mind. violence, in contrast, is a poisonous thing for sasuke bc it's the only thing that has defined the parameters of his entire life. it robbed him of every person he cared about prior to his meeting team seven, and inevitably it intimidated him into seeking out more violence once he realized that he was incapable of saving the new people he'd come to care about as well. everything, at the root, was driven by sasuke's traumatically-exacerbated response to love and loss. the idea of losing naruto and sakura to the hands of anyone else was unbearable. so he decided that he'd rather have killed them himself. it was absolutely irrational. but a twelve year old child put through that kind of successive, relentless trauma was never going to think rationally, and certainly not after being exploited by people like orochimaru and obito (and to an extent itachi) in turn

all of this to say: there is of course a gendered aspect to the fact that sakura's response to sasuke is markedly not violence. but i also think people sort of refuse to dissect her response any further and esp in context of the narrative itself. despite being the hallmark of rationality within the team and perhaps even the series, sakura was inevitably always driven by the value she placed on humanity. it would've been so easy and rational and "right" to kill sasuke bc he was an insurgent, a terrorist, a danger to public safety, etc. but sakura knew it was more complicated than that. even without knowing about the intricacies of the uchiha massacre she'd been a witness to his suffering and struggle and helplessness. she was as much unable to kill him bc of her love for him as she was unable to kill him bc she knew it wouldn't be right. bc really, what would it solve. sasuke being written off or dying would accomplish nothing bc he would become one more person in the long line of victims to nationalism and the military-industrial complex. while naruto's desire to retrieve sasuke was driven by his love for him it was also driven by the fact that he was stubborn and relentless and refused to give up on people. if you won't believe in yourself i'll beat the belief into you. it's a very shounen-esque trait. in contrast, sakura's desire to retrieve sakura, while also driven by her love for him, was significantly driven by her ability to see that sasuke needed help. in fact, that's all she ever wanted him to get: help. and it would be one thing for this to be an isolated desire but when you read it in context of her own goals as a medic and a mental health professional, her unwavering belief in sasuke is a lot more striking. she was the only person in the entire narrative who never resorted to violence as a solution to sasuke's problems. and she was angry, to be sure. much as she loves him the struggle to bring him back and convince him that he was worthy of love and healing left her emotionally exhausted. but they're also children at the end of the day. she could've been angry at him, or naruto could've been angry him, and in the end none of it would've mattered in the face of knowing they'd finally gotten through to him. he had a smile on his face, he didn't have an arm anymore, and for the first time in his life he met a loss with utter peace and content. it was a thing of miracles after six years of relentless grief and sorrow, and nothing else could've been on their mind.

at the end of the day, team seven's love for sasuke isn't rational. the farthest thing from it, really. but that's what makes it so radical in context. if love in naruto was only ever meant to be rational then hardly anyone would survive. love was always written as an act of defiance and for however subtle the depiction sakura exemplified it

#this is already so long i won't ramble any further in the text bc i've gotten across my point #but tldr you're totally valid! like honestly a lot of sasusaku fans tend to take the full scope of post-canon as gospel and it's infuriatin #and it definitely panders to a lot of gendered stereotypes #the relationship is i think way easier to digest if you isolate 1-699 and then pretend none of the rest exists lol #me personally i want sasuke to go on travels and meet lots of orphans and dedicate himself to humanitarian work #and i want sakura to do her mental hospital thing and research and advocacy at the village #before the projects she works on inevitably extend to intervillage endeavors #it's a nice way for both her and sasuke to explore their respective itches while also doing something that overlaps #with what the other person is doing. i am also a gazillion times more inclined towards them adopting an orphan #than i am towards the idea of them getting traditional married and having a traditional family and birthing traditional babies. boh-ring #i have a post somewhere on my old blog but to Me it would be revolutionary for sasuke to separate himself from the idea that the #only real bonds are those borne in blood. bc all that matters is love. i think adoption would be a really good personification of that idea #also occasionally they can come back to konoha and do silly couple things. like go to the farmers market and plant flowers #and harvest tomatoes. househusband sasuke and workaholic sakura. my dream combination truly #outbox

[katastrophickim]

I adore animals. Tell me about your babies!🖤

Odie - He’s my two year chihuahua dachshund mix. He’s a silly little man. He’s the most hyper dog I have ever met. Sometimes I don’t think he’s got anything but “run run run” going thru his noggin lol.

Gypsy - She is my 12 year old Pitbull Chow mix. I adopt her from my local shelter almost two years ago. She is my best friend. She was diagnosed with Sundowners a little while back and we currently have her on medication to keep her comfortable.

Oreo - She is my 12 year old black & white girl. I’ve had her since she fit in the palm of my hand. She’s the spiciest of my three feline girls. She likes to bully poor Gypsy from time to time. Even tho she is a spicy girl majority of the time she does have a sweet side to her as well!

Ella - She’s my middle baby, coming in at 8 years old. I got her from my moms friend when she had to unfortunately rehome her cats. Ella had a sad start in life. She was thrown out of a truck on a highway in front of my mom’s friends daughter. Luckily they took her in. After I had had her for a few months she started to limp really really bad. I was young and didn’t have a job so I used all my birthday money to take her to the vet. Well when she was thrown out of the truck as a kitten it had broke her hip. It had cartilage grown around the broke bone. The vet gave her pain medicine and told me either she would adapt or we’d have to amputate her leg. Luckily she adapted. She is the sweetest and most loving kitty. Just every couple of years her broke hip starts to hurt and we have to get more medicine for her.

Donna - My youngest baby, she is 2-3 years old. I volunteer at the shelter her and Gypsy both come from. When I met Donna she was in rough shape. I thought she was going to die… she had to have surgery to removed almost all of her teeth and medicine for an abscess on her tongue. I decided to foster her before her surgery and after so she could heal. Well I couldn’t stand the thought of taking her back to the shelter, so the same day I picked her up after surgery I went and adopted her! She is spunky and playful and I love her so much🖤

#happy #cute #iloveyou #love #animallover #animal shelter volunteer #animal adoption #animal advocacy #cats #cats of tumblr #kittylove #dogs #rescue dog #senior dogs are the best #my dogs #my cats #my animals

[official-mddtspeaks]

" Find your comfort people and love them with everything you have “

#adoptee #adoption #advocacy #childwelfare #fostercare #fostercarerecovery #healing #mddtspeaks #mentalhealth #resilientvoicesandbeyond

[miriamsheartinc]

All children deserve to be in a family that is safe and supportive. 

Poverty, mental illness, abuse, addiction, and desperation can cause parents not to be able to provide for their children. When this happens children can be placed into a system of care (called foster care) or be moved to live in an orphanage. In America and around the world thousands of children are in foster care or growing up in orphanages. They aren’t in safe and permanent families. When…

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#adoption #advocacy #church #family #foster care #foster parenting

[alleycatallies]

The Cat Socialization Continuum: A Guide to Interactions Between Cats and Humans

Alley Cat Allies’ “The Cat Socialization Continuum: A Guide to Interactions Between Cats and Humans” will help you understand the many degrees of socialization cats can exhibit and how to apply that knowledge to best care for, help, and protect them.

No matter the environment, from the chill of Iceland to the heat of India, the urban bustle of Hong Kong to the rural plains of Iowa, you’re likely to find a cat. Cats are incredibly adaptable and resilient, and thrive alongside people everywhere we live.

The measure of a cat’s comfort around humans is known as socialization. Each cat falls somewhere along a vast socialization continuum. To best help cats, every advocate, shelter staff member, caregiver, veterinary professional, and official needs to comprehend, respect, and apply this continuum.

Alley Cat Allies created this guide as an easy, accessible, and informative resource. By the time you’ve finished reading, you will know what socialization is, the different possible points on the socialization continuum, and how policies that take cats’ socialization into account are key to saving their lives.

We hope this information helps you better understand the cats in your community and their unique needs.

What is Socialization?

When we say a cat is socialized, we mean she is accustomed to and enjoys companionship with people. To socialize a cat means to gradually acclimate her to human touch, human spaces, and human sights, smells, and sounds. It’s a process that is influenced by many factors of a cat’s life and takes time and effort from compassionate people.

The most socialized cats are those who share our homes, seek our affection, and rely on us for their everyday needs. On the other end, feral cats who are born and live outdoors in our communities and have rarely or never had contact with peopleactively avoid it, evenare unsocialized.

These cats all belong to the same domesticated species, Felis catus. However, domestication and socialization are not the same thing.

How Cats Became Domesticated

Cats have shared our spaces for thousands of years and live alongside usindoors and outdoorsin every environment we inhabit.

Even so, we’re still learning new things about cats all the time. For example, research has found that cats’ early wild ancestors “self-selected,” meaning they adjusted their own behavior to live closer to humans.

Just as dogs evolved the facial muscles needed to give us “puppy eyes” to appeal to us, the bravest early cats adapted in order to gain something from people. They took courageous steps to make themselves at home around humans so they could take advantage of the plentiful mice and food scraps in their settlements.

In short, cats adapted to living in close quarters with people for easier access to meals and other human resources.

Over a long period of time and many, many generations of early wild cats living closer to people, the cats became domesticated. A species is considered domesticated when it has generationally adapted to live with or among people in order to benefit from them.

By becoming domesticated, these early cats, called Felis silvestris, became an entirely new species: Felis catus.

The Instincts Remain

Domestic cats still have the instincts their wild ancestors had, so they are comfortable outdoors and can survive independently from people. That’s because, for most of their natural history, domestic cats lived totally or partially outdoors and fended for themselves. For example, most ship cats and barn cats lived closely with people but still had to find their own meals.

Domesticated and Socialized are Not the Same

All members of the domestic cat species with whom we live and are most familiar are Felis catus, regardless of how socialized they are.

Though every individual of the Felis catus species is domesticated, not all are socialized. Like cats, other domesticated animals, such as horses, chickens, and pigs, will also become feral if they live away from people for long enough. Domestication happens to a species over generations, while socialization differs with each individual.

Socialization is All About Experience

Kittens learn what it means to act like a cat by observing other cats and getting some paws-on experience. Experience is also the only way cats learn to live comfortably with people.

If a cat never interacts with humans, she will grow up unsocialized and be most at home outside, usually in a bonded family with other outdoor cats known as a colony. People and everything associated with them, like voices, footsteps, lawn mowers, or even electric can openers for cat food, will be scary to her.

But cats are individuals. No two cats are alike, and there’s no one way a cat lives, experiences, or interacts with people. That’s why socialization is so much more than two opposite pointssocialized or unsocializedon a single line. There’s a wealth of gray area between those points that represents the many degrees of socialization in cats. Socialization is a continuum.

“Feral” vs “Stray” vs “Pet” Cats

Within the wider socialization continuum, there are three common and recognizable labels: feral, stray, and “pet” cats. Knowing how to distinguish among them will give you a solid idea of how to best help every cat.

A feral cat is an unsocialized outdoor cat who has either never had any physical contact with humans, or human contact has diminished enough over time that she’s no longer accustomed to it. Most feral cats are fearful of people and can’t become a lap cat or live indoors.

Feral cats thrive outdoors and are not reliant on people directly feeding them. They are adept at finding their own meals, from the leftovers people discard to food sources in their natural environment. Sometimes, though, these independent cats may have human caregivers who regularly feed them.

Feral cats are only at home outdoors with their feline families. However, it’s possible to socialize kittens born to feral cats if we handle them at an early enough age. These kittens can then be adopted into indoor homes.

A stray cat is a cat who lived indoors and was socialized to people at some point in her life, but left or lost her home and no longer has regular human contact. A stray cat may be socialized enough to allow people to touch her, but she will become less socializedor even feralif she spends too much time without positive interaction with humans.

As cat behavior expert John Bradshaw puts it: “Cats still have three out of four paws firmly planted in the wild, and within only a few generations can easily revert to the independent way of life that was the exclusive preserve of their predecessors some 10,000 years ago.” But if a stray cat is re-introduced to regular human contact, she may become socialized again.

For more on the differences between stray and feral cats, visit alleycat.org/StrayOrFeral.

A “pet” cat, which is what many people call cats who live indoors with human families, are socialized to people and are comfortable being in houses and being touched. This cat may also be an indoor/outdoor cat, meaning she spends time outdoors but still enjoys being or primarily lives indoors and is reliant on people for her food and care.

Community Cats

“Community cat” is an umbrella term that refers to any member of the Felis catus species who is unowned and lives outdoors. Both feral and stray cats are community cats. Community cats have a wide range of behaviors and degrees of socialization, but they generally do not want to live indoors and are unadoptable.

This Guide Will Help You Save Cats

Some cats want to sit in your lap every minute of every day. Some cats live outside and only enjoy limited interaction with the caregivers who feed them. Some cats want nothing to do with people and will avoid all contact. Many cats will weave between those different behaviors over time.

All deserve our protection and respect.

As a society, we have a long history of not showing compassion to less socialized cats. Cats and kittens are still killed in animal shelters every day because too many communities don’t have humane policies that accommodate cats’ differing needs at every degree of socialization.

By understanding socialization, we can successfully advocate for practices and programs that help cats live and thrive in the environments best suited to them.

In this guide, we’ll walk through the wide variety of points on the socialization continuum, the signs of socialization, the factors that determine how socialized a cat will be, and why it all matters. With this knowledge, you can make decisions that protect and improve all cats’ lives.

How Socialization is a Continuum

Socialization in cats isn’t a matter of solid labels, but a fluid state of being. Like the colors of a rainbow, the different degrees of socialization flow into each other and create many in-between areas where cats can reside.

Cats also don’t always stay in a single place on that rainbow in their lifetimes. They can move along the continuum depending on their age, circumstances, and experiences. We’ll explore these factors of socialization later in this guide.

Though there are many gray areas, there are still some basic points along the continuum that can guide you toward the best approach to a cat. The simplest is the “Touch Barrier.”

The Touch Barrier

The easiest way to tell the difference between a socialized and unsocialized cat is whether they’ll let a person touch them. We call the invisible separation between cats who allow touch and cats who will not the “Touch Barrier.”

The concept of the Touch Barrier is attributed to renowned cat expert Joan Miller and the following graphic was adapted from her definition. Watch her discuss the Touch Barrier as part of her presentation, “Cultivating Cool Cats: Handling Felines in the Shelter so They Look and Feel Their Best” at alleycat.org/Videos.

Cats who are inside the Touch Barrier are more socialized to people and often enjoy touch. Cats who are outside the Touch Barrier are more unsocialized and typically avoid touch.

The Comfort Zone Another thing to consider is a cat’s “Comfort Zone,” or how close a cat can live or spend time with people and stay comfortable. The most socialized cats live indoors with us, while fully unsocialized cats live outdoors and avoid human-populated areas. Many cats live somewhere in between.

INDOOR ONLY Fully socialized cats who are accustomed to living indoors full time and relying on people for their needs.

INDOOR/OUTDOOR Socialized cats who spend time indoors and outdoors. How long they stay in either setting varies, but they still rely on people for their care.

PEOPLE-ADJACENT Cats who live outdoors, but in close proximity to people. These cats can be tolerant of people, especially if they are being fed!

OUTSKIRTS Unsocialized, or feral, cats who live outdoors and avoid areas where there are people.

Every Cat Has a Story

All cats are unique and have their own stories. That’s where the combination of a cat’s Comfort Zone (where a cat prefers to live in relation to people), and Touch Barrier (if a cat likes to be touched) can get really interesting.

Here are some examples:

Allie was born indoors. She’s been held, played with, and petted by people since she was less than a week old. Today, she loves to sit on people’s laps and meows for attention all the time.

Robin was adopted from a rescue organization after being surrendered from her previous indoor home. She was a little nervous at first but now she’s approaching her new family for affection.

Cliff sleeps and eats indoors and enjoys affection from his family, but he also has access to the outdoors and spends a lot of time there. Sometimes, he’ll bolt when strangers approach him outside.

Smokey was born outdoors and is fed every day by an Alley Cat Allies Boardwalk Cats Project® volunteer. She is used to her caregiver and lets him pet her. However, she runs from other people and would be fearful and unhappy living indoors.

Jay is a community cat who was born outdoors and has a regular caregiver. He’s used to her enough that he won’t run when she comes to feed him, but he avoids her if she tries to get too close or touch him.

Grace, a community cat, has gotten used to a caregiver coming into her territory to feed her. However, she’ll stay hidden until her caregiver sets down the food and leaves. Only then does she emerge to eat.

This independent cat lives in the woods beside an apartment complex. He has no caregiver and finds his own food. You’ll only see him at night searching for a meal near the complex (usually from a trash can), and he’ll run if he sees or hears a person too close.

This cat was born outdoors and lives in a forest away from regular human activity. She finds her own food in her natural environment. People are completely unfamiliar and scary to her. In fact, you may not be aware she exists because she’s so good at hiding!

The Signs of Socialization

Both socialized and unsocialized cats have distinct behaviors that will help you figure out where they fall on the socialization continuum. Generally, socialized cats (indoor, indoor/outdoor, and some strays) will approach and show signs that they are comfortable around people. Unsocialized cats (feral, some strays) will not approach and will show signs of discomfort with people.

Remember: Socialized and unsocialized cats can be very difficult to tell apart when they’re in a scary or unfamiliar environment.

A study on socialization of cats in shelters found that when socialized cats were allowed a few days to relax at the shelter and show their true colors, they had unique behaviors that unsocialized cats never displayed around people. This guide will help you recognize them.

To read more about this study and others like it, visit alleycat.org/Research.

Socialized Cat Behaviors

When in close proximity to people, a socialized cat will often:

Vocalize (chirp, meow)

Approach

Allow touch

Raise her ears regularly

Raise her tail

Retain a relaxed posture

Reach toward a person

Rub

Knead

Play

Purr

Groom or shake her body

Sniff

Expose her stomach

Stay visible during the daytime

Show interest in household sounds

Unsocialized Cat Behaviors

When in close proximity to people, an unsocialized cat will: Not vocalize (chirping, meowing)

Not allow touch

Flee and hide from an approaching person

Keep her ears consistently back or flat

Tightly wrap her tail around her

Retain an arched or tense posture

Swipe or lash out at people

Dilate pupils

Hiss

Growl

Howl

Bristle fur

Crouch or crawl

Not relax around people

Hide during the daytime

Show no interest in household sounds

The Factors of Socialization How socialized a cat is, or how much you can socialize her, depends on many different factors. Knowing these factors will help you determine the best approach for any cat.

Factor One: Age

Kittens have a critical window in their development between the ages of 2 and 8 weeks. At 2 weeks old, kittens’ eyes and ears have just opened (they’re closed at birth!) and they are especially observant of their surroundings. For the next few weeks, they learn at a rapid rate and their minds soak in new experiences like a sponge.

This critical window is the key to socializing a cat! During this time, introduce kittens to areas and objects throughout your home and handle and play with them regularly. The younger a kitten is handled, the more socialized she will be.

Remember: The critical window closes fast. With every week that passes, a kitten becomes more difficult to socialize.

When kittens are 2 months old and older, socialization gets much more challenging. Cats are creatures of habit who are very attached to their territories and stressed by change. The older they get, the more set they are in their ways and the less you can influence them.

For this reason, Alley Cat Allies does not, in general, recommend trying to socialize a feral cat over 4 months of age. There is a gray area in all of this in which the personality of individual cats comes into play. Between 4 and 8 months of age, if there is time and capacity and if individual kittens are showing meaningful signs of social behavior, the decision may be made to place the kitten in a foster home for socialization. If the kitten does not show signs of socialization within a week or two, it is in her best interest to return her to her colony outdoors.

Community cats are comfortable in their outdoor homes and living indoors around people is frightening. When cats feel confined, it can stress them so much that it harms their health. It’s next to impossible to change their behaviorand that’s okay! They’re fine just as they are, especially with help from humane programs like Trap-Neuter-Return (TNR).

“But I was able to socialize my adult feral cat!” There are always exceptions to the rule. Most times, though, an adult feral cat can’t be successfully socialized. When it comes to saving as many cats’ lives as possible, time and energy are far better spent ensuring community cats are spayed or neutered and vaccinated as part of a TNR program.

Factor Two: Time with People

A cat has to spend quality time around people in order to be comfortable with people. Obvious, right? The more a cat is handled and the closer she lives near people, especially within her critical window of development, the more socialized she will be. The less a cat is in contact with people, the more unsocialized she will be.

The most socialized cats have lived with people indoors and been handled and played with since they were born. Life without people is completely foreign to them. But keep in in mind that socialization can be fluid, and time is a big reason why.

For example, a stray cat who spent most of her life with humans may approach people at first. But the longer she spends outdoors without regular human contact, the less socialized she will become.

Adult cats who were born outdoors and never spent any time around people will never be socialized. They are feral and will flee when you see themif you see them at all. Cats who were born outdoors and only start spending time around people in adulthood may get used to a caregiver who regularly feeds them, but they won’t be comfortable living indoors.

However, you can socialize feral kittens if you work with them before they hit 4 months of age. These kittens will be unsocialized at first but, with enough time and handling (if you have the resources to do so), they can become socialized cats who can live indoors and be adopted.

Factor Three: Positive, Neutral, or Negative Interaction

To become socialized, a cat must have positive interactions with people. Meanwhile, negative interactions will damage a cat’s trust in people and her degree of socialization. Neutral interactions will not make a cat your best friend, but they do no harm either.

Positive Interaction

These interactions are the key to a socialized cat. Cats must associate human contact with comfort, food, fun, and safety in order to enjoy the company of people and feel at home indoors.

The most important positive interactions include:

Handling, petting, and gentle talking

Providing food and treats

Playing together

Providing an environment with comfortable places to sleep, eat, and jump

Bottom line: Positive interaction is the way to socialize a cat.

The Power of Food

Cats are driven by their instincts, which means access to food is one of the most important things in their world. By feeding your cat, you become the provider she trusts to fulfill her needs.

Food is also how some community cats become more socialized to their caregivers. They start to associate that person with a tasty meal. That doesn’t mean these cats will ever want to live inside, though!

Negative Interaction

If a cat has negative experiences with people, she won’t forget them. The fear instinct is one of cats’ strongest. If they associate human contact with harm, yelling, and threatening movements, they will be far less socialized. This is especially true if the negative experiences occur during a kitten’s critical window of development.

Even socialized cats who live indoors may react to some regular household noises with fear if not acclimated to them properly. For example, a cat may associate the front door opening with loud noises and quick-moving feet and hide every time you have friends over. That’s why it’s so important to expose kittens to as many indoor living experiences as possible and help them associate those experiences with positive things like petting or treats.

Bottom line: Negative interactions contribute to a cat being unsocialized.

Neutral Interaction

Neutral interactions won’t move a cat either way on the socialization continuum. However, that doesn’t mean they aren’t important. Neutral interactions with cats can simply mean coexisting in a shared environment with little contact. Like a neighbor who knows a community cat colony lives nearby but makes no move to interact with them OR call animal control to remove them.

Cats live outdoors, always have and always will. Alley Cat Allies’ mission is to show people that community cats have a valuable place in our society, and that we can live peacefully together.

Bottom line: Neutral interactions don’t affect a cat’s socialization but are a beneficial way for community cats and people to coexist.

Factor Four: Environment and Stress Level

Picture this scenario: A happy, cuddly cat who lives indoors slips past the front door and bolts outside one day. As she wanders along the block, somebody calls animal control to bring her to the local animal shelter. A shelter staff member looks in on the cat when she first arrivesand she’s pressed against the back of her cage and hissing. Because of this behavior, the staff member assumes the cat is feral.

The staff member’s assessment is incorrect and could even be dangerous. Misjudgments like this have put countless cats’ lives in danger. It can be difficult to distinguish a scared socialized cat from an unsocialized cat, because cats’ fear responses are similar at every degree of socialization.

Cats have a sensitive sense of smell and hearing, so environments filled with strange scents and loud, unfamiliar sounds terrify them. Shelters especially are a perfect storm of anxiety-inducing stimuli. Even the most socialized cats may start acting in ways that make them appear very unsocialized.

That’s why in stressful environments like shelters, every cat must be soothed with methods like slow approaches, quiet spaces, or calming pheromones and places to hide. Cats need at least a few days to show their true degree of socialization. Otherwise, shelter staff will never know how socialized a cat really is and can’t make the correct decision for her care.

Spay and Neuter Matters

Whether a cat is spayed or neutered can also affect how socialized they appear. Pregnancy and mating are stressful for cats, and they will act accordingly. With their territorial and sexual instinct in hyperdrive, they will yowl, fight, mark, and be generally tense.

An unneutered male cat, even if he has lived indoors with people his entire life, may fight to get outdoors to find a female cat. He likely won’t be a cuddly companion. A pregnant female cat or a mother who has given birth may act more aggressive or avoidant because she is in a natural protective mode over her kittens.

Always spay and neuter cats to ensure they are healthy and free of hormonal influences.

Cats and Fear Response

Cats are naturally cautious animals and are very attached to familiar territories and routines. When they’re taken from what they know and put in an unfamiliar and anxiety-inducing environment, fear and stress take over. Every action and reaction of a cat will then be driven by fear.

Factor Five: Genetics and Breed

While it’s far from a guarantee, a cat’s genetics and breed can affect how easily she can be socialized. Studies have found that kittens born to a friendly and affectionate cat often inherit that temperament.

Some cats are bred for specific personality traits, including friendliness toward people and comfort with being handled. Cat breeds like Sphynx, Ragdoll, Burmese, and Siamese are bred with human companionship in mind.

However, these cats are still not born socialized. All the above factors combined are what really determine where they fall on the socialization continuum. Genetics and breed may just give some cats a paw up.

Factor Six: Personality

A cat is not a person, but she is still an individual. Sometimes, how friendly they are is simply part of their personality.

Picture this scenario: Two kittens are born from the same mother in the same indoor home and are handled the same way by people. One kitten grows up to love being held and sit in laps. The other grows up feisty and always on the move, with no time to cuddle or be picked up. Both are socialized to people, but their individual personalities determined how cuddlyor notthey are.

Another example: A community cat grows more comfortable over time around a caregiver who feeds him every day. He eventually allows the caregiver to approach and even touch him. Meanwhile, other cats in his colony who have been fed by the caregiver just as long never become comfortable enough to allow touch.

This is another reason why socialization is so fluid. Often, it just comes down to the individual cat.

Turn Knowledge into Lifesaving Action

With a greater understanding of socialization, caregivers, advocates, veterinarians, animal control officers, and shelter professionals can develop policies and programs to meet cats’ unique needsno matter where they fall on the socialization continuum.

Trap-Neuter-Return (TNR) Protects Unsocialized Cats

TNR, the only humane and effective approach to community cats, takes cats’ socialization into account to successfully save their lives.

Remember: Even friendly socialized cats run the risk of being killed in shelters that don’t have the space, resources, and programs to protect them. Utilize local cat rescue resources and practice TNR rather than bringing cats to a shelter.

TNR is the proven way to help unsocialized outdoor cats. These cats do not want to live indoors and are unadoptable. Even cats who are more socialized may revert to feral behavior when they are confined in the shelter environment, which is very stressful to them. That means in far too many shelters, community cats are highly likely to be killed.

TNR ensures community cats are not impounded in shelters, but instead spayed or neutered and allowed to thrive in their outdoor homes.

Keep in mind: More socialized community cats and kittens should also be helped through TNR unless you have the ample time and resources it takes to foster and adopt them. They are used to being outdoors and will thrive there.

Trap-Neuter-Return (TNR)

TNR is the process of humanely trapping, spaying or neutering, vaccinating, eartipping (the universal sign of a spayed or neutered and vaccinated outdoor cat) and returning community cats to their outdoor homes.

What Animal Shelters Can Do

Every year, thousands upon thousands of socialized and unsocialized cats enter the shelter system. Without humane policies that take the socialization continuum into consideration, far too many of these cats are killed. It doesn’t have to be that way.

By understanding and respecting socialization, shelter professionals and animal control officers can make lifesaving decisions for every cat.

Shelters must develop programs and policies that protect cats of every degree of socialization. Only cats found to be socialized and acclimated to living indoors should be adopted into a home.

Cats toward the unsocialized, or feral, end of the continuum will never be comfortable living with people and are unadoptable as an indoor cat. Rather than killing these cats, shelters should adopt or support a TNR, Shelter-Neuter-Return (SNR), or Return-to-Field (RTF) program. These programs move community cats swiftly out of the shelter and back to the outdoor homes where they belongsaving their lives as well as shelter resources and taxpayer dollars.

To make the right decision, though, shelter staff first have to figure out which cats are socialized or unsocialized. That’s where a socialization assessment comes in. The assessment helps determine where a cat falls on the socialization continuum based on her behavior.

How It Works:

Since cats may not show their true degree of socialization right away in the stressful shelter environment, the assessment only starts after a cat has spent at least one night in the shelter to settle. Then, it takes place over the course of at least three days (fewer if a cat immediately shows signs of being socialized).

Shelter staff or volunteers test each cat with different stimuli and watch for “checklist behaviors” that show they are socialized. If cats display these checklist behaviors over time, they are marked as “Extremely/Likely to be Socialized” and put up for adoption or into a foster home.

If cats show none of the checklist behaviors, they are marked as “unsocialized” and are referred to a TNR program.

The following socialization assessment model was adapted from a study published in Animals, an international peer-reviewed open access journal. To read more about this study, visit alleycat.org/Research.

Examples of tests for socialized cat behaviors include:

Greeting without opening the cage. Immediately or over time, a socialized cat may approach the greeter, stay where they are with relaxed posture, or vocalize (meow) in response. An unsocialized cat will consistently move away from the greeter, watch the greeter carefully, have tense posture, or hiss or growl.

Putting a hand on the cage door or cracking the door open. A socialized cat may eventually approach the staff member, or at least be less guarded, having a relaxed posture and ears up. An unsocialized cat will not approach and may shy away, may hiss or growl, and will watch the staff member closely.

Introducing toys and play. Socialized cats will pay attention to the toys and play with them, showing they can relax and have fun in the presence of a person. An unsocialized cat may not play and is more likely to just keep wary eyes on the staff member.

Touching cats with a wand or other tool. Socialized cats may enjoy the touch, sniff at or attempt to play with the wand, or just calmly allow the contact. An unsocialized cat will consistently move away from or stiffen at the touch and may hiss or growl.

After three days of these tests, shelter staff will have a clearer idea of whether a cat is socialized. Then they will know how to proceed to provide the best possible outcome for that cat.

To help more socialized cats get comfortable and show their true colors, shelter professionals can also adopt practices that are soothing and positive for cats. These methods can include enrichment activities like play times with toys to distract a cat from the scary shelter environment. It’s also helpful to appeal to cats’ senses with tactics like spraying calming pheromones.

Remember: Cats thrive with predictability. Create and stick to a consistent schedule for cats. They’ll be most comfortable and confident if a shelter feeds, cleans, interacts with them, and turns the lights out at the same time every day.

A Blueprint for Change Help your local animal shelter make humane changes to save cats, socialized or unsocialized. Alley Cat Allies has a guide to shelter transformation at alleycat.org/Transform.

What Veterinary Professionals Can Do

Veterinary professionals can keep themselves and their patients comfortable and safe by adjusting their approach based on how socialized a cat is. This is especially important as veterinarians carry out the “Neuter” stage of TNR, but it is a good rule of thumb for all of their feline clients.

Veterinarians should always keep unsocialized cats in their traps until they’re under anesthesia. Otherwise, they will struggle and strike if handled. Once the cats are unconscious, they can be removed from their traps to be spayed or neutered, vaccinated, microchipped, and eartipped (the removal of approximately one centimeter of the tip of a cat’s left ear; the universal sign of a neutered and vaccinated cat). The cats should then be returned to the same traps they were brought in to recover.

Because unsocialized cats are extremely stressed in a veterinary environment, Alley Cat Allies recommends returning them to their outdoor homes as soon as they’re ready, which is often within one day of surgery.

Learn more about surgery protocols for unsocialized cats at alleycat.org/Veterinarian.

Even for the most socialized cats, the strange smells, sounds, and touches of a veterinary visit can be very scary. Veterinarians should adopt methods that tap into cats’ instincts to help them relax. Some examples include approaching cats slowly, playing calming music, providing treats, spraying relaxing pheromones, and dividing waiting areas so cats can stay separate from noisy dogs. Veterinarians can also examine the cat where the cat feels most comfortable, like inside her carrier, or use towels during the exam to allow the cat to feel hidden.

Fear Free, a certification program, exists to show veterinary professionals and other people who work with animals how to utilize the above methods to increase cats’ comfort level.

What Advocates Can Do

By knowing the signs and factors of socialization, you’ll know how to help any cat who needs you.

Remember: No matter where they fall on the socialization continuum, don’t take cats to animal shelters unless you are sure the shelter has lifesaving programs needed to help them. For example, Shelter-Neuter-Return (SNR) is a program in which cats are taken to the shelter so shelter staff can have them spayed or neutered, vaccinated, eartipped, and returned to their outdoor homes.

How to Help Unsocialized or Feral Cats

If you believe a cat is unsocialized, you should carry out TNR so she can live and thrive in her outdoor home. Alley Cat Allies has a comprehensive guide to TNR at alleycat.org/TNRGuide.

How to Help Socialized Stray Cats

If you believe a cat is a socialized stray, you can take her to a veterinarian to have her scanned for a microchip right away. Her family may be missing her. Then, try putting up flyers with the cat’s photo around the community and posting about her on social media.

If you don’t have a photo on hand, it is helpful to know the exact terms to describe the cat and her unique physical features, like markings and fur color, so you can relay them. Alley Cat Allies’ Cat Identification Guide can help you do so. Find it at alleycat.org/CatIDGuide.

If you can’t find the cat’s owner, and keep in mind she may not have one even if she is socialized, you can bring her to a rescue group or foster home, take her in yourself, or practice TNR. In many cases the outdoors may be home to her, so TNR is always a great option! No matter the decision, always make sure the cat is spayed or neutered, vaccinated, and microchipped.

Remember: Even a socialized stray cat may be more comfortable outdoors than indoors. TNR is always a lifesaving approach and stray cats can and should be included in TNR programs like any other community cat. As an individual, you may choose to try socializing a friendlier stray. However, when it comes to general policy for stray cats, TNR should always be first on the list. Otherwise these cats may be taken to and remain in animal shelters, which endanger their lives and pull resources from adoptable cats.

How to Help Kittens

If you find kittens outdoors, your next steps depend on the kittens’ ages and if their mother cat is around. Make sure all kittens are spayed or neutered, vaccinated, and microchipped as soon as they are 8 weeks old and weigh at least 2 pounds. Don’t forget to spay mom too.

You can learn more with our Finding Kittens Outdoors resource.

Bottom line: TNR is the humane approach for cats AND kittens. Only bring kittens indoors to foster and adopt if you have the time and resources to do so.

Respect Cats’ Nature to Save Their Lives

The socialization continuum is fluid, but a cat who is completely unsocialized will almost never be able to live comfortably with people. Such cats can only thrive outdoors. Likewise, a socialized cat who has lived indoors all her life best thrives by staying indoors. Respecting cats’ socialization ensures they stay in environments where they can live long, healthy lives.

Helpful Resources

Feral Friends Network To find advocates and rescues in your area to help with all things cat, including kitten care and TNR assistance, visit alleycat.org/FeralFriends.

The Alley Cat Allies Cat Help Desk If you need advice or assistance, contact us through our Cat Help Desk online form at alleycat.org/GetHelp.

Alley Cat Allies’ Kitten Resources Find our guides on determining a kitten’s age, caring for and socializing young kittens, what to do if you find kittens outdoors, and more at alleycat.org/Kittens.

Feral and Stray CatsAn Important Difference Learn more about the key differences between feral and stray cats, and their degrees of socialization, at alleycat.org/StrayOrFeral.

Trap-Neuter-Return (TNR) Find our in-depth information on TNR, the only humane and effective approach to community cats, and how it saves cats’ lives and improves communities by visiting alleycat.org/TNR.

The Natural History of the Cat Dive further into the history of cats, and how it influences their relationships with people today, at alleycat.org/CatHistory.

Important Studies about Cats Find our collection of important research and studies relating to cats by visiting alleycat.org/Research.

#Caring For Community Cats #Cat Adoption #Adopt Kittens #Cat Rescue #Community Outreach And Education #Animal Advocacy And Activism

[furfamfarm]

If you crop your dog’s ears or dock any animal’s tail for cosmetic purposes, I suggest you read the articles below. It’s weird and cruel — I don’t care how old they are.

“The AVMA opposes ear cropping and tail docking of dogs when done solely for cosmetic purposes. The AVMA encourages the ELIMINATION of ear cropping and tail docking from breed standards.” [Source]

Docking: tails are docked during the first five days of life surgically or with a constricting band (cuts off circulation—painful). Welfare concerns: pain, complications, chronic health issues, behavioral issues. [Source]

Cattle: tail docking of cattle “provides no benefit to the animal” and can “lead to distress during fly seasons” [Source] Yes, farm animals matter too.

#animal rescue #animal rights #animal advocacy #animal adoption #animal health #cute dogs #dogblr

[missglaskin]

i feel like Otto would use Daemon and Rhaenyra’s secret wedding, mere days after their partners funerals, as the sole ammunition to have Rhaenyra disinherited and second-born!Reader named the Princess of Dragonstone after Otto reminds Viserys the sole reason Rhaenyra was chosen was to prevent Daemon from having the throne. and Alicent will begin planting the seeds of a doubt in Viserys mind that some may not want a the Reader on a throne because she’s adopted but if she married Aegon, the firstborn son, she wouldn’t be contested. that Aegon was better fitted as a consort anyways.

and the Velaryons have mixed feelings about the whole ordeal because Corlys really wanted his blood on the throne but Rhaenys believes the reader will be a much better ruler.

she’s kind of like the “peoples princess” if that makes sense. from a young age she began serving as the king’s cupbearer, allowing her the opportunity to watch the council work, and even there were times when she spoke up. advocating on behalf of the servants for better living conditions or pushing for repairs on the sewage system underneath the city.

not even Rhaenyra could deny that the reader would make a good queen but there’s some resentment directed to her father, angry he still won’t accept that she loves Daemon and there confusion as she watches Daemon wrap a beautiful necklace around the reader’s neck

I apologize for the long haitus, I wanted to return with something so here it is.

The plot just thickens

Before Daemon and Rhaenyra secret wedding, Alicent was already sowing seeds of doubt in Viserys's mind (the reader doesn't have any bastards, last she checked but even so it doesn’t count).And it would be a great irony if Viserys sent Otto away thinking he wanted Aegon to be king (which might be partially true), when in reality it’s the reader he desired to be in the throne. With Lyonel's death, and Rhaenyra's decision to move to Dragonstone with Laenor despite wanting to stay with her sister. Otto and Alicent are only given a better advantage to continue casting doubt on Rhaenyra. Rhaenyra and Daemon's marriage seals the deal, and soon after, they are summoned by a raven from King's Landing.

While the Velaryons may have mixed feelings, they are all in support of the reader in being the chosen heir. It’s Rhaenys who encourages Corlys’ decision to swear his fealty to her. It doesn’t help that Rhaenys believes Rhaenyra and Daemon are the cause for her son’s death and them marrying right after Laena’s death only adds salt to the wound. Rhaenys genuinely believes the reader will be a much better ruler. 

When the reader is named heir, there is one final step for both Alicent and Otto to ensure her position (or as they like to say). So it comes as little surprise when the reader is revealed to be wed to Aegon. She already has gained a great deal of knowledge regarding politics throughout the years she was compelled to relocate to accommodate the entire family, from Driftmark to King's Landing to Dragonstone. Alicent and Otto took a step further in letting the reader act as the king's cupbearer, and Viserys naturally agreed. Unlike Rhaenyra who felt undermined in the council, the reader isn't cut off when advocating for herself, rather, she's backed by the green council. 

As you mentioned, she has earned the title of the "people's princess” through her charity, her advocacy for improved living conditions for the castle's servants as well insistence on repairing the sewage systems and for better roads. Tales abound in the city about the princess who visits orphanages, escorted, of course, by the finest knights, among them Ser Criston Cole. With all of that, simply wedding the reader to Aegon, already wins him favor at king's landing, besides, it's evident to the court that it's the reader who holds all the power.

It's an internal struggle for Rhaenyra; she feels waves of resentment and anger, sometimes aimed at her father and other times at the reader. But, she can never take the reader's actions personally, not after she offers Rhaenyra dragonstone or when she vows to make her the hand when she ascends the iron throne. So how can she ever be genuinely upset at her beloved sister whom she also thinks would make a wonderful queen?

And for Daemon, whom she observes draping a beautiful necklace—akin to the one he gave her years ago—around her sister's neck. She observes as her ever naive sister turns to face him, beaming as thanks him for the gift.

And for Daemon who she watches wrapping a beautiful necklace around her sister’s neck, similar to the one he gifted her a long time ago. She watches as her sister turns to him, beaming and thanking him for the gift, her sister so naive and innocent. But it won’t be long before Viserys catches wind of it, and if not him, Otto and Alicent will and this is the last thing they ever wish to happen. For they know, no matter how many times they Banish Daemon, he will always find his way to return to your side.

#hotd x reader #yandere concept #yandere hotd #yandere house of the dragon #aegon ii targaryen x reader #daemon targaryen x reader #yandere platonic #hotd concept #house of the dragon x reader #heir!reader

[allkindsofadvocacy]

Find Me Friday: Rosie & Malcolm!

Logo that says Reece’s Rainbow Special Needs Adoption Support in blue, below a blue & yellow paint stroke rainbow graphic with a yellow Ukrainian trident symbol on the right half. In this series, each Friday I’m able, I want to share a different child or group of children who are available for adoption and listed through the adoption advocacy website Reece’s Rainbow. Please note, names used on…

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#accessible post #adoption advocacy #agency fee reduction #anopththalmia #autism #autistic #available for adoption #available to large families #available to married couples #available to single dads #available to single moms #available to single parents #blind #disability adoption #Down Syndrome #education #encephalopathy #Find Me Friday #FSP #language delay #Latin America adoption #Malcolm #medical history #microphthalmia #older child grant #photo descriptions #psychomotor delay #Reece&039;s Rainbow #Rosie2 #video available

[gentil-minou]

Thinking about band au wangxian where their "gimmick" on stage is extremely sexually charged flirting like I'm talking wwx straight up grinding against lwj in the middle of his solo or they stare directly into each other's eyes everytime a song mentions love or sex

Except they haven't confirmed their relationship so like half the fans are diehard shippers screaming while the other half think it's a fake publicity stunt and point out all the bts vids where they look like they hate each other and argue constantly

Neither of them mention their relationships in interview, always redirecting questions back to the music or their advocacy and so for years it just goes on like this.

They're the most popular band in the world when suddenly they go on a long, three year hiatus.

And so everyone thinks oh gosh maybe they were together but they broke up and their tears are heard around the world.

Then they have a comeback tour and reveal all: of course, the hiatus was because they got married and adopted a son.

They drop this randomly in the middle of a set btw, Wei Wuxian just smirks at the audience and says "this is for my husband and our son" and then he winks and blows a kiss at Lan Wangji who catches it with all the seriousness in the world and presses it against his chest

Later on, the band's Instagram posts a photo of wangxian with their backs turned, each holding the hand of a little boy wearing little bunny eared headphones between them, as they all walk put of the venue

#the only thing stopping me from writing endless band au stuff is my pitiful knowledge of music #mdzs #mo dao zu shi #wangxian #wei wuxian #lan wangji #bushy writing #mdzs musings

[fosterwhat]

Today could be a Big Important Day.

I’m not at all religious, but if you want to send prayers or positive thought or just cross your fingers really hard, the kids and I would appreciate it.

#this is foster care #this should be adoption #this may be adoption #foster care reform #greta #felix #foster care policies #foster care advocacy #foster care

[drdemonprince]

During a writing workshop I took this past year, I was reading a submission from someone in the group, and the following passage hit me like a brick: “I learned the things most people don’t have to know, too, how to shut down my brain and just perform the motions when needed. I made myself into the perfect parallel, not a mirror but foam. Folding in when he needed to push down, anticipating his next move, and absorbing it in kind. I became resigned to his every need, trying to never let him get ahead of my mental preparation.” — Lizzie McCord I unpacked this with my partner, and then with my therapist, and the concept of social memory-foaming formed. Here’s my attempt at a formal definition: Memory-foaming is the process of losing, giving up, or having trouble forming a sense of self-identity, self-advocacy and self-determination in social situations, and molding oneself to someone else or to a situation. It often involves excessively conceding, bending, conforming and acquiescing to someone, either actively or passively, either as a reaction to specific feedback, or in anticipation of a certain response. It often involves making yourself as small, as accommodating, and/or as agreeable as possible, to the point of self-neglect and self-alienation. Memory-foaming is different from people-pleasing in its process of self-unknowing, and in its process of identity-anchoring to someone or something else. It involves actually taking the shape of whatever or whoever you come into contact with, and being an adaptable, soft, malleable cast, often in order to fit in, gain acceptance or maintain connection. In relationships, memory-foaming is different from compromise, generosity, accommodation, and balanced self-sacrifice mainly because of its characteristic ignorance or un-awareness of self, and the resulting extreme deference to someone else by default.  It often involves the actual adoption and internalization of someone else’s perceptions and desires, and therefore often involves not knowing the difference between “mine” and “theirs.” As a result, just like real memory foam, it takes a long time afterwards to understand what was “me” and what was “them.” Sometimes, that understanding never comes.

Wow. This was a fantastic read. I think Lizzie McCord & Attlee Hall's "memory foaming" metaphor describes a psychological experience common to Autistics far better than "people pleasing", "codependency" or even "fawning" ever did.

[official-mddtspeaks]

“The price of love is loss”

#adoption #advocacy #education #fostercare #homelessness #mentalhealth #socialwork #traumainformed