#and I have an adhd evaluation at 4

[sillyfoxlady]

Pac reading

•●♡●•♡•●♡●•

What doors are opening to you?

Pile 1

Pile 2

Pile 3

Pile 4

Pile 5

Pile 6

Pile 1

You are coming up. I can see you've been hustling and busting ass. You need to rest at some point but know your actions are paying off. Others are noticing what you bring to the table and it will go in your favor.

I see relationships deepening for you. I can tell you've been going through it trying to complete your goals and manifest your dreams. Don't lose faith, dear one. You are valuable and worthy of love and respect.

So this door opening to you may be a pay raise or a gift. No worries, your needs will be met, and others will respect how hard you've been working.

Pile 2

The door opening to you is clarity. You are confused about what path to take or are missing information to make a good decision. I'm getting a lot of Moon energy here. Nothing malicious, just a lot of confusion or hesitation.

There is nothing wrong with taking time to evaluate your choices. So you are being guided to be still and receive the information you've been asking for.

There's a lot of Aquarian energy here as well. You are a strange one in an excellent way. So no worries, just take the time to receive those downloads.

Pile 3

You are traveling! Either through dimensions or a literal trip. Take time to make the necessary preparations because yours is an intense journey.

You are very clear about what direction you would like to take and how to get there and it's looking like things will begin falling into place.

Be safe! Be loving and authentic because you guys have excellent energy, and you deserve to travel and rest and have fun!

Pile 4

You guys have been going through it. The doors opening to you is relief and rest. You are exiting your dark night of the soul and are making your way back to the light.

You have been working hard to heal your inner demons and to mature yourself. It is paying off and others can see how much you have changed.

Any blockages are being removed, just be patient and know your hard times are passing. You are amazing. Keep your energy up and keep the faith!

Pile 5

The doors opening to you is completion. All of those projects you've been working are finally going to gain momentum. You've been busting your butt to achieve your goals and have earned the lessons learned.

I am so proud of you, and so are your guides. I'm feeling nothing but warmth and support radiating towards you.

I'm getting a strong vibe of adhd or just scattered energy but not wasted. You are doing great, and your goals are coming to completion soon!

Pile 6

The doorways opening to you is focus. You have your head in the clouds, and you need to be more grounded and realistic. You will be receiving more focus on your goals and not just starting new ideas.

You have a lovely libra/taurus energy and this is not so much a critique as an analysis. You aren't doing anything wrong just maybe seek out a mentor to give you practical advice.

You have a unique and lovely energy that deserves to be seen and admired. Don't be shy, ask around and get focused on your goals not just dreams.

#pac #pac tarot #pac reading #tarot cards #tarot deck #tarotcommunity #oracle cards #oracle reading #pick a photo #pick a card #pick a picture #pick a pile reading #magic #witchcraft

[genderqueerpositivity]

Content warning: ADHD medication and medical stuff

A few months ago I started taking Adderall after being diagnosed with ADHD. The results have been kind of mixed. We've adjusted the dose a bit here and there, gone back and forth on the benefits of immediate release vs extended release.

And the whole time I've been getting gradually more uncomfortable with having this...window of usefulness, at most 4-5 hours, of feeling normal and productive and emotionally stable. For less time than a typical shift at work. And then it wears off and I feel irritable and like my tolerance for sensory input is at 0. In fact, I think my sensory sensitivities might actually be considerably fucking worse on stimulants even if my general executive functioning is better. My sensitivity to sound is especially affected.

The answer every time has been to increase the dose...which is an effective solution for only a few weeks at most.

I don't know if this is typical for any other AuDHD folks but it has been my experience. I am also not passing judgment on anyone at all when I say the following: I don't want to have to rely on amphetamines to get shit done and feel (very temporarily) emotionally regulated.

I know that stimulant meds are a life changer for a lot of ADHDers. I just feel like it might not be for me. Not for my brain, not with my health issues, not with my family history of certain conditions.

Which is disappointing, actually. Not the outcome I was hoping for when I set out to be evaluated and diagnosed. I was hoping this would be the missing explanation and the solution basically. I have a better understanding now of my executive functioning issues, but I'm still struggling to deal with them.

Anyway, I'm switching to a non-stimulant medication. And I'm a little nervous about it, as I am with most new meds. I'm just hoping that it helps and that the side effects aren't worse than those I've been dealing with for the past few months.

When I get around to picking the stuff up, probably tomorrow, I'm starting Strattera. I'm already doing the googling (ono) but if anyone who sees this would like to share experiences, I'm all ears.

#actuallyadhd #actuallyaudhd #medication tw #medical tw #personal #not a positivity post

[tacktrunkstudies]

Stop with the hashtags I never took you discussing your opinions as a personal attack like it's all good.

From what you said I'm gonna assume that maybe you live in north America?

I live in france and it's heaaacvily regulated here there's noooo way in hell I'd be given a prescription to a highly regulated drug after only a 2 hour session and silly little test. The only drug that's allowed here is concerta so while it is a stimulant it's not as intense as Adderall or smth similar.

Also I'd prefer if you linked some research to support your claims about the brain thing..

I am in North America, the US, where Vyvanse, Adderall, & Ritalin are incredibly easy access and Desoxyn is still used in a lot of cases, and concerta is rarely utilized.

Here's one of the summary pieces on MRIs showing decreased divergence in patients on long term amphetamine therapy.

This is a preliminary study trying to sort out whether ADHD itself is neuroprotective, making psychostimulants not recommended for lifetime use, or if the psychostimulants are the neuroprotective agent, and their conclusion is basically that more research on long-term psychostimulant therapy is needed to assess the risk and benefits and determine causation of the neuroprotective effects seen in both untreated adhd patients and treated adhd patients.

This study is now behind a paywall, unfortunately, but if you've got institutional credentials it may be accessible, and showed that patients had strengthened attention and reward centers in the brain, and their second phase (currently ongoing) is hoping to find if these benefits are retained after cessation.

https://www.nature.com/articles/s41386-024-01831-4

[saytrrose]

what were the diagnosis? Sorry I don’t mean for this to be rude or nosy just like I know you have autism and adhd !

I’m diagnosed with Autism, ADHD, PTSD, Clinical Depression, and Generalized Anxiety (GAD)

I got all this taken care of and diagnosed during my 4 years of highschool, but recently now that I’m in college I had to send in my old ARD/IEP forms from highschool to college so that I can get new accommodations and!!

I also got OCD and SPCD. I’m sure people know about OCD, but SPCD is Social Pragmatic Communication Disorder. It’s like a Speech Impairment. I can evaluate on anything if you’d like! Don’t be afraid to ask I know you mean well lol

#about me #I’m not crazy I swear I’m justbdjdjf #autistic #and I struggle with emotion #that’s basically what SPCD is #I physically can’t communicate with facial expressions or non verbally #like only words #I can’t read or perform proper body language and eye contact #and I often don’t get social ques like ihhhhh #I interrupt and don’t know when it’s my turn #also I often accidently change the subject too drastically #say things at inappropriate times #Oopsie

[talesofanaudhdnothing]

Introduction

Good morning, it’s 1pm.

I’m a vlogger at heart and hope to keep up with my channel but thought I would try another avenue of connecting? Anyways the point of that was to explain how I got so used to saying good morning to my camera that I would accidently do it at 4 or 5 pm on my way home from work in the video diaries I would make (not even to upload, I just like to talk but only to myself). Eventually I just started to do it on purpose and while i’m sure no one actually cares, I personally find it hilarious so I have claimed it as my thing.

I’m Bee and this is my blog! Could I tell you what I’ll be posting here? No. Basically, this is just a void for me to shout into just like my youtube channel. I like to think I can offer a pretty realistic and relatable perspective on life and that’s why I like to share. Because I like to consume content I can relate to, and I want to be that content for other people. I crave connection into the world I feel like an alien to. I have autism 🎉 !!! I’m not sure if it’s related but honestly, it checks. Before we go any further let me give you the alphabet soup recipe:

Level 1 ASD 

Combined ADHD

Generalized anxiety

depression

And probaby cptsd, arfid, dyscalclia ????

Aaaand as of now that’s it but give me another month or so of introspection and observation and i’ll get back to you. It’s weird taking a piece of yourself and focusing so hard to figure out what it is like that. Things I thought were just normal, aren’t. Everyone isn’t having the same thoughts and feelings and emotions as I am. Everyone is not having as tough of a time as me. I’m also hyper-independent… for some reason so that doesn’t really help with ever asking for the support I need. Weird, right?

I was officially DX with audhd on april 4th, 2023 through some place online that I still kinda squint my eyes at. But I got my silly little paper that says i’m autistic so that’s really all I needed. And tbh I could have paid for and had the best ASD evaluator in the world and I’d still be like “ ok but like..are you positive bc?”. Not because I don’t want to be autistic, god no. I was RELIEVED to discover I might be autistic. And I totally respect everyones feelings and they are very valid but I never understood being upset. To me; If you are autistic, you’ve BEEN autistic. Having the words to it isn’t going to make it worse. It doesn’t give you autism to say you’re autistic. But what it does is validate that you aren’t crazy or weird or just an outsider. You aren’t alone and now you know how to help yourself. Why would I be upset to learn that the reason I get so irrationally angry and deeply terrified when someone revs their motor is because I’m autistic and I’m not just being dramatic???

Maybe I just guessed all the right answers. I don’t do XYZ or experience XYZ like other people who are autistic so maybe I’m really not and i’ just weird and destined to never fit anywhere. What if I’m just faking symptoms (not for attention because I keep it private because I’m embarrassed). 

But I know it has to be true, deep down and it always has been and always will be. And I just want to share my experiences and my knowledge. I want to help other audhd people like me. So I want to start this blog to talk about myself; Share my experiences, pass along my knowledge, and share the good and the bad. I want people to better understand us because I know I feel chronically misunderstood. And I just wanna have fun man. I have a lot to say when it’s on my terms and I want to say it!

#latedx #autistic life #autistic women #being autistic #autistic community #autistic problems #autistic experiences #autistic adult #autistic things #autistic #adhd #actually adhd #adhd problems #adhd brain #neurodivergence #neurodivergent #executive dysfunction #autism #adhd things #neurodiversity

[kaelatargaryen]

I’m so pathetic lmao

I have adhd and anxiety/depression, also pretty sure I’ve got a touch of ‘tism as well. Currently not diagnosed with it but I have 2 siblings on my dad’s side who are on the spectrum and I’ve hit the markers for it on all the online evaluations, I just haven’t asked my doctor about it. I’m scared 😂

Anyway, one of my stims is playing with my hands and nails as well as biting my nails. If there’s a hangnail, dry cuticles or I drag my finger across and surface and I feel that it’s not smooth skin and nail, I pick or bite at it. I’ll do this until my hands look like Alicent’s and I am so vain about my nails that it would really fuck with me. I’ve tried every remedy to stop messing with my nails but nothing works except having fake nails. They keep me from getting hang nails or anything like that and I don’t bite them when nervous. They have become so necessary that my nail tech and I sit down twice a year and schedule all my appointments for every 2 weeks and anything else in life gets scheduled around that lmao

I have my biweekly nail appointment today and we’re taking my nails off for a month to give my hands a break before my next set and I’m over here anxious as fuck. We also do this 2 or 3 times a year and each time is hell for me 😅 My only consolation is that I’ll have a fresh set of claws to really kick off the beginning of spooky season, y’all’s fics and shit posting. I’m really really hoping I don’t fuck up my nails in the next 4 weeks too!!!

My appointment is in 2.5 hours so maybe y’all can distract me a bit. I follow this Instagram page and they did a lil ad-lib thing with your Big 3, mine was hysterical and pretty accurate so now I’m curious about y’all’s.

@aemondsbabygirl @asumofwords @aegonx @bouncehousedemons @babygirlyofthevale @exitpursuedbyavulcan @em-likes-to-lurk @humanpurposes @inthedayswhenlandswerefew @khaleesihel @lightningandfireinmybones @marthawrites @ohhstark @oneeyedvisenya @qyburnsghost @randomdragonfires @sapphire-writes @st-eve-barnes @valeskafics

And literally anyone else that sees this. Gimme all the laughs lmao 🫶🏼

#house of the dragon fandom #hotd #alicent hightower #vibes #astrology #big 3 #aemond targaryen #house of the dragon

[lysspossum]

I had a psych evaluation follow-up last week

It’s official! I have adhd!

I’ve known for literally years but desperately needed actual treatment, I needed someone official to back me up.

I’ve been on meds for 4 days and can feel a change already. I’m hoping this makes a difference for me in the long run. I hope now I’m able to change things for the better.

I’m so mad it took this long. I’m mad at all the time I spent hating myself because I thought I was broken in some irreversible way.

I know I have a lot of work to do still, and med adjusting will probably be in my future. but man is it good to be HEARD.

to know someone listened to me and said “I agree, here’s how I can help”

instead of “try harder/lose weight/just exercise/try using a planner/download this app/meds helped me but I’m going to discourage you from seeking them for some reason/you just have to push through/whatever else I’ve been told over the years”

[ocpdzim]

I think everyone who wants to be informed about neurodivergent issues and how they intersect with race ought to read up on the absolute shitfucked situation surrounding oppositional defiant disorder (ODD), a bullshit diagnosis that’s often applied in super racist ways.

So first of all, here are the diagnostic criteria from the DSM. I’m linking it, but I know a lot of people won’t click, so I’ll list it too.

A. A pattern of angry/irritable mood, argumentative/defiant behavior, or vindictiveness lasting at least 6 months as evidenced by at least four symptoms from any of the following categories, and exhibited during interaction with at least one individual who is not a sibling. Angry/Irritable Mood 1. Often loses temper. 2. Is often touchy or easily annoyed. 3. Is often angry and resentful. Argumentative/Defiant Behavior 4. Often argues with authority figures or, for children and adolescents, with adults. 5. Often actively defies or refuses to comply with requests from authority figures or with rules. 6. Often deliberately annoys others. 7. Often blames others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior. Vindictiveness 8. Has been spiteful or vindictive at least twice within the past 6 months.

  B. The disturbance in behavior is associated with distress in the individual or others in his or her immediate social context (e.g., family, peer group, work colleagues), or it impacts negatively on social, educational, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

C. The behaviors do not occur exclusively during the course of a psychotic, substance use, depressive, or bipolar disorder. Also, the criteria are not met for disruptive mood dysregulation disorder.

It’s also worth noting that in an accompanying “severity” section, the diagnostic criteria notes that this diagnosis can be applied at the “mild” level even if the person only meets diagnostic criteria in a single setting, like school or home, but has no symptoms anywhere else! Another note that I left out because it was super long but is accessible in the link specifies that if they’re older than 5, the person being diagnosed only needs to show these “symptoms” once a week. There is no adjustment made anywhere for the situation the person might be in, meaning that even if someone is being actively harassed by others and only lashing out in reaction to that - you know, like any person would do - they can still be diagnosed with ODD. As you can see, noncompliance with authority is directly listed as a “symptom,” multiple times, without any concern for evaluating whether there might have been valid reasons for that defiance.

On its own I think it is already fairly obvious that this is a diagnosis intended mainly to pathologize people who won’t blindly submit to anyone in a position of power over them, hurt them in retaliation for their defiance, and enforce compliance with authority. A child who stands up against abusive parents, an activist who defies the police, and a worker who refuses to comply with abusive workplace conditions could all be diagnosed with ODD without even really stretching the criteria.

However, where this becomes especially insidious is its interaction with race and ADHD. Black children are disproportionately likely to be diagnosed with ODD, and it’s a heavily stigmatized diagnosis that follows them and continues to pathologize any attempt to exert personal agency for the rest of their lives. In a study where psychiatrists were sent vignettes about a child’s behavior and asked to diagnose the child, vignettes labeled as being about Black children received 56% more diagnoses of ODD than vignettes labeled as being about White children - aside from the labeled race, these vignettes were otherwise completely identical.

Probably the best article I’ve seen about this topic is Ballentine’s 2019 Understanding Racial Differences in Diagnosing ODD Versus ADHD Using Critical Race Theory, which is sadly behind a paywall. Since you can’t read it directly unless you find some way around that, I’ll provide a basic summary even though I can’t really do it justice, but the actual article goes into far more detail so if you can figure out a way to get ahold of it that would be better. Basically, though, epidemiological studies find that White kids have equal or even higher rates of ODD than Black kids, but real-world inspections of who actually gets diagnosed show that Black kids are disproportionately diagnosed with ODD, while White kids are disproportionately diagnosed with ADHD when showing similar symptoms, likely because of racist perceptions of Black kids as more dangerous or defiant than White kids even when their behavior is the exact same. This is especially bad because ODD diagnosis is associated with increased rates of incarceration and other negative outcomes, so it is pushing kids who are are already vulnerable towards those outcomes, and because a child who is diagnosed with ODD when they should’ve been diagnosed with ADHD instead won’t get ADHD treatment that they may need, and there are already racial disparities in access to ADHD treatment. 

Both the papers linked operate under the assumption that ODD is a valid diagnosis, but honestly, I think it should be removed from the DSM entirely, for reasons previously stated - not only is it often applied in a racist way, the whole diagnostic criteria are based on enforcing compliance and someone who has been diagnosed with ODD is at high risk of not having their agency respected or their concerns taken seriously, because disagreements with authority and dissatisfaction with mistreatment become viewed as “symptoms” rather than completely normal and human.

#this is kind of a lazy overview of the topic but. its tumblr. like 2 people will read it probably #and i need to wrap it up and get back to writing my actual paper for school about it. #i just got so mad writing the paper i couldnt keep it to the word doc. you know how it is

[mindboogling]

Maybe pay attention instead of doodling

Hello! This is a different post than what I'm used to making, especially because the post being referenced is one I made back in 2019 which you can view here! This isn't the first time I've received messages/comments along these lines, but after 4 years of personal evaluation, there are some things I think need to be mentioned.

The message of that vent comic was to express what it felt like to need stimulation in order to pay attention. Asking me to "pay attention" back then (and even now) would have been just about as helpful as telling someone who has persistent anxiety, "just don't be anxious." From anecdotes in my post, the message especially resonated with people who have ADHD, Autism, or even auditory/visual learners who need to process more than one way of learning at a time to retain optimal information. Here are some easy-to-find sources to back up how effective doodling can be for those who struggle with keeping attention and focus in the traditional sense! The Body-Brain Connection: How Fidgeting Sharpens Focus - Roland Rotz, Ph. D [ADDitude]

The Thinking Benefits of Doodling - Srini Pillay, MD. [Harvard Health] Doodlers, Unite! - Sunni Brown [TEDTalk] Study: Doodling Helps You Pay Attention - John Cloud [TIME] I hope this helps us both better understand a real issue that exists, outside of myself or my lone experiences. Embracing neurodiversity and the different ways people choose to process information is integral to an effective learning environment. Additionally, I was a sophomore in high school at the time I made that post and now I've graduated, continuing to doodle happily every day.

#the original post was a vent so i may tag it that too #vent #update: I’m. really hoping this anon was an April fools joke and that I’m just dense as a brick-

[biquoi]

to many years more 🥂

hiding this under read more because i wanted to say a few words about this year

2023 has been a real turning point for me for one specific reason: i finally got my adhd evaluation and diagnosis. i got medication for it but we’re still tweaking it, so im not feeling particularly more.. productive, yet. i am, however, broker than i was before, and even if it was something i wanted to do for at least 4 years, having the confirmation im adhd is not enough to make me feel better about it, as you might guess. so yeah you could say i am going through it atm.

but

flipping through my art to make this and looking back i am.. really, really proud of myself. fuck yeah dude, look how far i made it. im literally so satisfied with every single piece ive included here, for very different reasons! and yeah im adhd so my style has never been consistent and i keep forgetting how to do stuff but i dont care anymore!!!! look at all the cool stuff i did!!

so, cool year overall

if you want to tip me, my ko-fi’s open (you can also commission me over there)

#biquoiocs #original character #zaestya #splatoon #splatoon oc #dont know how to tag this #art year #2023 art summary #art summary #my art

[whatspringdoestothecherrytrees]

A few weeks ago I was diagnosed with ADHD . . . after blowing off my doctor’s suggestions to get evaluated for 4 years.

I’m in a weird place of reflection I guess. For me, I feel lucky because my Autistic compulsions and rigid routines and operating procedures and notes and reminders and alarms have helped me mask the chaos of my ADHD executive function.

But I can look back now with more compassion on my 14-year-old self, who thought subjects that were too easy or lacked instruction weren’t worth the time, who would hyperfocus on a special interest for 18 hours straight, who had so many interests and creative passions, who taught herself javascript and built cringey little websites and DM’d her online (only) friends, and wandered in the woods reading and writing novels, and examining interesting rocks and making notes about animals. Who was then told she was “lazy” and “coasting” and “wasting her gifts” because of a B on a science test.

In that moment, 14 yo me swore that no one would ever have that kind of leverage over me again. I finished uni first in my class, 19 years old.

oh - and the 1st semester med school me, irritated about now-disproven science we were required to learn, who had 17 tabs of pubmed articles open during lecture, reading the original research that disproved the crap some lecturer was blabbing on about. Once we got into organ systems, and actual facts and math and physiology, your girl was crushing it.

And it all is making sense. I have learned so much about myself and I am able to learn better and manage my focus cycles better. Oh and it explains my addiction to (dopamine-boosting) running, and why I had to leave all social media in 2016.

My screentime is now < 60 minutes daily - no wonder that’s helped so much.

let’s see how microdosing adderall on key days helps with my hyper brain/

#personal #actually audhd #adult audhd #newly diagnosed #audhd brain #actuallyautistic

[forgetthinking]

"I am autistic, and I struggle with basic care tasks. (This isn't the case for all autistics, but it is for many of us.)

I've been noticing, since I've been re-evaluating my life over the last year, the ways in which I struggle with basic care tasks.

I have some energy to put into care tasks, and it's not enough to cover all I need to do. Without even knowing I am autistic or having words to describe my struggle, at a young age I subconsciously realised this energy deficit and made some choices about where to channel my limited energy:

* These things very rarely get done:

House cleaning. House tidying. Nail care. Ear cleaning. Broader dental care.

* These things infrequently get done:

Eyebrow plucking. Upper lip hair waxing. Laundry being put away. Bed linen changing.

* These things I stay on top of:

Daily showering. Twice daily tooth brushing. Hair washing. Laundry washing.

(My hubby does all dishwashing.)

There's a pattern.

I prioritise the tasks that impact how I'm seen "out there".

I keep myself clean, with clean clothes, so that nobody notices that I struggle with care tasks.

Because from a young age I learned: help wasn't coming, only criticism, and the only way to survive it was to hide it.

*

I am not entirely sure why I struggle so much with care tasks, but I am sure that all of these factors are at play:

1) My interest focused brain: my brain finds it very hard to focus on things that aren't a special interest. Basic care tasks are not a special interest.

2) Difficulty switching between tasks because I get so deeply engrossed in what I am doing.

3) Getting fatigued very easily, due to related physical conditions as well as cognitive and sensory overload, and needing more rest than other people.

4) Sensory disabilities: I find a lot of basic care tasks repulsive.

5) Difficulty multi-tasking, because I give such intense focus to everything I do.

6) Difficulty with working memory (I forget that many of these tasks exist day-to-day).

7) Never having been explicitly taught to do them, and not learning this kind of thing implicitly as others may do.

8) Needing more processing time than other people for this type of task: this leaves me less free time than others, and means I am slower to complete tasks.

9) Complex trauma history, which is common among autistics.

10) My brain needs dopamine (ADHD) and care tasks drain dopamine for me.

*

And the truth is, myself and millions of autistic people worldwide are living without the care we need.

We are disabled, but we are not recognised as disabled, and we are left to struggle as best we can without carers and without any external support.

We are being failed. This is not OK.

And I want to start talking about it, without shame, because it is not my fault.

I have internalised the message that it is my fault for too long, and I no longer choose to agree with that.

Our family, and yours (if this impacts you), we deserve better.

I feel very vulnerable posting this but I hope to make the world a slightly better place by doing so ❤️

#ActuallyAutistic #actuallyadhd #executivedysfunction "

-- Spectrumy, on facebook

#actually autistic #actually adhd #executive dysfunction #pda #spectrumy

[yoiku]

Man, last week... started off optimistic and ended up in the pits kinda.

We made plans for me to join a 15 month course to find fitting job(s) with the aim of going to said jobs and trying them out. Sounds good and is something i am interested in, but after friday all i've been thinking is that maybe it's too much too soon. I'm still thinking if i can manage 3 days of workshop/week instead of 2... so diving into something that can have 4-5x 6hr days/week is making me very anxious and already feeling bad if I end up not having the energy to do it. I think its the main thing that has dropped my mood bc I know that the chances of me getting a part-time job in any of the fields that interest me and are something i could be able to do physically, is pretty nonexistent. All of those fields have severe oversupply of potential workers against the amount available jobs, in the entire country. So the chances of getting employed as someone who doesn't have any substancial studies in the field, isn't able bodied or mentally okay... Lets just say it isnt exactly an encouraging thought. I just feel like no matter what I am entirely useless when it comes to any employment that i feel i could perhaps be able to do. If an able-bodied, neurotypical and socially capable person with a suitable degree can't get a job in those fields, what are my chances? lol. I dunno. Already feels like a failure if I muster up the courage to say that I feel like I've said OK to things that I'm not actually sure about. I'm sure they'll understand if I say i'd rather focus on getting back into 3 workshop days and trying to progress my rights for therapy for now. I don't know. I feel conflicted with my own thoughts. Part of me thinks I should give it a go even if I drop out - id at least be certain that it was too much. But I also know how heavily dropping out from anything hits me mentally, so i am genuinely afraid of seeing the bottom of the pit again. The psychologist at the current evaluation course did say she thinks taking things as slowly as needed is probably the best for me considering everything they've summed up abt me so far. I'll try to talk about it at least.

On a less depressing note, the results from the various psych/neuro tests were partly curious. My mathematical skills being extremely below average wasn't a surprise, lmao! But I found it curious that the one that was the highest above average was linguistic skills, followed by the less surprisingly above average spatial awareness that involved shapes, patterns and other stuff that i think any artistic person would excel at. Accuracy was great but speed was awful, lmao. Overall I scored pretty average on the cognitive side. Worth noting is that I am medicated now and I did take my adhd meds on that day as well, so that likely helped slightly with the accuracy and overall concentration. (a lot of the tests had a time limit) Interesting tests though, and I'm glad it gets written up into my files as well, because it's more proof to the fact that my autism is mostly affecting me on the social side of things. I would be really interested to take the same tests in a busy/noisy environment or with some sort of forced interrupts like someone asking you something entirely different suddenly and see just how much of a disaster that would be trying to get back into focusing on the test tasks then, lol. That's morely likely how things are after all if we think of these tests as a measure of how will you get by in the world of working a job, unless you really have a job where you get to work alone in a perfect environment for yourself. (man i love making art at home)

#shut up yoi

[thetreetopinn]

My ADD Medication Journey Begins

I got a physical back in early August this year. While I was there, I reminded my doctor "Hey, any chance you could maybe get me the contact details for that specialist you mentioned last year so I can get an evaluation to see if I'm ADHD or ASD?". He immediately remembered that I had asked about that last year and promised he would get me her card.

Well, it slipped is mind back then, and even though I called and emailed a few times, he just didn't seem to respond.

Oh hey, turns out HE has ADD and HE takes medication. Sometimes he just forgets because he deals with a lot of patients. It wasn't anything super hardcore pressing to me, so I just let it go after a while and decided to ask when I went in for my next physical.

When I brought it up this time, he stopped me mid-sentence, walked out of the room, and returned about two minutes later with the specialist's business card. He apologized for not getting it to me sooner, advised that I should call her as soon as I leave his office, try to schedule an appointment with her, and get an evaluation done. He said that if it turns out she thinks I am in fact ADD or ASD, that I should call his office just as soon as I get out with the diagnosis, and we would have a conversation about medication.

Well, we had a conversation about medication right then and there anyway, but it still was worth calling and talking about anyway.

I called the specialist and left a message--this was around 11am.

I got a call back from her receptionist about 30 minutes later--they have an opening that day! It's around 4 or so. I tell them "YES! I WOULD LIKE TO SCHEDULE TODAY IF THAT IS OKAY!"

They slot me in. It futz around that side of town because i live in a big city that is extremely car-centric (thank you good ole US of A... [sarcasm]) and show up at her office about 15 minutes early. I don't have anything better to do, so I show up that early. I also like being early to doctor appointments because you never know what the situation will be. They may have a patient cancel and you get seen earlier. It may be that the doctor is running behind so you have to wait anyway. You might have issues fighting traffic to get there (again, thanks... Uncle Sam). I just like being early for this kind of thing.

I end up waiting the full 15 minutes that I was early because the doctor was with another patient. When she's ready, she calls me back. I don't have to wait a silly amount of time, she's just ready to see me.

We have a conversation. She goes over her pre-written questionnaire. I answer the questions to the best of my ability. I try to be honest. I try to give as much accuracy as I can and confess my lack of answer when I don't have one but try to cobble something together to provide SOME kind of insight for the question.

About 15 minutes pass as we talk. She's very affable, friendly, funny, she actually laughs at my stupid dorky humor. She asks me what I do for a living, and what I've done in the past. I explain my last few jobs and how they have not gone well for me.

She looks me in the eye and says "those are all extremely detail oriented jobs... how are you able to do them?"

Half joking, half serious, I reply with "I'm not!"

The truth is, I find little hacks and tricks to try and keep myself on task, to minimize mistakes, maximize accuracy, try to maintain a calm demeanor... but that has always been a problem for me, especially when I'm under a heavy workload... or when I'm taking a hundred calls a day from people who are just looking for someone to scream at and make actionable threats against--despite the fact that I have no power over their case, I can only get them to the person who IS handling their case. I'm just a glorified receptionist in that specific role--a role I was fired from several years ago, and fuck did it knock the wind out of me.

She looks over her notes for a moment, then looks back at me and says "Yeah, I'd say you are DEFINITELY on the spectrum, and I think you might benefit from some medication. I think you should start on Adderall, low dose, see how it affects you. Have you talked to your PCP yet?"

(I had to have it explained to me to know what that means so I'm going to just go ahead and say for anyone else who might not know and is too afraid to as: PCP = Primary Care Physician... basically, the one doctor you see regularly, if you're lucky enough to be able to do so. I went YEARS without having a PCP because insurance is a fucking nightmare)

I explained to her what he had advised, that all I had to do was call him after I got out, explain that you confirmed I'm on the spectrum and that you think I should try Adderall, which is what he recommended too. We would discuss it, answer my questions and concerns, then he would put in a prescription at the pharmacy I had on file. I didn't need to go back to his office to do it. He would just forward it over.

This whole day kind of amazed me.

I had heard all manner of horror stories about how hard it is to get evaluated as an adult. Then how hard it was to get prescribed medication. THEN there's the fact that there is STILL an Adderall shortage going on. It's not as bad as it was, but it's still causing problems.

I call my doctor as soon as I'm out--he's already gone for the day but I leave a message explaining the situation. The specialist forwards confirmation of the diagnosis over to his office, it's all in order.

And then I wait. And wait. And wait. And wait. After two weeks, I try to call his office to try and catch him for a conversation. Have to leave a message. I do this every couple of weeks until about the end of September when HE calls ME back while I'm working from home and while I pace around my bedroom chatting with him about the situation, he tells me everything I want to know, what to expect, what to do if I have trouble getting medication, it's all groovy. He says he wants to have a follow-up with me--if I recall correctly it can be just over the phone, I don't need to go into the office I don't think. I'm sure I'll find out later--once I've been on the medication and have enough experience with it to see how it's affecting me, then we can adjust dosage or try something else, or maybe I'm good with the 20mg twice daily situation. He wants to follow-up and see.

He says he's going to forward the prescription over that day. And so he does.

It's a pharmacy that's in a grocery store. I've gotten one or two prescriptions filled there before. It's fine. Nothing to write home about. This grocery store I will not openly name, but it rhymes with Dom Crumb... those of you who live in the southeast United States probably already know exactly which store I'm talking about... and how it shares a name with a character from English folklore about a very tiny lad about the size of one's... well... only opposable digit on their hand.

The pharmacy does not call. I figure, okay, they just don't have any medication in stock. There's a shortage after all... all us millennials are eating it all up because holy fuck do we need some help just being able to function HAHAHAHA LATE STAGE CAPITALISM ISN'T PURPOSEFULLY OVERLY COMPLEX AND TRAUMATIZING AT ALL!!

So I wait about a week, then I try to call, but their automated system doesn't give me the option to speak to a pharmacist, a tech, a live person at all. It doesn't even let me leave a message. Fun.

I decide to go in person after work. It's just around the corner, picked because of how close and convenient it is. I shop there all the time anyway. I wait patiently behind other folks, then politely explain my situation to the lady behind the counter and she--very helpfully--starts looking up information and goes into the back to see if they have any in stock.

Alas, they do not. She also advises me that there is a hold on my prescription BECAUSE they don't have any in stock, and that there are other prescriptions ahead of me, so depending on how much they get in their next delivery, I might not be filled at that time and have to wait longer.

Again, this is no big deal to me. I understand. Supply chain issues. Greedy pharmaceutical companies not producing enough because it probably increases demand--or maybe they just underestimated how absolutely and deeply FUCKED my generation is. I tell them I'll check back in a couple of weeks.

So I wait. A couple of weeks pass. I check. Still none in stock. This repeats SEVERAL TIMES until THE WEEK OF THANKSGIVING.

I remind you--I got an evaluation and diagnosis back in early August. It is now LATE NOVEMBER and they finally say they have some in stock. The lady asks if I can wait. I tell her I've got some shopping to do and I'll wander on back later.

I do my shopping. I wait patiently. I do my thing. I come back and the lady flags me down.

"We do have it in stock but... I'm afraid your prescription has expired. You'll need to get a new one from your doctor."

UGH... are you kidding me?!?

I comport myself well. I'm understanding and polite. It's been a long while, sure, and I'm hugely disappointed, but I understand. Out of curiosity, I ask when the prescription expired.

She says it ended back at the end of September.

***GIANT. FUCKING. EYE-TWITCH.***

Again, I comport myself well in public. Inside, I'm FUMING.

WHY WOULD THEY NOT TELL ME THAT MY PRESCRIPTION HAD EXPIRED DURING ANY OF MY LAST FIVE VISITS?

Whatever... whatever, they probably don't check the paperwork until the meds arrive. Fine.

I call my doctor's office, worried I'm going to have a hell of a time getting someone to help me out just like it took so long to have the convo with my doc in the first place.

I get a call back--I forget exactly when. It might have been same day. It might have been the next. It might have been a couple of days. Regardless, it's a lot sooner than I feared.

I had left a message explaining the situation and the medical assistant says "I see that you need a new prescription for Adderall. But I also see a note on the file that the doctor wants to follow-up with you before refilling, so we can schedule a time for you to get with him to have that follow-up."

"I mean... okay, if you need to have him sign off on it before you send it, I understand, but the follow-up was to check on me after I had started it and been taking it for a while to see how I was doing. I haven't even GOTTEN the medication yet. I haven't been able to START taking it yet. Is there any way you can send a new prescription to my pharmacy so I get this ball rolling?"

He realizes he misread the transcription of the message: "OOOH... you haven't even GOTTEN it yet?!? WOW... okay yeah, we'll go ahead and submit a new prescription for you."

Our communication mishap is resolved, we end the call in a jovial fashion, I'm feeling pretty mildly okay. Things have been super stressful elsewhere in life for the last several months, and have only just really gotten real bad all over again and so if this is one thing I can get settled... I'm down to clown.

I get a call from the pharmacy THAT. DAY. Not even three hours later.

Fucking baller. Love it.

The pharmacy says they can't fill my prescription.

...wat...

They cite some law about needing to be within 20 miles of the prescribing doctor's office because it's a controlled substance.

It's Texas. I 100% believe the asshat lawmakers in this state have ABSOLUTELY taken ridiculously egregious steps to limit access to legally prescribed medications for a wide variety of reasons. No doubt, the front-facing explanation is "We want to make sure no one is using it as precursor to making Meth" and sure... that's a legit concern... but it's 60 pills, 20 mg each, my first prescription. I have no history of getting this anywhere else. I'm literally new to this. It shouldn't raise any red flags.

I'm willing to bet that these same asshat lawmakers also have a pretty dim view of mental health care.

"You don't have ADD, you're just hyper and lazy and undisciplined. You just need Jesus and a boot in the ass. NOW GET TO WORK!!" or some shit like that. Not saying they all think this... but I'm willing to bet a disgustingly shocking number of them do. Don't have proof. Just have experience with how fucked up my state is, and how the dominant party has--as a matter of record--acquitted a man who is credibly accused of getting an underage girl drunk and taking advantage of her. I won't use the R word here because I know some folks are triggered by it, but yeah... that's what he did. That's the state I live in. And moving out of state is prohibitively expensive... also, I wouldn't know where the fuck to go. My job is here. I can't take it with me I'm pretty sure, despite working part of every week from home.

Anyway, getting into the weeds: shit's fucked, yo.

The pharmacy won't fill the prescription. I frantically start trying to find proof of this law. I can't find it. I go on google maps and measure. Straight line from the doctor's office to the grocery store is 16.5 miles. So that's absolute fucking bullshit--unless they're going but like... DRIVEN miles... HORRAY!! MORE LOVE FOR THE CAR-CENTRIC CITY!!!

I call up my doctor's office and leave another message. I explain that the pharmacy says they can't fill it because of some 20 mile law. It's Friday. I know the doctor isn't in the office. I'm not expecting a call back that day.

As a fact finding mission--not really expecting to get any movement or satisfying answer--after I get off work, I go over to a local Walgreens. It's literally a block from where I live, even closer than the grocery store. The pharmacy is open until 9pm. I go in, I wait in line, and then I ask the pharmacy if they have Adderall in stock, if they know anything about a 20 mile law, and explain that the Rom Bum just down the street is cock blocking me on getting my brain fixed.

He's very disappointed to hear this. He doesn't know anything about a ***20*** mile law, but he's heard of a ***50*** mile law. I try to look this up later but I can't find anything about it either. Maybe I'm not searching in the right places. Maybe it's not a law, maybe it's a store policy and the pharmacists just SAY it's a law? I don't know. The Walgreens pharmacist gives me all kinds of options to get around the Adderall shortage--because it's specifically the 20mg he's having trouble keeping in stock. He offers the suggestion of different dosages taken at different frequencies. I politely tell him "Well, this is what my doctor wants me to start on to see how it affects me. Maybe we can adjust later once we know more."

He accepts this, apologizes that I've had so much trouble at the other place, and says "Yeah, if we can get someone at your doctor's office on the phone to confirm--because it's a controlled substance--then we should be able to fill it no problem if we have it in stock."

I thank you for his help and go home. I go to bed, unbelievably livid over this whole situation. Like... all day since I got the call from Gom Rum... I'm just... infuriated. I want to scream. I actually do scream, into one of my pillows. I want to break things. So I grab my pillow and start slamming it on to my mattress as hard as I can until I wear myself out. This is the only thing I will allow myself to do because I'm not apt to break anything--and yeah... I have anger issues. I have a BREATHTAKING temper. From what I understand, emotional disregulation is another symptom of ADD or ASD so... hey, it's in my fucking wheelhouse.

I knock my glasses off in the wild swinging of my arms to get some sense of physical satisfaction in wanting to do harm. I step on them and knock a lens out. Thankfully, it pops back in, but I have bent the frame just EVER so slightly and so I'm going to have to figure out how to bend it back so my glasses are more level on my face.

This is why I need to get my shit handled. This is why I self-isolate. This is why I stay away from people. Because I do shit LIKE THIS and I just... cannot control my temper sometimes. It's frustrating and it leaves me absolutely hating myself for failing to keep it together, for breaking something, for losing my cool, for letting the mask slip and showing the monster underneath. I'm told that ADD medication can help with this.

That bit doesn't click until much, much later. At any rate, I'm absolutely exhausted, angry, depressed, and thinking I should just give up on this whole endeavor because I've got too much other shit to put up with to deal with this nonsense as well.

I hold off on making any decision on that for the moment, because decisions made while emotional are frequently regretted. Ask me how I know.

The weekend passes and I just kind of sit in a funk the whole time. Nothing seems fun or enjoyable. Nothing holds my interest. I just coast through the weekend watching Youtube mainly.

When Monday comes... there's no return call from the doctor's office all day. Tuesday, I call and leave a message again. No call back the rest of the day. That's not unexpected, but it's still disappointing and it's getting me pissed off all over again. The decision to give up is gaining popularity in my brain.

Wednesday morning, at about 8:45 am, I've only just gotten into the office, I'm setting up, my phone is set to vibrate--but stupidly, I didn't learn my lesson from the lengthy game of phone tag back in September--the doctor's office calls.

I miss the call. ...FUCK...

I see the notification pop up on the screen after the fact, saying I have a voicemail. I lock my computer and hurry off to some quiet place where I can have a phone call without disturbing everyone else on the floor. I call, expecting to have to leave another message.

They pick up.

They actually pick up. Holy shit, red letter day, I've got a live person on the phone.

They say they got my message, they ask me a few questions like "Are they just saying they need to delay? They need more time?"

I tell them, "No... they are straight up refusing to fill the prescription because of some 20 mile law I can't find on the books, and the pharmacy is 16.5 miles from your office. I don't get it. I don't understand why I'm having so much trouble. Can we move it to a different pharmacy? I'm kind of done with this place."

The lady on the phone is disappointed and disturbed by this information, so she happily lets me pick a new pharmacy. It just so happens that because of my little fact-finding mission Friday night, I have one already picked out. I give her the details, she confirms, it's all good, she says she'll send it over that day.

At least I've got the doctor's office side of this taken care of. Now we just wait to see how Walgreens decides to dick me over.

Sports-fans, you will never guess what happens next.

I have another missed call at 3pm that same day.

It's Walgreens.

I have an email from them too.

MY PRESCRIPTION IS READY TO PICK UP.

THEY FILLED IT WITHIN 6 HOURS OF RECEIVING IT. IT'S READY. I CAN GO PICK IT UP TONIGHT!!! HOLY SHIT!! OH MY GOD IT'S A MOTHER FUCKING MIRACLE!!!

Unfortunately, I have another errand to run and I don't know how long it will take to get that sorted out. I have to drop my car off to get some maintenance done on it. Something about the CV boots leaking grease on the engine... the place actually showed me photos of my car doing this when I got the oil changed a month back. I didn't have the money at the moment to take it on so I decided "Let me save up a couple of paychecks and we'll tackle it... possibly December, no later than January. I don't drive that much. My commute to work is 10 minutes on the side roads. I can wait a bit longer than most."

Well, the situation happened to yield good results, I was able to get the money I need in my bank account to pay for the maintenance. I just needed to drop the car off overnight. They'd get it fixed over the course of half a day, call me when it's ready, and I can come pick it up. They even set me up with a loaner car in the interim... and fuck did I stress the hell out about my complex possibly towing it because I didn't get back home until after the front office was closed (it wouldn't have made any difference to call ahead of time, I wouldn't have the loaner car's details to give them).

I get the loaner, I head back up towards where I work, pass it, and go the other direction towards home... fun stuff needing to go in the opposite direction of home to do something right after work. Makes everything take so much longer to get done, but whatever. I've got the loaner, my car is gonna get worked on, I'll get it back tomorrow unless there's something that throws a monkey wrench into the plan.

I head up to Walgreens, I get my prescription. I go to a bookstore to buy a physical copy of "Project Hail Mary" because the audiobook I've got is damn good and I want a physical version I can hold... just in case... you know... Audible/Amazon decides to be a colossal dick. Then I pick up dinner. Tacos, from a really good taco place. I'm celebrating the fact that this whole Adderall thing has actually finally paid off. Now I just need to start taking it to see how it affects me.

That will come in the morning.

For now, tacos and tatter tots. Oh and youtube, lots of youtube. I watch lots of stuff on youtube. And the whole Somerton situation has shaken loose a lot of videos from a lot of people talking about it. And happily, it's not just rehashing the same details. They're all looking at it from different angles. Like "Why did we fall for this?" "How do we move forward?" "What should we as leftists do to try and keep this from happening again?" "What changes can and should we make?" stuff like that. It's great. I love seeing people try to problem solve rather than just try to dog-pile on. It's real NASA level shit and I'm a space nerd so NASA is my jam--as is their approach to so much of what they do. Just ask me about how I help my mom plan to cook large meals for holidays... I call it a flight plan... and it's one, giant recipe, planning out what needs to be done in what order, starting with prep and ending with service. Love me a good flight plan.

Just almost never have the will, interest, or focus to build flight plans for other aspects of my life, so I just end up winging it a lot. It works okay, but not always.

That's one reason why I wanna try the Adderall I've got sitting on my desk staring at me while I've got a mouth full of taco.

Among other reasons. I hear it's a mild appetite suppressant, and if it helps keep me from snacking between meals, hey, I might just lose a little weight, make my pants fit a little better, get some flexibility back. But... tomorrow. Not now. Now, I need to be able to sleep.

And sleep I do, grateful that at least one major issue has finally FINALLY been dealt with and I can actually FINALLY START this journey properly.

From early August to early December. Roughly four whole months, and I am less than 12 hours away from starting a medication that may help me get my brain to act a bit better, help me focus, help me even my temper out, help me lose weight--I honestly don't know what all it might do... hell, it might not do anything. I could have no reaction. Or an allergic reaction. No way to tell. That last one is super rare, but... with my luck and my allergies... I don't rule it out and keep in mind that I might need to call for rescue if I have a problem.

That was last night.

Today was my first day on the meds.

I've started a log of what I notice while I'm on the pill.

I'm going to collect data, review it, share it with my doctor, and we can make whatever decision best addresses what I find.

So far though, I'm encouraged. I'm very encouraged. It didn't have any shocking, intensely powerful effect... it's just been one day. I'm told it takes a week or two for the dosage to build up and start showing signs.

But what I've experienced so far... I'm encouraged.

It's hard to tell if it was because of the medicine, or if it was just because I had a really good day at work, but I'm energized, I'm enthusiastic, I have energy again... and I... may have... forgotten to eat my lunch (I did a lot of training today, people learning how to do workflows that I have information on, so I didn't have much time to stop and eat). The appetite suppressant aspect kept me from feeling hungry, so I wasn't distracted by that. That was nice.

We'll see how tomorrow goes.

Let me know if you'd like to read what I've got in my log. I feel like this might be info that other folks could find helpful or useful... or maybe more experienced ADD folks on the same medication can offer advice for how I can maximize what benefits I get from this... or share things to watch out for.

I'm new to this, and I'd love feed back.

Let me know if you wanna read the log. I don't really care about being too insanely private about it--though I don't have anything too revealing in it, nor plan on putting anything too revealing in it.

Anyway... yeah... long post is long.

This is probably the longest thing I've written since... fuck... February? March? And I felt good writing it.

Again, not sure if it was just how the day went, or if it's the meds.

But I'm hopeful about finding out more.

#Long post #journal #ADD #Attention Deficit Disorder #Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder #Personal Journey #Fuck the American health care system #Dragon Rant #Smokey's ADD Meds Journey

[hot-girls-favorite-is-daniel]

Me when I realize I only mentally made friends with someone and haven’t actaully ever even talked to them and that inside joke isn’t actually annide joke because Ei never said it to them and we need to be a level 4 friend also I’m sad and I would like you to know also is it concerning how little motivation I have and how it took me months to finish a drawing and I have a long list of things I’ve been wanting to do for actaul months but didn’t bc I’m a hoe like that, anyway my evaluation had been postponed so no I’m not sure what’s wrong with me , but they said I probably very mudhv have adhd and axiety but tbh I haven’t really felt bad feelings as extreme as I used to the last 2 or 3 ish months, like I used to be so empathetic but now I can just say womp womp cry abt it couldn’t be me and move on :|

#Vent #its my bed time 😝 #✌️😜

[gonegirl1996]

Got my calc 2 exam grade back…..

I’m disappointed that I got a B and I’m feeling a tad emotionally dysregulated(want to fucken d!e) because of the damn grade and I know it’s not even serious like I got a damn B and there’s ppl who straight up got F’s. Hate and exhausted @ being bpd + adhd so I am looking look at the faxxx of the situation to calm myself down I have 1. adhd so my studying is going to be compromised 2. I am getting tolerant on my meds so they aren’t working like they used too 3. I studied the best I can with using a web blocking tool, phone lock box, and at the library 4. I had something going on in my life where I was putting all my focus and attention to and balancing school and that little something is not feasible. 5. I think I got more fixated in making my notes look pretty rather than doing problem after problem. 6. I used music to study which was a bad idea 7. Calc 2 is hard for the majority. It sits at the most failed course. 8. Even my prof warned on the first day of class to everyone that calc 2 is gonna take effort and work 9. I need to remember where tf I came from cuz it was only in 2019 where I couldn’t even do elementary math

Here’s to learning from my mistakes and improving for the next exam! I think I’m ok now that I evaluated the situation.

#dbt #check the facts skill #school