#and it'll just be a waste of meds | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

carlplsrailme · 2 years

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𝐬𝐡𝐮𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐮𝐜𝐤 𝐮𝐩 | 𝐜𝐚𝐫𝐥 𝐠𝐫𝐢𝐦𝐞𝐬

summary: carl and y/n hate each other, and Carl finally has enough and decides to fuck the attitude out of her

carl grimes x fem!reader

cw: mirror fucking, heavy degradation, manhandling, hate fucking, no pet names except for 'baby'

word count: 2k

request: do you take requests? if so could you write a oneshot where the reader and carl ‘hate’ eachother and they’re forced to go on a run together by rick but then they argue the whole way there and when they get inside the house or whatever he’s sick of her attitude so he fucks her infront of a mirror and degrades the fuck out of her lol with lines like ‘look at you falling apart for me’

you stretch your jaw as the trees whip past the window, lips puckered together as you refuse to speak to your...company

"you can't ignore me forever," he says with an audible scoff, you can feel from here how his eyes rolled back in his head.

Rick made you guys go on a run together, nothing serious, just to check a convenience store's pharmacy for any leftover meds, except there are two problems.

1: Rick already knows it's a lost cause checking for meds in the most obvious of places, it'll be empty, we already know that.

and 2: You're driver had to be that jackass himself, Carl

So why does this jackass need to annoy you this entire drive? he hates you, the least he can do is shut up for himself

you sink deeper in the leather seats as you rub your lips together to keep them silent, already wishing you were back in Alexandra instead of this useless run

"Fine. don't talk, I'm just trying to make sure we come home with meds" he huffs and turns back to the jagged road, chest staggered and jaw twitching with anger

"Oh come'on, you don't actually think there's gonna be meds, right?" you almost laugh as you sit up to turn to the one-eyed boy

"This is your daddy's way of us getting along." you hiss. 'matter of factly' voice stretching through your tone

"Don't think you're so special, he wouldn't waste gas for us to start talking" he bit the corner of his lip as his grip on the wheel turned white as he tried for you not to get to him

"You've been such a fucking prick since you got here. head too big that your daddy's the main man and now you think you own the fucking place" you yell, waving your arms around as he shooks his head to struggle a laugh

"You were the one that I tried to get along with but YOU were too full of yourself to say hi, YOU scoffed and walked away the moment I approached you" You continue. raising your voice a little too loud as you make your point

"maybe if you were such a fucking brat I would be at home right now." you cross your arms and stare back at the window.

"maybe if you could read situations better I'd be at home too." he whispered. you squinted your eyes while your brows furrowed down about to turn to carl for him to elaborate but the slam of the car stopping caught your attention first

"Were here"

"Told you. absolute bullshit." you huff while you lean on the counter, Carl paces back and forth down the aisle trying to find anything to show they did something

"He wouldn't have us risk our lives for some field trip of being friends." He says, back turned to you as he picks up random things, blowing off the dust as he reads the packaging before placing it back down

"Honestly, with how shits turning out right now I wouldn't cross it off as a possibility" you sang as you messed around with a pen, laying your back on the counter as you waited for Carl to be done

"Fuck, can you try to do some shit instead of just laying there" He spat, resting one arm on the cold empty shelves as he looks at you

"Fine, dammit" you shouted, grabbing your knife and hopping off the counter, you jogged over to one of the rooms in the back, not thinking twice before swinging the door open as a walker leaned into you

"Fuck!" you said as adrenaline rushed through your veins, his grimy teeth trying to nip at your arm before your blade met his demise...well, his second demise

the walker splatted on the floor as you turn to a very shocked carl who already had his gun pointed up

"See that? the dumb shit that your dad is putting us through? He nearly nipped my arm and that's on you" you huffed, he opened his mouth to respond but you walked passed him

"I'll be in the car."

"I said I'm sorry!" his voice rang as you stomped up his steps, ready to give Rick one hell of a speech

"doesnt.fucking.matter" you said sternly, he was trailing right behind you yet you still slammed the door on him, making him even more pissed

"where the hell is that cop?" you yelled, running upstairs as Carl grabbed your arm, you tugged it off you as you started walking to one of the rooms upstairs

"just- fuck- can you listen to me?" he shouted but you twisted one of the doorknobs and stumbled into a boyish room you can only assume belongs to carl

Carl followed with you, right as you entered the room he closed the door to keep you put, closing his eyes to try and collect the very little patience he had left

"move. asshole" and then you took it

"FUCK! do you ever just shut the fuck up?!" he yelled, anger getting the best of him as you stood with widened eyes, never having Carl yell at you like this

He walked closer to you, noses almost touching as his jaw clenched in anger

"It's all I ever hear! just you whining and complaining! I'm so fucking sick of it"

you stare at him with nothing to say, completely stunned at his sudden demeanor, he relaxed his shoulders with a slight sigh

with a sudden swoop he grabbed your jaw, lips attacking yours as he made out with you

"see? so much fucking better" he hissed, teeth clanking together in another kiss as he picked you up by your thighs, slamming you into the wall, you gasped and he took that chance to slide his tongue into your annoyingly sweet mouth

your tongues lapped together as you felt something shift in him, his cock throbbing in his jeans as they rubbed up to your ever begging cunt

he groaned on your lips, taking them away for a breather as his fingers tugged on your chin to look up at him

"fuck, I don't hate you" he got interrupted by himself closing his eye as his dick asked for attention

"I never have, I didn't 'scoff and walk away' I mumbled an 'excuse me' and stubbled off because I didn't know how to talk to you" He says with a slight chuckle, your eyes were glued on his as you felt guilt build up in you

"then..." he sang, a cocky smile on his lips as you already know what he's gonna say

"you started being a fucking brat" he threw your head to the side as he let go of your chin, kissing your lips again as his hand neared your clothed pussy

he slowly rubbed you through your jeans, fluttering at the sensation but you needed more

"don't fucking tease" "don't fucking speak." he raised his voice, you zipped up immediately in shock, but you couldn't help the way his tone had your back slightly arching off the wall

he kissed you again, fingers wrapping around your zipper and unbuttoning your jeans before your panties were in view

he had you stand on your own for a second as he brought them down, hooking his fingers on your panties before pulling them down, an embarrassing amount of slick piled up on them as he looked up to you with an innocently confused stare -and an out of place smirk strained on his lips

he quickly pocketed the panties as he had his jeans hung low on his hips, enough for his boxers to be pulled down, and his cock to be revealed

your eyes were stuck on it, pretty red tip leaking with pre and angry veins traveling up his cock, it stood proud as he tapped your thighs for them to hop up on him again

your legs wrapped around his hips as he lined himself up with you, twitching in anticipation and a slight whine coming from your voice

"just wait, don't be annoying" he watched as you clenched and unclenched around nothing at his tone

he slowly entered his tip in, a groan vibrating from his chest as fucked himself deeper in your needy pussy

"Carl" you couldn't help but moan, he was stretching you out so so good, cock bullying his way in and you loved every second of it

when he was fully in, he waited -for you to adjust at first...then, just to play with you

you whined his name again but this time in frustration, rolling your hips back and forth on him as his head tilted up, moaning your name as he went back down to kiss you

"that's it baby, work yourself up f'me" he slurred, his eyes catching the full body mirror right next to you guys as a smirk found its way on his lips

he grabbed you by the chin and turn to look at yourself in the mirror

you almost didn't recognize yourself, hair disheveled as your pupils blown wide with being laced over in tears of frustration, your drooling cunt was desperately trying to give the friction you knew only Carl could give you at this point

"look at you falling apart for me" he says with a taunting smile, you begged for him to move, he rolled his eyes and gave you one sharp thrust just to shut you up

"fuck!" you whimpered at the thrust, clenching yourself tighter around him to give an unspoken message to please do it again

"fuck, don't fucking do that-" he groaned, your pussy sucked him in deeper, whining for more and he was gonna give it to you

he gave another sharp thrust as you cried out for him, he picked up the pace as he started to ram in your tight little hole,

"fuck- do you know how- how long I've wanted this?" he said in staggered breathes, you felt tears run down your cheeks as his cock hit your cervix

"-wanted to see you turning into a mess for me? just look at yourself baby" he turned your head so you can watch as he fucked himself into you, his cock stretching you out so perfectly as he hit deep in you

"C-Carl please-"

"Don't try and beg now. You were being annoying and now you have to fucking pay for that shit. I've dealt with you all.fucking.day" he matched up his words with thrusts, you yelped on his cock

your fingernails dug deep in his shoulders as you screamed his name, your legs squeezed him impossibly closer as you cried harder his cock

"'m gonna c-cum" you moaned, his dick ruthless as he somehow fucked you harder, filling you to the brim before pulling back to his tip and ramming back inside

"fuck- cum for me baby, cream on his fucking dick for me" he said as his feral thursts quicked,

"p-please don't stop" you said head empty, pretty pussy tightening around him, he grabbed your head and forced your to watch yourself as you came all over him, you whimpered in embarrassment but couldn't help the way your pussy twitched at the sight

"that's it baby, let it all out on me" he growled, you laid limp in his arms as fucked up into you, just like a little pretty doll for him to fuck, his own personal fuck doll he railed the attitude out of

"fuck! m'cumming" he hissed, cum shooting deep in your womb as he laid a few more thrusts out, he pulled himself out as he watched cum spill out of your hole, and he place his thumb to keep it in before a devilish smirk found him

"see baby?" he let go of your shaking legs for them to slide on the floor, tumbling into his chest as he tilted your head up once more, kissing your lips to whisper against them,

"it's not that hard to just...shut the fuck up"

an: ahhh my first request! I hope you enjoyed it anon <3 I had lots of fun writing this! don't be scared to message me any request I'll be happy to write something up for you guys hehe ♡ mwah! bye guys!

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affordablepunk · 4 months

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How to DIY energy drinks for cheap

First, required reading: link to article

Energy drinks have a few vital components:

>sweetener

>flavor

>water

>caffeine

>bubbles (i never do that and don't know how)

Here are some of my favorite things to use:

>granulated sugar (sweetener)

>stevia leaf or granulated artificial sweetener (sweetener)

>kool aid (flavor, sweetener)

>loose-leaf herbs (flavor) (try hibiscus petal, chicory, even lemongrass and mint can be nice)

>lemon juice (flavor, preservative)

>kool aid (easiest flavor/sweetener combo)

Supplies you might need:

>kettle or pot for heating water

>tea strainer ball to keep your leaves out of the final product

>a nice ragu jar or old Gatorade bottle for pre-made stuff

>funnel for pourin

>ladle for scooping liquid into the funnel

Kaffn-8 or any other such liquid caffeine product will do you for caffeine. That brand is super easy and convenient. Kaffn-8 is my favorite for the quality and ease in dosing, as well as the value (15 bucks has lasted me 2 months of daily use).

I like to make a sugar-flavor concentrate, then assemble each glass as I need it. Sugar tastes better when melted with heat than when dissolved without heat, even once chilled. This also allows me to tweak caffeine content. Here is how to make it:

Fill tea ball with herbs (use about a handful or 1/2 cup for every quart of water, you're making it strong)

Heat water and pop the tea ball in

Simmer or keep hot for 10 min

Remove tea ball and turn off heat

While hot, add as much sugar as you had herbs, and mix until melted.

Mix in as much lemon juice (or other assorted acid or preservative) as you can stand. The more preservative, the longer it'll keep

Allow to cool enough to handle

Jar it up, put it in the fridge for later use. You can and should re-use all manner of bottle, just be wary of melting anything plastic or burning your hands w hot water.

A note: the smaller your batches, the less you waste. But high concentrations of acid and sugar keep it good for up to a month in the fridge.

To use: mix water in a cup with your syrup, tweaking concentrations until it tastes good. Add caffeine, measuring your dose carefully.

Then, do bubble magic to add carbonation if you can do that. Maybe you found a soda stream somewhere. If you don't have bubbles, you'll just have to enjoy your energy drinks flat.

And, you're all done!

Now, where to get everything:

(Grow your own herbs if you are mega brave. Mints are nearly indestructible little plants.)

Lemon juice, dollar store. Quality is the same, you've just got to shake it up.

if its a foreign grocer, they likely have herbs cheap. If its a Mexican grocery, they 100% have the best herbs. (Aguasfrescas drink mixes are cheap and THE BOMB, and hibiscus flower always comes in mega bulk) .

Herbalist and spiritual shops have herbs too, and are likely to have tea balls. Branch out! Catnip has been my favorite oddball herb.

Farmers markets also have some (like three if you're lucky) herbs, and you may have to dry them yourself. Since it's punk to reach out to your community, ask around at the farmers market to see if you can get any herb or dried flavorant that's on your mind- small businesses love consumer feedback! You just might have to wait for the plant to grow, heh, but if you're friendly then you'll make friends. Some examples: ask the jam bottler for dried fruit peels, the farmer for mugwort

I get my artificial sweeteners on closeout, my stevia from herbal shops, and my sugar at Walmart (bite me, its cheap and I'm poor).

Kaffn-8 can only be found online, as far as I'm aware. I promise I'm not sponsored, just a grateful caffeine addict.

Do Google your herbs for drug interactions if you take meds. Healthline has good info on herbs. Dried grapefruit rind can mess with my psych meds, for example.

Again, be careful about caffeine. Always dose your caffeine. Having high levels of caffeine on tap is a bit of a big responsibility: I know I nearly bit the dirt from the all-you-can-eat espresso bar at my college. Immaturity could kill you, caffeine is a drug. Count doses, never go above 500 a day, try not to go more than 200 in the same hour.

Now take that money you've saved and give it to a charity to blow a very mean raspberry at nestle. Or, yknow, feed yourself. Its a tough world.

#energy drinks #diy #diy energy drinks #frugal living #i am poor

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cactusnymph · 6 months

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I'd love to see hand holding #33 with Shadowheart/Lae'zel, where Shad is out of magic and Lae'zel is bandaging Shad's hand?

"Tsk'va, hold still!", Lae'zel snarls while Shadowheart does her best to bring as much distance between the two of them as possible while Lae'zel for some godforsaken reason tries bandaging her hand. This is ridiculous. This is absolutely not who they are. They fight, they insult each other, exchange threats and jabs until someone else has enough of their bickering and tells them to shut up or forcefully separates them to different sides in the camp.

And gods, Lae'zel is bad at this.

Her clawed fingers are rough and calloused and her movements jerky as she cleans the gushing wound on Shadowheart's hand with the expression of someone who's thinking about where to cut a deer carcass to grill it later.

This is a person who is a trained killing machine and knows nothing of healing and stitching things back up. And yet.

And yet here Lae'zel is, her face scrunched up in frustration, her eyes sharp as she stares down at the wound that simply won't stop bleeding.

"Why are you even doing this", Shadowheart asks, her voice as flippant as possible. She feels a little dizzy from blood loss already and whenever she has no magic left she feels terrible drained and heavy. "Don't your people just kill children when they're not good enough at holding a sword?"

Lae'zel stares at her with obvious disdain before she spits on the ground next to Shadowheart. Then she goes back to her bloody work.

"My Queen has betrayed me and all I have learned since I was a hatchling has been a lie. You make people whole again every day. No one here is disposable. I have learned this from my travels. Now shut up and let me work."

Shadowheart is stunned into silence. No witty jab comes to her as she watches Lae'zel clumsily work her way through bandaging the wound. It looks absolutely atrocious and Shadowheart is sure that it'll bleed through quickly, but there's a lump in her throat that prevents her from speaking.

Lae'zel holds up Shadowheart's bandaged hand to look at it from every angle. She curses quietly in a language Shadowheart doesn't understand and looks terribly displeased with the results of her labor.

Shadowheart can't unsee the fact that Lae'zel is still holding onto her hand even though the bandage is done, no matter how badly. She swallows and looks away from Lae'zel's stupid face.

"I can show you", she finally says, intent on making her voice sound as impassive as possible. Lae'zel narrows her eyes at her.

"Show me what", she asks.

Shadowheart thinks that she must be mad, but aren't they the same, in a way? Both having lived a lie for so long, now trying to unlearn all of it?

She clears her throat and points at the bandage.

"How to make a decent bandage. How to patch people up. If you don't think that would be a waste of your precious time."

Lae'zel glares at her, but she doesn't immediately refuse and after what feels like a lifetime she finally lets go of Shadowheart's hand. This is probably a bad idea. A very bad idea. But Lae'zel has surprised her more than once during those past few weeks after the revelations at the Creche and Shadowheart... Shadowheart might be a little impressed with how hard Lae'zel works to change. Maybe she wants to keep up. She doesn't want to be left behind, doesn't want to lose against someone like Lae'zel.

She can basically hear Wyll's voice saying that this is not a competition but Shadowheart has to pretend that it is to stay sane when she looks at Lae'zel and feels her skin go up in flames and her heart stumble. This is the only way for her to chase Lae'zel and make it make sense to herself.

"Fine. You will show me the ways of this. Patchwork", Lae'zel commands, turning her nose up. Her wrong use of the word patchwork makes Shadowheart snort out a laugh and she giggles into the hand covered in an already bled through bandage.

"What?", Lae'zel hisses.

"You can just call it medicine, you know. Or first aid."

Lae'zel rolls her eyes.

"It doesn't matter. I will come to you later. Now you sleep."

And without another word she gets up and stalks away, leaving Shadowheart behind.

feel free to send me more of these<3

#ppl love the bandaging and i have to say.... i agree :D:D #shae'zel #laeheart #shadowzel #shadowheart #lae'zel #bg3 #bg3 fic #baldur's gate 3 #baldur's gate iii #mi writes

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spectralquartzafterdark · 7 months

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Okay hear me out. Megatron fragging Rosie after that exchange. Wanting to mark her up. Him being a tad insecure because Ratchet hit nerves. Give. Now.

I can do that. Because I agree it probably hit a few nerves. -Rosie It'll be under the cut as usual. Warnings: Mass Displacement, Creampies, Possessive Megatron, Human and Bot Sticky Interfacing. IDW Continuity Technically.

"R-ight there, fuck, ahhh..." she was singing again. Just for him.

His encounter with Ratchet had him overcompensating. He couldn't believe the nerve of that mech. His vents heated the air around them as his digits dug into that spot inside of Rosie. He was greedy, he trusted very few around his human.

"Don't stifle yourself. I want to hear you." he said leaning over her small frame, "No need to be shy."

He wanted to be rougher, so much rougher. He wanted her to be so sore and exhausted she couldn't make it to the med bay. But, he was being as gentle as he could for her in the moment. Enjoying the fact only he could make her feel like this. Only he could make her sing like this. He shifted her legs and pressed even deeper. He watched as her head fell back. His spike would be in her soon enough. He had grabbed some energon earlier just so he could do this. He couldn't be satisfied by just tasting her today. He needed to be inside of her.

"Megatron~" she whined as his digit brushed a sensitive spot few could reach inside of her.

He smirked, "Again." he said wanting the validation it was his name she was moaning. And he was blessed with his request being answered. His other digit idly played with her enlarged clit, some humans were very similar in some aspects and he took advantage of it.

"What do you want?" his engine revved as he vented again, hot air filling the room.

"I to cum... overload... please I-I can't take this much more." she begged almost sobbing from over-stimulation. "Not so f-aaast." He smirked licking her lubricant from his digit. He let her rest for the moment as he focused his form. Compacting down with mass displacement was never easy and it had it's limits. He could only get down to perhaps a bit smaller than Starscream's size, but focused on his Spike and valve to being just large enough so she could take him without worry.

He chuckled moving the hair from her face, "I waited too long for this." he hummed.

He had never taken this sort of action with her. He was always worried about hurting her. But, today he needed to mark her. He needed to make damn sure other mechs knew who her cybertronian partner was.

"Y-you're smaller." she watched as she caught her breath.

"Mass displacement dearspark. You deserve a proper night with me."

He watched as her eye lit up and she nodded. Her enthusiasm helped his nerves, he had never displaced in such a way. So, he was glad it would not be wasted. He gently brought her to his face and kissed her gently. His panel retracted and revealed his pressurized spike. He left bite marks along her shoulders as he began to position her in his servos. And in one careful movement he buried himself inside of her.

"F-fuck. Frag... " she gasped and grabbed onto whatever part of him that she could.

He had done his job well if it was that easy. And he took pride in it. He watched as she arched into the berth below her and moaned. He noted the small bulge in her abdomen and smirked. He bent over her as they found their pace. Only shifting when her legs finally gave up and she begged him for more. He pressed her legs over into a press so he could press himself deeper into her valve. No, pussy that's the term she had used before.

"I waited so long for this. Primus... mine. Mine." he felt his resolve slip. His insecurities falling out of his intake, "My Rosie. Frag."

"Please, harder, I'm so close already, frag please." her voice sang out.

A thought crossed his circuits, but he decided to hold back on that for now. He would approach that subject of sparkbonding later. He focused instead on pounding into her poor pussy and making her feel good. He could feel the sensation building in his bipedal cord and he held it back.

"Overload for me. Show me I'm the only mech who can make you feel this way." his voice dropped low as he growled.

He felt her flutter around his spike and smirked, that was new. He kissed her where he could. His massive frame overshadowed hers as he pulled her hips in more.

"I'll make them question how you're not sparked." he breathed as his vents hissed again, "Come on dearspark."

In the moment he watched her come undone her pussy clamping around his spike. She practically screamed out his name. And in a few more rushed thrusts he overloaded in her. He felt another orgasm hit her as she milked him of all his transfluid. He caught his breath for a moment before immediately checking in on her. His digits caressed her face gently. He watched her blissed out face come back to this reality and smirked.

"Mmmm so good. Full..." she managed to breathe out, "I love you..."

His spark throbbed violently and he leaned in to kiss her face, "I love you too."

He smiled as he felt his insecurities melt. Those words meant more than anything else. He carefully pulled his depressurized spike from her and carefully cleaned the mess they had made. He watched as she fully came to and sit up.

She smiled at him as he returned to his original size and scooped her up in a blanket. He knew she would need a bath and started to walk the direction it was.

"Ratchet give you trouble?" she murmured as she ran her hands over the marks he left.

Megatron chuckled, "It doesn't matter. Not anymore."

#Valveplug #maccadam #megatron #megatron x oc #megatron x human #rosie writes #hes in love your honor

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sikeun · 2 months

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hi hello kindly allow me to waltz in and introduce my boy, han eunsik, codename operator! he's ur trusty info broker under aegis's intelligence division. i've got his pages here (profile; background) for ur perusal and also i wld like to say a brief summary under the cut but it is in no shape or form brief. my apologies

don't have a cohesive plots page yet but i'm down to talk it out thru ims so please leave a like if u are similarly down!!! and i will merrily hop on over :*

eunsik is twenty-four proudly turning twenty-five this year and he's very much looking forward to living life with a fully-developed frontal lobe

family/childhood: dad was a government investigator assigned to sniff out corruption/fraud in sk's trade partner countries, so the family moved a lot overseas to accommodate his sleuthing about. luckily mom was a very skilled interpreter and translator and also everything. has an older sister he's been thick as thieves with since 4 eva

tw family death mom died when he was ten end tw and dad just became absent after that. although in all fairness to him at least he was an honest-to-goodness public servant 🤷‍♂️

still he kind of sucked as a dad though so eunsik resented anything that had to do with him for a bit of time

which! funnily enough!

tw family death he turns 15 and his dad passes away end tw and he does leave them with some money but it'll be a tough line to walk with his sister in med school and him in tooty snooty international school

so he opts to get a ged instead just to kind of skip out on high school expenses and takes the extended hand when an old colleague of his dad's offers to help him get a scholarship at police university, aka his dad's alma mater

so much for not liking ur father and then walking in his exact footsteps!

he turns out to be great at the same things as his old man; sprints through police uni with overall stellar marks but especially in criminal investigation and intelligence analysis

^ also got to rub elbows with the who's who of law and governance and since he's such an upstanding young lad and a charmer amongst the oldies, combined with his dad's esteemed rep + extensive network back when he was still around, makes it so that eunsik's got some influential or otherwise adjacent people one phone call away

graduates at 20 and it's straight to seoul police after. mostly on his own merits but like. how could he be sure his connections had absolutely nothing to do with it. perfect formula for his ever-worsening imposter syndrome

he does assistant duties for an itty bit but his knack for scrupulous and astute detective work + his ability to just get info thru his connections, or get access to info with the help of his connectionsㅡnot just locally but also abroad (thnx dad's diplomat job); and not just in governance, but also in tooty snooty rich folk circles (thnx international school education in yongsan and overseas)ㅡputs him on cases and assignments well above what one wld be exposed to at his tenure

and he doesn't waste a single opportunity thrown his way

well on track to a promotion to junior detective when aegis recruits him 👍

his exit from the force is made less graceful around underground circles (alleged colluding + flipflopping loyalty) so as to strengthen his street cred 🤸‍♂️ so he's still in touch with former informants, some anarchical groups, the moms and barbers and nail techs of low-level but useful gang members etc etc proving the tactic to actually be useful

he's been with aegis for around a year or so now! mostly brokers/gathers info through his network, listens out for chatter, rises and pitfalls, anything suspicious or out of the ordinaryㅡcross-references, double-checks. pulls a favor or two to get intel from places heㅡor anybody elseㅡotherwise wouldn't have access to

but he's like. super nice and thoughtful and a lovable fella so when he calls, people are happy to pick up the phone <3 that and to some extent or other he'd proved himself reliable and loyal to his connections so they repay him in kind

also does good old fashioned police work i.e. nose-to-the-books research, on-the-ground surveillance, and site reconnaissance for aegis as part of the intelligence division. he LIVES for the research esp if he'll get to spend the day just reading through files and poring over physical databases and deriving patterns, connections, etc etc tl;dr he's a massive nerdy mcnerdatron nerdatomic 3000

relinking his pages to end this behemoth of a summary: profile; background, possible plots. hope to write with u soon!!!

#TRUNKLINE: MAINTENANCE #very excited to be here! LET'S WRITE!!!

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deadprompts · 7 months

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𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝚆𝙰𝙻𝙺𝙸𝙽𝙶 𝙳𝙴𝙰𝙳 𝚂𝙴𝙰𝚂𝙾𝙽 𝟺 𝙿𝚁𝙾𝙼𝙿𝚃𝚂.

content warning applies. change any pronouns / wording if necessary.

i don't make decisions anymore.

come down here. we need to talk.

if you understand what it's like to have a daughter, then how can you threaten to kill someone else's?

look, we can settle this.

there's enough room for all of us.

honey, you’re weak.

you take one sip before those meds get in our people, i will beat your ass into the ground. you hear me?

i hereby declare we have spaghetti tuesdays every wednesday.

when you care about people, getting hurt is kind of a part of the package.

it's not a farming hat.

liar.

i still believe there’s a reason.

i know you look at me and you just see another dead girl.

why hurt yourself when you can hurt other people?

seems to me like things are finally starting to fall together.

we all have our jobs to do.

just so you know, i liked you first.

you never let me win anyway.

you don't think it'll hold?

when can i have my gun back?

the only thing you can choose is what you’re risking it for.

i don't want to be afraid of being alive.

i think you made the right call.

sooner or later, you gotta make a move.

at the camp, it just got worse and worse.

i know we all can change.

how many people have you killed? why?

first we have to find some spaghetti.

it was a nice watch.

we'll make it.

come on, let's play.

what do you want me to say?

i was just another monster.

any requests? books? comics? some stale m&ms?

i think we should make some new rules before they get back.

it was all of us.

look at us, digging through drawers.

we don't need to take any chances.

you should have seen him back in the day.

he told me all i had to do was believe, and that's what i'm gonna do.

you either live with them, or you don’t.

we can all live together.

time for you to leave, asshole.

anger makes you stupid. stupid gets you killed.

i mean, what the hell is going on in this cabin?

i'm a pirate.

you didn't wake me up.

best not waste any more time.

so you want to spend the rest of our lives staring into a fire and eating mud snakes? screw that.

how many walkers have you killed?

was there ever a time you weren't the boss of me?

you're the one that likes stale m&ms.

some council meeting, huh?

is this what you want?

he's too loyal to bounce.

you walk outside, you risk your life. you take a drink of water, you risk your life. nowadays you breathe and you risk your life.

i killed two people and you haven't said a word about it.

you're gonna have to learn to live with the love.

we’ve all lost someone.

we've all done the worst kinds of things just to stay alive.

you're a tough son of a bitch.

i don't know how to talk about it.

what we want is what you got. period.

i can make these people feel better and hang on a little bit longer.

was your dad mean?

so you tell me how in the holy hell did you possibly kill this truck?

she'll need a safe place when it comes.

now you put down your weapons, walk through those gates you're one of us.

everybody makes it until they don't.

you can be a farmer, but you can't be just a farmer.

there are some things you don’t come back from.

we're not too far gone.

they're gonna feel pretty stupid when they find out.

if you wanna live, you have to become strong.

you're gonna miss me so bad when i'm gone.

where should we go?

you're a tough son of a bitch.

i'm gonna be honest, i forgot about you.

it's not about what you say.

hey. i know it's been a while.

i'm never going to let anything happen to you, okay?

i don't want it!

why would you want my help?

we care about you.

don't look back.

probably best not think too much about it.

did you have kids?

everything we've been working so hard to keep out, it found its way in.

he made it through the night.

we don’t get to be upset.

i think it was the humane thing to do.

i can save lives, that's reason enough to risk mine.

a sad soul can killer quicker than a germ.

we just went through something terrible.

that's the guy you want to capture.

what i’m picking up is, murder is ok in this place now.

you do a lot for us. for the kids. you sacrifice a lot.

what the hell are you gonna do now, sport?

they're fucking with the wrong people.

we can live here for the rest of our lives.

it was a real treat, sir.

you can’t keep me from it.

he seems stable enough for me to get some air.

i still think there’s a plan.

is there anything you wouldn’t do for the people here?

they wanted to go out together same as they lived.

but i made it and you don't get to treat me like crap just because you're afraid.

i'm sorry. i'm not very good at making boys your age laugh.

your place or my place?

do you think we can make it?

it was stupid. i was so stupid.

i'm just tired of losing people.

that's what my daddy used to say.

did you think it was right?

you have to have numbers. people are the best defense against walkers or people.

i'd be honored to shake your hand.

you fight it. you don't give up. and one day you just change.

you gonna help us figure this out?

i screwed up too many times.

i'm gonna take a group out.

still, it is survival of the fittest.

he's a lying sack of shit.

the whole world is haunted now.

i've been afraid to get my hopes up thinking we can actually stay here.

i have to talk you all in to doing something i know we need to do.

end of the world don't mean shit when you got a tank.

he’s already given me fleas.

i tied the door shut.

they could have gotten hurt.

we get to come back.

see, going it alone, that ain't an option nowadays.

i think it’s my job to try.

smells good.

everybody loves a hero.

look, i fought him before.

i've survived and you don't get it 'cause i'm not like you or them.

you don't have to like what i did, just accept it.

if you don't have hope, what's the point of living?

you can't think forever.

you guys got separated?

you don’t have a choice.

you can lose a lot of soldiers but still win the game.

all this time you've taking off, you earned it.

it could work, you know it could.

whatever else this place needs, i'm here for it.

when i fell on my ass, they should have just left me out there.

she didn't have a mean bone in her body.

the walkers didn't see me anymore.

i knew you were up all night reading comics with a flashlight.

we wouldn't be here without you.

that's what it always comes down to.

man, what happened here?

those douchebags in the vines took themselves out, holding hands, kumbaya-style.

we go in, kill them all!

i could use a vacation.

today, we're talking about knives. how to use them, how to be safe with them, how they could save your life.

wasn't much use without my gun.

i just want to say thank you for bringing that deer back yesterday.

#prompts #twd #rp prompts #rp sentence meme #rp sentence starters #rp meme #sentence starters #inbox meme #the walking dead rp meme #twd rp meme #apocalypse rp meme #apocalypse sentence starters #apocalypse rp #tlou rp meme #inbox prompts #deadprompts prompt

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yourfifitherealone · 1 year

Text

I love you, EXACTLY the way you are <3 (Medic TF2 x reader) non-binary friendly

Medic's Pov

I noticed Y/N acting..off lately. They haven't been accepting physical affection or affection at all the same as they used to. Is it my fault? I don't really know, but what I do know, is that I WILL find out why. I was intensely determined to figure out the cause was.

"Greetings and salutations, has anyone seen my Darling anywhere?" I asked the base. "Saw the lass go up to the rooftop I think " Damon said which was unusually helpful from him "sincerest thanks" I finished while walking up the staircase.

"My darling, darling, where are you?" I called, finally at the roof. Then I heard crying "Y/N?" Then I saw them balled up shaking to the beat of sobs. "What happened?" I asked rushing over beside them. "I-I-" then they continued to cry in my arms. My blood starting to boil, I wanted to hurt whoever did this but I couldn't figure it out with Darling sobs blocking their sweet song that most will call a voice. After some uncontrollable sobs later which I'm usually uncomfortable and awkward when people are crying but...with them it's different, everything was different with them, everything IS different with them, and I plan to keep it that way forever.

My darling soon confessed a nosy someone told her that I wasn't good for her; in other words that I, me, her lover was

Out of her league....

"Now let's think rationally, med school helped us with that one huh?" I whispered I'm starting to feel that voice again, trying to convince me. "Hold on loebe I need to think" I say letting them slip from my hands. "Think about what?" My Dove sweetly asked. "Hold on"

'Screw it. SCREW THEM! THOSE SAD EXCUSES FOR A "DOCTOR". I HAVE LEARNED NOTHING I COULDN'T FIGURE OUT ON. MY. OWN!

With my great doctoring skills, I'll make sure the sorry, sorry person will be out of everyone and EVERYTHINGS league...'

*sigh*

"Okay liebe my dear, I'll handle it. I'll make sure they will never again..

-have the mere confidence to

-ever confront you again...,

-I promise.."

"Your side is coming out again, Listen to yourself" I reasoned with him

'I'm done having conversations in my own head about what's good for my darling. We SHARE her. If and when something hurts her it's MY job to make it better so shut. up.'

I am THE cruel, evil, twisted, demented, unreasonable,

Medic...

"I heard you were talking to my darling, Told her something unbelievably stupid, sounds about right?" "Look I didn't mean it like that she's too sensitive" he said while rolling his eyes. My job is to protect Y/N, my job is to know that he told her that because he had feelings for me and wanted to sabotage our love for each other, my job is to take care of him and take care of my darling in a complete different way. My job is to kill what other me can't, who Y/N can't. My job is to kill

I plunged the knife in his stomach causing the waste of space to collapse. 'Ill do more with him later ' I thought to myself. He kept on groaning and cursing wishing some sort of horrible unspeakable pain onto me.

Little does he know..

He'll be taking that same fate he speaks.

I get him into my basement then run back to the roof to my lover.

She's gone

"Y/N!?"

I rush to their room and desperately knock for them to open up their day. I feel desperate to see them even though I couldn't figure out why, I didn't care. Just wanted to see them

"Ye-?oh hi. Why did you leave me alone up there like that? It- nevermind"

"Apologizes Y/N. I'm coming back slowly I'm going a little off the rails"

"You were supposed to comfort me what the hell?"

"Again I'm sorry I wasn't there I wasn't feeling like myself but I did take care of it. If it'll make you feel better, we can hug all day if you'd like" I offered with a smile, returning to my normal self. "Really?! Yes, yes,yes one hundred percent yes!" We cuddled and played their favorite YouTube videos which I wouldn't like to admit, I wasn't very interested in. "Babe I know you don't like watching them I can tell, I'll turn it off when it's done" "no, no that won't be necessary there are some...funny parts......sorta" "SEE I knew it! You don't like it" they said sitting up from laying on my chest. "I.. uh okay well maybe I don't but you do so it doesn't matter. I have to catch up with something later anyway" after that their jaw drops and they stare. "What?" "You said you'd cuddle with me allllll day" "Oh I did? I forgot I said that last part...heh" I nervously laughed but their face was unamused. "Fine!"

I watched YouTube until they fell asleep and started to drool.

"Sweet dreams, Y/N"

"Now it's time to punish the waste of space, trash."

I went down to the basement and saw the bloody wreck in the corner he leaned closer to the corner frantically pleading me to not kill him. "I will kill you, unfortunately for you but first I'll need to make you REGRET ever speaking to her..."

The next day, Darling was fine and happy like usual. No weird sleeping patterns of going to bed at 8, avoiding me and others ect she's just... herself. I'm glad and if anyone tries to mess with her, with our happiness,

I'll deal with it...

#medic tf2 x reader #tf2 medic x reader #medic x reader #tf2 medic #Medic fluff #Medic tf2 fluff #Insecurities #Insecurities comfort #Insecure comfort #X insecure reader #insecure reader #non-binary #nonbinary reader #nonbinary y/n #nonbinary x tf2 #non-binary x Medic TF2 #non-binary x Medic

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staycalmandhugaclone · 1 year

Note

https://www.tumblr.com/arctrooper69/717149958497861632?source=share

Just gonna leave this here~

Listen listen I KNNNOOOWWWW!!! I actually reblogged this a while back with absolute yearning...

I'm actually going to use your ask as an opportunity to give a little head's up: so, uh... the Hunter fic... It just ain't speaking to me. I've been forcing it and fighting it, and it just isn't working. I dunno if it's these new meds I'm on or if the concept just wasn't strong enough to really spark my interest, but I'm going to table it for now.

I'm going to make another section in my Masterlist for unfinished WIPs where it'll go to live for anyone who liked the two chapters I've done, and there's every chance I'll come back to it with fresh eyes later, but, instead of spending another week glaring at a measly couple hundred words that I'm just not vibing with, I'm going to go ahead and move on. Doc and the boys have too much ahead of them to waste more time bogged down with something I just don't love.

Mkay, that's it. On to something far, far worse!

I'm tagging everyone just so hopefully you guys all get the forewarning

Taglist: @arctrooper69 @ct-0113 @padawancat97 @eclec-tech @kixs-husband @atomickidsoull @jennrosefx @echos-girlfriend @burningfieldof-clover @manofworm @merkitty49 @fives-girlfriend @starqueensthings @idoubleswearimawriter @abigfanofstarwars @chopper-base @daftdarling222 @pb-jellybeans @oldmanwithashield @skellymom @bacta-the-future @rosechi @legalpadawan @pentaghasm @actuallybarb @snow-dragon-rider @like-a-bantha @ew-wtaf @solstraalaa @drummergirl1701 @shersten-the-golden @shewhoneveryields @highlylunar @get-wr3ckered @dangraccoon @brokenphoenix99 @nekotaetae @rndmpeep @blondie_bluue

#Staycalm speaks

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nerves-nebula · 7 months

Text

yknowww there's a lot of reasons that i haven't downed the last of my meds yet. Like, I dont wanna fuck up my college plan. i don't wanna have to re-do what i've already done in class. i don't wanna fuck up the whole year and find myself even more slogged with work when i come back- or not be able to come back at all and like. have wasted all that time and money. for nothing. i don't want to end up having to do work over summer to catch up, or having to redo the whole year entirely with a new class of people who don't know me since I made a halfhearted suicide attempt for attention. i don't want whatever the outcome of all that lost time will be, academically.

and yeah sure i want attention, but i'm not sure this will help. sure it'll make my classmates concerned about me for a while but like... it's not gonna make them my friends. it's not gonna make me more sociable. and my coworkers are gonna think of me differently too, everyone's gonna act weird around me.

but it's so funny cause like, i don't really care rn? somehow the idea of doing this next project is so mind numbingly miserable in such a mundane way that I can't even feel bad about fucking over my future. i prolly wont do it rn cuz my roommate is here and i don't want to bother with all that. i'm imagining, like, doing it in a bathroom on the second floor of my departments building and then calling 911 and just waiting for them outside the building like heyyy guys whats upppp it's me from on the phone :)))

ahh but maybe that would be embarrassing.

#nnstuff #vent #suicide tw #<- see even my vents are courteous #god forbid i trigger anyone while i pack my backpack with the meds im thinking of drinking #honestly the main obstacle now is just that it tastes so gross that I gag thinking about it

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moonlight-tmd · 6 months

Note

what pranks have been pulled on prowl, and has prowl ever done smth similar back

Anything from dropping a bucket of water on his helm using a very complicated mechanism with strings and marbles to putting glitter in his polishing paste.

All funny but harmless pranks. His favorite is putting googly eyes on Prowl's plants and display items and seeing how long it'll take him to notice.

Once he hid a speaker in his room and played random sound effects while Prowl was meditating. It took Prowl over 2 hours to find the thing, it didn't help that Bee was playing a sound only every 20 minutes.

Bee likes to sneak up on Prowl when he's meditating or doing something. You know the thing where someone sneaks up on you from behind and grabs your sides and then runs and you jump in surprise? Yeah, Bee does that- but without the grabbing. He'll wait for Prowl to turn around and boop his nose- err, scent receptor?- before running away giggling. The face Prowl makes when he does that is very silly.

Of course, there has been very few times Bee went a little further than water or sound effects... One time Bee put temporary paint in Prowl's solvent(soap?)- Prowl has been publicly embarrased the moment he stepped out of the shower to rush to the team meeting. Thankfully, the pink wore off on the second shower... but not without twice as much of the actual solvent than he uses. (No, the soap wasn't wasted. Bee put it in a different container.)

Now, Bee doesn't know but Prowl used to be just as much of a prankster as him, if not more extreme. One time when he got fed up with Bee's pranks he went and hid Bee's plushies all around the base. In the fridge, in the storage, the garage, on the med station, everywhere that he couldn't reach without asking for help. He even taped one to the lamp in the main room. He watched with glee as Bee struggled to get them all, and when Bee did collect some in one spot he unnoticingly took one and hid it again, this kept going for a whole day- Prowl had to stop cuz Bee literally started to cry at his beloved plushies disappearing over and over again. He didn't mean to make Bee cry so he helped him find them. Now that he looks back on it... it was a little too diabolical compared to what Bee did.

#maccadam #tfa #ask box #tfa bumblebee #tfa prowl #tfa shenanigans

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troubledpastels · 7 months

Text

Long ish update for the last 6 months

It's now 5-6 months since I started on clozapine and I'm not kidding when I say it saved my life. I'm able to socialise and get out from my flat and do more normal stuff. My psychosis is gone, I stil have some symptoms but not in the slightest as it used to be. I have a relationship with my dad, which my psychosis absolutely ruined by making me belive he was a spy sent from the cops. We are able to laugh about it now but it still hurts a bit. I mourned my dad who I thought was dead for over a year. Its bittersweet that I now know what's real but it hurts when I think about how much time I have wasted being scared and angry and just lost in my own world. I also got my permanent disability, so I don't have to stress over money. I'm also trying a new type of therapy that works really well on psychosis/schizophrenia patients, I'm a bit nervous but it'll hopefully work well.

If you told me 8 months ago how I've been doing since my med change I would not have believed it. It hurts to think about how scared and lost/disconnected I was from the real world. Schizophrenia almost made me end my life. I'm so extremely thankful for the people around me in my team who believed in me and sat with me while I ranted about my delusions and more.

I'm not saying everything magically changed just because of the clozapine, I worked a lot and still do to fight my symptoms. But the medication made it so much easier.

I still get to live in my home with 24/7 staff and both them and my therapy team agrees that I can stay as long as I need, which is a relief.

I know it's not rainbow and roses and I'll probably struggle with this illness for years to come, but right now I'm able to deal with it and enjoy life again

#mental health #actuallyill #actually psychotic #actually schizophrenic #actually mentally ill #actually hallucinating #schizo spectrum #psychosis #pseriouslyparanoid #pseriouslypsychosis #actually schizospec #schizophrenic spectrum #pseriouslymentallyill #pseriouslyschizospectrum #clozapine #troubledpastels

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pb-dot · 9 months

Text

The Sisypheanism of Self Care

I don't know if the title is strictly accurate or uses words that are actual words, and neither do I care. Today's been a rough one and I'm granting myself license to be a little extra.

In the last year or so I've become acutely aware that the various mental health care I've been receiving hasn't really been hitting the mark. The talk therapy fails to function as much more than a pressure valve, although it in fairness has been a great pressure valve when I could get it. The problem is that we, that is to say, I and my doctor, former therapist, and social services caseworker haven't really made any inroads into making my life any better or breaking me out of my depression, or this spiral of unemployment, taking a job that doesn't fit my strengths, working until I have burnout and quit - repeat that I have been caught in for most of my adult life.

I was hoping there was an end coming to this time of faffing about with common sense cures for depression, my doctor currently suggests I lose some weight (I know, you're shocked) and take cold showers. In fairness, treatment-resistant depression probably isn't her field of expertise being a GP and all. Anyway, the reason why I hoped this was because I've recently been referred to the public psychiatric center that I know takes a somewhat more clinical approach to treatment, so although I wasn't holding out hope of being "cured" anytime soon, I was kind of hoping this would land me with a treatment plan of some sort. Maybe some different meds? A supplementary diagnosis of some sort? Who's to say, but a fella can dream, can't he?

So far I've talked to two separate mental health professionals who both seem deeply unsure about what to do about me. Out-fucking-standing. Oh, there were also some blood tests as I expressed I was a bit uncertain whether my antidepressants were, in fact, doing anything. I suppose that is the first thing you do in that instance, but I'm just expecting to hear that my body is treating the meds right, and the question if it does do something remains kind of floating in the air. That is, if it doesn't turn out I'm secretly immune to these as well.

Anyway, it's impatience on my end, and I'm fully aware of it. Diagnosing mental health conditions and neurodivergence is tricky and the consequences for making the wrong call can be pretty bad. That said, I'm just tired of getting mh treatment that I can't actually tell if does anything at the same time as I'm getting help getting back to work that I can't tell if does anything, and every time I talk to anyone in my life about this I can't but shrug and go "it'll pay off eventually... I hope."

It's all just such a waste. I was such a bright child in school, and although I wasn't quite as much of a standout during university, I did ok considering I was heavily depressed at the time. Hell, I'm still smart, pretty darn smart in certain fields, I would suggest, and my last formal test of my mental capabilities would agree. And yet, here I sit. Unemployed, frustrated, depressed, a walking pile of anxiety and dark thoughts so robust they almost, but thankfully not quite, should count as a philosophy by now.

Where did I go wrong? There are probably a bunch of things I could have done differently, but frankly, I also feel like Society, that old villain, has failed me in some rather profound ways. It's not just how difficult it has been getting mental health help that actually does something, or how absolutely debilitating being unemployed can be, although these certainly do contribute. My problem isn't just that my life is being made measurably worse by our old foe Late Stage Capitalism, although most of these are just made worse by that cancerous corpse of an ideology. The world seemingly has no place for me it feels like. Loneliness pushes in around me from every conceivable angle, dating is a nightmare, every job requires multi-year experience or specialized education I hadn't even heard about before reading about them, there seems to be no thought put into how exactly anyone not fitting into this cripplingly overspecialized work market is supposed to live their godfuckingdamned life, and that's not even getting into the climate shit.

I honestly hate how easy it is for me to pivot from talking about depression to unemployment. I hate how employment has to be a factor in my mental health. I hate how approximately nobody I've talked to about it, on the professional side, seems to get that I wasn't less depressed back when I was working. I hate how I can't get a job because it feels fucking impossible to be enough of a "go-getter with can-do attitude" to even make it to the interview stage when nothing feels good or worth it. I hate the fucking catch-22 of it all, and I hate that neither psychiatrist nor doctor nor case worker can even begin to unravel this Gordian knot for me, or even tell me where in the good grace of fuck I might begin pulling.

It's like they're saying "Sorry, your depression is untreatable and although we won't say it to your face, the labor market's general indifference to you should tell you that you have no place in it which in the current order of things means you have no value. Shame about that, someone probably should've told you all this before you did your best in school and endured the social ostracization that followed with being a kinda weird kid that loved books, all fueled by the fucking lie that it'd get better once you were done with school."

So yeah. I'm not having a fantastic day today, but I think getting some bile out of my system might have helped me feel a little less terrible? Better days than this will come, I'm sure. I'll try doing nice things for myself the rest of the day, although I'm not quite sure what they were. If I shitpost or rb more saucy art than usual today, that's probably what I ended up with

#peebs thinks #gripes #mental health #capitalism #depression #rant

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vamprayne · 3 months

Text

I wish I had a friend who would hug me and tell me "everything is going to be ok"

And that I could believe them.

All my friends are online.

One of them told me today that she loves me, believes in me, and is praying for me. I don't believe in God, but I believe in positive energy, and goodness knows this woman has the best goddamn positive energy in the world.

I cried for an hour.

I can't cry in front of my husband, it'll just be more crying and him telling me he'll do better. And will for a little while. Rinse, repeat.

I can't be strong anymore. But I can't cry everyday, either.

But in other news: Stevie (the cat) went to the vet (again) today. This is a new one, they're cheaper and seem to care a lot, and we'll be getting new, stronger meds for longer(8 weeks) hopefully this will kick whatever she's got out! 🤞🏻.

She's such a good girl, every time a vet asks me about her nasal discharge, I never can tell them (she's a very quick cleaner - Ew) but she always sneezes out something for them. She wants to be better, too!

Anyway... Thanks for letting me waste your time ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

#I'm so lost/scared/tired/hungry

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limetameta · 6 months

Text

Only a few people can understand that visceral disgust when you're looking at a person who's meant to mean you well and all you can see reflected in their eyes is the epitome of evil. If they could tear me apart and build me to be an exact replica of them, they would. If they could feed me acid day in and day out until nothing that makes me me remains, they would. If they could kill me and blame it on me and get away with it, they would. But of course, they hide their intentions behind well-meaning words and snide comments about how if only i changed one tiny thing, I would be worth more (it is never just one tiny thing) (and it is never just one tiny thing)

Like i am a commodity, and perhaps to them I am. To them who only see me as a tool that costs to maintain and doesn't give them enough value back, I am a dangerous thing to have. My words and my behaviour and my thoughts are much too ugly. They speak of a person they did not have a hand in moulding. In forcing into their fold. They see a stranger. Or worse. They see my mother in my stead. So they make sure to say how much I look like them. How if it were not for them I would not be half the person I am today. If one did not know them, one would believe they mean well. I know them. I know them well. If they could bill me for everything they’ve ever done for me, they would.

To feed me and to give me a place to sleep these four days proves too steep of a price so they must see a return and they must see one quickly. To see their only relative in so long, in ten years! It's only a reason to attack. Since they have to buy me a meal and since I'm not paying them to stay over in a stale bedroom with dusty decor, with claustrophobia inducing suffocation, then that means that I have to pretend to be their perfect replica. But my glasses are wrong you see I look so much nicer without them. I need to start wearing contacts. But my voice is too loud, why do I need to raise it? Why am I so annoyed? Why am I so neurotic? This is all my mother's fault. She poisoned me against them, yet why is it that they continously fill my blood with shit? Why is it that now that I am an adult and can see the situation clearly, they are even worse than what my mother shielded me from?

I went on vacation to visit a friend and then to be kind, to be polite and well behaved I only made the mistake of telling you. So you invited me to come, and I took you up on it, not thinking that every waking second would be an attack or a battle of some kind. Against enemies who, to be fair, have not changed at all since I was a child. Who, to be fair, still think I am that same child.

My friends made me sick. It wasn’t their words. The train to them made me sick. It wasn't their hate wrapped up in sarcasm. All intellectuals use sarcasm, of course, didn’t I know? But family is supposed to be kind. Where is your kindness, intellectual? Must my body resort to fever just so I can sleep and not listen to you? Must the only times you show concern be when I may die.

It keeps rising. It doesn't go lower. They don't mention the hospital or the doctor, because it might go down and it might not be another unecessary cost.

And the fever doesn't break and I keep hoping it'll last throughout the night and throughout the day and just so I don't have to hear them. That they can't infect me with their words, if they’ve already succeeded with their illness. And they are ill, because I saw a whole dresser shelf lined top to bottom left to right with medicine packages. But when it's time for them to give you medicine to lower your fever they deliberate, they debate, they all but fight between themselves because they have so few packages of the stuff. Can they waste it on you?

So you say, just barely, just hoping to survive one more night with them, hoping that your fever will break and you can go on your plane home: I'll pay for it. I'll give you money. Just get me meds.

Oh, they take such offence. Because you read them to filth. You know they would charge you the stale air they have if they could, but they are prisoners of politeness just as much as you are. So it is a crime and an insult to ask for someone to go buy you meds. They will buy it. They will give me everything they have.

The fever breaks after days. I am leaving tomorrow morning.

They are pretending to be sick now. That i have infected them. Yet you remember while you were sick how delighted they were that your plans changed. You had some friends you wanted to see in their city also. But you couldn't on account of dying. So they smirk and they laugh and they tease with words that sound so putridly villainous and cliche you think a child has written them: You wanted to see your little friends? You wanted to go out and have fun on the town? Well, you can't :) You're stuck here now, hee hee.

As if it's their greatest wish materialized. As if spending time with them 24/7 is what they crave. To hollow me out into a husk to burrow deep inside me and puppeter me. To steal my strength and my youth.

The fever breaks and I see them.

My lungs still wheeze. My strength is not yet back.

You have not had a problem with your lungs in ten years. The doctor is baffled as he conducts tests to check for covid and it's negative. Your blood is fine. Perfect. Your lungs are not well. Have you had problems with them in the past?

Only as a child, you answer. And what a surprise that is. That you were always at your weakest when they were around.

Cutting them off had been the smartest thing you'd done. Why did you come back? What possessed you to think that it was smart?

Oh. You think. Ten years had passed. I am an adult, perhaps they will see it as such, too. And we can mend our ways.

It's a victory to survive and to leave. Not really.

I have not won, but I have survived against your greatest attempts to kill me. I have left and I am home and I will never let you in. I will never file my teeth down for your benefit when your teeth remain, broken off because you are sick, you are decaying, you are old , sharp in my lungs. If you had only had more time with me, perhaps you would have even found my heart and you would have struck.

But I am home now. I am away. You send me messages telling me you miss me already. I am covered in sweat and blood and my lungs wheeze. And you say you miss me. But be sure, I am no longer the child who believes you. And i am no longer the adult that forgot what you were capable of.

I do not miss you.

#writing #limeta

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