#and it's true cas protects jack at critical moments

[shallowseeker]

Love yourself, love your child

I'm going to add the quotes later, and this is SO rambley it probably belongs in @shallowtakes where it can be properly hidden away, but I LOVE my three un-wise men (king, god, and death) as parents and I adore where they go wrong with Jack Kline, because they're all in such in varied states of arrested development due to growing up as child soldiers.

I have a lot of SPN parenting takes like this, so it's a bit of me saying what I always say, but boy is it fun to think about! When I see other posts talking about this, I have to revisit it. I love #spn parenting and I trouble myself with it so often.

///

Because, I mean, Cas didn't protect Jack, not at the end. No one did. He let him eat angel hearts and went along with Death's plan, for starters, using Jack as the primary weapon against God. Cas did that, and Dean was actually a little wary / disapproving of the eating-hearts at first, remember? This is because Cas has a toxic, angelic relationship to destiny, fate, and the cause. He's spinning it like overcoming God is a beautiful, good thing. (And who knows? Maybe it is?) But the point is that, while Cas is not motivated by revenge, per se, the end result IS the same. That's how angels do. They're righteous.

That's Cas in a nutshell, dressing the authoritarian good-king-fallacy-mission up in lovely words and declarations of goodness, but what he's really doing is imposing a new child king onto the holy throne and calling it, "good for the world." Ultimately, that's too much to put on yourself, or anyone, especially your kid. Chuck had similar expectations of Lucifer, remember? With Amara and the mark. It's heavily implied that he thought Lucifer was bright and good enough to withstand that burden!

<Insert Cas and Dean conversation about defeating Chuck, but one is motivated by destiny and the other by revenge; both result in doing terrible things to win the fight>

///

But what does Jack want? He wants:

14x07 (Unhuman Nature), Dean and Jack discuss his dying wished

///

Cas partially comes to his senses when Jack tells him the depth of Billie's plan, but the devastating truth remains that Cas was marshalling him as super-soldier in the first place. It's not until after Jack explodes via rib-bomb that Cas more completely comes to his senses. That is, he gives the wonderful, "we love you for being you," speech, but, like Dean's fretting and care in 15x19, it's technically too late for it. (But wait! The overarching point of SPN is it's never too late. You can start being good any time.)

Anyway, Cas loves Jack dearly, and he tries his best, but he is completely shaped by being an angel, and Jack absorbs the self-hating parts of being an angel, too, I'm sure. Cas woobies humanity and puts it up on a pedestal because of the nature of the devastating moral injuries and disillusionment Cas suffered as Heaven's solder. Cas becomes the dreaded blue-collar soldier loyal to family instead. Still, power and the use of it is this awful phantom specter embedded within Cas and Jack's relationship. "This child must be born with his full power."

<Insert Cas quote about Jack being okay as-is from 15x18>

Cas, like Sam, is genuinely horrified when he finds out about Jack's suicide, and indeed, he goes off to look for another way. But the fact is, prior to being faced with Jack's suicidal plan, he wholly submitted to Jack's BIG DESTINY the same way Dean submitted to REVENGE and Sam propped up INDEPENDENCE.

///

By the eleventh hour, Jack has wholly absorbed the toxic heroism and penance-making of all three of them. There's also quite a lot of self-hatred that goes unsaid, especially after he regains his soul, because he loved Mary. (Mary called Jack Sweetheart. She loved Jack.) But she is heavily implied to choose to use him as weapon in Game Night.

<Game Night quote about Mary choosing to use Jack to defeat Nick, despite the danger, "even if she knew...she'd still do it">

This is due to all of them being shaped by constant, neverending war their entire lives. :(

///

While Sam verbally disagrees with Jack wanting to sacrifice himself, Sam values INDEPENDENCE so much that he doesn't fully step in to block the move, until it's too late and Jack is already in countdown mode. He won't override Jack's autonomy to protect him (even though arguably, THIS is a lot of what parenting and family support is: trying to walk that line of independence vs safety).

<Sam quote from 15x17 about sacrificing yourself being wrong>

///

Season 15 is beautiful in some ways because it showcases all of their individual neuroses wrapped into one. They all over-prioritize the mission, and heartbreakingly, maybe they have to in order to stay alive / on-the-air. (Audience are the monsters demanding sacrifice, perhaps.)

Dean treats Jack like Dean often treats himself, as a weapon to complete revenge. He allows Jack to go off and be a bomb (Amara-callback; no one stopped Dean then; he brutally dissociates Jack from the concept of family in order to do it because unlike Sam and Cas, Dean can't as easily allow familial sacrifice; so, Jack becomes weapon).

Cas wants Jack to rise up and meet his destiny and become the new God (that bit's implied, but wrapped in pretty "good-for-the-world" language). Cas has said of himself, "I overestimated my own (military) importance" and he does the same to Jack. Jack is going to be the merciful, purely-good human-angel-god that Cas could never be. Jack can withstand the corrupting forces of power because he's good.

Sam is overall a very safe role model, even if he at times expects to "mold" Jack (13x01) and laments that "Jack is who he is, not who Sam wants him to be" (14x20). Sam also falls prey to the "I and I alone can fix this," mistake that is somewhat penultimate to SPN, except that he applies it to Jack, with "You're the only one who can (defeat Chuck)." Ultimately, in 14x17, Sam over-prioritizes independence at the expense of safety, verbally disagreeing but ultimately allowing Jack to do the heroic sacrifice; Sam is thus also treating Jack like he treats himself.

THESIS: The tragedy of it all is...they love their son as they love themselves; that is, HOW they love Jack reflects their individual FAILURE to love themselves as they are.

#spn parenting #anyway it's not so much about stereotypes #cas is kind #dean is a caretaker who feeds jack and soothes his nightmares and shares his music #sam is a confidante #but they all make critical mistakes #sam and dean were going to put jack in a box #the very same episode cas reaches for the exact same solution #it's a glorious mess #and it's true cas protects jack at critical moments #but he puts the weight of the friggin universe of his shoulders like it's some birthright and devastatingly maybe it IS #it's also about the terrible circumstances that chuck has groomed them into accepting and is actively pushing them into

[violenceenthusiast]

Dean Winchester made me gay (but not like that)

Not to be sincere on main but with the Supernatural finale fast approaching I’m thinking about what this stupid, wonderful show has meant to me over the years, particularly as a queer kid.

I started watching Supernatural while season 5 was airing, at age 12. And the really wild thing is that I started watching before I was even on tumblr SO unlike most shows, I didn’t start watching based on whispers about queer representation– I just,, thought it looked like a cool show I might like.

So here I am, a middle schooler with no clue why the worst part of every day was getting dressed, why I felt funny? confused? nervous? when girls gave me hugs, why I didn’t quite fit in with the boys but didn’t quite fit in with the girls either, and so much more (aka standard Queer Kid Confusion lmao). 

Now here I have to talk about the netflix documentary Disclosure for a second (which, if you haven’t seen is one of those things everyone should watch). The doc is largely a timeline and analysis of trans representation in tv and film as narrated by people in the industry who are trans themselves (tight as hell). But there’s this one part where this guy is illustrating why queer representation in media is so important, and he tells us that “80% of people don’t know a trans person in real life” (paraphrasing from memory) so for many people, tv and film are their only point of contact and point of reference for what it is to be trans and/or queer. and then he delivers the real kicker– “the same is true for queer people”. When I tell you that rocked my world to hear him say that... because he’s right!! 

I was lucky enough to grow up in a pretty lefty, Jewish community but even then my information about queerness was limited to a) gay exists and b) gay is ok (in the abstract) but c) gay is the thing boys call each other when they step out of line. After all, it was still the 2000′s. I didn’t know anyone gay in real life, perhaps my only exposure to queerness was captain Jack Harkness when he kisses the doctor in s1?? but most importantly I didn’t know anything of the subjective experience of queerness.

And so I start watching this show. And there’s Dean. He loves powerfully and protects those he loves. He is strong and smart and clever and funny and accomplished but despite that is so so tied down by, and beholden to, what others (john, sam, society) expect of him and the roles he needs to play as a result (father, mother, brother, savior, protector, man’s man). He is proud of yet embarrassed by his interests that fall outside of these expectations– Sam, as the bookish one who ~went to college~ gets the reputation of the nerd but we all know the real nerd is Dean, with his cowboys, sci-fi, and chick flicks, his books and his movies and his music. AND on top of all that, he has nowhere and no one that’s just his, save perhaps for the impala but even that is not really his (yet). And for me, as a queer, Jewish, nerdy kid who didn’t know they were queer or why they didn’t feel they fit anywhere... Dean Winchester was everything. 

Enter Castiel. 

And my world expanded. I watched as Dean, a fellow aquarius (lol), found safety and home in Cas. I watched their uneasy alliance, backed by an unshakeable bond, turn to trust then to friendship and rapidly into something more, something ephemeral, something,, profound. Love fundamentally changed them both. Their love for one another specifically changed them both. I watched as they moved heaven and earth (and hell) for each other, literally. But most importantly I got to see it all through Dean’s eyes. Of course we see much of Cas’s experience of events but for much of the early seasons of Cas’s run on the show he (and his interiority) is kept from the boys, and from us, at a bit of an arm’s length. Dean is the main conduit for us as the audience, and he certainly was for teenage me. 

I watched as this scared man who had to grow up too fast found solace in another man, in a way that was (in many ways literally) alien to him. I saw his panicked moments and second-guessing and fidgeting and furtive looks and wayward glances. All the things that us destiel truthers (🤡) pointed to at the time were, for me, not simply about shipping but about seeing myself in Dean. Seeing my own reluctance to be near women, my own hyper-awareness about how close we were standing and where I was looking and how long I was looking for. My own discomfort in and eventual shedding of the prescriptive gendered roles and behavior I had been handed. Dean falling for Cas and the beauty of it, how naturally and how easily they fit together against all that was working against them.. it allowed me to see something in myself and for myself that I could never have imagined alone.

So for all the (rightful) criticism of Supernatural and destiel as awful queer-baiting, for me, a kid beginning to see themself for the first time through this story and these characters... it never hit that way for me. Literally what was I supposed to do but go stupid go crazy and think about nothing but Dean and Cas and Supernatural for the rest of forever?? I never in a million years would have expected or could have hoped for the 15x18 confession and I’m scared and excited for what will happen in the finale but no matter what happens... I’ll forever be grateful to this show for giving me the imagination to see myself as I am.

#supernatural #spn #destiel #dean winchester #15x18 #lgbtq representation #im gay and nonbinary and i dont know what to tag this #they/them lesbian if this gets big somehow pls dont misgender me.... #anyway!! #this has been rattling around in my brain for a few weeks now #like literally WHAT was i supposed to do but be obsessed forever #so i started writing it down and this happened #💚💙 #ok L to me i meant to post this earlier in the evening oh well #fern posting

[dotthings]

Now that there’s a good bit of S15 already aired to ponder, I’m going to revisit some more Dabb quotes about S15. This is from Variety, October 7, 2019.

Concerning Sam, Dean, Cas, and Jack as a unit: “ultimately this is a found family, and they have deep emotional bonds”

This point is pretty straightforward. The current showrunner regards the four of them as a family, and that’s been reflected in the story. While SPN has never been only Sam and Dean, in this era of SPN, the family they assembled has become more important than ever.

On the overall emotional approach of modern SPN:

“This is not just true of this season, this has been true for awhile, but we can devote a lot more time to the emotions of the guys. In the beginning of the show they were always on the road, but since they’ve been able to be settled, we’ve been able to see their lives beyond just the next monster.”

This quote is so interesting to me, and matches a lot of what I’ve been saying for a while on various platforms about how the characters and story evolved. The importance of the bunker, the importance of their expanded family becoming more and more a constant. I’m not watching SPN for the plot ultimately, I’m watching for the characters and their emotional life, with monsters, demons, angels, and mytharc to keep things lively. This is a big reason why I love genre. The monsters and mytharc are fun, but it’s the monsters and adventure and wild plots as a wonderful springboard to explore and reveal characters. Late run SPN is embodying this balance really well. I could also list off a number of shows I love that operate under this principle. So much of genre TV operates under this principle.

About how TV has changed and SPN has changed:

“I think you really get an evolution of TV as a medium. When this show started it was a very different show than where it will end, and the same thing about television generally. And I think what’s allowed the show to stay on as long as it has is that it’s been able to adapt.”

Gosh it’s like a show that’s been on for more of a decade will evolve or something! What a half-baked notion, who gave this guy the keys and put him in charge? LOL. I’m sorry I have to laugh at the rage in fandom over the mere fact that SPN didn’t stay frozen in amber carbon dated S2 and why anyone is surprised by that. It’s not just SPN itself changing, it is TV industry changing around it and SPN had to keep pace. SPN would not have survived to S15 without being adaptable. Now you can say it all sucks so you think it should have ended when Kripke left, but you can’t brag about SPN’s longevity and then dump all over the things that helped get it there, knee jerk rejecting necessary change on a hard core level. As if change itself is the reason you’ve got criticisms. It’s not. Execution of the story would be a reason to criticize, but not change in and of itself. We can all differ on the effectiveness of that execution, but there’s plenty of fans who are loving Dabb era just fine, just as there are fans who exist who despise it.

On “fan service”

“I hope we’re speaking to the majority of our fans. There’s definitely episodes where we do address things that come out of the fandom and out of social media, but in terms of how the story ends, in terms of bringing back certain characters, it was [about] what makes sense for the guys on their journey and in this story at this point. To some extent, all television now is fan service, but it’s not about direct fan service in that way; it’s more about what is going to get us to the emotional conclusion that we want for these guys.”

Notice the “I hope.” There’s no assumption here that absolutely everyone will love what they do, there never has been, from anyone at SPN in fact. They try to tell the best possible story they can that will appeal to the most fans. “All television is now fan service” is a very interesting statement, and Dabb doesn’t elaborate, but I want to try and unpack what he could mean.

In this era of social media and so many different possible delivery platforms, the scrutiny all shows fall under, the heavy interaction between creators and fans, and TV being by its nature, in its creation, a collaborative medium to begin with, it’s unrealistic to think any show could survive and operate in a bubble that completely ignores fan responses or disregards industry changes happening around it. That doesn’t mean spn or any show has to alter things at the mere whiff of every negative or positive fan response. Social media can also be a bit of a funhouse mirror of fan response, or provide a far too selective idea of fan response. For every SPN fan shouting that it’s wrong for SPN to listen to fan responses, there’s a fan response saying the same thing to shut down the opposing lane. Who do they listen to? What does it even mean to protect the sanctity of the story in this era of TV?

SPN fandom currently has multiple lanes claiming to be the arbiters of what “everyone” wants, and the reality of the fandom is very different, it actually looks like chaos. And that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Remember that for a long long time SPN fandom wank focused around brosonlies who kept saying caring only for Sam and Dean was the 99% and anyone who had any concerns for Sam or Dean’s autonomy in the story, who loved Cas, female characters, found family, and who cared about diversity on SPN was the 1%. It’s been obvious for a while now that TPTB are much more astute about the actual make-up of the fanbase than that false narrative. Over time the wanking got less locked into a few clear-cut lane divisions and now it’s a mess of internal lane conflicts and 3-5 lanes in opposition at any given moment, lanes within lanes, subsets within subsets. I don’t think that’s because SPN sucks. I think it’s because a) we’re approaching the end so people’s emotions are really really jacked up and heightened and b) a natural evolution of what would happen when a show like this goes on as long as this one has.

It’s funny how at the time this interview came out, fandom narrative ran with that quote as Dabb saying SPN is all fanservice when he’s saying the opposite to that. “It’s not about direct fan service” “it’s about what is going to get us tot he emotional conclusion that we want.” They aren’t bringing back familiar characters merely because fandom loves them, although he’s not denying that as a benefit to it, they’re back because they serve a story purpose. They don’t do anything just to service fandom. “Fan service” as a term is mis-used in SPN fandom so often it’s lost all meaning. “Fan service” in SPN fandom means anything the angry fan doesn’t like, no matter how much build-up it’s been given, no matter how logical it is for the character to return, no matter how tied into the major core themes of the show for umpteen years already certain reltionships are, they will be yelled down as “fan service” just because there’s a bunch of fans who love it, while fans who don’t are mad about it, therefore “fan service.”

PR is a lot of smoke and mirrors a lot of the time, but the reason this is relevant is so many Dabb’s quotes are reflected in the actual execution and tone and focus of canon.

SPN revolves around Sam and Dean and Cas and found family, and has for a very long time. Sam and Dean are the most central figures, but Cas is part of the central hub of that pov, and the show isn’t just about Sam and Dean, or just about Sam, Dean, Cas, it’s them...and their familiy. SPN has always been about family. That’s...the show.

#spn #supernatural #spn meta #andrew dabb

[deans-haunted-baby]

Best Part of Me

*This is my fix-it of Jack’s reaction to Cas’s death in 15x19 and some of the events in 15x18 rewritten. Featuring a flashback post episode 14x10. I was so disappointed they never really let Jack feel this loss when he dreaded that deal for a whole year. The title is from a song by St Leonards. Enjoy!*

Summery: In Hastings Minnesota, after learning from Dean of Castiel’s sacrifice to the Empty. Jack runs off to be alone somewhere in the deserted town. Breaking down and reliving the last good memory of a hunt he and Cas went on together 

Sam and Jack sauntered down the quiet roads, surveying the desolated scenery, coming to a 4-way stop. Nothing but emptiness all around them. Vacant buildings and vehicles, one smashed into a telephone pole. Stores still blinking their neon open signs in the windows. Car alarms blaring off in the distance. But no voices. Not a trace of any souls anywhere. Just nobody. Everyone was gone and the two hunters began feeling like they were starring in that Chuck Heston flick The Omega Man.

Jack could see his tall, anguished mentor was distracted, often checking his phone for calls in case Dean or Eileen or maybe Cas… Desperately searching inside the unoccupied cafes and stores in case they missed someone. He’d been beating himself up all night for not being able to save the AU world survivors. And it was driving him crazy not hearing from his brother for the past 12 hours. 

“We should’ve heard from them by now.” Sam blurted; quickening his pace towards a truck. Peeking inside. “Come on Dean, where are you?”

“You think they’re alright?” Jack asked uncertain.

“I don’t know. But you were the last person to talk to Cas.” Sam approached the boy getting restless. “What; did he say anything to you before you guys got cut off?”

Immediately Jack stopped; swallowing hard as he lowered his eyes to the pavement. “No…not really.”

The truth was Jack couldn’t get over this weird twinge he felt in his chest; an ache that refused go away. Like a piece of him had been severed and now he was nursing the phantom pain. The Nephilim boy had it ever since the last time he spoke to his father on his phone…before they were abruptly interrupted by static. Last night the group had split. Dean and Castiel went to confront Billie at the bunker while Jack stayed behind with Sam at the hideaway to protect the remaining people that hadn’t been erased. Next thing he knows survivors are disappearing in front of him, people he knew. Friends and fellow hunters. And then his phone set to vibrate; buzzes irritably in his jacket pocket to which he’d fished it out.

________________________________________

Several hours earlier

 “Jack!” the angel’s gruff voice was urgent. But relieved when his son had answered. “Oh, thank heavens.”

“Cas?” the young boy chirps; raking his fingers through his hair. Still not over the shock of seeing all their people vanish and exchanging disturbed looks with Sam. “Cas are you and Dean okay? Did Billie?”

“No, we’re fine,” he replies back; tone switching from critical to sudden despair. “What about you and Sam, the survivors?”

Jack’s face fell on the verge of tears; pacing away from the tall hunter and leaning against the wall.

“They’re gone.” He chokes out. “All of them… Cas…Sam and I tried…we tried… It happened so fast… We just couldn’t save anyone.”

The Nephilim boy heard a heavy sign on the other end then Castiel says, “It wasn’t your fault Jack. None of this is your fault, alright.”

“No, I could’ve done something! If-if I still had my powers, I could’ve protected all of us!”

“Jack, no. Don’t do that to yourself. There was nothing you could’ve done and you did all you could do, okay.” The angel encourages firmly though soft. Giving Jack a chance to calm down before he adds. “Listen…there’s something I…need to tell you…in case anything happens.”

Jack’s heart rose in his throat. “What do mean in case something happens to you?” he demands; voice rising. “Cas what’s wrong?”

“Nothing…yet.”

“What does that mean?”

“You remember what we talked about?” There’s something in Castiel’s question that begins to worry the young Nephilim. “The night we were hunting in Albuquerque?”

Jack let out a sharp intake of breath. “Yes but…what does that have to do with right now?”

The angel hesitates briefly and resumes a response; spontaneously changing the subject.

“I’m so proud of you Jack. I’m proud of the person you are and who you’re becoming,” Castiel’s deep baritone was gentle as it always was whenever he spoke to his son. Never above a decimal than he had to; reserving his emotions. Yet the sadness was unmistakable. “The day that I met you and your mother…changed my life forever. When you chose me…I knew…I knew the moment when I first connected with you through Kelly…felt your love…that I wanted to be your father. And I never felt more happiness in all my eons than I did raising you.”

“Cas why’re saying this?” Jack stuttered; his eyes glistening. He was so confused over the angel’s choice of phrases. “Don’t…”

“Jack I…I need you to do something for me…alright?”

Castiel’s request was blunt yet sudden, jerking the young Nephilim out of his afflicted stupor. “What is it?”

“I want you to look after Sam and Dean for me,” He says melancholically. “Can you do that?”

“Why? What about you?” Jack gasps; his whole-body trembling; going cold. Sinking into a corner holding his knees. Yet he tries to maintain his anxiety during the situation. “Cas, you’re scaring me.”

“I know this is going to be difficult for you to understand but…I want you to be strong, Jack. Stronger than you’ve ever been… To never give up on yourself no matter what. Because I know you will do amazing things one day. I believe in that. I’ve only ever seen good in you.”

“Cas…”

The angel pauses, and with another sigh he reveals, “I love you, son. I love you more than anything in the whole world… You’re the best part of me, Jack… I’m happy because of you; for the time we got together. And I just wanted you to know that…”

Jack could hardly speak his throat clogged. Tears now rolling down his cheeks. He wanted to return those words so badly, his chest swelling like something crushed him from the inside. Finally untangling the muscles in his neck, he pleads.

“Cas…Dad, wait I-” just as the Nephilim boy is about confess the line goes dead mid-sentence followed with an indescribable pain hitting him in the heart; causing Jack to drop his cell in defeat. Muttering the words to himself. “…I love you too.”

________________________________________

Present time

Not long after the two hunters had given up their search for signs of life, did they hear a familiar engine of a car. And a black 67’ impala wheeled around the corner of the street; parking beside two large plants in front of a blue and white store. Dean, he was alive. Sam and Jack wanted to feel elated at that moment…until they saw him exit the vehicle. Alone. And the Nephilim boy’s chest pains increased. Why wasn’t Castiel with him? Jack was too afraid to even ask in case he got an answer he didn’t want. So instead, the three guys traded bleak looks in the middle of the road; minding the fragments of what was once a functioning civilization.  

“Everyone’s gone,” Sam says to Dean; barely leveling his shock. Looking around with that false hope someone else might pop up. Then he glances back at his older brother who’s avoiding his gaze. “You see anybody on the way here?”

“No.” the elder Winchester replies huskily. His expression tormented. Again, Jack is afraid of reading him too closely.

Sam fidgeted on the spot; squints his eyes and imparts, “I couldn’t save anybody.” A hint of bitterness enflames his voice at the thought of that reaper. “Billie.”

“It wasn’t Billie. It was Chuck.” Dean discloses.

“What?”

Right then Jack couldn’t keep quiet anymore. He needed to know the truth; impulsively jumping into the conversation.

“Where’s Cas?” His voice was harsh.

The taller Winchester peered over his shoulder at the Nephilim boy but Dean couldn’t even give him direct eye-contact. Visibly shaken. Jack had detected redness within the whites of his puffy eyes. He was so anguished about something that it made the other two hunters nervous. Finally, its Sam’s turn to inquire about the angel’s whereabouts.

“Dean, where is he?”

The elder Winchester was apprehensive; staring off vacantly. Hanging his head and licking his lips trying to conjure up the best explanation he could which might lessen the blow. But Jack was impatient; arms at his sides. Heart pounding with fear. He doesn’t want excuses he just wants a straight answer from his other mentor about his dad. And he was going to get it whether he liked it or not.

“He saved me. Billie was coming after us and…Cas fought her off until we found someplace safe,” asserts Dean and he looks over at Jack who’s getting paler listening to the story. “While you and Cas were…speaking on the phone, he summoned the Empty. It took her. And it took him…” Jack’s heart instantly sank to his stomach. No, this couldn’t be true. No. The Nephilim boy backpedaled, shaking his head in disbelief. Noticing the tears in the hardened hunter’s eyes. “I’m so sorry Jack… Cas is gone.”

Sam’s grief had swallowed him up whole; touching his face with both hands. Struggling to keep it together. But Jack was the opposite. Standing there wearing a hollow smile; releasing a counterfeit laugh.

“No, that’s not true,” argues the Nephilim. “I just talked to him last night. He was okay.”

Sam attempted to console the boy; quickly wiping at his wet face. “Jack.”

“Cas’s fine you’ll see. He’s coming back. He has to come back. I didn’t get to tell him I loved him too.”

But Dean hardly in the mood for sentiments wouldn’t play along. “Jack, he-he’s not… Cas isn’t coming back. I’m sorry.” As Sam tries to reach his hand out to touch the young Nephilim’s shoulder, he receives a heated defensive glare.

Nobody touches him there except for Castiel. NO ONE.

“NO!” Jack barks jerking his body away from the taller hunter’s grasp; face beet red. Even though he already knew. Felt the truth in his heart all along the second that line went dead; the boy had been reluctant to accept it. He was too overwhelmed with denial. “I said Cas’s is coming back! HE’S COMING BACK!”

“Jack, wait!”

Quickly the Nephilim storms off in a random direction of the street; ignoring the Winchesters’ shouts behind him. It didn’t matter where he was going, he just needed to get away from them. Away from the sunlight. From the noise. Away from everything else still standing. Into nothingness. Somewhere that didn’t feel so loud or enclosed. Putting a palm to his head, Jack starts to feel dizzy and an urge to vomit. His vision blurred and his legs began to wobble each step he took. Nothing felt real anymore. It was terrifying.

He could hardly breathe as if something were suffocating him.

Over and over, Jack’s mind is racing in between panicked breaths. “Cas? Cas, where are you?” Reaching his hand out in front of him like a blind person; aimlessly searching for that invisible tether that bound him to the trench-coated angel. Receiving nothing but a light breeze against his skin. “Dad, please, tell me where you are?”

At last, the Nephilim boy stumbles on an old dessert parlor. Sammy’s Highway Café. Despondently gawking at the stupid giant pink milkshake on top of the sign. Walking inside not caring whether he was trespassing or not. The lights were off but Jack could see traces that this place was thriving not too long ago. It smelt of stale food and drink; evident of half eaten platefuls of burgers with fries and empty glasses sitting on top of some of the booth tables. Along the counter was a partially bitten donut beside a cold mug of coffee. A receipt with some money next to the till. And draped on one of the stools, it seemed as though someone had left their beige jacket which resembled so much like the angel’s trench.

Fragments and memories…of live people. Before Chuck took them…just like Castiel. His father.

Stepping towards a jukebox tilting his head, Jack’s blue eyes meet a half-full glass of milkshake sitting on the table close by. Pink, like the one on the sign outside. It disgusted him. A serge of hatred suddenly overflowed his body; knocking it onto the floor and smashing into pieces on impact. Unable to avoid the dibble of pink goo getting on his jeans only enraged the Nephilim more. Resulting in a fit of fury; swiping everything off the counter. Kicking at stray contents clinging to his shoes. His throat clogged up as the anger gave way to uncontrollable sobs. He wanted the pain to stop, but no matter how many things he destroyed, the hurt wouldn’t leave him.

“Cas you liar! YOU LIAR!” he howled; covering his tearful face with one hand collapsing into a corner. Crying. “You said you’d still be with me!”

For over an hour Jack sat like this; breaking down into his palms over his knees. Shedding more tears than he ever thought possible. Practically wearing his eyes out. It was his fault. He should’ve said it back, why didn’t he say it back? Why could he never tell the angel how much he’d meant to him when it counted? Jack wanted the tears to stop the but every time he tapped into an arbitrary memory of Castiel’s face smiling back at him or giving him that infamous sage advice. Heard that soft raspy voice saying his name. The pain worsened causing Jack to cry harder and longer.

All of a sudden, a sharp jab interrupted his grief. Jack was just about to grab the thing whatever it was and toss it until he realized what it was. Digging inside the sleeve of his white jacket, the Nephilim pulls out a single silver angel blade. Jack had completely forgot he’d been carrying it around with him since yesterday. No much longer than that, he carried it all the time in his clothes for a year now as it was very special to him. Wiping at his eyes, Jack clutches the blade and is instantly transported back into a memory of when he’d first received the weapon.

________________________________________

One Year Earlier

Castiel and Jack were in the outskirts of Albuquerque hunting a couple rugarus in the process of kidnapping a family in a warehouse. Around this time the young Nephilim was on probation for using his powers in the fight against AU Michael’s monsters. Ending with the unholy archangel prince trapped inside Dean’s mind. The reason for the restrictions was because of the resurrection spell keeping Jack alive. Every time he used power, he’d burn off part of his soul; something Castiel and the Winchesters did everything possible to prevent. And the best distraction for boy was usually going on some Team Free Will 2.0 hunts.

“Jack, NOW!” the angel shouts, wrestling with the second monster after his son successfully torches the first.

“I got it!” the Nephilim calls back, aiming the flamethrower nozzle ready to blast the creature. He’d remembered Sam and Dean’s specific instructions that the only way to kill a rugaru was to burn them. And he would’ve if he hadn’t frozen on the spot; Castiel would’ve been fried otherwise. There was no way, he couldn’t risk it. “I-I can’t! I can’t get him!”

“Jack, what are you doing?!”

“I don’t want to burn you!”

Immediately the angel groans grumpily. “It’s not holy fire!”

Jack wasn’t a gambler. “Yah but-

“Jack!”

Running out of time, the frantic young hunter goes over another strategy in his mind. He wasn’t willing to singe his dad to stop a monster. And that’s when it hit him. Reckless though it just might work.

“Wait, Cas let him go!” he clamors.

“What?!” Castiel was mystified at how crazy that plan was.

“Just let him go, trust me!”

Taking on too much faith the angel puts his trust in his son anyway and releases the rugaru; dodging out of range. As expected, it instantly launches at the nonchalant Jack who’s armed and ready with the flamethrower; projecting a lethal jet fuel of fire. The Nephilim then covers his ears as the creature releases high pitched throat screeches; its entire body engulfed until the thing’s charcoal hide falls lifeless to the ground. Breathing a sign of relief, Jack stares at the dead monster; spacing out. Brought back to reality when he hears the angel grumbling and rushes to his aid.

“Are you okay?” he asks his dad breathily; helping him to his feet.

“Yah, I’m fine.” Castiel belches; still sore from the fight. As an angel he was much stronger than a human, though it still hurt getting punched in the ribs. And the monsters he tangled with were far from weaklings. “So that was your plan? Just let him go, huh?”

Jack shrugged smirking. “It worked didn’t it?”

“Yes, it did.” The reluctant blue-eyed angel agrees dryly; giving his son an affectionate shoulder pat. “Come on, we’re not finished yet.”

“What do we have to do now?”

“Tend to the civilians.”

After releasing the captive family, Castiel and Jack resumed the dreary task of getting rid of the rotten smelling corpses and packing their things into the aquamarine pickup truck. The night air was hot accompanied with the usual sounds of owls and crickets chirping. Jack’s busily loads the flamethrower into the back compartment, unaware his father is taking a moment to gaze at him. Expressionless though underneath that reserved exterior is admiration. Despite using none of his powers, the boy had handled himself just as he’d done the other several times they’d hunted together.

Castiel couldn’t help feeling impressed with Jack; overwhelmed with a sense of pride. He’d come a long way in his training in such a short time; picking up skills faster than the angel had seen any human. But Jack wasn’t just getting better at the combat or the weaponry. His mind functioned more acutely than any other hunter in the field. And he wasn’t even three years old yet. Still there was something about tonight’s hunt that bothered Castiel. His son had nearly given into his own fear. Fear of losing…him; which could’ve costed them the lives of the family they were saving.

“Well, we’re all packed.” Jack announces gleefully; turning to the angel.

Stonily, Castiel approached the young Nephilim.

“Good.” He says; scratching his hair. “Ah Jack…can we talk about what happened back there?”

The question made the boy frown, unwinding his jaw. “Oh…right… Yah, I-I’m really sorry, Cas. I didn’t mean to-” He stopped himself.

But the angel finished his sentence. “To freeze?”

“Yah.” Jack hung his head in shame.

“Do you know why?”

Did he know why? Of course, he did! Jack was afraid. Afraid of hurting Castiel. No…he was scared of losing him and had been ever since that deal he’d made with the Empty. For the past month it’d been daunting on Jack the severity of his dad’s sacrifice; what it meant. Tried as he might to pretend it didn’t trouble him. Smiling, acting normal. the Nephilim secretly agonized over the angel’s fate. To the point where it either made him overprotective of Castiel or reckless during hunts. Just like tonight.

“I…just didn’t want to set you on fire too, that’s all.” Jack answers vaguely earning his dad’s titled scrutinized glare.

Being as close as they were, Castiel was pretty astute at reading his son’s body language. Knowing when he wasn’t entirely honest. “Are you sure that’s what it was…or was there something else holding you back?”

Jack swallowed, averting his gaze. And it dawns on the angel, sighing, looking heavenward. He didn’t need a verbal explanation; putting his hand on his son’s shoulder in an attempt to console him.

“Oh Jack, I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize how tough this has been for you.”

“I can’t help it,” concedes the young Nephilim; his gaze shiny. “I know you said not to worry about you but…I am. All the time. And when I keep thinking about that deal you made… I get this…awful feeling in my stomach. Like I’m being torn apart…from the inside.”

Castiel’s reserved face promptly falls, listening intently as Jack confides his deepest fears. Knowing that this deal had been causing his son so much grief pained him. The angel felt like someone had just run him through with his own sword.

“Cas I…I love you. And I don’t want to lose you. Not to the Empty or to anything.”

Parting his lips and softening his eyes; slowly absorbing everything he was hearing. Castiel was touched; taking a deep breath before reassuring. “But Jack, that rugaru was barely a threat to me. And you know my deal with the Empty… I’m far from happy for it to take me away any time soon.”

“What if I don’t want it to ever take you?” Jack remonstrates; defiantly scowling.

“I’m afraid its not that simple.” Sadly, contests the angel.

“But…I don’t want to lose you. I hate even thinking about it.”

“I know…so do I.”

Together the angel and the Nephilim boy endure a tender moment, leaning against the tail end of their truck side-by-side; taking small solace in each other’s company. And quietly gazing at the stars. Then out the blue a bright twinkle catches Castiel’s eye; reminding him of something he’d forgotten. His present to Jack. They’d been so wrapped up in dealing with Michael’s shenanigans, he hadn’t even found the time to give it to him yet. Delving into one of his trench-coat sleeves, Castiel presents the dumbfounded Nephilim with a polished angel blade.

“Cas what…why are you giving me this?”

Castiel pursed his gentle smile and winked. “Call it a late Christmas present. I’ve ah, I’ve been meaning to give it to you…when I felt there was a more appropriate time.”

Jack furrowed his brows; observing the weapon. “Your angel blade?”

He humbly accedes.

“Not just any angel blade but…its the very first one I ever fought with.” Divulges the docile angel. With two fingers he carefully touches the tip, devotedly looking over Jack’s awestruck expression. “I won many battles with this blade…for millions upon millions of years. Just when I thought I’d fall…this weapon seemed to…save my life. And I started to look at it as more of a…good luck charm I guess.”

“Cas I…I don’t know if I should take this. It means too much to you.”

“Jack, I want you to have it. Sort of a celestial warrior’s birthright and with your archangel half technically being of royal lineage…and you’re my son.” The young Nephilim grinned at him somberly; working the blade in his hand. And Castiel pauses giving himself a minute to think about what he was going to say to his son next as it would be difficult. Exhaling heavily, he conveys. “But I also want you have it…as a reminder that…wherever I am…I’ll always be with you.”

At this Jack’s eyes find his dad’s; expression dismal absorbing Castiel’s every word. “Because someday Jack its true, I won’t be here and you’ll have to carry on with your life. I can’t say when it will happen…it could be months or years… Whether it’s the Empty or something else…we will be separated… And it will hurt…” The Nephilim boy’s lip quivered as he holds back oncoming tears; looking away. Pain twisting all his insides; he didn’t like this conversation. Though Jack’s ears and heart remained open to the angel; touching his chest using his index finger. “But just because I won’t physically be here anymore…doesn’t mean I’m gone, Jack. I’m right there…within you. Whenever you need me. You understand?”

“I think so.”

Without warning Castiel embraces Jack in a bone-crushing hug; chins touching shoulders. Closing their eyes. And they held each other tight; savoring every single second of that closeness.

“I love you Jack.”

And Jack whispers out of earshot. “I love you too…Dad.”

________________________________________

Present time

Just like that the memory passed. Jack was back in the café he roughed up earlier. Alone. Curled up in fetal position, clutching the precious gift his father had given him; tears still streaming down his face. Hair matted and moist; clothes soiled. And his heart as broken as that milkshake glass he’d smashed on the floor. Castiel was gone. His dad was gone… Forever… It didn’t feel real, more like a nightmare. A nightmare Jack desperately wanted to wake up from. He couldn’t even think about moving his body it hurt too much. Whenever he tried lifting his head the dizziness settled in and he sunk back into his depression.

“No, I can’t do this.” Jack thoughts bombarded; gawking the angel blade in his grip. “I can’t keep lying here feeling sorry for myself. He wouldn’t want that, not after giving his life for me. I’m supposed to be a hunter and a celestial warrior. I have to be stronger now.”

Using every muscle at his disposal, Jack forces himself up off the floor. Grabbing a stool and countertop for support. His whole body ached; weighted down like it was full of dumbbells yet he didn’t quit moving. Jack could hear Castiel’s voice in his mind, encouraging him like he’d always done on hunts and during one of their sparring sessions in the gym.

“Come on Jack, get up! Get up now!”

“Yes, I will,” the Nephilim promises himself; gnashing his teeth. Lumbering forward on his wobbly legs ignoring the agony. “I won’t let you down Cas! I swear I won’t.”

“That’s it Jack, come on! You’re almost there!”

“Okay!”

One foot in front of the other. Jack slowly repeats this method of awkward walking until all the muscles in his legs have loosened and are functioning properly. As he’s feeling more mobile the pain is subsiding. It’s not quite gone but it’s not intolerable either. In fact, the Nephilim uses it to power through the wreckage and towards the exit. Drying his eyes with the back of his palm. Before Jack realizes it, he’s already reached the door pushing it open. And on his way to search for the Winchesters. Because he’s not alone… He’ll never be alone. He has his family. And Castiel is always with him; guiding him.

#dadstiel #Jack Kline #castiel #supernatural #SPN #castiel x jack #cas and jack #spn one shot #sam winchester #dean winchester #jack x castiel #spn fix it #spn fanfiction #spn fanfic #supernatural season 15 #spn spoilers #spn 15x19 #spn 15x18 #jack and cas #spn season 15 #angst #hurt and comfort

[qwertyfingers]

top five star trek things applied to supernatural (ie darmok or slutty outfits)

SORRY for how long it took me to get to this answer also thank u for a very good question tasha

1) obviously, darmok, my BELOVED. dean is dathon throwing his references out into the world and cas is picard desperately trying to understand him out of pure desire for connection

2) GARAK AND BASHIR’S CONVERSATION IN THE WIRE. there’s this beautiful moment in 9.18 Meta Fiction (most episode of all time truly) that parallels it wonderfully. see:

BASHIR: Never mind, don't tell me. I don't want you to spoil the ending. You know, I still have a lot of questions to ask you about your past. GARAK: I've given you all the answers I'm capable of. BASHIR: You gave me answers, all right, but they were all different. What I want to know is of all the stories you told me, which ones were true and which ones weren't? GARAK: My dear Doctor, they're all true. BASHIR: Even the lies? GARAK: Especially the lies.

versus

CASTIEL: So, none of this is real, and I'm guessing I'm no longer in the motel. GABRIEL: Here's the thing... none of it was real, but all of it was true.

which also then has a beautiful parallel to 15.02 raising hell

CASTIEL: You're angry. DEAN: Yes, I am angry. At everything. All of it. CASTIEL: All of it? DEAN: It turns out that we're just hamsters running in a wheel our whole lives. What do we have to show for it, huh? Tell me you don't feel conned. God's been lying to you, Cas, forever. You bought into the biggest scam in history. CASTIEL: You don't think I'm angry? After what Chuck did? After what he took from me? He killed Jack. But that doesn't mean it was all a lie. DEAN: Really? CASTIEL: Chuck is all-knowing. He knew the truth, he... he just kept it to himself. DEAN: Well, now that his cover's blown, everything that we've done is for what? Nothing? CASTIEL: Even if we didn't know that all of the challenges that we face were born of Chuck's machinations, how would we describe it all? We'd call it "life". Because that's precisely what life is. It's an obstacle course, and maybe Chuck designed the obstacles, but we ran our own race. We made our own moves. And mostly, we did well with that. DEAN: Did we? I'll tell you what we do know. Nothing about our lives is real. Everything that we've lost, everything that we are is because of Chuck. So maybe you can stick your head back in the sand, maybe you can pretend that we actually had a choice. I can't. CASTIEL: Dean. You asked, "What about all of this is real?" We are.

like. it’s literally about how the lies

3 is a different parallel between The Wire and Meta Fiction - this one’s all about Julian and Garak’s extended conversations about Cardassian literature and use of artistic criticism as an obscuration of discssing their own experiences and beliefs. the beauty of Julian and Garak is both are hiding behind layer after layer of stories to protect the truth of theselves from the outside world, so much that they become aware of their status as fictionalised roles within the narrative of their own lives. Metatron’s speech from the start of Meta Fiction always makes me think about them and how juicy that parallel is and how beautifully it transposes onto Cas’ role within the show, especially during season 9 and later when Chuck returns as the villain and we learn about Cas being the only character who was able to escape Chuck’s narrative and have true free will.

METATRON: What makes a story work? Is it the plot, the characters, the text? The subtext? And who gives a story meaning? Is the writer? Or you? Tonight, I thought I would tell you a little story and let you decide.

Like. Garak is Metatron but he’s also Gabriel. but he is also his own Naomi . makes me Batshit

4) the Sarek mommy blogger au applies perfectly to Cas you don’t need to change anything at all. wake up america.

5) Gadreel is literally Brunt, FCA

#treknatural #friends tag #spn #meta fiction #audience participation

[missjackil]

My 15x17 Opinion

Unity

Wow! This one was a rollar coaster ride! I’ve seen positive and negative responses from y’all but I’ll say, though it had its flaws, I thought it was basically what I watch the show for. Tension drama, emotion, twists and turns and all that good stuff! 

We start off that Sam is still angry with Dean and giving him the silent treatment. A typical Winchester argument occurs but comes to a painful halt when Sam says, concerning Jack “We dont give up on family!!” and Dean returns fire with “Jack’s not family!!” OMG I could HEAR Sam’s heart shatter! Dean isn’t wrong in his follow up though, they both care for Jack a lot (Sam evidenty moreso) but he’s not family at their level, or even Cas’s level for that matter. This isn’t anything we shouldn’t aready know. Michael!Dean even pointed this out in s14. 

I don’t think this means Dean doesn’t love or care about Jack at all. In fact Im sure he does even if he still holds a grudge, but he’s not on Sam level, no one is... nor is he on Mom, Dad, Bobby or Cas level, but maybe Rowena level? Id say somewhere between Rowena level and Kevin level.

Sam loves Jack and apparently thinks of him as his son, though he never says it. He has said “He’s our kid!” but never said Jack is like a son to him. Im not going to go too meta on this, but  I kinda think Dean’s line of thought is “Well Sam and I both have died to save the world, why can’t Jack?” and Sam is thinking “Enough of this damn dying to save the freakin world!” but thats my opinion :) 

Of course Jack overhears which also hurt and he asks Sam if hes mad at him. Sam weighs his words so well to make sure Jack knows Sam understands and appreciates the mission, but he thinks its wrong.

I have mixed opinions of the Amara and Chuck portions. I think Amara was great! I really like her, but I was distracted by an OTT Chuck that I really didnt like. Not just on a bad guy level but the childishness was much more like a bad impression of Lucifer than any Chuck we’ve seen. Im still hoping beyond hope that Chuck gets redeemed some way though I think its not very likely. But it aint over till its over and SPN has surprized me a million times before.

Adam and Serafina were annoying. I thought it also very weird that Dean thought the woman must be Eve when he killed Eve in S6. Guess they forgot s6, but thats ok, I try to forget it too!

So Jack becoming a bomb is the only way to defeat Chuck. Im gad to hear Sam call Dean out on his “Its the only way” attitude. I flash back so Sacrifice in s8 when Sam was going to martyr himsef ... again... and when Dean found out Sam would die, all of a sudden, this isnt the only way!! “We have enough information to turn the tides here... think about what we know....” to show Sam that they do have options, and yet, when it doesnt have to do with Sam’s life, Dean becomes somewhat of a defeatist. (its ok Dean... I know theres a “Samception” to every rule 😉🤜🤛)

Meanwhile Sam and Cas figure out how to get to Billies Library. Im kinda sad they keep using Meg as The Empty, Im so down for Megstiel, I wish theyd go that route instead.  Anyway, she confirms that Billie needs him so maybe if she starts kiling him, Billie will come. Sam lies his way out of that and tricks her into giving him God’s book. Now we have that and Im curious as to why Billie and/or Chuck need Sam. I still think for Sam to die, Dean needs to kill him and this is why Chuck manipulated Dean to pull a gun on him, which goes well with OG Death needing Dean to kill Sam, or “Ill do it for you” and OGs Death’s eagerness to reap him. This is intriguing, and I cant even meta on it, because I have no clue LOL

So we have this crazy physical fight between Sam and Dean which leads us to Sam’s touching speech. “What about me? Would you trade me?” The line that of course, stops Dean in his tracks. I THINK that if Billie resets everything that Sam stays dead from s2? Or maybe just since she has been Death and Sam would stay dead when he got vamped in the AU? Im not sure, but Sam didnt seem to mean that Dad would have stayed dead from before Mom made her demon deal, or that would just mean neither would exist.

Sam tells Dean that he’s always protected him, from Dad, from Lucifer etc... and I see a lot of controversey on Tumblr about this statement as an attack on John. I don’t really think so, though no matter how much of a John fan you are, the show never paints him as an ideal father. Its not “these new writers” its every writer since the Pilot. Since season 1 John has been depicted as an obsessed man who raised them to be hunters, left them alone as children for days/weeks at a time and had anger and drinking issues, all while showing that he loves his boys, wants them to be safe and ultimately only wanted what was best. I dont see the show ever depicting him as physically abusive, so its not hard to imagine that Dean would have stepped into a verbal argument between Sam and Dad to distract Dad before it got messy like we saw him do a couple times in S1. 

So Sam goes on saying he didnt always like “it” either being protected or the form of protection used, but regardless, its the only thing he could rely on, and the ony thing he knew was true. And in this moment while Dean still wants to kill Chuck, Dean probably believes its whats best for Sam too, to get off the wheel so to speak, but if Billie wins, would he no longer have Sam?? YIKES!! Winchester tears all round! And ya know, I actually like that Sam just said “put down the gun” instead of like “believe in us too” something about it made it feel more critical. Like Dean had lost his shit and Sam knew it. Dean could cry and hug him and tell him he loves him more than life, but Sam is still in danger of Chuck manipulating Dean into killing him, untill Dean puts down the gun.

Meanwhile Chuck talks Amara into becoming part of him again, to be one. This also gave me feels. But now here comes a super pissed off, super charged Chuck who has had it with these boys. “After everything, you still do this!!” and now they get to watch Jack die.... maybe.. to be continued. 

So yeah I reallly liked this episode despite the annoying issues. Definitey on my “watch again” list!

So on a scale from Bloodlines to Lebabon I give Unity a 8.5. Thanks guys I needed that!

#SPN spoilers #15x17 spoilers #my opinion #unity spoiers

[spnsmile]

This might as well be the fathers talking about Jack fighting god and fighting their feelings. Can't fight both!

#tears tag #fluff tag #hurtcomfort tag

15.11. Coda

When Castiel found out that while hunting for Jack, the Winchesters clashed heads with the Goddess of Luck herself, he was furious.

To know about the dead or alive gamble where they naturally lost made all the butterflies in his stomach burn, if that was the correct expression.

But to realize he could have gotten Jack and lost the Winchesters at the same time? It soured his mood the entire day.

He didn't stop giving Sam and Dean glaring looks that made Sam duck his head while Dean, well, stays Dean.

"You could have lost your lives." he says with gritted teeth and reproachful tone as Dean sits with him in the library because the angel wouldn't stop glaring the whole day and needed to be appeased for Sam's peace of mind.

Dean only smacks his lips on his glass.

Castiel couldn't help glowering at the nonchalance.

"Look, Cas. It doesn't matter, okay? Me and Sam are fine."

"And if you weren't?" Cas says heatedly, "what would have happened if she took your lives, Dean?"

"Then at least you got Jack-"

"Don't give me that." Cas says sternly, deep voice almost growling it made Dean look up. He finds the angel glaring sharply, in commmander mode, "Just don't."

They both glower at each other, Castiel with that lump in his throat while Dean shakes his head and leans on his knees.

"It was a gamble." the hunter says quietly.

"I wouldn't have agreed with you risking your lives on a pool game."

Dean shrugs.

"Yeah, Cas, you would have stabbed her."

"No doubt about that. What was I supposed to expect from you and Sam, going head on against lady luck?"

"You weren't there. There were these people... We couldn't just leave them." he lowers his head. Castiel watches him for a moment before sighing heavily.

"I'm just glad nothing bad happened, Dean."

"You know what she called us? Fortuna? She called us heroes."

A somber mood falls at the pair once the younger members of the group had slipped to their rooms, leaving the best friends by the table, soaking in the comfort of each other's presence. Unti the angel breaks it quietly.

Castiel stares with a small smile forming on his lips towards his friend.

"You are."

Dean scoffs. "Heroes who let kids fight adult battles, Cas? Tell me what you really think."

Castiel is silent for a moment, eyes on the glass of wine he is holding.

"I'm proud of Jack."

Dean rolls his eyes at the angel who gives him a soft look, "I'm proud of you too, Dean. But this is a powerplay of the gods and other beings... My kind. Not yours and Sam's. Maybe it's time for the two of you playing in the front lines and let us do the fighting. You and Sam have done enough battles more than necessary. I think it's up to me and Jack-"

"So it's me and Jack now?" Dean doesn't look at him for a moment. When he did, it's sharp and critical green eyes gazing over the blues. "You gonna bench us because we're humans?"

Castiel leans forward, blue eyes intent on Dean. "Because I care. I will be more at ease if you and Sam are safe."

"You really think that?"

He and Dean shared a long look, and then after a period where Dean just makes a face the same one he used when he asked Castiel if he's letting Jack, Dean falls silent.

And a silent Winchester is never a good thing. Castiel watches as Dean stands up and bids him goodnight.

Sighing, Castiel went to check on Jack, to stay with him as much as he can. He tells himself Dean needed time.

But in the middle of the night, while he and Jack sit talking in the library, the Nephilim suddenly stills, head inclining to the side like he's listening.

"Jack?" Castiel asks, worried.

"Dean." says the Nephilim, brows furrowed. Castiel's pupils dilate. He hangs for Jack's every word. "He's praying."

Castiel mirrors Jack's expression. He doesn't hear anything from Dean so-

"To Who?"

Jack frowns deeper.

"Michael? But I thought he's-"

Castiel bolts up from his chair and races towards the hunter's room, Jack staring after him.

"Dean!"

He doesn't bother knocking. He pulls the door open, takes one look over Dean sitting at the edge of his bed with hands clasped together. Dean startles.

"Cas... "

"What are you doing?" Castiel demands, looming upon Dean.

The hunter opens his mouth when Michael suddenly speaks in his mind, jolting him a little as he stares into space. Before anything could be said, Castiel yanks Dean's collar and roughly pulls him up, cutting the connection.

"The hell, Cas!"

"You're not going to let Michael in again! I won't let you!"

"Oh, so you let Jack do whatever he wants but bench me? Am I the kid here?"

"No! That's not-"

"Dammit, Cas! If a kid can sacrifice himself, so can I, now leave me alone! Michael's agreed he needs to deal with Chuck this time! No turning back! I'm fighting!"

"No, Dean!"

Dean's eyes darken, his voice lowers.

"Cas, don't fucking make me banish you from my room! I'm doing this. I let you and Jack do everything you want now let me do this!"

"No!"

"I don't need your permission!"

"No!"

"What no!?"

"No, Dean! You have to stay!" Cas flings his arms around the hunter, his whole body slamming on Dean's as he pulls him tightly in his arms.

Dean grits his teeth when he feels the pressure, wraps his arms around his angel too. It takes a moment and he realizes the angel is shaking so bad, it drains the hunter's will to argue. He settles his anger aside and drops his face on Cas' shoulder.

"Dammit, Cas... You can't ask me to stay behind. You know I don't do that. I don't stay safe." he whispers, doesn't stop himself from planting his lips on the side of the angel's cheeks whose face is buried on his neck.

Castiel breaths heavily on his collar.

"I need you here, Dean. We... I need someone to go back to, we all do. We need something to look forward to when we think of winning. Winning is not an empty bunker... Winning is not your empty room... Winning is not our empty seats...winning is staying together... I... I need to make sure we win. It means all of you are here..."

Dean pressed his lips close and looks up his open door where Jack and Sam are standing. He flickers his eyes on his brother who sadly looks back at him. To Jack whose worrying his little forehead over them.

Losing his family overnight? Dean can understand.

Dean tightens his grip on Cas who hasn't spoken since. For even Cas to be so... frightened. It's so rare, yet so true and pure. The hunter sighs on the angel's neck again.

"Why d'you think I wanted to help, Cas? It's coz I wanna protect that dream too... I wanna protect you, Sam and Jack. It's not a suicide mission. I'm gonna fight to get back all of you and not lose anyone. Not this time. So you gotta let me. We gotta trust each other."

He sees Sam nod from the corner of his eyes. Sees Sam take Jack and they close the door, leaving Dean with his angel.

After what felt like eternity, Dean pulls from Cas a little and looks down his wet face. It should be illegal to still look so hot even when crying. Cas is just that beautiful.

"Didn't think you were so worried for me." he smiles, wiping away the streak of tears on Cas' cheeks. Looking at his angel fondly.

"You have no idea what you are to me. " Cas murmured, sinking on Dean's arms again. "Don't call Michael. Please, Dean..."

Dean doesn't answer. Cas tightens the embrace and grumbles on Dean's collar bone.

"Clingy bastard." Dean chuckles and slowly steps backwards to his bed. "You gonna cling on me like this forever?"

Cas says something on the line of "bold of you", "assume I'd even let go" with mouth hot on Dean's neck.

"Oh? So you gonna stay with me forever, Cas? You gonna be here after everything? With me? " Dean hits the edge of the bed, but doesn't drop. He has to stop. His question comes out nonchalant, but it rang of his worry

Castiel pulls up and finally stares him in the eyes, erasing any wall that's been between them for long, leaving only trust and openess. Those blue eyes rob Dean off his breath, like always.

"Say it then." Castiel says, voice gravelly, so endearing and appealing. Dean can't imagine falling for anyone else. Not in this life, not in any other next life. Cas will always be his it. He will never ask anyone this. He's never let anyone either, but for Cas-

"Stay."

Cas tackles him down the bed, their bodies tangling, no air or space with their lips locking, their souls tuning.

Stay. That's it. That's their win.

#destiel win #destiel ficlet #supernatural #casdean

[nellie-elizabeth]

Supernatural: Proverbs 17:3 (15x05)

Ooh the parallels! The meta! The heavy-handed foreshadowing, and then the acknowledgment of said heavy-handed foreshadowing. And Lilith! Let's dive in.

Cons:

I've talked about this before, and I think it's pretty standard criticism of Supernatural, but it's still kind of funny to me when Sam and Dean get flung around the room and knocked unconscious all the time. There's no way Sam doesn't have concussion syndrome at this point. To not only get hit on the head, but to be knocked out because of it for several minutes? That's a serious, serious injury. It's always so funny to me when the boys get knocked about so easily in every episode, because it seems like dumb luck that they're still alive.

The episode was only slightly past the thirty minute mark when the werewolves were dead, so it was so obviously telegraphed that there was more to the story. I would have wanted just one more twist thrown in for good measure, to try and trick audiences into maybe falling for the C-plot setup just a bit more. As it was, everything was so standard, so predictable, that I was primed for a big twist from the start.

Pros:

But honestly? This episode kicked ass, and it furthered the main plot, and if the worst thing I can say about it is that maybe it was slightly too predictable, I think we've got a winner on our hands.

Before we touch on the meta stuff, let's talk about the parallels as they stand. The obvious one is with the werewolf brothers. One brother shoots the other and then kills himself, because they had both become monsters. Sam and Dean are forced to watch, and the symbolism is certainly not lost on them, even before Lilith spells it out. This is the telegraphed ending, the confrontation we've come across before. It's high melodrama, and it's been done as the climactic ending of several seasons of Supernatural. Again and again, Sam and Dean would rather let the world burn than lose one another.

The story of the werewolf brothers also continues one of Supernatural's most repeated and yet sometimes muddled themes, that of whether monsters are salvageable or all need to be killed. We seem to have landed pretty firmly on the side of things that says there is redemption for monsters. We just saw Benny for a moment there last week, and characters like Jack are meant to be an argument against the inevitability of evil. It's a free will thing, right? So this ending for the werewolves, where death is the only salvation left to them, is clearly Chuck's philosophy, not the one that the show is going to land on in the end.

There was another parallel that I thought was really interesting. Before we know that Ashley is actually Lilith, she has this super on-the-nose conversation with Dean about how she doesn't know what she wanted to do with her life. I suddenly realized that she's a new graduate from college, the same age that Sam was when this show started fifteen years ago (it makes the potential romantic angle between Dean and Ashley really gross, in my opinion - I was getting more of a father-daughter vibe from them). But in any case, one of the other big questions this show is going to have to answer is how Sam and Dean will end up. Alive or dead? I'm betting on alive. And if that's the case, we've got to decide whether they will keep hunting forever, or whether they get a different ending. Dean is telling us that he loves his job and wants to keep hunting. Sam, I think, probably wants to settle down if at all possible. I like that these questions are being introduced here, as it's starting to set up whatever sort of epilogue we'll get at the end of the show.

I just want to say thumbs up on the continuing nostalgia factor these days. Thus far, returning characters/cameos include Ketch, Rowena, Kevin, Benny, Lilith, Becky, Amara... and I'm sure the list will go on. It's fun to have nods to the past in almost every episode, and they are managing to make it feel all very organic because the show itself has become about the fact that it's a story. Does that sentence even make sense? Well, you get the point. The meta nature of our final A-plot makes it work to have so many call-backs to the past.

And let's talk about that meta, shall we? For all that I was digging the parallels in a lot of ways, I was almost going to put something in the "cons" section to complain about how on-the-nose it all was. There's something to be said for a bit of subtlety, after all. But then Ashley turned out to be Lilith, and everything changed. Because all of this heavy-handed storytelling isn't the show-runners or writers. I mean, it is, but it's on purpose, because that's how Chuck rolls.

It makes everything come full circle in a way that feels true to Supernatural's origins. To the amazing five-season arc that made up the best of what the show had to offer, a decade ago. It comes down to brother vs. brother, but what it really comes down to is free will vs. destiny. That's the beating heart of this show, and Chuck is the one writing the story. He might not realize it right now, being that he's a merciless villain, but if Sam and Dean thwart him, and achieve their happiness, that is the ending that is narratively earned. That is the only appropriate way to end the story. Chuck is stuck in a cycle of dramatic and ironic deaths, where Sam and Dean, two people who would let the world burn for one another, are forced by circumstance to die by each other's hand. And the only true ending to this show can be the one where Sam and Dean are forced by circumstance to make that choice, and choose to say no. It doesn't matter that we've been here before, so many times. That's the story Chuck wants to tell, and it's the story Sam and Dean will refuse.

I also want to touch base on Sam's dreams for a moment. We get the very predictable, yet still cool, revelation that Chuck and Sam are linked because of the "Equalizer" bullet that Sam shot Chuck with at the end of last season. Because of that, Sam is getting access into some of Chuck's imagined endings. We had the dream last week, and here we see Sam killing Dean again, this time with fire. And then we see Dean, a demon once again with the Mark of Cain back on his arm, stabbing Sam with the First Blade. Sam is disturbed by the nightmares, but keeps them from Dean until Dean tells Sam what Lilith told him about God's plan. I'm glad that Sam and Dean got to go a little while without knowing Chuck was still around, but it makes sense that as we're now 25% done with the season, they are back in the know and ready to face down their greatest challenge yet. This is exciting stuff, guys!

Lilith's return was everything it should have been. I knew a twist was coming, but when Ashley tripped and fell and was impaled on those antlers, I was legitimately shocked. And then - Lilith? Of all people? I was, as they say, shook. She destroys the Equalizer, which is good because I hate the super-powered weapon thing, and she tortures Dean a little bit just for fun, while under orders to leave both of the boys alive for Chuck's bigger plan. Obviously I am a sucker for Dean doing anything and everything to protect Sam, so that moment when Sam was lying there unconscious and Lilith starts to walk towards him, and Dean says "don't touch him," was just... *chef's kiss*.

And finally, let's turn to the Cas of it all. I am actually super delighted by the way they are doing this whole Cas and Dean breakup subplot. It's pretty clear from the brief mentions we get that Dean did not clue Sam in to what went down between them. Sam is texting and calling Cas and getting no answer, and Dean is shrugging and acting like nothing's wrong. Sam left a message cluing him in on the Chuck and Lilith situation, so what else can they do? I love that Dean is acting all casual and unconcerned. Because he's probably hurt and guilty, and he doesn't know how to process that right now when it comes to Cas. It's all leading up to some kind of resolution that I think I'm probably going to be happy with, no matter how blatantly no-homo they go with it. At least we're getting an entire emotional arc about their friendship. That's frankly more than I was expecting.

Dang, this review got long. I guess that's what happens when the episode ends up being really, really good! I'm pretty pumped for how the show is going to end, and ready for lots of nostalgia and gratuitous angst along the way!

9/10

#review #supernatural #supernatural review #spn #spn 15x05

[resilientsovl]

BASIC INFORMATION

FULL NAME:  samuel  william  winchester. PRONUNCIATION:  pronounced  how  it’s  spelled. MEANING:  so  from   the  hebrew  name  שְׁמוּאֵל,  it  means  god  has  heard,  or  name  of  god.  it’s  a  little  ironic  considering  sam  is  lucifer,  god’s  fallen  son’s,  true  vessel.   REASONING:  sam  was  named  after  his  maternal  grandfather,  samuel  campbell. NICKNAME(S):  sam,  sammy,  little  winchester,  moose,  738273  other  height  related  nicknames. PREFERRED NAME(S):   sam. BIRTH DATE:  may  2,  1983. AGE:  honestly  he’s  not  sure.  he’s  died  3-4  times,  been  the  vessel  for  demons  and  archangels  which  probably  stalled  his  physical  aging  too.  i  say  he’s  probably  biologically  somewhere  around  35,  even  though  he’s  technically  47ish. ZODIAC: taurus. GENDER:  cismale. PRONOUNS:   he/him. ROMANTIC ORIENTATION:  heteroromantic. SEXUAL ORIENTATION:  bisexual.  (  he  can  appreciate  that  men  are  attractive,  has  probably  even  slept  with  a  couple,  but  has  no  desire  to  be  in  romantic,  serious,  relationships  with  men.  ) NATIONALITY:  american. ETHNICITY:   wonderbread  white. CURRENT LOCATION:  san  francisco,  ca. LIVING CONDITIONS:   a  crappy  two  bedroom  apartment  he  rents  by  the  month.  it’s  small,  not  in  a  great  neighborhood,  but  it  does  the  trick.   TITLE(S):   n/a.

BACKGROUND

BIRTH PLACE:   lawrence,  kansas. HOMETOWN:  technically  lawrence  kansas,  but  they  moved  around  frequently.   SOCIAL CLASS:  blue  collar. EDUCATION LEVEL:   undergraduate  degree  from  stanford.   FATHER:   john  winchester. MOTHER:   mary  winchester  (  neé  campbell  ).   SIBLING(S):   dean  winchester,  adam  milligan  (  half  ).   BIRTH ORDER:  dean,  sam,  adam.   CHILDREN:  jack  kline  (  adopted  /  unofficially  ) PET(S):   n/a. OTHER IMPORTANT RELATIVES:  bobby  singer,  pseudo  uncle.   castiel,  pseudo  brother  /  brother-in-law.   SIGNIFICANT  OTHER:   natasha  herrera,  wife.  (  separated  ) PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIPS:   jessica  moore,  amelia  richardson,  meg,  sarah  blake,  ruby,  a  few  one  night  stands,  amy  pond  (  first  kiss  ),  etc.   ARRESTS?:  a  few,  yes.   PRISON TIME?:  minimal,  seen  in  folsom  prison  blues.  

OCCUPATION & INCOME

PRIMARY SOURCE OF INCOME:   credit  card  scams,  illegal  activity.   SECONDARY SOURCE OF INCOME:   n/a. TERTIARY SOURCE(S) OF INCOME:   hunting,  but  it  pays  for  shit.   APPROXIMATE AMOUNT PER YEAR:   unknown.   CONTENT WITH THEIR JOB (OR LACK THERE OF)?:   this  is  never  the  job  he  wanted.  so  no,  definitely  not.   PAST JOB(S):   student.   SPENDING HABITS:  extremely  frugal,  only  on  necessities.   MOST VALUABLE POSSESSION:  john  winchester’s  journal.  

SKILLS & ABILITIES

PHYSICAL STRENGTH:   peak  physical  condition,  human,  in-shape.   OFFENSE:   extremely  skilled  with  weapons  and  hand  to  hand.   DEFENSE:  extremely  skilled  with  lethal  and  non-lethal  defensive  moves.   SPEED:  faster  than  average. INTELLIGENCE:  educated  and  above  average.   ACCURACY:   above  average. AGILITY:   above  average.   STAMINA:   above  average.   TEAMWORK:   below  average.  he  doesn’t  work  well  with  people  he  doesn’t  know  or  trust.  it  takes  time  to  develop  a  bond  /  ease  of  working  with  others.   TALENTS:   computer  skills,  digesting  information,  critical  thinking  skills. SHORTCOMINGS:   stubborn,  naive,  reckless,  deep  psychological  trauma,  suicidal  ideation,  a  nice  grabbag  of  issues.   LANGUAGE(S) SPOKEN:   latin,  english,  probably  a  bunch  of  other  old,  dead,  languages  that  might  come  in  handy.  he  probably  also  took  spanish  in  school.   DRIVE?:   yes. JUMP-STAR A CAR?:   yes. CHANGE A FLAT TIRE?:   yes.   RIDE A BICYCLE?:   yes. SWIM?:   yes.   PLAY AN INSTRUMENT?:   no. PLAY CHESS?:   yes. BRAID HAIR?:   no. TIE A TIE?:   yes. PICK A LOCK?:  yes.  

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE & CHARACTERISTICS

FACE CLAIM:   jared  padalecki.   EYE COLOR:   hazel. HAIR COLOR:   brown. HAIR TYPE/STYLE:   long  and  flowing.   GLASSES/CONTACTS?:   n/a. DOMINANT HAND:   right.   HEIGHT:  6′4 WEIGHT:   220  ish  lbs. BUILD:   slender  but  muscular.   EXERCISE HABITS:  rigorous.  he  jogs  in  the  mornings,  does  sit  ups  /  pull  ups  at  night,  and  lifts  weights  during  the  day  in  between  cases.  he  stays  in  shape.   SKIN TONE:   tanned.   TATTOOS:   anti-possession  tattoo  over  his  heart.   it  was  carved  out  in  2026  but  the  scar  has  been  tattooed  over,  replacing  the  original.   PEIRCINGS:   none.   MARKS/SCARS:   he’s  died  and  come  back  so  many  times,  it’s  hard  to  say  what’s  still  there  and  what’s  gone.   he  does  still  have  the  bullet  wound  from  where  he  shot  chuck  though.  it  never  healed.   NOTABLE FEATURES:   nose,  hair.   USUAL EXPRESSION:   smirk  of  disbelief,  concern.   CLOTHING STYLE:   lumberjack  lesbian.   JEWELRY:    he  wears  a  chain  with  his  wedding  ring  around  his  neck,  the  one  he  never  got  to  put  on  for  real.   ALLERGIES:   none.   BODY TEMPERATURE:   normal. DIET:   not  great.  hence  the  need  to  work  out. PHYSICAL AILMENTS:   general  fatigue  from  a  rigorously  active  lifestyle.  

PSYCHOLOGY

JUNG TYPE:  INFJ JUNG SUBTYPE:  Introvert(47%)  iNtuitive (34%)  Feeling(31%)  Judging(38%) You have moderate preference of Introversion over Extraversion (47%) You have moderate preference of Intuition over Sensing (34%) You have moderate preference of Feeling over Thinking (31%) You have moderate preference of Judging over Perceiving (38%) ENNEAGRAM TYPE:   the  reformer  or  the  challenger.   MORAL ALIGNMENT:  chaotic  good.   TEMPERAMENT:   melancholic.   ELEMENT:   taurus  are  usually  earth  elements,  but  i  think  air  suits  sam  better.   PRIMARY INTELLIGENCE TYPE:   logical-mathematical,  probably.   APPROXIMATE IQ:   unknown.  we  know  he  scored  a  174  on  the  LSAT,  which  is  incredible,  but  that  doesn’t  always  translate  over  to  IQ.  i  would  say  he’s  got  a  pretty  high  IQ  even  if  he  lacks  a  few  common  sense  points.   MENTAL CONDITIONS/DISORDERS:   undiagnosed  depression,  anxiety,  PTSD,  imposter  syndrome,  and  survivor’s  guilt  —  and  that’s  just  the  tip  of  the  iceberg.   don’t  ask  me  to  psychoanalyze  the  winchesters,  it’ll  break  us  all.   SOCIABILITY:   he  doesn’t  seek  it  out  but  he  can  keep  up  with  the  joneses.   EMOTIONAL STABILITY:   not  good.  he  has  exhibited  severe  signs  of  codependency,  suicidal  ideation,  lack  of  regard  for  his  own  life,  and  believe  that  he’s  cursed.  the  boy  is  a  mess.   OBSESSION(S):  vengeance  after  significant  loss,  saving  people  (  even  if  it’s  from  themselves  ),  trying  to  make  up  for  all  of  the  blood  on  his  hands.   PHOBIA(S):   clowns.  not  a  fan.   ADDICTION(S):   demon  blood  (  previously  ) DRUG USE:   no. ALCOHOL USE:  recreationally.   PRONE TO VIOLENCE?:  can  be,  yes.  

MANNERISMS

SPEECH STYLE:  casual. ACCENT:   american.  nothing  specific.   QUIRKS:   chewing  on  pen  caps,  tapping  to  songs  on  the  radio  against  the  steering  wheel  with  his  fingers.   HOBBIES:   reading,  researching,  pool,  morning  crosswords.   HABITS:   stress  pacing,  irritability  under  extreme  pressure. NERVOUS TICKS:   jaw  clench,  nostrils  flaring,  hands  curled  into  fists.   DRIVES/MOTIVATIONS:  vengeance,  restoring  order  /  protecting  people,  survival.   FEARS:  losing  the  people  he  loves,  hurting  innocents,  isolation.   POSITIVE TRAITS:   dependable,  loyal,  protective,  determined,  strong,  honest,  vulnerable. NEGATIVE TRAITS:  impulsive,  reckless,  guilt-stricken,  naive,  obtuse,  too  trusting.   SENSE OF HUMOR:   dry,  sarcastic.   DO THEY CURSE OFTEN?:   no. CATCHPHRASE(S):  damnit, dean.    jerk  /  bitch.  

FAVORITES

ACTIVITY:   long  drives.   ANIMAL:  hedgehogs. BEVERAGE:   monster  energy  drinks.   BOOK:   probably  the  classics,  or  something  by  neil  gaiman. CELEBRITY:   he  doesn’t  have  one. COLOR:   blue.   DESIGNER:   doesn’t  have  one.   FOOD:  philly  cheesesteak.   maybe  mashed  potatoes,  if  not  the  cheesesteak.   FLOWER:   sunflowers. GEM:   none. HOLIDAY:    none.   MODE OF TRANSPORTATION:   car.   MOVIE:   mallrats.   MUSICAL ARTIST:  none.  he’ll  just  listen  to  whatever  they  have  in  the  car,  or  is  on  the  radio.  before  i  think  he  was  probably  into  top  40,  maybe  even  classic  rock  as  much  as  he  complained  about it.   QUOTE/SAYING:   none. SCENERY:   autumn  leaves  falling  from  trees.   SCENT:   linen.   SPORT:   none.  he  doesn’t  care.   SPORTS TEAM:   see  above.   TELEVISION SHOW:   none.  he  probably  only  watches  soap  operas  every  now  and  then  again.  he  doesn’t  watch  anything  he  would  have  to  invest  time  and  energy  in.   maybe  pawnstars,  or  mythbusters.   WEATHER:  drizzle.   VACATION DESTINATION:  somewhere  warm,  tropic,  and  free  of  monsters.  

ATTITUDES

GREATEST DREAM:   to  have  a  normal  life.   he  knows  he’ll  never  get  it,  has  come  to  terms  with  the  fact  that  he  was  never  going  to  be  normal.   GREATEST FEAR:   ending  up  alone,  watching  everyone  he  loves  die.   MOST AT EASE WHEN:  around  the  people  he  loves.   LEAST AT EASE WHEN:   on  a  hunt  that’s  starting  to  go  awry.   WORST POSSIBLE THING THAT COULD HAPPEN:   turning  into  a  monster  —  the  very  thing  he’s  dedicated  his  life  to  hunting,  or  becoming  evil.  being  forced  into  killing  his  own  brother,  or  someone  he  loves  like  family,  would  also  make  the  list.   BIGGEST ACHIEVEMENT:  in  a  really  soft  way,  i  want  to  say  it’s  becoming  a  pseudo  dad  to  jack.  it  might  not  have  been  what  he  saw  for  himself,  or  how  he  imagined  being  a  dad,  but  he  loves  the  kid.   if  not  that,  maybe  stopping  the  apocalypse.   not  that  it  lasted  for  very  long.   BIGGEST REGRET:   not  telling  jessica  the  truth.  he  will  always  believe  he  got  her  killed.  that  guilt  will  set  with  him  until  the  day  he  dies.   MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT:   too  many  to  count.   BIGGEST SECRET:   he  remembers  a  lot  of  what  the  demon  did  when  it  possessed  him  in  2026.   he  fought  with  everything  he  had,  but  every  time  he  broke  through  they  pushed  him  back  down.   TOP PRIORITIES:  figuring  out  what  comes  next,  i  suppose.  

#meta.

[life-love-geekculture]

SPN 14x20: a few (i.e. many) thoughts

Writers lie.

But, they lie in order to tell a greater truth.

At least, that’s how the proverbial wisdom goes anyway. After this episode, however, I’m not entirely sure I know what Chuck’s truth is supposed to be.

“Endings are hard. Any chapped-ass monkey with a keyboard can poop out a beginning, but endings are impossible.”

That’s my all time favorite quote from the series. Along with the addendum endings are a raging pain in the ass. Ever since his introduction, I’ve always felt an affinity for Chuck’s character. He’s a writer. So am I. He vocalized a not insignificant part of that experience. Reconciling the pain characters you create and love have to go through to get them from point A to point B. The difficulty in wrapping up a story. Hell, critics. It’s one of the reasons Metatron always drove me a bit nuts during his play at godhood. All of the technique, but none of the artistry.

I guess what I’m trying to get at is Chuck’s turn to villiany hurts a little. It’s brilliant beyond all belief, don’t get me wrong! What better way to get across the theme of free will on a meta-narrative level? But within the SPN universe it just feels anti-thetical to the story he’s been “telling”. An honest to god betrayal of it.

Don’t get me wrong. I can buy the avoided apocalypse (the first one at least) was Chuck’s intent all along. He wanted Sam and Dean to choose family. He created free will so it could be used. It plays seemlessly into the parental metaphor they’ve also attached to him. The kids have got to grow up sometime. And part of growing up means cleaning up your messes on your own. Which the Winchesters do...a lot.

This sudden shift in attitude,though, just doesn’t make sense to me. It’s less writing an ending as crumpling the document and throwing it away. If the multi-verse is supposed to represent drafts, then Chuck is the kind of writer who keeps ahold of them because some element in one could make another better (and now bringing all the alt-hunters back make sense on a meta level and my head hurts). The point is, if SPN is his final draft or his favorite why destroy it?The characters’ didn’t do what you wanted ? That’s half the fun of being a writer! The unexpected twists of creation! Inspiration turned to life! It makes no sense.

And so I tried to look at it from the God-angle perspective and it still doesn’t make sense. Chuck doesn’t change. Like he told Lucifer he’s pretty much the same as he’s always been. Yes, there’s the Old Testament’s wrathful side. The fire and brimstone and punishment, but even in the Bible that’s balanced with compassion and forgiveness. There’s the Chuck whose solution has always been: build a bigger box. The one who fought for creation to be born. Not made, born. The one who could be reasoned out of apparent wrath because the point was the lesson (the truth) he was trying to get across. And then I remembered his exchange with Castiel...

Chuck: See this is why people need to lie. It’s good. Keeps the peace, you know?

Castiel: Seems like an odd stance for...you.

Chuck: Is it? I’m a writer. Lying is kinda what we do

Chuck is God’s lie.

That is, it’s the mask he wears to keep the peace. It’s his way of walking away and letting the kids learn (and in many ways blossom) for themselves while still supervising. It’s something Metatron calls him out on when they meet in season 11 to discuss Chuck’s autobiography. Specifically, Metatron notes the emphasis on time spent in the Chuck persona was being used to hide the truth. And, it’s a truth Chuck readily confesses to Sam in the Bunker.

Jack told the universe to stop lying. Chuck comes back immediately in full father-mode. The father who demands obedience over the growth of the children (hello, season 1 & 2 parallels). These are not coincidental. Now, sure Chuck could fix creation, but could he do the same for himself? Evidence suggests...not so much. And, based on the look Billie gives Jack in the Empty, the kid done fucked up something. That was not a happy look.

So where does this leave us?

Well, with a zombie apocalypse in the immediate future and lots of ghosts to deal with next. More importantly, though, it looks like the boys may be on a mission to stop or save God himself. It’s...it’s a hell of a way to go out. The writer in me is very proud.

Before I wrap this up, though, a few thoughts on TFW 2.0:

First, I called it with Dean. Again, not a surprise. As I said, he needs to get to the edge before he can back off from it. That said, this episode wasn’t without some painful moments for him. As some of you may know, I’ve started rewatching and reviewing old episodes of SPN in preparation for the series finale. A bit serendipitous given recent events, but as part of that I rewatched episode 1x03 recently. Dean’s speech about Mary being his hero is so similar in tone to the speech he gives Lucas (the kid with the psychic link to the lake ghost) about his belief in Mary wanting him to be brave. It physically hurt to watch. The facade hiding the pain of Mary’s second death publicly cracking in a way similar to the facade hiding the pain of her first. But it also made me really excited to complete this review series and pull out those hidden parallels. Also, don’t think for a second I won’t point out how much of a nerd Dean really is. I have said it for years and now I feel vindicated!

On a more serious note, I don’t know what to say about Jack. Seeing him dead hurt (the only tears I shed in the finale to be honest). But this season left off with so many unanswered questions. Just how powerful is this kid? What are the Shadow and Billie planning? What is with Halucifer 2.0? How the fuck do souls actually work? And I’m still trying to get my head around his self-prophecy to Cas. A perfect world has always seemed, again, anti-thetical to the point of the story. The power of choice means things can’t be perfect and the only way to bring about perfection is to rob creation of choice. It’s a constant battle the Winchesters have had to fight. I’m cautiously intrigued to see how this storyline is going to be fulfilled.

So let’s talk about Sam. I knew the kid was in a bad place going in to this episode, but...DAMN!

I’m pretty solidly in the camp he wasn’t intending to kill Chuck with that wave of multi-dimensional hoo-haa. Sam’s only ever been that bad of a shot during the trials when he was sick. Still the fact he even tried it...This might be the one thing I can’t forgive Dean for this season. Even when the boys have been at their worst, Dean still allowed Sam to talk.To get his grief out. There’s been no relief since Mary’s death and Sam’s journey has inevitably played into a point I made reviewing Absence(14x18). The boys are used to dealing with death as a matter of consequence, not an accident. Which is why Sam is currently blaming himself for what happened. While it’s true Jack’s storyline for the season contributed towards Mary’s death, it’s something that could have happened regardless of if he had a soul or not. There’s no cosmic choice involved. But add it to the list of things that have gone wrong this season, and it makes sense for Sam to shift the blame to Chuck when he realized he’s been watching and apparently not doing anything (something we’ve known about Chuck for practically forever).

It’s something people do when bad things happen all the time in the real world. Chuck could have been less of an ass explaining why he couldn’t help, but he’s sorta not...wrong. Assuming he didn’t interfere with Jack to kick this mess off (and I hope to God that is not the case), it all goes back to free will. Sometimes bad things just happen. Sometimes Someone makes a stupid mistake in the heat of moment, and you just have to live with the aftermath. That said, I just kind of want to wrap the moose in a bunch of blankets and keep him protected in the Bunker forever and...

And so finally, we come to Cas. My sweet, awesome fucking angel/best dad in the whole universe. Cas wins the whole season! Give him all of the awards! The poor angel has been putting out fire after fire and I love him for it as much as I’m still terrified for him. It does crack me up a little that everyone got so pissed at the boys last episode for the Ma’lak box, and yet Cas is literally thinking of putting Jack in the Cage this episode. Like father, like son I guess. Yet, it’s clear his intention is to save him. Cas isn’t blind to the danger Jack poses, but his aim is to just contain him till a cure can be found. Not a great solution but the only one we have at the moment. And can we talk about that scene in the graveyard! Perfect imagery of a father being strict but compassionate towards his son who screwed up. All of the awards! All of them!

#supernatural #spn #spn spoliers #moriah #spn 14x20 #I didn’t mean to write a novel #spn: a few thoughts #spn in review #chuck #castiel #dean winchester #sam winchester #jack winchester

[unityghost]

Aftermath

First, I apologize for taking a long time to post this. I go to a college that is notorious for its heavy workloads.

In the last story, I responded to a prompt Gabriel had a nightmare about Sam. Two readers offered the following responses:

1. "The only complaint I have is that Gabriel got over his fear of Sam rather quickly."

- Shelly (Archive of Our Own)

2. "It certainly sounds like a traumatic nightmare that Gabriel. I wonder, will it affect his and Sam's relationship any? I know they smoothed it over for the most part, but I'd imagine a nightmare like that would still have consequences."

- willows dancing in the wind (FanFiction.net)

I also had a request:

"Ohmygosh please have Sam make Gabe some hot chocolate!"

- letbuckyeathisgoddamnplums (Archive of Our Own and regular consumer of PASF "trauma cocoa")

Thanks for the constructive criticism and the request!

As far as Gabriel could tell, no one had noticed. After all, switching things up now and then wasn’t unusual; he’d asked Castiel or, on occasion, even Dean to stay with him as he fell asleep.

Up until a week ago, it had been Sam.

The night that Gabriel dreamt of Sam pinning him down and shoving the archangel blade into Gabriel’s open mouth had thrown a shroud over these past several days. Gabriel wasn’t terrified of Sam, not like he’d been in the dream; yet his stomach churned when they were in the same room, and he could only hope that Sam hadn’t noticed his reluctance to be touched. Gabriel kept his distance when he could; and when he couldn’t, he simply leaned away from Sam as subtly as possible.

Since no one remarked upon his behavior, Gabriel assumed they either didn’t see it or figured it was a good thing that Sam finally had a little space. He tried to convince himself that his fear was a positive development: it was time not only to give Sam room to breathe, but to give himself the opportunity to fight without help.

His heart sank whenever he thought about it, but he knew it was necessary. Gabriel would have preferred that it happen another way, but he supposed he should be grateful that things weren’t any worse.

Castiel, who had been the one to stay with him tonight, was gone when Gabriel lurched awake in a cold sweat after seeing Asmodeus at the wheel of the Impala, crushing Gabriel’s thigh in a cobra-like grip as the car sped backwards.

He was still dizzy when he came out of it. In the darkness of the bedroom, he moaned and rolled over, trying to disentangle himself from the sheets. But he was close enough to the edge that he fell, smacking his head on the nightstand and crying out in pain.

A few moments later, there were footsteps. Gabriel scrambled upright, one hand pressed to his skull.

“No!” he yelled when the door was thrown open and the light switched on.

Sam looked alarmed and exhausted in the pallor of the overhead lamp. “What happened?”

Still holding his head, Gabriel struggled for a deep breath. “Nothing. A bad dream.” Trembling, he sat down on the bed. “Just another bad dream.”

The expression on Sam’s face - one of worry and close attention - was familiar.

As expected, Gabriel was afraid - but afraid as if he’d lost sight of a spider crawling on the ceiling. The quiet fear, the disgust - these were present.

But he didn’t feel frantic. Here and now, clad in pajamas and pale from sleep, Sam hardly appeared threatening.

He looked Gabriel up and down. “Did you get hurt?”

Gabriel slid his hand from his hair. “No.”

“Can I come sit with you for a minute?”

Gabriel tensed. The spider was in his bed now - but at least he knew its location. “Okay.”

Sam took a seat at the foot of the mattress. “Gabriel, what happened? That sounded bad.”

“Humpty Dumpty had a great fall and managed to put himself back together again. He’s a self-sufficient egg.”

“Are you just saying that because you’re still scared of me?”

Gabriel was so astonished that for a moment he wasn’t sure he’d heard correctly. A long silence went by, during which Sam simply waited and Gabriel made a fruitless attempt to assemble his thoughts.

“Damn it” was all he could come up with.

“It’s okay,” Sam assured him. “I figured you’d have trouble shaking it off. Have you said anything to Dean or Cas?”

“What? No. Why would I do that?”

Sam frowned. “Why not?”

“Well - can you imagine what it’d sound like? Trying to explain that immediately after I was clinging to you like a baby orangutan to its mother, I suddenly decided you were some kind of anti-Sam? Come on.”

“You were disoriented. You’re used to looking for me when you’re upset, right? And I was there after the dream, even if it was a dream about me. Made sense that you’d act according to routine.”

Gabriel glanced at the floor. “That’s not really what matters. Thing is, I have exactly zero justification here. It’s cruel to be afraid of you after everything you’ve given me.” He looked up. “Your currency is emotional CPR. Mine is fear. That’s not exactly an even exchange.”

“This isn’t about you owing me compensation,” Sam objected. “You know that; it’s never been about that. It’s about - ”

“ - me being a dumpster full of paint thinner and gasoline. And not having the discipline to stop myself throwing in a lighted match.”

“Gabriel, look - ”

“I can’t short-circuit on you,” Gabriel interrupted. “It isn’t fair. It just isn’t. You do too damn much to keep me from drowning for me to be fidgety around you.”

Sam considered his next words carefully. “Well ... you’ve got one thing right: it’s definitely not fair. But Gabriel, it’s you who’s getting a bad deal, not me. Remember how you said you felt like Asmodeus was taking me away from you? You shouldn’t have to feel like that.” Gabriel could tell that Sam was battling the instinct to offer some kind of physical consolation. “You didn’t do anything you shouldn’t have. This is just how things are right now. And it's okay.”

Gabriel swallowed, trying to gather the courage to speak, but simply lowered his head and hugged his knees.

“Are you cold?” Sam lifted the disheveled comforter and draped it over Gabriel’s shoulders, careful not to touch him. “There you go; it’s okay. You’re okay.”

Gabriel tried to speak, tried to tell Sam that no, he wasn’t okay. That none of this was okay.

But he couldn’t.

“Let me help you, all right?” said Sam. “Let me show you I’m not gonna hurt you.”

Gabriel didn’t answer him.

“Gabriel?”

At last, he gathered his strength. “Yeah. Fine.”

Sam stood up. “I can get us some tea. Why don’t you just wait here while I do that?”

Gabriel simultaneously wanted the security of having Sam nearby and the safety of not having him there at all. But before he could get caught up in the decision-making process, he muttered, “Tea sounds okay.”

“Yeah. Great. I’ll be right back.”

While Sam was in the kitchen, Gabriel took time to interpret what was happening. Sam was partly right: being alone with him, and seeing no signs of danger, was helping a little. But it stirred up something else too - a sense of longing that had been thickening within Gabriel throughout this past week, but which he had opted to ignore.

One thing, at least, had become clear: pushing Sam away was dragging Gabriel backward. Guilt, fear, revulsion - all of these had lately become just a little less familiar to him, or at least less habitual. Now they were regaining momentum; and he was all too aware that Sam, once Gabriel readjusted to his company, was going to take on the responsibility of keeping those feelings under control.

Sam didn’t need that kind of work. Not after the weight he’d already carried.

Lost in thought, Gabriel jumped when he spotted Sam reentering the room with two mugs. “Whoa, hey - ” Sam stepped back, splashing some of the fluid onto the floor.

Gabriel exhaled. “Final verdict: no blades, only kitschy T.J. Maxx dishware.”

Sam smiled and set Gabriel’s cup on the nightstand. A warm aroma filled the space around the bed, a sweet scent that definitely wasn’t coming from tea.

Sam noticed Gabriel looking at the mug. “Jack had a few spare packets of cocoa lying around. Figured you might need the nutrients. And the taste. Out of whipped cream, sorry.”

“I don’t want to take the kid’s hard-earned sugar,” Gabriel protested.

“You know he won’t mind. Jack wants to see you get better as much as any of us do.”

That was true. Jack was overprotective, asking at random intervals whether Gabriel felt all right.

“Careful,” Sam cautioned as Gabriel shifted the blanket so that he could pick up the mug. “It burns.”

“Thanks, Mom. I was just about to see what’d happen if I poured it down my shirt.”

Several minutes passed with neither of them uttering a word. Gabriel had the sense that Sam was waiting for him to open the conversation.

Gabriel, for his part, didn’t trust himself to say the right thing. He remained curled up in the heavy bedspread, soothed by the fragrance of the drink.

After a full five minutes of waiting for Gabriel to speak, Sam gave in. “Is there anything else you want to talk about?”

Gabriel shook his head.

Sam’s face fell, but he didn’t push. “You like the cocoa?”

“Yeah. Too much, I think. Tastes like pre-Hell. Tell me,” he added, wanting to change the subject, “How often does my little bro let Jack indulge the wiles of his trickster-esque palate?”

“Cas bugs the crap out of Dean about not steaming the broccoli too much. Says Jack needs the vitamins. So uh, after enough fruits and vegetables, I guess.”

“And am I going to have to be the first to call nephilim-protective services?”

Sam laughed. “You don’t have to worry. Between you and me, Dean lets him have as much sugar as he can handle. Just keep it on the down low so Cas doesn’t ruin the fun.” He took a sip from his own mug. “You know, you can have this every day if you want. If you’re not gonna go for actual food, I guess this isn’t the worst substitute.”

“Every day, huh?”

“Yeah.”

“Huh.”

Sam surveyed him, and a look of alarm crossed his face. “Gabriel?”

Gabriel focused on the stitches in the comforter, tracing the patterns with his eyes. When that brought up unwanted memories of having his mouth sewn shut, he turned his attention to the warmth and heaviness of the blanket.

There was the soft thud of Sam’s mug being placed on the nightstand. “Gabriel? Hey.”

Silence.

“Are you scared? I can leave.”

Gabriel shook his head.

“Then what? Gabriel, what’s wrong?”

Reign it in, bitch, Gabriel scolded himself, and took deep breaths to try and calm down.

“Hang on.” Sam’s voice was gentle. “You’re gonna spill this all over yourself.” He pried the cup from Gabriel’s hands and placed it beside his own. “You’re all wound up. What is it?”

Gabriel shook his head again, wishing he had the composure to answer in words but not daring to try.

“Did I say something to bother you? Gabriel, tell me. Please.”

Gabriel swallowed hard and forced himself to speak. “It’s just that … I …”

Sam waited.

“I’m confused,” Gabriel whispered.

Sam looked puzzled. “About what?”

“About - Sam, when you said - when you said I could have this every day, I didn’t - I don’t - ”

“Okay. All right, Gabe, slow down. Tell me what you mean.”

Gabriel coughed in an effort to loosen the knot in his throat. “Why? Why would you let me have this? Especially every day. I don’t - why would you let me have anything, Sam? Why would you do that? Why would you say that? I - I can’t figure it out. I don’t know, I just - it feels weird, that’s all.”

Sam furrowed his brow. “That’s why you’re so upset? Because I said you could have something you like?” But then, all at once, recognition dawned on his face. “Oh man … Gabriel … look, I know Asmodeus wouldn’t let you have anything you wanted - anything you needed or asked for. But we’re not like that. We’re just not.”

Gabriel turned his head so that Sam couldn’t see his expression. “I guess I just don’t speak this language. The language of ‘you’re allowed’ or ‘we’ll feed you’ or ‘here’s a - ’” Gabriel huddled under the bedspread again. “‘Here’s a blanket.’”

Sam’s eyes shone with desperation. “Gabriel, man, you’ve got to let us take care of you.”

Once more incapable of speech, Gabriel went back to shaking his head.

Sam softened his voice. “You’re sick. What use is there in feeling guilty for that? When you’re sick you need people to do what you can’t do by yourself.”

Gabriel kept trying to take steady breaths.

“Gabe, can I ask you something?” When there was no response, Sam continued, “That nightmare - was it something I did?”

Gabriel’s despair was momentarily interrupted by astonishment. “What?”

“Did I say or do something that set you off and I just didn’t realize it?”

Gabriel blinked. “Jesus crickets, Sam. This is why our conversations always sound like some kind of Lovecraftian Hallmark holiday special. You eat self-hate for breakfast. You don’t even have the common sense to realize that me having a nightmare about someone I love has nothing to do with anybody but Asmodeus.”

Sam still looked uneasy. “All right.”

“No, it’s not all right! It’s not all right for you to feel that way. Because I know you. You’re sure you did something to start up another psychotic episode. For Dad’s sake, Sam, of course you didn’t do anything. Come on, I overshare pretty much all the time nowadays. Don’t you think I would’ve mentioned if you were the one to spill those last sorry marbles I have left?”

Sam raised his hands in surrender. “Fine. All right. I was just checking.”

“And you - ” Gabriel squeezed fistfuls of the comforter. “You’re not him. I’m crazy, and even I can tell you’re not him.”

“There’s a difference between being crazy and being scared, you know.”

“Yeah, sure, great. Maybe for you.”

Sam stiffened. “Definitely not for me. I’ve told you what I was like after I got out of the Cage. Anyway, Gabriel - you know this is going to take a while. You don’t need me to tell you that. And I know that getting adjusted … getting used to people not hurting you … it’s rough. Especially when you think you shouldn’t be treated like that after being kicked around. Being hated. And being told you deserve to be bullied until you break down. I know what it’s like. But you can’t fix how vulnerable you are right now - especially not all by yourself. What you cando is ride it out and face the worst of it with us. Stop holding things in; stop feeling guilty. You only have so much control right now, and that’s not going to change if you keep trying to get it back without letting us help. I promise - the end result looks a lot different when recovery is a team effort.”

Gabriel lost his voice again. But this time, instead of shaking his head, he nodded.

“You’re doing it right now,” Sam pointed out. “Trying to hide. It’s just me, Gabriel. You’re gonna make yourself sick if you keep that up.”

What would be worse? Sacrificing his dignity like he had countless times since first coming to the bunker, or grinding his teeth until his jaw hurt?

He hated that Sam could read him so easily.

Sam sighed. “Look. I just want you to know … there’s nothing you can’t do. Not when you’re with me. This isn’t supposed to not hurt, Gabriel.”

You’ve got to let us take care of you.

Sam’s attention was the easiest to accept. And yet it was also the hardest, precisely because Gabriel wanted it so badly.

Now, after a week of avoidance because of something that wasn’t even Sam’s fault …

Gabriel took a slow, shuddering breath. “I thought I was tougher than I am. For you it’s different. It really is. I’ve been around since the mid-forevers, and you - you’re only human. Humankind is easier to bruise. I don’t mean that to sound petty; I’ve actually always kind of admired it about you guys - the way you fight back when you could just let the universe eat you. Even when you’re not trying, you know? The way strength creeps into your dreams and your instincts. The way you remember good things when everything else has gone to shit. Somewhere in you, you just … you can’t let go of that resilience. It’s part of who you are.” He paused. “I have respect for the way people make themselves so much stronger than they’re supposed to be.”

Sam contemplated Gabriel’s words. “I don’t think you’re that different from us.”

“I - ”

“Not just you. Everyone. Look at Cas.”

“But he’s not an arch - ”

“I know he’s not an archangel. But Lucifer is.”

Sam spoke so casually that Gabriel almost didn’t realize how outlandish the statement was. “What does Lucifer have to do with anything?”

“Well, he was locked up too, wasn’t he? I mean, I didn’t know him before he turned into what he is now, but I figure he was … awful, but maybe not as awful as after your dad threw him in there.”

Gabriel stared. “I have no idea how to respond to that, Sam. Don't make excuses for him. He's a jerk.”

“It doesn’t matter. What’s important right now is that you try not to be so hard on yourself. You admire humans for their ability to put up a fight, and - Gabriel - that’s exactly what you’re doing now. Here, let’s narrow it down: you had that dream. And now we’re alone together even though you’ve had good reason to be afraid of me. You could’ve let the fear keep going until it created a whole new barrier on its own.”

It was difficult for Gabriel to come up with a reply, or even to decide how he felt about this reasoning. His inclination was to resist it - to point out the flaws in Sam’s logic.

Knowing Sam, however, that would be ineffective.

“Here,” said Sam, and reached over to the nightstand and handed Gabriel the mug of cocoa. “I think it’s still pretty warm.”

Gabriel took a sip. “Yeah. Good stuff.” He glanced at the clock sitting beside Sam’s own cup. 4:37. “You should go back to bed.”

“Had a feeling you were gonna say that. So should you. How about I stay in here?”

Gabriel assessed his gut response to this suggestion: no terror, no sense of hesitation, no visions of the Sam - of the not-Sam - from his nightmare.

“I wouldn’t mind that,” he muttered.

“You wouldn’t mind or you really want me to?”

“Think you said something a little ways back about how when you’re sick you need other people to help juggle things?”

“Oh.” Sam raised his eyebrows. “You actually heard me.”

“I listen,” Gabriel said, feigning indignation.

“All right, come on, you need to lie down.” Sam coaxed the comforter from Gabriel’s shoulders, and Gabriel lay back so that Sam could cover him with it. He closed his eyes and only just then realized that his head ached from exhaustion.

“Sam,” he mumbled, “Don’t sleep on the floor. That’s stupid.”

“No, it’s fine. It’s better. You need time to put the nightmare behind you.”

Gabriel didn’t open his eyes. “You’re getting old, Sammy. Your back is gonna give out.”

After a moment’s hesitation, Sam replied: “All right.”

Contrary to his reluctance, he collapsed into bed, evidently as drained as Gabriel was.

It was the warmth of Sam’s body that jolted Gabriel back to wakefulness.

Silence is different when you have someone lying next to you. This silence had a strange flavor, one of shelter and something like hope.

While Sam wasn’t looking, Gabriel let himself crack open just a little, and allowed tears to slip across the bridge of his nose and onto the pillow.

Perhaps it was the tension of Gabriel’s figure which alerted Sam that something was wrong. He sat up. “Are you okay?”

Sam had seen worse. Sam had seen everything.

When Gabriel rolled over to look up at him, Sam appeared appeared more dismayed than surprised. “Should I leave?”

Gabriel shook his head.

“Then what’s wrong?”

Gabriel tried to swallow and found he couldn’t. “It, uh - it hurts.”

“What hurts?”

His throat. His chest. His stomach. His head. All from choking it down, from clawing at what little pride he had left. “It just hurts.”

Sam searched his face. “I know it does. But you’re safe. You’re with us - with me.”

You can have this every day if you want.

“Okay” was all Gabriel managed.

Sam pulled him into a tentative embrace. Gabriel latched on, breaking free of the constraints he’d wound around himself, terrified by the prospect of Sam letting go.

“I know it’s too much right now,” Sam murmured.

“I didn’t mean to,” Gabriel sobbed. “I didn’t mean to think you’d hurt me; it was wrong, it was cruel - ”

“It’s not a big deal.”

“Yes, Sam, it is a big deal! You care and that’s what terrifies me!”

Sam tightened his grip. “I’d kind of figured that out for myself.”

It was revolting, Gabriel thought as he felt his last fragments of control slipping away, how Asmodeus had left him with so little of himself. He kept his face hidden, ashamed of the way his memories and emotions drowned him over and over, making him into nothing, rescripting his character into one of weakness and failure.

Perhaps Sam was correct: angels and humans were more alike than not. But Gabriel had been powerful and independent in a way that none of humankind ever could be, and now he had switched directions by surpassing its capacity for debasement.

“Try to relax,” Sam said, interrupting Gabriel's thoughts. “It’s all gonna be okay. Even if it isn’t now. Just rest up and pretend that it is.”

Too worn out to object, Gabriel attempted to lie still.

“Come on,” Sam said, “You need to sleep. I’m not going anywhere, all right?”

Gabriel wanted to ask, Why? But, inevitably, Sam would remain unfazed. It was annoying how committed he was to guiding Gabriel through these ugly moments.

There’s nothing you can’t do.

Gabriel closed his eyes.

Not when you’re with me.

#supernatural #spn #fanfiction #sam winchester #gabriel #gabriel/sam winchester #sabriel #platonic #friendship #post-asmodeus sabriel feels #hurt/comfort #angst #canon divergence #au #alternate universe #gabriel lives #hurt gabriel #sick gabriel #scared gabriel #ptsd #post-traumatic stress disorder #gabriel has ptsd #gabriel has issues #gabriel needs a hug #men of letters bunker #nightmares #dreams and nightmares #caring sam winchester #comforting sam winchester #protective sam winchester

[elizabethrobertajones]

Since Cas is supposed to be spending a lot of time with Jack next season and teaching him about life and stuff, and probably being really sad about Dean while he does it, do you think Jack might notice and bring up Cas and Dean's relationship? He certainly would have no reason to avoid the topic like Sam or anyone else would. If they're really serious about focusing more on interpersonal relationships then I really don't see how they can avoid talking about Dean and Cas.

The tone of your question is making me weirdly feel like we’re verging somewhere between reality show and scripted drama, where the characters are almost out of control of the writers and all the drama is bubbling under the surface, ready to spill out at any moment :P 

Like, from a writing perspective, I feel that they just do not approach it as if Dean and Cas are literally real and in love in the same way that to fans who only get the finished content, it can come across… There’s a much more mechanical approach to actually writing scenes than feeling like there is any inevitability. It depends entirely on what Dabb and/or the writer of the scene/episode wants to convey on a wider thematic level and on the closer personal level. If they wanted to emphasise that both Cas and Jack are missing Dean and Jack asks Cas about Dean, then it’s 100% in their control to script Jack’s innocence and Cas’s care with responding, based on circumstances, location, current mood, other things that happen this episode, and wider season-long factors, to be as cagey as he likes. 

If Cas and Jack were having that throwing the ball back and forth moment I was dreaming of this morning, it could be cute and wholesome, and Cas regretfully says that they’re doing this because it’s the kind of human thing Dean would suggest, and Jack makes a sad inquiry about how Dean helped Cas become more human and learn to do human things, and Cas, aware that Jack is struggling to be human, answers from the POV of his own slide towards humanity that Dean’s caused, and talks about how Dean has lead him down that path with fondness and pain, and ends with assuring Jack he’s doing really well compared to Cas’s own attempt, and we just charged through a ton of serious Destiel territory without touching the sides. 

Maybe Jack gets hurt on a fight that they get into in the sharp end of the dramatic search for Dean, and Cas has to heal him and laments his dumb humans always getting hurt and now Jack is one of them, but then prompted or not, starts talking about how strong Dean is regardless, and it lapses into a quiet moment of them agreeing they’ll save Dean and he’ll be okay, and again, Cas says some deep shit about Dean but it’s not romantic in the surface text, it’s prompted by his sense of protectiveness of Dean and Jack, and that linking factor is just the conversation starter. 

Or Jack does some gross thing and then blames Dean, like spitting food like Dean did in front of him in 13x04 and Cas tells him off and Jack says Dean does it, defensively, and Cas gets all roll-eyes-fond-smile, and says that Dean is the best and worst teacher of humanity, and they get into the subject that way… You know, that would be a comic beats, quick answer, joke about Dean to break the tension moment and wouldn’t really get deep at all except for the implied massive fondness they both have for Dean. 

Or Jack and Cas are having a quiet moment maybe driving somewhere or stopped at the side of the road and Jack asks Cas to tell him more about Dean because he seems to know him so well but they would be fully in the right to make the question innocent and to have Cas respond carefully like for a kid who doesn’t need to know all his angst, and Jack might see how Cas is handling it all but he will remember Sam and Dean acting so differently about losing Cas when he was newborn that he can only really at the most probing to maintain his innocence ask Cas about how he is feeling about Dean compared to how Sam and Mary are handling it. And as messed up as Cas might be he’s not under an obligation to tell Jack that he’s pining for Dean romantically, and their shared connection to Dean is a family one, not the extra romantic stuff that only Cas has, so talking about that is what can result in any probing directly from Jack in a calm moment if they don’t want to force a confession, which would be the writers’ hand, not Jack or Cas making it happen.

You know, those ideas just as an example of many ways of how to think about the themes and character stuff going on about how a scene is structured and why you would write it. As Jack spent so much more time with Dean than he did with Cas, and ditto Cas has of course more knowledge of Dean, AND that freakin attention hog drama llama is off being possessed by Michael and the main mytharc for them as a result, there’s so many reasons for Jack and Cas to discuss Dean or find him the common thread in a scene that will help them connect. 

But there’s no actual imperative on the writing or with the characters that will FORCE them to talk about Cas’s feelings because as much as they’re so strongly implied the text is sagging and tearing and creaking around the weight of it all, the writers are using romance TROPES but they are NOT writing a romance NARRATIVE. Like, romantic things happen all the time between Dean and Cas, but of course the actual story is action/horror/drama and all of those tropes have the bigger storytelling weight. The overlap is enough you can see the ups and downs of the story as basically any narrative - it’s like horoscopes in that sense - and you need to take common sense clues on the writing to know what is actually being told. 

The jokes we make that the writers keep Dean n Cas separate or whatever because they’ll just start making out are funny and true in some ways for us as the audience, our expectations and desires if we had full control of the story, especially when reading the emotional weight of their personal narrative. Like, we can identify SO MANY “just kiss him you fool!” moments in the story, obviously none of which were actually kisses despite being the opportune moment.

In the wider picture, the story is never constructed around telling itself just about Dean n Cas and making the beats of their relationship the MAIN reason anything is happening, as in, this story is first and foremost about the hunter pining for the angel and everything has been constructed to be about that from the start. It can inform major events and stuff, but it still isn’t WHY they are writing the story. I know it’s common discourse to be like NOTHING MAKES SENSE WITHOUT DESTIEL but in truth you can ALWAYS see the real line the writers mean to take and while I don’t think the Destiel is accidental, I also don’t think it’s a primary motivator to the plot or characterisation.

This is also NOT a wild hot take for a Destiel shipper or meta writer, it’s being clear about what the show’s intent actually is, and trying to understand where the Destiel reading comes from. Like, in no ways am I saying Destiel isn’t real, a solid part of the narrative and acting, and knowingly written into scenes and story arcs and that there’s always a romantic flavour to Dean n Cas stuff that lacks elsewhere. Of course there’s all this subtext to float a massive ship on. But the luxury of this sort of subtextual romantic story is that the main arc between the characters can have plausible deniability and that in no way for where the writers are working from, does that force them to make choices which they aren’t extremely knowingly doing when it comes to the give and take of making scenes read one way or another. 

Like, the entire point is, no previous season has been written as if the actual pitch was canon Destiel at the highest level, because if it had been, we’d have canon Destiel right now, I can say from the luxury of a hiatus where all previous seasons are laid out before us very firmly not having canon Destiel. 13x01-6 was written to be about Dean and Cas in a way that has not ever really been so overt that the emotional arc Dean feels about Cas is the controlling interest but at the end of the day it did not go canon in that time and we moved onto the next story arc. Which is nice we GOT a story arc so much about how they feel but it was still just teasing and subtext and all.

And I am seriously, seriously, not saying this from a place of negativity, bitterness, or whatever else. It’s not a criticism!!! it’s just stating how the fact of the story is. The narrative about Destiel has got so wildly derailed by attention grabbing hype I’ve been clutching my face and wailing at recently about how the end of last season was their big moment to make it canon or they’d have irredeemably fucked up, and blah blah everything seemed to be going that way... No! It wasn’t! The story is not beholden to Destiel! It’s CLEARLY not except for 13x01-6 and that was a contained arc and honestly I still haven’t processed what it means in a bigger picture except that I have no bitterness and all the chill for now.

But the writers’ room is just plodding along through seasons and plotlines and all the different character arcs, and all their MotW and episode pitches and ridiculous ideas and they’re using Destiel as a known emotional tool we respond to and they also clearly like, while at the same time all their focus on plot stuff can very clearly be nothing to do with Destiel and in no particular hurry to do anything about it. 

I need this to be really really clear because I spent last season yelling into the void it felt like, repeatedly warning about fandom hype, expectations, and so on, and a bunch of people still got all revved up then really confused and disappointed and upset that the whole thing hadn’t been a massive Destiel whatever, and that instead the episode had been about *gasp* Sam and Jack and Lucifer??? (And also Michael!Dean with no build up and out of the blue because we hadn’t been warned since 12x12 it was happening, because the only thing that happened in 12x12 was Destiel flirting and confessions and sometimes if you were looking closely Mary being an evil hag :P) 

So this year I’m going full grump about fandom narratives, expectations, predictions, told-you-sos and so on. At least on my blog, if you come chat to me sounding like the narrative is locked in stone and Dean n Cas are so real they’re breaking the bounds of reality to force the writers to write them being gay together, I’ve just been in fandom too long at this point not to feel like I’ve seen it all before and the only predictions I make are about the fandom meltdowns and what do you know, of THAT I have 100% clarity >.> 

PLEASE be critical of what you read; things that might be jokes are hyperbole and things that might be are serious are usually filled with disclaimers and attention to how the reader might react, such as reminders of anyone’s ability to predict canon, and so on. If I’m going around making unfounded statements about Sam ripping the sleeves off his shirts, I’ve seen a BTS pic with a sensible explanation for why we’re not seeing this on screen but it’s a hilarious detail to know when he wears a jacket indoors... But I’m going to PRETEND Sam has flipped and torn the sleeves off all his shirts until canon proves me wrong, because I know it will so I can dick around making jokes about it because no one gets hurt when it doesn’t happen. When someone is making gargantuan claims about canon, Destiel, intent etc, even if you think they’re so much smarter than you (we’re all just faking it, truly. You’re good :P) don’t take anyone’s word as gospel. Understand that meta has no secret access or understanding, there’s no certainty in what we say or do. 

i mean I am flat out being hesitant to talk about things which others think are firm spoilers because I just do not think they’re at the point where we know anything about them to say anything. What is the tone, the context, the, you know, full episode surrounding it? I don’t really care about spoilers because they never mean anything, it’s just a weird collecting hobby we do on the internet, and belatedly offer interesting context but before we see the episode are just infuriating and misleading and can only ever be. Full spoiler CLIPS of episodes can be infuriating and misleading, if it’s of an early scene that is pretending to be something else before we get to the real tone/plot/reason for the episode. There’s no validation or proof from spoilers, only glimpses and PR and no storytelling context to explain why it looks the way it does. 

The spoilers from SDCC were all utterly banal, empty, predictable answers that tell us nothing of any use or relevance because they’re not going to tell us anything actually interesting or useful because if they were, Dabb would start narrating his full meaning of a chunk of episode. At best we can use the common themes of the answers they gave as our starting points for interrogating the text, like I did above with my hypothesis for Cas and Jack conversations, about Jack feeling human without his powers, and we know they’re spending more time together and they’re looking for Dean. So we can construct ideas but they can go anywhere the imagination takes us... Which is, of course, not where the season is going unless we happen to roll some really lucky speculation dice. Which means, again, the spoilers are only actually relevant/matter WHEN WE HAVE THE ACTUAL EPISODES.

Speculation is ridiculous and I am more and more annoyed by it the longer I’m in fandom, because it ends up with everyone seeming to want to  know the story in advance. There’s a media industry in guessing, selectively spoiling, and basically just over-analysing things only to try and work out what happens next. People on the internet being able to guess all the plot twists and secrets because tropes work in certain ways and there are inevitable conclusions sometimes, or legit detectiveing the resolution to a final book or episode or whatever, are missing the entire point, in their need to KNOW what happens next, that it’s only watching it which is actually fun. And if people struggle watching something without knowing what happens, then wait a day and spoil yourself on the real facts and then watch... Blargh. 

Wanting to know the raw beats of the story and all the things that happen, usually just to look smart and like you beat the system of the mystery of storytelling, is not what we should be doing as a fandom. We should be ENJOYING ourselves in the fictional space, not stressing over what will or won’t happen. Or feeling like the story now HAS to happen one way or another.

No. It doesn’t. It never does. It can act like it does right up until the last minute and we can hope that it goes where it seems to be indicating and talk about storytelling integrity ahead of any rug pull or whatever, but the writers themselves, the people crafting the story, are under NO pressure from the characters, story, plot... not to do whatever they want with it.

Like... idk, I just feel like fandom has got so full of hyperbole that we’ve got to the point where people aren’t reading it as hyperbole any more and are legit operating on a level where demands and interpretation are on this completely wild place where everything’s just Destiel holding the writers hostage and screaming and there’s full agendas and No Homo Interns galore and I really can not tell at this point, if I whipped up the No Homo Intern from scratch now instead of 3 years ago, if people would BELIEVE it because things got so wild at the end of last season, when it came to how people were treating the text as a living, almost violent thing. 

Destiel is ever-present in our lives, yes. It is NOT the writers’ top priority in a scene and they’re under no obligation to make it so despite what would be in the best interests of the show and story, and scenes written without it overtly present are not going to be bad, negligent, stupid, poorly-written, confused, forced at gunpoint by the No Homo Intern, or all written by Buckleming. It is very very possible that the show continues to be written entirely as it has been almost the entire time - which is to say, with Destiel subtextual, and not on the top priority of the agenda in every writers’ mind in every scene, up to and including when Dean and Cas interact or one of them talks about the other. 

It’s just one of those things like the social contract which I tend to assume we’re all operating on until things have gone way too far and I realise I am the only one who read the terms and conditions and also someone just got stabbed??

#Asks #destiel #riverboat gambling #fandom problems #wank for ts #like... I know comments like this ask are common jokes #but seriously #I would rather let you down and write this instead of a funny ask #than fuck up and write a funny ask about that comment and leave someone truly believing what they just wrote >.>

[minttearoom]

Nick Spencer’s Captain America is Bad, but in these ways

OK  ... I made this blog so I could dump my bad opinions on it, so call me out on this if anyone needs to.

-- This isn’t something I care about too much, but I feel like I need to start off by saying that Hydra doesn’t and shouldn’t always have a 1:1 equivalent with Nazis or the political specifics of fascism. In their first appearance, they were a generic mustache-twirling, world-domineering evil enterprise. Although that’s changed because Nazi leaders were retconned in to match the WWII backgrounds of Marvel’s heroes, it’s always been story-dependent as to whether that element really mattered. Sometimes, Madame Hydra trying to take over the world was just Madame Hydra trying to take over the world so that superheroes could have fistfights. There’s a usefulness to a generic SPECTRE-type evil organization for when comics that need a villain to punch. Although it’s important for stories and readers to criticize what that evil entails, there’s a messiness that’s involved when it comes to shared universes and different tools serving different functions in different contexts. This is an issue that mostly irks me when it comes to how the conversations about Captain America are framed, and how they’re framed solely in terms of Hydra, when there’s a little more going on there; this was especially bad after Captain America: Steve Rogers #1 came out.  *HOWEVER, this is kind of irrelevant to the rest of what I want to talk about.*

-- I’m not sure if a story about an altered-reality Captain America being evil, or even being a Nazi is off-limits. I’m not a Jonathan Chait “protect malevolent free speech” type, but I do think that you might be able to tell a somewhat meaningful (and possibly respectful) story under these conditions. I understand that WWII is highly sensitive and emotional, and I also understand the situation surrounding Captain America’s creation. However, it’s not like similar stories (or story beats) haven’t been done before -- even one drawn by Jack Kirby. I hate Nick Spencer’s Captain America for a variety of reasons, but part of the reason why is that I think you might actually be able to publish a story like this, even (or especially) in these times, and have it be salient and productive and well thought-out.

-- The problem with Nick Spencer’s Captain America goes back to the beginning of his run. From the beginning, he set out to do a run that broached extremely topical political issues, but keep his comics from making too strong of a stance in any given direction, while insisting that it did have a stance. For example: since the KOBIK/Cosmic Cube plotline, he’s been paying lip service to the idea that there needs to be a discussion about the growth of the security state and what it means to create unimaginable and invasive authority and power when you don’t know who will be in control next. ... Except whenever someone does have anything to say about it,it’s usually only a couple words, or a weak sketch of their stance. You might think this is fine, as long as the conflicts that Spencer brings up are carried through the plot to create meaning. After all, you don’t want to buy comics just to see talking heads debate politics. However, this doesn’t carry through for a few reasons!

-- The first way, most commonly seen in Sam Wilson, is that he’ll bring in some way for the critical/left-leaning position to be criticized. Though this is mostly like to preserve some sort of apolitical company line, it ultimately amounts to centrism, which is a political stance in and of itself, defined by the extremes of political climate in which you’re speaking. You see it first with Rick Jones -- he was a whistleblower hacktivist in the early issues of Captain America: Sam Wilson. The characters in Spencer’s book seem sympathetic to him when he gets caught, but Rick did BREAK THE LAW :( so his rightful course of action is to join SHIELD to help the security state keep on doing everything he despised! 

Then came the infamous issue where a Tomi Lahren-type character was inciting hate against a specific undocumented teen -- the new Falcon, Joaquin Torres. Joaquin, understandably, was about to go give her a piece of his mind, but he gets derailed by the appearance of a group of teens who obviously serve as an in-universe warning of the dangers of what he was about to do. These teens, the new Bombshells, not only spouts awkward online academia-derived lingo about safe spaces and trigger warnings but they also advocate violence against racists! They come and fight Falcon and Rage as if to, say “Look out! Don’t become like them!” 

You see it when Sam goes to stop Rage from getting in a confrontation with the AmeriCops (Spencer’s convenient robotic representations of racist police brutality). There’s no real strong reason for Rage to have not gotten into a confrontation, as the AmeriCops were ridiculously over-the-cop brutal and terrible, except for concerns about optics and (this is a recurring theme which obviously clashes with some of the issues Spencer wants to bring up) respect for authority.

You also see it when the only true far-left voice in the entire run, Flag Smasher, is the only the only one to fully articulate his issues with corporate influence over politics, the security state, and the no-fly list, and ends up being not only a violent terrorist assassin, but also (amazingly) a plant by Steve Rogers. I can’t begin to say how ridiculous that was.

-- The other way that Spencer undermines the political claims in his run is in how the villains are made overly sympathetic. So much of Captain America: Steve Rogers is about the ideological purity and clarity in Steve’s heart. He is destined to lead Hydra because he is still a great man in the way that Dr. Erskine recognized. (This bears out in the most disgusting of ways in the FCBD issue of Secret Empire, where Steve is still worthy to lift Mjolnir.) 

Steve is part of a faction of Hydra lead by some horrorterror old god/sweet old lady named Elisa who becomes Steve’s doting mother figure. She gets in close with his mother, and then dotes on Steve day and night about how he’s good and pure and destined for greatness -- and there isn’t much to undercut this as fascist BS. Elisa goes on and on, essentially dogwhistling what might as well be soliloquy about Steve’s Aryan purity and good heart, yet she never really gets a strong villain moment to underscore the idea that what she’s saying is wrong. The one truly evil thing she she was supposed to have (kill his mother offpanel) apparently never happened! She appears unharmed in later issues of CA: Steve Rogers.

-- This links into the other major problem in Spencer’s run: his depiction of Hydra. From the get-go, he plays up Hydra as not only a fascist neo-nazi organization, but specifically one that parallels modern ethnonationalist movements, all being propagated by the Red Skull. He further links Hydra to literal European nationalist militant movements by having Hydra take over Sokovia (#moviesynergy). Linking back to what I talked about at the beginning, this is all fine, so far; Spencer is making the specific choice in this story to use Hydra as an analogy for Nazism and its connection to the modern day, and this is a story that is obviously just as much about the Red Skull. EXCEPT, over the course of Spencer’s flashbacks to Steve’s altered past, we see that Steve is a member of a faction of Hydra that has always opposed not just the Red Skull, but Hydra joining the Nazis in general!

-- It’s an insanely weird choice to decode: does Spencer want to tell a story about Steve Rogers being allied with the Nazis ... or not? He certainly shows him helping the Nazis in WWII. What’s the point of saying he was secretly opposed to them and the Red Skull this whole time? What is he trying to do with Hydra?

-- For that matter, how much less fascist is Steve supposed to be? He rails out against Red Skull’s cheap inflammatory tactics, yet by the time his Secret Empire is set up, he’s already created an authoritarian state that rounds up Inhumans and puts them into camps! CAMPS!

-- There’s a lot of other, little, infinitely frustrating things. The FCBD issue explained that Wanda joining the HYDRA-vengers probably wasn’t of her own will, but having the Romani girl on the Nazi team is still unsettling, especially if they don’t end up giving her any space to react to it. Spencer’s writing is way lacking in nuance -- whereas Ales Kot gave a thoughtful look at the paranoia that must feed the drive to do crazier and crazier things in the name of security when he wrote Maria Hill in Secret Avengers, Spencer’s Maria Hill shrugs off each evil thing she does in the name of the state with a joke and a condescending comment. Spencer sucks at writing spies and spy stuff in general (there’s no reason he should have gotten two tries at Secret Avengers!), so seeing him try to handle SHIELD in general in the context of this run has been annoying. Also, ... why can Steve lift Mjolnir WHEN HE JUST HELPED KILL BUCKY, jfc.

-- Again, this is partially upsetting because some parts of this aren’t terrible. Sam Wilson is the most effortlessly diverse Captain America book ever, with somewhat decent stories about things like police brutality and immigration when they aren’t being undercut by other elements Spencer sticks in to ~balance things out. Seeing the Champions fight HYDRA in Secret Empire is also pretty unobjectionable. It’s the context and the handling that’s made this all atrocious -- even the publicity of blowing this Nazism thing up to a huge event is pretty dubious.