#and ive tried so hard to fix things and im working on my mental health my school work and keeping up with everyone amd asking if they're ok

[ankhisms]

auoughhghhhhhh was going to turn this into my diary comic but its like too much words and messy emotions to really make a comic that would be readable yknow. anyway

i know ive mentioned it before but god my parents really are just always in crisis mode and are going from one crisis to the next and i suppose part of that is just how it is when u dont have money and are barely scraping by with shit but its also so exhausting that they make every little thing out to be the end of the world while also paradoxically acting like everything is totally normal and fine and theres nothing wrong with either of them as far as mental health goes and if i express any kind of emotion that isnt fawning or numbness or accepting being pushed into my parentialization role then they get so mad and im forced to apologize for having emotions. i was thinking about how when a blow up happens with them ive been trained to have my knee jerk response be how can i fix this i have to fix things i have to do everything for my parents even if that means hurting or neglecting myself in the process. and i think ive become more aware of that and especially today i tried to step back and not go back into that pattern and pushed back against it and my father definitely could tell i wasnt immediately accepting the role theyve given me of having to fix everything or be the emotional buffer that they can just throw all their shit at and he was mad and annoyed that i wasnt just numbly allowing it. im okay but its also just very exhausting to constantly deal with it. its no wonder that i have such a hard time understanding and expressing my emotions and have such a huge issue with allowing myself to want anything at all when im punished my whole life for going against what is expected/wanted of me. i really want to work on figuring out how to build a better sense of self and be able to allow myself to want things and to stop doubting myself so much but its hard to know where to begin with that. i think id like to seek therapy again sometime in the future but id have to be very careful and picky about it due to my past abuse in the psych system. for now i certainly dont have the money for therapy unfortunately but i so desperately want to get better. in between my bouts of extreme suicidal ideation i feel like im desperately clawing my way out of a bottomless pit towards a light. all that to say im fine but tired thanks if u read this

[kanside]

life update (3/31/2023)

(holy shit i put 2022 i forgot it was 2023?? whats next? 2024?? so weird)

my physical health is taking a severe plummet (i joke that its in reaction to my mental health doing better).

my sleep schedule has flipped completely from 11pm-9am to 2am-12pm. this is a severely unhealthy shift. doctors say my epilepsy took sleep into factor the most and although i doubt this (my belief is that it was psychosomatic / in response to traumatic situations) i am aware that my sleep plays a HEAVY factor in my physical and mental health as a whole. i am still getting the same amount of hours but i am emotionally imbalanced as well as physically drained because the fucked up sleep schedule is affecting my eating habits. i have been very sick, weak, and generally feeling shitty. on top of that my appetite is affected by how many medications i take during the day. note on the sleep schedule. the reason i want to sleep at 11 pm exactly instead of earlier or later [ex. 9, 10, or 12] is because good sleep is based off of the cycle in which you wake, not the amount of hours slept. my sleep/dream cycle seems to last around 10 hours. this makes me think 11 pm is the best time to sleep, and 9 am is the earliest i must wake up. these times can be adjusted based off of new observations and schedules.

in retaliation to these (imo) severe health issues i have set some general goals and are listing them here to 1. remind myself of them and 2. let everyone know that i am still on the path to recovery and regularly working to improve myself above all else. the goals and ideas are as follows:

- unfortunately gained a dependency on my mom to wake me up in the morning again. frustratingly no matter how many alarms are set, no matter how loud, or even no matter how my mom comes in to gently wake me up, i will not get out of bed. i feel guilty for being dependent on her but have asked her to, when available, wake me up at 9 am by disrupting my sleep state with tasks that piss me off or jolt me suddenly: shaking me by the shoulders, turning my light on (it attracts bugs, i dont like it), leaving my door wide open (i have conditioned myself to think that door closed = sleep time, door open = wake time), etc. this will hopefully keep me from sleeping until noon and exhaust me enough to sleep by 11.

- on top of that ive tried adapting to pain and discomfort associated with eating food at abnormal times. instead of eating breakfast when ive woken up, ive been trying to force myself to eat appropriate meals at appropriate times. today was very hard, i had my favorite sandwhich when i woke up because it was noon. it seriously hurt because my body refused to take in any food (probably because i dont like eating immediately after waking or taking medicine) however i could feel pain due to hunger and knew i needed to eat. this sounds little but it was very hard. hopefully this appetite issue can be forced through and handled better as i fix my sleep. ive also asked my mom to buy some apples (granny smith which i eat in slices, and honey crisp which i eat in whole) because oddly enough the only thing my body wants to eat in the morning is those exact textures and consistencies. she’s going shopping soon so!!! yippee!!!!

- i recently tried to apply to a job. i have recognized this is an impulsive decision and i am not ready to take one on. i gave them my name and number and they said they’d call me, but i’m likely to apologize and decline. we’ll see, i just needed money really. commissions are still open and right now although my goal is health, my secondary goal is gaining traction online to balance hobby, health, and gaining money. im nearly finished with my MAP part and im eager to see the sort of response it gets and establish myself online again

- once i establish a better sleep and eating schedule, ill finally hopefully be able to go to a doctors appt. and request lowering the dosage of my epilepsy medication. it’s very hard taking over a dozen pills day and night for a disorder that hasnt shown itself in over 2 years. i only stayed on the meds this long because there was anxiety over transition. im very eager to not be as dependent on medication, and only take medication alongside proper therapy (which i will hopefully receive) for mental health and productivity reasons alone.

tldr

this is a life update of sorts to describe where im at and give you an idea of my availability and energy levels. i am feeling very sick. my sleep and eating schedule is fucked up. i am currently putting much of my focus into personal hobbies, relaxing tasks (watching shows, playing games), self care, chores, and fixing some health issues with myself. i was very eager to be more productive and social, and im sorry if i cant be all the time! soon i will have plenty of time and energy to share with yall.

love you guys :] im gonna go watch anime or something

[nonesensegibberish]

I am very privileged   I feel like I had it a lot rougher back in school. Bullies and lack of meaningful social groups probably stunted me in some pretty big ways. But I made it through. And now. Well. While pretty much any real world friendships drifted away after I got out of school, I’ve managed to cultivate a good few groups and people online that I feel help me a lot. I am very fortunate to still have people I can confide in and enjoy the company of. Humans are social creatures, and im sure i could have turnt out much worse without that, even if some of those groups probably negatively affected me in other ways.  I am very, very fortunate to be devoid of real pressure in my life. Once my mental health hit the big declines, I have been very lucky for the kindness Ive been given to not be pushed into going back to work. Ive tried on a few occasions, but struggled each time. And I think, sometimes, that being allowed to focus on just trying to fix myself one day at a time, rather than having to worry about finances, has been a huge boon. I want to do better. I want to have the acting turn into a legitimate thing I can use to support myself or others. I want to do what I can to help things run smoothy at my house and assist the others there. But I keep failing at every turn. I lack any and all willpower needed to consistently be of use to people.  I think that has dragged me down even further. That idea that I am only being a drain and wasting those precious gifts- that they would be better served in the hands of almost anyone else. It makes me feel like a monster.  But. Its not like I can trade lives with someone else. And no amount of therapy or struggling has fixed my inability to persevere.  So. For now I just try my best to focus on my physical and mental health. Raise my confidence. Climb out of despair. Exercise. Create one healthy routine at a time. And just hope that it will get easier the more steps I take.  I dont want to be this way. It makes me feel terrible to be a leech on others. And if I dont have the courage or ability to take the final leap, so to speak, then all I can do it do what I can to try and change who I am into someone better.  I dont want all of this to be depressed ranting. I dont know. I try to impart some bit of hope into it all. I do think it is possible I get out the other end of this. It just feel very hard. Especially with how I cant help feeling the world around me is getting worse and more dangerous for people like me. 

[anapologethicc]

:/

#i'm just so tired and upset like i don't even have the energy to be angry at this point #it's not the first time and it won't be the last i know this but it's just still just so upsetting #why am i always the only one more invested in relationships whatever they may be. I'm always more invested and i always get hurt #and i never fucking learn that there's no point in trying to communicate and with some people becuz it's pointless #they will never care as much as you and I'll feel guilty for expecting shit becuz i keep getting the excuses of im busy or tired #and I'm exhausted and im still trying to maintain a friendship with every single one of them like a stupid ass hoping they'll reciprocate #and they never fucking do and everytime i bring it up and try to communicate and shit. IM ALWAYS THE ONE TO COMPROMISE every single time #and im so tired of being the only one openly talking abt and acknowledging that things are shit. everyone else is fucking silent #i then end up looking like the crazy person becuz im the only one obsessed with fixing my relationships whereas nobody else really cares #they say they care. they say they'll try and it works for like a fucking week and then its back to the same old shit. #and it's always me who gets hurt and 10 steps back in my mental health. and everyone else is just fine and dandy and FUCK #it's not fair becuz i'm not a bad person and i try my hardest to be there for everyone and I AM. and i know that im not perfect but i try #im always trying to be a better friend and a better person. i don't know what im doing wrong and why nobody will put in the effort for me. #and it's alwyas just with me that they decide they can try a little less. oh ananya will understand and she'll be fine but like don't #i deserve friends who'll put in the same amt of effort and will listen and change or am i just not worth it and have never been #(i swore to myself i woukd not go down that path of thinking but like) when ur friends work on all their friendships and just don't try #when it comes to you it makes you wonder where you're lacking as a person and as a friend. and that's so fking shitty man #and ive tried so hard to fix things and im working on my mental health my school work and keeping up with everyone amd asking if they're ok #i hate feeling this sad like there is just this heaviness on your chest that won't go away and then you can't even breathe #and i just want everything to be okay and to be enough for just one fucking time in my life #i feel like such a shitty person complaining becuz i feel like i sound so ungrateful for what i have cuz im scared that nobody would really #wanna be my friend if my actual friends of years aren't even trying anymore. hais whatever #it'll prolly pass and im prolly just being overdramatic like everyone says :/ #time to sleep ig #to delete #just saw and heard sign of the times on the dash #i will now be sobbing to sleep #night yalls💖 #wishing everyone a wonderful day/night and hope everyone is doing okay🥺💕

[awhkacey]

hey ill be 😵‍💫 anon or just use that emoji so i can identify myself through your asks. i was on subliminal amino for about 2 years, gained every negative assumption there is. joined law of assumption tumblr and tried to get rid of them for a bit then i was introduced to the void. as a kid, i was taught that i wasn’t good enough and basically every insult in the book. same followed with my pre-teen years except the boys i dated now told me that. my self concept was and still is horrible and unstable because of that. i think i have borderline personality disorder, but i haven’t been diagnosed, so i don’t want to self diagnose. but because of my horrible self concept, i am unable to manifest as fast as i want to. that’s why i tried so hard for the void for months and still haven’t gotten in SO im trying for self concept again. i know everything about manifesting because i basically overconsumed before the void. “set an intention, drop the old story, persist and have a good self concept.” i know saying i have a bad self concept and saying i can’t get into the void is victim mentality and just further bringing it into my 3D but i genuinely don’t know what to do. i know i need to work on my self concept THEN get into the void. but persisting in my self concept especially with a horrible mental health is harder than it seems. i don’t have the mental energy to start journaling and trying to fix my mental health. and i know self concept doesn’t = self love, but it’s very hard when you’ve been accustomed to hate yourself. if i go about just going for self concept, i usually end up failing to persist in it. everything is mentally exhausting to me. you could say just stay in the knowing, then i freak out and feel like im not doing enough and obsessing negatively about my desire. affirm and visualize, then i get obsessed with the exact affirmations and how they are supposed to be worded and how perfect and detailed the scene im visualizing is. lullaby method, same thing. void method, you already know how that went. im too mentally exhausted to journal and i just want someone to tell me what to do so i can actually fix my self concept and get into the void. not feel like my self concept has been good for two seconds and then end up spiralling for months. if you can’t tell already, i actually want change and it feels like ive tried everything and asked everyone 😭 im just tired of this cycle ive been in for three years. everything just feels so contradictory, “assumptions manifest NO feelings manifest NO thoughts manifest NO intentions manifest.” help 😭😭😭

ooo my first emoji anon<3 hellos.

it’s okay, bby. just breathe for a sec and remind yourself everything will be okay.

i know it can be hard sometimes trying to live in the end when you’re so mentally exhausted so just take a few days to yourself to get your mental health up. Do things that make you happy. And things that make you feel powerful. That could be a bad bitch playlist on spotify or a film that makes you feel like a girlboss.

Then when you’re a ready i want you to start with a few self concept affirmations to repeat whenever. Whenever you feel doubtful repeat your affirmations. You don’t have to mentally exhaust yourself with 15263 affirmations. It can be three or just one if you like. Here’s some i think would be great for you:

- i have a perfect self concept

- i find it easy to live in the end

- my mental health gets better and better everyday

- i get my manifestations instantly because i say so

Also, you don’t need to journal. what i used to do is record myself while answering journal prompts.

And when you’re ready try living as if. instead of saying how you didn’t get in the void, rant how fast you shifted and got your desires. Right your success stories in your notes app because in no time they will be actual success story. You are literally god. You can do anything you want and you can have anything you want.

And lastly, whenever someone says something horrible to you, i want you to contradict them with your thoughts. Same goes if you think those negative beliefs yourself. i want you to think “i don’t know what they’re are talking about im worthy, beautiful, and magnificent” even pretend they said the opposite. “dp just said im priceless, i mean they’re right, i am pretty rare”

hope that help, bbg

#ask #law of assumption

[fairycosmos]

lmao im actually so desperate to die im considering swallowing two peach pits just to see if i will choke to death because nothing else ive tried has worked so far . you know what my life doesnt fucking matter ill do it. with my luck it wont work i feel im being punished and thats why i cant die. ill do it. if i dont get back to you something happened but i doubt it. im tired like you said i deserve peace. we do. bye maybe i hope this works this is pathetic but im desperate to die

hey, i'm really sorry to hear you're feeling this way. it seems like you're totally overwhelmed right now and i completely understand how debilitating that can be. i know there's nothing i can do or say that will really change how awful it feels, and you're probably not in the headspace to read all this. but if you ever want to come back to it, it'll be here. maybe you could try some of these grounding exercises, here / here and here beforehand to get you in a place where you can focus a little. it's alright, there's no rush or pressure. i just wanted to say first of all that this is not pathetic in the slightest. sometimes the world gets on top of you and you go througn so much trauma and hurt that it really does feel like giving up is the only option. people can only take so much, and i get it. that's the trick of the suicidal brain though, i think. it uses life's suffering and your own past experiences to convince you that it is always going to be this way. to romanticize death and make it into something it isn't in your head. it is actually very hard to die, as i'm sure you know. and it's not the peaceful option or escape you're looking for, either. and the most paramount thing i want to say is that your life 100% does matter. this was never up for debate. you were born with an inherent worth and it hasn't went away just because you can no longer see it. you honestly can't fathom how you've impacted peoples lives, directly and indirectly, and even just the world itself. you don't have to be anybody but who you are, i promise, the whole point is just having the human experience you're having. you're fulfilling your purpose by existing, no matter how hard it is at times. i think it's a good sign that you reached out to me, i honestly think it shows that you have a lot of self awareness regarding what's going on and that you're truly capable of asking for the help that you need. you're not in a place right now where you can trust your thoughts and feelings, so it's good to seek an objective perspective from somebody else. this state of mind is so transient, it's so intense that it's not built to last. i'm not trying to downplay how unbelievably hard to live with, of course, but it can be freeing to acknowledge that this is not all there is, no matter how difficult it is to endure currently. you deserve to be here and to exist in a way that heals you, no matter what your mind is telling you. there can be a variety of underlying causes for suicidal feelings, and obviously they're very serious issues that need real medical attention in order to begin to overcome. but with that and with time, it is totally possible to learn to live a full live along side all you've been through. even though right now i'm sure that's the lastthhing on earth you want to do.

are you currently working with a mental health professional of any sort? your doctor, a therapist, a support group, even a hotline? if not, i would really urge you to get in touch with them as soon as possible. and if you already are, let them know where your thoughts are at lately so they can focus on upping your level of care. if you're worried about money, there are cost-effective choics available, like finding a therapist who offers a sliding scale price, or looking into mental health resources within your community. i know your brain is probably screaming at you to do the opposite, but i promise any baby step in the right direction is going to pay off. the prospect of reaching out and being honest is a daunting one, and i'm only bringing it up as something to consider at the moment (or when you feel able to) so please don't write it off all together. you don't have to do anything right now, just know you have options. you honestly do. and talking to someone really is not as bad as your brain is probably building it up to be. just like with physical illness, mental illness can be confronted and treated. it's all about learning how to manage your unique mind, and even if it takes a lifetime, it is so possible to lessen the frequency of episodes like this. or to become more prepared for them so they feel less erratic when they do occur. discussing about what you've been through, pinpointing root causes of your suicidal thoughts, learnng how to implement healthy coping mechanisms into your daily routine, building a support system, finding the medication for you if needed - all of this is going to make a tangible difference. it is not going to fix everything, obviously, but it is going to lighten the weight and broaden your perspective on yourself and on living. you deserve to be supported without judgement and with genuine care, you deserve to be listened to. there are a lot of people, professionals or otherwise, even just strangers like me, who are willing to filling that role for you.

idk how it is for you and i won't pretend to, but sometimes suicidal people don't want to lose their lives, they just want to stop living the way they are. with so much chaos and unresolved pain and exhaustion. you don't have to hurt yourself in order to get there. i know when you're in this mindset, any even slightly positive piece of advice just feels impossible to believe. but even if you can't seriously take it on board at the moment, i hope when you're in a more grounded place, you can at least consider as an alternative to absolute hopelessness. you may as well, because you are alive and that is not always going to feel like a curse. it is so hard to believe it, i get that, but it is a fundamental truth. you are in an extremely difficult moment but that is not your whole existence. the future is ever changing, and you've already made it through the past, so the only thing that really matters is this moment. focus on what you need, not what you want, but what you need to do right now to truly self - prioritize. even if that feels like the last thing on earth you want do. if self destruction and self harm was gonna make you feel better, it would've by now. welcome the idea of trying something new, maybe just the notion of attempting to guide yourself through this with a bit of self-compassion. please, if you feel like you are an immediate danger to yourself, please exercise any sense of self preservation/ survival instinct and call the authorities, a hotline or a friend/family member right away. no matter what bullshit your brain is telling you, no matter how heavy your heart is right now . everything is always always always changing and things are going to change beyond recognition, it's the one thing you can count on. you deserve to stick around to see it all, and once you've made the decision to do so, you won't feel so stuck and conflicted anymore. i'm going to leave some links that i think might help a little in this moment, but like i said, please call someone if you feel you can't be alone right now. i'm rooting for u a lot and i really hope you are able do the right thing for yourself. if it's all too hard, focus on getting through the next hour. if that's too much, the next minute. and if that's too much, the next second. break it down into what you can handle and let yourself live. and then just go from there. sending you all my love.

list of hotlines

coping with depression

coping with suicidal thoughts

so you feel like shit?

template for creating a safety plan

#anon #tw suicide #talking #tw self harm

[brinytrolls]

leavin ftc, new blog

so uhhhh everyone probably saw this coming but im gonna say it out loud: im “”leaving the ftc””. im not doing fantrolls anymore, i dont think therell be any more troll art or asks or rps or anything from me.

i had the worst panic attack ive had since fuckin high school last night bc of stuff related to the ftc, and its been giving me horrific anxiety for a while. i’ve never had a panic attack over an online community i joined to have fun. 

i just can’t find the spark again, i’m so afraid of people in this community and what they’re saying about me despite me not knowing what i’ve done and it’s fucking draining. if youre one of the people whove spread shit abt me despite me asking whats wrong and trying to fix things, or downright not knowing what ive done wrong, congrats, i hope you have fun in the rest of your time here. i hope you got what you wanted, whatever that was. 

this place is a drag on my mental health and although i’ve tried for months but there’s no way i can ignore that. i’ve tried so hard, believe me

i’m sorry to the followers who sent me asks i never answered, or wanted to ship or rp with me, or anything else. i have really appreciated everything ive been sent and while it was fun, it was a lot of fun! i did honestly really enjoy the last couple of years<3 

on a brighter note, 

for those followers, i made a new blog for u to follow me as i redesign my ocs! 

im working on a gothic-ish monster world which will have all of my ocs from this blog! just, yknow, less grey. we’re still in early stages so come watch the process! :D

follow me over on at @hanghenfil​ !!!

if you wanted to add me on discord or ask for my twitter, anyones more than welcome to, also!

so uh, thanks ftc. it was great until it wasn’t, i guess. 

#text #fredspeak #edited this post bc its my pinned #to clarify some stuff

[nico-idc]

random vent because i'm numb rn and feel like it

This is a vent post, ill probably talk about su!cide, self h*rm, eating disorders and depression. I’ll also cuss a lot, and things will not be censored. Also, this may seem insensitive to people experiencing any of this, sorry about that.  Dont read this if youre triggered by that.

Also, this is my experience with mental health. Everyone deals with it differently. 

So, If anyone doesnt know, I have depression and anxiety. And right now, I’m feeling numb as it’s often described by people with depression. But, numb isn’t a very good description. I can still feel. I’ll still smile if you tell me a joke, or if something funny is on a video. I’ll still cry if there’s something super sad. Emotion is just watered down. I feel it, but not as much as I should. Me and my boyfriend were talking, and i couldnt tell him I loved him. It’s not becuase I dont love him, but I just cant feel much of anything, so I dont want to tell him I loved him. Becuase If i did that, I felt as though I was lying. The funniest thing is, I randomly started crying. Still felt nothing, but hey, I had tears streaming down my face. Who fucking knows why. 

I havent been doing to great for a while now, but this is the worst i’ve ever gotten. Ive never felt numb before. I mean, I’ve felt myself starting to go through the motions, but i’ve never gone completely numb before. And before this i’ve had a few mental breakdowns. Hell, I’ve sat in a corner twice in the past month or so doing nothing but sobbing and begging myself not to move so I dont grab something sharp and cut myself. (I did not relapse, don’t worry). and recently I completely broke down over simply eating a cereal bar, got through it, ate it. I’m good now. 

Figures. That does seem to be my experience. Oh no, big bad issue one time, then magically I just talk myself out of my bullshit, and im fixed. Ha ha, yet I act like I have all these issues. I mean, I didnt even attempt to starve myself, just thought “oh, friends and family wont let me” and didnt. Had a breakdown about a year later, been fine since. Cut for a few months, went to therapy for a few months, stopped cutting. had a few breakdowns about a year or two later, then was fine. was suicidal for a while, went to therapy for a bit, was happy for months. Had breakdowns every now and then, fine now.

ha ha, first time I say alot of this is online. Figures. I’ve done that a lot too. My boyfriend has found out a bit about my depression through this site. Becuase I cant talk to my boyfriend about my shit, but hey random people on the internet! hear about my problems.

So on another note, I recently found a song that describes part of depression pretty well. It’s called “i’m not dead” by boyinaband. it’s linked below, I’ll copy paste the lyrics, and explain how I relate, and what the lyrics mean to me, becuase why not? (lyrics will be in bold)

I'm not dead

I'm not fixed, but I'm not giving up yet

Basically, this means that im still here, im still depressed, but I’m still trying to fight depression. 

I'm sick of saying that I still don't have anything done

I hate telling friends I'm trying something just to give it up

I never commit to anything, I just say I’ll do something, then decide I dont want to.

I'm still unsure of my emotional state

I'm still incapable of focusing lately

I don't feel like creating

I'm tired of asking Google how to find motivation

I’ve been on break from writing for months now. tried to get back to it, lost concentration. I think this is self explanatory. 

I don't think I've ever made

Something that's as good as I'm capable of

Ha, I dont put in enough effort and commitment to make something as good as possible.

I hate not having a reason to look my best

I only ever take care of myself with the intent to show the internet

I mean, I dont try to show the internet, but I only take care of myself when other people will see me.

If what made me successful was an imposed sense of stress then

I am so so glad that I hated myself

The only thing that makes me do things is extreme stress.

I didn't luck into this position

I struggle with decisions

I mean, im not in any high position, but I do struggle with decisions. 

I wouldn't be my own friend

I'm too inconsistent

I’m inconsistent as hell. I’m in like 10 group chats, don't talk in any of them for months, then just show up like “hi, havent talked to you all in ages, but hi”. 

Without immense pressure nothing ever gets finished

If these words make it to your ears it'll be a fucking miracle.

Yep. I went on  whole rant about this on wattpad. Without pressure to do something, I don’t do it.

I'm fortunate to know more good people than most do

I wish I had more friends I could be physically close to

I dont personally have a lot of friends that dont live in my city, so the last line isnt an issue, but I do know a lot of good people”

I'm pretty good at like 20 different skill sets

At the expense of never being great at any one of them

I’m good at quite a few things. Drawing, math, even writing. But im not great at it. I’m average.

I wish this beat hit harder

I wish more syllables rhymed

I know 99 percent of people really don't mind

I dont personally relate to this, seeing as I dont make music.

I think collaborating forced me to finish things

'Cause I was terrified of wasting famous people's time

Oh yeah. Group projects would not get done if i wasnt scared of wasting my partner’s time.

I wish I could focus on what I define priority

I wish I was as grateful as I want to be

Dont really relate to these things

I wish I knew more people who were mentally stable

But if I did,

I wouldn't let them waste their time on me while I'm disabled

Oh yeah. Id love to have a friend who isnt depressed, but I wouldnt let them see that im fucked up becuase i dont wanna drag them down.

I feel alone

I know I'm not

I have a lot of friends, but I still fell alone in this world

I used to talk to lots of people.

Lately I've stopped

They didn't deserve it,

I've been a terrible friend.

But I couldn't bear to let myself become boring to them

I ignore group chats all the time. no reason. Probably shouldnt. 

I don't let myself get my hopes up.

I love people who do.

Something good happens? what could go wrong? that is my thought precess.

I never know if what I say I feel is the truth

I have no damn Idea what I think, so its so hard to know what the truth in my head is.

I wish I didn't instinctively try to be less specific

So more people could relate, when they read along with the lyrics.

Not lyrics, but if i write/explain something, I immediately generalize things so its relateable.

I can be happy in the moment

I am not when I reflect

I smile watching youtube, but then I look back and think about how I wasted time.

I distract myself with gaming, waiting to get better

I hate it

Youtube will cure depression right? /s

I wanna do the most good, and prevent the most hurt

But I've gotta put on my own oxygen mask first

This is just an important phrase I try to remember when I’m down. for people who dont do well with metaphors, he’s saying that if you want to help people, you need to help yourself first. 

I can't predict what I'll do.

I can never be sure

I am terrified of making promises any more

I can't face my work,

I feel sick from the word

I genuinely believe I'm capable of changing the world

Don’t relate much here, except for the more positive, upbeat tone the song takes on, and i feel that this part, the part above and everything below is dave fighting his depression.

I still think I can get better

I’m holding onto hope.

I still think I can create and get pleasure from it

I hope so, I want my art and writing to improve.

I'll keep aiming to make my emotion and my logic agree

The eternal stuggle. I always try to get the two to line up, it rarely works. I try to use logic more often though.

And become the best version of me

Always trying to improve myself.

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

There’s alot this could mean. I dont want to stop creating. I dont want to stop fighting. I dont want to stop getting better. I dont want to stop living. I relate to all these things.

I’ll expand on this more later, it’s too late now for me to continue this

#cussing tw #swearing tw #tw suicide mention #tw self harm #tw eating disorder #vent post

[cybernightwanderer]

How whats left of me faded away, and how my first christmas home became my last : - The day my mom died. - The concept of family finally ended for me. - And how “ it doesnt get any better”.

23rd December.

These past few months i have been on psiquiatric medical leave from work due to a very severe depression thanks to the amazing workplace enviroment that has now crippled me so deeply physically and mentally, more before.

Its funny how when i try my hardest to recover and get my life back, its becomes so clear its a fucking joke.

Begining of the year i managed to fight off my mom on the money she was forcing me to pay her, and i managed to pay less from what i was paying before, and due to these medical leaves and corona, i get very little support finnancialy. I managed to save up almost 1k, i was ready to start believinng i could fix up my life. However i still pay her what i have to monthly, half the bills, 50 euros for food that i may consume at the house, and i also buy my food and my own things like i always did.

My mom has the tendancy to force me to take borrowed money she lends me.

For example mid corona time, i had to have gum surgery due to an old tooth infection, wich turned out to be 3 tooths, and i took out 2, needless to say my mom helped me with half of the apointments, i payed the surgery ones but then i needed follow up apointments so i wouldnt lose 4 more teeth. Apointments i canceled right away , beause i didnt have any money, and my mom being the mom that she is i always refuse her “ loans “ due to her being worse than a fucking stereotipical loan shark that takes that money back with interest, but in mental health and sanity. However she kept squedueling the apointments without me knowing, then tell me 1 day early, then get mad at me because id tell her i had no money so i told her to cancel and not make apointments without my consent and knowledge. This to wich she responded with screams , name calling , telling me to cancel myself and the general griefing of : “OK fine ill never help u with anything again “ / “ ok fine i dont care anymore then “, “ what you are too good to take my money is that it? “ Then when i standed my ground , proceeding to treat me miserably for the following week, demanding me to do random chores, just for the sake of punishing me , leaving dirty dishes of her own food acumulating so she could force me to do them and threaten me with a beating if i didnt, or making me wash the bathroom everyday for no reason.

With all this mess, half the money i had saved up + using it on the apointments and paying her back right away at the end of the month the consultations i owed her. I was left with 400 bucks.

Wich later on were also spent in dentist urgency apointments, because i kept having infections, psiquiatrist apointments and medicine and a laywer for the work harrassement situation, and then and there, all my money was gone.

The situation goes by, im home , receiving basic support for the medical leave, i pay my share of the bills and i do my own thing, however depression has gotten worse, my attacks have gotten worse, and everything just feels like rock bottom here.

These last 2 months, ive been trying so hard... so hard to get back on my feet, i was taking my medicine, i was taking a languague course, i was going to the doctor. I was really, really trying. Its funny how hard i was trying, for the first time in my life i was really trying to believe it could get better.

My mom was even acting nice and it almost seemed like she was really supporting me and trying.

December 23. Me and my mom go the psiquiatrist apointment for him to avaluate my condition. For the first time the apointment wasnt so heavy, it didnt leave me so weary from it. I finally believed. By the end of the consultation my doctor asks my mom to make sure i dont go back to that work place, because it might have a huge take on my life. My mom turns to the doctor and says : “ I know she cant go back , but she cant be unemployed either.” And the doctor says : “ I know, but if she goes back it can make her worse, we cant let that happend, its damaging her“ ( meaning she could kill herself, due to the last apointments conversation ) On to wich my mother replied : “ Well i cant be providing for us both with my money “.

...

When we arrived at the car i asked her why she said that and what she meant by that. And i told her that i pay for my food and that i pay for the things i eat that she buys ( wich is not much ) and that i also pay for half the bills.

To wich she agressivly threatned me to shut up and started yelling right away and acting like a victim with her mild aneurism that happend quite a few years ago in wich she HAS BEEN FULLY HEALED AND PERFECT HEALTHY, but always uses as an excuse to dodge the discussion after demanding certain shit or just plain insulting me. After a lot of lying and name calling and even telling me that i eat her food and that i live off of her. Into wich i replied, i dont always eat your food , and theres a lot of times when i dont eat and you yell at me and treat me badly for not eating your food wich led me to just eat cereals for months everyday as all 3  meals or not even eating and skipping meals for being too afraid of making my own food in the kitchen.

And so on... And i asked her what she wanted from me. And after a long car fight and a lot of gaslighting, she finnaly admitted she just wanted more money “ because if all your friends pay normal rent , you should too “ ( meaning a 450 rent ).

And then i just gave up and told her ok, ill pay you a full rent and i will also never toutch your food again. She laughed and made fun of me. And said : like ur even gonna buy your own food, you always use my things. to wich i asked what things? Oh you use my shampoo and toilet paper. To wich then i replied, everytime i buy toiler paper for me, you just take it as your own, and i dont use your shampoo or body wash i buy my own and i have been buying my own. And she just kept fighting me on it saying i do...and i told her i dont, if i by any chance dont have shampo ill use body wash as shampoo or vice versa. She just wanted to be right, so i just told her, ill pay you anything you want, i just dont wanna fight anymore im tired. To wich then she just kept saying “ oh now ur just trowing a fit “ And i sayd to her, why me agreing to what u ask and calmly shutting up to not fight anymore , how is that trowing a fit? i just gave you what you wanted, you dont need to be angry anymore.

And she just kept going at it, trying to poke my nerves until i just completly yelled and when crazy. The she acted like a victim again.

I am so drained, i am so tired....

After that discussion it was just 10 minutes of silence. I made a decision. That woman is not my mother anymore.

She wants to be a landlord so bad, she will be one.

My mother has died.

After a few minutes almost home , she decides to turn the “ mother mode “ on, and goes like “ oh you have to go to the doctor blah blah lets get your medicine etc. And i just told her, no. Ill go to the doctor on my own means, and ill buy the medicine when i have money.

Obviously she completly dismissed what i sayd and tried to drive me to the doctor and the pharmacy. After a few NO’s , she went home.

I got home, i took care of my things and i sorted out my doctors paperwork, she tries to come into my room, and acting like a worried mother like : “ oh did you do this -- etc” ( what i was already doing ) and i just told her, to stop. That she doesnt get to “ talk to me about those things anymore, or about my buisness.

Shes not my mother anymore. She doesnt get to act like a mother do just order me around and controll me. She is just a landlord now.

A few hours later, shes wrapping up presents and asks me to do it and asks me for my gifts wrapping thingies, and i told her no. Immediatly got mad at me and kept trowing provocative comments. And i told her, i didnt want any xmas gift from her, and that i wouldnt be spending xmas with her.

She made that usual smirk she mades when she sees me upset.

fast forward, the next day.

24 December

---

#depression #depression major #anxiety #abuse #toxic relationship #abusive mother #toxic mother #Suicide #domestic violence #domestic abuse #covid #covid19 #2020 #mental health #help #gofundme #homeless #trauma #ptsd #toxic family #abusive family #unhealthy #toothless #broken

[salemrising666]

my depression and health battle

DEPRESSION

IS A BATTLE THAT CAN BE WON

as I pull the petals of this beautiful flower I noticed I had reached the last petal as I muttered to myself im lucky and tore it away from its steam I noticed one small underdeveloped petal hanging on for dear life and I muttered im not lucky and with my bad luck streak in life I thought it was some kind of omen was this a sign that my bad luck streak would never end or was I bein stupid overthinking things yet again I guess we can only find out as I battle my demons.

I sat there for a few minutes trying to talk myself out of this sign that everything would be fine it had to be my luck had to turn at some point hadnt it?

When I was 15 I started having eye trouble and my thirst for sugar had increased dramatically my parents had noticed this more than I had and suggested I go see a eye specialist to sort my eye troubles out when we got there my parents mentioned the sugar intake and they tested my blood sugars which were off the charts high I had further blood tests to soon discover that I was a type one diabetic and because of all the sugar in my bloodstream had temporarily changed my eye shape hence the blurred vision,i was sent to a hospital for two weeks to earn the ins and outs of how to take care of myself with this new disease it was scary and so hard I had never had a phobia of needles but to learn that I would here on out have to stick a needle into my stomach with each meal snack and drink was scary and take my sugars before each meal which would mean also stabbing my fingers scared the hell out of me and I thought why me why now anda lot of damage had already been done as I could have been diabetic for wuite a while before they had found it

I was to face some debhilitating challenges almost dying and permenant damage that would change my life forever things I would have to learn to live with and adapt to such as permenant eye damage agonizing diabetic neuropathy the loss of my left small toe then a further amputation of the joint including multiple procedures like laser eye surgery eye injections eye surgery two amputations the removal of all my teeth due to gastro peresis stages where I couldnt stomach any food throwing it all up losing weight to where my organs were failing and me on my death bed and not knowing why I have neer given up in all these struggles even though I knew oh well eating will end up with me bent over the toilet for hours being labelled as having a eating disorder and trying to convince doctors no this is medical and something was wrong having a feeding tube forced down your throat becausee of these labels and watched while I showered and used the toilet was horrible being in hospital for three months fighting for my life as I never realised how important food was for your body till I was striken with gatsro peresis and not being able to consume it and practically starving to deathi thought this was it this would kill me as nobody could find what was wrong and trying to tell me I was doing this to myself on purpose I refused to leave myhouse as I was ashamed of how thin I was I got down to 31 kilos and there was nothing left of me I was stuck in mental health and was forced to talk to psychiatrists about my so called eating disorder as they tried to help me but how can you fix something that doesnt exist they finally realised months later after leaving the hospital that it was medical from all of the tests I was made to do im still battling these issues today truing to gain weight I have also lost a large portion of my eyesight due to diabetic neuropathy when the blood vessels overgrow and cause permenant damage and the obly way to stop th further damage is to have laser ee surgery to try stop the vessels from growing which worked for a while then I was told they were growing again

so the next step was to have multiple injections over months into the eye to try shrink them which I am still having today as they have flared up again I now have to wear glasses but I can never drive as my vision is that impaired.

Another thing I battle wth is diabetic neuropathy which Is where your nerves send misfired pain signals to your brain when nothing is actually wrong you feel shock like pains hot pins and needles aches and some feeling losswhich contributed to me losing my small left toe I had gotten a blister that I didnt know I had which turned into a foot ulcer got infected and ate its way down to my bones I then got na serious bone infection called ostemyelitis which eats away at your bones they tried a long course of iv antibiotics to get rid of it but it falled and the only way to stop me from losing my whole leg was to amputate the small toe I was terrified as I lay in hospital and the doctors came in to wheel me ito surgery next thing I knew I was waking back up in my ward and my foot was being unwrapped I was in shock seeing my little toe missing they put something called a vac seal on it which helped fill the giant hole I now had in my foot and healed it three times faster than without it because of my compromised immune system from the auto immune disease they think I have that hasnt been even named yet I struggled to heal fully allowing infection bac into the amputation site which meant round two but they were to tell me I was going to loose my whole leg and had two weeks until surgery so as I went home and tried to prepare one day post surgery checkin they told me we are just going to amputate the remaning joint I had a sigh of relief but it was still loosing more of my foot I have had a rough life health wise as there has always been something wrong I have had the worst luck possible so many long hospital trips and now being 27 I just want to be as healthy as possible and live the life I know I deserve after all this grief and I have learnt to appreciate even the smallest of things and especially all the people who never left me in all my struggles and mood swings I am forever grateful for them as I know I wouldnt be here without them although they tell me they understand what im going through they couldnt possibly but I hate that ive had to go through all this and more I hate more the people I love have had to watch me gp through this amd I am usually a happy bright bubbly person but I mean I have my bad days where im depressed and wished all these afflictions didnt plague me everyday and it is also hard as I cant just forget I have these things as they impair everything I do I cant just turn around and be like I dont feel like being type 1 diabetic for a day as I would face horrible repurccusions .

In all this hardship I know there is people suffering out there more than I am I just wish I didnt have to fight everyday with all of this and fight to keep my life I want to just live it and be happy and I know I will get there I will never give up no matter how bloody hard this is or will get but I just wnted to tell a small portion of what I have gone through in my life in the hopes it may inspire of help somebody suffering with anny of these issues and yes depression is a hard thing to overcome but there are always things to help I find art and writing in a journal helps and venting all it takes is that one special person to listen and have your back if anybody reading this wants to chat I will always lend a ear to you so dont be afraid I may look odd and be odd but I am friendly and have a massive heart thank you for reading.

#depression #healthissues #nevergiveup #loveyourself #type 1 diabetic

[seekerstone]

DONT even talk 2 me today i just spent over an hour sobbing bc of college shit

#why am i dumb as hell!!!!!!! why!!!!!! my family is wicked smart and Then There's Me n im the biggest dumbass youll ever meet #im SO fuckign stupid so this next year is gonna suck :) im taking 3 classes a quarter and every single one of them is gonna be awful #im taking psych AND an english class this quarter so! fun and by fun i mean im gonna cry nonstop until december #*two english classes lol i just realized the third class i was gonna take (health sciences) was only 3 credits & i needed 4 #so im taking two english classes and psych. this is gonna be like paper city up in here #mom and dad have tried so hard to be supportive but they dont quite get that when i say im Dumb At Academics i fuckign MEAN it #anyway! hate life. hate everything. this on top of the other like five things im stressed abt is hell :) i wanna die #i dont know how im sleeping these days theres like. college. work. interpersonal relationships. money. my future. mental health. #its ALL shit its all terrible and i dont know how to fix any of it. ive just fucked it all up beyond repair and now i have to live with it #the moon has feelings #oh today is going to be bad................. today is going to be very bad i WILL cry again soon

[cabbagezonk]

im so fucking frustrated about what happened at my wedding but everybody ive talked to has tried to assure me that “it was great” but for me it fucking wasn’t!!!

my selfish fucking family ruined basically everything important at the wedding because all they fucking gave a shit about was making the decorations look nice! they went behind my back and BOUGHT extra decorations so that all the flowers could match, when i specifically didn’t want them to match!! and after all that they couldn’t even put the mic in the right place or set up refreshments for people like i wanted! my mother, who was THREE FUCKING HOURS EARLY to set up decorations, somehow couldn’t get the important stuff ready AND WAS FUCKING LATE. SHE WAS IN CHARGE OF PLAYING MUSIC BECAUSE SHE BEGGED ME TO LET HER HELP. AND SHE WAS FUCKING LATE SO SHE COULD GET READY WITH HER TRASH ASS BOYFRIEND I DIDN’T WANT THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE. WE WERE JUST STANDING THERE WAITING FOR HER, AND WHEN SHE GOT THERE SHE DIDN’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO PLAY MUSIC OR WHAT SONG WE WANTED! WE PUT IT ON A PLAYLIST I N  O R D E R. and then her fucking mom FORCED all our guests to wait for us to arrive to eat, when we specifically didn’t want them to do that! we had a limited time at the venue but we still wanted to get pictures (the ONLY thing that turned out right) so we figured everyone would eat and hang out, we’d get there and have cake! but because everyone was forced to wait, half the guests were already gone by the time we got to cutting the cake! my best friends didn’t even get a chance to give their speeches because we were in such a rush! I didn’t even get to sit down and eat cake with my friends because we all had to take it to go! after MONTHS of my mother and her mom pestering me about the most minuscule details of the wedding, stressing me out, making me miserable, making me anxious about my own wedding, they can’t even get the most basic shit right! i worked so fucking hard to make this a special thing for me and my partner and not a single thing we wanted happened. i’ve been so upset about it that i cried basically every day of my FUCKING HONEYMOON. i tried to keep it to myself but it definitely affected me and my partner, i barely remember most of the trip at this point. and then i find out my fucking mother TRESPASSED into my house just because i didn’t leave a light on for our FUCKING CATS. who the fuck does she think she is? she’s CERTAINLY not my fucking parent!! after all the shit she put me through and CONTINUES to put me through, what authority does she think she has to tell me how to live my life or come into my fucking house without my permission? i helped BOTH her and my fucking father through their divorce, talked her down from suicide NUMEROUS times, and have put so much fucking work into trying to get her to stop hoarding and starving herself! she’s fucking incompetent and she thinks she can tell ME how to be an adult? she’s NEVER been on her own, it was always her mom or my father taking care of her, she’l literally never supported herself! whereas i’ve been on my own since 18 and i’ve already accomplished more than she ever will! i’ve had to fucking fight through all the mental health issues and damage she did to me, relearn half my education because she was too fucking lazy to teach me, and basically learn how to be a fucking person for the first time in my life. does she have ANY  idea how fucking damaging her neglect has been? forcing us to stay inside 24/7 with almost no contact with other people, much less kids our own age? being fucking isolated with nothing to do and nowhere to go? we’re pretty sure it literally stunted my mental development and i’m only now understanding the effects of that! my body hurts from never getting the chance to exercise or run or play with other kids. and now it’s too late! i can try to fix the mental damage, but any physical damage is fucking done! i’ve tried to talk to professionals about it, but nobody fucking gets how bad it was! i WISH i could make them understand, let them live my fucking memories, maybe then they’d get it. what it’s like for your entire childhood to be a blur of the same 3 rooms, no friends and nothing to do. living in a fucking hoarder house with no concept of hygiene. the fucking shame i feel now for how i used to live, but it’s not even my fucking fault! i was a child, how was i supposed to know? its unbelievably humiliating to think back on, but nobody seems to see it that way. i’m so fucking sick of feeling like this. of trying to move past what my mother fucking did to me. i didn’t know if i could before, but after this? i’m fucking done. there’s no way in HELL i’m ever letting her get away with this. i’m done pitying her, i’m done trying to fix her life. she has NO fucking right to call me her parent, all she’s ever brought me is pain. she has the fucking nerve to talk about how “she’ll always be there for me” but when has she EVER fucking done that? does she think i just don’t have as many problems as her? that i dont suffer and cry and get angry? i may have lived with the people who spawned me as a kid, but i grew up alone. she’s used me as an emotional crutch for years without me ever getting any support back. all she ever did was invade my privacy, humiliate me, and rage and cry at me. what the fuck was that supposed to teach me? i can’t remember the last time i considered telling her about how i was feeling. i remember HIDING from her everytime i was hurt or sick, even as a small kid. i can’t fucking wait to move across the country and never speak to her again. i’m done trying to be the bigger person and let all of this shit slide just because she’s too fucking unstable to handle hearing it. if i had my fucking way, she’d know nothing about me. but she lives across the fucking street from me! she knows how to get into my house! this is the third fucking time in 2 years she’s been in my house and messed with shit without permission! after everything i’ve fought through to become the person i am, or even just to become a person at all, she has no right to congratulate herself on a job well done. 

#i decided to try and write this again #i'm probably gonna delete it soon anyways but idk it feels good to put it out in public #it's not quite the same as what i initially wrote but it's the same idea #anyway here's the fuckin tea for all my fuckin issues #to delete

[princesspuddle]

im.nervous about tomorrow, i feel sick and sad and idk what to say tomorrow :(( no body to tell, ask, brainstorm or anything, i wish i could tell people but it just feels pointless and like weight on people. While im happy to keep it to myself im also unhappy to. I read back my old letter today and in the note section about who to go to when i need help was a name i can no longer go to help/talk to for and it made me laugh a bit, i also told them if im ever in a crisis he is the only one they can contact that i trust. And this was less that 6 months ago.. im just trying to think of my future self and that what im feelikg right now, going through and healing is all so i can be completely finenin the future.

The only times it crosses my mind is the small things id be doing in the day where id probably message him what im up to.. other than that i feel like nothings changed.. its almost more sad this way because im trying to think of how the relationship was actuallu adding anything different to my life..

Im struggling with getting tasks done right now.. the same as in the relationship

Im not getting physical attention.. i wasnt in the relationship either..

Im not inspired to be healthier in my food/excersise.. i wasnt in the relationship either

Im not super encouraged to attain personal and futute goals.. i wasnt in the relationship either.. or it felt more like that was a cursed topic.

I dont feel majorly unwanted because i didnt feel super wanted in the relationship either.. if anything, this is more uspetting me writting this right now. What has changed? I feel the same, better, most days. Now i am just having to be self reliant, like i always was. But with less depressive feelings of being in a co-partnership and not being equal supported.

It was hard and draining.. i feel like i was always giving and giving and it was being taken and taken at no consideration of my expense. Im proud of myseld because i did ALL of that and still was strong enough to push myself as well. I felt like a duplicated mother and not a girlfriend, bringing meals to his lap, asking if hes saved money, planning what we do...there wasnt much in it for me, just being taken from all the time and for the most part didnt get appreciation either.., i feel like i was the one to tell him everything, he never asked about my finances, savings together for holidays or life, even working on my website, he never asked to see, only when i completed it and showed him. My uni grades, mental state, if im eating fruit.. i get it if i was too much sometimes, but at least you had me there for you in all capacities of your life, i was truly trying to look out for you everywhere, to help everywhere, personal progress, physical health, mental health, finance, living, future plans, dates, long distance dates, calls, texts, plans when in person, fixing your forgetfulness, fixing your lateness, EVERYTHING

Im angry because if i had recieved equal and mutual support, i feel like i would have been more amazing than what ive tried already, but even now im still only dipping my toes in things, and im.imagining the feeling of being inspired by a partner, the boost in life it would give me, not having everyhting be so serious, laughing at mistakes together, taking a plunge together, and the feeling of that person trying their hardest to get themselves to a situation where they could access me easier, both of us.. even after saying you were hopeful for our future and i mentioned how id need to live close to someone, you kicked off at me and wouldnt dare consider looking outside of the city.. it hurt because i wasnt TELLING you what to do. I hoped that you would understand ina relationship you would wwnt to be close to the person.

I felt like you were just waiting for me to do everything.. i didnt feel like you were even considering the thought of living with me after my 3rd year because it would be easier for you to wait until ive figured it out and plan it. I kept thinking as soon as i finish id be the one looking for flats and trying to scramble it together so we can be close, while he sits and just lets me do 90% of the work. That vision used to make me so upset that i just wanted to grab onto any thread of feeling he would give me that he wants to live with me soon, more than a 'yes i do'.. but everytime i wanted to talk about it there came a sigh, a hastle, a tone of voice that made it sound like such a huge dent in the evening, that it was always a 'Yess YESS I GET IT' and always put off.. the time was coming really soon and i was so thinly holding onto the idea that living with me would make him see life with me differently, and it took so much for me to emotionally bear with the fact that this person could barely show an interest in any aspect of a mature life together. This person that would say they love me and truly feel connected with me and in every card would write how we would always be together.. sighed and left the conversation everytime i wanted to chat about it. I was ready to move onto the next chapter of my life with you, and while.i know you were having it rough and going through things and wanted to figure things out. I didnt see you wanting to make effort for you or me, i was in limbo on my future, i was ready to adjust and put things aside and compromise for a relationship as you should. But i was so scared of these compromises i was making at the expense of myself, for someone who wasnt making any for me.. i dont know when this started happening... i dont know if this just is your personality and i was invested in what i thought would fit for me, but it feels like all of this is because of university. That the year you left, it all went downhill, innmy eyes became severely depressed, addicted to videogames and numb to a lot of the world including me. Events happened in your life after that and it piled on top until yoi just shut off everything. I wanted to support you throigh it and im so sorry these things happened.. i know i could have dome better for you but i had to keep myself up too and i was so prepared to do that for a long while to see you get better, i was still ready until the night we split. I have spent time thinking if he finished uni would it all be different? Would he be in a job he loves? Would he have gone straight into moving out getting a car and us being happier straight away? Im confused as to if all this time i was just tryint to squeeze you into someone who would be a suitable match for me, or if you really were just having a rough time and will be happy and everything i could have wanted once you feel better and are no longer suffering?

I dont think you ever told me what you want.. i feel like from the beginning you always knew i was adventurous and a big dreamer, but you never opposed to those things or made it seem like its not the life you want, but if in fact you only dream of having a decent job, not living far from home with a few holiday a year, a small family and a homey wife then why wouldnt you make thay clear to me sooner? You never said that either so how would i know if i was pushing you too far.. even to this day i dont know what he wants.. my biggest dilemma is "hes unhappy right now and thats why he is the way he is about us, or its just the way he is and hes unhappy because im pushing my vision of us too far"

The biggest thing that hurt was the feeling of how much of a struggle it felt like to talk about living together.. thay our dream since we started dating was to be with eachoyher fulley one day.. and we got so close and i no longer felt you wanted that.. it just felt like we had been building up to this moment, part reason i came 5 hrs away from home yo uni was so i could be at one closer to you, but the uninterested tone in your voice when regards to you moving slightly out of your comfort zone to be with me hurt so weirdly like id never expect... it hurt because i keep wondering how you were going to move and live in japan for the most part of a year, but with me a bit further than your city.. its too much.. :((

[fisherfurbearer]

fuck sam walmarts

and fuck management

I’ve had it. Left the store in tears tonight.

as some peoople probably/hopefully know. walmart closes at 6 pm on christmas eve. no one actually gets to leave at 6 becuase of shitty last minute customers. but it is what it is.

this. is really personal but im honestly SO close to just. killing myself? so who cares

basically. had a really really bad last few days. spent a lovely time with family (jessies family, his oma and opa and sister and parents and it was just a great time. theyre more family to me than most of my blood family) but it did make me Sad in Deep ways as we dont know if this is going to be our last christmas with his oma who isnt doing so good. and it just twisted me up a little but was othewrsiwse a great day. but then sunday i just...had a huge breakdown in the morning and decided to use my accomodation (i get 2 excused absenses a month) to cool down and gte myself together. slept a lot. woke up adn got a lot done, felt great, then i CRASHED really really bad, got really angry, lashed otu, took like...8-10 sleeping pills...theyre horrific things and im never doing that again...had to sleep for two days after that...felt horrifically sick, in pain, just awful. had repeating nightmares over and over. which has also been wearing me down recently. wasnt able to work monday either because i still couldnt stand and between the pills and the depression/anxiety and really just. felt like the world was ending.

decided sometime last night id just...try my best to make it in today, work my shift (really long 9-6, knowing i wouldnt leave on time nad htisis my first time working in 5 days now...which is rough...) and if i can get through this, i have another couple days off in a row after that (schedules fault, not mine...do feel awful i missed 3 days before that though...) and we can just. get back on track

today i DID go to work, jessie drove me in

i worked. a long time. im supposed to get a break every 2 hours and a 1 hour lunch

i gott my first break on timeish.

then i got my lunch 6 hours after i got in. at which time i got “locked out” for not taking my lunch and coudlnt do anything on the registers. i was supposed to get it 4 hours in. its christmas eve and excruciating and im still in pain and tired from my previous days breakdowns, but otherwise?? i did really good. i didnt mind at all that my lunch was so late. i was a little miffed, but its ok. i dont care, so long as i get it eventually. anyway they FINALLY noticed i was locked out and got me coverage and i ended my lunch at 4. things continued ok. worked on self checkout, met a lot of regulars i really like, prevented $200 of theft (HAHA WOW that was really really funny i love preventing petty theft. i prevent so much theft every week its my pride and joy) just did okay. then they had us close self checkout that took a little while. then at 5:00-5:10 or so i went to my Manager/Supervisor/”““People LEad” as walmart is now trying to call them, lets call her manager Y, and i told her i still need my break and will i get it before i leave. she said go to register 4. i asked again hey will i get my break though and she said yeah and i thought to mysel HAHA thats not going to happen but ok

really stupid that after bieng locked out the first time she couldnt give me my break before i openned a register with a line i cant get rid of

anywayy i did ok otherwise for a while

but at 5:25 or so i reminded a CSM “hey i need my break still can i get that?” and she just ssaid yeah well try to get someone and then more time passed so much time. i put through an ask on the register “assistance needed”. waited another 10 minutes. “assistance needed” again. starting to get anxious. its past 5:40. the line is so long. theres so MUCH NOISE. Its SO LOUD. the intercom keeps going off, no one is responding to me, i dont have a mat to stand on so my knees HURT,, im not doing okk

i switch my light to flashing/need assistance and start looking for someone to ask for help. its 5:45, i need my break NOW, i DESERVE IT for workng this long ass shift and they already missed several of my last breaks a week ago AND got me locked out today and im STARTING TO GET ANXIOUS PELASE I JUST WANT MY BREAK SO BAD

nnthgen a csm is passing by im about to lose it, so i tell her CSM J, please i really need my break now PLEASE and im starting to ccry and i try to tell her whats going on but she shushes me and goes and gets sometone

im full on tears at this point, im so strreesed out,,

manager Y and some other snooty manager come over andd. ffkcing. ask me whats wrong. im crying and i try to explain im really really stressed out, i havent had my last break, ive been trying to get someone for so long now, i just really need to leave im so sorry

and theyy just. fckkng

ffcking manager Y jjst ssays ok “ill give you your break” and “this is your last break” and i ssaid?? yeah i knoww?? andd she saidd “next time youre like this, just dont come in”

i quote that completeltyyy....i really lost it then...i cried som muchh

this isnt the first itme she said something like this to meee...

she asked me “why are you CRYING” When i had an anxiety attacki n the store once, when ic cloked in and couldnt get myself together,, she didnt give me time to calm down, she didnt listen as to why, she just said “why are you crying. this is a BUSINESS. you cant be CRYING Here.” and i just said ok ill go home bye and leftt

andd when i tried to get my availability changed from 7-9 to 7-6/7-7 because the random late shifts with 7 am shifts was messing me up really really bad and my doctor thinks i need to hcange it too, she just said “i cant do that. thisi sa BUSINESS.” and she wouldnt listen when i said i might have to quit because of this, this is for my health, im literally scheduled 7-2 every sunday in december, busiest day of the busiest month and you cant even chop TWO HOURS off my weekend availability????

andd i jjst

ive HAD IT with her

ive had ittt

im so ashamed and angry and anxious and i still havent stopped cryingg. she called me over to her again as i was leaving and she blamed me for it. she ssaid a customer was upset that i “Screamed” (ues i raised my voice a little but i wasnt screaming??? also the two customers i was attending to when this was going on and i cried were VERY KIND nad jjst said i was doing a good job and thanked me for being there) and called a manager over (but...csm J got them?? not a customer...??) and i cant be acitng like this, i cant do customer service when im stressed,, and d i should just STAY HOME If im going to be like that

then shee fufkcing toold me i DID IT WRONG, that i “shouldve called someone over” I TOLD HER I DID!!!!! I DID!!!!!!!!!! YOU NAIL INTO MY HEAD IM NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE THE REGISTER SO I DIDNT, I DID EVERYTHING ELSE I COULD THOUGH!!! I REQUESTED HELP TWICE!! I TURNED MY LIGHT TO FLASHING!!! I TRIED TO CATCH A MANAGER WALKING BY TO HELP ME!!! N OONE LISTENED UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE, I DID EVERYHTING I COULD!! yet she seriously told me to my face that “you didnt call anyone”, “you couldve turned your light to flashing” WHICH I DID and sshee jjst said that i made customers uncomfortable and i cant work like thatt and just stay hhome

ii stayed home sunday because i was having a mjor mental emergencyy.

i came in today because i was feeling better and i took it eaasy and ended up doing a wonderful job and mad eso many people smilea nd fixed so many problems that wouldve otherwise upset a lot of folks and i met my regulars and made old folks smile andd i prevented a lot of theft that no one else wouldve caughtt and i jjstt broke down after 9 hours and not getting a last break and all the chaos of register (WHICH BY THE WAY THEY KNOW I DONT LIKE REGISTER!!! I THRIVE ON SLE FCHECOUT!!! THATS MY JOB TITLE!! THATS WHAT I DO!!!! THEY KNOW THISS!!!!) and HER AVOIDING GIVING ME MY FUCKING BREAK and NOT RESPECTING MY FFUCKING METNAL DISABILITIES LJNASDKAJHDBASJSDNAJSNDKANSD

I JJST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DOO

i really want to die and i really want to never go back but i really loved my job i loved helpting people ii jjst hate her so muchhh and i feel GENUINE DREAD/SEVERE ANXIETY jjst SEEING her nnow

she doesnt CARE about anyone but herself shes a horrible peson i cant tell the store manager though cause she wont care either and manager Y has more clout than me so shell just twist my words and make me out as the bad guy as hte “CRAZY ONE” who cries and gets stressed (FOR COMPLETELY VALID REASONS AFTER BEING PUSHED OVER THE EDGE) even tthough i work SO FFRIKCING HARD and do SUCH A GOOD JOB and asdjanjsdhajshdas

i d ont know what to doo

i cant work another job because no where else pays as much or will let me do self checkout only, because being a cashier stresses me so muchh

ii...really wanntted to grow stuff and make preserves and sell bee products and work with folks raising heritage sheep and make more fiber art andd open a little stall at a local market and sell all that,, and offer more online and do customs andd stuff

i know i could mkae money that wa ybut i ccantt start it so sudenly and im too Broken to do it seriouslyy and i dont even want to HAVE to quit because of ONE PERSON But shes done this so many times now and this is the nfinfal streaww

i jjst dont know what to doo...

i cantt stop cryingg

i cant even enjoy christmas nnow. wanted to see my stepdad and give him his presernt and maybe be ok.

last christmas we had to move because our house was condemned after a fire. now im going to have to lose my job because of a horrible manager who doenst respect my metnal health or anything about me reallyy. and unfortunately im such a failure that i cant. do anything else and if i lose this job ill lse my animla sand i wotnt be able to do anyhtingg andd im jjust fucking trash

goddammit i dont know what to do. i really dont. hhahaaa. i just really want to end it. ive come so far and none of it fucking matters because of thiss fucking horrible manager.

#jjst...ffeels like shes violating somethingg #and treating me a LOT like how my abusive mother used to treat me #why are you CRYING? you cant be trying here. this is a BUSINESS. #is a lot like Why Do You look so MISERABLE all the time?? why are you CRYING?? #and shit like IGNORING ME when i try to change my hours #straight up ignoring me #she basically made it clear shed rather me QUIT than fuckingg chop 2 hours off my AVAILABILITY #ITS SO FRUSTRATING #AND SHES SUCH A HYPROCRITE #scheduled 7-2 every sunday!! #yet you cant change my availability to 7-7?? #you NEED ot keep it until 9??? #but working until 9 and getting home around 10 and getting no sleep because i need to take care of my pets and myself #and get up at 5:30 the next morning for work at 7 #WHEN THAT COULD EASILY BE ALTERED BY CHIPPING A COUPLE HOURS OFF MY AVAILABILITY #AND MY DOCTOR ALSO THINKS I NEED TO CHANGE IT TOO #BUT WHO FUCKING CARES RIGHT ITS A BU S I N E S S #SURE SURE BUT WHEN A CUSTOMER FLIPS THE SIGN ON A $7.94 SHIRT #TO SAY 0.94 CENTS #WITH THE CENTS SIGN!!!! #THEN I HA V E TO HONOR IT #THATS A+ BUSINESS RIGHT THERE #BITCH DOESNT EVEN KNOW HOW TO APPROVE A COUPON ON SLEF CHECKOUT!!!! #AND OUR FRICKING STORE MAANGER MAKES TRIPLE FIGURES!!! #BUT NO ONE FUCKINGG CARES #NO ONE FUCKING CARES #I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMOREE #id dont want to have to lose my job and stability over this one person #but this isntt...ok #i shouldnt have to go to work and deal with MORE emotional abuse

[oswednesday]

im like bringing my brother his mail and cleaning up from the party Not To Sound Like A Boomer Mom but cause apparently im the only one who is and saw that my mom got my brother like a whole bunch of party supplies that Rule in a kind of post ironic enjoyment of little kid party supplies but like, def party supplies for a super child and not like, a teen, and just idk it hit me so hard, like i Had Some like almost arranged properly parties as a child p sure cause i attended a private school as a kid, and then had the expectations of having a party, this dried up when i went to a public school and any attempt at like normalcy was met with fighting and this ended up extending to my “Friend” groups like id have to be the one to contact them to be like hey im having a birthday want to like react in a way thats apprrop? and would get like Ugh That Day? Im Busy? Why Are You Being So [Some Put Down Here] not even in like hey come to my party sorta thing just, hey want to, act like a person in my life in any regards? but omg, off topic, i never had like Random Teen Party With Friends via my mom id get together with others and we’d work on stuff mostly or like go shopping and play street vollyball and chill but omg also not aligned to the topic, like my brother like Always gets bday party stuff over me like ive talked about this before but at 13 i had to buy all my own gifts fdfgdfgdf that my mom wrapped up and we “shared” a cake my name wasnt even on,,,like,,okay, but hes never had like, full planned party for birthday events as a child, im pretty sure cause he went to a rather shitty public school, but now that hes attending a ritzier sort of school Now she wants to do stuff and its like,,,too late for this kind of thing she Tried to do, idk its really sad , i feel so disconnected from understanding and i dont think its doing my mental health any favors trying, i guess i feel really guilty too, like i should have tried harder in the past which is nonsense logic but you know? and guilty to that like ill be leaving this behind and like what happens to him? what happens to my other brother? when i was younger, i fantaized about making soo much money that i could provide school and housing, medical attention, ect for my brothers but the fantasy never involved like,,all that stuff for me, no real goal other than i have to fix this i have to save this, like, i cant stand it

[juunshua]

I think people underestimate how many idols pass their auditions despite being basically tone-deaf. I think a lot of the early vocal-training just focuses on being on tune except for the main singers. Some people in svts vocal-team obviously aren't pros when it comes to technique. That doesn't mean that they're not great people with lot of potential, or that people aren't allowed to love their voice as it is, so I hope people don't take offense to this. Because technique ≠ objective beauty!!

while i would hesitate to call them ‘tone-deaf,’ i do agree that when auditioning for a company, perhaps if they claimed their forte was ‘dancing’ or ‘rapping’ instead of ‘singing,’ there may have been idols who have struggled with that aspect, the same as when idols who didn’t know much about dancing just clapped their hands to the beat and were often accepted. but companies know this. its their responsibility to ‘groom’ these trainees they accept to become idols and that often entails things like dance practice and vocal lessons. what you’re saying about ‘early vocal-training’ and how it focuses on being on tune, it just confuses me that if a company has a trained professional certified vocal trainer work for them, why such a person would only focus on being on tune because singing is far more complex than just that. learning how to breathe properly is literally the first step of singing, and the way that most idols sing these days, its as if they’ve never even received this simple lesson. and along with that, voice classification is also an important first step for singing so vocalists know and are aware of the limitations of their voice, but why does it seem like so many baritones out there don’t seem to know that they are baritones? and blame themselves for the inability to hit high notes with the same ease as tenors? when its not their fault at all. ive helped one of my old orchestra teachers for many summers teach children how to play string instruments and the first thing we teach them is not how to put fingers down on the violin and play notes, but instead how to hold their instrument properly, how to hold their bow properly, how to sit properly etcetc and we do a lot of exercises with that in mind. im no music major and i have not a degree in teaching music but i know as a violinist what things will benefit my students if they adopt these good habits now rather than trying to fix them later. it should be the same for vocal teachers too i dont think i would understand the reason why actual educated vocal instructors would try to teach their students how to sing without teaching them a lot of important basics. singing in tune is important yes, singing on the beat is also important yes, but along with those first steps in music should also be a basic understanding of the instrument youre working with and how to best take care of it so you dont injure it or yourself, which is something i feel many idols don’t have.i honestly believe that everyone has the potential to be a decent vocalist if they have the proper mentorship and work ethic so yes i agree, even if svts vocal unit, or svt in general, are struggling in the technique department, it doesnt mean that they cant adopt it and learn from it and improve…but thats also partially why its so frustrating ahaha they can improve but they dont and just stick to their confines of societal expectations of a good singer which is one that is again: loud, high and “stable.” the room for improvement with that mentality i think is a bit limited honestly for me, its always the vocalists who have shown that they know what vocal technique is, that i am always the most excited for improvement because i know that they know how to improve. also i agree that you’re allowed to love whatever voice color you want even if theyre not the best vocalist. in terms of color, i really love yooa’s voice from oh my girl even if she doesnt really know how to support ahah her voice in ‘cupid’ was the whole reason i biased her tbqh, and even though kyuhyun is redeemed as a fantastic vocalist, his vibrato bothers me quite a bit and i much prefer ryeowooks vocal color and voice in general over his. same with exo i prefer baekhyun/kyungsoo over chen even though chen is the more technically advanced. enjoying someones voice as it is is fine, everyone has different preferences when it comes to the type of voice they want to hear and thats all fair and good.however, yes while “technique ≠ objective beauty,” as beauty truly isnt ever going to be objective as it is dependent on personal preferences as well as societal expectations, i think a reverse/modified version of that statement should be considered as well: “subjective beauty ≠ technique.” ive seen in many fandoms, carats included, where someone tries to ‘justify’ the reason they like someone’s voice as being because they have ‘great technique’ when thats just…not the case at all. its okay if you like ur favs voice and they don’t have great technique, just try not to attribute something to someone that isnt there and please recognize someones hard work and skill when it is there. in the end my whole stance on vocal technique is that it should be something that more idols should try to adopt because its only better for the health of their vocal cords. many idols want longevity, esp those who focus on singing, it would be a shame if they were to seriously injure their voice especially since its the one instrument that you really cant exactly buy a new one of if it ‘breaks.’ singing with technique in mind also opens up a lot of other doors, such as versatility, dynamics, overall control of your voice, etc. like it just increases the musicality of every vocal performance imo. for instance boo here goes from soft and gentle sounding to more gritty and loud and often goes back and forth between the two sounds and all the intermediates. the changes are very gradual and minute but there if you listen for it and hes able to do this because he knows what he has to do to manipulate his voice to execute the musical interpretation of the song that he chose to sing because he knows what technique is. but it’s not to say that people who sing out there who arent trying to employ technique are invalid as singers and that their voices are not ones that people can enjoy. tl;dr yes enjoy voices and their vocal colors and listen to the voices that make you feel happy and that you like but the importance of vocal technique should not and must not be dismissed.

#anon #replies #i dont want fifty million boos i just want ppl who are more aware of their voice #like for instance wu jiacheng? rn his voice probably peaks at support at around g4 #and i dont think he has resonance either #BUT his voice excites me because he seems to know what hes doing with his voice #every note he sings is deliberate in how he takes in his breath and what he sings #hes the kind of person i would expect to improve if he continued along this path #but ppl who focus on sounding loud and having pretty tone ? #the former means shouting more and the latter is just...subjective lmao like you can only go so far