#and obviously i still have to get the referrals and see the doctors but like | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cocklessboy · 10 months

Text

The biggest male privilege I have so far encountered is going to the doctor.

I lived as a woman for 35 years. I have a lifetime of chronic health issues including chronic pain, chronic fatigue, respiratory issues, and neurodivergence (autistic + ADHD). There's so much wrong with my body and brain that I have never dared to make a single list of it to show a doctor because I was so sure I would be sent directly to a psychologist specializing in hypochondria (sorry, "anxiety") without getting a single test done.

And I was right. Anytime I ever tried to bring up even one of my health issues, every doctor's initial reaction was, at best, to look at me with doubt. A raised eyebrow. A seemingly casual, offhand question about whether I'd ever been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. Even female doctors!

We're not talking about super rare symptoms here either. Joint pain. Chronic joint pain since I was about 19 years old. Back pain. Trouble breathing. Allergy-like reactions to things that aren't typically allergens. Headaches. Brain fog. Severe insomnia. Sensitivity to cold and heat.

There's a lot more going on than that, but those were the things I thought I might be able to at least get some acknowledgement of. Some tests, at least. But 90% of the time I was told to go home, rest, take a few days off work, take some benzos (which they'd throw at me without hesitation), just chill out a bit, you'll be fine. Anxiety can cause all kinds of odd symptoms.

Anyone female-presenting reading this is surely nodding along. Yup, that's just how doctors are.

Except...

I started transitioning about 2.5 years ago. At this point I have a beard, male pattern baldness, a deep voice, and a flat chest. All of my doctors know that I'm trans because I still haven't managed to get all the paperwork legally changed, but when they look at me, even if they knew me as female at first, they see a man.

I knew men didn't face the same hurdles when it came to health care, but I had no idea it was this different.

The last time I saw my GP (a man, fairly young, 30s or so), I mentioned chronic pain, and he was concerned to see that it wasn't represented in my file. Previous doctors hadn't even bothered to write it down. He pushed his next appointment back to spend nearly an hour with me going through my entire body while I described every type of chronic pain I had, how long I'd had it, what causes I was aware of. He asked me if I had any theories as to why I had so much pain and looked at me with concerned expectation, hoping I might have a starting point for him. He immediately drew up referrals for pain specialists (a profession I didn't even know existed till that moment) and physical therapy. He said depending on how it goes, he may need to help me get on some degree of disability assistance from the government, since I obviously shouldn't be trying to work full-time under these circumstances.

Never a glimmer of doubt in his eye. Never did he so much as mention the word "anxiety".

There's also my psychiatrist. He diagnosed me with ADHD last year (meeting me as a man from the start, though he knew I was trans). He never doubted my symptoms or medical history. He also took my pain and sleep issues seriously from the start and has been trying to help me find medications to help both those things while I go through the long process of seeing other specialists. I've had bad reactions to almost everything I've tried, because that's what always happens. Sometimes it seems like I'm allergic to the whole world.

And then, just a few days ago, the most shocking thing happened. I'd been wondering for a while if I might have a mast cell condition like MCAS, having read a lot of informative posts by @thebibliosphere which sounded a little too relatable. Another friend suggested it might explain some of my problems, so I decided to mention it to the psychiatrist, fully prepared to laugh it off. Yeah, a friend thinks I might have it, I'm not convinced though.

His response? That's an interesting theory. It would be difficult to test for especially in this country, but that's no reason not to try treatments and see if they are helpful. He adjusted his medication recommendations immediately based on this suggestion. He's researching an elimination diet to diagnose my food sensitivities.

I casually mentioned MCAS, something routinely dismissed by doctors with female patients, and he instantly took the possibility seriously.

That's it. I've reached peak male privilege. There is nothing else that could happen that could be more insane than that.

I literally keep having to hold myself back from apologizing or hedging or trying to frame my theories as someone else's idea lest I be dismissed as a hypochondriac. I told the doctor I'd like to make a big list of every health issue I have, diagnosed and undiagnosed, every theory I've been given or come up with myself, and every medication I've tried and my reactions to it - something I've never done because I knew for a fact no doctor would take me seriously if they saw such a list all at once. He said it was a good idea and could be very helpful.

Female-presenting people are of course not going to be surprised by any of this, but in my experience, male-presenting people often are. When you've never had a doctor scoff at you, laugh at you, literally say "I won't consider that possibility until you've been cleared by a psychologist" for the most mundane of health problems, it might be hard to imagine just how demoralizing it is. How scary it becomes going to the doctor. How you can internalize the idea that you're just imagining things, making a big deal out of nothing.

Now that I'm visibly a man, all of my doctors are suddenly very concerned about the fact that I've been simply living like this for nearly four decades with no help. And I know how many women will have to go their whole lives never getting that help simply because of sexism in the medical field.

If you know a doctor, show them this story. Even if they are female. Even if they consider themselves leftists and feminists and allies. Ask them to really, truly, deep down, consider whether they really treat their male and female patients the same. Suggest that the next time they hear a valid complaint from a male patient, imagine they were a woman and consider whether you'd take it seriously. The next time they hear a frivolous-sounding complaint from a female patient, imagine they were a man and consider whether it would sound more credible.

It's hard to unlearn these biases. But it simply has to be done. I've lived both sides of this issue. And every doctor insists they treat their male and female patients the same. But some of the doctors astonished that I didn't get better care in the past are the same doctors who dismissed me before.

I'm glad I'm getting the care I need, even if it is several decades late. And I'm angry that it took so long. And I'm furious that most female-presenting people will never have this chance.

#transgender #queer #transmasc #lgbtqia+#trans man #sexism #medical sexism #feminism #male privilege

15K notes · View notes

clatterbane · 1 year

Text

The lovely new orthopedic sandals I just got sent home with, y'all! 🥴

These are actually less grandma-shoe fugly than the first ones they pulled out. My Mamaw wouldn't have gone out in public with those things on her feet, for that matter. I apparently had a severe enough case of Stressed Autistic Face going beyond my control when they pulled those out, that they did bring out another style. Which is something, I guess, embarrassing as it may have been. I don't have the best control over my face at the best of times. Which that wasn't.

At least they went straight for black, possibly after seeing my outfit. I went in halfway prepared to semi-politely try to avoid taupe. 😑

[ETA: Besides just the whole usual "orthopedic shoe" aesthetic, I couldn't help but notice that we were the only people under retirement age in the fairly busy waiting room. Which may not help.]

So yeah, I had an appointment this morning at what appears to be the only orthotic and prosthetic clinic in town. But, not yet on the cooler side.

At the last endo appointment, the doctor for whatever reason decided to put in an urgent referral to orthotics after finding out that I hadn't been there already. I can certainly see the point of trying to keep my one remaining foot as happy as possible, but it hardly seemed urgent when I'm not even walking around right now. Today was actually a delayed appointment, thanks to a collision with another gastroscopy appointment when they were wanting to schedule it.

But, examining my foot the endo also sort of freaked out for whatever reason. My supposed "deformities" were mentioned. That would be through a few layers of communication interference, since she is at best guess from somewhere in the Balkans. Dealing with my dense ass in English, in Sweden. It still seemed like a bizarre thing to say with no further explanation. The best either of us could figure out was that maybe she somehow got worked up over my toes...doing what they've always done with absolutely no comment from any sort of professional before? I really have no idea.

But, today I did go to orthotics. And they openly wondered wtf was up with the urgency. Apparently the information they got was that I had some active foot ulcer(s) going on which needed some special fitting to accommodate--which was very obviously not the case. (?!) No wonder reception there was pushing to get me in much sooner. The actual specialist also did not seem to see anything particularly concerning whatsoever about my foot or the way I stood on it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

So, I got sent home with a pair of totally off the shelf orthopedic sandals for around the house, basically because why not.

Did they even see a need to fit me with additional orthotics, as recommended on the box? NOPE. And I did not get the impression that it was out of NHS-style cheaping out.

Just straight off the shelf walking sandals, which actually seemed less comfortable than what I've been wearing. Oddly, this orthotist wanted to put me in shoes at least one size down from what I would normally wear. It wasn't like they didn't have the next size up, either. She thought it looked too big. These looked and felt about like you'd expect on--and with my sensory issues, you can bet that I am careful about how my shoes fit. 😬 And my feet aren't exactly sliding around in them normally. Ah well. Another reason these sandals went straight into the closet after getting home!

Hopefully this won't turn into a bigger issue once I do have an aftermarket leg to stand on, and will really need decent shoes for walking around in.

On that front, when we were discussing why I was even there and what I might need? (And explaining that, yes, I was really hoping to get walking around again ASAP?) My handy live-in Swedish interpreter asked the orthotist about how we might best try to go about getting that underway. Seemed like a good place to ask, since that is also the prosthetic clinic I would be going through.

They honestly seemed a bit surprised that I wasn't already in the system for that--and once again unused to dealing with situations where someone had moved in minus a limb and a Robo Leg, rather than going through the local system from surgery onward. She went to get a prosthetist to talk to us, but they weren't in the office right then. Probably gone to lunch. So, we were advised to get back to the endo about the referral she said she was putting in (which wasn't showing up in their system, and honestly may have gone to the wrong place since it was so far out of the endo's wheelhouse). Also to try primary care, who should be able to refer me there too.

So, at least we do have a little more knowledgeable advice about where to even start with that. Plus some gratuitous too-small granny sandals resigned to the back of a closet.

#personal #medical stuff #better to laugh #orthotics #or not #amputee

7 notes · View notes

thestartofabeautifulride · 8 months

Text

We had back to school night last night. I went to with Clara to her new classroom and my husband went with Waylon. Her new classroom is essentially right next door to her current classroom (until Monday when she transitions to the new one), and when we walked by her teacher was in the doorway and said hi to her, but pointedly did not say anything or look at me. So awkward. I also sent her a message the other day about the situation and how it was nothing personal, Clara was heartbroken to be leaving, we just wanted her to be in a more calm environment. I got absolutely no response. So awkward.

Anyway, we went to her new teacher’s room, got to hear about her and her classroom procedures and such. She’s been teaching a mix of preschool and kindergarten for 16 years, so she’s definitely got some pretty decent experience under her belt. She does seem a bit less warm than I prefer, but. 🤷🏼‍♀️ There are also 28 kids in her class. 28! Even the teacher was like, “I had no idea they would put that many kids into a kindergarten class!” Honestly, I think I’m not cut out for having kids in school because I am really hard to please. But I also don’t think I could successfully homeschool either, and I know the kids enjoy the social aspect of school (though obviously I know that homeschooled children also have social lives, but it is still a different dynamic).

And then after Clara’s teacher finished up, we went to Waylon’s classroom and I was able to talk with his teacher about how things are going with him ADHD wise. And the answer is not great. He doesn’t seem to be causing disruptions for the most part, like talking when in line is a problem she mentioned. But the big thing is just his ability to focus on work. She was saying he’s regularly having times where they’ll have something they’re supposed to be working on, 20 minutes will go by and he hasn’t even started because he’s distracted by whatever. The kids all have doctor’s appointments next week to get established with their new pediatrician here, so I guess I need to talk with him about a referral and see where we go from here. I am so, so uncomfortable with the idea of medication. But I also acknowledge that it’s likely going to need to be a step we take. We’re getting into more serious school level, and he’s done well in school so far because he’s naturally bright and picks things up really easily. But we’re getting to a point where if he’s not able to pay attention he’s going to be at risk for falling behind. I obviously want what’s best for him, but the whole thing makes me nervous.

5 notes · View notes

doctorguilty · 1 year

Text

I got a new pcp yesterday, I liked her MUCH more she was much more helpful and like. actually did a physical instead of sending me out being like sorry there's nothing I can do afhjsdkjg she refilled my muscle relaxants, prescribed me magnesium oxide to try as a headache preventative thing, ordered some bloodwork, the only thing she wasn't able to do was refill my testosterone but she was very sympathetic towards that and asked around the office before I left, said she'd keep asking around and call me if I heard anything but told me to continue trying to call places and doctors as I've been doing ... it's truly been a wild goose chase but I'm happy at least to have a cooperative pcp

I MAY have made some headway today, there's a medical campus upstate I can get to by train + bus that has a trans healthcare clinic, I called them up and they said they're accepting new patients but I need a referral, so I took down the fax number for that, called the clinic of my pcp and asked if they could leave a message for my doctor to fax my info over for me. I'm pretty sure they take my insurance, I just HOPE they do call me back because it's defs been a lot of. calling and leaving messages. or faxes. and getting nothing back. but idk. I can hope

I'm still taking 1/2 my testosterone dose a day, so I can stretch my supply about 2 more months. if I can't find anything in another month, I might have to opt for finding an out-of-network doctor that I can pay out of pocket to see...which obviously I don't want to do and can't sustainably afford, but it would be necessary for me. I can't give up my transition, I'll keep doing whatever it takes

#seth speaks

2 notes · View notes

merulanoir · 2 years

Text

Content warning: seeing doctors as a trans person

So I went to see a doctor yesterday for reasons (nothing serious) and. This just doesn't get easier. I've been lucky in a sense that the doctors who have treated me haven't been openly transphobic. They've mostly been polite, but it's this...weird kind of politeness.

You know how you can tell when people are super uncomfortable and react by withdrawing? I've had several doctors like that in the past year. They figure out they're treating a trans person and their faces turn to stone. They stare at their computer and if they need to examine something they're so tense they seem ready to vibrate out of their skin.

Again, this is obviously a smaller, different problem than being treated with outright hostility. It's still dehumanizing, because I'm not some medical anomaly that will fucking explode in their face. I don't enjoy being touched, but the doctors have found a way to make it way more distressing than it needs to be.

The worst experience thus far was getting a post top surgery seroma checked out. I had a very young doctor who behaved like he'd barely heard of trans people. I'm willing to bet I was the first he'd ever treated. He didn't look me in the eye at all as he poked the seroma only with his gloved fingertips, again like expecting it to blow up if he actually inspected it. (To his credit, he did give me a referral to get it drained, although he did fuck that up too and the only reason I got the puncturing done is because the radiology secretary went for FUCK'S sake and arranged it.)

I'm just really fucking tired. I'm doing everything I can to pass fully, because now that my gender marker has changed the doctors won't instantly know I'm trans just by looking at my file. Apart from health issues specifically related to being transgender, I don't want anyone in the doctor's office to know I'm not cis. I'm going to tattoo my chest as soon as the scars heal, so getting clocked will be that much harder.

I'm not resilient enough to be visibly trans. I will keep speaking up about the issues and standing up for queer people, but I don't want to look gender-nonconforming.

#transphobia #trans

9 notes · View notes

raitrolling · 2 years

Note

C H E R A N, for ashe

C - Caregiver - How do they give/receive care best? Do they care for everyone or just a small number of people? How do they react to someone in need?

The way Ashe sees it is that he's a doctor, so of course he should be caring for others. He's always trying to offer a helping hand, would drop everything to assist an injured troll on the street, and is always checking to make sure the trolls he knows are eating well, drinking enough water, and getting enough sleep. He's concerned about everyone's welfare, and will step in to take care of anyone, basically.

At the same time, he's not as receptive to receiving care as he is giving it. He knows he's able to push himself a lot more than the average troll due to being undead, and which of his needs he's able to neglect without overly harming himself. He will listen to others when they tell him to take breaks and relax more, though.

H - Hero - What makes someone a hero in their eyes? Who is their biggest hero in life? Why? Do they consider themselves to be heroic?

Ashe doesn't really think about anything himself or other people do as 'heroic', since a lot of the time heroes are just doing the right thing and being kind to others. He obviously thinks highly of those who do that, but he also thinks that maybe things would be better if more people emulated those traits in general. Sometimes hero worship makes you forget that you're just as capable of doing the same things they can do!

For that same reason, he doesn't have any heroes in his life, but he does somewhat look up to Rotavh for helping him get to where he is today. But now that he's spent more time with him he just feels concerned about his wellbeing a lot of the time lmao

E - Entrepreneur - How do they make money? Are they willing to take financial risks? How do they approach making deals with others?

His clinic is the only source of income for him (given that he's still considered to be dead in Fleet records and thus his caste allowance was frozen), but he doesn't want to run it as a money-making business. I'd imagine that partnering up with the Crown Clinic has helped with the funding, as he receives all the referrals for bloodwork and any extra patients who need medical help when the other doctors are too busy. That deal was a mutual one, made on the basis that they had services the other lacked, and Ashe was content to work with Ullane as long as she continued to treat Cheran and the rest of her employees nicely.

He doesn't take financial risks since he's already bad enough with money lmao

R - Rebel - Do they follow rules, bend or break them? Do they find rebelliousness in others attractive?

Ashe is a bit of a rebel in the sense that he believes that everyone deserves medical care regardless of their caste or status, which is definitely an anomaly on Alternia. He's very stubborn about it too and will stick to his guns when confronted about it, which is definitely emboldened by the fact that he can heal from whatever physical injury someone may inflict on him in retaliation.

Like Lucy, he finds kindness and a willingness to care for others to be an attractive quality, which could be seen as rebellious behaviour depending on who they're caring for.

A - Advocate - How do they show their support for others? Are there any causes that they publicly support? Why?

He really likes to encourage others to the best of his ability, and wants to be as openly supportive towards his friends as possible. He will try and hype you up and offer to help you every step of the way, as well as be reassuring if those plans did not end up becoming successful. He'd want people to know that their efforts are never wasted, and sometimes just trying their best is good enough.

Like I said in the previous questions, he publicly supports good medical care for everyone. It feels like a no-brainer to him, shouldn't everyone get a chance to live a comfortable life?

N - Navigator - What’s their sense of direction like? Do they have a set path in life that they’re planning on following? What do they do if they’re knocked off course?

His sense of direction is decent, but he definitely prefers sticking to locations he knows than trying to navigate his way around an unfamiliar city. In those cases, he'd prefer to have a map on him or having written down the directions in advance just in case he ends up getting lost. He'd get a bit anxious if he did get lost, especially if he was meant to be at a location by a certain time.

He's already been knocked off the path he had intended to follow thanks to his own death, but he's managed to get back on track even if it does mean working as an unlicensed doctor while pretending he always had his degree. He does want to go back and finally finish that degree, but he hasn't really had time to sit down and fill out all the paperwork to fix up his Fleet records so he can apply for university again.

#asks #divinebastet #headcanon #ashell bathre

2 notes · View notes

nyxetoile · 2 years

Note

Hi Nyx! I’m in need of some internet-mom advice.

I have an adult-ADHD assessment in a week and I’m absolutely paralyzed with fear that’s the doctor is going to dismiss me and send me away, after 7 moths of waiting.

I’ve done some research, got a childhood testimony from my parent and wrote all my symptoms down.

Is there anything I can do to calm down and/or prepare better for the visit?

I’m going to someone that specifically specializes in adult-ADHD, so I’m hoping they know what they are taking about, but the first “generic” psychiatrist I had to go to to get a referral was a nightmare and left me kind of scarred (I’m in a difficult uni and I was sitting still during the visit, so obviously I was lying)…

Any words of reassurance would be helpful and appreciated

Oh, honey. Come sit. Have some tea and shortbread cookies. Made fresh.

It's scary to go to the doctor for something like this. There's always the risk you'll get one of those asshole doctors everyone has a story about. They'll dismiss your fears or tell you what you think you have doesn't exist or suggest perhaps all would be solved if you lost some weight.

It sounds like you've done a lot to prepare. Have a list of symptoms and information from others is a great idea. I also suggest writing down questions if you think of them. Including some in case they are dismissive or tell you they think you don't have ADHD. Something like "Is there another diagnosis that fits the symptoms/issues I've brought up today?" and/or "What do you suggest my next steps be, since these symptoms are negatively effecting my life?" Having them written down ahead of time will give you something to fall back on if you're thrown off by their demeanor or get answers you weren't expecting.

The doctor can have their opinion but you are the one living in your skin and will need to be your own advocate. That can be scary and hard and exhausting. But the only way to get help is to not take no for an answer and keep pushing and asking questions until you get answers that help.

That being said, if after all this research and waiting and childhood testimonies you feel confident you have ADHD (or perhaps some other neurodivergence that you're unaware of or perhaps even several) then I think it's unlikely an ADHD specialist will brush you off. If he or she does not see ADHD as a suitable diagnosis, they will be in a great position to help you find a more accurate one. They may even be able to point you to resources to help with your symptoms in the meantime, or be willing to prescribe medication, if that's something you're interested in.

My son is neurodivergent. He is probably on the spectrum. He definitely has sensory processing problems and a speech delay attributed to auditory dyslexia. He might have ADHD. He is not medicated, but has accommodations at school and home and does really well. As his neurologist said "the diagnosis isn't as important as improving the symptoms." Sometimes you need the dx for insurance or work/school needs. But a lot of the time, getting your symptoms improved and addressed is the first step in improving your life, with or without a solid diagnosis.

I wish you a positive, productive appointment and hope you get answers and resources that help. Let me know what happens if you want. I love you, sweetie, you're perfect as you are and you will get through this.

5 notes · View notes

ivehadthatdream · 6 months

Text

Since October 21st I've been having weird GI problems (that really most likely started like a year ago), and it's made me have nausea, bloating, general stomach upset, sharp pains in different areas of my abdomen, acid reflux and heartburn, weird bowel movements. It's been difficult :/ some days are better than others and my symptoms aren't as bad. I worked black friday and felt like I was floating and like I needed to sit down. My appetite had decreased too, but my B.E.D brain obviously still gets fixated on food for the dopamine hit, so there has been times where I continued to eat even though I could tell it was hurting my stomach. All of this is probably caused by the horrible binging I had been doing, and yet I still cant fully shake it :/ . It's triggering myself to want to start purging again, because for 1. I feel like if I never stopped purging to begin with then I could've avoided this year long binging battle. I wouldve been restricting much more too. And 2, there's times where I feel so sick and discomfort after eating too much, that I've had to basically "help" myself get it out. It takes me back to those feelings.

I feel like this could be from gallbladder issues, because I eat a lot of greasy foods :/ and my grandma had issues with hers when she was young. Maybe If I hadn't been binging on fatty foods then this couldve been avoided. Or maybe its pancreatitis and its from eating too many carbs since diabetes runs in my family.

My virgo rising ass is over analyzing all the reasons and stressing about it. I know its not helpful!

Of course I've been my doctor, well technically she's only a nurse practitioner, and she thought maybe h pylori or possibly gallbladder but she wasn't sure. She gave me some pills for it, I didn't notice much difference. A few weeks later I had an energy drink and it bloated me so badly that I could barely move, and I ended up going to the ER. And that doctor said they didnt see anything blockages, just stool and to have my doctor refer me to a specialist ...lmao. I wish they would've referred someone for me cus then maybe it would be going faster 🙄 I've been waiting on an update for my referral for 2 weeks now?? I wanna say?? The ER doc didn't seem worried about what was happening, and he said something like " i mean if you're still concerned we can get you an ultrasound for the gallbladder but you're looking at being here about 6-7 more hours" and we had already been there for 6 hours already. And there were other things that happened while I was at that hospital that rubbed me the wrong way, and I was just exhuasted and annoyed and wanted to leave. The doctor wrote on my papers that I refused an ultrasound!! Of course so they don't get sued in case something serious is wrong with me.

Idk if it's H. Pylori because no one has tested me for it. I've been looking into SIBO which is apparently common in people who have had restrictive EDs but I'm not sure, or maybe thyroid issues since that can cause stomach problems?. And as mentioned already, maybe it's gallbladder or a pancreas problem? Idk!! I just wanna know what it is so I can get better

At least my bloating has went down the past few days so I'm happy about that

0 notes

abbaswift · 11 months

Note

hi. i was just looking through your blog and realised that you’re autistic. i suspect i might also be autistic, so i wonder how your diagnosis went. at the moment, it is not possible for me to get an official diagnosis (financial issues lol), so if it’s okay for you, what were some of the signs/symptoms you noticed?

hi anon! autism was first talked about when i was about eleven and i was diagnosed when i was fourteen

i don’t remember a lot about my diagnosis (i refused to even speak ha) or why autism was suspected so can’t help you much there unfortunately. i think the doctor asked my teachers and relatives and diagnosed me based on that

family and teachers became aware of my issues because i wasn’t attending school, and was well behaved at school but very avoidant (i have a demand avoidance profile), there were a lot of “quirky” childhood stories that in hindsight make sense, i was very exact and literal about things (like if people say something will take a minute, i’d count to sixty and get upset if it wasn’t exactly sixty seconds). i was very particular about grammar rules from a young age (….believe it or not….) and i hated change and eye-contact and didn’t understand social cues, typical autism stuff i guess

my autism definitely looks different as an adult (but i’m also in a lower stress environment so idk how that has affected it), as a child/teenager i had a lot of meltdowns and frequently felt like i was misunderstood and painted in a bad light for things that were out of my control. now i’m a lot happier, but the autism is still huge in my life (as it always will be). i don’t count to sixty anymore but still have that feeling of wishing people say what they mean.

the biggest issue i have is probably sensory overload, i just feel like i notice sounds in particular more than anyone else i know and it really affects me, i can’t concentrate if i can hear any little noise like the electric buzzing or clocks ticking. if i’m in a busy room chatting to people, i can’t tune out the extra noise so i really struggle to process what people are saying and everyone else seems to be managing fine?? whenever i socialise i feel like i need a day to prepare and a day to recover, it’s so draining. i also have a huge germ / food contamination phobia which is probably related

it’s not all bad, i promise (and it might be very different for you). personally i love applying my logical mind and seeing patterns others don’t, special interests can be great too (when i’m not supposed to be focusing on other things).

i do think that official diagnosis can be really helpful, even just to know you’re not making it up i guess? it’s quite validating. but obviously there are plenty of barriers to diagnosis like cost and time (especially for women and people of colour) and autism is there regardless of whether a doctor acknowledges it. i have a ten year old sister who is right now in the early stages of being referred for diagnosis, it might just be a uk issue but even with obvious traits and family history (me), it’s still taken a long time to get the referral, so i know for a fact how complicated getting diagnosed can be.

if potential autistic symptoms are really impacting your life, maybe your ability to work or learn, and you need proof of diagnosis to get accommodations or even just understanding from people around you, then yeah, get diagnosed when you can. otherwise, maybe just talk to people you trust about what you suspect if you haven’t already. sometimes it’s good to get another person’s point of view. i’ve found that even when the people i was close to weren’t too knowledgeable about autism, they could usually tell that i wasn’t neurotypical.

anyway, essay over. i wish you all the luck in the world with figuring it out and please don’t hesitate to send me another ask or a dm MWAH X

#god i do ramble on #thanks for asking!

1 note · View note

atlanticcanada · 1 year

Text

Another New Brunswicker faces the loss of her family doctor

Teri McMackin has had a family doctor her entire life or at least she used to.

A few weeks ago, she found out that her primary physician was closing his practice to pursue another opportunity -- leaving Teri and her two young sons with few options.

“If I have to sit in an emergency room for 12 hours, so be it. But I just really want to make sure that my kids can get in with a doctor and one that can follow them throughout their development,” she said.

“We’re going to see if my husband’s doctor can take on at least the kids and that would be a big stress off of me.”

Even with a tentative plan in place for her children, that still leaves Teri waiting for her current doctor to be replaced or waiting until she can find a new one all together.

“I’ve been going through some tests for some issues and none of it is very serious or pressing, but definitely not something that they would see in an emergency room, or even in a clinic,” she said.

“So I’m left wondering where am I going to get these referrals for blood work and for any other tests that I might need if I don’t have a family doctor?”

McMackin says she’s been extremely fortunate with her experience up until now. Adding that her family doctor has known her entire family history, which gave her confidence in his care.

“My concern is this is a common issue. It’s something that I’m experiencing obviously, so it’s important to me, but so many people that I know are experiencing this,” she said.

CTV News has learned that two doctors in the Moncton area have let their patients know that it’s time to start searching for another physician.

In a letter obtained by CTV, Dr. Jocelyn Cormier urged people to immediately register with Patient Connect NB, a registry that matches New Brunswickers with a family doctor or nurse practitioner on a first-come, first-serve basis.

In his letter, Dr. Cormier stated in part, “This registry is crucial for certain services such as NB Health Link, but mostly can help with pressure on the Department of Health to help find a replacement.”

Also in Moncton, Dr. Linda Wangui announced her departure to patients stating in part, “Making the decision to leave my practice has not been easy and leaving a practice with so many wonderful patients will be the most difficult part.”

Wangui declined an interview.

The Department of Health shared new data with CTV late Wednesday afternoon. Officials say there’s been an increase in the number of physicians in the province in recent years.

More specifically, officials say the department welcomed 101 physicians in 2020-21, saw 76 leave and ended up with a net gain of 25 for the province.

In 2021-22, the department saw a net gain of 28 after welcoming 100 and seeing 72 leave.

Lastly, officials say for 2022 up until Feb. 28, 2023, the department has welcomed 107 doctors, saw 86 leave and ended up with a net gain of 21.

“When a physician leaves their positions, it’s often due to one of three main reasons: retirement, a relocation to another community, or they fall ill or die,” said Sean Hatchard, a spokesperson for the Department of Health.

He adds that the department is working with residents who don’t have a primary care provider.

“The NB Health Link program, for example, is helping to take people off the waiting list as we speak, reducing the number of people waiting from 74,000 to 50,500 since last summer – a drop of more than 31 per cent,” he said.

Right now NB Health Link clinics are in Moncton, Dieppe, Dalhousie, Woodstock and Fredericton with plans to expand.

“I’d really like to see the government step up,” said McMackin.

“I want to see what the plan is to retain the doctors that we have now, but also encourage people who are in med school or looking to New Brunswick to become family doctors or maybe take on a practice or split a practice in two, however, they need to do it. I just want to see the government talking to doctors and finding the solutions.”

from CTV News - Atlantic https://ift.tt/BI6qvrF

#new brunswick #prince edward island #nova scotia #news #politics #canada #CTVAtlantic

0 notes

thanakite · 1 year

Text

Wow, I really need to like document the medical bullshitery I just went through because it was really fucking something

So, I’ve been working actively towards an EDS diagnosis for a little bit now, the doctor/PA who is now acting as a launch pad for me doing so has already made this incredibly difficult. See, they sent me a referral to a geneticist over the summer (About 4 months ago now), because of the limited number of geneticists there are though, I’ve been on a waitlist to be contacted once they have the ability to take me on a new patient which means that at this rate I likely won’t get an appointment with them until 2024

Since I am in severe chronic pain all the time, this isn’t really great to me and as a result I have pushed their referral staff a number of times about the issue, to determine if someone else can see me and diagnosis in the meantime (I regularly asked about rheumatologists/Joint specialists since there are more and since I likely have the general form of EDS that can’t be detected through blood testing yet which means I really don’t need a geneticist, but they kept either ignoring me/blowing me off or literally stated “Well you tested negative for rheumatoid arthritis and so a rheumatologist won’t see you,” like yes -_- I wouldn’t test positive for rheumatoid arthritis if it is EDS and they are still the doctors who specialize in joints so I don’t know what to tell you), the 1 place they pulled up (after I firmly stated that it needed to be someone covered by Medicaid since that is my insurance and because Medicaid doesn’t like people paying out of pocket for things and that they needed to be able to see me sooner than the geneticist they already referred me to) was a place with a waiting all the way into 2024 already and not only DOES NOT take Medicaid, but doesn’t take ANY insurances

Like, no, that isn’t what I asked for at all -_-

So, I’m like “Obviously this didn’t fit the criteria, again who can I see that can see me sooner and is covered by my insurance?”

To which they replied that I can call my insurance and figure it out and let them know, otherwise I should wait for the geneticist they already sent a referral to (Like bro, isn’t this supposed to be your job? To determine which doctors I can see for my problem that are covered by my insurance? Like what?”)

Anyway, I ended up calling the Nurse Advice line through Medicaid since my doctors wouldn’t even confirm for me that I can see a rheumatologist instead of a geneticist. They of course confirmed that duh, of course a rheumatologist should be involved (gasp! Who knew! -_-) They were very kind and helpful and sent me the information on a few rheumatologists covered by Medicaid and everything that I could potentially see

Of those listed most are a 40+ minute drive from where I live which is not easy or helpful in a lot of ways and so I pulled up the info on the closest place, a Kaiser Permanente

At the suggestion of the Nurse line, before I gave their info to my doctor’s office to send a referral I called to confirm that they are accepting new patients and are covered by Medicaid, which the person who answered the phone confirmed was the case but they needed to be sent a referral

I had of course assumed that already but was glad they would apparently be able to see me, and thus sent the info on the place over to my doctor’s office so the referral could be sent over, and as is standard then gave it about a week to hear back from them

Which leads us to the shit show that was today

I call and connect to the appointment line, she asks for a patient number and I explain I don’t have one as I would be a new patient and that my doctor sent over the referral. She tries to bring me up and when that fails she says she’s sending me to Member services and instead kicks me to the main menu again

Okay, so I follow steps to talk to someone in service and get on the phone there. I start to explain that my doctor sent over a referral and that I’m trying to be seen by a specialist. She tries to immediately kick me back to the appointments line and I have to rapidly explain that appointments sent me to them. I explain that I am with Medicaid and that they are supposed to be covered by that and how I’m trying to see a rheumatologist suggested by Medicaid to me

She understands and confirms that I just want to see a specialist not go to one of their primary providers but assures that should be find, but that she needs to set up a semi-profile for me and then explain it to the appointment people. I’m put on hold, she checks back and says she’s still explaining it, and then suddenly without warning I am transferred to someone in appointments who was not explained everything first. She tries to transfer me to Member Services but I explain how I was just transferred to them by Member Services who was supposed to set things up and then explain it to appointments

She looks around the system and can’t find the semi-profile that should have been made and eventually kicks me over to another form of help desk. I explain the situation to this guy and he looks through so stuff and comes back with this:

My Colorado Medicaid does cover Kaiser Permanente but I need to set them up as my primary first by calling the Medicaid people and having them set that up, then I’m supposed to be sent a Kaiser Permanente member card, then from there I am supposed to go see one of THEIR primary care providers and then from THERE I can go to the specialist I was referred to, but I cannot see a Kaiser Permanente specialist unless I am also a member and seen by one of their primary care providers

What a fucking shit show

Like doctors are supposed to be managing these things to avoid this bullshit, because I am sure that DOCTORS know that you can’t see Kaiser Permanente specialists without seeing their primary care providers too, but like let’s sum this up to really get how bullshitty this whole mess is

My doctor told me to ask my insurance who to send me to -> My insurance (Who has my information on who I am and am not connected with) tells me I can go to Kaiser Permanente -> I CALL Kaiser Permanente and they confirm they can see me they just need a referral -> I let my doctor’s office know and they send a referral to Kaiser Permanente -> I give Kaiser Permanente a week to process the referral and then call back to schedule my appointment -> Appointments sends me to Member services -> Member services sends me to appointments -> Appointments sends me to advanced help -> Advanced help determines that insurance needs to connect to Kaiser Permanente and once connected I need to see a primary care provider with Kaiser Permanente before I see my specialist

Like WHAT?!?!? Insurance and my doctor’s office and YOU Kaiser Permanente all confirmed that I can see you through Medicaid and see JUST the specialist and NOW after WASTING yet ANOTHER week of my time (Time I spend in agony due to my chronic pain that we are fucking trying to diagnose here!) you are telling me I need to do a long, complicated, BUSY (Because, right, the guy added that getting the connection between Medicaid and Kaiser Permanente can be difficult and take several FULL DAY tries to accomplish and then trying to get a new patient appointment can also take a decent amount of time too!) process AND see one of your GENERAL providers before we can even START to look at the thing I am trying to be referred to you for

WHAT A FUCKING SHIT SHOW!

This is why medical care is broken, literally so many people could have prevented this from being a problem along the way and yet none of them did and I was the one who wasted even more time, time I spend in constant severe pain that no one but me seems to care about, time that I will continue to have to spend in pain as I try to figure out what my next steps should be, because at this point I’m pretty fucking fed up and I am also aware that if I connect to Kaiser Permanente I could have to start COMPLETELY from scratch in addition to the amount of time I will have to spend just getting connected FIRST

There isn’t enough patience you can be granted in the world to deal with this nightmare

#eds #medical industry #long post #medical bullshit #us medical industry #dumbass medical shit #Kaiser Permanente #medicaid #literally why #blind leading the blind #-_-#chronic pain

1 note · View note

cuttoothed · 3 years

Text

For the second day of @jonmartinweek, mostly for the prompt "injury", though also a little bit "love confession" (by omission).

Set directly after episode 92. Content warnings for mild descriptions of Jon’s canonical injuries (blood, burns).

Things are...tense, when they go back down to the Archives. Actually, “tense” is probably an understatement, after finding out that Elias murdered not only Gertrude Robinson, but also the unknown man in Document Storage—who as it turned out was none other than Juergen bloody Leitner.

A lot to take on board, all in all.

Basira seems to have accepted her new employment status with eerie calm, and starts setting up at Sasha’s old desk (oh god, Sasha’s dead, has been for months), fetching notebooks and folders from the stationery cupboard and arranging pens and highlighters in a desk tidy. Daisy is nowhere to be seen—thankfully, Martin thinks, because she was even scarier than usual in Elias’ office. Melanie storms off into the stacks and there are sounds of shouting and things hitting the floor, which Martin is in no hurry to investigate. Tim sits at his desk with his feet propped up for about five minutes, then stands up and says: “Fuck this, I’m off to the pub.” He doesn’t invite anyone else to go with him, and Martin thinks their presence probably wouldn’t be welcome.

Jon arrives in about half an hour later, smelling of fresh cigarette smoke. Normally Martin would disapprove, but the way things are right now he’s tempted to take up a few bad habits himself. Jon looks...exhausted, defeated, his shoulders slumped wearily. His clothes are smudged with dirt, and there’s drying blood crusted around the injury on his neck; the bandages on his hand are starting to slip, revealing the angry, raw burns beneath.

Martin’s not sure he’s ever been so happy to see someone in his life.

Jon gives him a small, tired smile as he passes, then heads into his office and shuts the door. Martin knows that no sane person would try to go straight back to work looking like they’d just been through a war zone and still with an open wound; he is also aware that Jonathan Sims is the sort of person to do precisely that. He hesitates for a few moments, then makes a decision.

He fetches the first aid kit from the break room, and goes and knocks on Jon’s door. It’s a firm knock, a knock that he hopes says “I’m coming in whether you like it or not”, because it’s not beyond Jon to try to avoid them all for an extended period.

“Come in,” Jon calls, and even his voice sounds exhausted. When he sees Martin enter the room, his expression softens in a way that’s difficult to parse. Is he just relieved that it isn’t one of the others? Or is he actually pleased that it’s Martin?

It’s been two months since Jon went into hiding while suspected of murder, and the last time Martin saw him he had been quite sure Jon was planning to—to hurt himself, somehow. Before that, though, there had been a time when they were...well, close, in a way. Jon had let his guard down around Martin, in the midst of being so suspicious and afraid. He had trusted Martin, when he didn’t trust anyone else, had eaten lunch with him and talked about boring, ordinary things, the tight set of his shoulders relaxing just a little. He had even laughed, sometimes. It had been, despite everything, one of the happier times in Martin’s life, and if that’s not pathetic he doesn’t know what is.

“Hi, Jon,” he says.

“Martin,” says Jon, his tone soft. “It’s so—ahh, how are you?”

“How am I? You’re the one with a bloody great gash in your neck and looking like you put your hand in a fire.” Martin brandishes the first aid kit. “You really should go to the hospital, but I know it would be a waste of my time suggesting it.”

“Thank you for bringing that,” Jon says. “I appreciate it. You can just leave it on the desk.”

“Nope,” Martin tells him cheerily, setting the kit down and opening it. “I know you, Jon. If I leave it with you it’ll still be sitting here untouched tomorrow. Plus, I got my first aid certification when I was working in the library. It’s probably expired now, but I think it still counts.”

Jon looks as if he’s about to protest, but then he huffs a breath that might be a laugh, and nods in concession.

“All right then,” he says.

Martin snaps on a pair of disposable gloves and directs Jon to sit on the desk and undo the top two buttons on his shirt, so Martin can examine the wound on his neck. It’s shallow, fortunately, and the bleeding seems to have already stopped. Martin cleans away the crusted blood as gently as he can, though Jon still winces a few times.

“What happened?” Martin asks, as he smears on antibiotic cream.

“Daisy. She, ah, she decided that I was dangerous. Needed to be dealt with. Fortunately Basira was able to convince her otherwise.”

“Bloody hell,” Martin mutters. He’s not sure why he’s surprised; he’s always felt afraid around Daisy, like a rabbit being in the same room with a fox. But he just sort of assumed it was typical Martin fear of, well, everything. He never thought Daisy would actually hurt any of them. He applies a bandage carefully over the wound, and then turns his attention to Jon’s hand. Unwrapping the bandages reveals the red, blistered mess beneath, and Martin hisses in sympathy.

“Please tell me you went to the hospital for this.”

“I went to a walk-in clinic,” Jon says. “They cleaned it up, gave me some antibiotics and painkillers. They, uh, they did recommend I see my GP for follow up monitoring, and that I should get a referral to a physiotherapist, but, well, it’s been a busy few days.”

“Jon,” Martin sighs, exasperated, and Jon smiles a bit shakily.

“I know,” he says. “I will go to a GP, I promise. It’s just a bit tricky when you’re wanted for murder. Anyway, it seems to be healing rather well, all things considered.”

Martin considers whether to apply antibiotic cream, but the skin doesn’t seem to be broken, and he knows it’s best not to touch the area more than needed. Instead, he rewraps it with clean, dry bandages, being sure to keep them loose.

“How did this happen?” he asks, to distract himself from the fact that he is, technically, holding Jon’s hand. Jon gives a self-deprecating laugh.

“I, uh, I was trying to get information from a devotee of the Lightless Flame. This was her price.”

“The Lightless Flame? That cult—from the statements?”

“The same. As it turns out, a—a lot of things from the statements are real. Unpleasantly so.”

“I—yeah, I sort of figured that out when Tim and I got trapped in these weird corridors for days by that Michael...thing.”

Jon’s face blanches, his brows furrowing.

“You—god, Martin, I didn’t know. Are you—I mean, you’re okay, obviously, but— Have you seen Michael since?”

“No, and I hope I don’t.” Martin feels faintly nauseous at the memory. He doesn’t realize his hands are trembling slightly until the fingers of Jon’s hand, the unburned one, touch his wrist.

“I’m so sorry, Martin,” he says. “When I realized a-about Sasha, about that thing, I hoped I could take care of it myself, spare you and Tim. I never wanted to drag you into all this.”

“I don’t think there’s much avoiding it,” Martin mutters miserably. “And you didn’t seem to mind dragging Melanie into it, while you were on the lam.”

“I shouldn’t have asked her for help either. It wasn’t fair to put any of you in the position of aiding a suspected murderer.”

“I never believed you did it,” Martin tells him fiercely. “It just would have been nice to know you were okay, you know?”

“I know, and I’m sorry. I—I wanted to contact you, but it seemed too risky. I knew the police would be watching you, since we’re friends. Or—or at least friendly.”

Everyone I’ve talked to says you and him were close. Martin had been ridiculously pleased by the accusation at the time, and he feels the same now, with Jon’s injured hand cradled in both of his. Jon trusts Martin with his wounds, his vulnerability. Jon wanted to contact him; Jon thinks they’re friends.

“I—” Martin starts to say, and he doesn’t know if his next words will be I missed you or I worry about you or some humiliating romantic confession blurted out and impossible to take back. He draws a deep breath, and instead says: “I’m glad you’re back, and that you’re okay. I don’t have that many friends, I can’t afford to lose one.”

He says it like a joke, and mercifully, Jon takes it as one, and gives a relieved laugh. Martin realizes he’s long since finished bandaging the burn and is now just sort of...holding Jon’s hand; he releases it, reluctantly, and Jon smiles, lifting his other hand to touch the bandage on his throat.

“Thank you, Martin,” he says, hopping down from the desk. “I appreciate it, really.”

“As a token of your appreciation, you can go ahead and make a doctor’s appointment for that hand,” says Martin firmly, closing up the first aid kit.

“I will,” Jon says solemnly, and Martin believes him, but he’s also going to check in and remind him at the end of the day because Jon has a tendency to forget about trivial things like his own wellbeing. It’s just who he is, and Martin’s made his peace with it, like he’s made his peace with being utterly, hopelessly gone for Jonathan Sims.

“I was going to make some tea, if you fancy,” he says as he opens the door. “You look like you could use a cup.”

“Oh, yes, that would be lovely, thank you. Oh, and Martin?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m glad I’m back as well. I—” Jon hesitates a moment, then says: “I missed your tea.”

It’s not much of a declaration, but Martin understands what Jon means by it; for the two of them, it means a lot.

#the magnus archives #jonmartinweek2021 #tma #my fic #jonmartin #cw injury

317 notes · View notes

scribbledghost · 2 years

Text

Hi all. wildly tmi post beneath the cut but i gotta yell this into the void or i'm gonna explode.

i go in for my first ever pap smear/pelvic exam tomorrow. i know, i know, i'm WAY behind. I should've been getting them 6 years ago. but I didn't, because the idea of someone i don't know extremely well sticking things into my body makes me want to throw up.

anyway, i'm... terrified. I trust my doctor. Been seeing her for a while, and she's always very kind and understanding. She's never even pressured me to get a pap, just said "well, if you decide to start getting them, we can do it here in the office so you don't have to worry about the referral process for a gynecologist". so it's... it's not like i'm worried she'll hurt me or something. and i know, realistically, she won't be seeing anything she hasn't already seen already. i know realistically she won't even bat an eye and won't even think about it afterwards.

but i still can't stop thinking about it. i can't stop thinking about how wildly vulnerable I'm going to be, how i'll be able to feel every touch and scrape. and i'll spend the entire time wondering if it looks weird, if she can smell through her mask, when this will be over, etc. etc. I know i'll keep thinking about how, technically, someone i don't know that well is touching me there when i don't want them to (even though i obviously scheduled the appointment and know what it entails, so... idk you know what i mean).

idk. I have a headache.

#any advice on how to not be a big ol baby about this would be much appreciated #ghost.txt

10 notes · View notes

the-blackest-spider · 2 years

Text

Sorry I've been on the, quiet side this week. So Doctor follow up on my ER visit for my pinky led to a referral to an orthopedic surgeon but unfortunately they only come here once a week from Utah and I have NV Medicaid sooo the first appt available is January 20th, and even by some chance my pinky straightens out by then I still need to go so the orthopedic doctor can make sure it's healed/healing properly.

So that's where I am with that and basically the las 10 or so days of January are gonna be crazy, because of tooth stuff to, I broke my tooth all the way down to the bone and luckily I had back in 2014 gotten a root canal because otherwise I would have been in a whole fuckton of pain. They had fun pulling what was left (thought they were gonna have to pull out a jackhammer at one point) then rebuilt the part of the bone back up so it will be ready to set it up for me to get an implant and I'm going back to begin that process the 26th of January. So yep funtimes.

This weekend and coming week I'm probably going to not be around, Monday my Dad, my cousin (obviously the one I do like) and his wife and me are going to Vegas to this winter light thing and then out to eat to celebrate my birthday (which is Wednesday) and my cousin and cousin in law's b-days that were last week. Then there's Christmas eve and Christmas day (which I may be around at some point at least to say hi) and between now and Friday gotta deliver gifts and all that fun stuff.

But as always don't hesitate to drop me a message on here or over on Discord (tho the app has been acting weird for me) and if I don't see ya'll I hope you have a Happy Solstice and or a Merry Christmas this coming week.

#medical tw #dentist tw #widow ooc (cat speaks)#mobile widow

8 notes · View notes

tams-writeblr · 3 years

Text

Once I’m gone

Rating: M(ature) Warnings: major character death Category: F/M (main couple), Multi (side characters) Fandom: Attack on Titan / Shingeki no Kyojin Relationship: Mikasa Ackermann / Eren Jaeger | various side couples Characters: Eren Jaeger, Mikasa Ackermann, Armin Arlelt, Zeke Jaeger, Hange Zoe, Floch Forster, Ymir, Reiner Braun, Pieck Finger, Historia Reiss, several others will make a cameo Additional Tags: Modern AU | established relationship | toxic behaviour | Eren suffers from Huntington’s disease and tries to settle his matters before he dies | suicial blockhead Eren | aged up characters (by ten years) | suicide tw | depression tw | mental diseases tw | deathly diseases tw | this is clearly not write what you know, but I’m giving my very best to representate the topics as good as I can | this all basically came to me as a fever dream | you remember Thirteen from House, M.D.? I still have a huge crush on her so this version of Eren is greatly inspired by her <3 Language: English (not native, I’m trying my best you guys) Stats: ongoing - Chapter 2/15 - Part 1/3 - 1016 of 2811 words Summary: Eren Jaeger knew for years that he inherited Huntington’s disease from his late mother. When he first notices symptoms on him, his long protected plan, to end his life before reaching the critical state of his illness, awakes. But there is still Mikasa, his girlfriend and the only person in the world he cares about more than about himself, and he can’t leave her alone and grieving. It’s time to find a substitute for when Eren is gone. With the help of a new friend Eren tries to scare away Mikasa while driving her into the arms of someone new.

__________________________________________________

His brother, the psychologist - Part 1/3

<<previous

“Behave yourself”, she had told him when he left the house. When he came back, she would be away for the night shift. Behave, what was she thinking? That he would jump at the other participants of the group therapy's throats?

With his hands deeply buried in his pockets Eren walked past the well known Streets of his home town. He grew up here, only a few blocks away from their current apartment was the school he attended. He knew stories about every house, every pothole reminded him of something. Memories that had formed his personality to be who he was today. What was a person without memories? His mother had eventually become an empty shell that had no resemblance with the loving person that she used to be. He didn’t want to be an empty shell and if he needed therapy because of it, he wondered who was the crazier one, him or his doctors.

He reached his destination, a six-story high old building with crumbling stucco around the windows. The modern full glass front door, that opened with a simple pull, didn’t fit in with the rest of the fassade. Reluctantly Eren entered the building - no lift, splendid!

When he reached the fourth floor, his pulse was beating heavily within his carotid. He already was in better shape before. With a quick look at his watch he noticed that he was several minutes too late. He still pushed the door saying “Dr. Zeke Jäger - conversational therapy” with an obviousness open that was looking for their equal.

When he had heard a vivid voice talking from inside, so did they fall quiet the second the new arrival stood iffley under the doorframe.

“Eren, what a surprise”, Zeke blandly stated and rose from his chair. He placed his clipboard behind him and did some steps towards his younger brother.

At first glance nobody would have known that the two men could be brothers. While Eren was a dark type, Zeke had short, blond hair, wore round glasses and a thick full beard. Looking twice, one might notice that they had the same eyes.

Before Zeke could come too close towards his brother, Eren reached out his right hand holding the letter of referral from Dr. Hans. “My doctor is sending me. They’re afraid I might shoot a bullet through my brain.”

With surprise Zeke took the completely wrinkly letter from his hand. “I already told you several times, that you are always welcome here. You still could have given me a short call beforehand.”

Eren rolled his eyes. “I’ll just get that chair there in the back?” It wasn’t a real question since he crossed the room with long steps without waiting for an answer, getting a chair from the furthest corner and simply placing it between two other chairs in their ridiculously typical circle. He sat down between two blondes, one massive man with the hint of a beard and rigid face and one… well, what did we have there? Through his chin long blond hair, he couldn’t make out their features.

“Well”, Zeke said with a low sigh. “As you can see, we seem to have a new face between us. That’s Eren, he”, he sighed, loud and theatrical this time. “is my little brother. Would you like to introduce yourself to the group first?”

“I’m good, I’ll listen to what the others have to say at first.” Eren’s eyes wandered over the faces of the attendees. Across from him sat a dark haired woman with heavy freckles and ennerved features, then there was the empty chair with Zeke’s clipboard and on her other side sat another dark haired woman on whose chair crutches were leaning. On the very first glance none of them looked like they needed treatment from Zeke, except for maybe the Bull besides him.

Zeke returned to his place and brushed sighing with thumb and pointer over his full eyebrows. “Okay, then each in turn - Reiner, you’re first.”

Reiner was the bull besides Eren. He told about an operation as a soldier in Mali, an exploding pickup. He was hurled twenty meters through the air but stayed unharmed as if through a miracle. When he crawled back to the pickup to look after his comrades, they all were dead. Since then again and again he asked why he stayed unharmed. To be honest Eren did the same when he watched the mountain of muscle crying for several seconds.

“It’s good that you can let your feelings out by now, Reiner”, Zeke praised him after a moment of silence. Oh yeah, his dear brother, the psychologist.

The woman next to Reiner gave him a box of tissues from the floor. Then Zeke ordered her to introduce herself. Her name was Pieck Finger and she was suffering from multiple sclerosis. At first Eren thought he could have found someone that could understand him, the prospects for this disease weren’t that great either. But Pieck was simply the happiest and most positive person, he had met in a long time. When she raved enthusiastically about being able to tie her shoes alone again after getting a new medication, Eren would have loved to throw up.

After Pieck Zeke gave the floor to the woman on his right, her Name was Ymir. She had a brain tumor - inoperable. “I can drop dead any time, I don’t even know why to get out of bed in the morning anymore.” She wasn’t a woman of large words. Eren like that.

Finally Zeke turned to the person on Eren’s left. The hair had hidden away the face for the whole time while they stared to the ground like crazy.

“Armin, you were interrupted talking when Eren arrived. Would you now please tell your story?”

So it was a guy, infelicitous hairdo.

Armin slowly raised his head, piercing blue eyes stared at the wall opposite him. “My name is Armin Arlelt and I've been coming here for three weeks. Back than I was released from a mental clinic because I tried for the third time to commit suicide.”

>>next

__________________________________________________ Author’s Note: Sorry if this part is full of faults, I didn’t really correct read it as much as chapter one. And I don’t have much to say to this part. The next part could be triggering for some you so please add your approbriate tw into the ban!

10 notes · View notes