#and some of this stuff i dont think im actually being dramatic about because its really not fine

[astranite]

--whiney rant and vent--- starts at tumblr but descends into my life.

Fucking tumblr!! *grabs tumblr and aggressively shakes it*

Some new hell update has made it so every time I reblog a post, i go right back to the top of my dash and have to scroll half a mile through the posts Ive already seen to get back to the ones i havent yet seen and want to see!! And even with the scroll bar it takes ages and breaks the loading and makes it nearly genuinely unusable!!!

But Im still going to even though it sucks, because tumblr is my designated scroll and look at characters time and be with mutuals. And yes this is a very small whiny thing to rant about, especially given the state of the damn world, but with the rest of my life imploding in many numbered crisises that even one of would be apparently considered a fairly major thing to have to deal with im now realsising because through massive amounts of avoidance id just gone "this is fine" despite being very reasonably banned from the word fine by 5 different people and then me, and then others going 'wow that really is alot' semihorrified, and I awkwardly laugh because i am used to this and its not that bad and whatever stupid shit i tell myself to keep going.

So yes, whining about tumblr because at this point its a load bearing coping mechanism. And its somewhat a last straw because i am barely hanging on as it is but ill deal with this like everything else because there isnt any other options.

#astra stuff #ill survive this i just got to be dramatic about it first #and some of this stuff i dont think im actually being dramatic about because its really not fine #yknow the stressed and terrified with the whole trying to move out and figuring out how possibly can i because at this point i really need #chronic illnesses being chronic annoyingly #trying to hold everyone together and then myself too #dumb panic attacks because im on a hair thin trigger but shrugging them off halfway through because i dont have time nor energy for this #the whole fucking cpstd thing which apparently psychologists dont hand out like halloween candy #so there really is a problem here given meeting the diagnostic critera #and what happened to me being just so incredibly Fine! #you can probably at this point see exactly the reason why i write scott like i do #okay apparently more dumb rant in the tags #and im getting really sick of the goverment social whatever services fucking hold music #plus the daily attempt convince my stupid emotions that nooo everyone does not despise me in particular that doesnt even make logical sense #ugh #cant exactly say im fine but i am getting help for what i can

[thursdayg1rl]

need to stop wasting all of my time thinking about every single wsy my life could hsve been different instead of preparing for my interview

#i looked in the mirror yesterdya and im literally pretty and i felt actually sick to my stomach. #her and her daughter mdfe me feel like a was some kind fo monster who shouldnt be allowed to go out in public #bc of how 'ugly' i was at like. 14? 15? i was literally starving myself like for what. what a waste... #actually makes me want to kms this is such a stupid thing to be so sad about #idk. i feel like thats why i dont consider myself like a woman or girl before anything else #obv its important for everyone to realise that being beautiful literally doesnt make a difference and isnt indicative of a persons worth bu #i think it would have been an easier pill to swallow if i approached it from the other side instead of it being necessary bc i hated myself #anyways ive been thinking about stupid stuff like this because its beginning to feel like i'll never be able to leave this place #i feel like i will die in this room honestly #i know it sounds so dramatic but consider i am not allowed to go anywhere exceot school and then back here again and again #dangerous thinking i think. i need to believe i can leave bc realistically its 6 months to exams and then the summer #i hope once i am out i wont need to come back here again

[c1oud999]

hi

i just wanted to come on here and talk about my experience with spirituality. warning: longggg post ahead.

basically ive been in the spiritual community for YEARS now. ive had existential crisis since the age of 11 and ive gone through many phases of many different spiritual trends. from law of attraction, to witchcraft, to religious devotion, to law of assumption and now finally non dualism. i read books, meditated for hours and hours, talked to spiritual ppl from all walks of life and watched all the episodes of ganga upanishad (a show i still highly recommend, you can watch on youtube). all this childhood trauma and mental illness made me crave for sweet relief. but nothing really made sense until law of assumption. i thought that that would be it yk. i thought i was done searching but i think that was when i was searching for things the most. i do know i have it in my 4d, when will i see it? i thought i would get all my desires but did not meet success. and then the non dualism trend began and i hopped onto it like pretty much everyone else. i was bewildered at the stuff teachers kept saying. what do you mean everything's an illusion? there's no way that's true. my very real surroundings are causing me VERY real pain and suffering. oh no no there must be a deeper meaning behind all this. and so i read all the books in 4dbarbies drive, but nothing clicked. yes it made sense intellectually, but i didnt want to believe it bc where is the materialisation satisfaction here? also i felt none of the euphoria that was supposed to come with self realisation. which means i must not be a realised being. and then i cried and cried and cried, isolated myself, literally stopped going to school and just lay in bed all day. but ofc, i continued to read the tumblr posts like i had been doing for the past several years. and yesterday i read 4dkelly's post about giving up. it made sense. by the time i had finished reading the post i had truly given up on everything. on wanting, hoping, fearing, striving etc etc. i was SO tired. so i gave up. fell asleep. i woke up really late as usual and missed the school bus. i ate breakfast in silence, switched the tv on and lied down on the couch like always. and like always out of compulsion and force of habit i reached for my phone and looked up non dualism on twitter. and then i came across a tweet that said a simple sentence only- "nothing is ever actually happening." woah. that kinda drove me to the edge of the cliff i desperately wanted to jump off. i turned on some dnb background music and turned the shower on. i stood under the boiling hot water like some dramatic bitch and started piecing together the "puzzle". it all made so much sense now. i got out of the shower and left the house for the first time in months with a cute outfit and makeup on and everything. i went to the mall, bought candles, stickers, eye masks, coffee, and a doughnut with absolutely no social anxiety at all. i sat by window, read some poetry on my e-reader, cried, peered down at the floor below me and cried some more at the sight of little kids sitting on santa's lap and taking pictures and marveled at all the christmas decorations around me. it was insane. i decided i was going to be neutral towards everything but im in love. maddeningly so. in love with this dream that i thought did not love me back. but love is all there is. I AM ALL THERE IS. and i need you to take this literally. there is nothing happening. there is nothing here except you. nothing to fear, nothing to desire. ik a lot of people are going to dismiss this post because it's not a "materialisation success story" but i honestly dont think i can ever want anything physically bc in all its true essence, what is there to materialise? i am already whole and complete. i am lying on this cold hard floor, but i have never felt warmer. also ik there may be a lot of things ive written you might not agree with but again, this is NOT REAL. I AM. i hope this post helps you.

thank you to all the blogs ive come across and all the pointers they have shared: @se1f @realisophie @itgomyway @4dkellysworld @4dbarbie-backup @infiniteko @iamthat-iam and many more i cannot thank enough.

lots and lots of love (more than you can ever imagine), and good luck.

#nondualism #consciousness #advaita vedanta #awareness #advaita #non duality #law of assumption #manifestation #manifesting #neville goddard

[blitzxiiru]

I loooooooove your future 2012 AU of the boys. They all look so badass and cool but still them and its so GOOD. I wanna consume them.

I also had some questions if thats okay? What happened to Leo's leg? Did his knee injury gradually get worse and he was like "lol im gonna cut it off" or did he get reinjured in that spot and that was basically the end of the entire leg? Also how old are they in this AU? I know they are supposed to be adults but like in their 20s? I'm just wondering cause their character sheets dont have ages. ALSO LEO BEING THE SHORTEST MADE MY ENTIRE LIFE. (Props to Mikey for finally gaining some height). And I LOVE Donnie's long ass bandana tails, he looks so cool but so dramatic with them its great. Anyway thank you for your time and this beautiful AU!

AIHDDJHDJD THANK YOU SO MUCH IM HAPPY THAT YOU ENJOY THE FUTURE 12 GREMLINS. as traumatised as they are, they’ve worked through it despite some really rough patches. they definitely still have their bad days and nightmares, but they’ve learned to grow together and help each other through those bad times. they’ve changed and grown in their own way ofc, but they needed to relive the teenage years that they’ve lost, that’s why they’re still somewhat themselves in my au :)

LEO’S LEG

it’s actually a mix of both! leo kept pressuring his knee and over the years it gradually became worse — since he kept pushing his knee beyond it’s limits it keeps getting re-injured. the final straw was him snapping his knee again (completely this time) during a nasty fight and had to chop it off. the phantom pains he gets from his missing limb is… horrible, to say the least.

(BUT THAT FIRST SCENARIO YOU MENTIONED WOULD BE SO FUNNY THOUGH. imagine leo waking up one day and going, “oh wow. this knee injury hurts really bad, maybe i should chop it off. lol im actually gonna do it.” cue him barging into donnies lab like “DONNIE. I DEMAND YOU CUT MY LEG OFF” “WHAT?!” “CUT MY LEG OFF IT HURTS” “OF COURSE IT HURTS WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOU’RE THE ONE WHO KEEPS INSISTING THAT YOU SHOULD ‘TRAIN’ IT.” “yeah but i think my blood circulation isnt working look my leg is pale” “WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK LEO” and boom. leg no more.)

AGES

they should be around their late 20s in this au, i hc that for every season of the show they age one year. so at the start they were like 15, and the show had 5 seasons (granted s5 was a bit messy and was full of aus and past flashbacks, but there was that demodragon arc and stuff) so they would be 20 at the end of the show. specifically they’re like 28 :) they are kinda old but hey at least they don’t have to pay taxes in the sewers…

HEIGHT PROBLEMS

oh god, when raph suddenly had a growth spurt it was horrible for leo. he was relentlessly being teased every single day and raph would NOT let off. and then when MIKEY hit being 1cm taller than leo, the teasing fucking doubled and he was downright miserable. they kept growing while leo was barely getting any height. he’s still their sensei though — and he makes them do extra training as punishment for the relentless teasing :) donnie doesn’t join in on the teasing (sometimes he does) but he does snicker when raph and mikey make jokes about leo’s height. it’s funnier for him because he’s been the tallest out of all of them since day one.

MORE ABOUT DONNIE

and yessss i loved designing donnie! since he was tall everything about his design had to compensate for his height so i figured long mask tails and a long lab coat would do the trick. his brothers were concerned over him tripping on his mask tails but he hasn’t, not even ONCE. he is one graceful, careful boy. he braids it or ties it into a bow whenever he does lab work so it doesn’t accidentally slip into one of his chemicals somehow. sometimes he lets mikey do it for him :)

thank you for the questions anon!!! these were super fun to answer and i hope it helped clarify a little more about the au :))

#tmnt #tmnt 2012 #tmnt 2k12 #teenage mutant ninja turtles #2012 leo #2012 raph #2012 donnie #2012 mikey #leonardo tmnt #raphael tmnt #donatello tmnt #michelangelo tmnt #headcannons!! #future! 12 tmnt #future!au #blitz talks gibberish #asks

[jjunsolos]

LET ME IN! - love songs

synopsis - jeon yn is a mysterious human being. people only know her as “kazuhas silent buddy”. this makes beomgyu curious. curious enough to try and befriend yn himself. if only she wasnt so stubborn…

warnings - written, mentions of food, they kiss, nothing else i think. but ofcc lmk if im wrong🙏🏽

wc - 869

prev. | m.list | next.

and just like he said, he was there before you knew it.

a smile grew on your face when you stepped out of your car, something about the sight of beomgyu patiently waiting by your door brings some sort of happiness to you. slamming the car door, you quickly make your way to the man and by then hes already looking at you.

“hey you..” beomgyu says with a smile, putting the phone that was currently in his hand into his pocket. your smile stays still. maybe even growing a bit as you admire the handsome man in front of you.

“you know, if you wanted to kidnap me then you could have just told me.”

he acts offended as a wave of laughter comes out of you.

“ignoring THAT,” he starts “i actually wanted to take you out! school has been making you busy lately so as your favorite beomgyu, i will take you out today!!”

when beomgyu finishes his sentence with a wide smile, you knew you were in love. you werent gonna deny his request. you obviously werent gonna deny his request. who would ever deny his request??

“well then, lead the way”

and with that, you both hop into your car. beomgyu driving, you being his passenger princess.

four hours has passed and youre still in the car. the only thing thats changed is the mcdonalds bag thats in your lap right now. as you stuff fries into your mouth, you begin to realize that you and beomgyu never really left the car. youve been driving around, singing along to beomgyus liked playlist on spotify as you go from one fast food place to another. the wingstop and burger king bags in the back serve as evidence.

“where exactly are we going, beomgyu?” a smile appears on beomgyus face.

“what time is it?” you check.

“9:50”

“a few more minutes and we’ll be there” he replies. you groan dramatically. but whats not dramatic is the pain your ass is feeling from sitting for 4 hours.

“but beomgyuuuuuu” you whine like a child. he just smiles and turns up the music. ‘love songs’ by kaash paige is on and beomgyu is humming along to the chorus.

“a little longer, yn..”

10 minutes later, beomgyu pulls up to a park.

“here we are!” he exclaims once he steps out of the car. in the middle of your stretching, you turn slightly to the right to take a good look at the park beomgyu has taken you to. and thats when your jaw drops. not because of shock, but of disbelief.

“beomgyu..”

“yeah?”

“we drove around for 4 hours.. just for you to take us to a park thats 4 minutes away from my house?” thats when you turn to beomgyu, only to see him smiling like an idiot.

“yup!” he opens the trunk, grabbing something while you still cant believe whats happening right now.

“BUT- BUT,” you point to the park, “IF YOU WANTED TO COME TO THE PARK WE COULDVE JUST WALKED!” you exclaim. beomgyu looks as unamused as ever as he closes the trunk, turning to face you.

“so… you gonna take my hand or what?” he holds his hand out in front of you while you glare down at it.

“…youre lucky your hands are soft.” you grumble before slapping your hand into his. and thats when beomgyu starts taking off with your hand in his, and a blanket under his arm.

when beomgyu asked you to hang out with him earlier today, you expected a few things. maybe a car crash, you both arguing. maybe beomgyu breaking your car? you wouldve never guessed that beomgyu would bring you to an empty field for you both to watch the stars after filling your tummy with fast food. you dont mind it though. oh no. quite the opposite.

“that ones pretty, no? it shining really bright.” beomgyu says lightly, his right arm raising to point at the star he finds pretty. you turn to beomgyu, admiring his side profile for a while.

“like you…” now its beomgyus turn to look at you. he just stares for a while. tons of thoughts running through his head. were you being serious? do you have feelings for him? do you know how beauiful YOU are?

beomgyu stays gazing into your eyes, the stars long forgotten. never looking away, you scoot closer and your eyes shift down to his lips.

“thank you, beomgyu”

“for what?”

“for this.”

and then your lips reunite. passion, desire, want is shown in the kiss. the way your hand slowly reaches to beomgyus neck while his linger on your waist, thumb caressing your side. your lips meet and separate. like a pattern. touch, separate, touch, separate. and it continues like this until the air in your lungs is low.

“i really like you beomgyu. i tried.. so hard not to fall for you. but youre too good to me. youre to good to give up on.” you say all while stating into beomgyus dark eyes that have tears in them.

“im sorry, im so sorry for taking so long. you wont regret this, i promise.”

a giggle leaves your mouth.

“you promise?”

“i PROMISE.”

taglist [open] - (bold = couldnt mention)

@forever-in-the-sky2 @londonchuu @erin-calling @boomboomcat @itzxvaxella @letapostropheesgo @captivq @curly-fr13s @strawbrinkofdeath @ukitouu @ineedaherosavemeenow @wonioml @enhapocketz @ghostfacefricker6969 @kpoprhia @softcabur @ch-choerry @faelyncore @emohazuzworld @zuzu-the-simp @luvsoobs @heyanonymous123 @browniestraykidshiteu @lqbeorecs @lmaonada @aernx @il0vebeomgyu @ja4hyvn @chaeey @mangobee @cryingforgyu @dilfjk @rikislady @ahnneyong @marshmelle @l0ve-joy @minkyungseokie @pussyslayerhd @flrtsbin @soobsfairy444 @sofia-rom @iikyomii @choi-beomgyulvr @moa4lifeee @acidicloveee @txtmetonight @sam-andher-tales @rainbowszi @jype2papi @cha0thicpisces @imsiriuslyreal @soobs-things @cho8beomie

author’s note - im so srry for taking a whole month to finish this chapter😪 im a lazy person

#jjunsolos #txt #txt ff #beomgyu #kang taehyun #huening kai #soobin #yeonjun #txt post #txt smau #my txt #txt fluff #txt beomgyu #beomgyu txt #txt social media au #txt x reader #beomgyu ff #beomgyu fluff #beomgyu imagines #beomgyu fanfic #beomgyu fic #choi beomgyu #beomgyu scenarios #beomgyu smau #beomgyu social media au #beomgyu series #tomorrow by together imagine #tomorrow by together #tomorrow x together #beomgyu soft hours

[monpalace]

Okok, so my brain is not working with writing rn BUT i will finish that “reader and time pinning” thing that i was doing I PROMISE

BUT for now imma just share some thoughts of Time because he is THE LOVE OF MY LIFE AND I NEED TO RANT ABOUT HIM

*ahem*

Ive said before (on my blog) that Time uses really old and kinda cringey petnames because 1, he genuinely loves them and 2, because he LOVES making the boys squirm in second hand embarrassment. SO, have a few more of those nicknames :D -> snookums, sugarplum, baby cakes, muffin, foxy, and toots

Young time (like teenage/young adult) was an absolute bastard BUT when he falls in love with someone, he is an absolute sweet heart! Think the ‘i hate everyone but you’ trope :3

Young! Time did not know romance AT ALL! That boy was raised by a tree and a bunch if spirit kids, he has know idea what a ‘date’ is. This leads to him just acting the same around his crush but being a little nicer to them

Is then very confused as to why they dont know that he likes them. “It was so obvious? I gave you a piece of my apple pie! I was so clear with my signs 🙄🙄”

He THEN reads all the romance novels he can get his hands on (legally and illegally) just so he can impress them! Completely misunderstood everything and now he just has to straight up tell them, cause how their hair is on fire…somehow

(Modern) Time is totally the type of guy that ‘doesn’t like drama shows’ but if his lover was watching one, he’d stand behind the couch and watch. But when his lover offers to move so he can sit hes like ‘no, im not even watching it. I was just bored’ and the proceeds to watch the next 3 episodes while standing.

(Modern) Time has a leather jacket that he LOVES!! Like he will cut someone for that thing, do not fuck with it. No one is aloud to wear it expect him….And his crush/lover but SHUSH!

Time enjoys polishing his armour/sword while you read a book out aloud. You both find it rather relaxing. Until something dramatic/a polt twists happens, all if the sudden the armour/sword is dropped to the side as Time is BAFFLED by this. “They killed Aaron?! Wh-what? Why!? He was the best choice for Max!” (Hes so invested, his duties are now discarded until you two finish this chapter)

I wanna do more but this is kinda chunky :3

I love dis man so much 🫶🫶

THE WAY I PHYSICALLY AND VERBALLY CRINGED AT FOXY??? bro's the type to say "hey foxy mama" when you walk into a room unironically, he literally has no shame whatsoever whenever someone points out how dated that sounds to

time would fit the secret admirer trope so well though? but he wouldn't even be secret about it?? the lon lon sisters def gave him the advice to "just be himself" and that gave him the idea to take stuff from his woodland-spirit background

"link, why is my house filled with flowers from floor to ceiling."

"that's not a declaration of adoration here? huh."

AND HIM TAKING THE ROMANCE BOOKS? personally, i feel like he's the type to sneak into the library when (supposedly) nobodies looking and just taking whatever he can carry before sneaking back out-- but in actuality it's just that nobody cares

someone asked zelda if he was allowed to take the books because they've been coming back in a damaged state (it's not bad, but while he's workshopping how he's gonna bring words to reality, he messes up a little) and she just says its fine so long as he isn't committing crimes with them (which he has done. several times. no one knows)

ofc there are questions as to WHY he's taking the romance books specifically, but the guards and librarians just chalk it up to him entering his weird boy phase ™️ and not because he has an interest in somebody because him?? having a love interest before half the other people in the castle??? Nah.

you catch modern! time watching a (raunchy) reality show once (like love island, or jersey shore-- maybe even teen mom) and he swears up, down, to the golden three, and to the sand goddess that he just kept it on for noise and that he's paying all his attention to his work even though you caught him ON VIDEO having the most expressive reactions to certain moments

BUT THE LEATHER JACKET ONE?? someone walks up to you while you're wearing it (your relationship with time isn't common knowledge yet) and they make a joke about him burying them alive if they mess it up-- no less just because you're wearing it.

time pops up out of literal thin air making excuses that you were cold (you were not), he was hot and didn't feel like carrying it (his goosebumps say otherwise), he thought there was a tear and he wanted to try and fix it (.. yeah, okay.), he only gave it to you because you said it would go with your outfit (that is not the only reason he'd give it to you), and everything else just to try to hide the fact that he's soft

(also, bonus points if you made it??? now not even the goddesses could touch it. he's about three seconds away from giving into the inner ferality of his childhood self and biting someone if they even look at it)

but tell me why i just imagine time getting ready to like, get in a fight or something, you read something so earth-shatteringly shocking in the book, and he's immediately like "the battle can wait. [opponent] was gonna lose anyways. we have to figure out what the devil is about to happen"

i'm literally scooping ur brain from ur skull, putting it on a table, and i'm gonna examine it for the rest of ur ideas mwah

#the palace answers #stargazing in the palace #loz x reader #legend of zelda x reader #lu x reader #linked universe x reader #loz link x reader #legend of zelda link x reader #time x reader #linked universe time x reader #lu time x reader #loz time x reader #legend of zelda time x reader

[beatcroc]

Okay I finally generated an ask for you!!!!

What is your favourite genre of music? Or if you don't know how to categorize the music you listen to (like me), what is your favourite song? Or band? Or album? Something like that.

ohhhhh #1 question i am categorically incapable of being normal about <3

i typically just define my favorite music as "loud" or "aggressive" or "abrasive" bc most stuff that fits those descriptors will be in my faves regardless of the genre.

a more specific answer is that there are 3 main things i've noticed that will typically make me go apeshit without fail and they are: 1. hardstyle/gabber/industrial hardcore- sorta basskick 2. sickass metal guitar shredding 3. huge dramatic grandiose orchestral

if something has 1 of these i will probably like it, if it has 2 it will be a top fave, and all 3.... well i have yet to find it yet but im sure i will Ascend. here are examples of said top fave combos.

laur covers hardstyle+orchestral and i Cannot Get Enough of his shit man it goes so fucking crazy hard

metal+orchestral is unquestionably ruled by nightwish, but theyre not on bandcamp and i dont feel like finding other links so this one goes to the still-very-fucking-awesome runner-up, POWERWOLF

riikira and rabbitjunk hit metal+hardstyle, though it's less strictly hardstyle and more just general hardcore* electronica. if its got crazy amens its enough who cares. i put the ones that use actual kicks for the sake of illustrating the point here but these tracks are both pretty far from my faves from each lmao *hardcore referring to hardcore [edm] in this case, even though the genre these belong to is called "digital hardcore", which instead refers to hardcore [punk]. it's a mess out here. did you know theres two completely different things called doomcore where one is derived from metal and the other is derived from hardcore. and you never know which itsd going to be when you click on something in the doomcore tag. im dying squirtle

anyway on the other side of the hardstyle+metal combo is kobaryo [with his alias blaxervant], who's much more about the hardcore side of things and just has the metal as flair, but it is still: the best shit ever

laur also on occasion hits this side of hardstyle+metal becaue he just likes using whatever the fuck instruments

there are of course many other things i love a lot, primary examples being ambient/atmospheric, folk, and anything with a lot of Texture. im not gonna get into all that but i do have an extended list of faves/recs from the last time i was asked about this and went insane abt it. it took forever to make and my actual recs are not entirely the same as my Faves so im putting it on here too.

i keep these curated to the top of my bandcamp profile so they're the first things that display there. it's a bit old by now and some have since been shuffled out, but it's still like 80% accurate.

as for the actual recs: the angel's message is there because it's my fave brand of intense and chaotic stuff and want it to kill you full force. it already has some tracks up there so im not re-linking it

this one i recommend just because i think it's really interesting and out there and i'm curious what other people think of this sort of stuff. it's also the prime example of what i mean when i talk about Textures in music.

wolfgun is an actual rec for being genuinely just really good music. probably the most objectively cool/platonically enjoyable thing in my library

#i could keep going. u kno. forever. i didnt even touch on harsh noise #noise falls under hardstyle AND ambient AND Textures to me but its also its own thing depending on the approach #by the by i also have @bassgator on here for music sharing but i keep falling out of using it #also i always reblog stuff from there to here to add comments anyway #edit: changed the powerwolf track bc the first one wasnt working. rip 'venom of venus' you can go get it on youtube or something

[stinkymoldman]

What is your dream fic? For scientific purposes

Well, if we are talking about twilight, I really love “bella with a backbone”, rather than her being super timid and shy like she is in canon. I love when writers give her confidence and she’s unapologetic about what she wants. I read fanfiction to get something different than what the original story gave (which is why i love twilight fanfiction so much, the original story is so bad, that any fic is usually a thousand times better), i dont want Bella to be a shy little lamb like she is in the books. Rosella is my fav pairing, and I really love when Rosalie actually realizes and accepts the bond right away, rather than being all dramatic because she hates being a vampire and doesn’t want to turn bella. I want her to actually pursue bella, like she actually likes and wants her, rather than acting like she hates bella to push away, which is what most people write. I want them to be affectionate with each other, all that cute mushy stuff. And i want them together pretty early into the fic. Im not a fan of slow burns. I like instant gratification. I dont mind conflict, because all fluff all the time can get a little dull, but I want conflicts to be resolved in a timely manner. Some people drag things out in their stories, and it always frustrates me. I also like when bella is already supernatural/becomes supernatural in some way that isnt as a vampire. I always think that’s interesting to read. Like the cullens try to figure out what she is? So mysterious lol. But yeah, Rosalie actually trying to woo bella, maybe bella plays a little hard to get, but she’s confident and she wants to be with Rosalie too. Thats my dream fic. I also wouldn’t turn down smut, but its not mandatory.

#breaking dawn #eclipse #new moon #twilight #rosalie hale #bella swan #rosalie x bella #bella x rosalie #rosella #fanfiction #fanfic #twilight fandom #twilight fanfiction

[silliest-heartaches]

I saw your Errorink headcanons

How do you think they would get along? (Because y'know, he destroys, he protects)

tbh aside from input from the creators that they would be canon friends (IN MY DREAMS) i have a lot of thoughts on why they would make great friends actually:

First of all, there is the idea that they have to make peace with the innevitability that regardless of what they do or how they feel about creation or destruction respectively, the balance will keep itself going purely because thats how creation and destruction of fanprojects irl work!! no amount of encouragemnt from ink or pestering from error are ever going to truly eradicate/permanently keep the growth of creations and aus in the multiverse!! I like to imagine its the same kind of silliness that good omens has (ie angel/demon being friends and maybe lovers just having the oppositr kinda jobs) except they both actually enjoy their jobs lol

I also like to think that the way they view the multiverse is not so black and white as they first may appear!! We already know that error DOES have aus that hes fond of and will not destroy bc he has a certain attachment to it, making us see that he isnt just some mindless killer who destroys for the sake of destroying (i forgot what his actual reason was aside from the anomaly stuff so in my head its bc all the multiverses mess with his code and overload his system which is why he hates anomalies sm ((including original ut funnily enough? Bc ig thats why his suffering happened in the first place (to me at least))) he is just selfish and wants everyone else to adjust to his comfort

For ink, he also views pretty much everything else aside from him as characters, and is thus not as connected to them as you may think. The reasons on why he protects these aus is kind of selfish (to refill his vials + the satisfaction of feeling like a real living being But More compared to other characters within their own universes) despite the good guy facade he tries to make himself have hes also inherrently selfish with his reasonings on why he wants to protect the aus in the first place

(i also wanna say that alongside all of what im saying ink genuinely does hold a lot of love for the aus and has a lot of fondness for certain characters aus etc, but it is very much in a fiction vs reality sorta way, bc thats how he views himself vs every one else)

except error. (well. sort of. but it kinda goes both ways. hes close enough)

tldr despite feeling that they are above it all and seperate from the aus and characters that they create (canon info for both i think) i think they can (and do) acknowlege that the world is bigger than them both despite those feelings and find themselves kindred spirits in the sense that their views and pov of the world is very similar on a base level and see eachother as equals because of it (something i dont really see personally with p much every other sans)

like yes other sanses and characters can be aware of and have beef with the multiverse in whatever way they can but none will ever be as innherently connected to the multiverse and what created them as much as error and ink do,,,bc to most everyone else, it is simply a part of their lives to move through aus with, comapred to errorink having the aus be their reason for existing and acting (the other guys drama being centered around different things much smaller in scale compared to error and inks whole deal being with the entire multiverse as it exists if im making sense)

also also theyre both described as immature and insecure so. i think they can have a lot of fun having childish banter thats cute and for the funsies (both dramatic jokey guys please hear me out)

#feysanity #sorry if i explained it badly 😭😭 #whatever all u need to get is that i think opposites attract is neat #and the existentialism of their world being so incredibly vast but never being able to truly fully and completely comprehend it real #i like to think that they bond over the aus that they both do like #and also appreciate the calm emptiness that comes within the void as well :> #I like them so much if u cant tell and their relationship is so captivating to me #ITS HARD TO PUT INTO WORDS BC ITS REALLY COMPLICATED THOUGH 😭😭 #thank you for asking though :>> #errorink

[iron-sides]

HI HELLO i have One small request, could you give me some desertduo fic recs? (like besides yours bc i just all of yours and it made me even Worse) im Unwell abt them

ok i assume u mean like in the life series since all my desertduo fics are life series but !!! i will also be suggesting grand opening of our hearts by @funkily just because well . its sweet i love gay people and fake dating what can i say ?

anyway here are some of my favs !! um heads up every fic i link you today most likely will be at least a little bit slash are because altho the romance isnt what interests me wrt desertduo it is like. very integral to my interpretation of their dynamic as tumblr user mcyt once said. they fucked in that cactus ring. also im sorting these into two categories namely works that make me crazyyy and man that fic sure is fun :) <- lying

works that make me crazyyy: (stuff that indirectly or otherwise inspired my own takes on these fuckers, iirc theyre all canon compliant or the canon setting) um . all of these come with a blanket warning for the canonical end of third life taken to its dramatic saddest including the fight in the cactus ring and grian killing himself, even if none of these per se involve anyone actually permanently dying they definitely get dark 👍 read the tags lol

fireworks exploding in the distance (this writer is just really good in general (altho i couldnt find a tumblr sadly) but this is my favorite lol) its soooooo well um yousee. scarian and grians resistance or otherwise to being touched (explodes)

when the tether snaps the anchor sinks by @eeriefeelingsat3amuwu listen dl!desert duo is sooo interesting to me and i just think this is a really interesting exploration of what the fuck is wrong with them

ashes by @raichett is like ok so first off this whole series is great im user subbed to this author but 2 im so obsessed w this fic i think about it constantly likeee. grian and guilt is such an interesting sort of Thing to me right like he does all this stuff and then he feels sooo guilty . and then he does it again anyway. i want to study him anyway !!! great fic :)

now okay so @sparxwrites sparxwrites is a rec as is because wow !!!! like you can tell when a person has had years to hone their class and sparx clearly has- beware of nsfw tho cos it definitely abounds lol. specific sparx recs, like, my favorites would be here i am, again which is just. its an au where grian and scar win together and this goes exactly as well as you expect :( also! yours were the arms (that the whole world was in) is a last life fic a mumscarian polyamory negotiations fic and its just really good ! i really liked it lol im not much of a last life girly but theres something to the way all these characters so clearly know each other better than we know them thats sooo good and its only 1231 words so its not too long to read in an afternoon so like go read it ! and then come !!!! about it with me bc its sooooooooooo well i dont even know how to say it or i would its great tho

ok now for fics thats are ust !! :) <- mostly they are less :) and more :(( but shhh these are slightly less thinky but no less mwah !! (+ less warnings (still read the tags) + they lean more romantic)

mad scientists can be a little hot. as a treat. by @romanocheese this is exactly what it sounds like, takes place just after grians triple kill w the tnt minecart in third life

coliseum by @artanogon is a steampunk au where pretty much everyone save dogwarts is allied trying to bring down the red king ! unfinished but the tension is sooo high like. the mystery, the suspense, ive literally watched third life i know how this ends and yet here i am on the edge of my seat waiting for each update !!

my heart has been half asleep all my life is a series by @sciencechicken + if i was reccing one fic from it that would be i dont think i could stand to be where you dont see me which is a double life fic that definitely belongs in the other category (grian assumes after scar spent all of DL episode 1 ignoring him that he doesnt want to be soulmates) however since im reccing the full series (its all so good im subscribed to it lol) + the literal second fic is vampire scar/blood drinking/making out... im putting it here lol but its really wonderful i enjoy it greatly

friend of the devil by @mochiwrites and @idioddyssey ok all of the series mochi does are great but this is the one im currently avoiding reading the latest update on because i am soooo invested and i have a terrible feeling something is about to happen . :((( regarding well i shant say because spoilers like i know its gonna be great im just nervous lmao anyway its a mumscarian crime au and it is a delight to read ! recently it has featured tubbo as scars office aide and also well i shant say (spoilers etc) but yeah very fun i really enjoy it :D

l'appel du vide by @pixelfun20 is basically what if grian right after winning 3l was plopped into hermitcraft! i just really enjoy this kind of premise tbh it hasnt been updated since last june sadly but its. a lighter???? read than what else is here! well maybe not lighter but fewer people die iirc

and last but not least: @atherix midnight series which is soooooo like well ok so its mumscarian kind of like fantasy au? featuring vampire mumbo socerer/elf scar and whatever the fuck is up with grian and well ok i am rooting for it to become mumbo/scar/grian/cub actually because well. read and find out? but just trust me ok this series is one of my favorites of the ones im currently following bc of the way it sets up and then pays off conflict-- like, grian'll do something i wont specify due to spoilers and immediately i know that by the time the fic is done there is going to be SUCH a nice catharsis about this !! also the plot of the dsmp is just kind of like playing out as a sidequest for scars adopted son tubbo which i love <- former dsmp girly moment

ok i lied im also gonna plug mochi's series solem et lunam really fast because i like it !! basically grian is the sun god mumbo is the moon god they have a forbidden romance until the unthinkable happens (read the tags !!) OKAY ACTUALLY BYE THIS TIME

#answered asks #HI AXE #btw sorry if anyone i tagged in this didnt want to be tagged just let me know and ill happily untag u :] i typically avoid tagging ppl bc #they might not want to be but im a nosy bitch wrt ppl talking abt my writing so i thought others might be as well lmao #fic recs #ficposting #sorry if this is a lot axe i am severely mentally ill !! #my thots

[spacedlexi]

ive been intrigued by modern au of certain twdg characters, like we know some of their back stories (lee being a prof or javi a baseball player) but like actually picturing/designing them is interesting, idk if you've ever thought of it past clem, louis and violet [unfortunately im unskilled so just sharing my ideas!]

i dont think about modern aus all that often since ive always been more of a fan of in-universe explorations. the only time i Really think about modern au stuff is when im playing them in the sims lmao (i keep my traumatized faves safe there)

i dont think their designs would be all that different? the only reason i see clem vs modern clem as variations of the same person is because we knew what she was like as a kid and we saw how beat down by the world she became after 8 years on the road. but without the trauma of that i feel she would be able to retain a lot of that optimism and kindness she had as a child that she became hardened to as she got older (that kindness is still there deep down but shes become hardened by the things shes been through and shes had to become tough to survive). and even with her parents still dying, getting to have lee permanently as a supportive guardian lets her still retain that general attitude for the most part, she just becomes more of a realist. but she never gets as low emotionally as she was in like S3. she also has less responsibility since she doesnt have to care for aj alone either. she actually gets to be a sister. shes much more lighthearted overall while still taking things seriously

but for characters like lee or javi (or any of the adults), we've seen them outside of the apocalypse. and their outlooks didnt change all that dramatically because of it. at least not in ways that would influence their personal styles. just take the layer of zombie grime off them give them a bath and clean clothes theyre good to go

when i think of modern aus i imagine most of the adults to be the same, just more relaxed as they dont have to deal with fighting to survive day after day. its really the younger characters that i feel would have the possibility of being different. in-universe their lives were shaped by the apocalypse. but without the apocalypse who would they be? and how do you still keep those characters feeling like Themselves when you remove such a big part of why they are the way they are?

especially when it comes to the ericson kids who, when i imagine modern aus, were not sent off to boarding school by their families either. thats another huge change to something so so foundational to their characters. how were those situations handled? did those events even happen? in louis' case i personally keep his relationship with his father tense and strict, but i make his mother more supportive of him and his goals, and so while he still has to fight for what he wants there was never a time where he felt he needed to teach his dad a lesson, because at least he has his mom. in violets case things dont change all that much, her dad still sucks her mom still works 3 jobs and her grandma still offs herself in front of her, only difference is they have no financial ability to send violet off, and so she just has to Deal with it. but even these changes dont have all that much effect on their personal styles compared to their canon selves. louis just gets to keep wearing his expensive designer shit, and violet has had the same wardrobe for 5+ years and it shows in its wear and tear

when i think about how characters would dress its heavily reliant on their personalities, outlooks, and circumstances. how do i show these things based on looks alone? but thats why i dont imagine most of them looking all that different. theyve just been reverted. lee is still a fun but reasonable (for the most part) history professor who wants to start a family, and javi is still a happy go lucky uncle dealing with being kicked out of his dream career while trying to be more present for his family. their styles remain largely unchanged

#so Technically i have 'designed' modern versions of a lot of them but their styles didnt change all that much. i just bathed them #oof this response did Not need to be this long boy do the words just keep comin out of my brain #replies with lexi #incognito #twdg

[alonetogether]

hiiii i’d love to hear your thoughts on the hiatus revisionist history if you feel comfortable sharing :^)

ouhhh yeah ofc ill try not make this too long cause its not like groundbreaking nor like complicated yk i honestly just think both when they say they were still friends AND never spoke are both true statements like... 3-ish years IS a long time, especially for two guys who spent. nearly 10 years together almost Constantly yknow? so...

a lot can change and shift in those 3 years. if we look at like... the lead up to the hiatus you can definitely see patrick be a lot more distant with pete (except for a few examples that are like... oh ok you weirdos made up for a week huh) and its obviously from all the tension and just, natural drifting cause of that tension and then the start of the hiatus i really think they did not speak much at all, both because of the grieving of the "loss" of the band and the anger that grieving would fuel, etc. like even if they always thought it was always an hiatus, theyre dramatic, if they dont do it anymore for any length of time its like the end of the fucking world <3 so start of hiatus i feel like, they did not speak and that was when patrick would like... not return calls to pete, or talk to him much, he probably was fully in like... trying to gather together stuff to make his solo projects and we all know patricks just MIA when hes in creating mode, and he was 100% using that to deal with the "loss" of fob, we then get to pete's divorce and i feel like around this time they wouldve reconnected a bit again but maybe after a bit of back and forth (eg the "what do u want" text bit), a good example of them reconnecting in some form would be pete suddenly bringing out his stump club shirt in 2011 like a month after his divorce

i feel like because of his divorce and ofc patrick being around for all of his relationship with ashlee, they would have reconnected in a time that pete wouldve needed comfort and familiarity and it had been over a year since the hiatus started so the initial grief and anger wouldve 100% died down and i feel like this is when pete would have said like. you dont even know my son, etc, like patrck was also at petes place for a good chunk of time in april 2011 which is only shortly after pete brings out that shirt, however, some shit happened after this that we literally have no clue What and they kinda fall out again, maybe not fully like what happened at the start of the hiatus but definitely a falling out again (eg patrick saying in zane lowe "i thought we were [fine] but then you--") and fast forward then to all THAT stuff with SP being redone and redone way more angrily and then we get to death of a pariah and it kinda really makes them reconnect but like... less to do with familiarity (repeating the cycle of how they got into a tension-filled mess that resulted in the hiatus in the first place) and more to do with, lets rebuild, lets do this different, lets go back to our roots and do it to create again, lets go back and relearn what made us best friends in the first place and we can really... really see that, i wont show it but the leaked picture of pete and patrick at patricks wedding in 2012 really shows the like, rebuilt relationship i think, the youthful joy again that just wasnt there on the lead up to the hiatus nor in patricks depression-filled frenzy with SP and then. well. it kinda just never broke after that, amen. so basically. yeah they both WERE still friends/considered the other their friend but also they probably didnt like each other much/didnt want to see the other for at least TWO chunks of time during the hiatus until the Actual Healthy Reconnection circa early 2012-ish where they dont just reconnect in a way they were used to but instead in a way that was to rebuild from the ground up. this part is a little speculation cause im not pete nor patrick but i feel like because patrick normally isnt that explosive and open about his mental health, pariah just kinda forced the both of them to REALLY talk, because, patrick had put it all out there, there was no taking it back, pete now knew how patrick felt and well. as patricks biggest hypeman he couldnt let that go and it just forced patrick to just fucking talk about how he felt for once, which allowed pete to recontextualise shit and also heal from shit which in turn let him help patrick heal a bit, esp with those early songwriting hang outs p2 had, which then in turn made patrick more open to asking how joe felt which allowed joe to feel happy to come back to fob which in turn rebuilt fall out boy. etc. yeah. anyway hi. i love to ramble

#me when i said i wont make this long and then i proceed to make it long

[faszaakisshobbi]

hehehehe rant

also tw big talk of sh and like uhh mental health stuff and just me being super silly uh mhmmm hehehaha yeah

so uh like ive been in a really bad mental state recently which is normal but its way WAY worse than usual like idk. im NOT gonna kill myself. im not considering it. but im thinking about certain things way more often just as a little hind thought. i had been cutting more often but not like as attempts. just its just what happens yk stress relief. idk man. anyways I cant because I have a doctors check-up soon (I have to be clean for TEN DAYS? 😧😧) (I sound insane we might address this later… or not). and I was like "hheehaha hahehe sh isn't addictive wdym" but uhhhh it’s very addictive who in the world ?! who decided yk? lmaoo.

anywHoOOOo uhm I do go to therapy and its like monthly and I also do not like talking to her about actual things which ruins the point. but I dont know how to actually talk to her. and I DO want to talk to someone, just not my therapist. no way in hell I want to talk to my parents especially not my mom. nobody at my school because they'll make a hell of a deal about it for no reason. im noT suicidal I just a little bit cut myself sometimes thats all. and also a few other things.

I also feel like im disappointing Б which is terrible. I want her to know im trying my best. it just doesn't seem like I am, but I really am. I want to confide in her. some worse part of me wants her to feel bad and I desperately want her care and attention and her worry for me. I want to be special to her.

incredibly worried that if I told her any of this I would be seen as weaker or how this was some sort of excuse. im afraid that she will downplay things if I explain them lightly or in a sugarcoated way. she seems like unless I state things dramatically and quite exactly how they are, she won't understand. im afraid that she might also think im crazy and she would treat my differently. so I may go the "address things lightly" path of conversation.

seriously I just want to be able to confide in her. in someone I trust and respect and care for. I want her to just comfort me. thats all.

I want to be okay.

#ahahaha what #what is going on

[the1975attheirverybest]

It is true that i need to learn to learn to stand to lose too because i was a 'gifted kid' and i dont think i need to say how scared i am of coming out as 'talentless' lol

I think a big part of it is also that i dont feel very supported? Which i think is partly my fault because i know my family doesnt really understand any artistic medium and none of my friends are in the music field and dont really get why im dping this if im not studying music (which is actually so silly to think because why do i have to stick to only one form of art?)

In lighter terms, ive been writhing a lot lately and felt quite proud of some stuff i came out with, and finished one i cry everytime i play so i was quite happy with how i could capture it out.

Its so scary to let people see how you think but ill try to work on it, thanks halla for taking the time to respond to this, i really really appreciate it 💕

-🤖

Ohhhh babeee. I get that believe me 💗💗 I’m a scholarship kid who got into the Ivy leagues (if you’re not in the US: Harvard, Stanford, MIT, UPenn etc) but then had a mental breakdown and almost got kicked out of the program. Believe me, I know how you feel. the perfectionism is a blessing and a curse lmao. I also come from generations of a STEM family who don’t really get the whole literature thing hahahha. Growing up, I was always told “can’t you just….read books as a hobby? Get a degree that pays money!” (Which is fair enough. Unemployment rates for English PhDs is 60% they’re not wrong lmao).

But that’s where I think Matty’s statement, though dramatic, is serially true. Artists who stop making art would go insane. You did not choose this music thing. It chose you. And if you forced yourself to just not do it anymore and try something “safe” that you can excel at easily to scratch that perfectionist need to do everything in the best possible way, then you might be happy for 5 seconds. But you’ll eventually start to miss the music and do anything you can to get back to it. That’s how I feel now about my abandoned degree in creative writing lol. Keep at it. Life is too short to hold back from things that you love just cuz some dumbass out there who can’t get their head out of their ass doesn’t like what you have to say. Good news!! There is soooo much music out there for all sorts of folks and their tastes. The people who like you will choose you and those who don’t can fuck off and go find some music they do like!

Oh hey no thanks necessary. I’m really glad you’re doing this. We need artists all the time. Can never have enough!

Maybe try this: make a song about being scared to make songs for this project and maybe include it in the project? Could be therapeutic? Haha.

#🤖anon

[todayisawthewhxlewxrld]

Someone anyone pls. My boyfriend has unfortunately had his phone broken so I haven't been talking with him, and I feel so lonely 😞 Also ALL OF MY FRIENDS LIVES ARE CRUMBLING APART?? My friend just broke up with her boyfriend, because of her mental health, but I suspect that it might be because of the boy she's been flirting with on the side. My other friends sibling is breaking up with their douche of a man, thank goodness. Two OTHER friends, who are literally bestfriend and have been for years, have been fighting eith eachother amd separating from our little group?? Also my dads been talking about death and I find myself looking at baby pictures of me and him with my grandma and great grandma, crying about thinkinf that I'm gonna be the only one alive in that picture some day. It also dawned on me that he's like the only person that I KNOW I'll have until we perish. We were watching mamma mia, and the whole time I kept thinking that I wished my mom loved me like Donna loved her daughter, and mentioned how I'd like to move into a little island or something. I guess my dad saw me holding back tears during the "slipping through my fingers" song, because he told me we could move to Alaska just he and I. (That's his dream place) PLEASE IM SOBBING THINKING ABT THE FACT HES NEVER BEEN.

Anyways, it made me think of my goal in life, and its to someday bring my dad to Alaska with me. Regardless if hes with me, just inside an urn. (I'm being so dead serious, I love my dad even if I went through some shit for most of my childhood. He's like the only person in my life who has stepped up, and made an actual change in his behavior for MY sake. It's admirable, and I've always been my fathers daughter. I'm just more proud to say it now after everything hes been through, and the changes hes gone through for my well being.)

I apologize about the rant, I fear that I've been holding that within me for so long. My friends don't really care about my personal life, and sometimes I'm glad that I keep it that way. ANYWAYS.

I realize that I haven't been in your asks, but I did follow through with that strike. Stayed off my phone unless it was to check about the updates for Palestine, and reposting. Didn't buy groceries, I even stopped going to classes for the time being. I'm sad to know that it's not getting any better, and I'm ashamed to say that my little town has very little businesses that DON'T support Israel. So I can't really avoid buying things from those places :(

Been keeping up with your writing though, for the most part. I'm very sad that it will come to an end, but I'm excited to see the ending. I'm ALSO EXCITED FOR INUMAKI 😻😻😻😻😻

Anyways, gonna go shower because I feel like a dirty corndog that was dropped at a fair. Wish me luck that I don't run out of warmish water, I always seem to do so because my hair is so hard to manage and I have like 10 different products that I have to put in it. (I'm being dramatic, I usually sit and let it do it's thing while I sing the weekend and deftones. 😞)

GOODNIGHT STAY WARM!!!!

Xoxo 👽

don’t wanna be mean but i’m glad ur bf broke his phone 😊 BUT JESUS WHY R ALL UR FRIENDS LIVES SIMULTANEOUSLY IN SHAMBLES ??? LIKE WHAT IS GOING ON HERE ???😭😭 that’s crazy… hopefully the two that have been friends for years figure their stuff out…

mamma mia will get u… it always will… (i’ve never seen it) BUT HE SAID U COULD MOVE TO ALASKA JUST U N HIM STOP IM SOBBING OH MY GOD??? that sounds like a very good life goal bae!! i’m sure he’d love that whether he’s actually with u or in an urn like u said!! and i’m super glad you have him and that he stepped out to make a change in himself for u i love that for u bae :( DONT APOLOGIZE FOR THE RANT ITS OKAY I DONT MIND !!

u haven’t but it’s okay!! i know you’ll pop up eventually LMFAO and yay for following through with the strike!! i really hope a lot of other people did as well.

YAY SO GLAD YOUVE BEEN KEEPING UP WITH MY WRITING N ARE EXCITED BAE🤞🤞🤞

A DIRTY CORNDOG THAT WAS DROPPED AT A FAIR HELEOEMEME LMFOAOA ENJOY UR SHOWER!! (whats ur favorite the weekend and deftones song…)

#axel answers ☆⋆｡𖦹°‧★ #axel answers// 👽

[astranite]

vent post because I am a mess and i've just got to stick it all somewhere. I don't even know what or why I'm putting it here. Just there is way too much inside my head.

(trying to stick all of my intensely personal bullshit under a cut)

Just a whole pile of stuff. (this isnt even the half of it). A whole bunch of things I thought i was okay about but maybe I'm really not. And that maybe my whole scale of okayness is kinda fucked up. And i seem to randomly swing from telling myself this is fine to no wait its all pretty fucked up. Basically that meme of the dog in the on fire house going this is fine. Welcome to everything is on fire but we're not freaking out about it because we're past that point. But sometimes it feels honestly okay and then something else hits.

Nothing in my life is even that bad. I'm getting my shit together. Its probably better than it has been in a while (or maybe its not, i dont know). I'm making positive progress towards the future. I drafted a job application. I'm trying to unfuck my tertiary studies. I literally keep telling myself I'm an adult, even though I feel like a fuck up kid still.

I just want to move the hell out. So I'm making steps towards it. Not because its bad, bad. More conflicting access needs I guess. And I feel trapped here and on guard and responsible for everything. Or Im just a problem or have problems because clearly everyone else is fine but that's probably not a great way to think.

Not sure what I'm feeling right now. Actually mostly just numb and vaguely ill. Yay for crushing down all your emotions until you can't feel them any more. Because, yeah, I can't be upset about things. It scares and worries people and I'm already way too intense.

And when I do it, i seem calm and fine to people, and hey neither crying nor panicking has be a good thing. Except I'm blank when I know I'm upset or would be, and its not fine. Honestly probably a bit messed up. Huh.

(I know its not good for me. I am so very aware of this) (i know hiding stuff is literally one of my biggest 'things are getting bad' red flags)

I'd probably be way more okay if I was crying and yelling and getting mad about stuff. Instead of just quietly, calmly imploding. Or walking around and smiling and acting normal. (its only sometimes, not all the time. And just happens to be right now)

Also past shit keeps metaphorically walking up to me, and maybe I didn't process it great. because its evidently still bothering me even though its years ago.

(Yes, realising some of this stuff was a That moment when you're writing and you realise that wow character has a whole bunch of issues. Then that was at least 50-70% me.)

I do keep picking myself up from the floor over and over because I'm too stubborn not to.

Also: I'm so sick of being misgendered by family. Like they do support me and are trying with different pronouns. But getting it right barely any of the time. And if I call them out on it to correct them, then they get upset. So I just have to put up with it silently, and yeah, she's trying, so I feel like I can't be upset about it but it still hurts, and maybe its not good enough. And I don't even know whether I could change my name, at least not without upsetting peopl, I've been told "please don't change you name, I like your name" but I don't even know if it feels like me. It's like people are supportive, but being nonbinary or trans or anything isn't actually a valid option. They/them isn't that hard if you practice it and even if it is it's still very much important to me. And none of them think of me as such which is maybe the problem. Except my friends, who actually do get it right which is nice.

I guess I'm struggling. And also all my friends and family have way too much of their own stuff going on.

So stupid vent post yelling into the void, it is then. Maybe I'm just being dramatic about it all.

I'd say I'm okay and don't worry (if anyone's even fucking reading this) but that would probably be more concerning. But I'll survive this like I survived every other fucking thing the universe has thrown at me.

(and I will and have asked for help, so stuff is at least sort of getting sorted, because this is not my first mental health rodeo.)

#AstraStuff #I dont know what the fuck this all is at this point #just that writing this is probably better than just rotating in around in my head #like a particularly messed up microwave #there is very much a temptation to delete this but instead here i am throwing it to the void