#anyway!!! i'm just really frustrated and hurt and fucking terrified

[stillcominback]

𝚆𝙴𝙻𝙻, 𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝚅𝙴𝚁𝙳𝙸𝙲𝚃'𝚂 𝙸𝙽: as a lot of you may know by know [ if you've caught any of my previous posts about it ], i'm moving with my parents back to california from texas -- where i've been for about 30 years -- because overall? it'll be good for me. i'm sick of texas for the most part, i literally can't afford to live on my own [ and honestly? i like being near my parents and would just have more security and better quality of life in CA ], and i just think sometimes a change is good!

i've been waiting to see if my job will let me keep my job [ and continue to pay me dirt, even! ] ... all i was asking is that i can live in california and work remote. well, the owner has decided he will not allow me to do that. is there a good reason? in my opinion: no. he's framing it [ in his conservative white man rich business owner brain ] that I'M the one making the choice to move because i could apparently just as easily stay in texas and get my own place etc etc etc. so it's on me! unfortunately, it's just not that simple, but i guess from a guy who runs a family business and has multiple homes, it's just hard to really grasp that concept.

i'm literally so furious and so heartbroken at the same time. i know it's not the best company, and yeah i guess, we can say this is for the best in the end? but that doesn't make it hurt less. i've been there for almost 11 fucking years. my ENTIRE career out of college. through ups and downs, i was always working my ass off and being a great employee ... shining reviews and reputation with literally everyone. it just hurts that that ultimately means nothing when i'm finally asking for something in return. i take the poverty wages, take the working in the office when i hate it for the most part, i've taken having to hear misogynistic, homophobic, transphobic, every-phobic thing over the years ... then i ask for ONE thing in 11 years [ that's literally not even a big ask ] and it's a ✨no✨.

i feel so lost. like i don't even know how to be without this job, and as much as people tell me YOU'RE SO TALENTED! YOU'RE SO GREAT! YOU'LL FIND SOMETHING SOOOO MUCH BETTER! i wanna believe it, but my brain just ... doesn't. maybe it's imposter syndrome or just how fucking down on myself i feel right now. i still appreciate it because i literally don't know what i would do without my friends and family's support right now like ... even if i can't see it for myself, it means the literal world to me.

plus sides [ i guess ]: i should be able to keep my laptop [ but i'll lose adobe cc so ... i may need some recs or help on how to at least get photoshop cause idk how i'll carry on without it lmao ]; my manager who is a literal saint and one of the best people i know [ she actually pissed the owner off going to the mat for me lmao "he doesn't like to be questioned" ... insert the biggest eye-roll of my life ] ... but she said she would help me with literally everything from linkedin to my resume to a portfolio, and i know that'll be like everything to me while i just .... try to navigate all of this ON TOP OF trying to move.

ALSO: i think i can work until i leave, if that's what i want to do ... i'm still trying to figure all of this out because honestly? even though it's not much? i need the money. but then i'm also like i don't wanna do the owner any favors by having me work while they maybe start putting out feelers to replace me, yknow? BUT THEN AGAIN, i'm hurting my boss more than him [ and that's the twisted, frustrated thing about all of this ... it hurts us way more than it does anything to him but he still gets to make the choice for us ]. SO! i dunno! i may just use all my PTO and see how far that gets me lmao but i feel like at the end of the day, i have to look out for myself and maybe just trying to pull in as many paychecks as i can [ since we also don't have a hard 'we're moving!' date at the moment ] is the best idea ... even if the idea of going into the office and acting normal like literally makes me so ... 😤 but i dunno! my brain is a mess! afjhksdfda

SO YEAH. i just wanted to update you guys because i do consider you friends. whether we talk a little or a lot, i appreciate all of you so much and just wanted to keep folks in the loop with where my life and my head's at right now. not the best but ... just trying to keep it moving. honestly nooooo clue when writing is gonna happen here again??? i do miss / enjoy the distraction of plotting and talking about all this stuff so don't be shy, i just don't know when i'll have the time or capacity to just write here [ maybe once we move and stuff settles a little bit? ] -- but yeah, in the meantime, please come chat with me, let's plot dynamics and all that shit because it still makes me so happy and lets me take my mind on a little vacation lmao love you all, truly! ❤️

#** reblogging on some of my blogs to pass it around but! applies across the board: you can find most of my blogs in my pinned post here! ** #been on and off crying since like 4PM yesterday so it's been a ride lemme tell ya! #nothing like feeling like you wasted over a decade of your life at a job that never really cared about you #like MY boss does but stupidly she doesn't get to make all the decisions for HER own team #even though the owner is barely present and doesn't really know anything about us or the day to day so ... very cool of him #to make big decisions that can hurt a lot of people (and don't affect him one bit either way) #he just really doesn't seem to give a shit at all that it makes our lives so much harder for NO reason #it's just that he literally doesn't “like” remote working and doesn't want to set some kind of company-wide precedent #even tho i'm like moving isn't THAT easy lmao people aren't all just gonna mass exodus out my guy #(also we have a C-level employee who lives / works from new york but ... apparently that's SUUUUPER different because she lived there when #she was hired ........ *stares into camera*) #anyway!!! i'm just really frustrated and hurt and fucking terrified #and i appreciate literally anyone who bothered to read all this! lmao #i'll be around on mobile as per usual ❤️❤️❤️ #00. // OUT OF AMMO ( OOC POST. )

[milkywaydrabbles]

AHHHH!! all your rindou drabbles for kinktober are amazinggg , but that hanma shuji was the best one so far 😩!! can i request a #8,#17, and #37 with my man shuji 🙏🙏!

A/N: I'm posting this from the spirit realm please do not perceive me and the monster of a 4k fic I made for him I didn't mean to ;A; I like him a normal amount I promise. Anyways here's the fic I hope you like mwuahh. I also did the alternate universe of Hanma I'm sure that's not what you were exactly expecting but I wanted to keep it out of the realm of gangs just this once! I still tried to keep him a little mean hehe

Virginity/Orgasm denial/overstimulation x Hanma Shuji

You met Hanma when you went to the same school years ago, and being the shit head that he was, always picked on you for fun. It was never malicious the way it was when he was actively picking fights with other boys in gangs, but it was so fucking annoying you couldn’t help but cry with how frustrated you felt. He’d poke fun at you more, looming over you with how tall he was and just tease you until you stormed off. You remember that well, and definitely not fondly. Eventually you saw him less and less at school, and then he stopped coming altogether. The wave of relief that you felt when you were able to just go about your days in peace and quiet was immeasurable. Over time, and over the years, you thought of him less and less and forget him all the same, graduating high school, going to college, finding a job--Hanma was no longer a presence in your life.

Not until adulthood.

You were on your way home, feet dragging with how exhausted you had been feeling at the end of the week--work was hell, but you were grateful for the next two days off. You just needed to make it home in one piece. Of course that was asking for too much, because when you turned the corner your phone went flying out of your hand when you crashed into a brick of a body in front of you with a gasp. “Oh, shit” You hissed, scrambling to grab your phone with a flurry of apologies spewing out of your mouth. The body didn’t seem to acknowledge you, or so you thought, until you heard your name come out of a foreign mouth in a whisper. You paused, actually terrified now to look at who you bumped into, but looked up anyways--to someone you couldn’t recognize. 

“Shit, it is you.” He breathed out with a laugh, smile appearing on his face. You frowned, brows burrowing up in confusion. “I’m sorry, do I know you?” You tried not to be defensive, you really did, but life had turned sour on you at a young age and you didn’t trust any men these days anyways. So you crossed your arms and stood your ground, looking like you were ready to fight at any given moment. The man couldn’t help but cackle, it was like life had slapped him in the face--you weren’t the shy skittish little girl he remembered anymore. You had grown up, fended for yourself, obviously not afraid to get into arguments with men you supposedly didn’t know. He feigned hurt after his laugh, pressing a hand to his chest and jutted his lips in a pout. “Come on, you really don’t remember me? You threw your backpack on me real hard in middle school you know. I think I still have a scar from your book.” Ready to turn away with a middle finger you barely acknowledged what he said, “No I don’t remember....you...” He could practically see the gears in your head turning. “Oh...oh my god--Hanma?” He flashed you a dazzling smile, “In the flesh.”

“Oh fuck off.” You tried storming away, there was no way you had just ran into your middle school bully and he thinks he can just smile at you like you had been besties. You weren’t going to even think about it for the rest of the night, you just needed to get home. Hell maybe he changed, but you weren’t gonna sit there and find out. Not willingly at least, because it turns out he wasn’t ready to end the conversation. “Woah, hey! Come on let’s just talk real quick doll face--” “Excuse me?” The shrill in your voice blatantly told him you were not having it. “Sorry. I’m sorry. Can we talk?” You stopped to look at him--really look at him and holy shit did he grow up. His hair was long to his shoulders, blonde money pieces nicely framing his face--one that was no longer grinning like a snarky piece of shit that you remembered, but soft--eyes almost pleading with you to just give him a chance for the night. And fucking tall--standing taller than six foot you craned your head to look up. You sighed, pinching the bridge of your nose before answering. “Come on, there’s a bar along the way.”

-

“You’re....so different.” you commented.

He laughed, rubbing the back of his neck in embarrassment. You learned he left the gang life behind years ago, and that he was a freelance photographer. You also learned that he made lots of friends from his old gang life that actually stuck, and that one of them recently got married. He told you about his travels, about the time he was in juvie (more than once), about what he did after he left school.

And he told you about how he never quite stopped thinking about you. 

That made you pause your commentary at each remark, unable to take a breath in after the admission. Then you scowled. “You were an asshole Hanma. You know that? You were so fucking mean to me. And you’re saying you thought about me all these years? Ha, thought about what, how funny it was to torment me?” You let your anger flow freely with the help of the beer that was now warmed on the table top. He let you vent, getting out all your frustrations that you were never able to when you were a kid--to scared to know what he would do in retaliation. You thought this was better than therapy (and cheaper too.) When you finished your monologue of how much of a dick he was, you threw back the rest of the beer (gross) and looked at the sticky table. He made no moves to get up, which you were surprised over, instead you peeked up at him through your lashes and saw a man that looked as if he’d been slapped across the face. “I’m...wow. Yeah. I was the worst, wasn’t I?” A humorless laugh left his lips. “I didn’t...and listen, this isn’t an excuse, really it’s not, but I didn’t know how to act. You were the cutest girl in school and I just...I was a prick. Life was shitty growing up, and everyone always said ‘if you like a girl pick on her’. I guess it was too much, huh..” Another laugh. “I’m sorry, I really am. I thought I’d never see you again and now you’re here and I don’t--fuck, I’m sorry pretty girl.” Hanma hung his head in shame, playing with the emptied beer bottle in front of him riddled with anxiety. 

There was too much to unpack in one night. You couldn’t believe half of the things he had even said to you tonight. So you decided to sit with it for a while. You excused yourself quietly, after (attempting and failing) to pay for your drink. “I...I have to go, Hanma.” He sighed, understanding enough anyways--it was a long shot for you to ever forgive  him. But then your phone appeared in his line of sight, opened up to a new contact page with his name already up. His eyes shot up at you, hopeful, and took your phone without a pause to write in his number, he might have also changed his name just a bit, adding a heart at the end of ‘Hanma’ , so dry. You rolled your eyes at that, mumbling ‘don’t push your luck’, but kept it anyways. 

-

For the next few weeks (months?) Hanma had integrated himself heavily into your life. You texted him every day, called just as much, and even met up with him for food or drinks a handful of times as your schedules permit. It was odd, having this bond form with someone you used to despise. But it’s not healthy to hold onto grudges like that. Especially from such a young age, and you knew he was really sorry, especially since he admitted to you night one that he had a crazy crush on you. So you let it go over time, and started seeing Hanma shine with his annoying personality again. And once he came out of his shell, really, he acted almost the same. Snarky, making faces, overly cocky like he couldn’t be beat. But he was softer now, and you found it endearing, especially when he’d come to your rescue. You’d be waiting for him to show up at your usual bar spot and be cornered by a man who was too drunk to look at you properly but was still in your face. “Come on, pretty. What’s your name huh?” You scoffed, leaning away from him as you grabbed your drink and covered the top. “Fuck off, dude. Not here for you.” You’d hear the drunkard grumble something about you being a bitch and before you were able to turn to look at him again and tell him off, you saw a tattooed hand grip his shoulder. “What was that?” Hanma leaned down to get in his face, toothpick in between his teeth as he waited. 

“Fucking--nothing, dude, get off me.” Before you knew it the drunk was knocked on his ass on the floor and Hanma was shrugging it off, telling the bartender “He’s too drunk to be here, can we get him out?” with a shrug and a smirk when he was dragged off by security (as if Hanma wasn’t the one to shove him). You breathed out a giggle and smiled, thanking him for the save--and silently calming yourself down. He looked...good, turning back into his intimidating self when it wasn’t directed towards you. You wouldn’t mind seeing him like this more often, especially to your defense. You shake off the feeling and continue on with your conversation as you always do, though you’re distracted with the way he pushes his hand back, and how his veins in his hands look, and how--

“Hey, you good?” 

You blink, startled and looking like a deer caught in the headlights. Unfortunately for you, Hanma has been getting too comfortable around you now. “What, see something you like?” He cooed, dipping his head lower to meet your eyes, voice now to a whisper. You fidget away, drink long forgotten as you try to remember how to breathe again, furrowing your brows. "I don't think I want to be here anymore." It was his turn to frown. "Hey no I'm sorry, I was joking—" "I'm hungry. Do you...wanna just grab takeout and go to my place?" Silently he nodded, dumbfounded that you had invited him over. It felt like an unspoken rule–he wouldn't ask if he could go over, knowing the answer would be 'no.' You weren't ready for him to invade your space like that. But after all this time, after close to six months of non stop talking and relearning each other it felt like the most natural thing in the world for you to ask. Even if you were a little nervous about it. And so you (he) paid your tab and left.

–

The two of you sat comfortably on the floor of your living room, eating from shared plates and having mindless movies on in the background as conversation continued. "Thanks for letting me over, doll–not gonna lie I was getting tired of always going out to a bar." He teased, laughing when he felt you shove him a little with your shoulder. "Be grateful, Hanma." You rebutted with a smile. 

"Shuji."

....

"What?"

"Come on, we’ve been talking for months now. You can’t just call me Shuji? Not just once?” 

You placed your chopsticks down, that fuzzy feeling coming back into your stomach the same as when you stared at him earlier. Could you call him Shuji? Did you think you were close enough to do that? He was so different than the Hanma you knew all those years ago, but somehow the same–still poking fun but now it felt good, the teasing and the taunting was reciprocated–maybe even building up to something else, that you had refused to unlock. “Come on pretty girl,” the name made your head spin and your face get hot, and him leaning in closer to you didn’t help. Hanma brushed your cheek, thumbing at your skin when he cupped your face, “just once. Just call me Shuji, please.” Your breathing hitched, eyes dropping down to look at his lips, and when you looked back up at him you noticed he’d done the same thing. “...You’re being so stupid, Shuji.” Your voice was barely heard above the sound of the TV. He chuckled, lips brushing against yours, “yeah well, you know what they say–love makes you stupid.” You closed the gap that barely existed to begin with, hands latching on to the front of his shirt as Hanma invaded your senses. 

The kiss was dizzying, overwhelming, too much– everything and everywhere all at once. But you couldn’t find it in you to care, not when Hanma had been such a constant in your life recently, not when he admitted to loving you. You could practically feel the cockiness come flooding back, Hanma smiling into the kiss and nipping at your lower lip, easily slipping his tongue in after you granted him access. He’d taken over quickly, hand on your cheek pressing the back of your head deeper into him and the other trailing around your waist to pull you close. He had you straddling him, and you still were trying to keep up with the kiss. “Sh-Shuji, wait, h-hold on.” You broke free enough to speak if only for a moment, but he continued with the kisses down your jaw, and neck, and nipping at the juncture of your shoulder. “What’s wrong, pretty girl?” Fuck, his voice dipped low–the gravely sound was shooting straight down to between your legs. It was hard to breathe, he wasn’t letting up enough for you to tell him, but you needed to, you needed to–

“I’m a virgin.”

Hanma immediately stopped his ministrations, the sound of the TV turning more into white noise than whatever was going on. When he didn’t speak, you felt the need to explain. “I just, I don’t know–don’t fucking laugh, I don’t know what’s going on in your head.” You huffed, embarrassed. “I just...was never interested in hookups. And everyone fucking sucked, so I never...”You trailed off, looking away when Hanma tried to meet your eyes. He cupped your face so sweetly, small smile on his lips as he did so. “Look at me, baby.” His fucking petnames were going to kill you. But you listened anyways. “We can stop, or we can just make out–doesn’t matter to me as long as I have my hands on you.” He snickered and you wanted to smack him. You thought about it too, but you don’t think you’d find anyone better than Hanma.

You loved him, too.

“I don’t want to stop, Shuji.”

He didn’t need anything else after that.

–

“Aah, fuck, Shuji y-you’re being mean again.” You whimpered, tears pricking the corners of your eyes. Hanma had your legs open around his waist, working his fingers deep into your virgin hole. It’s already been twenty minutes of him slowly working you open, curling two of his fingers in your cunt and pushing up against that squishy part of your walls that had you climbing up to your orgasm–only for it to never come. Hanma kept fucking stopping. He’d feel how your walls started to clench and twitch around his long fingers, and the absolute bastard would only snicker and pull them out, slapping them lightly against your clit. “Aw, sorry baby–Just can’t get enough of how you look.” He teased, devil horns practically growing on his skull. This was the Hanma you remembered from middle school, and it seems his sadistic torture moved from taunting you at school to taunting you in your own bed. But you don’t think you cared too much, not now. Not when you saw the love in his eyes. Slowly, Hanma pushed in a third finger, a hand coming down to push you into the mattress and keeping you still. “Gotta prep you, doll–don’t want it to hurt, right?” And you don’t think it would, you had toys, it wasn’t unknown territory, but you kept your mouth shut anyways when he looked at you like that, eyes devouring you. His pace quickened, pumping his thick fingers in and out, in and out, until he saw your nose scrunch up and your mouth open–whining and crying out as you climbed closer and closer and closer to your impending orgasm. You could feel it, and you spread your legs just a bit more to give him more space, eyes rolling to the back of your head–

And then he pulled out.

“Shuji!” You were so frustrated, tears flowing freely now with how angry you were feeling. You were ready to start telling him off, until he grabbed your jaw and loomed over you with such authority it made your skin crawl. “If you don’t stop me now, baby doll, I’ll never be able to keep my hands off you again.” His aggressive tendencies never really went away it seemed, even after leaving the gang life behind you had such a grip on him it made him crazy. “Tell me no, and we’ll stop.” He waited a beat, squeezing a bit more at your jaw expectantly. You simply stared at him, stars in your eyes as you looked up at the man. 

“Keep going.” 

Throwing caution to the wind, Hanma kept the hand tightly on your jaw as his messy fingers slipped back into your weeping cunt, finger fucking into you harder and faster than before, all three curling up back into that gummy part and not letting up this time. Your mouth hung open with the pressure he kept on you, moans flowing freely out–you babbled, repeating his name until it all just jumbled together in messy cries. You tried to keep your eyes open but the pressure building up so fast was dizzying. Your eyes rolled back, bordering screaming as he fucked into you. He said nothing, just kept staring at your face of pleasure as you finally descended into your orgasm, crashing over you in waves and not stopping. Your juicy pussy was splashing him, fingers slipping over to rub over your clit just as quickly. Your orgasm hit you like a fucking train, lower body spasming as he kept you at that high. “Too much, too much Shu–too much!” your legs were aching to close, and he let up just enough to let you get away, smacking your pussy twice before. 

Hanma leaned down kissing your throat after letting go of your jaw, whispering against you “First it was not enough, now it’s too much.” He taunted, nipping at your skin before kissing up to your lips again. Even when he was being mean again, he pet your head and wiped away your tears. “You sure you wanna keep goin’ pretty?” You hiccupped, taking the time he’s graciously given you to take a breather, and nodded. He smiled like the devil himself and planted a harsh smooch right on your lips before moving back, lining his cock against your wet folds. “Y’ready, baby doll?” Another nod. He pushed in.

“Ah fuck, Shuji–s’big.” you gasped, arching your back in the pleasure and slight pain you felt. You couldn’t stop yourself–he was big, though you knew you were feeding his ego when you heard a laugh tumble from his lips–deep in his chest. “You’re okay, baby–gonna stretch you out nice on my dick.” He started moving slow, and you swore you could feel each vein as his cock stretched your walls around him. His movement was deliberate, passionate, like he was making sure your pussy would be molded to only take his cock for the rest of your life. Though even if he told you so, you’d openly admit you’d never be able to be with another man after him. As he felt you loosen enough to move freely, he fucked into you faster, leaning over onto his forearms–dropping his forehead to yours, hair forming a curtain around the two of you. “You waited for me, baby? Waited so I could take your virginity, right?” He spoke nonsense and you both knew it. But fuck, he felt so good inside of you, you couldn’t help but let him hear exactly what he wanted. “Waited for you, Shuji–wanted to give it to you.” You were able to barely get your words out before he groaned above you, humping you like a dog in heat. “Fuck, baby doll–pussy’s so fucking tight.” His jaw tightened as he got the words out, angling himself to feel you cum around him again. “Wanna feel you cum, baby, come on, give it to me.” his hips slammed against yours, wicked pace stealing your breath. Silent screams escaped you, gasping and crying when you came around him again, and he relished in the feeling of your abused cunt clenching and twitching around him. “There we go” He breathed out a laugh, kissing your tears as they fell. 

Hanma only let up enough to get his hands on the backs of your thighs and push them up to your chest. He was fully over you now, continuing to pound into your swollen pussy. “Shujiii” You whined, nails clawing at his wrists but unable to move him. At this angle he kept hitting all the right spots and you needed him to slow down. Yet the only word that would spill from your mouth was his name, like a silent prayer or mantra. Your third orgasm of the night came quickly, messier than the first two–your juices splashing on his thighs as he kept fucking into you. Folding in half you had no power to stop him, only able to take the pleasure that was bordering on painful with how quickly he was making you cum with no breaks. “Come on, pretty girl, come on.” Hanma was far gone, pupils blown out with lust–mumbling to himself more than to you, bed creaking underneath you with his strength. 

He maneuvered your thighs to be pressed against your chest with one arm, his now free hand finding your swollen clit and pinching– your screams and moans filling the room as your fourth orgasm felt like a house of bricks being dropped on you. You covered him in your juices, his cock now covered in a frothy white layer that webbed and stuck to the both of you. Even as he let go of your clit, Hanma was still chasing that high–so close to getting off. He wrapped his free hand around your jaw, covering your throat and shoving his thumb into your mouth. “Look at me baby.” He ground out, just to see your fucked out face eyes all teary and glassy. Your mouth was upturned in a slight smile, completely cockdrunk. It was enough to push him over the edge and still deep inside you, shooting his thick load in your abused hole. 

Silence filled the air, and slowly Hanma let go of your face and your legs, pulling out and hissing when he felt his cum dribble out with him. “Fuck..don’t think I’ll ever stop dreaming about that.” He laughed, and laughed harder when your weak hand slapped his shoulder. He dropped his weight next to you, collecting you in his arms with a kiss to your temple. “How you feelin’ baby doll?” He whispered, and you hummed, snuggling deeper into him. “Good. Sore. Always so mean to me.” You teased, feeling yourself off into sleep. He smiled at your temple and let you drift into slumber, at least for now–he’d have to clean you up. 

Until then, he reached over to your phone and finally changed his name in your phone, keeping the heart but replacing his surname with ‘Shuji’.

#milk writes #hanma smut #tokyo revengers hanma #shuji hanma #hanma shuji #hanma x reader #hanma shuji x reader #shuji hanma x reader #hanma shuji smut #tr hanma #tokyo revengers smut #tokyo revengers x reader #tokyo revengers #tokyo revengers shuji #tokrev #tokyorev #tokyo rev #kinktober #milk kinktober

[smuttykdrama]

[Sub!Masochistic!Test subject!Hyunsu x Dom!Sadistic!Scientist!Fem!Reader / Sweet Home Season 2]

PART ONE AS REQUESTED!

Warnings: Smut, Vaginal sex, Sub!Hyunsu, Dom!Reader, Masochism, Sadism, Extremely fucked up reader, Female reader, Knife play, Name calling, Face slapping, Bondage, Blood. PURE FILTH BE WARNED LOL. Only read if you're 18 and above!!

Plot: Based on my idea in my previous post. Mad scientist reader meets Cha Hyunsu. All hell breaks loose when you decide you want him in other ways besides being your test subject.

Story under the cut. 🤭

"Yah, Cha Hyunsu."

He hesitantly looked up at you, nervously kneeling before you, chains shackled around him, binding him at your feet. Hyunsu's entire body shivered, alerting you of his coldness. You knew that he was freezing, having been confined completely naked. Fuck, he must be really embarrassed. Cute.

"Y-yes?"

He mumbled quietly, his puppy like eyes staring back at you. You'd been a scientist ever since your Dad introduced you to the wonders of the world, and this whole apocalypse thing really did excite you. And having an incredibly handsome and nude half human at your mercy was just the cream on the cake. The others wouldn't mind if you did a little experimenting on your own, right?

"Wanna get out of here?"

Hyunsu's head snapped up at the mention of escaping. He nodded, but still was wary. He at first had wanted to help to find a cure...but knowing now the reality of this place...he wasn't so keen to stay. You raised your eyebrows, smirking and with your hand, you lifted his chin up with your finger.

"Hmm? You're a pretty one, aren't you? Tell me. How far would you go for me to help you? I certainly can help you escape...for a price."

Hyunsu sighed; you scientists were all the same after all - conniving and sinister. Of course there'd be a price...but what? He didn't like the twinkle in your eye...or did he?

"What do you want?"

He murmured shyly, standing up slowly, trying not to trip back onto the floor from exhaustion. Your mouth creased up into a crooked smile as you thought of all the possibilities.

"Hyunsu. Nothings free in this world. But what i want isn't money. I want...you."

"W-what?"

Hyunsu thought he didn't hear you correctly. You wanted him? Why? He's just a pathetic monster, a test subject. Did you want ro experiment on him more? Subject him to torture?

"No."

He stated, afraid of what you were offering. What if you wanted to make him your lab rat as well? But...something about the way you seductively stroked his chest made Hyunsu uneasy. It wasn't as simple as that, was it?

"Oh baby. You don't have a choice, anyway. I'll use you. I'll use you until you feel like crying."

You inched closer to the man, making him step back hesitantly.

"You know what I mean, right, Hyunsu? My options are limited here, and the men aren't exactly like you. They...don't even come close to you."

Your cold finger running down his chest and abdomen made Hyunsu shiver; in a good and bad way. Wait, was he actually turned on by this? He knew exactly what you meant. Without hesitation, you stated,

"Cha Hyunsu. I'm going to hurt you. I'm going to fuck you and use you until I'm satisfied. Got it?"

Hyunsu couldn't believe what he's hearing. His mind went blank and his body seized up, unable to think clearly or stop you. All he could see was your eyes gleaming maliciously at him, lips pulled up into the most terrifying grin he'd ever seen, teeth bared in a grimace. He trembled at your touch, his body begging him to take this all further, to give in to his desires. But he didn't say anything. Not a word.

"Hyunsu."

Hyunsu snapped out of his trance once you repeated his name. The look in your eyes was no longer playful, but full of venomous determination. He gulped, his eyes watering from both fear and lustful frustration. You leaned forward, whispering huskily against his ear.

"I'm going to have you, and you're going to let me."

You pressed your lips to his jaw, sucking lightly while rubbing your thumb across his bottom lip. The action sent shivers down his spine, causing him to shudder. You bit hard, pulling away from him. He whimpered.

"Lay on the ground. Now."

His body quaked with anticipation at the mere order, obeying your wishes and complying immediately. You kneeled beside him, straddling his hips to make things easier. His breathing became erratic, shallow pants and quick breathes. He tried to keep it together, but his cock started growing, aching for attention.

"(Y-Y/N)..."

Hyunsu whined, his hips desperately bucking up into you. Without another word, you peeled your shorts and panties off in a second, positioning yourself.

"Let's see how long you can last first. Don't cum, or I'll punish you."

With those words, you pushed onto him, moaning as you felt the hot, wet friction between your two bodies. He gasped at the sudden intrusion, hands clutching the concrete floor beneath him. You grunted as the feeling overwhelmed you, feeling your body tighten up with passion as he gripped your hips tightly.

"Oh god..(Y/N)..."

You smirked, slapping Hyunsu's face.

"Quiet. So a monster can get it up? Interesting...I bet your monster wants to fuck me right now, isn't that right, Cha Hyunsu?"

Hyunsu nodded. Truth be told, ever since he arrived here, the other scientists were cold and cruel towards him. But you...you were warm and kind. Your fascination with him grew to be much more than just being interested in his abilities. Rocking back and fourth on his cock, you gripped his wrists and held them back above his head. With one hand, you held Hyunsu's arms back, and with the other...you got out a knife from your back pocket. Hyunsu's face dropped.

"Good boy, Hyunsu. Now, shall we put your healing abilities to the test? Scream, and I won't let you cum. Scream, and I'll make you suffer."

Hyunsu shook his head frantically, but the only sound he made was a small whimper. You chuckled darkly, leaning down to kiss Hyunsu forcefully on the lips, biting the side of his lip harshly. He yelped, trying to pull away, but found himself unable to when you bit too deep. It healed within seconds.

"H-hurt me..."

Hyunsu begged, eyes clouded over with lust, staring at the knife. You rolled your eyes. A sick freak. You could've easily used the knife to kill him...but this is too fun, watching him squirm under your control. You took the knife, slashing it roughly across Hyunsu's chest, eliciting another gasp from the half human as he watched blood start dripping down his pale skin. It healed again, quicker this time. Not that it was any less painful. Your eyes widened in fascination as you fucked him harder.

"Amazing..."

"W-what?"

"I like you, Cha Hyunsu. You can be my fucktoy, painslut and test subject...In fact...I don't think you'll ever leave at all."

Hyunsu screamed.

#kdrama imagine #kdrama x reader #sweet home #cha hyunsu #hyunsu x reader #kdrama #song kang #sweet home imagine #sweet home x reader #cha hyunsoo #hyunsu smut #sweet home smut #smut #x reader smut #hyunsoo x reader #song kang x reader #dom!reader #sub!character #sub hyunsu

[pigeonwhumps]

I’m thinking about Phoenix’s camouflage going crazy when stressed or scared, so Aaron can’t see a wound well enough to treat it. Imagine how terrified they’d be.

Yesss!!! They'd be terrified. Stuck in an endless loop of stressed -> camouflage goes crazy -> terrified at Aaron's imagined reaction -> camouflage goes crazier -> etc

_

"They're terrified!"

"They're injured. And they won't let us see anything!"

"It looks kind of fucked up. Like an old TV set that can't find a channel."

A throat clears.

"Get out. All of you. We will talk later."

Phoenix flinches at the tightness in Aaron's voice. They're already looking away but they squeeze their eyes shut, preparing for the worst.

"Phoenix, you're not in trouble. I need you to take a deep breath for me."

Phoenix tries. They really do. But all they can manage is a short staccato. They feel a tear drip down their cheek and swipe it away, angry at their own helplessness.

They already know they're a freak. They don't need someone else pointing out how fucked up they are.

"Hey. Hey, easy, Phoenix, it's okay. Where are you hurt? Just show me the area, you don't have to speak. I don't want to hurt you, and I can't see anything right now."

Phoenix swallows and gestures to the back of their left shoulder. There's a large burn where the supervillain tried to stop them escaping with her top-secret information, and although they're used to burns Abbie's never given them one so big, or so deep, and it's excruciating. They've been trying so hard not to move their arm, they desperately don't want to scream.

They're not sure they have enough energy to do so anyway, though.

"Okay. You're doing good. If it's okay with you, I'm going to give you a hug." Phoenix nods, and Aaron wraps an arm around their other shoulder, stroking their hair.

They feel themself relax into it. It's almost immediate, their body crying out for a friendly, non-painful touch. Aaron plays with their hair and they almost forget why they're here.

Almost.

"I don't want to alarm you, but how on earth did you make it here without anyone noticing just how injured you are?"

Phoenix recoils. It's not bad, they've had worse, and of course Aaron has ulterior motives in touching them kindly.

"Woah, hey. Easy. Easy, I need to examine your burn."

His voice is calm, implacable, but it won't be for long. If Phoenix doesn't get themself under control right now he'll start getting angry.

Of course, that doesn't help.

Phoenix wishes they could have the cuffs. They'd stop their stupid fucked-looking uncontrollable camouflage. Even though they shouldn't need help, they shouldn't, they're not a child anymore, but they can't stop anything when they're scared.

They're such a coward.

"Take a deep breath. And another one, that's it. I won't hurt you. We need to debride your injury soon, because there's a high risk of infection, but I'll give you painkillers, we can take breaks, and I'll make sure you're warm and on IV fluids and all the rest of it. Okay? I'm not going to hurt you, you're safe, take a deep breath."

Phoenix has no idea what any of this is, they've never had treatment for burns before, they heal on their own. Debridement sounds serious though, it sounds like it hurts, and if Phoenix doesn't control themself will Aaron just do it anyway, ignoring the fact that he might be hitting unburnt skin under the camouflage?

If their mind was in a better place, they'd realise that that doesn't sound like him, but as it is they can't stop shaking, can't slow their breathing, can't stop their powers from going fucking haywire.

Aaron strokes their hair while doing something or other with his tablet. "It's okay, Phoenix, breathe. Just breathe. Please, relax, and let me see the burn if you can. Drop the camouflage if it's possible. I'm not going to hurt you, you're safe."

He still sounds calm, but Phoenix knows there must be anger or frustration or something hidden behind there and they can't calm down. Aaron is the most patient person they know but even he has to get angry at them eventually. And this... this should be more than enough to cause it.

#whump #whump writing #answered ask #phoenix oc #aaron oc #aaron would like to just knock phoenix unconscious #itd be easier and kinder #but he cant do that

[ruthlesslistener]

We sure do live in a society, don't we.

The anons sending you hate are doing my head in. Like, I can completely understand why they bristled at your initial response, because as someone who writes Ghost as an adult in a child's body (hi, Gently, my beloved fic that is drowning from my dead muse), I had a kind of similar "hey wait" response at first.

But then you CLARIFIED. You took the time to ask, listen and let others educate you on another POV. It may not have changed your own personal HCs (and that's OK!!!), but you clarified your meaning was not people like me - it was not the average person who spurred it - and that's all anyone can really ask for. You don't have to agree with or ask people.

The best part of fandom is taking bits and pieces of each other's ideas and using them to decorate our sand castles and make them our own. That means "I wouldn't spin it that way but I liked reading how you did it." It also sometimes means "Oh I cannot get behind that but I respect your right to."

I think it says a lot that people are on anon, rather than actually talking to you and giving you a chance to engage with them one-on-one. I'm not sure I would label them trolls. I think their feelings got hurt and they are lashing out because of it, in an impolite way, rather than stopping to listen to explanations. I am going to give the benefit of doubt and assume that ill-intent wasn't meant, and that the reason they're on anon is that anxiety has them going "if I say it on my main, I'm going to get flamed because I offended popular tumblr user." To that I say: If you weren't on anon, Aren could've replied privately to you, and likely would have. A one-on-one conversation can go a large way for trying to clear up misunderstandings.

TBH, I probably could've just sent all of this on Discord but I just am frustrated. Asks like the ones you received are why I am terrified of sharing my own headcanons, why I assume anyone asking me ANY opinions has bad faith, and why everything I say has a giant ass disclaimer on it with "THIS IS LIKE, JUST MY OPINION GUYS" and we shouldn't have to do that. We shouldn't have to sit and police everything that we say because Someone Might Twist It.

Anyway, sorry. I just needed to put this out here because I was about to blow up on my own blog. lmao

Thank you tumblr user grollow I appreciate it immensely and I agree with everything you said about fandom being a sandbox made more fun by people having different ideas that make things fun to play with. It's just that I've been off in my corner playing relatively on my own for a bit, which kinda fucks over the amount of context you get on things a bit. And also the miscommunication had the misfortune of landing squarely in the intersection between 'things I really don't like' and 'things that have a canon basis but lack canonical descriptive details', turning it into a shitshow. Which I really really fucking wish didn't happen, even if I did enjoy discussing the pros and cons of different mental interpretations of Ghost and was able to come to the conclusion that it's about as appealing to me as a slice of apple pie. Which is to say, I like certain bits of it and will gladly nibble at said bits, but if there's any other option out there I'd take it over pie anyday. It's not bad and I certainly do enjoy it in extremely specific context, but it also doesn't appeal to me in the slightest and there's certain parts that I refuse to touch altogether (the texture of cooked fruit makes me cringe and nauseates me, much like the idea of Ghost being an adult trapped in a child's body from a horror perspective incites panic). But that's fine, bc then I can just plop the filling onto a friend's plate for their enjoyment, and nibble away at the bits I like in piece. My dislike of pie doesn't extend to the people who enjoy it, nor do I get upset when my brother refuses to eat what I cook for him. He's picky, I'm picky, I've got no right to judge. He's just as valid for saying my cream cheese frosting is gross as I am for thinking him refusing to eat anything but mac n cheese and scrambled eggs is gross. Same concept with fandom here

(And honestly, my judgement on the whole minor/adult thing is seperate from Ghost as a character altogether. I'm of similar mind with Miquella of Elden Ring, who is canonically an adult trapped in a child's body. Having a relationship with him in his child form would be fucked up- hell, even Mohg goes for breaking the curse first, and Mohg is canonically fucking insane! This isn't something limited to just one fandom, it's a hard line I draw in fiction in general)

Also yeah, I totally would have just worked it out in private, but I get the feeling the anon thinks I'm running some sort of clique or something over here where I would have twisted it into clout somehow. Which needless to say, I would not fucking do. Can't say this enough, but I'm autistic as all getout and had to deal with that enough in high school so I have nothing but contempt for that sort of behavior.

#ashe im not tagging ur blog i dont want it coming up in the ship tag #but tysm i hope i was coherent #reply #(also to clarify: mohg is still terrible but i think the goal was to age miquella up first so that the formless mother hsd a host) #(so still for very nefarious purposes)

[gon-and-killuas-mother]

so frustrated with my dad. he tells me, in a loving father voice, that if i want to change my life and do more and see the world, i just need to change my mindset

i'll give him that yeah, i could use a few adjustments to my "mindset", i have this helplessness about me that isn't always warranted. i know i have the ability to choose to go to bed sooner so i can wake up earlier. i know i can choose to make all sorts of changes that could bring me a lot of relief and stability.

but i just want to scream "changing my mindset won't cure my fibromyalgia, or give me the ability to eat freely without fear of pain, or fix my POTS and pain induced fatigue."

the problem is. that's the mindset he wants me to change. he thinks i can do whatever i want regardless of my limitations, and i should set higher goals so i can see the world and do impossible things because i can.

what's so infuriating is that i so desperately want the things he wants for me. i want to climb mountains, travel the world, swim with whales. i want to learn kendo and roller skating and modern dances. i want to go on road trips with my friends for no other reason than to enjoy the journey.

and i feel so robbed of it. i'm missing out on so much life has to offer because of how terrified i am of being caught in an IBS episode and having to use a public restroom, because of how much pain and exhaustion driving or even just riding in cars for long periods makes me.

i've physically improved in the few months since moving in with my dad just bc i have to use the stairs multiple times a day and walk further distances to get from my room to the kitchen. i can walk up a short hill now with only a little pain! but walking still hurts. basic chores are a little easier but still take more spoons than a normal person.

my dad means well. he wants to see me happy and it bothers him to watch me drift through existence. he's a man of action, and he can't comprehend why i'm so hesitant to "participate in life".

but he's never been disabled, outside of sports injuries. he's a physically fit, athletic middle aged man defying norms by leading boxing workouts with guys half his age, by climbing 14,000 ft mountains, by being a well known soccer referee when most refs are, at minimum, fifteen years younger. his idea of a vacation is a long, hard hike on challenging paths. "rest" is not something he's familiar with.

how the fuck am i supposed to explain to this man that i'm fighting against my body every single day just to accomplish the barest minimum? how do i explain that self discipline means jack shit when brain fog dominates my existence?

i know i can do better. i know i can be healthier, happier, and able to rely on myself.

it's just. it feels like a slap in the face when he sees this struggle and thinks i'm choosing this life. when he told me i shouldn't lower the goalpost, that i should aim high and ignore my limitations, it felt like he dismissed my disabilities as things to "overcome". as though i haven't been wading through waist high pain and depression just to survive.

that fucking hurts. he believes he's being helpful, and there's probably some gain in challenging me bc some part of me wants to take up that challenge. but i really fucking wish he would stop treating me like an able-bodied person.

sigh. anyway. i'm so tired of this.

#tink rambles #vent #personal #disability

[a-writer-on-elm-street]

Do You Love Me?

Pairing: Steve x GN!Reader

Summary: You and Steve have been together for a few months now, but you've been worried about the possibility that you might never be able to love him, despite how much you want to.

Warnings: Some strong language, angst.

A/N: So the inspiration for this is literally something I've been feeling for the past week or so lol. Anyway, this will be very angsty (in my opinion) but I hope you enjoy. Also, I really hated hurting Steve like this but he seemed to be the most fitting character to use for the situation...sorry.

The last time you were in a relationship you were in middle school, and even then, you weren't even sure it counted as a real relationship. You probably only hugged a handful of times, and the relationship had run its course after about two months. Since then, nobody would even spare you a second glance. Although it wasn't exactly like you were in the right headspace for a relationship.

But a few months ago, you took a chance and went out with Steve Harrington. You worked with him at Scoops and you enjoyed talking to him. He asked you out about a month after you started working there, and you said yes. And things were going good until it started to get serious between the two of you.

Now you were sitting on his couch, his arm draped over your shoulders, whilst you watched a movie. Although you weren't even really watching it. You were too busy trying to sort through the mess in your head.

You'd been with Steve now for a few months, and a few weeks ago you'd begun to think that you might be starting to feel more for him. You thought you might love him, except you didn't even know what love felt like. You'd been alone so long that you were worried you didn't know how to function in a relationship anymore, like maybe you just weren't made to be around people. And that was what scared you.

You cared about Steve, and you wanted to be with him, but you also didn't want to hurt him. And that's what you were worried would happen if you stayed with him.

"Hey, are you okay?" Steve asked, pulling you away from your thoughts.

You blinked a few times, turning to look at him. "What?"

"Are you okay? You seemed a little out of it."

"I need to talk to you about something."

"Okay..." He answered, a slight look of confusion crossing his features as he looked at you.

"Do you love me?" You asked him. "I know it's a little forward...but do you?"

"Well...yeah, I guess I do. Why?"

Your heart clenched in your chest then as you let out a shaky breath. "It sounds stupid but I don't know what it feels like to love someone. I don't even know if I can love someone. And I'm worried that if I stay with you I'll only be leading you on."

"Are you trying to break up with me?"

"I just...don't wanna hurt you."

"Well you're kinda hurting me now."

"It's just...I care about you Steve, so much." You choked out, tears brimming in your eyes as you tried to explain yourself. "But I'm a fucking mess and I've just been alone for so long that I don't even know if I'll ever be able to love you. And I don't wanna break up with you, but I also don't wanna hurt you further down the line."

"So are you breaking up with me?"

"I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know?!" You could see the frustration in his eyes now as he sat up straighter.

"I mean I want to be with you but I can't give you what you want."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"You want a family Steve, six kids like you said...you want someone who can love you but I don't know if that's me." You cried, your chest aching as you looked at him through teary eyes. "I want to give you that future but I'm scared that I won't be able to."

You didn't even give him a chance to respond before you got up and retreated to the guest room. You meant every word you said. You wanted to give him his dream of a loving wife and a bunch of kids, but you were terrified you would never be able to give it to him.

You didn't even bother to turn the light on as you crossed the room and climbed onto the bed. And you couldn't stop the tears from falling as you laid with your body curled up on the mattress, staring vacantly at the closed bedroom door. You felt like you were going to fall apart as you laid there thinking over everything that had just happened.

You never meant for it to go like that, but you weren't sure what you were even expecting in the first place. Part of you wanted to stay with Steve in the hope that one day you would love him, but the other side of you wanted to cut ties with him in case you never could love him.

You'd probably laid there for about half an hour before the door finally creaked open. You remained completely still as Steve rounded the bed, coming to lay behind you, his arms snaking around your waist as he pressed his face into your hair.

"Do you love me?" He asked you, and you could feel his hands shaking slightly as they remained secured around your waist.

"I want to."

"I don't care about kids. I care about you, about us."

"It's not just about kids though, is it?" You said. "What if we stay together and it turns out I can't love you? I don't want us to stay together if I can't love you. You deserve someone who can love you as much as you love them. But me? I'm just...broken."

"(y/n), we've only been together a few months."

"But what if I never feel it?"

"Then we'll cross that bridge when we come to it."

You turned around then to face him, and you could see the hurt in his eyes. "Steve, I can't promise you a perfect future, okay? I just can't."

"Look, we're still young, we don't have to think about all that stuff now." He assured you, bringing a hand up to stroke the side of your face as he smiled at you. "So for now, I just wanna be here with you. I don't wanna think about love or families or perfect futures. Can we just stay here like this for a while?"

"Yeah, we can."

[Main Masterlist] [Steve Masterlist]

#steve harrington #steve harrington x reader #steve harrington angst #steve harrington x reader angst #steve harrington oneshot #steve harrington imagine #steve harrington fanfic #steve harrington fanfiction #steve harrington x y/n #steve x reader #steve x reader oneshot #joe keery #stranger things #stranger things fanfic #stranger things oneshot

[bananastarion]

hello :)

I saw your post about you deleting your own art. I think a lot of people on here know the feeling, I know I certainly do. I immediately felt weirdly grandmotherly about what you said in your tags, like, oh no! oh poor baby! here, have some raisin cookies and some tea, let me hug you, nanny's here or whatever X)

I have deleted some stuff in the past as well (I write). It can feel better this way, it's a kind of mental hygiene, yea?

But listen, honey. That's the point. I'm making a bit of an assumption here, but to me it's downright terrifying to post the thing I've poured my heart and soul into and send it out into the webs. Maybe it's a little like taking your kid too school for the first time. If it (your art) doesn't do as well, if, for some reason, it doesn't seem to resonate with your audience as much as it does with you, that's incredibly hurtful.

So, because I feel that pain, I really do, I'd like to share THE best creative advice I've ever gotten:

When I was experiencing bad writer's blog, a GORGEOUS writer here on tumblr whom I admire very much, said this: "We (writers and artists) are capable of an incredible feat of self love. Ideas build up in our heads, long before we start actually creating. Then, one day, out of the blue, we sit down and type the first word" (or draw the first pencil stroke in your case, yes?) "people who don't create, have no idea how much it takes to do that." And that will probably never change. Sad, but true. That is sometimes reflected in the amount of response we get. (fuck notes am i right) Letting yourself get too dependent on that can feel really poisonous. It is, I believe, the exact opposite of that self love. The perceived "love" other people show for our work. It sucks the life right out of you. Everybody feels the need for that praise. When we fall in love with another person, we feel the same urge to tell them and shout it out into the world. But we also have that instinct to keep it (the love, the art) to ourselves, protect and shelter it. Think of a teenager in love for the first time. They may be more likely to blurt it out, unaware that people don't always respond to us as tenderly as we may wish. And that hurts, like hell.

But no matter how frustrated you get, always, always try to find your back to that! The self love! And self love doesn't mean seeing no flaws in your art, never criticizing or questioning what you do and how "well" you do it. It means to KEEP DOING IT, no matter what. Take breaks if you need to, breaks are great. But always get back to the self love. That is why we do it, I think.

So post if you feel ready for it. Or don't if you need to swaddle that babe for a little while longer (what). But keep creating and keep loving it.

If you need a partner in crime and art, please: feel free to hit me up anytime. We could be accountability buddies, or art buddies or the agony-that-is-the-creative-process-buddies, or just friends :)

And if this monstrositiy of unsolicited advice is totally missing the point, feel free to ignore me. :)

Sorry it took me a minute to get back to you, I've been super busy this week helping my dad plan a wine dinner ahdjkfh it's a whole thing... anyway.

It was really kind of you to take the time to write all of this for a stranger, so thank you. I used to be a prolific writer and artist, it would just flow out of me effortlessly. It was never on a professional level or anything, but I didn't do it to impress anyone. I did it entirely for myself.

Then some things happened in my life that destroyed my confidence (not just in my art, but in general) and my creativity suffered immensely. I developed a terrible block that has lasted for years, with no end in sight. Every time I try to get back into things, I find myself frustrated that my output isn't even close to par with what I had done years ago. And most of my work from the past has been lost or destroyed, so I have nothing to show for it. It feels so frustrating, like some part of me has been lost that I can't recover, and now that I'm older it feels too late to bother trying to get it back. So when I finally, actually try while fighting my block every step of the way, putting in a tremendous effort for a lackluster result, only to have my perceptions (seemingly) confirmed by receiving no validation, it really hurt me in a way I wasn't expecting it to. I was considered a prodigy as a child, but my skills quickly stagnated and declined as I got older due to mental health issues... I feel like I let everyone who once believed in me down. Even my own mom, who has a masters degree in art, said "You were good for a child, but you're just not very good anymore. Maybe it's time to find something else", and that was kind of the final nail in the coffin for me.

I think you hit the nail (different nail than the one in the coffin...lol) on the head, that it's not my creativity I've lost, but my self love. Your insight was beautifully said, and rings true. Sorry to just dump my life story on you here, but thanks for listening and caring. It sounds like you can relate, and I'm sorry that you can, but I'd be happy to help encourage you and engage with your creative work as well! Hit me up any time! You seem like an awesome person, and your message was in tune and on time for me. :)

[divorcingjimmatthews]

huge spoilers for s2e8 forest for the trees!!

okay watching this episode upset me NGL :'))) so much bad stuff happened the whole "get hurt in your dreams" thing is terrifying and so are the cicadas (boyd's worms were larvae?). we saw the community get splintered all through the second season so it doesn't even feel like they're all together in this like it did by the end of s1. each group is up to their own thing and not talking to each other because they don't trust each other—it hurts

seeing that some of the attempts that the characters made at connecting or reconnecting through the season actually failed was very painful. it really feels like things are getting broken beyond repair and i hate that feeling. at least we have the really cute and soft situation going on with ethan, julie, victor and mrs liu—ethan and julie telling victor about the internet was literally the sweetest and funniest thing. my heart is so full of love for this man

jade and victor

speaking of victor, it's understandable that he has been withholding information. he literally thinks that trying to leave will get everyone killed. it's also understandable that jade got so frustrated with him—he thinks that not trying to leave will get everyone killed. given the new terrors that are brewing, it's a good thing that tabitha was there to gently nudge the answers out of victor. yay tabby!

jim and randall

as for jim—i'm just gonna say that i've seen people on the main FROM server call him tinfoil jim and it didn't not get a chuckle out of me, LOL. he said that he wasn't gonna let this place turn him into someone he's not, and that's good, both he and jade are clearly struggling back and forth against the effect the place is having on them and i'm rooting for them to come out on top, but dammit, sometimes it just hurts to watch.

jim, couldn't you have waited until you could touch base with tabby about this? and the "interrogation" scene... what are you even doing, jim... T_T at least he's realised it now, let's just hope it wasn't too late

boyd and donna

the whole thing happening with team boyd is the biggest point in favor of victor's approach—did he bring all that shit along with him back from his quest? :') what is even the point of being able to kill the monsters if you've got much worse threats around now, that can get you inside your home and hurt you in your dreams. the whole thing is making me so anxious that it's basically making me want to agree with victor and donna and say that living out your days in the town the best you can is the best case scenario here. anyway—i guess that ship's sailed now. they gotta find a way out...

not even gonna talk about randall cuz im so disappointed istg T_T

EDIT: thought i should make it clear that i don't think what's happening to jim is his own fault. he would not be this close to his limit if donna and team boyd didn't keep everything under wraps. they should realise that what they're doing is causing the opposite effect of what they were hoping for. the issue here is that they don't trust their own people, they only trust their own judgement, and that's pretty fucking bad. and it's a self-fulfilling prophecy too because they've got people like jim looking insane because they're acting on incomplete or deliberately skewed information. i understand that they're dealing with more than anyone should have to be dealing with but damn. mistakes were made man :(

EDIT 2: i'm so worried that boyd is going to die because "nevermind i'll tell you later :)" is so ominous like ellis you're in a story!! there may not be a later!!!!

#spoilers epix from #epix from

[elsecrytt]

I can't believe this. You really??? Just went and wrote??? Yandere Diavolo smut??? UMPROMPTED. UNREQUESTED. You just, just did that, you just fed us all out of the goodness of your heart? This bountiful, glorious feast. This is the best yandere Diavolo I have read. This is just, all of my kinks, my favorite character, and it's FREE? Bless you, bless this fic, bless the mind that it sprang from the hands that typed each word and the keyboard it was written on. Amen.

FIRST OF ALL.

THE ATTEMPT AT INTIMACY.

OF COURSE even the most patient yandere is going to start to get worn down by constant rejection. And sex is one of the most intimate things you can do. Diavolo using sex to get close to his darling, acting like it's normal, loving sex even though he's raping them is just, so twisted. Like it's exactly what yandere is about, the twisted sense of love and intimacy and the thin delusion holding it all together in the yandere's mind. And of course he never once crosses a line in his mind, no matter what he does to them, how awful they feel, he still thinks it's okay because he's technically not hurting them and that's just. Gotta be horrifying to be on the other side of. There's no reasoning with it, you can't even get him to admit he's hurting you, just that disconnect between how sweet he talks and what he's actually doing,, you know?

AND THE SEX ITSELF!

Diavolo exploring your body, experimenting, acting like it's for your pleasure, like really he's such an unreliable narrator because just like in the game he'll never admit how selfish he actually is. Actively conditioning them, using sex toys as a punishment then framing it as if he genuinely thinks they do/should enjoy it... and all while he's working them up to take his cock. Selfish. I hate yanderes who degrade or hurt their darling, especially during sex, it just makes me feel sick. Yanderes pinning/restraining their darling gently? Focusing exclusively on their body's pleasure, no matter how unwilling they are? Sweet nothings, praise, reassurance while their darling is literally crying, struggling, so terrified and ashamed? Yes, yes, yes! That is the good shit! The forcefulness, the adoration, the false comfort, just. So good. Is that fucked up to think?

I just love everything that's going on here. Diavolo is at least three times as evil as he presents himself, he's not nearly so delusional as he would like you to believe and as a darling that's gotta be so frustrating. Diavolo wanting to train you, experimenting with all the ways he can make you cum and then trying to do more, playing your body like an instrument, and there's nothing you can do about it but sing along. Just. Yeah.

Sorry if this is a little incoherent, it's way past my bedtime. I hope you have a great day. I love all your yandere work you are the best at it 💖💖💖

so this is from aaaaages ago but i was going through a bunch of my older asks and came across this and ahhhH.

first of all, anon, idk who you are or where you came from but i hope you know that dropping this in my inbox straight up made my week.

i try not to worry or fuss over how many people see/reblog/comment on my work, but every now and then i feel a bit isolated from my friends in fandom; it's hard for me to reach out to them sometimes.

tumblr works really well in this sense bc sometimes ppl will just approach me anonymously and say a little hello or pass on an idea or something. a nice little pick-me-up,,, <3

but also that you enjoyed a thing i wrote this much and went into detail about what you like about it? that's the stuff of fic writer wet dreams skdfghklhfg.

i appreciate it so, so much, and i'm thankful you took the time to express it. it really means a lot to me, and it did a lot to encourage me and make me feel good about writing in general when i was feeling a bit listless about it.

anyways. skfhgjlfh. discussion of yandere/noncon/etc. under the cut.

it looks like our tastes in yanderes really match up! a lot of what you outline here is specifically what i enjoy~

"And of course he never once crosses a line in his mind, no matter what he does to them, how awful they feel, he still thinks it's okay because he's technically not hurting them"

that's exactly the brand i was going for,, i don't care much for violent yanderes, or yanderes who physically hurt their partners. i just don't really get off much on the reader!insert being in pain.

one of the things i like the most about noncon is that it's a form of violence that doesn't have to involve pain - and the fact that it doesn't involve pain can even be more alarming for the victim than the alternative.

it's easy to be angry and mad - it's easy to know how to feel, to know where you stand, when someone is inflicting violence on you, when someone is hurting you.

when you're being forced to feel good? when it's pleasant - fantastic, mind-blowing, even? combined with a sense of loss of control, of being violated, but not painfully? it's a total mindfuck and it's one of my favorite parts of yandere/noncon stuff.

"Yes, yes, yes! That is the good shit! The forcefulness, the adoration, the false comfort, just. So good. Is that fucked up to think?"

yes, it is fucked up, and it is one of the more disturbing parts of noncon, and that's the part i love the best. i want it twisted, i want it DARK, i want it unsettling!

i'm going to be honest and say that i do enjoy and primarily consider yandere to be a romance trope. no matter how fucked up it is, i want to be able to see something that looks like love in it.

and i like the horror; and to me, the horror comes from feelings that i can recognize as love and affection, but have become so distorted that they no longer act like that.

be it in boundaries not being respected, poor communication and social skills, insecurity and selfishness, protective fear, or self-serving delusion,, i want to see that there is something real, something there, even if it's been twisted and irreparably ruined, even if it was poisoned from the start.

hhhh just!! "Diavolo is at least three times as evil as he presents himself, he's not nearly so delusional as he would like you to believe and as a darling that's gotta be so frustrating."

YOU GET IT!! YOU KNOW WHAT'S UP!! diavolo is not stupid or oblivious. he can tell you don't want to do this with him. he just doesn't think it's as big of a deal as you do - it feels good, doesn't it?

he doesn't necessarily think he's being evil, but i do think there's... some disconnect between how much diavolo knows he's hurting people by violating their boundaries (there's an event or two where he admits to barbatos that he's just having fun messing with lucifer), and how much he just sees himself as being innocently playful, and dismisses the feelings of the people he's hurting.

diavolo is certainly smart enough to understand "no". he's very, very perceptive and he can tell you're upset, he can even tell that you're likely to throw "fits" if he takes you in public, all of that. diavolo understands how you feel well enough to predict your actions.

but he doesn't understand how you feel - or what it is you feel - enough to know not to do it. and you know what? maybe he doesn't have to.

because the most delicious and fucked-up part of all this yandere stuff is that it could very possibly work.

in the creepy gaslighting way that i can never see physically harmful yandere things working, diavolo's relationship here could very well end with the reader just. calling it quits and at least going along with him, if only to spare themselves the mental anguish and frustration.

no, it doesn't stop being noncon just because you're "consenting" because you're sick of feeling traumatized by being touched without your consent... but with how diavolo acts, it's a really easy lie to swallow, isn't it?

and as a note, i do think this is one of the things that a lot of yandere writers find too creepy, because it's a lot more realistic and can hit closer to home for some people.

perfectly understandable - as well as the logical narrative problem of like... where to go from there, since the main conflict has kinda been resolved. to me, it makes a good natural ending point.

asjdklfhd anyways. diavolo (and satan, although i haven't gotten to him - my ideas with him are significantly darker) is one of my very favorites for yanderes, and i'm glad you enjoyed!!!

thank you once again very much for sharing your thoughts, i really, really appreciate it <3

#anon asks #elsey rambles #people being nice to elsey

[rainbowcrowley]

your internship post reminded me of something. i’m going to tell you a story

many years ago i got a job i had really wanted. the people were pleasant and accepted that i was a bit different from them, but they were much more ordinary than me. they might have been open to being educated on things, but they’d lived their whole lives oblivious to many disadvantages that had affected me. it wasn’t just that they hadn’t been subject to those disadvantages, they didn’t really know anyone who had. people like me were theoretical to them, and they’d never given us much thought

and slowly i realised that if i educated them, in their eyes i would be making myself more and more weird, and more and more a symbol of specific categories than a person. so in a way, the more they understood the things that matter to me, the less they would see me as an individual person.

they weren’t bad people, but i censored myself around them. often i didn’t say things because i wasn’t up for the effort of explaining myself. and the more i didn’t say things, the worse i felt, especially when i left the office and relaxed. it was fucking lonely.

i was even less open with my friends because i was emotionally tired after a long day with my colleagues. if i’d had someone (or someones) who got what i was going through and helped me talk about it i probably could have made it through if it was a fixed term. but i didn’t have someone like that, i wasn’t emotionally aware enough to realise that was what i needed, and it was a permanent job..

so i left and lied about why i was leaving because i didn’t want to hurt their feelings!

i’m not presuming your experience is super similar, just sharing in case there’s enough we have in common that it sheds a tiny bit of light. just the fact that you can see the danger sign even if you don’t know quite why you’re feeling it is an advantage. that type of self awareness is so valuable. i wish you happiness and success, whether that comes through finding a better way to make it through the internship, or finding another route to take in your life

i got this ask over a month ago and i always wanted to get back to it and answer it, but I couldn't find the right words. idk if the person who sent me this is even going to see it but.. I'm very sorry for not posting it sooner. the first time I read this it actually helped a lot. and I'll forever be thankful for that <3 i hope you're doing well too!

why am I posting/sharing this now? bc my internship is almost over and I have a lot of Feelings.

an update on the overall situation: it got better. i still feel somewhat out of place, but I accepted that. i think it's just the Queer Experience? like I have my lil bubble of queer friends, online and offline, but "the real world" is, in fact, not that. obviously DUH. idk whether I'm just being weird or naive or so out of touch with said "real world" that this fact hit me so hard. I always thought I knew it, but... yeah, experiencing it firsthand brought me down to earth HARD.

anyway.

my supervisor and colleagues are no bigots. they didn't say anything bad or hurtful, but it's clear that the same thing anon said happened here, too, in a way. thing is... I censored myself completely. i was (still am) so terrified of showing the "real me" that I HAVE to censor myself. and it's fine, really. let's say I'm used to it (looking at you, dear extended family) and I can live with that. it's frustrating and tiring sometimes, but it's fine.

so right now there are other parts of the internship that bother me. things that don't have to do with the social aspects of it. things like the long commute, the fact that I didn't learn any new cool things like I expected and it can get pretty boring sometimes when there's nothing to do (which happens in IT support... sometimes things just WORK and you're sitting in the office doing nothing twiddling your thumbs besides being on stand-by). and my teacher and social worker want me to extend the internship bc I'm good at what I'm doing but I just..... UGH. I just don't feel like it. and idk if it's bc of all that happened, or that anon said above, or all the things that bother me or if it's just my depression acting up (again) bc I've not been doing great over the past few weeks in that particular department for reasons that have nothing to do with work.

i don't know what to do or feel and it's annoying. I'm just so tired. (and I need therapy like, right now. meh.)

thanks for reading <3

#no worries I'm on the waiting list for a long-term therapy but I live in Germany so its gonna take A WHILE #also I'm physically safe and in a good support system #it's just... grinding on me. using up all my energy and resources #ugh #ask #answered #Anonymous #long post

[asexual-means-no-attraction]

So I wrote an entire thing but I chickened out at the last moment and deleted it. But still I want to get this off my chest so here's a (still laughably long) tl;dr: while respectability politics and sex negativity are a problem in the lgbt community, and hypersexual/poly/kinky lgbt people deserve better than to be thrown under the bus for everyone else's sake, I'm super frustrated by how all arguments against the hypersexualization of lgbt people and inherent association of kink and polyamory to the community are immediately dismissed as respectability politics or kink/polyphobia.

Because while, again, I have absolutely nothing against responsible promiscuity, kink or polyamory, I'm a bi man who was sexually harassed specifically because of my sexuality, and I grew up seeing 99% of lgbt characters in media be painted as either exotic porn tropes only existing for cishet people's enjoyment or dangerous predators who get visibly excited from being physically/sexually abused. While I haven't been unicorn hunted yet, several of my bi friends have, because the assumption is that a bisexual must want a threesome.

It's not sex positive, it's terrifying and dehumanizing. It's an excuse for cishet people to hurt and harass you on the assumption that you deserve it and will enjoy it anyway, to censor any sort of portrayal of lgbt people as "obscene" and "not suitable for children".

It's also very demoralizing as someone living in a homotransphobic country to see people in blue US american states rave about how q*eerness is defined by being kinky, having a polycule and liking flannel and frogs or someshit instead of, you know. Actually being lgbt. So my struggles are worth nothing?

I think this falls into a very very big thing when it comes to LGBT activism and representation. And while you are right, there is more to add onto it.

We are only now-- in the USA, I won't speak for other countries-- starting to get to the point where bring LGBT is seen as normal. Nothing strange about it. Nothing unique. Just part of being yourself like any cis or straight person.

Before that it was, and still sometimes is, seen as a kink. Everything about being LGBT was about sex. Nothing else mattered in societies eyes. I remember in 2014 a friend's dad calling my schools LGBT club a "sex club." The over sexualization isn't new. Just like you, anon, have described. We have been shown, described, and called so many insults related to being hyper sexual. And that's not good.

So the responses ended up stemming in two directions-- one being a hypersexual response and the other a hyposexual response.

(note these are just the responses that I've seen. The LGBT community is not at fault for how it's been shown in media because the media will always twist things how ever they want)

Hypersexual response:

-lgbt people saying fuck it. And just enjoying themselves however they want. If you're gonna be seen as a sex addict, you might as well go have enjoyable sex.

-when you are forced to repress yourself for a long time and are finally in an environment where you are allowed to express yourself, you often go really far out with it. If you've been hiding your same sex attraction everywhere you go an finally we in a spot where you're allowed to kiss someone of the same sex-- well it makes sense you're gonna wanna kiss as a many as you can. You don't know when you'll be able to again. Dunno when this place will be taken away from you. Repression causes explosions.

-a big part of LGBT activism is showing that LGBT sex is just as natural as straight/cis sex. Straight/cis sex is shown a lot in media (not talking about porn. But a lot of shows have pda). It's important to show that with LGBT couples too. I'm not saying they do it well in media. But the more people see it portrayed well, the more natural it becomes in their brains.

Hyposexual response-

-a lot of shows will show an LGBT couple but not give them any sort of actual romantic moment. Maybe a date here and there, but not even a kiss. The fear often being the response of any homophobic audience members.

-its important to show the not sex side of relationships. The dates, the laughs, the flirting. The relatability to it helps people connect with the LGBT characters and again, see that the love is natural. But having ONLY these kinda moments all the time can lead to the idea that we aren't sexual at all. It went in the opposite direction of hyper sexual and refused to show anything sexual at all.

Just in general I find a lot of activism and representation either overly sexualizes the LGBT community (focusing on kink positivity, etc) or rips the idea of sex away from everything and acts like it has no right to be involved.

And I think a middle ground is needed. We are both under and over sexualized, and both are bad. Over sexualization is more likely to get you harassed and is definitely more dangerous physically. But the under sexualization can make it harder to show affection in public which is also an issue.

The two definitely feed into each other too. I've seen many a shows with lesbians where they're barely allowed to be sexual, and then there's a whole genre of porn where they're overly sexualized. You're only allowed to be sexual when its for a specific kind of consumption, any other time you're not allowed to show affection.

I'm not saying there isn't good representation. There is. And it's getting better! And that should be celebrated. But I definitely feel like our responses to the hyper sexualization of the community might not be the best approach. Like anon talked about, we shouldn't focus everything on kink, poly, etc etc, it's definitely something that needs approached. And it feels like our approaches are only ever "all about sex" or "sex doesn't exist."

But that's my experiences with stuff as an American. I can't speak for everyone. But it's definitely something worth discussing. Lastly, I don't feel like proof reading this so if something is wrong fuck it.

#answered #ask #discourse #lgbt discourse #long post

[catspinach]

talking about personal stuff involving alcohol use under the cut. pls like if u read please xx

I've been reflecting on my alcohol consumption now vs how it was in the past, and there really was a period where I was drinking with my friends every single night and throwing up every single morning. I'd say that "I just can't hold down my liquor" and continue to do that every single night, briefly while I was taking classes (which I failed). My friend at the time would invite me to drink with her because if I didn't join her then she would just drink alone. I figured that having dealt with an alcoholic friend before and understanding how hard it can be on the people around you that I would be fine, and I was concerned for her safety and felt more comfortable if she drank with someone, so I started drinking with her a lot and it eventually got to me. I realized how bad it had gotten one night when I got really fucking drunk at a bon fire. I think I had 11 drinks? My girlfriend had kind of a talk with me while we walked back to my house and It reminded me of the time I had to stumble home with my drunk friend I mentioned earlier. I peed in my yard also. One time I peed off of a train track bridge sorry I'm stoned while typing this anyways it was decently early on that I realized that I had a problem but that didn't stop me from drinking. I'd spend like $100/week on alcohol, getting that $6 shit discount liquor and whiteclaws to mix it with/use as a chaser. It was definitely not Classy alcohol consumption and I was drinking every night at this point and feeling so shameful when I wasn't able to go a full week without it. This went on for months and I have no idea if my family caught on tbh but they never mentioned anything to me:/

Fast forward to March when I had finally dealt with the worst hangover of my life along with the withdrawal symptoms that came with not dinking. I told myself I am not fucking going thru that shit again bc I honestly rly should have been hospitalized. Drinking at that point made me get panic attacks, so I was able to stop for like a month before getting back on my bullshit, but this time I was able to approach alcohol just a little more appropriately. Still very much on an alcoholic level but now I was doing a lot better at making sure I wasn't getting sick every morning. I was kind of in a weird state for a while then where I knew I still depended on alcohol but would strictly only let myself drink the 375ml bottles of liquor a day tops. That worked with me because I was able to get pretty relaxed but didn't have to deal with hangovers. A few weeks ago I've been going a bit harder and I had a moment last week where I got a terrible hangover from drinking a full big bottle of New Amsterdam, leading to withdrawal symptoms when I didn't continue to drink. It's terrifying not knowing how long you're gonna feel like you are literally dying. It can go on for days! You can't comprehend how stressful it is on the body, both physically as well as mentally, unless you experience it first hand.

My final message: last night I drank a 375ml bottle of E&J, then walked my drunk little ass over to the gas station to buy a 6-pack, which I finished, and today my tummy hurt ofc! It was very manageable but it's still frustrating to see that I'm unwilling to stop despite having a massive breakthrough during my last phase of withdrawal idk I really thought that I have accepted that I can't drink but ig not

#id like to add that I don't blame the friend who kinda got me started #at least not completely #poor influence but she has her own problems too and she didn't know it would lead to this #I'm lonely lol so if anyone wants to message me on tumblr I'd be happy #like in general I would like to talk to yalls more #I need need need socialization #sobriety

[stardustcrusader]

processing some stuff under the cut

i think for the first time in a long time, i'm actually allowing myself to grieve my last relationship. it's very embarrassing that it's been almost 8 years since it ended, but i think i just lived in denial for a long time about things ever happening again.

i've been re-reading a bunch of my old posts from when i was in college and it's so painfully obvious i was a nervous, depressed wreck because my father was dying of cancer and i had convinced myself that i would never be good enough or on equal footing with my boyfriend at the time.

my mental illness really ruined our relationship, at least on my end. and it makes me really, really sad to see how badly i was doing back then. in the time since, i did a lot of intensive therapy, got medicated, and got a degree. i work full time and am with someone else now, whom i cherish dearly, but deeply-seated parts of me wonder so fucking much if we met again now...

would anything have gone differently?

it hurts me so much to write this out, but he was probably one of the only people in this world i could be around constantly without issue. even with my current partner, i need time to be alone. time to think, time for silence. we complimented each other so well. it never felt like i got tired of him, just that my anxiety would eat me alive inside for one reason or another. i miss the good parts of that. and i think i would've healed, if he gave me the time and grace to do so.

i look back and it also breaks my heart how afraid i was to ask for help. to lean on him in the ways i really needed to. how i would get sad or frustrated after socializing with our friends over board games because i felt like i was being reminded that he was better than me when i wanted us to be equals. i was so insecure and it made me terrified to be the best person i could've been. it makes me so sad to know i felt that way and makes me wish i could extend some additional kindness to my past self.

as much as i resent it, there are parts of me that wish we could meet again. start over. start from scratch. but i know that's just a dream. it would be cruel to subject my partner to the fallout from that dream.

i reached out to him again recently. i think it was selfish in part, but also because i've really been needing some closure and maybe even a friend these days. i doubt he'll ever respond. i still hope he does any time i've looked at my phone in the past three days. i try to let myself be less alert. to relax. it's getting better. slowly.

i think the reality is, it's time for me to grow up. to let go. to be okay with the fact that i will never have another relationship like that--and maybe that's a good thing. but i also need time to be okay with grieving that.

maybe it's just rose-tinted glasses. maybe it's my ocd-adjacent anxiety. maybe i'm just lonely and desperate because there are things in my current relationship i'm working on and want an easy out. i don't know.

it's bad but... i miss my best friend.

i miss playing video games together. i miss waking up next to his snoring in bed, the morning summer light streaming in through the shutters. i miss him showing me girly french pop songs and the way he laughed when we'd get into tickle fights. i miss trying a sip of his beer or coffee and making a yucky face because it was so bitter. i miss talking with his dad about what it was like when his dad passed away. i miss him offering to pay because he knew i was too broke and would stubbornly do it anyways when i refused. i miss playing board games together even when i lost and would feel bad about myself. i miss making red bean buns in the kitchen together. i miss us flirting by showing off our knowledge of biology. i miss the sex. i miss brunch in the mornings on saturdays and ramen in the evenings when we accidentally put off eating until after 9PM and everything else was closed. i miss forcing myself to try a little bit of carrot cake even though i didn't like it because it was his birthday and it was his favorite and i wanted to see if maybe it would be mine, too. i miss helping him with his essays. i miss his stupid puns. i miss walking to the park when it was nice out because it was so close to his house, i wouldn't even have to drive. i miss him shaking his head at me as i tried to explain some new confounded pseudoscience field i read about. i miss walking him to class on campus because some days made it hard to go, so i always wanted to make sure he showed up, even if he wasn't able to do his best. i miss our talks about how playing the trumpet sucked. how math was hard for me and it made me feel like i'd never catch up to everyone else in my degree. i miss his hair; it was so thick and curly it felt like it could never be tamed unless he kept it short. i miss arguing about which pizza we should order because we were too broke to order more than one. i miss it all.

i do so much of this now. but for some fucking reason, it's not enough. it's not the same. it feels so evil the way that everything is burrowed into my heart, into my soul. like if i could trade everything i have now for a second chance, i would. and it hurts because everything i have right now is incredible. i'm so loved. i feel so safe. but every fiber of my being screams out some days that it's not enough.

and i feel so horrible.

maybe some day i'll accept what's come to pass. maybe some day we'll meet again and try again. i don't know. i can't know. it kills me not to know.

#personal #text post #dnt rb #i feel like im a grown ass adult and should be over it #but im not #im really not

[arispensieve]

First day of jerky.

Do I love it? No. Do I hate it? Also no. It is what it is, I suppose.

I just wish that all of the accumulated stress about getting a job would go away, even though I knew even at the time that it wouldn't, it'd all just transfer to I Need To Do This Job I Am So Bad At Job I Am So Anxious Need To Do Job Anyway Oh God What Do I Do.

And then it did! What a surprise!

Right now I'm in my overdramatic tomorrow... AND tomorrow.... AND tomorrow sort of mood that I often get when starting a new job that's going to take up a ton of my time. As if I'm saying to myself, Great. I made some jerky. It was loud and the smell was kind of awful, but so it goes sometimes. You mean I have to do this again? Tomorrow? And the next day, probably? And the next? For months? And it's not even going to teach me any skills or do anything for me but keep me from starving? Who cares if I'm starving, anyway??

Thanks, Sir Patrick Stewart, for giving me the proper intonation with which to elaborate on my despair. (And Shakespeare. I guess.)

In other news, I went to therapy afterwards. Talked a little about it but we're mostly doing groundwork for emdr. Not currently diving into the big shit, which is probably good, but chipping away at why I'm so completely terrified of being sick but really it's needing to do things when I'm sick/I otherwise can't do them which apparently has like 500 different footnotes and a bunch of shitty memories attached. It made me feel hurt and so intensely frustrated, but not quite enough that I would show it outwardly, just enough that I go quiet and reticent.

Randi is good at asking the right questions and then giving me a minute to answer them and listening, so I eventually stopped that as well. Did some visualization, which I hadn't in actual years, and it was nice. Or at least it made some small part of me stop screaming why don't they listen to me?? I would rather never say anything, never stand up for myself, never demand anything, than be forced to do so and be ignored

I am so tired of screaming and being told I don't know what I need or want and I'm so afraid of saying I can't do something anymore and being told that I have to, or I'm not the person they thought I was, or I'm not worth the time and energy if I can't do it

I never even speak up for myself anymore. I have made myself so I do not want anything. Still wasn't enough, but so it goes.

I don't really want to explain that to Piper but I probably will end up trying to, it keeps saying things about how it doesn't really know me

And I know it isn't trying to make me feel like it doesn't want me to talk, just the opposite, but I think its solution would be "well I'm not?? I do want you to talk?? That's just incorrect try again" and I don't want to explain why that doesn't work, either.

I've started self-harming again. I didn't tell Randi. I probably should have. I am starting to hate waking up because it's just more stress and more anxiety and more tasks that I can't do properly.

Fuck it, I'm going to bed so I can wake up tomorrow and do more jerky. And then go to Andover, but I am still going to struggle to tell piper more than like 1 or 2 things. After that, I guess we'll see.

[buddyapologist]

just ranting about ableism and such <3

i have this thing where i Have to see the sides of every issue even when one side is absolutely reprehensible, not in terms of justification but in terms of working backwards to see how someone could come to this reprehensible conclusion, because it's grotesquely fascinating to me how people can start from a relatively milquetoast point A and end up at some disgustingly bigoted horrible point Z. anyway it isn't bigotry but the way "both sides" (if there even are only 2) treat the argument of "mental illness as an excuse" is so fucking frustrating because i can see exactly where people come from and exactly which conclusions make sense and which ones are absolutely bonkers.

mental illness can cause serious disruptions in someone's life in ways that might hurt them and/or other people, but neurotypical people will also accidentally hurt themselves and/or other people. it changes how we perceive the world and our relationships with others and that can make us act based on a perspective that isn't always based on reality. it can make us behave erratically, lash out over what seems like nothing, be terrified of things that don't seem like they should be terrifying, completely shut down and withdraw from stressful situations. neurotypical people will also sometimes do this. to paraphrase another tumblr user, neurodivergence/mental illness is not "traits that only we have and nobody else", it's when certain traits are exaggerated to the point that it interferes with your life.

it really really really fucking frustrates me when random people will allegedly pin their really shitty behavior on addiction and mental illness. because yes, those things can make us do awful stuff! i have done horrible shit while i was addicted and when i was in bad spaces mentally. but every time someone is like "sorry for being racist i have anxiety" it adds to reasons our debilitating disorders don't get taken seriously. you can just be sorry. i'm so fucking sick of people who get called out for being predators or bigots or scammers or just huge assholes and they throw us under the bus in some attempt to excuse their bullshit when it literally never does, it just makes us look worse. a certain celebrity who i won't name apparently has bipolar disorder and is also a raging antisemite. those two things are not related! there are tons of people with bipolar disorder who are NOT raging antisemites!

and these fucking bullshit notes app apologies are SO different from like, apologizing to your friend. if you're a dick to your friend bc of some aspect of your illness and they call you on it it totally makes sense to go "i'm sorry i behaved that way, sometimes having x disorder makes me act a certain way and i'm sorry i took that out on you, i'll do better next time". bc that's NEVER how shitty scammer racist influencers phrase it. they think that they can pass off their bullshit by claiming that they're mentally ill and that makes it okay. neurotypicals will go off with their usual chant of "mental illness is an explanation but not an excuse" and "mental illness is your responsibility" and those aren't even incorrect but i'm so fucking sick of it because WE KNOW. NEURODIVERGENT PEOPLE KNOW THIS. the only people who act like that are people who use our very real very serious conditions that have MORTALITY RATES to try to pass off their behavior. nobody is breaking any new fucking ground when they say this shit. it's the same thing over and over and over again and it's so fucking exhausting as a neurodivergent person whose mental problems have severely fucked with their life and their relationships.

and then neurodivergent people who give them the benefit of the doubt may be like "you're gatekeeping mental illness by saying that these people don't have it" but the thing is, yeah maybe they do actually have it, but i don't care. i do not fucking care. i don't care if racist youtuber #2846 has every diagnosis under the sun, it has no business being in some half assed apology their manager made them post because being racist or any other shitty thing is separate. and i do genuinely understand why people will get mad about people like me saying this stuff, bc a lot of neurodivergent people deal with medical gatekeeping and aren't given proper help or diagnoses bc of poverty or gender or race or just the environment they're in, and that does suck. but i'm not talking about those people. i'm talking about dipshits who try to use it as an excuse while definitely knowing nobody will let them off the hook if they blame depression or whatever. literally all it does is make us look worse.

this is an extremely long rant that nobody will read, i just had to get it out of me before i explode <3

#avery.txt #cw ableism 3495867