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fantasticallyfruity4 · 1 year

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Of all the stranger things boys Billy is the one who would have the hardest time with his scars.

For Eddie, his scars are fucking metal as hell. He thinks they’re so cool. He got into a fight with literal bats out of hell and lived to tell the tale. He’s proud as hell of those things, good luck getting that man to wear a real shirt. Crop top/cut off king from now on.

Steve… Steve’s indifferent to his physical scars. His emotional and mental scars are more taxing, not to be a bummer. But like he rlly doesn’t have much time to contemplate the bat bites on his ribs. It’s not something he worry’s about. he used to be so vain. now, he's very at peace with his body. its just a vessel, and frankly its been very good to him. he's survived demo dogs and bats and Russians. he's very thankful to his body, so he goes pretty easy on it when it comes to vanity and ego. (part of why he's so chill about his chest hair now).

But Billy…

Billy has pretty low fucking self esteem. It’s all an act with him, and he knows he fakes it well, but that's all it is. The machismo, the peacocking. He’s someone who sees a lot of- if not all of his own value in being attractive to other people. in being a good fuck. Not worth much more. the one thing he's good at is sweet talking people and getting in their pants. being hot, pretty. but now, now he's not those things (even if Steve and Eddie swear he's beautiful but he so much more than his appearance). he has these big scars on his chest like he had the worlds most botched autopsy. (‘real attractive’ he grumbles most days getting dressed, a sarcasm to his tone that Steve and Eddie beg to differ with. he wears a shirt alot more these days. long gone in the confident, save man in the low cut button downs. those days are behind him, he is far more covered up these days. Steve hates the billy rarely showers with both or either of them now, and Eddie hates the way billy shifts in his sleep desperately trying to get comfortable when he knows billy just can't sleep in a shirt, but refuses to be shirtless and have his scars perceived unless he absolutely must. when the shirt dint come off the first few times they were intimate after everything, neither man said a thing. and when it happens again from time to time, they don't either.) sometimes the scars hurt too. they burn and get tight and pull and get sensitive to fabrics and the creams and bandages only do so much. and he's got a really fucked up head from that thing coming out of him, too. he's a little hard of hearing (he needs closed captions, “like im someones fucking grandpa” and sometimes he needs things repeated to him 2, 3 times, or he needs them even written out which he hates), and his head acts up sometimes. headaches that just don't quit and leave him throwing up and in bed all day (its called a migraine, honey. my mom gets them, they're a bitch. its okay, were gonna close these blinds and have us a nice lazy day”) he hates it all. he feels weak, like a little bitch, like a nutcase.

the boys try so hard to protect him, to take care of him, to help. but even that In itself makes him fucking mad. he hates that this is his life, and that this is how he has to be.

they kiss his cheeks and shoulders and promise they love every inch of him, including and especially the mementos of his bravery, and he kinda likes how that sounds. he has a long far way to go to his old level of confidence, but with these two beside him its very possible. sometimes when you build something back up its better the second time around than the first anyway.

#mungroveson #mungrove #harringroveson #harringrove

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weaselbug · 2 months

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Godzilla and "non-meaningful" media

now this is coming from a person who use to be like "no, everything that you ever experience should have value and make you think" which was odd cause i like dragon ball. but anyway, i think the idea that everything that you ever experience should have to be meaningful, and full of artistry, is kind of dumb. sometimes things can just be a little painting of a mountain.

that being said, i have been watching the heisei era Godzilla movies, and I'm almost done, only space Godzilla and Destroyah left, and honestly, i really love them. they are really fun movies, and a lot of hard work came from the effects, costumes, and sets.

while i find that some godzilla movies have a hard time splitting between the godzilla action and the human drama, i feel like these get the right ratio, where all the problems are the people dealing with godzilla or something like that. but i think thats what makes these movies great, im watching a godzilla movie, everything about them should be about godzilla. i want the humans to be dealing with godzilla if godzilla isnt on screen.

but let me get to the point of this train of thought in this video made by mothers basement (here is the video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hwRGw9QRMj4)

and honestly, i quite disagree with this video so much, as someone who has delt with a lot of worthlessness, depression, and suicidal ideation. the only thing i agree with in this video is that you shouldn't replace your life with media. but that being said, the idea that you should optimise your life to be the most jam packed with only good experiences is quite frankly not what you should do, yes you should TRY to do that, but its like a dog chasing a car, what the hell are you going to do if you do end up catching that car?

i hate the idea that people cant watch and enjoy things that have no meaning, (these heisei godzilla movies have meaning) because it causes people to unfun sticks in the mud. like yes, the movie would be better if it had great characters and great theming. but it doesn't have to have those things to be worth while.

i think a piece of art/media/culture just needs to be enjoyable for someone to find meaning in it, even if the artist was like "oh yeah, that doesnt mean anything" it means something, sorry! if you found your self enjoying something, thats good. and dont let anyone take that away from you.

also, side note, the people who have only experienced good things in their lives, dont tend to be the best people. i find. like, yes try your best to do good things and experience things that make you feel good, but like try the hard thing. get dirty in the mud.

#anime #dragon ball z #godzilla #mothers basement #sorry for the wall of text #i just wanted to get it off my chest #i hate the feeling that things HAVE to be masterful pieces of art #we all dont just stare at the mona lisa and only the mona lisa #there are art made for fun to look at damn it!

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toinfinitywinning · 2 months

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Moments and massive revelations —the really special realm of Hell.

Stubbornness. Pain. Lament. Jealousy. No Confidence but w/ a good selfie smile b/c ur Dog can’t take pictures, & no stick b/c u Def picked the wrong one or something. I say similar thoughts a lot…and w/ teardrops on my guitar …so I’m paying close attention. This stuff is dangersome.

Okay. I’ll just make a list.

Growth and learning during:

- humility. throw your Pride out the Door-you will need help.

- regardless of the wrong’s you righted before getting sick. They’re still achievements, but they’re not realized. So then you think was it worth it? Yes, but is it too much to ask to bask in it for just a bit? I mean I am talking multiple, major Life changes. Ha—here’s COVID-19. After that you better be in for the Long-Haul too ‘cuz…

- appreciation for the very minute of things we do in a Day. Getting the mail is difficult for me. Brushing my teeth —out of breath so have to incorporate breaks to breathe Right.

- there are more people Who care about you than you ever knew. It’s not just b/c you’re going through this, people just may be more Vocal. Makes complete sense but took me a bit to get there.

- you will want to throw something, scream into a pillow, drown in self pity —some of which you think you don’t deserve or are allowed. Do it anyway. Safely.

- some days u just gotta laugh. I mean fr b/c u can’t even cry. And things R absurd LOL

- regardless of your spiritual Life or beliefs. You’re gonna be angry at the God or State of mind supposed to save you and take it all away. Then realize that’s not at all the point. We’re not puppets. Think of how dull Life would be w/o the ecstasy from an achievement or how mundane if we didn’t have anything to have Faith in or Hope for or Love or forgive. That’s why we’re not born in Heaven maybe. We have to try first. I don’t want to be a Lazarus. I wanna fight. And we may never know an answer or reason to any of it. That’s gonna take a lifetime to settle b/c there is no rationality to be had.

- I do not mean this to pettifog. You actually do find out Who comes through for you. That old country song line.

- it’s possible to have a Good Day even full of Pain and Discomfort but u kinda have to make yourself and accept its potential consequence for participating.

- the little things aren’t little anymore. You envy people Who can do normal things. Things you used to do without a problem in the world.

- I’ve had to do a lot of fixing in my Life. This may not be perfectly fixed. We don’t have a Choice but to either live with it as a strength and inspiration or stay negative and pouty about what once was. Even tho you have every reason to.

- you will learn so much about yourself. So much. And most things I’ve learned have been new revelations. May have always been there but there to manifest as needed. It’s not all great but I’m not the same person just a few more grayish hairs.

- you will experience numbness. You can sit with it & pull your compression socks down for a bit, b/c this is something no one deserves. You just can’t live there.

- patience. You will never have to try harder. Hyper, hyper sensitivity.

- a journey to healing IF ever realized will be the hardest job you’ve ever had to do. More overtime than you can be paid. And u didn’t even interview. In a material result and no result world it’s disconcerting not to “get anything back”

- you’ll think back about previous hard times. How in that moment life was the worst it could ever be. How much time do u have lol. Next bad thing, ugh so much harder. And while all of this is very true, and all real, i will tell you that to know true strength is to come into any light possible while wielding off not just the physical, but all the emotions of the rainbow and mind. This even is a choice. People complimented you about your strength and are inspired by your determination to think u can. Girl were we wrong...you can make all the “Right” choices and healthy habits and still get punked over and over by Kevin McCalister. When I appreciate people now I try to take their “all” of them. Who are they in that moment. It is a different Life. And anyone else’s journey? Maybe I’ll be lucky enough to witness triumph b/c of how many obstacles went unseen. Yet they made it.

- the only person allowed to say “it could be worse” is you. Period. To be otherwise feels a bit like a competition. We, going through it, already know that. I have the same complaint when it feels like some people or orgs compete for who’s ‘wokest’? B/c if that’s why we’re / I’m doing how disingenuous.

- when words/phrases like holiday or vacation or lets Go out give you more Anxiety and worsen your Physical Health—that’s when you know your Life has done a 180. Especially if those were the times you lived for. This hard Truth and reality is one of the hardest for me. I already had Anxiety about unpacking after vacation before I packed in the first place but whether or not waiting until you really have to Go to the bathroom so u can (while you’re up) also get some water is just something I would have thought before as one of the dumbest things I’d ever heard. And how cruel is that knowing what I know and feel now.

- Life is not a give and take like we want it to be. If that were the Case I’m not positive we’d ever know what healing or getting better really means. Not only that—you may give more than any other, and nothing. You may see the best doctors and access to all the Meds and tests put forward. Nothing. Pretty soon things are hollow and harrowing. Kind of like the celebrities Who swear that money does not make you happy. It’s like a bandaid that doesn’t stay on in the shower, the ones at Doc offices u get after shots. With mickey on them.

- I think joy is like a preventative medicine. When you practice taking it, You save it up and changes you. Like any of my tattoos, there’s gotta be a story there or something meaningful even if your answer starts off, “well spring break senior year we were…’ you get it. Hangover 1-3 movies. HappYness fleets around. More drug like. Addictive really. Impulsive. Every big chain company’s biggest threat if they can get us hooked. You just got swindled. Ha and to Go a bit more political—people know this scheme is pyramid like and use sneaky ways to have Power over you. Goodness I’m not trying to make this sound like a happy cult but there’s just Def a difference.

- you are exhausted mind body and Soul and regardless of consequence you have to choose some times to be present b/c for me I don’t want to Miss out on vacations and holiday’s. But it is an hourly debate. But I can’t just sit there every significant interaction.

- you’re tired. You’ve been strong, resilient, ppl tell you and u appreciate it. But I get tired of having to stay strong. It’s just so overwhelming and for me especially b/c “I can do it alone.” I’ve failed at that a few times.

- you’ll notice things you never have before. Suddenly they mean something like whether u can drive to get Food.

- being a bit redundant but part of stewardship on my End is allowing the help. Someone WANTS to do something for you for THEIR spiritual needs. Not in a vain type of Way. Let them. We’ve all been on the other side.

- you will experience a full range of emotions. Address them separately. Ppl still might look up to you.

- you’ll wanna give up. Don’t. Maybe your continuing going on is the stewardship someone recognizes in themselves. Idk. Pay it forward?

- lastly. YOU don’t KNOW everything. Karma could very well be your best friend, but that line of thinking is non productive and will only take u so far before you’re complaining re something else. B/c regardless of what I’ve done, —and given its timing you learn a karma hostage relationship is something easier holding on to than facing it. Just deflect.

That’s okay. When ready move on to the New Testament. I’m not fully there. But, I have to think the puppet analogy doesn’t apply here too. Shit happens. Ask that dude running with Forrest with a tshirt company dream that died and some dog shizz. Just control what you can. Easier said than done. Thats why when we do overcome—it means more. It’s engrained. Forever inevitable if you can continue to separate the wheat from the chaff. Card Game of Bullshit.

- ppl at some point think you’re being dramatic and begging for attention as if any more attention is what would heal us

- comments like you look Good or sound fine fall deaf. Well So do ppl Right before they kill themselves. Anymore how u look doesn’t have Shit of a correlation

- you’ll get on ppl’s nerves

- you’ll be resented and questioned how sick u really are. Trust me faking —that’s the last Fucking thing on our minds.

- I don’t need to explain anything

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prowerprojects · 9 months

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Aside from noticing a shift in how "found family" is portrayed in fandoms these days, I wonder if this is a semi-conscious side effect of Tails over the years being semi-shafted until the past decade. (Aside from AOSTH{though was often a kidnap victim} and Boom, most adaptions had him downplayed or outright replaced. Yes, Prime, this technically includes you. The comics aren't exactly clean either, but Archie is the most guilty.)

But yeah, I get the appeal of "parental big sibling" tropes. Not every sibling relationship is the same though, or is all peachy. I don't think Sonic thinks Tails is so inept that he can't trust him to be on his own in most circumstances, young or not. (Fox is more likely to run INTO trouble than make it himself. High intelligence doesn't mean you won't do dumb stuff on occasion; especially if you're not well-versed, but I sooner buy the idea of 'baby' Tails having separation issues than willingly getting into a shootout with cops. Not unless he was saving someone anyway) Sonic's influence on Tails is mostly guidance and support. While Tails does seek approval, Sonic does not have huge authority over him. Tails striking out on his own and living his own life doesn't make his bond with Sonic any less close. Reunions can be just be as emotional, y'know? (Plus, wouldn't Sonic be proud of that? For Tails to achieve his dreams through his own efforts? Give me a Sonic being the loudest person at his little brother's science presentation.)

Also, I don't think Tails would care who Sonic dates. Curious at best, and I'm sure he would want to be on good terms with his romantic partner and even bond with them, but I don't think he nor Sonic would appreciate the former being babied at every turn. Plus, wouldn't Tails being a gremlin by giving snide, knowing looks to Sonic be funnier? (And there's plenty of sibling activities that doesn't involve parenting one another: Movie nights, water gun fights, pranking, sparring, camping, gaming. Even just napping in the sun under a tree.)

Likely another side effect to the "non-action" and "dependency" Tails got hit with. (Which is funny because I have witnessed at times back then of some accusing Tails of being potentially appearing too competent to the point of making Sonic look "weak". Wanting Tails to have limits on his mechanic skills is one thing, but saying he should stick to tinkering vehicles only is very restricting though?) Nine may have endured bullying longer, but it doesn't mean it stopped having an effect on Tails himself. (Called names, had his tails messed with, people smashing his inventions. He may grown to embrace his qualities, but he clearly still has self worth issues that is ripe for exploring more. Nine's is mainly trust. Companionship too, but mostly trust. They've both been hurt, one was just lucky enough to get support early and ongoing.) Heh, I could go on a tangent on how finicky fans are at the thought Tails talking back to Sonic or dare have a different opinion than him and Nine gets a pass because he's "Anti-Tails", but that'd be another essay. xD (But yeah, hopefully Prime ends well.)

((Oh, and cool ponytail Tails art, btw. :] ))

Hmmm, could be. Early portrayals call still influence the way people see a character, even after all those years. (I mean, Sonic and chili dogs thing even got canonized and everything)

I definitely see Sonic as more of a mentor rather than parent figure. I think Sonic has a lot of trust and respect for Tails, and it's hard for me to imagine Sonic like. Grounding Tails or something similar. If this happened I imagine it would be such a wild concept to Tails he would think it's a joke, but more importantly Sonic wouldn't even think of doing this, I don't think he thinks of himself as that kind of authority figure in Tails's life. And Sonic is Tails's biggest fan definitely. I like that one bit from a q&a where Sonic gets asked who's smarter, Tails or Eggman, and he immediately picks Tails... (It's so cute, idk, especially since there's no way to actually prove it, and it's probably not even true (of course, "smartness" is relative), and then he goes on to say how Eggman is still a close second and very dangerous and not to underestimate him)

[No comment on the shipping thing, I pretty much agree though]

I've mostly seen people wanting Tails to have a limit on his skills to make him as a character more "grounded" and "realistic", but Shadow can have 10000 superpowers and I don't see anybody complaining. You know what else is unrealistic? Flying by spinning your tails. Especially since Tails was portrayed as this "pan-purpose scientist" since the beginning, and it's not a part of "flanderization". Like for sure, vehicle engineering has always been his specialty and biggest interest, but for example he made a Chaos Emerald radar back in Sonic 3, and had a robot back in Tails Adventure. People bring up the fact that he struggled with a plane prototype in Adventure 1 as an example of him being not that great with his mechanical skills initially, but he had already made a rocket back in Sonic the Fighters at that point.

Yeah, bullying messes you up big time, and it's not easy to get over it... If this wasn't something Tails had to deal with in the past, he might have a completely different outlook on himself nowadays, even if he still felt inadequate. Though I do like how the games don't really push this into our faces all the time, it's just a part of the backstory that helps understand the character better but you can still understand what's up with him even if you don't know the details. (Also makes me think he probably doesn't talk about this, it's something that only Sonic knows about most likely, and even then still probably not in detail).

(There's a lot of things that I don't quite like in Prime, I just don't bother talking about it, but I'm pretty optimistic on how they're handling Nine! (& Tails))

(Haha thanks =^-^= )

#tails #sonic & tails #project.txt #project.ask

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hypaalicious · 2 years

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I just got fired from my job today and like... im gonna be okay but god.. this wouldn't happen to Ignis

Getting fired does not feel good, and that really sucks 😩 I hope you aren’t taking it as a reflection of your self worth, because these jobs don’t give af about us, frfr. We’re just cogs in a machine.

Want me to tell you how I got fired from my job I gave 7 years to? Maybe it’ll make you feel better!

TL;DR: I mouthed off to an insufferable executive, she reported me to HR, and they fired me. But she got fired too shortly after 😂

Aiight, so boom:

Idk if folks remember but I worked at a casino and moved up from a basic customer service job to a supervisor of that department, then finally an office job with the executives. The group of us had a really nice relationship; pretty casual, went to lunch together, etc. Like, I would have called my boss my friend if I wasn’t very adamant of keeping lines drawn via work power balances.

But… we all got too comfortable with each other, and when it came down to it, I was the only one expendable.

One of the executives was… she wasn’t a good person, tbh. Lol she was very petty, very shallow, made things really hard for our creative team. She had been reported to HR multiple times for inappropriate comments but like outside of a slap on the wrist, she was untouchable because she was besties with the CEO.

Anyway, COVID hit, and shit got real. Most of us stayed in office to work. During lunch one day, this executive’s doctor called her and left a voicemail to get back to him immediately. We were all like ?? but figured she had it covered.

Then, she called out of work a few days later. And then a week passed and she still ain’t show up. They did a deep clean of the cafeteria that we were all at and roped it off.

So yeah, she came down with the rona. Which is ironic because when the pandemic first hit she scoffed at it and was like, “I’m just gonna live my life, ya know?” And I guess life said:

So yeah. Work wise, things went a lot smoother with her gone. I was more involved with the creative team and got shit done without ruffling their feathers. More people from other departments that this executive had pissed off in the past started coming around more. It was the golden age of productivity. LOL

Well, my boss also had her added on IG. And she was pissed cause while she was out with COVID, she’s posting herself going on walks with her dog, going to the gym (unmasked), doing yoga… basically living it up for the gram. We were pissed, lmao.

Anyway after a month and a half, she shows back up to the office. Nobody is really happy about it but oh well. I go into her office to say welcome back.

My pettycopter flew cause I opened my mouth and said, “hey Typhoid Mary, how’s it going?”

She laughed, I laughed, we chatted for awhile, I caught her up on the work we did for her while she was out, that was it. She left her office shortly after.

Well, later that day, my boss comes in my office shaking. I have never seen her that mad. I ask her what’s up, and she tells me “that bitch reported you to HR over a joke” and that I’m suspended until she can pull whatever strings she can to get me back in office. I just nod, pack up my immediate things and leave.

HR calls me in to talk to me about the insensitive things I said and how I violated HIPPA by exposing her medical history… to only her in her office apparently, but whatever.

A week passes and my boss calls me and said despite going all the way to the CEO and ripping assholes in the company president and everything, she can’t reverse the decision and I’m fired.

Should I have said that? Probably not. Do I regret it? Not really. LMFAO sure, I’ve been unemployed and very poor since then but like… I got to finish my book. I got started on my own otome. I reclaimed my life in a lot of ways. Yeah, it’s been stressful in some ways but I wasn’t gonna go anywhere in that job and I was being taken advantage of like whoa.

Also, the executive got fired after that cause her own shenanigans caught up with her. She used company funds for her own personal projects. LOL

I’m looking for another job rn but it’s a bad time to try to get back into the job force as we’re on the way to a recession LOL But still, no regrets!

I felt bad about it at first tho. I’ve never gotten fired before, lol. And it sucks to give 7 years of your life to a company who won’t even give you benefit of the doubt. But… everything happens for a reason, I guess. LOL

So anyway, I am sorry for your loss of income but I don’t think you’re less of a person because you got fired. Ima pray you find a better job with a bigger paycheck in the future!

#it took me way too long to write this #I was also eating dinner at the same time #and I’m also tipsy cause I drank wine #BUT I FINISHED #keep ya head up Anon I’m in ya corner!#anon ask

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bubblesandpages · 10 months

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17, 19, and 3? 👀🍵

3. what is your favorite genre?

Fantasssssy my beloved <3

17. top 5 children’s books?

GLAD YOU ASKED and is also an evil question limiting me to five :p

For the sake of my heart I'm limiting this to children's chapter books because this list would be impossible if we were to include picture books. Nostalgia will also have a significant say as I've read more than a few excellent children's books in my adult life that, good as they are, don't quite manage the same level of blind adoration as some of these earlier ones do, even if they match them in every other regard.

The Wind in the Willows: immediately disregarding rule two, I didn't actually like this book as a kid, though the fact we had an abridged copy growing up might have had something to do with that. This book is made up entirely of charm, and perfectly nails it's atmosphere. The fact that this isn't a cottagecore classic is beyond ridiculous >:(

The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane: this is probably the closest you can get to fictional book that made me the person I am. There is something so poignant and deeply, deeply touching about this book and how it depicts loss and tragedy, and the hope and perseverance that makes life worth living.

Lara and the Gray Mare: I know I never shut up about her, but she means so much to me. This series more than any other showed me how much I care about women in history being women in history. Yes, it's has a Mulan spin to it, but it takes so much of its time honoring and respecting the roles women had in society, giving their actions weight and importance, and allowing them to achieve self-actualization through the myriad of ways they contributed to society. I adore it, and thinking about it makes me ticked off with how narrowly feminism set's the parameters for female success at times in favor of more mescaline achievements.

Dragonskin Slippers: this was quite possibly my introduction to tongue-in-cheek fantasy parody while being unabashedly girly! There's adorable, thoughtful, and terrifying dragons who love summer fruits and collect dogs, and stained glass windows, an abundance of embroidery, evil princesses, non-evil counts, decidedly practical heroines, and absurd aunts who've read too many fairytales! This book is pure comfort and joy to me <3

The Complete Adventures of Snugglepot and Cuddlepie: this comes the closest out of any book I've read to capturing the pure dreamlike vagueness of fairytales. May Gibbs often gets compared to Beatrix Potter, but I'd say that Potter has a more grounded realism to her work, while Gibbs feels like an unfinished sentence. Events in her stories happen, and you get the sense they work especially on an emotional level, but events will take place with little clarification or explanation—hence the fairytale quality.

19. most disliked popular books?

(Kids and preteens look away; this isn't intended for you) Keeper of the Lost Cities is bad actually, I'm going to need all the adults to relearn what a good children's book is. Go read a Newbery or ten, because this isn't it.

Murderbot Diaries is really, really not my cup of tea. Pardon me for not finding an android reenacting me as my worst self somehow relatable or comforting to read about. Nobody in this first novella gets any good solid characterization,other than Murderbot and the captain, there's a bajillion people on this crew yet all I know about them is which other person in the team they'd like to sleep with, which, for a self-professed skipper of sex scenes seems like the least likely thing for our protagonist to zero in on, or perhaps there's a larger point here about how coupling is all that human's think about. Anyway, don't like it.

#ask #books #not a chapter book so I didn't include it but the Milly-Molly-Mandy stories will forever have a hold over my heart #children's books just make my brain go brrrrrrrrrrrrrRRRR I love them so much #Fizzy talks #The Wind in the Willows #The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane #Lara and the Gray Mare #Dragonskin Slippers #he Complete Adventures of Snugglepot and Cuddlepie #May Gibbs #Murderbot

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threadsun · 11 months

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Freaking. HELL MAN!!! Okay. OKAY! Literally got me acting like a fool pacing the around the entire house because I literally CAN’T EVEN! Neighbors probably think I’m lookin crazy with all these wild gestures, freaking messing up food sounding like Hein the old wheezy dog from Howl’s Moving Castle, had me shout out a curse in disbelief, literally was just about to walk into the microwave door. Alright, I had to stop writing for a moment because I wound up having a seasoning packet explode on me because I was not functioning right. Why am I telling you that? You can’t tell when I start or stop writing but I DON’T KNOW! In any case, note to self: do not try to do things before reading your messages. AND I STILL HAVEN’T GONE PAST THE BLUE TEXT! Listen, I’m a very animated person because of how much I’ve performed in musical theatre so like, freaking looked like I was doing a whole cabaret show up in here. That went WAY harder than I expected it to be and apparently there are some things I didn’t know I wanted until you said it. So um, yeah, thanks for that! 🥵 Okay so MAYBE I did underestimate you JUST a tiny bit and didn’t think you could get me to react more than before, but each time you’ve been proving me wrong and this one just takes the cake! LISTEN, I’M TRYING to be strong and tough here, but pulling out stunts like that MAKE IT SO HARD 😂 But I’m not giving in yet! NOPE! NOT HAPPENING! NO SIR! I am STRONG! I am CAPABLE of not submitting. Tbh, I don’t even know how to respond back to what you said because every time I look at it, I let out a flustered laugh and my eyes shift away instinctively (*coughandwhatyousaidisalltruesoCOUGHCOUGHCOUGH*) So nope! Totally don’t want to be or go through ALL of those things! No way! 👀

NOICE! Glad to hear I’ve got a chance! 😊 But I’ve gotta respect your professionalism though, it definitely builds self confidence in yourself and your products/services! I used to have the issue of selling myself short and giving away services like readings for free because I didn’t think it was worth anything, plus I wanted to help others. Because I did that though, I ran myself ragged and wound up having to stop. By putting limits like a price or a time limit, it shows that what you have is valuable and takes up your own personal time to do to provide them goods. People wind up respecting you more and you can still take care of yourself. Even though I feel like I didn’t learn much in college, it’s in moments like these that I just go “Okay, maybe I DID learn alittle bit.” Lol!

But yeah, DEFINITELY too bold for Ian. He’s the perfect example of needing to learn to love yourself first before you love another. If he only found himself more deserving of love and took the brave step of cutting ties with toxic people in his life like his mom, maybe he would’ve found more confidence in the type of relationship that he and M/C shared. I’m sure that his route will be all about healing his traumas and self-worth. I’m about to buy all these guys blanket warmers and just bundle them up while watching Disney movies.

AW HELL YESSSSS! Freaking LIVE for stuff like that man! Just having your brain go blank every time he uses a trigger phrase and a dopey smile lands on your face. My brain keeps going ultra subby mode thinking about all the ways this could go. BRRRRRR. Phantom of the Opera creates hypnosis kinks? No wayyyy! Mirror scene where Christine gets hypnotized and her makeup turns all sultry the whole next scene with a dreamy expression? Gerald Butler? PSSH! No one finds THAT incredibly hot, no! 👀 And then SDJ is loosely BASED off of said Broadway show/book/movie? Ain’t no way someone’s who’s dream was to play Christine Daae since Nursery school and would involve her entire life on getting that role would EVER love a game like this! Oh, and Jack’s supposed to be the Phantom? The sexiest guy in the movie but also the most freaking deranged? BOI. POTO was my yandere gateway, I swear 😂

Anyways! Fireman AU! But yeah, it’s so weird how one moment sunshine is just talking normally, but the next they’re drooling all over themselves and- wait did they just moan out Jack’s name? They’re begging to be pounded into oblivion? Well, the firehouse can’t let down their favorite pet, can they? So they’ll be more than happy to oblige! “Sunshine, if you keep drooling like that, you’re going to make everyone believe you can’t live another day without my love filling you up~! Don’t you know how dangerous that is sunspot? You don’t even know how much I’d love to make you mine in front of everyone, but that’s okay! Puppies like you are GREAT learners, so I’m sure you’ll figure it out in no time!” M/C is just a blushing, incoherent puddle at that point between the triggers and the copious amounts of touching. NOM NOM NOM, I could eat hypnokink ALL DAY EVERY DAY!!! OOO! I can’t even imagine the types of punishments they’d receive!

YA GOT THIS!!! But I’ll get my tombstone ready. RIP me when it does come out 😂 YUS! Like Jasmine or white orchid or something for Ian. I honestly don’t think that Alan would have any type of super woodsy smell on him, he’d be just straight CAMPFIRE with some kind of grass mixed in. Literally just laid down on the ground and that’s his scent 😂

OO OO OO! Sounding like a monkey over here lol, but that sounds like FUN! I’m curious at how far I’d be able to go since I love the heat normally (ice cubes feel SOOOO freaking good)! But that massage oil sounds aMAZING too! GOD, I love kinks! There’s so much fun things you can do and just that rush of dopamine. UGH! Love it! There’s a sex shop downtown where I’m at that has a floor dedicated to kinky items and I felt like a kid at a candy store lol. Sadly, I’ve never got to do much since my last relationship was long distance for years until we moved in together for a bit and had no privacy so we didn’t get to do much. Plus my drive is fiendishly high while his was a lot lower so we didn’t match up well in that aspect, but it’s okay! But I remember talking a lot about what I would get the moment I had the chance! (*coughgotropesbutnevergottousethemcough*) In any case, you got me curious, what’s the sensations with electricity? I know for me, I’m scared of being shocked by static electricity during the winter so I’ve never considered it, but I’m sucker for trying new things soooo 😗

Oh thank goodness!!! I got scared for a moment there! Anxiety and people pleasing tendencies got my heart racing like a mad man lol! I gotcha though and I’m glad you’re having as much fun as I am~😉 Also tell Moon that I’m eating up that whole discussion over on their blog! I normally pop on over because I love their writing too, but I saw how they’re discussing how certain parts of the fandom were acting ridiculous between the audio and Nick’s design and I was just like “YES! GO OFF!” 👏 😂 D’Awwww! \(//∇//)\ I got da SMOOCHES! Thank you Sun for trusting me to speak up and reassuring me that it’s all good 🩵 But noooooo, I’m not too neeeeeedy~! I’m a STRONG woman and I ain’t kneeling down to any dom! 😜

-🎃

It's cute, how easily flustered you get from just a few words~ And to think, you thought you knew what you were getting into? But as I said, you just need to meet a proper dom who knows you better than you know yourself. Who'll open your eyes to all those filthy little kinks you've been pretending not to notice. Someone who can tell that you want to be a helpless princess reduced to nothing more than a desperate whore, so eager for the approval of her dom that she'll accept any punishment and thank them for it.

Exactly, Ian needs to learn to love himself and also learn to trust mc to tell him how they feel. He's just got a whole boatload of trauma to work through and unlearn, and I hope his route is us getting to help him with that, because he deserves it!!

God yeah Phantom is sooooooo good for hypnokink~ Everything about Music of the Night is just 😘👌 perfect! Jack would definitely be the one to hypnotise you into becoming the perfect pet for the whole fire station crew. He'd scramble your brain so much, you'd truly believe you were a dog with no purpose other than to please them. He'd have you getting desperate and horny the moment you heard his voice. Hypnokink Jack is divine!!

Oooh Jasmine is a nice one for Ian!! Alan definitely smells like he took a nap in the grass next to a campfire. Man's just smoky and grassy and definitely hasn't showered in weeks.

Kinks are so fun!!! My first few introductions to kink were... not ideal. But when I got back into it at 18, it was with friends that I trusted and properly organised community events and stuff which was much better!! And now I've been in it for years and have dedicated my career to it :3c I feel very lucky that I get to do that tbh, it's not the most lucrative thing but it's fun and fulfilling!!

As for electricity, hmmmm... depends on what you're using and the voltage. A tens unit, for example, is kinda just tingly and buzzy because the pads are directly on your skin. Though if you turn it up enough, it'll also make your muscles tense/twitchy which can be fun if you're safe about it. A violet wand, on the other hand, doesn't actually touch the skin and instead creates sparks between the wand and your skin. So that feels a little more like a sharp, stinging pain. Almost like the world's tiniest, thinnest whip. It can also leave a tingly feeling afterwards if it's a higher voltage. But yeah, really depends on the type of electricity. A shock collar sometimes makes your blood feel like it's fizzing/bubbly and it's definitely a much harder (and less safe) form of estim. But violet wands, which is what most people think of when they think of electricity play, are mostly just delightfully sharp pain~

Don't worry, I'm very direct! I don't vaguepost, and if I did then I'd be like "this IS a vaguepost" in the tags lmao I'm not good at subtlety. Rest assured, though, I'm having plenty of fun~ And Moon said they're glad people have been taking it well!! We both feel strongly about the way people have been treating Sauce and the team, so it's good to know it really is just a vocal minority who are entitled bullies. Of course smooches!! Smooches for a strong, capable woman who just so happens to want to be forced onto her knees and used~

#sunshine #asks #🎃 anon

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reaperkiller · 2 years

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🌹🌱🍀🌙🌈 for jason my beloved jason AND marcus

OURGRTGHF AAAA banner time again (^:< eheoeheehe

🌹- What's this oc's biggest fear

well one of them is definitely just. ruthie in general. she had far too much power over him + damaged him beyond repair so now he's just stuck with the pieces trying to glue them back together,, every time he thinks about her he's like a terrified little kid all over again. as big and intimidating as he is, she can very easily make him want to curl up in a ball and disappear completely from the world never to be seen again. he's not as brave or as confident as everyone thinks he is and he does NOT want people to know that. losing control of himself is another Big Fear bc there were many moments where he felt like he wasnt even part of his own body when ruthie was there, he was just a bystander who was frozen and couldnt do Anything which is <3 not very nice

🌱- Does this oc have any pets? Do they have any pets they want?

ALL HE NEEDS IS A BIG DOG WHO HE CAN RUN AROUND WITH AND HUG AND CRY INTO SOMETIMES. THATS ALL HE NEEDS

🍀- Around when does this oc get up in the morning?

he doesnt need to sleep so he doesnt really get up he's just On His Bullshit 24/7. but on the rare occasion he DOES sleep, it takes him a million years to Wake Up and Get Out Of Bed. and by that point it's probably 1pm and he doesnt know who he is or where he is. good luck trying to make him wake up early it wont happen <3

🌙- Does this oc have any unusual hobbies?

i think killing people is a bit of an unusual hobby. maybe. not for him though thats just Life baybeyy. he collects bottle caps but thats one of the more Normal things he does actually

🌈- What does this oc like and dislike about themselves?

GOING TO MAKE ME ABSOLUTELY INSANE WITH THIS ONE. the damage has already been done and it's taking Forever to try and undo it all, if it's even possible. so. he has 0 self esteem whatsoever. there is not a single thing he likes about himself. your bf cheating on you and then Killing You definitely doesnt do a whole lot of good for your self-worth. he's still trucking on regardless bc, if he doesnt wipe all these shitty people off the face of the earth, who will?? yknow. at least he's using the skills he has For Good instead of his own personal gain. he's got 0 sense of self preservation either so he just does whatever whenever. he acts confident and definitely Looks the part considering what he wears 99% of the time, but thats nothing more than a front he's putting on as part of the job - it lures in victims easier. like who's going to be drawn to a guy who is on the floor crying about how much he hates himself?? No One! anyway where was i going with this. Ah., yes he doesnt like himself. thank you

🌹- What's this oc's biggest fear

he doesn't want people to think less of him because he's kind of shy and very much Struggles to hold conversationd with people sometimes. yes he has a lot of self-confidence but he also worries Far Too Much about first impressions and other people's opinions about him. we love a walking contradiction <3 idk if this is even much of a fear but this is the only thing i can think of qjhfeghg. also public speaking. he can talk to a camera but put him in front of hundreds of people?? he will disolve right then and there thats TOO many people all at once

🌱- Does this oc have any pets? Do they have any pets they want?

not necessarily his pets bc they're lou and morgan's but he lives with them. so theyre basically his too. butterbean and barry are the cats. and they also have a lizard called walter. i KNOW their names have changed a lot over time but this is it now ive decided. im stamping it im sending it off theres no going back now. also he would like a small dog of some sort one day perhaps

🍀- Around when does this oc get up in the morning?

he wakes up around 8-8:30 he is a very Up and Go person he hates being in bed for longer than he has to be. earlier is good but any later and he feels like his whole day has been thrown off

🌙- Does this oc have any unusual hobbies?

not so much now but he and morgan used to collect worms. like actual worms. they had a little worm farm. now they both collect worms on strings instead

🌈- What does this oc like and dislike about themselves?

he likes his hair + his silly little moustache bc he pulls it off very well and he's SO SO SO happy about it. he likes that he's good at art and very kind. he does NOT like his laugh though bc he snorts but it's a fun laugh and everyone tells him that all the time but he is Still not convinced. also with what i said earlier he doesnt like that he's worried about what other people think of him because he knows it doesn't matter even a little bit but he can't shake it

#oc tag #OC ALEX #oc marcus #rotating them both in my mind rn. thank you

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ilovemychihuahuas · 15 days

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I feel like I need to journal. I've been watching euphoria which is kinda inspiring but also kinda triggering

It's put thoughts in my head about self harm (physical and social/sexual) and substance use. Like I am finding myself wishing I were fucked up even though I know it wouldn't be a good time.

I should probably take a little break from watching so much

This show is so damn irresponsible with sensitive topics. Like it has some beautiful storytelling but it also pisses me off, especially the way it sexualizes children. I can't believe that the creators of the show collaborated and workshopped and labored over its production and came to the conclusion that they should poetry minor characters with graphic nudity having sex over and over and over again.

I recently watched Girls and it also has a lot of sex scenes. I found it a bit excessive but fine. But I keep finding myself saying out loud "gross" or "no" at these these sexual situations. And I know it has made an impact on a lot of young people. Perhaps someone a little older than me was thinking the same about the media that shaped me for the worse.

I do feel a little dysregulated. Part of it is bc I didn't have my space today. I don't like it when Alaina is here. I don't like it when they have an inconsistent schedule and I hide in my room and feel like I can't be myself. I don't feel safe being perceived, at least not by most people. I guess one thing that my relationship with Robin did show me is that I can unmask in relationships. I stimmed and was cringe around robin more than past relationships. I'm more aware of the impulse now too. I'm more aware of how it regulates me

The property committee meeting is Tuesday. I'm a little stressed over preparing and giving the report but I'm sure it will be fine. I just need to do it. I feel capable, just self conscious. I'm mostly worried about being perceived in a good way. I guess I can focus on that.

I was hoping to have more free time after Ada but it looks like it still may be a week or two before that happens. I'm kinda spread thin. I feel a little overwhelmed, but also there is a physical element and I will feel better in the morning after sleep

Tennis- in the morning it will be better

Idk if I'm lonely. Sometimes I do want connection, like when I see it on TV. But also I have a comfortable and happy little life currently and idk if I have room for more. I shouldn't do it any time soon anyway. I am kinda curious about polyamory but I'm kinda scared of it. Maybe I'll go to that interest meeting. Probably not. I only feel comfortable dating covid conscious people and I have no idea how to find one, much less multiple partners. Wearing a mask is big for values. It shows me that you care about your individual impact and want liberation for all people. It gets lonely.

I still feel kinda bad. I have anxiety about Alaina coming over in the morning but I also know there's a good chance they'll not show up. I don't want to live here forever. Alaina stresses me out. I'm grateful I have a place to stay though that is comparatively affordable.

Tbh a lot of the reason why I even feel like I should have a long term partner is so we can afford long term goals together like housing. I want to be able to settle in and decorate and not feel like it's not worth the effort. I want someone to be reliable and helpful for things like feeding the dogs when I can't and going to the grocery store together. Mutually beneficial. I help them and they help me. We would do fun things too, of course. I would enjoy going to parties and weddings and have each other to be secure in when traveling or having to make a confusing decision.

It seems like a practical and necessary thing to have a partner in the current world. But still, I'm not going to force anything. I only want it if it's healthy (hard for me to tell, I know.) I hope there is a good match for me at the right time. I don't think it's the right time now.

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potuzzz · 4 months

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******, ******** **

*******

A man, a friend, who i knew by osbvoren, is languishing or dead or worse, is certainly missing, and has been for at least a year or two.

To get down to brass tacks and dry, unsentimental math, an approximate 30-50 hours of labor on my clock, directly and indirectly (*), could--no, would--have been the critical difference.

...

Do not ever tell me, or another, or yourself, that "there's nothing you could have done."

"Its not your responsibility."

Do you not realize this is what all 500 bystanders say to themselves as they watch a man bleed out on the sidewalk in broad daylight?

Do you not realize this is exactly what everybody tells themselves when they see a classmate, coworker, or family member rotting away in real time, wilting like a flower, and choose again and again to do nothing, nothing, nothing?

And then everybody pats each other on the back at the funeral, in a daisy chain, assuring the person to their left, "this is NOT your fault."

Yes it is.

Yes it fucking is.

Sometimes, people need outside help. People need opportunities, they need listeners, they need guidance, they need 60$, they need a peer. Sometimes, love heals. Sometimes, it is not "toxic" to think that we are social creatures and that our alienation and destruction are not our individual responsibilities. Sometimes...now this is wild, this!...we are stronger as a group.

Sometimes, you alone have the power to radically alter someones course. Burying your head in the sand does not make this power go away. It does not absolve you. If you choose to do nothing and others suffer because of it, it is on your hands.

You hold the key to someone.

When the going gets tough, are you going to sit on your fucking phone and watch netflix or scroll content because someones suffering is inconveniencing your thursday night? Will you self-soothe with sugary, decade-old concocted tales about "self care" and "emotional labor" and "NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY" and "THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD HAVE DONE, THEY MADE THE CHOICE!!!" ?????

I let myself do this. I let fear of my girlfriend's reaction let me abandon a friend at his lowest. I let my best friends naysaying assure me i was making the right decision. I let fears of my personal property being stolen or destroyed or, god forbid, getting mixed up in unideal situations, seal the deal.

Was it worth it?

Was the preservation of my sacred laptop worth someones life? Was my relationship that failed anyways? Would i not have spent a night, a week, a month in jail or in a hospital if it had saved my friends life?

Theres a balancing act. Its okay to be responsible for death. Do i not eat meat at least twice a day? Do i not run over frogs and bugs and dogs with my car completely without intention? Does not my cheap banana come at the price of immense suffering to very real people just a few days drive away?

Would not i kill myself, if i took total responsibility for every face i laid eyes on? Are not people scraping at my door RIGHT NOW asking for my fists, for my bank account, for my car keys, for my attention, for difficult truths that require a lightning bolt to energize?

Are not there dozens more who do not possess the audacity, the recognition, to ask? You can tell when someone is hurting when they assure "im doing pretty good, actually." You can tell all these people all wilting. And they dont even percieve it. Or dont allow themselves to. Or dont want to be a burden. Or dont even know how to speak. Are their lives worth nothing?

Do i do nothing? Do i do everything? Do i pick and choose?

And THIS, my love, is just the prologue to why "mama" makes me cry like that. Ive already picked and choose which of my men were going out. Just like my dad did. Ive already had to force myself to make decisions at the direct expense of others. I watch netflix so i may relax and remain a reliable instrument for years to come. I am trying to maxmimize my function. I am trying to maximize the number of those who i can help make it out alive. Every second, every single second, another one drowns. And i alone could have saved them. Because nobody else is doing anything.

War, war, war.

We're already at war.

Yes it will get louder. The paintings of the spirit will burst forth onto the scene as real and living incarnations. The artistic mysteries of the human psyche, our individual will and our collective spirit, they are tired of living by waves and airs and colors and thoughts, they desire bullets and bombs and fire.

The boys scream "mama, mama, mama." The moms scream for their lost souls.

It is a grief, a lament, for knowing what is to come. And knowing it has already passed. The screams have already passed. Their faint echoes are not fading away into eternity, they are coalescing around a worse mass. A herald. We can expect more of the same. So, so, so much more.

So when i am running towards the sun. How many flowers can i carry in my arms. How many before the weight of new flowers crushes those nearest to my bosom.

Osbvoren. Im sorry i killed you. I am sorry i couldnt pick up what your mother dropped; her hands were seared by the evil incarnate of the hoods and crosses. I am haunted by your ghost, but i am even more haunted by the question.

Would i do it again?

Could i choose differently?

Did you die alone?

Do we all?

Do you know rest?

Will any of us?

...do we win?

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hooves-of-hyrule · 8 months

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Hey, Zelda - Checked in on the Thundra Plateau Herd

“Hey, Zelda” is a documentation of my personal Tears of the Kingdom playthrough, told through the eyes of Link in a series of monologues.

In the brief intermission between Breath of the Wild and Tears of the Kingdom, Link and Zelda spent a lot of time together - and by that I mean, they lived together. They shared a house, shared meals, even shared a bed (though if you asked them, they would’ve told you it was for comfort and safety, and yes, they’d really believe what they were saying). Link, however, also shared stories. Old habits die hard, and after Zelda disappears, he talks as if she's there listening to him just to keep some semblance of normalcy in his life.

Note that these are incredibly self-indulgent and I fully expect no one but myself to actually care about any of these lmao.

~~~~~~~~

I had a busy day today. Discovered some sky islands where apparently Zonai youth would be challenged to freefall through a series of light rings. Not totally sure what the significance of that is, but I did get an incredibly cool outfit out of the deal. It has fabric that can attach to the arms and legs to create a sort of… wing-suit, and makes it so much easier to maneuver through the air without a paraglider. If you were here, you’d probably insist on taking it for yourself on occasion. …I bet it would look even better on you than it does on me. Which is saying a lot, by the way, because it does look very good on me. You’re missing out. Also managed to get all but two of Purah’s skyview towers activated. When you come back you’re definitely going to have to give one of them a try. It’s about the closest thing you’ll get to flying!

Second thing I did was check on the Zonai horse herd we’ve been keeping an eye on. Remember that one foal we’ve been watching especially closely? That beautiful silver bay with the dark face? She’s finally all grown up. Managed to get a hold of her and she definitely was worth the wait. I can’t wait for you to meet her, I think you’ll like her even more than Dauntless. The rest of the herd is doing well too. One of the bands has been forced to move up toward the mountain though. You know the one that stayed on that ledge? That one. Turns out the stone talus got replaced by a lynel. That was… a surprise to say the least. Anyways, when I got back to the New Serenne Stable to register Wick as my own, I noticed someone worrying over a broken wagon so… obviously I fixed it for her. Turned out she had only just gotten the wagon but somehow didn’t even know how to catch a horse. Since catching horses is pretty much my only pastime, I figured I’d grab a nice gentle one for her. Managed to find her a beautiful bay paint with a long mane… honestly I almost kept him for myself, but apparently I need to rack up more “pony points” before I can register another horse. …Rant about that later. Anyway - I gave her the horse and she hitched it up, and then she asked for my name, which I told her. Her name is… Zumi? Zuli? Something like that. Apparently the only reason she asked was because she wanted to name the wagon after the two of us. So now it’s called Zunk. I can tell she only did it because she thinks I’m attractive or something, which is… uncomfortable, but I can forgive it because Zunk is honestly the best name I’ve ever heard and I think if we ever get a dog someday it should be named Zunk. Or maybe Zenk, actually. Get it? Zenk? …no, that’s stupid. Maybe Lilda? …Lelda? Zink… Zelink… hm. That’s a work in progress.

Oh, I asked the stable owner about whatever happened to that golden horse the two of us have been working on training. Apparently she got transferred to the Hebra snowfield stable, which is just about the worst place she could’ve been transferred to. I hope she’s doing well. I’ll go check on her for you tomorrow.

~~~~~

Author's Note: Wick is one of the two-max-stat-one-almost-max-stat horses I was talking about in the notes of the prologue. Now she's a 100% max stat. She's also, really freaking pretty. And as my friend said, "omg it's discount store-brand Epona."

Also I wish the paints and appaloosas didn't have such bad stats :( Someday I'll actually keep one and just upgrade it. Today is not that day. I hope Zumi(?) likes her horse that she will literally never use.

#legend of zelda #tears of the kingdom #fanfic #zelink #hey zelda

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claumanlambus · 1 year

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Bye 2022, Hello 2023!

Hi everyone! How time flies! It's already 2023! It’s so nice to see I was able to make two blog entries last year. I tried my best! Anyway, I just wanted to share my 2022 highlights because it's been such a wonderful year for me and my family! I wanna share how grateful I am for all of the blessings we received over the past year. I really felt optimistic that 2022 would be a good year for us and indeed it was! Even though it hasn't been really an easy year for us, I am still grateful.

It just feels surreal! I am still in awe of how things turned around for us in 2022. First, is my promotion as a Lead Trainer. I've been a Training and Content Developer since 2018 and I am actually unsure about my career path. I am somewhat considering going towards the leadership path but felt it's just not really something I wanna pursue for now because I don't want other responsibilities that would make me spend less time with my family or for my self. I was actually happy with my role but then I've been in that position for 4 years already and probably got too comfortable with it. That is why I tried working on more projects and helping out our team more. Being a Lead Trainer is the next best option for me since it’s a role where you don’t actually have people under your bucket yet but just working more on the analytics side of the whole Training Team. Luckily, out of all the other eligible candidates from my teammates, I was able to get the post. I am really thankful to my leaders for believing in my abilities and entrusting me with this position. Of course, I worked hard for it too, and prayed and hoped to get this because I know I will definitely learn new things and enjoy this role.

Another blessing we have received is for my partner. His long-awaited Bar Exams finally pushed through after waiting for two years! Xavier graduated from Law School in 2020 but the pandemic happened so it got postponed for quite a while! It's been a struggle because I’ve been the sole financial provider for our family ever since he resigned from his job last 2016 to focus on Law School and with the bar exams getting delayed, our plans for our family was greatly affected. I know, It was a significant risk we took and it’s a total struggle but we just hoped and trsuted that these sturggles will be worth it someday. I just can’t explain all the details because it will be a very long story, but glad we were able to survive. But of course, the waiting and the agony doesn't end when he took the bar exams. We were dreading about the results because that is a make or break for our future. But by God's grace, my partner passed the #BestBarEver and is now officially a lawyer! ♡

However, it hasn’t been all sunshines and rainbows for us. I know this one I'm about to share isn't something to celebrate but maybe God's reminder that despite all the achievements and blessings we received, we should not forget our loved ones who have been with us all throughout the things we have been through. We lost our first family dog, Ginger. Ginger is Xavier's gift for my 25th birthday that is why she is really special. She’s been with us for 7 years. The whole time while Xavier’s in law school. What makes it harder is we were out of town when she left us. Ginger has been the most loyal and strong out of all our dogs. Prior to Ginger we already lost 2 furbabies, Twix and Cali due to Ehrlichia. I can't help but blame myself because we've been so busy with other things that sometimes we tend to neglect our pets. It's so heartbreaking thinking that they deserve better but my partner and I have really tried to be a better furparent for them. But I guess that's just life. This made us feel we are not really ready to have pets in the meantime especially since our youngest child is still a toddler.

Despite the heartbreak we experienced in losing a pet, I guess it's just something we have to experience to be able to move on and be ready for the next phase of our lives. This is really something unexpected but we were finally able to get a place of our own. We got our own Condo! After years and years of renting, God finally answered our prayer.

Just a short story, Xavier and I decided to live together in 2014. Since we don't have the financial capacity yet to get a place of our own, we just rented. We have been renting for 8 years. In between, of course, we hoped and tried to look for our own place but just really can't because of our financial situation. The unit we got right now is something we've been eyeing since it was pre-selling I think around 2015 or 2016. You have no idea how bad I wanted to get a unit here because of the location, the amenities plus the unit size and layout are definitely way better than the other Condos we've seen online. But you know how things work. it won't always get in our way so I just kept on praying and hoping that someday we can finally get a unit here. Well, I guess God is really listening and got tired of how stubborn I am so he finally gave in. LOL! Just kidding! We just have to believe that great things take time. God probably just tested our faith and patience to see if we are ready and deserving of this.

We just trusted him and believed it will not always be struggles. I just can't believe how things are aligning for us at that time. Since Xavier can help me out with our finances because he finally got a job as a Lawyer, we were finally able to get our unit! and I am proud because this is something that we worked hard for on our own.

Here's a photo of our community from our balcony:

I had fun deciding what furniture and appliances we should get since our condo unit obviously has bigger space than our apartment. From choosing the curtains, pillows, decors, plants, and many more! I'm actually still not done decorating our interiors and still enjoying buying stuff for our home. That's my guilty pleasure right now! I guess that phase won't end anytime soon. We also celebrated our first Christmas and New Year here and I am already excited and looking forward to the next holidays, actually! Now, we have been here for 5 months. Turning 6 months by the end of January.

I am excited about what 2023 has in store for us. Hopefully, this will still be a good year for us. Of course, we will continue working hard for a much better future. I am excited to share more stories through my blog. Hoping that I could get more time to post this year.

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m-c-s-m · 1 year

Text

Good morning!

Welcome back to my surrogate livejournal. The kids just ate very well. I have slept in constantly the past few months. It has been a good if distracting morning. I am up at the same time as them these days, but that is because I stay up till 1, 2 3am for no good reason… It has been a stretch of stasis which is annoying.

I of course spoke too soon because I just broke up a fight over a toy. That’s kids for ya. The dogs are barking their fool heads off outside, the tv is on. The toy is needlessly noisy. As are the kids. Ah well. At least the coffee isn’t shite. I made the coffee. Aldi’s finest.

Man I need a shower. I need a lot of things. I put on several several pounds the past 2-3 months. Maybe there is a correlation. I am working on it.

Priorities:

*Fix keyboard to my laptop.

*Clean myself.

*Get the house in better order–> I have a good thing going finally after 5-6 days of my wife being so sick that we can’t obliterate our lives for the sake of an end-of-year holiday fest. So I’ve caught up on dishes but not much else. I’m sitting here typing instead of cleaning, but I think that’s okay. I am claiming my time, I’m claiming my time.

Fack, so many memese, what the hell was that?

Anyway, I’m looking around my house at the little discarded things and doghair and pieces of detritus and lint on the corners of the floor. Wondering how to be a passable father, much less a good one. Wishing I had a modicum of self-discipline and organizational skills to pass on to my kids. Part of the reason they have not spent a lot of time outside in the snow, where in my opinion they should be is my own procrastination, reluctannce, and organization. They’ll just get the house wet/muddy when they come back inside, and will they be warm enough? Won’t it just be even more trouble than it’s worth? It won’t buy me time, and anyway these dishes need done! And the table. And the floor. And the kitchen.

I took jukai several months ago. I need to remember why. The reason I did it was to sort of arm myself or at least clarify what my life should be about. It is hard to remember, especially when my meds are, uh, variable. Maybe that’s something too.

I dunno about any of this, but I’m gonna just keep posting/typing through it. I really miss my old crew. Cherie, Rob…where you guys at, man? Rob I know where you at, but Cherie, where’d you go, hon? I miss you. I need someone to just throw my depression at before getting on with my day. Want to play Soulcalibur?

I do. I miss games. I saw a meme recently that the reason peopel miss their 20’s is because they sucked but they had no skills and nothing going for them. That’s fine, and I agree, but man that didn’t make staying up till 5am playing video games and going to Waffle House any less fun. That still seems like The Life. I think my dreams were different. I haven’t dreamt in awhile.

I’m okay, but the inertia is enough to power-blog through here and throw out any mememes in my head that are taking up residence. That’s good for now. Peace

–mcsm

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