#anyway sorry this took me so long to post but it’s friday the 13th and it’s been the best day ever so have a treat on me

[rendevok]

Bite me <3

#im not saying he said this. but it FEELS like he said this. #guy who is soooooooo getting what he wants rn #narumitsu #wrightworth #miles edgeworth #phoenix wright #vampire nrmts owns my entire ass. there will be more /threat #its MY art and i say they’re BOTH vampires #wrightworth? more like frightworth ahahaha #or maybe even biteworth #narumitsu but naru-bit-u #ahahahahahhhahhahahahaa😳😳😳😳 #anyway sorry this took me so long to post but it’s friday the 13th and it’s been the best day ever so have a treat on me #also this was not INTENDED to be the server icon but it will be until halloween lol #if i dont have people biting me in the notes whats the point #fan art #aa #rendevok

[rafescoke]

hiiiii!!

Can I please request a rafe x reader based on that song need to know by doja cat.

Basically the reader heard rumors about the rafe’s and he’s past with his ex. Basically all saying how he was a 10/10 on bed. The reader is furious but sad and quickly confronts the rafe. You can choose the ending. Smut or fluff ending!!

Also pls post the rafe x reader, jj fic with the 19 chapters plsssss!!!! I beg you!

Need To Know ; Rafe Cameron

masterlist

#Part 1

Pairing: Rafe Cameron x reader

Summary: The reader confronts Rafe about his past

Warnings: Straight smut, hella angst, substance, swearing, Rafe being a total dick

A/N: this one shot’s too long but i hope you will love it. i poured all my love into this however this isn’t my best work and im sorry!! 

p.s, i’m always open for requests <3

“Hey! thanks for coming,” Topper smiled, hugging Rafe’s side before kissing (Y/N)’s cheeks. He ushered them both to the middle of the ongoing party, to the centre where all of Rafe’s friends were hanging out. 

(Y/N) is never a fan of parties, especially the ones that she will have to tug on Rafe’s collars for them to finally enjoy the night alone. However, she passed up the chance of watching netflix with her partner tonight to go to Topper’s birthday party, since, it was, well, Topper’s celebration. 

If it had not been for Topper, she wouldn’t even bat an eye to this party, especially when she knows the amount of girls silently crushing on her boyfriend of 6 months now. Rafe’s incredibly handsome, with his hair messily parted and his blue eyes shining everytime they’re exposed to the glowing sunlight of Obx. . .  (Y/N) couldn’t justify why he would even choose her. 

“What are you thinking?” Rafe playfully groaned, pulling his girlfriend’s waist near him. His fingers played with the hem of her dress, giggling when she hissed, swatting his hands away. “Seriously. You’ve been quiet since we got out of the car.”

“I just don’t like the attention’s you’re getting tonight,” she sighed, rolling her eyes when Rafe poked her, an amused expression plastered on his face. “I shouldn’t have told you that. Now you’re this proud prick.”

Rafe laughed, throwing his head back, his hands still around her waist. She waited for him to regain his posture before kissing his cheeks. 

“Go and find Topper. I know you want to kiss him.”

“Not as much as I want to kiss you,” Rafe replied, laughing again when (Y/N) stuck her tongue out at him before walking away to go and get some drinks for herself. In truth, Rafe doesn’t understand why she would feel so inferior towards other girls; she’s simply the most beautiful girl he’ve ever laid his eyes on. No one can ever compare to (Y/N), and that’s for sure.

(Y/N) muttered a thanks when someone handed her a beer, standing on her toes to search for her friends. When she couldn’t see any of them, she began making her way towards Rafe and Topper. She decided that instead of waiting alone in the resting area of the club while everybody else is socialising, she would rather listen to whatever Rafe and his friends were conversing, knowing that somehow she’ll find something interesting in the discussion.

That was when she bumped into a figure, causing the person to drop the drink they were holding onto her front dress. (Y/N) groaned, not liking how she was already ruining the branded new dress she bought with Rafe. The smell of strong alcohol wafted into her nostrils, causing her to scrunch her nose.

“Watch where you’re going,” the person said, and  (Y/N) rolled her eyes before finally leaving the scene, not wanting to stir any unnecessary drama. She knows it will always end up dirty and Rafe will have to calm her down in the car. 

(Y/N) pushed her way through the swarm of sweaty bodies as the dress reeked with alcohol clung onto her body, and she momentarily regretted her choice of wearing a skin tight short sequin dress to a club where dropping drinks on someone is just something that is bound to happen.

She sighed when she finally reached the bathroom, quickly washing her stains with the cheap toilet paper. It left some white bits on her dress when she finally removed them, and she groaned again before washing the fabric under the running water. Her day was going totally bad, and she dreamed of the night she could’ve spent with Rafe if only Topper wasn’t born on yesterday’s date 19 years ago. 

“That’s what I’m saying!” a loud voice shrieked, followed by group of shrill laughs. “God, I really wish I’m still with him.”

(Y/N) raised her brows at the familiar voice, but thought none of it. Topper wouldn’t invite Rafe’s ex, he knows what she did to him. There was no way she was allowed to be in the private part of the club, unless someone had brought her as their plus one. 

(Y/N) shook her head at the thought, trying to focus on the stains that seemed to be making everything hard for her.

“He has this habit of running his fingers through his hair when he’s receiving head,” the voice continued, and  (Y/N) stopped in her tracks.

That’s exactly Rafe. Whoever the voice was, she was talking about Rafe. Rafe has this habit of running his long fingers through his hair while he’s whimpering, and it always drives (Y/N) crazy. 

She thought nothing of it, thinking about the possibility of another guy doing the same thing. It’s a common thing anyways; she wasn’t going to pull the crazy jealous girlfriend card that night.

She turned to pull another tissue paper, her ears still intently listening to the group of friends who seemed to not mind receiving any attention from their bold topic. 

“Now he’s with that (Y/L/N) girl. I honestly don’t get why he would be with her. Oh and-” the voice squealed, “Do you know that Rafe called me when they were talking?” 

What?

“What?” her friends asked in disbelief, and  (Y/N) didn’t move a muscle. She pressed her back against the tiled walls, listening close. Her heartbeat beat faster, and she could feel her head getting lighter.

“Yes! It was like, the first month they started getting close? He told me he couldn’t get over me and that he tried everything including finding me in her.”

(Y/N) felt the walls closing in, and quickly got to her feet to splash some water onto her face. She felt like dying right then and right there, but she knew she had to at least hear more to, now identified, Rafe’s ex girlfriend.

“He drove to my house and we just talked, you know. . . and then he told me something, and I refused. He got mad, I guess, and we fought like always, and he left me to be with that girl until today. Kinda sucks to be her, you know? Like the second choice kind of thing?” she continued, an amused tone lacing in her voice.

At that point,  (Y/N) had heard enough. She walked towards the exit as fast as her heels could take her, not stopping to stay goodbye to her now approaching friends. She could feel her hot tears crashing down, but she didn’t feel like crying in the club and having random strangers coming up to her to soothe her down.

When the night breeze hit her square on the face as she finaly exited the suffocating club, she let out the hardest cry ever as she tried to find any available taxis through her tears. There were none, seeing that it was only 9 p.m. and people had just starting to arrive, so she decided to walk to nowhere until she finds any yellow vehicle.

“Hey, (Y/N)!” a voice called out from behind her, and she turned when a hand pulled her shoulder. “What the fuck? Are you okay? Where’s Rafe?”

“Kelce, I’m not feeling good. I just want to go home, okay? Please, oh my god. I can’t do this right now,” she cried, covering her eyes with her palm. Kelce pulled her into a side hug, allowing her tears on his new t-shirt. When she finally soothed down, he tried to find an answer in her face again.

“What happened?”

“I can’t tell you now, I just-” she took a deep breath, “I just can’t. Can you um, call a Uber for me, please? My phone’s with Rafe.”

“What? Why would your phone-” he sighed, taking out his own phone. “Borrow my phone. It’s safer this way. Call a Uber, get home, and don’t do anything stupid. Okay?”

(Y/N) nodded, kissing Kelce’s cheeks before ordering a Uber, waiting by the sidewalk impatiently. She was scared Rafe would come out to look for her, and she didn’t feel like talking to him. 

She felt like shooting him in his ribs until he’s begging for her to stop. 

When she got home, her fingers trembling and her dress now ruined, she stripped out of her clothes and got under her covers. Her mother tried asking her about why she had come home earlier than expected with a running mascara and a smudged lipstick, but decided to let it pass when she didn’t answer, knowing that something has indeed happened. 

She felt like screaming. She had trusted him so much, and he was even the first guy to take her virginity. Now she felt disgusted, thinking about how she had allowed herself to the sweet words he had given her before.

She couldn’t ignore the memory of the night she first experienced sex with him, and the whole sweet care he had provided after.

It was Friday the 13th, and Rafe decided it will be a good night to watch some type of a horror movie.  (Y/N) agreed, being a fan of horror, but until one point, she was bored with the super-slow plot and boring characters. 

She played with Rafe’s fingers, intertwining them with hers, before she got an idea midway of the female character’s scream that echoed throughout her bedroom. 

“Rafe,” she said, and Rafe hummed in response. His eyes were fixated to the screen, not paying any attention to her. She whined, “Rafe. . .”

“Yeah?” He finally looked down to her, and laughed when he saw the face she gave him. “What the hell is wrong with you? The best part’s coming up. Watch it, the guy’s going to- fuck.”

(Y/N) had slipped her hand into his basketball shorts, teasing the outline of his v-line. Rafe’s breath shuddered, and he grabbed her hands before things escalate.

“What the fuck are you doing?” He grunted.

“I just wanna try something,” she replied innocently, and Rafe swore he felt like his heart stopping right then and right there. She was that sweet girl, and he has never saw this side of her.

“Can I?” she asked, and with a tiny nod, she continued her movements as Rafe’s eyes stayed glued on the television screen, though his mind was already on cloud nine. 

She was so good, and Rafe couldn’t explain the feeling inside of him when he watched her palmed him, her mouth slightly open and her hair falling down to her shoulders. Rafe felt like attacking every inch of her, wanting to give anything that she desired. 

“Stop,” he said, closing his eyes. “Fuck, you’re gonna make me cum from just your hands.”

“I want you to,” she said, and Rafe cursed. He liked, scratch that, he loved and is obsessed with the way she did anything to him, with her innocent eyes and her teasing smile. He felt like fucking her numb every single time she purposely brushed her hands against his buldge in the restaurant or bumping her bottoms against him when playing golf.

And when she would deny her actions, god, he felt like giving his all to her until she couldn’t walk.

“Rafe,” she said again, with that gint in her eyes. She leaned onto him, and he shievered when he felt her lips brushing with his earlobes. 

“I want you to fuck me.”

Rafe groaned, not wanting to look her in the eyes, afraid that he would do things he will regret the next morning. He felt her fingers around his chin, forcing him to look at her. 

“Please.”

“You told me you wanted to wait,” he said softly.

“I’m done waiting,” she had said, and that was enough for Rafe to crash his lips against her soft ones, pushing her lightly to her queen sized bed. He felt her hands playing with the hem of his shorts, and being an impatience fuck like his dad, he guided her hands to his already hard penis, craving for her touch.

“Fuck,” he groaned, closing his eyes to the euphoric feeling starting to form in the pit of his stomach. His fingers fumbled with her shorts, trying to untie the waistband, and grunted when he couldn’t gues the knot.

(Y/N) giggled, untying the ribbon, sliding her shorts to the edge of her bed as Rafe waited with his eyes staring at her hands eagerly, like a prey waiting to attack. 

Once her shorts were off, Rafe didn’t waste anymore time to place kisses from her stomach down to the sides of her aching core.  (Y/N) couldn’t take it anymore, after so many nights of trying to picture this exact moment in her head whilst fingering herself, pretending like it has been Rafe’s fingers instead of herself, she wanted to feel him around her so bad. 

“Please, Rafe,” she begged, looking at him with the innocent eyes again. She moaned when he inserted his fingers in her, pleasuring her the way pornstars would from the many porn videos his cousin had taught him to watch since he was 10 before.

“Oh my god,” she screamed, not able to comprehend the strange feeling in her stomach. She tried to close her legs, only for Rafe to gripped them apart tightly, his eyebrows furrowing.

“Do that again and I’ll leave you hanging.”

It was the way he had said that that left  (Y/N) all red, pushing herself against him to reach her end. She felt a sudden feeling approaching, and gripped Rafe’s wrist to tell him. 

Rafe laughed when she had came around his dingers, feeling her juice soaking up his fingers and her bedsheet.  (Y/N) sighed, still heaving from her high, making a mental note in her head to love this other side of Rafe Cameron.

“Suck,” he said, placing his two soaked fingers in front of her face and watched her as she sucked on them like a little girl who’s licking off a lollipop that her mother had bought for her. He felt like cumming just from the sight of her face.

“I want you inside me,” she had said again, and Rafe groaned to look away, not wanting to be a regret she had made the next morning. He looked at her again when she sat on his lap, looking at him with puppy dog eyes.

“Please?” she whispered, and before he knew it, she licked his ear to the the side of his lip before placing a soft peck on his lips.

Rafe has never removed his basketball shorts as fast as he did that night, not even when he had felt an animal crawling in his pants in the pet shop when he was 8 that resulted Sarah into having a laughing fit when they found out that a hamster had gotten into his pants.

He positioned himself in front of her slit, waiting for any new demands for him to stop now that she had changed her mind. But there was nothing, only  (Y/N) demanding for him, and without wasting any more time, he slowly slided into her, strecthing her hole.

He grunted when she felt her closing in, knowing that if she kept doing that, he’ll finish straight away.  (Y/N) screamed as he fucked her with a quick pace, causing him to quickly pull her head close to him to whisper into her ear.

“Shut up, princess. Don’t want mummy and daddy to wake up, do we?”

(Y/N) shook her head, wanting to reach her end soon. She moaned against her mattress, smelling Rafe’s scent from it, and liking the way he would whimper when he hit her g-spot.

“I’m so close, baby, fuck-” he cursed, his pace getting sloppier. His fingers with his cold rings intertwined with hers as he slammed into her for good measure, and pulling out to aim on her face as she tried to regain her breath.

(Y/N)  felt a shot of hot load landing on her face as she finally looked up to him, his sweaty chest heaving from the ungodly practice they just did. Rafe groaned, feeling himself getting hard again from the sight of her with his load all over her, and quickly turned away to grab a clean towel to clean her up.

That night, with a soft lullaby playing from  (Y/N)’s record player that Rafe had bought for her in Italy, he ran his fingers through her hair as she snuggled close, watching the moonlight brightened the ocean.

Rafe sighed, now wrapping his arms around her, forcing himself to not touch her breast in any way. “I’m sorry if it wasn’t what you had pictured in your mind.”

“Are you kidding?” she turned to face him, “God, Rafe. That’s exactly how I wanted it with you.”

Rafe chuckled and placed a soft kiss on her forehead, “God. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Riing! Riing!

(Y/N) wiped her tears with her fingers before pressing on the green button, bringing the phone to her ears when she saw Topper’s name. She decided that he deserved an explanation after she had ran off from his birthday party.

“Tops?”

“Hey, baby, you didn’t pick up my call. I have to use Topper’s phone but, um-”  (Y/N) heard the crowd sang happy birthday, “But um, are you okay? Kelce told me you were crying and I-”

“I’m fine. You should sing happy birthday to Topper.”

“I’ll be there in a bit,” he said to a voice in the background, and tried to talk to her again. “What is it, baby? The line’s kinda shitty here. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“Okay. I know you’re not. Can you please tell me what happened?”

“It’s nothing, Rafe. Go and enjoy yourself.”

“God,  (Y/N), don’t pull this shit on me,” he sighed, and she waited until the background noise lessen. “Okay, I’m at the smoking area. Can you please tell me what happened?”

“You used me.”

“I’m - what?” he asked, “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“I heard her talking about how you drove to see her and you told her that you tried finding her in me,” she finaly confessed, her voice breaking. A tear slowly rolled down her red cheeks and she quickly wiped them away.

“Baby, it’s not how it sounds like.”

“Then what is it?” she yelled, clutching onto Kelce’s phone like it was her life support. “Fuck, Rafe, I gave you my everything.”

“Baby, I swear, it’s just-”  

(Y/N) waited for him to finish his sentence, and sucked in a breath when she heard the voice that had caused her this misery.

“Rafe! What are you doing here?”

“Fuck,  (Y/N), I’ll come by to your house, okay? Please, don’t do anything stupid, I’m coming back home-”

(Y/N) pressed the end call, letting go of the breath she was holding before finally throwing her head back against the pillow. 

#Part 2

add yourself to the taglist!

#rafe cameron #rafe cameron imagines #rafe cameron x reader #rafe obx #rafe cameron smuts #outer banks #outerbanks #outerbanks imagines #drew starkey #drew starkey x reader #drew starkey smuts #outerbanks x reader

[ratbastarddotfuck]

Hi! are you still answering questions about your system? I was curious about how you found out you were plural? I had a relationship with someone who was and she didn't know for most of her life (she assumed her defender alter was her brother and that most of the others were friends or relatives, she wasn't aware they shared a body until her late teens/early 20s). Did you always know you were plural or did you figure it out as an adult? no pressure to answer if too personal :)

Oh, sure! Right off the bat - it's worth noting that we don't have DID, but rather OSDD. The difference is pretty minimal from an outside perspective and I won't go into it a lot here, but it's relevant because it means that with out plurality we largely have shared memories/don't experience a lot of memory loss. So we've never really been in that position of not being able to tell if an alter was an outside person or not.

Anyway -

Definitely didn't always know! We didn't know much about plurality in general until a couple of years ago. When we were a teenager we had a couple of online friends who were varyingly open about their own plurality. We didn't really ask or research much about it in any case, just kind of rolled with it and treated each alter as their own person (as you should) and carried on.

We really started to learn about plurality when I (Will/Remy) started dating a system (towards the end of 2018). They explained about their own plurality when we started dating, but it didn't have a huge impact on our relationship so, just kept on trucking (the readiness with which we have just happily accepted the plurality of several people close to us and carried on without any real questions should maybe have been a sign, lol).

This relationship is a polyamorous one, and through this partner we met other systems who they were dating and/or friends with. And it's a thing, right, that in this group of people I was essentially the only "singlet" (non-plural person). And it just kind of happened that as we got to know other systems and learn what it's like to BE a system, we started realising like... "hmm... a lot of this sounds VERY familiar". But didn't want to bring it up with anyone partially because like, there's that stigma around plurality, but mostly because a specific part of the trauma we have from childhood is "people have never believed me when I bring my issues up to them and have always told me im lying or faking for attention so this will be the same thing". 😑 My logic was that people would try and say I was just trying to fit in with my friends (even though it was more comparable to queer kids sticking together before they even realise they're queer).

Anyway, late 2019 (Friday December 13th, remember this date) it had really started to get to us. I/Will (Will was the host at the time but I've stolen their job and most of their original personality) went on a research spree. It wasn't the first time I'd done research, obv, but it was the most intense. I think I was sick at the time - I was exhausted from work and not sleeping properly. Did all this research and then promptly took a nap. Had some fuckin weird dreams, and then when we woke up a couple hours later, ya boi Damien was existing and I... wasn't.

Now obviously this isn't the first time someone else had fronted - we worked out later that Damien has been his own distinct person at least since we were 16 - but it WAS the first time that we know of that an alter was fully aware that they were a different person to the host.

This is how he chose to announce himself:

(Yes I did search for the word "nap" in chat to find this conversation lmao)

It didn't take long before he was working out things about himself - a notable thing he said was "i am very much absolutely not a girl whereas [deadname] is ambivalent about being a girl". He worked out that he was kind of an emo boy, and found it MADLY funny that he began existing properly on Friday the 13th (every Friday 13th is now His Birthday). He didn't already have a name (kinda - he did have a name as a teen but it didn't stick because we didn't realise that character was Him), and he googled "spooky baby names" to settle on Damien.

A couple days later Ducky started fronting and being around, because when it rains it pours. More alters kept popping up and we still get new ones occasionally. The rest is history, basically!

Also, sorry that this post is a million miles long akskfn I have a lot to say all the time. But thank u for asking!!!!

#the system speaks #🦊🐝 #plurality #osdd #did #system stuff #our system stuff

[kristallioness]

2016 | 2017 | 2018 | 2019

*arrives a month late*... Happy 2021 to all of you, my dear followers! *raises a glass* It seems that my tendency to finish my artwork or personal posts on time has only gotten worse over time (I blame work *lol*). Oh well, better late than never, since there are things I would still like to take with me from this extraordinary year of 2020.

It is cringeworthy that I have two huge red X-s this year. But after I'd put these puzzle pieces together, I remembered far too well what was going on in my (work) life at the time, so it's completely understandable why I didn't have the time nor the energy to draw at all during those two months.

What were those typical statistics that I wrote about again to compare the years? *goes to read last year's post*.. Oh, right! In 2020, I managed to finish 3 full digital drawings (from the months of April, July and December) as well as work on several sketches. I wrote 28,154 words worth of fanfiction (oohh, that's a lot better than previous year), plus 3,126 words in English (I dare say I wrote an equal amount in Estonian) for the prompts I got during UYLD (making the total 31,280 words, which is quite impressive!).

I finished reading the 1st Kyoshi novel in the evening of the 20th and slightly past midnight on the 21st December (barely before the holidays, but I set this goal for myself and I did it!). Am already looking forward to starting with the 2nd part some time this year. Besides that, I ordered and received all the other new Avatar books that came out (3rd part of "Ruins of the Empire", "Katara and the Pirate's Silver", "Legacy of the Fire Nation") as well as BOTH Avatar series DVD sets (I still can't believe I found these on sale on some random online store in Estonia, but these are now among my most prized possessions!).

I finally started my Avatar rewatch last January, but merely got to the Ba Sing Se episodes in Book 2 (I need to continue with "The Earth King") and now it's been 5 YEARS since I last saw Korra. Reading through my journal personal posts from last year, I know far too well that it's not about rushing through it as fast as possible. Instead, I should enjoy the ride and continue watching the episodes when I'm well rested and in the right mood. That way I'll end up feeling much more at peace.

As for the entire year as a whole? I don't think anyone in this world of ours was prepared for the way this decade would begin - with an uncontrollable pandemic, the virus of which is randomly attacking and threatening to wipe out the weakest amongst us. If any of you (or even if you know someone who) have lost a loved one to this plague, there is not much else I can offer but my sincerest condolences! Me, my family, friends and colleagues seem to have managed to avoid catching it so far. *spits 3 x over her shoulder*

I had such high hopes for this year in so many ways. Event-wise I was looking forward to watching the Eurovision Song Contest in May (where Uku Suviste was supposed to represent Estonia for the 1st time ever after so many unfortunate failures to get selected as the winner of our local competition), the European Football Championships in June (asking my colleagues which countries they support, perhaps make fun bets / guesses with them to see whose team would win the matches), the Tokyo Olympic Games in July-August, the President of Estonia (Mrs. Kersti Kaljulaid) coming to visit my hometown to celebrate our Victory Day by taking part in the parade together with the Defence Forces (after 15 years *sigh*)...

I will always remember my last big event, which took place when life used to be "normal", so to say. It was the 102nd anniversary of Estonia on the 24th of February, when I took part of all the most important celebrations in Tallinn on our Independence Day, FULL-TIME (whenever I scroll through my Facebook timeline, I see the photos I uploaded of that day, my heart melts and I smile fondly). But the day after that.. utter hell broke loose. We had our first infected person in the country.

I will also remember the last day I went to work in "normal" conditions. Friday, the 13th of March (typically my lucky day-number combination): I missed the tram I wanted to get on in the morning, at work my team received great news that one of our colleague's family had grown bigger by a new tiny member the day before, we had our last team lunch together, we discussed the safety measures that we should take and joked about what might happen next week, I took the bus home instead of the tram (as the tram's route came from the airport and that place was considered to be more dangerous and with a higher risk of catching this virus).. It was another 2.5 weeks later by then (since the 25th of February) - Estonia (along with the rest of Europe) went into full lockdown.

The beginning was frightening and people were on edge, nobody really knew what to do nor what was gonna happen next. But in time, things began to shake into place and everybody developed a comfortable routine for remote work, including figuring out how to get everyday things done (such as grocery shopping). I found solace in taking photographs of various beautiful bird species, who began to fly around and serenaded me during spring, visiting the trees around my "nest" i.e. rented apartment (with a pair of them ACTUALLY building a nest in the chestnut tree right beside my window, thus turning me into a protective godmother of their chicks).

To be honest, I was awestruck by the positive / surprising aftermath of this lockdown: how the world / environment began to heal itself from the pollution that was normally caused by humans. I was taken aback by how dead silent our usually loud capital became in my neighbourhood (I could only hear trams passing by my house according to their schedules, practically no cars whatsoever, streets were empty of people.. absolute silence).

By May-June, things started to look up in Estonia (as well as the rest of Europe) and people were allowed to start travelling / moving around more freely. During my vacation in July, I managed to go to my last (open air) event (for the rest of the year) under these new "corona" conditions and ended up having a blast at the Open Farm Days in my home county for the first time.

Our country's shining moment came during the first week of September, when we hosted the first ever Rally Estonia of the World Rally Championship (WRC), where our very own Ott Tänak and Martin Järveoja won. The event was so well organized and successful that nobody caught the virus nor did the spectators / participants spread it to others, which surely must've helped in ensuring us a spot in the WRC calendar for 2021 as well.

The remainder of the year was rather dull, with the exception of the US Presidential elections in November, when we were all holding our breaths that Joe Biden would win (congratulations, my American friends!). This eventually led to the painful downfall of THE WORST government the Republic of Estonia has ever had, and to the rise of our first female Prime Minister, Kaja Kallas (both happening in January 2021, I couldn't believe it all spiralled so soon, ha-ha!).

Anyways, during the last 4 months, work was very stressful and driving me nuts, so badly that when I eventually went on vacation before Christmas, I had a slight anxiety disorder that wouldn't let me relax for several days (luckily it went away just as quickly once I began to take it easy and managed to get some proper rest / sleep).

In hindsight, I kind of get this weird feeling as if I saw this whole thing coming, given how actively I was living my life throughout 2019. My final year of the 2010's was so full of important events and personal achievements. It's almost as if something mysterious inside was driving me, telling me to visit all the places and do all the things I wanted to do, cause I wouldn't have this sort of a chance again for a very long time.

This must be the main reason why I am thankful for 2020 for going the way it did. Sure, I'm disappointed that a lot of events were cancelled, that so many people have had to leave this world so soon due to this unpredictable disease.. But I think there are so many lessons to take from what came out of all of this. I believe the world needed some sort of a restart or break, given in what direction we were headed (politically, economically, environmentally, socially etc.). I'm just sorry it's had to come with such a high price of innocent lives.

I have even higher hopes for 2021, given how amazingly January has already passed for me and my country, and what is to come in my hometown in February. Let's take the lessons learned from 2020 with us and keep on heading back towards the "normal" lifestyle we used to know. Except this time, let's improve our ways, put all the hatred behind us, be more considerate, keep a distance, stay safe, but still try to make the world a better place for everyone. Thank you so much for reading, for remaining by my side, and for your support and love throughout the years, my friends! I hope to see you all alive and healthy at the end of the white metal ox year of 2021! *virtual hugs*

#personal #shards of Kristal

[supertmntgirl]

Angel Dust x Fem!Reader Ch.2

I am so sorry this is late, but I had some writer’s block with this “chapter”. When I had things figured out, I went on vacation for a couple of days and I didn’t have time to come back to it. Since I’m a bit late with this, I’ve made this chapter a bit longer than the first to make up for it.

One last thing before the chapter, I most likely will be late with posting the next chapter. The reason being is that the application for the fall session of the Disney College Program is dropping in a few days and most of my attention needs to be focused on that.

With that all out of the way, time to start pt.2. Enjoy~

Summary: After finally landing a job, you’re taken out for some celebratory partying. But the evening doesn’t go completely as planned.

It had nearly been 2 weeks since you applied to Porn Studios and you hadn’t heard anything back. You went back and checked with the receptionist to see how far along in the process you were. But she only gave you the same response she did on the day you applied. Since its taken a while to get an interview, you decided that if the week was over and you still haven’t gotten a call or something, you’d look for another job. At the moment, however, looking for employment wasn’t as important as sleep.

It was Friday morning and you were curled up in bed, deep asleep after having a rather restless night. If it were up to you, you would’ve stayed in bed all day. Unfortunately, your plans were foiled by the sound of your phone ringing. Groaning tiredly, you struggle slightly to get out from under your covers to silence the annoying device on your night stand. After finally poking your head out from under the blankets, you grab your phone and look at the caller id to see who it was. You tilt your head slightly in confusion, not recognizing the number displayed on the screen. Shrugging your shoulders, you press the answer button and put the phone to your ear.

“Hello?” you answered with your voice cracking slightly.

“Is (y/n) (l/n) there?” a deep and masculine voice asked. 

You were slightly taken a back since you hadn’t heard this voice before. “This is she.”

“My name is Valentino. I own the Porn Studios building in the middle of town. I apologize for not reaching out to you sooner.”

You bolt right up out of bed when he said this, now fully awake. “No that’s alright. I’m sure you’ve been very busy.” you say as you hear a chuckle and papers rustling on the other side of the phone.

“Anyway, I’ve looked at your application and resumé and I have to say I’m rather impressed. Would you be interested in coming down for an interview?”

You felt like doing backflips and jumping for joy. But you kept yourself calm before answering him. “I would love to come in for an interview.”

“Great. I’ll see you down at the studio in an hour. Don’t be late.” Valentino says before hanging up the phone. After putting your phone back on the night stand, you jump out of bed and race over to your closet.

“I’m not getting kicked out~ I still get to live here~” you sing to yourself as you attempt to pick out what you were going to wear. After taking several minutes, you finally decided on a plain black dress with black flower patterns sewed into the bottom. You throw it on and take a look in the vanity next to the closet. The dress stopped right below your knees, which was a little longer than what you would normally wear. But the v-neckline was low enough to make up for the length of the dress. You reached back into your closet and grabbed a pair of (f/c) pumps that gave you a few extra inches. After giving your outfit another look in the mirror, you run into the bathroom to do your hair and makeup. Five minutes later you leave the bathroom and go back to your phone to check the time. The bright screen told you that you had a half hour left before your interview. Seeing as how the building was almost 20 minutes away from your building, you decided that leaving now would be the best idea. Unplugging your phone, you pick up a small black purse and stuff your phone inside. You quickly walk over to the front door and grab your keys from the hook right next to it. Before leaving, you look back at the mirror next to your closet. You were tempted to check how you looked, but you knew your anxiety would end up making you want to change. Since you didn’t have time for that, you decided to just leave.

~~~~Time Skip~~~~

After running several blocks, you finally made it back to the Porn Studios building. Trying hard to catch your breath, you look at your reflection in the window and straighten out your hair. There was some construction that blocked the main route to the building, so you had to take a detour that took almost twice as long. In order to get there remotely on time, you had to sprint practically the whole way. Which not only resulted in your disheveled appearance, but also caused your feet to feel like they were bleeding.

“I knew I should’ve brought a change of shoes…” you grumble lowly, finishing fixing your hair before pulling out your phone to check the time. Panic rushes through your veins as you saw you were a few minutes late.

“Shit shit shit….” you whisper to yourself as you push the doors wide open. Scurrying to the front desk, you slam your hand down to get the receptionist’s attention. “Hi, I have an interview with Mr. Valentino.”

“For a minute there, I thought you weren’t going to show up.” a very familiar deep and masculine voice called to you, making your heart stop. Feeling the blood drain from your face, you slowly turn towards the sound of the voice.

The owner of the voice didn’t look as menacing as you thought he would be, but still intimidating nonetheless. He wore a red top hat and matching fur-lined coat with pink hearts along the collar and plain white fluffy cuffs. He also wore something under his coat that appeared to have a zebra stripe pattern, which matched with the sash on his top hat. He also wore black gloves with matching heeled boots. Looking up to his face, you saw he had light blue skin with deep red eyes that hid behind big pink and gold heart glasses. If this was a different time and place, you would be thinking about how he looked liked what Valentine’s day would look like if it was a pimp.

“Mr. Val-“

“You’re five minutes late.” Valentino interrupted as he slowly walked over to you. You were about to start shaking as you noticed how much he towered over you.

“Y-yes I am….a-and I could give you many reasons as to w-why. B-but instead of wasting more time. I’m just going to say I am very very sorry and it will never happen again.” you say while struggling to meet his gaze. Valentino gives you a hard look for a while before a wide smile spreads across his face. Your mouth went dry as you saw his red-stained teeth.

“Normally I wouldn’t tolerate such behavior….” he says before leaning over so that his face was mere inches away from yours. “But how could I resist such a lovely creature like yourself? Especially since we’re in desperate need for web and video technicians.”

You shudder slightly as he reached out and gently stroked your left cheek. If this was any other job, you would’ve walked straight out and never turned back. But since you were desperate for money, you decided to just grin and bare it. “T-thank you. I hope that you can find a place for me here…” you say hesitantly while putting on a fake smile.

Valentino reciprocates your smile with another one of his own and gestures to an elevator that was right behind him. “Shall we?”You nod your head and follow him towards the elevator. 

Once you reached the doors, they opened so the two of you could enter. Stepping inside, you were pleasantly surprised to find that it was lit much better than the front lobby. It was your basic elevator that was silver on the inside and was big enough to carry at least 12 other people in it. Turning around, you watch as Valentino presses a button that leads to one of the 25 floors of the building. As you stared at the buttons, you noticed that there was a mini description as to what each floor was and what it held. The button Valentino had pressed led to the 13th floor, which was simply described as “Video and Web Tech”. As soon as the doors closed, you looked up at Valentino, only to find that he was staring right back at you.

“Normally we would be having the interview in my office. But since we’re running low on time, we’ll have to begin right now. I hope that’s alright.” he says while giving you a smirk, knowing you didn’t really have a choice in this situation.

“Of course, ask me anything.” you respond, hoping that he wouldn’t take it literally. Soon after you said this, he pulled a folded packet out from his coat pocket. After opening it up and adjusting his glasses, he started asking you questions. Most of the questions were basic work related questions. Like your work history and experience, how you work with others, your greatest strengths and weakness, etc. 

Either he had very little questions or the elevator ride was a shorter than you thought it would be. As soon as you finished answering his last question, the elevator doors opened up to the 13th floor. Valentino briskly walks out of the elevator and you follow closely behind him. The floor mainly looked like your stereotypical office space. Mainly cubicles lined up right next to each other with bright fluorescent lights beaming down from the ceiling. The only thing that seemed out of place was the several tv monitors hanging from the ceiling in different places. You looked around to find many of the cubicles were empty with only a handful of them filled with demons typing furiously on their keyboards.

“Was everyone killed during the extermintation?” you silently asked, which caused Valentino to abruptly stop. You almost fell over trying not to run into him.

“Not all of them, most of them we had to let go because of their incompetence…” he said in an almost sinister tone, which made you think there was something he was leaving out. Before you could ask him more, he turned towards you with forced smile on his face.

“Well here we are.” he says while gesturing to a cubicle on his left, causing you to look inside. There wasn’t much in it besides a medium sized table which held a compact computer and three computer monitors. You glance back at Valentino with a questioning look, he only gestures to the cubicle again, wanting you to enter the tiny space. You hesitantly step inside, pull the small swivel chair out from under the desk and sit down in it. You reach over and grab the mouse, causing the screens to turn on to a sickly green screen saver.

“Does this mean I get the job?” you ask hopefully while turning to look at Valentino.

“Not yet sweet heart.” he answers, causing you to frown slightly from the response and the pet name he gave you. He chuckles darkly while stepping into the cubicle, also invading your personal space.

“There’s just one little test I have for you.” he says while taking the mouse from you and clicking on an icon that was titled “PS Website”. Seconds later, a rosy pink website popped onto the screen which appeared to be for the studio. Before you could react, the website began to glitch out before making the screen go black.

“Oh my…” you whisper to yourself while pressing one of the keys on the keyboard, causing the screen to return to the screen saver.

“This has been going on for almost a month. No one can access the site without it shutting down by itself.” Valentino says before turning your chair so that you were facing him. “If you can figure out what’s wrong and how to fix it, you can start training on Monday.”

You bite your lip while looking back at the monitor. It won’t be an easy thing to fix, but you’re confident you can do it.

“How much time are you giving me?” you ask while looking back at him, making him smile creepily again.

“Until I leave today, which is around 7.” He answers, causing you to look at the monitor to check the time. The bottom right corner told you it was 1 o’clock exactly.

“That’s only six hours away.” you turn back towards Valentino, only to find him standing up and stepping out of your cubicle.

“Then you better get started.” he responds while walking away, leaving you alone. You release the breath you didn’t realize you had been holding and turn back to the computer screen.

“Alright, no pressure. You got this.” you mumble to yourself while placing your purse on the desk and cracking your knuckles to loosen them up. You then take a deep breath to calm you nerves and then get right to work. Going through the website and anything else on the studio’s hard drive to see what kind of glitches and/or viruses would be hiding there. You began to loose yourself in cyber space so much that you didn’t even worry about the time, you just focused on the task at hand. You didn’t realize what time it was until you felt a hand run through your hair, causing you to jump in surprise.

“Didn’t mean to scare you sweet heart~” you look up to see Valentino with an amused look on his face. “I just wanted to come check on you before I left. Were you able to fix our little problem?” he asks while leaning down to look you in the eye. You clear your throat before turning back to your computer screen.

“You tell me…” you mumble while finishing up some typing, causing Valentino to look at the screen with you. Several taps later, you press the enter key which brought the website back onto the screen. Valentino takes the mouse from you and starts looking through the website. After a few minutes, he gives a satisfied hum causing you to look up at him.

“Now do I get the job?” you ask hopefully before he looks at you with a satisfied grin.

“Yes, my associate Velvet will meet you in the lobby for training at 9.” he responds while standing back up again. “And I would strongly recommend being on time. She’s not as….understanding as I am.” He tips his hat to you before walking out once again. You were about to squeal with joy until he turned back to you.

“Just one last question before I go.”

You tilt your head in confusion slightly as he makes his way back to you. “What is it?”

“Have you ever considered doing any modeling? I’m sure you’d be very popular.” he asks while reaching out to tuck a strand of hair behind your right ear. Your eyes go wide and you instinctively slap his hand away, causing him to give you a confused and slightly angered look. You feel your face burning as you looked down at your hands.

“N-no, I prefer the behind the scenes work.” you say while lifting your hand up to fix your hair, covering your right ear even more than before. You hesitantly look back up at him to find he was still staring at you. He clears his throat and gives you a forced smile.

“Fair enough. But if you ever change your mind, models get paid double. Actors, triple.” he says before turning around and walking away, making you worry that you did something wrong before even starting work. You look back up to see Valentino getting into the elevator. He turns around and sees you staring at him, causing him to smirk.

“See you on Monday.” he calls out before the elevator doors close. You breath a sigh of relief, hoping that meant you hadn’t completely upset him. You stand up, grab your purse and walk back over to the elevator. With every step you felt excitement run through your veins, which ended up making you skip to the elevator. Once you reach the elevator, you press the button to go down. As you waited for it, you pulled your phone out of your purse and dialed Vix’s number.

“Speak peasant.” she answers, causing you to chuckle.

“I got the job!” you squeal happily, causing Vix to gasp over the phone.

“No fucking way! That’s awesome!” she responds as the elevator doors open for you.

“I know, it such a relief knowing I won’t be homeless next month.” you say while entering the elevator and press the button to the first floor.

“We should celebrate. Get wasted, party our asses off, sleep with random strangers…” she kept listing things you could do before you interrupted her.

“We can party, just stop saying things.” you say, causing her to squeal with delight.

“Sweet. Meet me at the Fat Angel in 15. I’ll be bringing a couple of friends since it’s not that fun to drink just the two of us.”

You roll your eyes as the elevator doors open. “Fine Vix, see you then.” you say before hanging up the phone and walking out into the lobby. As you walked to the front door, you wondered how crazy this night would end up.

~~~~~Second Time Skip~~~~~

You made it to the bar without any trouble, but you hadn’t spotted Vix yet. You pulled out your phone again to see if she had texted you, but she didn’t. Sighing, you put your phone back in your purse and lean against the wall right next to the front door. You could practically feel the music coming from the bar, which made you grow a bit anxious. You were starting to regret going out, but you knew it would be a great way to erase the previous stress and fear of becoming homeless.

“Well fuck me gently with a chainsaw.” you hear a sharp and slightly high pitched voice say out loud, causing you to look towards the owner of the voice. Several feet away, a very familiar spider demon was making his way towards you.

“Angel Dust…” you mumble to yourself as he stopped right in front of you.

“What a crazy coincidence we meet up at the same bar tonight. You must really want me~” he says seductively while wrapping an arm around your waist, pulling you close to him. You laugh slightly and try to pry his arm off you.

“Don’t flatter yourself…” you say while backing away slightly, causing him to pout cutely.

But you had to admit he really did look great tonight. His suit jacket and shorts were replaced by a baby pink, sleeveless dress. Even though it had a turtle neck top, there was a heart cut out of the chest to show off his breast like fluff. The dress was floor length but had two slits cut in it to show off his legs. His black boots were replaced with cream colored, sparkly ones that reached up to his thighs. You also noticed that he carried a medium sized purse that matched his boots.

‘Why is it that a guy looks better in a dress than I do….’ you think to yourself while brushing some hair out of your face.

“Anyway, what are you doing here?” you ask Angel, causing him to shrug his shoulders.

“I dunno. A friend of mine invited me to party with some of her friends. She said she was paying so I wasn’t gonna say no to free booze.” he answers nonchalantly, causing you to tilt your head in thought.

‘What a weird coincidence….unless….’ you thought while looking up at him.

“Angel! (Y/n)!” You both turn to see Vix and another female demon walking towards you. Vix was wearing a green sparkly halter top with matching booty shorts. Under her shorts she had iridescent teal leggings and black ankle boots on her feet.

The demon walking with her had blonde hair with pink and white accents. Part of it was pulled back in a high ponytail while the rest hung down past her hips. Her skin was as white as Angel’s and she has pink freckles on her cheeks and right shoulder. She wore a red off-shoulder crop top with a matching mini skirt. Under the skirt she wore ripped black leggings. You noticed that she was only wearing one red boot. The only thing weirder than that was the fact that she had only one eye that was mainly pink and had a yellow x as a pupil.

“Cherri! How the fuck are ya?” Angel yells as he jogged over to the demon girl while Vix walked up to you.

“Vix…” you say as she wrapped an arm around you.

“I know, I tried to invite more but they were the only ones available on short notice.” she says as you both look at Angel and Cherri talking to each other.

“Why didn’t you tell me you knew Angel Dust?” you ask her causing her to give you a confused look.

“I didn’t know you knew him. Besides, basically all prostitutes know each other.” she answers as Angel and Cherri walk over to you.

“Not that I don’t like standing outside, but can we go get drunk now?” Cherri asks while Angel nodded his head in agreement.

“Yeah! Let’s go get wasted.” Vix answers while dragging you inside the bar, followed by Angel and Cherri.Once in the bar, the four of you got into a tiny booth in the back. Angel sat next to Cherri and You sat next to Vix. Right off the bat, Vix ordered two bottles of tequila and a couple of shot glasses to start the night off.  Everyone was downing shot after shot while you only had 3. Someone had to be sober enough to take everyone home, it might as well be you. Soon all the tequila was gone and you were in the middle of a conversation with a drunk Cherri Bomb while Angel and Vix were having their own conversation.

“All I’m saying is that since there are apps for pretty much everything, there should be an app that tells you when demons enters your territory.” Cherri says before downing her last shot, causing you to chuckle slightly.

“Is that all the app would do?” you ask while moving your full shot glass away from her.

“No, it would also say who was in your territory and if they were trying to take over.”

You nod your head before drinking your 4th shot. “So when someone’s taking over, you’ll get a notification like ‘so and so has entered the ring, protect your shit.’” you suggest, causing Cherri to start laughing.

“Hell yes! That should be the name of it. ‘Protect Your Shit’. Trade mark it.” she says while falling back into her seat. She then starts to giggle uncontrollably, which caused you to chuckle a bit.

“I think it’s time for Cherri to get some sleep~” Angel sings while poking Cherri’s cheek.

“No…no I’m fine. Shut your face hole.” she mumbles while shoving his hand away with a slight yawn.

“Come on you. Let’s get you home.” Vix says while scooting out of the booth.

“Where the hell are you going? You’re paying for drinks!” Angel exclaims as Vix helped Cherri out of her seat.

“I will. As soon as I get back.” she responds while wrapping her arm around Cherri’s waist to support her. “Look after each other. I’ll be back in like an hour or so.”

“Bye bitches~” Cherri says while clinging to Vix as they made their way out of the bar, leaving you and Angel alone. As soon as they were out of sight, you look back at Angel to see him staring back at you.

“Finally we’re alone~” he says playfully while taking your hand into his. You roll your eyes and pull your hand away.

“You’re not gonna let this go are you?” you ask him, causing him to shake his head.

“Once I’ve made up my mind, I am going to fuck it.” he answers, causing you to laugh slightly. “So, tell me something about yourself.”

You tilt your head in confusion at Angel’s request. “Why do you wanna know?”

Angel shrugged his shoulders and played with his empty shot glass. “Well if we’re gonna eventually have sex, we should get ta know each other a little better.” he says matter of factly, causing you to giggle.

“I don’t think we’ll be having sex anytime soon. But I guess we should get to know each other. Since we’re co-workers and all.” you respond, making Angel groan in annoyance.

“It sounds so boring when you put it like that.” he says while resting his elbows on the table.

“Do you wanna get to know me or not?” you ask while crossing your arms, causing Angel to sigh sadly.

“Fine. How did you die?” he asks nonchalantly. You freeze up and look down at your hands. This was a touchy subject for you, as is most of your living memories. You look back up at Angel, who was looking a bit annoyed with the silence.

“I-its kind of a complicated story….” you trail off, causing Angel to roll his eyes.

“I don’t want your life’s story. I just wanna know how you died” Angel says in annoyance, making you flinch at his harsh tone. After a couple of seconds of silence, you let out a shaky sigh.

“I-I died in a fire…..” you mumble silently while sliding down in your seat. Angel stares at you for a minute before speaking again.

“Did you say you died in a fire?” he asked, causing you to nod your head.

“That fucking sucks. I died of a drug overdose, hence the name “Angel Dust”.” he says while gesturing to himself. You nod your head, still looking at your hands. Angel sensed your uneasiness, so he tried to change the subject.

“So, uh, can you do shit with fire?” he asks, causing you to look up at him with a confused look. “‘Cause of how you died an’ all. I fucked this guy who froze to death and he could like freeze shit. Not ta mention his dick felt like an icicle.” Angel winces at the memory, making you chuckle slightly.

“I can control and conjure fire. But I don’t always have control over it.”

“Whadda ya mean?”

You felt yourself start to open up a little more as the conversation continued. “My emotions greatly affect my….”powers”. So when I get mad or upset, I can’t really control it if my hands or body catches on fire.”

Angel was listening to you every word with rapt attention. “Thats so fucking cool. Not the part about not being able to control it. But just being able to throw a fire ball at someone.” he says while throwing an imaginary ball to emphasize his point.

“It doesn’t always work like that, but that is the general idea.” you say while laughing at his goofy behavior. Angel was about to ask you another question when you stood up and slid out of the booth. “If we’re gonna keep going with this question and answer thing, I need an actual drink. Do you want anything?” you ask, causing Angel to tap his chin lightly in thought.

“One Screaming Orgasm please~” you give him a cross look before he lifts his hands up in defense. “It’s a real drink. I swear.”

You roll your eyes and make your way over to the bar. Sitting at the closest bar stool, you wave to get the bartender’s attention.

“What can I get ya?” he asks in a gravely voice.

“Can I get a Berry Burst cider on tap, and a screaming orgasm drink?” you request, causing him to nod his head before grabbing a tall glass. He fills it up with the cider and slides it over to you. You catch it and take a sip, enjoying the sharp berry goodness.

“You’re still drinking that cider crap?” you hear a burly voice call from behind you. You freeze for a second before the blood started to boil in your veins. Ignoring the voice, you take another sip of your drink while growing impatient for Angel’s drink. Your heart rate increases as you felt someone sit in the seat to the right of you, but you didn’t bother looking up at them.

“What do you want Chad?” you ask, causing the demon next you to chuckle.

“I just wanted to see how my favorite freak was doing.” he responds, making you roll your eyes. You then felt the presence of two other demons right behind you, making you grow slightly anxious. “A couple of my buddies also wanted to see one too. I hope that’s okay~” he chuckles darkly while playing with your hair. You slap his hand away and try to ignore him the best you could.

‘Where the fuck is Angel’s drink?’ you think to yourself as you tighten your grip on your glass.

~~~~Angel’s POV~~~~

“Where the fuck is (Y/n) with the drinks?” Angel whines while dramatically laying down in the booth. You had been gone ten minutes and he had started to sober up a bit, which caused the impending hangover headache to slowly creep in. Angel sits up on his elbows and looks over towards the bar. He scans the bar for a few seconds before spotting the back of your head. He tilts his head slightly as he noticed the three demons with you, two right behind you and one sitting to your right.

“Looks like I’m not the only one who wants to fuck her.” he says while sitting up and sliding out of the booth. He stands up and straightens out his dress before walking over towards you. He slides past the other two demons and stands in between you and the one next to you.

“Hey~ what’s going on here?” Angel says while resting an elbow on your shoulder, causing you to push it off. He gives you a confused look as the demon sitting looks him up and down.

“I didn’t know you had a little boy toy (Y/n).” Chad says with a chuckle.

“I’m not her boy toy, but I could be yours~” Angel responds while wiggling his eyebrows. Chad doesn’t acknowledge Angel’s comment and continues talking to you.

“Have you two decided who’s bigger yet?” Chad asked, which caused both of his friends to start laughing. Angel looks at the other demons in confusion before looking down at you. You were hunched over the bar, staring straight ahead and not looking at anything else. He didn’t get too concerned until he saw the drink you were holding. Your grip was so tight that your knuckles were practically white, but that’s not what concerned him. The liquid inside the glass was bubbling, and not just the average liquor bubbles. It was actually boiling in the glass.

‘That’s probably what she meant about getting mad….’ Angel thought to himself before turning back towards Chad.

“Look buddy, you had your fun. Now I suggest you march your happy little ass outta here and never come back.”

Chad gives Angel an amused look before standing up to look him right in the eye.

“Oh yeah? And what are you gonna do if I don’t drag show?” he asks while poking Angel’s chest fluff. Angel grabs Chad’s wrist, twists his arm, and slams his head down on the bar. Chad’s friends try to come to his aid, but Angel pulls out two guns from his purse and points one at each of them. 

“Let’s try this one more time shall we?” Angel asks while leaning down so he could whisper right in Chad’s ear.

“If you don’t leave in the next 30 seconds, not only will you loose an arm. But your buddies will be loosing something a bit more precious than that.” Angel emphasizes his point by moving his guns so that they were point directly at the demon’s crotches. Chad says something under his breath, causing Angel to twist his arm more.

“What was that? Speak up bitch” Angel smirks as Chad whimpers in pain.

“I said we’re leaving.” Chad says while struggling to get out of Angel’s grasp.

“That’s what I thought.” Angel says while tossing Chad over towards his friends. He puts his guns back in his purse while sitting down next to you, not even aware of how you we staring at him.

~~~~Your POV~~~~

You couldn’t believe what just happened. Angel Dust, a demon you barely even knew, defended you against someone he didn’t even know. You start to relax a bit as Angel took a seat next to you. Before you could thank him, Chad leaned down to whisper in your ear.

“See ya around…..James”

That was when you snapped. You felt your anger come back full force as you turned around to throw your drink at Chad. He stepped out of the way so that the boiling liquor hit one of his friends instead. The demon screamed in pain and fell to the floor.

“THATS NOT MY NAME YOU BASTARD!!!!!” you screamed as the demon moaned in agony on the floor.

“You’re gonna pay for that you fucking bitch.” The other demon threaten as he began to charge at you. You throw your hand in his direction as it burst into flame, causing him to stop in his tracks.

“Try it. I dare you.” you threaten as you tighten your hand into a fist, causing the flame to grow bigger and brighter. The demon looks between you and Chad with a frightened look before picking up his friend and dragging him out of the bar. You turn towards Chad with your hand still ablaze. He shoots you a death glare before following his friends. You lower your hand and allow the small fire to put itself out. You look around to see everyone in the bar staring at you. Slowly turning back around, you sit back in your seat as everyone went back to what they were doing. The only demon left staring at you was Angel Dust. A few minutes of silence pass before you hear laughter. You look towards Angel to find him laughing hysterically, making you huff in annoyance.

“What’s so fucking funny?” you ask as Angel wipes a few tears away from his eyes.

“Did you see that guy’s face? He looked like he was gonna shit himself.” he replies before launching into another laughing fit. You were confused as you watched him lay his head on the bar from laughing too hard. But his laughter became infectious as you soon joined him. Your laughter died down as the bartender brought Angel’s drink and another cider for you.

“That was so fucking awesome! Who knew you could do that kind of damage.” Angel praised you as you both walk back to your booth.

“I could’ve done a lot worse than that.” you reply as you sat back down in the booth. Angel makes you scoot over as he sat down next to you.

“Yo, we should party more often. We can bust some bitches heads open” You laugh at Angel’s comment as he takes a sip of his drink, humming happily to himself. You look up at Angel, causing him to give you a confused stare.

“What?”

“Thank you for standing up for me. Chad’s…always been able to get under my skin. So…thank you.” you say before taking a sip of your drink.

“What are friends for?” Angel asks while lightly elbowing your side, causing you to look back up at him.

“Friends? We hardly even know each other.” you point out, causing Angel to shrug his shoulders slightly.

“Well if we aren’t friends after what just happened, that’s pretty fucked up.” Angel responds, causing you to chuckle slightly. 

“Very true...” you say while lifting your glass, making Angel do the same. “So here’s to new friends-“ 

“-and kicking demon ass” Angel interrupts while clicking his glass with yours. You both drink from your glasses as Vix finally came back to the booth. 

“What happened to you two?” she asks, causing you to giggle slightly. 

“Just some friendly bonding” Angel replies while wrapping an arm over your shoulders. Instead of pushing him away, you wrap your’s around his waist to pull him closer. Vix gives you both a bewildered look as she sits back down in the booth. 

“Ya had to be there” you say as Angel downs the rest of his drink. Vix just shrugs her shoulders and the three of you continue to party the night away. 

@hazbintrashftw

#hazbin hotel #hazbin angel dust #angel dust #angel dust x reader

[finding-the-path-to-your-heart]

Humanity

So remember when I said I wanted to fuck around and write that RevFinder Fic? Well, Uh. I kinda did and didn’t? I sorta just ended up writing about how the two would feel about the other human legends as a whole!The movie thing was  inspired by @zimtdraws so go check them out!

Words : 3k Characters : ...Pretty much all the Legends but mainly Revenant/Pathfinder Summary : Revenant, the Newest legend of the group, is asked to go find Pathfinder for movie night - in the process, he ends up finding a lot more than just where he’s hiding.

The Apex Complex was a mystery at the best of times. Seemingly springing up out of nowhere, it soon had a reputation as housing some of the most dangerous criminals, skilled soldiers and smartest engineers in the outlands. Nobody was allowed in, or out without the right clearance, and even then, the only way to get inside was via a huge dropship that would land and depart at regular intervals. Rumours were plentiful; was it secretly a huge testing facility to create the ultimate legend? A prison to keep the legends away from the population while they weren't trying to kill each other? Some kind of secret government coverup to hide the truth behind the entirety of the Apex games? There were even speculations that it was some kind of joint operation with Aliens. In reality though, unless you were one of the legends, you'd never find out about the dark activities that took place behind the high walls of the sprawling Complex...

 WHAM

 The head of the axe buried itself millimetres from the head of the speed-junkie, arms full of knives, ranging from intricately carved to plain and ordinary, a sharp yelp of surprise escaping Octavio Silva's - better known as Octane -  mouth followed by a bubbling laugh as he took off into a sprint, followed by the deep, grating breathing of Bloodhound, eyes flared and glowing as they round the corner and pull their axe out of the wall, only to point it towards the fleeing thief "You will bring those back, Octavio! My weapons exist for the hunt, not your insane stunts!" They let out a low growl, sprinting after the laughing figure and disappearing from view. In another room, 4 different images of the same figure, all wearing the same baggy jeans and loose jacket, pose together in front of a trio sitting on the couch; Ajay Chey, Makoa Gibraltar and Natalie Paquette, all trying to figure out what exactly they were looking at. Makoa was the first one to speak, shrugging after a moment of looking at the other two "Uh... Friday the 13th?"

 "Friday the?!-" 3 of the copies vanish after one of them turns to look at the trio, arms crossed as Elliott Witt stands to look at the three on the couch "C’mon! Les Misera-Misre-Mis- That French musical! Really you guys?" Ajay rolls her eyes, pointing one of the drumsticks she'd been idly tapping on the couch towards the now-pouting figure "T'be fair, NONE of those poses looked like you were singing. Dying, maybe, but not singing" laughter spills from the other two soon after, echoing throughout the living room and bringing a smile back onto the face of the engineer who falls back onto the couch, jabbing a finger towards the medic "Alright, let's see you do better!"

"Alright, I will!"

As she's getting up to start, a loud crash sounds out in the complex - followed immediately after by a loud, thundering "SILVA!" In the unmistakable voice of the complex's resident 'Mad Scientist'. Ajay sighs, rubbing her temples and giving the others an apologetic look "Sorry guys. Guess I'm on Octavio duty until Caustic stops threatening to use him as a lab rat" she turns, jogging out of the room with a yell of "OCTAVIO YOU DUMBASS! GET'CHA ASS OVER HERE!", her footsteps soon fading away.

A door swings open elsewhere in the house with a group of four walking back inside; Tae Joon Park, better known as Crypto, Anita Williams, Renee Blasey and, most curiously, Revenant, the newest member of the legends. Between them, they carry about a dozen bags, with 2 of them supported on Crypto's drone, his hands planted firmly in his pockets. Anita groans, rolling her shoulders and making her way toward the communal kitchen, the others following behind "I swear, if Witt tells me I've got the wrong type of cereal again, I'm gonna pour him an entire box and make him eat the whole thing. There's like 80 different types!" This draws a chuckle from the shorter figure beside her, Renee brushing some of the hair out of her face and setting two bags down on the counter "Oh, please. It's not like he's the only one with a particular quirk - you're the one who snacks on one type of ration bars and nothing else." She smirks, before Crypto navigates the drone over and sets the bags down "Frankly, I'm just surprised at how lax the security was in a store that big. I feel like we probably could have walked out with most of this and nobody would have raised an eyebrow." Anita shoots him a look and he raises both hands out of his pockets in protest "Just because we could didn't mean I did. Besides, if anyone is shifty, it's our newest addition over here" he glances toward the towering figure, as Revenant sets down his bags on the table, glaring across at the other 3 "Alright. I've done what you asked, now are you going to tell me why I bothered entertaining the thought?" A glance between the three ends with Renee leaning on the counter "Easy. It's movie night, and the new guy always picks the movie their first time. We just didn't tell you because we figured you'd say it was pointless" she smirks, the Simulacrum narrowing his eyes. "You'd be right. I have no interest in indulging this pointless activity. Unless there's anything else you want to bother me with, I'll be leaving." He turns, only for Anita to tap him in the shoulder "Yeah, actually. There's something else you can do. Crypto said he saw Pathfinder up on the roof and none of us really have a good way of getting up there besides Octane's bounce pads - and we banned those after the last incident. If you can grab him for movie night, we'll refrain from bothering you for as long as you want."

The figure grumbles for a moment before turning and walking away, muttering "Fine" under his breath as the doors to the complex slide open once more, allowing him access to the outside. The others, having watched him go, soon begin to move food into the numerous fridges and cupboards, avoiding the fridge with a padlock and a biohazard symbol on it. One cupboard opens to reveal over a dozen boxes of cereal, Renee slotting in another one and putting a post-it note to designate it as the newest one. Energy drinks, quick meals, ingredients of all shapes and sizes, all put in their respective places in companionable silence, besides the occasional correction from Anita. When it was done, the three look at each other awkwardly for a moment, before Crypto raises a hand "I'll see you all later tonight. Till then." Before quickly heading off, leaving Anita and Renee face to face - there's a pause as the two both try and figure out what to say, before Anita nods, and the two head their separate ways, with the latter yelling out "Movie night, tonight! I better see all your asses in the main room at twenty-one hundred or you're not getting to pick your own snacks!"

 A slow, steady clanking echoes across the outside of the complex as the Simulacra makes their way up to the top of the main building, clawed hands finding enough purchase in the various nooks and crannies to support themselves until they were able to pull themselves up to the roof, where the blue robot was sitting, looking down through a skylight - one that looked into the main room of the building. From there, it was easy to see the trio still playing charades, Ajay sitting down a smoldering, injured Octavio and patching up several gashes and burn marks. Caustic and Bloodhound stand off to the side, glaring at the grinning daredevil - one, similarly smoking, holding the remains of a gas barrel with a large gash along the side, a smashed breaker in his other hand, the other holding the numerous knives that had been taken, several of which were melted. It was even easy enough to see the more independent legends - Renee leaning against the wall and watching the interaction with a smirk, Crypto sitting in another chair in the room and fiddling with his datapad, Anita flipping over a number pad in the corner which read 'Days since last Stunt' back to 0. Soon enough, Octavio is handed a broom, and trash bag and escorted out of the room by Caustic, head hung low dramatically as he trudges out. Bloodhound examines their ruined knives before shaking their head, walking out of the room as well. All the while, Pathfinder and Revenant watch quietly, the former of the two seemingly only noticing the latter once the room settled down once more, perking up as his face shifts to that bright yellow smile

"Oh! Revenant! What're you doing up here, friend?"

"I'm not your friend. I just came here because the others told me to get you."

"Oh, really? I'm sorry to have caused them trouble! Thanks for letting me know, friend!"

Either the robot hadn't heard him the first time, or simply hadn't acknowledged it, being called 'Friend' by this walking toaster grated on Revenant's nerves.

"I'm not your friend." He takes a moment, pausing before looking down at the skylight "What're you even doing up here, anyway?"

The robot takes a moment, looking down at the skylight again with a question mark on his chest, before looking back up "I'm trying to figure out what it means to be a human"

The Simulacrum was taken aback by the response. So taken aback, in fact, that all he can utter is "Why?"

The robot continues on "Well, it all started with Dr Caustic wanted my help with some experiments because I didn't have 'Useless Human Morality'. Then Octane wanted me to try out a new stunt, because he said he needed someone without ‘Human Limitations’…and then Bangalore told me that she liked having me on the team because I didn’t crack under pressure like a human would…and, well, it got me thinking; what is a human?”

A brief silence passes over the roof before the Simulacra sits down on the same jutting out piece of roof that Pathfinder was, lifting a hand up in front of him and examining the cruel metallic talons that made up his hand before looking off to the side as the massive city that surrounded the complex. So many humans. So many useless wastes of time. “I can tell you what a human is. A human is a waste of space. They’re annoying. Pitiful. Emotional. They brag and boast and fight, all to prove among themselves who’s superior in these useless competitions – and for what? So that they can live more of their frivolous lives killing and plaguing the world with their existence, so they can spend credits on pointless trinkets and useless objects that will end up as little more than scrap metal and forgotten junk within a few decades. But most of all, they’re weak – their body are fragile so they cover themselves in armour, their ability to kill is lacklustre at best, so they invent weapons to do the killing for them, and they claim that their intelligence is what puts them at the top of a food chain when most of them aren’t even smart enough to know how pathetic they really are!” all the while, Revenant has been leaning steadily further and further forwards, looking down towards the skylight and the group playing charades below – a group that’s now expanded out to include most of the legends, with Caustic in the centre holding what looks like a remarkable realistic skull out and monologuing silently to it. “I mean, look at them! Even now, when they could be training, refining themselves, getting even MARGINALLY more useful, they’re doing THIS!” they snarl, gripping the piece of the roof so hard that it splinters and cracks under his grip, before slamming his feet onto the ground and standing up, forcefully enough that Mirage looks up at the sight above him, eyes widening and face going pale at the sight of the two robots looking down at the group from above. He seems to make some kind of excuse, quickly leaving the room and disappearing from view.

Revenant stands, back to the skylight, staring down at his hand, twitching and trembling with barely contained rage after working himself into a state. His hand turns, looking at the symbol of Hammond robotics on the back, eyes flaring up for a moment before a voice cuts through the miasma of rage that’d be clouding his head. “Are you okay, Friend?”

Revenant turns, eyes flaring up again, turning towards Pathfinder looking towards him with a question mark on his chest, before he runs a hand back over his head and takes a moment, letting out a deep sigh “I’m done with this conversation.” He turns, making to leave before Pathfinder speaks once again. “I don’t agree with you, friend.” Revenant pauses. The robot was so usually accepting of what other people said and believed, that it was actually rather uncommon for him to disagree with anyone – and this had caught his attention. He crosses his arms, walking back over and looking down at Pathfinder without sitting down, disdain in his gaze. “And why’s that?” Pathfinder’s eye turns back towards the people below, all laughing as Octane has removed both of his legs, crawling dramatically across the ground towards Bloodhound, who’s holding a long pole in one of their hands. The face on Pathfinder’s chest shifts to a smile as he turns to look back towards Revenant “I think Humans are much more than all of that. I don’t think you’re wrong – humans are weak and pathetic sometimes, but they can be strong in ways that I can’t! Gibraltar makes everyone around him feel happy and safe, Octane makes people laugh all the time, and Lifeline understands how to make people feel better when they’re sad – I can’t do any of that, and I think that’s a kind of strength!” Revenant makes to interrupt, but he continues “I train a lot of the time with shooting and grappling, but I don’t think I’d be anywhere near as strong if I didn’t have the others as my friends! They make me want to be better, and I want to be better for them right back! If they help me, it’s only fair I help them too. Sure, Humans aren’t strong, they’re fragile and weak, but…they don’t make fun of me for being cold and tough…and they don’t make fun of you, either! Neither of us are humans, but…most of the time, they act like we are, even though they don’t have to!” He turns, looking back towards the humans down below, swinging his legs slowly as he does so “I might not know who my creator is, but…if they want to treat me as a human, then I know who my family is, and they’re all the people who make me want to keep fighting!” his screen lights up in an exclamation mark and he turns towards revenant excitedly, grabbing his hands as he stands up “That’s it! Being human isn’t about having skin or organs or making silly decisions. It’s about caring about people, what they think, how they feel! Human isn’t a thing, it’s a way you think, and I think I can be just as human as the rest of them…with enough practice, at least. Maybe you could teach me, friend?”

A moment of silence hangs in the air, confusion written across Revenant’s face as he looks at the robot quizzically “Why on earth would you want me to try and teach you how to be human? Look at me, do I look any more human than you are?” “No, but that doesn’t matter! Human is caring about people, and with how much you spoke about them needing to be stronger, smarter and more useful, it sounds like you care about the people down there a whole lot!”

A moment of realisation flickers across the face of the Simulacrum, as he turns his gaze down towards the group once more. This…Pathfinder was right, for once. Why did he care so much about these meatbags? They were weak. Pitiful. Pathetic…and yet, they were honest, brutally so. From ritualistic hunting to mad science, none of them had made any attempt to hide who they were, and none of them had treated him any differently than the others around them. To them, he wasn’t some twisted abomination of steel and plastic, pretending to be a person, he was just…another Legend. Looking down, the light of the setting sun casts his reflection in the skylight, showing – for the first time in a long time – a human face, looking so, so very tired, wrapped in his shemagh, smiling weakly.

“I’m going to be going back down now. Are you coming, friend?” He’s snapped out of his staring by Pathfinder once more, currently in the process of dropping down off the side of the building, before nodding and dropping down with him, making his way back inside of the building alongside the azure robot, right as there’s a call of “Mamma Mia!” a laugh, and subsequent cheer that fills the room as the two performing in the middle collapse down. Bangalore turns, hearing the two walking back inside and smiling, turning towards Revenant and nodding her head “Thanks. You didn’t have to  do that, but you did, so…as promised, we’ll all leave you alone for the rest of the night. We’ll be in here, so you won’t have to worry about us disturbing you as long as you don’t come in” She turns around, heading back to the group before she’s stopped by his voice

“Wait. Would it…be alright if I joined you all for Movie Night?” Revenant asks, looking away, uncertainty written across his face before Bangalore laughs, grinning and patting his back, shoving him forwards until he’s standing in front of the group, confusion written across most of their faces – and fear across one – before she turns to the group “Our newest Legend here wants to be part of Movie Night – but I figure, if he wants to prove that he’s seriously interested, he should show us how good he is at acting, first!” what started as confusion soon turns into laughter, before a cheer of approval rings out, the tall, lanky figure standing in the middle of the room, confused for a moment before a faint smile crosses that skeletal face, dropping into a pose in the middle of the room and listening to the others starting to guess.

And were anyone to look into the room, they would see not a simulacra, but a human, a smile across his face as he rebuffs the various attempts made by the other people in the room, trying to guess what his gangly limbs and hard-to-read expression were trying to represent – they’d see something that looked less like a collection of killers, criminals and monsters, and something more closely resembling a family. An odd family, of course, but a family nonetheless.

#Apex #Apex legends #Apex Mirage #Apex Gibraltar #Apex Pathfinder #apex revenant #apex lifeline #apex wraith #apex wattson #apex caustic #apex octane #apex crypto #apex bloodhound #apex bangalore #so this is my first time writing something like this #so uh #go easy on me #I guess? #I tried to make it as ship-neutral as possible #and hopefully haven't fucked up or offended someone somewhere #but I'm always open to criticism and feedback!

[neonacidtrip]

Hello?

I’m going to start this off by saying: “Hey, I’m not dead!”

By this I actually mean, I’m sorry, I’ve lost all my social skills (not that I had any to begin with), so I feel very awkward. I’ve been obsessing over this post for,,,,,, a while now, but now that the moment is here, I’m drawing a complete blank.

Short version: I took a bit of a break from social media due to mental health.

Things got very,, overwhelming. For those who don’t know, I have depression and an eating disorder and some other stuff we’re not gonna get into. My social anxiety also went through the roof.

But I don’t want to dwell on the negative. It’s taken a long time, but I’m? in a position where I can look at other things? sorta? I still have my ups and downs. I don’t love myself, but I haven’t woken up in the morning thinking that I’m a waste of space in a long while. I’ve been able to regain the weight I lost without hating myself for it (mostly, anyway). And as I type this, for the first time, my heart isn’t racing at the thought of reviving this blog.

So, that’s what this message is. My hiatus is now a semi-hiatus. I can’t promise I’ll be active. This site still scares me. The idea of getting close to people terrifies me. I pushed away all of my online friends and my in real life friends and on top of that I lost my work friends, too.

But I’m going to try. Who knows how far I’ll get?

Before and during my hiatus, a lot happened. I hurt people. I was hurt by people. Even now, I had to block some people in order to feel safe here again. There are other people I love who have deactivated their accounts who I can only pray are safe and left because of the NSFW ban and not something more serious. To be honest, I’m surprised I even have any followers left, so cheers to those of you who stuck around, and extra props to those that were ride or die enough to read this long, long message.

I want to keep this post as un-triggering as possible, so I’m not going to get into the lowest of the lows. Instead, I want to advise that I’m totally into trying to answer asks and tags and stuff again. I’ll be slow. Things I was asked in the past will probably never be answered, for which I apologize. Trying to catch up on old things will be too overwhelming, but I might answer some of the more recent asks if I can.

So, it brings me great pleasure (and anxiety) on this Friday the 13th to announce that this Chilis is back in business.

Thank you for your time, lovely people

Sincerely, your neon psycho

#long post is long #i am back i guess #my heart is racing a bit but its chill im cool i can do this #hahaha im nervous #i didnt really say it because i hide behind humor but im sorry everyone for worrying you #what i did was wrong and im in a better position to see this now #but part of my mental health being better now is that i can forgive myself so im not going to take up all the tags saying sorry #i can only ask that you all forgive me too and if not thats ok i understand #im still a mess of stress but im trying #never thought id ever come back here to be honest but this is a step in reclaiming my life from my depression #now the goal is to make it through my worst fear: the holidays #my mom is helping me to get past halloween because the holiday horrifies me so lets see how that goes #long post gets long tags hhh i have no shame #i love you all and im sending hugs to whoever wants them #if anyone reaches out i promise im not ignoring you im just slow and scared and my notifications are off #long post #tw #depression #eating disorders #friday the 13th #neo returns #neo is back in business #im going to post this now before my brain or tumblr can stop me hahahelpme #neo rambles

[melodyoffiction-blog]

Fragment

I’m back...after a long while.

Was struggling with life and all but I’ve started briefly on a new fic on Hollow Knight. And what if a person of this world find themselves somehow within the world of the Hollow Knight?

Well that plot bunny just dashed off so I had to write something.

cross-posting to Archiveofourown!

Friday - 5th Jan.

Dear...well..diary I suppose?

It felt like I should start a new diary for the year even though it’s been 5 days in. Therapy seem to think it’s a good idea anyway. I’m suppose to write something even if it’s just a sentence long.

Such a chore.

Anyway!

I’ve just got a new game a couple months ago. Hollow Knight.

To be fair I’ve been playing it for a long time with many reruns! Gosh, the lore sometimes fucks with my brain. Like parts of it is missing or something?

Anyway! I’ve played so much that I’ve started dreaming of it! Isn’t that great?

Well...dreaming of some kind of Hollow Knight themed thing anyway. The bugs I’ve seen were huuuuuge. Clearly my imagination is much more creative then I am.

Saturday - 6th Jan.

I couldn’t get up from bed today. Played HK.

Sunday - 7th Jan.

I told Tony & co. I can’t make it to the party. I’m in bed. Sigh maybe I should try harder?

Monday - 8th Jan.

I finally managed to communicate with the bugs in my dream! They told me so many interesting things!

Like they could talk without their mouths moving! It’s like an X-men thing! Telepathy!

Apparently they’re all of the same species, or generally the same species? All the children are grub-like anyway.

I hope I dream of HK again!

Tuesday - 9th Jan.

Didn’t dream at all. Must be the new meds.

Wednesday - 17th Jan

I’m not sure if I was hallucinating but I’ve heard their voice when I’m awake. I mean it’s only a whisper and I couldn’t make out what they said but I swear I heard them! Maybe it’s a sign of schizophrenia or something. But I doubt so….

Saturday - 20th Jan

Everyday feels empty. I wake so tired nowadays...but at least I got to dream every night for the past week! I’ve learned so much about my imaginary world! There’s even different religions. I’ve seen some bugs experimenting with something that looks like soul and void and radiance! Maybe it’s my mind trying to fill the void of history. I mean the Pale King can’t actually be the one that gives intelligence to the bugs. There’s like huge statues of ancients and Quirrell ventured out of Hallownest with his mind intact!

Tuesday - 13th Feb

I’ve just flushed the sleeping drug that therapy gave. It’s not making life any easier to bare and I’d rather feel tired on waking than not dreaming at all…

Thursday - 15th Feb

Their voice is louder now. Still slightly above a whisper but now I could hear the words!

They’re begging for help. “Help….h---lp Us” or something like that.

What is going on?

Monday - 26th Feb

The dreams I had are surreal! I’m starting to doubt if it’s a dream at all! But it must be! I mean clearly it stems from all the time I’ve spent gaming…

Saturday - 17th Mar.

Lifeblood. Radiance. Void. Soul.

Arcane eggs are knowledge orbs. Uses soul to open.

Radiance - Moths (dreams, foreknowledge)

Void - Bettles (power, strength beyond all)

Lifeblood - ??? They look like..spiders? Six eyed insects…(healing, time halting)

Soul - unity of all 3, newest god, arcane powers.

I mean shit summary I know!

But they asked for my help, physically in a dream. They said I have time to choose as it’s a heavy choice. But to be fair, it’s not like there’s much for me in this world anyway…the only time I feel anything is within my dreams….that’s pitiful, huh.

A dark claw pats fondly on the slightly cracked mask of a small Vessel. Their voice croaks:

Over decades, different insect species evolved.

Moths started worshipped Radiance, in its glorious light and in prophetic dreams. She whispers to them, guiding them and giving them the power of foreknowledge,

Beetles worshipped the Void,

the dark and endless being,

he embraces them in life and soothes them in death.

He bestowed onto them the knowledge and strength of one who does not fear death,

for death is a way of unity with past ancestors.

Few follow the gentle sway and gleaming wings of Life.

She who breathes new life into all.

Though reclusive by nature,

they spend their lives guarding the condensed form of lifeblood.”

Looking down with all six eyes, at the small form with the cracked mask, they smiled gently as they load yet another harvest of lifeseeds into the small structure as they continued on their brief lecture of history to the silent, still form.

But a special few refuses to pick sides chose to be guardians of being. Guardians of the soul. For within every living being there is the soul in which arcane arts are made from. Where even the tiniest, youngest bug learns to use, to fuel their legs and jump higher than any should be able to.

Hahaha that was a fond memory of my youth. Got into such trouble too....ah...where was I...

Oh yes! Ahem.

Yet as it always is and will always be, not all experiments were for good causes and some got greedy for power. The boredom of this static life reflects in the boldness of their experiments. What was once created for the search of knowledge became creations of greed. For what is more important than the collection of more power. Slowly the bugs of power forget that their Gods were living, breathing beings too, although not ones encased within hard shells.

The dark being pinged the Vessel's mask as it continues pouring lifeseed after lifeseed, slowly submerging their form.

The moths claimed that the Pale King persuaded them to forget the Radiance, and that is what caused the start of the infection. The Pale King claimed that sacrifices are made for the greater good. For no cost is too much to sacrifice to stop the infection and he created thousands of vessels to contain it forever.

Yet not one bug remembers, remember the ancient beings that ripped the heart of Void into shreds.

Just to milk out one. last. drop. of power.

They took from the Radiance so much light,

that even the foreknowing ones are blinded.

It's voice shook with simmering anger.

We, the guardians of Lifeblood has seen this and fled, just barely, before the claws of the greedy, before they close around our God. And Soul, the youngest of the four gods, the strongest but also in some ways, the most fragile. Poor Soul was forgotten by the heretics.

As the essence of Radiance warped and no longer laid within our eggs, as void in his madness no longer embrace us. Soul weakens in every generation till now they lay dormant in all!

All due to the greed of ones who were trusted to guard their Gods. Fools all of them.

But now we, the true loyals, must run and hide.

The old, decrepit ancient being gave the small vessel a last stroke with their still shiny black claw as they encourage the living bark to grow over the now submerged Vessel.

Hide. All of us. But you dear one.

You will help Soul regain their foothold and bring the glory days back again.

...Well...one can only hope.

We’re lucky you landed without our reach. Our legs aren’t the best for climbing down this damned pit...and we're starved of company so we're sorry for the long rambling, young one.

They wobbled off, whistling a soft tune as the Lifeblood plant branches grew around them, concealing the newest secret they now hold within their branches.

#hollow knight #hollow knight fic #fanfic

[swiftedbethy13]

I’m now going to tell you about the most magical and amazing experience I’ve ever had and ever will have. This post is SO long so go grab some popcorn 🍿

So on October 2nd I was working a nightshift. It was little to do and just went in and checked my emails. I saw two emails from twitter saying Taylor Nation had sent me a DM!! I panicked so bad and went on my twitter to check if it was real. And on my twitter I have two DMs from Taylor fucking Nation. I stared shaking so bad and could barely breathe. The message said *CONFIDENTIAL MESSAGE* and that they have a secret, special event they would like to talk to me about, and to send my full name, phone number and best time to contact me. Have you ever tried typing in details like that while your hands are shaking so bad like you’re on drugs?! ITS HARD MAN! I obviously gave them my details (duh), and told them my lips are sealed and it sounds so exciting! Then I panicked cos I thought my reply was too late, and had to ask if I was too late, and then I apologised for sending them so many messages 😂 They said “haha you’re all good, thanks doll”. Then I was supposed to take care of newborns and their moms and stay calm at the same time. IT WAS SUCH A STRUGGLE! I had to go to the bathroom to try and breathe.

We were not supposed to tell ANYONE, but I just had to send my friend Lyndsay a message saying it’s important to check you DMs on twitter often. And she replied “I know, you too…” and I just KNEW she had gotten a message too. If she replied with something different I wouldn’t have told her anything. We started freaking out together and it was beautiful.

I didn’t know when to expect a phone call, all I knew was that I need to have my phone on sound at all times. Like you can’t miss the most important phone call of your life! I had an evening shift the next day and told work I just have to have my phone on sound cos I’m waiting for a very important phone call. Every time my phone rang I just immediately panicked 😂. I can’t remember the time but I was at work and in a patients room when my phone started ringing. I quickly said “sorry I have to take this” and ran out of the room. I look at my phone and it’s calling from New York 😱 I die and start shaking and answer. It was Ali calling from Taylor Nation!! She confirmed it was the right person she was talking too and gave me some more details. It was going to be a secret special event in London on Friday the 13th of October from 4pm-11pm. She asked if I was going to be able to make travel arrangements and I was like “duh YAS OF COURSE”. She told me I could bring a plus’s one, and since I knew that Lyndsay was already going, I gave them my friend Alex’s details. She told me again that this was confidential and I couldn’t speak about it to anyone except my parents, guardian and boss at work. I was going to get more information early the week following. I probably sounded like the most bored person cos I was IN SHOCK, like I was just “yeah” “uhu”, “yes”, and didn’t show any excitement at all 😂. She hung up and continuing work was the hardest thing EVER!

I made travel arrangements and sorted hotels with my friends. I was already going to London on the Sunday till Wednesday before the event on Friday, so I knew the week would go quick anyways. On Sunday evening I out of the blue get an email. I was at the hotel with my mom having a pamper evening, and I was SO THROWN OFF COS I THOUGHT I WOULD GET IT ON MONDAY OR TUESDAY. My mom filmed my reaction to getting this email and it shows how Taylor Swift makes me feel nearly 24/7 😂. The email again said that it was confidential and not to post anything about it or tell anyone. They gave us an address for a Holiday In hotel where we were going to meet up. They said not to bring too much personal belongings cos this was going to be taken off us as well as our phones. AT THIS POINT I STARTED TO BE MORE CERTAIN THAT I WAS GOING TO A SECRET SESSION. Hence my reaction to getting the email lol. I still tried to not get my hopes up, and tried to tell myself that maybe I’ll get to hear a new song and have a swiftie party. Good thing I was in London and could get myself an outfit. OMG IVE NEVER BEEN MORE STRESSED ABOUT FINDING AN GOOD OUTFIT EVER!! I did find it by the help of my really good friend!

THIS STORY IS GETTING SO LONG, sorry 😂 Well done for getting this far. I’m going to skip forward to Friday now (aka the best day of my life).

So, FRIDAY THE 13TH. I get up at 4am to catch my flight to London. My stomach is doing backflips trying to catch butterflies cos I was so excited and nervous and anxious at the same time. I couldn’t listen to any Taylor music cos I would just start to cry, so I ended up listening to P!nks new album (which is amazing btw). When I get to London I meet up with Lyndsay, Megan and Alex. We head to the hotel where we are going to stay and to meet up. Here we get dressed and as I was to put my makeup on I realise that I’ve forgotten all my make up and I go in a full on panic. IM SUCH AN IDIOT! Luckily Megan had makeup I could borrow. After we got ready we headed down to outside the hotel. There were loads of girls with red lipstick and dresses so we knew we were in the right place 😍. We qued up outside, they were running late, think we stood outside for 40 minuets maybe. We then got to the front of the line and inside (finally cos I was freezing my ass of). Taylor Nation was there ready to sign us in!! We signed a confidentiality contract and showed our ID and GOT OUR WRISTBAND!!! (KANDJFJRJDJ)!! It said United Kingdom on it, written in reputation font!!! SO EXCITING! We then went down the stairs to a room with lots of chairs in. There were refreshments, and hot drinks (yay for cold me!) for us while we waited for further instructions.

Then we were told to leave our stuff behind, including phone, and the first 25 people went on a bus. Me and Alex got on the second bus. Now I stared getting SO nervous, it’s ridiculous. Before we went on we where scanned by security. Then the bus took off! We drove a title while and was driving through the most posh neighbourhood EVER, like I WANNA LIVE THERE! The bus stopped and we were told to be quiet while we went off. I realised we were at a house, and you could only guess I was thinking we were at TAYLORS HOUSE!! There were lots of security while we were taken in a back entrance of the house and in through the basement. I had to knock on the door 😂 (so I could say I knocked on Taylor Swifts door, I know I’m extra 😂). We got scanned by security again before we were taken up to the kitchen. GUYS, THIS HOUSE IS AMAZING!! ITS SO HUGE. We still haven’t by this point been told where we are, but duh 🙄. I KNEW we were at Taylor’s house. Her kitchen is beautiful! She has 4 ovens!! There were lots of snack on the counters. Homemade chicken nuggets, fruit, cheese and fizzy drinks. There were also REP cookies!! And REP m&ms! SO COOL! Andrea and Scott was also in the kitchen talking to other fans. Me and Alex just hung around and talked to a few people. Then Lyndsay and Megan arrived, we hugged each other cos they also realised where we were. We then ended up talking to Scott. He has never been to Norway!! And I told him he neeeeeds to come here.

Her house smells AMAZING. I obviously had to see which candles she was burning so I could by them 😂. We were then told to get in a line as we were going to a different room. This was after everyone had arrived and had some food. Me, Alex, lyndsay and Megan were quite up front as we were taken to a living room. There were cushions on the floor and we sat down. I sat down not even thinking about where. Me and Alex chose a high cushion and shared it. A 100 people was going to fit in this room and it got really tight! When everyone had found a spot there was some whispering and the door opened a little. THEN THE QUEEN THAT IS TAYLOR SWIFT WALKS INTO THE FUCKING ROOM AND IM SCREAMING. We were so loud! I FUCKING LOVE HER SO MUCH 😭😭 Like I couldn’t believe she was like right there in the same room as me. As I was having difficulties breathing she sat down like 2 meters away from me and Alex, we had such a good view of her like OMG. Then she said we were going to hear the whole FUCKING ALBUM AND WE DIED. We now knew this was A FUCKING SECRET SESSIONS PEOPLE! SHE ALSO SAID SHE HANDPICKED EVERYONE! I FUCKING DIED! TAYLOR HAS LURKED ME FOR A YEAR WITHOUT ME KNOWING 😭😭 I’ve never had a like or a follow, and I don’t have many followers on any social media. STILL SHE FOUND ME! I’m got eye contact with her so many times during the listening 😭😭😍! SHE IS SO HAPPY TOO!! I JUST LOVE HER SO MUCH! AND IM TELLING YOU GUYS THIS ALBUM IS BLODDY AMAZING. (If you think you are stupid enough that I’m going to tell anything about the album, you are being funny, don’t bother asking 😉)

After she had pledged the album we got to look through the magazines!!! THEY ARE AMAZING AND IM SO HAPPY I WILL BE ABLE TO BUY ONE WHEN THEY COME OUT!! Then we waited to meet her JENFBDJSSHHSHDB 😭. I was getting so nervous by this point. Like I was going to meet the one person who has been there for me for so many years and I get to tell her how much I love her. We were one of the earlier ones to be sent in to meet her. Megan and Lyndsay were in front of us and a free they finished it was our turn.

I RAN OVER TO HER AND HUGGED HER AND SHE DIDNT LET GO UNTIL I DID 😭😭 I just couldn’t believe what was happening. She then hugged Alex and told me SHE FUCKING LOVE MY OUTFIT! She said “I love this whole outfit situation going on” I died. I told her that it’s not something I wear a lot and she said “you should definitely do!” IM OBVIOUSLY NEVER TAKING THIS OUTFIT OFF. Alex then said he wanted to wear the same outfit but we couldn’t match so he said I could wear it, and she laughed 😂 I love how we had a sarcastic conversation with Taylor Swift 😂 She then laughed at Alex’s apology for his bored resting face. I’m SO PROUD OF HIM SPEAKING TO TALOR, you have no idea! ❤️❤️ Then we were told to move to the side a bit cos they were going to open up the front door (so no one could see she was living there). This gave us more time with her and I’m so grateful! I then asked her about anxiety with singing and she gave me tips on singing and performing in front of people. TAYLOR FUCKING SWIFT GAVE ME ADVISE ON SINGING AND PERFORMING!! JJDNDJDJFJRJD. Alex then thanked her for giving him the best friends ever and she hugged us both again 😍 Then it was time for picture. We didn’t plan a pose, we just took one. SHE RESTED HER HEAD ON ME AND I SISNT NOTICED BEFORE I SAW THE PIC! It’s so adorable 😍 There were so much more I wanted to tell her, wish I had a few more minutes but I guess she had ALOT of other people to meet.

We then went out in the hallway and ended up talking to Andrea. She reminds me so much of my mom!! She is also a bit similar! I told her about my mom and that she was worried I was sleeping in the airport by my self the following night. We then talked about how happy Taylor is and she was tearing up 😭 It was so beautiful to see how happy her parents were for her 😍😍 We gave her a biiiiig hug and then walked down to the basement again. There we stood trying to comprehend what just happened. I still don’t believe it, don’t know if I ever will? We then got merch!!! We got a REP tote bag, pop socket, t-shirt, a sticker, a cap and the best thing ever, a exclusive keychain that only us on the secret sessions London got. IT WAS SO NICE OF THEM! We were then sent on the bus back to the hotel. There we spoke to Ali about confidentially again and what we could talk about and not. She is so sweet!! Megan and Lyndsay old us TAYLOR KNEW WE WERE IN NASHVILLE TOGETHER 😭😭 OMG!!

When we came back to the hotel I called my mom and SOBBED. I couldn’t even talk to her cos I was crying too much. Then I posted online on my social media about what happened and my phone wouldn’t stop buzzing.

I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR TALOR SWIFT. THANK YOU SO SO SO MUCH FOR THIS!! And thank you to Taylor Nation for giving us this opportunity, it means so much to us ❤️ The picture ended up perfect and I’m going to hang it on my wall so I can stare at it everyday 😍 I’ve been crying since Sunday cos this has been so so emotional to me. I can’t even tell people what happened without crying.

@isturkeyanickname

I’m sorry this story is a mile long 😂

Thank you so much @taylorswift and @taylornation

#taylor swift #taylornation #reputationsecretsessions #london #my story

[artgirllullaby]

Double Trouble

The fact I’m posting this when season 3 just started is purely coincidence.

No, really. I planned to post this 3 days ago, but I had another project that required my attention until yesterday so I couldn’t focus completely.

So here it’s to @jantomweek day 4 prompt “double date”. I admit I had a lot of  fun with this one and even wrote this before day 3 haha.

A special mention to @weather-artz cause I know she loves Jantom, I hope this little bit helps to bright your day my child <3

Anyways I hope you guys like and have fun!

Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4 | Day 5 | Day 6 | Day 7

There were just a few things in this world that Janna couldn’t understand. For one, she would never get the right value of x (she gave up long ago, but miraculously always got the right answer in math tests even if her whole account was wrong), she wasn’t able to do voodoo (yet!), Tom somehow was hella chill around her… But the biggest mystery and that made Janna break a glass she was holding once (just by her own force) on how much she raged at it, was the fact Star and Marco were just friends.

And they are fine with it.

“I mean…” Janna went on one of her rants as she and Tom were chilling at her sofa forgetting all about Friday the 13th gameplay they were watching after dying once again, “if they were really just friends it would be ok, but they are not! You don’t act to your friends like they do! They are pretty much dating each other without noticing and letting out the kissing part and stuff!”

“Uhm…” Tom murmured listening to her, but it felt like he was paying more attention to the inexistent tangles he was undoing on her hair as she laid on his chest and while he was laying on the couch.

“I am serious! Tom, they have matching keychains! Star has a Yin and Marco has a Yang and if you put they close they glue to each other by the magnets inside! We didn’t have matching keychains before we started dating!”

“To be fair we already used matching wristbands,” Tom replied looking at her ceiling. Was that a blood drop or another mosquito corpse glued in the there?

“I am serious, Tom!” Janna whined turning around so she could look on his face and pulling his leg of the couch by doing so, “We need to do something!”

Tom huffed and rested his hands on her back, “I don’t see the point in that.”

“Don’t you care about our friends?”

“You know I do, but I don’t see why it should concern us.”

“Because it’s making me mad. It’s just so freaking obvious they like each other why they don’t just-” Janna pointed to a random direction with both hands- “Do it.”

Her boyfriend pulled her into his chest gently caressing her hair again (why did he like that so much?), “I understand you want them together and you love them, but force won’t help anyone. It might have the opposite effect even.” She huffed and he gave a light kiss on the top of her head. “We can’t be cupids, you know very well how that ended badly the last time we tried.” They both shivered at the memory of when Janna learned a love spell by accident and had half of Echo Creek falling in love with objects instead of people...

“There must be something we can do!” She pouted.

Tom looked at the wall across him thinking, “Well… The most we can do it’s to call them to tag along on a date. They won’t want to be around for long and will have no other option but to hang out with each other.”

She moved on his chest, “I guess it could work…”

Tom smiled and kissed her forehead, “We can’t do much more than that anyway.”

“Fine…” Janna supported herself on her elbows in his chest, “We gonna use those tickets we got from the park, I’ll get two new ones and say we won the 4 of them”

“Sounds like a plan.” Suddenly there was a voice of a woman speaking and he looked at the screen where showed Jason walking back to his house where his dead mother called him. “Well, new round. We go with who this time?”

Janna didn’t reply, instead of holding his face turning towards her again and smashing her lips against his. The last thing that the demon would do in this world would be complaining about her surprise kisses (he wouldn’t dream of interrupting either, especially when it got this passionate) if was one of the best parts of dating her. Janna simply didn’t give a care on where or who was watching and was able to make him forget about that too when she kissed him.

For good or bad she was like drinking to him and he was past phase of drunk in love.

“Hey, if you two are going to make out at least mute the damn microphone again!”

Janna leaned back smirking at Tom and he blushed frowning at her. The bad part was the huge embarrassment she would put him into (since she didn’t care about it), by parents gasping, disgusted children, groaning in movies, complainings and witness around.

His girlfriend sat up and took the controller setting them to play as Jason and then getting the headphone to use.

“Get ready to get smashed guys!” she said and Tom heard the players groaning, two even got out the server. Janna was a merciless Jason, if you didn’t get to call the cops and have a way to run away before she got the 3 first powers, then there would be no way to win.

She put the microphone on mute again when he sat beside her and kissed his cheek, “If I get to kill all of them you call; if one of them get to escape, I’ll call them. Afterwards, some make out.” she winked at him and then got back in the game that was just starting.

Tom smiled, “Let’s see if you can.” He pulled her towards his lap hugging her by the back giving a sweet kiss on her jaw.

After all his teasing by tickles, kisses and even screaming to the players on where she was going, she called Star and Marco. And only after he got the kisses he wanted. Still worth it.

.

.

None of this was worth.

Janna was angrily sipping her smoothie, Star looking at her worried and Tom acting completely indifferent. She was mad, but unless she took the Witchery handbook out her pocket things would be fine.

“Why are you so mad?”

“Because out of all days and out of all people to meet in the freaking park, we had to meet Jackie and she had to come today!” Janna smashed the plastic cup on her hand as she looked at Marco and Jackie friendly talking as they were getting their ice creams.

Star looked confused at Janna, “I thought you were friends too?”

“We are! But not-” Janna sighed heavily- “Just not a good moment for her to be here…”

Tom handed some paper napkins so Janna could clear her hands from the smoothie she smashed, “It’s not like she’ll tag along, she’ll be back to her friends soon.”

“Hey, guys!” Marco said handing an ice cream to Star and eating his as Jackie was still waiting for hers, “Guess what?”

Tom had a bad feeling and made negative signals with his arms doing an X to Marco behind Janna, he looked at it just confused as Star, but paid attention to Janna anyways “Just say it, Marco”

“Uh…” He decided to ignore Tom’s wild signals and replied Janna, “Jackie’s friend got sick in a ride and they are riding back and won’t come back until later, so she’ll be tagging along for the afternoon!”

Janna let out something that sounded like a roar and jumped to Marco’s throat, being stopped by Tom who held her by the waist before getting her on his shoulder and walking off so she could calm down.

“What was that?” Jackie asked as she watched Tom carrying a cursing Janna away.

“No idea.” Both Marco and Star shrugged.

.

At the end of the day, Jackie was finally back with her friends. To make sure Marco didn’t suddenly decide to turn the “double date” against them, Janna made girls and boys day by doing some rides with Star and Jackie while Tom and Marco went on the other cars.

They were finally eating something waiting for the night show to start in an hour. Janna was happily chatting with Star while eating her fries when suddenly her friend began to feed Marco and giggle as he texted his mother that they had already eaten, but that wasn’t out of ordinary.

What was out of the ordinary was Marco quickly looking around and then going up to Star and giving her a quick peck on the lips.

Janna dropped the french fry on her hand, Tom blinked twice and her jaw dropped to the table. Star giggled at Marco and turned to them again blinked innocently at their shock.

“Uh, you guys ok?”

And then Janna let out a scream while Tom went on laughing hysterically.

“Since when?! How?! Why you didn’t say anything?! How come no one knows?! How I didn’t know?!”

“Uh…” Star thought for a second before replying “Since a year ago… We kinda realized and decided to give a try… Sorry, I lost the other questions.”

“How no one knows and how she didn’t know.” Marco supplied.

“Thanks, honey” Star smiled and gave him a kiss on the cheek “We aren’t exactly hiding, we just don’t know how to announce and we aren’t fans of public demonstrations either, so… I guess this answer both questions.”

Tom had finally found a way to stop laughing and fist bumped Marco “Congratulations on your victory man.”

Marco smiles sheepishly “Thanks.”

“You didn’t tell me” Janna pouted sitting back and crossing her arms.

“I'm sorry, we just… decided to let everyone figure it out. It wasn’t my intention to hide.”

Tom hugged Janna by the waist and kissed her cheek “Come on, at least they are together and Jackie wasn’t a threat as you thought. And they to be a thing wasn’t what you wanted?”

“I guess” Janna took another french fry and pouted. Star and Marco laughed in her childish behavior and Tom kissed her cheek again so she gave in and smiled. “Well, I guess this deserves a cheer?”

Everyone grabbed their sodas, Star had a cup since she was sharing hers with Marco. Tom was the one to speak up, “To the most subtle double date ever”

“Agreed, cheers on us!” Marco giggled.

“I never thought I would see my ex-boyfriend with my friend while on a double date with my best friend and current boyfriend. Earth is weird.”

“Well, it makes us wonder what if things went different somehow right?” Marco said laughing.

“Not for me.” Everyone took their drinks, but Janna finished speaking, “I would still be ok since I had a crush on every person in this table.”

Janna took her soda while all the others spilled theirs.

#jantom #jantomweek #day 4 #double date #double trouble #janna ordonia #janna banana #tom lucitor #starco #star butterfly #marco #svtfoe #star vs the forces of evil #star vs #janna x tom

[thedappleddragon]

Ok I’m a big dumb dumb and went almost a full week without updating yeehaw

Day 147 (Friday August 7th)

I patterned and sewed all the short pile face pieces for my fursuit

Day 148 (Saturday August 8th)

I spent a lot of time in my backyard after hearing my mom talk about her marital issues and how my dad is really emotionally abusive to her. Idk what I’m supposed to do about it other than pretend it isn’t happening 😗 ✌️ then my dad brought me Arby’s for dinner and we talked a little bit about nothing. I stared at him and really LOOKED at him, as if we were strangers meeting for the first time. He looks so old now, with deepening wrinkles and whiting hair. And I thought about how I don’t really know him, and how I couldn’t picture him doing all that shitty stuff to mom. I just don’t know how to feel. I didn’t mention it to him.

Day 149 (Sunday August 9th)

I finished furring my fur suit head (aside from the neck piece. The first time I traced out all my pattern pieces, I did them all backwards. Thankfully I noticed before cutting anything out, so I just retraced everything.

Day 150 🥳 (Monday August 10th)

I finished my suit! I tried a few different methods for the eyes, and ended using a plastic folder and some vinyl material off of a binder from church. I tried using a plastic storage container lid, but it was too difficult to cut through so I gave up. I had even brought it out to the backyard to clean it off with the hose, which felt almost nostalgic. Every time I use the hose, I remember a time when I was little and all the neighborhood kids were playing in my backyard. The hose was streatched across the yard so the end was at the top of the slide, making it a water slide that ended in a big puddle. I shouted over to the other kids something about twisting the wheel thing towards my house, since that’s where the party was. Anyway I finished my suit and happy stimmed like hell when I put it on, dancing around my room and jumping back and forth to tire myself out. I took a few pictures by myself while home alone. I haven’t shown it to my mom yet because I think she’ll poke fun. My dad is very supportive and my sister is neutral about it but it feels like she’s both impressed and judging me.

Day 151 (Tuesday August 11th)

I spent the whole day outside, and I saw a bunch of wierd bugs and a frog. I joined r/whatisthisbug and had the same professor dude answer all 3 of my questions.

The first one is a white marker tussocks moth caterpillar, and the other is a freshly molted wheel bug. I also submitted pictures of a freshly molted cicada I found a few days ago, and that post got 74 upvotes :) and that frog has been in the same spot every day I go back to check. He’s very cute and may stay as long as he pleases.

Sorry for the bad picture, but I also harvested some beans from the plants in my front yard. Very satisfying to play with.

My sister and I FaceTimed our brother Eric. I showed him my fursuit and he seemed impressed. Emily then gave me her old laptop, since mine is broken rn. I joined the stardew valley discord and played multiplayer for the first time! It was really fun. I also spent forever trying to get used to using a Mac. It’s still wierd lol. At night, I was on the computer just for the sake of being on the computer just because I was so starved. Also revisited furvilla, I like breeding mini pets and making bank selling supplies.

Day 152 (Wednesday August 12)

I played stardew valley literally ALL DAY. It was great, also the prettiest farm I’ve had yet. I tend to min/max pretty dang hard in that game, so it was nice to take it easy and lay down stone paths and make fences and let someone else influence my play style. Later at night, when the 2 other people I was playing with were busy, I really want to play stardew but I didn’t want to go back to my old saves or start a new one. The save data from my recent active farm didn’t transfer over, so I revisited my very first farm. I had quit that one because STV stopped working on my home computer and I had to stop for a long time. I couldn’t get back into the fast-paced endgame on that file, so I started a new one. I think steam broke on the home computer too, so I made 2 more when I got my brothers old laptop; one new main farm and one specifically for multiplayer. Then that laptop broke. Anyway sdv rant over. It’s really fun and I want to make my friend buy it since it’s on sale right now so we can play together. I also almost bought Minecraft, but Idk how often I would play it because I’m bad at video games.

Day 153 (Thursday August 13th)

Had a wierd morning I think? I had a dream about my dad dying of a heart attack while trying to look at the stars, and then telling him about my dream while still dreaming. Eventually my mom, sister and I drove to pick up groceries and I almost made my mom cry because I’m bad at driving and she always thinks I’m about to wreck the car. She screams all the goddam time at my every mistake, so I made emily drive us home, but she made me pick up smoothie king after a terrible time in the parking garage. I had to de-stress in the backyard for a while until I decided to take a shower and start on another fursuit. My mom has just given the dog a flea bath but didn’t rinse out the fleas and I was too grossed out and skipped the shower. I worked on the head for 4.5 hours excluding breaks, listening to drawfee the whole time. I made myself dinner with Mac n cheese n steamed broccoli. I want to sell the fur suit head I’m working on rn so I can buy more fur colors and maybe make a job out of it before I head off to college.

#hehe get it. head off. like fursuit head. HA #thanks for coming to my ted talk #corona diary #entomophobia #bugs tw #bugs /

[roseymoseyberry]

Samsara (2/?)

ahhh, i’m so excited that so many folks are interested in this fic! I was going to hold back on this chapter a little longer but, eh. Consider it a friday the 13th surprise.

This fic can also be found on AO3 now, though I probably won’t post this chapter there for a little bit longer. Eventually both blog and ao3 will be updated at the same time though.

I hope you enjoy~

(also, a car is mentioned in here, and I imagine it’s something like this guy)

Title: Samsara

Series: RID15 and TFP (and some tidbits grabbed from Aligned wiki pages)

Ship(s): Wildbreak/Knockout, Breakdown/Knockout

Tags/warnings: Reincarnation AU, hurt/comfort, verbal/physical abuse (though the worst of the physical abuse is barely described or off screen), past character death, age difference (but still consenting adult alien robots), a lot of filling in worldbuilding gaps and making shit up, and a lot of Wildbreak being a sweet boy who just needs some love and affection.

Fic Summary:

From the day he was forged, Wildbreak had felt like there was something missing; some motivation or drive or desire that had been left behind in the Allspark.

Something he should know but didn’t.

|Chapter 1|Chapter 2|

Knockout didn’t make it easy. Wildbreak had thought him fast before, but now Knockout was a demon on the road, drifting around corners while his engine roared.

But if there was one thing Wildbreak was proud of, it was his own prowess on the road. The Stunticons didn’t demand rule over roads without reason.

It was neck to neck, with Wildbreak slipping past Knockout a few times with an eager rev, and he would swear he heard the other car laugh before gunning his engines and fighting his way back to the front. Knockout even began to play dirty, bumping into Wildbreak occasionally, but Wildbreak knew every dirty trick there was in a race. He might have been young, but driving with his team was never polite or by the rules.

Knockout wouldn’t shake Wildbreak. Not when his spark pulsed wildly like it was.

And by some stroke of luck, after the sun had set and the stars were out, Knockout transformed, vents wide open as heat billowed out, and said, “Alright, alright. I guess you deserve something for that performance.”

The first time that they talked, Knockout had insisted that Wildbreak tell him all about his life. When Wildbreak had tried to say that it wasn’t very interesting, that Knockout wouldn’t want to hear about all that, Knockout had laughed and said, “It won’t be that long a story anyway, so relax and fess up.”

So Wildbreak had told him about Dragstrip, and about the Stunticons, and the various jobs they had taken over the span of Wildbreak’s life that had led them to Earth. It had been awkward at first, because Knockout was an Autobot, so surely he was judging Wildbreak for the symbol on his chest and all the illegal things he had done.

But Knockout never looked especially shocked. He just nodded and urged Wildbreak on.

It wasn’t until the very end that Knockout asked, “So what’s the end plan for you? If this whole Stunticon business doesn’t pan out?”

Wildbreak blinked at him, confused, because he had never considered what he would do without the Stunticons. But Knockout insisted he needed to come up with a backup plan.

“Loyalty just ends with a knife in your back.”

Wildbreak’s spark had twisted unpleasantly at that, aching like an old wound he didn't remember receiving.

Wildbreak promised that he’d think about it but only, he shyly added, if Knockout promised they could meet again.

It was probably one of the bravest moves Wildbreak had ever made.

And Knockout had laughed and said he’d stick around the area for a while. He wouldn’t give an exact timeline, but that was enough for Wildbreak.

“What’re you looking so happy about?”

Wildbreak’s expression turned sheepish in the face of Dragstrip’s scrutiny.

“Just a good drive, I guess.” When Dragstrip didn’t appear satisfied with that answer, Wildbreak continued, “Got to race a guy.”

Dragstrip made a face. “Why would you race with a squishy?”

Wildbreak shrugged as he settled on the slab he usually recharged on.

“Gave me a run for my money,” Wildbreak said, aware that while it wasn’t a lie, it wasn’t the full truth either since he wasn’t correcting Dragstrip’s assumption. “So I dunno, it was fun.”

Dragstrip didn’t look convinced, but luckily it looked like he just couldn’t believe it would be fun to race with a squishy, not that he doubted the story.

“Whatever. And uh, did that help with your whole business?” Dragstrip asked, gesturing vaguely at Wildbreak, and it was clear he meant his spark.

Truthfully, Wildbreak’s spark felt more turbulent than it ever had before. But it was nice. It felt like victory.

“A little bit,” he admitted. “I think if I just keep driving sometimes it’ll straighten itself out, you know?”

“It better.”

The second time that they talked, it was a couple days later when finally Wildbreak could get away again. He made it to the same spot as before an hour before sunset and waited, anxious and worried that maybe Knockout wouldn’t show, that they would miss each other or that Knockout had simply decided he wasn’t actually interested.

But as the sun disappeared over the hill in the distance, Knockout’s engine gave away his arrival, and Wildbreak’s spark soared.

“Knockout! You showed up!”

With a transformation and a smirk, Knockout remarked, “I never miss an opportunity to be adored.”

Wildbreak’s optics went wide and heat spread up his neck and across his face, embarrassed and flustered. Knockout laughed, not cruelly but just amused, but it faltered a bit as his optics lingered on Wildbreak’s expression. And that look from before – almost like recognition and tainted by sorrow – took over, lingering this time as he ended his now forced chuckle with a cough. Knockout glanced away as he moved to flop down on the grass beside Wildbreak.

It was the first time Wildbreak had seen Knockout without total confidence and it nearly felt as if it had set his spark aflame with affection.

A wide grin split Wildbreak’s face despite his embarrassment, and he scratched at the back of his neck as he said, “Whatever brings you back works for me.”

Knockout snorted, teased him about being desperate.

But he didn’t seem to really mind.

And when Wildbreak asked him to talk about himself this time – “I don’t got much else to tell you about me anymore” – Knockout agreed.

Knockout told him that he had been a Decepticon up until the very last second when the chance presented itself and he jumped from the metaphorically sinking ship. He talked about how he had made his bed based on who the winning team would be, and maybe he had guessed that wrong, but the Autobots were a much more forgiving lot than Decepticons. The Autobots were usually open to picking up defectors—

“Yeah, yeah, I get it,” Wildbreak grumbled. “Backup plans and all that.”

“Just making sure to pass on my knowledge to the youth of today,” Knockout insisted with a sly look.

“It’s not like I was just forged yesterday.”

“Please. You’re so young that you’ve only ever known the Decepticons as synonymous with common criminals.”

“You’re not gonna start in on a ‘in my day’ lecture, are you?”

That brought Knockout up short, his frame going stock still before he sneered.

“I’m not old.”

Wildbreak couldn’t help giggling as he teased, “Aw gee, course you’re not. You only got what, a couple hundred years on me? Couple thousand?”

Knockout shoved him, but it was softer than what Wildbreak was used to, didn’t hurt in the least.

“Who told you you could talk back?” Knockout complained, and that did hurt. Wildbreak stiffened and looked down at his servos, twisting them together.

“Oh, uh, sorry.”

It was quiet for a moment before Knockout said, “What? Why are you apologizing?”

“For talking back?”

Wildbreak flinched when digits tucked under his chin, but Knockout was gentle as he turned Wildbreak’s helm back towards him.

Knockout stared at him sternly.

“You’re always allowed to talk back.”

Wildbreak’s optics grew wide as his processor reeled.

“B-but you said--”

“I was joking,” Knockout said, bending down when Wildbreak tried to look down, refusing to let him look away. “But obviously it was a joke in poor taste. You don’t normally get to talk back, do you?”

Concerned crimson optics seemed to take up all of Wildbreak’s attention as his tanks felt as if they were being crushed. His vocalizer failed him, so Wildbreak just shook his helm.

Knockout frowned.

“Not too late to jump ship.”

“They’re not that bad, though. I mean, they’re my team—”

“—And if Cons are anything like what they used to be, they’ll cut down a sweet thing like you without a second thought if it benefits them.”

Wildbreak felt sick because he wanted to defend the team, or at least Dragstrip, but he couldn’t. Not when he knew deep down it was possible. Not when he could still remember how it felt to be crushed by the gravity weapon that Dragstrip had demonstrated on him without any guilt. And not when his spark ached with phantom pain that Wildbreak couldn’t actually remember ever receiving.

And not when Knockout looked at him with old pain etched into the lines of his face.

“I’ll already told you I’d think about it,” Wildbreak finally managed, “and I am. Really.”

Knockout was quiet a moment longer before, with a sigh, he removed his servo and leaned back. “Fine. But this time you’re leaving with my comm link too in case you need it.”

Wildbreak nodded and, after a moment, flopped onto his back. The stars twinkled and Wildbreak wondered if Cybertron was out in that direction. A home that had never felt much like home, never felt welcoming, never felt quite right. It had been easy to just join a group that he thought wanted him and hope it would be better than the loneliness.

Oddly, Earth had felt familiar in ways that Cybertron didn’t.

And now, even with his tanks roiling, being here next to Knockout felt like home .

“So, uh. You think I’m sweet?”

Knockout’s ventilation came out choked before a soft smile curled his lips.

“I suppose I do,” Knockout admitted, leaning back on his palms and giving Wildbreak a sideways look. “Who knew I’d find pleasant company on this dirt ball?”

Wildbreak couldn’t help grinning at that. “What about your Autobot friends?”

“Oh, don’t get me wrong, Bumblebee can be fine company. But he has some of the most obnoxious brats racing around and I think they’re rubbing off on him in the worst way. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, he lives in some human’s scrap yard!” Knockout sighed dramatically as he clucked his glossa disapprovingly. “I barely lasted a few hours there before I had to leave and immediately wash off.”

“Then why’re you here?” Wildbreak asked curiously.

Knockout hummed contemplatively as he tilted his helm back, gazing up at the stars, the moonlight reflecting off his perfect finish and highlighting the angles of his handsome face. It was easy to get lost in staring at Knockout. “Visiting an old friend,” Knockout said softly, the casualness of his tone belying the sad curl to his lips.

But it was there and gone as he turned his helm back to Wildbreak, adding, “And besides, while I can’t say I care for their company, humans are masters of crafting a gorgeous automobile. I mean look at me! You just can’t find alt-modes like this on Cybertron.”

Wildbreak sat up, grinning as he said, “Right? They look so pretty! I’ve thought about scanning something, but I don’t know what would look good on me, and nobody else on the team wanted a new scan, so it felt weird to ask, you know?”

Knockout’s optics flashed bright as a wide smirk split his face.

“Do you want to find one tonight?”

Wildbreak’s spark thundered eagerly in his chest.

“Uh, I mean, if you don’t mind.”

“Oh Wildbreak, darling,” Knockout purred as he swiftly and gracefully got to his pedes, “I can’t even begin to tell you how much I don’t mind at all. Now come on, up you get. We’ve got ourselves a trip into the city to make.”

Wildbreak stumbled a bit as he stood up, wide-opticked as he replied, “The city?”

“Of course. Ferrari is having a show there this week, so what better chance to slip in and find something that suits you,” Knockout insisted as he started walking towards the road.

“But how would we get in?”

“Come now. Don’t tell me you haven’t done a little breaking and entering before?” Knockout teased. That only had Wildbreak slack-jawed as he jogged to catch up.

“B-but you’re an Autobot! Aren’t you supposed to follow the rules?”

Knockout laughed as he finally hit asphalt and shifted into his alt-mode.

“Who said I was good at being an Autobot? Now hurry it up, we don’t have all night!”

Stunned, Wildbreak just nodded and transformed to follow Knockout. But after a few minutes of processing it all, Wildbreak felt excitement bubble up in his chassis. The sound clip of Knockout calling him darling played on repeat in the back of his processor.

“Hey, who’s Ferrari anyway?”

“I have so much to teach you, Wildbreak.”

Wildbreak couldn’t remember the last time he had had so much fun.

Breaking in had been shockingly easy, so much so that Wildbreak suspected it hadn’t been the first time that Knockout had trespassed into this particular building to check out cars. And they were in luck that the building had to have passageways large enough for cars to drive onto the main floor, so it wasn’t hard for them to get into the large room with ceilings high enough for them to stand.

And Knockout had been right. The cars were gorgeous.

They admired and discussed the cars, and now and again Knockout would pause, considering the car and then Wildbreak, before telling him to try scanning it. Some of them translated well to Wildbreak’s root mode, and some of them just left Knockout bent over snickering.

“Oh no, no no, absolutely not. Drop that scan immediately.”

Which meant that Wildbreak would pose and strut in the worst of the choices, enjoying the way that Knockout was torn between laughing and hissing over how awful they were.

Finally though, Knockout clapped his servos together and insisted, “There it is. I think we’ve found it. Go on, try it on!”

It was, in many ways, similar to Wildbreak’s cybertronian alt-mode. But it was sleeker, beautiful lines instead of aggressive angles. The little mirrors had to go, but otherwise it was gorgeous, and transforming into his root form showed that it translated well. Similar to what he had but nicer looking, both aesthetically and emotionally. It felt like a better fit.

“Almost,” Knockout said contemplatively as he circled him. Wildbreak squirmed a bit under the scrutiny. “Is the blue your natural paintjob?”

“Yeah, it is.”

“Then switch to that.”

With a flicker, Wildbreak’s plating dropped the white and red from the disguise to reveal his forged coloring with its dark blue and orange and grey.

Knockout grinned.

“Oh yes, that’s it.”

“You sure? I mean, it’s kinda dark, and the color combination is kinda weird--”

“I would never lie when it comes to looks,” Knockout interrupted as he stepped closer. Wildbreak nearly startled when Knockout’s servo grasped him by the wrist, optics trailing along the expanse of his arm. With unexpected fondness, Knockout said, “I always did love the contrast of blue and orange.”

Wildbreak’s face heated and his spark went wild.

And even Knockout seemed to react to his own admission, stiffening and dropping Wildbreak’s wrist as he stepped back.

“Well, anyway. Do you like it?”

Wildbreak looked down at his own frame again, twisting it this way and that to see as much as he could, before shrugging. “It looks good from what I can see. And if you think it looks good, I believe it.”

“You’re awfully trusting,” Knockout commented.

“I guess,” Wildbreak admitted, “but I mean, you’re easy to trust.”

Knockout blinked at him before throwing his helm back and laughing, managing between wheezes to ask if that was a joke because no one would ever say that about him.

But Wildbreak meant it.

From the very bottom of his spark, he meant it.

But Knockout still snickered as he ushered Wildbreak out of the building, insisting that they get a move on before anyone showed up.

The ride back was full of Knockout’s stories, since the moment he said that he had been Megatron’s medic at the end of the war – that he had been part of the team that battled Team Prime – Wildbreak was out of his processor with excitement.

Better yet, Knockout did impressions of the upper ranks.

They were hilarious when they were just spoken, but once the two of them had reached the fork in the road where Wildbreak was supposed to turn to go back to his team, Knockout was able to contort his face and frame too. Wildbreak was non-stop giggles when Knockout stomped around as Megatron, servos behind his back and constant sneer on his face as he waxed poetic about every little thing before howling in faux rage. And while every Decepticon from the war that Wildbreak had met had a Starscream impression, nothing could touch Knockout’s. He pranced and he preened as he waved his servos around, wiggling the tires on his back as if they were wings, and Wildbreak could feel optic cleanser welling up from how hard he laughed.

It nearly hid the fact that while there was no way that Wildbreak would have ever heard these stories before, most of them sounded oddly familiar.

“—So needless to say, my assistant and I didn’t pay Starscream a lick of attention and still went to the race--”

Other than the vehicons, Knockout’s assistant was the only figure in the stories who wasn’t named. Knockout didn’t do any impressions of him. Wildbreak would almost think Knockout thought as little about the mech as he did of the vehicons were it not for the fact that the assistant featured in nearly all his stories. A constant companion.

Wildbreak’s spark pulsed hard with every mention of him.

“Is he your friend you’re visiting?”

Knockout stopped suddenly, mouth still open as if he was ready for the next part of the story, but it didn’t come out.

Instead he asked, “What?”

“The assistant,” Wildbreak said, shifting his weight on his pedes. “Cause, I mean, it doesn’t sound like you were really friends with the rest of ‘em. But you mention him a lot.”

Knockout’s mouth closed and his expression softened from the amusement of before. Wildbreak already regretted the question, verbally stumbling over himself as he said, “I mean, you don’t gotta tell me, just forget I even asked.”

“No, it’s fine,” Knockout finally managed. His servos drifted down to his sides, lightly propped on his hips. The huff that was nearly a laugh was humorless. “I just thought I was more subtle than that. Guess not.” Another ventilation cycled through Knockout before he said, “You got it in one.”

Wildbreak’s spark raced.

“What’s his name?”

“Breakdown,” Knockout said as his lips curled into a soft, sad smile.

Wildbreak’s spark thundered.

Wildbreak swallowed as he fought to keep the pain from showing on his face. He had learned to be good at that over the years and hoped it would fool Knockout.

“Huh. Weird.”

“What’s weird about that?” Knockout asked, optics finding focus again on Wildbreak’s face.

“Nothin’,” Wildbreak replied, shifting his weight again. “Just got déjà vu or something. Maybe I met him before?”

Knockout’s smirk was joyless.

“Only place the two of you could have crossed paths was in the Allspark.”

Wildbreak’s spark thrashed.

“Oh. Well uh, then I guess it’s just ‘cause I have ‘break’ in my name then, or something,” Wildbreak reasoned, his optics now glued to the ground. “Sorry about your friend. Sounds like he was a great guy.”

“He was.”

REACH OUT. TOUCH HIM.

“You miss him?”

“I’m here, aren’t I?”

HOLD HIM. MISS HIM.

“He probably misses you too.”

The ground crunched under Knockout’s pede, one step towards Wildbreak before stopping. Wildbreak didn’t dare look up at Knockout, afraid he’d see right through him, would see the confusing turmoil between his spark’s demands and his processor’s bewilderment.

“A-anyway, I should probably get going before anyone notices I’m gone,” Wildbreak stammered as he took a step back. “But I really wanna see you again. I promise I won’t make it awkward again or anything.”

After a moment of silence, a genuinely amused ex-vent escaped Knockout and a short-wave message hit Wildbreak’s comm. It was a commlink.

“It takes more than a little bit of awkwardness to scare me off.”

When Wildbreak got to the old buildings his team called their base, he shifted back to his cybertronian form, already missing Knockout’s gift but knowing he couldn’t let the others see it. He’d have to save his earth form for the few occasions he was alone or with Knockout.

Then, as quietly as he could, Wildbreak snuck towards his usual slab and curled up with his back against the wall.

Recharge was slow to take him though because there was nothing that could quiet his processor or his spark.

Breakdown.

The name kept popping up in his processor again and again, sometimes an inquiry, sometimes a statement, but never anything that Wildbreak understood.

Wildbreak couldn’t figure out if Knockout was helping with the hole in his spark or making it that much worse.

But either way, Wildbreak knew he would see him again.

Wildbreak had to see Knockout again.

#fanfiction

[weekh]

Depression, Anxiety, and Panic Attacks

So I feel like I should tell you guys this as both my friends and followers. Lately I have been suffering from increasingly worse anxiety and panic attacks. The depression has also been getting a bit worse. Now the part that most of you don’t know is why these three things popped into my life so recently. 

Two Friday nights ago on the 13th I decided I would go drink with a few of my friends. I only intended to have one beer but that one beer turned into several. There was also a guy there whom makes me uncomfortable and a tad bit afraid. At the time though he didn’t scare me. Anyways, I had been texting another friend to make sure that I was alright and made it back to my room in my dorm safely. After drinking for a while we went back to the dorms to hang out for a while. That’s when he alcohol hit me. I could still walk/stumble at the least. I hadn’t texted my friend in a while so she began to worry and called me saying she was driving to campus. This was most likely around two in the morning. 

So I decided that I needed to go back to my room in my dorm. The guy that made me slightly uncomfortable at the time told me to just sleep in the room I was in which was the dorm room he shared with the two other people I went drinking with. I told him I needed to go back and tried to leave. He then followed the stumbling me out of the room and grabbed my arm. He said that I should take some time to sober up. By that time the friend that I had been texting called several times to tell me that she was waiting in her car outside of my dorm. Now here is the part of the story where the guys began to make me lie to her about where I was. He had a hold of my arm and wouldn’t let go. He insisted that I was just digging myself into an even deeper hole and made me tell her that I was in my dorm. He then took my phone away from me. I then somehow made it to the laundry room bathroom and puked. From there it gets fuzzy. The guy took me into the laundry room and told me to sleep. I was too out of it to disagree so I just slept.

While this was going on my friend was in an ever increasing state of panic. After a while she called the RA from my dorm and the RA from another dorm and began searching for me in my dorm. they searched the entire dorm and searched several others before searching the one I was in. Before searching that one though they called the head of housing to help in the search. Him and one of the others found me and then asked me several questions that I don’t remember. They then helped me to my room. 

Now since then just the thought of encountering this guy or talking to him again sends me into a panic and my anxiety spikes.  I can’t eat properly, I don’t feel safe in my dorm, and the number of times I feel like doing something horrible has gone up. All because he essentially held me hostage, forced me to lie about where I was to my friend, and wanted me to stay in his room. 

That is all. Sorry about the long post.

#personal #long post #I've lost so much weight over this

[bmyselfandi-blog]

mom

there was a time in my life where the hardest thing i was going through was a high school breakup. i thought the world was ending, that id never experience a worse heartbreak than that one. i got over it and went back to the guy a few times. it was on and off. that was the beginning of my junior year, around september. come april 21st i received the worst news i could have handled at the time. my mom was diagnosed with cancer. now she never really told us, well at least me, she never told me the stage of the cancer. but it was rectal. they tell you not to look up that kind of shit because it will scare you but me, i dont listen when told not to do something. now, i probably should have, it scared me what i found, but also gave me hope. it said curable. they said long life span. so, in my mind it was all going to be okay. my dad took it very hard. i poften found him crying alone, and i cried too. we all did. my mom was the type of person to help anyone in need, she was amazing, loving, wonderful, generous, warm, any fucking word to describe an angel, that was fucking her. still is. anyways fast forward about a year, end of my senior year. i start dating this new guy, hes amazing, he gave me the world. i couldnt have asked for a better man. stuck by my side through some fucked up shit that was my fault. we had our fights, like every couple. he did some things that i didnt like but i pushed past it because i loved him. thats what couples do right? well, not even a year later i spent less time with my family, more time with him and his. i regret that every day of my life. ill never forget the first day of my new job my dad made me cry because he told me my mom thought id rather spend time with my boyfriends mom than her. i balled my eyes out on my way to work. i never wanted to hurt my moms feelings like that. she couldnt do much, she was weak and it was getting harder for her to do everyday things. that was november. come march 25. it was a saturday. my mom was sitting in her spot on the couch and my dad was downstairs on the computer. i dont remember my sister being home. my mom asked me to look at her eyes and tell me what color the whites were, they were yellow. that meant jaundice. i told my dad, we told her she needed to go to the hospital. she said she didnt feel well and didnt want to go that day and if she wasnt feeling any better shed go the next day. i didnt think too much about it, this wouldnt be the first hospital trip that month or let alone that year. sunday; i went to my boyfriends to hangout and have dinner. after dinner my dad told and said they were going to the hospital. we then drove up to meet them. they took my mom in the back, i went back with her as did everyone else. the crazy thing is, is i dont remember all too much. i remember being back h=there, them asking her certain questions that made me sad, like if she was sad, depressed, thinking about dying. i brought her up some things when we went, i had this pair of ankle fuzzy sicks that i gave to her, she asked me to put them on her feet, i remember there being a hole in the big toe, she thought it was funny. it got later, they ended up admitting her but were trying to find a room. my dad had to work the next morning and i hadnt started my new job so i told him i would stay with her that night so she wasnt alone. they had a room in the pediatric ward so they sent us up. there were two cribs, a bed and a couple chairs in the room. i slept in the chair that turned into a bed. the nurses were very nice. we got some rest after being moved up there. it was very late, almost 4am. the next morning my uncle was up there and my dad came soon after as well. days went by, i started my new job, id go up as soon as i got off to go and see her. she got worse each day but we didnt think anything of it. turns out the tumor was actually starting to quickly crush her liver. she started not being able to talk well. they eventually put her on a heavy breathing treatment. she stopped talking and responding. my dad asked a timeline and the doctor said he didnt like to put timelines. i thought she would get better. they had my dad sign a DNR, we werent going to make her suffer if she didnt have to. it was selfish of us to want her to stay with how much pain i knew she was in. we had family up there always. april 4th. it was a wednesday. by now they had put my mom into hospice care, we had the option of bringing her home but we didnt want to make her uncomfortable by moving her. they gave us the whole room we were in. 315 bed B. we had people come and talk to us about urns and getting things like that. a hospice worker told us that their phone line was always available to talk on, whether it was a week later or a year later. i didnt have workbthat day. i went up to the hospital early. my moms cousin Colleen was there. my boyfriend came up as well. my dad my sister and her cousin kim came up as well. we hung out all day. i told colleen i probably wouldnt end up going to this festival i had in may because i wanted to be there everyday for my mom. colleen said that was almost 2 months away and that my mom may not be here by then. i didnt want to think about that. my mom would always be here right? that night me and my boyfriend ordered chinese. we were going to pick it up but they had delivery. we were also supposed to go to the store but we decided not to for some reason i dont remember. we ate our nasty chinese food. i got shrimp and lobster sauce, my moms favorite. we were all sitting aruond talking. my dad had ran home to let the dogs out since no one had been home in a while. anytime he would leave the room for anything longer than a half hour he would hug my mom and tell her to wait for him. he left. he got to the house. he let the dogs house. we were sitting there when my boyfriend looked over at my mom. her eyes were open. they hadnt been open in days. we instantly went over to her. her cousin got the nurse. me and my sister held her hand. i called my dad crying. all i could muster out was the word “hurry” and the pain in his voice when he said “okay” was enough to break anyones heart. the nurses knew. we all knew. i held my moms hand crying. my boyfriend rubbed my back. i told her i loved her. my sister told her she loved her. kim consoled her. we knew her fight was over. kim closed my moms eyes and like that she was gone. it was 10:15. we had to wait for a doctor to pronounce time of death. time of death was 10:25. my dad got there, tears in his eyes. we called family to tell them. his best friend was up in a heartbeat. his brother came up. i called my best friends. sarah and her boyfriend were up within minutes. my boyfriend held me. everyone cried. my dad hugged me and my sister so tight. the nurses were wonderful and sweet. it was probably 3 something in the morning when we left. i said my final goodbyes and told her i loved her. how could i just leave my mom in this room all alone? i couldnt handle it. i drove home with my boyfriend and let my dad drive alone. i dont know why i did that. i should have went with him. we got home and i couldnt tell you anything after that. i dont remember much about the days that followed. i know the next day we had to make phone calls to change things into our names and take my moms off. we received lots of “im so sorry for you loss”’s. it got sickening. we got flowers, cards, food. my boyfriends family was so helpful. i took that friday off of work and went back monday. got a lot of sorrys there too. her memorial was friday the 13th. i worked that morning. i shouldnt have but i had to go on like normal. how do you just go on like normal? how do you just up and live without your best friend, your fucking mother? she was supposed to be there through everything. she was supposed to live a long happy life with my dad. she was supposed to watch me get married and watch my have her grandchildren. she was supposed to be free of cancer and get better and live happy and healthy. she wasnt supposed to die. she should still fucking be here today. but shes not. months later, not even a year. my boyfriend and i broke up. just shy of a year since her passing, march 2nd. my friend and i had a run in with my ex. she flipped him off while we were driving. he followed us to the gas station and cussed us out. later that night he posted a story on his snapchat. black screen with the words “ your mother would be ashamed of you” written on it. directed towards me. how dare he say that shit. how could the same man that held me while i held my dying mothers hand say some dumb fucking shit like that to me? i dont quite get how he could ever in a million years say that shit. she was liuke amother to him. he was there through everything we dealt with, all the grieving, the sadness and depression in my house. but what bothers me is how a few months later we were getting back together. and how i could forgive him for saying that. i never did forgive him and i dont think i ever will. he said he posted it to hurt me because he was hurt. but how could he stoop that low. later on he brought her up again when he wanted me to stop smoking. “ how would mom feel” i tried kicking him out, ive never yelled at him before until that night, i got in his face and screamed not to talk about my dead mom. he didnt again. we stopped talking about a month later and havent talked since. he never understood what i was going through. what i am going through. i cry a lot. i miss my mom everyday. i think about her every hour of the day. my dad texts her almost every day. he posts on her facebook sometimes. i text her sometimes. i call too to see if someone new has her number. its still disconnected. i dont want someone new to have her number. thats her fucking number. no one elses. i still dont feel like this is all real and here its been a year and a half. christmas is coming up. her birthday is christmas eve. it was her favorite time of the year. we held the party at our house very year for anyone who wanted to come. it was always a full house. everyone loved my mom, she was an amazing person. a family friends words describing my mother to someone were “she had to adjust her halo when walking into a room” and thats always been true. even now, im sure she visits often. i wish so bad that she could be here, that she could see how everything is going. i miss her so fucking much and i just want my fucking mom back. i know everything in life would be okay if she was here. i know it would solve every problem me and my family have if she was just fucking here. she should be here. she should fucking be here right now. 

[brittneybb1988-blog]

Fuck boi. Installment 1

It’s 3:07am. On a cold Wednesday night. Hump day was our thing. We humped on hump day ( now that I think about it ...once) and you made that joke to me... after of course and I think that’s when I fell a little bit more in like with you.

I am laying here wide awake. Unable to stop my self from thinking about you.

Wondering if you are thinking of me too.

But of course you aren’t. You are cuddled up with her. I am sure you haven’t even given me a second thought. You sun of a mothering fucking beach. You lied. You lied to me... and I believed you. Hung on your every word. Felt sorry for you. I feel like such an idiot.

Anyway , it’s 3:11am now. I should stop thinking about you. Because you sure as Shit aren’t thinking about me. There’s no possible way you could have ever cared for me ... or “respected” me as you once said.

People who care about other people... don’t do what you did.

There are three sides to every story. I only have mine. And I have to tell it. Because it’s eating me up inside that I got tricked sooooo badly. I know some of you reading this are thinking “same” and I wish you weren’t.

Here’s my story of the ultimate fuck boi. The one... you know the one. The one who played you for a fool. The one who made you feel like the only girl in the world. And then for some reason... left you standing alone... crying by your car on Friday the 13th. The one who made you feel bad for him AS HE WAS BREAKING UP WITH YOU!

Who the fuck does that?

It’s 3:16am now. This is helping me feel better. I feel like I need to vent this. Share it with the world. And I need to do it in just the right way. It’s hard to let someone know just how much they hurt you. But I’ll never tell anyone ( except all of you ) how bad this one got me. Where to start this story? “Of the two week fling” “ just forget about me” fuuuuuck you. (Those are things he has said after the fact) like whoa Bro don’t tell me how to feel 😂 I wish I could just let this go. Why can’t I just Elsa it and let this mothering fucking all of it go? I’ll tell you why, cause I was a fool. I feel slighted and taken advantage of.

Also never ever date anyone at work. Sure some people get married to their co workers but you have to remember.... they are the exception not the rule. And honey... I am the rule.

I decided to quit my job of five years. A week before my 5 year anniversary. I had loved my job. Still love my old co workers to death. They are amazing and I only stayed as long as I did because I loved them. I just woke up one day and said I hate my life. I applied for 17 jobs that day. The first one to call... was an hour and a half after I applied. I had my little phone interview... face to face the next day. I was offered the job Thursday of that week. I applied Monday . Quick turn around!

I wasn’t sure I’d go through with it. Leaving my cozy job I hated making lots of money for a chance at something new. With less pay. I kind of regret this choice now. But mostly, I am grateful I did it. My new job has a lot of pluses. And mostly I am happy. I know I promised you a story about a fuck boi... I am getting there . You have to know where it started. And I’d like to think... it started when I put my 2 week notice in on my five year anniversary. And quit my old job. Out with the old Britney... in with the new.

How weird to care about a job again? It had been easily 2 years since I gave a rats ass about my job. That’s a long time. A long time. I still miss it sometimes. I mean it was only 4 months ago. I guess I do have feelings. I care a lot . I just try to hide it. I have a terrible fear of being vulnerable. That’s a whole other story though.

I started my new job July 10th . After some encouraging words from an old boss/ fling. He always has had my best interests at heart. Which is endearing and sweet baby Jesus am I glad he got promoted shortly after I took the position. It was nice to see him but holy crazy. Again, that’s another story. ( are you seeing a trend? Maybe it’s me that’s crazy! I’ll tell this story and you can be the judge)

So I start the new job. I decided I’d create a new persona. Super nice and forgiving And I’d wear dresses and makeup everyday. Really try for this new job. And I did. Still do. Training for this new job was 90 days. Three months . Three long months. I vowed not to date anyone at work early into training. I’d done that before... it never works out. Maybe it’s me.

Then one day... I’d say like my third week of training... I saw him. Sitting on the other side of the call center. Tall , semi handsome and you know what? I won’t lie to you... I fell in that moment. I fell hard for this bearded stranger. He was physically everything I’d ever wanted in a man. Nice smile, easy on the eyes and wearing a Deadpool shirt with tacos on it. My dream guy . I wish I could take the moment back. I wish so so much I could take it all back. But I can’t.

This hurts more writing it then I thought it would. I feel so vulnerable. And if he ever reads this... I think it would make it worse. But he’s not really into this style of writing so I think I am safe? Fuck it. I get to tell my side. For me. No one owns me. No one gets to down play my feelings. Not even you.

It’s now 3:41am. I am currently trying to get my self back together. No one really knows how bad this rocked me. I am always the tough girl. But this one really hurt. And it hasn’t stopped hurting. I am doing what I always do. Fake it til you make it. And it was working. It really was. Until the latest little update in this saga. And now it feels like I have been hurt all over again. As I write this... I seriously wonder if anyone gives a flying fuck about this. About me. About my story. I’ll never let anyone read this... so we will never know.

Anyway. Back to the day that ruined my life. It’s 3:44am now. I’ll write until 4am and then I like have to go to bed.

I saw him. Made eye contact and I Shit you not... I fell in love right there. Right on the spot. I know Love is a strong word. For only knowing someone such a short time. But I loved him. In that moment. And for a while after.

Any way... after the eye contact. I tried to avoid him. It was the first time I’d seen him... how hard could it be? Answer : very hard. I started seeing him everywhere. Out side... walking by my desk. I thought it was all a coincidence... I found out later I was wrong. So wrong.

It took me a long time to say hi. He’d say hi... I’d not reply. Then one day... I told him I liked his shirt. A few weeks later... I sat at his desk in training. And I looked through his stuff. Because I am nosey as fuck. And I ran into him outside later that day... and told him I looked through his stuff. And that I liked his hat. He then gifted me this hat. ( which has since been gifted to my best friends child because fuck that noise. Thanks for ruining Pikachu for me, you dirty lying cunt)

Update ... it’s 350am. I am getting tired. I wonder if I should like post this somewhere? Or if I should just close my eyes and go to sleep. Pray the lord my soul to keep. Do re mi so fucking done with you girl! Lol

Where does one ever post this? Nah can’t post it. One person reads this that I know... and they will know it’s me. I can’t lie or hide very well. Even if it’s all name changed. Fuck it. Maybe they won’t. Maybe they will. What’s going to make me feel better? All this inner monologue. I sound crazy as fuck right now. *giggle* maybe I am.

Fuck it. Let’s post it. If anyone thinks I should keep going... with the story. I will. Fuck it . I will anyway .

Here goes nothing.

[rueur]

Morning Pages #19 (25.01.2016)

Wednesday 25th Jan - 7:35 a.m.

So Ikaros came over yesterday, from about 3 till maybe 7. He had just come from seeing Jacob and a friend of his. They have this social tactic where they just approach girls on the street and talk to them, trying to pick them up or make friends. Jacob invited Ikaros to try that out, and Ikaros quite definitely did not because it sounded very very weird to him, and also a little out of line. Of course, a lot of the people Jacob and his mate talked to didn’t want to be approached by a random person on the street because that’s how most people tend to be on any given day. Especially in the city, I mean you have your guard up around men in the city because everyone’s in such close proximity. Anyway, I think this taste of the urban single life got Ikaros in a bit of a sorry state, because he decided to get curry tofu and then hop on the train and come and see me. I met him at Northcote station where we shared an intensely passionate kiss on the railings of the path leading from platform two to platform one, the place that flooded (or floods). He lifted me up and just kissed me, held me, for a very long time. When he finally let go, I realised that my earphones had snapped in my iPod and were irreparably damaged. Sweet, but such is the price of love.

He gave me a piggy-back down three streets just because he felt like it, and also maybe because he wanted to show me what he’s capable of now that he’s been going to the gym. I will say he’s gotten stronger, fitter, and he’s looking really well. Really fine. Goodness, if he weren’t such a dickhead, he’d literally be my perfect partner. In a perfect world, I’d just marry him. I would, in a heartbeat.

We had a conversation I’ve lately only mostly been having with myself today. I told him that during my writing of these pages, I’ve come to realise that we’re not going to end up together, and if we do try to end up together, it’ll implode and we won’t even be in each other’s lives anymore. And I didn’t want that. I want him to be happy, and I don’t want to hold him back. And I want myself to be happy too, and vice versa. So, I told him that what I wanted from him was an ‘open break-up’, in the sense that we’d still get to see each other; we’d still get to hang-out, maybe even have sex, we’d still get to talk, we’d be in each other’s lives because we love each other. We just won’t hold each other back by shackling ourselves to each other, because even if it is willingly now, there are certain aspects of our relationship that will overtake or overpower our love in the near future. I told him that I needed to be with somebody who could support me as a writer, who could let me know that what I’m doing is good so that I can drown out all the professional rejection I am yet to experience. And I didn’t say this to him, but I secretly thought that he needed somebody who wouldn’t ever belittle him for not being a confident reader. See, I thought that would be me. I thought that the fact that he couldn’t read my work would be a good thing, because I could write about him. It occurred to me over the past few days that I will need somebody to critique me who loves me, not just strangers. Ikaros has never given me adequate feedback, because he and the written word don’t get along. However, he is still an immensely interesting subject and I am going to write so much about him. I’m going to write about him all the time.

What happened when he came over was I tried on my new dresses for him and he isolated the blue one as his favourite. We had very passionate non-penetrative sex (at his request, I sat on his face), had a shower together, got fish and chips at the Northcote Fish and Chippery, and some beers from IGA, and then came back to the apartment and watched The I.T. Crowd. I let him try some of my mango and toasted coconut ice cream, and then I walked him back to the station. We’ve made a date to go to Gong De Lin on Sunday, the day after my show runs.

It’s 7:49 a.m. now and I am roaring through these morning pages. I think I’m finally feeling good about writing these at a rapid pace, because I’ve stopped having to write hard truths, or write things that I’m secretly ashamed of. I still haven’t told Ikaros that I’d already seen Evan before all this had happened. As far as he knows, I haven’t seen Evan since I met Evan on Friday the 13th. I think it won’t be of any issue, however, from this point onwards. But I am a little worried about Evan asking me about Ikaros, not that I should be though. I’ll just say he’s my ex, and that we had a good relationship but foresaw a very inevitable eventual end, so we just nipped it in the bud so that we could stay friends. Ikaros is most definitely one of the most important people in my life, and I don’t see that changing any time soon. Of course, anything could happen. I don’t see Marcus that often anymore, but I still love him from afar. Malith is most definitely my best friend. I could still end up marrying Ikaros, growing old with him, once we’ve achieved everything we’ve set out to achieve. Anything can happen.

I posted three photos on Facebook last night, after he left. The first one was of one I took during this peculiar day he spent at mine, where he just decided to hide under the bed in mock terror of me. I captioned it ‘ded’. The other two photos were taken on the train this day I went to the beach with Isaac and he went out to meet Melike: 12th of December, 2016. I captioned it ‘thanks for tolerating//matching my boundless ‘sass’’. My brother liked it. I feel really good about everything that’s been happening in my life right now. I just hope that Evan doesn’t feel threatened by Ikaros’ web presence on my Facebook. I feel like the main reason I waited so long to add him was because of Ikaros. It’s not that it’s complicated between Ikaros and I, it’s just that it’s complicated to anyone outside of us. I’m fairly certain Nick and Lucas are also really curious about how close Ikaros and I still are. I don’t know, to be honest I don’t even care what they think. I care what Evan thinks though. I really really like him, and I just feel like we could really have something. Not that I’m looking for something else right away. I don’t know! I’m a firm believer in the idea that you meet people and you learn things the MINUTE you’re supposed to, and for cosmic reasons that have all been predetermined, prewritten, predestined.

I was talking to Lauren about this the day I first met her, in the Royal Botanic Gardens. She was talking about the idea of free will in relation to determinism, and I felt like it aligned fairly well with my own beliefs regarding the set path of human life: faith in fate. I also told her about my ideas regarding soul mates, and how sometimes people are meant to meet each other, for either romantic or platonic reasons. You just have something to gain and something to give that will aid in both your personal growth. I feel like I was destined to meet and fall in love with Ikaros, and that that love would grant me things I wouldn’t have otherwise found at my young age: self-confidence, and the principles of self-love. I feel like if I hadn’t met Ikaros, I’d have let myself be walked all over professionally for a long time to come, maybe even into my mid-thirties. But Ikaros has taught me the power of determination and tenacity. He’s also taught me about the benefits of light-heartedness. This was such an easy relationship to be in. We were kids, we were having fun, hell we ARE having fun. This relationship, like him, has been incredibly hedonistic and in that way, it’s been pure. We had few roadblocks and so we were able to love deeply, and I got to experience what that is like without watching it die away, although it did falter from late October till maybe early January.

I’m actually nearly done with my morning pages for the day. I think I’ve only got about half a page left to go, which is ideal because it’s six minutes past eight and I should feed the cats before 8:30 a.m., and I’m fairly certain I’ll be able to do that. I think that this morning, I would like to have some of the canned spaghetti for breakfast, with some chickpeas? Ikaros used to make me that sometimes. He’d get canned spaghetti or baked beans, heat them up on the stove. I’d put some bread in the toaster, and maybe fry up some eggs if we had time, and then we’d put it all on a plate and eat with a knife and fork. He always made me crack eggs for him because he was very unconfident with them. I thought for ages that he just couldn’t do it, but honestly he just wanted me to do it for him. It’s like the way he wants me to check his back for pimples, or brush his hair: it just makes him feel loved.

That’s another thing I’ve learnt from him, is how to let your partner know that they’re needed. He made me feel so loved and needed, it was actually quite lovely to feel indispensable, even if it is an illusion. I’ve always been a little bad at that; I’ve always felt the need to be self-reliant. Looking back on this break-up and how I ‘pioneered’ it as the most practical step for us, even that seems like a desperate plot for me to prove myself to be self-reliant. I love being in a relationship though. I love giving my time to another person and having them appreciate that. I love supporting somebody, emotionally and spiritually and sexually. I love the idea of spending the rest of your life with a kindred spirit, inhabiting a shared space with them and building an idyllic future for yourselves together. I just really love being in love, and I am really good at it. I just know that when the time comes, I’ll get to experience all of this with the right person. And when things get hard, this person will stick by me and I will stick by them. And it won’t seem that hard at all.

#19 #25.01.2016 #breakup #morning pages