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caramelmochacrow · 9 months

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i haven't talked abt my d4 headcanons for a while so it's time to change that! (this is random. like. very random there are no specifics.) also it's fine if u dont headcanon anything i headcanon of course lol, im not saying everyone should headcanon the ones i have.

(i made it long. i ramble and go off rails for a bit. apologies. cutting it.)

so. dalia half filo headcanon time!!!

dalia's mother is filipino while her father is japanese. she has one uncle and one aunt who r also filo, with dalia's mother being the youngest. her mother and siblings were born and raised in pampanga, her grandmother is from ilocos, (im not sure on ilocos norte or ilocos sur so im just saying ilocos.) and one of her great-grandparents was from around visayas or mindanao (they have no idea bc dalia's mother moved to japan at a young age bc of her grandfather needing a better job and general work environment. dalia's uncle and aunt moved back to the philippines when they were older but dalia's mother stayed in japan bc they're more connected to the philippines than her but they still keep contact.

the way they keep contact is by giving gifts. a lot of gifts. and also phone calls. when dalia and her brother (i havent made up a name for him but i will soon) were born, their gift giving doubled. they gifted them a few stuff from the philippines like a maria clara gown (that was originally from dalia's grandmother), a barong (that was originally dalia's uncle's), and a few vhs tapes and videos of their mother dancing tinikling, carinosa, and other filipino folk dances.

dalia's mother met her father and fell in love. since her husband is a chef, her siblings sent many many recipes of food their mother made when they were younger. dalia's mother also made sure that they knew their filipino food so she and her husband made sure they knew it as well.

dalia fell in love w dancing bc of her mother's old videos of her dancing. her mother let her learn those dances she knew as a child because it was like she was back at the philippines again. (and also bc she wants dalia to know that side of herself more) dalia's brother also got interested in cooking bc of their father so he started following that path.

bc of this, dalia and her brother know three languages: japanese, tagalog and english. they know japanese and tagalog more compared to english though. reason for knowing english is because in the philippines, they (in my experience, anyway) only teach japanese and other languages in international or expensive schools and dalia's mother and siblings would not be able to go to that type of school. but! in public schools or cheaper schools (depending on how u see it idk) they mostly teach u english and tagalog together. so her mother would know english and tagalog then soon needed to learn japanese.

so. um. enough abt dalia!!! onto my next d4 headcanon ramble!!!!!

trans girl shinobu. i havent thought of this much like i did w dalia but it still means a lot to me even as a transguy. (still not used to saying that lol) it's gonna be explained when i ramble. im a closeted transguy. so why would i headcanon shinobu, someone i draw in mostly masc clothes, transfem instead of transmasc? bc to me it's like. "hey! look! this transgirl can wear masc clothes and is still a woman, so a transguy wearing fem clothes is still a man!" so it comforts me.

also bc why not? nothing is stopping me, people in this fandom love hearing me talk abt my headcanons -- hopefully -- and they arent going to argue and make long ass thread on me or my art and why it's wrong.

anyway, enough abt myself, onto the "lore" thing or whatever to call this. shinobu is not on hrt yet, but was on puberty blockers when she was in middle school. (im not sure on what age ur allowed hrt in japan so...) and did voice training. her family and peaky pkey are the only ones who knows she's trans and she's VERY private abt her transness. when kyoko asked her abt voice training when she didn't know her much she got very scared and told her she didn't know. she wears hoodies bc it hides the fact she's flat chested. she doesnt wear tight shirts either, only when she's home. dennojo and all her relatives support her greatly and make sure she's comfortable w herself as much as possible.

kyoko, esora and yuka were confused at first why shinobu would just. not dress up w them and stuff but after she told them why, they simply smiled and said it was fine. the three of them make sure shinobu is comfortable whenever she's changing in gym and also make sure no one is looking at her. they do a little wall thing. ough theyre just. very supported of her ok?

that's all i got for shinobu. if i continued it would be super long so im stopping and going to continue ramble on abt something else.

merm4id has heart accesories that are meant to match w each other. idc what u say. rika has a heart-shaped sunglasses, marika has a bracelet w heart beads, dalia has heart earrings and saori has a heart pendant she can open that has the pictures of rika, marika and dalia. they all love each other so much <3

touched on this in my bday fic, but aoi has two crow plushies named lucifer and hesperus. lucifer is a very light orange-colored crow with dark brown eyes while hesperus is a dark blue one w yellow or orange eyes. she got lucifer first when she was ten and has been with her ever since. he's full of stitches and stuff bc of how old he is. hesperus, on the other hand, is very clean. he doesnt have stitches yet. to her, lucifer was her first friend. he comforted her when she was at her lowest. tsubaki, nagisa and hiiro didnt know she had lucifer until side origin and they love him dearly. then at her birthday, tsubaki gifted hesperus to her.

all of them like to think theyre rondo's mascot even tho theyre the only ones who know abt them. hiiro likes making little outfits for them and nagisa likes making accesories. also nagisa jokes a lot abt how hesperus and lucifer are like tsubaki and aoi's sons, which tsubaki does not (she secretly does) like and aoi just chuckles and agrees. tsubaki is especially attached to hesperus bc she bought the little guy. that's her little thing. aoi sends in silly pictures of them in the silly outfits hiiro made for them to the rondo gc. tsubaki treasures them deeply and nagisa likes showing it to shinobu w no context.

noa is a very normal (she isnt) fan of takarazuka revues (bc she has the same voice as junna) and she tries to get towa into it. towa half heartedly watches the plays for noa's sake and she's just kinda happy that noa wants to share something she likes w her. noa rambles A LOT on what some things might mean and represent in the plays and towa tries to add what she thinks whenever noa rambles. she also tries to get ibuki and saki into it and she semi-succeeded, but towa is the one who keeps up w her normalness abt plays. they also talk abt how cute some musumeyaku and otokoyaku are bc of course.

aaaaaand that's all i got. this isnt much headcanons but i think some of the details i put compensate for that lol. hope u enjoyed seeing my headcanons? idk.

#crow talks #d4dj #d4dj groovy mix #dalia matsuyama #(not tagging rika marika and saori but i am tagging)#polym4id #shinobu inuyose #aoi miyake #tsubaoi #<- yes im tagging this shush.#noa fukushima #towa hanamaki #towanoa #i honestly loooove talking abt my headcanons but i dont want to do it much bc i might annoy people lol

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kenonade · 3 months

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stella maris reading log #1

its about damn time i start noting down how i feel when i read what i read. hell yeah. hopefully this makes me a better writer.

spoilers not really about the plot (bc honestly is there even a plot in the sense of a plot) but more about the language below the cut woooooo

tldr: book cool. writing insane. wtf. wtf. wtf. head ouchie. 越级打怪的后果就是头晕脑转 (dizziness is the consequence of attempting to read beyond my level). ooga booga man talk abt english

reading stella maris is so interesting because im just sitting here wondering like. how the FUCK did mccarthy accumulate all this knowledge about a variety of very distinct fields. my brain hurts. this is so much information. im learning nothing and learning everything at the same time. how the man managed to learn all this stuff and how he managed to put it together like this puzzle me equally intensely. its one thing to acquire knowledge. its a whole other thing to convey it in language so dense with information but also character. like, not to be that guy, but when osc does his infodumps i think to myself okay old man lets get you to bed. every time alicia opens her mouth i confront my intellectual inferiority and contemplate the meaning of life because it is alicia talking.

not to mention what the FUCK alicia. if only you’d have KNOWN. EUGH. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT.

my head hurts. the reason why im writing instead of reading is because ive already reached my reading breaking point where my eyes glaze over and the words go in one and out the other. its only been two hours. difficult language i can handle fine, verbosity is fine, i inhaled the ender stuff and only took breaks when osc pissed me off, but stella maris is information overload in a way that i’ve never experienced before. im like, texting three separate people all the time. oh i should vet this w my math guy. i need to show this to my psych classmate. this has to go to my orthopedics bestie.

i started this book saw the page number and went oh sure. its half the length of the passenger. the style means that it’ll contain less words overall too. i should be able to finish this on a three hour hsr ride. WRONG. i CANT. it’s TOO DIFFICULT. im running into roadblocks very similar to what i felt when i read the passenger: dont know place/name/context/big word. except im finding stella maris to be even more difficult because unlike some nautical jargon or random place in the midwestern usa that i can just look up, i cant. i think its impossible to even begin to comprehend all this math.

that’s definitely part of the charm of stella maris. the format of audio transcripts creates a much more intimate connection between the characters and the reader. the target demographic of this novel, though niche, is definitely not as niche as to comprise only of genius mathematicians with a burning passion for music and a hatred of psychology. the reader might be a master in one of these fields, but alicia outsmarts them in it along with all others. viewed through this lens, the reader is the doctor. the reader is the one who converses with alicia, trying their best to piece together a mind that is so extraordinarily genius and extraordinarily tormented. it’s a position of emotional significance. the reader sits through these audio recordings because they want to understand alicia. and to understand alicia is to love her. (this is a certified when i truly understand my enemy i love him moment)

all of that sits in stark contrast to western’s narration in the passenger.

i wrote an entire paragraph but tumblr fucking ate it. im pissed. its ok. for love i’ll write it again.

western’s narration is detached. it’s impersonal. mccarthy’s clinical and direct use of language alienates the viewer and prevents the formation of any sincere rapport, allowing only mild sympathy for western’s continued suffering. the reader is merely an observer, piecing together the life of a strange, curious creature through inference and deduction. nor is the reader meant to empathize with him. he’s the one who chose to abandon alicia, the one reckless enough to chose race car driving over his degree, and therefore the one who shoulders alone the responsibility of alicia’s death—or so he thinks. in a sense, because western is comparatively lucid, the detached narration becomes almost a punishment for the guilt he’s assigned to himself. he’s not the one in the mental asylum, afterall.

its interesting to me how mccarthy presents this duo to the audience. i have many Thoughts on alicia’s sexuality and stuff but i should finish the book before i synthesize those thoughts. anyway. thanks for reading 👍

#stella maris #cormac mccarthy #kenon.notes #honestly i think at this point i should start a book blogging tag #hm #kenon.reads #it’s cringe but it will suffice #ok this turned into a thing about #the passenger #also #book reading #english #?????????#how do you tag this stuff #idk

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cavehags · 1 year

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bear w/ me bc i have been defending my choice to watch s1 to ppl all day and like…. i think the characters felt like people? like ted yelled at people (nate & jamie) everything was a clusterfuck and it felt… real? and now maybe two characters feel like real people, the rest are NPCs with weird dialogue. we have “main characters” and i couldn’t tell you what any of their storylines were at this point. what is ted even doing. everything is unmoored in a bad way

totally - i think s1 was really well constructed and mature and, as you said, invested in developing its characters as flawed and complicated people who are struggling to express and communicate and find support. roy and rebecca's arcs were fantastic in season one and it's sad to discover that those were the best their arcs are going to get... s1 roy was this genuinely tragic figure, a career athlete facing the end of his life as he's always known it and very nearly suicidally depressed over the thought of it coming to an end. opening his heart to keeley and to ted's coaching philosophy is the first time he's dared to crack himself open in a very, very long time. and s1 rebecca was so magnetic and fascinating, newly divorced and bitter as hell about the wasted years, trying to define herself by how she'll get revenge on her ex without realizing what a wonderful opportunity she has to add new connections and challenges to her life. those are good fucking stories! dark and heavy with the promise of hope. then add to that how pleasantly surprised i was by keeley and rebecca's friendship, how they help each other out by sharing the wisdom of their respective generations. and, yes, the foil relationship between roy and jamie felt fresh and exciting. i loved how the show wasn't precious with its characters - it let them fuck up - and it balanced comedy and drama well in those blissfully short episodes. using sports as the easiest metaphor in the world for success and failure, it got to the heart of these characters without ever feeling like it was trying to do too much.

unfortunately, since the second half of s2, it seems to me it's really been struggling to keep the focus on those small and personal stories. this season is worst of all because you can just tell the scripts are burdened by the pressure the writers are under to meet expectations for the conclusion now that the show is a monster hit. expanding the cast and allowing episodes to bloat to an hour just gets the show further away from those tight, intimate stories. and with the more scattered focus, the characters are becoming less themselves. roy has had zero arc this season and his reasons for his breakup with keeley - the most important thing to happen to him in two seasons - have only ever been implied. the lines that are coming out of his mouth are getting more and more shock-value disturbing, and while i think everyone has always enjoyed roy's violence, that was because its impact was tempered by how kind he was, too - he was a teddy bear with a gruff voice. this season, it feels like we haven't seen him do much but threaten to break into people's homes and beat them with a rope. i miss my guy :( and same goes for rebecca, whose fixation on this psychic feels like borderline bimbofication. why are we not advancing a meaningful story for her organically? why do we have to teach her a lesson about believing in fantasy? does it have to involve the promise of a husband and a baby? for a million reasons, i feel like the show has totally lost its way, and maybe these next four episodes will make me feel better about it but for now i miss the simple good writing of season one. fucking rip :(

#soccer show posting

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shopcat · 2 years

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im actually really curious/interested could you explain why you think eddie wouldn't be a metalhead if he was alive today?? this stuff is rly interesting

EEK okay i can TRY but i am very bad at putting my thoughts to words and also its just my opinion and im special.

eddie doesnt just like a certain genre of music hes a part of a actually like very (comparatively) specific subculture.

to ME with the knowledge i have on OTHER alternative subcultures and being involved myself i think the biggest parts of being a metalhead that eddie likes/are reflected in his character are actually the direct influences of punk (which obviously loaned a lot/took influences from each other especially during the 70s/80s) lol i just basically think hes a heavymetal punk, i think he would identify with any alternative scene he happened upon and he just happened upon heavy metal because it was 1986.

there is also the like unfortunate truth that like whilst with any subculture there are bad sides that again, TO ME, the classic metalhead community of old are comparatively very stuck in their ways & ironically and hypocritically take the quintessential "no poser" attitude to the extreme whilst refusing to acknowledge how swamped w the alt right and RIDDLED with predators they are. there is a reason people in 2022 don't like or TRUST a vast majority of metalheads and of course these problems r also a thing in every scene and including the punk one but metal is just a very particular specific subculture of the white male working class who tend to fall into these things... easier.

half of the discography eddie canonically listens to each have mile long lists of allegations ranging from sexual abuse to alt right tendencies and politics, and i personally believe these things don't mesh with EDDIE'S identity and sensitivities. i think he would HATE a vast majority of metalheads lol

anyway a large part of eddie's character is to be against the grain, The PROUD Freak, the below the poverty line nephew of a middle class worker who lives in a trailer park. he diys his clothes, his showmanship & general attitude and EVEN smoking weed and being the highschool dealer are PUNK dude... he likes the FLARE of metal, he likes having the long hair and the clothes and the ANTI ESTABLISHMENT attitude, the anti SOCIAL HIERARCHAL attitude. he doesnt actually care about posers or anyone ELSE'S authenticity (to metal) he just wants to be authentic to himself. he's one of the punkest punks (in soul at least) i can think of who isn't even (intentionally) textually punk and i can totally see him falling into it more and more as he ages and the subculture shifts/he moves and is introduced to difference scenes. i also want to note like i mean he cares about people's authenticity in the sense of he is anti Jock but not anti Sport he's literally just morally against and needs to stand up for himself and his friends who are wrongfully made fun of when to him they're both just playing silly games. i don't think eddie even hates JOCKS or "populars" he just hates assholes he never actually said anything against the sport itself that wasn't to connect a string to how they consider THEIR little game "silly". he's got a basketball hoop over his literal laundry basket like c'mon.

also all of this COMBINED with being a dnd nerd, making his own community of likeminded peers that he feels need help/guidance, noting and considering others actions and working to make his own "metal" moments, and again being anti-establishment/social hierarchy/oppression NONCONFORMIST r far more punk attitudes & sentiment than being a metalhead. idk its not very dramatic and i'm being nitpicky bc i dont think even HE would care bc he would still be doing all of this BEING punk even if he wasn't calling himself that. whilst keeping in mind that the music he likes is still metal and the subcultures like this are at core value about the music it also doesn't matter as much as people make it seem and you can be the punkest of punk fully involved in the scene and listen to uh. strictly bruce springsteen or something.

anyway longwinded way of saying if eddie was born in the 2000s he'd be one of those little old-emo kids who turned punk when he hit his later teens and would be like handing out flyers for a new thing every day & trying to create social reform in Fuck Off, indiana and trying to convince steve to open a community garden and join his band. and hes gay too.

#asks #also tbh i dont even KNOW if he does just really like heavy bc he likes a lot of the same sort of SOUND but that sound is easily erm #replicatable and found in other genres. and metalheads r like soul bound to their own genre #but i think eddie wouldnt really care not that hed be headbanging 2 blondie even if thats fun and u r allowed 2 have fun #LOL!#i think hed like a lot of goth music i think hed like a lot of punk rock he DOES like a lot of punk rock #hed like the early indie scene he literally has his own band. cmon. AND we dont even know what his band sounds like #sts #if he was my age i think hed like the idea of hyperpop and how subsections ekids are seemingly recreating the scemo scene naturally #update from the future he would be hesdbanging to blondie one thousand percent

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aberfaeth · 2 years

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SHARE d20 THOUGHTS

bea you are so kind to me So kind. ok buckle in babes!

ranking d20 seasons by how compelled i feel to do a full scale rewrite picking apart and rearranging the bones

DISCLAIMER: this list is not in order of how much i like or dislike the seasons. i also recognize that in an improv format, especially comedy-focused, people make decisions that aren’t character or theme driven. none of the cast are Wrong for any of the choices i’m going to critique here. that’s just the name of the game. HOWEVER:

1. a starstruck odyssey

ah the reason i’m making this list. aso has SO MUCH POTENTIAL LIKE THERES SO MUCH GOOD STUFF IN THERE!!!!! i just think it failed to resolve its arcs satisfyingly. @cloudmancy and @grasslandgirl (EDIT: and @lichfucker ) have made GREAT posts on norman takamori which i encourage everyone to read and burn into their brains. but also like. the stuff with barry nyne drives me insane i hated that so much </3. why did prillbus choose him. how did the king of brain slugs get in a zoo exhibit. in the wise words of sav:

AND THE ARC PLAYED SO WELL WITH SID! which, by the way, the warfare whitneys getting remade falls into the same thing of like oh ok. sid dealing with being a keeper of souls didn’t actually matter bc she’s not anymore.

there’s just this aspect of. the random factor was stressed so often and it was so cool and delightful whenever things happened to align and like. the way that it turned out oh norman and skip and barry and marge are all connected to this world ending plot in the end! just felt so against that theme bc it was very clear and obvious where the metahand of narrative was coming in. like it would have been way more engaging and impactful if the wurst really had just randomly stumbled onto saving the galaxy ESPECIALLY bc thats their whole thing! no chosen ones no saviors we are a bunch of idiot mercenaries here by accident!

also loose duke should not have been on the ship they rly beat that one to death early lol

2. misfits and magic

i love mismag with all my heart and soul but that does not mean she is safe from me !!!!! people have beaten to death the centralization of evan in the narrative so i don’t think i have to talk about that but i also think k’s arc could have been a lot smoother. i love the feral princess i think it’s like k taking this thing that’s always been pushed onto them that’s pushed onto them again (aggressive femininity, girlhood) and making it their own but i wish they’d had the time and the space to lean more into that whole thing of like. Taking magic and forming it into what I WANT it to be. Nature AND nurture AND intention bc thats the whole. that’s the season’s whole self determination thing. anyways more jammer more sam!!! would have loved to see more of jammer’s team building i want him to give everyone nicknames i want to see him struggle with his world becoming so much bigger and more complex. and seeing more of sam’s leadership and the way she goes from internet influencer to like irl influence like the scene w her teaching the kids how to mukbang was so good i want more of that. ALSO poly pilot program real

3. a crown of candy

every day i think about the world where we got those four lost episodes. i don’t think it would fix everything but like acoc NEEDS more time towards the end, you can tell something is missing. honestly it’s so perfectly done for the first half and then it just kind of… falls off a tiny bit? there are moments towards the end that are fantastic but i really don’t like how it resolved. i feel like everyone and their mother has talked about liam’s wish and how rough that was (my personal favorite replacement for that choice is for a peppermint tree to grow over the spot where keradin and the pontifex are buried as a representation of the strengthening of magic in candia which might be august’s idea?) but also idk i just feel like cumulous didn’t hit as hard for me. and saccharina is the love of my life literally one of my fave characters ever but her cinnamon arc felt really rushed (which, yes, missing episodes). i just feel like after jet’s death the pacing and themes get so muddy (yes missing episodes yes i know). anyways brennan wishes he had what prince consort calroy doc and sweet religion doc have

4. mice and murder

mice and murder is SOOOO CLOSEEEE but it trips over the finish line. honestly some of it was the dice being fickle but like. there were choices. anyways i said it best when it was airing:

also i wish vicar ian had more to do. he had some killer moments but he didn’t feel as connected as the rest of the group did yknow

5. pirates of leviathan, fantasy high seasons 1 and 2, the seven aka The Spyre Spot

this is the spot in the list where i run out of specific rewrite energy but they’re not quite in the Perfect tier. honestly pirol is so good SO slept on i literally just wish it had better video quality which is no ones fault. also i wish it were longer so they had more time to get their footing! and fantasy high is classic and very good but there are still some things i would change (fabian in the nightmare forest for one! i hate how he isn’t taken seriously, acknowledgement that penelope and dayne blade were also children groomed by an ancient dragon, i think kristen’s arcs are a little clumsily done, etc). the seven is also delightful and hilarious and its themes are done beautifully but i did not think the combat was done well lol. i think brennan got some bad asks and wasn’t hard enough on saying no, and while again there were some really good moments i think it dragged more than combat normally does but that’s #justmysillyopinion

6. the unsleeping city, escape from the bloodkeep

the perfect seasons. i would not change a single thing, they achieve everything they set out to do and they do it beautifully. and hilariously!

7. shriek week, tiny heist

i liked these seasons but i don’t think there’s enough there to really dig in yknow? like i enjoyed my time but i don’t feel compelled to rewatch

8. tuc2 my beloathed

i’m sorry i just don’t care for tuc2 i pretend she doesn’t exist 💔

@catoptrific and @theamazinggrayson also asked about this!!

#dimension 20 #long post #d20 #c.ask #sorry i’m on mobile there’s no readmore option ��😭😭

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void-kissed · 11 months

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Hello friend it's ya boi Berry I saw the post abt what fandoms would ship irt your SIs and as someone who spent hours looking at ships in this fandom I have thoughts.

Sapphire: Nia would def be a ship w her. Mythra as well, I tend to see most characters shipped w one Aegis often shipped w the other. Her excitable nature playing of Mythra being more guarded would intrigue people.

Calanthe: Shion/Koshion ot3 deffo would happen. That fandom is wlw paradise for ships lol. Helps she and Shion have a lot in common -- invested in KOS-MOS, glasses for reasons other than eyesight, Zohar shenanigans.... T-elos in saga and 2 both would also happen. Similar to the Aegis situation I find.

Aline: Def would be shipped w Haze as well as prolly her and Lora as an ot3. Her and Brighid also feels possible -- jewel of Mor Ardain and a village girl would go hard for ppl. Curve ball here but Avalon as well. Blade Driver pairings are super popular and I figure that'd extend here too -- they're friends so some ppl would ship em.

Citri: Fiora and Shulk predictions are spot on. Reyn would also be a potential one bc of the similar childhood friends angle, tho might be more popular w her in ot3+s. Melia also feels incredibly possible, actually -- people in recent years have really been feeling her wlw vibes and chances are she'd have cute interactions with Citri, making her a potentially popular choice. Linada might also be one of only bc she and Vanea are somewhat shipped -- ship her w one gf why not the other? Lots of ot3+s here specifically would happen I think.

This has been berry can't sleep and is autistic about ships in xc fandom hour. Thank you

HELLO BERRY THANK YOU SO SO MUCH FOR THESE and also I really hope you were able to sleep. Sorry that they took so long for me to write out responses to!

Sapphire with Mythra would be pretty interesting actually, especially with the context of Mythra first appearing in XC2 not too long after Sapphire joins the party in Chapter 3. Not perhaps the best of introductions Plus, with Mythra’s connection to Poppi, that’s another way the two can kind of come together despite being quite different personality-wise! And, I can also definitely see shipping happening with Nia, haha. Not only out of catgirl solidarity, but there's also a Blade Eater/Flesh Eater contrast, which is made more fun by the fact that the Blade whose Core Crystal is in Sapphire was a healer Blade~

Today I found out that Shion doesn't wear glasses to correct her vision either, huh. I didn't realise they were a sentimental thing for her (from what I read on the wiki)! Anyway - yes, you're right that Calanthe and Shion do have possibly a bit too many similarities, oops, but you're right that it would definitely make them fit ships! Shoutout to Xenosaga for all the wlw ships, honestly. t-elos is someone I had not considered, but honestly now you mention it I can absolutely see it. Calanthe is not an overly confident self-insert, so that combined with t-elos' general demeanour would be quite the contrast, hehe. Plus, if going by her XC2 version: glasses solidarity again!

I would definitely call Aline with Avalon a curveball for the reason that Avalon isn't attracted to girls (I keep considering shipping them with Minoth, or possibly one of the other two male Blades), but at the same time I can see it persisting despite that, given what some people are unfortunately like. I will readily admit I hadn't considered Aline with Brighid, but I can definitely see the logic in it, haha - you're right that that kind of trope can be pretty fun! And, yes, Aline with Haze does definitely sound very cute, I can definitely imagine it ^-^

Regarding Citri, I don’t know how I forgot about Melia! My first attempts at making an XC1 self-insert was to selfship with Melia, actually - that self-insert was a fellow half-High Entia, also called Sapphire but without XC2 Sapphire's energetic-ness. Citri has actually probably turned out somewhat similar to that initial iteration, now that I think about it, despite her lore now being different (and me thinking of her as an alternate version of Calanthe, not of Sapphire). In terms of the others, I can definitely see them happening through OT3s specifically, as those would give more opportunity for more dynamics to develop properly, you could say.

..Sorry that this took me so long to properly get to, but thank you so so much again for sending this in, friend!! It really means a lot that you took the time to write this out in such a way, so thank you ^-^

#a call from the void #heart of the void #selfshipping #self‑insert: gem of garfont (sapphire)#friend: light of the aegis (mythra)#friend: catgirl solidarity (nia)#appreciated characters: shion #self‑insert: in a world displaced (calanthe)#love: power of another world (KOS‑MOS)#appreciated characters: t-elos #self‑insert: hope without courage (aline)#friend: shattered light (avalon)#friend: jewel of the empire (brighid)#friend: windfall memories (haze)#self‑insert: vessel of nemesis (citri)#friend: heir to a lost throne (melia)#why did that tag take me so long to remember #appreciated characters: linada #waaah that was a lot of tags i probably missed some and I apologise if that is the case #of gods and titans (xenoblade chronicles)#out of the inbox #selfship asks #berry tag!#it is now late and I am now very tired myself but hopefully these answers are alright #thank you very much once again

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rosyvvoods · 1 year

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Out of curiosity, since you seem to be on the outskirts of the fandom but also keeping up with things (like your return to this account, your recent reblogs being MW instead of BOCW etc), and you have pretty solid opinions most of the time- how do you feel about the current fandom treatment of characters like Ghost?

Oh, dang- hi anon, I wasn't expecting an intriguing question before bed, so thank you!! And hopefully I can answer in a coherent way, I'm pretty much half asleep rn

Essentially A) I'm no expert on any of these characters, I've always been a newcomer to this fandom and the media, I don't absorb media like I used to anymore regardless (though I'd like to watch playthroughs of the original MW games as well at some point) so my opinions are very baseline and don't have the experience of someone playing or viewing the game since the start BUT

B) it's tough, bc I do think the "babygirlification" of Ghost in particular was fun and funny at the start, mostly for the reason of pissing off the stereotypical audience for these games- and, I mean, it's what brought me into even considering consuming this media so- BUT. Idk I've also really connected w Ghost as a character, he's one of those characters that I saw and my brain said "oh this is One" and so I think people aren't nearly as complex with their thoughts on him as they could and objectively SHOULD be since he's a. Deeply traumatized man who's turned himself into a killing machine for covert operations. I think he could enjoy love and softness and I also think the oversexualization could be worked into an actual response (i.e. some trauma causes people to oversexualize themselves to cope) but again, there isn't nuance and it's all on the very surface so

TLDR I am part of the "big British military propaganda killing machine man with skull face make brain go brrrrrrr big and hot and a little spooky" people for sure BUT I also think. He deserves a little more complexity and such considering his lore and backstory and all.

ALSO I'm definitely a Ghost type of person, he's right up my alley, but it's also pretty typical of fandom to ignore other great, interesting characters of color to go for characters like Ghost and Soap. Frustratingly typical, of course, but typical (derogatory) nevertheless. Like Gaz is right there. Alejandro. Rodolfo. Valeria. Farah. I could keep going.

#rosytalks #idk if i should tag this but yknow #i got my hot takes going here #and like. idk! as someone who is also DEEPLY mentally ill and struggles w some of the same stuff ghost canonically does #intense self isolation. removing oneself from emotions to cope. not allowing anyone within a certain diameter.#the mask that becomes part of who one is as opposed to something to hide behind. etc etc #i learned more about him and went 'wow who left the projector on' LMAO #and so a lot of my feelings toward him specifically stem from that #but i do also have the separate thoughts of the other characters if anyone wants me to talk about them too #simon ghost riley #mw2 #mwii

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fellstcr · 2 years

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mun’s interpretation / @kleinstar / ACCEPTING !

✘ Any unpopular opinions about your muse?

||. buddy most of the time i’m half-convinced my entire take on byleth IS an unpopular opinion. at least, to the loud part of the fandom. despite all of my observations being 100% based on canon. all of the canons. if not just the majority of the routes.and fun fact: i’ve played through CF extremelly recently. EXTREMELY recently. all of it only further supports every single thought i’ve had about byleth concerning multiple aspects of her that carry through consistently.

but i could be entirely wrong. for context though: generally speaking most byleth interpretations either go completely anti!church or anti!nabatean/dragon for... i’m not really sure what reason. tbh???? given that there is only one route where that’s even remotely a consideration for her. (and even then her beef is very specifically w her grandmom.) 3/4 routes have byleth actively spearheading the church in rhea’s stead, with all 3 having her taking up sothis’ mantle (and in some ways, rhea’s) in different ways. SS being the most obvious from start to finish as far as sothis’ legacy goes, VW allowing her to discover her nabatean heritage and avenge it by directly confronting Nemesis, and AM being more fully in the middle of those two things for no reason other than byleth coming into being the bridge between the dragons and the humans, and the past and present completely on her own. and ultimately the most healthily and emotionally-sound.

VERY generally speaking??? it’s like there’s this weird stigma against the church + rhea as a whole and most content with byleth takes ... CF!byleth way out of context and then transposes that onto actually every other route. i’ve even read post!AM-route fanfics where she’s super ... catty... with rhea. despite this byleth having an incredibly close and mutually loving relationship with the archbishop in AM. tbh probably even more so than SS!byleth. suffice it to say it’s a little bit odd, but hey. if that’s what makes ppl connect to byleth that’s all the more power to them. but she’s very, VERY different to that, in canon and that’s what i personally am going to stick to/base all my decisions about her on. (from ALL routes. bc in this house we stan multi-faceted byleth eisner.)

☯ Is your muse liked or disliked by fandom? Does this affect your portrayal?

||. i wouldn’t really say byleth is disliked as much as i’d say she’s EXTREMELY misunderstood. i mean, she’s certainly disliked by some, but that’s true of any character. but then that also requires the fandom to actually b other to admit that byleth is a CHARACTER, and not a “player insert avatar only”. i’m not going to rant too much about why that’s really irritating for me as both a byleth fan and as a screenwriter myself, but si’ll simply say that a HUGE reason i decided to commit to byleth specifically is because i wanted to not only do her justice as per stated above, but to bring to light all of the character-driven moments, decisions, and game-choices that 3 houses presents to us with all of us just.. not really realizing. she’s honestly an amazing characte, who does make sense, is NOT pandered to, IS interesting/engaging, and is so much more than what the fandom misinterprets her as. like. hot take but byleth always had a personality before 3 hopes the only thing that game did was actually make people pay attention. i was NOT surprised by anything she ever did and said because they actually kept her in character.

#kleinstar #⚔️ ooc. / mun.#⚔️ ask. / trade secrets.#meme friday #hmmmmmmmmmm #fandom critical #??#critical #(ppl who know me well know i could get on a soap box about these things for DAYS)#(my poor roommate has had to listen to me rant aabout byleth for 3 hours straight mULTIPLE times in the past year just because of-)#(fandom making me mad)#(byleth is a character !!! we all need to actually TREAT her like one tyvm this has been my TEDtalk)

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zushimart · 8 months

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hi idk if this is a weird ask or not bc im half asleep but i just wanted to say that i started following u on my old blog in late 2022 like maybe december and your posts about bpd scara made me feel so seen. i wasn't diagnosed then but it was recently on the table as a diagnosis for me all of a sudden and it was terrifying because i feel like pwbpd are demonized and hated everywhere i look. and just like scrolling thru ur bpd scara tag was like looking at a diary of my own mind or smth. so it was really new to me to see someone talk about borderline as something that brings love and pain into our lives and not just as some scary evil-people diagnosis. like ur definitely my fav writer on this app by far but also u make me feel really validated in my emotions i guess? wow idk sorry like i actually have no idea how to describe it but hopefully u can read minds ‼️ 🤞 i have since been diagnosed with bpd with a criteria score of 9/9 so 😳 idk where id be rn in september 2023 if i hadn't sort of started to learn to love myself from your writings exploring a character. so yea this is probably a strange ask so feel free to ignore it. also im going on anon bc im scared of interacting w ppl. ALSO U R SO FUNNY ND YOUR HUMOR/RANDOM FUNNY TAGS FEEL SO SIMILAR TO MY INTERNAL MONOLOGUE

this is such an open & genuine thing to say to me . i like had to sit with it for a second because it was so .. idk like how to communicate it . my devaluation of ths blog is pretty frequent, treating it sort of like a big boy version of the 2000s children’s diaries with locks.. my thoughts tossed in here nd piled nd piled nd piled, endlessly messy. nd it objectively is a writing blog , like yeah, on a surface level, i own& maintain a writing blog, but i would never tell people that. when people ask my hobbies i always say writing & ill show them my poetry pieces but i never tell them i have a blog because im kind of embarrassed by the very seriously delusional self indulgence i pour into this thing . but then i hear about.. like, for ex. we learned ab and have to maintain our own commonplace book in class, which is essentially where people collected anything and everything they felt needed to be archived from their day and tucked it into the pages of a journal . like how thomas jefferson’s commonplace book will have his serious philosophical & political ramblings side by side a recipe for cornbread because it was just a place to put everything big & small . the practical & the theoretical. just, whatever Means something to u. and leisure, indulgence, pleasure r concepts just as important as virtues imo. anyway i say all this to say that what u said to me makes me want to treat everything better, even this place. it like, makes me feel really proud of my writing& analyses that i might normally b quick to label as inconsequential or childlike because im scared people will think i care too much about something so culturally insignificant. but i do care!! obviously!! a lot. i was like kind of bummed today for a number of reasons frm feeling a bit isolated to feeling like living out my principles& ideals (connecting w community, peer centered thinking etc etc) is almost impossible because im sooo freaking shitty at social convention. so when u sent this in & i read it, it was almost like when ur spacing out nd someone snaps 🫰🫰 in front of ur face to get ur attn. so busy trying 2 b significant to someone to realize that u Already are significant in a myriad of little ways. that it’s not something u search for or insert urself into but rather an inevitable outcome of existing. Anyway . not to b sentimental but i wanted 2 b as candid with u because i really did think it was sweet of u to share & im really happy that i was able 2 positively shape & support a little space of ur life because really thats all i ever want to do. Soooooooooo if ur ask was weird then my response is even weirder. Handwritten thank u:

#And what kind of boyfriend would i be if i didnt support my girlfriend with beautiful princess disorder #i think its just a fact of loving someone that even the most frustrating things ab them can b beautiful #or that for every weakness there’s an equally intense strength like sides of a coin #My response to this ask would b so much more impactful if i didnt constantly make dick and ball and sex jokes on this damn blawwg #happy tag

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kahvilahuhut · 2 years

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😭, 🎂, 🙈, ⚾, ❇️, 🚆, 🌟, ❤️ (i did one from each group and I'm sorry, maybe this should go under a read more lmao)

wkdkfkf thank you omg this is gonna be fun 😂 and yeah i'll put a read more probably bc i can rarely write a short answer lol

i almost forgot abt it's existance lol bc i have the thing that shortens posts on dashboard 😭😂 oh boy

i'll do this one w/ dana 🥰

😭 CRYING - what makes them cry? do they cry easily?

They cry rarely. Partly because Dana has a "bad connection" with their feelings as in...they simply don't understand how they feel most of the time and doesn't deal with them early enough. That then leads to piled up emotions which is...not healthy, to be honest. They also prefer to do it in private, because they have an unhealthy mindset about not showing weakness. They also claim that they rarely cry bc it would ruin their eyeliner they had carefully drawn (they suck at makeup ngl)

Usually the reason why they cry is their job. Being (half unwillingly) chosen as the general of a new defence force squad already sounds like a hard job, and along with that come the awful bosses who don't really care about losses (bc most of the squad members are robots created exactly for this task) nor ethics, and who also love to push poor Dana to their limits (and over). It ain't easy, but it's worth it (a lie).

The second reason are the bottled-up emotions they're bad at taking care of. But usually it's both of these mixed together. There are other reasons too, but those are the most important ones.

Once resurrected in a robot body, she actually jokes about one of the best things of it is that crying is not an available function in this body. Bold of her to assume that makes her life better somehow.

🎂 BIRTHDAY CAKE - when is their birthday? do they like celebrating it?

To be honest I haven't chosen the date yet lol Might as well do it now! hmmm let's go with 10th of August 🤔

She's not into big parties, and instead prefers to have a very little party (or no party). She's kinda indifferent about it, but likes the gifts :)

🙈 SEE-NO-EVIL - whats a side of your oc that they don't want to show other people?

I already mentioned it in the first one but...the vulnerable side (tm). Dana wants to be known for their achievements, their personality, they've done to help the world or what ideas do they have. And they're scared that acting like a normal person with bad days will stop people from seeing what they've done, and instead they will only be known for breakdowns and feeling bad over something. Good thing is that they Do Get Better at seeing vulnerability as a good thing and get a healthier life style (it only lasts a little but hey, it's still something ;) )

⚾ BASEBALL - can they play sports? what is their best position if they play a team sport? what's their strong suit (speed, power etc.)?

Dana likes playing badminton. She and Amal often played together as a way to procrastinate school/university tasks, and continued to play it once in a while in the working life, though more rarely than when they were studying.

She's also a bit into floorball, and always chooses to be a goalkeeper :3

OH AND Dana also does yoga sometimes bc their work would create them even more pain if they didn't do stretches. Though because of the work schedule they have, they usually do yoga sometime around 3AM 🥲

❇️ SPARKLE - what is their most prized possession? what do they value?

Their coffee cup. It was gifted to them by their parents, and Dana has used it ever since. It's beige and has pomegranates drawn on it.

Also their phone bc it has all the contacts they need in their life AND bc they value all the articles/book pdfs/other knowledge things they keep there and don't want to lose them.

🚆 TRAIN - what is their answer to the trolley problem?

Shut it's power source down so it stops. Throw rocks on the rails. Switch the rails to the one person part in case it won't work & run as fast as you can to untie them bc trams are Slow.

🌟 GLOWING STAR - what do they think about when they look at the night sky? is there someone they want to star gaze with?

In childhood it would be something like:

"So many planets, people and things to do out there! I wish I could travel more often, just to feel like I'm somehow a part of this universe."

Meanwhile as an adult:

"From all the star systems and planets that exist, hell, even the ones that we can see, and all of the living beings that live there, it's kinda weird to be the person who has so much they could do to affect the future of this sector of the galaxy. Winning a local lottery worth of 50 dollars would definitely feel better. I'm so tired."

She rarely star gazes in the literal way, because she simply doesn't have time to sit on a meadow and look at the sky. She does love looking out of the window of the spaceship just to see how beautiful space is.

❤️ RED HEART - their love language(s)?

Quality time 🥰 Their ideal moment spent with a loved one is cuddling on a couch or a bed while reading something, and/or talking with each other about life and random topics that come to their mind. Philosophical conversations are a bonus.

#hollowbreeze #asks #long post

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streaming-yn · 3 years

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Hiya there! I really like your writing and was wondering if you could write something where forgetful y/n meets Technoblade- and also- can I be 🏹 anon if its not taken? :D

yeah yeah!! I don't know if you meant c!forgetful!y/n and c!techno or cc!both and I kinda like the heads of both soo ,, I did both !! I hope that's cool w you !!! n ofc, welcome to the crew 🏹 anon :)

part 1 // part 2 // part 3 // part 4 // part 5 // part 6 // part 7

part doesn't look like a real word anymore

pairing (platonic); c!forgetful!y/n x c!techno , forgetful!y/n x (cc!)techno

warnings; dark humor (punting kids, killing, hitman stuff, stuff along those lines!!)

Characters

met bc you're ranboo's sibling !! :)

you were looking for ranboo but couldn't find him (he was hanging out with techno) so you sent him a text on the communicator (whispering) to ask

him, being the protective brother (in lore, the world it's tons more dangerous and he knows) he is, he didn't really think and sent you his coords and said he'll be near there, he's hanging out with someone

he didn't specify who exactly he was with so you were like oh ok be there in a bit

you go the coords and see them through the trees, techno's pink and red colors pallet and ranboo's black half and tux standing out against the snow

immediately you're still, if you move they might hear you – techno might hear you, you look for a bit, going through a back and fourth in your head was what you were going to tell him actually worth what might happen if techno didn't like you? it's not necessarily important information, you just wanted someone to talk to about what you talked with Tommy about today and your brother was your closest friend – tommy tied for first place with him but talking to tommy about what you and tommy spoke about? that's be weird. you really want to talk now, so you don't forget, and your not the best with holding in stuff without snapping at people who don't deserve it

so you decide to go on anyways. he wouldn't hate you, right? you're not really on a side, you're more of a middle ground type of person so you're not connected to the government so he wouldn't hate you, right? and even if he did; your brother would never let him kill you; you reasoned with yourself, happy with the resolve you start forward towards them

thank God for your naturally quiet and agile movements, they would've noticed you before you were ready otherwise, you made it halfway to them and decided to make a little bit of noise so they wouldn't pull weapons as soon as you were right next to them

you threw a snowball at a tree causing both boys to turn and see you wave "hi! just wanted to talk with ranboo"

"well I'm talking to him, about something rather serious too, so leave." "okay so? I want to talk to my brother so why don't you leave?"

talking like this with the blood god was extremely risky, but you're also not the most well known for having smart, thought out decisions. in other words; you don't really think before talking, which can be both good and bad

people admire the honesty and what they believe is guts (it's not, you just don't have cognitive filters), on the other hand, though, it can, and will (and definitely has) land you in a world of hurt

ranboo's looking between you two anxiously, eyes showing obvious worry that this will escalate to a battle

as the piglin hybrid looked down at you like you were dirt under his boot you glared right back up at him, matching the energy he gave, as you grabbed ranboo's hand and started to drag him away

ranboo turned around to look at techno and waved "oh- uh- I guess we can talk some other time!", techno grumbled at that

though later he did let himself laugh about it, someone who looked quiet not being afraid to match his energy was amusing itself, but pair that with you dragging your brother along, not being careful of his foot placement causing him to almost fall many times and it makes it funnier

when he spoke to you again, it was clear neither of you held any grudges or anything but the "oh my god I hate you and we're literally enemies" bit continued, but it was obvious it was just y'all's dynamic

fans were in love with that dynamic and adored making art (comics, drawings, fics, animations, etc) of it :)

and despite everything the friendship and dynamic stayed the same, making fans cry

fans often worried about what would happen to y'all, because nothing in the dsmp stays the same – something bad always has to happen

quite a few ",,, what's gonna happen to c!techno and c!y/n's dynamic... something bad has to happen right? it's been good for way too long" tweets and most of the replies consist of "if something happens I'm blaming you" or "if anything happens I'm coming back with a bat" (both jokes ofc)

haha,, something bad eventually does happen but that's for a different time o/ (dw abt requesting for it! I already have a request where I plan to reveal it, however it will take a bit to get to, until then, enjoy the cliffhanger >:) )

content creators

immediately y'all match up on the same jokes and things!!

yk the thing like "wait, it's not what it looks like" "you kill people for money????" ".... .yeah" "and this whole time I've been doing it for free like a chum!!!"

that's y'all, you're the one who's doing it for free 💀

y'all met through the dsmp and started interacting so the lore won't be awkward and ended up becoming friends

(truth be told you were scared of him not liking you bc you were a fan of his content for some time now)

if you let him rant about Greek stories and such he'll let you rant about what you want to too

if you have any knowledge of old torture machines talk to him about it! like obviously torture is not good or anything but it's interesting to learn what happened in the past yk?

,,although maybe don't do that on stream-

I feel like after talking to techno for the first time and it going well you immediately go back to ranboo like "GUESS WHAT OMG"

"GUESS WHAT GUESS WHAT :DD" "Well, hello to you too" "But what's up?" "SCARY MAN THIUGHT I WAS OK 👍👍" "Who? Literally every new guy you meet is "scary man" to you" (/hj /lh) "TECHNOOO!!!!!" "That's awesome, man!! :D"

depending on how you react to jokes about punting kids he would end up making them more often around you bc he finds your reaction funny

if it's normal, you have no reaction, or just laugh in reply, he'll make them a normal amount most likely

if it's something along the lines of "NOOOO !!!!!" he's going to end up making them more, and out of the blue too

"so, you really went far in streaming so far?" "yeah! I think it's neat! I didn't expect to-" "almost as far as the kid I kicked-" "NO !!!!"

there are a lot of times where you have to clear up what is and isn't lore because y'all's dynamic is similar in and out of roleplay

also yk,, people are starved of and wanting c!y/n and c!techno interactions so they're trying to get the crumbs they can – it's actually really funny

taglist: @cvsmixplant @l0ver0fj0y @youngstarfishdinosaur @icarusthefoolish @ophelia-enthusiast @decay-as-a-life-form @xxtwizztedxx @akino-akina-writes @qrimbarkk @milkydisaster @xx-smiley-xx

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class1akids · 3 years

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The spoilers have me laughing out of sheer frustration again. So 'Deku connected class 1A & Uraraka connected the civilians w Deku.' Pretty much confirms the explicit erasure we feared. Bc it's not as if class 1A put in the work here, nope. And apparently we've forgotten what Aizawa said, about TWO people being the ones who inspire the class. But no, sir. It's only Deku. Bakugo who? And now Uraraka gets the only other nod. Seriously, ugh. The whole class's efforts erased from the writing as well

There's been a lot of clumsy dialogue lately, but:

1. Let's wait for the official translation of Hawks' words. But remember, it's his perspective. Hawks didn't see the Class A meeting where Bakugou advocated for saving Deku, nor was he present in Nezu's office or during the apology. Hawks has no reason to emphasize Bakugou separately.

2. Connection has always been portrayed as a two-way thing.

Nii-chan reached out to Yoichi who took his hand.

All Might connected with Deku, because Deku first helped him connect back to himself.

Deku reached out to a lot of people in Class A, but Class A connected with each other, so they could connect with Deku, to help him connect with himself.

Uraraka facilitated the connection with the civilians, but the civilians who connect to Deku are the ones he himself saved. And in the end of the day, the civilians are connecting to each other and back to the heroes.

3. I was personally never a big fan of that "twin star" monologue of Aizawa - especially not in an arc, where Iida pulled more than half of class A through stage one of the licensing exam or Momo took a big part in pulling another group. I just don't think it necessarily represented the way the Class A connections / inspirations worked.

4. Class A includes Bakugou - so he gets a nod as part of that group. His portrayal in this arc has been emphasizing how he became part of Class A also mentally - he's standing with them, putting on a tie like the rest of them, doing his part of their combo moves, etc. It's a big growth moment for him to do that and I personally like that he doesn't get praised for behaving like a normal person - because I don't think he needs that kind of external validation now. Also, the apology is his humble moment - it's fitting that he's not immediately rewarded. How many times did Deku do something great and not get any praise for it and wasn't acknowledged at all by anyone? We, the readers, see what Bakugou did, how he grew and Deku heard him say his truth. Hearing Bakugou's words is what makes him really realize his own toxic mindset and how far he's from his own ideals.

5. I'm sure Bakugou will have his big moment - it's hard to wait, but I'm sure the narrative will soon be ready to lift him.

6. In the meantime, let's be happy with his moment with Kaminari. I love it that it's so normal and playful. Class A is not going to act weird with him even though he apologized in front of them talking pretty openly about his bully past. I think it's relevant that this is the first time anyone interacts with him and it's just really moving along from that tension. They are ok. They are even proud of their gremlin friend.

#bnha 325 #bnha leaks #bnha manga spoilers #c1a asks #this seems ok #poor deku still didn't get a shower #bakugou will be fine #he's gonna get his absolute shining moment

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maybankiara · 3 years

Text

TELL ME, IS IT WORTH IT?

pairing: JJ Maybank x Pope Heyward

summary: Pope proposes, JJ panics, and now he’s trying to explain why he said no (and why he shouldn’t have done it.)

w/c: 3.7k

a/n: angst with a happy ending, ignore all the typos bc this is entirely unedited (i might edit in the future)

masterlist | tag list

read on archive of our own

It’s really unfair that when someone’s life falls apart, the world itself doesn’t. JJ thinks it should. It should be raining knives, hailing bullets, volcanoes should be exploding and the ground shaking shouldn’t be just his personal experience of reality.

But it’s not even a moderately hot day. It’s breezy, it’s perfect, and it’s one of the nicest days of the fucking whole year.

JJ hates it.

The Chateau has only got John B and Kiara under its roof when he barges in, teeth gripping on the cap of a beer bottle. ‘Don’t ask,’ he states, then drops in the empty space between the two on the couch. His legs find their home on the coffee table and he nearly downs the bottle. Burps. Sighs, dramatically.

He knows they’re exchanging glances, but he chooses to ignore it.

Kie’s consoling hand lands on his shoulder. ‘What ha—’

‘Pope asked me to marry him,’ he says, ‘and I said no. And I also said I think it’s never going to happen.’

John B should’ve made a dumb comment. Kie should’ve made a sarcastic remark. But they didn’t, and they won’t, because JJ feels the gravity of the situation weighting down his lungs. (It feels like being torn up inside out, like his heart is chewing on itself out of anger, or sadness, or betrayal. It feels like the moment when your heart skips a beat and you think this is it, this is how I die, except you don’t; except you’re stuck in that moment forever.)

JJ burps. It chips at the silence, but it doesn’t break it. Kie’s hand on his shoulder is frozen and the distance between him and John B seems like an ocean.

‘Yeah,’ says JJ. ‘I don’t think that was what he expected.’

A sigh comes from Kie, but he doesn’t look. ‘When was this?’

‘About twenty minutes ago. I drove straight here.’

‘Drunk?’ asks John B.

‘Does it matter? I’m here now. Safe and sound.’ He lets out a dry chuckle before he can stop himself, and shakes his head. ‘Physically, anyway.’

‘You’re not drunk,’ says Kie. It sounds a little like a scoff, so JJ looks at her, but he can’t figure out what her face is saying. Tight lips scream anger, but her eyes are soft as ever, maybe a little concerned. She glances between him and John B with one of her eyebrows slightly raised. ‘He’s a heartbroken idiot, but not drunk.’

‘Ah. Understandable. Should I—’

‘You know what being a heartbroken idiot means.’ Kie pushes herself off the couch and when JJ glances at his other friend, John B’s just as confused as he is. ‘I know a thing or two about getting your heart broken for a dumb reason. You two sort that out, and I’ll make sure Pope’s okay. Let me know when you’ve knocked some sense into him.’

Before either of the boys manage to comprehend her words, she’s out the door. The Kie-shaped void on JJ’s left side feels a little odd, so he pushes himself into that side of the couch. The beer is bitter at the back of his throat; he wishes some music would be playing.

John B calls his name, so JJ looks at him. He’s giving him the puppy eyes, trying to get him to talk, and it’s because neither of them really know how to start. (Their affection is physical, not verbal. Kie’s the one who’s good at that. Pope is—)

‘Did you panic?’ asks John B.

JJ shakes his head. ‘Don’t think so. Not until after I’ve said it, anyway.’

‘So what happened?’

There’s a pause, JJ feels his brow furrow, and then: ‘I don’t know.’

‘…you don’t know?’

‘No.’

‘So you panicked.’

‘No, I didn’t, it’s—’ With a sigh, JJ accepts the momentary defeat. He glances over and sees John B’s signature stare full of indecipherable intent, but nothing less than pure kindness. They’ve had their bumps, but they always came out on top. It’s the pogue way. Even if John B wears that stupid bandanna around his neck well into his married life of his late twenties. ‘I knew the answer was no.’

It’s John B’s turn to frown. ‘You’ve thought about it?’

‘No, I just knew. Like you know the ocean is salty.’

‘You know that because you’ve tasted it before,’ counters John B. ‘I doubt you’ve been proposed to before.’

‘I could’ve been!’

All John B offers is a long stare yet that is enough. He’s older by only a few months, but he’s also married and didn’t say no to the proposal (granted, it was him proposing to Sarah, but still) and kind of has got his life together. He’s still JJ’s dumb older brother, but he knows something JJ doesn’t.

‘How did you know you wanted to marry Sarah?’

‘Are you reconsidering your answer?’

‘No, I just—’ JJ sighs again and tries to wish another bottle into appearing in his hand. Doesn’t work. Probably for the better. He just leans his head back on the couch and stares at the ceiling, connecting the dots in his mind. ‘I don’t know what I’m doing. I just want you to tell me how you knew.’

He hears shuffling, and then feels John B’s feet in his lap. (He’s not going to comment on the boat shoes. There’s been enough deflecting. He’s got to listen, because Pope is threatening to burst into the forefront of his mind any second now.)

John B gives out the deep, heavy sigh that only comes with a slight aah whenever he’s about to tell a story. ‘When we were young, she made everything come alive. Everything looked brighter and clearer, and it was like I could finally breathe with the entirety of my lungs.’

JJ closes his eyes, trying not to gag. ‘Bro. I’m not listening to that.’

‘But that’s how I knew!’ He could just hear the grouch in his friend’s voice and now he’s threading the fine line between laughing and gagging. ‘Seriously, JJ, you asked. I don’t— I don’t know what to say. I don’t think you’re taking this seriously enough.’

‘I am.’

‘No, you’re not. You’re deflecting.’

‘Big word.’

‘See?’ John B scrunches his nose, shaking his head. His thumb and index finger grip the bridge of his nose. ‘I know you’re confused. And scared. I know you panicked when Pope asked, but I don’t think you understand how horrible is the thing you’ve done.’

‘It’s not like I broke his heart,’ scoffs JJ, but the words are flat and his heart skips another beat. He doesn’t need to look at John B to knows he’s got his head in his hands. ‘C’mon, it’s Pope. He’s tougher than he looks.’

‘Yes, but he proposed, JJ. He asked to spend the rest of his life with you and you said no!’

‘I didn’t say no to that!’ JJ flings himself off the couch and now he’s pacing around the living room of the Chateau, marching circles around the coffee table. His forehead is pulsating; he’s probably having a heart attack. That’d explain a lot. ‘I said no to getting married.’

‘That’s the same thing.’

‘It isn’t.’

‘It is.’

‘It really isn’t, John B,’ he spits out. Christ, he’s getting hot. Is that his blood boiling? ‘Marriage is… It’s taxes. It’s prenups. It’s joint bank accounts, it’s added tension, it’s fucked up. Half of the marriages don’t even last.’

(Pope’s always talked about getting married. When gay marriage was legalised, before they were together, before they were out of the closet, even then he was openly delighted about it. He’s been talking about the two of them getting married for a while now, or at least hinting at it.

He should’ve expected it. It didn’t come out of the blue. He saw the signs, just ignored them, because… because…)

‘If you’re scared marriage is going to ruin your relationship, JJ, I’ll have you know you’ve already done that yourself.’

This is about the point where everything just… It comes crashing down. The world does end the way JJ wanted it to.

He feels himself growing very, very still, like when he was younger and his father raised a hand. He feels his breath halting in his throat and ears tuning out all sound, repeating John B’s words over and over until the echo became the echo of itself. He could feel the ground opening beneath him despite not moving an inch.

When gravity drags you down to earth, your rose-tinted glasses shatter like porcelain.

He sees Pope’s face of shock, then laughter, then embarrassment and betrayal at once, once he’s realised JJ isn’t joking. He sees him get up from his knees, hands shaking as JJ fumbles over his words, unable to find an explanation or an excuse. He feels cold sweat breaking out on his forehead, blood turning to ice in his hands. He sees his mum leaving, his dad’s hand raised; he sees people arguing and JJ wants to cover his ears. He sees himself, alone, alone, alone.

And he sees Pope turning his back to him. Quietly. He doesn’t even argue back. Just takes the no and i’m sorry, i can’t do this, it’s never going to happen, not like this and doesn’t say a word. Just walks away.

It’d be easier if he screamed at JJ. At least he’d know how to deal with that.

Pope’s heartbreak is the quiet kind, the one that doesn’t ask for attention, just the opposite. Usually JJ’s there to hold his hand, to sit by his side until Pope’s ready to talk about it, or be somewhere around, far enough so that Pope deals with things himself, but close enough so that he’s there if he’s needed. He’s never been the reason for the quiet.

Fire replaces the ice. JJ feels like the sun itself is tearing him open.

‘Shit,’ he says. ‘Fuck.’ Then raises his eyes until he meets John B’s, blurry and barely visible. ‘I fucked up.’

He doesn’t realise he’s shaking until his knees buckle under his weight and he stumbles to find his footing. John B shoots from the couch and pulls him into a hug, wrapping his arms around him so tight JJ couldn’t have escaped if he wanted to. He didn’t. He wanted to be held, even if by a friend.

He doesn’t sob because the sob gets caught in his throat, too, but he lets out a cough that says all the same. ‘It would’ve been easier if you yelled at me.’

‘I know.’ John B pats his back, letting JJ rest his weight unto him. ‘Pope will understand. That’s why Kie went to talk to him. As long as you realise you’re hurting everyone by being an idiot, you can make it better.’

‘I thought—’ He stops, because his words get fumbled again, and now he’s pressing his eyes into his friend’s shoulder like he’s all he’s got. ‘I don’t want to hurt anyone again.’

‘You’re not going to, okay? Just… Marriage is not all taxes, and you gotta understand that. It’s about knowing that if they get hurt, you’ll be allowed to see them. That you can get a house together, that you can look after each other if something goes wrong. That what you have is there to stay. Think of it as a promise.’

JJ snorts, but he doesn’t let go. ‘I don’t do well with people promising things to me.’

‘Then promise it to yourself,’ counters John B. The way he puts it makes it sound it’s as easy as breathing – JJ wishes he could feel the same. ‘Promise to stay with him. Promise to be around if something bad happens, but if something good happens, too. That’s what marriage is.’

‘I already promised that,’ he says. ‘His future and mine are the same.’

‘Then what’s the problem? Marriage is just making it legal. Making it formal. When what you have is honest and true, it doesn’t change anything. It just makes things better.’

JJ pulls out, feeling confident he can stand on his own two feet. He still feels a little lightheaded, but the thought of Pope possibly thinking that spending the rest of their lives together is the last thing JJ would want… That is the last thing JJ would want. Pope hurting because of him.

JJ can’t afford to be scared anymore; living a life half-way ready to run is not living.

He checks his phone; it must’ve chimed at some point because there’s texts from Kie, telling him where she is with Pope. His heart skips another beat, and at this point he thinks he could have enough heartbeats for a whole new person just from the ones he missed.

He’s not dying today. He’s not dying before he gets to live the future he’s almost ripped out of his own hands.

When he looks up at John B, he feels the hint of a weary smile on his lips. ‘I think I’ve got a promise to make.’

—

It shouldn’t be a surprise JJ finds them at the Boneyard, yet it’s still quite odd to see the scenario he’s seen a million times – Kie sitting next to the sea with her feet dipped into water as her fingers splash at the waves just about reaching her, and Pope… Pope sitting on the half-dunked log that’s been here forever, with his feet bare but not quite touching the water. His head is hung low and JJ can see the strain in his shoulders even from halfway across the beach; the cap is sitting on his lap, unused, despite the sun high above their heads.

The sight tugs at his heart and he falters in his step, but John B’s firm hand on his back encourages him forward. JJ gives a slight nod; he’s not giving up on the courage.

It’s Pope who notices them first and he stiffens even more; JJ sees Kie pat his knee before turning around and waving at them, then saying something to Pope. JJ wishes the wind would carry her words to him – is it encouragement or telling Pope he’s better off without someone who panics and refuses the one thing they’ve always longed for?

‘Don’t.’ John B pats him on the back. ‘I see you doing your dumb thought thing.’

JJ opens his mouth to say something, but whatever it was that he meant to say, it’s gone forever. All he can do is try and keep his shoulders from slumping and hands from forming fists; he can’t allow himself to be angry at the world, or himself.

The sand creaks underneath his feet. He hates it in this moment, because it makes him aware of every step he’s got to take to get to Pope, and the steps drag into eternity.

Pope locks their eyes. JJ tries figuring him out, but he’s too far, and Pope’s too guarded.

(Not against me, Pope. Please. Not against me.)

When they get there, JJ feels like fainting, but he sets his foot firmly on the ground. He’s not escaping.

‘Hey,’ greets Kie, and John B returns the greeting. The feuded lovers stay silent, just taking each other in.

(JJ always wished he could paint. The lines of Pope’s face are shaped as if they were meant to withstand centuries instead of being washed away with age. He wishes he could offer to Pope more than just… himself.

He’s talked about this with Pope before, though. Feeling inferior to his boyfriend was always going to be JJ’s Achilles’ heel, yet he didn’t think it would come to this. He made another promise, ages ago – to try to see himself the way Pope sees him. The way other people see him.

To believe in himself the way he believes in other people, for once.)

The silence is heavy, but JJ forces himself to not see it that way. Instead, he looks over to Kie, to John B, and says: ‘Can you guys give us a second?’

There’s nods and then they’re off, with nothing between the couple aside from waves crashing into the shore. Pope’s head is hung and shoulders slumped, and he’s sitting on this log with one foot pulled up and resting on it, the other hanging in the water now. JJ’s fingers ache to reach across for his, but he tells himself it’s not the time.

‘I’m sorry,’ he says. ‘Marriage scares me. I don’t know one that worked out, aside from John B and Sarah. I was raised to be on my own. Marriage means not being alone and that scared me, until I realised that… I haven’t been alone for a while now. The pogues, you… Nobody’s going anywhere. And if marriage is just a way to promise to you that I’m not going anywhere, either, and if it means so much to you, then I say let’s do it. I got scared, but never for a second did a life without you cross my mind. It’s — That’s my nightmare, Pope. Your future and mine are the same. Where you go, I follow. That’s the way things are.’

For a long time, it was JJ trying to come to terms with loving Pope – then it was Pope coming to terms with loving JJ. They’ve always loved each other, in a way, without quite saying it. It has never been the kind of love that is shouted from the rooftops – it’s the helping hand, the whispers of i got this, or you’re not alone in this, or i wish you could see yourself the way i see you. It’s the kind of love that’s etched into the air around them, existing as a part of themselves rather than something external. They’ve grown into it, shaped their lives around it.

It’s always been the beach for them. Their first kiss when they were seventeen, their first fight, their first promise to stick together through thick and thin. Every time something happened, something that mattered, etched itself into the back of JJ’s mind like the sound of his mother’s voice, it was always accompanied by the sound of waves on the shore; by the wind howling over the bay. It was always people chatting in the distance, or some music playing from a half-working speaker. It was always them, in the midst of other people’s lives.

Pope proposed in their flat.

When JJ drops to his knees, he doesn’t do his dumb thought thing. He doesn’t even think about it – for once, his gut isn’t telling him to run, but stay. ‘Pope Heyward.’

‘JJ—’

‘Can you let me do this?’ asks JJ. He laughs a little, shakes his head, and tries not to think about how ridiculous this looks. ‘I know I already had a monologue, but I don’t think I got my point across.’

Pope shakes his head, too; he isn’t smiling, but his eyes aren’t as strained anymore. ‘It’s okay, you don’t have to—’

‘I want to. I want this, okay? I want you to hear it.’

He can see Pope’s Adam’s apple bob, and he can see his shoulders slump in a relaxed way. The lines around his eyes soften and his lips nearly turn upwards, just a little bit. A little twitch is enough to shoot electricity to JJ’s heart.

‘Pope, I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life saying it to you. You’re my best friend, my boyfriend, and my fiancee, if you’ll have me after the shit I pulled today. Husband, then. Father of your children, because I know it’s what you’ve always wanted, and I want it, too. Whatever you’ll be, I’ll be by your side. It’s all I want. No matter what our status is, we’re always Pope and JJ. We’re always just us. And I really haven’t thought out what I’d say next because—’

Pope’s lips crash into JJ’s, his hands grasping at JJ’s face, and world pulls itself together again. When they part their foreheads lean against one another, and he can feel Pope’s breath on his lips, and he feels his hands burning on the small of Pope’s back, and he can breathe and breathe and breathe like his lungs have never worked properly before.

(He understands John B now. Not like he’d ever admit it to him.)

He lets out a chuckle, and then he’s kissing Pope again – a small, chaste kiss, just to feel the softness of the touch. His fingers grip the back of Pope’s flannel and he’s laughing into the kiss.

‘You’re an idiot,’ says Pope. ‘I should break up with you.’

‘Can’t. I’m too irresistible.’

‘Shut up. You’re cheesy. That entire speech would put John B to shame.’

JJ shakes his head again and then his thumb is tracing the line of Pope’s jaw, eyes transfixed by his lips. He almost lost this. He almost gave up everything out of fear after promising to never doing it again. (He’s making a vow, this time. It holds more weight.) ‘You loved that speech.’

Pope rolls his eyes, in the way that tells JJ he’s right. ‘Kie told me you were freaking out at the Chateau.’

‘I was,’ admits JJ. What’s the point of holding back the truth? ‘I was freaked out of my mind. I thought I’d ruined everything.’

‘You forget how well I know you, JJ. I was hurt, but I knew you would come back. Old you would run, but Kie came and said you’re at the Chateau, and you wouldn’t have gone there if you meant to run.’

‘I couldn’t ever run from you.’

‘You better.’

JJ rolls his eyes at the teasing tone in Pope’s voice, then pulls him in for a hug. It’s not long until Pope buries his face in JJ’s shoulder, and JJ kisses the side of his head. ‘I do want to marry you, if you’ll have me.’

There’s a pause and JJ feels Pope chuckle against his neck, shivering a little. ‘What is it that you said? My future and yours are the same? That better be in your vows, John B.’

‘Shut up.’ JJ feels himself burning, neck up this time, and tries to laugh it off. ‘I get to be cheesy once.’

‘Just save it for the wedding. I’d like to hear it again.’

JJ angles his body so there’s some space between them; he doesn’t hesitate before planting another kiss on Pope’s lips, reveling in the ease of movement. This is what coming home feels like, and if this is what future has in store for him, who is he to complain?

#outer banks #obx #mayward #jjpope #mayward fic #jjpope fic #jj maybank #pope heyward #my fic #god a part of me adores this and another part hates it #if i don't post it in the first draft version i'll never post it #obx fic

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