#bc i like to make myself suffer

[noramsblog]

Training

#luke skywalker #the mandalorian #dinluke #din djarin #din grogu #i did all of this at the same time in one setting #bc i like to make myself suffer #i can't feel my hand #help #anyway #lil family doing their weird family training #idk what this is

[inkskinned]

the thing is that they're so fascinated by sex, they love sex, they can't imagine a world without sex - they need sex to sell things, they need sex to be part of their personality, they need sex to prove their power - but they hate sex. they are disgusted by it.

sex is the only thing that holds their attention, and it is also the thing that can never be discussed directly.

you can't tell a child the normal names for parts of their body, that's sexual in nature, because the body isn't a body, it's a vessel of sex. it doesn't matter that it's been proven in studies (over and over) that kids need to know the names of their genitals; that they internalize sexual shame at a very young age and know it's 'dirty' to have a body; that it overwhelmingly protects children for them to have the correct words to communicate with. what matters is that they're sexual organs. what matters is that it freaks them out to think about kids having body parts - which only exist in the context of sex.

it's gross to talk about a period or how to check for cancer in a testicle or breast. that is nasty, illicit. there will be no pain meds for harsh medical procedures, just because they feature a cervix.

but they will put out an ad of you scantily-clad. you will sell their cars for them, because you have abs, a body. you will drip sex. you will ooze it, like a goo. like you were put on this planet to secrete wealth into their open palms.

they will hit you with that same palm. it will be disgusting that you like leather or leashes, but they will put their movie characters in leather and latex. it will be wrong of you to want sexual freedom, but they will mark their success in the number of people they bed.

they will crow that it's inappropriate for children so there will be no lessons on how to properly apply a condom, even to teens. it's teaching them the wrong things. no lessons on the diversity of sexual organ growth, none on how to obtain consent properly, none on how to recognize when you feel unsafe in your body. if you are a teenager, you have probably already been sexualized at some point in your life. you will have seen someone also-your-age who is splashed across a tv screen or a magazine or married to someone three times your age. you will watch people pull their hair into pigtails so they look like you. so that they can be sexy because of youth. one of the most common pornography searches involves newly-18 young women. girls. the words "barely legal," a hiss of glass sand over your skin.

barely legal. there are bills in place that will not allow people to feel safe in their own bodies. there are people working so hard to punish any person for having sex in a way that isn't god-fearing and submissive. heteronormative. the sex has to be at their feet, on your knees, your eyes wet. when was the first time you saw another person crying in pornography and thought - okay but for real. she looks super unhappy. later, when you are unhappy, you will close your eyes and ignore the feeling and act the role you have been taught to keep playing. they will punish the sex workers, remove the places they can practice their trade safely. they will then make casual jokes about how they sexually harass their nanny.

and they love sex but they hate that you're having sex. you need to have their ornamental, perfunctory, dispassionate sex. so you can't kiss your girlfriend in the bible belt because it is gross to have sex with someone of the same gender. so you can't get your tubes tied in new england because you might change your mind. so you can't admit you were sexually assaulted because real men don't get hurt, you should be grateful. you cannot handle your own body, you cannot handle the risks involved, let other people decide that for you. you aren't ready yet.

but they need you to have sex because you need to have kids. at 15, you are old enough to parent. you are not old enough to hear the word fuck too many times on television.

they are horrified by sex and they never stop talking about it, thinking about it, making everything unnecessarily preverted. the saying - a thief thinks everyone steals. they stand up at their podiums and they look out at the crowd and they sign a bill into place that makes sexwork even more unsafe and they stand up and smile and sign a bill that makes gender-affirming care illegal and they get up and they shrug their shoulders and write don't say gay and they get up, and they make the world about sex, but this horrible, plastic vision of it that they have. this wretched, emotionless thing that holds so much weight it's staggering. they put their whole spine behind it and they push and they say it's normal!

this horrible world they live in. disgusted and also obsessed.

#this shifts gender so much bc it actually affects everyone #yes it's a gendered phenomenon. i have written a LOT about how different genders experience it. that's for a different post. #writeblr #ps my comments about seeing someone cry -- this is not to shame any person #and on this blog we support workers. #at the same time it's a really hard experience to see someone that looks like you. clearly in agony. and have them forced to keep going. #when you're young it doesn't necessarily look like acting. it looks scary. and that's what this is about - the fact that teens #have likely already been exposed to that definition of things. because the internet exists #and without the context of healthy education. THAT is the image burned into their minds about what it looks like. #it's also just one of those personal nuanced biases - #at 19 i thought it was normal to be in pain. to cry. to not-like-it. that it should be perfunctory. #it was what i had seen. #and it didn't help that my religious upbringing was like . 'yeah that's what you get for premarital. but also for the reference #we do think you should never actually enjoy it lol' #so like the point im making is that ppl get exposed to that stuff without the context of something more tender #and assume .... 'oh. so it's fine i am not enjoying myself'. and i know they do because I DID. #he was my first boyfriend. how was i supposed to know any different #i didn't even have the mental wherewithal to realize im a lesbian . like THAT used to suffering.

[skitskatdacat63]

2023 Brazilian Grand Prix - Podium - Fernando Alonso

#HE IS SO RADIANT ON THIS PODIUM I LOVUUUU HIMMMMMMMM #once all the pics get released on all the websites i think ill have mental breakdown pt 2 #my roman empire is hoping someone took a pic of him holding the hat in his mouth #real ones will know about my weird obsession with confetti....fufilled today #im so annoyed they cut away when he did his jumpy mario thing #he does it every single time they should know this!! #so thank you to aston's insta for the clips #not my best quality gifs which is annoying but uhhhh i am under duress from myself LMAO #i need to make a brazil 2023 moodboard just from my deranged liveblogs cause my god #see you in Vegas!!! what a way to end a triple header wow. it really made the suffering in cota and mexico worth it #now old man better keep up this performance istg #but like seriously i could wax poetic about his defneding and overtaking in this race #it was actually unbelievable the level of skill he has #to defend against the superior rb19 for like 30~ laps and then to be able to overtake it with his much slower car??? chills. #has anyone gifed his overtake bcs my god i fell down #f1 #formula 1 #fernando alonso #2023 brazilian gp #we do a little bit of f1

[maledistributionsystem]

Your personhood is not evidence of an irreparable and damning perversion of some sort.

You are not dangerous for having sexual desire, you are not dangerous for remolding your body, you are not dangerous for understanding who you are and how to be happier.

You're amazing, you're brave, you're being reborn but you're still the same, you the boss of your own body in ways our ancestors thought only gods could achieve.

And you deserve peace. Go relax, man.

#autoandrophilia #force masc #forced masculinization #autoandrophile #black ftm #black masculinity #MDS Originals #got a little emotional making this one. #yeah its directed at myself #trying to get over various traumas that congratulate me for suffering and punish me for relaxing or indulging. #bc yknow. you're allowed to be happy and peaceful. dont get fooled into thinkin you always gotta be fuckin Doing Something #you'll burn out like crazy and make yourself physically ill in long lasting ways. ask me how i know. #instead find a masculine comfort in understading your limits standing firm on what they are regardless of who wants to push them. #this gonna sound silly but im fr....be steady; firm; and unyielding like a stone in this aspect. you will be better for it.

[seveneyesoup]

ngl i’m still worried. like i Do have complete faith in ncuti gatwa but what i Don’t have is much faith at all in rtd’s writing about race

#which id managed to sort of convince myself was maybe #it’s been like 15 years he’s had time to learn better #but the comment Immediately about ‘different colors’ in todays ep #and w the toymakers past. #i’m hoping for the best i really actively am but i’m hesitant #not even writing about race just writing that has anything to do w it #i will never forgive him for martha jones #and my cynicism is saying bringing dt back for three eps and specifically being pretty good about trans people and disabled people #is a good favor investment so he can keep a progressive image and get away w racism #i don’t actually believe that for the record #i’m just worried ncuti gatwa is gonna have to deal with Some Bullshit that’s gonna get blamed on him instead of rtd yk #which is bad for him bc it means a bad working environment and also like. taking the blame for something he didn’t even do #or that if he pushes back on something bad he’ll get branded as difficult to work with etc #anyway. worry once suffer twice or whatever and i think i said all this when the announcements were made #it’s just on my mind again #i want the best for the show and the people making it yk?

[madebypointlesswords]

What to do when people approach you with drugs, a lesson with Leon

Leon: What do you do when someone offers you drugs? Percival: take them! Arthur: punch them in the neck! Lancelot: say thank you! Gwaine: Offer them more drugs to assert dominance! Leon: Leon: no.

#should i make a series of leon the long suffering #maybe #maybe not #bc i have like 135 drafts #i wish i was kidding #im not #unfortunately #and i have nothing to say for myself #except maybe yeehaw #merlin bbc #merlin #merlin memes #merlin incorrect quotes #knights of the round table #bbc merlin #arthur pendragon #sir gwaine #sir leon #sir leon the long suffering #knights of camelot #merlin emrys

[puppyeared]

ive made myself more wet and pathetic

#new icon because im SUFFERING. im in HELL #its so bad. i had to sign out of discord so now im both lonely and stressed #because i KNOW im still gonna get dstracted. i just did making this URGH #how good are brains at working around things. i once set a 7AM alarm on my phone with snooze cause i was so sure my brain would #be too lazy and keep snoozing instead of actually turning it off. but nay it either kept sleeping through the alarms and snoozing #or actually managed to turn off the alarm half awake that i barely remembered it and then waking up late #i actually have a track record of climbing out of bed and turning my alarm off without remembering. which is impressive bc i have a loftbed #the other thing is setting fake deadlines so make myself panic into doing things ahead of time. but unfortunately that doesnt work either #because if theres one thing my brain will put all its energy into remembering its self assurance. meaning i WILL be able to remember #the real deadline even if i try to trick myself. cant ask someone to give me a fake deadline either #the only things keeping me going rn is that i have deadlines due at least 1 day between each other and excitement being able to talk with #crow after break. but you can see how well thats going <- ignores long term rewards in favor of short term pleasure #BTW CROW IF YOURE READING THIS IM SO SORRY TURNING OFF MY DISCORD WITH BARELY ANY EXPLANATION #im a huge fucking dumbass and i had barely enough impulse control not to block everyone in my dms because i realized that would send a real #really bad msg. youre not distracting me im distracting myself and i promise youre not annoying me i just really like talking to you and #thats why im just barely stopping myself from signing in. I WANT TO TALK TO U LOTS BUT AT THE SAME TIME IM KICKING MYSELF FOR DOING IT #you can be a little mad at me btw cause i definitely could have done that better but i was all over the place abt how to do it without #making u think im ignoring you. IF THAT MAKES SENSE. SORRY #yapping #doodles #puppysona #edit but last week i tried to schedule and give myself work periods and break periods using my class schedule #and reminders on my phone to tell me when to start and stop. can you guess what happened

[norstrum-art]

[Image description: Two colored full body pixel art chibis of Matoba Seiji and Natori Shuuichi from Natsume's Book of Friends depicted with cat and dog features respectively. Matoba is grinning mischievously holding a hand to his face. He is wearing a kimono with a white nagagi, a dark blue haori, and shoes of the same color. He has black cat ears, a cat tail, and a cat mouth. The background is dark red. The second image is Natori smiling grandly while winking. He has one hand to his chest while the other is thrown in the air dramatically, and is wearing a black button up under a green jacket, beige pants, and brown shoes. He has brown dog ears and a fluffy dog tail. The background is light sage green. End image description.]

like nya... like woof....... yknow??

#first pixel art. first chibi. i was suffering but i made the catboy matoba of my dreams <3 #the line between chibi and wildly disproportionate body is incredibly thin. I have so much respect for chibi artists now gfdkjg #I originally thought of catboy matoba bc of course. then was like wait... natori but dog... they could be matching besties AND I get to #make content specifically catered to a mutual. targeted post muahaha #also I'm writing this on my computer bc reasons. lots of firsts for me. not for any real reason i just drew it how i felt it needed to be #this was almost a gif but then I was too tired ehe #ok no more tags. bye bye #natsume yuujinchou #matoba seiji #natori shuuichi #natsume's book of friends #norstrume art #i lied. ALSO my first natori. not pictured: me asking myself how the fuck do i draw his hair #and lmk if I got the terms for matoba's outfit wrong i did some research but there are a few kimono types out there i was a bit confused.. #norstrum art #new art tag for new url ^_^

[oatbugs]

pls i need to provide updates

#basically yesterday night was chaharshanbe suri . which is a solar new yr tradition where we let go of the past suffering in our year #and like...start the new yr w fresh vigour . anyway so my friend was at the event and we were abt to leap over the fire #and she was like bro im im glad u blocked her (situationship) etc etc . and then. my phone started vibrating. and i look at it. and my f #friend looks at it. and its her. and were both like what the fuck?? i blocked her things r Over and anyway so i pick up the phone and shesl #acting like nothing happened (bc nothing DID happen for her) and she was like ohh ur doing chaharshanbe suri im not doing anything etc what #are ur new yr plans so i jusr .IDK WHY I DID THIS . but ig i didnt wanna come off as like lonely i said probably hanging out w family and #friends maybe reading poetry together . et cetera and she was like wait that sounds so fun why didnt u invite me! #LIKE WDYM YOUVE BEEN CONSISTENTLY MAKING IT CLEAR U DONT WANT TO BE IN MY PRESENCE . and i told her that after #everything i thought she didnt want to see me again and she was like you always think that 😐 . like. ?? ok anyway so she expects me to #invite her . and like. there is an above 0% but sub-5% chance she will actually show up . but the panic that gripped me #i started making calls to my friends asking them if they can come on the 23rd bc there must be an event and also i asked my mother #and she said actually yeah i am doing a thing on the 23rd :D it involves over 16 ppl (we live in a v small flat) of which like...7 are kids #so you wont have space to be in ur own room let alone invite others. which tbh like ...being around a bunch of loud kids doesnt seem fun fo #any of my friends or me etc so i thought maybe i should arrange things so that we all go out together and if she shows up she shows up 🤷‍♀️ #but . im so. WHY DID I SAY THAT . i had to panic-call my research partner and ask him to get from oxf to where i live on the 23rd #and when he heard the explanation he like. the light in his voice disappeared 💀 but he potentially agreed so idk #THE ISSUE IS. 23rd im supposed to also have . a date #w this girl that i had a huge crush on when i was 15-16 (posted abt this b4 but id get shitty black coffee in the mornings just to spend a #few more minuted w her each day and she was the cleverest girl in school and she cared abt nothing but her academics but now shes very gay #scraggly homosexual etc etc shes cute) and YEAH IDK #like id have to go there on the date come back fast meet ppl POTENTIALLY (again under 5%) meet situationship girl #like is that even doable #but the thing is it would be so so so funny bc all of my friends dislike her sooo much #.........what if i invited the girl im supposed to have a date w over to hang out w us #god that would be so hilarious and chaotic . i wont do it tho im a mature person x #but it would be soooo funny #I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT DUE TMRW 12:30PM IT IS 10:49PM RN I HAVENT STARTED IT bc i was rotting sadly in bed #popped a ritalin pill tho so here we go x #i have found myself in a state of such sheer agony and rage and sorrow and grief over this girl that atp i feel like #its just so entertaining . like i feel vaguely over it? ik nothing will come of it so its like just . have fun . vibe

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

im devastated. i got a microwaveable curry from costco and. its not good. Why

#I JUST WANT FLAVOR. PLEASE. THE LACK OF SPICES IN MY LIFE RN- #i didnt see that the label said 'mango' #and its unexpectedly peppery #two flavors i Do Not Like! #which is deeply unfortunate bc i can taste how good it is Under those two prevailing flavors! #i wasted rice on this.... #i thought i was about to have a decadent as fuck breakfast... #now im just sad! i miss having access to so many different places for the occasional takeout... #no thai... no indian... no chinese... no korean... no japanese... no mexican... #im Suffering out here. i can go get subway or mediocre burgers. thats pretty much it #cmonnnn american cuisine tends to be so fucking bland.... i want Flavor... where is the Flavor.... #my taste buds are crying. they're sobbing. they are Wailing #absolutely unprompted #ive started to daydream about all my favorite restaurants ive been to #brazilian barbeque... shabu shabu... my beloved chinese takeout location... korean bbq... roadside tamale stand... #farmers market bao vendor... french bakery... the place with Banger pad see ew... the sushi restaurant with awesome bento & veggie rolls... #the boba store with delicious dragonfruit bowls... mall mongolian bbq... hibachi.... tea houses... many many more... #MAN IM MAKING MYSELF SO HUNGRY #nothing in this house or in this town will satisfy me #one of my great loves in life has been taken away! Flavor! delicious food! Where Is She!

[animalpetcel]

Hey! AK EN translated the Arturia manga! I think some of these are the panels that spoke out to me

When she used her magic on her parents, esp the contrast between it. The first encounter with her mother even establishes that Arturia, with a somewhat childlike yet well-meaning understanding of the difficult situation her mother is in emotionally and decides that if her mother can do what makes her happy, that is what is most important, even if it lead to her death.

And for her father, it shows how it could look to an outsider someone who knows what her power is and fears what they would do if no longer held together by their inhibitions and society. It is obviously a terrifying thought and rejecting it is the logical(?) course of action.

Everything unfettered is not always kind and it is not always cruel. It breaks the social contract everyone agrees to follow in order to live but it is not something that I think is a purely evil action because we all know how the social contract can put the same people it exists to help into horrible binds.

Also Executor explains her motivations better then me:

she's like, an emotional hedonist whose somewhat childish beliefs would always lead to chaos bc society would never work if people just said what they felt and did what they liked but she's not pursuing this out of some malice for the world or a desire to see people succumb to chaos or pain, at least imo.

#arknights #idk if this made sense #Arturia is going to become like Ho'olheyak to me #Where I get mad at 90% of the fandom bc I think they're being blind to the reality/more interesting parts of the character #even while being aware that the game actively plays into the surface level interpretations that these people have to make money #why did I have to become obsessed with these girls? #agony and suffering #anyway I'm really excited for ZT and if I get Viviana instead of Virtousa I will cry myself to sleep bc I can't afford to miss Degenbrecher #and I am a f2p who doesn't prioritize limited banners most of the time

[yourlocaldisneyvillain]

uh, ladies? i don't feel ready to turn 27

#personal #i currently have 68 euros on my bank account bc two of my pays have been late again #upside: my rent is payed! downside: i am not sure i can currently afford breakfast ajkfdshg #and i got humiliated in an auto body shop and spilled stale mozzarella water all over myself #and got yelled at by random guys to not park literally right in front of my building #and work has been shit #and uni as well #and this is just not how i imagined my 27th birthday lol #to be fair it is tomorrow not today #but still #anyway i wanted to scream into the void #i am overworked and tired and i have been ill for over a week #and i feel like everyone is mad at me and i am continuing to make Wrong choices aaskjfdsg #i hope it is Just A Feeling #and not actual reality #adsjfhghjgfdh #anygay i have emerged to be Sad Emo uwu and now i return to my regularly scheduled suffering #pls someone tell me it's normal for your late 20's to feel like this askfjdshjgdfhjd and i can still have nice things

[hauntingblue]

Ivankov blackmailing crocodile... is this when the crocodile mama thing spun out

#but isnt it worrying that he wants to go against whitebeard when he is on ace's side #crocodile got his outfit on already damn #jewels already #the mid episode thingies make me miss the crew.... i miss you franky.... i miss you robin.... i miss you nami.... #ace is looking so beautiful strapped in that chair..... #so urethral #looking at the clouded sun... #luffy looks so much like a boy now #idk what they did to him but considering the situation it just makes it worse...... my liddol boy suffering..... #the prison guards are being subjected to such horrors... and i know theyre not paid well #oh mr 1...... of course......... crocodile dont you fucking dare fuck this up #WHY are people commenting that they think crocodile was a woman before and thats his secret. i though you guys were joking #like hello crocomom is plausible???? what the fuck #like me thinking luffys mom must be beautiful bc he doesnt look like his father AT ALL. but he doesnt look like his other father either lmao #well we havent seen him before so idk but..... #that is such a wild plot to keep luffys mother a secret lmao #anyways if ace knew the alliances luffy is making to get him out. like if he knew anything at this point.... like look how much he loves you #i am making myself suffer atp. ill stop lmao #talking tag #watching one piece #episide 443 #fuck chapter 22 out of 35 (i think) i cant do this

[skitskatdacat63]

Boy King Seb :D

#thank you to Grace for the idea of making his chivarly collar red bull instead <33333 #he was gonna have both collars but then making that one made me suffer so no not today #this was a lot of fun but also made me suffer. but i keep looking at it and being like AAAHHHHH BABY!!! BABY BOY!!!!!!! #can you believe i tried to do this in one night? i cant #i stopped and came back to it and was like 'no way you could do this in one sitting at 1 am' #this is kinda the ascended form of that very first sketch i made for this au! concentrated boy king sebby!!! #i say to myself i need to take a break from drawing complicated things but youll prob see a nando version of this in less than a week ;;; #okay about the drawing(i wrote good tags and then tumblr deleted them so these are a bit inferior AGH): #this is typical pouty seb but is also referenced off a specific pic from AD 2009(beloved) #its very important to me how emotionally open Seb is. im not sure the specific context of this. maybe after a triumph? #but instead of being that typical stoic serious detached kind of ruler; i like him being openly emotional(think AD 2010) #its important as well for his dichotomy with nando and how they choose to portray themselves #seb is very assured in himself and his rule vs. nando who is more insecure and bitter about his #so nando takes strides to portray himself in that more stoic calculating way bcs he feels like it helps him legitimize himself better #whereas seb has absolutely no care for outward public image and shows how he feels and is loved for it(nando hates it but loves it) #not that nando cant be fun and whimsical!! but to me he always seems a bit more mysterious; like i can never tell his true thoughts tbh #anyways i feel like ill finish 10 more drawings before i end up posting the lore pt 2 LMAO #its just a lot harder to organize and layout compared to part 1 which was just an explanation #pt2 would be a mix of more world building/characterization/anecdotes ive talked about with mutuals(LOVE YOU GUYS!!!) #i have a *lot* of ideas (gotta whip out my notes app every once in a while to write down stuff abt it) just hard to put into a coherent pos #sebastian vettel #f1 #formula 1 #f1 art #formula 1 art #f1 fanart #formula 1 fanart #catie.art. #*ill prob make a process post later if anyone is curious!! its fun to write abt my process and influences and such #boy king au

[mattodore]

made this just for him <3

#river dipping #matthias evanoff #theodore doe #a burning house to live in #echthroi #ts4 #blender #back in blender so much faster than i thought i would be bc fixing the clipping for the muzzle and sunglasses was pretty painless #like. same thing with matthias's custom skin tone! i made it ww compatible just the other day like it was EASY. why'd i put it off fr 😭 #but now i must once again suffer through the slings and arrows of trying to make this pose look right in blender #it's like....................... incredibly difficult to make it look like he's resting his head on theo's leg like i cannae get it right #which i'm pretty sure is the fault of their height difference....... i'll have to either remodify matthias's torso so he's shorter #or maybe just move him down and not care abt the fact that he won't actually be sitting in the chair he's on anymore #orrrr i might just save it like this and export and then reimport and see what i can achieve the old fashioned way #i have to remind myself that i go crazy w/ spot heal patch and liquify like i could probably just fix anything that's messy w/ ps

[boyywithluv]

.

#having a creative rut feeling #gonna rant #im basically a giant baby and i don't handle angst very well #and i constantly worry that im just. idk mentally weak or a deeply uninteresting person bc of it. #every big fantasy artist i see is usually very into making sad or angsty pieces and like i wish i was like that #like i fall into this mental hole very very often that im just holding myself back with how many subjects i dont write or draw #but also like when i DO write dark subjects it doesn't make me feel any better?? #i dont like feeling sad or angry bc once i am its extremely hard to get back out of it. #and thats scary for me. #but also i want to make art that means something instead of my nonestop slew of smut and feelgood content. #i genuinely feel so trapped by my own emotions and its sp frustrating. #i keep getting told how good for you it is to get the negative feelings out but it never helps when i do it #i just feel. worse? i dont feel good. #i kinda wanna delete the one cloud post bc it just doesn't feel good. #ugh #idk i want to have good intelligent things to say and thoughtful art to make #and everything i make feels soft and cheesey and lame. #not that i find those things lame #but just that it feels like im stuck in baby brain. #when i was a teen i would write horror stories!!! i still love horror!!! #but if i make someone suffer in fic now it feels me with this awful awful overwhelming sense of dread and guilt and i end up so upset #im frustrated at me bc this is such a fucking weird sensitivity to have. im tried of telling myself its okay #bc i WANT to feel mentally free enough to create shit that isnt just uwu soft. #i don't think im making sense but like. #you know #I've literally been bullied out of fandom spaces for only making soft content #multiple times. #so idk maybe this is a learned sense of shame #but i feel like a big over sensitive baby and like I'd be able to do so much more if i wasn't #vent ish