#bc most of my life i felt like would rather kill myself than be embarrassed

[jestroer]

One important life lesson Hermits have taught me is that being embarrassing is not the end of the world.

#IT SOUNDS LIKE A ROAST it kinda is #but also fr all of them are so embarrassing sometimes like REALLY embarrassing but it doesn't feel like a big deal for them #bc most of my life i felt like would rather kill myself than be embarrassed #but now im like you know #if these guys are alright im fine #watching scar makes you immune to embarrassment although there are plenty good examples for all of them #do you get what im saying #shitpost #hermitcraft

[sugarandspice-games]

Okay, so I finally got through Saeran's good ending, I might go back and play the normal and other bad endings later if I feel like it, but as that was an emotional rollercoaster, I need some time to recover. But I'm going to put my full review under the cut.

Will I be releasing my rewrite outline at this point (though not really a rewrite, since I made it before the AE was ever released when I was drunk and salty at the lack of news)? I'm not sure. I wasn't 100% satisfied, but we'll call it a good 65% as I feel like there was more I liked than I hated. I'll leave that decision up to my dear readers, whether or not they want to see it. (Though there are only like... 8 of you here and I know you're probably here for Obey Me content and not MysMess)

I do plan on playing the Jumin Bad End DLC, but I may not liveblog it as I haven't really heard good things. This seems like another ploy for fanservice, but I do want to get more lore about Jumin's backstory, and honestly... I'm gay and want to see those sexy CGs. That being said... this is the last I will discuss the canon material on this blog, and it may be the last time I engage with the canon material (as I believe cheritz has announced that this is the finale anyway, and will no longer update the game). I will most likely continue to create fan content for it, as Sugar and I have our own sort of... fanfic thing going on with the characters and our OCs. But this is a personal and huge special interest of mine, and rather than go through everything and pick it apart for the rest of my days... I want to leave the game and the characters I love so much with only my happiest memories. They'll live on in my heart.

But I digress... here is my semi-condensed review. Sugar may talk about it as well, though I do not speak for them. THIS SHOULDN'T NEED TO BE SAID BUT HERE THERE BE SPOILERS. DO NOT READ IF YOU DID NOT COMPLETE THE GOOD END OF RAY'S AE.

The Good:

Saeran. Saeran was the best thing about this route. His character development was beautiful, and every time I saw him, I felt my heart swell with pride and love. His new sprites are so adorable as well as his beautiful CGs, and he looks healthier and happier in a lot of them. He's grown to be such a loving, gorgeous, wonderful man despite everything that happened in his painful life, and his story is nothing short of inspirational. I have a lot of love for Saeran, I have from the moment I saw him but this route really drove it home for me. He will have a special place in my heart among my fictional loves that can never be replaced.

Jumin Jumin Jumin! Jumin was one of the absolute MVPs this route, he was doing the most and boy... I just want to hug him. Even though he was in horrendous pain he was doing the absolute best he could to help everyone. He's been a love of mine for a long time, and that love only grew in this route. I was also glad to meet Driver Kim and see the interaction between him and Daddy Han Sr. (Because obviously Juju is the junior Daddy Han lol)-- even though I have mixed feelings about the Chairman, it makes me happy to see Jumin getting the caring he deserves from his father. And the fact that he even turned his back to let Jumin express his emotions without feeling embarrassed... Fucking killed me.

They did Rika right this go around. Yes, she got off to a really rough start, but she was very human and bearable here... and complete with her realizing her wrongdoings and working to right them in the end. It was a gorgeous arc, I'm so happy for her. I have a love hate relationship with her character, as she used to be a very badly written villain IMO... but one of the good things about Another Story in general is that it gave her depth that she didn't have before. And if they wanted to redeem her, they 100% did it right here, even if she had a rough beginning and had to make mistakes to get to where she was. I thought it was very human. Good on you, cheritz.

Vanderwood got a lot of good interactions here, and I'm really happy they gave us more Van content. Even if we're not getting a route for him, it's enough to me to finally see him expressing the affection we all know that he holds for Saeyoung, and working to help him.

The twins finally get to be happy! Need I say more?

Everyone doing well in their lives made me really happy too... most of the other routes had this problem where if one person got to be happy, someone else would have to suffer in exchange. I'm so glad that everyone got a happy ending.

The new chats made me extra emotional... I'm not sure why, to be honest, I think I'm just happy to see everyone again. It had been such a long time since I played Mystic Messenger, and talking to everyone again just like old times felt like returning to a childhood home (though I was 19 when I discovered this game initially, haha). I cried a lot, which is extra weird for me since I don't tend to cry in general.

Yoosung loves Saeran soooo much... in fact, everyone does. It made me happy, bc I was initially worried that he wouldn't have made friends with the RFA or that it would be awkward, but seeing everyone loving him and him being sweet back to them was adorable. Jumin also loves him and you can't change my mind (though maybe that's my wishful thinking of being in a Jumin & Saeran sandwich talking...)

So many good messages in this AE, and they hit very personally. I came to the same realization last year, that in the end, nothing in life matters except love, since you can't take anything else with you when you die. I shan't elaborate more!

Everyone's voice acting was so good! It was so beautiful and emotional, I could feel it through their voices. I usually skip the voice lines since I read so fast, but I'm happy I didn't.

The Bad:

Oh Jihyun... what have they done to you? I know I said he wasn't OOC and I stand by that, but it really feels like the writers hated him this AE. Even his sprite looked so awful and blurry. And he didn't get any good realization that he deserved better or anything, the literal cult leader and prime fucking minister got to be redeemed when he didn't. What the actual fuck. Sugar will definitely have more to say about it, and probably in a more articulate way, but let it be known that I don't like it either.

Furthermore, even if it's not OOC, it's structurally sloppy for him to come to some realization only to stay the exact same as he's always been. And same with Rika too. As I said in a previous post, having them both go through these realizations only to make them the villains again really felt like beating a dead horse. What can I say except AAAAAAAAA. WHAT THE FUCK?

Again, I must reiterate... why'd they make it so you have to be a bitch to Rika to get the good ending? I get that it's probably wish fulfillment for some people in the fandom, but it isn't for me. I really don't have any desire to berate or insult her bc in the end she needs serious help (even if I wanted to throw hands with her sometimes), and if the point was to call her on her misbehavior... some of it went too far (looking @ the "Don't stab Saeran's eyes out!" choice. I didn't like that at all, especially since it felt like you were making fun of Jihyun's trauma.) It especially made the end of her arc fall flat when she's like "Thank you for being kind and trying to understand me..." like, gurl... the game didn't let me do that without making me bad end! Jeez.

Also, literally why was it necessary to redeem the prime minister? He's a monster who tried to murder his own children. It's okay if they needed that scene where Saeran and you tried to understand him, but having him actually come around made no sense... why would he want to listen to you or Saeran when we've seen time and time again that there isn't really any good in him? He's just not a good person. And no, I'm not saying this because I wanted him to die or anything! ...Okay, maybe I did. Fuck that guy. I hate him. (Also the whole "you're only this way because you're lonely!" was so corny, I didn't choose those options but gjkgkgkfk)

The Ugly:

Have y'all heard about how much I hate the agency Boss? I hate him so much... I want to drown him in the toilet. I want to feed him taco bell laced with laxatives. I want to-- anyway, I digress. Not classifying this under bad because cheritz did their job by making him hateable and oh boy, did I hate him. He made me want to barf. I also commend his voice actor for somehow making me feel greasy through the screen. Seriously, dude, hats off to you. You are a genius.

That's about all I have to say for now... you can peruse my talk tag if you want to see any of my other thoughts on this game, but they don't tie into the good and bad. Despite the flaws, I enjoyed myself this route and I'm happy I played it. Even though there will always be things to improve upon in this game... I'm happy I picked it up, and I'm happy I met everyone. I would write them all letters or something but that'd be kinda corny since they're just game characters and won't see it anyway, and I know I'm not the only nor am I the most attractive MC out there... so this is Spice, signing out! Byebye, Mystic Messenger. You'll always have a special place in my heart.

All of the... weird horniness between Rika and Saeran made me feel grossed out. Her having him in a collar with a leash, and the game options that insinuate she has a thing for him... ew ew ew. Please stop it. That shit is so disgusting and I'm going to puke.

@ Both Saeyoung and Saeran: stop fucking trying to die all the time! Seriously! Let me love you and want to save you, when will you get it through your thick skulls that one gay ass MC who loves you very very dearly would NEVER be happy if you died? AAAAAAAA

#ray ae spoilers #mysmess #mystic messenger #ray after ending #spice talks #mysme salt

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #280

“this is the place in our mind with a crooked crown / we came to execute its own perfect shutdown”

Do you have a strong local accent? No. Do you prefer green or red grapes? Red, but either is fine so long as they’re crisp. Can you stand on your hands unassisted? pffff Who was the last person to knock/ring at your door? Pizza guy. How old were you when you last went trick or treating? No idea. Have you ever been bobbing for apples? ”No. That’s a gross game lol you’re dipping your head and mouth into water other people are dipping their head and mouth into.” <<<< This. What’s your most expensive piece of clothing? No clue. What’s the last thing you took a picture of? Guys I actually took a selfie bc for once in my goddamn life, I felt really pretty with the makeup Summer did on me. She's working towards a degree in cosmetology and is so talented with it. What’s the last thing you drew a picture of? A meerkat pup. Have you ever been on a pogo stick? Omg, yes. I got one for I think Christmas one year as a kid and I got SO into it. I learned how to do it really well. Can you down a pint (of anything) in one? Probably not without throwing up. Have you ever been banned from a public place? No. Have you ever been in a newspaper? A couple times, I think. I know once in elementary school for when I was in chorus; we went somewhere for a small Christmas show. Then I believe I was in it for another school thing? Idr. What football team do you support? I don’t care for football or sports in general. What did you want to be when you grew up? My phases included paleontologist, vet, movie director, author, game designer, aaaand I know I’m forgetting one. But my current and long-term goal has been to become a photographer. Being an artist as a free time “job” has always been an aspiration, too. Have you ever tie-dyed your own clothes? In school, yeah. How often do you buy new clothes? Very rarely. Usually just around Christmas or my birthday from gift cards I get. Are you reliable? In some ways yes, in other ways no. Are you proud of yourself? No. If you could ask your future self one question what would it be? If she’s ended up happy. Do you hold grudges? Nah. Do you decorate the outside of your house for Christmas? Mom does pretty much last minute, but only sometimes when looking at the past few years. Can you solve sudoku puzzles? Sure, they’re fun. What’s the most unusual conversation you've ever had? Who knows. Are you much of a gambler? Not at all. I don’t fuck around with money, especially when just $5 makes you feel great. Have you ever been to Disneyland? I’ve been to Disney World. Do you sing in the shower? Very rarely. Almost never now that I don’t play music while I’m in there. As a child did you ever suck your thumb or fingers? I mean probably? I do know I loved my pacifier and was SO upset when Mom’s doctor or someone playfully told me I was gonna have to give it up because my upcoming baby sister would want to steal it, and guess what? Nicole never fucking used a pacifier so I was tilted lmao. What time do you usually go to bed? Lol BRO it can be as early as 7 PM on bad depression days to as late as like, 2-3 AM. I’d say the average time is like… 9:30. What's your favorite animal? MEERKATS hngggggggggggggggg Have you ever been in marching band? No. Do you have any enemies? No? At least I don’t consider anyone to be. Have you ever been a cheerleader? As a kid, Mom wanted me to so I could do something with my sisters, who were actually interested in cheerleading. She certainly didn’t force me to or anything, I just agreed to it despite not being into it. We were with this Christian sports group for a long time doing various sports all the while being taught lessons in Christlikeness. I’ve actually got warm memories of it Did you ever date anyone on the football team? No. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? No, not that I’m against the idea tho. The plushy would just have to be very special to me and also comfortable to hold. How many consecutive days have you ever missed of school? I missed an entire week when I learned about Mom’s cancer. I could barely function. With how much school stressed me, I would NOT have managed. Have you ever been pregnant? No, not in my to-do list. When was the last time you wanted to speak out, but couldn’t? I’m sure it was recently over Facebook; most times, I keep my mouth shut over political things on there that might get me fired up because I’m afraid of confrontation. Are fingerless gloves awesome? I love them. Wore them daily in high school. I still have some of my favorites, though I’m doubtful they still fit my hands… Would you rather be cannibalistic or die in the wilderness? Okay so I’m gonna actually go kinda in-detail, so the squeamish be warned. Realistically, I think I’d choose to die. ESPECIALLY if I was the one expected to kill another person; then, there’s no question. I wouldn’t be able to do it either if I knew the person. If it was some stranger someone else killed and cooked, I don’t know with absolute certainty; starvation really can make animals out of people. I do know for sure I’d vomit. I far more heavily lean into still preferring to die, because I just believe some things aren’t worth living after they’ve been committed. I’d hate myself. I’d rather die feeling clean of conscience. Would you survive on a deserted island? Hell no. Have you dyed your hair eccentric colors in the past? Yeah, I want to do it far more often… What size drink do you usually get at fast food restaurants? Medium, sometimes small. What do you think is the best thing in life? Love, both platonic and romantic. Have you ever sold anything online either on Craigslist, eBay, Amazon, etc.? If not, what is your website of choice like any of the above for buying things? We sold our previous dog over Craigslist, and I sold my iguana there as well. I know Mom has used eBay and Amazon, but idk for what. Have you ever seen an animal give birth? Have you ever had a pet give birth before? I’ve seen old pet cats give birth many times. What is something you want to try to accomplish within the next year? I want a job that I’m content with and can mentally handle. Oh, and I REALLY want to make strong progress on recovering from the muscle atrophy in my legs. What’s the most unusual kind of pizza you’ve ever tried? I have no clue; I’m not that adventurous with pizza or food in general. If you were given the chance to decorate an entire house the way you wanted, with no limit to cost, how would you decorate it? GOTHIC AS A MOTHERFUCKER WELCOME TO THE GOTDAMN ADDAMS FAMILY. What’s one of your favorite things to touch/feel? My cat. :’) How often do you wear tights? Ew, never. Has there ever been anything you’ve become interested in much later than other people? I guess Instagram, but only as a viewer. I don’t have a personal one, just for my photography that I only rarely post. Have you ever had a veggie burger? Yeah, during my vegetarian streak. Burger King’s really aren’t that bad so long as the patty is made well. Do you like candles? Yeah, sure. When was the last time you wore a sports bra? Forever ago when I was doing Wii Fit. Where did you get the shirt you’re currently wearing? I think Hot Topic? It’s an oversized Umbreon shirt. Who last messaged you on Facebook? My friend Summer when we were planning our lil witch photoshoot w/ friends. Who last walked you home? lol you don’t just have someone “walk you home” here. Bundles of homes are way too far and in-between for reasonable walking distance. Did you make any new friends lately? If so, what are their names and how did you meet them? Not really recently, no. Would you rather see your favorite band/artist in concert with 2 other people or have a free $20,000 shopping spree to Walmart? Seeing Ozzy with my mom would be a DREAM, but to be realistic, I’d take the shopping spree pretty damn quickly. $20k? That would do WONDERS for us, especially as we’re about to move into a new place. When was the last time you threw up and why did you? A long time ago when I started a new medication. Do you want revenge on the person who has hurt you the most? … I’m gonna be REAL honest. For the most part, no. But ngl there are times I’m like “I’m gonna work on getting back in shape and become H O T” like a petty bitch lmao this is embarrassing to admit. Has anyone ever claimed that you saved their life? Yes. Did you ever have that near-drowning experience? No. Have you ever performed on stage? For dance, yes, but I never did a solo. Are you a jealous person? Not jealous (usually), but I’ve come to realize I’m a pretty envious piece of shit. Morning person or night person? I’m in my best mood in the morning because I have the “it’s a fresh start” ideology. Then I repeat exactly what I did the day before. :^) Have you ever written a poem for someone? Numerous times. Do you meditate? No, but I wish I could without it only causing more stress. Do you like cranberries that they serve for Thanksgiving? EW I hate cranberries. What don't you understand that frustrates you? Finances. Do you plan on going to college? I’ve tried college three times and dropped out each time. I’m done trying with school. Do you believe the governments hide technology and information from the public? AbsoFUCKINGlutely. Which is your favorite Pokemon? Ninetales! What horror fiction character scares you the most? What’s the name of the villain in the Scream series? Ghostface? I don’t feel like looking it up, but he TERRIFIED me as a kid, and I still think he’s mega creepy. Were you part of the Brownies/Cubs/Scouts/Guides etc? I was in Girl Scouts. Have you ever invented a fairly unique meal or drink? No. Do you have any family secrets? Don’t think so. Do you often read your horoscope? Never. They’re bullshit. Have you ever had a proper Tarot reading? No; also bullshit. Have you ever milked a cow? No. Do you love or hate rollercoasters? They’ve always scared me because I’m afraid of throwing up. Now with how dizzy I get, I absolutely refuse to try one because I WILL faint with all the movement. What’s your favorite sportswear brand? idc Who’s your favorite superhero? Does Deadpool count? Who’s your favorite villain/baddie? If we’re still in the comics/superhero universe, the Joker. Have you ever won a giant-sized cuddly toy from a fair? No. What would you say is your favorite album of all time? Black Rain by Ozzy Osbourne. I fucking adore it; it was my introduction to metal, and still after all this time, every track S L A P S. I deadass played that CD so much that it scratches at a few points. Do you dislike hairy people? lol fuck this question. I’m guessing you’re asking if I find them attractive and not as if people I “dislike” them, but in both cases, it’s no. We’re mammals, who the fuck cares how hairy you are. Do you like your own name? I actually do really like my name. My first one, anyway. Would you ever sign a Prenuptial agreement? NOPE. Want one? You’re gonna have to find someone else willing to, my man. How long has your longest ever phone call been? No less than two hours, but I know more. I have three instances in particular where I talked with either friends or Jason for SO long. Could you ever have an affair with a married person? Hell no. What is your family Christmas like? Nicole comes here so she and I open presents with Mom, then we spend the day at my older sister’s to be with the kids. We also try to squeeze visiting Dad in there the same day, but sometimes it has to be a different one. If you met a genie who offered you three wishes, what would you wish for? (more wishes does not count) Just three is hard… but #1 is indisputably world peace, and then uhhhh the end of poverty and maybe the cure for cancer. I’d have a super hard time picking a third; so many things matter to me. Have you ever had your national flag painted on your face? No, not in my plans. Do you have any strange body things? Well, define “strange,” I guess? Nothing like, really strange. What fairy tale character would you most associate with? Can I be Snow White and attract cute critters like moths to a flame? Also I would 100% take a Good apple. If a loved one was to serenade you, what song would you most like them to sing? It would depend on the person and our bond, really. Is there a cherished song between us? What is our relationship like? There’s no umbrella song I can think of. Is your dad an embarrassing dancer? GUYS!!!!!!!!!!! My sister’s wedding, okay? Father/daughter dance? He actually has MOVES and it was incredible man, never gonna forget that. What if any unusual objects have you swallowed? Nothing, I think. If you were stinking rich, would you only go to places other rich people went? Hell naw, man. There are plenty of great, affordable places in all categories. I could be a millionaire and you’d still see my ass in McDonald’s ordering a burger and fries lmao. Have you ever owned a slinky? My sisters and I had multiple as kids; those were d o p e. Teenage parents, good, bad, or indifferent? An AWFUL idea. A teenager is physically, most likely financially, and mentally unprepared to raise a child properly. It can seriously affect the kid, and of course the parent. What’s the most expensive thing you’ve ever broken? I’m unsure. Pirate downloads, good or bad? It’s bad… yet plenty (myself included) have/do do it. Democracy, good or bad? Good. It’s very important to me that rule should come from the people’s majority versus a small coalition of rich guys. While the majority is not always right, it seems like the best option to me. Communism, good or bad? Okay so to be totally honest I actually don’t entirely understand what communism outlines. Like I just read multiple definitions and small articles and I’m still kinda like “????”, though judging by the countries listed as those governed by communism, I would guess it’s bad? Have you ever been electrocuted? On an electric fence, but it wasn’t too bad. Have you ever been hit on by someone of the same gender? Yeah. The war in Iraq, good or bad? Get the fuck out of it. To start with, I’m a pretty fierce pacifist, and just… killing and killing and killing for YEARS is so goddamn pointless and is just a massacre. The war in Afganistan, good or bad? jfc ^ Have you ever appeared on YouTube? LET’S NEVER TALK ABOUT THIS lmfao Have you ever eaten anything prepared by a celebrity chef? No,, but that’d be dope. Have you ever been on radio? No. Do you prefer male or female singers voices? ”Their gender doesn’t matter, but their talent does.” <<<< Do you have a list of things to do before your ‘x’ years old? Goals should not be judged by age. I’m bad at this and have to remind myself of it a lot. A goal is a goal regardless of a number. Celebrate for *you*. Are you proud, comfortable or ashamed of your body? Very very much ashamed. Do you know html? Super poorly. Have you ever flown first class? lol hunny What are better, violins or pianos? Violins. How old is your oldest blanket? As old as me. My baby blanket is stored somewhere. Do you take enough vacations? lol hell no. I’ve maybe gone on three vacations in my entire life. Have you ever been sick on your birthday? Yup. Then one time I was recovering from a wicked stomach virus but went to Olive Garden anyway lol. I was fine though, and it’s actually a sweet memory because Jason (he worked there at the time) got the staff to do the whole “happy birthday” thing. I got a bombin’ brownie. Who is your favorite person? Sara and my mom. What do you do to stay healthy? lol you assume I’m healthy. What is your favorite form of exercise? Swimming. Do you like going to church? I never did. As a kid, I would cry when/if Mom decided we were going to mass after Sunday school lmao. It’s always been boring and too long to me, even when I was religious. Have you ever fallen asleep during a sermon? Probably as a kid. Do you like to pray for others? No. I don’t believe anyone hears them or will intervene somehow if I ask anyway. Have you ever witnessed a miracle? No. I don’t think I believe in those anyway. Have you ever been the recipient of a miracle? Definitely not. How did you or whoever come up with the name(s) for your pet(s)? I thought “Roman” was a majestic name for a male cat, and Venus has the coloration that the planet does. Who did you last walk a dog with? Sara and I walked Buster the last time I was there. It was windy as SHIT so we didn’t get far because my ass was absolutely freezing, all the while Sara was used to it. Ride bikes with? Wow, good question. I haven’t ridden a bike in many, many years. Hold hands with? My friend Summer did yesterday when she was trying to reassure me of something. For what reason did you last high five someone? Ryder and Aubree each caught Pokemon in Pokemon GO. :’’’’) I was watching them in the car while my sister/their mom was doing something at work, and they wanted to play it; they’ve come to learn that between my phone and DS, I’m the Pokemon provider, lol. I was the proudest fucking aunt ever bc they did SO GOOD after getting the hang of throwing the ball like Y’ALL. When Ash came back to the car, I gave ‘em each high fives before getting back in. What color and type is your vehicle? Don’t have my own car. Looking to upgrade or add any time soon? I doubt I’ll have my own soon. What animal do you have the most possessions *of*, or featuring? Like, décor or stuffed animals, things like that? Not the actual living creature? Easily meerkats, holy shit do I have a collection. What do you use to wash your dishes? Gain soap. Last thing you measured? Uhhh idk. Last thing you weighed? Myself. Last song you danced to? *shrug* What do you remember from your dream last night? I just remember it was a nightmare about Dad being angry. How old were you when you got your first credit card? Lol I don’t have one. Do you talk to your parent(s) [almost] every day? Mom, yes. Dad, no, because we don’t live together. What does your shampoo and conditioner smell like? I just started using a Dove brand shampoo targeting dandruff, so I don’t think it has a specific smell. I don’t use conditioner, just adds grease to your hair, plus mine is short anyway. Last person to tell you that you smell good? Idk. Last person you told that they smell good? I also don’t know. If you smoke marijuana, what is your preferred or typical method? I’ve never touched it. Last person you ran into unexpectedly? Ummm idr. How many plants can you see right now? There’re none in my room. Last compliment you received on your appearance? HA On your character/personality? That I was a loving sister. Do you remain friends with anyone you met at your first job? N/A Who have you hugged in the past month? My mom, Summer, sisters, niece and nephew, Dad… Newest musical discovery? 3TEETH is great. Like, I'm obsessed. Their cover of “Pumped Up Kicks” snagged my attention, despite actually being iffy about it at first. Guess what I’m listening to this minute lmao. Last thing you cleaned? A cup. What exactly do you carry around all your stuff in? A purse. What do you carry around, typically? Phone, keys, wallet, hand sanitizer, and my iPod are items of note. Where is your newest scar? It’s on the palm of my left hand from Roman playing with me. Where is your oldest scar? Idk. Last thing you disposed of? The milk carton. What was the last picture someone sent you? Mom sent me a gif from Hocus Pocus to fit the witch photoshoot Summer, her friend, and I did. Did you hear a siren today? No. What do you typically drink? I would rather not pretend I tend to drink soda lmao Last bad news you heard? My aunt’s brother committed suicide a couple days ago. Last good news you heard? I don’t really know. How far away is the closest cinema from your house? It’s like, 15-ish minutes away. Have you ever been to the emergency room? Many times. Are you one of those people who can’t go without their morning coffee? Y’all know me and coffee. But in place, I have my morning Mountain Dew, rip in fucking pieces. Have you ever worn fake eyelashes? No, though I’m honestly curious what I’d look like. Do you know the story of how your parents met? If so, tell me? They were coworkers; that’s all I know. What is your favorite Chinese food? I love pork fried rice. Do you live far from your parents? I live with my Mom. I live around 20 minutes or so away from Dad. What was the last hot food you ate? I’m assuming you mean spicy as opposed to just hot as in temperature. In that case, probably hot wings. Have you ever seen a meteor shower? No. Describe your current position: I’m lying down in bed, just kinda perked up by my two pillows. Have you used a microwave today? Yes; I had a Jimmy Dean breakfast bowl. Do you prefer going out for coffee or brewing your own? N/A Have you consumed caffeine today? If so, in what form? yikes- Do you know anyone who follows a raw vegan diet and lifestyle? Not that I know of. Have you killed a bug this week? Yes; we’re dealing with a lovely mix of gnats and fleas. What was the first food you learned how to cook? Scrambled eggs. Or maybe pancakes with Mom’s assistance. Idr. Do you have a Bachelor’s degree? If so, what in? No. How many email accounts do you have? Two. Can you go see a doctor alone or do you like to take someone with you? I like my mom to be with me. How long is your average shower? 15 minutes, maybe? It depends on the routine I feel like doing. When’s the last time you had a headache? Yesterday. What woke you up this morning? I think I woke up naturally? A rare occasion nowadays. Who was the last person you cried in front of? Summer, yesterday.

#survey #quiz #questions #questionnaire

[nortnaibz]

"Bother My Askbox?" now,, what if I sent you 1-50 🤔 as a treat!! Haha just kidding.. unless. RETALIATION BITCH BOY

JFLKHSAFHDLFJDSKJF that is going to take me a hot minute 2 answer my dear but i will do the ones i haven’t already answered. just for u, gayass.

1. what color are your socks?

don’t have any ^-^ thems my feet

answered 2 <3

3. what is something you regret in the past month?

well there is a lot but not buying halloween candy sooner especially

4. do you believe in love at first sight?

nnnnnnope

5. when was the last time you wrote someone a letter on paper?

i always had to write thank you notes for xmas and birthday gifts as a kid so probably one of those? for an actual written letter it’s been at least a decade

6. how old were you when you first learned how to ride a bike? who taught you?

i......sighs i never learned how to ride a bike bc i went over the handlebars of one when i was like 4 and then never got back on one -_-

7. do you get along with your parents? why or why not?

complicated bc i’m the queer kid next question

8. what’s your favorite season?

fall!!!!!! even though we don’t really have it here

9. do you currently like someone?

well you know the answer to this sir......i’m perhaps a little gay for my girlfriend

10. have you ever used a ouija board?

yes i have on multiple occasions and nothing happened

11. what’s the last song you sang?

prisoner by dance gavin dance listening 2 it on repeat while i rank xd

12. what’s your favorite scent?

rain on pavement!!!!!!!!!!!

13. what’s your favorite urban legend?

uhhhhhhhhh? i don’t think i know any

14. what’s a bad habit you have?

i have many but i’m super clumsy and not very aware of like where i am in relation to other things so i run into shit a lot

15. what’s a strange habit you have?

i wrap my earbud cord around my neck so it isn’t dangling and in my way when i walk places 

16. what’s the first instrument you learned to play?

if you wanna be technical i learned to play flute for a very brief period in 4th grade but i hated it. so guitar!

17. how would you describe your type?

uhhhhhhh good question people who are nice to me <3 and most men

18. would you rather stay in or go out?

for the most part stay in but i usually hit a point after awhile of being home too long where i Need to leave the house lol

19. what was the last thing you said to your mom?

bye after i called her yesterday lol

20. do you want to get married someday?

not traditionally but yes

answered 21 and 22!

23. what’s an embarrassing thing that happened this week?

i had to answer a phone call at work abt the pet section which i know nothing about and the lady was clearly kinda annoyed and when i told her we didn’t sell kennels in the store (and that yes, i had checked) she said thank you and i. didn’t say anything else. i like forgot to speak and she just hung up and i felt so stupid for it ksdfjksdfhjk

24. when was the last time you went sledding?

it’s been at least a decade iirc 

25. have you ever/do you like someone you know you can never be with?

yes........ *picture of norton campbell*

26. do people often mispronounce your name?

nope

27. would you like to live in another country?

absolutely! when this country inevitably falls apart in the wake of the 2020 election i will be contacting my stoner friends in canada and moving up there at my earliest convenience <3

28. do you like to watch ghost hunting shows?

i never have but i would probably find them entertaining

29. who was the last person you said i love you to? 

kei my friend kei my best friend kei <3 before that either my mom or my girlfriend lol

30. what’s something you’d like to be better at?

playing guitar!!!!! i wanna get back into it so bad i just don’t know where my picks are rn

31. have you ever stayed up to talk to someone who was sad? 

oh sure i have it’s been awhile though

32. what was the last thing you cooked?

scrambled eggs the other day ^-^

33. do you think you would make a good parent?

absolutely not and i will never have kids unless i decide to adopt after getting help 4 my issues and assuring that i could actually be responsible for another human life 

34. do you have trouble sleeping at night?

nah i have issues w waking up in the middle of the night sometimes but other than that i’m good

35. where is your best friend right now?

i don’t have one best friend one is at work one is in his home i presume and the other is at college <3

36. how long does it take you to get ready in the morning?

depends but usually like 20 mins? i don’t do makeup or anything so i can be ready in ten if i need to be

37. how late do you usually stay up at night?

until 10 or 11 lately!

38. when was the last time you cried and why?

uh good question i have shit memory but a few days ago over life stress probably lol

39. have you ever won a contest?

yes i won a costume contest in my elementary school when i was v little and i sort of won a contest to get my poetry published in my uh. sophomore year....summer between sophomore and junior year

40. can you draw well?

i can draw. the well is subjective ^_^

41. would you ever date someone you met on tumblr/the internet?

me n my girlfriend are long distance but i did not meet her on tumblr i think if i ever date someone on tumblr you all should require an essay from me on why it is an okay thing to do. i love my mutuals but some of the people on here...well you know

42. what was the last thing you ate?

snickers!

43. do you think you’re/you’d make a good boyfriend/girlfriend?

ehhhhh i mean i’m certainly better than i used to be but tldr no. but i have issues so take that as you will

44. have you ever had a near death experience?

as in i physically came close to death and survived, no. but i was in a car crash a few yrs back that if anything had happened differently it could’ve killed us

45. what do you think people think of you?

idk i have a hard time reading intention and like. opinions of me? i think everyone puts up with my shit and wishes they didn’t have to lol

46. what is your middle name and do you like it?

my middle name is rowan and i love it cause i picked it myself i have no other middle names and i never have <3

47. are you close with either of your parents?

nnnnnnot really!

48. do you like yourself?

well i am the sexiest motherfucker alive but also i hate myself. i’m incredible and deserve better but also am horrible and deserve nothing. i’m the best and the worst at the same time <3

49. state five facts about your appearance

uhhhh my hair’s red, i’m short as fuck, i have blue eyes, i always wear hairties around my wrists, and i uhhhhh like wearing long sleeves. does that count??

50. state 5 facts about your personality

hm well i have no idea who i am as a person but? i’m creative, i like video games, i’m a pessimist, i spend a lot of time thinking/daydreaming, and i’m gay! the end <3 <3 <3

#asks #kei tag #food mention #parent mention #q slur #ummmm if i missed anything let me know n ill tag it! #long post

[jordanmu]

TAGGING: Harper Elliott, Wesley Harrison.

LOCATION: Wesley’s apartment.

TIMEFRAME: 2/16, evening.

WARNINGS: None.

NOTES: Incomplete Discord bc we’re lazy. Harper visits Wesley randomly and gets a little afraid he’s with someone else. Turns out he’s just a nerd.

HARPER ELLIOTT

Even though Harper should've probably remembered Wesley's streaming schedule, she just... didn't. Her life was incredibly hectic - from practice, working out, interviews and photoshoots, it felt as if it never stopped. She was constantly doing something, and all she wanted to do was hang out with Wesley. The two of them had slowly started getting close with one another, and Harper couldn't help but really start to feel something for him. After working out for two hours and a long hot shower, Harper made her way over to Wesley's apartment. She hadn't spent too much time at his apartment, but she figured that the two of them were slowly getting closer, and maybe it was a little much to show up out of nowhere, but Harper was nothing if not confident. She finally arrived at his door, knocking on it and hoping that he wasn't busy. Or even worse, that he wasn't with another girl. Harper hadn't thought about that, and then she thought that maybe she should've texted beforehand. Even so, she waited for Wesley to answer the door -- hopefully.

WESLEY HARRISON

Even though he was exhausted from being on his feet at the Nike store for what seemed like forever, Wesley knew that he was expected to stream tonight... even if he may not have wanted to. He'd sent out a tweet during his lunch break, asking what they wanted to see him play and the majority voted for a play-through of a game he had been putting off for months. And so, Wesley found himself on Saturday night slowly drinking a beer and playing Detroit: Become Human. Because he'd gotten into the game - why hadn't he played it before? - he didn't hear knocking on the door for a moment, eyes widening when he realized someone was actually at his door. Had he ordered something online and forgotten about it? After pausing the game and telling his viewers that he'd be right back, he quickly scrambled to the door, knocking over an empty beer bottle in the process and wincing as it almost shattered all over his floor. That was close. "Harper!" He exclaimed with a smile, looking back and making sure that the beer bottle hadn't, in fact, broken. "Hey! What're you doing here?"

HARPER ELLIOTT

As soon as Wesley opened the door to his apartment, it seemed like his was paying attention to something going on in his apartment. Harper realized suddenly that this definitely was a bad idea, and he most likely had another girl inside. It was Saturday night, and it had been silly of her to think that she was the only girl that he was talking to. He was a famous video game streamer, after all, and Harper knew that some girls went absolutely crazy over that. Harper frowned when he asked what she was doing there, feeling as if she was interrupting something. "Oh, I'm sorry.." She apologized, motioning back towards the parking lot, already turning around. "I thought I'd just stop by and say hi, you know? But if you're busy, that's fine. I can just be on my way." The two of them had only just started talking recently, so of course it wasn't something that she was going to hold against him -- though, it was upsetting, because she did really enjoy his company.

WESLEY HARRISON

"No! Harper, wait." Wesley took a step forward, grabbing her hand in his and leading her back to his apartment then closed the door behind them. He picked up the beer bottle from the floor and hastily placed it on the kitchen counter then motioned for her to follow him into his second bedroom, which he'd turned into his gaming room. "I'm in the middle of streaming" he explained, waving at the camera and chuckling to himself as he read the chat, his viewers growing impatient with him because he wasn't online. "Hey guys" he said after grabbing his headset and picking up his controller, "I've a beautiful girl here. While I would love to continue making terrible decisions and almost getting Connor killed, I think it's best if we pause for the rest of the night, yeah? I'll make it up to you by streaming tomorrow some time in the afternoon. How's that?" He read the chat, looking over at Harper with a sheepish smile; if he'd known she was coming over, he wouldn't have started streaming in the first place.

HARPER ELLIOTT

As soon as Wesley grabbed Harper’s hand, she felt at ease and all thoughts of another girl in his apartment faded away. He pulled her inside his apartment and she chuckled happily, just genuinely wanting to spend some time with him. Harper wanted to get to know him better, and if that meant talking on the couch for hours — she would most definitely do that. She stood by and watched with an amused grin as he apologized to his stream. She didn’t judge his job at all, impressed that he was doing something that he loved and was passionate about. Harper gave a wave towards his camera, and then stepped off frame as he finished up saying goodnight to his stream. “You know,” Harper frowned, taking a step towards him, slowly taking his gaming headphones off of him and setting them down gently on his desk. “You didn’t have to do that, you know. I could’ve come back another time. I just wanted to see you.” Harper paused, hoping that it wasn’t too much. They just recently only started talking to one another, so she didn’t know if that was okay just yet. “Is that weird? To show up randomly?”

WESLEY HARRISON

"Ah, they'll manage" Wesley replied, waving off her comment about coming over another time  - if she was there, he was going to focus on her and not streaming. Besides, he'd already promised them tomorrow; they couldn't get greedy. He feigned being deep in thought at her question, though almost immediately shook his head as he wrapped his arms low around her waist. "I'd rather have you here right now, you know" he replied simply, trying to ease her worries, "and it's not weird. Frankly, I probably would've done the same had I not been streaming tonight." He paused, remembering how she'd acted when he first opened the door, and looking at her curiously as his lips pulled downward into a small frown. "You were a little... upset when I opened the door, weren't you? I hope I didn't give you the impression that I was doing something - or someone - else in here."

HARPER ELLIOTT

“Really?” Harper asked, a smile tugging at the corner of her lips when he said that he’d rather spend time with her. It made her feel good, and she couldn’t help but want to reach up and kiss him. Instead, she was caught off guard by his question, hoping that he would’ve just written off her leaving like it was nothing.”I thought there might’ve been someone in here,” Harper told him honestly, wrapping her arms around his neck and tugging him a little bit closer. It was nice to stand like this with him, and Harper thought that she could get used to being in his arms. “And I wouldn’t be upset if there was. You know.. I just didn’t didn’t know if you were talking to anyone else.” It was a little bit embarrassing, but she actually would’ve been quite upset. She found herself really enjoying spending time with him, and kissing him? Even more so. He was a breath of fresh air and exactly what Harper needed, which is possibly why the thought of him talking to someone else sucked.

WESLEY HARRISON

Even though Wesley knew he had been acting a little shifty when he opened the door for her, he didn’t think her first thought would be that he had a girl there with him. In a way, it kinda made sense, though. They hadn’t really defined what was happening between them - it was casual, teetering on the verge of serious but with no true definition. Of course she’d figure that as a single guy, he was keeping his options open. The thing was, though, that he wasn’t that kind of guy. His father had been like that, apparently, and he didn’t want to be messing around for the hell of it. “I’m not talking to anybody else...” he said softly and slowly, so she would understand him better, “just you. I promise.” Wesley then kissed the tip of her nose, hoping she would believe that. “I’m sorry for making you think that.”

HARPER ELLIOTT

Harper couldn’t help the smile on her face as Wesley promised her that she was the only one he was talking to. She nodded, keeping her eyes trained on him. They hadn’t ever been able to have the conversation of how serious things were. At least they were on the same page of not talking to anyone else. Harper shrugged, pressing their foreheads together, their lips barely brushing together. “It’s okay. But, if you were curious..” Harper trailed off, kissing him and letting it linger for a moment, sighing happily. It was nice to kiss him after the week she’d had, honestly. “I’m only talking to you too.”

WESLEY HARRISON

The thing was that Wesley was sure Harper could be seeing a number of other guys or girls instead of him. She was attractive, an athlete, and about to head to France to compete in the Women's World Cup. Though he knew that women's football wasn't as popular as men's, he also knew that the Americans cared a whole hell of a lot more for their women's team than their men's. All in all, she was a catch. And what was he? A guy who worked at the Nike Store? A video game streamer? He wasn't exactly blowing the socks off of people with his career choices. "You could be, though" he whispered, feeling slightly insecure, "and... look at you. I wouldn't blame you if you were." But, he smiled, thankful that she wasn't talking to others and was instead just talking to him. "I'm a bit selfish, though. I'm glad you aren't since I kind of want you all to myself."

HARPER ELLIOTT

"I could be, yeah," Harper chuckled, thinking of all the different men and women who tried to talk to her. It happened quite often, but most times it was only because they liked the fact that she was a semi-popular athlete. Wesley liked her exactly for who she was, and that's what she liked about him. She couldn't hide her blush when he complimented her, rolling her eyes as if it didn't really get to her that much -- even though it is. Harper kissed him again happily, glad to know that the two of them were on the exact same kind of page. "You can have me all to yourself," she muttered against his lips, feeling silly for believing that he was the kind of guy to talk to several girls at once. Then again, Harper was used to athletes and most of the time they were anything but sweet. Wesley Harrison, however, was on a whole different level. "So now that I've officially crashed your job..." Harper scrunched her nose, taking his hand in her own. "Is there anything we can do?"

WESLEY HARRISON

"All to myself?" Wesley asked, smiling as he pulled away slightly so he could look at her, knowing she was being honest and that she wasn't hanging out with anybody else - just him. His smile grew before he leaned in to kiss her again, his lips lingering for a moment before pulling again once more. At her words, Wesley chuckled and squeezed her hand, biting his tongue as to not say a dirty comment. It wasn't the time. "Well, I'm thinking we could order some takeout and watch a movie, yeah? The Chinese around here is bloody brilliant, but so is the deep dish pizza. I'm honestly okay with either, so you can choose whichever sounds best." He hummed, lips pursed as he feigned being in deep thought. "And then once the movie's over, I'd like to kiss you quite a bit. Or during the movie, I'm not picky." Wesley paused, looking around because she had said once upon a time she didn't know much about video games. "I can teach you how to play as yourself on FIFA too, how's that?"

HARPER ELLIOTT

It seemed as if Wesley was more than happy to spend the evening with her, and Harper found herself grinning at the thought of spending a lazy night in with him. “Yes, yes. To all of that, really.” She chuckled, taking his hand in her own and interlocking their fingers. It was nice to be able to start a relationship from the very beginning. It felt new and refreshing. “I’m feeling Chinese tonight. Though, to be honest.. I’d probably always choose Chinese, no matter what.” Harper shrugged, quirking her eyebrow when he mentioned that he’d like to teach her how to play video games. She wanted to know more about his world, and playing as herself would be more than amusing. Harper kissed the corner of his mouth, smiling softly. “And you know, I’m okay with kissing you whenever. Before the movie, during, after..” She trailed off, finally catching his lips in yet another kiss. “And then some more after that. Especially if you’re going to be beating my butt in video games all night.”

#alexsmu #harper. #harper x wesley. #ft: harper x wesley. #harley x 001.

[kayliemusing]

11

1. What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel? - Telling them how I feel. I feel like it’s hard to look into people’s eyes when they’re telling me how they feel too because I get nervous or blushy.

2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry? Do you still feel the same way? - The last time I was really angry was when I was fighting with my sister’s trash boyfriend (soon to be ex). I was angry because he’s a narcissist, immature, mooch, liar, disrespectful, abusive, toxic and he was purposely talking at my sister and me when we were trying to gather her things and he was also sitting on the phone with his mom and purposely saying things loudly like: “Oh yeah! HUGE burden lifted off my shoulders!” I just hate him, so yes I still feel the same way and if I could kill him I would. If I end up on the show Women Who Kill, now you know why. (Don’t get me started on his mother sitting on the other line listening to him berate his girlfriend and then coming up a week later and acting like her best friend)

3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call? What do you tell them? - My mom. I’m probably crying on the phone but I would tell her I loved her and how much I respect her and appreciate everything about her and then I would probably pray on the phone with her.

4. You are at the doctor’s office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid? - I would probably tell people, tbh because I’d probably be writing about it. With my remaining days, I’d probably spend so much time with my family and I’d be praying and in my bible a lot. I feel like I would be scared, but I also know where I’m going when I die and who I’m going to see so there would be a peace about it.

5. You can have one of the following two things. Which do you choose? Why? Love or trust? - In my opinion, they’re the same thing. With love comes trust, and with trust comes love. To answer the question, I choose love first because I feel like I was created for love and love is so important even if it’s not platonic or romantic. It can be as simple as loving yourself or helping strangers and being kind to them. I think love is very freeing so of course I’d choose that first. There’s so much joy and freedom in love, you’d be crazy not to choose it. I feel like love opens you in a million different ways and you just become your fully radiant self.

6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you take the time to save the dogs life? Why or Why not? - Um, I saved the dogs like because I’m not HEARTLESS?! my boss can suck it and i can find a different job. also pick your battles. i’d rather save an animals life than go to work knowing i let a puppy drown bc i wanted to save my own ass. there’s other jobs out there. 

7. Would you rather be hurt by the one you trust the most or the one you love the most? - Interesting question because the person you trust the most is probably the person you love the most. I think both would hurt, but I’d go with love because I feel love can recover from hurts and it’s easy to forgive when you love someone. When it’s broken trust, it cuts and scars deeper and it takes a long time to repair that.

8. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more than just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you (or did you) do/say? - I’d probably be as considerate as I can, but I would just tell them that I don’t feel the same way. If we’re talking about my actual best friend, she is bisexual and I’m straight so there would be no way that I had feelings for her so I would tell her I appreciate her trusting me enough to tell me and being bold enough to tell me but that I don’t see a relationship between us. 

9. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give up one year of yours. Do you do it? Why or Why not? - Yes, because I feel like I’d give anything, even a moment, to have one more conversation with him. Even if it was just to look at him for one more second.

10. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend? - No, because I feel like I don’t reach out enough. I’m very introverted so I’m fine just being alone and I find I’m more comfortable that way. I love my friends, but I’m just not very proactive as a friend. I feel that way at least.

11. Does love = sex? - No, love is more than that.

12.Your boss tells your coworker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your coworker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to leave the company? Why or Why not? - It would really depend on how I felt. If I really felt like that was something I needed to do, I would. But I can’t honestly say that I would leave because I just don’t know. That’s a really tough question.

13.When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person? - A few months ago when I ended a friendship. I wouldn’t say it was super difficult to say, but I felt bad for having to end the friendship. I just had to explain that I didn’t feel like we had a connection anymore and I felt like we were only friends because we were familiar and not because there was anything truly meaningful in the friendship. I feel bad sometimes that I ended the friendship but I felt like we were going in two separate directions and when I expressed concerns about her relationship she never listened and I just kept feeling like she wasn’t who I thought she was and it bothered me to the point I just didn’t feel like the friendship was beneficial anymore.

14. What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a member of the opposite sex, you love them or that you do not love them back? - I feel like it’s harder to tell someone you love them because the stakes are higher. There’s rejection, heartbreak and humiliation that you’re risking or ruining a friendship/relationship. When you tell someone you don’t love them back, it’s hard to say because you probably don’t want to hurt them but you’re the one who gets to walk away unscathed. They’re the ones stuck with the aftermath of disappointment, rejection, embarrassment, and hurt.

15. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose? - My writing, because it’s my love and passion and dream. It would be like losing part of who I am and there are so many times i’ve considered putting it down and walking away but I never can.

16. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them. Who were they to you? - I usually say it randomly. I don’t know the last time I said it, but I do tend to say it a lot. Generally in texts or on the phone. I think the last person I told was probably my mom.

17. If there was one moment and one time in the last month what would you change and why? - This isn’t deep, but I would stop myself from saying to my mom: “Jen and I are going to the shoe company” bc now she prob knows what her present is.

18.Imagine it is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you? - My mom!!

19. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? Why or Why not? - Yes, because I’m not cruel? I would try anyway. I sort of learned CPR in grade 10 but I don’t remember much. So I would do my best but I would call 911 probably.

21.You are holding onto your grandmother’s hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? What was your rationale for making the decision? - This is a messed up question.

22. Are you old fashioned? - I don’t know. A little bit, but not really. I feel a little more progressive.

23. When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it? - Every day. If you’re only nice to people to get something back, you’re not a nice person.

24.Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why? - I guess the first one. I spend so much of my life wanting to avoid the guarantee of any kind of brokenness, but my mom has always said that if she knew my dad was going to die young and their time was limited she would still do it all over again because he was worth it. I feel like life without love isn’t a life, so I would take the broken heart just to experience love on a grand scale. I also feel like you’re broken for some time but good can come out of it, so it’s not always a tragedy.

25.If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be? - A full life. Full in the sense of love and satisfaction and dreams achieved. Like a big life.

#survey

[thatbrontide]

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest? Gene Wilder, Sam Cooke, Etta James, Sarah Silverman. All of my great-grandparents and my grandfather I never met. 

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way? I would probably love it. I would want Kristin Wiig’s career or to be a famous dancer of some sort. 

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why? All the time. I have severe social anxiety.

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you? Just being around people who  joke around well and getting good exercise, dancing to soul music. I love a strenuous workout. I would say being with someone I’m in love with, if that were available to me. 

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else? I sing nearly every day. I sang to my grandmother before she died. I think I sang Walkin’ After Midnight, or maybe Damn Shame by Jolie Holland, then remembered that she didn’t like country music and that these were sad songs, so I started doing sounding, when you stay in one syllable Enya-esquely. She seemed to like it. She was non-verbal with her eyes usually closed by that time, and raised her eyebrows and leaned into the sound. 

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want? I would want to develop mentally past 30, since at 30, you have a lot to learn. So, body. 

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die? No, but most people in my family die around 90 with dementia. I likely will get some kind of cancer, and almost certainly with get dementia if I live past 75. For some reason, I feel I may die in my sleep or in a freak accident, but not particularly strongly. 

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common. I don’t have a partner, but I dated someone who was so funny that they made me funnier and who loved to dance, someone who was as kind and kinky as I was with the same taste in the arts, and someone who was tied to land in a way that I respected. The latter was also intuitive, which I also am. 

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful? Humor, kindness, and music. 

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be? My parents should have taught us to work hard and face fear, and spoken to us about our/their emotions. They also should have gotten divorced and recognized opportunities and potential rather than acted as though we didn’t have any. I wish my mom had stood up for herself and my dad had gone to therapy. I wish I’d been raised in a city that supported creativity and had options for the kind of success that doesn’t exist in the Midwest. 

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible. ughuguughgughgughgugh

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be? I would want to write the way I used to and to have an immaculate memory. 

Set II

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know? Whether I will fall in love again, I suppose. Maybe what I’m supposed to be doing with my life. 

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it? I was raised around a can’t-do attitude. High potential and low self-esteem... You have to pretend, but I’m exhausted by pretending. Which is a cop-out; I should allow myself to exhaust necessarily. 

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life? Wisdom? I’ve never had a big accomplishment I was truly proud of, honestly. I’ve enjoyed transcending plateaus when learning drum set. I’ve liked that I treat people well even when people treat me poorly. Getting to a place at which I take things personally much less often has been good. I’ve done things I didn’t think I could do, just to do them. I’ve loved very hard, and very well. I was, at least at one time, really funny, which is important. I gained emotional maturity and a certain type of deep confidence that some people don’t die with, in high school. I cut shitty people out of my life when it was difficult. I culled parts of my personality when I wanted to. 

16. What do you value most in a friendship? kindness and humor

17. What is your most treasured memory? being in love with my first boyfriend, and the memory of my incredible friend Bud, who has passed away. 

18. What is your most terrible memory? My second-to-most-terrible memory, I suppose, is of being stalked/put in danger intentionally by my ex-boyfriend. I don’t like to talk about the most terrible thing. Or my parents just not being what I needed. They’re very different types of memories. 

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why? I would transcribe my journals and try to get them published, lol. And travel. 

20. What does friendship mean to you? This is a difficult question, I’ve found. As a kid, I didn’t understand why people were friends with each other. I was liked and always had friends, but didn’t understand why people spent time together. I felt I needed it explained to me. I also didn’t know I had the power to hurt others, so I’d stop hanging out with people when they stopped inviting me, which hurt them. 

By 13, I was suicidal and thought I was doing people a favor by not being around them. So... as an adult, I’ve had to redefine friendship, or define it for the first time, perhaps. I think it means that you try to find respite in each other. You compliment each other in a world that is mean. You’re there if you’re needed. You have boundaries that are respected. You have fun, or at least share something that makes the friendship worth your time. I think it’s simple. 

But sometimes, I hear people talk about how they have friends who are their platonic soulmates. I have had one friend whom I adore. I think he’s perfect and such a great person. But I have what’s maybe a weird relationship to feeling a certain way about people. If I think you’re awesome, I often will feel the need to leave you alone to live your life, unless I’m romantically in love. I have fallen in love with a different friend, but I didn’t find that I could be just his friend. 

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life? In the pandemic, they’re missing. I have one friend I cuddle with like every few months. I hung out with a coworker yesterday and we shook hands at one point, and I joked that it was the most physical touch I’d experienced in months. I find affection verbally lately. Texting to see how someone is doing, complimenting them. Lack of touch makes me feel creepy. It makes me understand incels. Not defend them, but understand. 

I’ve had intense, incredible love in my life for years. I’ve felt love more deeply than, I’ve learned, many people do. I had sex much better than, it seems, most people ever do, regularly for nearly ten years. That this was all before age 26 has set me up for disappointment. I’ve been trying to recalibrate to the reality of both pandemic isolation and of just being a single adult. I don’t know how to be casual. Everything has to feel intense and meaningful because that’s how sex and dating started out for me, but I have ot accept that that’s not what’s going to happen, likely. 

I made out with a Tinder date during the pandemic, and I could not get myself to fuck him. I was so... I guess protective of myself. I’ve been so stressed and insular that I’m different. I used to be flirtatious and sexually confident. I don’t care for how I’ve changed, but I was single and new to town when lockdown started. There’s only so much I can do. I require sex pretty much every day. I love to cuddle. To be deprived like this is painful, but I try to channel it into other things. 

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items. NA

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s? 

Before adolescence, I was happy. I laughed all the time, but was extremely socially anxious. I was obsessed with gender bc it felt violent and inescapable, and had a social confusion that’s akin to ASD or BPD. I became suicidal when I was 12 or 13, tried to kill myself at 17. But as a teen, I played drums, fell deeply in love, had these wonderful, hilarious, brilliant friends. Hating myself and wanting to die was mostly environmental. Suicidal ideation is all about wanting life to change but feeling powerless to implement the change. 

The warmth in my family is perhaps not obvious, but I know exactly where it is. Every single person in my family, other than my racist aunt who made my mom’s brother into a racist curmudgeon, is the nicest person. They’d die of embarrassment for hurting your feelings. They live all day from the warmth of what seems to me to be a pure, inherent respect for others. But they would probably appear cold to you due to their quietude and timidity, which are often mistaken for aloofness or narcissism.  My family deals in invisibilization of themselves, I tend to think, and thus of each other.

My mom is warm in that she compliments freely. “You look gorgeous! That dress is to die for! Mark’s a very sweet man.” She’s one of the funniest people I’ve ever met, and humor is warmth if you ask me. Both of my parents are generous, my mom codependently. They both lack boundaries. I’ve always lacked emotional trust for my parents. As far as I’ve been able to tell, they mean well. We ate dinner in separate rooms. I felt like I had to pull teeth to eke out happiness for my parents. I felt triumphant when I made my dad laugh. I tried to teach my mom to be more confident, which never worked. That is cold, to be a kid who feels the need to parent those who are supposed to parent them. It’s hard to feel close to adults you don’t trust. I feel like I was provided for and taught manners and traditions, but not exactly raised.

My parents divorced when I was 28. I have no memory of them getting along. I barely remember them constantly bickering/avoiding each other. They slept in separate rooms. My mom never gets sick, but the one time I recall her having the flu, I was maybe 12 and it was bedtime. I thought, “I’m going to have to take care of her tomorrow.” Next day, I watched my dad bring her soup and a warm washcloth for her forehead. I was shocked. 

My dad would say "sweet dreams” every night, which was his way of saying he loved us. His brother, whom I adore, and my aunt would tell me they loved me, and I always felt that they did so specifically bc they knew my dad would never. My dad’s concerned with appearances mostly, but I have memories of him, e.g., buying me a sweatshirt when I was cold or getting me VHSes to watch when I was sick. He’s distant as fuck, just wants us to marry Jews and make money and look pretty. 

Both of my parents are unbelievably naive, and both unmistakably old-fashioned (while having socialist ideals); both traits aided in my distrust and didn’t jibe with my needs. So, you separate from those you feel don’t serve you, but you still need parenting, which develops an unhealthy relationship. 

I haven’t spoken to my dad in about 5 years. I limit contact with my mom. My brother has a life that I feel I have nothing to do with, which is fine. We’re cordial. 

But warmth is in moments. I was raised to respect the elderly. That’s warm. I was raised to respect Jewish tradition. That has warmth. Tikkun olam, Jewish humor, etc. My mom’s parents had a big Christmas party every year. They made us get in groups and pick a number in the 12 Days of Christmas song to sing together. But, since they’re all Dutch and Swedish and, from what I understand, from a bourgie tradition, it’s this type of fun that’s inhibited. Inhibition, is cold. But you focus on the effort. The food, the intention of getting together, the fact that I saw my great-uncles’ faces in my mom’s cousins’. I don’t know. Maybe I don’t know what warmth is? Maybe it confuses me. One side were traumatized, quiet Easter European Jews, and the other were stereotypically stoic Swedes and Dutch people. I think of another aunt, who married in and is Irish Catholic. She’s a sweetheart, but is also cold in a nunnish way. 

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother? She’s difficult for me to be around bc she embodies powerlessness. She has a childlike joy to her, which I think she focuses on, but also sees herself as incapable. I’m positive that she has a genius IQ and could’ve been anything at all, but she drinks, smokes, and watches TV most of the time. When I was maybe 22, I took her horseback riding. She’d won horseback competitions growing up. I thought maybe it would inspire her to live life rather than sit watching bad TV. It didn’t work, but being around her makes me feel as powerless as she feels.

It feels dangerous to interact with her. I can’t be brought down to feel as though I’m nothing every time I hang out with someone. She’s also said awful things to me that have me question whether she intentionally has made feel badly about myself so that I’ll “need” her. Which... How dare any parent do that. How dare any parent be either that cruel or that ignorant. I have a lot of rage toward her and stay in touch out of guilt. I interact with her, hoping she’ll be different this time. It’s never going to happen. That’s why I stopped talking to my dad; I finally accepted him. 

Set III

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “ NA

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “ respect for each other?

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know. NA

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met. NA

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life. One of my most embarrassing moments was when I was sucking someone’s dick outside and was “caught” by my landlord/boss/friend at the exact time he came through that part of the yard every night. For some reason, I was certain that it was hours later than it was. I thought that he must have thought that I’d done it on purpose, and I was mortified. 

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself? I cried in front of my friend Matt a few months ago bc of the stress of the pandemic and things I’d been through in the last few years. He was so sweet about it. I cry often, mostly while watching movies or videos. 

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already. NA

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about? Nothing is too serious to be joked about, but there are people who shouldn’t tell certain jokes/jokes in certain ways. Read the room and know your place. 

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet? Well, I wish I’d told my friend I was in love with him before he died. Maybe I didn’t tell him bc I’m terrified of things going well. Other than that, I don’t think I have anything to tell anyone. Maybe I want people to “know me” through some kind of art. 

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why? Old journals bc I was good at writing. 

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why? I really, really will have no idea until it happens. Probably on of my parents because what is death for someone whose life they refused to, or felt they could not, make good? What promises did they break toward themselves, and am I doomed to break the same ones?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen. NA  

#gernil #deardiary #dear diary

[shiroe-is-my-baby]

Just For The Cake

Summary: The stupid jealousy fic based around and during the cake scene late season one. Fake dates galore all to make one person jealous. No reason other than humor and angst. And bc this episode always makes me laugh and jealous at the same time.

W: self-insert, angst, humor

((Also I'm sorry this is super long! I didn't expect it to be but it is haha. Also tagging my buddy bc they wanted to see it so @laissezbeean))

I sat at the table with my head on my hand, shielding my face from everyone. This was absolutely humiliating. Why did I have to have this stupid idea? I just had to get jealous and force my way in here. On a fake date with one of the people who I barely even speak to. Yet, here I am, pretending to be a couple just to observe them. Sitting there, being all cute for him. It made me sick to my stomach. I groaned softly, glancing up at the cakes sitting in front of either of us. I wasn’t even in the mood to eat right now. But I had no choice after planning this date. Not until I’ve at least made it a point to be seen with this man, trying to make a certain someone jealous. Not like he would really care. Leaning my chin on my hand, I looked over my shoulder at the table that Shiroe sat at with Minori and Akatsuki. The two were practically obvious, shoving cake into his face and force feeding him. I felt my eyes practically roll, hearing Shiroe’s voice clearly from the distance away. I could also see the heavy eye contact from others he was receiving. If only I could save him. If only I could walk up there and yank him to his feet. But I already tried to save him. He didn’t want to. He wanted to do a nice thing for both of them, which I found commendable.

When I first found out about the cake competition, I was ecstatic. I had hope I found the way to finally get Shiroe alone and express my feelings. But the two of them beat me to it, already talking him into a double date. Although, in sure that was all Shiroe’s idea. He’s way too nice for his own good. Nice or incredibly stupid. Or both. Shiroe doesn’t know that I planned to ask him too. I couldn’t be honest after he told me that Akatsuki and Minori asked him. That would be ridiculous. Besides, it didn’t mean anything at this point. He still had no idea any of us has feelings for him. I wished they didn’t. Akatsuki probably had a bigger shot with him than I did. She’s beautiful and they have such a stronger connection. The way he looks at her kills me. I wished he looked at me like that. Yet again, I can’t see the way he looks at me. I’m too blinded by my own self consciousness. Right now, I wsh that were me sitting in front of him. Seeing that cute nervous smile of his, or that normal smile brightening up his face. Feeding him like that, giggling when he finds the food rather delicious.

“Why don’t you let me steal you away?” I had asked Shiroe the day before, standing in front of his desk while he worked, “You won’t have to go through with it.” He shook his head, shifting papers around and scribbling his pen across them. “I already made a promise to them. Besides, they’re both excited about it. I don’t mind at all. It sounds fun anyway.” I breathed a sigh, pursing my lips and watching his eyes never lift from the table. It was useless. He was doing a nice thing. Or the only way he knew how. The best way Shiroe could get through this situation. Only our strategist would come up with this. He’s so oblivious. “So tell me again why we’re here?” I lifted my head, looking up at the man sitting across from me. I would’ve narrowed my eyes if I wasn’t already feeling annoyed. That’s a very good question. Why were we here? Was it to make Shiroe jealous? Possibly. If it was even possible for him to be jealous. I don’t even know if he likes me like that. All I know is that seeing him here with them makes me feel so disgusting inside. Issac looked at me with raised eyebrows, his arms folded across his chest. He looked rather humorous in that seat with all of his armor still on. Sometimes I wonder if he ever has anything else to wear besides that. But I did pull him away from official guild business for this.

There’s probably people wondering why me and him are here together. We barely talk outside of the times we’ve met through Shiroe and other big guild meetings. Honestly, he was the one person who agreed without laughing in my face. I asked Krusty originally who had things to do, but also chuckled and found it amusing. Plus, I thought Issac would make the man jealous most. He is a leader of one of the biggest guilds, not to mention he’s strong. Krusty would’ve been better since Shiroe and him are sorta close. I guess. I’m not even sure they seem to know each other fairly well. As far as scary, plotting dudes with glasses go. They seem to have that weird connection. “I already told you why. Did you already forget?” I asked, stalely. “No, I just can’t seem to wrap my head around it. Why in the hell are you into the villain behind glasses anyway?” “Because I just am, okay? I really don’t feel like explaining my love life to you right now. I just… wanna make him feel a little jealous, that’s all.” The man huffed a bit, unfolding his arms and leaning one against the table. I already had some people staring at me too for being here with Issac. I never realized how much attention he and the rest of the bigger guilds got. But being with him now as a sort of, not really, date made it all worse somehow. “It looks like he’s already got his hands full,” Issac mumbled, making me look back over again. Great. Now, they’re both feeding him and it looks like he’s the only one eating now.

I couldn’t laugh at the situation when I was just really jealous. Wanting to be in that chair in front of him, having him feeding me. Leaning in close and whispering to him, watching his blush rise. I let out a dreamy sigh, leaning my chin on my hand and letting my eyes roam his face. That nervous look was so cute. “You really like him, don’t yah?” “Yeah… I do.” Issac sighed, his body shifting and letting out clicks from his armor. “We might as well get his attention. You can’t make the kid jealous if he isn’t looking over here,” He said. I turned back to him, lifting my eyebrows and gasping suddenly. “Oh! Thanks! I’m sorry, I got… lost in thought,” I mumbled. “Mhm, sure you did.” Issac quickly shook away his annoyed look that had been on his face for a while, showing a much softer side. He was good at playing the part, which I was kid of thankful for. If I would have gotten Krusty like I originally planned, the man would have probably made this all into a joke.

He looked over my shoulder at the three of them, chuckling when Shiroe was yet again put on the spot. His sounds of protest were rather loud, which gaze us both a quick idea. I swiveled my head to the man in front of me, watching him nod his head and lean closer. Almost immediately, I let out a rather loud and flirtatious giggle. It surprised me a tad bit as I pressed a hand Ronny mouth to pretend to hide the sound. This caused my cheeks to turn slightly pink from embarrassment which helped with the scene. Issac pretended to give a smirk, almost like he was proud to make me laugh. Or he was just finding it funny the lengths that I would go to for this. Anyway, it worked, because Shiroe ended up glancing in our direction. “Ashley?” He asked, raising an eyebrow curiously. I spun around in my chair, looking up at him with fake surprise. “Shiroe? Hey! Surprised to see you here!” He gave a small nod, his eyes glancing up at the man in front of me. “Issac?” He gave a small wave at the sound of his name, but didn’t really say much. “What are you two doing here? Together?” Akatsuki asked, her eyebrows furrowed curiously. “We, uh… wanted to give it a try! After talking with Shiroe I had a little sweets craving. Issac offered to come along,” I said, rather fast without thinking. “I didn’t know you two were friends?” Shiroe looked confused. There was something else in his eyes I couldn’t read. Could it be jealousy? Or was he just incredibly confused and a little worried? I’m not sure why. Issac isn’t a bad guy. We just don’t get along much. Or talk much at all. “What she does isn’t really any of your business,” Issac said, the smirk still plastered on his face. I raised my eyebrows, surprised he was playing along so well. Shiroe blinked, his eyes wandering my face for a second before nodding slowly. “Well, you two have… fun…” He said, voice fading a bit as he spoke. “Same to you.”

Issac gave a nod to both the girls, watching Akatsuki and Minori’s similar surprise. This was not at all what I expected. Their heavy gazes were making me regret this decision already. Why didn’t I just save myself the trouble and stay away? Then, I wouldn’t be in this mess, embarrassed and looking like a god damn idiot. Everyone turned their attention back to their own table, the girls immediately returning to their conversation as if nothing happened. I felt my smile drop, the frown growing deeper similar to the divot between my brows. “This was such a stupid idea,” I mumbled, leaning my chin on my hand. “I don’t know. It looked like it was working on him.” “What?” I looked up, watching Issac chomp down on a piece of the cake slice neither of us had touched. At least he can eat. I can barely even think about eating anything. My stomach is in such knots it’s rather insane. It grew more when I heard their silly giggles behind me, knowing that I succumbed myself to this. “He looked pretty jealous to me,” Issac said. “You think so?” He shrugged, scooping up another and eating for the both of us. I couldn’t help but laugh a tad bit at it. They must be pretty good. “That look was proof enough, wasn’t it?” “Well, yeah, but he could have just been super surprised.” “He cares. If he didn’t, then there wouldn’t be a reaction. Are you gonna finish that?” He pointed to my plate, raising his eyebrows. I rolled my eyes, shoving the plate into his direction.

My head slightly turned, looking at Shiroe and watching him continue to scarf down the cake he was presented with. Such a foolish guy. He didn’t realize how he put himself in this situation, but how could he? And it’s not like I blamed either of these girls. Shiroe was adorable and sweet and everything I wanted in someone. It looked like he was getting the bad end of the stick. What with the thousands of trays they keep sending his way. I’m sure they were doing this all on purpose. It was still humorous, to say the least. But it didn’t make me want to switch positions with them any less. I turned around, slamming my hand on the table. “Feed me,” I said, rather abruptly. Issac lifted a brow, stopping mid cake bite to look at me. “What?” He asked, recomposing himself. I never thought he’d act so relaxed in front of me. Or maybe it was just his sort of prize for doing this in the first place. I never pegged him for the sweets kind of guy. “Put cake on that fork and feed me. The minute he’s looking over here,” I said. “Whatever you say.” He sighed, clearing his throat rather loudly. I pretended to giggle again, practically wanting to vomit at my own sound. It wasn’t like me to pretend this much, but I was so jealous. There was no coming back from this. Now way at all. Shiroe glanced over his shoulder at us again, just in time for the man to feed the piece to me. I blushed bright, feeling super weird about the whole thing. I could practically feel Shiroe’s eyes biting into me, watching for a bit before turning away. I couldn’t resist, holding back a laugh as I fell deeper into my chair. This was so stupid. Who was I trying to fool? Issac couldn’t help but chuckle either, putting the fork down and meeting my gaze. “This is ridiculous,” I grumbled, swallowing the cake.

It was actually rather delicious. I wished I could savor it more. I licked my lips to catch the crumbs, feeling pressure against my chin. When I lifted my eyes, I saw that Issac was leaning a little bit and swiped a piece off from my chin that I couldn’t reach. My eyes widened for a second, and he quickly motioned with his head behind me. “Caught ‘em looking again. And you looked ridiculous with that crumb on your chin.” “Whatever, thanks,” I said, sitting back in my seat. At this point, I didn’t see any reason why I should stay. Shiroe was already dealing with enough from the two girls at his table. Why did I have to add fuel to the fire? This was fun and all, sure, but… I felt yucky inside having done this at all. Was it really worth it? Biting my bottom lip, I felt my heart sink in my chest and I took one last glance at Shiroe. He was going to be here all day. Poor thing. But I was honestly tired. Tired of feeling jealous all the time when there was nothing to be jealous for. No reason for me to let it eat me up inside.

Minori wasn’t a threat, and Akatsuki may be close to him but whatever makes him happy should make me happy. If he does end up choosing someone else… I’ll be happy regardless. It just really sucks to think about right now. Probably just as much as it sucks for Akatsuki to be having to share Shiroe like this. “Sorry I dragged you into this mess, Issac,” I mumbled. The man shook his head, pushing another finished plate out of his way. “Don’t mention it,” He said, “I was doin’ yah a favor. Now, you owe me one. So we’re even.” He smirked, watching me sigh heavily. I knew there’d be a catch. Well, the idea didn’t sound so bad. He probably will just ask me for some kind of favor in regards to Shiroe or the guild. Or some help with something else not so difficult. “Let’s go,” I said, “I think I’ve had my fill of cake and jealousy for the day.” “Alright, but, I’m gonna see about boxing on of these up.” “Oh, isn’t that sweet of you.” “They’re for me.” I chuckled, rolling my eyes and watching him flag down one of the girls working at the moment.

Shiroe didn’t look back at me the rest of the time. He was too busy still scarfing down cakes. I couldn’t help but giggle at his predicament, a little happy that I didn’t ruin their time. After all, Akatsuki and Minori looked pleased. Originally it was awkward, but they have a way of making it work somehow. With a heavy heart, I followed Issac downstairs and outside of the building. He offered to walk me back to Crescent Moon, but I kindly declined. My plans were still to go back to Log Horizon and help Nyanta with some things in the kitchen. I wasn’t sure how tonight’s dinner was going to go, but that could always wait. “Thanks again,” I said, waving as Issac walked away. “Don’t mention it. And hey, you’re always welcome around anytime that villain or loud guild master of yours gets on your nerves.” “I’ll keep that in mind.” I giggled, watching him disappear into the crowd ahead. The day didn’t turn out to be a total bust. Issac and I got along, and it looks like he and I sort of bonded? It was hard to tell between re making Shiroe jealous and watching him eat cake. Which was weird, but I’ll get over it. With the box of leftovers in my hands, I turned on my heels and walked the opposite direction towards Log Horizon. I tried to keep my mind preoccupied with cooking, listening to Nyanta directing me in the recipe. Together he and I actually made a pretty good team. He didn’t ask about my day, thankfully. I hoped to keep this between me and Issac. Forever.

I ran into Shiroe when I was coming out of the kitchen, red staining my cheeks from seeing him. He looked so exhaughsted and uncomfortable. It almost made me want to giggle. Since I was there for most of the horror, he didn’t even have to explain anything. Just give me a look of silent understanding. “How yah holding up, buddy?” I asked. “I’ll be fine. I guess.” “Where you heading off to? Nyanta and I just finished dinner.” Shiroe shook his head, looking paler by the second by the small mention of food. I felt so bad for him. I wanted to hug him and hold him and comfort him. Put his head in my lap and let him relax in my arms. He looked like he could use something like that. If only… “No… I can’t even think about eating anything right now. Save me something for later?” He asked, leaning against the wall for support. “I’ll do that for you, Shiroe.” I giggled softly, watching him silently thank me. He told me how he was going to go get some air on the roof for a while, making me promise to not tell anyone what happened. As if I could stop Minori from talking. Akatsuki wouldn’t say much, but Minori… probably. But I kept nodding and smiled, watching him pass me by with slow steps. I started walking the other direction when Shiroe called my name. Looking over my shoulder, I saw him looking at me with furrowed brows. “Were you and Issac on a date?” He asked, “Or did you guys go just for the deserts too?” I smiled gingerly, seeing the genuine question in his gaze. Maybe issac was right. Maybe Shiroe was jealous. It’s hard to tell with Shiroe. Especially when he had no clue that both those girls really did want that to be a date or a couple outing. Not just pretend. But Shiroe wouldn’t see it coming. He’d never believe it, not even if I tried. This was my chance to lie. Tell him that we went on a date and it was great. Build up this romantic story in hopes that Shiroe would break break and show me the true jealousy he could hold. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. “No… We just went for the cake,” I said, trying to hide the break in my voice. Shiroe nodded, giving me a gentle smile and turning back around on his heels. It may have felt like my imagination, but to me it looked like he gave a sigh of relief. But it was probably just my imagination. Once I had turned the corner, I pressed my back up against the wall and listened to his footsteps fade from my ears. My chest started to feel tight, warm tears prickling the corners of my eyes. Even though I felt like I failed today… I knew that I couldn’t drag this on. It was petty of me to play this role. Shiroe will choose who he wants. In the meantime, all I can do is be there for him. Show him how much I care. Be the friend that he needs me to be. Until the day that I finally work up the courage to get him alone and finally confess my adoration and true feelings for this man. Maybe then things will work in my favor. Maybe then… he’ll finally choose me.

#self insert #self ship #self insert writing #my writing #otp: shirey #fic #fanfic #angst #humor #fanficiton

[poppymadness]

all the flowery asks hoe

at least i read them all before i reblogged them

azalea : what’s one word that describes you ?

??? hopeful. idk i guess i’ll go with that for now

baby’s breath : what did you want to be when you were a kid ?

many things but i guess what was the most consistent was to be a cop

begonia : are you a messy or clean person ?

messy for the most part i presume 

bleeding heart : has your heart ever been broken ?

not romantically but i’ve felt it more in the sense of when i’ve left friends, although not the other way around

bluebell : do you drink tea or coffee ?

coffee wow what a tough one for me to answer huh

buttercup : what are five things that make you apologetically happy ?

apologetically happy? so like guilty pleasure? did i even answer these right oh well

when it rains/storms, mainly bc many people are like !! gloomy :( and i’m like !! that’s my SHIT

idk, teasing people

GETTING IN ARGUMENTS WHOOPS the adrenaline man kill me it gets me pumped 

being something different than what that person expected

doing something in the hopes of getting praised rather than for myself

calla : what’s your favorite book ?

any & every marie lu book yes i am also talking about warcross despite it not even being out

carnation : what are your five most played songs ?

currently: sorry i’m emo

feel something - jaymes young

sorry - halsey 

nightmares - all time low 

grim ranger - lungs and limbs

sad boy - g-eazy 

chrysanthemum : what are you afraid of ?

really right now i’m not really afraid of anything because i haven’t really been thinking about much, kinda just ignoring it idk 

daffodil : what’s your astrological sign ?

bc it’s in my bio i’m gonna be extra and add my moon & rising so

sun: pisces, moon: aries, rising/ascendant: virgo

dahlia : what’s your favorite band ?

crown the empire

daisy : which ‘friends’ character do you relate to the most ?

haven’t really watched it, tried to like 2 years? ago, i didn’t make it far

dandelion : are you an extrovert or an introvert ?

currently all i can think about is my mbti and that had said i’m like 87% an introvert or around there

geranium : how has your day been ?

whatever, which is how i expect my summer to go

hydrangea : what’s your dream job ?

somewhere in forensics, somewhere

iris : who’s your celebrity crush ?

there’s cute ass celebrities out there but i never crush on them

lavender : what’s one of the best gifts you’ve ever received ?

truthfully, ashley, the little flipnote thing of all our dumb ass inside jokes is an icon

lily : what’s something you’ve achieved that you’re really proud of ?

other than the straight a’s fourth quarter it’s been awhile

marigold : what would you like to do more of, but don’t ?

w r i t e, or draw but that’s a lost cause by this point tbh

moonflower : who inspires you ?

inspiration is a tricky thing and i truthfully wouldn’t get it from a living, breathing, or dead person if i felt it 

morning glory : are you an early bird or a night owl ?

night owl i guess

orchid : what’s the last movie you saw ?

…what was it? uuuuhhh, i fucking think it was everything everything god 

pansy : do you believe in love at first sight ?

no, love is a bond not a spark whoops

peony : what does your url mean ?

i don’t feel like explaining my old, embarrassing self

periwinkle : what are you thankful for ?

since it’s taking me so long to even think of something right now i’m just going to say nothing oops srry i’m an ungrateful ass at times

petunia : where were you ten years ago ?

ten years ago i was seven and making the final preparations with my parents to move to florida in july

poinsettia : where would you like to be in ten years ?

ten years from now i will be twenty-seven and hopefully living with some nice ass forensics job and loving science

poppy : what’s your online persona ?

i would like to think it’s the same as i am in life unless i’m playing video games then i’m an asshole 

primrose : if you could share one message with the world, what would it be ?

there’s no reason to intervene if it’s your ego that’s damaged.

rose : who’s the last person you spent quality time with ?

ashley is the only person i spend quality time with so ashley

snapdragon : what are your goals ?

i’m really just doing what i got to, i don’t really got many goals

sunflower : what’s your favorite quote ?

don’t have one

tulip : if you had three wishes, what would you wish for ?

a corgi, a real kiyoshi teppei, for socializing to be an easy thing

violet : what’s one thing most people don’t know about you ?

when i’m accused of something i didn’t do i smile instinctively, so people just become more suspicious of me i don’t know why that’s what i felt like sharing

zinnia : do you believe in magic ?

n o p e

#answering these while emo was not the smartest idea #why did i make the flower asks emo #rip #about me #ask meme #naturalpeaches

[julystorms]

I hate how with the new chapters people are hoping Levi and Hanji didn't become a couple or something. They don't want them to be too close because that would invalidate their ship (ErwinxLevi). They'd rather see Levi be lonely than to see him find comfort in and be close to Hanji because of their own shipping bias. They don't want Levi to be close to anyone but Erwin and don't see how that makes them biased (because eruri is "canon"). Ship and let ship. Sorry I had to let it out to someone...

warning: this isn’t very nice to eruris or levihans so just… read at your own risk.

i could probably rant for like 34 years about how fandom treats romance as this large sweeping once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, like people don’t fall in and out of love on a regular basis, like marriages don’t end for reasons that aren’t “person a is an asshole.”

really, the idea is more than a little damaging in the way it encourages people to hold onto things even when they’re over. (lmao don’t tell me fandom doesn’t influence real life? don’t tell me that people don’t pull from fiction and expect that/get disappointed over it not being like that in real life. the things young people have said to me/asked me… astounding, tbh.)

anyway, lots of people remarry. lots of people don’t cling to one relationship forever. few people take the opposite route and shut themselves off forever.

but the biggest problem is that romantic fiction paints previous romantic experiences as irrelevant and unimportant and “less than” whatever is current. that honestly makes me angry. even if a relationship ended in angry divorce, can writers stop pretending that there were never feelings there? can they stop with the bullshit like ~oh, he’d never felt a love like this~ when there was literally nothing wrong with his previous relationship? it just didn’t work out oor his partner died? people just like to fucking feel good about themselves, like to imagine that a person who used to be in love w/ someone else will like them more than their previous partner. fuck off–love doesn’t work like that for most people.

why this entire thing is relevant is because there’s no doubt in my mind the eruris don’t want erwin’s relationship to levi diminished in the name of this new and current possibility, and…god??? i can’t blame ‘em??

like look, the eruri fans’ behavior recently hasn’t been altogether stellar (and of course i’m making a sweeping generalization, here; not all fans, etc etc), but levihan fans have been almost as fucking self-important and smug in the past and i wish y’all’d stop pretending that you weren’t. i distinctly remember 30230 posts about how they LOOKED at each other #canon, or how worried he looked in one panel when she was hurt. let’s not forget all the squealing over him bathing her and…other weird fucking things that got the levihan fandom subset into a goddamn tizzy and in ways that truthfully creeped me the FUCK out and made me embarrassed to even ship the same thing. i’d personally keep that embarrassing shit to myself but fandom generally does whatever it wants, so there’s no stopping it. just do whatever you want; everyone else does.

my stance on this is: the eruris are probably bracing themselves for the onslaught of levihan (not to mention er////e///ri, kill me now) fans squealing about how their ship has a higher chance to be #canon, and how they’re glad erwin is dead because it made their ship more likely to be #canon – like damn, okay. that’s pretty heartless but a’ight. not to mention all the fans who will write drivel like what i mentioned above: stories and meta that will narratively pretend that erwin meant little to levi in comparison to hange. (i mean obviously no two relationships are the same but narratively speaking it’d be cool if people stopped making the current one out to be ~better~ like it’s a ~deeper love or whatever stupid shit inexperienced buffoons think sounds realistic.)

sidenote: yall always going on about how poly ships are the best shit ever and i still ain’t seen one post talking about levi and hange working through the aftermath of losing erwin together. lmao??? why? cause the love is gone since it’s down to two? whatever.

in the end: shipping in fandom is always gross. there are always tons of really diehard fans for every ship that want that ~deeply tragic and romantic idea of one partner forever bc their love is just so strong~~~!! they’d rather their characters brood and be Sad™ for the rest of their mopey existence than find even a friendship comfort in another person (but ofc if they do find a friendship sort of comfort lmao they have to make sure they put the word in there 3012 times to define it precisely so that nobody is “confused”!!!!!!!!). i don’t know why anyone thinks this is fucking romantic & i don’t know why anyone even believes levi would be unspeakably lonely without erwin. like obviously he is going to be sad and miss him (even if you don’t ship it can you guy stop pretending erwin means nothing to him at all?) but jesus christ learn how to fucking write actual human beings–you know, people who aren’t defined by their romantic attachment???

the levihans just want to take the moral high ground here and it pisses me off nearly as much as the eruris clinging desperately to this tragic love bullshit. like don’t pretend that this whole guilt-tripping “let levi be happy” chant doesn’t have about 34 ulterior motives. please. if levihan had seemed a solid canonical possibility in recent chapters, and hange had died, y’all’d be bitter when the eruris stepped up and used that same logic against you. y’all just as bad and some of you are reminding me a little of vultures perched nearby, eyes on the prize. like geez, calm down? let stuff happen? this ship war bullshit over fictional characters is ridiculous. there are unfollow buttons on this site for a reason. there are block buttons for a reason. there is xkit and tumblr saviour and blacklist. if seeing the eruris say this stuff bothers you, then start unfollowing, blocking, blacklisting.

cause like…if you REALLY mean “ship and let ship” then…why are you even reading this stuff? what the eruris are doing doesn’t affect you. they’re not going to ship what you like just because half their ship is dead. they’re not going to stop liking their ship because erwin is dead.

like if you want some sympathy regarding how they don’t want levi to get close to hange because they want levi sad forever, okay: you’ve got it. but if this is ‘look at how dumb the eruris are lol’ then you don’t have my sympathy at all. yeah, they dumb af. so are the levihans though.

#imo yall just as bad as the eruris are #it's just that there are so much fewer of you it's hard to tell #nothing makes you want to stop shipping something like a pairing's subfandom tbh #but anyway like i see where you're coming from #but if levihan starts to look canon #i FUCKING GUARANTEE YOU!!!!!!!!! #that the levihans will become smug pieces of shit #like lmao don't pretend that's a m/m pairing thing #bc it's a fandom shipping thing esp in this stupid fandom... #cute anons #replies to friends #snk #fandom critical

[fataziraphale]

Viktor Week Day 1: Food

For @viktorweek! Set after the Barcelona GPF! Viktor and Yuuri move to Saint Petersburg and pay Yakov a visit! Yay!

TW for fat shaming, talk of dieting and weight loss, and of characters dealing with weight issues. Everyone ends up fat and happy in the end tho bc... come on, I wrote this. Me. Look at my url.

Anyway, Viktor + food is maybe the most important thing in my whole life and I hope you all enjoy him as much as I do

“Oh my god.”

Yakov Feltsman let out a huff of air that Yuuri recognized well: it was the long-suffering sigh a man would inevitably release after spending more than five minutes with Viktor Nikiforov. Yuuri would know. He’d spent the last nine months living with the guy, and had exhaled that sigh approximately ten quintillion times.

But he’d never sighed at Viktor for the reason Yakov was now. Yakov’s eyes weren’t locked on Viktor’s face, incredulously reflecting on some inane, nonsensical, or vaguely culturally insensitive comment Viktor had just made. No, Yakov was sighing at a very different part of Viktor entirely: namely, the chubby pot belly that had settled comfortably around the skater’s middle, one that most certainly had not been there nine months before.

Yuuri bit his lip. He didn’t want Viktor to get self-conscious. Not about this.

Yakov, apparently, had no such reservations. “Oh my fucking god,” he said. “Vitya, you’ve gotten fat.”

No matter how well Viktor tried to mask it behind heart-shaped smiles, Yuuri knew his fiancé could get pretty anxious about his weight. It was only understandable, after all—Yuuri knew better than anyone just how much pressure was placed on figure skaters to be willowy and lean, rather than his own natural body type of squishy plush rotund. But slowly, over the past few months in Japan, Viktor had learned how to drop the masks he always wore in favor of letting his true self out, of speaking honestly and smiling earnestly and being comfortable in his own, newly pudgy skin. Yuuri didn’t want Yakov to ruin all that.

But Viktor just looked his coach in the eye and smiled. “What can I say? Japanese food is super yummy! Have you ever had katsudon? You need to try it! Yuri’s dad makes the most delicious pork, oh my god, my mouth is watering just thinking about—”

“I’ve had katsudon,” said Yakov curtly. “Yuratchka made it for me and Lilia after Rostelecom. But Jesus, Vitya, it’s not that good.”

“That’s because you haven’t had the katsudon at Yutopia yet~” Viktor grinned. “Just wait until you try it! You’ll be singing a different tune, or I haven’t won five world championship gold medals and five GPF gold medals and an Olympic—”

“I’m familiar with the fact that you’re a decorated athlete, Vitya. Stop bragging! Do you want to come in, or do I have to drag you by your ridiculous hair?!”

Viktor twirled into Yakov’s house as if he were doing a skating spin, graceful and controlled. Yuuri awkwardly sidled in through the door after him.

Yakov closed his front door and followed Viktor into, predictably, the kitchen. Viktor’s head had disappeared completely into one of Yakov’s cabinets. If Viktor were a dog (Yuuri hadn’t entirely ruled out the possibility that he was), his tail would have been wagging, hard.

“Ooooooh! You have Alenka! Mmm… chocolate sounds good right about now…”

Yakov stood behind him, arms crossed. “So when are you planning to lose it?”

“Huh?” Viktor emerged from the cabinet, ripping open a chocolate bar. He took a casual bite. “My haircut? I can grow it out if you want… I wouldn’t mind having long hair again, actually. If you meant when am I going to lose it, as in start balding, I might have to run up to the room you’ve prepared for me and start sulking for—”

“The weight. The extra fifty pounds.”

“Sixty-four!”

“Yeah. When are you going to lose it so you can skate.”

Viktor nibbled on chocolate. Yuuri’s heart beat a little bit faster. “Yuuri is a fat figure skater.”

To his intense discomfort, Yakov’s eyes strayed to Yuuri’s belly then, as round and soft as the first day Viktor had arrived at Yutopia (oh, all right—if he was being honest with himself, it was even rounder and softer). “I can see that. I do have eyes. But Yuuri is not my athlete, so I don’t get a say in what he does or doesn’t do with his body.” He looked back at Viktor, who was already ripping open his second bar of chocolate. “But you’re my athlete, Vitya. And I don’t coach fat figure skaters.”

For a moment, the only sound in the room was Viktor’s attempt to open the bar of chocolate. It was taking him a lot more time than the first one had. In fact, it took so long that he got pretty frustrated, struggling and scrabbling desperately at the packaging. Tears prickled in his eyes. He threw the chocolate down onto the counter unopened. Then he ran.

“Viktor!” Yuuri cried. Part of him wanted to go after his fiancé, to comfort him, to assure him he was loved—but another, more foreign fragment of Yuuri took control instead, one that was fiery and volatile. “HEY!”

Yakov looked a little startled. “Da?”

“How dare you say that kind of thing to Viktor? There’s nothing wrong with being fat, or skating fat, or Viktor’s weight at all! So he likes Japanese food! I’m glad he’s been eating a lot of it! I’m glad he’s been doing something that makes him really happy for once in his life!”

To Yuuri’s immense surprise, Yakov snorted at that. “It’s not just Japanese food. Didn’t you see the fucking beeline he made for my chocolate? Vitya’s been a food addict since the day he was born. It doesn’t matter if it’s katsudon or beef stroganoff.”

Yuuri blinked. “Really? But… he was so thin when I met him.”

“Because I’m a damn good coach!! Do you know how difficult it was to keep him from stuffing his face with every single piece of food he came in contact with? Do you know how many different diet plans I had to write up—how many times I had to increase his exercise regimen just to keep up with all the crap he was eating—how many times I had to literally grab food out of his fucking hands?!!”

“So…” Gears began to turn in Yuuri’s head, one at a time. “So that’s why he went crazy with katsudon. Because it was the first time in his life no one had been around to tell him not to.”

“I’ll say. And from the looks of you, you could use a real coach to tell you what not to eat as well.”

Under any other circumstances, Yuuri would have been mortified, and would have quietly crawled into a hole to live out the rest of his fat life in solitude and never bother anyone again. Now that Viktor’s happiness was at stake, all he felt was a burning, righteous frustration. “Viktor is a real coach, Yakov. He’s the best coach I’ve ever had! Sure, he—has no idea how to coach figure skating. Like, at all. But he showed me that I can be a skater without starving myself to get there! He’s given me so much confidence to be happy and myself, and I don’t see why you can’t do the same for him!”

Yakov considered this. “His weight is going to go up further. You realize this.”

“I don’t care if he gains another 300 pounds. Food makes him happy. I’m not taking that away from him.”

Yakov opened his mouth to respond, but was interrupted by a soft and pudgy form padding its way idly back into the kitchen. Viktor’s arms were taken up by an enormous tin of cookies, one of them peeking out from between his lips as he munched. “Found this in the medicine cabinet. Your hiding places are too easy.”

Yakov took a deep breath. “Don’t eat too many, Vitya. You’ll spoil your dinner.”

“Mm? Dinner?” Vitya lifted his knee to balance the tin on it, performing a shaky juggling act in order to whip off the lid and select another cookie. “What’s for dinner? Are you cooking something healthy and un-yummy to teach me the proper value of nutrition?” He worked hard to keep his voice level, but then, Viktor had never been a very good actor. It trembled almost as much as his raised knee did.

“I’m treating you to stroganoff at that place you like,” said Yakov. “Eat as much as you want—I’ll even pay for vodka—but for God’s sake keep your clothes on. I heard what happened at the Cup of China. If you embarrass me in in my own city, I swear to God you’ll never walk a—”

“As much as I want?” Victor’s voice cracked. The tin of cookies crashed to the floor. “I… don’t have to lose weight to skate for you?”

Yakov sighed that long-suffering sigh. “No. I want you to be happy, Vitya. I was hoping that light eyes I’ve seen recently was coming from you being engaged to Katsuki, and not from your own ridiculous gluttony, but… well, we can’t all have everything we want.”

Viktor just stared at him. And then his eyes filled with tears. And then he threw himself at Yakov, encasing his coach in the biggest hug Yuuri had ever seen (other than the ones Viktor usually gave him). “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU”

“Food addict,” grumbled Yakov, stiffly hugging him back.

Viktor just laughed, relief shining in every inch of his features. “Says you! You’ve been an alcoholic for eighty years!”

“I’m not an alcoholic. I’m Russian.”

“You drink enough vodka to kill a horse! Or a really, really fat guy!”

“And I CAN’T have been an alcoholic for eighty years, I WAS ONLY FUCKING BORN IN NINETEEN FOURTY-FIVE YOU PIECE OF ABSOLUTE SHIT”

Viktor was laughing. Yuuri smiled at him, and Viktor beamed back, even as he bent deftly towards the floor to pick up one of the cookies there. Holding a chubby finger to his lips, he popped the cookie into his mouth.

For his part, all this human interaction had left Yuuri exhausted. He was just looking forward to tonight, when he could snuggle up to Viktor, rest his head gently on his fiancé’s fat tummy, and dream of katsudon in peace.

#viktorweek #viktor week #viktor nikiforov #yuri on ice #yoi #bodiekayfanfic #!!