#because oh idk maybe I care about others and want this to actually get solved

[talaok]

idk if you’re still taking spencer reid requests but i was thinking about him and reader ending a long term relationship but they just keep going back to each other and a whole bunch of smutty angst ensues hehe

alright alright alright I don't know if I did exactly what you had in mind but I hope I got close enough (btw this is obv later seasons Spence)

Made for me

"I'm sorry I can't do this anymore," you said "No, actually, you know what, I'm not sorry, it's you who should be apologizing"

"for what? having to work?"

"you know what I mean"

"Seriously?" he sighed "You wanna do this again?"

"Maybe I do, alright"

"y/n, I've already told you thousands of times this is just how my job works, it's not that I want to be gone for weeks on end, it's that I have to"

"yeah sure," you mumbled, shaking your head

"What? you don't believe me?" he took a step towards you, and you took a step back, hitting the kitchen counter, "you think I like being gone?"

"All I'm saying is maybe you don't hate it as much as you say you do"

He shot you a look, and you didn't give a fuck. You were tired of him and of his coming home late every night.

"You get to get away from me with all your little friends who I'm sure wouldn't snitch on you even if held at gunpoint" You cocked an eyebrow.

"snitch on me...?" he said, sounding confused before he realized, "You think I cheat on you? Is that it?"

"Are you saying you never thought about it?"

He scoffed "Y/n I go away to solve fucking murders," he said like he was one breath away from exploding 

"That's not what I asked"

His knuckles turned white as he tightened his fists by his side

"but I guess it's as good as an answer" You shrugged, looking at him steadily "This isn't working anymore Spencer," you said, "I think we should take a break"

"a break?" He scoffed "Y/n we've been together for five years"

"yeah, five years too long"

You saw his eyes turn black as a faint hint of hurt traveled behind them.

"you don't mean that"

"Trust me, I do," you said "I'm tired of this Spencer, I'm tired of you"

His jaw twitched "You're tired of me?" he mocked "What about me? Do you think I'm not tired of you? Of your constant complaining and moaning and blabbing on and on about how much I suck?" he grabbed your wrist

"Well then a break is exactly what we need"

"I don't think so"

"Why? That way you can go back to all the special friends I'm sure you've made over the years"

"again with this fucking thing" he muttered, annoyed

"oh don't beat yourself up, It's not like I haven't thought about it myself" you smirked, "I just never acted on it, unlike you"

His eyes zeroed in on you, a flame sparking beneath them.

"What did you just say?" he pulled you closer 

"you heard what I said"

"you thought about other men touching you?" his other hand moved to your waist

"Maybe I did"

"Who?"

A quiet smirk tugged at your lips "Why do you care?"

"Because you're mine y/n"

"Not anymore, remember?" you said "We're taking a break"

"I never agreed to that" Sometimes after you spoke he had gotten closer, and his breath was now fanning over your mouth.

"And I doubt you really want that either" 

"well you're wrong"

"I'm not" he whispered just moments before his lips met yours.

The hand on your wrist went to grab your face, bringing you impossibly closer to him as his other hand traveled down to your ass.

You involuntarily whimpered into his mouth and he took the opportunity to deepen the kiss, his tongue moving into your mouth painfully nicely.

You felt your feet lift from the ground and moments later you found yourself seated on the counter, Spencer's body pressed against you from between your legs

"you're saying you wouldn't miss this?" he asked, starting a slow trail of kisses down your neck " miss me?" he taunted, his hands caressing your thighs

you could only breathe loudly, as all your brain's capability was taken over by his presence.

"because the wet patch on your panties is saying something much different baby" he smirked, his fingers grazing the damp cotton between your legs.

"shut up" you moaned

"I'm just saying sweetheart" He kissed you again, " I think you're all talk" His teeth grazed your bottom lip "You like to tell me just how bad I am as a boyfriend when you know you're made for me" he breathed

"fuck off Spencer" you spat "I'm not"

"oh aren't you?" he mocked, his fingers infiltrating under the waistband of your panties and passing through your slick folds "Then tell me, sweetheart..." He held your gaze as his fingers entered your hole and you had to force down a moan "Who else can make you come like I do?" 

#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid smut #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid criminal minds #dr spencer reid #spencer reid angst #spencer reid x you #spencer reid x fem!reader #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid x fem!reader smut #criminal minds #criminal minds x reader #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid fic #matthew gray gubler

[delululand]

what do ya think tubatu’s possible green and red flags in relationship?

i thought about this request for quite a long time because for the most part they themselves are kind of green flag hahaha. like in my perception they are all respectful of women in general (at least it looks like it from the outside) and they are emotionally available, which can be understood from their words that they hardly fights with each other and solve problems through dialogues. in my opinion, these are already one of the biggest green flags in men, so in the post i just wrote some good points (?) that came to my mind when thinking about each of the members

soobin

red flag: maybe this is super subjective, but that's the only thing that came to my mind. there may be some things that you will have to tell him about. sometimes he is really very simple and naive like a child and there are things that he may not think about that could be offensive or wrong. for example, when they discussed something related to jealousy, he several times answered something like “I would do it, but if my partner tells me not to do it, then I won’t” and the like was about going somewhere and so on, and It's absolutely normal to tell your partner what you like and what you don't like, but there are things that you would like someone to take care of without you reminding like some passive in relationship. (oh idk while i was writing this i started to think that red flag is me…)

green flag: wanna have daughter… okay even though we live in the 21st century, there are still men who want a son because it’s an “heir” and other shit, not that wanting have a son is a red flag in a man since it depends on WHY he wants it, but wanting have a daughter is already green flag in my opinion. and he’s good listen? like he said many times that he is not picky about anything and agrees to everything his partner wants, so this is also definitely a green flag (i hope people around him will not abuse this!)

yeonjun

red flag: i already wrote about this somewhere, but i really think that this is unconscious flirting with someone. he doesn't do it on purpose, he doesn't want to hurt his partner, but it happens naturally and can cause a lot of misunderstandings

green flag: lack of preconceptions about appearance and how men are supposed to look. this man literally wears a skirt whenever he wants and doesn't consider it something cringe or "only feminine" like being a woman is something bad, so yeah i’m proud

beomgyu

red flag: resentment. actually beomgyu loves to tease members, but sometimes when someone starts teasing him he gets offended (for example, the last time when yeonjun jokingly asked “oh like that? i didn’t know” and beomgyu really began to explain to him why this was so and only after a few seconds he realized that it was a joke and I sat there with that face🥺) and we also know how jealous he is so i think sometimes he might get offended by pretty minor things

green flag: firstly i'll leave this video. secondly he's very soft with his loved ones, very gentle, very vulnerable. he likes to be alone sometimes but actually is very clingy and is open in expressing his feelings. he is a person who has the most developed all love languages ​​and he could express his love very efficiently

taehyun

red flag: work is a priority. this is a common occurrence in general and especially among idols but in my opinion he is a person who really loves and values ​​his work and at least at this age he can sometimes put it above his partner. however, this doesn’t mean that he will neglect his partner’s feelings about this and perhaps, having matured and found a serious relationship, his family may become more important to him. and probably not the ability to show love with words? but actually it depends on your love language and he is great at showing love through actions (here's a video to prove it)

green flag: hearing his statements or just random phrases, he takes relationships seriously and would not waste his and his partner’s time on an affair for a couple of weeks and this is clearly not the guy who after a couple of days of dating will ask you to send him nudes or something like that. and returning to the point above and the video of how he shows love through actions is absolutely a green flag

huening kai

red flag: closedness, he said that sometimes it is not easy for him to share feelings and most likely he is the kind of person who can distance himself from his partner in depressive moments

green flag: super romantic, sweet and gentle. a person who will treat you as if you could break even from the wrong look and will definitely always listen to you, support you and try to help if he can do it

+ adds about all members

#txt #txt soobin #txt yeonjun #txt taehyun #txt beomgyu #txt huening kai #txt soft thoughts #txt soft hours #txt thoughts #soobin soft thoughts #soobin soft hours #yeonjun soft thoughts #yeonjun soft hours #beomgyu soft thoughts #beomgyu soft hours #taehyun soft thoughts #taehyun soft hours #huening kai soft thoughts #huening kai soft hours #txt fluff

[azsazz]

honestly feel really bad for azriel in mm. i would have actually left when i saw my friends brought someone they know i dont like without telling me, that's a pretty shitty thing to do and one of my biggest boundaries and then them making plans without even telling him is bad too like i get what rhys said that they were being assholes at first because they were but pushing two people that don't want to be together is still a shitty way to go about it. like even with reader she likes cass but not rhys and is being almost forced to hang out with him because of the thing with feyre which looks like fey didnt even really explain to her and idk seeing your friends put romantic relationships in front of you sucks.

obviously the point of the story is that they end up together so they'll have to solve it i guess but yeah everyone is acting badly to azriel and reader, especially to az bc that last scene of him staying back at home and the implication being that he can solve it by going with his friends to hang out with someone who makes him uncomfortable and they know it is so sad. he was excited to work on rhys' tattoo and instead just got left behind, maybe im seeing too much of myself in mm az but it made me kinda mad at rhys and cass

hi hi-

i actually love you bringing this up because there's some great points here and i'm honored that this story can evoke such conversation

so, i totally get what you're saying here and that is so valid. it actually reminds me of something that happened over my weekend which was a similar situation. i was going out and i knew there was going to be someone i didn't like there but i went anyway because you know i need to go out and live my life and not let anyone stop me. and i'd been invited by a friend so i said yes. it's a little different because obviously reader/az didn't know that the other would be there, so i totally see your perspective on it!

i think maybe also azriel just could've assumed that he'd be hanging out with rhys and cass on the weekends so he wouldn't ask if they had already made plans, and i could see cass and rhys not bringing up their planned engagements because they know azriel is kind of a lone wolf and sometimes goes off by himself and they know he doesn't care for reader so they just didn't say anything.

fey def trying to keep whatever is happening with her and rhys a secret 👀 which is def shitty to do to her roommate/best friend but again, fey could be feeling awk by bringing it up to reader again because she knows how much she doesn't like these guys. except cass

in the end, i think the same can be said where az might've just figured they'd all be chilling or what not so he was working on rhys' tattoo. i don't think their plans are solidified it's kind of like oh yeah we always chill so it goes unmentioned, which is also shitty, you're right, because cass and rhys would feel the same way and they really should've told az that they had plans.

you have absolutely every right to feel the way that you're feeling and thank you for bringing up these points and letting me know how you feel! I appreciate it 💙

#midnight muse #ask azsazz

[vander-affectionate]

Oh god you scared me.

How was your week? I'm guessing it's stressful, i hope you get better soon. I'm always here if you need to talk to someone about anything. Don't go hard on yourself! If you feel like you can't write or things like that you can obviously take a break. If you don't, maybe you can write something about taking care of a stressed Vander? Idk if that would help tho😞

this ask (T-T) thank you so much for sending this sal, i appreciate it. it's been a teeny, inchie little bit stressful, but getting an ask like this in the middle of it is as a good as a glass of water. don't worry, i'll be staying hydrated and i hope you will too, thank you so much for the request because you hit the nail right on the head so without further ado...

vander gets overwhelmed and has lowkey himbo vibes because he thinks a bonk on the head might solve his overthinking, but reader is stressed too. i had complete sensory overload while writing this so i have not edited this yet. reblog, reblog, reblog, and again, thank you so much for requesting this.

Vander huffs, leaning on the bar with a tankard in hand. The bar is closing up for the night, but he's not there to do it - no, actually, you sent him in the back for the remainder of the night after things got out of hand in the Drop's busiest hour.

The tankard slams hard on the coffee table and draws his hands up his face, into his hair, and then back down so the sharp cuts of his scruff stab his fingers when he breathes too hard. He wonders how sweet words and kisses over his forehead from a refreshing morning with you had turned to a sour, bristled night ending with none other than Vander himself initiating a bar fight that you had to break up. He grits his teeth and squeezes his eyes shut because it's embarrassing just to think about. It's not the fact that you had to bash him across the head with a tankard to get his attention.

"Hey."

There you are, opening the door with an elbow while simultaneously attempting to wipe your hands with a counter top rag, not the ones he tells you to use. He can't even scold you when there's some weak version of a flame in his chest fueling his embarrassment. He opts for staring at the fraying couch arm instead of words.

"Bar's empty, Benzo came 'round asking if you wanted to have drinks" you sit yourself on the opposite end of the couch on the arm, leaning on the thick cushions. "Told him you were mine for tonight, that okay?"

He huffs a sound, something dryly amused because where else would he rather be than swallowed up by the comfort of his own. He wants to rot in the embarrassment he's caused himself and he cannot be more thankful for you telling Benzo he was in for the night.

Vander's half paying attention. He doesn't see the way you frown at him or the way you ease off the couch and move around it to come near until you're sitting on the coffee table with a hand on his knee. He jumps and you withdraw your touch. He's surprised by your wide eyes directed at him, rather than the unamused glare he was expecting.

That's all you do for a second, both of you stare at each other until your hand stills in the air, halfway between you two, "is it okay for me to touch you?"

Vander chews the inside of his cheek, glaring at the couch and it pains him to shake his head. He's not sure how much he can take of you tonight, you're wonderful - beyond that actually, but everything is too much and you're- he's... words are a little hard for him.

But you can see it in the way he's stiff against the couch.

"That's okay," you stand up from the coffee table and move around it.

His eyes widen and you're stopped in your tracks by his hand curled around your wrist. His brows are knitted together and his lips pressed into a thin line, his words are clipped, "Don't leave." muttering a please that breaks in his throat.

Your fingers press and brush the inside of his wrist before you lean down to kiss his arm, keeping his gaze all the while, "I'm right here, Vander. I'm sitting over there, is that okay?"

His eyes flickers to the chair you've gestured to and you see his nose wrinkle. His features soften when he sees the upturn of your lips and he releases your hand, relaxing back into the couch cushions and watching you curl into a ball in the arm chair on his right that's too big for you. You're a vision of comfort and he leans his head back into the cushions while you both stare.

"Sorry about hitting you over the head," you prod the area on your head in the spot you clocked him earlier.

He shrugs, "Nothin' I didn't deserve."

Vander watches you curl your legs underneath yourself as you lean on the arm, closer to him. He turns his gaze because he doesn't want you seeing these feelings rearing their ugly heads. He needed that hit, he's convinced himself it helped calm him down and squints as he considers a second might be the hearty cool down he's missing.

"They really got to you tonight," your voice is still soft and he wants it to grate a nerve in him. He wants you to give him a reason to be angry at himself for his outburst tonight, but when he glances over at you he can't be.

Your cheek is squished against the frayed armchair upholstery and your eyes seem more like doe eyes than they ever have when you're staring up at him like he's hung the moon. He glances away and sees your mouth curl up and he wonders if you're deliriously believing he's hung the stars. Your eyes crinkle when your lips push into your cheeks and he swallows, maybe you're playing tricks on his heart.

"Why're y'stressed?" your nonchalance grates something in him and he throws his arms into the air and kicks the coffee table with the toe of his boot.

"Cause!" he snips, "It's pilin' up, shits been falling apart, the tankards need replacing, and I threw a couple of folks half way up the piltover bridge-" he rounds on you with fire in his eyes and he's standing to his full height across the room, kicking the fallen tankard and turning his back to you so he can run his hands through his hair. He swears up and down at everything including the fallen tankard to the accident he had when he cut his jaw shaving this morning.

"I'm exhausted and, I..."

He leans his head against the wall, away from you, and you sigh. He bites his lip and quietly scolds himself because he's being selfish, you're tired too and here he is complaining about all of this. He turns around, an apology on his tongue, but he doesn't get to face you because there's a cheek on his back.

He tenses and lifts a leg to see your socked feet behind his boots. You hadn't made a sound nor do you when you meet his eyes when he raises his arm and awkwardly bends his head to catch your gaze.

"Thank you for telling me." you offer yet another smile and it's only now that he can spot the droop to your eyes.

His lips part and that heated frustration in his chest, releases and unfurls seeing your kind smiles, "I've been stressed too. Thought I was the only one."

Vander turns around and cups your face in his hands, he rubs his fingers beneath your eyes that are only slightly sunken in because he forgets that keeping the bar open for an hour later doesn't only take its toll on him. You lean into the warm palms that cup your face and sigh, nuzzling your nose into their center and he draws you close, if only to let you curl against his chest and he watches you fully melt into him. Your shoulders sink and your fists curl into the fabric of his shirt. You shiver when his palm draws down the length of your back and he finds himself wrapping himself in you when he dips his head to bury his face in your neck. He pulls you off of your feet if only to keep you pressed to him and inhale your scent.

"I'm stressed too," he reiterates. Fingers press into your back, massaging and rolling the muscles there until you're moulding against him and nothing but an extension of himself when he moves the two of you to lie down on the couch, you ontop of him.

"You're not alone, Vander." you tilt your head up and stroke across his jaw, if only to get his attention and he melts into you, sighing and rolling you on your side so you're pressed to the cushions and his chest.

He presses his lips to your temple and rests there, sighing and curling his arms around your waist while you kiss whatever you can reach, his shoulder, his collar, and his neck. He nuzzles further into you and squeezes you in his ars.

"I know."

#the arcane x reader #the arcane vander #vander x reader #vander x you #the arcane imagines #the arcane oneshots #the arcane oneshot #vander imagine #vander oneshot #the arcane x y/n #vander x y/n #arcane x reader #vander fluff #vander angst #arcane angst #arcane fluff #arcane hurt comfort #i needed this #you don't know how much i needed this #vander is so nice #i barely finshed this because this checkmark draft thing kept popping up on the screen #guys im ike #whats teh word #overwhelmed?? #oversensitive #overstimulated rn #completely overstimulated rn and do not feel like edititing bc oversensory sucks #but i hope you liked this #reblog #reblgo reblog reblog

[ccalhoun]

Oh also another one for our dear Dano!Riddler because I love him too!! X male reader with optional smut ideas.

Maybe Edward is with a psychiatrist!reader in Arkham.

NSFW Ideas:

- They could become bonded and it leads to yknow kinda like harley quinn’s situation.

- Maybe Edward notices that the guards are too preoccupied to notice if he slips out one time, going into reader’s office, surprising him.

“I just couldn’t wait til’ our next session.”

Confesses his attraction and yeah sex happens lmao idk.

≻ ┄┄ ♡ ┄┄ ≺

Edward Nasthon x Psychiatrist!Male!Reader

req: yes!

warnings: male reader, bottom reader, reader can be read as trans or cis, top Edward, possessive Edward, Edward Nashton is a bit of a creep, sweet Edward, canon typical violence, psychiatrist x patient, fluff and smut, kind of short

note: sorry this took so long! i started writing a oneshot to go with this and forgot to actually post these

cut for length!

you were a psychiatrist at Arkham, working there because the human brain has always interested you

a new patient was admitted, Edward Nashton. You were the only psychiatrist that he would talk to so you two became close very quickly.

You both had weekly meetings where you learned that Edward was sweet and smart, he enjoyed riddles and puzzles (though he solved most of them quickly)

His favorite color was green so you often wore green outfits which he complimented profusely.

None of your colleagues understood how you could effortlessly get him to open up, but didn't complain as it at least helped him get better.

You got a special green pen for Edward, he loved to write and draw while you two talked so you figured a small gift wouldn't hurt anybody.

you went to your session as normal, setting down the paper and new pen you got for Edward. The therapy session went as every session did except that you didn't get the pen back from Ed.

Edward had waited until the guards were idly distracted, one watching the tv in their office and the other out using the bathroom. Ed had taken the pen apart and used it to quietly break out of his cell.

He didn't plan on escaping though, no, he was going to visit you.

You heard a knock on your office door, you got up, and answered it only to see Edward's 6'0 figure standing over you.

Edward's hand shot over your mouth and shoved you into your office, he closed and locked the door behind you two.

Explanations of what he was doing tumbled out of his mouth before you shushed him and asked why he broke out of his cell to see you when you two had a session earlier that day.

He ended up telling you that he loved you and needed you to know it, he thought of you every day and he even told you how attractive he finds you.

You had to admit, he was attractive himself and was nice. If he wasn't a patient you would probably date him, so you told him that.

"What's stopping you from dating me now?" "I don't see a problem with you dating me," and things of those sorts came from Edward, he wanted to date you and do more with you than just sessions where you assessed if he was mentally sane.

He gave some compelling arguments and you agreed under the condition he doesn't tell anyone about it.

Edward kissed you he was so happy and he was a surprisingly good kisser, his hands were on your hips and yours were tangled in his hair.

He backed you onto your desk and one thing led to another which led to Edward fucking you while you were bent over your desk. He was gentle and knew exactly how to make you cum.

After that, you were extra careful to cover up your tracks. At least once a week, Edward said he would only talk to you if there were no cameras in the room and no one watching you two. That always either led to you getting fucked or you two cuddling in the room.

Edward also went out of his way to make your time a little easier. A patient is giving you shit? Whoops! They seem to have been killed under mysterious circumstances.

Your boss is being an asshole? He'll be sure to get at least one punch in the next time he sees the old prick.

You were just the small, helpless, adorable psychiatrist to him! Even when you two are intimate it shows.

He loves that he's taller than you, it turns him on. When he's fucking you, he likes to hold your hand or press his chest against your back and cover your form.

He loves pet names that show belonging to him (my baby, my sweet boy, stuff like that)

If you also use pet names like that I think he would instantly dedicate his life to you

You're his and he's yours, which means he does get jealous but let him bend you over your desk and slowly thrust into you until your begging for more and he'll feel ok again!

Once your boss almost catches on, Ed quickly covers up with the clever plan to fake attack you during a session. He put on the act of being pissed all day and lunged at you when you opened the door. The guard saw and reported it, meaning you two got to keep dating after all!

Once he gets his official "sanity" certificate, he is let free and you two start living together.

Eventually, you're able to quit your job at Arkham and get a new one, Ed appreciates being able to see you more.

≻ ┄┄ ♡ ┄┄ ≺

#ccalhoun #edward nashton #edward nashton x you #edward nashton x reader #male reader #ftm reader

[petruchio]

hope this isn't a weird and irrelevant reply to your personal post but honestly i really get what you mean. tbh i've been there too. i get how being in a place where you're confident in some aspects of yourself and doing enviable (?) things can be pretty isolating, especially if you're (perceived as) a woman, you feel like you're good at [insert some skills that matter to you], and you generally like the way you look. it can feel like you lack empathy because you don't share some of the insecurities that people around you experience and bond over (though you may be struggling with something different that they don't get), it can feel like you can't tell if you're a good friend or not because others talk about you in terms of what you've accomplished or what you have rather than who you are as a person, it can feel like your positive emotions aren't real because they're atypical and viewed as "unrelatable" idk. i feel like loving yourself and believing in your abilities is a net good but not a substitute for being around people who actually relate to your experiences. for me it's essentially feeling likable but not understandable (or understood), and ime it's something that isn't "solved" by having a lot of friends. it makes sense if you feel like that's not enough. not sure if any of this is actually similar to what you're going through, but i hope you get the chance to be around people who Get It, and i hope you feel less alone soon. you seem like a genuinely kind person on top of being great at writing/analysis -- i love the way you write about the things you're excited about. wishing you all the best <3

it's not weird or irrelevant AT ALL! it honestly always does make me feel better when i come on here and speak about something i'm struggling with and other people say, hey, yeah, me too. especially when the thing i'm complaining about is feeling alone, it's comforting to know that other people feel the same way. like, we're all lonely together, which makes us less alone in our loneliness.

and yeah i think you're right -- confidence is one of those weird things where the more you work on it, the more difficult it can become to relate to other people. people are always telling me i'm so confident and asking my advice on things and i'm always like... idk how to tell you to just stop caring what people are thinking. i mean, obviously i do care what people think of me, but maybe the problem is that because i'm my own worst critic, i can't imagine anyone hating me more than i already hate myself, which paradoxically means that i assume everyone loves me? or maybe it's because i can't imagine anyone genuinely giving a shit about what i do, so it's easy to just do whatever i want. because it's not that i don't care what people think, but just that i pretty much assume they aren't thinking about me, so why would i bother trying to impress them? (like some of my friends will describe in detail the logic behind their instagram story posts. and i'm just like... do you really think other people are noticing this? do you really think people care that much what you, some random person, is posting? it's kind of crazy to spend so much time thinking about yourself through the lens other people. just post if you think it's funny, or don't. nobody is actually thinking that much about you.)

but to your point, i feel like that is kind of where a lot of the loneliness comes from. because people describe certain insecurities or thought patterns that they have, and i'm just like yeah i truly cannot relate to that, or yeah, i would never do that. and when i do express things i'm struggling with, people act so shocked and never offer any kind of support because they're like "but your life is so perfect!" (which is INSANE! nobody has a perfect life! and i know it sounds like the most obnoxious problem ever, like oh my life is so great that nobody believes me when i say i'm still inexplicably sad, but it is a really isolating and lonely existence!!) and then i guess it kind of becomes a cycle where people say or do certain things, i don't relate to them at all, and then i wonder why i'm still struggling so much even though i'm honestly doing fine, and then i feel guilty for even struggling or feeling down because i don't really know what else i can do to get better, since again, i'm objectively doing fine.

i get what you mean about feeling likable but not understandable. recently i was on a second or third date with someone, and i had this weird out of body experience where it was like, i could see myself doing everything right -- i could see that he was totally into me and that i was saying all the right things and laughing at the right times and making the right jokes, but i didn't feel like a person? i knew i could make him like me, and that it wouldn't even be that hard, but i knew he would never actually know me, not even if we kept dating for years. he would always have just "liked" me, like you said. it was a really weird and uncomfortable feeling. i came home and wrote in my journal "sometimes i feel like i'm so good at pretending to be a person that i don't feel like i'm actually a person at all"

SORRY for these long rambling answers. i guess i'm feeling some type of way about my inability to function normally lately. being 24 is just weird i guess. it's uncomfortable and awkward and frustrating, and so much of it feels like this sense of cognitive dissonance between being really good at acting like an adult but still feeling like you just want to scream and cry and throw things like a toddler but you know you can't. i guess someday it will all make sense. or maybe it won't. but i'll keep writing about it either way <333

#answered #anonymous

[grapecaseschoices]

Idk if you've been asked this before but what would you like to see more of in IF genre wise and RO wise. Are there any tropes you wish were more prevalent or genres?

i may have? [i think so!] but thoughts change. so it's all good in the hood.

My response to the first one would always be more diversity. More characters of color, more characters of different ethnicities, variety in body types. More characters with disabilities. More short male and nonbinary ROs. More amazonian female and nonbinary ROs.

I've seen some improvement in body types, at least from the recent IFs I've been eyeing, especially when the ROs don't have pictures but more is always great.

As for TYPES:

For IFs:

I'm a historical romance fan, so I would love to see more of those. In general. I don't mean in a magical world [though I will get that to it], but slice of life during the Harlem Jazz Era, murder mystery in Japan in the 1930s, etc. And if you MUST, must, must do it in a European setting [nothing wrong with that, I love a good Regency romance], there is no reason for it to be all white. Or even entirely white. 1- I don't care about historical inaccuracies [half the time people get corsets and medical stuff wrong anyway] 2- if you MUST be accurate, do your research.

Though, I do love fantastical/sci-fi in historical settings. And I don't mean aliens made the pyramids [don't try it]! More like a Victorian era IF making influence of the steampunk genre [which go hand in hand]. Or netflix's taking zombies and putting them in ancient Korea [is it Korea? I don't watch those shows]. Give me elves in the Mayan empire. Or maybe something like where people advanced tech-wise but the social mores are very Regency. "Urban" Fantasy in Imperial China. Werewolves vs Vampires but make them Vikings.

More isekai IFs. Both in how they do it in manga/manhwa but also like a Kid In King Arthur's court, kind of vibe. You're not Alice but you're in Wonderland.

I love the slices of life coming out. Particularly the ones that are inspired by shows. I want more of that! Maybe even films.

I want more witches and werewolves. That is it. Separate. Together. Any era. I want them.

I also want more stories with the Fae. Changelings and hobgoblins and The Hunt. Tam Lin and kelpies and trades. The nightmarish stuff.

More stories about second chances in life, especially for older characters.

Um. I had more thoughts but I've lost them.

ROs.

Second chance! But something like you and your ex got a divorce, but there are kids [hi thicker than!]. Or the one who got away in high school/college [hi dropout!]. I don't want fresh feelings being washed out [though that's nice]. I want scratching at old scabs. I want you thought these feelings were dead but they're back. Or they did die, but now we're different people and -- oh, hello ... again?

Speaking of second chance. I would like more ROs who have pasts. Lost loves. Heartbreaks. Mistakes they've made and they're trying again.

Tired of alpha men. More 'alphas' of other genders.

I want ROs who are messes. And not in the shy, awk introvert~ Who is sometimes klutzy but its cute! I mean someone who thinks they're good with people but is actually a disaster. Characters who are angry. And mourning. And have their own issues that make them imperfect. That also won;t be solved just because MC is there.

This.

This.

Friends to Lovers to Enemies to Friends and then Lovers again.

Enemies to Enemies with Benefits to Grudging Friends to Bickering Lovers.

Older ROs.

MORE FAKE DATING/MARRIAGE PLEASE!

A King and a Lionheart. But make it dark.

And my all time fave: this right here.

#anon #grapecase answers #long post #thanks for the ask anon #i sorta smooshed relationship tropes with type of ros i want #i expanded my brain on types of IFs #idk if i have types of ros i want to see more of other than older and more characters of color #i think if i were to do types i might have to focus on a specific genre #liike what i want from slice of life ros. what i want to see in urban fantasy ros. etc #i will say more personalities for e. asian ros that isn't shy/awk or cold and stoic. and more personaliies for black ros that isn't #the soft and supportive bff #im sleepy i will ponder tho. #honestly my shipping tropes/ship inspo tags could give you a great picture #but this gives me so much food for thought anon #so thanks <3 :-D

[naaicha]

so i am slowly watching s2 of good omens with my family and i suppose so far i’m.. lukewarm on it? it IS funny which is good but also i can’t help but notice how much it’s become the heaven and hell show and it feels very much like gaiman is sort of spinning his wheels with that. the zombie stuff was like you get some silly gags i guess but it kinda comes out of nowhere and i’m like i REALLY wish you would just get back to solving the damn mystery actually

the flashback scenes were a fun addition in s1 but this season it just seems like a rehash of the same stuff. ostensibly i guess it’s showing all the times crowley was nice but again. we already know he does that so it’s not really adding anything new. like leave that to the fanfiction writers actually bc that’s what fanfiction is for.

i understand why the them wouldn’t be in the show anymore bc kids grow up but the decision to have none of the human characters come back is really disappointing for me i guess. even if i didn’t LOVE the execution in s1 (newt…) i think anathema’s arc finishes in a really interesting place also she was like my favorite character when i was a kid and she’s a quintessential pratchett Sensible Woman Character so i’m biased. but i love her and i miss her. so yeah basically everything i said the other day is still true. good omens as a book is about how wonderful and unpredictable humanity is and that’s simply not what this show is about. which is fine i can judge it and even enjoy it on other levels as long as we all understand it’s a Different Thing

maybe with less detours it could be a fun tight little mystery because that seems to be the angle they’re going for? sometimes? i like that as an idea but eh idk if it’s working for me yet but i have 2 more episodes left.

cant weigh in on the romance yet and i haven’t been paying that much attention but i am somewhat. wary of turning the characters into the fanfiction versions of themselves? but also maybe i’m a bad person to ask bc i don’t have a hard stance one way or the other on making the old man yaoi happen. like morally i support the concept but personally it’s not a NEED. i do think it’s a bit retconny to have them consider each other friends pre-s1 because there is the humor of them pretending to associate just for work when actually they just like hanging out

i’m not sure if they’re spinning it like crowley has been actively pining for millennia but i will say. if i were going to write this as a romance from s1 it’s like, these two characters have always had each other around so they take that relationship for granted and the impending armageddon makes them reevaluate what they actually care about. that’s what makes something like crowley thinking aziraphale actually got taken out in s1 a big moment because it’s like oh wait, the idea of losing this person is the scariest thing to me. so like if you want you could dedicate some time to characters working through their feelings properly and hitting the romcom beats. i think they’re doing a lot of the relationship development in flashbacks but they should have just done that in present day imo. even though i know period dress is fun to do

#uhhh this is my mid season review. i guess #as a longtime good omens expert. (this is a joke) #milk tea talk

[paranormeow7]

CAN I PLEASE HEAR ABOUT GAVIN AND SAM.... i saw eating corpses and angels and went oh! well i must know

yes absolutely I’m so glad u asked!!!!!! i love talking abt my horrible ocs LAWLZ- I actually have Gavin’s backstory in my writing tag but I would love to talk abt him and Sam more now bc they are very dear to me… basically Sam is one of the last remaining members of an ancient alien race that are like planet sized and have crazy magic and shit. They sort of just hung out in space until people on other planets begun to notice them and worship them as gods, with the aliens deciding to try and fill the role, watching over the planets and their inhabitants. Sam and Gavin live on a fucked up post apocalyptic future earth populated with spirits and demons and shit but more on that later. A big reason the planet is so fucked is that Earths inhabitants began to fear Sams species and decided to try and kill them, mostly succeeding, except for one child who rocketed to Earth and got stuck in a much smaller and more comprehensible form until their “awakening”. Sam always felt connected to the deities though, and became one of the last remaining believers. He would always go out and look at the corpse of Earths former protector in the sky and pray before going to bed. One day, a single tear fell from its eye and splashed Sam and all the memories just flooded back. She basically went like “OH SHIT IM GOD I GUESS” and became a biblically accurate angel kaiju thing because cringe culture is dead lol. It doesn’t make a lot of sense but hey we ball- I don’t have a lot of the story planned out OOPS, but a lot of it is based on spirituality and how religion can’t solve your problems, you have to take care of them yourself, meant in a literal sense, because Sam waited most of their life for someone to save her, but ended up becoming the very thing he prayed to every night. Idk man I’ve had this OC since 2017 maybe I get to go a little wild

about Gavin, this is where we come back to the spirits and stuff !!!! he shares his body with a demonic cat spirit in a sort of parasitic symbiotic relationship. This cat was literally just some roadkill stray, but as the fury and ambition built up in its soul, it became a horrific and tyrannical monster with no trace of its older self. It believed that since it’s life was taken away with such little care, it should be allowed to do the same to others in order for its power to grow, so that eventually it can get back the life it believed it was owed. This demon stalked Gavin his whole life because he saw the spark of that same ambition and rage in him, and decided to get him killed so it could take his body and use it for its own gain. Gavin also believed that he deserved to continue living as long as he wanted to, so when this spirit offered to bring him back for the price of complete control over his own soul, he took the deal. The demon needs living souls to be able to gain enough power to communicate with the higher level spiritual beings, so he would make Gavin eat animals and people in order to get that from him. After a while though, Gavin started to kill by himself. He was abused for most of his life leading up to his death, so he started to kill and eat random people that he saw his abusers in. He believes that not only do these people owe him their lives, that he’s doing the world a favor by getting rid of them. Over time, he loses most of the compassion he had in the past and becomes more and more like the demon he shares his body with, because after everything he’s been through, the world owes him that, doesn’t it? Basically, he’s awful, but he’s also very silly and he has a partner who’s the only person he actually likes LOL

This is incomprehensible I’m so sorry I hope this made even a shred of sense- whablalgavkq

#actual sugar post #beetle writes #long post #ocs #my ocs #original characters #Sam #Gavin #oc world

[strwberriehore]

I don’t want to “work”

I don’t want a “job”

I feel like I can’t after the last few years

Plus I’ve hated every job I’ve ever had and I can’t think of anything I can do

I just want a family

That’s all I care about

Plus it’s actually rewarding

I do worry since I’ll be 30 this year so I have less than 10 years to have kids and every year it’ll just get harder

Realistically I have maybeee 10 ish years of my parents left since they had me around 40 and if my sister is really dead then I’ll really be alone

Scary to think I could be the last one to die, everyone dies but I guess you either die early enough to not suffer the deaths of others or you live long enough to experience losing everyone you ever loved which sounds so lonely and sad

I know I have cousins and other aunts but it’s different than your immediate family

I wonder if my aunt is dead, I still have to check but it seemed more real this time :(

If someone is faking my sister’s death then they are going really far, I saw a body at the morgue but for my sister to be alive that had to be a doll or something…

Got her ashes back already too

I keep finding loop holes that could mean she’s still alive. But then I also see stuff that tells me she really is gone…

Could be denial, it’s one of the many stages of grief like anger sadness etc

Telling myself she’s not dead is the only way I can function right now or else I’m constantly crying and gagging on my snot and shaking. And basically can’t do anything. Which I also noticed raises my blood pressure(weird but I checked I’m a nurse) so in order to preserve what’s left of my sanity and health I try to avoid doing that( I felt like the headache and high blood pressure from crying mixed with family history of stroke/heart attack made me too scared to continue doing that)

Every now and then I catch myself slipping into sadness about my sister on accident, if I think about it too much I basically get an anxiety attack

I kinda don’t want to believe it until more time passes, keep feeling like I need more proof and I’m waiting for her to come back home and laugh in my face for falling for such an evil prank that someone paid her to go along with, plus the timing is too suspicious… like it can’t be a coincidence

But imagine getting a fake dead body, fake ashes, get all her friends in on it, (can’t tell if my parents are in on it but I think so and it doesn’t help I’ve seen my dad fake cry before) , I saw a video of police talking to my dad at the front door but I couldn’t hear what the cop said exactly ( maybe old video or cop said something else like dog ran away and bit someone etc etc idk) the amount of effort is…scary, like what do you want from me?

This is the issue with a lot of people, instead of communicating the issue they just act weird and hope I somehow read their mind. Like if you act weird but don’t tell me what’s going on I won’t know what your issue is so it won’t get solved. If you want to solve a problem then talk to me so I can fix it, if you don’t talk to me then the problem will never get fixed, why do people think I can read minds??? How am I supposed to know what you want if you don’t tell me

It seems like soooo much work to trick me into thinking my sister is dead when she isn’t. Super creepy and weird and scary because WHY?! like I’m so confused, if you’re mad at me communicate with me? Or leave me alone if you don’t like me? It’s so much work and effort to pull off if fake. Like Hollywood movie budget to pull off. Even drove up here for it and my mom took time off work, which bothers me because she even said her sister got a new car meanwhile I get evicted and have debt and no car. Like you all seem to have a lot of money yet I’m suffocating in debt. If I had money and my sister or cousin etc needed some I’d help them. I feel like people are hurting me in ways I would never do to them and that makes it harder to deal with. I love my sister and I heard someone say “oh but you guys didn’t talk much or get along right?” Like wtf and someone else said same thing about my miscarriage like it’s for the better or something when I really want a family. Like it sounded too similar and my friend kept going to the bathroom and I’m now assuming it was to talk to someone, maybe Cody, if kels that’s disgusting… why not just leave me alone, what do you want from me exactly? Like do you have a specific goal? You could just block me on everything and stop watching me and really abandon me but you keep watching me and talking to me..personally I don’t hate watch or understand why someone would do that so I assume the same in most people

Like it’s so much time money and effort I wonder if someone would dedicate that much of themselves into just trying to hurt me, knowing I have nothing when they have everything if they have the resources to throw away like that. Seems evil like if I were to look for a homeless person and attack them. I’ve let people live with me when they told me they were kicked out. yet I couldn’t get that…

Kinda how I feel about the attacks from kels…like just go away. At least I know how bad of a person he is. But since he went too far I’ll never stop seeking justice for what kels did to me, ever. I need it after everything he stole from me. I was attacked by a disgusting rat! Even if Cody doesn’t want me, if I find someone that does, I’ll have them do it instead. Idc if that’s in 5 years, I still need it. He killed my baby and broke into my home too. This ends when I get justice, and only then.

Seems like Cody is throwing away a/our family. We could have 4 kids and be grandparents and love each other. Since he is the father of my child and all that I lost because of him, this is realistically going to take me years to fully recover emotionally. It wasn’t a one night stand with a stranger, he got me pregnant and we were going to be a family and that’s not easy to lose. Financially though…maybe never unless I get my payout for unnecessary suffering. I can’t afford to live and I was robbed, no school or job since those were attacked too. Youre stalking me…look up stalking please. You have to see it’s too much at once, prove to me you’re capable of empathy and stop hurting me for sport. If he does want me there’s so much he has to fix it almost seems less and less likely as more shit piles up to fix. Which hurts so much. It would take so much to repair my trust, there never used to be this much pain between us, I wish I knew what happened to him and why. I’m so heartbroken over losing our baby.

I feel like I cried so much the past few years

If my sister really is dead, I’d want more kids since she didn’t have any, making me an only child

If she’s really dead it makes me want to kill myself less to do what she couldn’t

If she’s alive then I kinda want to die, like she can do everything I wish i could’ve done and she’s the favorite and I have nothing

Reasons to stay alive: my cats and spite

It’s the amount of effort going into this that makes me think this is real, but I see a lot of reasons why it’s fake too. Like the timing and cause of death is way to suspicious. The entire time I haven’t fully believed that she’s gone because of my past.

Both situations are horrible, I’d rather she be alive obviously but the effort into hurting me is creepy and and hard to forgive. Like I already have trust issues and it’s easy to cry when thinking of losing someone you love. Almost wonder if it was done to hurt my parents if they aren’t in on it tbh…like I’m kinda used to people faking deaths like gone girl at this point so I need as much proof as possible, throughout this entire “thing” I’ve been saying it’s fake. Now I wanna give everyone 6 months after they die to check if they really died. If it’s fake I really hope my parents ARENT in on it so they can feel what it’s like to have someone fake a death to hurt you. Idk what the goal is but you won’t achieve it by being creepy so if you’re mad I’ll probably keep doing things to make you mad after this lol wasted time and money when you could’ve just talked to me, weird af “ or I wonder if it was done to get me out of that therapy appointment I said I didn’t want to go to, well I didn’t go lol or done to hurt my parents for bad they treat me and wasn’t done to hurt me ? Or was done to hurt all of us? I have no idea or was done because I was mad at mila for betraying me…you let a man break into the home I was in. Ive seen posts online I can relate to this like about giving away clothes and stuff about sisters and crying and looking crazy instead of dumb and etc like I’m seeing too many patterns like her cause of death is what happened to me over a year ago but I’m pretty sure I’m alive. She since we don’t get along I can see her doing something to hurt me, not so much the parents. And after my mom and I argued the Alexa played a girl upset saying where am I supposed to go? Like a war child upset over losing everything. What a coincidence after she kept threatening to kick me out. I even told her to buy me a tent first. Plus she’s been crying too much, making me think she isn’t in on it (or she’s really dead or the best actor ever wtf or will get paid millions if I fully fall for the prank so she has to over sell it?)

This kinda reminds me of my miscarriage since my baby died and my mom keeps saying my baby died, except that was 100% real and I felt that pain physically too, obviously I didn’t spend 26 years with my baby but that was still my baby. That will always be me and Cody’s child. Cody that will always be your baby and you will always be the father of my child and I will always be the mother of your child. Something kels will never be able to say truthfully. Poly relationships never work long term, didn’t you want kids? Maybe we grieve differently but I still want a family.

I look at my life and I don’t see it getting better, the past was horrific, present isn’t good either

If it doesn’t then I don’t see the point

I can’t afford to live and working makes me want to die too

If I don’t get Cody or a payout then i probably will die. I literally can’t afford to live or do anything.

There’s another possibility about the Cody situation that really scares me almost more than anything and I’m not going to say it since I know people hate read and hate watch… but if that’s true then hopefully the person behind that gets the punishment they deserve, but I also see ways that theory is wrong thank god. I also wonder if this isn’t true but people say it is to hurt me. I think it’s worse if this scenario is the truth/real one like automatic panic. If this is the real one then it would be best to not hurt me on top of that. I feel like no one is telling me the truth and I already have trust issues. Autism doesn’t help, I need clear, blunt, straight to the point, no beating around the bush communication and people keep talking to me in riddles and hints but won’t actually tell me what they’re talking about and it gives me anxiety but I have no idea what people are saying to me. Kinda feels like discrimination done on purpose with intent. But if they wanted me to understand them they would’ve been normal and not used metaphors every other sentence. Oh well their fault and shows me who my real friends are.

I grew up poor and abused in every way including sexually. Bullied at school and online and at home, leaving me with no safe space. Not home, not school, not online, and it only gets harder as you get older. I’ve lost everything. I have no where to go.

I need something like make me a gofundme or something

You can’t expect anything good from me when I’m surrounded by horrible things like my parents and the bullying and etc…

When good things happen you’re happy and when bad things happen you’re sad. Common sense right, so after what I’ve been through makes sense id be a little upset

What is going on omg

[benbamboozled]

If I were supreme overlord of DC I'd write a limited series on an "alternative earth" that started with anon's idea of Jason’s very bad no good mental slideshow of horrors, continued with your response of "batboys discuss their traumas & Bruce has a moment of "oh God what have I done??"" And ends with Bruce trying to retire the cowl & turn himself into GCPD as a serial child abuser because "he can't trust himself because he's lived long enough to become the very thing he's fighting against" but when he goes to tell the JL why exactly he's leaving Ollie beats the shit out of him and tells him that he doesn't deserve to give up, that all he's doing is failing his kids once again, and what he needs to do is try and be better, and respect their decisions etc. etc. Which ends in him confronting his kids, injecting himself with a truth serum (because he's still perpetually incapable of communicating with them), telling them that he loves them, they're not failures, he's failed them, he's sorry, etc. etc. And them having responses that vary from "I know you were trying to deal with your traumas and while you could have done a better job, I appreciate you acknowledging it now. I forgive you & you're still my dad." To "You fucked me up beyond repair, I'll never be the same, but for some god forsaken reason I still love you dad." To "Your traumas are no excuse for the way you've treated us. I don't think I can ever see you as my dad again, but maybe we can work towards being friends/colleagues/allies." And everything in between. That way we get acknowledgement of his sometimes shitty behavior while facing no long-term consequences to the Batman titles, it's an alt-earth story so others can brush it off, and we have a reason to return to the softer, more caring Batman we all know and love.

he can't trust himself because he's lived long enough to become the very thing he's fighting against

Anon…

Nonny (if I may)…

You either…*looks around*

You either die a hero…*nobody can stop me*

You either die a hero OR *I’ve immediately gone mad with power*

YOU EITHER DIE A HERO OR LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO SEE YOURSELF BECOME THE VILLAIN!!!!!

I HAD TO.

But anyway, see, this is the sort of out-of-continuity storyline that would justify the existence of “Black Label,” to me.

DC wants to do “Mature” stories…but the level of maturity is like “what if we showed Batman’s dick???” or idk whatever was going on in Three Jokers that meant it had to be published on Black Label. (Gore? Maybe??? Idk.)

And like…it doesn’t have to be “A Very Special Episode”! You could have the whole thing wrapped up in a mystery plot, or start in medias res with Bruce in Batjail or something…maybe Jason is in a Magical Coma and they go to get him out and, tah-dah! Sad stuff! And then mystery of Who Put Jason In A Coma And Why collides with Bruce Wayne Needs Some Personal Accountability.

(And thematically, the true mystery the batkids are trying to solve is their own lived experiences.)

Let’s throw Hugo Strange at them. He likes the mind games. (The phrase “sticky and hot” rolls through my mind like Thunder…uncontrollable. Impossible to contain.)

(iykyk.)

ANYWAY, the point is, I approve your Supreme Overlord plan, and I would like to be the High Chancellor of Clone Babies, and I would like DC to branch out more when it comes to what they can do with alternate lines/continuities/what have you.

(Okay and for my own angst-love, since I’m brainstorming for this story that doesn’t actually exist, Jason breaks Bruce out of Batjail because they NEED him out there…but as Jay and Bruce are out having a magical mystery tour it becomes clear that it’s less about “the case” needing Bruce and more about Jason needing his coping mechanisms reinforced, and eventually Bruce is like “oh…oh no…I see what’s happening here.”)

#ask answered #cw abuse #yes this is your high chancellor of clone babies speaking #jason todd #brainstorming about plotlines that won’t ever exist

[karamell-sweetz]

hey i would love to hear you rant about the balance in utmv and why it sucks

kris you are my sole enabler. thank you.

short version: the balance doesn't make sense and is overused.

long version: below. might wanna strap in, i don't know how long it is...

⚠️ the following statements are all /lh and are not intended to offend anyone. to anyone currently writing/making something involving the balance, please keep going, i'm sure it'll be great! i'm just getting tired of seeing it over and over again (so i decided to start the revolution /j). ⚠️

❗️also, slight tw: slight mentions of sewer slide, slight mentions of body horror❗️

first of all, the whole fgod error thing is okay. it's a cute concept – actually, maybe all of the "error's broken and bleeding bones" and "error flung himself into the void to escape it all" is more disturbing than cute, but you get what i mean – and i will respect this. i'm pretty sure that 'healing what has been broken' was the pioneer for destructivedeath and errormare — and this i can acknowledge! i just want to let people know that i am getting tired of seeing the same thing over and over again... which is why i'm writing a rant.

my first gripe with the balance: it exists. the whole shtick with the balance is that it's a limitation of sorts, a rule of thumb for ink and error to follow when they're doing their little multiversal god things. now tell me: if the multiverse/doodle sphere is a representation of the creative activity of the entire fandom...... why does it have a maximum capacity anyway? technically, new things are being created every single second of every single day, so if they were to come into existence at the same time then i think error would be rendered immobile at this point, according to the lore of the fgod au.

it'd be like: "*clenches soul area* aw crap. ink's making another useless au again *drops onto the floor* aw crap and another one *writhes* why the heck are there so many aughhhhhhh"

this leads to my second gripe: in a lot of these kinds of fics it's shown that ink is the creator of all the universes.

now that's fine and dandy, but canonically ink doesn't create shit.

he's the multiversal protector, meaning that he just makes sure they don't die. it's not like he himself made the characters within them suffer (in fact i'm pretty sure he doesn't really care for the people anyway, so the existence of the council is just. clever but strange), that's our fault because we made the au, not him! so really if we want to make error suffer less then we're going to have to leave the fandom for absolute dead or sth,,,,, which at this point is sort of impossible. (personally, i have been stuck here for around five years now and i always come back no matter how hard i try to leave.)

oh and i know that he can make living things like gaster blasters and stuff, but he's still the multiversal protector so that shouldn't mean that he can make whole aus on the spot. and i also know that this is an au in itself, but this is sort of a really important detail i think? i hope nobody's sleeping on this.

a third, sort of minor gripe: the concept of sides is also really strangely handled. ink's little council thing is fun tbh but everyone's such a shallow bitch and it's frustrating (which is sort of the point ig but it's worse when that's how they're portrayed in EVERY. SINGLE. BALANCE. FIC.) and i know that there are insiders like blue and idk fresh ig...... but this isn't a spy mission? just communicate with the other side? nightmare's gang is the only redeemable thing about this au because their dynamics are so cute (and i'm a murder time trio + cross fan so i just think it's neat), but even they're kinda shallow sometimes. and also (thank you for this one kris) i thought that positivity and negativity were meant to coexist? there's absolutely NO reason, NONE, why the council couldn't just. get the other team into the meeting and talk it out with them?! it's so easy to solve your problems?? just use your tiny pea brains a little??? my frickingh god???? like literally all of this could have been solved if y'all just TALKED for once oml.

and now for my fourth, final, and largest gripe of all: IT'S SO OVERUSED. i'm not even talking about the balance itself, the plotlines for this au are all copypastes too! for example, error having to sit down with ink and tell him about the balance? ink getting upset about his ignorance? heard it at least five times, honey. what next, are they going to go and save the multiverse from your oc character who just so happens to be messing with everything? and maybe you'll become friends...... oR sOmEtHinG mOrE?

(great bricks, if i see the phrase 'friends..... or something more????.??.????' one more time i am going to rip myself apart.)

i will acknowledge that there are some original things out there, but most of the premises are still the same. and in most of these ink and the council are absolute jerks for no reason at all. please. please please please i'm so tired. if i see one more thing about error jumping into the void istg i will jump with him. (sorry i ran out of steam here but you get what i mean right? the balance is everywhere!)

anyway tldr: screw the balance. it doesn't make sense and it's been milked to hell and back.

thanks for your interest in my (maybe unpopular?) opinion. you are free to disagree (or join me in the revolution!)

ps: im sorry this is a long-ish post. i had a shorter version that i put on my wattpad but it didn't sound very persuasive so i wrote this chunky thing.

pps: i might have gotten some things wrong (i've been stuck in rhythm game hell for about six months now) so feel free to correct me about things! (*´-`)

#utmv #karamell yells #screw the balance #undertale au #can't believe my first two posts about my favourite fandom are part of my screw the balance agenda #man..... #if only i had more things to talk about

[pensarecool2]

cw: vent. click to read.

I really hate the idea that """painkillers""" and """antidepressants""" are anything more than just 100% placebos. Whenever I try to talk about this, I get accused of being a liar or a conspiracy theorist or some shit. No. The actual fucking bullshit conspiracy is that """pain medication""" actually does anything for pain. It does not. Either every single time I have consumed any form of pain med throughout my entire life, it has been a complete dud, or maybe they don't fucking do shit. """Antidepressants"" have never made me not depressed and not want to die. The only reason I'm alive at this point is because I'm a coward, and it would make my partner upset. The whole fucking medical industry is a fucking scam. The idea that medication is useful is so fucking bullshit. And even if it did fucking work (which there is no way it does) it is not like you can get it in the United States unless you have like fucking magical abilities because psychiatrists and other doctors are violently allergic to actually listening to patients or helping them. They all literally care about two things, money, and getting you to shut the fuck up and go away. They could care less if you live or die or actually need help. I fucking HATE therapists and social workers. They are fine with you potentially killing yourself, so long as it means they don't have to deal with you anymore and it is bullshit. I have never acted with any kind of doctor whatsoever and had them not be a piece of shit.

When I was forced to get ear surgery (I forget what it was for but I think it was supposed to fix my hearing and I was highly pressured to get it when I was 14 without understanding much about it) the surgery left me in severe pain for more than a month of recovery. When I had a follow up appointment to check my hearing, my results were so bad that I was told that I was lying for attention, and actually the surgery was a success and my hearing was fine.

When I finally managed to get top surgery, I was fucking traumatized in the hospital bed cause I was all prepped and shit and ready and this fucking piece of shit asshole surgeon comes out and is like "oh you have to have stopped testosterone before surgery, go home and we'll reschedule" which isn't even a really medically necessary requirement or anything, just his random bullshit preference. Sure he ended up doing a good job but this combined with some other weird shit (he was a top surgeon who somehow didn't know what gender dysphoria was?? Idk he was the best option available) idk that fucking upset me.

Last time I went to the mental hospital, I was isolated, and forced to have the shittiest room (it had a window so anyone could look in and the curtain was super thin and on the outside so it let in so much hallway light that I could not sleep, also the room had only a bed so I had to put all my stuff on the floor even though all the other rooms had shelves and I was lied to and kept expecting new furniture) BECAUSE I AM TRANS. Even the other single rooms were bigger and nicer. I was told that the policy was because I am transitioning and it was heavily implied it was because I might assault someone. I was forced into the shittiest room, I think intended for those on suicide watch(?) because I was inherently seen as a predator because I have had top surgery and am on Testosterone. Speaking of that shitty fucking hospital, they did not set me up with any help once I left like they said they would. They just fucking made an account for me on this app called "Aptihealth" which I do not think qualifies as healthcare and should be shut down.

Literally every therapist I have ever had is identical. They sit there and listen to you talk about your trauma, and then they go "oh you mentioned you have a pet. tell me about the pet" and then give you no advice on anything, and encourage you to direct the conversation to bullshit that does not matter, tell you to solve your own problems, and then go "well we're reaching the end of the session, does this time next week work for you?" Like ok, I guess that discussing fucking random tv shows or other fun shit is more enjoyable of trying to work through how my father raped me as a child but why am I paying you $20 I cannot afford because I have no income, and getting assistance takes fucking forever, and I cannot be alone or unsupervised without having a full on mental breakdown for you to ask me what discord is when I randomly bring it up. I swear to god the number of fucking therapists that hear me mention a social media site, and go "oh what's that? explain it in detail" when I mention it as part of explaining something else. Shut the fuck up you old fucking cunt and give me resources to help me with my issues other than some shit you found off page one of Google that I already tried and know does not work.

Ok so there was one "therapist" that wasn't like this, she was worse. I saw her for more than a decade of my life. She worked at some small clinic and her only """"qualification"""" was being an art therapist. My dad would pay her to encourage me to blindly obey him and see him as without fault because he "loves me" because he is my father. She would encourage him to actively ignore me when I was suicidal, and was a big fan of making sure I stayed brainwashed. I don't know how much she was aware of the things my father did, but if he told her to talk to me about how I was "misbehaving" too much, or not doing well with homework or not listening to him, by god she would deal with that. Clearly, the reason why my grades were taking in high school was because I was lazy, and me saying I almost always had an active plan was because I just wanted to get out of doing the homework in the advanced classes I was pressured to take and I couldn't read the textbooks because I was lazy and not because I was not at that reading level. Also that bitch convinced me that I wasn't trans cause I was crying when I tried coming out to her and she said some shit about how it was the media's fault or some shit idk. I saw her from like I think 2012(?) up until January of 2020 when I realized how unhelpful she was. Early 2020 is when I started realizing a lot of the brainwashing and shit. Its hard to realize that you've been basically mind controlled into not understanding a goddamn fucking thing about how the world works when your fucking pedo rapist father starts lying to you from the moment you understand words. I swear to god he is a fucking wannabe cult leader. He could easily make form a cult but I guess he decided just his firstborn was enough.

Even if fucking antidepressants worked, I have yet to find a psychiatrist that actually gives a fuck about what you have to say. They usually just give you random shit, even if you said it previously didn't work, and ignore you if you point out unwanted side effects. And even if you try to trust them, they don't pick up the phone when you try to remind them you need medication refills but they don't give a shit about that cause they do not fucking care.

The most recent time I interacted with paramedics? I am pretty fucking sure that I was drugged with something that I don't even know what it was. I was paralyzed and terrified. I was also openly mocked and belittled by the emergency responders who laughed at me and dismissed me as a dumb junkie when I was scared and needed help. And then when I was taken to the ER? I was there for more than 8 hours before I left without seeing a doctor. There were people there who had been waiting 24+ hours without seeing a doctor.

People keep telling me "oh just find a primary care physician" NONE ARE TAKING NEW PATIENTS AND IF YOU MISS A SINGLE FUCKING APPOINTMENT, THEY BAN YOU FROM THEIR WHOLE FUCKING PRACTICE.

I go to planned parenthood for my testosterone. I have been on t with them since September 2020, and they don't give a fuck. They don't give a fuck. They don't know shit about hrt. they do not care about patients. They are fucking assholes. and they are inconsistent about refilling shit. The one time I went for an appointment and I was asked if I was ok... I WAS BILLED AN EXTRA $15 FOR A FUCKING "EMOTIONAL ASSESSMENT" CAUSE THIS ONE FUCKING NURSE ASKED ME IF I WAS OK.

I'm lucky that I managed to get my mom to help me get a diagnosis for some of my issues a few years ago, but there's more serious shit I need formal diagnoses for, and it is so fucking hard to even talk to a psychologist, never mind find one that isn't a fucking cunt. Can't get SSI/SSD/Whatever the fuck it is with an autism assessment but how the fuck am I supposed to get diagnosed with PTSD. I can't just say "Oh yeah I have PTSD because I fill all the requirements and also a few medical professionals callously told me I have PTSD when I was begging them for help in the ER and then discharged because if you are begging for actual help with your mental problems, then they will just discharge you because people who are begging for help don't actually end up hurting themselves, so I haven't actually gotten any help, but trust me when I say that I cannot work without freaking the fuck out so give me government money so that I can stay alive." I'm trying anyways but idk how far I'm gonna get. I should probably check that they got my documents but they can straight-up just say they did not get them if they feel like it.

I fucking hate every facet of the medical industry in the united states because it is all bullshit

#autism vent #ptsd vent #medical vent #medical violence #therapy cw #ptsd cw #trauma cw #medical trauma #medical abuse #medical neglect #medication cw #transphobia cw #not currently suicidal #the squid system 🦑 #blurry ❓🦑 #🦑 lore #vent tag #vent post #cw vent #vent cw #heavy vent #swearing cw #planned parenthood #long vent #depression vent

[psych---ologically-deranged]

the intervention

SHAWN: Yo! Dad? (closes the door and crosses the room) I've brought the keys back. Hello!

INT. HENRY’S HOUSE, KITCHEN, DAY

SHAWN walks into the kitchen to see HENRY and GUS. GUS is sitting at the table eating a cupcake.

SHAWN: Okay, this is creepy. Why is Gus here?

HENRY: Why do you think, Shawn?

SHAWN: He's a hostage.

A MAN in a suit walks over from the sink area.

MAN: Perhaps I can shed some light on that.

SHAWN: Two hostages.

HENRY: Doug Devette is an old colleague of mine from the force. The Chief asked me to have him drop by.

SHAWN: (tosses the keys on the table) Why?

HENRY: Doug is the department psychologist, Shawn.

SHAWN: What is this, some sort of intervention?

HENRY: Yeah, sort of.

DOUG: We don't like to use the term "intervention," Shawn.

SHAWN: (looks at GUS) Gus?

GUS: Don't look at me. I'm here for the cupcakes.

SHAWN: Dad, I am not on drugs.

DOUG: Oh, nobody thinks that, Shawn.

HENRY: Well, I'm not completely sure about that, Doug.

DOUG: We're all just a little concerned that you might be stretching yourself a bit too thin.

HENRY: It wasn't my idea, but he's right, Shawn. You're acting like a nut job.

SHAWN: Just because I take Gus' giant dinosaur head down to a dead body does not make me a nut job.

GUS: What? (gets up and looks out the window to see the head in the back of HENRY’S truck) You took my T-Rex? My mom gave it to you?

SHAWN: Gladly. She also gave me some pictures you can pay me to not show your next girlfriend.

GUS: What pictures?

SHAWN: The ones that document your Terence Trent D'Arby phase.

GUS: Whatever, Shawn. You took Danny Dino to the police station?

SHAWN: No. Gus, give me some credit. I took him to the morgue. Good news. Your specifications were spot on.

GUS glares at SHAWN before sitting back at the table to finish his cupcake.

DOUG: Your father tells me you have delusions of magical powers.

SHAWN: Delusions? Really? Doug, I'm employed as a psychic. I've solved 18 cases this year. I have business cards and a personalized coffee mug that backs up the whole thing. I feel things about people. (sees DOUG is wearing different colored socks) You, for instance, are color blind. That's nothing to be ashamed off. (sees bitten fingernails) You're also really stressed about something. (sees university pamphlets) College. It can be very expensive, Doug.

DOUG: (turns to HENRY) Oh, that was good, Henry.

HENRY: Doug, do not be a stooge.

DOUG: Not a stooge, but in this one case, he was right.

SHAWN sees a shadow at the window of the kitchen door and puts a hand to his head.

SHAWN: Knock at door.

There is a knock on the door and VICK and LASSITER let themselves in.

HENRY: (walks over) Karen, do you mind? We're in the middle of an intervention here.

VICK: We don't have time for that.

HENRY: But you're the one who asked for this!

VICK: And I thank you, Henry, but I'm afraid that this can't wait. We just got a break in the case. (turns to SHAWN) We just found out the name of the dead man. You want to tell him who he is, Detective?

LASSITER: No.

VICK: His name was Christopher Franzen. He is a paleontologist.

They look to SHAWN and he turns to GUS and then everyone turns to GUS.

GUS: A dinosaur hunter.

SHAWN: (looks at VICK) As expected. Doug, pleasure was all mine. (shakes DOUG’S hand)

DOUG: Oh, no, Shawn, mine.

SHAWN: We should get together.

like why does henry actually think shawn has legit delusions? how do u know he is not faking it & KNOWS he's faking it? But tbh imo shawn is legit psychic. It's like gravity, airplanes, drugs, & placebos. Sure u can explain how they work to me but I don't care. To me they are magic. Just because there is a scientific explanation doesn't make it any less magical. Oh & also henry thinks shawn might be on drugs!?? I mean yeah that boy probably smokes weed. Maybe magic mushrooms Possibly other stuff but I doubt it, even speed. I think he has adhd so the whiz would be prescribed but idk if pineapple has interactions with that. I'm getting off topic

#psych 2x02

[away-ward]

You know, the more i read your posts and anons' messages, the more i find kai mori annoying, hahahaha! To me, he never really stand out as a character and his annoyingly moral righteous standards are just really laughable to think about after everything he did to rika and banks, and when he keeps friends like michael and damon around knowing the kind of hurt they do to others that are not them (even if he never witness them himself, because he couldve just ASKED, but he didnt). What i find interesting too was your take about the horsemen not really caring about anything as long as it doesnt serve them in a way, and this alligns really well with what emory said in the train and its so true. Theyre not the "good bad guys" that they thought they were, and i feel like to continue living like that for the rest of their lives, they must have live their lives with a certain amount of consistent delusion because they seem to genuinely believe that they were RIGHT all damn time.

When Kai found out the secret behind banks being mysterious background (relating to not wanting to expose damon), he called her "loyal". But emmy did the same, and alone too with no contact, but she's a traitor? I know the degree and seriousness of banks and emorys situations here are different but idk, its the same concept no? Idk idk, kai who was already dull to me, became even more unappealing after he said that, because aside from will, he was literally the second most privileged guy in the group who's issues were just daddy's expectations (which wasnt even so big, katsu just wanted the best life for him, but he goes around befriending alleged rapists???) and depression after jail. Even in jail, they got premium seats, unlike damon, so i honestly cant take kai seriously even more now. Idk, maybe i am being a hardass towards privileged characters like kai, but he's so icky and whiny to me (almost as much as will) and it turns me off. Dont get me started with damon and michael though, they were already at the bottom of my list from the start, but at least they got something going.

This might also be one of the reasons why millionaire or billionaire romances just dont hit it for me, because these men are so annoyingly whiny! They solve everything with their money or reputation, so we cant get a deeper insight of their characterisations because "oh yeah, money can solve it". They dont have a solid personality outside of dollars and fame, and its just not something that i wanna read as an escape for a romance. Idk, Ana Huang, Sophie Lark, Rina Kent, Lauren Asher, sports romance authors, theyre all writing their stories with this formula, and while i have no problem with others enjoying stories like these, i wish once in while, we get an amazing rich x poor or rich x rich characters' romance stories. If you do have any, other than the Addicted and Calloway Sisters series, please do recommend us some!

At first I found this sad and then I just found it funny that this blog had the potential to ruin the perception of Kai’s character. The idea that it can take someone from neutral to “wait. Actually I find him really annoying” is so hilarious to me.  I didn’t mean to do it, I promise.

I think for me, a lot of it comes from my disappoint about how his character was revealed. I had such high hopes for him going into Hideaway and was just left feeling so irritated with him all the time. This was not the intelligent and thoughtful member of the team I’d built him up to be; the Heart to Michael’s Brain to balance the crew. The source of wisdom and principles to guide them when they went too far off course. And maybe that was putting too much on him, but I really felt he could have carried it. My fault for building him up so big and putting him on that pedestal; it’s not fair to PD or to the character to be mad about not getting what I wanted, so I don’t really go there with it.  

Of course, I liked Kai more in the past scenes that the present. Obviously, prison changed him and I’m not arguing that it shouldn’t have, but I didn’t like the direction he changed in. He is morally righteous, and I think beyond any of the others, his double standards are the most offensive to me because of it. Kai always wanted to be the good guy with a bad streak, but because of this blemish on his record, he felt that it’s all anyone would see when they looked at him. And I get at first, it can be painful to accept how things got out of control. He was a teenager, or at least young, when all this went down. But after a while, I wished he stepped back and considered, “What have I really lost?” and realized that he didn’t lose all that much, in fact. He still had his friends, the town was still on his side, he had the opportunity to finish his education (though not in the manner he would have liked), he owned his own business, he married a woman who understands him on a deeper level, who doesn’t expect him to hide or control his thrill-seeking inclinations but will indulge with him. By NF, he has a beautiful son and is well on his way to rebuilding his relationship with his parents. Five years on from prison, and by all accounts he’s exactly where he should be and probably would have been if his life hadn't been interrupted. And yet, what do we hear about when he gets upset? Prison. It all comes back to that for him. He’s stuck there, and it made me wonder if all of those accomplishments weren’t enough to help him reconcile with what happened to him, what would be enough?

I still don’t know.

When Kai found out the secret behind banks being mysterious background (relating to not wanting to expose damon), he called her "loyal". But emmy did the same, and alone too with no contact, but she's a traitor?

Yeah, because Banks didn’t send him to prison. It’s really that simple for him. I was really disappointed that it was Damon showing all of the wisdom and understanding in this instance. That not an ounce could be found in Kai is what really sent me over of the edge of tolerating him.

I’m not going to minimize what prison was like for him. His story about paralyzing someone because he let his fear of what would happen get the better of him, and then lost control would be difficult. I bet he lay awake at night, think about what could have happened if he went just a little further. He could have killed that man because he was scared and lost control. That’s would be a dangerous line of thinking for anyone and it makes sense that he came out of prison with his fist so tightly wound around his self-control that he couldn’t relax. And then nearly losing Will and his fight with Damon – I’m sure he had to quickly process that if it came down to it, he’d have to kill Damon. He’d have to kill one of his closest friends and one of the two people he feels understands what he went through. Like, Kai went through a lot. And I don’t want to minimize that. But he’s so exhausting sometimes.

Theyre not the "good bad guys" that they thought they were, and i feel like to continue living like that for the rest of their lives, they must have live their lives with a certain amount of consistent delusion because they seem to genuinely believe that they were RIGHT all damn time.

They would have to live in a state of delusion to think they’re right all the time, and part of me thinks they do. But I also don’t think they care if they’re “wrong” as long as it’s what they want. Which is the bigger issue of them thinking that doesn’t make them corrupted.

That line from Rika really irked me. If they had just admitted they were criminals, I wouldn’t have a leg to stand on. I can’t critique what they freely admit, but since they want to believe they’re right for all they’ve done and are doing, and doing it in a less that legal manner doesn’t make them criminals, then I can sit here a nitpick all I want.

When you say the second privileged next to Will, do you mean in terms of home life? Because I always understood that Kai was the least wealthy of the four? And he certainly understands that his parent’s money is not his money, except for his inheritance. (Side note – I never understood what he meant in Kill Switch when he said “Rika has money,” implying the rest of them don’t? Where is he getting the money to buy properties and start companies, if not his parent’s or his inheritance? And if it’s that’s the case, where is the rest of it? Will still lives off his parents, Rika has her inheritance and income from the diamonds, and Michael is a professional athlete, so that answers that. What does he mean, they don’t have money??) If you meant in terms of his family, compared to the Crists' and Torrances' home life, then yeah. He had a really good home life. And his dad had reasonable expectations of him. So… yeah.

Also, what did you mean by this:

when he keeps friends like michael and damon around knowing the kind of hurt they do to others that are not them (even if he never witness them himself, because he couldve just ASKED, but he didnt).

Because even if I were in Kai’s position, I also wouldn’t be asking my friends “hey, did you commit any felonies or seriously injure anyone today?” Or maybe I would, but I would be joking. Like, I wouldn’t care if they did either… if I were Kai. I don’t know. The friendship between the boys was very “birds of a feather flock together” and I don’t think Kai was interested in changing their dynamic enough to care. Plus, I think for the most part, their pranks were probably painless to the community. It seemed that what we witness in the narrative was probably some of the worst things they came up with, since they escalated each year. Yeah, it probably cost the community money, but the Thunder Bay is wealthy enough to deal with it.

As for recs, I probably don’t have much to share. I’ll point again to the Crowne Point series. The series itself centers around this wealthy family that’s framed as basically American royalty. They have money in a big way, but I enjoyed how that was only a variable to their problems, and neither the reason nor the solution, so that might be something you’re looking for.   

I’ve only read Heartless Hero and Stolen Soulmate. The tropes for Heartless Hero are friends-to-enemies-to-lovers and body guard. Abigail is the youngest of the Crowne family and the one who gets into the most trouble in public. She has a penchant for scaring off her body guards until her grandfather and head of the family assigns her the perfect one to keep her in line – her ex-best friend and crush who is not excited to return to Crowne Point to cater to Abigail. Things went sideways the last time they were together and he also has plans for revenge for a perceived wrong, so similar to Devil's Night in that way.

The tropes for Stolen Soulmate are… enemies-to-lovers, maybe? I actually don’t know what to file it under. Grayson mistakes Story, a member of his household staff, for someone else and kisses her in a dark room… and confesses some secrets as well. When her identity is revealed, he wants to remove her from the house, which might as well be the country for all Story knows and cares. She strikes a deal with him that she can restore his relationship with the person he intended to kiss, his childhood friend and arranged fiancée, and things to awry from there.

They’re both dark romances, and while Story and Gray’s story continues on, I chose not to continue the series since I didn’t like where it was going, but I enjoyed the first half of the book and if you’re looking for a billionaire romance where the billionaire can’t just throw money at the problem, then this would fall into that.

Unfortunately, I do think a lot of romance books right now are formulaic. I don’t read too many that I remember pass closing the book for that reason. They all sort of blend into each other. ‘Sempre’, which you might have seen me rb some of, is one that’s stuck with me since I was younger. Some of the writing is dated and cheesy, but I do love it. Like the others, there are many problems the characters deal with and very few of them would be solved by money – which the main family does have. It’s also a mafia romance, so there’s that also, if you’re interested.

Sorry, I wish I had more. If anyone has some they'd like to recommend to other readers, feel free to share. And if you guys are interested in knowing more about what I’m currently reading (when I’m reading, that is), let me know. I’ve tried to keep this pertaining to DN with a few things on the side because magpie brain demands it so.

Thanks for the message! Hope you're having a wonderful day. Let me know if you decide to check out any of those books.

#asked and answered #devil's night series stuff #kai mori #character analysis #book rec #asked and answered 67

[quandaryitem]

why do i want to write in prose?

i have this recurring fantasy of writing, like Writing writing. but idk, it rarely happens. i wanna get to the bottom of why i actually want to do it, so that it's not an obligation that is just ominously floating around making me feel guilty, but something i can connect to where i am right now and what my needs are. maybe then it'll be easier to start. in the same way that it is easier to eat food when you are hungry, what is my hunger

so one thing i want is to know what is true, or at least know what feels true to me (and in doing so get a better notion of what my values and desires are). i think that sitting down and writing can help with this. i read somewhere that "writer's block" is a thing you get when you try to write something that feels inauthentic, i.e. something that you deeply think is wrong or not true. so if you're stuck, your heart probably isn't in it. obviously this should be taken with a big grain of salt, because if there is some *other* reason why you are struggling to write, you may end up confused about what it is you really believe. this should be contrasted with conversation or tweeting, where it's possible to get high off your ego or the pleasure of being seen by others, or end up in a socially satisfying exchange where you and your partner are giving each other permission and encouragement. i think in those cases it's possible to become intoxicated and to fool yourself into saying basically anything. i think to some extent i am addicted to that feeling, i definitely spend a lot of my time chasing it and while it feels good, idk if it is useful... maybe even sort of harmful in that it leads me to feel like some sort of genius. i need the sobriety of the blank page

i want my ideas to be seen by future me, so that i can see changes and continuities in what i believe. this seems like useful information because i can then see how circumstances in my life affect how i think, the most salient example of this is probably when i am really depressed or lonely and write something super nihilistic or fantastical, then later on when i have dealt with whatever emotional issue i had, i can look back and consider whether i rly cared about that thing or if it was a sort of cry for help. another use for this is to look at where i changed my mind, especially on stuff like politics, e.g. to see what opinions i have really moved on from but are clinging onto for identity reasons

i want my ideas to be discovered by others. as a social media addict, i post a *lot*. i think this means i have a lot of ideas? are any of them good? i would at least like to be able to share the good ones, put them in some place where there aren't a few tens of thousands of them... maybe over time i get some idea of what is bullshit and what isn't and i can push those to the top of the pile. i want them to be subjected to scrutiny!! sometimes a post or an opinion is like a wish, like i am asking the world to solve a problem or clarify something for me. when i do get feedback on a post (most of them don't get any feedback), it's always so heartfelt and valuable and helpful compared to the average tweet reply. oh also there's the ego thing (yeah i'm contradicting the "truth" section here a bit) - i want to be seen being smart in public

i want to scratch my own itch. sometimes i am thinking something and i can't stop thinking it, the idea just rattles around in my head forever. i get tired of my own thoughts and end up drifting online or getting absorbed in stupid activities in order to stop thinking for a bit. tweeting the idea sometimes satisfies it, but it's too weak!! i know that it'll be buried, there are always nuances and things left over, little scraps that continue to torment me. sometimes i literally cannot sleep, because i am obsessing over something. sitting down and writing (sometimes just writing in a notebook by hand works) is much more powerful. and if it's something that i keep wanting to explain to other people, i don't even need to think i can just send someone a link (if they don't bother reading it then they maybe don't care, which honestly saves both of us time). socrates said that writing makes you forget, i think that's good

#if you can't write #then write about writing