#but like. i feel like most ppl see it as 'figure out identity then work on transition goals' but like you absolutely dont have to

[gibbearish]

hi i’m not really sure how to do this but i came from your uquiz and you seem knowledgeable and nice and so i’m asking you a question now i’m sorry

uhm, so, i think i maybe might be trans (ftm) because i’m super dysphoric and i sometimes look at guys and i get really jealous because they just get to, like, exist like that (i’m not really sure what the “that” is, but god, do i want it) and i very much don’t and when i refer to myself using he/him pronouns in my head it feels, uhm, at the risk of being a cliche, right, i guess.

but the thing is that i don’t really fit into any of the stereotypical trans guy things. like a lot of my friends when i was little were girls and though i have some stereotypically masculine hobbies (sports and physics) i also sew, and when i was little i was obsessed with being a princess for like a month before i started refusing to wear dresses.

i don’t think i’m non-binary, i tried using they/them pronouns this summer and while they didn’t actively hurt like she does, they didn’t really feel right.

so, like, am i lying to myself? i don’t know, maybe i just want to be special (i don’t want it, though, if i could just be happy as a girl i would).

sorry i just unloaded half an essay on you you obviously don’t have to reply and i know you’re probably not qualified to answer anyway, i just needed to tell someone, you know?

anyways, i hope you’re having a nice night or day or whatever. thank you, for, like, existing on the internet i guess. your quiz was very nice. bye.

howdy anon! dw i am always glad to answer questions abt this stuff even tho it make take me a while lol

my best advice for situations like this is i know its easy but don't let yourself get caught up in the trap of "well this is the label that makes me feel best but i dont technically check off every single box for it so am i just lying?" people arent video game quests, you dont have to hit every single box for it to count, youre allowed to have stuff fall outside the technical definition of a term while still calling yourself it. im very similar to you, i was in tap and ballet growing up, wore dresses and makeup for most of highschool, sewing crocheting knitting the whole shebang. but the important part is that none of those things make a difference to your identity. knowing how to sew doesnt make you a girl, it can just make you a guy who knows how to sew. its a thing you do, not who you are.

all that being said, i think another helpful angle to look at things is "does the distinction between two similar labels actually make a difference to me?" using myself as an example again, i dont call myself a trans man because while i do prefer presenting masculine, for some reason the term 'man' just doesnt feel right for me. but at the same time, to the rest of the world that's functionally what i am, right? so does that change /who/ i am? no. so for me personally, ive deliberately chosen not to file myself into either "trans man" or "nonbinary" and just move on with my day, because to me it doesnt actually make a difference which one i am, im still gonna stay on t, i still want top surgery, i still want to be perceived masculine, and thats not gonna change no matter what name is on the box so who gives a shit. just do what makes you happy

#also this is a side note but going back to the whole 'when i was growing up i was more feminine' angle #one thing ive found is that the more masc i get the more pressing the Need To Be Masculine becomes #so like. accepting that identities can be fluid and change over time can be very helpful imo #maybe i was a girl at one point and now im not‚ or maybe i never was‚ who cares. either way‚ im not one now‚ and thats what matters #gender is a game we were all forced to play from birth‚ youre allowed to say fuck all these rules im just gonna exist how i want #i hope this all makes sense and isnt an incoherent ramble labflsbfksbfkeb ive been having brain fog lately so i tend #to lose track of where i am when im talking sometimes #i dont think youre lying to yourself‚ i think introspection and understanding your identity are very difficult things to do #and i think like a lot of trans(?) people pre-everything youre scared that the answer will be 'yes‚ you are trans‚ and now you have to #figure out how to live in a way that feels right' #not to say nonbinary people dont have to deal w the same stuff as trans ppl obv bc Hello Thats Me ksnfkshfkek #but like. i feel like most ppl see it as 'figure out identity then work on transition goals' but like you absolutely dont have to #you can just say 'idk what i am but i know doing xyz will make me happier' and just go from there #and who knows! maybe doing so will change your understanding of yourself to the point you find picking a label far easier #or maybe it wont! you wont know till you try though #anyways hope this ramble helps have a good day osbfksbflsnls

[rhapsoddity]

BESTIE

BESTIE

I know this stuff has most definitely been answered, but my little brain needs it all in one spot. If any of this somehow spoils something, feel free to ignore it.

1. When it comes to their civilian lives, would they ever come close (to any degree) to their lives crossing? Whether in passing or full-on interactions?

2. Which one of the two do you feel would hypothetically figure out the others' identity?

3. This could technically be answered in the first one, but where do they both work? Like for their villainy?

HI BETSIEEEE

okokok for everyone elses context this is mostly asking about scott and fwhip

1- theyve definately seen eachother in passing, fwhip vaugly knows of scott cus he's jims other ex but they don't know each other really, tho tbh as civilians I could see them becoming v snarky friends

2- idk i feel like fwhip would figure it out, I'm sure scott would do smth to mean fwhip catches on don't ask me what tho dsfbhbhdjfs

3- hephaestus is mostly based in his private workshop/warehouse on the outskirts of the city, spectrum operates mostly from a small office area he owns that he's reworked into a villain hideout. Fwhip targets high society circles, rich ppl,, while spectrum just targets anyone he deems fun to target

#ask

[menalez]

Can you explain how the split model is harmful?

i can try my best, i’m a little rusty bc i haven’t really touched this topic in quite some time.

speaking as a lesbian who once was closeted, and knows many lesbians who faced similar— the split attraction model simply does not work, is illogical, keeps us closeted + confused longer, and encourages denialism.

the split attraction model separates “sexual attraction” from “romantic attraction”. it argues that people can have sexual attraction in one way and romantic attraction in another. the most common examples are heteroromantic asexuals, aromantic asexuals, aromantic bisexuals, and the like. basically ace/aro on one axis and then a sexual orientation on another (and if it’s a “romantic attraction” then just remove the -sexual and replace it with -romantic, even though the -sexual just refers to the sex ur attracted to and doesn’t mean u necessarily want to have sex or have a libido). the logical conclusions of this is that sometimes someone may be homosexual but biromantic, meaning they’re “romantically attracted” to both sexes but only sexually desire the same sex. in normal speak, that’s either just being homosexual (& telling urself u could totally be able to tolerate a relationship that makes u unhappy bc at least ur with the opposite sex) or bisexual with strong preferences.

firstly, it’s homophobic— under the split attraction model, lesbians can be attracted to men if they’re “biromantic” or if they’re “homoromantic bisexuals” (ie bisexual with a strong preference). gay men can be into women for similar reasons. somehow, you could be gay AND straight at the same time (heterosexual homoromantic / homosexual heteroromantic).

secondly, it literally just confuses you further and keeps you from figuring yourself out. if you’re a lesbian and can’t figure out why men’s bodies repulse you and you feel nothing for men but you toooootally want a boyfriend (ie u want social acceptance and approval) then you can just tell urself ur heteroromantic homosexual or biromantic homosexual! and then u don’t have to accept that ur just a lesbian and can keep forcing urself to fake interest in men. this overwhelmingly will harm gay ppl, namely lesbians, especially since we are raised to revolve our futures around having a husband and kids & male approval the way all women are.

speaking anecdotally here, but i was literally just not into men but was able to tolerate being close to them (neutral on stuff like holding hands or hugging etc) and told myself that meant i’m “biromantic homosexual”, which was a step up from my previous belief that i was “heteroromantic homosexual”. before then i was just thinking i must be demisexual or asexual or aromantic or acespec etc because i simply did not consider the obvious possibility that maybe i’m just not interested in men. this is not a unique experience— many lesbians i know have spent years confused and closeted because they were telling themselves that not liking men must mean being asexual or aroace or whatever else. it keeps us in denial and ignoring our obvious feelings because simply finding a label that fits your current confused state & validating it as an Identity is much easier (& also somewhat fun esp when ur a teen struggling to know ur place in this world)

also a lot of it hinges on the assumption that the average gay person is like hypersexual as hell and it’s just generally not good to pretend like there’s these “separate forms of attraction” the way the SAM does.

i honestly don’t see an actual upside to it, it encourages heterosexuals to delude themselves into thinking they’re “””””queer””””””” because they have commitment issues or don’t want to be in a relationship or because they have a low libido, it convinces others that you can somehow be gay and not gay at the same time, it’s illogical, it encourages gay ppl to remain in denial and be closeted, it just. isn’t good

#anonymous

[echoing-gravity]

MLB X MCU AU in which Marinette gets revealed as Multimouse to the entire world

Because Alya cant be trusted to be responsible with a camera.

Every-fucking-one knows now. hawkmoth. her PARENTS. Hell even TONY fucking STARK knows she was a hero.

and then her parents make/force her to take Style queens offer to intern in NYC, because, from their perspective she is not safe in paris. and like- the AVENGERS are in new york so surely it must be safe there. so they pack up and move their entire bakery business.

and she ends up going to midtown high-school, where not to her knowledge, fellow teenage superhero Peter parker aka "Your friendly neighborhood SPIDER-MAN" goes to school.

Cute adorable shipping commences.

peter is all like "omg another teenage super hero???!!! like me???? i thought i was the only one???? transferring to MY school?!!! SO COOL!!"

"marinette is super smart, marinette is pretty, she was one of THE Miraculous Ladybug's sidekicks how cool is that??!, marinette is COOL!! maybe we can be friends? how am i gonna talk to someone that cool though?? i cant tell her my secret identity!!!"

insta-crush. peter is a marinette SIMP

(and yo, dont get on my case about marinette being super fucking smart, this is the girl who figured out she was getting a birthday party from just seeing one of her friends holding a bike pump. that girl is a tactical genius! she just has self esteem issues. they are both nerd, their just nerds about differnt things, let the nerds date!!!!)

of course Marinette still has the ladybug miraculous -even tho everyone thinks she doesn't have the rat miraculous anymore- and the miracle box. so she can still fight hawkmoth because the horse is basically fast travel irl, Space miraculous super conveintent.

(also concerning the mirsacle box, im going with my headcanon/Unlucky 13 AU on what that looks like post "ladybug becomes guardain" because that egg thing from canon? fucking lame

These ones^^^)

It would be canon compliant till season 2 and most? of season 3? but like fuck miracle queen, season3 finale + truth made me stop watching the show. so like in this au, lets just assume Fu is dead, and ladybug has had the miracle box for some time now. and that they got the miraculous when they were 13, and are currently 15? yeah? okay.

(also prolly chat salt, it doesn't HAVE to be chat salt, but like- He. Keeps. Trying. To. Quit. And leave all the work to marinette!!!! its happened like 3?? times now? Marinette CANT quit!!! its literally "do this or lose all your memories!!!" she is being held hostage by a fucking magic box full of responsibilities no 15 year old should have to deal with.)

I headcanon that marinette stress-bakes, so like cute scene number #1 after peter and marinette become friends, could be something like "marientte stresses for a test, and then bakes to much food so her parents make her take it to school to share with her peers, and she ends up giving like- 1/2 of them to parker, becuz of his super high metabolism.

and how marinettes got her whole "i'm RESPONISBLE!!! for the whole fucking universe now, omfg i'm the reason fu is basically dead" angsty shit going on which kinda parallels peters whole "i have super powers, and if i dont do something to help then its my fault if someone gets hurt, like how my uncle died. With great power, comes great RESPONSIBLITY!!!" angst. maybe they could trauma bond. who doesn't like a good hurt comfort trauma bond fic?

marinette likes designing fashionable but also functional clothes.

peter likes designing gadgets and techy things. let them be nerds together!!! in love!!

i feel like they would be the kind of couple/friends to just ramble on about their passions and they would listen to each other even tho they dont know much about each others interests yet. (also hey what if marinette and peter co designed one of peters early suits pre-stark suit??? the fucking writing potential this ship has omfg c'mon ppl!!! why are we sleeping on this??)

oh! and maybe peter figures out that marinette is also ladybug -but later on- cuz like, he has superhearing? and tikki isn't as subtle as she thinks she is.

and then he's all in awe like "Wow holy shit!!! she made her ladybug secret identity FOOLPROOF!!!! no one would ever fucking suspect!! maybe she can help me with mine???"

Fox miraculous shenanaigans insue????? The daily Bugles next headline be like: "SPIDER-MAN SAVES SI INTERN PETER PARKER FROM ETC ETC"

( the media thinks Ladybug and Chat are 1000+ years old due to that thing alya found in that museum that one time. and the fact that people know that Thor and Loki are super old.

Ladybug's excuse to the public for letting a teenager, Nay! for letting a THIRTEEN YEAR OLD CHILD use an extremly dangerous magical artifact for a little over 2 years, goes something like this: "Marinette was the ONLY person in france- maybe in the whole world! that was compatible with the Rat miraculous, it takes a very smart person to be able to multitask like that, and marinette has a photographic/phonetic memory."

i headcannon that marinette photographic/phonetic memory, and that the Rat Miraculous is the math miraculous that was mentioned in the comics that one time, and that if an incompatible person were to try and use it they would at BEST develop a severe case of split personality disorder/ or schizophrenia, and at WORST their brain would- just- melt out of their ears. )

Also he calls her "Spots" or "LuckyBug" when shes in hero mode.

(i cant think of cute nicknames for peter, ugh "web head" is just something i cant picture marinette saying. what's the french word for spider? what's the french word for cobwebs??)

She prolly just calls him "Webs" or "Spidey"

#miraculous ladybug #spider man #marinette dupain cheng #peter parker #MLB X MCU #if i ever write a fic about this its gonna be called #spectacular miracular #SpideyBug #the ship name is SpideyBug im deciding this now. #there are only like 30 fics on A03 about this ship and we dont have a name for it yet. #me over here trying to convince the maribat fandom to write mcu crossovers #gonna start a fucking renaissance #Ladybug x Spider-man #Unlucky 13 Au #mlb #rat miraculous #mullo #multimouse #bamf marinette

[cookii-moon]

guys guys listen to me I think that if Morro stayed after like s5 or was brought back or WHATEVER IDC I I think that Cole COULD be the most sympathetic but also I feel like he’s the most distant from him because I think Cole is still struggling with what being a ghost means for him and his identity and seeing Morro lean into it so much and especially the more negative viewpoints people have of ghosts would make him feel like he has to prove he’s different to the other ninja and so I think he’d actually regularly avoid or even antagonize Morro because of that I don’t think he’d be buddies with him at first and like obviously part of it is. Everything Morro did but also deep down it’s his own insecurity that he’s taking out on Morro because Morro’s presence and gradual acceptance by Wu and the others is scary to him because he hasn’t been able to cope with or accept himself and he’d purposefully try to ignore the ways they’re similar because he feels like it’d be different if he got close to the other ghost on the ship as opposed to if jay or Nya or Kai or even Lloyd did so he’s just determined to show how he’s NOT like Morro or other ghosts bc being like the other ghosts or even just being clos to them means leaning into or ignoring the “ghosts are all evil” thought process so he wants to be different by trying to oppose Morro but i also think this would backfire on him because the other ninja know him and Cole is usually pretty open minded and sympathetic and they’d notice this and how he acts around Morro and they’d be concerned like they’re also angry at and don’t like Morro but Cole is going to an extreme just to keep away from or find some reason to be mad at him and it’s so jarring to them so they notice he’s acting weird and confront him and stuff but he can’t tell them so he brushes it off as just what Morro did because he IS angry about that because the alternative just sounds selfish and he needs to be there for the others but also over time the ninja are accepting Morro and Morro is making up for what he did and is sorry and like he can never truly atone for his crimes or the harm he caused but he’s trying the best he can and so all the other ninja are getting closer to Morro and letting him into the team slowly but surely like they’re still mad and a bit on edge but they’re willing to try and see how it works if only for Wu’s sake and so Cole’s distance and anger just becomes more jarring bc now the ninja aren’t sided with him and his excuse of being angry isn’t working as well because like they know he holds a grudge but like being someone who ran away from home and also got mad at his father figure and also is a ghost and all this he should have at least some sympathy and I think one of them would try to confront Cole but then Morro comes along and that just makes the issue worse and they have a big fight and Cole blows up at him and is like well YOURE A GHOST what would ppl say if I the other ghost hung out with THE evil ghost and the other ninja and Morro is like wait that’s what this is about and Morro kinda understands a bit but the other ninja is like dude none of us think that!!! And they talk it out and like a few days later Cole approaches Morro and they talk abt stuff and they get to know eachother and they comfort eachother and then they kiss and fall in love I think and now they’re a ghost couple living their best life and Cole never fades away alone bc Morro is there for him and can see him and he helps him out and gets him an anchor and stuff so now they’re the happy resident ghost couple teehee

#ninjago #ninjago cole #cole ninjago #lego ninjago #morro ninjago #ninjago morro #sandstorm #sandstorm shipping #sandstormshipping #spirit shipping #spiritshipping #ninjago au #ghost cole #im a firm believer of aroace Cole but sometimes the urge to ship takes over and so this stuff happens #Anyways the ninja have varied responses to this #They’re mostly just confused when they go to the training deck and hear fighting noises only to find Cole and Morro kissing eachother lol #If this entire thing sounds like ideas jumble that’s bc it’s supposed to #Sorry if it’s hard to read lol

[prettyprettypurin]

Not to bring up queer discourse because it is truly rancid and unproductive most of the time but the way people will be like ‘gender is not real’ and then simultaneously believe that sexuality is strict and fits in a neat little box is so absurdly silly to me like… ppl say all the time “lesbians can be attracted to women and “”””woman aligned””” non-binary people” what the hell does the even mean. Truly. Cause I don’t think there’s any other way to interpret that aside from “non-binary people that LOOK like women to me and I therefore see as women” which is so weird and invalidating honestly.

Like let’s all be honest here if you saw a non-binary trans man who doesn’t plan to transition out on the street and thought they were attractive your not gonna know unless you actually pursue them, and if you did, do you seriously want me to believe that there’s a little switch that would go off in your head once you found out how they saw themselves and you’d go “EWWW this CREATURE has been touched by MANHOOD” and poof you’d suddenly no longer think they’re hot. Like do you really expect me to believe that because I don’t. You can recognize their personal identity and NOT see them as a woman or “woman aligned” person and still think they’re hot.

Besides even if this hypothetical person WAS in the middle of or post transition… where is the line between trans/non-binary men and non-binary he/him transmasc butch lesbians. Would you like to get in front of the class and point to it on the board??? Cause IF there is one that thing is about as thin as a strand of silk. Now don’t get me wrong, this is NOT to say that there is *no* difference between these two identities and I completely understand that plenty of trans men do not want to be lumped in with lesbians for the very obvious reason of feeling like that inherently misgenders them, but there are also plenty that ARE fine with it because of their personal relationship with their gender, and let’s be real a significant portion of them have been in the lesbian community for years anyway and it is their safe space and very much their home and they are also aware of how they are viewed by society/outside their own perspective of themselves (which as much at it sucks, is also an aspect that is unfortunately important in gender/sexuality conversations even if everyone wishes it wasn’t).

And then to further complicate the matter there’s amab non-binary people, who people just LOVE to treat as “basically men” or “tainted” or some kind of other nasty terf crap. The point that I’m trying to make is that people seem to have a FUNDAMENTAL misunderstanding of what non-binary means, it’s quite literally NOT binary and while SOME peoples identities are going to clearly and neatly fit in boxes, many will not. No one is telling you that you HAVE to be attracted to these people or that you yourself ever will be but sometimes people that identify as lesbians are going to be because human beings and real life are messy and every second you waste arguing online with someone about their personal identity (who you are NEVER going to be able to convince to change by the way in case you haven’t figured out how that works yet) is a second that you could be using to do literally *anything* actually productive for your community.

To quote Kourtney Kardashian, “Kim, there’s people that are dying.”

#queer #lgbtq #nonbinary #lesbian #mspec lesbian

[strawberrieswithmilkandsugar]

rotating trans leif trans bert bert and canonically trans nonbinary verge in my head.

rotating leif being a trans woman and constantly fending off the pressure of being born a man and feeling constantly out of place in her own world, so she takes a ticket out to the stars.

rotating trans man leif struggling under being born a woman in male dominated spaces and fearing being stuck remembered as a woman for his work as well, and taking that same trip on up to finally leave everything behind and figure himself out.

rotating bert bert having to prove himself as a trans man and most likely have the added pressure of his mother either being supportive or strained that bert bert again doesn’t fulfill her expectations (and subconsciously putting another terrifying label on her back. gender varies but I imagine if it’s like earth enough there’s still bigotry and transphobia in certain cultures.) and adds fuel to the fight between them.

rotating also bert bert feeling more left out if his mom’s tangle is still the same one and feeling like he isn’t a good enough child.

rotating trans woman bert bert and the fact leif commented on her muscles as large and maybe feeling some dysphoria there.

rotating also the reunion of two trans ppl finding each other with no clue about the other’s past, only their identities, and the relief from dysphoria leif and berts could have felt knowing gender presentation doesn’t matter to each other. the universal feeling of knowing relief when you’re with your kind.

rotating vapians maybe still having a gender binary, although loose and in between, and verge finding themself through all that they’ve been through. rotating how they carry their identity with them and sometimes still hear an echo they’re betraying their culture by being themself over adhering to their ex-culture.

rotating them not hearing those echoes when they’re around leif when they see him/her being so unabashedly Leif, exuding that wonderful personality that’s so vibrant and s/he doesn’t even know it.

rotating verge carrying that feeling from that part of their time together even when their heart is broken and they know they need to forget leif to survive.

rotating verge realizing how to be unabashedly Verge, the monarch of cunning and crime, and maybe taking the experience to realize all they want is peace.

and rotating the hopeful idea they some day get it. <3

#midnight burger podcast #midnight burger #midnight burger headcanons #young leif headcanons #young leif #bertbert #verge #just thinking thoughts really #at 4 in the morning

[possibilistfanfiction]

hi i just wanted to say thank you for writing about queerness the way that you do - it’s incredible and has been immensely helpful to me lately. like i’ve agonized over wanting a haircut and a binder and to change my pronouns and have never had the courage to do anything about it, but reading your stuff is making me want to go through with it all. i had to pause a few times as i read your most recent piece (ava’s pov of butch bea) because i was overwhelmed with relief seeing ava and bea want that stuff too. i didn’t realize wanting it could feel so freeing. like i’ve never seen queer people written like that before, and never knew i needed to see it until now. it’s helped me feel okay about wanting the aforementioned things, and also okay about not knowing what i want or how i want to be. all around your fics are so healing and enlightening as far as gender and sexuality go, and gender and sexuality aside they are also flat out masterpieces. i cannot even begin to describe how much they, as well as your other posts on the subject, mean to me. thank you so much

:) thank u!

& i will say that i have spent the better part of the last 15 or so years just vibrating around trying to figure out what makes me feel good, especially in my body & how others perceive it. which is really hard! but trying stuff rocks — i figured out i wanted top surgery but not to transition in other medical ways bc i got a binder! the peace i felt with one felt right, & then i got to explore from there. i have had … so many haircuts lol & most of them have been good! (imo everyone deserves to buzz their hair at least once & just. deal with it lmao. a rite of passage.) now i don’t give a fuck about “what side of the store” clothes are on bc i know exactly what i want clothes to fit & feel like, & i have a tailor, so i just pay more attention to fit & fabric than i do any “men’s” or “women’s” demarcations, especially when most of the places i shop are mostly just vaguely androgynous earth tones anyway lol.

(of course this is with the caveat that there’s enough safety/financial stability but) try everything! especially stuff that’s not at all permanent!

there’s no way i would know what makes me happy & peaceful now if i didn’t try stuff in the past! do i want to wear button downs & chinos & have ppl call me sir?? no i would rather pErish. but did i always know that! of course not, & i got to have the space to try how that would feel. i definitely also know that i never want people to think i’m straight (lol but ppl are stubborn); i had a weird summer bc my hair was rly long, which i loved, but then started to feel just dissonant about… occasionally a little panicked by? (in addition to some transphobic nonsense thru work, which ofc doesn’t help). but once i sat down & was like what the fuck is going on — & felt safe enough to just sit for DAYS in dysphoria to try to figure out the root of it — i was like oh ok cool, easy, i can fix this. i knew i didn’t want to cut my hair rly short again (probably never again or at least for a Long Time, i don’t like ppl thinking i’m a man), but i didn’t wanna keep it long, so i was like ok great, stupid masc bob here we come, & my hairstylist is queer & has a soft butch wife, so i was set lol. but without getting to have space for the past decade to just try things, & to learn how to sit in dysphoria thru therapy rather than just Run Away from the feeling every time, that would’ve been a lot harder to navigate. i used to be VERY adamant abt they/them pronouns but i don’t feel that way anymore, & nothing earth shattering happened or has happened, i just… don’t care. i care more abt my privacy & agency than abt disclosing identity & experience than i do a pronoun, & so i get to make that choice whenever i want, which has been rly wonderful. & getting to try things will help you learn where ur most comfortable, especially as u continue to grow & change.

& like… it’s fun! queerness is so fun! i think beas queerness is fairly ~fraught~ canonically for obvious reasons but in any universe it’s nice to just let her take a fucking breath. kiss a girl, put on a hoodie, cut your hair, take a nap by the beach. it’s not so serious, not all the time. & ava is just FUN, her queerness is so so bright. to me it’s always just seemed like she was never Not queer bc ava has so much life to live & so so much to discover abt herself & the world. she’s falling in love with everything all the time, & with Wonder! & of course that includes queerness! it’s at the center of it bc it’s who you are & who you love, but it’s also just… people, & connection. i used to write rly angsty shit abt being queer & in moments of indulgence i do still enjoy a romp ofc to flex those wow sin & hell & an orgasm being so holy muscles lol, but queerness is my everyday life, & it shows up in the soft happy places more than anywhere else.

anyway, try everything!! especially a binder (bind safely!!!!!) & pronouns, even just online or w a few of ur ppl. if there’s a word you like for your identity, try writing it somewhere or just telling a friend (i texted my best friend that i liked the word ‘dyke’ a lot after having made ‘dyke on main’ jokes abt myself for ten years … we both just laughed). & of course haircuts & clothes are so fun, & they should get to be fun!

but even beyond that (& part of why i think ppl like reading stuff i write, maybe?) is that like so much healing for me in pleasure & peace in my queerness is so tied up in those same feelings abt … everything. food! sex! moving my body! my home! small acts of service! luxury! softness! skincare! the ocean! like whew, waking up & being like this brings me quiet joy, mary oliver was RIGHT, just lets the whole world kinda shimmer. not loudly, not in any remarkable way, but eating good food & having a good beer with someone who sees you for who you are; fresh flowers in the vase; LINEN PANTS; the dog asleep at your feet — all of those things to me are both queer & holy, inextricably together in my life. my wife’s queerness is very compatible w her religion & spirituality, & that’s rly rly beautiful to get to be around. queerness is abt deep care, too, in small ways: checking up on a friend after top surgery, still masking indoors, keeping my dog on lead unless i know her recall will be perfect. it shapes every part of my life. to me the mundane is the most glorious thing, & i have figured things that i love bc, for as scary as trying stuff can be (what if people see me? what if i hate it?) — you know, the most important question: what if you love it?

#i’m a double taurus so imo butchness as its height is abt soft understated luxury #how do u give love & care to others but also to yourself! #eat good food drink good wine smoke good weed just. be In The World & have an ethic that aligns

[ketchupkio]

I was reading ASAU, and while it is an awesome work (as are the AUs like Faction), its big impact on me were the gender conversations. If someone wanted to further investigate gender and being genderqueer/non-binary, what would you recommend for them? Thank you and I can't wait to see more of these fics soon!

omg thank you????????? omg omg omg????

first (but hardest) part is trying to dissect your feelings a little. it's a complicated process and the results can change over time, but it's worth it to have a good understanding of yourself!!

second, RESEARCH SO MUCH!!!! nonbinary wikis were invaluable to me when i was figuring stuff out. just seeing what other people call gender identities and define them as might be enough to open a door you didn't know existed.

a little background... at 17, i started identifying as non binary bc it was a blanket term that i thought fit best over the complicated feelings i was sorting out, and now at almost 25 i identify with both that AND being a trans man. it was a slow process letting go of femininity bc i was still attached to it, and i was leaving for college and wanted to express myself!! i still find myself in how i dressed then, but now it's more about striking a balance of what i want to present as, what's comfortable, and what's practical for my situation. just go into your gender self discovery journey with the knowledge that you can do whatever you want forever. queer history is full of complicated and contradictory reasoning for gender shenanigans, so pick whatever feels best to you (unless it's like.... being two spirit, which is an indigenous thing and has its own history that i'm not qualified to talk about. but other than closed/cultural things like that, go off!)

third, speak to other trans people!!!! not just people your age either, but old queers! they'll have valuable info and experiences that you cant get anywhere else. and i find reading/watching things about queer history fascinating. all in all, worth the effort for the wealth of knowledge you gain.

fourth, find a good support group that will be gentle and patient with you (and most importantly, AFFIRMATIVE!!!) if you wanna try out new names and pronouns too. ppl need to use your pronouns around you for u to know if you like them. i found the pronoun dressing room super helpful when i was trying to find a neopronoun set that worked for me too!! (i'm very happy with ce/cer, it feels nice, but they/ce/he are all equally me so i encourage ppl to just pick a set if they have trouble switching lol. may not work for you but it does for me!)

have fun and good luck! i hope you have an awesome experience! the road that a trans person walks isn't really easy, but there are a lot of good people to take solace with.

#transgender #replies #kio talks #hormones and everything is a whole other topic and it's highly regional #so if thats something you wanna do in the future there's research that you can do for your area #it might not even be as hard to get as you think!!! #but this is an introductory course lol #as always think about it real hard before you start telling a lot of people and/or doing permanent things #i waited like a year to come out and i still havent legally changed my name #(tho thats a not wanting to appear in court or pay the fee kind of thing) #ALSO U CAN TOTALLY START HORMONES AND THEN STOP THEM!!! DONT LET PPL SCARE U!!! UR STILL TRANS!!! #u dont have to do anything chemical or surgical either!! all up to u #u can do whatever u want forever #ageless soul au #sure it can go in the asau tag

[butchviking]

dysphoria is a bastard. i hate it. coping tips?

ok first off. i am not coping

i mean theres all the usual. get strong, see your body as something useful to you and AS you, rather than something to look at. sometimes introspection helps, like ok WHY do i feel this way abt this part of my body and is there anything i can do to counteract that. but tbh sometimes u just hit a wall w that like. ok well i figured out WHY i feel like shit. doesnt do much 2 change it tho. idk everyone is different and everyone’s dysphoria is different and these are things ppl always say have helped them. but i will b totally honest they’ve never done more than placate mine for a short while until it rears its head from some other corner i wasn’t looking at.

the most helpful advice i ever heard is about letting dysphoria come & go. let it pulse in & pulse out. don't do that thing where you let it build up inside you bc its familiar or bc u want to dwell or bc u have smthn to prove or whatever. which i truly think is the best advice for any mental illness nd is the absolute best way i’ve learned 2 cope w my other issues too. life has ups & downs illness has ups & downs and sometimes u gotta just roll w that u cant fight it. some times will suck and other times will not suck so bad and maybe sometimes u even forget its there at all for a little moment! it’s nice to think ‘i know we can get well’ its nice to think someday u will magically overcome all ur issues but for myself at least i think it’s healthier to acknowledge that. some things dont just go away some things are with you for a long long time or even for your entire life. and there’s not much u can do about that except find a way to live with it.

i think personally i took a hard turn a few years go from being trans & embracing the dysphoria & letting it get so big & ugly bc i’d tied my identity into it, to like. finding gendercrit theory, questioning the reasons for my dysphoria, doing some work to alleviate it somewhat, feeling a bit better for a while and thinking oh! looks like i fixed it! i don’t even feel that bad anymore! self-undiagnosing im fine now!! :) which is. one of the dumbest things i couldve done bc then when it DID start 2 rear its head again i was just pushing it down nd being like ‘no we dont indulge that anymore :) im fine im normal now :)’ as though u can just make a mental illness go away if u try real hard and believe in urself. so u gotta not let it build up inside u into a big ugly thing, not indulge it & become friends w it but also acknowledge when it is there and don’t think u can just magic it away. let it ebb & flow let it pulse thru you and then let it go.

#once again tho i am not necessarily the best source of advice bc i am not coping the best rn. #im having a rough patch for sure but im holdin on nd hopefully it'll ease up soon. everything blances out in the end right? #ask #anonymous

[capcavan]

A switch with medicated Andrew is definitely most likely to actually work out for Riko, while Nicky Aaron and Kevin would notice something’s off Nicky and Aaron wouldn’t be confident enough to do anything about it I don’t think and Kevin at that point could be convinced that anything he’s seeing that’s more Riko and less Andrew is actually just his mind/subconscious playing tricks on him. If Neil’s arrived it’s still early so he hasn’t gotten as clued into understanding Andrew yet. If anyone’s going to figure it out and do something about this it’s Renee. 

But I was actually also thinking about after Riko is *dead* / post series if he actually bides his time for a bit so everyone believes he’s dead and then bodyswaps with Andrew. I can’t think of a way Neil wouldn’t figure it out early on so I’m going to say one of Riko’s very first moves is to take Neil out of the equation he probably has him trapped/being tortured somewhere (I think he has to maintain a few Nest allies for this to work) and lines up the specifics so it seems like Neil’s run away again. Riko very much is jealous of/wants revenge on Neil Andrew and Kevin separately and also wants Kevin for himself so metaphorically killing Neil’s image in the eyes of his found family and stealing Andrew’s bodily autonomy and life are honestly the perfect ways to hurt them based on their characters (also lines up with the ways he had them tortured in winter trying to break Neil’s sense of identity in the Nest + rob Andrew of his control publicly and privately). However I think where things begin to unravel for Riko here are that he would try to seduce Kevin as Andrew in the aftermath of Neil running away but by that point Kevin who understands Andrew better now and knows the significance of Andreil would very much see this as Andrew attempting to hurt/sabotage himself and wouldn’t participate in that even if he still has feelings, he’s also progressed past being second and would assert that. I think that would sooo throw Riko for a loop because since when does Kevin have boundaries he can assert especially as a way of caring for/protecting someone else, and what has Andrew ever done to deserve that over Riko? He’d generally see Andrew as having a charmed life he doesn’t deserve (which is really funny because Andrew’s life is the opposite of that but from Riko’s pov he has a lot of people who care about him for being him and that’s more than he has (actually an interesting parallel to how Neil sees the monsters dynamics and is jealous of them when he arrives)). He would definitely be found out I could see it lasting between a week and a month if we’re going minimum/maximum, probably Aaron Kevin and Renee together figure it out and then force a swap back but the aftermath would also be pretty sweeping. But in the moment Riko would have to jump through serious hoops to even try to maintain it and I think that could be fascinating. 

(I’ll come back later with more stuff about Andrew in Riko’s body in both versions later) 

I will reblog this later and add to it sorry for keeping it in ask box few days was busy and wanted to write to it but had no time so far ! but i know few other ppl was very excited for it as well <3

#rikodrew bodyswap

[kaleidoscopic-quiddity]

ok nobody asked me to elaborate but heres my pjo a(ro)spec headcanons

piper: aromantic lesbian

the whole false memories thing with juno made shit SO difficult to figure out

like she was a 16yro girl, already struggling to figure out her place in the world vis a vi being nattive, being mixed, being adhd and dyslexic, and then her baby aro lesbian ass gets fake memories of a boyfriend?? 

her thing with jason was the biggest instance comphet+compallo attraction in existence okay

its not until piper gets away from the questing/camper life and subsequently, the aphrodite cabin, that she starts realising how she feels about romance and re-evaluating some stuff 

considering her relationship with shel, i see her as romance positive/favourable but she defo has some complex feelings going on there

speaking of, piper was so focused on the revelation that she was aro that it took her a while to figure out she was lesbian too 

she kind of assumed she was some flavour of ace for a while but other sapphics around camp clocked her and gently nudged her towards the realisation of ‘yes you dont feel that way about guys. but have you considered: women?’

piper: i thought not wanting to date anyone meant i didnt want to kiss anyone, but... i think.. i want to kiss girls 

piper bolting awake at 3am after a dream about her time on the argo ii: oh shit i totally was into annabeth wasnt i? 

leo: aromantic bi demi-grey-asexual 

oh gods leo valdez 

he has zero fucking clue he’s anything but straight and allo until reyna casually mentionsn one day that her and a lot of the other hunters are asexual 

he’s only ever heard of gay, bi and lesbian so he asks reyna what ‘asexual’ means 

cue the most epiphany prompting conversation of leo’s life

leo voice: wait so you’re telling me that there are some people who just like, arent interesting in sex, at all? and not only that, but ppl can feel that way about romance too? 

once terms like demi and grey start getting thrown around too he kinda has a freak out and reyna sends him off with a book abt asexuality and aromanticism + some awkward advice 

three months of introspection and more than a few breakdowns later leo figures out that hes aro, hes demi-grey-ace, and that that is most likely why his relationship with calypso didnt exactly work out 

(he also thinks the terms cupioromantic and/or quoiromantic/sexual might aply to him but hes not wholly sure) 

just like piper he had some major compallo going on, he just thought being ‘girl crazy’ was how guys his age were supposed to act and never questioned why it felt like more of a joke for him rather than his true feelings

he figures out the bi part once he goes to college and is like cmon man i already had one sexuality crisis do i really gotta do this shit again

jason: aromantic straight demisexual 

jason wasnt raised with as much allo/amatonormativity as other ppl bc he was literally raised by wolves then the legion, but juno yoinking his memories kinda fucked with that 

once again, serious case of compallo in regards to piper, he knew he found her pretty and liked her as a friend and didnt understand for a long time that a crush was supposed to be ‘different’ or ‘more than that’ 

jason struggles with his sense of identity and definitely has this strong heroic leader persona he puts up and well, the hero always gets the girl doesnt he? 

he died before he got the chance to really figure out that he was a(ro)spec (and that there were words for what he was feeling) but he knew he felt different about romance and sex than most other teens 

the fact that he was more worried about them not being friends anymore rather than losing his girlfriend when piper broke up with him kinda tipped him off 

he did have some pretty big queerplatonic feelings for both piper and leo though which in hindsight kind of explains, other than the trauma, why he bonded with them so quickly 

annabeth: biromantic asexual 

a decent number of athena kids are aspec (their mom literally conceives via a ‘meeting of intelligent minds’, no sex required at all) so she kinda slot herself pretty easily into the ‘asexual’ label after realising that despite dating percy for literal years, she had zero interesting in getting more ‘physical’ with him

(percy is allo but doesnt give a shit about sex if annabeth doesnt give a shit about it. he’s just happy to be close to her) 

precisely because of the fact that’d she’d been dating percy for years meant that figuring out the biromantic part took ages lmao 

it feels really obvious to her in hindsight 

annabeth: ‘oh gods percy i had a crush on thalia, i had a crush on clarisse, i had a flirtationship with piper, i almost had a crush on reyna’

percy, in the middle of his own bi crisis: i know the feeling wisegirl 

she doesnt really,, do much?? after figuring out shes bi, annabeth’s already happily in a committed , monogamous relationship, but it feels nice for her to have learned something new about herself 

overall i see her as sex neutral/indifferent, she doesnt hate the idea but its not something she’d really intentionally seek out

as mentioned, percy is pretty sex neutral/indifferent (but like, in the allo way) too so the two of them just never really bother lol 

quickfire bonus round: 

reyna, evidently, is our canon allo-ace queen. this isnt a headcanon i just like reminding people :) she’s also bi/pan oriented (she uses both terms interchangeably) 

thalia is aroace and has never once gotten what all the hype is about, she assumed people were joking or like at least overexaggerating when they talked about romance and sex 

artemis/diana is also aroace obviously (apollo is pan tho, theyre twins they balance each other out) 

frank is demisexual n straight

calypso is demisexual and demi-lithromantic, pan oriented 

travis stoll is allo-ace, connor stoll is aro-allo, they think this is hilarious

magnus chase is also greyromantic and demisexual, bi oriented 

ok im done 

#pjo #percy jackson and the olympians #hoo #heroes of olympus #pjo headcanons #hoo headcanons #any and all aphobes will meet a swift end #oh and percy is totally bi btw like fucking LOOK at him #og post // #*rubs my little aromantic gremlin hands all over your faves*

[lilmerh]

for pride asks!!

3, which pronouns do you use?

7, are you the token queer person in your family?

14, how do you think other factors like neurodivergency or upbringing have impacted your identity?

21, what message would you give to your younger self?

25, which part of queer discourse frustrates you the most?

3. She/they/he and also secretly fae prns!! I don't like telling people my pronouns. It makes me gender dysphoric for some reason I can't quite figure out

7. I think so! At least I'm the only openly gay person I know in my entire fam

14. My upbringing definitely helped bc I wasn't raised by homo/transphobic people, nor were surrounded by them in school or other places. This led to me having no shame upon learning I was gay (I did have a bit of a struggle with not being "trans enough", but overtime I worked through that).

My Autism Sense Of Justice made me very stubborn in my beliefs of LGBT rights, equity n equality, and I try to speak in favour of this whenever I can (in class, assignments, and such, mainly).

My autism itself didn't impact my gay identities much... except for figuring out my romantic identity. A major question I asked myself used to be "am I aromantic or just autistic???". Those two may seem unrelated, but being autistic, it made me question my aromantic identity a lot. The main reason was basically "am I actually aromantic, or does my autism just mean I dislike/experience differently the societal expectations of romance?" f.ex. kissing, that weird eye contact thing, other body language "signs" of crushing, playing hard to get n other things that were viewed as romantic that I just hated.

Over time I came to the conclusion that I should just... try calling myself aromantic and follow other aros and read their experiences and see if my mind changed. If I was wrong, I could always just... change the label I use for myself. An' now I confidently identify as aromantic lol (technically more accurately greyromantic and biromantic, but I just say aromantic because it's easier + I don't have to care too much about defining myself)

21. I don't have much I would say to myself tbh. If anything, I would tell my younger self to not watch like... Steven Crowder and other cringe ppl's LGBT videos. During a short period of time (that I grew out of bc I stopped agreeing with their views), I used to watch conservative's vids on LGBT because I believed I "had to remain neutral" (for whatever reason) and so had to "respect" their takes even if I didn't agree with em.

I don't know if I would actually tell my younger self to not watch them, though, bc I think in some way, having had that short phase was beneficial to my development?

-It makes me slightly more understanding to people who don't know much about the LGBT and might say off things. Since I fell for the cringe ppl's words for a short bit, I can extend a certain degree of understanding to people who aren't outright hateful, but still say off things/agree with the cringe ppl (note "a certain degree")

-The embarassement from having listened to bigoted ppl for some time makes me wore open to learn an be against exclusion + be more firm in my own beliefs because OMG I do NOT want to repeat that mistake again *skull emoji*

25. If I were to pick one... probably the insistance that labels are set in stone and no person can ever break them or use contradictory or confusing labels.

Gayness, for many of us is hard to define, or we might just not want to, for whatever reason. For some, using a broad label like "queer" is more comfortable. For some people, their labels might change with time or how they feel (say, a genderfluid person who identifies as achillean "despite" being a girl sometimes). Sometimes it's a matter of community (like, a transmasc still calling himself a lesbian, even though that label is mainly assosciated with women, because he identified as a lesbian for years and still does bc he still has ties to the community). Sometimes people choose one label over another more "accurate" one (like me!! I think omnisexual would technically describe my attraction the most accurately, and yet I choose bi. It's more well known + it's just always been there for me, yk?)

Being gay is confusing!! Not everyone can decipher the exact labels that describe their experiences perfectly. Not everyone wants to, either. Some people feel more trapped by doing that than just calling themselves "trans".

I am all for people making super-specific labels to describe their experiences, and I ALSO think no one should force another gay person to use/conform to a specific label.

In my opinion, LGBT labels are mainly useful for two things:

To understand your own experience, describe your experience to yourself

Communicate that experience to others, find community, have a word for your similar experiences, use that word + community to fight against anyone who tells you you're lesser than or don't exist

I think the more important factor is that people feel comfortable with the label they choose, rather than fretting about which label to choose.

Policing labels never does anything helpful for the community, it just brings infighting. Also, it ignores the fact that each label has a different definition depending on who you talk to. Many labels also have a long history, which means people are gonna have different opinions of what it means because language naturally changes and evolves. (One term is "lesbian". I've seen so many different definitions and flag variations, I probably couldn't list them all. Another one is "transgender", which evolved from "transsexual" which evolved from "transvestite".) No label in the LGBT community is viewed 100% identically by every person. Therefore, we should just let people assign whichever label they want to their own experience.

Everyone experiences being gay differently; forcing everyone with a specific experience to use a specific identity kills the biodiversity and variation within that community.

#ask time #this doesn't feel very... coherent... but i hope you will still enjoy reading #lilh text

[aro-geo-turtle]

heyo! im someone who actually experiences romantic atraction, but my main character of my ocs is aroace, Are there any traits or pet peeves to avoid while writing/ representing aro characters?

oh wow, thanks for the ask! honestly aro experiences are hugely varied and there’s no one thing that you absolutely should or shouldn’t do. like, obv aro doesn’t equal villain/alien/robot and that shouldn’t be all of the rep but also it can be fun sometimes and aro ppl can relate to those characters too

I guess my main advice is to figure out that character’s own opinions on romance in regards to themself and others. If they see someone doing a romantic gesture are they repulsed and look away or do they think it’s cute? Are they interested in having a qpr/platonic life partner/romantic partner? Are they insecure or loud and proud? Do they experience aesthetic or tertiary attraction at all? And if they’re still confused and figuring out those sorts of things, that’s also super common. they might have a least favorite trope they’re willing to rant about or a thing about romance they’re eternally confused about or something like that. I spend a lot of time just utterly befuddled by how romance and crushes are supposed to work since it just doesn’t compute. Pretty much every aro I know gets struck with some shitty feelings about their identity every now and again, even if they’re happy with it most of the time, just because of the world we live in. It sucks.

the one big bad no no is not to “fix” them but you can probably guess that much. you can’t really go wrong as long as you respect the character and flesh them out well

but I’m just one aro and we’re a varied community so take this with a grain of salt lol!

#Aro #asks #witchkittymeow

[angeltherubiks]

A year on Testosterone

My journey as FTM began fully late oct 2018. That’s when I realized that I was indeed transgender. I was a little bit scared yet relived about this new development of my identity, but it didn’t take away the anxiety of it all. I worried what friends and especially family would think about me, and I assume the worst, excommunication, being disowned, going through the world moving forward alone, it is so scary especially cause I’ve heard so many others going through this fallout.

I’m happy to say it wasn’t the case, well at least with my friends. Some members of the family are having a hard time with it still, my dad especially but he was never queer friendly to begin with so I knew if all else, I would get backlash from him.

I officially started Testosterone mid July 2021. The changes I have gotten from T have been good, really good for me yet perplexing to some of my friends lol. The biggest change has been my confidence and anxiety. My confidence overall has gone up this past year and my anxiety has gone down. The best example was when I went to finally get my drivers license. In the eve of my drivers test my friend asked me how I was feeling about the test. I basically said I was feeling indifferent, not exactly that I don’t care but like, if I pass, I pass, if I don’t pass, I’ll just retake the test. It short circuited their brain cause they couldn’t understand how I wasn’t getting anxious about it. To be honest I did get anxious but only once the driving instructor got in the car.

Physically the changes I have gotten where what I was hoping for although some changes I was not expecting. Before starting T, me and my doc concluded that I have pcos so some changes most ppl would typically get in the beginning I won’t experience because I have already gotten it to an extent, which ended up being the case.

My skin became oily, I was dealing with acne to the degree that I had as a teenager. I started getting facial hair on my chin and it slowly made its way towards my neck. Right now, its working on my sideburns so im excited to see how soon my face can theoretically form a beard. Body hair wise the ones I do have have become longer and darker.  No real change about my hair line other than discovering u can get pimples at the back of ur head from the extra oil the body is now naturally producing.

My voice has gotten deeper. I was already in an androgynous voice range before starting T so I could emulate a guy voice after warming up my throat a bit. A few months in T I noticed that it was becoming easier to fall into the voice range and a month or so later I got proper a voice drop. Its hard to say if it will continue to drop. Data I have gathered from the voice analysis app says im pretty much there and strangers in general don’t question my voice, even over the phone.

There are now things I understand as to why guys dress in a certain way. The main one being wearing shorts even though it is cold outside. Simply put, the body is hot on T, temperature wise lol. I was already wearing mens clothing before starting T so nothing different otherwise.

Before starting T I was passing 50% of the time. Although I was constantly being clocked by moms at my retail job and while my job kinda knew me as a guy, a few ppl put to and to together that I was female (curse u job schedule posting legal names in the back room). I never did get flack for it, other then one of the managers coming up to clarify what gender I was cause admittedly, I never said. He was totally chill with it and even tried to help figure out the system so that the schedule wouldn’t deadname me.

The changes downstairs have been interesting. I didn’t know that I had in a way, already gotten a T-dick from pcos till I started testosterone. I was already half an inch and right now im about an inch, inch and half although its hard to judge since the base isn’t quite clear compared to normal cis dicks. The horniness has also been real, some days it felt like I needed my hand down my pants just to have some peace and quiet in my brain. Especially during the 3rd month.

I also discovered that you have a higher chance of getting a yeast infection on T, that was a fun two week experience. My doc explained that since the downstairs is changing, it is also freaking out a little and trying to rebalance itself hormone wise. While it wasn’t the cause, it increased it and I did something that while I normally wouldn’t have gotten any repercussions of, I ended up having to. For those wondering it was a combo of shaving the downstairs for the first time since starting T (I was four months in at that point) and using a bar of questionable bar of soap to shower with. Most likely it could have happened anyway with the bar of soap but it was still something that happened during my first year on T.

Medically I chose to do injections, althou originally, I thought I was gonna do inter muscular injections until I went to my doctors office for my injection training. That’s when I learned about subcuticular injections. I became less anxious about my shots after that due to the fact that I was already chubby so fat wise, I was golden lol. The biggest problem I had thou was getting syringes and needles. When I finally got the vial after being in insurance purgatory for 3 weeks, I realized that it was only the vial, when I asked the pharmacist about it, they said that they don’t sell needles over the counter, so I needed to get a script from my doctor. For one whole week I had that vial taunting me as I waiting for my doc to come back to me about the syringe and needle. Finally, I got the prescription but then I had a new problem. The initial four I got from the pharmacy was all that they had. Turns I was now part of a new shortage other people where facing, a shortage of 1ml syringes and 25g inch needles because those where the sizes everyone was using for the covid vaccines. This was in the height of everyone getting their covid vaccines so I was a bit fucked. I ended up getting a packet of 20 online from amazon. Right now things have calmed down I think supplies wise althou I haven’t tried getting them from the pharmacy again.

The injections themselves arnt too bad, at least for me. Althou the first injection was very intimidating. That needle was inside me a lot longer then it should have but I did it. I started off biweekly then switched to weekly after I got my first set of labs back. The excitement has gone down so it kinda feels like a mini chore that I must make sure I do every Friday. For the most part it’s not intimidating anymore. There was a brief period of a month mid-way in to the year where I was nervous about injecting after I had a couple of drops of blood come out of the injection site. It hasn’t happened since *knocks on wood* but I think if it does happen again, I won’t be as freaked out by it.

I also didn’t realize how much my background as a biology major would be starting T. I had some experience dealing with needles from a few lab experiments I had to do but by far the biggest tool was knowing my chemistry. Specifically on converting dosages to figure out how much per week someone was getting of their dosage. Less towards me and more towards other people on reddit or on the trans discord server who wanted number to compare each other with.

Finally, the mental changes. I mentioned before how I gained a boost in my confidence and a decrease in anxiety but there are a few other things as well that have change. Its hard to tell if some of these are due to T, age or dealing with the pandemic but I know one change for sure that is due to T. having no thoughts on the brain. Seriously just not thinking about anything. I kinda had this going already but very rarely. It was more like having a stoner thought where I just inspect either the setting or an object like thinking about the small details and just getting lost in thought. Kinda like observation mode. But now I get proper moments where there’s no thoughts in my head, legit not thinking of anything sort of like observation mode but I’m not taking notes like I would. It perplexes my friends though. One of them especially as she has never experience anything like that before and might have assumed I was lying when I replied with “nothing”.

I did had to relearn my anger as it became different being on T. not a bad different, more like the triggers of it changed and the response as well. So I had to briefly relearn the new triggers and how to prevent myself so I don’t accidentally go off on someone. Luckily, I caught it before I actually did but im still figuring it out a bit. Who would have thought being isolated due to a global pandemic would make it harder to get angry at socially.

I also noticed I don’t cry as much, granted even before T I only cried on average twice a year, typically once though. Funny enough its also going to be year since the last time I cried. I had a moment a week into T where I was super upset and ended up balling my eyes out. I wont get into details as to why I was upset, just that I was. It had nothing to do with me starting T and I’ll leave it at that. Not to say that was the last time tears left my eyes, my eyes get super watery from having wind blown on them or onions being cooked. But legit crying, haven’t really done it since that first week on T.

That’s about all the changes I can think of for this past year as far as testosterone changes goes. I hope this helps someone else going along the journey either starting or already on it. I wanna add my voice to the void of other FTM’s to help others in their journey. Especially since I’m not a Caucasian skinny person.

To whomever does read this, I hope ur journey goes well and there are less headaches in ur journey to being you.

Best wishes from ur fav online chubby 28 year old mex-american

#FTM #HRT #one year on testosterone #transgender #transman #pride #transmasc

[theabstruseanon]

i don't usually post ever but since my wuvvy thoughts exploded last week here i am again but wuvvy wasn't really here this time but my god the revelations but i just find it interesting in a way i can't quite articulate the circumstances and differences of rue and hob's diverging views on service for others vs service for the self (and the apparent incompatibility of the two to exist at the same time) but (remembers that the read more feature exists)

like of course rue is so focused on the self because they've finally broken free from the service of others that while they were proud of their work itself, it was still overtly for the sake of acceptance, of fitting in, of conforming - to the point where it was breaking them in ways they didn't even realize until recently.

like i do agree overall with rue's frustration that hob only ever does things "for his court, as a soldier under their command" to the point where he will go against his own morals (up to this point more or less) but i also am with hob in his heartbreaking confusion about why rue "suddenly" doesn't seem to understand "acts of service" (which to hob is again, about showing love and care to those around you at its core, even if the love is misplaced and actually truly undeserved)

and for hob, his service for his court is also for acceptance and conformity and he also takes... idk if he takes pride in his work but there is a fulfilment to it for him but it ties so heavily into his need to please his superiors that it's so skewed. and during the argument even though i know that hob's dedication to his court is because his court is a) manipulative b) depriving of love, the fact that he himself holds the ideals of service to be so honourable and for communal sake that i couldn't help but still appreciate that part of him. like his court being shitty doesn't take away that he's sefless because at his core he cares about other people, and his actions with the other pcs shows that he is just a compassionate and caring person at his core, do u get what im saying (not me projecting all the anthropology communal vs individualistic cultures lens on their argument and feeling defensive on hob's behalf even though external forces are manipulative to him LMAOO)

(Edit: I'm coming back after reading more posts and everyone else seems to read hob's dedication as being only because he only sees himself as the blunt instrument and can't see outside of that and can't even understand that he has a choice and while I see what everyone's saying I am also seeing that I definitely read his dedication aspects differently LOL, as seen above cause most ppl pin his acts of service to only be a product of his station and lack of making choices for himself (so inherently negative and in the way of self-actualization) but not as many ppl mentioned that like. Again outside of external forces, acts of service is how hob shows love, care, community (so it's not acts of service themselves which are negatively affecting hob but rather in the way he is not appreciated and that this care is not reciprocated to the point where he hinges his entire identity on only that). Idk mb it's cause im chn and overthink communal vs individualism cultures when analyzing media LMAO)

but i also see again (as others have pointed out before) how deeply rue's own circumstances and perspective completely colour their actions and thoughts to a point where it almost seems like they aren't in a place rn where they can sort of... understand where others are coming from u feel? for me this was another extension of the kind of attitude rue had where they asked wuvvy what would make her happy but with that kind of assumption that her answer would align with their own based on their self-discoveries and finally figuring out what will make themselves happy (which is much deserved)

anyways i loved the confrontation/argument 10/10 made me actually invested in their relationship now that it's a proper trainwreck of clashing deeply held personal ideals, of course-- LSKDFJ

but also that quick wuvvy scene in the preview??? im dying im so scared for how wuvvy's arc will conclude i am so scared that wuvvy's motivations are going to just. flatten out to only being jealousy sdkljflsdkjf SOMEONE HOLD ME UNTIL THE FINALE

#acofaf spoilers #acofaf