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comfortmarvelimagines · 4 years

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You are Home, and Home is Safe

heyhey ! deciding to just get it over with and post this tonight (for those of you who don’t know what i’m talking about, a post explaining can be found here. side note, please be nice in my inbox, its been rough getting some of those comments). i am, however, going to continue to tag autistic!reader fics with #whenyoucantfindthequiet and #wycftq, so they’re easier to find. hope it’s what you’re after, nonnie, and i’m so so sorry it took so long !!

features : autistic!reader x mama!nat, lowkey asshole Tony Stark (it’s okay i didn’t make him really mean, just kinda well-meaning but misplaced/ mistimed)

warnings : uhhh i guess meltdowns, some self-injurious behaviour

Words are hard. Always have been, always will be.

You haven't always had a family. For years you were passed from foster home to foster home, with a consistent message: you were too much. Your needs were too high, your behaviour too confusing, your struggles too much to deal with. It got to a point where you began to question yourself, your diagnoses and trauma, wondering if it was all in your head or for attention like you were told over and over.

That changed when you met Nat.

It wasn’t immediate of course. There was the initial period of complete and total distrust, of another stranger whose life you were thrust into the middle of, floundering and drowning with no support. There was shutdown after shutdown. The trauma of being ignored and punished for meltdowns meant that you’d learned to internalise. You barely ate, and didn’t speak. But Nat met you where you were, unwaveringly. Was always calm, composed, voice level. Kept food out on the kitchen bench at all times, figuring out your safe foods and keeping them stocked. Realised you liked small enclosed spaces and stocked your bedroom with beanbags, pillows, stuffies and blankets, a permanent blanket fort taking up residence in the living space. Perhaps the most wonderful was her commitment to listening to you, with or without words. The superspy was quick to recognise your shutdown states from body language alone and responded quickly, with two option questions and the request to tap the hand of the answer you wanted.

You almost wanted to feel embarrassed, humiliated, of the accommodations she made so immediately. But she always spoke to you conversationally and never in an infantilizing tone, like so many before her, and the trust you held for her grew. It didn’t always grow in a way that you felt was positive, though. As weeks passed you felt your shutdowns turn into meltdowns and silence into frustrated screams. You didn’t want to hurt her. You didn’t want to feel ungrateful or angry or like any of this was on purpose but somehow she knew. As she held you close after each one she reminded you that your body was unlearning trauma, that you were safe, that you were loved so fully and unconditionally and nothing, including meltdowns, would change that. The way she held you felt like home.

But no one else was like Nat. Social workers were condescending, school was overwhelming, nowhere was safe. So you stuck to Nat. It wasn’t long after you were placed with her that she pulled you out of school, realising that they were doing more harm than good, and she was always there for homeschool. Not looking over your shoulder, but present. You could hear her humming through the walls, or swearing as she dropped a spoon into a pot of soup on the stove again, and it was comforting. It wasn’t the apartment that was home, per say, but having a parent made it feel like one. If she went to the grocery store or a walk in the park you came with, ear defenders on, clinging to her sleeve for safety. She told you that she loved you a million times a day, until one day you said it back.

Words came easier after that. Simple things, like asking what’s for breakfast, became routine. It wasn’t just Nat softly illuminating the cramped space with hummed melodies and occasionally vulgar language but you as well, asking for help with homework or explaining a meme. It felt normal, comfortable, okay. The outside world was too much, but inside your home, the anxiety all but melted from your throat.

You never wanted to leave safety. You wanted to feel it all the time. It was warm and sweet and heavy but in a calm way, like a weighted blanket sinking into your joints. It started as a one-time-thing, after a particularly rough meltdown, but you started sleeping in Nat’s bed. It just felt… right. The panic that set in when Nat left the room and you didn’t know where she was going or what she was doing or if she was ever going to come back was so all-consuming and nauseating that going to sleep alone, in another room, unable to hear her was torturous. What if she abandoned you, gone in the night, social worker beckoning you on to the next uncaring couple, crowded foster family or group home? This way, when you woke at 2am from a nightmare, the first thing you heard was her even breathing. Home. Safe.

***

Tony Stark was something else. Nat eventually started to transition back to work, and, as being homeschooled permitted, brought you with her. Even in classified meetings where you weren’t allowed in you sat in corridors and made sure you could see her red braid through the frosted glass, glancing up from your laptop every few seconds to make sure she didn’t disappear while you wrote your English critique. The rest of Nat’s colleagues (it felt too weird to just casually refer to them as the Avengers and co) didn’t mention your presence, at least in front of you; it was as if they didn’t know what to say or how to say it. Not that you’d say anything back. Outside of the safety of home it was like the anxiety disconnected your brain from your throat, anything you wanted to say cut off before it reached your tongue. It was frustrating. The first few days ended in meltdowns when you reached the apartment and it felt weird and strange and almost like you were two different people but an all-round embarrassment of a child. It was weeks before things settled into a routine and a pattern of acknowledged non-acknowledgement. A pattern Stark ignored.

You were sitting at the island bench in the communal kitchen, drinking chocolate milk and typing out an assignment, when you heard both Nat and Tony heading down the hall towards you. They’d just come out of a meeting, you sitting watch outside the whole time, and Nat had sent you to the kitchen to wait for her while she headed upstairs with Tony to drop off some paperwork to an intern. You hadn’t thought much of it. Sure, you didn’t like being away from Nat at all, but if she was clear in where she was going and how long she was going for (provided it was only a short period), you did okay. It was okay, until you heard the discussion from down the hall.

“Damn, Nat, is that the longest you’ve been away from the kid?”

“No.”

“C’mon, Nat. I know the kid’s been through some shit, but this isn’t healthy. For either of you. What happens if you can’t get out of the mission next time? They’re gonna have to be away from you at some point. You can’t be in this line of work with a barnacle of a kid.”

You’d heard enough. As the topic changed and they entered the kitchen, you didn’t look up from your laptop in greeting.

***

Too much. Too clingy. Too anxious, too needy, too autistic, too much. You needed separation. Give Nat space. Of course she needed to work. The world needed her, and they didn’t need you tagging along. When you got home that night, you headed straight to your room. Buried yourself in the mountain of blankets and stuffies and waited until Nat came to check on you, facing the wall, feigning sleep. You doubt you fooled the former spy but nonetheless, she left you be, a whispered “I love you” hanging in the air as she creaked the door close behind her.

It was seconds before you broke. It felt like choking. All of the fear that was slowly reduced to an ebbing tide through months of living in a caring environment crashed on you like the mother of all tsunamis, saltwater running down your cheeks and into your mouth as if smothering all the words you wished you could scream. It lasted for hours and hours and it was relentless, painful, as if your heart was being ripped out and an empty throbbing numbness was expanding in its place. You were too much. Too much. Too much.

Nat stood outside your door at the time when she’d usually be gently waking you up, watching you unfurl and stretch yourself out of the cocoon of blankets you slept in every night. She knew something was wrong from lunch yesterday, and your isolation from her was concerning. She figured you needed space, but the sleep she knew was an act sat at the back of her mind and bugged her all night long. Even with that nagging suspicion that something was up, nothing prepared her for the way her heart sank when she came in and saw your body curled up, eyes red and barely open from exhaustion, pillow and face damp from tears.

She was at your side in seconds. Your resolve to cut yourself off melted at the sight of her open arms, safe, warm, home. And immediately your body melted. Hands running through your hair, the promise that you were safe, loved, worthy of support, the request to “tell me next time, please, you don’t need to deal with this on your own.”

For some reason, those were the words that broke out the first sounding sob in the 12 hours of silent crying. It was so loud and gut-wrenching and it almost didn’t feel like it came from you at all and it was such a weird feeling, and all of a sudden you were scratching at your arms to try and re-embody yourself and Nat was breathing calmly and deeply and gently rubbing your shoulders until you found yourself easing back into your physicality.

“Did you hear what Stark said yesterday?”

And just like that she figured it out, of course she did, because she’s a trained spy and that’s her job, to put the pieces together and slot the narrative into place. And god, were you grateful, because you couldn’t see yourself stringing sentences together to accuse none other than Iron Man himself of triggering waves of hurt just by stating what you’d convinced yourself was the truth. She was quick to reassure. You are loved, you are wanted, you are always welcome and will always be her child and what you need will always come first. The warm safety settled itself in your belly and you let the tiredness wash over you, drifting on a life raft of whispered Russian lullabies and Nat’s hand rubbing circles on your back. At peace.

Of course, you’d never tell Nat, but hearing her whisper-yell at Tony over the phone for being an insensitive dick was possibly one of the best moments of your life.

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my-writings-and-musings · 3 years

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Hey, I hope you are 100% ok with found family theme? Because found family theme in Transformers are my favourite trope. For the request, would you do the headcanons for Ratchet, Drift and Windblade with the reader who is a techno-organic?

Found Family is the golden trope above all tropes and 1000% supported on this blog anon don't worry about it. Time for some fluff.

Windblade

·Though she's somewhat new to exploring the galaxy, she knows the value of close friends, and how they can become your greatest support when times are tough. She forges bonds that are deep with those she trusts, and she intends to keep those for the rest of her life. To a certain extent one might say she has a family that's always growing. Granted she doesn't just let anyone in, but her kind nature means she's always seeking out those who need companionship. For you, this worked out rather beautifully from the outset. Unlike so many others your nature didn't perturb her in the slightest. She was merely curious, but upon discovering you were being ostracized she took you under her wing and never looked back.

·Like any found family, she introduces you to the other members and explains to each one in private what you'd endured. The bots she'd never known a day without, Chromia and Nautica, stepped up immediately to help. This family is built on mutual support and protecting one another, so think of yourself as having just gained some very large and powerful but loving bodyguards. Chromia in particular has no patience for bullies. Neither does Windblade, but she prefers to sort things out peacefully if you ever find yourself the target of more bullying. That likely comes from her role as a Cityspeaker, given that communication is her greatest skill, and she extends that to you as well. You'll never find her anything but enthusiastic to listen to what you have to say, and she loves to talk and share her opinions right back.

·Speaking of Cityspeaker duties, however, there's someone else in her circle that you'll get to meet. Titan's aren't just her coworkers, she bonds quite closely with them too, and she likes to help others understand that these gigantic beings can actually be quite lonely. Thus, your newfound family turns out to be much larger than you could have ever anticipated. That's to say nothing of how boundless the love and acceptance proves to be, as for the first time you find yourself surrounded by a judgement free environment, and it's like a breath of fresh air. Anything on your mind can be spoken without fear of rejection! Windblade takes listening incredibly seriously, after all, and so for the first time in your life you speak and are heard. The lack of genetic relations does nothing to stifle the wonder of it all.

·Yet, for her incredibly soft spark, Windblade quickly proves she has no patience for the bias you've become accustomed to as a techno-organic. Comments you were once forced to just endure are now met with fiery resistance from your adopted family. Should anyone ever get the idea they can threaten you, that assumption is very quickly corrected. The Stormfall Sword rarely even needs to be unsheathed for them to learn you're under considerable protection, and even if it does Windblade won't hesitate if she fears you're in any kind of danger, and neither will anyone else on your side. When you ask why they reply as if it's obvious; family looks out for family. They're with you through thick and thin, and you don't have to endure any cross words so long as they're around. Each one promises that much.

·Having endured what you have, it takes some time for you to understand that they mean it, and that they'll never abandon you. Windblade has truly taken you under her wing, as she so often likes to joke.

Ratchet

·Being a medic for a species desperately understaffed with doctors can be exceptionally difficult, especially with such high mortality rates, but that's never stopped Ratchet from caring. He knows every life is precious, and he forms friendships with the intent of them lasting a lifetime. No one is ever going to be uncared for if he has something to say about it. Thus, you more or less find yourself "adopted" by the gruff medic before you can even blink. Though techno-organics often face exclusion from bots, Ratchet has spent enough time performing surgery to know that what's on the inside physically hardly matters in terms of character. He's held the sparks of Autobots and Decepticons alike, and at the end of the day they all look the same.

·That being said, he makes it very clear to you that if anyone gives you a hard time, he wants to know straight away. His famously gruff demeanor isn't all an act, and he can absolutely make a bot regret every single mean word they said to you. Not only that, but he knows how emotional health is just as important as physical, so he makes sure to check in on you quite frequently. It's not our of character for him to sit you down if he sees something is bothering you, at which point he'll gently ask if you'd like to talk and he'll listen. Being busy doesn't mean he won't do everything in his power to make time for you.

·Something people often forget though, and you'll probably be quite surprised to see, is how much he likes to celebrate positive achievements and praise your hard work. Like a proud papa, he'll absolutely gush when he hears you've succeeded at something you've been working on. Not just to you either, if you're okay with it, he'll brag about it to anyone that listens. Confidence is important, so he does everything in his power to make sure you know your worth. The other medics all freely join in as well. Everyone who works in the medical bay gets close to one another, so they become your extended family of sorts, like a gathering of aunts and uncles who all do surgery together. It makes for a surprisingly cheerful crew.

·Upon getting closer to him, you eventually see that Ratchet isn't just acting gruff to cover a soft spark, he's arguably the softest bot on the entire ship. On more than one occasion you've drifted off somewhere only to wake up mysteriously tucked in to your own bed, and when asked he'll simply get flustere and say the mattress is better for your back. Trust him; he's fallen asleep at his desk often enough to know. Should you ever come down with any kind of illness, however, all pretenses of gruffness will dissapear very quickly. You'll find yourself doted on by a very caring docbot, one who encourages you to relax and not strain yourself while he brings you anything you need.

·Being a techno-organic often means enduring so much isolation that receiving any kind of medical care is hard, as neither organics nor bots typically want to treat you. However, as you spend more time with the medic who's adopted you, something begins to become clear. Not only do you receive all the medical attention you need without hesitation, but all the care one requires to truly be healthy. As a family should, he and the others medics look out for your emotional wellbeing too. Your sense of self finally begins to heal as you never knew it needed to.

Drift

·When it comes to being alone, few bots have a greater understanding than a former Decepticon. Even on the Lost Light he's pushed to the outskirts, and thus his precious few friends become lifelong companions that are naturally his family. Having explored far and wide and knowing that the prejudice against techno-organics like yourself is awful, his first action when he saw you was to offer his protection. He'll never let anyone endure loneliness if he can help it. You're surprised by how incredibly warm and affectionate he is right from the start, as his reputation would hardly suggest a bot who welcomes you like a literal ray of sunshine.

·Yet in surprisingly short order you find yourself under the protection of a bot who's simultaneously the friendliest and deadliest being on the ship. Drift checks in with you regularly to ensure you're not being made fun of or even made to feel the slightest bit uncomfortable. He doesn't want to kick anyone's butt, but he makes it clear he absolutely will if you're at risk, and he has the go ahead from Rodimus on that front. Speaking of which, the captain of the ship immediately grants you his own protection as well, stating that anyone who befriends his bestie is good by him. You're happy but incredibly surprised to find two individuals with such different personalities acting like they've grown up together, and the two don't even care about all the ways their perspectives differ!

·Growing closer to Drift only makes you more amazed at how impossibly mellow and relaxed he is. Though the bot could easily best almost any bot on the ship in combat, he's only interested in being friends with his fellow Autobots, hoping to extend the tenets of his religion into all aspects of his life. Though he wants you to convert, there's absolutely no pressure to do so, and he happily accepts your refusal if you decline. The laid back mech shows you the kind of nonjudgemental support system you never knew was possible. When asked about it, he says that he wants you to have a place where you'll always feel accepted, and he hopes to provide that.

·Even more than acceptance, you find him to be incredibly encouraging of all your goals, no matter how small some of them may be. Every time you achieve something he's effusive in his praise. Though he doesn't say why, eventually you put together that he sorely lacked the same in his youth. No doubt, he wants to provide you with everything he was missing. Whether he's more akin to a dad, uncle or cool brother becomes irrelevant over time. In time you come to realize what matters is you have someone who will always be in your corner. Should you ever need positive reinforcement of any kind, it's merely a request away.

·It takes time for it all to really sink in that you've been adopted more or less, all without your new family ever mentioning as much. In fact, Drift so naturally welcomed you into his life you're not sure he realized it either. The ninja bot is simply so loving and accepting you could forget there's a harsh universe out there every time he pulls you in for some comfort after a hard day. The peace of having such a system of support is indescribable.

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tros-for-dinner · 3 years

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The tros death star fight, reimagined

A little background to set up my re-imagining of the scene: through most of the movie, Rey and Kylo are at cross-purposes. (I wrote the following in two hours, it isn’t perfect yet, keep in mind it’s a revision-in-progress).

Rey: in the start of the movie, she and Kylo experience a vision in the Force together. They both see Rey sitting on the throne, ruler of the galaxy - this Rey is completely alone, having isolated herself from her friends and Kylo. Her pain and anger are immeasurable, and she’s destroying the galaxy with her power in the Force (she’s lashing out, but with the Force). Rey sees the vision, and sets out to find the throne and destroy it. Through the story, she learns more about the throne. (Long story short, palpatine and the throne are a metaphor for how greed corrupts, because greed is the cause of suffering.)

Kylo: in parallel to Rey - he experiences the vision with Rey: in the vision, he is dead because she killed him. He can feel his death approaching but his survival instinct is rebelling, he doesn’t want to succumb to this fate he thinks he’s been born into. He goes to Mustafar in pilgrimage, finds the holocron, gives himself PTO to go where the map leads. (Hux is the one making the actual leadership decisions for the F.O.)

Kylo goes to Exogol and finds the throne and palpatine, who tells him that he can be the most powerful being in the universe…if he kills Rey. Kylo is extremely conflicted about this. He is convinced he’s supposed to want power but he doesn’t want to destroy this person who he has such a deep connection with. Rey finds out he has the map through a force-skype scene and decides she’s going to steal the map from him so she can get to the throne.

Through their force Skype scenes in the movie, Kylo is trying to convince Rey that she isn’t so high-and-mighty. “We’re not so different,” he says, which is the truth. “What are your friends going to say when they find out you interact with the dark side of the Force as much as any Darksider?” he asks, pointedly. “The dark side is a part of us, whether we like it or not.”

When the gang smuggles themselves aboard Ren’s star destroyer to rescue Chewie (in my reimagining it is Rose they’re rescuing), Rey splits off from the group to find the map (but doesn’t tell her friends that’s what she’s really doing). In the end, she doesn’t find it, and longer escape short, force-pirouettes herself away in the hangar after Kylo lets her go (he stands between her and the troopers so he can stop any blaster bolts they may loose).

Critical moment: when Kylo sees her face-to-face in the hangar - seeing each other in person for the first time since the throne room - he realizes that he won’t ever be able to kill her, not for any reward in the galaxy. He decides then he’s going to destroy the throne and palpatine. He knows he isn’t strong enough to do it alone. He wants Rey to help him.

Kylo follows the Falcon to Kif Bir, in effect abandoning the First Order, and tracks Rey out to the Death Star wreckage.

Long part of Finn’s plot short: the Falcon crash lands in a village of ex-stormtroopers, Finn decides he’s going to spend the rest of his life trying to free troopers. A couple of months ago I posted to tumblr the scene where he tells Poe, it was pretty well-received and I’m proud of it.

Rey sees the death star, realizes through her experience scavenging imperial ships that there will be a map room (and she can ‘feel it in the Force’ or whatever). Or, the ex-troopers tell her gossip that there’s a map hidden in that piece of the ship in the sea. Either way, Rey makes a gamble and goes out to the death star wreckage without telling anybody.

So all of this leads up to the Death Star. Rey rappels to the Emperor’s chambers and experiences a vision in the Force - dark side rey. This version of her is cruel and uncaring, absolutely fractured by pain and anger and loneliness: what she will become if she keeps pushing her friends away and insisting she can do everything by herself. Because that’s the lesson in this movie: the Force brings us together. None of us can do it alone. Every person needs a community, some sort of social structure in which to exist. To isolate ourselves, not accept help when we need it, to drown in loneliness - these things are antithesis to the Force. Palpatine tells Rey and Kylo that to be powerful, they have to isolate themselves, but that is a lie so he can control them. The truth is, to be powerful, they have to work together.

Rey gets out of the map room/vision, and Kylo has found her. Him being there is a declaration: ‘I’m choosing whatever side you’re on.’ “We need to work together to destroy the throne!” he implores her.

Rey, shaken from the vision, and not yet accepting how she feels about Kylo, rejects this. He destroys the second map in a very stupid attempt to bluff: ‘now the only way to palpatine is with me’. Rey realizes that the second map is still in his ship, which is parked very close by, and chooses to fight Kylo for it.

So: the two of them are actually fighting about something in the death star wreckage. Rey wants to beat kylo so she can get to his ship and fly away alone; Kylo is trying to logic Rey into them working together. He’s not interested in killing her, and refuses the killing blow every time one arises.

Leia is dying. She reaches out in the Force and both Rey and Kylo can feel her presence; both are distracted. Leia tells Ben that she loves him, and she dies.

Rey and Kylo are standing in the ocean spray, shellshocked. Rey recovers first, and she force-snatches Kylo’s ‘saber right out of his hand (or, from the deck, if he drops it in a fit of abstentia). He startles, trying to grab it back, but it’s too late: Rey is holding his saber in her hand. He stares at her with fear in his eyes, frozen in place.

Rey stops, and looks down at the saber.

She, and the audience, can see how slip-shod his saber is. We see up close the mods and fixes he made to his saber in order to still use his cracked kyber crystal. (For more info, see the Force Awakens Visual Dictionary, I think. Basically, Ben was a fucking nerd but his fix was pretty janky.) Through the Force, Rey can feel the cracked crystal in the saber: it radiates pain in unending waves. It’s a traumatized being, disguised and held together and made mostly functional with a facade of poorly-hidden nerd shit. It’s a metaphor, and Rey feels a surge of compassion for Kylo she hasn’t felt since before the throne room.

“What happened to it?” she asks Kylo quietly, tears threatening in the back of her eyes. “The kyber.”

He blinks at her, unfreezes a little. There’s grief hidden in his face. “It’s tradition,” he answers her. “M-… Snoke said that to be a true dark-sider, I had to submit the galaxy to my will. The start of that was the crystal. Jedi form a symbiotic relationship with their kyber. Darksiders bend the kyber to their will.” He looks away, fighting his bitter grief. “My resolve wasn’t strong enough. I broke the crystal. It took me ages to find a solution so I could actually use the fractured kyber.”

Rey visibly makes a decision, holds up the ‘saber, then lets go - it is suspended in the air by the Force. She takes a step back.

“I wanted to take your hand,” she confesses to him. It takes real strength for her to say this: it’s her closest-guarded secret. “Ben’s hand.”

He’s gobsmacked at this - but, more than anything, hope dawns across his face. Rey moves her gaze from him to the suspended ‘saber. She holds out her hand in the “Force Stance” towards the ‘saber, but her hand is in a fist. She takes a deliberate inhale, determination on her face, and springs her fist open.

The saber handle explodes - Kylo flinches. When he opens his eyes and looks, he’s surprised to see that she didn’t blast the ‘saber apart and scatter the pieces, as he/we expected: the components of his saber handle are like planets orbiting a miniature star, the kyber crystal. It is glowing bright in the center, and all of Rey’s attention is focused directly on it. As he watches, she heals the crystal, then reassembles the saber as it was before. She floats the saber back to him and he takes it, speechless. He ignites the saber: the blade isn’t nearly as volatile as it was before, but more importantly, instead of being red, it glows white. (Or whatever color healed crystals take, this isn’t the first time it has happened in canon, i think.) He extinguishes it and holsters it.

They take tentative steps toward one another, neither with a lit saber. Both are unsure but keep moving until they’re the closest they’ve been since the elevator.

“I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to you,” she says to him, lifting a hand towards his face.

He watches, breathless - he and the audience think she’s going to caress his face - but instead, her hand changes trajectory at the last second, passing over his face - it’s the same trick he used against her in the forest in Force Awakens. He passes out. His eyes roll back into his head and he collapses, dead weight - but she catches him with the Force and lowers him down gently, then picks up her heels and runs.

He comes to rather quickly - he’s unfocused for a beat, then comes fully back online - just in time to see his ship high in the sky, driving away. He staggers to his feet, a ship lands behind him. He turns - it’s the KOR. They’re there to pick him up.

“Where to, boss?” his second-in-command asks. Kylo looks at him - them being here means they’re loyal to him, not the FO. He has allies, even in this darkest time.

“Follow my ship,” he commands, starting to strip his wet clothes. “We’re going to be there for her when she needs us.”

#reylo #TROS fix-it #the mind killer #long post #my writing #i am open to constructive criticism #if my explanations don't make sense it's because i didn't want to detail everything #and make this 5k words #anyway #i imagine the KOR to be his comrades in arms #they good-naturedly tease him about the bounty he put on Rey for example #'has anyone brought your girlfriend in yet' or something like that #and their ship doesn't look like bargain-bin villain transport

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gayforgoodomens · 5 years

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No OK look. Look. Look.

an AU with crowley and aziraphale as young repressed gays dealing with strongly homophobic backgrounds/families while falling madly, impossibly in love with one another at school

Like crowley would be that crazy cool guy in high school/college who has that one outrageous vintage car, goes to all the parties and drinks to excess, probably comes from money with his constant suit-wearing and designer sunglasses

deals with stress and ptsd from his kinda-probably-a-gang family (and having been abandoned by a distant parent) through living a dangerously precarious lifestyle that doesn't really make him happy in any shape or form, but it helps give off vibes that he's not to be messed with at school and he feels safe that way, doesn't let anyone in, because whenever he showed any kind of vulnerability at home, whenever he asked questions or cried or put on a dress and makeup (it just looks so pretty and he doesn't understand, doesn't understand why it's wrong) it ended up in blood and tears and being called the f-word. He tries so hard to be a rebel and tough and uncaring (and straight, goddamnit, let him be straight, at the very least let this part of his life be normal and easy and safe) in order to fit in at home and protect himself from the outside world. but it doesn't work. He's just alone and scared and wrong.

(rest of the little fic under cut I couldn’t resist)

Aziraphale would be that mild-mannered, lonely student who has a perfect record and perfect scores but no social life whatsoever. spends half his spare time in the school library, away from his peers, and the other half praying and working at his very conservative family's church. His family is nice, really, he assures anyone who asks--they can't not be, they are pastors and community leaders and people of god, they give to charities, they always try to be good and are well respected everywhere. It doesn't matter that they always comment on his weight or his clothes or his sociability or his manucures or on how much of a constant embarrassment he is. It doesn't matter if he doesn't remember ever being told I love you or I'm proud of you. It's not real abuse, he tells himself, because they're doing it for his own good--though he's already, subconsciously, accepted that love is not all encompassing, that it's conditional, and that he has to stay Good, their version of Good, if he wants to keep the modicum of acceptance he has been given so far. He tries to be as good as them, he really does, but it's never good enough, he's always a failure,hes always too weird or too soft or too... Aziraphale.

So he isolates himself and pretends he's disinterested in the real world. Buries himself in books because books show him all the beautiful things he's missing out on while simultaneously protecting him from them - if he just reads about Dorian Gray and his golden curls, he doesn't have to look at real, tangible, terrifying handsome boys in suits. If he reads Wuthering heights, it keeps him from pursuing real and unholy passions that would surely damn him to hell. He doesn't know why they would--and he frankly studied the Bible more than his entire family combined--he just knows that's what happens to gay people. So he pretends it doesn't exist, at all, until they meet each other, and the whole world is turned upside down

maybe crowley scares most people at school-or at the very least, if not scared, everyone thinks he's no good, and avoids him, or just call on him when they need cigarettes, or booze, or something worse (and he provides, because what else is he good, or bad, for). Except aziraphale, who is better than any holy man who ever told him he was going to hell for looking at boys, and sees the good in everyone, even when they can't themselves. He sees crowley watering the wild flowerbeds in the principals garden one evening after school, while bringing back books to the library, and he's stricken by it. Crowley, terrifying crowley, rebel crowley, cool crowley, is knees deep in dirt, his suit ruined (who goes to school in a suit), talking to a plant (not kindly, but still, he /is/ watering it) with the sunset making his eyes shine golden. And Aziraphale is suddenly by his side, putting his books down away from the dirt, and wordlessly helping that strange boy unroot weeds.

And crowley is terribly embarrassed to be found doing something as uncool (as gay, a horrible little voice that sounds a lot like cousin hastur growling in his head) as gardening, but the boy doesn't judge, doesn't say anything really, and it's the first time that happened in a very, very long time, so, crowley immediately takes a liking to him. Next time he sees that one timid library kid in the school's hallway, he rushes to his side, grabbing some of the books he's carrying to class, mumbles it's fair game, and Aziraphale gives him such a confused, gentle, happy smile, he vows to help him every day after that, and to hell with his reputation. Neither of their families likes the association--aziraphale's family thwarts crowley's efforts at a successful crime ring constantly in order to promote their own dubious political dealings, and both families think the other is no good, so both crowley and aziraphale pretend they don't know each other even as the relationship bloom

Seeing that head of blond curls becomes the highlight of every morning ; seeing those pretty eyes that are almost golden in the sunlight becomes a day's only real joy ; and they can't explain the pull they feels toward each other, how easy it is to talk about anything and everything. It feels like they found their first real friend, their best friend in the whole world, someone who finally understands them. They soon spend their entire school life together, holed up in the library, on a football field's bench for lunch, in crowley's car when there's a canceled class and he takes them both out for some snack or just to drive and listen to mixtapes they made one another and talk for hours and hours and hours.

And they don't realize what's happening to them both until crowley drags aziraphale to one of his wild college parties he definitely shouldn't crash at his age, and they try drinks, a lot of drinks in fact, until they're both lying on the parked Bentley's back seat (aziraphale practically bodily restrained a drunk crowley to keep him from driving them home, and it's only when he screamed he didn't want crowley to die and leave him that crowley relented), holding each other tight and warm and safe and loved, crowley whispering how he never felt loved before aziraphale, aziraphale answering he never truly loved himself nor the world before crowley ; and they peck the other's cheeks, their brows, their necks, their jaws ; the corner of their lips, never daring more ; and its beautiful, and tender, and exhilarating, and feels perfectly, absolutely Right ; nothing this loving could ever be wrong. But in the morning, still wrapped in each other's arms and nursing their very first hangover-- the notion that this might be it, they might be in love, in love with a boy- is absolutely, completely, utterly terrifying.

So they pull away from each other ; or at least aziraphale does, because he can't be That way. He can't be Wrong, or even more Wrong than he already is. He'd be kicked out if his family learned what he did, what he feels, what he might be. They would never forgive him. And crowley, poor crowley who told him all about the beatings and the screaming and the guns not-so-well hidden at home ; he could never pull crowley to hell with him. He could never endanger his darling crowley like that, the only person in the world truly dear to him. If crowley's family learned he almost kissed a boy, they would, they could... And sensitive, beautiful crowley, who knows how to use a gun. Aziraphale doesn't dare think about what crowley could do. So he pretends it never happened, or he doesn't remember that night. Pretends he doesn't see crowley's sadness and disappointment when he reaches for aziraphale's hand in the next morning in front of school and Aziraphale pulls back.

Crowley thinks aziraphale hates him now. He's religious, he always knew how religious he was, but he really thought it wasn't in that way. He thought aziraphale maybe felt the same shameful need (love) that he does for him. He had dreams about them holding like a boy and a girl do, had fantasies of taking aziraphale in his car and driving them farfar away, in another galaxy altogether where they can be happy, has entertained those thoughts for maybe longer than he cares to admit, maybe ever since aziraphale helped him in the garden, and it made him feel... Wonderful. There was always this nagging shame at the back of every lovely thought of aziraphale's lips on him, but it grew fainter and fainter every minute of feeling loved by him- and now he's not sure he felt love at all. He was deluded. Poor oversensitive crowley, the voice that sounds like ligur says in his head, grasping onto the first idiot acting like he cares. So Weak and pathetic. Gay guys don't ride off into the sunset. Gay guys get their hearts broken, then their bones, then a bullet in the head. And crowley starts to believe that little voice, and he hates himself for it, because what he feels is beautiful and pure, more beautiful than anything else in the world, and he wants to hold on to it. He chooses to hold on to it, and if aziraphale wants to pretend it never happened, then fine, crowley has enough love for the two of them--has enough love now for the whole universe, so long as aziraphale will keep being his friend.

And so they continue on like this all throughout high school, aziraphale keeping his distance as best he can but still cracking once or twice when crowley's sad smiles and pretty hands reach for him and it gets to be too much ; throwing himself in his arms and kissing his cheek fervently when crowley comes back to school with a split lip and a black eye ; one evening while camping together away from the city, wrapping himself in crowley's arms and closing his eyes so tight to pretend he doesn't want crowley's caressing fingers to explore further than his hip. He loves him so much, in all the wrong ways he shouldn't ; and he only does something about it when it's finally graduation, and crowley asks him, suddenly, to leave. Asks him to leave their families together, be on their own side. They already planned on going to college ; they can go together ; they can be roommates ; they can be themselves, together. And Aziraphale hesitates, isn't sure what crowley means, if crowley knows how much he loves him and in what way, is terrified, mortified, frozen in fear ; but with crowley's hand in his, he could do anything in the world- so he does drop everything and follows.

And if a few weeks after moving, he gets an incendiary letter saying he's been kicked out of his family's estate for his diabolical associations ; and if even later, crowley gets a threatening call and his accounts frozen ; it doesn't matter at all, because they can come home to their dorm room and laugh together about it all. Because crowley can drop the pretenses of being a flash bastard and grow all the plants he wants here, can wear all the dresses he wants here, all while aziraphale eats the most sinfully diabetes-inducing snacks while reading Les Liaisons Dangereuses and finally learning how friggin great it feels to jack off, and feel no shame whatsoever. Because they can look at one another as much as they want now, have all the time and freedom in the world now, don't even attempt to stop the inexorable force pulling them together every second spent together. And because while they watch a bad movie on their mess of a single bed (there are two, but one night aziraphale slipped out of his and crawled next to crowley, and they never acknowledged it and never slept separately afterward), aziraphale's head nestled against crowley's chest while he plays with his hair, crowley can grab his hand, and confess that he thinks he's gay, that he thinks he's always been gay, or queer, or whatever he wants to call it. And Aziraphale can lift his head and, bless God, bless God and all of heaven for making them this way, for giving crowley to him, finally finally finally kiss his lips, and says he knows, he somehow always knew ; and he loves him, god, he always loved him.

#Aziraphale #anthony j crowley #good omens #good omens fanfiction #hello this is me dealing with my own internalized trauma

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robbiemeadow · 7 years

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Breaking the Pursue-Withdraw Pattern: An Interview with Scott R. Woolley, Ph.D.

Interviewed by Kyle Benson

The pursue-withdraw pattern is an extremely common cause of divorce. If left unresolved, it will continue into a second marriage and subsequent intimate relationships. As Dr. Gottman explains in Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, “This classical marital impasse is all too common—a wife seeking emotional connection from a withdrawn husband.”

How do couples fall into a pursue-withdraw pattern, and why are men usually the ones that withdraw? How can couples break this destructive pattern for good?

To find out, we spoke to Scott R. Woolley, Ph.D., a professor at Alliant International University in San Diego, California. He is a Founder and Director of the San Diego Center for Emotionally Focused Therapy and the Training and Research Institute for Emotionally Focused Therapy at Alliant.

Can you describe the pursue-withdraw pattern?

Distressed couples, and even not distressed couples to some degree, can get caught in a pursue-withdraw pattern. This can happen when one partner wants more closeness or connection than the other.

It can also happen when both partners want closeness and connection, but there is a perceived disconnection and one partner feels like the other person isn’t going to be there for them. They come to believe that “This conflict isn’t going to get worked out,” or “I’m not going to get my needs met,” so they shut down and pull away because it’s safer to do that, or they complain or push for more connection.

Typically, withdrawers in these scenarios have an internal model that says, “If I put myself out there, the other person will leave. I’m going to be blamed. I’m going to be criticized. We’re going to get into a big fight. I don’t want to do that because this other person is incredibly important to me. I don’t want to lose this person.”

So the withdrawer pulls away to maintain the relationship?

Yes. That’s an important thing to understand. It appears to the other person that their partner doesn’t care. After there has been conflict, misunderstanding, or a minor betrayal and the withdrawer turns away, shuts down, or walks away, it leaves their partner feeling alone and abandoned, unloved, and uncared about.

The truth is that most of the time the withdrawer does care a great deal. Withdrawers typically shut down because they don’t want to make it worse. They don’t believe that there’s any kind of way of resolving it by talking about it. They want to protect the relationship so they withdraw.

For the pursuing partner, typically after a perceived disconnection their tendency is to ramp up in some way. Rather than trying to ignore their own needs, their own desires, or their own feelings as withdrawers often do, the pursuing partner tends to want to work it out. They want to talk about it, examine their own feelings, and understand their partner’s feelings. The pursuing partner has an internal model that says talking about this is going to solve it – sharing what’s going on for them and trying to understand what’s going on for their partner is the way to safety.

If trying to talk about it doesn’t work, a pursuing partner may become blaming or critical and pushy because it’s very painful to experience withdrawal. Part of that is protest against feeling alone and abandoned, and part of it is the belief that if I push hard enough, maybe we’ll reconnect.

Can you explain why the pursuing partner does this?

Well, any connection – even a fight – is better than no connection. That’s when they’re likely to get critical. A lot of times it’s a “How dare you leave me,” kind of thing.

The way that’s typically experienced by the withdrawer is, “My partner doesn’t care about me. I’m not important. If my partner cared about me, my partner would not be critical, would not be demanding, would not be insulting me or calling me names.”

It’s certainly not a constructive way of dealing with disconnection, but most of the time the pursuing partner is critical because their partner is important. They’re pushing for connection or protesting the lack of connection.

I think it’s really important for couples to be able to understand that underneath this pursue-withdraw pattern, most of the time both people tend to see the other person as really, really important. But both people end up feeling unloved, hurt, abandoned, uncared about, and it’s very, very painful for them which is why this relationship pattern tends to chew up relationships and destroy them.

How does this cycle of conflict impact the trust and the security in the relationship?

It undermines the trust and the security in the relationship. Every human being has basic needs for connection. We call them basic attachment needs. We all long to feel loved, to be cared about, to be respected, to be valued.

Think about it, the universal torture technique in all cultures is solitary confinement or isolation. If you want to break a prisoner down, you put them into solitary confinement and when they do interact with a human, you make sure that the interaction is abusive, unpredictable, and destructive.

A lot of times for couples, particularly in highly escalated situations where they don’t have a lot of support outside the relationship, people feel very isolated. They feel very alone. The only real connection they oftentimes have is fighting, which ends up being destructive.

That’s one of the reasons why this pattern undermines people’s sense of safety, not only in the relationship but in their world in general. It can cause a lot of trauma for people in its extreme.

People can be in this pursue-withdraw pattern for years. Sometimes the withdrawer will get fed up. We call it burning out of being withdrawn. Instead of withdrawing, they’ll come out and they’ll fight. Then you’ve got fight-fight. Or you’ll have a pursuer who gets burned out and withdraws and you have withdraw-withdraw.

Sometimes couples come into therapy at that point because the withdrawer says, “Okay, something’s changed here. Maybe we really do need to go to couples therapy.” By then it can be very difficult because the pursuers are so hurt and burned out. Part of stopping this pattern is to help couples see and change the pattern before it destroys the relationship.

Are there signs to help couples identify if they have a pursue-withdraw pattern?

Well, first of all, if the couple is having problems, there is some kind of a pattern. It may not be in a classic pursue-withdraw pattern. It’s very easy to look at who’s at fault, who the bad guy is, and think about who’s “defective.”

Couples often go to either, “It’s about me.. I’m bad. I’m unlovable,” or they’ll see their partner as bad, sick, or evil. It’s really helpful to start thinking about the pattern itself because it’s the negative pattern that is the enemy – not the other person. It’s the negative pattern that they are both caught in, hurt by, and participating in – typically unwillingly and unknowingly.

One of the first things is to recognize there is a pattern. The next one is to identify your position in the pattern. When there is the threat of conflict or disconnection or a misunderstanding, what’s your tendency?

Is your tendency to lean in and try to solve the problem, or do you tend to shut down and wait until the storm blows over? That can help you identify whether you are a pursuing or withdrawing. Most people at some point will withdraw and pursue in one way or another. The label is less important than understanding the pattern and when you’re most likely to do what.

Sometimes people will pursue in one area and withdraw in the other. It’s vital to understand the pattern and start talking about how to stop it. Seek to understand the fundamental needs beneath both partner’s positions that are not getting met.

It’s really helpful for couples to map it out. In my practice, I have couples draw a cycle and write the following:

Their behaviors

Their views of themselves and their partner

Their reactive emotions

Their deeper, vulnerable, primary emotions

Their basic needs and longings

Sometimes, just being able to draw it out changes things to, “Okay, what do I really need in this situation? How could I ask my partner for those needs in a way that’s not going to be threatening, that isn’t going to trigger my partner’s wounds or raw spots?”

How can couples start having these conversations?

They can start by talking about their deeper, underlying needs. A lot of times couples will talk about money, kids, sex—whatever the conflict area is. But underneath it’s, “I need to know that you value my opinion,” or “I need to know that you value and respect me.”

Slow down and think, “Okay, what do I want here? What does my partner need? What do I need?”

Maybe my partner needs to know that his or her opinion is important to me, even if I disagree with it.

Maybe my partner needs to know that I care.

Maybe my partner needs to know that I’m not going to get critical like I have in the past.

Maybe my partner needs to know that I’m not going to go away like I have been for years. Instead, I’m going to hang in there and fight for the relationship and against the pattern.

Being able to talk about this in a soft, gentle way is very powerful. It can break the pursue-withdrawn pattern and replace it with a cycle that’s supportive, loving, and nurturing.

Recommended resources

The following books will help you break the pursue-withdraw pattern in your relationship:

Why Marriages Succeed or Fail by Dr. John Gottman

Build a deeper understanding of the conflict styles in your relationship. Learn tools to stop cycles of conflict and start connecting.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman

Learn the two kinds of conflict and how to effectively communicate what you need. This pattern is perpetuated by a lack of fondness and admiration in the relationship.

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson

Focus on the accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement in your relationship. This book explains the basics of attachment theory and lays out very specific conversations that couples can have that help them identify their pattern, learn about the emotional raw spots that help drive the pattern, learn how to revist rocky moments, learn how to reach for each other and connect in non-threatening ways, and forgive injuries in ways that will lead to fundamental changes in the relationship.

If want to build a deeply meaningful relationship full of trust and intimacy, then subscribe below to receive our blog posts directly to your inbox:

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robbiemeadow · 7 years

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Breaking the Pursue-Withdraw Pattern: An Interview with Scott R. Woolley, Ph.D.

Interviewed by Kyle Benson

How do couples fall into a pursue-withdraw pattern, and why are men usually the ones that withdraw? How can couples break this destructive pattern for good?

Can you describe the pursue-withdraw pattern?

Distressed couples, and even not distressed couples to some degree, can get caught in a pursue-withdraw pattern. This can happen when one partner wants more closeness or connection than the other.

So the withdrawer pulls away to maintain the relationship?

Can you explain why the pursuing partner does this?

Well, any connection – even a fight – is better than no connection. That’s when they’re likely to get critical. A lot of times it’s a “How dare you leave me,” kind of thing.

How does this cycle of conflict impact the trust and the security in the relationship?

That’s one of the reasons why this pattern undermines people’s sense of safety, not only in the relationship but in their world in general. It can cause a lot of trauma for people in its extreme.

Are there signs to help couples identify if they have a pursue-withdraw pattern?

It’s really helpful for couples to map it out. In my practice, I have couples draw a cycle and write the following:

Their behaviors

Their views of themselves and their partner

Their reactive emotions

Their deeper, vulnerable, primary emotions

Their basic needs and longings

How can couples start having these conversations?

Slow down and think, “Okay, what do I want here? What does my partner need? What do I need?”

Maybe my partner needs to know that his or her opinion is important to me, even if I disagree with it.

Maybe my partner needs to know that I care.

Maybe my partner needs to know that I’m not going to get critical like I have in the past.

Maybe my partner needs to know that I’m not going to go away like I have been for years. Instead, I’m going to hang in there and fight for the relationship and against the pattern.

Being able to talk about this in a soft, gentle way is very powerful. It can break the pursue-withdrawn pattern and replace it with a cycle that’s supportive, loving, and nurturing.

Recommended resources

The following books will help you break the pursue-withdraw pattern in your relationship:

Why Marriages Succeed or Fail by Dr. John Gottman

Build a deeper understanding of the conflict styles in your relationship. Learn tools to stop cycles of conflict and start connecting.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman

Learn the two kinds of conflict and how to effectively communicate what you need. This pattern is perpetuated by a lack of fondness and admiration in the relationship.

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson

If want to build a deeply meaningful relationship full of trust and intimacy, then subscribe below to receive our blog posts directly to your inbox:

Email*

Comments

This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.

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