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flip-flopping-frede · 1 year

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My attempt at Lithromantic Positivity

I want to preface this by saying I am ~in general~ not a fan of positivity. Trying to “force positivity” is quickly a slippery slope to toxic positivity and superficially. Nonetheless, I feel like I could have realized some lithromantic positivity, and thought it was necessary to share rather than keep it to myself.

It is ok that there’s nothing good about being lithro. It is ok if there are no benefits that we can exploit from ourselves and take advantage of ourselves (or our relationships) with. Lithromantics not necessarily having *any* positives to being lithro (besides our dope flag) means that those of us that have accepted ourselves, are some of the most compassionate, kind, strong, and resilient souls. The amount of self-compassion one has to develop before they can radically accept themselves as lithromantic, is so much higher than essentially any other queer identity.

In a world that has yet to be educated on aromanticsm, aromantics and cupioromantics are scared to date alloromantics, due to alloromantics behaving like it is a “dealbreaker” or “end of the world” if their [romantic] partner is not “in love” [essentially experiencing romo attrac] towards them. It’s valid for both aros and cupioros to be scared to date alloros because of this arophobic mindset they have, tho.

Anyways, a lithromantic might “seem” more appealing to an uneducated alloromantic, since we do experience the romo attrac, or what alloros mistake for “love”. At the same time, once an alloro experiences and returns that romo attrac towards the lithro, the lithro’s romo attrac fades. Not necessarily fades, but flees and turns into romance repulsion (for most lithros). Uneducated, insecure, and/or unaccepting alloros might feel very hurt for the lithros sudden change. Simultaneously, the lithro may also be hurting for not being able to “keep” or “hold on” to the romo attrac. It feels like, being lithro leaves everyone worse off (and is potentially traumatizing for the lithro). This is why lithros who have accepted themselves have learned how to be compassionate and kind to themselves to an extent that most other queer identities never have to go to before they can accept their queer identity, due to there being more external support, education, and acceptance for their queer identities (including for aros).

It is so easy for lithromantics, especially lithros that have chosen to remain closeted, to drown in a sea of their own self-hatred and shame of being an arospec identity that leaves the alloromantics that reciprocated the romo attrac angry and confused. In a world where alloromantics have all the privilege and amatonormativity is everywhere, lithros are so strong, brave, and resilient for existing as our lithromantic identity in a world that refuses to see us, acknowledge us, validate us, support us, accept us, or understand us.

This is where the lithromantic positivity comes in: lithromantics can relate to everyone. Lithromantics know what it feels like to experience romantic attraction; and we know what it feels like to have a romantic relationship look you dead in the face and not want it. We are also romance ambivalent! We understand what it means to have more than one attitude towards romance. We can understand both apothiros and cupioros. We can relate to another largely unknown arospec identity—frayromantism, since frayros also experience involuntary, primary romantic attraction, just like lithros do. We can even relate to alloros in terms of experiencing romantic attraction involuntarily and getting crushes. And finally, we can relate to aros with struggling to desire romantic relationships in the same way an alloromantic does.

There are so many other identities lithromantic is similar to, like aegoromantic, bellusromantic, and frayromantic. Lithros belong in arospec spaces, and lithros’ voices are so valuable to the arospec community. Lithros are essential in terms of helping to bridge the distance and alienation that is only growing between aromantics and alloromantics.

At the same time, lithros need support. Unfortunately, a lot of lithos hate their identity, and feel no pride for it. We don’t feel seen or validated, and a lot of us feel a lot of shame for being lithromantic. I personally didn’t really see any actual lithros celebrating their lithromanticsm during this year’s arospec awareness week, which is sad. We need the arospec community to affirm that are voices are valuable and that our experiences are valid, especially as we are struggling to accept ourselves.

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unionize-aromantically · 2 years

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Intro post

sideblogs: @curious-etc and @music-fan (++ longer Tumblr post)

find me: @/ink@/turtle.garden on mastodon or @/caffinatedaro:matrix.org on matrix. (more info here) and aro-with-music on cohost.org.

[last updated: April 20 2024]

Hi, I'm Ink. [external link] My pronouns are: he/him or lee/lem/lis/lemself. I'm a guy. I'm a romance averse/repulsed aromantic and sex indifferent/favorable asexual, non-amorous/non-partnering and loveless.

asks and DMs are very welcome! Anons are on. specify if you want an ask answered privately.

DNI:

people who are (still) harry potter (or wizarding world) fans (because you are actively commiting harm)

uncurious people

Do interact: nonpartnering/nonamorous folks, romance repulsed folks, aromantics (aroallos, aroaces, non-sam aros, frayros, etc), those who cherish libraries, people with xenogenders/xenogender folks, people who listen to music 24/7, CSH fans, people who care about accessibility, people who don't fit in these categories but are positive to those who do

About my image descriptions: You're highly encouraged to copy the text if I describe your image, if you want to reformulate it or any other reason.

Trans unity! Trans women, trans men, nonbinary people and any other trans and adjacent people are incredibly important. Do complain to me if I ever say or reblog something you think harms any of these groups.

Under the cut: avatar and header description. plus tags & interests & byf. AKA get to know the blogger.

descriptions

Avatar: The sunset aroace flag with an aro-colored headset, an ace of spade card (aroace symbol) and a flag that says I stand with Palestine. end description

Header: parts of lyrics, some artists include Lemon Demon, car seat headrest and Los Campesinos, and the topics are freedom and music and some more. one of them goes "no more songs about sex drugs and rock and roll, it's boring", which is from an art brut song. [outdated]

Music

This used to be a music blog. Mostly moved to @music-fan . I talked a lot about music, especially car seat headrest, Norwegian music, Sami music (I'm not Sami I just like their music) and political punk music. I listen to a lot of midwest emo music as well, but I haven't posted much about it I don't think. Find it at #musicblogging

(credit: burntoutuserboxes)

Referring to me

Pronouns

he/him, lee/lem/lis/lems/lemself, xe/xem/xyr/xyrs/xemself, xy/xyr/xyrs/xyrs/xyrself, ink/ink/inks/inks/inkself.

You can switch it up, or just use lee/lem, xe/xem or he/him.

I have more sets on my Notion (note: some details are outdated)

If you ever see any sets that make you think of me, feel free to tag/DM me.

Honorifics

Ind. (individual) and Mr.

terms

take note that I do not tolerate being referred to by feminine terms, even with "gender neutral" behind them.

in addition be careful with terms of endearment, I am not a fan of most that are often used in romantic or familial or christian contexts (don't hit me up with a "sweetheart" or something). Platonic terms are fine and great (e.g. friend, comrade, homie, friendo)

another term I am happy to be referred to with:

Kith. Derived from Old English kith, kinsmen, relations; Proto-Indo-European to know; knowledge, acquaintance. Some have suggested kythman/kithman or kythan/kithan. nonbinary term (from genderkoolaid)

formal terms: fidant, gentleman

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Common/useful tags:

aroblogging - aro stuff/funnies

relatedly aroaceblogging, aceblogging, ablogging (aro/ace mostly, not all aro/ace stuff) and queerblogging (mostly non aspec stuff for simplicity) and queer history (with some more specific "[type of queerness] history" tags.

platonic posting

old posts: 1000symmetry.txt / (reblogged | not reblogged)

ink.post | ink.self | ink.blog | ink.opinon | ink.journalism

just thoughts | just complaints | just hobbies

funnies | original funnies | outlier funnies | [x] funnies

rights & politics | highlights from politics

musicblogging | music | lyrics | me abt music | ink talks about emo

self care | mental health | living as mentally ill | affirmation | recovery

advice & attitudes | life hacks | how to | how to live

informative | useful | knowledge | resources

Ink translates

On [topic] (e.g. tagging, art, dnis)

practicality/tw/cw:

I tag (as written):

undescribed | described / id in alt / described by me / my image description

txt | gif | video

negative

death - I tag anything that uses that word or synonyms with this.

murder - I tag anything that uses that word or synonyms with this

cw romance

not for the bus ( stuff I wouldn't want people to see without context sitting on the bus, mild nsfw, not necessarily sexual, doesn't include sexual jokes or text, if you want that filtered send an ask, but there's not much of that here)

sex related (for jokes about theoretical sex usually, also (mild) kink jokes)

artistic nudity

Tw [trigger]

Cw [content]

[trigger] mention

[discrimination type] mention - for someone is fighting against that discrimination generically (e.g. [x group] don't always [stereotype])

I can tag anything else just ask :)

Interactions and interests

asks & DMs are open

ask/tell me about my identity, your identity, music I'm playing/making, music, what I'm up to, what you're up to, books I might've read, queer comics/series/books you or I have read. Tell me a stupid joke, ask me about the weather.

Oh and ask me about languge if you want! I speak norwegian natively, and am very willing to teach random internet strangers/mutals some, like random words/phrases, interesting (to me) fun facts, literally the entire language (not realistic, but I would try) - do follow @bokmaal-norsk if you want to learn. Just shoot me a DM or ask or whatever. I also have learned some french at school, but I'm nowhere near fluent, I've been learning it for like 5 years.

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Before you follow / stances

I'm not often involved in very hot take discourse, nor much discourse in general, but you can just ask (by ask or DM) if there's anything, or if you disagree with anything i post/reblog. Well thought out arguments are appreciated /genuine.

I'm sure I don't have to say, but I support queer rights. I am strongly against terfs & other radfems. I obviously support xenogender people. but I don't identify with any movement I'm aware of.

I guess I should say I have the somehow controversial opinion that trans men need liberation not just trans women (but don't disinterpret this, I cherish trans women and nonbinary people highly as well).

Queerness is about breaking away from gender norms/laws. It's about not performing gender like society says based on your (m/f, conforming) sex. About not fitting into the two boxes of cis perisex boy who likes girls and only girls romantically and sexually or cis perisex girl who likes boys and only boys romantically and sexually.

I'm very sex and kink positive. In case it needs to be said sex and kink requires enthusiastic (informed) consent and communication. no one is obligated to have sex, ever.

I, as many others hate jkr and HP for a diverse set of reasons (transphobia & anti-semitism especially). You can follow if you stopped being a fan. also DNI if you have HP url or similar or monetarily support the wizarding world and other stuff that support jkr.

....

general discourse/politics

I hate ideologies not people, generally speaking.

I especially hate/post about: aphobia/amisia, transphobia/misia, homophobia/misia, queerphobia/queermisia, queer infighting, anti-intellectualism, anti-semitism, fascism, racism, colonialism, just oppression and bigotry in general

don't talk to me about/be careful about: religion, "what a human is", "what our purpose is". especially if you have a black and white view of these issues. Especially if you don't say that "[you] think [x]", you say that "[x]".

I care about: libraries, freedom of press & speech (which excludes hate speech), science, sources, queerness, the arts, research, knowledge, accessibility, health (mental, physical, and everywhere in-between), bodily autonomy, welfare (working against poverty & for healthcare & education), worker's unions, culture (especially languages), access to education, religious freedom

I believe in restorative justice

as mentioned before you're free to ask about stuff and debate with me.

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Big posts

[links updated to url: unionize-aromantically]

(posts not updated in a while, the boop posts should be here)

Longest: queer history in Norway

Longest reblog chain: Norwegian pronouns

most popular post: 1: (20.3 k) Why do you boop? 2: (18.6 k) It's just Tuesday?? 3: (10k) Booping is inaccessible

reblog game (you can still reblog): top artists

poll with the most votes (47.5 k) Why do you boop? 2nd place: (3 k) do you like the summer?

queer organizations in Norway (if you know of more please share)

Other

sideblogs: @music-fan (music posts) + @curious-etc (misc, fandom, interesting facts & stories, linguistics, hobbies) @et-afilt-individ (blog in Norwegian) + @bokmaal-norsk (me teaching you Norwegian blog) @mvr-ink-the-aro (aromantic blog, most is also here) + @bad-design-poorly-put-together (pain vents & painkiller talk) + ask

(not mine): media with aspec rep: spreadsheet (via aspeccharactersoftheday). note that characters may have small roles and the document doesn't specify.

You can also join my discord server, (link here, updated 20 April 2024)

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aro-ace-trashcan · 4 years

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I love frayromantics so much! They’re really very extremely cool! My qpp is frayro and she’s amazing!

#frayromantic #frayro #fray #a spec #aro spectrum #aro spec #frayro positivity #LGBTQIA

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aro-ace-artemis · 4 years

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Acespec and Arospec pride snails and slugs ! Inspired by an ask I saw @aspecpplarebeautiful get !

[Image ID: two images on a transparent background. The first has five sea slugs, all curved around each other and floating, in the colors of the frayromantic, lithromantic, quoiromantic, aroflux, and aromantic pride flag colors. The second has five snails, all floating around each other, in the gray-ace, aceflux, aroace, reciprosexual, and asexual pride flag colors. On both images, the characters have a thin white border around them. End ID]

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str4w-bunni · 4 years

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All arospecs are awesome and they're awesome people. And they're definitely not broken. If you think they're broken, and that they're not LGBTQ+ and don't belong in the community, I will gently ask you to

Go Fuck Yourself

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aroworlds · 4 years

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The Vampire Conundrum, Part One

When Rowan Ross is pressured into placing an aromantic pride mug on his desk, he doesn't know how to react when his co-workers don't notice it. Don't they realise he spent a weekend rehearsing answers for questions unasked? Then again, if nobody knows what aromanticism is, can't he display a growing collection of pride merch without a repeat of his coming out as trans? Be visible with impunity through their ignorance?

He can endure their thinking him a fan of archery, comic-book superheroes and glittery vampire movies. It's not like anyone in the office is an archer. (Are they?) But when a patch on his bag results in a massive misconception, correcting it means doing the one thing he most fears: making a scene.

After all, his name isn't Aro.

Contains: One trans, bisexual frayromantic alongside an office of well-meaning cis co-workers who think they're being supportive and inclusive.

Content Advisory: This story hinges on the way most cishet alloromantic people know nothing about aromanticism and the ways many trans-accepting cis people fail to best communicate their acceptance. In other words, expect a series of queer, trans and aro microaggressions. There are no depictions or mentions of sexual attraction beyond the words "allosexual" and "bisexual", but there are non-detailed references to Rowan's previous experiences with romance.

Length: 2, 951 words (part one of two).

Note: Posted for @aggressivelyarospec‘s AggressivelyArospectacular 2019.

What is pride merch for if not petty passive-aggression in response to allo folks’ amatonormativity?

Beset by dizzying anxiety, Rowan places a green mug, printed on one side with a five-striped flag, on his desk. Done. He exhales and takes another furtive glance around the poky ten-desk office, but only Shelby sits close and she’s too busy peering at her computer to notice him. There: mug at work! Right where people can see! He grabs his phone, snaps a quick photo to send as proof to Matt and then, before anyone can ask about the mug or Rowan’s behaviour, moves it beside his pen caddy, the handle angled to hide the stripes.

Why does he have to be this scared? Everyone knows he’s trans. Hormones aren’t yet magical enough to give Rowan cis-unquestioned masculinity; coming out felt less damaging than constant misgendering. At the same time, being trans is why he feels like to pass out from nervousness. The initial slew of queries, concerns and clarifications, followed by daily episodes of cissexism, isn’t something anyone should care to repeat!

Trans identity, after the passing of marriage equality, at least possesses the dubious state of being the new conservative-favourite punching bag. Before he sent Damien his “I accept the position, by the way I’m trans” email, few people here would have been ignorant of Rowan’s theoretical existence.

Aromanticism, by contrast, requires more than revelation: it requires conceptualisation.

He thought he was prepared, last time.

Rowan Ross, master of whiteboards and planners, came for his first day armed with a list of resources and print-outs of an article he wrote for his university’s student magazine. He’d written out answers to likely questions and rehearsed them at his mirror. He wasn’t going to have another panic attack when faced with questions he couldn’t answer. He was going to be fine.

Instead, he learnt again that one can’t prepare for all the shapes of cis ignorance.

Hesitating to mention his aromanticism because being out as trans already ramps up the difficulty of his working life shouldn’t be cowardly. Why can’t Matt see that?

He stares at the mug, dizzy. Damien may not notice the striped flag, but Shelby uses anything as an opportunity to provide unneeded reassurances. Melanie has enough enthusiastic, unrestrained curiosity for ten people!

I read that trans men bind their chests. Is it comfortable? Do you do it every day? Are you allowed to wear a bra when you don’t?

Rowan shudders. No. He’s survived her interrogations; can’t he survive this, too? He practiced a short explanatory speech, made an email-ready digital PDF booklet and packed printed versions inside his satchel. He rehearsed his responses to as many provocative and prying questions as possible, including the line I’d rather not answer that. Maybe it won’t be as bad, this time! Maybe they won’t notice immediately, giving him more time to prepare and anticipate. Melanie doesn’t come back until next month; perhaps this mug, so bright and green, will pass unremarked until then.

Does the want to return it to his bag make Matt right?

Rowan touches the handle for luck and wonders if this will go better should someone not Melanie ask first.

***

“Good morning, everyone!” Melanie breezes through the office in an aura of floral-with-vanilla perfume, making a beeline for Rowan’s desk. She’s small, curvy and grandmotherly-but-modern in appearance: coloured slacks and loose floral-print blouses worn with dangling gold pendants and stacks of bangles over freckle-dusted forearms. Aside from her pixie-cut grey hair, she looks to him like a walking Millers advertisement. “Rowan, can you tell me how to put the new logo in my email again? Please? I know you told me last time.”

Rowan doesn’t understand why people who send emails on a daily basis don’t take the time to learn these things, but he’s worked here long enough to accept this lack as a fundamental truth of the universe. He turns to face her, his flag mug held in his right hand. “Do you want the instruction PDF I wrote, or do you want me to just do it for you?”

A few months ago, caught up in a fit of hopefulness inspired by a new SSRI and the less-inspiring reality of being the youngest person in the office, he spent his spare time typing up Rowan Ross’s Ultimate Guide to Basic Office Computing—a guide languishing unread by anyone not Rowan.

“Just fix it for me now.” Melanie beams at him, paying his mug no attention. “Thanks, Rowan!”

What will it take for someone to notice? Pouring his coffee on their shoes? He swallows the dregs, stands and follows Melanie to her computer before setting his mug on her desk, flag facing outwards, to take up her mouse and open her email settings.

To think he worried about someone’s asking questions! Rowan didn’t consider the problem of a lack of interest, but he’s spent the last five weeks drinking from a flag mug without as much as a passing glance.

“You’re a doll, Rowan!” Melanie hesitates; Rowan holds back a sigh. Here it comes. “Wait. Is that offensive, even though there’s male dolls, like Ken? And gay men collect dolls, don’t they? But gay men like feminine things and you don’t when you’re trans-gender, do you? You’re a darling? I know! You’re a treasure.” Melanie grins, as though she didn’t make an easily-overlooked statement into a thing shaded with too many queer microaggressions for one bi trans man to untangle, and grasps his mug. “I’ll get you some more coffee! One sugar, a dash of milk! Thank you so much!”

Her pink-painted nails and beige hands cover the flag, only a small section of black and grey visible at the edge of her pinky finger.

Maybe she’ll notice when she fills the mug.

Maybe she’ll notice when she brings it back to him.

Maybe pigs will fly and she’ll stop placing that too-long pause between “trans” and “gender”, too.

This way, there’s no need to endure alloromantic absurdity or criticism. No suffering the pain of being unable to explain or correct, given how often cis people dismiss even small gender-related requests. He did what Matt demanded; he left the mug on his desk. How is it Rowan’s fault that nobody’s knowledgeable enough to express curiosity? That he forgot to factor in the remarkable cishet tendency to avoid anything suggestive of unknown queerness?

Going ignored, somehow, doesn’t feel like a victory.

***

When Rowan sees a mug online featuring a shield in aromantic colours behind a design of crossed arrows in pride colours for other aromantic-spectrum identities, he snatches one with frayromantic blues. He also buys an unneeded but matching pencil case followed by a journal covered with rows of arrows coloured in aro stripes.

If he needn’t fear curiosity or question, why not pride up his desk? At least he can gulp coffee from a frayro mug emblazoned with an aro shield every time Shelby asks him if he’s found a partner yet.

What is pride merch for if not petty passive-aggression in response to allo folks’ amatonormativity?

A fortnight later, he arranges his mugs on his desk, stashes his decorative paper clip collection in the pencil case and ponders, just for a moment, if anyone’s made a pride-themed whiteboard.

“Rowan!” Damien appears out of nowhere and claps his hand on Rowan’s shoulder. He’s a raw-boned giant of a man with an improbable ability for stealth; Rowan, cursed with a body that reacts to unknown stimuli as though lethal rather than first checking, still can’t keep himself from jumping out of his chair on Damien’s approach. “I’ve got this photo from last night I want for Facebook. Can you crop out an arm from the side for me? I just sent it to you.”

“Sure,” Rowan murmurs, once his heart stops threatening to burst from terror. “I’ll do it right now.”

“Thanks. I’ll get you a coffee.” Damien snatches up the new mug, tiny in his oversized hands. Rowan doesn’t care to imagine how much of Damien’s pay goes to custom tailoring, but his pinstripe suits are the living dapper embodiment of every How to Dress Like a Professional Man guide Rowan has read and failed to implement. “Huh. I didn’t know you were into archery. One sugar, little bit of milk?”

“Yeah. I … uh...” Rowan blinks, struggling to find an answer, but Damien heads for the hallway and the kitchenette they share with the rest of the floor. Archery? Surely none of the arrow designs are realistic enough for any archery enthusiast to regard them as an expression of interest for the sport? Not to mention the stripes?

How do cishets cultivate their air of continued obliviousness? They’ve all seen Rowan’s trans pride phone case and bi pride pin; nobody won’t have seen the rainbow flag in the news. Shouldn’t one of them catch on to the concept of pride flags?

Why complain when their ignorance is easier than their questions?

He shakes his head, opens his emails and finds the photo from yesterday’s event, complete with a stray arm on one side and a half an empty chair on the other. He crops out the arm and the chair before adjusting the contrast and colours, until the photo appears as though only maybe taken on a cheap phone, indoors, by a man with his back to the window.

“Hey, did you know that Rowan’s really into archery?”

Rowan looks up. Damien stands by the door, showing Melanie Rowan’s newest mug.

He should say something before he gets archery gear in the office Secret Santa. He should say something even though they’re on the other side of the room and a lifetime of good manners, parental expectation and disabling anxiety says one doesn’t intrude on someone else’s conversation. What if someone in the office secretly likes archery and asks him questions? But corrections mean doing the one thing Rowan hopes he can continue to avoid, so...

He slides his hands under his legs and inhales slowly in a vain attempt to head off the giddy anxiousness. Does this mistake desperately need fixing? Can’t he wait to see what happens first?

“Archery? How does anyone get into archery?” Melanie shakes her head. “You don’t do it in school. Is it a country thing? Or a rich kid thing?”

“I did. Year nine, I think? And my school wasn’t that fancy. I think kids do more of that stuff, now, than real sport.” Damien shrugs and heads towards Rowan’s computer, setting his mug down on the desk. “You fixed the lighting! I don’t suppose you can make my face less red? It isn’t that red in real life.”

It is, but that’s easier to fix than the burgeoning fear that this archery misconception won’t be a one-off incident.

***

Another awful conversation with his housemates pushes Rowan into getting out his sewing box, despite a Melanie-induced fear that showing himself to be good at a traditionally-female art will result in another expression of cis nonsense. Too many friends still ask why he buys plain T-shirts from the women’s section (better fit) or has lavender-scented shower gel on his shelf in the bathroom (he likes it). He’s a man to the not-completely-cissexist people in his life if he meets a boring, insecure definition of manhood. “Oh, great God of Trans Men,” he mutters, “please pardon me for the crime of unmasculinity, because everyone knows you don’t allow true men to embroider.”

How is cross-stitch not just analogue pixel art, anyway?

He flips off whomever it is Melanie thinks “allows” him to defy gender norms before sketching a pattern, struggling with the shape of the R. His embroidery floss stash doesn’t allow him to perfectly colour-match the greens, but after the best part of a weekend Rowan produces a patch reading “ARO” in aromantic stripes against a background of allo-aro yellow and gold. He needs another hour to stitch it to his satchel beside a cluster of badges (trans pride, pronouns, bisexual flag), but the finish is worth the late night and sore fingertips.

Surely this will tell people that those five stripes mean something more than a liking for archery or the colour green?

He fists his hands, lips trembling. What call does an allo cis gay like Matt have to mock the idea of coming out as aromantic when Rowan, who lost his home, his family and his dog to the mistakes he made in coming out, knows exactly what those words mean? Why did Matt have to say that “someone like Rowan” only put a lousy mug on his desk because he knew nobody will ask? Yes, he owns a collection of anxiety disorder diagnoses, illnesses fairly earnt, a disability unchosen. That doesn’t make him cowardly!

Matt doesn’t emerge from his bedroom before Rowan dashes to catch the train, so he lacks even the questionable satisfaction of seeing his housemate note the large patch on his bag. He’s just left with a mood bouncing between frustration, anger and the quieter, sickening fear that making the patch didn’t challenge Matt’s opinion as much as validate it. Should Rowan have done that? What else can he do?

Why does Matt have to be so damn allo?

By the time he arrives at the office, Rowan focuses just enough to concentrate on the distraction waiting for him in the kitchenette. The walls need painting and the air conditioning smells like mice, but sharing the floor with four other sub-governmental community projects meant everyone pitched in for a decent coffee machine without too many hassles. Damien needs to stop taking terrible work-related selfies, but he does enforce a cleaning rota so Rowan can enjoy avoiding the horrors of instant coffee.

“Aro?”

Groggy annoyance fades into a heart-pounding, palm-sweating, vibrant wakefulness. Rowan wheels to face Melanie; she peers at the satchel hanging off his hip. Matt’s wrong about Rowan. This will prove it!

“Uh, yeah,” he says, fighting to sound casual. “I’m aro.”

There. He said it!

“Oh, like the movie vampire?”

The movie vampire? What vampire? There’s no obviously-aromantic vampire in a well-known movie; someone online would have said so! “I’m sorry?”

“The Twilight movies! You know the ones the teenage girls liked, with the family of glittery, vegetarian vampires and the human girl? And it was supposed to be romantic somehow? My daughter had posters and a quilt cover and T-shirts and Barbie dolls.” Melanie pulls a face, her lips twisting. “But she loved them, and there’s a vampire called Aro.”

Belatedly, he remembers a joke that posts about a minor character used to turn up in aro hashtags. “I suppose? But it isn’t a name when—”

“Damien! Rowan’s called Aro now! Should we hold a meeting telling everyone? Or just send an email around?” Melanie looks out into the hallway dividing the floor into its suites of offices: Damien stands outside their door, his battered phone held to his ear. “I didn’t know trans people were allowed to change names twice! Although I don’t suppose there’s a limit, is there? If I married someone five times, I could change my last name five times, couldn’t I? Is it really that different?”

“It,” Rowan says into the barest break in sentences, “isn’t—”

“Damien! Stop gasbagging about golf or whatever … I swear, that man never listens when you want him. Always on the phone! Damien.” She bustles out into the hallway with the determined stride of a woman on a mission. “Rowan’s Aro now!”

Panic spurs him into running after her. “Melanie!”

“Aro!” Shelby grabs his forearm as Rowan skids into the hallway, her brow furrowed in concern. If Melanie seems like the plump, huggable sort of grandmother, Shelby looks like the muscular, marathon-running grandmother who hits the beach every morning. Salt-coarsened long hair in a single braid, a fashionable black blazer worn over a T-shirt, hiking boots. “Is that European? Don’t worry, we’ll all do our best to remember, and you’re allowed to growl when we don’t. We said there’d be no problem, and we meant it. You’re allowed to growl at us when we make mistakes, okay? Okay, Aro? Promise me that you will correct us!”

The self-appointed protector figure of the office, she was kind during Rowan’s first week. Kind in a way that draws unnecessary attention, given her inability to correct someone else’s misuse of pronouns without crafting a production of hushed voices and pointed nudges—followed by scathing lectures that never happen far enough outside his earshot.

Why are the only options complete stealth or queerness front and centre in a way that never lets him be just a different shape of normal? Where exists a blessed middle ground?

Melanie reaches Damien and stares up at him, waving one hand and tapping the opposite foot, until Damien lowers his phone.

“Uh … thank you, but my name isn’t—”

“You absolutely must correct us.” Shelby squeezes Rowan’s forearm in a firm grip. “We’re not used to all this, but that doesn’t mean we won’t try. Aro. Do you people usually choose unusual names like that? You know, you trans people? Promise me that you’ll correct us. You need to know that we don’t mind in the least, truly we don’t!”

“I’m not—”

“Anyway, how was your weekend? You didn’t stay at home, did you? It worries me that you haven’t found a girl yet. Or a boy!” Shelby clasps his hand between hers, looking into his eyes as though hoping to impress upon him the depth of her sincerity. “You do know, Aro, that any girl—or boy!—will be lucky to date a sweet boy like you, don’t you?”

What does it mean, Rowan wonders in irony-fuelled despair, that returning to Births, Deaths and Marriages now feels like the easiest option?

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