#has everything always been out of your control so you accept that your soulmate is too? | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tsimvkas · 2 months

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you deserve better — mason mount

A/N: hiii 👋🏻 so this one is specially to my love @raremasey, thank you for trusting me with your brilliant idea and for being soooo patient with me and my slow ass, im not sure if the angst is angsting but i hope you like it 💞

word count: 8.3k | masterlist

content: depressed!mase, mental health issues, miscommunication, angst & fluffy end

“You’re breaking up with me?” you asked, confused.

You had just returned from the grocery shop when Mason told you he wanted to talk. You were surprised he was awake, lately your boyfriend was often so tired he would come back from training and sleep until he had to leave again, so you should’ve assumed that what was coming wasn’t good.

“It’s not like this” he muttered. “I just want us to take a break”

You laughed sarcastically, not knowing how to deal with what you were feeling.

“A break? Wow. What the fuck do you mean, Mason?”

“This is for the best, Y/N” Mason sighed, looking tired. “I want the best for you”

“For the best? Oh my God, I just moved in with you. I left everything behind. I have no friends here, I have no job. I followed you because Manchester was what you needed, and you’re asking me for a break?” you laughed again, trying to hold the tears.

After two years dating Mason, seeing the man you love in the verge of tears asking you for a break was the last thing you expected to see when you just moved together.

“You don’t get it” he rested his face on his hands, breathing deeply. He knows you wouldn't understand — you’re not inside his messy mind. But he wished you could at least believe he would always do what’s best for you, and right now he’s not. Right now, he’s the worst person you could have by your side.

“You’re right, I don’t. I don’t get why the man I love is standing in front of me telling me he doesn’t want me anymore” you felt a single hot tear spilling down your face and cleaned it aggressively. “That I’m not the woman he loves anymore”

“It’s not like that, Y/N! Please… of course I still want you, and that’s why I’m doing this. I’m sorry that I don’t know how to explain”

You frowned, not believing that he was telling you he loves you while breaking up with you. You felt pathetic.

“There’s no need. I’ll just need a few days so I can get my things” you kept holding your tears, trying to show you had everything handled.

Mason’s face dropped, and even though you didn’t notice, his hands were shaking.

“You don’t- you can stay here. I wouldn’t ask you to leave, you moved with me. This house is yours too” he tried to change your mind and you laughed sarcastically at his words.

“This house is anything but mine”

“You don’t need to spend money moving somewhere else, please, stay”

“What the hell, Mason? Do you want me to move to the guest room? Want me to be your distant cousin when you start bringing girls here?” you exploded, screaming and pointing him a finger.

“I would never” he shook his head. “I would never bring anyone here”

“Right, so you want me to stay here to hear when you come back drunk after you fucked them somewhere else”

“Y/N, this is not-”

“I’ll accept your offer whilst I see how I’ll move back to London” you interrupted him, wanting to get out of his view quickly. “Goodnight, Mason”

—

You didn’t give him the satisfaction of seeing you crying, so as soon as you grabbed most of your stuff in his bedroom you locked yourself in the guest room and finally let your emotions take control.

What the hell has just happened?

Why did the guy you felt was your soulmate just broke up with you after two years of promising you the world?

It felt like Mason had just realised what you’ve been fearing since you’ve met: you’re not enough for him. His lifestyle doesn’t match yours, the amount of money he has, the places he needs to be.

You’re just a girl from Portsmouth, whilst Mason it’s Portsmouth’s star.

Before you could notice, you were crying loudly, strong sobs cutting your breath.

Mason knocked on the door, trying to open before realising it was locked.

“Y/N- can we talk? Please, baby”

“Don’t call me baby” you screamed at the closed door, hugging your pillow tighter. “I can’t even ask you to go away because we’re in your fucking house, the least you can do is leave me alone”

Mason felt his heart aching. In his head, the spiral of thoughts made so much more sense, but from the moment he said them out loud he knew he fucked up.

But he also knows he couldn’t take it back. You deserve more than he’s capable of offering to you right now, and he knows he can’t keep dragging you down with him.

Giving you the space you needed, he walked to his room — yous room, and tried to sleep in his cold and empty bed, but the way you were crying kept stabbing his heart.

And even though he was aware that was his fault, the need to hold you and comfort you kept him awake.

—

When you woke up, Mason had already left for training, and you thanked the universe for that.

You walked to the kitchen, looking for ice to help you with your puffy eyes, and something light to eat. You were still feeling nauseous and too sad to eat a proper meal, so you grabbed a few grapes and a tiny bottle of juice.

After eating, you tried to go to Mason’s room to pick up any stuff you might have left there the night before, but the vision of his door made you feel like throwing up. How the fuck you were supposed to face this whilst living in the same house as him?

Why the fuck he would ask you that?

You realised that questioning the whole thing and trying to find answers in an empty house wouldn’t help you move out quicker, so you went back to the guest room and took a shower, trying to start a fresh new day.

With your fresh set of pyjamas and your laptop, you went downstairs to grab a bottle of your favourite cold tea and sat on the couch and started looking for ways to reorganise your life.

You looked for a few jobs, so you could move as soon as possible, and also took the time to search for a few universities. When you met Mason you had just finished high school and were enjoying life a bit before going for college since your job was nice and it gave you the chance to do a lot of things.

But then, he told you about moving, and none of you wanted to be far apart so you left everything behind and followed you.

Mason never made you feel bad about moving with him without having money to help. In fact, he’d always been supportive, encouraging you to stop looking for a job and getting in college instead.

Even now, he’s not even asking for you to leave his house, always acting like what is his, it’s yours too.

But if you never felt good living on his money, then now you feel even worse.

You want a new job, and you want to go to college. And you’ll do both.

—

It was a tough week.

You ignored Mason, Mason tried to give you privacy, you got mad at Mason for giving you privacy because it was like he was trapped in his own house and Mason had no idea how to fix what he just broke.

Between all of it, you were still looking for a job and applying to your favourite universities, cleaning the house when you could and cooking Mason’s meals.

Seeing that you were still making him breakfast and dinner every day made him feel even worse. Every time he was back from training, he entered his room wanting to cuddle and to let you comfort him, but then he was taken aback with the realisation of what he did.

To be fair, you know Mason tried to talk to you a few times, and even slept by your door one night since you wouldn’t unlock it when he was home.

But you were hurt. Really hurt. You know he’s been facing a hard time, but the fact he wanted a break from you made you insecure. It broke the blind trust you had in him.

It didn’t help that in the same week the tabloids instantly started talking about Mason and a mysterious girl, questioning if he was single or if he was cheating, and the fans started coming to your profiles, asking you about him.

It was such a coincidence the news talking about it in the same week he dumped you, that it was obvious for you that he was probably seen with someone else. With another girl.

So you drowned in study, only leaving your room to cook and to run outside for a few minutes, trying to focus on yourself and remain healthy even though your heart was falling apart.

During the day it was easier since you were alone at home. The nights were the worst.

Knowing he was there, but not with you. Not being able to talk with your favourite person, to hear about his day. Not being able to cuddle to sleep, to hold his face in your hands.

And knowing that he was the reason why you weren’t able to love on him.

By the second week, you were a wrecking mess.

Gossip pages kept talking about Mason and this girl, that you don’t know who it is. You only left your room when he was at training or at a game, locking the door when he was at home, and the only way you knew about him was through Man United’s social media.

On a particular night, you had cooked his dinner and headed to your room, taking a long shower and getting ready for bed. You had just chosen what you would watch when your phone started buzzing with a FaceTime call from Mason’s brother.

Sighing, you accepted the call and waited for him to talk.

“Y/N? Hey, I’m sorry I’m calling you kinda late, but it’s everything okay?” Lewis’ concerned face filled the screen and you recognised his car. “Mason is not answering since this morning and I’m starting to worry, we’re getting there so I wanted to be sure he’s at home”

Lewis had no idea, but his words brought the worst kind of panic to your heart. You jumped out of the bed without even answering him and rushed outside, unlocking your door and running to the other side of the corridor before opening Mason’s room door to see that his bed was empty and messy.

Running downstairs with your heart in your mouth, you entered the living room in a rush, stopping suddenly when a group of men entered your view. Shaw, Rashford, Höjlund and McTominay were playing video games and eating snacks, but Mason was nowhere to be seen.

“Y/N? We woke you up?” Luke seemed surprised, instantly getting on his feet and approaching you. “Mase told us you were out this night, I’m sorry if we disturbed you”

When you didn’t answer, Rashford got on his feet too.

“You’re pale, Y/N. It’s everything alright? Do you need anything?”

You looked around, feeling lost in the place you used to call home, Lewis forgotten in your phone.

“What’s wrong?” Mason showed up coming from the kitchen and taking a few seconds to notice you were there. The sight of your confused face and the bags under your eyes made his heart hurt. He hadn’t seen you in so long… “Y/N-”

“Lewis is trying to talk to you” you murmured, giving a quick smile to his teammates before heading upstairs, back to your room.

When you finally closed the door, your entire body began to shake, your heart having difficulties to process that he was fine and nothing that you imagined had actually happened.

The anxiety and panic you’ve felt minutes before got the best of you and you try to make it to your bed, falling a few steps before reaching it.

“Hey” Lewis’ alarmed voice reminded you he was still in the call. “What’s wrong? You’re on the floor? Wait, why did you enter the guest room? Y/N, what’s happening? Jaz, can you take my phone and talk to her please”

You tried to answer him, but everything that left your lips were heavy sobs and grunts, your hips hurting from the fall. When Jaz’s face showed up, you felt the urge to let it all go like you’d with your sister — a sister you don’t have.

“Y/N you need to breathe. Breath with me” she tried to keep your attention on her while, noticing how uneven your breath was. “Can you tell me what happened?”

You shook your head, still feeling like you were choking on your tears. “I’m sorry. I thought ‘well, it must be bad if he’s not answering his own brother’, and then the possibilities terrified me”

“It’s okay, He’s okay, isn’t he?” Jaz calmed you, and you nodded. “Good. Now, keep breathing. What happened? Why does it seem like you’re having a panic attack?”

“I don’t know if I should talk about this with his sister, Jaz”

“Don’t be silly, I just wanna help you. I’m like your big sister too, aren’t I?”

“I miss you” you sighed, pouting like a kid.

“We’re almost there, my love. Do you think you can open the door for us?”

You tried to get on your feet and the pain was instant.

“I can’t, actually. My hip hurts”

“Hurts like you’ll need painkillers or like you can’t actually get up?” Lewis’ voice could be heard, and you attempted to get up.

“I don’t know” you whined. “Like I can’t get up, I think”

“Do you want me to call an ambulance?” Jaz asked, concerned, but you were quick to say no.

“No! No, his name will be everywhere tomorrow”

“He wouldn’t care if it’s for you, Y/N”

“Now he might, I don’t know”

“What do you mean?” Jaz frowned at you.

You figured out there was no need to hide from them, once they’d found out as soon as they saw Mason, so you shrugged.

“We broke up”

“What? Why?” she looked more confused that yourself that night.

“I don’t know. He asked for a break, but I don’t do breaks. Why would you need a break from someone you love? So you can be with someone else without feeling guilty? And then the tabloides…”

“Yeah, we saw it. That’s why we’re coming over, we we’re worried about how he’s dealing with it”

“I don’t think he’s too worried about it” you sighed, telling them the last few weeks and what just happened in the living room.

“And he hadn’t followed you to see how you are? What if we weren’t coming over, would you lay hurt on the floor forever?” you could hear Lewis’ voice, and your cheeks got red.

“I’ve been locking myself when he’s at home, so he hadn’t had the chance to talk to me even when he tried to”

“Y/N… communication is the key” Jaz told you.

“I know, but this is not the time to talk about it”

“Fine. We’re here” Lewis announced, turning off the engine.

—

“Lewis?” Mason opened the door, surprised. “What are you doing here?”

Thankfully, the boys had already left and Mason was alone in the living room.

“Goodnight Mase. Can I talk with Y/N?”

“Oh, so” he scratched his neck, not ready to talk about it yet. “About this, there’s something I need to tell you”

“Yeah, I know. I’ll go to her room real quick, yeah?”

“She’s not in our room. And she doesn’t unlock the door when I’m home”

“She will unlock it for me, don’t worry” Lewis tapped his shoulder before heading to the guest room.

“Have you talked to her?” Mason frowned, following his brother. You could hear they talking and you hid your face with your arm so Mason couldn’t see you’ve been crying.

“Hey Y/N, it’s Lewis. Jaz is in the car, can I take you to her?”

You nodded, groaning when he lifted you up.

“What happened?” Mason asked, but no one answered him. “Y/N? Are you hurt?”

You could feel the desperation in his voice, but you had no strength to talk. Lewis put you in the car, where Jaz instantly hugged you, before going back inside to take your stuff.

“What the hell are you doing?” Mason asked, watching Lewis looking for something in his bedroom’s bathroom.

“Taking Y/N’s stuff, she’s going back to Portsmouth with me and Jaz”

After taking what he needed from Mason’s room, he went to the guest room to take only the essential things he thought you could need.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m taking her out of this house. I won’t let you treat her like that” Lewis kept talking with a firm tone whilst taking your skincare products and then looking for a few pieces of clothes. “She can stay at mum’s for a while”

Mason’s eyes widened. “No. No, you’re not” he tried to take your stuff from Lewis’ hands.

His brother gave him a look and Mason stopped immediately. He wanted Lewis to scream at him, and the fact he was talking low and contained was killing Mason.

“Try me, Mason Mount” Lewis whispered. “We all know you’re going through something, and you know how much I love you, but this is not an excuse. I thought you would ask her for help. Find comfort in her to get through this. But asking for a break? Going out and hooking up with other girls while she’s still living with you? Do you have any idea how she was when we found her?”

Mason stayed silent, so Lewis kept talking.

“Jaz wanted to call the ambulance, if this can make you understand why she’s coming with us”

Mason’s eyes watered and he wanted to explain better, tell his brother that he never hooked up with other girls and why he asked you for a time, but he should’ve done this days ago — Lewis wouldn’t hear him now. Neither would you.

“It’s not like that, Lewis, I never hooked up with anyone-“ he shook his head, but his brother headed to the door without paying attention.

Mason ran to block his way, receiving a flat look, and Lewis sighed. “You don’t have to make this more difficult than it already is, Mase. She’s coming with me”

“No!” Mason screamed at his face, and it was obvious how unbalanced the younger one was. “She’s not”

“Mason, I’m your brother and I will never let go of your hand, but you need to calm down and think about what you want. I‘ll call you tomorrow so we can talk, alright?” Lewis kissed Mason’s forehead and walked to his car with your bag.

Mason’s heart broke in a million pieces seeing you huddled in the back seat, Jaz’s body cuddling yours. His eyes watered when he called your name and you didn’t look at him, your shoulders shaking.

How the hell did he ruin his entire life in just two weeks?

When his brother started the car, Mason instantly picked up his phone and texted Luke.

—

The ride back to Portsmouth was long and you slept through most of it, not even realising when Jaz and Lewis switched places so he could rest too.

“Since it’s Friday night we’re all in our family’s house” Jaz told you as soon as she saw your eyes open. “Do you mind coming with us? I can book an hotel if it’s too much for you, being with his family”

“No, I’d love to spend some time with you all. You know how much I love your family, Jaz”

“We love you a lot, too. Especially Summer, but the whole family loves you” Jaz giggled, thinking about how happy Summer will get just by seeing you.

“The whole family but my boyfriend” you laughed,

“I’m sure we’ll understand what’s going on tomorrow, Y/N. Lewis will talk to him”

You shrugged, feeling too tired to debate. Jaz helped you settle in one of the guest rooms, and since it was in the middle of the night you didn’t see anyone.

By the morning, everybody was really happy to see you, and explaining the whole thing to Debbie was the worst part of it.

“I don’t know what’s happening with him” she told you with a sad tone. “I’m not trying to defend him, Y/N, please no. I’m just so worried. He doesn’t answer our calls anymore, barely answer our texts, doesn’t want to come visit”

“It’s just a hard time, Debbie. I know he misses you and his old life, he misses London and his friends. It’s been a rough time for him” you smiled softly. “I think he’s just feeling lost, and maybe I just didn’t made him feel settled there”

“Still, this is not an excuse to do what he did” Lewis interrupted, sitting on the other sofa. “If he’s lost, if he’s struggling, if he’s sad, he needs help. Pushing you aside it’s not the answer. No when you left your life for him. You lost things too”

“Lewis is right, you left everything behind. He is not obligated to stay with you just out of gratitude, but if he wanted to end things then he should’ve done it in a better way” Debbie nodded. “I think I should visit him so we can have a talk”

“I called him this morning” Lewis sighed. “I think he needs real help, mum. But we’ll help him, yeah?”

He kissed Debbie’s head, but Jaz frowned at him.

“What do you mean with real help?” she asked, sighing too when Lewis shrugged. “I think we shouldn’t have left him alone”

“Yeah, we shouldn’t have, but he’s okay. Shaw talked to me about half an hour ago. Jaz, can we talk real quick?”

Once they left you alone with Debbie and Summer, you tried to play with the little one and give her attention. When she asked why you were there, you told her that uncle Mason and you had a little fight, but that everything was okay.

“Oh” Summer gasped. “This is why uncle Mase told me he was sad?”

You frowned, suddenly worried. Mason never let his nieces get in the middle of adult problems, so you pulled Summer closer and kissed her head.

“What do you mean, baby girl? What did Uncle Mase have told you?”

“That he was feeling really, really sad, and that he was hurt” she pouted, pointing to her forehead. “Here”

You tried to keep focused on her, but you could only think about Mason, your heart aching just from thinking about what ‘really, really sad” meant.

When the adults were back, Summer was practically sleeping so Lewis took her and left you and Jaz alone.

“I’ll have this conversation with you, because I see how bad you’re hurting and I care too much about you. But I’m not trying to say he’s not wrong, or that you should forgive him just because of his condition, this is not what I think at all and-”

“Jaz! Just say it” you interrupted her, your heart racing in your chest.

“We think Mase has been in a depressed state. Not depressive yet, but it won’t take long if nothing changes”

“Alright” you took a deep breath, already feeling guilty that his siblings stayed by your side and that the three of you left him alone at home. “What do we do now?”

“We?” Jaz asked. “Are you sure?”

“We know Mason, Jaz. Of course I’m hurt, especially by the fact he preferred asking for a break instead of asking for help, but I’m not letting him by himself when he needs me the most”

“There’s not much we can do” she sighed, and you imagined how hard it was probably being to his siblings, seeing their baby boy in a state like this. “Lewis talked to Shaw and they decided to take Mase to the club’s doctor. It’s a start, but Mason needs to want help for this to work”

You nodded, feeling overwhelmed by a feeling you couldn’t even explain. He’s facing a hard time - but he’s alive, and as long as he’s still here, he can face this.

And despite being worried about him, knowing that the way he acted wasn’t entirely his fault took the part of the weight out of your shoulder. Even though his actions were still hurting, the truth is that you’d always be patiently waiting for him to be better.

For him to come back.

Before you went to bed that night, your phone buzzed with a single text, your heart trying to jump out of your chest whilst your entire body ached with the urge of holding your boy again.

—

Two months later, you were still missing him like crazy.

You never answered that text, simply because you had nothing to say. It was a promise, and you were waiting for him to keep it.

Since you left Manchester, Lewis would send you a message every morning saying “Mase is asking about you, do I have permission to tell him anything?”, and the answer would always be “as long as you tell me how he is”.

Even though you were still feeling hurt, the answers always made you smile. “He started therapy today” and “he’s back at training” were the ones you loved the most to know. And, of course, the fact he asked about you every single day warmed your heart.

Lewis told you that the only reason why Mason hadn’t visited yet nor sent you any message was because he only wanted to talk with you when he was feeling more like himself again, and you respected it.

Of course you’d be there for him if he asked you, but deep down you wanted to see your Mason — not the one who asked you for a break.

So, since the day Jaz and Lewis brought you to Portsmouth you’ve been at Debbie’s house. She and Tony took care of you, giving you space every time you needed but also supporting you to go out a bit, study outside or even hang out with them. You also started a remote job, and it felt like the only thing left for you to be fully happy was for Mason to be good.

You discovered that the family used to reunite every weekend, so they could have lunch together — and, when Mason is playing, so they can watch him. By every weekend, you felt more part of the family, and the fear that maybe Mason meant it that night, that maybe he won’t want you around even when he feels better, started to grow inside you.

One of those weekends, almost four months that you left Manchester, Summer wanted to go to the park before lunch and most of the family followed her and Jaz. You stayed at home with Tony so you could keep an eye on a sleepy Mila, since Jaz didn’t want to wake her up.

You were in the living room, watching Mila’s peaceful sleep when someone knocked at the front door and Tony left the kitchen saying “I got this”. You chuckled at how cute and sweet he always is, but then found it weird when he didn't return with whoever was knocking, making your way to check if everything was alright.

“Dad, please. I just wanna talk with her” you stopped in your tracks, feeling goosebumps all over your body. There’s no way you could not know this voice.

“I don’t know if she wants the same, Mase. Let me check, alright? I’ll just ask real quick” Tony told him, and you appreciated that he thought about your well being. If you didn’t want to talk with Mason — which you do, it could turn into a mess if he let him enter without warming you.

“Tony, c’mon” Mason snorted, and you know he’s impatient. “That’s my girl. I just need to see her”

Tony stared at Mason for a few seconds and you bit a smile, quickly stepping into their vision field.

“It’s alright. Can you give us a moment?” you touched his shoulder, and the way Mason’s eyes shimmered when he saw you made your tummy flutter.

“Of course. Kid, you’re staying for lunch?”

“Yeah” he nodded, eyes not leaving you.

“So you better come help me when you finished your talk” Tony teased, kissing Mason’s head before heading to the kitchen.

There was a few seconds of silence before Mason shook his head.

“Sorry I didn’t text you, I was trying not to think about it so I wouldn’t give up. But I owe you an explanation” he bit his lower lip, and you could tell by his breath that he was trying not to cry. “Would you- could you listen? Even though this doesn’t change anything, I just need to know that you know what happened”

“C’mon, let’s go to the living room” you smiled, your heart pounding with the sad expression on his face, but then he smiled and followed you. “Why you’re not in Manchester right now? I thought you had a game tomorrow”

“I asked for a day, so I could come and talk to you” Mason shrugged, as if it wasn’t a big thing.

“Mason! You’re just back in the squad, you can’t ask for a day” you scolded, crossing your arms and turning back at him.

“It’s okay, I need a break and they’ll probably say I just have food poisoning or something like this. How do you know I’m back in the squad?” he smirked, sitting first so you could choose if you wanted to sit next to him or not.

You wish you were stronger, but you missed him so much that sitting across the room felt wrong, so you sat beside him.

“Knowing” you rolled your eyes. “So, what’s so important that you couldn’t wait?”

There were a few more seconds in silence, but it didn’t bother you. You know, from Lewis’ daily updates, how difficult it has been for Mason to get on track again, so you let him go at his own pace.

“You” he played with his fingers, trying to keep his hands to himself. “I couldn’t wait to see you. The idea that I’m losing you a little bit more everyday that you spend without an explanation is killing me. I know the blame is on me and I have no right to ask you anything, but here I am asking you to try to understand, because I miss you”

You felt your eyes watering, so you blinked away the tears.

“I miss you too, but..”

“Don’t say it” he interrupted you, shaking his head and looking away. You could tell when he was on the verge of tears, and the sudden change in his mood got you worried.

“What?”

“I don’t wanna know. If you don’t love me anymore, please don’t tell me” he pleaded, fingers fidgeting the hem of his shirt.

“Don’t be silly” you reached for his hand, intertwining your pinkies to distract him from whatever he was feeling. “I already understand what happened, yeah? I don’t blame you”

“You should” Mason shrugged.

“It’s just…” you ignored what he said. “I think it’s hard for me to just suddenly open my heart for you again? I know you were in a dark space and it wasn’t your fault and you didn’t mean to hurt me but it did. It hurt a lot”

Mason squeezed your hand and his shaky breath broke made your heart ache.

“I’m sorry”

“I know you are. Wanna tell me what happened? How were you feeling that night?”

It took him a few seconds to answer, but the silence wasn’t weird anymore. You’ve known each other for a while now, and even though the Mason you left weeks ago pushed you away, he doesn’t look like this one.

This one looks like your Mason.

“I don’t know how to describe it” he started. “But the last six months have been hard. First, I’m sorry I lied to you about this for four months, and I’m sorry I wasn’t being honest every time you asked me if I was good. I do trust you, and I know I should’ve told you, but I was scared”

You squeezed his hand to tell him it was okay without interrupting him, waiting for him to continue.

“It started with a few and normal insecurities, things everybody feels. ‘What if I’m not what the team is expecting, what if I fail here, what if I’m not good enough’. And then it escalated so fast. I started skipping meals because they didn’t look interesting, sleeping from the moment I got home to the moment I needed to leave for training, not actually wanting to talk with anyone. And I know you thought I was just tired and dealing with a lot, so please don’t feel guilty about it”

Too late, you thought. How haven’t you noticed that the man you love was struggling?

“The only thing that kept me going was you. You were the only person I still wanted to see, the only voice that wouldn’t annoy me. But soon I started thinking that if I really love you so much then I should let you go, because you were stuck with an unhappy man. A man that wasn’t taking you on date nights anymore, a man that wasn’t giving you attention. A man that wasn’t even making love with you”

“Lack of sex never bothered me” you murmured, incapable of keeping silent. Mason gave you a sad smile and nodded.

“I know. I know, because you never pushed me. And now I know that if you were so kind thinking I was stressed and busy with work, you would’ve helped me if I had just told you how I was feeling. But the only thing my mind could think is that you deserved better, Better than me” he started biting his nails, so you took his other hand in yours too. “But still I was so selfish that even though you deserved better, and wanted you around. I was so scared that you would actually find ‘the better’ as soon as you left our house. When Lewis took you, I don’t know. I think it was the worst day of my existence”

“He had good intentions”

“I’m glad he took you, now. I was so involved in my own misery that I couldn’t see how bad it was affecting you. He told me that that day Jaz almost called an ambulance because you were on the verge of a panic attack. I’m so sorry. Do you know I never hooked up with anyone, don’t you?”

You nodded, remembering that Lewis told you what happened. A female fan, a paparazzi. It was enough to build the narrative.

“It’s okay, Mase” you smiled, hurt more by the miscommunication than anything else.

“No, it’s not” he started playing with your fingers and you let him. “God, I should’ve told you. Asked you for help, reassurance, anything”

“A damaged brain doesn’t work properly, Mason. Stop blaming yourself for how you reacted. Yeah, it hurted me and of course in an ideal world you would ask for help and I’d help you, but it’s not how it happened so let’s not stick to the past, alright?” you told him with a gentle tone, stroking his hand with your thumb. “What has happened since Lewis brought me here?”

“I called Luke and told him everything. Like, everything. The dark thoughts and how I treated you and he refused to let me alone. I think he was afraid, so he picked me up and made me sleep at his house. Lewis called me by morning and we had a chat, but everything was so cloudy and I couldn’t make decisions. Anouska was the one who told Luke what to do, so he talked to Lewis himself, put me in the car and took me to the club’s therapist. I’ve been seeing him since”

Mason took a deep breath, and you could feel his hands shaking.

“I know I hurt you, and there’s not a single day from the past four months that I don’t feel like pushing my face for it, and I’m so sorry I made your days harder and sadder, and if I could I’d let you live your life away from me so you could be happy with someone who won’t hurt you, but I can’t. I can’t live without you and I just need one more chance so I can make it up to you” he finally looked at you again. “That’s what I’m here for. I want another chance, Y/N. In your own pace and you can decide everything, but please”

You observed his pinky cheeks and shy gaze, smiling when he looked away.

“Are you shy?” you teased, amused that you were still capable of making him feel like a teenager.

“Stop, this is already hard enough” he groaned, making you laugh.

“Sorry” you smiled. “I guess I can accept your offer. First date when?”

“Oh- uh- I was-” he stuttered, and you bit a smile. “Wanna go to my next game?”

“We’re starting over, aren’t we? You shouldn’t bring someone who’s not even your girlfriend to your game” you teased again, giggling when his cheeks got even more redder.

“But I want you to be my girlfriend” he pouted, and his sincerity made your entire body heat. He was still your precious boy, after all.

“You’ll need to win your position back” you shrugged, and Mason was still pouting. “So, first date first”

“Come back to Manchester” his pout grew bigger and you wanted to kiss him, but you held yourself back.

“Mase! I just said you’ll have to win your position back and you want me to live with you?” you laughed, rolling your eyes playfully.

“No! I’ll pay for your hotel” his cheeks were burning. “I just need you around. Plus, how am I supposed to take you on a date if you’re too far away from me?”

“Fair enough. I’ll think about it” you winked, but Mason knows you too well to find out the answer by your smile.

“Lunch is ready” Tony screamed from the kitchen and you got on your feet, still holding his hands.

“Come here” you asked him, smiling when he shyly got closer. “I’m really proud of you, Mason. Even though you needed help to get to a doctor, staying and getting better was your decision”

“Thank you”

“Now let’s eat” you kissed the bridge of his nose and led him to the kitchen, holding his hand.

Tony smiled when he saw Mason’s pinky face and your hands intertwined, but you appreciated his silence about it.

When you heard the unmistakable Summer’s voice screaming ‘that’s uncle Mase’s car’, you knew you were back at home again — or, at least, very, very close.

—

The damn hotel was booked the next morning. Mason spent the night at his parents’, but in a different room, saying that ‘you won’t sleep in the same bed as someone who’s not your boyfriend yet’ — and it was your turn to pout.

By the morning, you were coming back to Manchester with him. It felt weird at first, and leaving the comfort of his parents’ house where you know they’d take care of you was scary, but Mason proved you had nothing to be scared of.

He drove whilst you watched movies and played video games on his big television, telling him you liked his new car.

“Glad you liked it, we’ll use it a lot” was his answer, and something in his tone made you blush before getting back to play.

When he left you in your hotel, Mason warned you he needed to sleep and take care of a few things, but told you to be ready by 7pm.

Mason was punctual, waiting for you exactly at seven. He kissed your forehead, not before making you feel undressed by his gaze, and gave you his arm to hold.

The restaurant was really close so he asked you if you wanted to walk and you accepted. The weather was nice and you loved walking, taking advantage of the situation to press your body against Mason’s.

There wasn’t much to say, so the pair of you walked in silence just enjoying each other’s existence. When you got to the restaurant and the waiter guided you to the reservation, Mason was instantly shy.

“What’s wrong?” you asked him with a teasing smile, not used to how shy he was around you even after so long.

“What are we supposed to talk about? We already know each other” he bit his bottom lip, eyes dragging down your body again. “And your dress makes me nervous”

“Why are you so silly?’ you groaned, and it was your turn to blush. “You can tell me what I’ve lost the last couple of months”

“Fine. I’m back in the squad and they said I can start next week. I also have therapy once a week now and we’re trying natural medicine” he told you shyly, the pinky cheeks you love showing up. “He told me I was in a depressed state but he could help me, and he’s helping”

“This makes me incredibly happy, Mase” you squeezed his hand over the table, his face turning even more red. “I’m genuinely so proud of you, and I hope you know there’s no shame in asking for help and taking medicine. And even though he is indeed helping you, you’re doing the hard job”

“Thank you” he smiled, holding your hand. “Now your turn. What have I lost?”

“I’ve been studying a lot” you smiled, not knowing how to tell him the news. “And some universities kinda accepted me?”

“Really? This is amazing babe, you know I’ve always thought you were the most intelligent person I’ve ever met”

It was true, Mason always told you how intelligent you were, and even though receiving compliments made you really shy, you were blushing for another reason, the way the pet name slipped through his lips like he never stopped using them with you.

“Yeah, one in Manchester, two in London and another one in Barcelona”

“Great. You’re so fucking good, it’s insane how you always makes me proud. Are you going to one of them?” he praised you, making your face burn with shame — and something else.

“I want to, but I haven’t decided to which one yet”

You had, actually.

“As long as you choose the one you really wants, I’ll be happy for you” he raised an eyebrow, demonstrating that he meant it.

“Even though it’s far away from you?” you asked nervously and Mason instantly picked up on what you were thinking.

“Y/N, look at me” he asked you, only speaking again when your eyes were locked on his. “I lived four months of my life away from you and the worst wasn’t being away from you. It was knowing why we were far away from each other. As long as you’re mine, distance it’s just a detail”

You squeezed his hand over the table, trying to bite a smile. After dinner and a few conversations about everything and anything in particular, Mason paid the bill and asked you to take you home.

“Do you mean, to my hotel room?” you giggled, hugging his arm.

The walk back was light and you felt your chest warm, the happiness of having Mason back — but more important, the happiness of seeing that Mason also got his true self back, overwhelming you.

When the pair of you stopped in front of the hotel, you hugged Mason’s waist.

“Thank you. It was really nice”

“It was nice to me too” he kissed your forehead, smiling bigger when you raised your face to look him in the eyes. After a few seconds staring into them, Mason brushed his nose against yours. “Kissing on a first date it’s acceptable for you? I miss your kisses”

“You’re making things difficult for me, you know? I’m trying to make you wait” you giggled, your smile so wide it was hurting your cheeks.

“I don’t wanna wait” he whined before kissing your jaw. “But, I know I deserve to wait. So I see ya next week?”

“Wait” you pushed his jacket when he started to distance from your body, bringing him closer. “I kinda had a rough time before our date. Would you mind-”

“You’re inviting me over on our first date?” Mason teased, his hand now stroking your jaw.

“Mase” you groaned, making him giggle.

“Cuddles and ice cream?” he murmured, stroking your cheek and your eyes watered a bit to the fact he still knows what you like to do when you’re slightly upset.

“And you’ll have to watch This Is Us”

“Oh no” he groaned playfully, as if he wasn’t dying to have this exact type of night with you. “You can’t tell anyone if I cry”

“Deal” you smiled, guiding him to your room.

Of course he ordered a few ice cream flavours, not letting you pay for any, and tucked himself in bed with you, trying to find a comfortable and respectful position.

You’ve always loved being in Mason’s arms and he never failed to make you feel secure whilst he was holding you, and soon the pair of you were practically sleeping.

So after countless episodes and a sleepy Mason you turned off the television and searched for a more comfortable position, laying your head on his shoulder and crossing his body with your upper leg.

At that moment, it felt like nothing ever happened. That you were still the sweet couple that moved to Manchester chasing his dreams.

But something did happened, and the memory brought tears to your eyes. Since that day you’ve never cried to Mason anymore, and you miss the way he used to comfort you and tell you things would be fine. It was your safe space to show emotions, and now you’re slightly afraid of crying in his arms again.

“I’m so sorry” Mason whispered, anticipating what you were feeling and breaking the silence. When you started crying he kissed your head, hugging you tight.

Seeing you cry was always the hardest for him, and knowing damn well it was his fault only made it worse.

“I’m sorry too, for not being there for you. I’ve been thinking about it since Portsmouth and fuck, I feel so stupid. How the fuck I didn’t noticed” you tried to speak, choking on your words.

“No” he kissed your forehead one more time. “Absolutely not, this is not your fault. I was dumb, I didn’t ask for help, I pushed you away when all you did was love me. You shouldn’t feel guilty about how I dealt with it”

“How are you feeling now?” you murmured, running your fingers through his chest and trying to make the tears stop from falling. “You can be honest with me, you know”

Mason caressed your lower back, sighing and thinking for a moment.

“Happy, honestly. I’m happy, Y/N. I know I’ve fucked up with you and that we’re only here right now because you have the most generous heart, but I’m so happy that I’m here. I’m happy about the treatment, I’m happy at the club, and even though I don’t know how our future will be and if you’ll ever gonna be mine again, I’m happy that I got to hold you tonight”

“I’m not gonna lie to you, what happened hurt me a lot. But I’m also pretty good at understanding the other side, and I understand yours. I understand how scared you must’ve felt, how lost and confused” you kissed his chest over the fabric of his shirt. “There wasn’t a single day that I didn’t miss being your girl”

“I don’t wanna hurt you ever again”

“But you will. And I bet I’ll hurt you sometimes. Relationships are like this, baby, but as long as we didn’t mean it then we can always talk about it and get back on track”

“So this means we’re back?” Mason whispered, afraid he got it wrong and you were about to say no.

“If I say yes now then I’m really bad at making you wait” you giggled, kissing his shoulder. “Maybe in two more dates?”

Mason nodded, snuggling further into you.

“I missed this so much” he murmured, holding you so tight it was almost like you were the same person.

“Snuggling?” you changed your positions so he could lay on top of you and scratched his hair.

“Yes” he nodded again. “And you calling me baby”

You laughed, kissing the tip of his nose.

“I never wanted to stop, you know”

“I know. You’ll never have to stop ever again” he reassured you, his fingers stroking your waist.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, I’ll be your baby forever” he kissed your neck, squeezing your body tighter and pulling his face away so he could look in your eyes. “But I said what I said, you deserve better”

You sighed, not wanting to debate this again

“Mase, don’t-”

“Shhh” he silenced you with a peck on your lips, making you smile. “So I’ll be better for you”

You stared at him for a few seconds, observing the silly smile he was giving you after stealing a kiss, the way his eyes were burning your skin and how closer to you he got by every second.

“I guess maybe that kiss doesn’t have to wait two more dates” you murmured, feeling genuinely happy when he instantly kissed you properly for the first time in so long.

#✧･ﾟ: *✧ tsimvkas — works #mason mount fanfic #mason mount x reader #mason mount fluff #mason mount angst #mason mount imagines #mason mount x y/n

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kiwi-solace · 10 months

Text

Devotion’s Fall (Teaser)

Brief: While living may not be as easy and comfortable as many, it was just fine to Y/n. Resigning herself to the circumstances, she’s come to accept her life and the future. When assisting a friend in attending the annual party of the kingdom’s prized royalty in finding their final soulmate for the first time, she expects a few days of playing pretend of what she wishes to be. But one should always be careful with the words you speak into the world.

Word Count: 993

Warnings: moderate injury, yandere (you know the drill), controlling behavior

A/N: Would you believe me if I said this was supposed to be finished in March? Btw Italics are not being spoken out loud! It’s in her head that’s all. Anyways, feel free to message me (￣∇￣)

...

Keep moving.

That’s all she could think of as she navigated through the dense forest that surrounded the kingdom’s domain. Seeking safety was top priority even if it brought her further away from a place she almost called home.

Dodging the various roots and vines of the forest floor had taken a toll on her bare feet. There was no time to care about something as simple as shoes when there was rarely a moment of opportunity for this getaway. Deluded were she, to ignore the signs and fall victim to their sweet nothings and reassurances. There had to be a catch. It was stark in hindsight.

Lungs has since yelled for her user to stop for a simple break, but that’s too much of a luxury to afford for the situation, let alone being in a simple nightgown. The alarm bells keep the adrenaline pumping, knowing you only had a small headstart. You can hear the storming footsteps behind you even on this stormy night. The thunder unable to drown out those sent after you–those coming after you themselves. They’re getting too close for comfort.

“Find her now! If you come back without her you’ll have bigger problems to deal with than finding a mere human.”

“We’re tired of this game of cat and mouse love.”

“It’s too dangerous outside for you— stop running.”

There it was. Those damned commands they started using within you. Their blood is the cause of this. The entire connection is cursed. Why had she been chosen for not just one, but eight creatures that have sought not just her heart, but her unconditional love and obedience.

Fighting the command with all her might slowed down her pace, a splitting headache begins in dismay of her disobeying. I will listen to you no more.

Being within a 50 mile radius of just one of them— let alone the eight of them— was more dangerous than the outside world. It’s sunshine and rainbows compared to them. With that thought, she attempts to speed up once again, only to trip on a slippery root infront of her beyond the kingdom’s wall. While the rain did aid in masking her scent with its downpour, it came to be her downfall when traversing haphazardly. It mocks her really. To know that you’re so close to being free from their jurisdiction, but even then there’s only one question: what happens? She laughs to herself at the thought. Maybe it’s the adrenaline or she’s losing it completely, but what’s to stop their pursuit even after fleeing the kingdom. They’ve proven to know no bounds when it comes to getting their way. Manipulation. Lies. Murder. It’s nothing new.

Groaning from the fall and newly acquired bruises, she attempts to get up again only to give out as another command is forced through. “Stop Now.”

Everything begins to hurt as you try to resist again, but it’s futile. Finally, with her knees to the grown and head hung, she stops.

Things never went accordingly. From your failure in aiding your friend in being chosen all the way to the hell that was to come as being the “missing piece” in this kingdom’s royal bloodline. It’s a curse. She doesn’t know who she wronged in life to be given such circumstances, but they succeeded in making her life miserable and seemingly temporary.

This was never her wish. Her words were twisted from a mere joke. It just goes to show how a person should always be careful with what they put out into the world. She can hear the gods laughing at her.

“Surround the area, I’m approaching!” Not like I can move.

She knows she won’t be let off easily this time being caught. Feigning innocence isn’t possible in this situation when knowingly disobeying the commands of her lovers— the king and his seven princes. The very beings responsible for the well-being of the kingdom and its prosperity.

Beings that promised when they found their missing bond, would they cherish and take care of them wholeheartedly. They’d know nothing except leisure and comfort as they delivered on their word of giving them the love they deserved. Thinking back, is this what she deserved? Tension, anger, exhaustion, skittish, helplessness—all things you’ve felt since your life had been uprooted from its natural continuance of a humble life.

“What did I deserve?” She spoke to no one.

Death seems to be the only way out from here. Her humanity a reminder that she still has something against them—something she can proudly claim. A way out. Maybe she should’ve been one of the many men and women throwing themselves at them. It looks like they got the better end of the stick with just dealing with rejection rather than this. Leaning against the trunk of a tree, she brings her knees to her chest slowly so as to not disturb her injury and rests her forehead atop her knees. The rain still pelting around her seemed to mask the approaching footsteps, or maybe she just didn’t care anymore. There’s no time to decide which one it is when said figure crouches beside her and places a hand on her shoulder.

“Did you finish your little adventure?”

Yeosang. It wasn’t said aloud, either to let the others into the conversation through their connection or because he knew she wouldn’t reply verbally. She didn’t care.

Met by silence, Yeosang sighs before repositioning himself to lift up his prize as the fragile princess he believes she is. The trek back wouldn’t take too long for him even with her in his arms.

“As much as we love you, you know the others will not let this go so easily,” he said out loud knowing it didn’t matter if there was a reply. Effective enough, the threat alone made her shiver because she knew what was waiting for her back in the castle would be the final descent into madness they’d want. Full compliance.

Their heaven, her soon to be hell.

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fanficshiddles · 5 days

Text

The Redbridge Hunts, Chapter 51

‘I did it because having you alive and hating me, is better than not having you alive at all.’

Claire’s heart broke at hearing Chris’ words. Judging by the look on Loki’s face, she had a feeling that his heart did too…

Loki said nothing at first, his mouth was open in shock at Chris’ admission.

‘You… you knew I didn’t want to be turned.’ Loki said gruffly.

‘You were dying in my arms, Loki. I loved you, so much. More than anyone else. When I first held you as a baby, I knew I’d do anything for my little brother. I was not about to just let you die.’ Chris yelled at Loki and turned away, his back to them.

Loki looked down, Claire saw the pained expression on his face.

‘If you just stopped killing innocent people, like dad did. You terrified me that day.’ Loki said quietly.

Chris turned around. ‘It’s not that easy. I’m addicted to the feeling I get when my victims are scared, the rush of power and the taste of their blood, it’s fresher and rich, I can’t help it. You’ve never been able to accept it, but I don’t care.’ Chris growled low.

Loki pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. ‘I get it, Claire’s blood is the most delicious thing in the world, but I can control myself. I can stop without killing her. You could too, you don’t need to kill them after!’

‘I don’t care about them. Their lives are just fleeting in comparison to us, it will happen sooner or later. Whether I’m here or not. Vampires will overtake.’

‘Would you say that if your soulmate turns out to be human?’ Claire asked.

Chris glared at her. ‘I don’t have a soulmate.’

‘You do, somewhere.’ Loki said. 'Every vampire has a soulmate.'

‘I’ve been to every single town and city in the world, spent weeks at each place, searched in clubs, bars, restaurants, everywhere. A soulmate for me doesn’t exist.’ Chris snarled, though his voice broke a little near the end.

‘Tell Loki what you told me about your job.’ Claire said softly.

Chris clenched his jaw and narrowed his eyes at Claire, then he looked at Loki with a sigh. He put his hands on his hips.

‘Fine. You want the truth? Look, I’m sorry for kidnapping Claire. For trying to hurt you. I was jealous when Claire first came along, that your soulmate literally just walked right into your life when I’ve spent centuries searching for mine. Then when dad told us about the school board wanting you to have my job, I snapped. I love that job, I love my students, vampires and humans. Seeing them thrive and grow, getting excited for being accepted into Universities or Colleges that they applied for, getting jobs that they’ve dreamed of. Helping the young vampires work their way through their first few years where their instincts are at their strongest. The thought of it all being taken away… especially by you, just made me see red. You’ve got everything I want, but you wouldn’t have if I didn’t turn you. Being a vampire isn’t so bad, is it? Better than being dead, surely? Yet you’ve never forgiven me for making that decision, to save my little brother in the only way possible.’

It was then Loki’s turn to get emotional. Claire saw the realisation wash over Loki’s face, his eyes began to water as he stepped backwards until he was leant against the table for support.

‘I… I didn’t realise you’d been searching for your soulmate. I also didn’t realise how much it affected you when I was hit by the car… I’ve been a fool… You’re not wrong, being a vampire is better than death. I just… I just didn’t see it at the time and was so angry and scared at the same time, it clouded my judgement. I’m… sorry, for not being thankful that you saved me. For not ever listening or giving you a chance.

I looked up to you so much, Chris. As my big brother. You were always there for me, looking out for me. When I was told about you and dad being vampires, I was crushed. Though I did come round to the idea, when dad explained about the blood bank… but then I learned that you didn’t agree with it. I was scared of you, the way you just drank from humans and killed them without care. That was a side to you I had never seen, didn’t want to see. I didn’t want to become like that, so when you turned me, I was terrified about doing the same. I've got your blood literally running through my veins, not just as brothers.'

Chris eyes widened a little at Loki’s words, his stance softened and he wasn’t quite as guarded anymore. ‘Scaring you was the last thing I wanted to do, I never wanted you to see me like that… I didn’t even want to tell you about us being vampires but dad was insistent about telling you the truth. That’s why my relationship with him dwindled even more, he just went ahead and told you anyway. I was scared of it causing a rift between us, and rightfully so. That’s exactly what happened.’

‘I would have found out sooner or later. I was beginning to wonder why you and dad never aged.’ Loki sighed and paused for a second. ‘I don’t want to take your job. You didn’t listen to me when dad told us. You are good at it, I know that. I was all for telling the board I didn’t want it and that you should remain the head teacher, until you went nuts and tried to kill me. That’s the first time I’ve genuinely thought you were actually attempting to murder me.’

Chris looked down. ‘I know. I’m ashamed to admit that I think I was, I just saw blind rage. I can’t excuse it.’ He shrugged and looked back up at Loki. ‘I can’t change who or what I am. But part of who I am, still cares and loves his little brother. Always has done. Always will. Even it that means being hated, at least you’re alive.’

Loki and Chris stared at one another for what felt like the longest time. Then, eventually, Loki stood up straight and walked towards him, Chris wasn’t sure what he was about to do at first. Though Loki opened his arms and hugged him tightly. Chris was frozen on the spot for a minute, his brain took some time to process what was going on.

Though the moment Chris put his arms around Loki in return, both of them instantly felt a relief of sorts, the love and bond they once had when Loki was younger came flooding back. All the good times and memories.

When they let go from the longest hug, they both had watery eyes. Though as they both took a step backwards, Claire was sat on the chair at the side, in floods of tears at the scene. They both turned their heads to look at her and chuckled.

‘You guys… That was… so beautiful.’ She sobbed and pulled her cloak round to wipe her eyes.

Chris rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. ‘Well… I’m away to go back to the hunt before it’s all over. I’m sorry, Claire. For kidnapping you and scaring you.’

Claire stood and walked over to Loki, still wiping her eyes. ‘I… I understand why you did. Though not to say it wasn’t scary at the start, but I’m glad that something good has come out of it in the end.’

Loki nodded in agreement, he put his arm around Claire tightly and kissed the top of her head.

‘Though if you ever hurt or kidnap her again, brother or not, I’ll beat the shit out of you.’ Loki growled at Chris.

Chris smirked and as he walked by, he patted Loki on the shoulder. ‘Sure you will, lil bro.’

Loki felt a strange sensation in his heart. It had been a long time since Chris called him that, he used to always use that nickname for him. It made him smile a little as Chris headed out the door and took off.

Claire wrapped her arms around Loki’s waist and hugged him tightly. Loki pressed his face into her hair and he breathed in deeply.

‘Let’s get you home.’ He hummed and squeezed her tightly.

#tom hiddleston #loki #loki x ofc #loki fic #the redbridge hunts #chris motionless #vampire loki

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bunnakit · 5 months

Text

last twilight e3 thoughts feelings etc

so in the past ive watched the episodes and digested them and come back and rewatched to put together my thoughts but im kinda crunched for time today and have a mountain of work to do sooo i'm just gonna do this in one sitting and i'm so sorry if it's not as good or as coherent as what i usually deliver aaa. it's also going to be a bit longer than normal probably but i'll try to cut down on stuff that seems unnecessary or maybe just too obvious to comment on.

OH ITS STILL REALLY LONG EVEN WITH EDITING I'M SO SORRY.

oh them being playful with each other is everything to me. oh my god and Mhok learned, he listened to Porjai and he learned to organize and clean and do things with Day as an active participant so he knows where everything is and is taking control of his own life. oh we're only 3 minutes in and i'm emotional, okay.

i do love that we get to see the way Day has isolated himself and that while his family haven't helped there's also a large part of it that is his doing. ive said it before but when you're newly disabled it can be so so easy to isolate yourself. hell, i've been diagnosed for almost 10 years and i still do it from time to time as my condition worsens because it's hard. there are so many questions you have to answer, there's the anxiety of not knowing if people are going to be accommodating to your needs, and sometimes it takes twice or even three times the energy it used to take before because every action is a little harder now. it can be terrifying to put yourself out there again and you will lose friends in the process. there will be people that don't understand, that find you to be an inconvenience, that won't make accommodations for you, and it will hurt every time but saying goodbye to those people is always ultimately for the better - but it doesn't make it hurt less. as much as i'd love the realism of it, i hope we don't have to see Day go through that.

Day's story about his friend is interesting, too. he says he doesn't want to be pitied by his friends but the thing is. they just did that, they accommodated their friend, and from the sound of it they did it without judgement. so why couldn't it be the same for him? it just shows more of his anxiety and his fear.

"once i'm ready you'll be the first to get my invitation card." Porjai and Mhok's friendship means so so fucking much to me.

"i felt like my life was worthless. all i saw in people's eyes was insult."

screaming. crying. throwing up. i don't need to say anything about this but i thought you all should know it made me ill.

here's the thing, my best friend and i dated in high school, we were 16 and fucking stupid and toxic and our home lives were shit and we took it out on each other and we made each other fucking miserable by the end of things. we didn't talk again for over five years. it took time to come back together, to heal and accept our own faults in what went wrong. we stumbled here and there as we came back together but now? almost 10 years later i don't know what i'd do without him. that's my platonic soulmate, that's the one person besides my husband i can share anything with. fuck, he knows more about my life than my husband does because he was there to see me at my worst, at the scariest point in my life where i almost wasn't around anymore to see tomorrow. that kind of friendship is so fucking special, i cannot even properly put it into words, and for Mhok to keep that? to have that with Porjai? i'm so fucking glad he has that. i'm so glad he got to keep his platonic soulmate.

small aside, i love that Mhok consistently announces himself to Day. it's a little action but it's so considerate. he's honestly doing such an incredible job.

Day puts his sunglasses on like armor; like they can shield him from the judging stares or looks of pity he can't see. maybe someday he won't need them, not because his heart has hardened to take the blows, but maybe because he knows Mhok is by his side. because remember - it's the way they look at us.

"i heard you wanted to take time off and focus on badminton" Night i'm going to drown you in your own toilet. this is just furthering my thoughts from episode 2 that Night is ashamed of his brother and his condition, or perhaps that the family is trying to hide his condition for some fucking stupid reason.

the bravery it took Day to come here and admit whats happening to his is huge, but i'm also in love with the admissions admin saying sure, you can have time off, but you're not allowed to quit. you're not allowed to give up on yourself.

"we must live with hope, Day" and that's it. you have to. you just have to. every day is going to be so hard and so much, you'll have good and bad days, but at least in all those days you'll have hope. and maybe someday that hope won't be for new eyes. maybe that hope will turn into acceptance, into determination, into pride at what you've accomplished in spite of it all. in my opinion, hope is an amazing fuel but it's not sustainable, it's just a vehicle to get you to where you need to be.

Mhok asking a blind man for a tour, oh fuck fuck fuckfuckufkcufk-- Mhok essentially saying show me your world exactly as you remember it, let me in. see how things have changed and how they've remained the same and do it with me by your side.

THE WAY MHOK SHIELDS HIM AT THE LIBRARY. DAY DOESN'T NEED TO WEAR HIS SUNGLASSES LIKE ARMOR BECAUSE MHOK IS BY HIS SIDE AS HIS SHIELD. chewing my own arm off brb.

"and you also have me. nothing to be afraid of" because i will always shield you, i will always protect you, i will stand by your side AAAA--

on part 3/4 now, i promise i'll shut the fuck up soon. if you've read this far pls take this as a smooch checkpoint, i'm giving you a little forehead smooch. have you had any water today? taken your meds? relax your shoulders, unclench your jaw.

ok back to it - Mhok continuously having Day make his own selections in these various machines. Day's fate is in his hands, he can do these things himself, but Mhok will be there with him the whole way.

"my eyes don't work well but my legs do just fine." this is such a massive leap from the man that wouldn't even leave his bedroom, from the man that was suffocating in his environment. Day is no longer a dying man, a shambling corpse. he is an active participant in his own life again.

"stay close to me, that's all i need" bitch i'm gonna throw up, you can't just hit me with that after that's all i've been saying this whole time what the fuck.

OH FUCK ME. okay. alright. hang on. so when they enter the shop Mhok describes it to Day, explains where the jeans are, where the shirts are, asks him what to do and what he wants to take a look at. this is a direct antithesis of Night in episode 1 asking where Day was going to wait for him, where he could leave him so he could get his shit done. Day isn't being asked to wait, to just sit idle while life passes him by, he's being asked what he wants to do, where he wants to go, what he wants to see. FUUUUUCK. and knowing Mhok is doing this because Day expressed that he liked dressing nicely? how the fuck am i supposed to just go to my job like a normal person after this episode.

wow the shirt buttoning scene just made me so mentally ill. right now, Mhok is doing his job. he's helping Day get dressed. but someday? someday this could be Mhok dressing Day not because he needs him to help but simply because Mhok likes doing to for Day. there's the sensuality of caring for your partner, of running your hands over the planes of their shoulders, of skimming your fingers down their chest to pluck every button. it's an exploration and a declaration of love. if we get this again in a future scene and it's something like that please remember me fondly because i will perish.

at the bookstore Mhok recognizing Day doesn't want to wait, but Day has become so accustomed to the other people in his life telling him what to do that he falls back into that behavior - but Mhok doesn't let him. he prioritizes Day's needs and desires, even if it's something as little as finding a book, without being asked.

THE LAST PAGE IS MISSING.

(because one can't see his future and the other can't see in the future, but also because they'll make their own ending, they'll face that when they get there, but they'll do it together -- what if i lost my shit completely of it?)

when Mhok leaves Day to get him a drink the camera is focused on Day and the clear warring emotions on his face but if you look in the background Mhok hesitates, he stops and turns a few times to look at day. he's reluctant to leave him and worried. Mhok worries so much but it's always so understated or in the background, covered by the emotions of others he values above himself. (or overlooked because of 'what type of person he is')

while its anxiety inducing i do enjoy this regression of behavior because adapting to a new life is hard. you will regress, you will stumble, you will fall into old habits or sometimes old fears will return. its what you do after that that is important. the one thing i hope doesn't happen is i hope this doesn't cause a rift with Porjai. i think Mhok needs her right now, maybe not forever, but definitely right now.

HE PUT ON THE FUCKING SHIRT. THE FUCKING SHIRT DAY COULD SEE FROM MARS. OH MY GOD. i know this doesn't need to be commented on, i know it's obvious, but FUUUUCK.

Day's mom trying to weaponize Mhok's past and Mhok taking the ammunition from her hands and telling Day himself. the acceptance of the past and the determination to move on and grow from it. Day's refusal to let the past repeat itself with a new caretaker. whoo boy.

and again Day wants to see Mhok, because even bruised and battered Mhok is worth seeing.

if the last episode ends with "sweet dreams/good night" i will be burying myself alive, thanks.

tagging @benkaaoi and @callipigio as requested (if you want to be added to my last twilight meta tag list just let me know!)

THE PINK SHIRT RUINING HIS BAD BOY IMAGE BECAUSE IT IS BEING RUINED. HE'S MOVING ON, HE'S GROWING, HE'S BECOMING A NEW PERSON. FUCK OFF.

i'm so so sorry this was so long, every episode makes me feel more and more things and makes me analyze shit more and more.

#last twilight #last twilight the series #ltts meta #bunn meta #mhokday #morkday

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dairy-farmer · 2 years

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Okay, but like an AU where Jason never died, so Tim never becomes Robin and meets Bruce as a civilian. Tim, whos parents are alive, but doesn't get along with so he applys to be Bruce Wayne's personal secretary, maybe as an intern. Bruce who generally doesn't seriously date many date girls, much less ones younger then his oldest son age suddenly clicking with his extremely young gender fluid secretary who sometimes wears teasing little skirts with oversized sweaters and sometimes flattering bottom downs with form-fitting slacks and everything in-between.

Bruce who was always wears a mask, is always the perfect public example of whatever he's being (the perfect playboy socialite, the perfect father, the perfect CEO, the perfect vigilante, but never showing all the cards in his deck to Anyone) suddenly meeting this adorable little civilian kid, and just... falling heads over heels in love. Letting down his barriers in a way he doesn't, a way he never has before. Struggling with his desire to share everything with Tim with whom he connects with so completely. Tim with his soft figure and beautiful, brilliant brain who meets him where he is in a way he didn't think was possible. Beautiful, perfect Tim.

Can you imagine the reaction when Bruce finally gives in and decided 'fuck it, Tim's the one' and marrying him or at the very least bringing him home and letting him see every part of him? The press tearing him part in the news for getting together with this 20 year secretary intern, his family hurt and assuming he's being mind controlled or at the very least manipulated by Tim, the shock and disbelief of his co-worker, both caped and otherwise. His kids, who are older then Tim who feel betrayed.

And Bruce who's finally with someone who can be that everything to him. Who owns him wholly just as he owns Tim. Who accepts him for the overly controlling kinky bastard he is. Tim, who will play any role in Bruce's life, be it housewife, lover, partner, and/or best friend and anything in-between loving how utterly codependent they quickly become. Maybe even getting a pregnant right off the bat and loving it, because he and Bruce are soulmates, and Tim just wants to be Bruce's everything (not that he doesn't love being knocked up in its own right, but for Bruce he would have as many kids as his petite little body could pop out). Who adore how Bruce's big, large hands completely swallow his plush little tits, who's monster cock wrecks his little pink pussy every night, who brands his ownership of Tim onto this skin with bruises from being held too tight, who speaks his ownership into Tim's ears and heart with candied words of adoration and possession, whispering how good, who perfect Tim is for him. How he'll never let him escape, how no one and nothing could ever take him from Bruce. How he'll stay and love him the way he deserves, and Tim melts for it. Falls in love a little bit more even as the world looks on them in horror and derision and tries to save Tim from the very thing that is his salvation.

Because Tim? Tim is just as broken and in need of Bruce as Bruce is. They do complete each other, afterall. ♡♡♡

(Sorry I just dumped this in your inbox. I typed this on my phone with I know it's riddled with typos but like I also had to share this with someone and I figured you were the one. Also, that AU you've been posting about, where Tim is obsessed with being pregnant very much inspired this, as I'm sure you can tell. Anyways, I live your writing and I hope you have a great day! Cheers ~♡♡♡)

ANON THIS IS INCREDIBLE!!!!

it's so perfect, the scenario, their meeting, them just clicking so well.

with tim it's not instant. bruce doesn't magically meet him and think 'this is him, he's the one' it's something that seeps into him steadily the more he meets tim.

they're alike. very alike.

it's almost laughable to say because tim couldn't be more different from him. where bruce is big, tim is small. where bruce is rough, tim is smooth. where bruce is cruel, tim is sweet. but that's where the extent of their differences end. but there's something there... something in the static of the air or the angle of the light that strikes something in him. because when bruce looks at him he feels like he's looking into a mirror.

there's something cracked in tim, bruce can see it clear as day.

tim had a good upbringing, bruce knows that. he knows it from the file he gathered on him after the recruitment office sent him an email about his new secretary starting on Monday, here's his name, a copy of his I.D badge, make sure to forward any relevant work to his new email which is included below.

boarding school all throughout his childhood. world touring parents who got a divorce when tim was 14. a smooth seperation, not drawn out at all. they signed the papers and were now mr. jack marvin drake and miss. janet lynn wolfman. janet owned a penthouse in New York and was the owner of a historical artifacts gallery that hosted lavish events. tim visited her for every weekend and holiday in the custody agreement.

jack drake still resided in the city and had a rather nice mansion in the heart of gotham. he also owned several properties including the house next door to bruce's which was rented by a nice family who had a son that used a wheelchair. he'd insisted on tim continuing his education at a private school in gotham (which offered a discount to in-state residents). tim had graduated from his school a year early with honors and he'd been a member of the school's tennis team, the computer club, the AV club, and the gardening club.

a few weeks before he'd been hired, tim had moved out of the house he shared with his father and moved into a small studio by the bowery. phone records revealed that both his mother and father had been sending him calls that went unanswered and texts that alternated between threatening to revoke funds from his bank account and begging him to think about his future. bruce got his answer to that situation in the form of a letter from tim's guidence counselor expressing concern about tim's lack of motivation and interest in pursuing higher education.

jack drake had a master's in finance along with his wife who also had a PhD in anthropology. bruce could recall the few times alfred put his foot down and him telling bruce that he was absolutely not leaving the country without completing a college education was one of them.

he'd begged and threatened just like tim's parents had and part of bruce had thought of...just going anyway. but as a teenager, he'd never had the balls to do it.

tim, it seemed, did.

the extent to which bruce had felt for him at the time had been vague interest.

then he'd met him.

a soft blue cardigan with brown corduroy slacks that had a cotton button-up tucked in. shiny black shows and the sweetest blue eyes staring up at him. he looked...soft. he looked like a bunny and bruce felt like a coyote stumbling across him. so easy to tear up, to manipulate. he felt like he could lean over and bite tim, picking him up by the scruff.

bruce couldn't explain it but he felt like a creep with how much he wanted to just stare at tim.

tim is a good assitant. he learns quickly and is always on hand. all of bruce's assistants had been good, they could all do that too.

but tim outperforms them in one aspect.

he could anticipate bruce's needs.

he kept tissues in his pocket when bruce got a runny nose, extra pens of every color in hand in case bruce's ran out. candy in a jar when bruce got the occasional craving for something sweet. mints in a little metal tin in case bruce forgot to brush his teeth and had to speak at a meeting. a sewing kit for when bruce popped a button.

bruce's stress of the day at the office slowly...floated away.

he didn't worry about misreading a document because tim double-checked it for him. he never missed a deadline because tim made sure everything was allotted a specific time and completed three days in advance. when he was absent from work with an injury or a case that required continuous surveillance, tim provided a cover for him.

but that last one was where something tugged inside him. the days where he wasn't in the office, when he didn't see tim. they seemed so much...harder.

he'd stretch his hand out for something and there'd be no one there filling his need. he'd turn his head with a request on the edge of his tongue only to be met with empty space.

tim he'd...he'd become necessary for bruce's function. for his work.

civilian work at least.

as batman he was still carrying a heavy load made heavier by the fact that jason was still in college and could only offer so much of his time.

with jason being away, dick only occasionally visiting, damian preferring the titans and dick over him it got....bruce was....lonely.

leaguers all had things going on, bruce's children were all perfectly fine without his hovering and tim...

bruce started spending more time at work. he started striking up conversations, asking tim about his interests, listening to his opinions and bruce found himself smiling more, laughing.

tim had such quick wit and a dry sense of humor. he could see as well as bruce could how full of shit so many of W.E's upper management was. when bruce made some vague joke making a reference to an old book that was out of print, tim understood it. he understood it and laughed.

tim went with him on business trips and, bruce knew he was being inappropriate- he was crossing a boundary of employer-employee behavior. but when it came to it...they shared a hotel room.

they'd had separate beds but bruce he'd just...he'd wanted to keep the conversation they were having on roman influences in modern media culture going. they'd been so happy chatting on the plane and at the airport and then in the car. when they'd arrived to the hotel and the concierge had asked if he was checking one or two in he'd....

tim had gone off to finding a vending machine for water because bruce had coughed in the car and tim picked up on his thirst.

so bruce had lied.

just a small one, not even the worse lie he'd ever told in his life.

he'd said one and told tim that the company had screwed up somehow and they were sharing. tim hadn't hesitated to believe him and that night it was- it was one of the best night's of bruce's life.

he and tim had stayed up late like two kids at a sleepover. they'd ordered exorbitant amounts of room service and watched the movie. tim had explained every joke and punchline bruce hadn't. bruce had tightened his grip on tim to reassure him during each jumpscare and they'd fallen asleep in a bad position that left them with sore necks in the morning. they'd barely made it to the meeting in time and rather than being stressed or pissed like he normally would, bruce chuckled and smiled at the sight of tim darting around the room, gathering both his bruce's notes and cursing every deity that existed (some of which bruce had met) for his alarm not going off.

they exchange numbers. personal numbers and bruce sends tim pictures and messages that have nothing to do with the job. telling him about a good restaurant that just opened up and would tim like to join him in trying it out.

bruce doesn't recall when the line was crossed. doesn't remember when he sent the first 'i miss you' text and tim replied with hearts and and 'i miss you too'.

there should've been an alarm that went off in bruce's head the same way it did when he got...too close to someone, too invested. there should've been another alarm going off about professionalism. about him making tim uncomfortable by putting moves on him. on the unfair power dynamics between them because what if tim was just 'reciprocating' because he didn't want to lose his job. on the danger inherently present there for himself. how tim could decide to stop it, how he could go to HR or the media and talk about how bruce wayne won't stop bothering him, coming onto him, making him uncomfortable.

but that thought hadn't even crossed bruce's mind. the idea that tim wasn't as interested as he was. the idea that they're doing something bad.

there's no way to spin their interactions as anything other than inappropriate. maybe that's why bruce hides it. why he uses a separate phone to talk to tim, why he doesn't tell alfred or any of his children about tim even though his chest begs to say things like 'today tim said, today tim did, today tim told me'.

he wants to talk about tim all the time with someone. wants to tell them about how wonderful he is, how amazing he is, how he just gets bruce. but something possessive in bruce always stops him.

because he doesn't want to share tim's existence with the world and because he doesn't want them to go digging and then frown at him with the judgement he knows would be there.

because tim is young.

very young. he's about three years younger than jason and eight years younger than dick. he's more than half of bruce's age.

bruce is so much older, has so much more life experience. he's tim's boss.

so bruce keeps quiet, keeps it a secret even though he's desperate for tim to stay by his side at all times. the hours in a 9 to 5 aren't enough. he want's to bring tim home with him. he wants to pack him in his briefcase like he does his paperwork and carry him home, he wants to lay tim down on his fluffed up pillows and stare at his sweet face as he falls asleep like he did that night in the hotel.

he wants to wake up and see tim's drowsy eyes as they blink open and squint at the light flooding the room.

he wants. he wants. he wants.

bruce moves into the penthouse. he tells the family it's because of a case he wants to more closely monitor.

bruce invites tim up one night, he makes him dinner using a recipe he'd closely studied and analyzed so there was no way he could fuck it up.

they share a bottle of wine and a piece of cake tim had bought from a bakery. bruce's eyes linger on the frosting coating tim's lips for too long, his hands clench around his fork when a pink tongue darts out to lick it up.

tim was pretty. very pretty.

he wore soft, nice clothes that fit his body so nicely. a-line skirts that fanned his creamy thighs and were likely much shorter than was approved by the dress code. tight slacks that showed off his every curve and tight little ass. bruce knew he didn't wear a bra to cup his soft little tits. he knew because he never saw a peek of its outline when tim wore white white shirts or tight tops that revealed the soft slope of his breasts.

but bruce got confirmation that night when he slid his hands under tim's shirt and felt the plushness of them. he rolled pink nippled between his fingers until they hardened and sucked on the buttery softness of them until tim was gasping.

bruce hadn't had a condom on hand. he hadn't planned it, he really hadn't. he'd just wanted to eat dinner with tim.

tim hadn't minded at all, begging bruce to fuck him harder, to fuck him faster. and tim was so small and bruce should've worried about hurting him, about preparing him well enough to take him but bruce hadn't he'd just fucked. his cock had ripped into tim until tim was arching and twitching around him, cumming from bruce's cruel fingers digging into his clit with a fury.

tim had gone boneless and then softly urged bruce to finish, to take what he needed. anything that he wanted, tim would give him.

it was a long night and by morning bruce had still wanted more.

when they were alone in his office, bruce would slip a hand under tim's skirt and pump a few fingers in him. at the copy machine, bruce would slide past and grope his tit. while tim poured him coffee bruce would have a hand on his ass. bruce waits until the office is empty and devoid of anyone including the cleaning crew before flipping tim's skirt up and taking what he needs.

tim is all too happy to give it to him, expression twisted in bliss and thanking bruce with every pump into him. 'thank you thank you thank you thankyouthankyou-'

bruce asks tim to move into the penthouse when the rest of the manor starts asking why he hasn't been back in awhile. even if tim's not with him, bruce will know exactly where he is and what he's doing.

bruce watches tim through the cameras. he watches as tim tidies up, as he irons bruce's suits for him. watches as he sweeps and dusts and starts up dinner than bruce will be joining him for. bruce tells alfred he has something to take care and to wrap his plate up, he'll take it for lunch the next day. bruce enters the penthouse like a husband home from a long day of work and kisses tim in greeting.

tim's place by his side is usual sight around W.E. at gala's 'bruce wayne's assistant' accompanies him. the media and dick joke about bruce working him to the bone. they still haven't met him. bruce keeps his tim in the penthouse and at home.

bruce's possessiveness hasn't waned and allowing the newspapers to get photos of them is just another way for bruce to stake his claim over tim. he's mine.

tim belongs to him. he stays in the penthouse like a good little wife and brue loves the sight of him when he opens the door but it...it's not enough.

there's something missing from the picture and bruce realizes it while he's rolling tim's soft hand between his palms.

"there should be a ring here," bruce tells tim softly as his cock is nestled inside his warm, wet, heat.

bruce makes the announcement three days later during a standard interview. the man with a notepad and microphone is wrapping up and he turns to bruce and the camera with a final question said jokingly.

"anything you'd like to add mr. wayne"

and bruce smiles, a genuine thing that has both the interviewer and the camerawoman faltering.

he replies with overflowing happiness in his voice.

"i'm getting married."

no one remembers what the interview was about, all anyone cares about is that one final line.

he's getting married. bruce wayne is getting married.

bruce's phone is ringing and buzzing with the amount of calls and texts he's receiving. his inbox if overflowing with emails from HR and Tamara Fox who is in charge of public relations.

press interview, in the morning. all the newspapers in gotham are banging at the door for it. bruce replies with some halfhearted agreement more focused on the sight of tim staring at the diamond ring on his finger with awe.

the press interview is...it could've gone better. if it was 20 years ago the vitriol and edges of disgust would've been aimed at tim. he would've been seen as a 'golddigger' a 'tramp'.

now he's a victim. and bruce is the big bad man that manipulated his 17 year old assistant into being his plaything.

one of the reporters ask if tim is pregnant and if that's why they're getting married and some part of burce shivers with pleasure at the idea.

tim fat and rounded with his child. his belly full with bruce's baby.

if tim got pregnant. he'd never be able to leave bruce.

the crowd goes silent at the smile that creeps across bruce's face and a tensed hush falls over them when bruce replied with a 'not yet'.

tim watches the interview and bawls into bruce's arms when he returns.

"did you mean it? did you really mean it?"

bruce spends the rest of the night showing that he did.

his family isn't happy with him. the justice league isn't happy with him. though the latter is gentler about it.

asking specific questions and making pointed jabs about bruce's age, remarking about how young tim is and isn't this all going a little fast?

"nonsense." bruce replies to that one. "we've known each other for three years now."

"and how long have you been together for those years?" clark asks, concerned furrow to his brow because the planet is running the story like there's no tomorrow. lois land has been encroaching on viki vale's territory and they're in the middle of some kind of dick-measuring contest.

bruce stares at clark and raises a brow at the less than subtle approach.

"we had sex after he turned 18 if that's what you're worried about"

and clark's face twists.

"bruce." he says later. "you have to know that there's something not right with this, don't you. he...tim is- i'm sure he's a wonderful kid but that's just it, he's a kid."

bruce knew his announcement wouldn't be well received. he knew he'd be burning some bridges but if a single person around him cared for him even an ounce as much as tim did- they'd understand.

bruce had been prepared to be disappointed. and he was.

dick is furious and jason is uncomfortable and damian is...quiet.

"his parents say they haven't spoke to him in three years bruce- do you have any idea how that sounds? that he cut contact with them after meeting you?"

dick is angry because he doesn't want to come to terms with the possibility that bruce was doing something bad under their noses.

"tim had already been estranged from them before he met me, you can check his phone records i have them here."

and dick's face twists when brue offers them to him.

bruce overhears jason talking to a tense alfred about it in the kitchen.

"he's younger than i am alfie, how could he think this is okay? i mean- shit you know i checked my yearbook because i recognized the name 'tim drake' since they're blasting it everywhere? we went to high school together alfie! he was timmy drake, the kid they kept beating up for wearing the girl's uniform!"

well that at least cleared the air on that because some articles had been less than kind in painting bruce as some kind of perverse boss that made his employees dress in skirts for his sexual pleasure.

bruce returns to the penthouse one day to see it trashed and immediately turns on the emergency alert while he searches the apartment with fear filling his throat. he finds tim roughed up in the bedroom with damian pointing a katana at his neck an demanding that he 'release' bruce from his spell.

dick is the one who talks him down while bruce fusses over tim who is begging bruce to not take it out on damian that he didn't hurt him at all and that's when bruce realizes his hands are clenched into shaking fists and there's an anger in him that has his jaw trembling.

jason is silent as he looks around. staring at the photos littering the bedside and around the penthouse, all the signs of its two inhabitants.

"you've had him living here with you. haven't you?" he asks, voice devoid of emotion. dick freezes and also begins to silently take in their surroundings.

bruce doesn't deny it, too focused on tim who has a small cut on his hand from the kitchen knife. he'd been in the middle of preparing dinner.

despite the backlash, despite the disapproval from the media, his family, and fellow heroes. bruce proceeds forward with tim.

tim will be his, in body, in soul, and in name.

selina pops up at one point, likely sent by the family to...reason with him? seduce him?

that hasn't worked in a long time and she knows it too. and given the reveal of tim, she finally knows why.

she stares at tim with cat-like eyes as he stirs bruce's coffee for him, adding just the right amount of cream for him.

tim is submissive, something she never was. when bruce tugged, she tugged back harder.

but bruce has grown tired of that game, of the effort.

he wants to take.

he just wants to take. and tim. sweet, beautiful, perfect tim.

he wants to give. he wants to give and give and give so that bruce can take and take and take.

they're perfect for each other. a reflection of each other. two sides of the same coin. soulmates.

selina is the first one to get it. but she frowns at it, something tugging at his expression and her brow. something that looks like concern and worry.

she doesn't say anything to bruce when she leaves.

she turns to tim and offers him a slip of paper in a handshake. she thinks bruce doesn't notice because she thinks she's too crafty for him.

but he does. he's always noticed.

tim hands him the note without a second thought when she leaves, not even glancing at it.

'if you ever need help call me xxx-xxx-xxxx'

bruce crumples it up and hands it back to tim who tosses it into the lit fire of bruce's office.

bruce's wedding day is beautiful.

invitations have been sent out and surprisingly everyone has turned out. but no one looks happy like guests at a wedding should be. tim's parents are there. equal parts sour-faced and concerned.

tim walks himself down the aisle.

no one gives him away.

because that would imply that they owned him and were gifting him to bruce.

no. bruce owned tim. no one was gifting him his own possession.

bruce holds tim tight the entire night, he never takes his arm off him at all once he signs his name on that marriage certificate.

janet and jack, in the same room for the first time since they divorce congratulate them with great relucatance, jack's eyes linger on where bruce's hands are on his son's waist and janet stares at tim with so much grief like she's watching her son march to his death which bruce, personally, thinks is overdramatic.

despite the moral objection, their wedding goes off without a hitch.

he supposed it's like people going to spectate a horrible accident. like watching a child play with a knife with morbid fascination.

the media says they won't even last a year.

but on the day of the prediction, rather than a separation or divorce, bruce welcomes his new baby to the world.

dick had gone green with sickness when bruce had announced that tim was pregnant. jason had glared down at his plate, fork tight in his grip, and damian's lips had pursed.

at some point they had accepted it. that this had been bruce's decision through and through. perhaps it was after wonderwoman tensely asked him questions with the lasso, a confused martian manhunter read his mind, and a quiet zatanna checked him over for magic.

no mind control. no compulsion. no signs of interfereing.

bruce had done this.

he'd dated, fucked, married, and impregnated someone young enough to be his child.

the media gets over it. eventually.

oh how fascinating, another rich douchbag marrying someone way younger than him. bruce and tim don't even have the worst age gap in gotham or hollywood or any upper circles.

it's just that...they'd thought bruce had been better than that.

the family and the league doesn't.

tim is rarely alone. he lives in the penthouse ever since bruce had him retire for the sake of their baby.

bruce watches them on the cameras as they check on tim, ask him if he's alright. they ask him if bruce ever...does anything to him. if he ever makes tim feel uncomfortable or make him do something he doesn't want to do.

tim has their baby in his arms as they ask him, as he's rocking or nursing him with careful hands, stroking his dark hair with all the tender love and care that he does with bruce, if he feels safe.

that if he wanted to leave, could he?

and tim stares at them with dreamy eyes and breathless sigh and asks them "why would i ever want to leave?"

and bruce's heart swells up with so much emotion he can barely contain himself.

tim never returns to work, even when their first child is old enough because bruce keeps him pregnant. he keeps him swelled with his children and plugged with bruce's seed.

he kisses his milk swollen tits and suckles sweet milk out of him with gentle sucks that have tim gasping as bruce pounds him full of more and more and more.

bruce gets a new email for his new secretary a few weeks later after tim turns in his letter of resignation.

a virtual assistant, freshly developed by lucius fox.

bruce shows it to tim half in amusement and exasperation because why would they think he'd do "what he did" to his new assistant. tim was special.

a one in a million case.

there was no one and would be no one like him.

bruce knows that people are digging around in bruce's past, trying to find a pattern of behavior but they wouldn't find any because bruce had never been at all inappropriate with other secretaties.

he knew they'd find something though.

they'd find the hotel room stays that started when tim was still 17 but bruce had been telling the truth when he told clark they hadn't slept together until tim had been 18.

that would lead to nothing. so would questioning tim's parents and friends.

they could dig and dig all the way until they reached china but they'd find nothing.

bruce loved tim. he'd never ever even dream of hurting him. and tim loved him in turn.

with all his soft hands and loving eyes and sweet kisses.

bruce watched in his monitor.

he watched as tim gently played with their squealing baby in the penthouse. watched as the sweet bump in his abdomen was lovingly pat.

bruce watched tim's eyes drift up and meet his in the camera and he watched him smile and blow a kiss at him with adoration in his eyes.

bruce was a damaged man. broken with cracks so deep they couldn't be fixed. he needed to own, possess, and control with a compulsion he couldn't resist and tim- his cracks were right in the same place to reflect bruce's.

but instead of feeling that itching want that bruce did- he felt an emptiness, a need, a desire to be owned.

they were perfect for each other.

no.

they were meant for each other

----

i love LOVED this just the drama!!! the tension!! the yearning desire and fulfillment they can give each other!!!!!

#anonymous #answered asks #asks #civilian au

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tokoyamisstuff · 2 years

Text

Are you happy, Strange? - Chapter 5

!Multiverse of Madness Spoilers ahead!

Stephen never opened up to anyone. Neither about his regrets of the past, nor his reoccuring nightmares of the future. But when a certain universe-traveling girl revealed that the woman in his few pleasant dreams is meant to be his Soulmate, he is determined to meet her.

Sadly, when he finally finds you, the Sorcerer has already been possessed by the Darkhold...

Warnings: Slight Angst, Self-Loathing

A/N: Reupload because Tumblr errors.

Taglist: @mkixx @cerene-ciderr @ghost-lantern @urmom0626

[Previous Chapter]

"I saw him smile; I saw his eyes tell me Drowned in a sigh; Stay by my side And suddenly, I was scared When I heard them tell me There's something off about that guy; And he's broken Come on, don't be silly; I beg of you, stop I'm sure that doesn't reflect what he really is But I saw him smile; I saw his eyes tell me That he'd love me to death; That he'd cherish me."

Indila: Ainsi bas la vida

"As I said, I have no clue what you're on about!"

You sat opposite to Wong, arms crossed in front of your chest as you leaned back in your seat. "Everything was going great until you guys barged in!"

"Didn't look like it to me." The Sorcerer Supreme groaned in frustration, your stubbornness and unwillingly to admit a mistake reminding him of someone else.

"Listen, uh...Y/N, right? There's no way that you broke out of my people's restrains without being sorcerer yourself. We won't persecute or punish you in any way, that's a promise. I just need to hear what really happened between the two of you."

To Wong, there was no logical explanation for you having been dragged into this mess, other than the little spiritual energy he could sense. And the fact that Strange brought you - a being with much potential - into his Sanctum to teach you only amplified this theory.

But if that was the case, then there was no reason to act in secret, and especially not to have you locked up in there. Knowing Strange and his addiction to control simply everything around him, it was possible that the Darkhold made him seek out even more power for himself, in order to 'do good and save people'.

However, after evaluating you, Wong was certain that your powers were less than average, and you were barely aware of them yourself.

So what use could you have for Stephen?

In the end, the Sorcerer Supreme had to accept that his old friend's behavior wasn't due to anything like that. No, the Darkhold had Strange falling into an obsession with the idea of being loved by you.

And in pursuit of said love, it onl brought forth the worst of his charakter in attempt to erase every eventuality that could take you from him.

"Where's Stephen?" you dared asking, nervously shuffling on the great armchair they had placed you in. It smelled like him. "Could you at least explain to me what happened?"

Wong sighed out deeply, hands folding in his lap as he replayed the past commotion in his head - disappointed in his own inability to intervene. He always had to put the fate of the multiverse in Strange's hands, only further burdening his friend with a responsibility that deepened his arrogance.

It was his fault at the first place, for having allowed things to get this far. Naive and releaved, Wong thought that after Wanda had destroyed all Darkholds across the Multiverse, Strange would be spared the aftereffects that cursed it's holder.

"In order to save the Multiverse, Strang used the Darkhold, an ancient book containing forbidden spells." You could hear Wong's voice wavering - this was certainly no matter to take lightly. "Using it however costs nothing less than the balance of one's soul."

"Like being possessed by a demon? So he's innocent of the crimes you're accusing him of!" Jumping up from where you're seated, you found yourself being watched by a pair of concerned eyes, worried that you were defending the man that had trapped you for six months. "What are you going to do now? Ca-can you help him?"

"The Darkhold exposes our greatest desires and temptates us to chase after them, no matter the cost" Wong explained furthermore, reassuring you. "If what you're saying is true and not just made up by a strickened mind defending her offender, then he already started fighting against it. Our best exorcists will assist him with this task."

"Let me see him, then." Your voice was firm and unwavering, a determined expression emphasizing your demand. "I need to!"

The Sorcerer Supreme seemed to be mentally debating something, the gears in his head visibly turning as you spoke. About whether it was alright for the two of you to meet again - for once, because he was unsure if this was really your wish, or just a traumatized mind making something up out of thin air.

After all, Wong wouldn't know what possible wrongdoings the corrupted Strange might've unfolded on you all those months, so maybe you'd use your twisted affection for him as a coping mechanism to process this past hardship.

Nonetheless, it could become even worse if you visit Strange in his instable state of being. If you'd seek him out, it might destroy all process, might only further feed his delusions.

Or you could be Stephen's only hope to become his old self again...

"You're going to erase my memories soon anyways, am I wrong?" Your words cut through the silence like a sharp knive, eyes relentlessly boring into Wong's skull. Neihter angry nor sad - simply understanding yet demanding compensation.

They had been talking in the hallways, you've heared it clearly - about that they cannot be sure enough. During your imprisonment, you might've learned wisdom of the Sanctum no mortal was ever allowed to set eyes upon. And even if they would be able to trust you, villains could easily find ways to make you spatter out secrets that could weaken the defenders of the Earth as we know it.

"Please, I just want to say goodbye..."

"...you have only today, then we're going to correct his mess." Before you were even able to thank him, the sorcerer opened what appeared to be a portal just through movemtents of his hands. Even in a world where alien attacks had become frequent events, it was amazing to see those supernatural things your Soulmate was tied to.

If what they were saying about you was true, would you one day be able to become a part of this?

Wong's voice got you down to earth again, harshly reminding you of what's to come. "Heed my warning, young woman: If anything happens, we're interfering. Even if we need to sacrifice him - for the safety of the Multiverse."

Your eyes flickered between Wong and the portal, gulping harshly when he nodded at you to walk through. Sheepishly, you set one foot inside after the other...

...marvelling at the sight that unfolded itself in front of you.

Standing in midst of the Kamar-Taj, an isolated place in the Himalayas, you found yourself surrounded by sorcerers and mystics alike - all eyeing you suspecting.

A sole wave of Wong's hand was enough to dismiss them, a kind-looking woman accompaning you at his order. She smiled at you with both sympathy as well as great concern, leading you through secret paths of the ancient temple. You were shivering, both due to the coldness as well as anticipation, feeling as if you could sense Stephen's intimidating presence from afar.

"The man you're looking for is behind this gate." It was like her voice drang directly into your head, subtle warnings echoing through your whole body - and when you turned around, she was already gone.

Taking another sip of mountain air, you tried using the aura of this special location to calm yourself down. Closing your eyes, trying to control both pulse and breathing and remaining there until you found yourself ready for this confrontation.

And then - with an odd ease - you pushed the heavy stone door open.

Ironically, this prison looked similar - an awful lot like the basement Stephen had kept you locked away back in New York. Stronger, however, meant to restrict something way stronger...and dangerous.

You gasped when you saw him, a battered mess of a man lying unconscious on the plain marble floor. Seeing the magical barrier between the two of you made you think it was hopeless to get any closer - yet when you put your palm on it, you could grip right through.

"The barrier will only hold these captured whose caster considers a threat. Everyone else can enter and exit as they wish" A voice in your head again, encouraging you to step inside. "Go ahead, we are keeping watch over you."

"M-May I?" you stumbled across your own voice, lips a thin line as you heared the stone door fall shut behind, locking you in this cell after all. For a brief moment, Stephen's eyes would open, sparkling at the recognition of your voice...

...yet they would fall shut immediately again, left completely exhausted by the straining procedure of extracting the Darkhold's energy poisoning his mind and body.

Crouching down to his height, you cautiously watched the man beneath. Every single one of his breath's sounded like he was in unfathomable pain, suffering endlessly even in his sleep.

You'd kneel down completely, gently tugging the man so his head would rest on your thighs. Absentmindedly, your fingers ran over his salt and pepper hair, whispering "It's okay, Stephen. I'm here. And I won't leave. You're doing great. I'm so, so proud of you!"

And really, the tension in his features instantly disappeared, body relaxing, almost melting into your touch.

Out of nowhere, the cloak of levitation you've heared so much about detached itself from it's master, spending you warmth while you both waited for Stephen to awake. You thanked it with a shy chuckle, wondering why they wouldn't have taken such an important item from him if they actually considered him a threat.

But hey, it was Doctor Strange either way.

"Fight this" you muttered calmly, insides twisting and churning at the realization:

You never actually knew the man that Stephen Vincent Strange actually was before all this - only ever the role he had played in order to have a normal life with you. And whilst you wholeheartedly wanted to believe that his affection towards you was genuine, this fact was only more reason to mourn what could never happen.

Because soon, they would erase every memory you had of this man, rip it out of you so you could not even wheep this tragedy.

„Come back to me - as whoever the man I will fall in love with truly is."

Several hours later, Stephen’s occasional stirring and wincing turned into a loud gasp, eyes snapping wide open as if he had just woken up from a long nightmare.

His eery appearance had almost completely vanished, but even so he looked more than lost as the memories of when his sinister, deranged side was in charge re-emerged.

Unsure what to make out of your presence and the purpose of your visit, it could very well be an illusion, cast by the remains of a broken Darkhold desperate to remain. It wasn't the first time during his imprisonment that vivid images of you came to punish him for his crimes - an aftereffect of the exorcism. You being here was simply too good to be true.

Shocked sapphire eyes followed your gesture as you wanted to embrace him, yet shooing away from your touch. "Y-Y/N?! What are you doing here?"

There you were, right in front of him and magnificent as always . Stephen reached out for you, wanting nothing more than just cradle you into his arms and never let go - but something inside of him held him back.

This was dangerous - he was dangerous, unable to trust his own mind! How dare Wong to so naively put you in harm's way?!

"I-I wanted to see you one last time, to-" Fumbling with your hands, you only mumbled the last part of this sentence. It sounds so stupid, considering everything that had happened between the two of you. "...talk things out."

"My love, we-" My love - the word that scared you beyond reason the first time you've heared him say it, now making your heart flatter.

Stephen however instantly regretted his choice of words, shaking it off as force of habit. "Y/N, you're confused, that's all. Because of my actions, my magic giving you all those memories with me. I can't do anything to make up for what I've done, but you need to leave now. Do you understand?"

Darkness seemed to surround him, sticking to him like his own shadow even after the Darkhold had let go off of him. Well, it doesn't undo his wrongs, after all.

Stephen was drowning in his guilt - you needed to pull him out of this!

„Does it still have an effect on me? The spell, I mean.“

„No, of course not.“ Bewilderment was present on Stephen’s face, seeing that your smile did not quite match your eyes. They gave it away, the sadness you were carrying. You were hurting - for him. Because of him, he misinterpreted.

"Then why do I still feel this pull towards you, huh?" You clenched the fabric of your shirt right above your heart, bitter tears spilling from your eyes as you demanded answers. "Explain this to me!"

Stephen found himself at loss for words at your outburst of emotion, unable to find any peace of mind no matter what you might direct at him. He expected you to never see you again in the first place, or you coming at him with aversion, spitting well-deserved defamations at him.

But here you stood, not even remotely mad at the man that had stolen six months of your lifetime - of your freedom - however, giving himself up instead of carrying on was unforgiveable.

Back then, Strange arrogantly judged Wanda and her rampage - but now he knew what it feels like to continue a madness you thought was no going back from. And he thought himself to be pathetically hypocritical if he would attempt to continue life as if nothing happened.

"I'm sorry." He bowed his head, but you declined his apology. "Don't be. You weren't right in your mind this whole time. You're not at fault here."

Strange deserved punishment, obviously - and the fact that he was making amends for his deeds should be more than rewarding for you.

Yet still, seeing him like this hurt almost as much as the thought to be separated from him soon. Before this happens, you must be sure that he would be fine without you!

"You- you never touched me inappropriately." Steve seemed almost offended by the way you held onto every convenient excuse for him. "I-I mean we've kissed, but...nothing more."

"Wonderful" he grid his teeth, clearly dwelling in his own pity. "Now we know that there is an unhinged, pathetic, homicidal sociopath somewhere deep inside of me - but god forbid not a rapist. Great."

"You know this isn't true." As far as you know it, at least. "Wong told me that the Darkhold strenghtens our negative characteristics. It tempates us to give in to our deepest, darkest desires. Twisting them into something sinister and vile."

But if this was the worst Stephen could come up with, then you concluded him to have one of the purest hearts of all. Possessing so much raw strenght, magical powers that surpassed all human understanding - and all his evil version could come up with was a domestic life with his Soulmate.

"You used the Darkhold for the sake of the universe, for the safety of countless beings." Your voice was an octave higher than usual now, his jaw clenching at the impact of your fingers on his chin. "Doing all this, even at the cost of your own soul...what a great sacrifice."

"I should've known better, be better! Find another way! What if I lost control, became a menace to the world?!" Always so harsh on himself, this much you could tell. And he could find no solace in you trying trying to defend his irredeemable actions.

Yet his scolding was in vain, all screams went on deaf ears.

"You should fear me! If not hate, then at least fear the monster that took from you!" Strange looked down at his trembling, scarred hands, that had caused you so much misery. "I ruin everything and everyone around me, because of my selfishness and inability to let go. But being with you....being with you made me feel less like a failure."

"Stephen, you are enough. More than that!" As he stopped resisting your approaches, you'd place your lips on either side of his face, wiping away his tears. "For me, and many more."

The sorcerer was watching you with an awestruck expression before he snapped, mouth crushing over yours in exasperation. Sobbing against your lips, he could only hope that his actions spoke for itself - his touch telling you all the words he cowardly left unsaid until now.

"I love you, Y/N. Even before we met, I fell in love with you."

"I know. Rest now, Stephen."

[Next Chapter]

#Doctor Strange #Stephen Strange #Stephen Strange / Reader #Doctor Strange / Reader #Self Insert #Writing #mom spoilers

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femmefatalevibe · 10 months

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Hey love, hope your well!

I’ve made a decision, but would love a additional viewpoint and I really respect how you can be compassionate with your answer’s while always prioritizing the individuals “self’s” needs.

I’m ending a 13 year friendship with a woman I considered my sister. There’s no hard feeling’s. There’s no hurt or resentment. There’s no feelings.

Throughout our whole relationship, we’ve had some few but intense fights (I was a very non confrontational people pleaser, she had narcissistic and explosive tendencies, so we would dance around each other inflicting as little damage as possible. She was the only person in my life I would have arguments with, and I was the only person in her life she would try to control her temperament with. It was weird but we both took us being each other’s exception as a sign that yeah, we love each other so we will make it work) and there where a lot of poorly set boundaries from my part and complete disregard from her’s, but one constant that both of us are aware of is that:

1. I only talk thing’s out when I have the intention of progressing the relationship. If I decide I no longer want to partake I up and leave. I’m where I choose to be, with who I chose to be (even though I was a literal trash can accepting literally anyone to fit the 3 close friends space lol). She was always my first choice. My only constant. I took her willingness of doing any and everything for the people she love’s as fierce loyalty (I never had that before) so I was willing to stick through any and everything with her to reciprocate it.

2. She has abandonment issues. If someone wants to leave her life she interprets it as a attack on her worth and will say and temporarily do anything to make the person stay. Tp change their mind. To try again.

So even though a part of me wants to be emotionally responsible. Want’s to sit down and talk about how we have been for quite a while on completely different roads, live by completely different standards and conflicting moral’s, have completely different desire’s and aspirations and dream’s because I don’t want to be one more person that “abandon’s” her, and would like for her to understand that my decision has everything to do with me and not her, she can and should live her life however she see’s fit, I also just don’t want to.

I don’t want to go through the harassment and call’s and be put in the position of having to talk her down of her despair. It’s the role I willingly took throughout our whole relationship so I understand why it’s expected of me even though for the last three years I’ve tried to shift our dynamic with little progress, out way of being is very conflicting, no matter how much respect, but I don’t want to. I don’t care to.

For the last 13 years it really was such a swinging pendulum on the she’s my platonic soulmate for life and I hate this woman to her guts scale, that I’ve just at some point reached total neutrality. I don’t feel anything. I just want to continue the emotional, financial, psychological and spiritual work I’ve been doing for the last 3 year’s. We have so much history that I completely understand why she can’t and won’t see me for who I’m becoming today, instead as the person I have always been in the past, but I don’t want to continue constantly having to reinforce my boundaries and deal with the clash that comes with that every. time. I’m tired.

I don’t want to save anyone that doesn’t want to be saved, I don’t even think I have the knowledge or capacity for that. I don’t want to change anyone, I don’t want to unnecessarily argue with anyone. I’m aware that my savior complex kicks in heavy when it comes to her but I don’t want that role anymore, I’m just so drained. I really just want inner piece and to care for myself.

I’ve received a work opportunity overseas and am so excited to just start fresh, I don’t have any other social media besides tumblr that I’m also going to deactivate to 100% concentrate on structuring my life, and I just want to pass my new number to my parents once I have it and desapear from the rest. I’m not even running away I’m just done with everything and want to start new. There’s nothing here I’m proud of accept the gradual distancing I’ve done of everything and everyone else that I no longer resonated with in the last 3 years and this opportunity came in the most perfect time.

I’m ok with being the bad guy of her story, of being the emotionally irresponsible, of being selfish even. But am I being cruel if I just disappear? That’s the only line I don’t ever want to cross. I’m having a hard time waving out my desires from my responsibilities.

Thank you so much for any input you may have, regardless if I like it or not! Thank you for your time 💌

Hi love. It's completely normal over 13 years for a friendship to outrun its course and realize you're two different people in the end. I believe, especially if you're already moving overseas anyway, is to not initiate contact but also be responsive if this friend reaches out and let her know that you're focusing on these transitions in your life, so you need to focus on dealing with your own stuff in this season of your life. Positively affirm your connection – I appreciate our friendship, I hope you're doing well with xyz things in your life type of thing, without going over the top.

Ultimately, if a relationship is draining your spirit and mental health to this degree with no signs of repair, you need to let it go. I think the only way you would cross the line of cruelty is by ghosting her. You can always say you don't have the energy for social conversations in general right now. Like you said, make it about you, not her.

Hope this helps xx

#femmefatalevibe #q/a

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pokeexehasstoppedworking · 1 year

Text

Important Plz Read

If this is your first time to this page I welcome you. Please read the rules below before asking anything. Masterlist of works will be underneath.

RULES

-I will not accept nsfw/personal asks. All asks like that will be deleted and blocked.

-I’ll post what I like when I feel like it, please be patient if waiting for content. Sometimes irl stuff happens and it takes time to make content.

-Will not accept controversial/gore/nsfw/sensitive topics and such other asks.

-Please be a kind person.

-Unfortunately I don’t do commissions or requests

-Reblogs, Comments, and Likes are greatly appreciated!! Your support helps to promote my works!

-If you’re a nsfw bot you’ll be blocked. Nsfw blogs pls don’t follow.

GALAR SOULMATE SERIES

A small series based around reader isekai-ing themselves into the game world of Galar and falling for one of the main league members.

ϞϞ (๑⚈ ․̫ ⚈๑)∩

Book 1: Love Doesn’t Do Encores- For as long as you can remember you've always had a hard life but add the fact you suddenly find yourself inside a game and that's just a whole recipe for disaster. But there's a slim chance once the game's story ends you can go home. All you have to do is wait it out. But what happens when you meet one gym leader who you manage to catch the eye of?

https://archiveofourown.org/works/29326827

(Book Status: Completed.)

Book 2: A Champion Time For The Heart- You used to love playing Pokemon as a kid! But sadly all things must comes to an end. Hobbies come and go. Or do they? The day before you're supposed to leave for college, you instead wake up in the very game you last played. Well great. But you're in luck! If Gloria or Victor manages to play through the game and win then you might get to go home once the game ends! But what happens when the strongest character in the game ends up taking a liking towards you?

https://archiveofourown.org/works/41795457

(Book Status: Completed.)

Book 3: Dragon’s Treasure- (A spin off from the first two books) Y/n L/n just wanted a quiet life for herself raising pokemon in her wooded cottage and running her secret shiny haven. But there was one problem. Dragon Boy wouldn't leave you alone. Ever since your first meeting in Hammerlocke he hasn't been able to get you out of his mind. What's a dragon to do but go after the best treasure?

https://archiveofourown.org/works/40207662

(Book Status: Completed.)

Book 4: Diamond In The Rough- (Another spin off from the first two books) It's all over. Y/n doesn't have to ever worry about anything ever again! Her friends are safe. Her pokemon are here. She's got new friends and family. And she never has to go back to her control freak, narcissist mother. So...what now? Well her original plan was to attend college so why not go to the Circhester Community College? It's a lot simpler than the colleges back in her world and it wouldn't hurt to get a degree! There's only one teeny problem. What happens when you managed to pierce the rock solid heart of the local gym leader?

https://archiveofourown.org/works/43316694

(Book Status: Completed.)

Book 5: Applin Of My Eye- (The final spin off from the first two books.)Everything was fine now. Eternatus was defeated. The bad guys caught. No more things to worry about...Or at least for Y/n. A small encounter with a certain farmer has made him realize that he never apologized for bowling her over with a wooloo. So when the woman who helped save Galar shows up on his doorstep with an injured wooloo he may realize that maybe he had some secret feelings he never expressed to her in the beginning.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/47448226

(Book Status: Completed.)

ϞϞ (๑⚈ ․̫ ⚈๑)∩

POKEMON ONESHOTS

ϞϞ (๑⚈ ․̫ ⚈๑)∩

Pokemon x Reader Oneshots- A few oneshots with some pokemon characters. Not very many but here regardless if anyone wants to read through them.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/23554213

(Status: Completed.)

ϞϞ (๑⚈ ․̫ ⚈๑)∩

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⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

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naminethewriter · 2 years

Text

Brothers and Secrets Chapter One: Coming Home

Masterpost | Next

Summary: Remus set out on his backpacking trip across Europe with a route in mind but no set time frame. So when he suddenly calls Roman as he's about to go to bed and demands to be picked up from the airport, Roman is rightfully caught off guard. As it turns out, Remus has experienced more in those two years than his brother had thought, not only getting himself a boyfriend but also a house to live in with said boyfriend.

There are many things Roman finds suspicious about this new set of circumstances and as time goes on, the mysteries pile on. Remus is hiding something, but what? And how will his secrets impact not only Roman's life but that of their friends Patton and Janus as well?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Roman was tired. Rehearsals had been long since the grand opening was only a few weeks away and everyone was nervous. Still, he was very proud of their progress! Most lines had been memorized and there were very few hang-ups anymore. The set looked gorgeous (of course it did, Roman had designed it himself), lighting was starting to look good, and the costumes came along nicely as well. And despite everything seemingly going smoothly… Roman couldn’t help but feel like something ominous was hanging in the air. Though he had no idea what.

Well, there was no use worrying about it. As much as he’d like to, he couldn’t control destiny. If he did, he’d be a famous actor, married to his soulmate and living in a castle. But he didn’t so he lived in his apartment, alone, an actor employed at a local theatre in a city nobody outside it really cared about. Not that it meant he had given up on his dreams but progress towards them was slower than he had anticipated.

Again, something he shouldn’t be worried about right that minute. He should worry about getting ready for bed. It was getting late and he had another day of rehearsals in front of him. So, he turned off the tv, stood from his getting-too-old-and-should-be-replaced-if-only-he-had-the-money-for-it couch, stretched, and made his way to the bathroom. He considered showering but decided against it; he’d benefit from it more in the morning.

He was in the middle of his daily evening skin care routine when his phone rang. Who would call him this late? Grumbling, he made his way back to the living room where he had left the device. He checked the number before accepting the call, but it wasn’t saved in his contacts and he didn’t recognize it either. Still, he was curious, so he picked up.

“Hello?”

“RO-BRO!” His ears rang and he instinctively held the phone away. He could still hear the other clearly. “How’ve ya been? Did I wake you up? Please tell me I woke you up!”

“You didn’t. But I was about to go to bed.”

“Fucking damnit. I’ll call you again in 30 minutes then.”

“Don’t you dare hang up!” Remus snickered on the other line.

“I missed riling you up, Ro-bro.” Roman rolled his eyes, already regretting having answered his phone.

“So why are you calling all of a sudden? Run out of money for postcards? Your last one came months ago, I thought they sent you to prison or something.”

“I was arrested a few times but they always let me out a day later.”

“Why am I not surprised?”

“Because you’ve known me since we were born? I’ve been arrested plenty times before at home.”

“I know, I know, no need to remind me. Now answer my questions so I can go to bed soon.”

“What questions?”

Roman groaned, massaging his temples with his free hand.

“I asked why you’re calling me all of a sudden.”

“Oh right! I need you to pick me up.”

“… Pick you up where?”

“The airport of course!”

“Which airport?”

“Roro, did you have an accident while I was away or something? There’s only one airport close to home. You dropped me off here when I left?”

“I’m sorry that I didn’t expect you to come back all of a sudden and demand that I pick you up in the middle of the night! Especially since you didn’t think it necessary to send word about your whereabouts for four months!”

“Whatever! Are you gonna come or what?” Roman groaned, already moving back towards his bathroom to clean his face from the face mask that he’d put on right before Remus called.

“Do I have a choice?”

“Sure! You could give me Pat’s number and I’ll call him instead.”

“As if I would let you disturb him this late! And why Patton specifically?”

“’Cause I already asked Janny and he said he wouldn’t do it.”

“You called Janus before me?”

“Yeah, I had his number memorized.”

“And not mine?”

“Nope!”

“So how are you calling me right now?”

“I asked Janny for your number and he gave it to me!”

“Why didn’t you ask him for Patton’s?”

“I did, but he wouldn’t give it to me. Something about him already being asleep and having to work early tomorrow.”

“I have work tomorrow, too, does that not count for anything?”

“Apparently not to Janny.”

“Ugh, fine! I’m on my way.”

“Cool. I’ll do ya a favor and start walking.”

“You will do no such thing!”

“Why?! I’m trying to help.”

“You do not have a phone and if we miss each other, I will not spend an hour driving around trying to find you! So, you’re gonna stay where you are, at the airport, and I will pick you up there, understood?”

“Wow, Ro-bro,” Remus whistled. “Where’d that tone come from? You a dom now?”

“Not something I want to hear from you! Just stay. I’ll be there in half an hour.”

“Ok.”

“Promise me you won’t leave the airport.”

“I promise.” Roman could see his brother roll his eyes but he didn’t care. He wouldn’t let Remus derail his night any worse than he already had.

“Good. See you in a bit. Don’t get arrested.”

“Now that I can’t promise~” Roman hung up before he lost his mind. Leave it to Remus to completely ruin his night with just one phone call. But at least he knew his brother was safe now. He didn’t like to admit it, but he was worried when the postcards stopped coming.

He quickly removed the mask, threw a jacket over his pajamas since he wasn’t going to get changed for this and grabbed his car keys.

On the way to the garage, he considered calling Janus to demand an explanation and get him back for setting Remus on him, but he decided against it. Remus would crash at his place for a while, that had been part of the plan, so he guessed one way or the other he would have been disturbed by his brother that night anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thankfully there wasn’t much traffic so late at night. Roman was at the airport within the assumed half hour and found his brother loitering around the parking lot easily.

Well, you would need to try really hard to not notice Remus. His time in Europe evidently hadn’t changed his taste in clothes. He wore a shirt with some sort of horrific artwork on it, a denim vest littered with pins and patches over it. His legs were wrapped in fishnets and booty shorts that barely covered his ass. Roman was surprised security let him through.

Remus spotted him pretty much as soon as he stepped out of the car. His face lit up and Roman could see that he still had that mustache that he refused to shave off since high school. And Roman wasn’t sure, but he believed there were new piercings on his twin’s face, though his hair still remained the same mouse brown as his own but with that streak of silver he liked for some reason.

All in all, Remus hasn’t changed all that much. Somehow that was a relief to Roman.

“Ro-bro! You made it!”

“Yeah. And you managed to not get arrested, I’m so proud of you.”

“Aw, thanks.” Roman rolled his eyes before he was pulled into a hug which he reluctantly reciprocated.

“You stink.”

“You know, you’re not the first person to tell me that today.”

“I can imagine. I feel sorry for whoever had to sit next to you on the flight.”

“Eh, she stopped complaining after the first hour.”

“Riiiiiiight. Anyway, let’s get going, I have rehearsal tomorrow and I need my beauty sleep.” Remus snorted but let go of Roman and moved to the passenger side. He threw his backpack on the backseat and then climbed in himself. Roman took one deep breath to steal himself for the drive back and to accept that his car was going to smell like his brother for the foreseeable future.

“So, are you going to entertain me with your travelling stories or what?” Roman asked as they left the airport parking lot towards the highway leading back home. His brother made a noncommittal noise, and he could see him shrug out of the corner of his eye.

“Don’t really wanna give the spiel twice, you know? Rather wait until we meet up with Janny and Pattycake.”

“Fine. Enlighten me at least about your whereabouts the last four months and why exactly you stopped sending cards?” Another shrug.

“Didn’t feel like it anymore. I can only write so many cards before it gets stale, ‘specially since I was staying in the same place the whole time.” Roman raised an eyebrow but kept his eyes on the road.

“You stayed somewhere for more than a week? That’s unusual.”

“I know but it was kinda nice. Having a routine and all that. I drew a lot in that time. Really improved, I think.”

“Sounds good. Where was that? I can’t remember the place you sent the last card from.”

“Liechtenstein.”

“Likt- what?”

“Liech-ten-stein. It’s one of those really small countries they have over there. Between Switzerland and Austria.”

“How the hell did you end up there?”

“It’s one of the places I was most interested in actually! All the small ones, honestly. Andorra, San Marino, Luxembourg. Think about it, countries in Europe are smaller than U.S. states! They’re so small! And these are even tinier! If I really wanted to, I could probably tour the entire country in one day!”

“Okay, okay, I get it. But why stay in Likten-whatever in particular?”

“Liechtenstein.”

“I’m tired, I won’t get it, just answer my question without trying to teach me the pronunciation of some obscure European country,” Roman groaned which got his brother giggling.

“I really missed you, Ro-bro. Nobody’s as fun to rile up as you.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Talk.”

“You’re so demanding today, is that normal now?”

“Remus, don’t make me stop the car so I can hit you in peace.”

“You wouldn’t be able to anyway. I’m quicker than you.” Roman groaned.

“Are you gonna keep this up for the entire time back home now?”

“Nah, just until it stops being funny.”

“I’m going to start ignoring you.”

“Fiiiiiiine, I’ll stop. Don’t be such a pussy about it.”

“Remus.” Remus rolled his eyes.

“I said fine!” A moment of silence. “What was your question again?” A louder groan than before escaped Roman but he didn’t complain again, it wouldn’t get them anywhere.

“Why stay in that country and not any of the others?”

“Oh, right! I met a guy!”

“A guy?”

“Yeah. I went to a famous club there, got a one-night stand and then met him the next morning.”

“So not the guy you slept with?”

“Nah, but they’re family and living together. Met him in the kitchen when I wanted some coffee before leaving. Needless to say, I stayed longer than I planned.”

“Of course you did.”

“They didn’t mind! The house was big enough for like 20 people and they lived there alone. I got my own room and everything.”

“And you just freeloaded there for four months?”

“Nah, I stayed there for like two before continuing my travels.”

“So you went back later?” Roman asked, baffled. He almost missed his exit. They’d be home in around ten minutes now.

“Of course. I needed to bring my escort back home, didn’t I?” It was so hard to resist the urge to punch Remus and focus on the road instead. Roman consciously had to unclench his teeth and grip on the steering wheel. His brother was so infuriating sometimes.

“You travel around with them?”

“Nah, just the one.”

“The one you didn’t sleep with.”

“I mean by that point I did.”

“Fine. You went travelling with a guy you met two months prior?”

“Yeah. He expressed interest in my route, said he hadn’t gotten out much the last couple years and would like to accompany me. Why would I say no?”

“Because he was basically a stranger? And you were on a continent with hardly any money and no phone or way to contact home? What would you have done if he left you somewhere in the wilderness with nothing but your clothes?!”

“Go feral. What else is there to do?” Roman let out a loud groan.

“I hate you and your stupid nonexistent survival instinct.”

“I would do better surviving out there than you, pillow princess.”

“Not what I meant!”

“Yeah, yeah. It was fine in the end, right? Besides, you don’t even know him.” Roman could feel his brother rolling his eyes and he clenched his teeth again in frustration.

“I don’t need to know him. That’s why it’s called stranger-danger.”

“Whatever. Logan would never, he has more class than you. After he came along, we always stayed in hotels and drove in his car and shit. Hell, I even bathed regularly.”

“Then why do you smell like that?”

“Because I wanted to,” Remus grinned and Roman once again wanted to hit him very badly. Instead, he just pulled into his street. Almost home. Almost able to actually hit his brother.

“I hate you.”

“No, you don’t.”

“I don’t, but sometimes I really wished I did.”

“That I can believe.” Roman parked his car in the designated spot in front of the apartment building he’s living in. They both got out and Remus stretched and yawned before grabbing his backpack.

“I’m so fucking tired. Jetlag’s gonna kill me, I’m warning you now.”

“Careful, that sounds reasonable,” Roman deadpanned and his brother cackled. They went inside silently; it was late and Roman was worried about his neighbors. Remus’ exhaustion must have hit him hard since he didn’t even argue. Inside the apartment, Roman sent his twin off to the bathroom while he prepared the couch for sleeping. He grabbed a bedsheet, an old blanket, and a cushion, pulled out the couch so Remus could spread out like Roman knew he’d do in his sleep and got to work.

“You brushed your teeth?” he asked when Remus came back.

“Who are you, our mom?”

“Just answer the question, you oaf.”

“I did.”

“Good. You’ll take a shower in the morning. I won’t let you crash here for potential months if you stink like that.”

“No need to worry about that. Already got a place to stay, it’ll just take like two weeks until I can move there. Goodnight.”

“Wait, Remus, what does that mean? How did you already find something?! Remus!” But his brother was already fast asleep and starting to snore. Roman rubbed his temples. This was going to be stressful, wasn’t it?

#namiswriting #brothers and secrets #chapter one: coming home #creativitwins #roman sanders #ts roman #remus sanders #ts remus #fluff #multichapter fic #sanders sides #fanfiction #reblogs are appreciated

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bluerosejuliet · 1 year

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Hiiiii!! so in the Bridgerto. Isekai AU you mentioned one spouse knowing how the original story goes and I have an inkling its Pen maybe through her Whistledown connections she hears of people talking about the future or doing things that are simply not of this timeline and etc but thinks its all wives tales or maybe notices that the timeline keeps getting messed up or in time loops and she doesn't know what's happening or what to do then suddenly the Isekai!Bridgertons pop up and redos the stories. And Penelope is so confused but intrigued because why are the Bridgertons suddenly going feral over the 2nd leads and not their hero/heroines??? Why is Eloise suddenly wanting to become her best friend??? And everytime Colin does or says something romantic she thinks its a fluke because surely her and everyone around her have been struck with some kind of curse and she's afraid that all of them are gonna fall in love with the Bridgertons (again) only to have the universe play a joke on them and have the bridgertons end up with the original main leads?

Lmao i dunno where I'm going with this but anyway love your AUs! 💖

Thank you so much! Three asks in one day, I'm so happy!!

You were right it is Penelope however, when I say Pen remembers, she remembers EVERYTHING. That also means she recalls how the original story was supposed to go the Agatha Danbury had written but the thief changed.

Originally, everyone (Bridgertons and spouses) had memories of the original timeline but they'd enter a mental fog that, when they were free from it for moment, found that things had changed. It was like they were puppets on a strings, unable to control themselves.

Anytime one of them tried to go off the new plot, everyone would wake up on the day of the debut once more.

As time went on, more and more just resigned themselves to this new path, resulting in them losing their memories of what the original timeline was. Colin and Penelope were the last two standing, fighting to be together as, out of all the Bridgertons, Colin knew his spouse the longest.

They've tried breaking the cycle each time but no matter what they do, the fog overtakes them and they are forced to play their roles. Penelope stopped keeping track of how many times she has woken up in her seventeen year old body, the morning of her debut. She's honestly tired and believes that this is a sign that fate is pulling them apart and her ever growing distant memories of the original timeline are but a dream.

"I'm sorry Colin but I can not do this anymore! We've tried, lord knows we've tried but it always ends the same! We should have given up and accepted our fates like the others," sobbed Penelope after Colin had returned from his honeymoon, desperate to be with the woman he loved and assure her that their love is real.

"You are my soulmate Pen! We've known this for years! We're just not doing something right. Maybe we missed something from the original-"

"Well maybe those memories are wrong! If we were meant to be it would happen. Perhaps it's time we start listening to the universe Colin," she whispered, stepping away from him as the tears fell down her face. Already she could see the world once more growing dark around her and as she watched Colin reach out for her, crying out her name she let the darkness overtake her, ready to finally accept her fate.

So when she wakes up in her seventeen year old body once more, ready to play out her part, she realizes that things have changed.

She's best friends with Eloise Bridgerton

Anthony and Benedict are not rakes

Colin is looking at her so similarly to the way HER Colin does when they are free from the fog that it scares her.

Penelope at this point is tired and has had to have her heart broken over and over and over. So Colin is going to have his work cut out for him because he's only aware of the messed up timeline and not the real one. So he has no idea why Penelope suddenly looks so scared. Out of all the spouses, she will the most difficult to win over.

The other spouses regain their memories gradually throughout as well, as the Bridgertons unintentionally set the timeline right again.

But one thing neither group is aware of the fact that even at that moment, the thief author is writing a spin off series, where the original spouses find their happy endings. Not if the Bridgertons have anything to say about it!

I hope this answered your question!

#bridgerton #Bridgerton isekai au #asks and answers

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thatgirllindsey · 26 days

Text

I am going to start writing about my transformation. So much of this blog has been repetition, sadness, and mental slavery. Today, I am set free.

I could not be more EXCITED, happy, peaceful, calm, content, and glad than I am now. It is because although I have had a lot of bad news in my life, today I am receiving good news. That is the gospel of JESUS CHRIST. I can tell you it did not happen overnight. No, I can tell you I was frustrated, felt ignored, sick, overcome by defeat, misguided, and still controlled and misled astray by Satan and his army. Let me tell you, he can be defeated and HE WILL accept his defeat. He knows he is running out of time, and he is down to his last and final tricks. I can tell you the good news is the gospel of Jesus Christ. The bad news is we have to deal with Satan..but don't get discouraged. This is the journey of every Christian. Remember, faith can help you overcome EVERY SINGLE obstacle in your life.

Let me give you some examples.

Divorce, sexual assault, trauma, death, cancer, homelessness, unemployment, and practically any misfortune I can think of.

The most traumatic life experiences ( I could be wrong) from my experience of trauma are 1. Divorce, 2. Not having parents ( in correlation with homelessness, adoption, think of orphaned children, etc.), 3. Sexual assault (Rape, sexual harassment). 4. Cancer. 5. Life-threatening accident.

I put divorce as number one because although I have never been married (as part of my script for MK trauma-related programming, my parents had a bitter divorce when I was 5 years old and could be in the same room together) I believe it is THE most traumatic experience a human can go through. I believe that men/women who are divorced (long-term and short-term) need intensive therapy and empathy, and they should be guided by a law enforcement officer in court and at home as well as monitored for depression. The entire process is a nightmare and leaves a scar that is a lot harder to heal than others. In the bible, marriage is supposed to be sacred. It is a deep soulmate/love connection to your partner. I mean, it is just the person you spend the rest of your life with, share your finances with, have kids with, and sleep next to. It is also a sin to lust for/seduce another person, commit adultery, and not value your marriage. Why are you trying to seduce other men when you are married or see that they are in a commitment? Sex offenders always are hungry to molest, and want more than they can have.

A lot of times, all of these are related somehow. For example, it could be having a long marriage to an abusive spouse that you divorced and have been sexually/physically abused by. It could also be a severe illness causing loss of job, homelessness, and more depression. It is a negative cycle that is VERY hard to break and be positive.

Those are my top 5. I do not think there is anything on this earth more traumatic than these life occurrences. All of these life experiences caused PTSD> a severe and life-threatening condition that is hard to cope with and manage. A lot of times, Satan and his minions can be behind these traumatic, awful, painful experiences. This is the bad news you have in your life. Every single bad thing that has ever happened, divorce, you lost your house, you lost your job, you got diagnosed with cancer, etc. Now let's talk about the good news......

We talked about trauma, depression, sadness, PTSD, and despair. Now let's talk about the good news.

The good news is you don't have to be sad anymore. You don't have to be depressed and feel like a loser. You're NOT a loser. God gives second chances, even third if you're heart is in the right place and you receive the message. Life is hard, and satan controls everything in this world and puts obstacles in our path. Rather, ask for help.

He is there to help you. What a relief. I know I need a lot of help. He is almighty, understanding, caring, and full of knowledge and wisdom.

And the good news is.....

He sent his son JESUS CHRIST to atone for your sins and help you overcome satan.

Just think about the pain and suffering Jesus endured... I know as an MK slave who has experienced complete disassociation, suicide triggers, and unbearable pain I can relate to Jesus. One day, we will live in his paradise where there IS NO suffering or pain. And we got there through JESUS CHRIST. That is the greatest news you ever heard? I know it is. It puts a smile on my face and heals the pain in my heart. Also, Jesus is there to help. These times are the hardest you will ever experience. These trials are incredibly HARD. Remember, you are not alone. Jesus is here to save us from this awful world we live in. From hearing about rape, suicide, murder, and death.

He is the GOOD NEWS. ANYTIME you want to resist a suicide trigger, overcome the pain of disassociation, KNOW WHO YOU ARE ( Satan steals identity), THINK OF JESUS. THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE, FRIENDS. AND YOUR RESOURCES ARE THE BIBLE OR THE BOOK OF MORMON. KNOW YOUR ENEMY, DEVELOP YOUR STRATEGY OF DEFENSE THROUGH THE SCRIPTURE. IT IS YOUR RESOURCE DIRECTLY FROM GOD, THE CREATOR. IT HAS ALL YOUR ANSWERS.

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nathank77 · 1 month

Text

3/29/24

5:04 a.m

So that mom from fb dating texted me one text. I responded in 20 minutes and I haven't heard from her since lol

I mean I couldn't have fucked it up that fast. She must have been busy momming. Idk lol idk how many kids she has, I'm good with 3. Anymore than that is kinda too much. I hope she responds. And I hope that if she does she's okay with how broken I am. I hope even more that she doesn't have a problem with a guy with glasses glued to his nose.... we will see if she even tries to talk to me anymore than this maybe she researched me and found out i was trans. Idk.

I'm going to try to go new Hampshire tomorrow and, "show up," for Katie finally. Just randomly drive to her house on Saturday and see what happens. She isn't my soulmate...

Maybe soulmates don't exist. All I know is I think Elise is mine. If she showed up for me I would marry her and give her foot massages, back massages, bring her kids everywhere. Spend time with them. Love them with all my heart. Have them be my children. I would have done everything for her but as for right now she won't talk to me. And for all I know she just wants friendship.

Maybe I'll end up with Katie again. I don't want to hurt Katie but I never showed up and I got to whether it's this Saturday or next to see what could have been. If we end up together I don't think it'll be any different or work out but I mostly expect her to be weird and get coffee with me and send me on my way but that's enough mental closure. I would build a relationship with Katie slowly but things would have to be different.

I have weird feelings. I want to wait for Elise but she's no where to be seen.. and as I wait I know that when Katie posted that bunny photo if I hadn't been talking to Elise I would have shown up for Katie but I was already in love with Elise and I still am.

Either way I got to do this for closure. Either way I know Katie isn't my soulmate. If anyone is it's Elise but maybe she thinks I'm "psychotic." Idk anything.

Maybe Reilly will work out. Maybe I'll be single for years to come. Maybe Katie will say she's been waiting and she still loves me. Idk how to respond to that... cause I am in love with someone else but would never say that.

If Elise had shown up I wouldn't need this closure but being i have all this time to wait and it's a possibility not a guarantee.. I might as well. If Katie wants to be with me I'll take things slow and see if it goes anywhere. I expect things to be different.

Although I know deep in my heart she isn't the one. But does anyone truly find the one? Or do we just find someone that works well with our personality that you have fun with and are comfortable with and just accept it'll never be perfect?

That she will never dance with me, or sing with me. That she will never have kids cause she doesn't want them. That despite our capabilities we have many incapabilities?

Idk. I really think Elise is the one and if I end up with Katie I will be unhappy, comfortable but unhappy. I feel like I need someone who will have fun with me in the ways I described. All i know is to close the door on Katie mentally is to show up unannounced.

All I know is I just want Elise to talk to me. All I know is if me and Katie get back together we won't work out.

All I know is I can't control anything

All I know is I'm in love with Elise. All I know is I think she's my soulmate. Yet i don't know if and when she will ever show up and in what capacity.

So I'm doing me. I'm afraid of hurting Katie but I can't close that door without showing up. I'll talk to Reilly If she responds..

And I'll always wish anyone I end up with is Elise. I truly think she's my soulmate but she's a married woman and I see no signs of divorce. So I'm going to do me and I'm going to wish everyone is her until I guess I find someone where settling for comfort as capability isn't the same thing as feeling like someone is your soulmate.

I always hated romantic movies bc deep in my soul I believe in soulmates. I also believe Nathan blanchette doesn't have a soulmate and if I did my soulmate is destined to be with someone else and if I'm lucky I'll find someone I can be comfortably happy with like a 4 out of 10.

Someone who would tell me talking about gaming annoys her. Someone who won't dance or sing. Someone who is compatible but not compatible at the same time.

I wrestled with my feelings for a while. Why wait? My only reason is I don't want to be with Katie. I want to be with Elise. And even if I take Katie back ill still want to be with elise. I'll have settled.

I'll be taking comfort over happiness. But maybe that's what love is? Settling for someone who is almost good for you but doesn't complete you? Idk

Yet it's my wildest dreams that she's my soulmate. And I only see her in my restless dreams.

If she read every word I wrote. Watched my videos. Posted on Instagram to me. Elise is my soulmate but I see her profile picture and that tells me I'm wrong and she's happy. Idk.

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dopaminergicaddictions · 2 months

Text

3/15/24

12:59 a.m

Why do I still think Elise is my soulmate?

I can't turn it off. This isn't transference. This isn't obsession. This isn't some pathetic longing and idealization of her.

I've thought long and hard about it. I don't idealized her. Why? She's a mom. She has been Mia. When she did talk to me she didn't give me much of her time. I know if she was ever my girl, she would be busy. Her kids would always come first rightfully so and I'd never have an issue with it. I know that would mean she would only be able to spend limited time with me. She would have to cancel somewhat frequently. All that would have to happen is one of her kids has a stuffy nose. The school called one got sick or has lice. She can't make it to my party cause she had the kids this weekend. She was supposed to come over but her ex husband got sick and the girls had to stay at her house this weekend. I mean I can't idealize someone like that. I fully accept if she was ever my girl she would be absent to a certain degree until I met the girls they liked me and we eased me into the family slowly. I can't idealize you Elise. I want you to know that. If you were ever mine I expect your kids and your job to trump me. I expect limited time. And a lot of cancelations. I truly do not love the idealized version of you I created in my head. This is the version of you that lives in my head. You canceling and be unable to make things. It being a regular occurrence.. okay so now that that's out of the way.

Let's go into transference. We haven't been therapist/client in over a year... to be honest with you okay I found you attractive since day one. Feelings however Took time. I did have feeling for you when I was with Katie. I believe they developed around the last year before that it was attraction and a desire to know you personally as a friend.. the feelings I had for you when it could have been transference were there but were not deeply felt bc of the relationship we had. I felt them but I was able to turn them off. They existed but for the duration of our therapeutic relationship, they were basically blunted as I could not let it interfere with the relationship we had. Then we became not therapist and client, and everything that happened led to those feelings becoming very deep. By the time you asked me, "do you think someone can fall in love with someone over web cam?," I was in love with you. By June I was so in love with you I couldn't turn it off which is why things got weird... this rules out transference on my end for a reason.

Okay now let's go into obsession, obsession is defined as, "When someone is obsessed, they've lost control of their feelings about the object of their obsession. The adjective obsessed is often used to simply mean "very interested," but when someone is truly obsessed, their interest has become compulsive, and they've begun to lose control over it."

Or, obsessive love is defined as:

"1) Overwhelming attraction to one person.

2) Possessive thoughts and actions.

3) Intense preoccupation with a relationship.

4) Threatening the other person if they leave.

5) Extreme jealousy.

6) Repeated messaging via text, email, or phone calls.

7) Monitoring the other person's actions."

1) If we go over obsessive love for all intents and purposes, I wouldn't call my attraction to you overwhelming. I think you're the most beautiful woman I have ever seen... however, I find many other people attractive and if I could get any of them to swipe right on me and talk to me I'd move on and stop thinking about you romantically. I'd still think you're beautiful but it would turn off. For me attraction has facets, looks and personality.. personality is very important and I know your personality and that makes you even more beautiful than your outside appearance. Idk any other woman who I find attractive that I know as a person.

2) possessive thoughts and actions? That's laughable. I don't own you. I don't even get to know you. If you were ever my girl, I'd "let" you hang out with either of your ex husbands alone all hours of the night. I'd be okay with it which is why I put let in quotation marks. You're not mine and even if you were my girl you'd never be, "mine." Women are not possession. People are not possessions. You could be mine and do you. Hang out with whoever you want. Do whatever you want. I wouldn't be allowing you. I'd be okay with it bc I trust you.

3) preoccupation with the relationship-okay I can't say I'm not preoccupied with the idea of knowing you. We met eyes Elise. There was something special there and yea, I want to find out you genuinely meant everything you said.. until I get closure or meet someone else I'm going to be somewhat preoccupied with this relationship that doesn't exist.

4) threatening the person if they leave- I don't need to write anything here. I didn't threaten you ever and I never would. I want you to be happy if we were ever together and you weren't happy I'd want you to leave me so you could be happy. I mean that genuinely.

5) extreme jealously- I'm not even jealous that I'd have to spend time with your husband... I would play on xbox live with him and get to know him. I'd break bread with him. I want you to be happy that's all I care about.

6) repeated emails/texts/etc: okay I emailed you twice. Once at 6 months, once at a year, no texts. No phone calls. I messaged you on Instagram bc I wanted to reach out to you socially. You couldn't even get a harassment case on me with the amount of times I messaged you tbh. Not that you'd do that but my point is I reached out a normal amount of times considering the circumstances. If for example we talked socially and you said I don't want to talk to you ever again, I'd ask why, and I'd ask to talk it out and then bounce out of your life. Even if you were rude and didn't provide much of an answer.

7) monitoring the person's actions: okay I watched your Instagram as a ray of hope. I did look at your fb. I'm not going to tread and lie. This is an honesty post here. Why did I do those things? I thought you had feelings for me and you were going to show up for me. Your Instagram was a ray of hope, sunshine in my dark life to be able to see through your eyes. Also I have psychosis and I convinced myself we were empaths bc your Instagram and my tumblr aligned... I decided it was coincidental and to be fair, there were a lot of them but- when I originally followed you on Instagram. I did it to support you. I did it to stay connected to you. Then the coincidences started to happen and I developed psychosis. Forgive me for this one. There will never be any more coincidences considering you blocked my Instagram and I don't watch your social media pages. Sometimes I look you up, why?

I look into your eyes and remind myself you're professionally constrained. I remind myself that I think the girl across that Webcam meant what she said.

So I went over all the things that could explain my preoccupation with you.

The only real answer here is I'm in love with you. I fell in love with the girl across the Webcam. It's not obsession. It's not transference. It's not idealization..

It's true love. Of course it's unrequited. That's okay bc I want your happiness. Even if you'll only ever be happy without me in your life.

The soulmate thing I can't turn off. Why? The coincidences. The question you asked me over Webcam. The eye contact. The way you showed an interest in the things I loved. The way you changed me into a better person. Cause you really did.

Anyways I'm trying to turn it off. I just can't yet. Idk when I will be able to but I truly want you to be happy.

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letters-into-the-endless-void · 2 years

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(!!) Letters to Fabi Alonso #23

August 23, 2022

Hi Fabi! I hope you’re happy and doing well. That’s a threat, by the way.

I don’t know your current state. I don’t know if you’re still being bothered by other things. But how do you feel when you think of me?

I won’t accept anything other than pure bliss and contentment in the fact that you cut me off. You’d better be happy with your decision, confident, and know that you wouldn’t have it any other way.

Because if you have one bit of regret in you, if you miss me in any fucking way, but you chose that misery, I will haunt you for the rest of my life.

I’m okay if my sadness means you’re happy. I’m okay with that, because I love you, and this is my problem. It’s my consequence to deal with, albeit out of my control. But if you’re not happy, and my nearly 2 months of suffering has been worth absolutely nothing, than you, Fabi, are evil.

For some reason, possessed by some need, I read through one of our conversations today. An earlier one, from November. By then, I had already loved you. You already meant everything to me. We were talking about feitian, and then it somehow went to bai qi and han xin, because I was an idiot, and mistook li bai from the wangzhe xinbai ship for bai qi. I scrolled, and I felt so suffocated, like I couldn’t breathe, but I smiled and laughed, and it was the most genuine smile I’ve made since early July. The giddiness and feeling of “I’m the luckiest person in the world” was there, and so real, as I looked at how happy I once was, and still could be when I looked back.

But the more I smiled and giggled, the tighter the feeling in my chest got.

It’s the first time, I think, that I was able to look at our past conversations and derive joy from it. It’s not only a bad memory anymore. But the more I think of you and laugh, the more I want to cry.

Is that closure? Is this what closure means? I don’t know.

Subconsciously I’ve started calling you my ex, even though we didn’t have that kind of relationship. I think it’s just easier. “My ex online friend that I loved more than anything in the world and dedicated my life around and also we called each other soulmates” is so long.

Oh, right, and I realized we were actually together for 10 months, not 8. I think that I once mistook there to be 10 months in an year and counted 8 months between august and june, and just rolled with it. But no, it’s 10, huh. Almost an year.

I had always thought I’d figure something out for our “first anniversary”, as in first day of watching jimi. Anniversary of our discord.

Hey, in the past conversations, you said that, the next show we would watch together, would be shuangbi. That’s a promise, okay? Even if shuangbi never comes out. Even if I have to haunt you down in the afterlife to watch it with you.

Damn, I hope you’re alive and fine.

I’m in a really petty and self-confident state right now, and here’s my decree:

I’m going to keep writing these letters. And you know what, I will never stop trying to reach you either. If you want me to stop, you come to my face and tell me to stop. If you keep ignoring me, I’ll just keep trying. If you never see anything I try to show you, I’ll keep trying.

Come, Fabi, and tell me you’re happy. Let me know you’re alive, and good, and happy, and have no regrets. Until I know that you’re living your damn best life, I will haunt you like a ghost, no matter how much you may hate it.

I’ll respect your boundaries when you set them. You never told me to stop talking to you. You said You wouldn’t talk to Me.

I’m rude, I’m selfish, and I’m basically throwing a temper tantrum here. I think it’s unfair that at this point everyone, everyone I’ve ever dared to call a friend or even a close mutual, a soul I cared for on twitter, has forgiven me, but the one person I would give up everything for to be happy is somewhere out there, and I don’t know what is going on.

I’m going to be so annoying from now on. And the truth is, I’m actually not that strong. The moment you tell me to stop, I will break from the inside out. But to be honest, that’s probably what I need. If you hate me, come shatter my fantasies. Let me give up on any hope. Please.

I’m sorry in advance. I know I said that I should be good for you, and let you be, and this will probably just make you hate me, but, Fabi, I’m just so lost and so tired.

I’m pathetic, I’m a loser, I know.

- Your Ex-Zhiji, Avro Lanca

#fabi alonso #letters to fabi alonso #letters to fabi alonso 23

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heliads · 3 years

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Crows

Everyone has a symbol on their palm that somehow relates to your soulmate. You have a crow, which led to you joining the Dregs in Ketterdam. Every Dreg has a soulmate symbol that in no way relates to you- except Kaz Brekker, as no one has seen his palm at all.

masterlist

You stare at the crow inked into your palm. It stares back at you.

You hesitate for a second longer, then snap your hand shut, letting the unblinking eyes of the black bird disappear back behind your fingers. This is the price of a soulmate, of wandering too far from your home and never finding the one person you were meant to belong to. This is the price of being a canal rat, a Grisha, of being anybody still foolish enough to believe in a soulmate in the midst of all this darkness.

Soulmates may technically be real, but people only believe in them as much as they do Inej’s Saints, or anybody else’s long-held dreams. Between the wars and Shadow Folds springing up across the world, it’s getting pretty hard for anyone to find their soulmate at all. It’s supposed to be simple- one mark on each person’s palm to designate their soulmate, a mark that will disappear at the first touch of their hand on yours. Sometimes, you wonder what mark would be on your soulmate’s skin: a flame or sparking coal, maybe, for your branch of the Small Science, or a skull, for all the death that seems to shadow your path.

The crow has been on your palm for as long as you can remember, as long as anyone has ever had a soulmate. It was there when you were born, but judging by your trend in luck, it’ll probably be there until the day you die. Soulmates aren’t for girls like you, girls who flee their homes to trade a life amongst the Grisha for a death in the gray-streaked streets of Ketterdam.

You were born an Inferni, that much is true. You witnessed the Ravkan civil war, and you were there to flee it for safer tides. You weren’t sure what cruel twist of fate landed you in Ketterdam, one of the worst places for a Grisha, but you were at least able to keep your identity a secret. You’d seen what happened to the luckless Grisha trapped inside neverending indentures, and you know what tortures would await you if word of your firestarting habit got out. So, you never spoke a word, and pretended you were just another otkazat’sya traveler in need of safe harbors.

You hadn’t been wandering the canals long before your path turned into the Barrel. It wasn’t an intentional choice, just an eventual fate that you would end up in the worst part of the twisting sidestreets. There was no escaping the Barrel, not unless you were a wealthy mercher or some other lucky sap who the Saints blessed with the ability to avoid getting dragged down into the muck like everyone else. You learned the names and locations of all the gangs like everyone else: Black Tips, Dime Lions, and most notably, the Dregs.

Your breath had caught in your chest when you heard of them. They frequented the Crow Club, some were called the crows themselves, their leader had a crow on his cane. Everything seemed to point in a glaringly obvious arrow towards your soulmate mark: a crow for a crow. Where else could you have ended up?

You knew better now. You had met Kaz Brekker, the boy with the crow cane, and you knew that any chance of finding a soulmate among his crew was near impossible. You had been walking home after dark one night when you found yourself set upon by a duo of thugs. Not Dregs, possibly Dime Lions with a bone to pick, angry that the Dregs had such control over the pigeons of Fifth Harbor. They had been expecting an easy mark, somebody they could thunk over the head with a pair of brass knuckles and walk away without a scratch. They weren’t expecting you to beat them into the dust in a matter of seconds.

No matter your status or location, you were still a Grisha, and you’d been trained by Botkin long enough to be able to defend yourself. When the goons were finally laid at your feet, unconscious, you had allowed yourself a moment to smile. It was easy to feel low, a gutter rat in the canals of Ketterdam, but being able to use your fists again almost reminded you of the training halls at the Little Palace.

Enjoying this one brief memory, though, was a slip that you shouldn’t have made. When you looked up, you weren’t alone- a boy stood before you, gloved hands clasped over a crow’s head cane. You didn’t particularly know who he was, or make the connection between him and the Dregs, and moved to get out of the alleyway before he decided to make the same mistake as the thugs. He had slid his cane in front of you, fast as lightning, stopping you in your place. “I think we should speak about your future in Ketterdam.”

You were annoyed at this sudden interruption. “I think you should leave me alone.” You had retorted, using your hand to move his cane back in front of him. You had also been irritated, both by the fight and this boy’s brashness, and slipped your hand into his pocket for just a second to retrieve a newly shined pocketwatch. No one could have possibly seen it, this tiny movement, and the boy certainly didn’t, as he let you pass without another word.

You were still grumbling when you got back to the ramshackle building you called an apartment complex, and your landlady had raised an eyebrow when she saw you. “What, have you finally realized that it was a fool’s errand to come here?” She asked, and you shook your head. “No, just bothered by some guy with a crow’s head cane. Weird prop to carry around.” The woman had blanched, face suddenly seeming to age a decade in a second.

She had bustled over to you, voice low as if terrified that the boy might be able to hear her. “That’s Kaz Brekker, you fool. He runs the Dregs. Saints, he might even run this city.” She had hurried away from you then, forcing herself back to her work. Even then, you had known she was wrong. There was nothing the Saints could know about Kaz Brekker, nothing they could even hope to involve themselves in.

You had shaken the experience away, climbing up the stairs to your apartment. When you pushed open the door, however, you saw that you were not alone. The boy from earlier was back, this time leaning against the far wall. He gestured for you to close the door, which you did, albeit hesitantly. You had no idea how he got in- you had changed the locks when you first arrived at the apartment all those weeks ago, barred the windows, made it impossible for anyone except you to make their way inside. Yet here he stood, with knowledge of both where you lived and how to get there before you. It was impossible. Well, impossible for anyone except Kaz. The Barrel was his home, after all, and you doubt Dirtyhands had ever bothered to knock.

His fingers tapped the crow’s head of his cane. “I don’t think we quite finished our conversation. You could do more than just wash dishes, you know. The Dregs could always use a new member. That, and I’d like you to return what you stole from me. I’m impressed, actually. No one is that good at pickpocketing except me, and no one would try something that daring except for, well, me. I think you’d fit in nicely with my gang.”

You had folded your arms across your chest. “And I’m meant to believe that my pickpocketing was impressive enough to warrant a visit from Dirtyhands himself?” Kaz had shrugged, the movement stiff in the darkness. “You can believe whatever you want. I just want to see if you’ll take a good offer when you see one.” After a while, you had accepted, and Kaz had left, but not before whispering something in your ear. “If you steal from me again, I will cut off both of your hands. I don’t tolerate theft, not from me.”

You had heard enough threats to know that he meant good on this one. As it turned out, however, Kaz would not have to fear theft from you again. You found a home amongst the Dregs, a home you weren’t likely to give up due to the thrill of pickpocketing Kaz Brekker. You had a room at the Slat, a place at the table, a voice in the masses. It was something you weren’t willing to trade away.

Even amongst the many crows of Kaz Brekker’s gang, however, you still couldn’t let the issue of your soulmate go. You can remember one night, late into the night’s bells when you, Inej, Jesper, Matthias, and Nina had all made the journey up to Kaz’s office, slumped against chairs and floorboards and chatting the night away. Kaz was sitting at his desk, apparently doing paperwork, but you did notice that he kept coincidentally chiming into conversations even when he said he wasn’t paying attention.

At some point, Nina steered the conversation to soulmates. She held up her now blank palm, proclaiming that at some point it had held a wolf’s head. She had been terrified, she said, terrified that she would have a drüskelle or some other weirdo for a soulmate. Matthias had acted affronted at that, but if he was feeling particularly charitable he might relent and tell the gathered Crows about how he’d had a heart on his hand, and how frustrated he’d been when it had disappeared the second he’d locked Nina away on that slaver’s ship.

Nina had turned to Kaz then, intent on poking the bear and having some sort of fun that night. “So, Brekker, what’s your soulmate mark? Or do you not do that sort of zealot human thing we call soulmates?” Kaz had raised his eyebrows, looking distinctly bored. Of everyone in the room, you’re pretty sure that only you and Inej would be able to tell that he was holding back a smile.

“I’m not entirely a monster, Zenik. I do have a soulmate.” Nina had leaned forward, intent on clarification. “Then what’s the mark? We can’t just take a gander at your palm, remember? They’re hidden by your gloves.” Kaz had let his papers fall back to the desk with a thunk, turning to her with an expression laced with both exasperation and studied disinterest. “It’s a fire. A small flame. Happy?”

Nina had looked fascinated. “Beatific. I wonder what that means. An Inferni, maybe?” She wiggled her eyebrows at Kaz. “Maybe it’s supposed to show that they’re devilishly attractive. Really hot, get it?” Kaz had made a sound that was either a dry cough or his best attempt at a laugh. “Hilarious, Nina. I see why you’re a Heartrender- you could make a person want to die based on your jokes alone.”

Nina had acted affronted, making sure everybody knew that her jokes were hilarious, thank you very much, but you couldn’t help but think about the repercussions of this. What if Nina’s first guess was right, and Kaz’s soulmate was an Inferni, like you? If your tattoo was of a crow, and Kaz’s was of flames, then surely it was too much to just be a coincidence. You’d never know, anyway, because soulmate marks only disappeared on flesh to flesh contact. Kaz always wore gloves, so you’d never find out the truth. Besides, you remind yourself, the chances of this were superbly unlikely. A crow could mean anything, so could a flame. You need to stop getting your hopes up.

Despite the possibilities and impossibilities, you’ve still been running with the canal rats long enough to know that you can’t dwell forever on what might have been. You’re a Dreg now and you need to focus on that instead. When Kaz announces an upcoming settlement with the Razorgulls, yet another one of the gangs that roam the streets of Ketterdam, you’re eager for a chance at something entertaining after a long while of nothing. Kaz will meet with the leader to negotiate their way through a claim on the various pigeons coming and going from the harbors, and that will be that.

However, this is the Barrel. Negotiations are rarely easy. This is why, when Jesper arrives as Kaz’s second, he’s shunted aside to a separate room to stay out the duration of the meeting. Kaz and the leader of the Razorgulls are on the opposite side of the street in an empty courtyard, far away from any help should they need it. Kaz was prepared for this, as always, and set up a plan. Inej will shadow Jesper, making sure that he’ll have a way out if he needs it, and you’ll be shadowing Kaz himself. You’re not sure why Kaz chose you instead of his faithful Wraith, only that he rarely makes decisions based on nothing and you would do best to follow his judgement. The times he’s let you down are few and far between.

You and Inej split up, staying amongst the rooftops to avoid detection. She follows Jesper and the Razorgulls’ second into a crowded tavern, and you head towards the abandoned courtyard. Ahead of you, Kaz’s cane taps against the crooked cobblestones as he wends through desiccated hedges and marble statues severely lashed by time. The Razorgulls’ leader is waiting for him there, but you can’t follow now. Instead, you stick to the edges, climbing stairs and making your way into the empty buildings that watch over the courtyard like silent sentries.

You’re not sure what trouble you’ll be walking into, only that it will exist in some crooked form. There’s no logical reason the Razorgulls would want the seconds in another building unless they were planning something, and no reason Kaz would agree to this at all if he wasn’t sure you could have his back when he needed it. As you creep along the buildings, keeping a careful eye on the proceedings through the few broken windows, you notice that the two gang leaders have begun to speak. You can’t quite hear what they’re saying, only a few whispers here and there.

You’re just rounding a corner, ready to make your way into a neighbouring building, when the lights flash off, landing you in darkness. Instantly, you panic. Lighting is scarce here, only the moonbeams and a couple of oil lamps, but there’s no reason they should have shut down this quickly. You hear footsteps on the stairs, along with two pairs of voices: Razorgulls, discussing how important it is to stick to the shadows so Brekker can’t see them.

Your heartbeat thuds in the dark as you realize they haven’t spotted you yet. In fact, they have no idea you’re there at all. When Kaz was giving directions for the negotiations, he specifically told you to make sure that you weren’t seen, even if rival gang members showed up. If you want to go along with his plan and make sure he lives to see the end of this shoddy deal, you’ll have to stay in hiding.

This, however, is easier said than done. If the lights were on, you would be able to see the wooden beams of the floor and tell which ones would creak and which wouldn’t, which large shapes of furniture to avoid and which holes in the floorboards you should step over. A chill washes over you as you realize what you’ll have to do. You move your fingers together, quick as scraping flint against steel, and a small flame materializes at the pad of your index finger. It’s small, barely visible to anyone except you, but it’s enough to help you get out of the room before the Razorgulls notice you.

Even as the thrill of using your Grisha power after so long sends a charge of energy through your veins, you can’t help but feel uneasy. The only reason you’ve been able to survive in the Barrel and avoid unwholesome indentures is because you never used your power, not once. Even if it was necessary, this still feels bad.

You’ve found a new hiding place in the corner of the room and move to extinguish your flame now that it’s no longer useful. However, it’s been too long since you last used your powers as an Inferni, and your concentration wavers. The flame grows brighter and you start to panic, eventually clamping down your mind and forcing the fire to disappear.

The disappearance comes too late. The Razorgulls have seen some light in the shadow that wasn’t supposed to be there and are now edging your way, careful not to let you out of their sight. You have no choice but to take them down, standing over their unconscious bodies and feeling a wave of nerves crest over you. Kaz specifically said not to mess with the gangs, but you had no choice. You can only hope that this won’t ruin his plan too much.

Quietly, you step through the room and unlock a window, letting the panes move open in the wind. Now, you can hear the voices echoing up from the courtyard, and your heart sinks as you realize that things aren’t going well. The leader of the Razorgulls has revealed his ace in the hole, that he’s got guns trained on Kaz right now. Kaz just laughs, the sound as cold as rocks scraping against a ship’s hull, ready to damn a hundred men to the depths of the ocean.

“Do you, though? Who are the men you sent up- Dirk Struik and Niels ter Avest? Your coffers may be deep, but mine are more extensive. Gentlemen, take down this man, if you please.” Your stomach twists as you realize Kaz was counting on the men you just knocked out. Without them, he’s alone with a man pointing a gun at his skull. There’s no way around this- you’re going to have to break your most cherished rule again.

You thrust your palms out in front of you, letting tendrils of flame arc out of your hands and cascade onto the leader of the Razorgulls. He twists in agony, burns appearing on his skin. He only suffers for a moment or two, however, until he becomes unconscious due to the pain. Kaz’s head jerks up, staring at you. You don’t think you’ve ever seen Kaz Brekker truly surprised, but he most certainly was not expecting this.

You don’t think there’s anything you can do except try to explain yourself. You jump down from the open window, letting your heels land lightly on the stones of the courtyard. Kaz seems frozen in place for a second, then moves forward until you’re standing only a few feet apart. Your breath comes wild in your chest. Kaz speaks after the longest of moments. “Where were the guards?”

You hold up your hands uselessly. “They saw me. I had to take them out.” Kaz’s eyes dart to your palms, faster than a sharpshooter pulling the trigger. He takes in the smoke still curling around your fingers, then the crow mark in the middle of your hand. When he speaks again, his voice has lost its icy edge. He just sounds like a boy again, young and confused.

“You never told me you were an Inferni.” You sigh. “It was a secret I needed to keep. You know what happens in the Barrel, the indentures and the tortures. If I used my powers, I would have died a long time ago.” Kaz jerks his head in a harsh nod. “I don’t blame you for surviving. We have all committed worse crimes to live” Your voice gains a confidence it didn’t have before. “Then what do you blame me for? You’re upset, anyone could tell that. If it’s not with me keeping my Grisha abilities a secret, then what is it?”

Kaz hesitates, as if pulling himself back from a yawning chasm. “Me.” You stare at him, at the indecision wracking his brow, then at the way he’s pulling at the glove at his palm. His hands almost seem to shake, like he’s still not sure that he’s doing the right thing. He pulls the glove off, inch by inch, seeming to dread every second that his hands aren’t covered by the black leather. At last, you see it- the mark on his palm, the flame sparking into being right there on his hand.

He reaches out tentatively. “I need to know.” He manages, and at last you understand. You move your own hand slowly, stopping when it’s only a few inches away from his. Kaz squares his shoulders, as if preparing to jump from another broken building, then closes the distance and lets his hand rest lightly on yours. As you watch, your soulmate tattoos shimmer for a second and then vanish, erasing from your skin as if they’d never been there at all.

Kaz lets his gaze linger on the empty skin of your palm, and then he seems to come back into himself, snatching his hand away like he’s flinching from a blow. You can see it in his eyes that he regrets this, that he can’t keep his hand there, but you understand. You can understand quite a lot from him.

Kaz’s voice is like the grating of metal. “I’m not somebody you want as a soulmate. It won’t be easy. It won’t be good.” You laugh quietly in the night. “If I wanted something easy, I would have never come to Ketterdam.” Kaz nods at this, something almost like relief in his eyes. “I’m not going anywhere.” You manage. Something almost like a smile flits across Kaz’s face. “Good. We have much to discuss.”

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