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nimuetheseawitch · 14 days

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lol i know all the tgm ones so tell me more about john dies while rodney is back on earth

You probably know almost as much about all the TGM ones as I do, lol.

John dies while Rodney is back on Earth breaks my heart, which is why I haven't written much of it. The working title is pretty much the premise: John dies while Rodney is on Earth with Jennifer, and Rodney comes back for the funeral and never leaves. Everyone is 1000% certain John is dead (there's significant proof) and Rodney is wracked with guilt that he wasn't there. He starts seeing John out of the corner of his eye everywhere he goes and struggles with what is real.

Going through the notes has been actually pretty great because I love some of the details I came up with, like: he doesn’t date and instead focuses on his friends. Radek is a little annoyed.

But, uh, here's a snippet. It made me feel a lot of things again.

He doesn't intend to move into John's quarters. That first night, it was where he and Ronon and Teyla drifted to after he went to see the body. It was right to fall asleep together on John's couch after the yelling (Rodney), the quiet tears (also Rodney), and the reminiscing (first Teyla, then Ronon, and eventually Rodney). But then he just never leaves, and Woolsey never mentions assigning him different quarters. Rodney hadn't been surprised that Woolsey was the executor of John's will, but he is surprised by the contents. He's not surprised that John's shares in Sheppard Industries go to Dave's kids, but his heart breaks when Woolsey tells him about the trusts John set up for Madison and Torren. He barely registers that he has inherited all of Sheppard's worldly goods, from his surfboard to his battered copy of War and Peace because he's just read the numbers on the statement for Madison's trust (how long ago did John set this up? When did Madison become John's family too?) and is having a hard time breathing. Woolsey gently reminds him of where he needs to sign and then leaves him in the conference room with a reminder that they'll be meeting about funeral arrangements in the afternoon. Rodney surprises himself as much as Woolsey when he hugs him. He has to leave after that to spare the both of them from talking about it. The hallways of Atlantis are warm and familiar, and he runs his fingers along them while he wanders. The psychiatrist, whose hair isn't red or blonde and whose name isn't Kate, but who he submits himself to seeing regularly after he hears that John kept his regular appointments with her, asks him again about his 'conversations' with Atlantis. She's convinced he talks to Atlantis because he needs to say something to John. He's pretty sure that's true, but also that he needs to share his grief with someone, and Atlantis is grieving as much as he is.

#wip game #sga wips #the pile of emotions i am buried under right now is why i had to stop writing this fic #someday i will be able to do it

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multiplicity-positivity · 8 months

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I kind of like being plural but omg I wanted to know so much what it feels like to not be dissociated... I really wanted to know what it feels like to feel something and feel like you are you and I wanted to know what it's like to have a strong sense of identity and I would give the world to have a consistent personality and feel like my body. I wanted so much. the worst part is that even when i was a kid i didnt feel different, i remember having so many problems with dissociation back in the day and even though i am thankful they are not strong, is it too much to ask to know what it feels like to NOT feel this way? Is it too much to ask if I want to know what it's like to be a single whole person?

sorry, I guess I'm just so tired of it...

Ahh, oh my goodness, we’re so sorry. We really are so very sorry, anon. And we truly wish we could offer some advice or reassurance… but our system is in an incredibly similar position!

In our system, nearly every part feels disconnected from themselves and out of touch with the world. Even those of us who interact with the world and are fronting regularly! Dissociation, depersonalization, and derealization can be incredibly serious, and struggling with these symptoms often can be a difficult, chronic battle.

It’s our goal that, through treatment, we’ll eventually be able to learn what it’s like to not be so dissociated, so disconnected and out of touch with everything. Honestly we don’t know how to go about getting rid of dissociation other than through, like, talk therapy and perhaps medication prescribed by a psychiatrist. Maybe there are natural remedies out there? But we really aren’t aware of them.

What’s helped us a little bit is understanding that we’re not alone in this. That other people are living their lives just as dissociated as we are. The blog @disassociation-culture-is and subreddits like r/DID and r/DPDR have been really helpful for us to see other people talking about things that we’ve been experiencing for decades. It helps us feel seen, which in turn can help us feel almost real.

Anon, it’s NOT too much to wish you weren’t constantly dissociating. It’s not too much to wish you were normal, to wish you could connect with your body and your personality and your life. We all deserve to experience this! It’s so sad and unfortunate that, for many of us, we have never had the proper opportunity to.

We have hope that things won’t be like this for you forever. We have faith that one day you will be able to see yourself and experience the world in clarity for what it is, as you are. It may take a long time, it may take lots of treatment or energy spent working on yourself. It may come at a time when you least expect it. But we’re truly wishing this for you, and hope that soon you can find a way to make peace with yourself and your life as you are.

Until then, please know that you’re not alone. We may not always show it here, but the truth is, we really do struggle with our DID and the intense dissociation and disconnection that comes with it. It is genuinely disabling and we often don’t know how to cope. But we’re trying to take things one day at a time! And we really wish the same for you.

Keep your chin up, if you can! You got this - we believe in you! Even and especially when it’s hard, we have faith that you’ll pull through! And we’re rooting for you through thick and thin! 💖

🌸 Margo and 💚 Ralsei

#dissociation #depersonalization #derealization

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waitingforafriendblog · 2 months

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Journaling has done more for me than rehab and therapy ever did. Why? Bc no one gives a fuck about what you to say. It sucks, but that’s the reality.

Even the trained “professionals” who called me by Borderline and not even by my name.

Getting me to even show up and stay clean was hard enough. But having to check in with 4 other counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists, DBT classes, it still didn’t do much for me at all. No one was really listening to me.

But journaling is the perfect outlet for me. I can scream my truth into my writing, which always validates what I am feeling. I’ve had nothing in my life besides gaslighting and resistance.

I’ve come to the conclusion that people are dedicated to misunderstanding me.

Journaling for Emotional Wellness

When you were a teenager, you might have kept a diary hidden under your mattress. It was a place to confess your struggles and fears without judgment or punishment. It likely felt good to get all of those thoughts and feelings out of your head and down on paper. The world seemed clearer.

You may have stopped using a diary once you reached adulthood. But the concept and its benefits still apply as a grown up. Now it’s called journaling. It's simply writing down your thoughts and feelings to understand them more clearly. And if you struggle with stress, depression, or anxiety, keeping a journal can be a great idea. It can help you gain control of your emotions and improve your mental health.

Journaling benefits

One of the ways to deal with any overwhelming emotion is to find a healthy way to express yourself. This makes a journal a helpful tool in managing your mental health. Journaling can help you:

Manage anxiety

Reduce stress

Cope with depression

Journaling helps control your symptoms and improve your mood by:

Helping you prioritize problems, fears, and concerns

Tracking any symptoms day-to-day so that you can recognize triggers and learn ways to better control them

Providing an opportunity for positive self-talk and identifying negative thoughts and behaviors

When you have a problem and you're stressed, keeping a journal can help you identify what’s causing that stress or anxiety. Once you’ve identified your stressors, you can work on a plan to resolve the problems and reduce your stress.

Keep in mind that journaling is just one aspect of a healthy lifestyle for better managing stress, anxiety, and mental health conditions. To get the most benefits, be sure you also:

Relax and meditate each day.

Eat a healthy, balanced diet.

Exercise regularly—get in some activity every day.

Treat yourself to plenty of sleep each night.

Stay away from alcohol and drugs.

Use your journal to make sure you follow these guidelines daily.

How to journal

Try these tips to help you get started with journaling:

Try to write every day. Set aside a few minutes every day to write. This will help you to write in your journal regularly.

Make it easy. Keep a pen and paper handy at all times. Then when you want to write down your thoughts, you can. You can also keep a journal on your smartphone.

Write or draw whatever feels right. Your journal doesn't need to follow any certain structure. It's your own private place to discuss and create whatever you want to express your feelings. Let the words and ideas flow freely. Don't worry about spelling mistakes or what other people might think.

Use your journal as you see fit. You don't have to share your journal with anyone. If you do want to share some of your thoughts with trusted friends and loved ones, you could show them parts of your journal.

Keeping a journal helps you create order when your world feels like it’s in chaos. You get to know yourself by revealing your most private fears, thoughts, and feelings. Look at your writing time as personal relaxation time. It's a time when you can de-stress and wind down. Write in a place that's relaxing and soothing, maybe with a cup of tea. Look forward to your journaling time. And know that you're doing something good for your mind and body.

#journal #journaling #mental health #bpd #dbt therapy #psychologists #psychiatrists

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bg-sparrow · 1 year

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hello, 📁 for my boy 40s doc please >:3

Alright, you know half of these are going to be from Now I Am Become Death, but I’ll sprinkle in some others!

Doc tells his mother about his “new job in New Mexico” “doing science for the war effort” but that’s about all he tells her. It’s just a courtesy thing that he’s moving. He trusts her to pass on the news to his father and doesn’t bother doing so himself. Doc takes the occasional phone call from his mother in Los Alamos; she’s probably his one consistent contact “on the outside” (if you count a monitored phone call every five or six months).

Doc is in the know fairly early on that they are making an atom bomb (which is a big deal, as only a few dozen people knew this in the whole Manhattan Project). He’s even housed in his own apartment in a building that he shares with two other people in the know, his neighbor being Kenneth Bainbridge (director of Trinity test). He takes regular polygraphs and has his quarters/ belongings searched regularly to ensure he’s keeping things under wraps.

Doc hates the heat of New Mexico but appreciates the lack of humidity compared to Northern California. It takes him a long time to get used to the dust, though. He is so sick of all the dust.

There is a unit of young soldiers/ MPs that Emmett somehow finds himself entwined with. They are sort of at odds at first — Donnie, the leader of the pack, is very pro-bomb while Emmett is very naive, thinking the bomb will just be used as a demonstration. They don’t seek out each other’s company or intentionally hang out, but their paths cross often enough to acknowledge one another as someone they know. Over time, the soldiers “adopt” him as “poindexter”. They barrel into his apartment to listen to Truman announce the end of the war and cheer for him when he plays his saxophone at the talent show. They’re probably his favorite friends by the time they part ways from The Hill.

Recreation-wise? Doc is a morning paper guy. He’ll stay up all hours of the night working on equations and ratios, but count on him to be at his breakfast table with a newspaper on the regular because the soldier’s gossip only tells him so much. When he does make himself go home at a decent hour, he puts on the radio while he gets ready for bed, usually listening to news or a baseball game. Maybe once he went to the movie theater on a quadruple date with the soldiers, but he and his date knew immediately there were no sparks there/ only agreed to it because of so-and-so.

A few months after joining the project, Doc comes down with the hard-hitting influenza sweeping the country in December 1943. He stubbornly tries to work through it, partially in competition with other colleagues putting in time at the office who are also sick. He spends two whole days in bed at its worst.

Doc slowly realizes this bomb may not be used as a scare tactic, and it hits him full-force at the Trinity test that Japan needs to surrender or else. When they don’t, he has an anxiety attack because he knows what’s coming. As the footage of Hiroshima and Nagasaki makes its way back to them and his government tries to give him a medal for his part in winning the war, it all comes crashing down on him.

He’s put on administrative leave and tranquilizers while he sees a psychiatrist. He can’t do/ refuses most of the available therapies — insulin shock, electric shock, no energy for physical exercise — but he tries an instrument after his therapist tells him how well soldiers recover in convalescent homes when exposed to music. He’s terrible at the saxophone, but he learns enough to do a duet with a fellow beginner musician for a talent show as a therapy goal.

But what really helps get Doc back on track is discarding the Medal of Merit he was awarded for his service on the project. He doesn’t want praise for what his work was used for. He goes offsite and chucks it into the Rio Grande one night, and things quickly start looking up from there.

In January 1946, General Groves offers Doc a job in Washington to research his ideas on time travel, but Doc refuses. He doesn’t want his science under the government’s thumb anymore; he’s seen what they do with it. He politely declines and insists life in the private sector would be best for his mental well-being.

And that’s most of it, I think! Thanks so much for the ask! I’d love to see more file emojis in my ask box, so go for it!

#back to the future #bttf #doc brown #40s doc #manhattan project #head canon #headcanon #asks #answered asks #thank you!

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elektroyu · 5 months

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Health logistics stuff under the cut

Sooo my psychiatrist (where I get my sick leave slips) would like me to get into some sort of psychosomatic clinic, or if I don't want that, at least would like me to do some sort of ambulant psychotherapy. I definitely don't want to do the former because I don't see how that would NOT crush what little bit of energy I still have.

You see, I like being able to dress myself, make myself meals, get myself some tea or water when needed, get groceries like once a week etc etc, and I also like being able to do a little bit of creative work for a little bit of extra cash here and there, and care for my pets myself, even though all of those things juuuust barely are what I can manage on my own. But I CAN still manage that on my own somehow.

Now if you add anything on top of that, even just a little chill birthday party with closest family or a doc or vet appointment, the scales already begin to tip and I need to adjust my routine to get lots of extra rest for a couple days. Or extra weeks if it's bad.

That said, to be thrown into a whole new environment with all the unfamiliar stimuli that would need extra processing from the brain, completely different routines that don't take into account the pacing needs of someone with ME/CFS, potential logistics issues if you can walk only short distances for limited amounts per day with breaks in between for like 3 hours, also with it's new people - especially medical personnel which may or may not know what ME/CFS is and thus may or may not know what pacing in that context means plus the potential catastrophic consequences of pushing such a patient over what they're able to do, which thus may or may not result in having to get into arguments with them about my safety - I honestly don't see me benefitting at all from such an arrangement. So I'll refuse that however I can. It's simply not an option. I want to continue being able to care for myself as much as possible.

That leaves me with normal ambulant psychotherapy. Which in theory? I don't mind doing it, I'm actually having fun exploring myself and working on myself to get better at life, so from that point of view - sure, bring it on! But even that is difficult for me to do, because even back when I was much better than I'm now this was already taking a toll on me if it was every week. Every 2 weeks was better, but still hard to do. And then there's the question of how do I even get there regularly? I definitely can't pay for taxis each week 😂 but I also can't use public transport because I'd need to walk further than I'm able to without worsening my symptoms. Now usually my sister drives me to appointments, or at least she used to. But now her working schedule changed and she doesn't have the time anymore to drive me somewhere each week (not to mention, she has her own life lol). I do have that scooter mobility aid, but that's not reliable enough because it's not weatherproof 🙄 it's only made for dry days lol and I paid for that thing on my own so if it breaks I'm simply fucked (and idk if I'm physically even able to use it for longer distances in the first place - never got to try that out because never had the spoons left; works great on short distances if the weather allows though).

So what does that leave me with? Idk tbh. At the end of the month I have another appointment at the psychiatrist, but it's a substitute doc again I think, so idk how helpful they can be. We'll see, I guess. 🤷

Then there's the question of: cognitive behavioral therapy or depth psychological therapy? Which would be better in my case (ignoring the logistics issues)?

#idek why they want me to do this in the first place if they themselves think it might be #ME/CFS #although they def don't seem to understand the implications of that from what they told before #that such psychotherapy or even a clinic 'won't hurt in any case'#but I think they absolutely can hurt if you have PEM/PENE and I absolutely do have that #tbh I just hope everything will get sorted out in a way that leaves me able to do what little I'm currently able to do #anything less and I not only would have to rehome all of my pets which I obv don't want #especially since they're all seniors already #but in case I'm not able to care for myself anymore what then?#who will take care of me??#idk man #I don't even want to think about that #health #fingers crossed it all works out #🥲🤞

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cannibalcoyote · 1 year

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Unraveled Ch.5: Tough Times

Ch.4 Ch.6

"Jenkinson?" Alec questions back, looking forward and shoving his hands in his pockets as he continues forward, as if our conversation never occurred.

"The Chief Super. I saw you walking with her." Ellie quickly states back, looking over at him.

"No." Alec quickly denies, his blunt and stubborn attitude making it hard for me to stifle the smirk begging to appear.

"I did, you were having 99s." Ellie pursues, looking over to me for help. I simply smile and continue walking.

"Miller, your son went to school with Danny. Does he know yet." Alec voices as he continues to avoid her questions by changing the subject, instead getting straight to talking about the case.

"...No." Ellie reluctantly replies back, looking at the ground in thought as Alec glances over to her.

At this point I begin to space out, something I've been doing way too much of, but I have too much to think about. How will Tom take the news of his friend's death? Does Tom know anything? I also should probably go and check on Beth and her family after this.

I continue walking until I hear Ellie asking Alec to stop calling her Miller, causing my head to turn up to watch the conversation play through, already knowing he's not going to call her Ellie.

"Why?" He questions, genuinely wondering why.

"I don't really like the surname thing. I prefer Ellie." She quickly replies, looking over as she talks. I look over to Alec as he thinks about it.

"Ellie..Ellie... No." he states after speaking her name, striding away after deciding 'No'. This time I'm unable to hold in my slight giggle at her facial expression, sliding an arm around her shoulders and pulling her into a side hug.

"Oh Ellie, you'll get used to him." I voice as I continue to grin widely. I quickly release her before I run to catch up with Alec. Looking back to see her look of shock dwindle into one of annoyance. Elbowing him slightly, he looks at me before breaking a smile at seeing my obnoxiously happy grin. Myself laughing even more as I hear Ellie shout at how he calls me by my first name.

——————————

We have just arrived at Jack's, we're here to question him because he interacted with Danny regularly. In my time at Broadchurch, he's probably the third closest person to me, Ellie and Beth being tied for number one, with Reverend Paul being second.

As soon as we walk in Jack slightly smiles at me in welcoming.

"Hello Elspeth. What can I do for you?" I smile back as Ellie replies.

"Jack, we need to ask you a few questions. Danny didn't turn up for his round this morning?" A look of sadness engulfs Jack's face at Ellie's question, Alec over to the side looking through some papers as he listens.

"I assumed he was sick." Jack replies.

"Did he often miss his round?" I question, Jack's vision shifting to me.

"They all do, one time or another." He responds, Alec looking up finally to make eye contact with Ellie and me. I could see immediately that Jack was going to be in for it if Alec thought he heard something incriminating. I know about Jack's past, I did some digging up on everyone I met here, after finding the news I made him explain what really happened. I believe that there is only one other person who knows about his past wife and son, and I can only pray that it doesn't get dragged into this investigation.

"How was Danny yesterday?" Ellie replies as Alec looks away. Jack's expression looked as though his eyes were watering in grief.

"No different than usual." He replies, slight exasperation in his voice.

"Did you notice anything on his mind in the last couple of weeks?" Ellie continues questioning.

"He was only in here 15 minutes first thing. I-I'm not a psychiatrist." Jack answers, I notice Alec lifts his head up and looks at Jack. I know Alec is a great detective, but his blunt questions always have startled me, even when we were just children.

"You married?" Alec suddenly asks, I glance over at him then back to Jack, knowing Jack's response.

"No. Are you?" Jack fires back, his eyebrows scrunched down at the question. They stare at each other for a second, Jack turning to me as Ellie glanced over at Alec, I just slightly cringe seeing as I only recently learned of my best friend's divorce.

"They brought him in here, Mark and Beth. Three days old, he was. It's not right." Jack states as he looks between me and Ellie before glancing at Alec at the end.

Ending our questions, Alec and Ellie walk out of the shop, not noticing how I didn't follow. I waited a few seconds before going over to Jack and grasping his hand, a few held back tears escaping his eyes.

"Jack, I know this is an awful thing, especially with what happened to you. You're like a father figure to me, as well a guide for the young children in the Sea Brigade, but you need to tell them what happened in your past." I explain in sympathy as he grips my hand.

"I know Els, but my past is mine, and mine alone." Jack states as he releases my hand and wipes away his tears. I sigh, knowing that would be his response.

"I promised to never tell anyone about it, and that promise still stands; just know that with this case, reporters are going to try to get a story out of anything, guard yourself." I state as I nod my head bye and run to catch up to Alec.

————————

"What'd ya have?" Alec asks solemnly. I look away from the man to the screen as he gives us the rundown of his injuries.

"Superficial cuts and bruises to the face. Traces of domestic cleaning fluid on the skin. Cause of death was asphyxiation. He was strangled. Bruising to the neck and the windpipe, and at the top of the spine. Patterns of bruises suggest large hands, I'd suggest a male. It, um, it would've been brutal. The angle suggests he would've been facing his attacker. He would've known." The man finishes. Throughout his explanation I stayed leaning against the wall by the door, looking down. Child murders have always been the worst experiences for me, and it seems this one plans to leave a lasting effect.

"Any sexual violence?" Alec questions after the explanation, throwing a glance over to me, but I don't return his look as I continue to stare at the floor. Silently holding my breath, praying the answer is no, ever since that terrible event happened to me I have become excessively sensitive when this question comes up.

"Mercifully, no." I let out a quiet sigh of relief, finally looking up. Glancing at Ellie to see she's nearly crying. I slowly step over and grasp her hand.

"Time of death?" Alec continues.

"I'd put between 10:00pm Thursday night, and 4:00 am Friday morning." Alec sucks in air noisily as he closes the folder before saying thank you to the man and shaking his hand, I release Ellie's hand and shake the man's. We turn to leave, Alec grabbing my upper arm and leading me with him before we hear the coroner start talking again.

"We don't get these around here. Make sure you find them." The man voices. Alec looked from me to Ellie. Before continuing on his way, myself being pulled with him.

Alec drags me out of the station as we're already on our way to inform the family. Ellie looks questioningly at his actions, especially at how he is holding my arm and is about to say something when Alec interrupts.

"Go grab the car Miller." he harshly vocalizes, not even sparing her a glance. Ellie looks like she wants to say something, but leaves to grab the car with a huff of annoyance, leaving us alone.

"Are you alright?" Alec quietly questions as he releases his harsh grip on my arm. I rub it slightly staring down at the ground.

"I'm fine, why?" I respond, though my voice quivers slightly, the memories of Pippa's decomposing body flashing through my mind, causing me to scrunch my eyes close in an attempt to rid my mind of the image.

"Els...Els... Elswyth! Look at me dammit!" Alec nearly shouts after a few seconds of me not reacting. I look up at him shouting, the tears blurring my vision, his frustrated gaze immediately softening at my state. He reaches over, but I flinch and back up slightly. He hesitates before he reaches over again, but confidently continues as I don't move away. He tenderly grasps my left shoulder and drags me into a soft hug, my face pressed into his neck as I hug him back, his head resting against the top of mine. One of his hands rubbing soft circles against my back, his other softly resting against my neck as he calmly hushes me, some tears managing to escape my tired eyes.

After a few seconds of his comfort I am significantly calmer and try to pull myself together, Alec softly kisses the side of my head before we pull back from the hug, myself blushing slightly, Alec having a light tint of pink on his cheeks. I look at him before smiling despite my burning eyes.

"Thank you, this case has been harder to deal with than I expected." I say as I sheepishly lower my gaze.

"It's alright Els, I knew this would bring back bad memories... for the both of us." Alec softly replies. He's about to say more when Ellie pulls up in front of the station.

"Are you riding with us?" Alec questions, looking back at me.

"No, I'll grab my car and meet you at the Latimer's." I reply after thinking for a second. I was going to hug him before remembering Ellie was there, deciding a smile was better before heading off to my car.

————————

"We have some preliminary findings.... We are treating Danny's death as suspicious." Alec states to the family. Ellie is trying to hold it together as I watch their responses. Beth looks like she's falling apart, Mark looks like he's bottling it all up, and Liz looks heartbroken.

"We think he may have been killed." Alec finishes.

"I should've checked on him before I went to bed. If I'd checked..."Beth voices, immediately blaming herself. I want to tell her this isn't her fault, but I know it's best to let them run their mouths. I look over at Chloe to see her leaving as Ellie talks.

"Beth, this is not your fault. Whatever happened, this is not down to you." Ellie immediately emphasizes. I can see Alec glancing over at her as a silent 'shut up'.

"I promise, we will find the person responsible....You have my word." Alec promises after a pause. I look at him, knowing that he's probably going to overwork himself to find this killer, and I'm going to have to work even harder to make sure he doesn't kill himself in the process. I know how this case is bringing up memories of our failure, and Alec is making a personal promise to this family.

————————

After informing the family we all head out, Alec and Ellie in one car and myself in my own. We pull over at a shell station, I pay and start filling my car before heading in to buy some food, bumping into Ellie.

"Els, do you and Hardy know each other or something?" Ellie questions, I glance outside to see Alec anxiously waiting. I'm about to respond when Ellie gets a call, I quickly grab two granola bars, and pay for them, heading out while Ellie is on the phone. I walk out to see Alec hold up his watch as a 'hurry up' to Ellie. I sit next to him and hold out one of the bars, he looks down at it skeptically, then back to me as if to say 'I'm not eating that'.

"Don't give me that shit Alec, I'm not stupid enough to miss how much weight you've lost since the last time we saw each other. Not to mention you look like a dead man walking." I state sternly as I stare straight ahead, still holding out the bar for him. He grumpily mumbles something as he lazily yanks it out of my hand.

"So, do you think Miller's noticed that we know each other?" He questions, the sound of the crinkly wrapper being pulled down off the bar filling the already noisy atmosphere.

"Funny thing, she was just asking me if we knew each other when she got a phone call." I state. The air between us quiets down as he takes a bite of the bar, giving me an incredulous look after swallowing it. I look over at him, eyebrows raised in amusement at his look of disgust.

"Why would you buy this, it's appalling." He questions rhetorically, his accent thickening in his last word. I hum humorously at his expression, earning a small smile from him. He tentatively wraps his arm behind my back, pulling me into his side slightly. I lean against him as I gently sigh in exhaustion.

"Y'know, I've really missed you Els." He voices as he looks down at me, his smile turning into a pleased grin when I look up at him and return the smile. I'm about to respond when a disgruntled Ellie exits the shop, both of us instantly separating from each other.

I slide off the hood and head back to my own car as Alec and Ellie get into hers, the expression of worry was very obvious on Ellie's face, which is only prompting me to worry about what that phone call was about.

Ellie and Alec head off, and just as I start my car I get a notification on twitter, one that immediately infuriates me. My only thoughts are on how I'll postpone going to the station and make a detour to slap Oliver upside the head.

Ch.4 Ch.6

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thinfatfit · 2 years

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i feel sad when i talk to other people with mental health issues and they’re doing so much better than i am. i mean i’m happy for them, but it makes me feel sad for me, and like even in mental health spaces often i feel so isolated.

like often i’m the only one with multiple diagnoses (around 5-6, depending on how you count) and the only one with diagnoses outside of anxiety and depression (those are completely valid too, there’s just sometimes less support available for other conditions). also sometimes i’m the only one who’s been hospitalized, who will likely never come off my meds (and doesn’t want to bc i actually think i might die if i did), who takes multiple types of psych meds per day (4 diff ones) and some at the max (or even more, dr approved) dosages, who can’t just see any type of therapist and find it helpful, who has frequently been discriminated against in big ways bc i have noticeable issues from my conditions, who has symptoms that are not socially acceptable, who is worried about not being able to work bc of mental health, who rarely showers or does laundry, who can go long periods without leaving my room or the house, who is very isolated and lonely, who has lost therapists and doctors bc of being too difficult, who has tried almost every type of therapy and been enrolled in most of the public mental health programs in my area, who regularly sees a psychiatrist and my family dr for mental health (like sometimes every 2 weeks), etc etc etc

it just feels really isolating sometimes. like, it’s hard to find people i can talk to who can relate, even in mental health spaces. and it’s like, i feel like people think it’s a big thing when i reveal for example that i even have any condition at all or that i take meds, and then i’m like, no wait, i’m not done, i also have these 5 other conditions and take these 3 other meds and my symptoms aren’t just that one thing i mentioned, it’s also all this other stuff that’s kinda scary and stigmatized. like, i’m not “yeah everyone struggles sometimes!” or even like “it’s ok to take meds and see a therapist”, i’m like “oh you’re like .... actually crazy *eyes widen and takes a step back*” and if they’re a professional: “i don’t think i can help you”.

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running-in-the-dark · 10 months

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I've got an appointment with my psychiatrist/neurologist tomorrow and I think I'm going to mention all my weird sleep issues. I've had multiple people tell me it kind of sounds like narcolepsy, and then a few days ago I listened to a podcast episode where someone talked about their sleep issues - they sounded exactly like mine, and the story ended with them being diagnosed with narcolepsy 😬😬

I'm really nervous about bringing it up (because how could I have something relatively rare, I just can't sleep, that's perfectly normal right 😬😬) but I'll try (I won't say 'hi I think I have narcolepsy', I'll just explain the symptoms I have).

Just to sum it up for myself, here's a list of my sleep issues:

without the antidepressant I'm currently on that makes me sleepy, I wasn't able to fall asleep. it's always been hard but for about 6 months before the meds, it took me 1-4 hours to fall asleep every night (sometimes I just couldn't fall asleep at night at all)

... and I'd also wake up at least three times a night

I'm always tired/exhausted - I need at least 9-10 hours of sleep to feel slightly rested, but I could basically sleep all day and still feel tired (I do regularly sleep 12-14 hours, and usually sleep through any alarms I set too)

I have very vivid/real-feeling nightmares that often wake me up (that's much worse now with my meds)

I get sleep paralysis somewhat regularly (also worse with the meds), and now usually feel like my whole body is shaking when it happens too.

when I'm half asleep I often can't tell if something really happened or if it was a dream. I wouldn't call it a hallucination, I think? though sometimes when I fully wake up later I'll ask my husband if he came into the room and said a specific thing earlier and he usually says no, but I know I was awake when that 'happened', so. who knows.

if I'm sitting down and not actively doing something, it's pretty likely I'll fall asleep (like when I'm watching TV, reading, listening to an audiobook, in the car as a passenger etc.) - but it doesn't happen if I'm the one driving or anything that means I'm really alert/tense/active like that

I've fallen asleep in class/similar situations many times, but I think that's normal? like, that feeling of trying really hard to stay awake and focus because you can tell you're getting very very sleepy and it takes like a few minutes but eventually I just doze off (for a few seconds I think? obviously I can't tell because I'm not awake...)

that happened very frequently when I did my apprenticeship (it was awful - I'd be entering client's receipts and fall asleep over and over again while doing it. it was a problem because obviously I made some pretty big mistakes and people weren't happy...) - that was when I slept about 12 hours a night because I was too tired to stay awake once I came home from work.

I've fallen asleep in the cinema several times too (usually during movies I was really excited to see)

I dream even when I only sleep a few minutes. like if I fall asleep on the couch for five minutes I'll still dream. apparently that's not normal?

also if I'm watching something, for example, I'll fall asleep over and over and over again, each time for a few minutes. then I wake up, rewind what I was watching, and immediately fall asleep again. that goes on for hours sometimes and it's very frustrating because I try so hard to stay awake.

I don't know what this is exactly, but it sounds a little bit like very mild cataplexy... I think? sometimes I'll just suddenly be really really weak like my muscles aren't working. I can't grip/hold anything, can't lift my arms or legs, can't move/hold up my head (it feels too heavy), can barely speak, and just have to stay sitting/lying down like that until it passes. but I can't remember if that was because of intense emotions or anything like that because I had no idea that could be related. I think it does often happen when I'm really scared/anxious but I think that's just because that's exhausting?

my hands especially do often stop working right when I'm really stressed/overwhelmed. like I can't grip anything/use them properly. it's especially bad when someone is watching me write/do anything else with my hands - I get so anxious that my hands don't work right. and my knees/legs go really weak when I'm standing and I get very anxious (like during a presentation). but that's just anxiety I think?

I did fall to the floor when someone scared me once because my legs gave in, but that was like 20 years ago so it probably doesn't count (and isn't that normal anyway?). though, now that I'm thinking about it... that has actually happened at least twice after that 🤔 (my nephew scared me once, my legs gave in so I fell down, and he did it again another time because he thought it was funny)

oh yeah and I was so scared during my driving test that my legs stopped working and starting shaking uncontrollably while I was trying to park, so I had to wait a minute or more until it passed

okay I just googled what cataplexy really feels like because I just don't understand it at all, and apparently going super weak from laughing really hard isn't normal?! that can't be right. that happens to everyone, doesn't it? like when you laugh really really hard and your arms are like giant useless noodles? (that actually sums up that muscle weakness that I get pretty well: my limbs are like floppy noodles that I can only sort of control)

(I've seen several people give tickling as an example now.. but everyone goes completely limp when they're being tickled right?? like no one can move in that situation right?? lol this list is so stupidly long now that no one will get to this point but if you do, please tell me if that's normal or not.)

I don't know. It's probably nothing. Or maybe it's something else, like sleep apnea? Or I'm just overly sensitive or whatever.

I usually just put all of this weirdness down to 'oh my brain is just being weird again'. But I guess it can't hurt to at least mention it? 😬 It seems like a long list when I actually write it down but I tend to exaggerate things, probably? I guess most of this is normal anyway, so I'm sure it's nothing. But it is very annoying either way so I will at least mention it once.

#personal #cw medical #maybe?#I just spent like two hours thinking about this and writing it down and reading other people's experiences #it does sorta sound like what I experience but eh I still don't know #could be anything could be nothing could be me being stupid who knows

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small-strong-bookish-butch · 2 years

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I need to talk about the Lewis story from What Remains Of Edith Finch. I’m going to think about this regularly for a long, long time.

TW for (spoilers and) addiction, drugs, animal death, gore, suicidality (?)

Lewis is a young adult in the Finch family who smoked hookah; Edith talks about how everyone except him told her to not go into his room. (There’s something mentioned at the beginning of the game, too, about how he brought home enough tuna fish that everyone was sick of it.) She finds a note from his psychiatrist, a letter about how she thought he was getting better and she’s sorry they couldn’t help more. As the narrator keeps reading the letter (in the psychiatrist’s voice, IIRC), it goes more translucent and fades into Lewis’ job: moving fish from one side of the platform to the other, and chopping their heads off with a blade.

I don’t remember the exact words, but the psychiatrist’s letter talks about how Lewis was a king in his own head, about how he had a wonderful, lush world internally that he often went to, to escape from his dull life.

And.

As she’s telling this in the letter, and saying more about it, you’re seeing this bright world and trying to get to it, but at the same time, the real world background is dark, and you’re still chopping the fish’ heads off.

And, of course, when you’re trying to get to this world, it’s very hard to chop the fishes’ heads off— it quite literally feels harder to move the fish, and to move the boat to get to the bright castle at the same time…

Eventually, through chopping enough fish, everything is getting heavier, but you’re almost to the castle, walking up that royal carpet where you’re king…

And, the fish have disappeared, and you’re about to be crowned king, and you put your head on the pillow, and the fish-chopping knife beheads you.

And then you’re the narrator again, and that’s how Lewis died, and the psychiatrist and your family all wish they could have done more. But that’s the end of his story.

#what remains of edith finch #personal #addiction #tw suicidality #tw suicide #suicide tw

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chaoslynx · 1 year

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Hi chaos 🖤 do you have advice for how to get through college while dealing with mental health struggles??

d..drop out like i did /j

(In all seriousness, I dropped out six weeks before graduation. Everyone said I'd regret it, but it's been years and I still don't. Oh well!)

I think an important part to surviving college is to take advantage of any resources the school offers you. It was really difficult for me to use the resources that were available when I first started -- it was really hard for me to ask for help or anything, really. If you need to, think of it this way: even IF everyone in power at the school is only in it for the money, they don't get that money if you drop out. Their goal is ALSO to get you through college. So you succeeding is helping both of you!

See if your school has any sort of disability accommodations available, and what those look like for students with mental health issues. If you're seeing a therapist or psychiatrist, see if you can get them to write a letter of accommodation to give to any sort of student disability center, or to your professors. Here's what my psychiatrist's letter to our disability center looked like:

This tiny letter and some back and forth with the disability center and my professors allowed me to have flexibility with attendance, deadlines, and pretty much anything else I needed in university if I just asked for it.

If you're not seeing a therapist or psychiatrist, it's definitely worth trying to if it's an option for you -- and if you're in university, it's probably more accessible than you think. A lot of schools have student counseling centers, and sometimes allow free therapy sessions a few times a semester. Take advantage of any and all resources you can get your hands on. Remember -- everyone benefits if you can get through this. Ask for help. Ask for help.

Make sure that you have a support system outside of just your therapist, too! Your friends, professors you trust, strange authors on the internet (me) can all be part of your support system. It's important to have people that you're comfortable with, and who help you feel safe. There are billions of people on this planet -- there are those who are a good fit for you, no matter how messed up or broken you might feel.

Whatever you struggle with, find workarounds for it. If you can't remember to eat regularly, set alarms or make plans to visit the dining halls with friends. Try to make sure that you're in bed eight hours before you have to wake up for your next class. Ask for help!!! Find what works best for you, and please try not to feel guilty for it. Some people wear glasses; some people use wheelchairs; some people can't make it to class every period. Accommodations are a part of life for most people, to varying degrees.

Do what you need to do, and keep your goals in mind. You're going to get through this, and you're going to create the life that you want for yourself.

Let me know if you need anything!

#answers #anon #mental health

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trans-lykanthropie · 1 year

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Insert today's rant here

You know, sometimes I look back on the absolutely bullshit way I was treated by my first job in this country, where I was paid a pittance (I needed a second job to make up both hours and money), and as soon as the pandemic hit the owners of the auction house went virtually radio silent. I asked each week if I should come in to work and I was told that nobody was working at that time.

That was a lie.

They were actually scheming in the background on how to get rid of me, I guess they didn't like the fact that I was a skilled worker with a sense of my own value and a hard learned consciousness of my own class and the rights of workers. They didn't appreciate that, as a trained restorer, I pointed out regularly that they were careless fucking morons with zero knowledge of materials or repair, had no respect for the objects in their care, and that no, an afternoon seminar on restoration was insufficient to be able to tell me how to do my job.

They made me redundant before I had worked long enough in Germany to qualify for the dole, AND STILL they wanted me not only to work my last auction, when I already knew I was being taken to the knackers yard, but to be enthusiastic about it and work from 8am to 11pm without a break for four days with my Sunday being used for tidying up. No bonus pay as would be my right under the law. They did not, in fact, get what they wanted.

I then spent the next few months before I could get on the dole watching all my savings evaporate, I almost lost my home, and had to be admitted to hospital with a nervous breakdown and fast tracked into mental health care. Then, when they heard I was stable again and had started freelancing, they had the gall to ask me back with smiles and sunshine, only to then fob me off for a €200 bill they claimed they didn't have to pay. That was the last bill they ever got because I refuse to work for them now. Fuck them, I hope they rot in hell.

But hey, on the bright side, because I was essentially dragooned into seeing a psychiatrist (getting written up in the emergency ward for a mental breakdown gets you put on a system), I eventually opened up about being trans and started the work to transition, and I've got a pretty good job now. Bad news, the psychiatrist I was assigned to thought at first that I had a personality disorder.

Rich tapestries and all that

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restforthe-burdenedsoul · 2 years

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I’m still so torn

Had therapy today. My therapist has been so amazing and I’m really glad I have her to process with. I really can’t afford it…but I also don’t think I can afford to not afford it especially now that my medication is up in the air. I definitely can’t afford the appointments with how the insurance policy changed with the psychiatrist.

Today we talked a lot about grad school and parental pressure, guilt, shame, and burden (all relating to my parents). Talked about life coaching.

I may finish out this semester of grad school and take a break, try out life coaching. I don’t know.

There is zero reason why I couldn’t be a life coach and market myself. I think I’d invest In a course if I found it to be a good fit. The industry has zero regulations which is what puts me off of it. There’s more protection in having my LCSW I think. Both need insurance on yourself tho I believe. The only difference I see that makes a big difference is that there’s no life coach data base (that I know of) like therapists have on psychologytoday[dot]com.

I really don’t think there is anything I will learn in grad school that I don’t already know or can’t learn. A lot of places continued doing free webinars after Covid, and I regularly attend trainings, listen to podcasts, read articles about things that help me as a social worker.

I know I have to “play the game” because everyone wants to see that piece of paper that proves you know what you know. But I don’t need that for life coaching. I have the experience and I have the bachelor level degree backing me up.

I’m good with social media when I put the time into it and I’d probably market via social media. I’m sure I can create a strategy that makes me stand out.

There is fear in the unknown though. The what if’s. What if life coaching doesn’t work out. What if it isn’t going to help me toward retirement. But I still have the bachelor degree and experience to demand higher pay.

I would take a break from grad school in January. I’d Like to take on some “clients” to help with finances and career coaching as I think there would be people willing in my adhd Facebook group. Small fee. Test the waters. If I find that it’s doable, that I like it, that I feel competent, then look into training for it (again, it’s an unregulated field. I’m just looking for a program that will guide me with structure that isn’t a scam). And probably wouldn’t continue grad school.

I’m miserable. My therapist said I have a lot of “grit” especially for someone that doesn’t even want to do what I’m doing. My motivation is the fear of disappointing my parents yet again. My motivation is fear of the unknown. But I am not happy right now. 16 months isn’t a long time in the perspective of a whole life, but 16 months is a long time to feel absolutely miserable. To resent every hour I put in to this work. To resent every hour it takes away from M or things I enjoy doing. For what? I don’t even know that I wanna be clinically licensed…I don’t want to diagnose. I barely want to be a therapist anymore. I don’t want an admin or supervisory role.

Idk when I started caring so much about what my parents think. I was never afraid to rebel in the past. To go my own way.

I think now maybe it’s just that I am holding the shreds of our former relationship, I am actively watching my relationship with my parents fall apart. Because I couldn’t play the good Christian girl anymore- someone I never was. A role that caused me nothing but grief and shame and depression.

I am proud of the person I’ve grown into, the only thing I’d change is my mental health. And so much of my mental health challenges come from trying to be this perfect person that I am not.

I don’t think anything is gonna save my relationship with my parents at this point. They wholeheartedly believe I am going to hell unless I repent of my sexuality. Anything else in comparison to that is still failure in their eyes.

No matter how hard I work, they will still see me as the gay daughter who’s sleeping with the wrong genitalia. If I finish grad school or drop out, I am still marrying M, I am still starting a family with him. So why should any of this matter? I will never make them as happy as they want me to make them.

#engagedwithm #comingoutqueer #journey to msw

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queerautism · 2 years

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Had an appointment with my Psychiatrist about fatigue today. She changed some of my meds to see if that helps, but she completely ignored me explaining that my sleep schedule isn't "normal" because no matter how many times I try I can't keep it that way and told me I should try fixing it then suggested I go out more often to do things during the day. I am in the process of applying for Disability with no income currently, am immunocompromised (all the doctor's offices around here still require masks so she should KNOW things aren't "back to normal" yet and that I'm not safe), and am medically unable to drive. I am housebound and have no money. She KNOWS this. I wanted to cry; I've wanted to be able to go out and do things whenever I want my whole life and she basically shoved the fact that I can't and likely never will back in my face.

And then when I said I don't know what I'd do even if I could go out, she completely ignored my comment and moved on. But yeah, I'm sure magically figuring out how to go out regularly will fix my issue of "I can't do anything around the house because I keep nearly falling asleep in the middle of activities if I have enough energy to start them at all."

Your psychiatrist fucking SUCKS that's absolutely ridiculous. I am so sorry. I 100% feel your pain, it is a horrible situation and finding ways to improve it can be so hard. The worst part is the people that are supposed to help you but only end up saying stupid shit like this

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finsterhund · 3 months

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Roommate lately has been more mean to me. Idk why.

Sucks because things otherwise have been surprisingly good on my end.

Yesterday he was really aggressively forward to me about how I gained weight and that's going to cause complications with my surgery. As if I don't fucking know this. Hmmm grief and food insecurity. I wonder what that causes? Weight gain! Oh what a fucking shocker. And I've already told him I'm not going to be going back to the gym until after my surgery. So that I don't make it worse. I'm just working out at home in my bedroom. Minimally, but still.

It pisses me off that he says I'm "eating all the time" when I'm having one fucking meal a day still though. bitch literally where? Where is the goddamn food? Like I'm not denying I've gained weight since my best fucking friend died in my goddamn arms but I still am eating one fucking meal a day. Come on. Acting as if it's me eating food as the reason for my health decline and not that grief has made me try to sleep my life away. Goddamn it.

That's what pisses me off. He's diminishing how I'm not doing well. And he's doing it right when I'm starting to get better. Which by the way doesn't work well towards getting better when you have someone doing that.

Idk. As if it's a personal failing on my part that in my severe emotional pain combined with my preexisting disabilities I'm unable to do much of anything except survive.

It's just. Idk.

Like he's able to go to the gym regularly and can afford to have a specific diet and all this and then he treats me like this is something that just as easy for me at this point. When it isn't.

When I admit that for a long time the only thing in my life is eating and sleeping and obsessing over Sly that isn't me admitting some sort of supposed guilt, this is me acknowledging objective facts.

I'm below the poverty line, I'm grieving, my independence was tied to my best friend who is now dead, I haven't been able to see a psychiatrist in person for half a decade because of doctor shortages, I'm waiting more than a year longer than I was told for a surgery that will eliminate some level of physical discomfort in my fucked up body, I am in constant pain because of chronic injury. (I need to stress it NEVER FUCKING GOES AWAY. I can be zonked out on weed gummy and triple times the recommended dose of Aleve (don't do this) and at the very least I can still fucking feel it.) I am psychotic with manic depression and CPTSD and who knows what else because the last time I've seen a psychiatrist was over the phone and they kept throwing around BPD and ASPD and DID like it was nothing and I don't even fucking KNOW you. We only ever physically met ONCE. Nobody fucking knows wtf DID is but that one makes the most sense based on personal understanding of myself and how I don't have a typical form of solid identity like normal fucking people. I've regressed so bad and in the end I was the most reliable with money and always making my share of the rent and shit. And you still got mad at me for buying things that brought me comfort. So I cannot stress this enough. I am holding on. Holding on has been my main priority. And I did it, bitch. I'm still fucking alive. And with all other context that's a feat in and of itself.

It's just hard not to feel like it's me against the world. I know and love and appreciate my friends so much. But damn computer screens and long distance relationships. It's hard.

Hoping this doesn't completely destroy the progress I've been making these past couple weeks.

#text post #negative #long post

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night-creeps · 4 months

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Im so eepy. Ran out of one of my sleep meds and my doctors gone for the next month, and turns out the other sleep med doesn't help as much as I thought it did. Back to taking a mouthful of nyquil before bed but even that doesn't help as much as it used to. So a request from your local insomniac, if you can fall asleep without pills please cherish it. Value it. Well and truly.

I went a long, long time assuming that when characters on tv and in movies could just lay down and go to sleep it was 'artistic liberties'. Even before I had a phone, I would stay up for hours reading. And when my books and flashlight got taken away I would sneak into the hallway and watch the TV shows my mom was watching (which were cop procedurals and/or henerally violent or scary shit she wouldn't watch when I was awake) and before that I would lay in bed for a long time and get scared because the dark started to look like it was moving.

So when I finally had a phone, of course I spent hours sitting on it until I fell asleep. I didn't know how else to pass the time. And doctors never believed me when I said it wasn't the phone causing my insomnia, the phone usage was a symptom of it. Eventually I found the words to explain it, similar to what I just said about being a kid staying up. Because I could never go to the doctor and feel comfortable lying and saying I managed to put my phone away for the night and still couldn't sleep. Because I would sit there for anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour and a half before giving in and pulling out my phone. But I eventually found the words to explain that the problem existed before having a phone. And I finally had a doctor who took me seriously, something I hadn't had my entire childhood and teenage years, so I actually got to try different medications until I found one. The one time I had brought it up with my psychiatrist he gave me a medication that caused drowsiness, but all it did was make my body tired. It was the worst week of my life, because my body didn't even have the energy to move but my brain was WIDE awake. So I would lay there for literally upwards of an hour, trapped in my own body and I didn't even have the energy to distract myself. And when I told him it didn't work he just concluded that I didn't actually have sleeping problems and that was the end of that conversation until I started seeing a family doctor regularly. And I told him, how there was a very big difference between drowsiness and sleepiness to me. That drowsiness was what I needed, because sleepiness only ever affected my body. Even when not caused by medication. I would spend days completely exhausting myself and I still couldn't sleep. So we started to expirement, testing out different meds that help insomnia. We didn't touch hypnotics/sedatives because he was hesitant to make me reliant on medication like that so young. But we found one that worked. And it was one of the biggest moments of "oh this is what normal people feel like." I could start feeling tired, and then put down my phone, and then FALL ASLEEP. This was not something I had ever been capable of. And I realized that other people HAD been capable of it. It was a big thing thar convinced me to start advocating for myself more in a medical setting. Not only because I had a doctor who BELIEVED what I said at face value, but because it was so fucking mind blowing how long I had been suffering like that. And I told myself I would never, EVER, take sleep for granted again. Because holy shit, it's incredible being able to sleep for 8 or more hours and wake up well rested.

I didn't really mean to turn this into a rant, but it's just so hard being back to not being able to sleep. I spent 18 years not sleeping properly, I've done my time. So if you somehow made it this far, please. For me. For anyone in your life with sleeping problems. For anyone else out there struggling with sleep. Value the rest you can get. The next time you're laying in bed about to fall asleep please take a moment to be grateful for it. It's one of those things that you well and truly do not think about until you can't do it properly.

#insomnia #vent post

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