#i am very tired and a bit mentally unwell currently
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2023 Fic Wrap Up!
following last year's post, i'm going to go through all of my fics for the year and talk about them a bit! again, um, mostly a3, but yeah!
1.
unbearable warmth
tasuhoma, master loves a mystery
this one was a comm for my lovely friend asra who really loves tasuhoma, so i wrote her a little thingy! there's nothing too much to say about it i think, but i struggled writing it because mlam isn't really my usual playverse. i think it turned out okay though!
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2.
if the sky stops dancing
washisora, kuyuki, +3ghosts, first crush baseball, akiyama twins, canon-compliant (mostly), canon character death
this one was a comm for my friend mic, aka the ceo of washisora and my co-ceo of misuomi! i think i ruined a few lives with this one, not gonna lie. it's a little thing of hikaru and sora getting closer, and they're sooo cute. i've never done anything wrong in my life.
the comments in this are so funny if you check them out! and this fic was the reason for one of the next fics in this list.
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3.
FUCK YEAH, THEY/THEM!
transfem banri, transfem nonbinary taichi, established relationship, fluff, silly
i took a break from destroying lives to write this silly fic. actually, i was in a pretty bad writer's block in the earlier part of the year, so this is one of the first fics after, like... rarepair week 2022 that isn't either a gift or a comm. i wrote this in the school library when i was supposed to be writing a paper, lmao.
it's a sequel to YOU GO, SHE/HER! which i wrote in 2021 and consider to be my magnum opus bantai fic. it's basically the same tags as this one.
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4.
i hope this little light reaches
washisora, kuyuki, +3ghosts, first crush baseball, akiyama twins, canon character death
after the first kuyuki fic, mic came to me like. an hour later with more terrible ideas. so, of course, i helped them make it happen! mic had the idea for the plot, so i just wrote it out into the world, and then this! and then i got sniped by my friends who came for my neck for both of the fics.
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5.
modern talking, modern walking
bantai, transfem taichi, internet friends to irls to eventual lovers
okay, no more angst. only sillies. this fic was for a little server exchange for my friend max! we both love bantai and transfem taichi, so like. this was the natural progression of things, i think! there's not much to say, just that it's very silly and i like it very much.
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6.
i wanted to be your tomorrow
homachika, non-explicit sex
please note the one and a half month gap between the last fic and this one because my god i was so tired from life. but then this roleplay thing happened, and i was playing homare, and my friend was playing chikage, and then... and then i brainrotted so hard. it was so bad. chikahoma was all i could think about for weeks.
there's so much backstory for the chikahoma that inspired this, but it does end in character death, so i'll warn for that real quick. homare confessed to chikage via poem (i am not good at poetry but i tried lol) and they got together and they just... they were so in love with each other and just wanted to protect each other. but it ended up that homare was dying, and as he's about to die, chikage promises that he'll continue writing poems in his stead. and i. and i shatter every time i think about that.
brb crying. anyway.
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7.
elogium
hex & willis, patholosite
SNRK. NUMBER 7. okay. so patholosite is the oc universe of my friend, jas! and i'm very mentally unwell about it. patholosite ruined my life. 10/10 would recommend. it's basically about this doctor, hex, who has, like. seven million issues, the most pressing of which being his inferiority issues. and he's basically currently working under willis, who is a genius and is not helping hex's inferiority complex at all.
stuff happens. please ask please ask please ask. i need to inflict the world with patholosite.
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8.
Lost and Found
samlil, devil's gambit
okay, so this one is a gift for my lovely girlfriend, quill! umm. she did not ask for it. she just randomly sent me money so i sent her this in retaliation.
for context again, me and some friends made a little fake theater troupe like a3, and we're all split into little subtroupes. so devil's gambit is the lead play of my oc/sona (lance, playing sammy) for the troupe, and quill's character (quill, playing lilith) is the colead!
so. um. yes. gay. also this is from before we got together so like. yeah. finger guns. sometimes the gay precedes the gay.
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9.
Why do you, as a man, call another man your partner? Because you're gay?
misukazu & tsuzuru, queerplatonic relationships, established relationship, aromanticism
this one was for the pride month exchange on twt for my friend, link! she asked for a couple things, so i settled on this. it was really fun to write, since i, like kazunari in the fic, am aro, so i was like. hahaha, projection go brr.
(note. i did not have a girlfriend yet at this time. but i do now and i'm still aro. so like. um. the projection projected back at me.)
i was actually supposed to also write a second fic, since i managed to finish this one pretty early. a 5+1 fic about kazunari again, but then i didn't manage to finish it. maybe one day!
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10.
we can be dyed in any color we want
sakuya & kazunari, mentioned bansaku, smoking, just bros hanging out!
this actually wasn't supposed to be the next fic. this fic takes place in the same universe as this, like. kazuchika/bansaku universe i have fluttering around my brain? kazuchika is not mentioned in this fic, but bansaku is. it's not necessarily an au, it's just... a thing.
anyway, so the next fic was supposed to be the main kazuchika fic. but then the main kazuchika fic was turning out too long and i wanted to post this fic. so i decided, hey, instead of posting the main one first and then this side fic, i'll just drop the side fic. i mean, it still makes sense!
so, yeah. this. hopefully, i'll be able to finish the main kazuchika fic this year. maybe.
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11.
someday, i'll be falling without caution
chikatsumu
okay, this one is one i wrote for chikatsumu week, so i'll go through each of the entries. it's chikatsumu week, but the actual thing went on for about a month with 7 prompts. i didn't get to finish all of them, but it was slay!
day 1, first meeting. chikage meets tsumugi in act 5. i don't think there's too much to say about it, since it's pretty self explanatory, but i think they're silly. they should stare at each other and try to peel each other.
day 2, letter. a letter that tsumugi writes to chikage following some unspecified incident where chikage disappears. i wrote this with the intention of it being the same universe as this au i have where april becomes the next organization head, lua.
day 3, domestic. it's just chikage picking up tsumugi after rehearsal and they hold hands and talk and walk. i can write so much about people just doing the most mundane shit, i swear. i love writing mundane shit.
day 4, angel/demon. playverse fic, morimiche (moriarty and michael). this one was inspired by a roleplay me and my friend did a billion years ago. basically, moriarty wants to corrupt the angel and drag him to hell with him. which, like. i mean. i fuck with that. go moriarty go. moriarty is a meanie.
day 5 fic, i ended up putting it in a separate fic (next fic in this list) because it touches on some more sensitive topics.
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12.
silver sulfadiazine
chikatsumu, attempted suicide
day 5, scars. so this one is an unofficial sequel to a fic i wrote on my alt, where basically chikage. y'know. this is the aftermath, and it's from chikage's pov, and he's kind of hazy in-and-out and doesn't quite know what's going on. it's unofficial because the actual fic didn't have any intentions of chikatsumu, but i figured it'd be a nice little what-if.
the original fic was titled freezerburn, and had a lot of themes of like warmth and coldness and such, so i carried that over here. so this one is titled silver sulfadiazine, which is used to treat burns.
i actually wrote this whole thing on a flight to visit my aunt, and then i posted it when i touched down at the airport. very fun.
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13.
a collage of cicadas
tsumuguy, tasuguy
this one was for fuyu ship week, though regrettably i only finished two, because i was preoccupied with rarepair week that started days later. i was also really busy at the time, since i was fortunately able to take my latest term abroad, but that also meant i was packing my shit and running documents for weeks.
day 1, garden + growth. nothing too crazy, just cute tsumuguys! i love tsumuguy. i love guy ships, though there aren't very many, which makes me sad.
day 2, debut. no-mankai au where guy still has journey, and tasuku is still at godza. this is based off a tweet i saw once about this concept, so i just wrote a little something.
i actually had plans for the rest of the week! very briefly:
day 3, beach. tasuhiso. tasuku picks hisoka up from the beach at 3 in the morning.
day 4, passion. tsumuhoma. it was going to be just ages of homare waxing poetic about how much he loves tsumugi's passion for theater and gardening and life.
day 5, snow. azutsumu. they're drinking hot chocolate in the lounge in winter and azuma laments how the flowers tsumugi was tending to are dying because of the cold. tsumugi tells him that there are flowers, too, that bloom in the snow. like you, azuma-san!
day 6, home. azuguy. my note for this just says "guy: tadaima; azuma: okaeri". and like. that's all you need to know, really.
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14.
i just want to hold you tight (i don't want to go back to that lonely life)
lantaru, past tonoita, self-shipping, knights of round iv, internalized homophobia, kind of a character study
HEY. YOU. DO YOU WANT TO HEAR THE LANTARU AGENDA. "what the fuck is lantaru?" you may ask. LANCELOT AND ITARU. listen. hear me out. okay. i just think that, as a child and a teen and even into adulthood, itaru yumes with lancelot. that's his lanchan. that's why his hair is bleached at the tips, so they matchy. that's his 2D anime british twink boyfriend.
the fic itself is a little bit of a love letter to self-shipping in general, and how it can help people get through some tough times. it kind of just explores itaru's relationship with lancelot as a character, and his relationship with the people around him, and just. idk. i like them. because, hey, listen. sometimes i can make out with hisoka in my head as a treat and it fixes me a bit. insert that post about being a little mentally unwell to get better.
i like lantaru a normal amount please hear me out on this.
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15.
fool's errand
chikatsuzu, chikamerl, knights of round iv
rarepair week 2! um. listen. i blame my friends wholeheartedly for this. like several other fics, this was inspired by a roleplay between me and some of my friends. and like. god. i'm so mentally unwell. tl;dr is that merlin spent the entire time antagonizing everyone, but then he's becoming human and shedding his magicky dragon-y nature, and chikage, for some fucking reason, decides to be kind to him.
and my brain has never let go of it.
my god i hate them.
i love them please make out.
but yeah. i really like how this one turned out, actually! i like how merlin talks all fancy and old timey and chikage's like uhh ok lol. merlin refers to chikage solely as "chikage utsuki" in this fic, rather than "utsuki chikage" which is how i usually write it. this is because merlin is white. thank you.
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16.
my universe is filled with you (more and more)
sakyoita, future, marriage, established relationship, moving
itaru and sakyo move into their house together! there's not much to say about this, i just really wanted to write an itasakyo fic for rarepair week. they're just really cute and shaped. this one was a little late i think, so all my rpw fics were a little late, but hey! that's fine.
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17.
meet me where our scars collide
tasuchika, introspection, intimacy
i am obsessed with chikage and his scars. like. i swear. i just think about them randomly. it also goes a little into chikage's default flight response of just running away from the problem. i just think. i don't know, man. just... chikage's got so many issues, i think kissing men could fix him.
it's actually really funny because i posted this fic in august, and then like i got a dm in december from one of my friends just SHAKING ME. and i was like WHAT DID I DO. and she was like MEET ME WHERE OUR SCARS COLLIDE. THAT'S WHAT YOU DID. and i was like I POSTED THAT FOUR MONTHS AGO???
anyway, i really like how it turned out!
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18.
despedida
citokazu, act 8, canon compliant
before rpw, someone in a server was like, hey, someone give me a rarepair for day 5 of rpw? i'm thinking citokazu, but idk... and i was like, YO CITOKAZU DAY 5 THAT'S LITERALLY MY PLAN TOO THAT'S CRAZY !! DO IT.
this fic is actually really timely beecause actually between the previous fic and this one was my flight to japan. so i literally had a despedida like when i was writing this. i really like citokazu, though i haven't talked about them a lot recently, so i wanted to write something for them for rpw!
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19.
Venus
tsumuhiso, uriluci, urimiche, sympathy for the angel, stray devil blues, non-linear narrative
okay. so if you haven't seen me during the a3 play ship poll, i made this propaganda for uriluci/urimiche. the au that i mention there is the same one that this fic is inspired by. and i am so unwell about uriluci it's unreal. i adore them, they make each other worse.
the title is venus, because it's the morning star! morning star, morgenstern, is also associated with lucifer. so, yes. also in the end note of the fic, the numbers indicate which order the different fic sections actually go in chronologically.
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20.
Ichor
augju (kind of), gekka, blood and violence, canon character death
this one was my fic for the gekka zine! (which, hey, if you haven't checked it out, you can find it on tumblr @/gekkazine!) it's just, you know, the usual augju bullshit.
july is a really interesting character to me, and more often than not i end up writing him? to the point that some people think of me as july oomf. which is. um. i don't know if that's a compliment, but sure, i'll take it! he's just really. somethimg. he sure is something.
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21.
you are gold, you are home
chikaita, domestic fluff
a comm for cg! most of my chikaita are stuff for cg, tbh, and i'm not complaining! this one's just a short and sweet one about chikage waking up with itaru in his arms, and something about the vulnerability and gentleness of domestic life that he never thought he'd have for himself... yeah.
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22.
bunnies and red pandas
chikaita
this one was for chikaita week! i had a lot of fun writing for these, and i had previously committed to being chill and low stakes about it, so i didn't have a lot of trouble or stress about it. the title references, of course, their a7 (??? i think ???) animals.
day 1, late nights. chikage hasn't come home and itaru's so worried he throws his matches. chikage's his lucky charm! or actually he's just so worried that he can't focus. either way, they're cute.
day 2, playverse. gawafuta! gawain (kniroun) and futami (uraomote). i think... this is the first fic for them i've posted, though i know there are more on ao3. my and my friend ended up making this ship after (another) roleplay thing, and then just... i just think they're neat, i don't know. i have a lot of gawafuta thoughts. i think that futami's one of the best people to help gawain adjust to getting, like, reverse isekai'd, because of his job. like, yeah, the info gathering stuff, but moreso being a teacher. like, modern jp lit takes a lot of inspiration and cues from earlier parts of jp history and lit, so futami presumably knows quite a bit about history and society as well, and just. i think they're neat.
day 3, office life. this was kind of inspired by when i met my friend and he was telling me about how when he went to shinjuku there were just a bunch of salaryman sitting around on the sidewalks and shit drinking and smoking and i was like... yeah. and then this was born. there's a lot of things about itaru's reputation that he has to keep an eye on, i think... but chikage will help, don't worry! also chikage is super pining and in love in this.
fun fact, there's a deleted line in this where chikage says something like not entirely accurate because he wasn't born in japan and only started living here a few years ago, and itaru calls him a gaijin lmao. i took it out because i don't think itaru would do that but like it's funny to me.
day 4, domestic. "nuh uh" "fym nuh uh" is the reason i wrote this entire thing. i had this exchange with someone on twitter about how itaru just says silly things and i was like. you know what? yes. so i just make itaru say silly things in this one.
day 5, plushies. after writing this, the world plushie didn't even look like a word anymore. and i'm just really obsessed with the mental image of itaru turning all of his plushies away so they don't see him and chikage doing the nasty. there's also references to the extended kniroun lore there (runa) which i am happy to talk about at great length always anytime.
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23.
Oversized
samlil, devil's gambit
same deal as lost and found. although, okay, we were actually already together at this point. she, like... randomly sent me money again. i think because i didn't have enough in my paypal to resubscribe to dropout, so i was like haha is anyone willing to commission me real quick. and then she just sent me money. so i wrote this because i wasn't going to take no for an answer. also i had major samlil brainrot, since i had a manga studio art class where we had to make our own manga, and i was like. okay! great! (makes devil's gambit manga) (does not sleep for three weeks)
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24.
Hunter's Mark
azusakyo, nocturnality extended universe
this one was a gift for soda for a little server exchange! they didn't ask for much, so i was like... hm... what's the last thing you said about azusakyo... and then saw vampires and went, PERFECT. I ALREADY HAVE A SAKYO VARIANT FOR NOCT. although he ended up a little different from how i'd originally made him, but i think this works!
the faust backstory is that he's a vampire who's also the head of vampire hunters. why is he hunting other vampires? who knows. he and franz have a history. also, despite being a vampire, he can interact with holy objects and things. he literally trained himself to do that and not to react when it burns. he's crazy, lol. that part i think was inspired by raphael from the mortal instruments. i'm a little unnormal about raphael santiago, but don't worry about it.
the summary of the fic is an excerpt from goethe's dr. faust, who faust is, y'know, name for. he did this bargain with a vampire a long time ago for something. haven't decided what exactly, but something along those lines.
also, fun fact! in my current noct universe, faust's heir is akito, played by azami.
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25.
Shaped Like Halloween
kazunari & chikage, halloween, liberal use of the word "slutty"
this one was for a halloween exchange in a server! for. um. my girlfriend. IT'S ACTUALLY REALLY FUNNY. the previous fic, the azusakyo fic, it's for a different friend. but initially, the giftee i had received was also my girlfriend. so i asked if it was okay to switch with someone else since i figured she might like to receive fics from people who are, you know, not just me. AND THEN I FUCKING LEARNED THAT BOTH THE GIFT EXCHANGES IN DIFFERENT SERVERS JUST RANDOMIZED THE GIFTEES. SO I RANDOMLY RECEIVED QUILL'S NAME TWICE BECAUSE THE POWER OF GAY OR SOME SHIT??? IDK.
anyway, it's sillies! kazu and chikage. i'm pretty sure that when we'd filled out the forms to join the exchange, we hadn't gotten together yet? and she had something written down like, kazu and chikage, i've been thinking about them recently. and like. i kin kazu, she kins chikage. i know what you are (gay).
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26.
Starburst Tea
bansaku, first meeting, no mankai
for being my favorite a3 ship, you'd think that i'd have more bansaku fics. but, hey, at least i have this one! i also posted this around the time of the bansaku cg, so i was literally losing my mind.
this is based off an actual place i went to while wandering around. me and some irls found this cool little tea shop the city. it was really cozy, and there was an actual wall of tea with different blends. i got carnival! it was good tea. the owner asked my friend if he would be willing to help paint a mural on the side of his tea shop with some other japanese people, so that was slay and fun. there was a fire, we made smores! the owner also has a little wood soldering set, and he let my irl draw his face on the wooden counter. it's really nice. anyway, in universe, my irl is kazu, he just does shit for banri.
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27.
(if) we are meant to be
mukuyuki, soulmate au
last fic of the year! this one was for the secret santa on twt for my friend, aud! admittedly, i don't have a lot of practice writing youngestgumi, but i think it turned out well! i wrote this on the plane ride back home, actually, so it feels like a really nice close for the year.
i'm super normal about soulmate aus, by the way. i have a billion fluttering around my mind at any given point in time.
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thanks for sticking with me this year! hope to write a bajillion more fics again next year~ i actually have one coming up soon for a server secret santa, so look out for that one! >wa)b
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6/7/23
23:19
Today has been a day of recovery still; just want to talk about some things I've been thinking about.
It's been a hard week. Some good things have happened recently though. I got a job for the summer (and hopefully a bit beyond, if I can manage my schedule well), and secured a place volunteering in a research lab, to start hopefully sometime in mid-July.
I got extremely sick on Monday, where I woke up with a super sore (started feeling it Sunday?) throat that got progressively worse through the day til I ended up with an excruciating headache, full body muscle aches, and intermittent nausea. I thought it was the flu but now perhaps just a viral bug, because the worst symptoms were that night and I've been getting better every day, though it was really, really awful. Last time I felt anything near that was two years ago where I got so sick I called 999 because I thought I was going to die.. hah. I remember phoning him and trying not to cry, because I just wanted a parents reassurance and felt so alone and like such a child. I felt it again that day.
I ended up sitting in the bathroom shaking, and I stuck three fingers down my throat to make myself throw up finally to try and get the nausea to go away. I vomited twice, the only meal I had that day and it was as disgusting and awful as every other time I've thrown up. Truly I think it's the worst physical experience. I ended up back in bed, feeling so cold but sweating and restless and I was waking near every 30 minutes in a state of near-delirium. Didn't think I'd be able to sleep more than an hour straight through but I think my body was so exhausted it just sort of gave up. Sore throat, headaches, no apetite still for days after, but I had a proper meal again on day three, so there's that. Eating more today too, though it's not enjoyable. Had to call out of work but hoping to make it into my shift tomorrow.
I also start moving out tomorrow. I want to say it's annoying, but ultimately I think it just saddens me. Moving itself isn't really a big deal, I think I just get tired of this impermanence, the repeated transitions and largely the reminder that I do it primarily alone, and I'm alone because he died and I have few friends. It's hard to think about.
I also had therapy yesterday. We went over an international trauma questionnaire, and I'm supposed to get some feedback on during the next session, but I did look it up after and read through the assessment criteria. I think it stands to reason that I may have CPTSD. I've suspected this for some time now, but thinking of it actually being concrete, my current reality, has been very jarring. Also quite upsetting.
I've been thinking a lot about loss again. Loss of family, friends, and thinking about past experiences that won't be repeated. People I most likely won't ever see again. Conversations that won't happen. Love that I can't make known. It's been really hard.
Being unwell meant I've been on bedrest and it's meant my mental health started to slide. I've been feeling distanced from friends, though one has been reaching out to me every day to ask how I am and if I need anything, and that's been really really nice. Still I wish I had more friends, more connections. Could feel like I'm cared for more often, because it feels so extremely rare. That people's care for me is made known, and I really feel it. I wish it wasn't like this. It's like at moments I reverted to being a child again, sick and wanting nothing more than to be nurtured, taken care of completely but the harsh reality and overarching background is that I won't ever experience that again, and I don't think I'll experience anything similar to it either.
I think I'd like to let myself be open to a soft and careful love. I'm deathly afraid that it's never ever going to happen.
I talked about being tired, in therapy, about feeling it both mentally and physically. I have felt psychologically tired for a very long time. Every day takes energy and effort that I think should be impossible for me to gather. This quote, by Anaïs Nin -
Life requires an effort I cannot make.
Yeah.
#entry#i think there was supposed to be some structure to this but i lost track#i think its time to go to bed
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Okay so I just started watching season 2 of Hilda, so don't spoil me!!
I like that Frida gets to be a witch! (I'm very pleased with myself for spotting the foreshadowing of the pointy hat shape that appears behind her head when they first enter the Witch's Tower :P) But it seems weird to me that Hilda is going to be her familiar? Especially since all the other familiars appear just to be animals, slightly intelligent ones, but, like, not even ones that can talk!
I think it would be cool for them to be witch best friends! And I'm with Frida on the idea of Twig as Hilda's familiar being very cute!
Idk, I'm sure it will be handled well! I don't think there's been any major choices in the show that I've disliked so far. I wonder if Frida will get a slightly witchier look or aesthetic, or if she'll just bring her existing preppy charm to witchcraft, lol.
Unfortunately I cannot watch more tonight, as I am trying to be a grown-up and go to bed before 3am.
#hilda the series#hilda#hilda season 2#by elise#please take everything i say w a grain of salt#i am very tired and a bit mentally unwell currently
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is nikoli request almost done? or kaz?😔
Short answer? No.
Explanation (not that I’m obligated to explain but I’m nice and considerate) if you feel so inclined to read: there’s a multitude of reasons why but i’ll try to be as succinct as possible -
1) I have and have had A LOT on my plate at the moment
- I’m doing a shit ton of christmas fics which yes I don’t HAVE to do but it’s something that makes me happy and other people seem to be into as well so I am and obviously they have a bit of a deadline and there’s a lot to do there
- I did fictober where I posted a fic (sometimes 2!) every day for a whole month so that took a lot of time and effort and again I didn’t have to do that but I like writing as more than a hobby and it was a challenge that I really wanted to see if I could do and did
- I’m aware some of the requests were from a bit longer ago than the last couple of months but before that I was still busy as heck preparing to move across the country, on a couple of holidays (fine yeah that’s not a busy thing but a bloody needed them), and working quite frankly insane hours (6 days a week 8-12 hour days in fastfood) and that left me so physically and mentally exhausted that writing was just like not gonna happen most of the time
- I’ve started university and I’m a film student now and it takes up soo much time both with actual classes and all the work we have to do outside of them as well
- Unfortunately I have to be a proper adult now too and everyday household chores and stuff take up a surprising amount of time when you have to do all of them yourself and also clean up after a messy flatmate if you want to do anything else
- I also do a lot of drawing and it’s something I’ve recently got back into and honestly love doing so much so that takes up some of my free time too and yes this is another thing I have no obligation to do but I’m gonna do it anyway and I’m not gonna feel bad about it potentially making me take longer to write stuff
2) Specifically in relation to Kaz, I find him really tricky to write about generally especially in a relationshipy way due to the way he is in canon and how that does not translate well into a relationship setting. It takes a lot of effort to get him right and balance all the fic stuff with not writing him ooc or ignoring his trauma and it leaves me incredibly mentally exhausted so in general I’m more likely to write stuff for other characters if I have options. He’s also just generally not my favourite character to write about
3) Most of this year the books and stuff that I’ve been in love with and most excited to make content for are new things and not the grishaverse. I still love them but there’s just so much more I can and want to do in my new fandoms
4) I’ve actually received a lot of requests for fics when I have specifically said in either my bio or my request info - which I do ask people to check every time they want to request something because it changes - that i’m not taking any requests or only for a specific fandom or prompt list. I’ve been very lenient with people and agreed to take their requests anyway but have warned them every (or nearly every) time that it will take a while before I get to them.
5) Sometimes inspiration is just hard, y’know, and a lot of the fics people have requested, especially the Kaz ones, have been particularly difficult for me to figure out a plot or way to write it because words are also tricky fickle things to wrangle
6) This, I do for fun. When I stop having fun writing a fic, I’m not gonna force myself to keep going with it then and there, I’m gonna write something that I do enjoy. “But Amy, why don’t you just say you’re not doing it?” I hear people ask and it’s for one very simple reason: I still want to, just not right then. If I ever decide that I really will never manage to finish a fic, I’ll say
7) I hope people remember that I’m under no obligation to write a request quickly or even at all. I don’t beg for requests (except sometimes with the prompt lists when I want to write everything but know I can’t), I just give you guys the option of suggesting stories you’d like to see
> Honestly I know there’s even more stuff than that but it’s late and I’ve wasted the last hour of my evening explaining all this and I’m tired and tbh I really shouldn’t need to explain any further than that.
> Also I’m pretty sure I’ve said a fair amount of this a number of times before but whatever. I’m also sure I mentioned that most fics would be taking a back seat to fictober and ficmas for the time being and that it was unlikely much would be posted other than those until the new year.
> If y’all want to know if a fic is done/being done and when things might be uploaded there’s several places you can check on my blog very easily: If you go to my navigation section, there’s an update schedule there which I do change when I get fics finished and plan their post date, and if I have more than the 5 slots the blog theme allows then I make a post which gets linked in my bio and you can check out my ‘currently writing’ post which I keep updated and will show what’s been started and what’s been finished but not posted
Edit: Guess who just remembered another couple of reasons some stuff isn’t done?
8) I am so incredibly lucky to get a load of mental health problems which are officially undiagnosed and going untreated because my anxiety is so bad that just the thought of actually talking to a professional about it makes me feel physically sick. So quite often my headspace is just not good at all and if it’s alright enough to write, I’m gonna write stuff that I enjoy and isn’t exhausting. (it also gets worse during autumn/winter so that’s fun for now!)
9) My physical health is like really not the best either and especially in winter and especially lately I’ve barely had a day when I haven’t felt a little unwell so writing gets pushed aside and then when I am okay and write I have to prioritise and like I’ve said before, my priorities are/were fictober and ficmas
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Dear Web
I’m not quite sure who I ought to talk to about this heaviness inside my soul. But to you, oh Website Tumblr, I bare my soul, my soles... no, just my soul. Who the fuck knows what this pumpkin is on about? Please explain.
Basically, I’m not great at making commitments to myself to change for the better. I start out very, very enthusiastically (note very x2)... and then almost immediately forget my venture for greatness (or really for consistency in doing the bare minimum basics of life) and squander my health, wealth, mentality and time. My heart and my emotions. I can’t get into emotions right now, tbh. That will fuck us all up.
I am not one to whinge... nor am I whinging even now. But fuck, if you knew some of the things I had gotten up to lately - even the mighty Web might say WOW.
‘Scuse the Dr Seuss inspired rhymes. So tempting to rhyme some more. But I won’t because once again I am getting distracted from a commitment I am making to you, oh Webby Webby, my sole witness, my SOUL pal.
Anyway. What am I doing again?
Oh, that’s right.
I need to learn to love myself. I need to forgive myself. And be kind to myself. I mostly am very kind to others, but I’ve noticed that there are things I have done to others lately that I thought would be things I’d only ever let happen to myself. That’s the problem with self hate - it eventually does spill over and splashes onto the one’s we’re trying to love around us. How can love exude from a heart full of self-loathing? The math doesn’t add up.
Though people say I’m very loving - the proof is in the pudding and how it all ends up. The mess.
So commitment here. Uh, not a strong point of mine. I can come on so intensely and intently that it seems like I’m all about that sweet, sweet C. But in reality, I’m a bit of a bloody roller coaster with loose hinges and squeaky wheels - never truly committing to the ride.
Why can’t I focus on one thing? What am I trying to get at here?
I want to learn to be strong in the basics. Strong in self care and self love so that I can love others from the overflow of my heart, in ways that are consistent, authentic and gentle.
Right now, it feels like such a hugely overwhelming task and my mind spins out when I try to figure out what my routine of self care will look like. Something inside of me is so resistant to caring for myself. I’ll drop everything to nurture another. Even so, it mostly ends in havoc caused by impulsivity and inability to care for myself first and foremost. The foundation is weak.
This way of life has led me to hefty accumulations of debt, frequent and prolonged periods of being unwell, abuse of alcohol (and dabbling in other substances), self harm (in one way or another), intense feelings of guilt and shame, and cyclical destructive behaviours that have ultimately ruined relationships with people I truly care about.
Shit.
But I KNOW there are people in this world who have overcome much, much more than the struggles I face, and have gone on to live incredible lives of goodness, service and impact. That is what I want for my life. I want to be a vessel of love and light. I want to live a life of purpose.
So I’m looking at the troubles inside my soul - my troubled soul, and I’m saying ‘come on, silly soul of mine. you and I are a team now. we can do this. for once, I’m really going to be on your side and believe in you. I’m going to cheer you on and comfort you when you’re feeling weary. I love you. we can do this. we can change’.
And no one else needs to know. No one else needs to be a part of this.
I have everything I need right here and right now.
I had a dream last night and in that dream an old gentleman told me to think about the explicit functions of my body and to be grateful for them. For example, I have sight. My eyes can see and I am grateful for the gift that is my eyes along with the gift of sight. My eyes are a part of me. They are good to me. I am grateful for my eyes. I am grateful for me. I am connected to my body parts on the most basic level. And they are good. Even if that is the only good thing I can see right now about me, the fact of the matter is there is goodness inside of me.
That sounds a little confusing, perhaps. But the next part of the dream is what really hit me.
I was then instructed to think about things in this life that make me happy and to think about why they make me happy. Once I had thought about the ‘happy thing’ and what was so ‘happy’ about it, I was told to replace the ‘happy thing’ with ‘me’ and repeat the reasoning.
For example, Nature makes me happy. It makes me happy because Nature is beautiful, it brings peace and it is a safe haven for tired souls.
Therefore, I am beautiful. I bring peace. I am a safe haven for tired souls.
The moral of this elongated dreamalogue (dream-monologue) is this:
Everything that you love in this world is a reflection of the good that is already inside of you.
Woah. Man. I could well up at the thought. I see others and think they are so beautiful, when in reality they possess very similar traits as the traits I possess also.
Why then, is it so damn hard to see that same beauty inside of me?
This is what I’m here to commit to. I’m committing to learning to love myself, truly, madly, deeply. To learn how to care for myself. To dream big dreams. And to walk in purpose and kindness each day. First and foremost, to myself and to to others also in turn. I need to love me. I am desperate to love myself and to look after myself.
So that is my commitment.
Some stats for my own benefit, being that this entire exercise is for my own benefit and I make the rules here, beeetch:
Current days not:
Drinking (4), Smoking (3), Eating Animal Products (1), Drugs (8), Breaking My Budget (3), Sexing Someone I Didn’t Want To (19), Getting Into An Alcohol-Fuelled Fight (11).
It might not seem like much - but even that is progress. I am grateful for learning to love my soul a little more than I previously had been. Thank you, Me.
Health Stats:
171cm, 74kg, BF (last time I checked when I weighed less was around 30% - so probably higher than this), currently have a throat infection (again),
2020 Baby... Goals:
Clear $17,500 debt*, Get Drivers License (2 lessons down), Mediate & Write Daily, Save $20,000 by end year, Complete 5 Uni Subjects with HD Avg., Maintain Vegan Lifestyle, Write 40 New Songs, Record 1 Song, Travel (Europe & South America), LOVE MYSELF.
*spent on nothing in particular (supposed ‘good’ times essentially) and figure not inclusive of Student Debt.
Okay, I’m overwhelming myself. This is good.
Soul, we can do it. Web, bear witness.
It’s time to change, change, CHANGE for the better and for forever.
I love you.
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Desires - Hakuoki Fanfiction - Chapter 12
Hello guys!
What will Sannan do in this chapter??
Let’s get on to the next chapter! Less rambling more reading :D
May you enjoy this chapter also ;)
Chapter of the Stories:
Prequel - Prologue - I - II - III - IV - V - VI - VII - VIII - IX - X - XI
@hijichiweek @kirakirachiizuru
Miyuu
-XII-
Gazing at the backyard covered with the snow, Chizuru continued her current activity, something that she did a lot recently. She would simply sit on the hallway and face the backyard while pondering on her thoughts. She always found herself doing this since she regained her health after the fever.
Although she had insisted to the others that she was fine and not a least bit unwell, none of them (namely the captains and some other members that she was acquainted with in the Shinsengumi) would give her any chores to do. They said that while she was regaining her health, the chores that she usually did had been divided among the other members. She didn't have to exert herself and should just take it easy. Even though she knew that the others' intention was for her well being, she couldn't help but think that the Shinsengumi didn't need her anymore. That thought was stuck on her mind.
'When… did everything go so wrong? Why… had all of this happened?'
The very same thought had lingered in her mind and she always asked these questions as she pondered her thoughts.
'I know it was my fault for all the unfortunate things that happened with the Shinsengumi.'
She blamed herself most of the time.
'Do I become a bother to them? Should I leave the Shinsengumi then?'
And in the end, she always reached the same conclusion.
'But I don't want to leave the Shinsengumi. It is not only because of my situation with him.' She remembered all the things that happened since the first time she joined the force till now. 'This place…. It's my home. But, can I stay with them?'
She felt her chest tighten and it nearly made her feel suffocated. The anguished feeling, not to mention the guilt that hadn't gone away since the incident in Nishihongwanji would slip in when she was alone to think.
She tried to be strong. She tried to always have a positive mind. She tried to always look forward. She tried and tried….
'Do I have a right to stay with them after all of the things that happened because of me?'
Many men of the Shinsengumi had lost their lives in Kazama's attack.
Then the monstrous thing that her so-called father had made, the one that he claimed was done for her, for the Yukimura clan, was slowly devouring the Shinsengumi. Not to mention the assassination of Itou Kashitarou. The previous advisor of the Shinsengumi knew about the Rasetsu and ochimizu matters. The assassination resulted in even more injured men than Kazama's attack on the Shinsengumi, during the Aburano Koji incident.
She closed her eyes.
She remembered that he hadn't answer that question when she asked him before. Did he dodge the question because he didn't want to make her feel any more worthless then she felt right now? Or was it because she was sick that he couldn't tell her in his usual blunt way that no, she couldn't stay with the Shinsengumi any longer and had to leave as soon as possible? If the one that she met that night had been the oni-fukuchou persona, she had no doubt that he would have told her to leave the force and compound. Sick or not.
But the one that she had met and that had stayed with her all the night (she knew he did stay) was the man that she found herself in love with. The caring and affectionate man that had made love to her that night in Shimabara.
When she met with Hijikata later, he never mentioned or addressed that 'particular' question. It was as if she had never asked him or he had never heard the question. For one, she didn't ask him the question again. She didn't know why the courage that she had when she asked him that question had gone somewhere else. In fact, she felt relieved that he didn't bring up the matter anymore. Maybe she was scared of the answer – of being told that she had to go away from the Shinsengumi.
Away from her home…
'Away from him…'
The thought of leaving him and her incomplete bond had made her, unconsciously, terrified to the point that she didn't dare to bring up the matter anymore.
She leaned her shoulder on one of the pillars. Her body was not tired; she hadn't even done anything that day except for helping Inoue to wash the dishes. Then again, that was cut off abruptly when Inoue caught Chizuru washing the dishes. She had done it without telling the elder captain. Inoue stopped Chizuru and told her to go back to her room. He didn't want to hear any of the excuses that she had prepared for the man. So no, she was not tired at all.
But her mind was something else. It was at the breaking point. The mental exhaustion and tiredness were being underestimated. It was nearly in the shutting down process. She sighed and gazed back to the backyard.
"I am… tired."
---
Even though the words were said in a soft whisper, he could hear it loud and clear. There was nobody else except her and him. And she didn't know that he stood not far from where she was.
He had watched her since she came out from the kitchen with a dejected expression. He had made it his personal job to watch over her. The fright that he felt when he saw her unconscious in front of him on that day had imprinted itself on his memories.
He was the one that told the others not to give Chizuru any work until further notice. The others (Kondou, all the captains and the rest of the Shinsengumi members) complied with his command. Even if some of the members wanted to ask about the command and were confused by it, no one dared to ask the fukuchou. No, he was not in his oni mode. But the authoritative tone and the aura that he emitted were enough to make people cower.
"He is like a mother hen," said Harada one day. The captains were in the common room. Okita, Sannan and Heisuke also joined in there. Hijikata was on the way to the designated room when he heard the talk.
"He is a mother hen. I almost called him kaa-san once. His nagging was at the point of annoying. If not for the constant coughing, I would surely call him that." That was Okita, remembering one particular day that Hijikata came to his room.
"Sano-san, don't tell me you have just realize it." Heisuke peered at Harada that sat next to him.
"No, I know that he is like that. All of the members know it. But… how should I put it?" Harada scratched the back of his head. He tried to find a suitable word to describe Hijikata's behavior toward Chizuru.
"His actions towards Yukimura-kun are on another level." Kondou put in his thought. "More intense than the ones he used to show."
"Yes, I agree. But… The vibes that I got from him, I've seen and felt it before." Harada still tried to think and get the exact word. "It is on the tip of my tongue."
"Like a master that cares for his favorite servant," Nagakura blurted out suddenly. But before he could finish his words (to tell that he was only joking), he felt the temperature inside the room drop to the lowest level. He also got many sharp glares from all the occupants of the common room.
He knew he was in trouble. But he was oblivious as to the cause of it.
"W-what's with the murder glare?" Nagakura said in nervously.
"It is true that Chizuru is Hijikata-san's page. But she is not a servant, Shinpatsu-san. How can you describe her like that?" Heisuke gave off an ominous aura. Maybe thanks to him becoming a rasetsu his emotions were on the negative side most of the time.
"Heh~~ Didn't know that you thought of Chizuru-chan that way, Shinpachi," Okita said in a singsong tone, but his eyes were looking at Nagakura coldly.
"Where do you put that smart brain of yours when you're not talking about politics, huh? You are better than that Shinpachi." Harada shook his head, looking a bit disappointed.
"Please don't ever put Yukimura-kun and the word servant in the same sentence, Nagakura-kun," Kondou said in the end, displeased with Nagakura's word. "She is one of us and even though she is a girl, I never thought her position is lower than any of you in the Shinsengumi."
Saitou and Inoue nodded their heads, agreeing with Kondou.
"Wait! All of you took me the wrong way! You didn't even let me finish what I want to say! It's only joking you know. I never thought of Chizuru-chan like that! It is just my opinion of how Hijikata-san acts to Chizuru-chan! And I never consider her lower than anyone in here!" Nagakura defended himself, but the others' faces were impassive. Inside, he already felt guilty from what he said. He just blurted out his comment without thinking.
"All the sake that you drank last night must still be in your system and not making you think straight, Shinpachi. I will spar with you after this meeting. Meet me in the dojo later." Saitou looked emotionless. But his tone of voice was promising a thorough beating session for the spar later.
"I know,” Nagakura said dejectedly. “And I'm sorry for what I've said." Later at night, in one room of the Shinsengumi headquarters, a scream of agony from the sore muscles could be heard from the whole compound. Nagakura learned the hard way to think first before speaking whatever was in his mind.
Nagakura Shinpachi was a smart man but sometimes his mouth had its own mind and would get him into a trouble.
"It is like what a man would do for someone that he has feelings for." Sannan, who had remained quiet the whole time, suddenly spoke. All heads turned to him. "It is like what a lover would do for someone that he worries and cares for."
A pregnant silent stretched inside the common room. And before the conversation could turn further against him, Hijikata stepped into the room and the talk ceased and behaved as if they hadn't just been discussing him. No one asked if he heard what they were talking about before the fukuchou came to the common room.
All the captains in the Shinsengumi somehow knew that Hijikata and Chizuru had a special relationship. But as if they had made a silent agreement, they never talked about the topic out loud. Kondou was the only one that knew the details of what happened between Hijikata and Chizuru. And now, Sannan had said it. They were silent after what Sannan had told them because they knew in their mind that what Sannan had said was true.
Hijikata was a perceptive man. That's why he felt grateful toward his comrades regarding his and Chizuru's situation. They never asked him anything about the matter; except Kondō, but that was also because of his 'stupid antics' and he would never do it again.
It was his problem. He would take full responsibility of the matter. Not to mention that he could feel the urge to always be near Chizuru. The idea of any man getting close to her was not an option.
He wanted her for himself.
Was it lust?
Or was there something deeper in what he felt toward the only woman in the Shinsengumi?
Was it… love?
The thought of the 'l' word made him snort. His position and occupation did not permit him to have the luxury for that kind of thing. He would only bring disaster if he allowed himself to bring that feeling inside the Shinsengumi. He was, after all, the vice commander of the Shinsengumi. That was enough to make anyone to think a hundred times before they wanted to get near him in a serious relationship.
Except her.
Hijikata saw Chizuru leaning on one of the pillars in the hallway. After she regained her health from the fever, and after she wasn't allowed to do any chores (courtesy of him), he always saw that she would sit in the hallway in front of her room and would gaze in silence toward the snowy courtyard.
When he heard what she had said, his hands were itching to embrace and hug the petite woman. But he restrained himself and would only look at Chizuru from a distance. The urge to go to the woman was very strong, but he steeled his resolve and in the end he could hold it.
He didn't realize that his protective side had gone a bit overboard regarding Chizuru. He would do almost everything he could to ensure her safety.
"Fukuchou."
Hijikata turned to the voice that called him. He found Saitou stood next to him, bowing his head.
"What do you want, Saitou?"
"Kyokuchou (the chief) is looking for you."
"Okay. I will go to him."
Saitou left Hijikata after that. Hijikata looked at Chizuru, who had not moved from her position leaning on the pillar, for the last time, before he turned the other way and went to meet with Kondou.
---
Several days later, Chizuru found herself walking to Sannan and Heisuke's room. Usually the one that would bring their meals was Saitou. But he was away on duty and would not back for a long time because of things that followed after the Aburano Koji incident.
Many of the members of the Shinsengumi didn't know that Hijikata had given Saitou a direct order to join Itou when he left the Shinsengumi. Only some of them (the higher-ranking members) knew the truth and all the details regarding why Saitou left the Shinsengumi. So, when Saitou came back to join the Shinsengumi again, many of the members of the Shinsengumi were not happy and thought that he was a traitor and a coward. To the members, Saitou had left the Shinsengumi to join Itou, and then betrayed his new master when he sensed a change in fortune. Honestly, Saitou didn't care much about the animosity that he received from the other members. He knew that he just followed his superior's orders. Chizuru had once asked Saitou about this. He said that he would rather stay silent than tarnish the honor of the vice commander and the chief who had ordered his actions. But Kondou and Hijikata thought that it was not good that Saitou got all the blame. Therefore, Hijikata decided that Saitou would leave the compound until tempers inside the compound cooled down. He was assigned to protect a man named Miura Kyutaro, an official of the Kishu Domain, and would stay at Tenma.
Miura Kyotaro was an important clansman of the Kii domain who was assumed had been behind Sakamoto's death. It was assumed that Miura had arranged for the Shinsengumi to kill Sakamoto because of some incident. Later Miura had learned that his life was in danger and had arranged through Aizu for the Shinsengumi to protect him. That's when Saitou came in.
"Heisuke-kun, I bring your meal." Chizuru announced her presence. Heisuke slid his door open a little and peeked from the gap between his door and the wall.
"Thank you, Chizuru. Just leave the food outside and I will take it later. I'm not that hungry right now." Chizuru could see through the little gap that Heisuke was smiling a little at her. She had heard that since he became a Rasetsu, Heisuke's mood was mostly on the negative side. Hearing the light and usual tone that he used when he talked to her made Chizuru feel happy and sad. Happy because she could talk to her friend again and sad because…
"Chizuru." Heisuke cut into Chizuru's inner thought. He had slid the door open further, making the gap bigger. He knew what Chizuru was thinking at that moment. This was not the first time a thing like this had happened. From Chizuru's face Heisuke knew that the woman was thinking about that topic again. Chizuru had asked Heisuke about this the day after he rejoined the Shinsengumi and became a Rasetsu.
"Ye-Yes, Heisuke-kun?" Chizuru stuttered a bit. She was surprised when Heisuke cut into her inner thoughts.
"I will say it as many times as it needed. It was my decision to become a Rasetsu. I know that becoming a Rasetsu is not a good thing. But, I don't want to die yet. I would regret many things if I just died like that. Just… be happy that I'm alive and can talk to you like now." Heisuke gave Chizuru a wry smile.
"I'm happy that you're still alive and we can talk like this again, Heisuke-kun."
'If only you know that my supposed father made the ochimizu for a dreadful and stupid purpose and nothing could ever return the rasetsu back to be a human….'
"Okay, okay. Stop with the heavy feelings. I don't want to talk about it anymore. The case is closed." Heisuke clapped his hands "Heavy matters are for Hijikata-san to think about."
Heisuke posed as Hijikata, folding his hands over his chest, scowling and furrowing his eyebrows. "He is always like this whenever I see him. Wonder why that face of his doesn't get any wrinkles because he always furrows his eyebrows like this."
Chizuru covered her mouth and let out a little laugh at Heisuke's attempt to pose as Hijikata.
"AH! Don't tell Hijikata-san about this okay? I would surely lose my head if he found out that I imitated him. He is more frightening than any oni I've ever met." He was that afraid of that the vice commander. Rasetsu or not.
Chizuru couldn't hold in her laugh and let it out a little again. Heisuke's antics were never old. Even though her friend had become a rasetsu, Heisuke would still be Heisuke. One of her dearest friends.
"I promise," she told him in the midst of regaining her composure. Heisuke gave Chizuru a lopsided grin.
"Okay, I will eat now. After those heavy talks, I'm hungry." Heisuke rubbed his stomach to emphasize his words.
"Hai. Here's your food." Chizuru gave a tray of food to Heisuke. "Do you know where Sannan-san is? I came to his room first but he isn't in his room."
"Nope. He always does whatever he wants. No one knows what he thinks these days. But, Chizuru, regarding Sannan-san, I want to give you some advice."
"What?" Chizuru asked, confused with the sudden change of Heisuke's tone.
"Don't get too close to him. Watch out and be careful when you are alone together in the same room." Heisuke spoke seriously.
Chizuru nodded her head, not sure why Heisuke would say something like that about Sannan. Sannan activities were indeed suspicious, not to mention with the rumors of the Rasetsu squad about what they did when they were 'patrolling'. She didn't want to think anything bad about Sannan, but it didn't hurt to be cautious.
---
"Sannan-san?"
Chizuru waited for Sannan about an hour after she gave Heisuke his meal. Then she decided to return to her room. She told Yamazaki, who was working in the kitchen, that she didn't meet Sannan. Yamazaki told her that he would be the one to give Sannan his meal later.
When she turned to the corner of the hallway that would lead to her room, she found the bespectacled man was standing in front of her door.
"Ah, there you are, Yukimura. I am looking for you." Sannan turned his head to Chizuru when she called him.
"It's still day time," Chizuru walked a few steps and stopped at an arm's length from Sannan. She was concerned with Sannan's condition. "Are you sure you are alright, walking in the day time like this?"
"It's okay." Sannan gave Chizuru a smile. But somehow, Chizuru felt uncomfortable and uneasy with Sannan's smile.
"I also was looking for you earlier. I came to your room to give your meal but you were not there."
"I have been waiting for you in here. There is something that I want to talk to you about." Sannan's smile was still on his face. He was somewhat happy about something, which was a rare sight to be seen these days.
"P-please come inside the room first." Chizuru was nervous with Sannan's behavior but she was also concerned with Sannan's body. Rasetsu were night creatures and they didn't adapt well to the sunlight. Even though the sun wasn't bright that day, it was still day time.
"Thank you," Sannan said politely.
They entered Chizuru's room but the door was left open.
"Please have a seat," Chizuru offered politely.
"No need. I've just had a revelation. And this has made me unable to stay still." Sannan's eyes glittered with... something. He was still smiling but slowly that smile gave Chizuru a cold feeling that she could feel seep in through her fingers and begin to poke at the base of her spine.
"Well," Sannan lowered his voice and looked at Chizuru in a menacing way, "will you listen to what I've found?"
Chizuru nodded her head unconsciously. Cold sweat was dripping down her back.
"You're an oni, aren't you?" Sannan began slowly. "As an oni, you are stronger, faster, and more resilient than humans like us. That power was displayed quite clearly by the onis who attacked us at Nishihongwanji months ago."
"T-That is true." Chizuru gulped. "But my knowledge about fighting or anything related to a battle is limited. Not like Kazama or his companions who excelled with those things."
"It's not about those things." Sannan shook his head but his eyes were looking straight at Chizuru. "It's about what you have as an oni, not about what you can do as it."
Sannan took a step closer to Chizuru.
"W-What are you trying to say?" Chizuru took a step back, almost tripping because of the nervous feeling she felt.
"An oni possesses immense power. And shouldn't it be a logical thought to follow that the blood which flows through your veins, the oni veins, should be similarly powerful?" Sannan asked a question, but looked like he didn't need an answer. "Perhaps it is even potent enough to completely counteract the madness of the rasetsu."
Chizuru didn't know how the ochimizu worked but from Sannan's explanation, she found that it seemed logical and maybe a solution for the rasetsu madness. Still, the eyes that were looking at her were… how could she describe it? The way Sannan had looked at her was a bit… manic.
"Is it true? How you can be so sure?" Chizuru took another step back.
"I have done research on the ochimizu since before I became a rasetsu. Your father left his research about the ochimizu and went missing before he finished it. I was the one that took over his job and I have been researching about it since then. I know more about it than anyone else here in the Shinsengumi." Sannan also took a step forward to Chizuru. "How could I be wrong, then?"
Sannan didn't get any closer to Chizuru but he didn't leave the room either. His main purpose for coming to meet Chizuru was not done yet.
"But again, I still have to test it for myself to be sure. It's worth testing after all."
Chizuru took another step back and felt her hand touch the wall surface behind her. If she took another step, she would be trapped between Sannan and the wall. She was sure that if she tried to escape from the menacing man in front of her now, her feet would not get her far enough to call for help… she doubted she would be heard. When she walked to her room from the kitchen earlier, she didn't meet anyone on the way.
'What should I do?'
Sannan continued to talk as if he didn't notice Chizuru's anxiousness and fright, although these were obvious from the look on her face.
"If I am correct on this thing," he paused and gave a big smile, "oh, it would be wonderful! Your very existence could save the entire rasetsu squad!
"...No, it could save the entire Shinsengumi!"
Sannan's eyes had grown painfully sharp and Chizuru thought that she could almost hear the barest edge of madness to Sannan's voice.
"And now…"
Calmly and purposefully, Sannan drew his sword from its scabbard on his waist and pointed the tip at Chizuru. There was no madness or blood-lust to his movements, and that only made them all more terrifying.
"Please don't be afraid. There's nothing to be afraid of." He tried in his way to sooth Chizuru, but it had the opposite effect on the frightened woman. "I'm not going to kill you or anything.
"I just want a small sample of your blood. That will be all…"
Chizuru forgot that if she took another step to back, she would hit the wall. She took another step and when her back hit the wall, she was startled. There was no way she could escape Sannan. Her body was overwhelmed with a dreadful feeling.
But… if what Sannan had said was true, then she could help the Shinsengumi. She could be a help for the Shinsengumi's members and would no longer feel useless or worthless.
The Ochimizu that Kodou had made gave the one that drank it a surge of immense power but it also took their sanity. Only a few that had survived could suppress the blood-lust that followed after drinking the ochimizu. Sannan and Heisuke were among them. Suddenly, she remembered the night when a rasetsu had escaped and come to her room. The man told her that her blood smelled very good and the sweet scent had lured him to her room. Maybe it was his instinct to find the thing that could save him from losing his insanity. Maybe her oni's blood was a cure that could save the Shinsengumi's rasetsu. That could save her friends from losing their sanity….
She only had to give Sannan a small amount of her blood. He said that he would not kill her and it's not that she would die from losing too much blood. Her wound would close immediately and it would not endanger her life.
Chizuru looked back at Sannan and the man had taken another step closer to her. He lifted his katana and the steel blade shimmered in the light. She was contemplating the idea of Sannan's suggestion when suddenly a gruff voice cut into her thoughts.
"What are you doing Sannan-san?"
To be continued
Note: Whose voice that had interrupted Chizuru's thought? Well... we do know whose voice it is. (It's canon with the story *hint-hint*)
This chapter is a filler. At first, I want to end this chapter with Chizuru find a resolve of her inner conflict to stay with the Shinsengumi. But the chapter will be twice longer then the usual length. So, I decide that the main part will be on the next chapter. The next chapter will be mostly focus on Hijikata and Chizuru.
I hope you enjoy this chapter. And reviews and feed-backs will always be appreciated.
See u on the next chapter.
#hakuoki#fanfiction#romance#angst#hijikata toshizo#yukimura chizuru#shinsengumi's captain#chapter 12#disclaimer: hakuoki is not mine#writing
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Hey dx. Hope you're well. I don't know if you remember this ask, but I'm the anon who asked a few months ago about supporting a friend in med school with depression and finding it a bit much. A lot has happened since then. She's sadly left med school and has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Currently she doesn't really have stable periods and is either high or low. I got kind of ok with having boundaries with texting etc/meet-ups only when actually able to. Part 1
Part 2. Anon supporting friend here. Recently she’s been high and has been messaging me nearly all day every day/asking if I’m there if I take time to reply/constantly updating me on what she’s doing/sending me all her family pictures. I’m finding it really stressful and overwhelming, tried turning off my notifications yesterday but still keeps going. My own anxiety is flaring up and I’m stressed hugely with workload.
Part 3. Anon supporting friend. I’ve told her I take time to reply because I’m stressed/overwhelmed and yet the messages keep coming. I know she’s hypomanic/manic so she probably sees things in a different perspective atm and forgets that it’s too much. I’m wondering whether it’s worth asking her to please message a little less as I find it overwhelming to get so many messages each day, or whether it will just not work as she isn’t in her right mind. Part 4. She has got professional help in place. She’s fallen out with her other friends because they don’t message her when she’s low etc/her best friend has distanced herself from her because she doesn’t know what to say. I don’t want to not be friends but I need to work something out! I’m trying to remember she’s ill but I’m starting to feel unwell too. Any advice?! PS. I know this is an extremely long ask and that you’re very busy, so please take your time if you need
Hey, I’m glad to hear from you again. I’m so sorry for my late reply; I rread your ask at the time, and thought about it a lot. But I had to take some time to process my own life problems and mental health, and I couldn’t really give most of my asks the time or energy they deserved, so I had to leave them until they could. Which is kind of the theme of this ask, ironically. But I hope late is better than never. Thank you for your message at the end of your ask, it’s very much appreciated :) I’m so sorry that your friend’s going through a rough time, and that you are, too. I’m so sorry to hear that she left med school; bipolar is a truly difficult illness, she has been on a really tough journey. I’m glad she has professional support; that’s always a huge deal because the right treatment and support can revolutionise people’s lives. I’ve seen it, and though I don’t think the way we treat mental health is perfect, I do think we can do so much good by acknowledging mental illness and treating it properly. And taking people seriously. I’m glad to hear you started to work out some boundaries that worked for you; it’s tough, but it’s good to hear that you made some progress, even if it doesn’t always work out as well as you hope, it’s still progress. You’re right to put your own wellbeing first; it’s hard for us to support others if we’re being brought to a mental breakdown ourselves. It’s a hard lesson for us to learn, but you can’t serve others with a broken/empty cup. I think it’s a really fair idea to turn off notifications to avoid overloading yourself. She can keep going; thats OK. You can’t control your friend’s mania, or how ‘full on’ they are; perhaps not even they can. Unfortunately, that’s part of the illness. And it seems you understand that well, deep inside. She might process things differently, and I think you’re an excellent friend for doing your best to support them, and understand what they are going through. I’m putting this under a cut because it’s long.
Everyone reacts differently to being told the truth, so only you will know how they might respond. Sometimes we can just tell people ‘sorry, I’m not feeling well so I might not respond much’. Sometimes we invent excused to be kind or because we aren’t ready to talk about the entire story; in my view, in personal* settings, it’s OK to tell white lies not to hurt people sometimes. I’ve told friends I’ve been sick or oncall when I couldn’t attend events because I was physically exhausted or not feeling well, because I really cared about seeing them but didn’t want them to think I was not coming because I was not bothered. However, with close friends I’m honest, and the vast majority of the time, if I say I’m oncall, it’s because I’m actually oncall. I don’t like fibbing, and I don’t like hurting people’s feelings, so it’s a fine line, but I’d rather feel a bit guilty than make others feel bad. It might be OK if you tell her that you sometimes need time to reply because you are overwhelmed; have you ever discussed your own mental health issues with them? Do they get that you get really anxious or overwhelmed? It might depend on how much insight they have into their own state right now, and perhaps it’d be difficult for them to moderate how they act, or how they feel about it. However, if you find yourself having to take quite a bit of time to yourself, don’t feel shy to just tell them “I’m not ignoring, you, I just wasn’t feeling well and had to take a break, I’m listening now”. Or you could say “I care about all your messages, and I always read them all, but sometimes I can’t reply to them all at once because I’m busy/overwhelmed/tired/unable to process it all”. If they get upset because you haven’t replied, it might help to reassure them that you do care (because this is, deep down, what they fear”, and that you care about their wellbeing, but that other issues in your life have been stressing you out, too. And that you just didn’t want to bother them with your stress, so needed to take some time out. There are ways of discussing it that don’t outright lay the blame on them, or make out that they are the cause of your problems, when it’s not true, and therefore avoids making them feel guilty for things outside of their control. Something can be not the cause of our problems/stress and still be overwhelming, and if you’re able to be honest with them, I think that’s a good way to put it across. As well as the idea that in order to be truly there for them, and have enough energy and time to be able to support them, sometiems you need to take time out to process the other things in your life. Work, uni, family, love life, etc, whatever it is. Telling someone “I have a lot of thigns in life that are stressing me out, and draining my energy, and sometimes I need to take some time out to process/fix them, and rest before I can chill with you and help you, and be happy with you, because otherwise I’d spend my time with you stressed and miserable and might make you feel worse” makes sense. I can’t say if that would work for your friend, but I feel a lot of people would understand that. In the end, I am sure they care about you, too. But because of their own illness and issues, deep down they are probably terrified of losing you too. They know that their illness can make things harder for them, harder for those around them, and they probably feel really bad about that; we all beat ourselves up over stuff like that. Reminding them that you care, and want to be there, and want to be strong and rested so you don’t bring them down with your own problems is actually a kindness to them. I remember publishing a similar ask/anwer/post by someone else who answered a similar question, because it reminded me of you and your ask. I hope you saw that, it might be tagged under my #mental health and medicine tag. You come across as a supportive, loving friend who is doing their best, please don’t feel guilty if you have to put yourself first. I hope you and your friend take the time you need to heal. * In professional settings, we’re bound by the rules of probity. We don’t lie in medicine. TBH my parents raised us to NEVER LIE, which makes working in medicine easier because I’m a terrible gulty fibber who likes to follow all the rules and who doesn’t even like parking in the wrong place, much less anything exciting.
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Lost in my mind
The worst person in the world, that’s how it feels right now. My depression is quite bad at the moment, I am tired, have no energy, everything aches and it feels like a part of me has died inside. Not the best and most positive way to begin a blog but I wanted a safe place where I could be myself and share my feelings, I doubt anyone will read this anyway lol.
I just can’t seem to pick myself up. I was really unwell and suicidal at the start of the year, the most poorly I have been in years. Thankfully I found a wonderful Psychiatrist and improved just as the country went into lockdown. This has been a hard year for the whole nation obviously but lately my health has gone downhill again and it is not easy to access help as we are currently living with the restrictions of a global pandemic and that scares me a bit as I am used to being able to easily see a gp etc.
I feel so guilty as people are dying of Covid-19 and my friend is having cancer treatment all on her own as her partner can’t be there due to the restrictions and here I am struggling to manage emotionally.
I also have really hurt my older sister who means the world to me. I am not in relationship with my younger sister and consequently was not seeing her children and I unintentionally took it out on my older sister who i adore and need in my life. My actions however have wrecked my relationship with her and she is very low emotionally and there is nothing I can do about it as she won’t talk to me and I think I may even have contributed to her mental health decline and can’t forgive myself. I feel sick with guilt
Maybe someone forgot to fit me with a heart?
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Unrequited | Jungkook | part 2
Jungkook x reader
Angst, slight smut
Warnings: ^ “slight smut” (in part 1), swearing, mentions of anxiety
Word count: 2712
pt. 1
The current movie playing on my TV was already a lost cause. It was half way through and I hadn't paid attention to it for more than the first 2 minutes. It couldn't have been any more ironic as it was about a girl in love with a boy who was in love with another girl. Even though there was no other girl in my situation, I felt sick to my stomach watching it. The bowl of popcorn lies untouched on my lap and I chew on the flesh of my cheek unconsciously instead.
Surprisingly enough, life had gone on for four days now to be exact. Jungkook had acted like nothing ever happened and it broke me even more. Not that my heart wasn't already torn into tiny pieces.
"This is so unrealistic."
My mind is brought back to reality by Jungkook's sudden comment. My head snaps into his direction and I blink a few times to focus back on current time.
"How so?" I force myself to ask him. I was the least bit interested in his opinion at the moment, as harsh as it sounds. I couldn't help myself, but to be a little angry at him, even though he was still as clueless as ever. But more than that, I was the angriest at myself. I pop a small popcorn into my mouth to create the illusion I was fine.
"The protagonist is so dumb. Can't she just get the hint to back off? She could have at least told the guy she loved him." Jungkook shakes his head. I accidentally choke on a piece of popcorn as I heard what he just said. I start coughing unattractively.
Jungkook notices and starts patting on my back.
"Jesus, can you be careful with those things? I don't want you to die just yet." he winks and smirks at me.
Usually I would have teased him back, but I couldn't even force myself to do that. I wanted to hit him, yell him about what a dick he was being and leave his sorry ass behind, but for some reason, I couldn't find myself even considering that option. I was still very aware of the fact that he thought I agreed when he said he thinks we're too different to start a relationship. I was the one who made him think that way. I was the one who hurt myself in the process by making a stupid decision.
So instead, I stare at him dead in the eyes and manage to swallow the piece of popcorn stuck on my throat. Jungkook furrows his eyebrows, most probably surprised he didn't hear a witty comeback from me.
"Are you feeling okay (Y/N)? You've seemed a little off this whole day."
"Actually, I do have a slight headache." I see my chance to put up an excuse for my forced behavior. I place my fingers on my temples, attempting to soothe the non existent headache.
"Shit, why didn't you tell me?" Jungkook gets up from the couch and walks towards his kitchen.
"I- I didn't want to bother you with my problems." I quietly mutter under my breath. Every lie that I told him made me regretful right after the words had left my mouth, but I still kept doing it. I saw it as a form of defense.
"(Y/N), sometimes you worry me because you never tell me when you're unwell." he shouts from the kitchen as I can hear some shuffling and rattling.
I let out a huff, shaking my head at myself. I was so stupid for letting my heart still race at the smallest caring gestures he did for me. It was nothing special, but he managed to make me feel like it was, like I was special. He just had that kind of an effect on people.
Jungkook soon comes back to the living room. He hands me a glass of water and a painkiller before sitting back down next to me on the couch. I can't help but notice the way his thigh brushes against mine, and I instantly regret it as flashbacks of that night reappear. I visibly flinch at my thoughts, making Jungkook notice too.
"You look really sick, just swallow the pill and it should help ease the pain soon." he sighs and watches on to make sure I eat the pill. I gently place it on my tongue and drink the whole glass of water right after. I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand and lean back on the couch, ready to continue pretending i'm paying attention to the movie we had decided to watch. But Jungkook doesn't take his eyes off of me.
"What?" I snap at him and immediately flinch at my tone of voice.
"(Y/N) are you sure this isn't about that night?"
My eyes widen and my heart stops for a few seconds in shock. I quickly try to compose myself and clear my suddenly dry throat a few times.
"Wh- what? N- no, of course not, I just have a head ache, that's all." I manage to stutter out. He doesn't look convinced.
"Are you sure it doesn't bother you or anything?"
"Y- yes. I am sure. I promise." I mentally wince at my own words. I just couldn't find it in me to tell him the truth. I was too scared.
Thankfully he seems to buy it, although he doesn't look too convinced, but he drops the subject anyway, turning his attention back to the TV as well. As I look at him, I can't help but wonder why he's being like this. He has never been as caring and worried about my well being before. A million questions pop into my mind and I can't help but let one slip past my lips.
"Why do you suddenly care?" I ask so quietly it comes out as a whisper, but he hears it, i'm sure of it.
Jungkook doesn't take his eyes off the TV.
"Why wouldn't I care? You're my best friend."
"No, Jungkook. Why do you suddenly care so much?"
Jungkook swallows a lump in his throat and averts his eyes from the TV, but they still don't meet mine.
“I don’t know.” he admits, not daring to look at me.
I don’t reply, not knowing what to say. We both stay quiet and watch the movie in silence, but a voice inside my head tells me neither of us paid any attention to the rest of the film.
For an entire week after that movie night, I avoided Jungkook. I avoided him at all costs. I didn’t reply to his texts or calls, I didn’t talk to him and I didn’t see him. At first he kept blowing up my phone like I had expected him to do, but then when he realized I wasn’t replying he stopped completely. I knew he knew I was okay, I had still talked to Jimin and I was pretty sure Jungkook had gone asking around about me. It was so like him.
I needed that time alone. I needed it to clear my head and thoughts. I needed to figure myself out. Two things I was sure of however; I was still in love with Jeon Jungkook and I wasn’t falling out of it. The second thing being I was still shattered, my nightly crying proving that to be a fact. I tried to distract myself, to one by one collect some pieces of my heart and place them back, but it had turned out to be utterly impossible, as cliche as it sounds. My thoughts were 24/7 occupied by him.
I fell into a loop of self pity and constant anxiety. All I did was go to work, come back home and either sit on my couch trying to focus on the TV, but failing miserably, or trying to sleep, but only managing to catch a few hours per night. Dark circles had already formed around my eyes due to my lack of sleep, but everyday I covered it up with make up, trying to lie to myself I was okay.
This day was nothing out of that ordinary. I was once again stuck sitting on my couch, staring blankly at the TV screen. I wasn’t even paying enough attention to see what show was on as I struggled to concentrate on anything. Without me even realizing, a tear slipped from the corner of my eye and rolled down my cheek. When I noticed, I quickly wiped it away and blinked my eyes to stop myself from crying any further.
Then, just at the worst moment, I heard a knock at my door. First, my head snapped to it’s direction, but I didn’t move anywhere from the couch. I just stared at the door, not wanting to go open it, whoever was behind it. Then they knocked again, louder this time and I realized this person wasn’t going to give up before I answered the door. They obviously knew I was home.
I sighed, lazily getting up from the couch and dragging myself to the door. I opened the door, only to be surprised by a heavy body falling on me. I reacted as quickly as my tired body could and caught him before he hit the floor, lifting him up enough for him to support himself on my shoulder.
“Shit, Jungkook what have you done?” I scolded when I managed to take a peak at his current state. He looked drunk, his hair messy and face swollen. The only reply I received was a low, obviously drunken chuckle. He pulled himself together enough to stand on his own and drag his eyes slowly from the floor to my face.
“Where have you been (Y/N)?” he slightly slurred. He looked hurt, which for a second made me feel guilty about ignoring him like I did. I looked down at the floor in shame.
“I’ve been gone.” I whispered, already feeling the anxiety building up just at the sight of him.
Jungkook took a step closer to me and tilted my chin up with his fingers. I flinched at his touch and even in his obviously drunken state, he noticed. I didn’t dare to look into his eyes, but the intensity of his stare made me weak.
“Why?” he almost whispered, his face incredibly close to mine.
I stared at the ground for a while, not sure of what I should tell him.
“I- I just needed some space.” I told him. It wasn’t the entire truth, but at least I wasn’t lying anymore.
“Then you should have just told me.” Jungkook angrily snapped at me and let go of my chin.
“I’m sorry.” was all I could say at that moment.
“Why didn’t you stop me?”
My breath hitched in my throat and I looked up at him. I had never in my life seen him as serious as he was and it was rather intimidating, but the question that had just left his lips was making me freeze on my spot.
“Wh- what do you mean?”
Jungkook looked down and his hand came up to push some of his hair out of his face.
“That night at Jimins party. Why didn’t you stop me?” he asked as he lifted his gaze up again, desperation in his eyes.
My mouth hung open, stunned by his question. It was the question I had been asking myself everyday ever since it had happened. It was the question I still even myself didn’t know the answer to.
“Did you want me to?” I quietly dared to ask.
“No, but I can see you regret it.” he admitted. “It’s obvious, (Y/N). No need to hide it.”
A tear I hadn’t even noticed slipped from my eye and rolled down my cheek. I didn’t even bother to try and wipe it away anymore, I didn’t have the energy to.
“You don’t understand.”
“What do I not understand? That you don’t feel anything towards me so you wish you’d stopped? No, I get it.” he slurred the last part and leaned his back against a wall to keep his balance.
“I love you.” I didn’t know what it was, the general exhaustion, being tired of lying or if it was just the heat of the moment that made me say it, but I had let it slip and now there was no taking it back, no excuses and no lies.
“What?” Jungkook asked, thinking he had heard me wrong.
“I regret it because I’m in love with you.”
More tears started streaming down my face and I shut my eyes as my vision became blurred by them. I didn’t hear Jungkook say anything, I wasn’t even sure if he was breathing anymore. All I could hear were my soft sobs.
After a short while, I heard Jungkook push himself off the wall and walk closer to me. I didn’t dare to move nor open my eyes. I felt him place his cold hand against my cheek, as his thumb began to caress it, wiping away some of the tears in the process. What I didn’t expect, was the feeling of his lips press against the corner of my mouth in the softest and most careful way. He pecked the spot a few times more, before he moved to my lips, where the kiss lingered for a few seconds. At first, I didn’t kiss back out of confusion, until he slightly pulled away, only to rest his forehead against mine.
“I love you too.” he whispered loud enough for me to hear. He gave me only a few seconds to register what he had just said, before he pressed his lips back in mine. This time, I carefully kissed back, still in disbelief of his words. He seemed to notice my hesitation and pulled back again. He brushed some of my hair behind my ear and smiled.
“That night... I was so sure you wouldn’t feel the same about me that I lied.”
His eyes looked so genuine and filled with love it made my heart beat faster.
“So, I love you.” he nervously chuckled.
“I love you too.” I whispered back and pulled him into another kiss by his collar. I felt him smile into the kiss, so I did too.
As I pulled back from the kiss to breathe, Jungkook stumbled on his place, reminding me that he was still drunk. I quickly grabbed his hand which made him look down at it, and then back at my face. A blush appeared on his face and I giggled, pulling him with me towards the kitchen.
I made Jungkook sit down on a chair as I grabbed a glass, filling it with water. I could feel his eyes on me the whole time.
“Drink this.” I offered. He happily took it and drank the whole glass in one go, not once taking his eyes off of me. When he was done, he placed the glass down on the table and smiled up at me. I placed my hands around his neck and straddled his lap, all the while his hands wrapped around my waist to hold me securely.
“We should go to sleep. You look tired.” Jungkook chuckled and pecked my lips once.
“We?”
“Well I need to sleep too.” he smirked at me, as he pushed himself up from the chair and made me wrap my legs around him. I buried my face in his neck to hide my blush, making him chuckle. He carried me all the way to my bedroom, swaying a little every once in a while, but kept insisting he was fine every time I offered to walk by myself.
He placed me down on the bed and demanded me to get under the covers. I obliged and watched as he made his way to the other side. He jumped in next to me and immediately pulled me to his chest, kissing my forehead rather sweetly.
“Are you gonna be here when I wake up?” I asked him out of curiosity. He looked into my eyes and without him speaking, I already knew the answer to my question.
“Yes, I’m gonna be right here.”
A/N: I’m not exactly 100% happy with this (damn writers block), but here it is ~ hope it wasn’t too disappointing haha
#bts#bts imagine#bts scenarios#bts angst#bt-yes-network#jeon jungkook#jungkook#jungkook imagine#jungkook angst#jungkook smut#bts smut
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If you only read one post, make it this one!
so basically thought I’d do a top tip run through of my journey with a frame, starting at the hospital stay when it first went on and the challenges I faced and how I hope to help anyone else with it.
TOP TIP; take all the pain medication they give you because in the early days although it may not be hurting at that current time, when the pain does settle in it is very difficult to get rid of / overcome, so best option is to keep onto the pain meds. I’d say to carry on with the 4 x 2 paracetamol a day until you are really ready to give it up, first couple months I was on this and dihydrocodiene. I was also put on zapain and Amitriptyline for my nerve pain / sleep issues. obviously please seek doctors advice on medication as everyone is different. I was told to avoid anti-inflamitories as it can effect the bone healing process. Additionally when you’re in hospital if the physios come around to see you, trust them and your leg. I was walking with crutches around the hospital about 36 hours after the operation. when you leave the hospital, you’ve had a trauma so don’t over do it, but weight bearing is essential for bone growth when treating it this way so the more you can do it / the earlier you feel comfortable and confident to do so the better. (Took me around 3 months to really trust my leg and it’s really put a set back in my recovery)
Please don’t beat yourself up when you’re not back to “normal” straight away! we take such minor things like walking for granted, or walking with a cup in your hand. don’t think any less of yourself for asking for help. we all need it sometimes.
Physio therapy - I go weekly to a frame class which has been great both for physical rehabilitation and the mental side of the recovery, everyone at the class is at a different stage of recovery and went through the same challenges I faced so was good to have the moral support of those and the OT that comes around with goal setting activities and tips on diet / exercise / sleeping / clothing / practicalities of the frame. I also had quite a few hydrotherapy sessions which massively helped my with the confidence to put weight through the leg fully. 👩⚕️🦵💪 took me three months to trust my leg and the frame and once I started walking it wasn’t pretty but it was progress, I know I should’ve trusted it earlier and it was mind over matter. I’ll put my traditional workout at the bottom for anyone who’s interested😊
Sleeping with the frame. I really struggled to sleep at the start of this, but elevation is the key. I put my leg on two pillows and then a blanket under my foot so I wasn’t constricted to the ex-gaitor overnight, the hospital did provide me with a lug cuff to tie around the foot and attach to the frame but I didn’t get on with it. dependent on how high your frame goes and where the pins are it may be possible to sleep on your side but I’ve found that I can only sleep on my back, luckily I have a double bed that I don’t have to share so can sleep diagonally for more comfort. During the winter I adapted a pillow case to go around the frame so the metal wasn’t cold on my other leg. Doing a full body relaxation / mindfulness programme could really help settle you down for the night. additionally at the start napping is brilliant, if you’re tired and have time for a nap then do so. 😴🛏
Clothing - many different things you can do with adapting clothing, I have cut the legs of many pairs of leggings so I can minipulate bit over the frame and then use a mini skirt / scarf / pillow case to cover the frame. stretchy trousers, poppers joggers and large shorts have also been useful. Dresses were also very useful for me too. you can can the seams and Velcro or zipper the side of clothing but I didn’t have the skills to do so. Pyjama shorts / clothing are normally quite stretchy / baggy so I got myself a couple new pj sets and loungeware that have really helped. Underwear snags easily but with all clothing dress the frame leg first to reduce the snagging and always reduces the stress and frustration of getting dressed! additionally when you undress, undress the good leg first so leaves you more manoeuvre room with the frame. Keeping the frame covered does help reduce chances of infection and protects the leg as the metal is in your bones, if the frame gets too hot or too cold then it goes through. My foot was very swollen for lots of the recovery and I found that in winter my toes were very cold so ended up cutting the elastic of my socks so they could go on. For shoes I had an exgaitor shoe that attached to the frame and held my foot up, but as long as it fits under the frame you can wear trainers, flip flops, converse etc. I tended to wear a trainer on the left foot. 👟👗👚 the main issue with the clothing, bed sheets or towels is snagging, I am replacing all of the above once the frame is off! Some people found that wrapping the frame allowed clothing to go over / on easier without snagging. cling film, scarves and bandages were all mentioned by people in my group!
Showering - when your doctor clears you, nothing nicer than getting in the shower. I was washing myself from the sink for a very long time but once I invested in a shower stool it was a game changer. if you’re still unsteady on your feet, whack on swim wear and get someone to help you, I put a slip proof mat in front of the stool which was level with my bath so I could sit and then swing my legs in. I had my own towel and flannel to reduce the chances of any infection. once I dried the leg I then cleaned with the solution and wrapped any pin sites that needed wrapping. 💦🚿 on the topic of pin sites, they will ooze a bit when you start walking as they move naturally with your leg, but if you are worried about an infection, see the GP asap. I had one and the skin was red, was hot, felt unwell in myself and the pinsite was painful and very oozy. you’ll also know your body and frame better than anyone so if something changes or feels different get it checked 🦵 (drying the frame can be tricky and fiddly but a cheat I’ve used is to lightly put the hair dryer over it and get the droplets of water off that way)(not to close to the skin though as the frame does heat up really quickly)
Life in general - please don’t let the frame run your life. I had to give up work and driving but it can be very isolating. get out and about as much as you can or have family and friends over for a cup of tea / glass of wine or a pint. I had an active job so couldn’t go back for health and safety but a few people I know with the frames have gone back to office work with one on. People will point and they will stare in public, most people are lovely about it and will ask questions or try and help in any way they can. Meal prep is something that I found really helpful in my recovery, it allowed me to feel useful and do physio weight transfer exercises without thinking too much about it, for example stiring pasta sauces or cutting an onion. even things like making a drink and being able to carry it back into the room seem like such tiny things but it’s amazing. Going up and down stairs can be tricky with a frame but the physio will reach you how to use crutches to do it, either that or using the banister/wall. Coming down I found harder and my foot was at an angle due to the size of the frame. At the start I went up and down on my bottom which was cheating a bit but I didn’t have the energy to walk. a bad habit I soon had to get out of! 😂
Diet and Supplements - my surgeon had me on vitamin D supplements as well as Zinc/Magnesium. Additionally you’re told to try and take more calcium as it’s for bone strength and density. In regards to diet although you’re not doing as much during the day it’s important to keep the calorie intake at a normal rate, try eating lots of fibre, vegetables, fruit, protein etc. It’s also recommended that you lower your caffeine, fizzy drink and alcohol consumption. towards the end of my journey I was also put on vitamin C supplements but again please consult with a doctor before taking supplements 💊
Adjustments - if you have to do any adjustments my top tip would be to take your baseline medication at the same times you do your adjustments, so when I did mine it was at 8am, 12pm, 4pm and 8pm so I took my paracetamol at those times and then tended to take a stronger pain killer at about 10pm before I went to bed to ease the pain over night. The adjustments are meant to be staggered so it’s not too much in one go but I found the closer I was to the end of the programme the more it ached. Don’t worry if you hear any bone clicking, this was common for me. common side effects during the adjustments were achy pains, oozing pin sites, fatigue (napping between the 12 and 4 rotations was common for me) pins and needles and general discomfort. if you miss a turn don’t bulk do it, the programme is set for the way the bone should be, if you miss one simply postpone everything a day and start doing them a day behind when you’re meant to.
Swelling, elevation and anything else - swelling I found was really bad so elevating the foot was key, I am lucky enough to have reclining sofa’s so can now pop it out and elevate like that, but at the start I couldn’t lift my leg that high, so it started with a couple pillows on the floor and then a beanbag under it and then I worked up to the recliner. taking shoes and socks off also helped reduce the swelling. 🦶 if you have an adjustment programme then take your paracetamol baseline throughout as some days can be very painful. During the healing process your leg may feel itchy, swollen, hot, pins and needles, achy, painful. you may hear some clicking but I’ve been assured this is all normal. If The frame gets too hot or too cold then you will feel it in your bone, keep it well wrapped in the winter months and loosely covered from direct sunlight in summer. Transport is an issue for many and debating whether sitting in the back of the car with your leg across the back seats or the front and pushing the chair right back is a difficult decision. I found that the front seat is more comfortable and I felt less bumpy when sitting there than the back seats.
Mentally and Physically - as a therapist I understand how important mental health and wellbeing is. During this process there will be times where you feel low and days where you don’t want to get out of bed or wish things were different, if those feelings are becoming normal or overwhelming for you or your support system, please contact a GP about it. The journey with the frame is like a rollercoaster, you’ll be up and down, round and round. Speaking about your emotions to a support system can really help, please don’t isolate yourself! try and live day to day activities as normal as you can, adapt to life with a frame. get out the house and see your friends, staring at the same four walls isn’t healthy for you. Mental health is just as important as physical health, you won’t be able to fully recover if you’re not healthy in both mind and body. Headspace is a great app for mindfulness and relaxation techniques if this is something you think would be helpful.
So there are my top tips and experiences, can’t currently think of anything else that I haven’t mentioned somewhere in this post. Everyone will have good and bad days, the people around you are also affected by the frame and impact it has on both your and their lives.
Keep up with the medication, supplements, physio / hydro, keep your step count high and your spirit higher. Surround yourself with people who care and please don’t be afraid to ask for help or take a day off to rest. I am currently also on ultra sound machine for the break hoping to see some progress with that on the next X-ray.
I have never used a wheel chair (apart from in the hospital) to get around, always went out with crutches but know a few of the others in the group have used mobility scooters as an extra sense of security and reassurance when going out in public. Don’t be scared to ask for help or if you are walking don’t worry about being slower than people or needing frequent stops.
If you’re having a good day, do those extra 100 steps or whatever your targets are, it makes up for those down days where you barley move! 😃
General physio routine / circuit
- leg press 5 x 10 reps, single leg. I do 35kg on the frame leg and 45kg on the non frame leg. I then do 2 x 10 reps of 45kg using both legs.
- wobble board I do 5 minutes front and back and then 5 minutes side to side, also try and do a few minutes balancing it in the middle. (This is really helpful at the start of therapy as it helps weight transference.
- 10 minutes cross trainer on level 10. sometimes I have to do this is two 5 minute stints as it very hard work.
- step ups x30 left leg first, x30 right leg first. this one I have to do next to the bars as sometimes when putting the framed leg up first I want the extra support. (Try and do this on the stairs at home too)
- stairs - just go up and down a few times, at the start of the journey it was both legs onto the same step but now i try and alternate my legs. Going down is much harder to alternate and I still need the hand rails for support. (Do this at least twice a day at home)
- tip toe and heel dips, after I’ve done the stairs I remove my exgaitor shoe and do some tip top and heel dips, this is to try and gain the movement in my toes and ankles. I have to use both hand rails for support on this one. (Can do this one easily at home with the stairs too so try and do it once a day)
- trampet, on this one I also do it shoe less and it’s just about trying to increase the ankle range of movement. I either do marching / high knees or do something similar to the side to side on the wobble board rolling my foot.
- calf stretches, medicine ball squats, tightrope style walking and side steps are also part of the routine of i feel like I need them. I also like to stand on my bad leg and stretch/tap the good leg at 6-12 positions on a clock but do it slow and controlled. My physios have also tried throwing and catching making me stretch on the frame leg, we tried a game of football where I could only kick with the unframed leg. Hydrotherapy was also a big part of my road to recovery as it allowed me to get the weight transference and help my knee bends! hula hooping was also an exercise I did when I was struggling to load the frame leg, it just allows you to work on balancing yourself and the weight evenly. could be worth giving it a go if you’re able to stand unaided. Additional help for the knee bend I found was putting a plastic bag under the foot and bringing your knee back, i found it worked best on tiled/wooden flooring so I did this in my bathroom sat on the toilet. Push and pull your leg/foot forwards and backwards. this was great for the first month or so when I was really struggling.
#broken leg#external fixator#external frame#frame#ilizarov#ilizarov frame#leg#taylor spatial#taylor spatial frame#exgaitor#recovery#progress#blog#experience#help#idea#Fixator#leg frame#ex gaitor#inspiration
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Music = Life
So when I began to think about what I would like my first post (other than my introduction) to be about, I think the topic quite quickly jumped out at me. Or to use a related term, its caught me like an ear worm. Music for me has always dominated my life, in the best possible way. I personally can't live without it. To get the cliche out of the way, because it needs to be said; music is life. Its in everything we do. Its in the beat of your feet as you walk down the street. Its in the voices of young children who are learning how to form their first words. Its the very context in which my life is set i suppose; or at least a large part of the context.
It goes right back to the parents doesn't it. My dad was and always will be massively into music. And he really knows his stuff in my opinion. From the Ramones to Sandy Denny, Bob Dylan to Nirvana, Led Zep to Bright Eyes (one of the few acts we have seen together, amazing gig, don't get me started! Ha!). Even my mother who has never been massively into music has her favourite artists and things, Adam and the Ants, Van Morrison etc. So that's where it starts doesn't it, they set and create your first influences by showing you their interests and in this way you develop your own. You draw from your friends, acquaintances and enemies alike.
When I was younger my first big musical taste/love/subculture of my own was emo, punk rock, mosh and hardcore. I was an emo kid I will proudly say. I don't care what you think of that, but you should know it about me. And so it went that from a young age I learnt to play drums and always played in bands. I never did any serious gigs, a few here and there. All my bands always fell out even before it got to that point! Ha. But I was a competent drummer and I used to love playing, practising and jamming. I spent a lot of time on it and it was a big part of my childhood. But we shall come back to this topic in a future article I am certain.
For now I want to try to talk about the influence of music on issues of mental health and vice versa. As you know, music and mental health have a massive interlink, an intersection, an intrinsic bond. I will always remember my dad showing me Nirvana (my little bro got them before I did to give him credit actually, props). And then he told me about Kurt (RIP). And I think from that point onward I think I always realised that music was more than just a something, its a higher power essentially I think.
And it got me thinking about the tunes from my past that instantly make me think about the bond between music and mental health. The first one that jumped right out at me was “Med’s by Placebo”. Now if you know this song the chorus is very blatant almost blunt and its clear to me its probably about schizophrenia, psychosis or bipolar etc. But in it are some beautiful poises, for instance: “I was confused by the powers that be, forgetting names and faces, passers by were looking at me, as if they could erase it”. Now I didn’t realise, but our Brian Moloko has suffered from depression himself, and he does work to try and help break the stigma around the issue. I mean the song itself does that, but he also does other stuff http://www.nme.com/news/music/placebos-brian-molko-need-break-stigma-around-discussing-mental-health-2146515.
“Numb” by Linkin Park is another one. I obviously never realised when I was a child because I never really used to think about anything because i used to be daft! But its so blatantly obviously an ode to himself about the person depression has forced him to become, Chester Bennington (RIP) that is. An it goes; “I've become so numb, I can't feel you there, become so tired, so much more aware by becoming this all I want to do, is be more like me and be less like you”. Deep. And when I was listening to this the other day I almost shed a tear, I felt a build up of emotion inside me. Which is a complete double edge sword. On the one hand it was nice, in fact it was more than nice, to be able to feel the emotion. The emotion that someone who helped shaped me in my younger days felt so numb he had to leave this world. But the fact that Chester is gone, is tragic beyond words. Seriously one of the nicest and most amazing singers ever. Mad love.
Now that I am a bit more grown up and urban (lol!) in my musical taste, I love it when I hear songs that are about mental health issues specifically or loosely. For instance “Lovesick by Mura Masa featuring ASAP Rocky” goes: “Cause I'm sipping Pro, yeah, that meth is pro, Promethazine, yeah, a stepping stone. Oh, they acting up? Get your weapon drawn. They only killing time, another second gone. I heard your man ain't home, now you melatone. But you acting young and you hella grown”. And whilst this song is clearly about his love life (it was originally about his [ASAP Rocky’s] sex life according to Mura Masa https://www.highsnobiety.com/2016/09/30/asap-rocky-mura-masa-lovesick/), it is also clearly about the impact that his love life (or its demise) had on his ability to sleep and therefore his mental well being. The lyrics are actually very clever and subtle to be fair; they say that a love life is clearly something to be desired (i mean who doesn’t want to share their life with some one else?) but that it can also have negative ramifications.
Stepping towards current (ish! gimme a chance I am currently in the process of updating my music library after my latest wrestle with the black dog!) and more direct songs about mental health we have “Voices by Disclosure featuring Sasha Keable”. I can’t seem to find any information on this one but even if you haven’t heard it (I think you would have been living under a rock or something) its very clear what it is about. I like this one though because it actually names and shames some of the issues that you might experience when you are suffering, for instance: “You bring out the darkest side of me, chased up from a place that I can't reach, I would love to practice what I preach, you bring out the good girl side of me”. Its that whole thing of wanting to be able to do something or change something but you can’t because you are ill.
And I think for me that’s the crux of this article. When you are ill, your life is taken away from you, you loose control of it and you can’t do anything or engage with anything. For me, when I am ill, I stop wanting to listen to music. And that is tragic in my opinion. Because, as I say, music is life. So its indicative and highly illustrative of the main problem that depression causes. Man, I listen to the radio, such as BBC Radio 4 (because I am super middle class ja) instead but I think that is mainly to block out the silence and try block my negative thoughts. I’ve never really questioned why I don’t want to listen to music when I am unwell but now that I have thought about it, I think on a subconscious (controversial word!) level its to do with the fact that music reminds me of when my life was going well. Music is the sound track to every good moment I have had in my life, its the events around which the seminal moments of my life has revolved around (gigs, festivals etc) and it makes you happier when you are happy. But for me, it doesn’t make me better when I am unwell, it just makes me more numb. Which as I say, is tragic and forces me to push it away.
So, on a final note, now that my life is back to where I want it to be, now that I actually have control, I have been rinsing the tunes so to speak. My Spotify Prime (if you don’t have it are you actually a person? lol I joke) library has grown exponentially in the last few months from a piddly few artists to a vast and diverse plethora of current music which I can use to frame and shape the coming moments in my life. I love being into music, they say that the people that show you new music in your life are the important ones. And its so true. That’s why I am a total music fiend and I love being up to date with whats going on the world of music. From Rudimental to Kendrizzy Lemar, from DJ Seinfeld to Four Tet, from Grimes to Aluna George. The more you educate yourself the happier you can make yourself and the people around you! You can meet some amazing people through music as well (idea for an article maybe?! ha lol), it brings people together man. Which is why I have got so many gigs lined up in the coming months. Now when I see a gig I am interested in I try and buy the tickets straight away so I don’t miss out. I get bad FOMO! Coming up gigs wise I have got Knower, Charlie Parr, Lets Eat Grandma and Mansion of Snakes. I am excited about all of these gigs. I am excited to create new moments in my life, I am excited to experience new things, but above all; I am excited to be in control of my life and the things that are entering my ear drums! =)
And its great to be able to say that.
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A Philosopher’s Madness by Lishan Chan
Finished this slim volume on my way back to Singapore. Unlike accounts on anxiety which in their nature are anxiety-inducing (like Smith’s Monkey Mind), Chan’s A Philosopher’s Madness is not something that upon reading, will make you go crazy. It’s unapologetically calm in describing the state of crazy, in which you are out of touch with reality. Her language reminds me of my writing for philosophy modules in uni - squeaky clean, precise, almost clinical, without any need for garnish or embellishments.
Lishan Chan studied politics and subsequently philosophy in UK. Upon returning to Singapore, she took up a research scholarship program offered by NUS in philosophy. The book aims to explore the possible relationship between philosophizing and her psychotic episode, just like how many have tried to connect existentialism with depression.
I have read probably quite a considerable number of accounts on depression and anxiety, which are more common. It is very easy to fall on a spectrum when it comes to depression/anxiety, and this has a few consequences: 1) You don’t always have to label them as a mental illness 2) It doesn’t have to be a diagnosis/condition that you have to carry with you throughout your life 3) People might understand, relate, and say that it’s just a human response to a number of stressors in your life 4) People think that it is a testament to your lack of life skills, and this can be improved over time, and coming out of the rut of anxiety/depression, you’ll come out stronger 5) It will all pass (“tough times don’t last, tough people do”) 6) You pose no danger to anyone.
Number 2 means that, when you are filling in a job or school application form, you don’t have to tick the history of mental illness column. It’s pretty hard to get your schizophrenic episode go by undetected, it’s easier with depressive or anxious episodes, unless in severe cases. Number 3 means that there is a fair amount of understanding for depression or anxiety. Number 4 means that, in the long run, the experience is somehow good for you. Number 6 means that you probably realize that depression and anxiety don’t have to be contagious, and the worst case scenarios are self-harm and self-sabotaging (whose consequences might bleed into other people’s lives, but it’s more likely for the sufferer to hurt herself than she to hurt others).
But when you have to face the mad, you don’t know what the worst case scenario is - simply because you don’t understand why, and how, they do what they do. Everything seems possible. In normal cases, my previous sentence is motivational, in this case, not so much. It goes to show that the discomfort you experience in the presence of the mad, stems from a complete absence of understanding. It makes you wonder, are they the truly mad ones - or are you? Maybe you see yourself, your occasional nervous tics reflected in them, only tuned a few decimals louder in terms of intensity and frequency. It’s like holding a hazy mirror. You don’t want to think about this, in case understanding breeds empathy, and empathy leads you down to the path of metamorphosis - so you avoid seeking an explanation even more fervently. It’s a vicious cycle.
So we see that, without ignoring the existing social stigma attached to depression and anxiety, we can safely say that schizophrenia does not get to enjoy the same amount of social sanction reduction in comparison. We call anxiety/depression patients the depressed, the stressed out, the melancholic ones. We call the schizophrenic mad, crazy, shen jing bing. This is because, I think, you can fairly reason with the anxious. Schizophrenia completely reverses and fragments your thought process - it does not start as a matter of obsessions with worries or a shift in focus.
Perhaps I should blame Descartes. As a result of taking his advice in Meditations to ‘doubt as much as you can’, I attempted to do exactly that; doubt as much as I could. I questioned every statement, challenged every perception. It was the beginning of a relentless road to mental illness.
You turn not just the value of truth, but also the approach to truth upside down. Inevitably, your trust in the world erodes - all that make up the world that we live in - other people, social roles, belief systems, the way the world is run. If you take thinking to its extreme, I think you can see how shaky all mechanisms we base our judgment of truth on are. Funnily enough, I think, the schizophrenics doubt everything but themselves. But should they? Does psychosis automatically render their experience invalid, once they come out of it?
But the things that make sense to me when I am unwell make sense to no one else. This is what it means to be out of touch with reality. Today, I still wonder what it all means. If I had been brought to God through a period of madness rather than because of suffering and madness, would it follow that my current belief in God is delusional? If I were mad and had a religious experience, does it count as a genuine religious experience?
Chan mentions at least three times in the book that she still “fears relapse”. I read a recent article on her by T Singapore a few days ago and news has it that she has not had any relapse for the past 10 years. During remission, ex-patients like Chan usually have to disseminate a relapse plan to their closest, because when you are mad, you don’t realize that you are mad. You need an observer to be there to realize that you are mad, a little bit like Schrodinger’s cat problem, or maybe a tree falling in the forest would make a better analogy.
So if you don’t have an observer to say to you that you are mad, are you still mad? This leads to the gray categorization of the schizophrenia, stated in the book:
Who is right? Is psychosis a mental condition or a physical condition? Is psychosis a sickness or a ‘condition’?
(...)
I summarize what I see as the possible positions as follows:
- If psychosis is a physical disease, then the chemicals in the brain or a particular brain structure are identified with the experience of psychosis (extreme stress resulting in delusions).
- If psychosis is a physical condition, then stress (for instance) is a physical rather than a mental entity. Chemicals in the brain or brain structure are not identified with the experience of psychosis, although we might recognize that there are patterns or correspondence between the two.
- If psychosis is a mental disease, then psychosis would as a consequence be a mental disorder. A theory of psychosis would involve explaining the experience of beliefs that are false. The word ‘disease’ emphasizes the absence of wellness. The brain takes back stage here.
- If psychosis is a mental condition, then there is no disorder or absence of wellness. Rather, experience of psychosis is simply a different and aberrant experience, one that can be explained with recourse to the individual’s perceptions and state of mind.
It’s probably never one or the other.
Now, no account on mental illness is complete without mentioning its undeniable correlation with creativity:
This raises a question - is creativity and productivity in the arts somehow linked to emotional turmoil or unstable mental states? If so, are we losing something valuable to society by medicating anyone who shows evidence of unstable mental illness?
Something that I can’t help but question though, can be found in the middle of this paragraph:
Secondly, chemical imbalance might well be a parallel event alongside the conscious experience of mental illness without a necessarily causal relationship. It is commonplace scientific practice to equate correlation with causation, but philosophically speaking, there is a gap which needs to be acknowledged.
As far as I’m concerned…. conflating correlation with causation is cardinal sin in any field of science. It’s fallacy.
Lastly one fascinating yet slightly worrying part of the book is the appendix. This consists of Chan’s “thoughts at various stages of (her) illness.” Fascinating and slightly worrying because I think a lot of it actually make sense?
E.g.
Truth can only be found by slowly thinking through things. If you wish to be the sort of person who finds the truth, be prepared to accept the consequences. A person who finds the truth, or a person who is at least aware of the truth, is a person who refuses to join in the pretense. People who refuse to join in the pretense must lose the game. But have they really lost, if they fall out of the game? Have they really lost, if they move out of the periphery of the game?
Without pretense, reality becomes clearer to one’s line of vision. Without pretense, it is possible to detach oneself from the various games that people play. Without pretense, it is possible to become an observer, as opposed to a spectator.
One might argue that this is impossible, for there is at least one perspective that is detached observer cannot escape. This perspective is the perspective of the detached observer. To be a detached observer of yourself being a detached observer seems to lead to an infinite regress? What does it amount to?
Personally, I think, if the most arduous pursuit of truth costs one’s mind, I would rather keep my mind please. I hope I’m not choosing ignorance when I say that sometimes… it gets tiring and the end justifies the means
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Me and My Bits
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There are so many bits to me. They are spread all over the place. They bulge and spill out embarrassingly at difficult, awkward moments. They’re keen, you see, they’re all keen. They’re on a mission. They are determined to get themselves better. They’ve been told, as I have, that the body - and the mind - naturally heals itself, restores itself to an acceptable, liveable-with “norm”. And they like that. They like that very much, because it’s what they - we - I need: recovery.
The bits of me that sprawl in an ungainly way over my home, my life, my ambitions, are many and they are various. There is the strand, that bit of me, that longs to be mentally well again; that remembers a sharp cerebral wellness before the insecurity, the lack of confidence, the nameless fears and the darkest moods that took me into an acute psych ward for three and a half months, and that kept me still and worrying at home for more than a year after that crisis. That bit of me is keen, very keen, that I should get better and be me again. Its problem is that when you look back over all the years, all of them, you struggle to find a time when I wasn’t in some way touched by the darkness; normal is not an easy thing to identify.
Then there is the bit of me that is seeking a restoration to a healthier size. This bit, too, is key, crucial, and lifelong. There have been times - two of them - in my adult life when I have not been overweight: one lasted just a few months, but one (the Big Success) lasted three years. Three years. Out of fifty-four years - or, to be more precise, out of forty-eight years: it was between the ages of 6 and 7 that I changed from being a “normal” wee girl to being the fat child.
So from the age of 7, until my now-age of 54, I have been a “normal” weight for three years. And just now, in the aftermath of a breakdown worse than anything I’ve experienced thus far, this bit of me has very good reason to be concerned. I am currently losing weight, and this part of me is therefore keeping a lid on its tumultuous panic (though it sometimes boils over nonetheless) but prior to this current effort, which started only 7 weeks ago, I was two tiny pounds short of weighing 24 stone. (I am a 5’4” woman.) So understandably, this bit of me will not be held back or held down, or kept waiting until other bits are addressed first. It scrabbles for attention, and screams for help, and rightly so. And, as you can imagine, it spills out and declares itself at the MOST inconvenient of times. I think it thinks, the more inconvenient the time, the more chance it has to heard, to be attended to, to be appeased, to be helped - once and for all.
And then there’s the bit of me that wants to write. But not just to write - to write well, to write in a way that will affect those who read it; to write well enough to be published; even - and here is where this bit of me parts company with my shattered, unconfident self, - to be a published author who is good enough to be lauded.
You see? You see how crazy all these bits are together in one me? Have you ever known a successful author who was 24 stone and could hardly walk? Or known someone actually finish a novel and, crucially, send it out to be considered, when she is still so unwell mentally that she is beset by a crippling, paralysing lack of confidence? Even to sit at my desk feels like the ultimate in cheek, sheer, unfounded arrogance, and before my hands have settled over the keyboard, that big voice (WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE - THE QUEEN OF SHEBA?) booms in my ear, and my daring, shaking fingers get a whack across the knuckles for their temerity. It isn’t easy being me. But this bit of me too, is lifelong. Lifelong. I have wanted to be just such a writer since ever I was able to form letters. There is inside me no memory of a time in which I didn’t want to write, to be a writer. It was always. Just always.
All these bits are heavy and tiring to lug around, and all of them believe (with some justification) that they are the most important one, the one that, once attended to, would allow all the others to fall into place. They all believe that, and in a sense they’re all right - and they won’t shut up about it.
They are the Big Three, but they’re not the only ones. There’s the bit of me that is a mum, and the bit that’s a wife; there’s the bit that’s a friend (it’s always panicking, trying to keep contact with all the “key” people like spinning plates, desperately hoping it doesn’t drop one, and cause unitentioned hurt). In fact, the mum bit is a bit like that too, now that all 3 of my adult children live in different places, and in different circumstances …… And now there’s to be a granny-bit too - and this news is WONDERFUL, and spurs on the progress in many other areas, but what will it be like to have yet another bit to keep hold of, to keep under control? And at the time of labour and birth, I’m expecting the mum-bit to holler louder than it has in a long time.
And this is why I am blogging. Because all these bits of me need an outlet, need a place to be where they can be held, contained, viewed, understood.
Will I do a blog for the weight loss, a blog for the writing, a blog for the mental health recovery, a blog for being a granny?
I don’t know. They all deserve it. But then, they are all me. I am all of them. And I’m only one wee person. Actually, I am quite a big person, at least, I’m quite a wide person, although that’s never what it feels like. I feel so small, it is astonishing how big I actually am.
And so - separate blogs? Or one blog - that represents the confusion and division, the hope and the dismay, the belief, the doubt, the little successes and the overwhelming failures, and all the incredible churning and infighting and screaming for attention that goes on, is always happening, in my one, relatively normal-looking head?
We’ll see.
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Fancy a walk?
Saturday July 1st and I’m at the start line of my next walking challenge, 100km or 63 miles of the Cotswold way, Bath to Cheltenham in a day! I’ll admit that even though this is my 4th of these challenges I was feeling particularly nervous this time. This was the first time that the organisers had put on this challenge and in true Masterchef jargon it was billed as their ‘Toughest challenge yet’. Easy to dismiss it as hype but having read comments from walkers who had already hiked part of it and then looking at the elevation map it looked like it might live up to its billing. There were lots of hills and very few flat bits so I was apprehensive about what lay in store over the next 24 hours or so. I train pretty hard and although the experience of having 3 previous walks under my belt means that I am pretty sure I’m able to complete it I had no doubts it would be tough. I live at the foot of the Surrey Hills and I’m lucky that I can get a fair bit of hill walking in right out of my house but it also means I know that a few hours of going up and down steep ascents can sap your strength and turn your legs to jelly let alone spending a whole day doing it. Consequently I was late to the start, due to leave at 8am I was delayed by nerves. Without being graphic it was playing havoc with my stomach! Although I was registered and ready about 10 mins before my start time I felt I needed to try and relax a bit more so asked to be changed to the next starting slot. They agreed and so I waited for the 8.30 group to be called. I now feel that fate was kind to me because while I was waiting and chatting to the guys on the Macmillan stand I met Simone who was also taking part. This was her first challenge and we started chatting and went to the start line together. We decided to head off together and see how we got on and if our pace matched. We had a brief chat about our motivation for taking part and I felt bad that Simone got upset as her husband has cancer and her reasons are very current and at the forefront for them both. So two strangers shared a brief hug and then after encouragement from both our husbands we headed off into the Cotswold countryside. The day was cloudy but warm and I was relieved that the temperatures had dropped somewhat as we had been experiencing hot days of around 28c in the previous couple of weeks. I have done a 26 mile walk in that heat before and it really slows you up so the much cooler 20 – 22c was welcome. In the first 4 miles we had already climbed up to 800ft which was just a taster of what was to come. The views however were absolutely stunning and there were times when we could see the river Severn in the distance and across to Wales. Interestingly even when you are really tired and have clambered up yet another steep ascent you can still appreciate the view from the top…just before you head back down, get to the bottom and go straight back up again! It was in fact not until we got to around 28 miles that we actually had a mile or so of flatter ground when we were heading to the mid-way rest point. At the top of a couple of the hills there were churches, perched high above their parishes, and I couldn’t help imagining how in days gone by when cars were not commonplace the congregation would have walked up the hill in a steady procession for family services and for the inevitable christenings, weddings and funerals. What a beautiful final resting place though and I feel it must have alleviated the sadness a little to visit lost loved ones in such lovely surroundings. Certainly there was a noticeable but pleasant quietness and we all seemed quite deep in thought as we took a brief rest up there. One of the few level stretches took us through deer parks and past the boundaries of some pretty impressive walled gardens and landscaped grounds. All we could see of the mansion that stood in these grounds was a glimpse of roofs and chimneys but it was obviously huge. As we left through one of the many gateways to Dodington Park we Googled the name and we discovered it belonged to James Dyson…there’s a lot of money in vacuum cleaners and hairdryers it would seem! Soon we would be climbing again and up to the first of a couple of monuments then down and on to the halfway point and that welcome hot meal and the knowledge that this would be a slightly longer rest to eat and drink and check feet etc. before the night-time section. Sadly this was where Simone and I parted company as she was heading off to her tent for the night before she started the second half early the next morning. I think that although she said she was looking forward to the rest, there was a little bit of her that thought it might be better to continue and just get it over with! Certainly I would never do this 2 day option, not because of any arrogant reasons but mainly because I have heard other people say that they do not sleep well and then the psychological part of getting up the next day to do it all again is tough, especially knowing that other people who’ve carried on walking through the night will be nearing the finish line when you’ve only just started on your way. Anyway, I didn’t mention any of this as it wouldn’t have helped so we ate our meal together, our own little last supper, and then Simone came with me when I went outside to wait for the next group to set off and we had a longer hug this time having become friends on the way. Although it was still light at this point it would become dark before we got to the next rest stop so you the organisers do not let you leave alone or in less than 3 people. I had already decided I would join a group and then look around at people’s number bibs which also show their start times and I would find someone who had a similar or later time to me so that I knew their pace would be a match. Luckily I saw a couple of ladies with 9am start times and as I walked up to them they were saying that they were doing much the same and looking for one or two people with similar times. I spoke to them and we agreed we would set off with the group then find our own pace. It was fortunate to find then as the rest of the group were fairly slow and we soon headed off together. Loz and Debbie were probably half my age and PE teachers which daunted me a little and I’ll admit I did think at one point that I might be struggling to keep up. However, they were first timers and admitted later that they had headed off a bit too quickly initially and Debbie had some pretty serious blisters erupting. She was giving it her best shot though and although you could see she was in pain she was desperate to try and keep up the pace. Immediately after the bliss of the halfway stop we were heading uphill on one of the toughest and longest uphill stretches of the whole walk. It seemed to go and on. Sometimes it’s better when you are walking straight and you can see the enormity of what’s ahead but when you are on a winding path your mind keeps telling you that round the next corner it will be level and then there is a deflating moment when you reach that corner and ahead is yet more climbing. I think this was around two miles of uphill slog but it felt more like five by the time we got to the top. The next sector was some steep climbs and descents and where I learnt a new way to go downhill which is easier on the knees and joints. Loz demonstrated by basically turning at right angles to the slope and stepping or skipping sideways. She showed me slowly and then went hurtling down the hill at full speed. Debbie and I followed at a far more sedate speed behind her. I had visions of tripping and tumbling head over heels all the way to the bottom. I was pretty pleased with myself though when I managed to get up a couple of the hills before Loz, not bad going for someone twice her age. By this time poor Debbie was really suffering and as well as her feet, which we stopped to help patch up a few times, she also felt sick and unwell which was partly dehydration. I was surprised that they had not refilled their water bottles at the fifth stop but I know you tend to slow up on drinking at night when it’s cooler, not a good idea though. It became fairly obvious she was going to have to stop as she was in a lot of stomach pain. At the next stop she decided she would have to stay there and rehydrate herself and get her feet checked but she was keen for Loz to continue and finish. So we joined up with another couple and carried on through the night. This last quarter was really hard going. We had made the ascent up yet another very long winding hill and knew that a lot of the walk was now on the ridge of the hills. However there were still a lot of very steep gradients, shorter yes but lots of them like a rollercoaster! Although it was too dark to see what was ahead you could generally tell from the voices drifting back to you saying things like “they’re having a fucking laugh aren’t they, not again!” , which sort of gives it away. We also found ourselves on a mud path which looked and felt initially like it was hard packed mud and pretty dry. Halfway down a slope we discovered it was actually very boggy in places but it was almost impossible to see where in the limited vision you have from a head torch. Several times I thought I was about to lose my boot as I trod in a squelchy spot. Around this time I could feel the balls of my feet starting to feel sore and soon I knew that I had the dreaded blisters, they can be so debilitating for something relatively small. I decided against removing my boots to look at them, my feet were taped up and I was more concerned about causing more damage. Also I felt if I saw how bad they were it would make it mentally tougher so I popped a couple of Nurofen and carried on. I’m pretty sure they were a consequence of the steep downhill slopes especially those with loose stones which are always bad news! As always the walking in the dark is tiring mentally and really tests you. Loz was now feeling despondent, partly because Debbie had to drop out and partly because she realised they had pushed themselves a bit too hard in the very early stages and she was tiring fast. Pacing yourself is hard and the inclination is always to start off faster but its best to try and keep a constant pace as much as possible then if you have anything left you can speed up at the end. It’s definitely worked for me on the last couple of walks! At the last stop with only 6km to go and back into daylight at last, Loz heard that Debbie was feeling better and was going to try and get a bit further which boosted her a little. After a couple of kilometres we walked with a small group who were varying paces. Loz decided she would stick with the slightly slower paced ones and myself and a couple of others headed off a bit faster and even managed to jog now and then. Gradually we split up and I found myself heading alone along the final bit of tarmac (flat!!!) where I did my now signature run across the finish line to be met with a hug from hubby Mark and my training buddy Brodie, who was barking furiously at the applause. Photos, a medal and the welcome glass of bubbly and then a sit down to remove the boots and finally let those blisters have some air, they weren’t pretty! It’s amazing how your body reacts once you’ve finished. At each of the rest stops you can sit and have a drink and something to eat, change socks, use facilities, then up you get and off you go. Sometimes it takes a few minutes to get back into stride but otherwise all is fine. You get to the finish and sit down though and when you go to get up and leave… nothing works, it’s as though you’ve been sat on by an elephant! Joints seize up, feet ache and you generally just feel like you want to be carried to the car and that’s definitely not going to happen with a big girl like me! Then I spot Loz coming across the field and hobble over to congratulate her only to be told that Debbie is now well and truly back on track and should finish in the next hour…what a girl, good on her. Somehow, I plod a few yards to the car and plonk myself down inelegantly knowing it will be a huge effort to get out again later but I’ve done it…100km in 23 hours and 36 minutes, fab, I’m absolutely exhausted but elated. After a shower, breakfast and a couple of hours sleep we headed back to the finish to wait for Simone to cross the line. She had no idea I would be there but I really wanted to see her finish and congratulate her and also thank her in person as she had spent part of her overnight rest logging on and donating to me, so lovely of her. A quick introduction of her dogs and ours and we said our goodbyes and headed back to our B&B for a well-earned rest. So why do I do it again and again, that’s what I get asked a lot. It’s exactly what it says on the tin…a challenge. It hurts some of the time but a lot of the time it doesn’t and adrenaline is an amazing drug to get you through the pain. I get a real high from completing it and it gives me a focus each year to make me get out and walk that extra few miles and work out a bit harder and that’s good for me. I’ve met a lot of amazing people from the organisers to supporters to fellow walkers. It sounds clichéd but they truly restore your faith in humanity. Everyone is so supportive and they all look out for each other. If you see someone sat at the side of the path you immediately ask if they are ok and if they need anything. People will stop to help patch up feet, share water if you’ve run low, offer energy bars or sweets if you’re in need of a boost and words of encouragement if you are struggling. I’ve never heard a negative comment, I’ve heard a fair bit of swearing…especially when there was yet another bloody hill to go up, but genuinely it’s a positive vibe all round. Many of them are walking because they or someone close to them has been through something awful and that empathy is evident. Even at the B&B we stayed at there was some lovely moments. A couple who had chatted with Mark gave him a donation for me and the owners kindly let me have breakfast a bit later than usual. We had a lovely room with an ensuite shower which was absolutely ok but they offered me the use of a bath in another empty room so I could have a proper soak and the lady also gave me a big white fluffy bathrobe of hers and some of her own luxury bath foam, so kind and thoughtful. My first walk was with my lovely friend Katie and we laughed and cried our way from London to Brighton. I’ll never forget how emotional that one was, the pain of losing my mum and best mate was very much to the forefront and then one sister in law passed away just before and another shortly afterwards. Despite being adamant that I would never do another one I signed up for The Isle of Wight and took part with a friend Rob and my stepdaughter Eloise. Sadly Rob didn’t complete the challenge but Eloise battled through some fairly awful blisters and although we didn’t finish together she did an amazing job to run across the line a short while after me. Both my last 2 walks on my own I’ve been lucky enough to team up with amazing ladies who I didn’t know beforehand. Lisa on Thames Path last year who was doing it for her brother and Simone walking for her husband and just as importantly they were doing it for themselves too. To give them a sense of being able to do something at a horrendously difficult time, I understand that. I do it for mum and Pat and my family, all women, who are no longer with us because of the bloody awful disease that is cancer. Five women who should have had longer with us and who should not have had to deal with the horrors of cancer but who did so bravely and with strength, stubbornness and humour. I walk because I can and because I want to remember all these ladies and everyone else that has a rough deal in life, they are all my inspiration and motivation. I hope that the money raised will ease some of the pain for others unfortunate enough to have to deal with illness and offer support to their families and friends. To date myself, Katie, Eloise and Rob have raised a total of around £6,764 (including Gift Aid) for Macmillan and Médecins sans Frontières. All in all an Ultra Challenge walk is a good place to be and I’ll be there again this coming weekend. South Coast Way, Saturday August 26th 2017, 9am, Eastbourne, I’ll be on the start line once more………… wish me luck!
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