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fbdo1986 · 3 years

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Everything I've Ever Let Go of Has Claw Marks on It - A Succession Fic

a/n: Admittedly, this isn’t the usual thing I write about! But Succession has thoroughly corrupted my brain and now I care hopelessly about these siblings, so I just have to express my feelings about them. I have to give credit where credit is due, though! I was inspired by @successionsideblog’s post talking about headcanons about Kendall and Connor’s relationship growing up, specifically about Kendall as a little kid and how he would react to Connor leaving for school after they established a really strong bond, so I decided to write something exploring that! (Also, the title is a quote from David Foster Wallace).

Warnings: Implications of parental neglect and nightmares

Word Count: 2,178

The morning after Connor’s going away dinner—he laughs to himself, somewhere, because he and celebration aren’t usually linked—he wakes with a strange culmination of feelings twisting inside himself. It’s early. Of course, there’d be no savoring his last morning at home, no gradual waking with comfort underneath the softness of blankets. Instead: lengthy, conflicting feelings left to settle in a still room. The house is completely silent, and he’s left to sit quietly. It’s a bit uncomfortable, so he turns to open a window and is met with the calming whispers of a morning still yet to unfold. Of one indicative of the rest of his life, or rather, a dive headfirst into uncertainty; a moment waiting to determine how he could turn out, without the stern, watchful eyes of his father. He wants it to be good. He doesn’t want to admit that this freedom is unlike any type he’s ever felt; he doesn’t want to recognize that he’s afraid, afraid that when he returns, he might not suit the only image he’s ever had for himself, in the second shadowy place beside a man who stands like a mountain range.

Not far away is the bed of his younger brother, Kendall, who he hasn’t stirred from his sleep. Of all the conflicted feelings, the ones involving his brother burn fiercest in his mind. There’s the push and pull—the escape, finally, the taste of freedom wrestling with the knowledge that Kendall will inevitably be inflicted with the things he faced while he was an only child, and no one deserves to feel that alone. Sure, there’s Shiv, their sister, but she’s just a baby. Kendall will become the eldest son, the darling boy, bearing the strain.

He tiptoes out of their bedroom, wanting to make a silent goodbye before things burst with life when everyone wakes, when the place will bustle and he’ll get caught in the whirlwind of preparation. The floor is cold underneath him everywhere. In his own room, in the hallway where Shiv’s room sits a few doors down, in hers too. Maybe he’ll remember the cold, even when he’s gone. Something tells him that he will. It’s oddly characteristic of home.

His little sister’s room is in much the same formation as his own, a wide space with large windows, but with splashes of color—yellow and pink—that are absent on his white walls. He meanders towards her crib. She’s also still sleeping, but he wants to bid her goodbye all the same. He doesn’t see it yet, the physical resemblance to any of the members of the family. Except maybe the blue eyes, the ones Logan gave him too. And he’s not sure if he’s thankful for that—she being so starkly different from all of them. But in time, he’ll find little pieces that tie them together. The same shoulders that stiffen when she’s annoyed are the ones found on Roman, the unintentional copycat. Her downcast gaze when she’s hurt and finds it difficult to speak is just like Ken’s.

“See you, Pinky.” He smiles as his heart softens. It aches momentarily, since he knows how much he will miss her as she grows, but he’s reminded that she will have Kendall, and if Connor’s taught him anything, it’s the value of protection.

The morning is mundane, all things considered. Mainly because the culmination of sending him off to college peaked the night prior, with all preparations made wordlessly, never by his own family. There are things to be finished, but that’s mainly stowing away what he has packed and getting a car. It’s the normal amount of silence, but knowing that this is how he has to leave it—with everything, including himself, glazed over with a mere fleeting look, shrouded in sealed silence as it’s checked over one last time—sits uncomfortably within him. So he retreats back to his younger brother, and he ensures that he won’t make it an early goodbye. They can pretend, for a little while, that there’s no time ticking until he goes away.

Ken is back in their room, fiddling languidly with a stuffed animal in his arms. It’s a teddy bear that usually sits on top of his bed. He must have grabbed it for comfort. Just another thing to not let dig into him. It’s already hard enough. So when he realizes that his side of the room is so much more sparse than Kendall’s, he pretends not to notice it. For both of their sakes.

“Hey buddy. You look so bored here. Do you wanna do something with me? We could go outside, throw a baseball around. Or I could try to teach you how to play chess again.” He flashes a smile with fondness at his little brother.

“It’s gonna take too long.” Kendall says, his gaze still fixated on the toy in his hands.

They’ve still got a few hours before the afternoon sets in. They’ll make time.

“We’ve got time. Don’t worry about it.”

Kendall’s eyes trace the table in the middle of the room, which holds a chessboard and all the strewn pieces as remnants of their last attempt.

“I almost fell asleep last time.” He hides a smile as he remembers it.

“No, you definitely did.” Connor chuckles, recalling the piece that got tucked under Kendall’s cheek as he slumped forward in his dozing. The knight left an imprint in his skin that he tried to wipe away, but by morning—spent in his bed, not half on a chessboard—it was nearly gone. “But it was nighttime then. Promise you won’t? I’ll promise it’ll be fun, okay?”

“Okay.”

So they start fresh, putting the pieces back where they belong. They line up their respective kingdoms. Once he’s finished with the rules, Connor continues to explain as they attempt to play a game. Yet that takes much more effort than expected, since Connor will occasionally prod Kendall with silly questions, just to take his mind off of things.

“Do you think Shiv is gonna like chess?” Connor asks suddenly.

“I don’t know.” Kendall shrugs it off, he’s mid-move.

“Because I think she’ll hate it. Either that, or she’ll beat the both of us with her eyes closed.”

It makes Kendall laugh to himself.

“What’s so funny?” Already, a grin spreads on the eldest son’s face.

Kendall looks back up at him. “Shiv’s just a baby. I can only think of her now. I’m just thinking of a baby playing chess.”

“You think you could beat a baby?” Connor leans forward, challenging him.

“It’s not my fault you’re not a good teacher.” Kendall jokes.

When Connor emerges from the house to leave, finally, the sky is a very distinct blue. Airy clouds hang in the sky along with effortless sunshine that reminds him of summers before this. Ones with boats out on a lake, with white curtains swept up in a passing breeze, with the haze of heat in the air and light so blinding that it made him squint, the tennis courts that burned when you hit them if you fell after a missed swing.

As he looks back up at this house, around the entirety of this place that sprawls before them he can’t decide if he’ll miss it.

He’s broken in his contemplation by the sound that fills the silence. The same sound that acts as an alarm, that jumpstarts his instincts the way nothing else can. He turns sharply and looks down to find his younger brother approaching him.

“Please, please. Don’t go.” Kendall’s brown eyes peer into his heart. At once, as Connor moves his shoulders—maybe, maybe to turn away—he feels the sudden pressure of small but desperate hands grabbing at his leg, grasping for fabric, shoelaces, anything.

Connor’s heart sinks heavily into his stomach as Kendall latches onto him, and he forces himself to look away. Instantly he’s seeing the child he used to be, and the truly small boy that Kendall is. His face is red and blotchy, and his eyes pool with tears that don’t hesitate to run down his cheeks. It hurts. He’s terrified, stricken with grief. Connor’s whole body wrenches with guilt.

“Get up, Ken.” Logan barks. “You’re a grown boy.” But Logan doesn’t pull Kendall up to his feet, so Connor breathes a fleeting sigh of relief.

“Connie…” He pleads. “You can’t go! You can’t!” He feels how Kendall’s hands ache to hold on. It should baffle him, since Kendall’s rarely the type to fight anything kicking and screaming, but he understands.

So Connor stays put. He takes a seat on the steps where they stand and places his hands on his brother’s shoulders gently. “You have to be brave, okay Kenny?”

“I don’t want to be.” He huffs, shaking his head.

“You’ve got to, alright? I believe in you.” He steadies his gaze, looking him in the eyes. “I believe in you. You can. Can you do that for me?”

Kendall nods, shuddering in a breath.

“Good. Cause you’re the big brother now. You have to look after little Shiv, just like I looked after you.” His blue eyes spark with fondness and pride. “Come here.” He pulls Kendall into a hug, wrapping his arms around him tight.

“I’m gonna miss you.” Kendall’s voice is small, so he just pulls him closer. As Kendall tucks himself into Connor’s shoulder, he’s reminded of the nights when Ken would wake up, thrashing and sobbing, and how he offered the same shoulder to cry into, to gain stability from.

“I know, I know. I’m gonna miss you, too. But I’ll come home on holidays, I promise. And you can call and write to me. I’m always gonna be around, in some way. Okay? I’ve always got you. Always.” With one final squeeze he holds Kendall in his arms, then getting up apprehensively to face his father.

“I’ll see you, son.” His father’s eyes shine coldly. Not with pride for his own son, he doesn’t think, but with complacency. The gesture’s sincere, but even as his hands clasp Connor’s face—which is infinitely small in this moment—it’s nearly absent of fondness. It’s barely warm. All the same, he softens, because something is better than nothing. He nods solidly, acknowledging the weight of these hands that ache to be filled, and wonders if he can even come close to fitting that space.

He turns to Kendall again, giving him a smile. “Remember what we talked about, okay bud? I love you. And remember to tell Shivy you love her too, alright? I’ll miss you.” He sees the whole picture now, his father standing stoically with Kendall at his side. Nobody brought Shiv out to say goodbye—despite his morning ritual he wishes someone did. His family, so achingly small, so disjointed, without his mother. Even as his family will expand upon later returns, they will continue on the path of inheriting the strain, the burden that being a Roy child requires. Even Shiv, when grown, will battle the same leaden shoulders, the same shaky, tormented breath so signature of pretending, and a toughness that only seems to soften in his embrace.

He’s reminded of how young he and Kendall are. Even with ten years between them, and for drastically different reasons. But regardless, they’re still kids thrust into the world with no gentle caress to soothe them. He shouldn’t have to do the job his father can’t. Kendall shouldn’t have to be tormented even in dreams, and shouldn’t have to face the world’s truths at eight years old. But Connor shoves it back, because right now he can’t be plagued with this knowing that he has no choice but to let these cards play out. There’s nothing he can do to stop it: time from moving on, Kendall being subjected to his place, all of it. Instead he has to step away, even as his eyes become glossy with tears. It’s not home, not really, but a sudden force inside of him that stirs once he turns away—into the vastness beyond this place, the world with open arms—tells him that the echoing house, with walls so blinding white, that it’s all he’s ever known. He wishes he had a slice of bravery. Because he wants to be a little kid, he wants to be protected from the unknown, even if it might mean a sense of freedom. If nothing else, he wants to stop it. Just to wrap his arms around all the things that deserve to never find out what the world has in store—claws and all, the things that make you grow up too fast—even though he can’t. Even though the moment’s passed. He can’t even help it. But he’ll swear, swear with every tear that runs down his face—that’s now concealed as he has his back to them—that he’ll try to stretch his arms wide enough to make someone, anyone, proud. Or that he’ll make himself fierce enough that nothing can sink its teeth into what he’s spent his whole life trying to guard. He’s gonna make it good, or lose it all trying.

#i changed around the order of the siblings for me personally bc i see roman as the youngest but! it gave me a good grasp on how to think of #the dynamics/ages between them and it really helped!#BASICALLY THIS FIC IS LIKE SO YOU CAN TELL IM A CLOWN AND HAVE MY IDEALIZED VERSION OF CONNOR IN MY HEAD RENT FREE #oh for context ken is 8 here and connor is 18 #although at least as the last parts concerned i genuinely think it lines up w canon that connor would be torn between trying to be enough #for logan or just doing something that would make his siblings proud #and i think that its clear which path he chooses #anyway! please do not clown on me i really put a lot into this #succession #my writing

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etudier-avec-bella · 4 years

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My First Term at University

Hello! If you’ve been following me for a while, you may have noticed that this blog has been pretty dead for the past few months. Like, literally no new posts have gone up from me since results day. Yikes. Where have I been, and what’s been going on? That’s what I’m here to clear up. Because I have a lot to talk about.

I am going to be touching on three main topics: Life at York, my course and how I’ve been studying, and- finally- my mental wellbeing.

So, grab a hot drink, get cosy, and prepare for what is possibly the longest piece of writing I’ve ever produced in my life. Seriously. It’s huge.

**Disclaimer: In no way is this post supposed to reflect the ‘real’ life of the average student at York, nor am I making any comment on the quality of education or student life at York. I am aware that I’m extremely lucky to be a student on one of the best Chemistry courses in the country, and this post is simply detailing how I found the transition from living at home to living independently as a university student. York- I love you. Even if you weren’t my first choice, I am so glad I ended up here. I’ve met some wonderful people and learned so many incredible things just in this first term alone. Please don’t take this post as me hating on York or something, because I really, really don’t lmao**

Life in York

Let’s kick things off by talking about what it’s like to live in York!

Contrary to what I initially assumed about moving to a university in the middle of the countryside (i.e. that there would be nothing to do), York is a beautiful city, and I’m so excited to get better acquainted with it over the next three years.

The high streets here are jam-packed full of hidden gems- I seriously think that you could go to a different coffee shop every day for a year, there are so many of them dotted around. I’ve loved being able to wander around and see where my feet take me, and there’s always somewhere new to discover; bookshops, cafés, museums, the castle walls, art exhibits, concerts… Oh, my!

Some of my favourite places that I’ve discovered so far are:

● Drift-In- my favourite little coffee shop! It’s never too busy if you go before midday, making it the ideal place to crack out some work in a more relaxed studying environment. They also offer a 10% student discount, and have a wall of polaroids of the dogs who have visited the café. Incredible.

● Lucky Days- the perfect place to take your friends for lunch! They also do really good cakes if you ever feel like treating yourself after submitting an assignment.

● The Little Apple Bookshop- There are lots of cute little indie bookshops on the road leading to the art gallery, but I think that this one is my personal favourite. Stock changes frequently, so it’s worth popping in every once in a while, and they have classic novels at much lower prices than the likes of Waterstones (for all of you English Lit students out there!)

As for the University Campus, it’s similarly wonderful. The River runs right through Campus West, making itself home to lots of ducks, geese, and other waterfowl. We also have wild bunnies outside the Biology greenhouses, and I always see them hopping around in the dark when I walk home from my French classes. Campus West isn’t too big- you can walk from one side to the other in about 15 minutes- so the student community is super tight-knit. I have friends from loads of different colleges who I’ve met through mixers, societies, and my classes, and it’s really easy for us to link up and do stuff together because we’re all so near to each other.

There are also some pretty cool places on campus, if you don’t feel like leaving to go to the city centre- the Sir Jack Lyons Concert Hall are always putting on lunchtime concerts with cheap tickets for students, which is a nice way to wind down after working all day AND show support for the music students, and there’s also a student-ran supermarket in Wentworth College called Scoop, where you can bring your own containers and buy spices/grains/pasta in bulk for much cheaper than you can in other similar supermarkets. Scoop also sell boxes of locally-sourced produce, making it easy to support small businesses on a budget!

Honestly, there are still lots of places on campus that I’m yet to visit. Whenever I get fed up of working, I like to go for a little 30-minute walk to the other side of the university grounds and see what I can find (there’s a really lovely garden behind Derwent College, it has a big stately manor house and lots of fancy greenery). It’s a nice way to get some fresh air and change up the scenery when I get stir-crazy from being in my room for so long.

My Course/Studying

As many, many people have told me in the past- university-level Chemistry is hard. And you know what? They were right. However, I like a challenge as much as the next overachiever, and as a self-confessed science nerd I’ve got to say… My course is a dream.

I know I’m only one term into my first year, but the way I look at basically everything around me has already changed so much. The fundamental knowledge you gain just from first module covers all of the main bases, and I’ve found that the way I think about and approach scientific problems is already very different to the way I would have looked at them during my A-Levels. You’re encouraged to think a lot more openly, and apply relatively basic concepts to solve really tricky problems instead of just learning the answers to a syllabus- it’s a great chance to utilise your all of your skills.

In terms of how I’ve been studying, not a lot has changed. My exams don’t carry any real credit this year, but I’m still aiming to achieve high grades. Over the Christmas break, I’ve been focusing a lot more on resting rather than working- so I whilst I haven’t done a LOT, the revision I’ve done has been productive. I still use flashcards and Quizlet, but I’ve recently introduced summary posters onto the scene as well, which has been working well for me. I’ll make a post on how I make these in the near future!

Overall, the first term has been pretty good academically. I feel stretched and challenged, and things are at a manageable level of difficulty. Which brings me onto something that has not been at a manageable level of difficulty this term…

My Wellbeing

Mental health. Something of a taboo topic within the study community. It’s something we all will deal with, and something most of us will struggle with to some degree at times. So, why don’t we talk about it more?

I won’t go into super deep, personal detail in this next section. Mostly because there are some things I’m not comfortable with sharing on the internet. However, I do think it’s important for me to use my small platform of followers to talk about my own experiences and attempt to tackle the stigma about being a student and struggling with mental health, so I am going to be as honest as I can about what’s been going on.

Before coming to university, I was already having a difficult time with my mental health, and had been for a few years. This summer was a particularly bad one for me. A-Levels left me completely exhausted, results day was a bit of a sticky one, and thinking about life as I knew it coming to an end was terrifying. I knew that, once I moved to uni, I was going to feel even sadder, lonelier, and more out-of-place than I already did. And I had no idea how to deal with it.

I believe that one of the biggest contributing factors to my sudden and sharp decline in mental wellness after arriving in York was the fact that, even two months later, I still hadn’t gotten over my Durham rejection. Ignoring my initial disappointment was a bad idea, though I didn’t know it at the time.

As someone who has been a high achiever their entire life, rejection and failure aren’t things I’m used to dealing with at all. Not on this scale, at least. Academics was the one thing I could always rely on, the one thing underpinning all of my successes. The one thing within which I had manifested almost my entire personality. Before, I was always Bella, the smart one. Bella, top of the class. Bella, the straight-A student; set to do great things; capable of going anywhere… But, now, here I was. Bella, just got rejected by her dream university.

Trying to settle into student life with a completely secure sense of self is hard enough- trying to settle in whilst struggling to cope with all of these new, conflicting feelings? It was so, so difficult. WAY more than I would ever admit to in real life. Stupid me was too proud to admit that I was upset to ‘only be going to my second choice’ so I told friends, family, and everyone else that I was perfectly happy to be going to York instead of Durham, and that I wasn’t sad about it at all.

(I want to clarify that I am in NO way trying to diminish the hard work and achievements of anybody who got into their second choice university, or anybody else who got into York. Only now have I realised that it’s nothing to be ashamed of, and if anything you should be proud that your efforts got you into whichever school you ended up in. I’m just sharing with you all how much I struggled to accept this rejection, and how it affected my mental health).

I knew people who had gotten in, and I saw them posting on Instagram about matriculation and other social events at the university. This completely broke my heart. I was happy for my friends who were studying there- they worked hard and more than deserved to be there… but I couldn’t help but feel jealous. I wanted to be there with them. The place that I had worked so incredibly hard to receive an offer for.

Although it’s embarrassing to admit, I did actually cry a bit after seeing these posts. I didn’t know how to process my feelings, because for those first few weeks after rejection I absolutely refused to let myself mope (looking back, I’ve got no idea why I did that. Wtf Bella?). I was determined to be strong about it and try to force myself to be happy with the situation I found myself in- despite the fact that, deep down, I knew it wasn’t where I wanted to be. Not at first, anyway. Pair the bittersweet pain of first-time rejection with my consistent struggle with self-esteem and low moods… Things got ugly fast.

If I had to put a finger on when I started to feel things getting really bad, I’d trace back to somewhere near the first month mark. Freshers week, whilst it felt awkward and drawn-out, wasn’t too bad in terms of my mental wellbeing. I think I was so caught up in trying to adjust to this crazy, new life I had that I didn’t have a lot of time to stop and wonder how I was feeling. Those of you who also struggle with mental health issues will know that they never really go away. They always at least linger in the background, if they aren’t in the forefront of your mind. So I suppose you could say that I felt my strange, healthy-but-unhealthy version of ‘normal’.

I hadn’t yet adapted to life as a York student, but that wasn’t much of a concern at this point. It takes a long time to adjust to change, and I had only been there for a few days. I thought I just needed to wait it out. But, after the first few weeks passed by, I started to notice something weird.

I still didn’t feel settled in. In fact, I didn’t feel like I was there at all. Nothing felt ‘real’. After years of dreaming and wondering what life would be like at university, I suddenly found that the situation I was in wasn’t what I expected it to be at all. I didn’t ‘feel’ like a university student here, even months into this first term. Or, rather, I didn’t feel what I had decided that being a university student ought to feel like.

For my whole life, I’ve attached so much of my identity to my intelligence and educational aspirations. To reach the highest stage of my academic career thus far- the place I’ve been working to get to my whole life- and find out that it was possible that this wasn’t where I wanted to be caused me to completely lose my sense of identity.

The conflict between feeling ‘too good’ for here, but simultaneously viewing my rejection as me ‘not being good enough’ for Durham left me drifting somewhere in the middle with all aspects of my life. University was a big deal for me, and had been for as long as I could remember. I attached so much of who I was to my work, and ergo the university I was going to go to. Having failed to prove to myself that I was who people had been telling me I was for years, I didn’t have scraps of personality left to hold onto.

I felt as though I didn’t belong here, but also that if that were true I didn’t really know where I did belong. I knew that I was smart, and that I was capable of achieving the A-Level grades that I needed to meet my offer requirements for my first choice. Things just didn’t go to plan in my Maths exams. But, at the same time, whenever I struggled with the work here in York, I would say to myself: ‘Oh, look. You can’t even manage the work they give you here. How did you ever think you were good enough for Durham?’

As you can imagine, this made my mental health quite difficult to manage properly. My inability to cope with rejection, trying to live independently for the first time, facing a whole new series of academic challenges, and missing my friends/family ALL took its toll on me in more ways than I care to say. But, stubborn old me tried to make the best of an unexpected, difficult situation. I decided that I wasn’t going to be ungrateful.

I had been accepted into one of the best schools for my subject in the country. I was going to try and make the most of life here, even if it wasn’t what I had wanted in the beginning, and even if it was proving to be a lot harder than I thought it would be. I wish I could say I was able to move past the sadness I felt because of my rejection and because of all of the other things going on in my life (my already poor mental health, trying to live independently…), but that just wasn’t the case.

To keep it short and sweet, student life was kicking my arse.

The dip in my mental health began to affect my ability to work and take care of myself. I was struggling with this sudden and total lack of motivation to keep up with just about everything.

Independent study was completely forgotten about. I skipped countless music rehearsals, and rarely spent time with my flatmates and friends. I didn’t cook properly- I relied on foods that took less than five minutes to cook or didn’t eat at all. I didn’t put as much effort into looking after myself and looking presentable as usual; I usually love dressing nicely, carrying out elaborate skincare and makeup routines- but all of that immediately went out of the window. I rarely left my room, and I would stay essentially completely by myself for days at a time.

There was no part of my life that didn’t take a blow as a result of my poor wellbeing. It was like I’d given up and decided I would just settle for the bare minimum and float aimlessly until the winter break arrived. I didn’t care anymore. Not about appearance, not about my work, and not about me.

Now is probably the time to mention that I didn’t actually tell anyone that this was going on, spare one of my closest friends who I knew for sure wouldn’t judge me. To this day, most people still have no idea that I was having such a bad time, and that I’m still feeling the residual negative emotions from the last few weeks of term. There are a lot of reasons why I didn’t talk to anyone about it, but the main two were that I’m a very private person, and that my family isn't always the most understanding when it comes to helping each other deal with mental health issues. I desperately wanted other people to know what I was going through, but the thought of coming out and telling them straight-up petrified me. I knew I couldn’t do it. So, I chose to hide all of it under the façade of being exhausted from my busy timetable. Or whatever excuse was most convenient at the time for whoever asked me what was wrong.

Another reason I didn’t tell anybody about what was going on kind of plays into the problems I’d been wrestling with before coming to uni (they’ve been an issue for much longer than just this summer, just to point out). I won’t talk about them in detail, because I’m not ready to discuss a lot of what I went through and what I’m still going through, but I’ll say that part of it is that I have a pretty crippling fear of being judged by other people. For my physical appearance, for my academic achievements, for my personal opinions and preferences- for everything. Everything. I don’t really talk about myself to anybody, so even just writing this post feels a bit odd. As you can imagine, admitting I’d been having a terrible time with my mental health to my close friends and family was out of the question.

I had basically reached my lowest point ever. I felt lonely, isolated, and completely lost. I wasn’t living the life people were expecting me to, and I wasn’t

Maybe this seems silly to some of you out there reading this who are dealing with a much bigger and more painful situations than my own. I recognise that there are much worse things I could be going through. And no, of course not every day of the past term was awful. I’m not trying to say that being rejected from my dream university caused this- rather that it fed into what was already a significantly complex problem. But, for someone like myself who pinned all of their self-worth on their educational goals and achievements- for someone who had never really ‘failed’ at something like this before- I was pretty fucking crushed. Enough to make me lose track of basic things I’d never usually had a problem managing before.

My problems had engulfed my life. I was miserable and couldn’t stand it. I was fed up of sticking it out alone. Desperate to let someone else take the burden for a little while, I finally, finally decided it might be worth considering getting some help.

I made an appointment to go and visit the University mental health services, and they signposted me to the local NHS mental health services. The waiting list for an assessment was surprisingly short- it only took me 2-3 weeks to get an appointment where I could receive an initial diagnosis and learn what treatments were available.

It was at this point I found out that I had an anxiety disorder.

This wasn’t particularly shocking news- I struggled with social anxiety as a young teenager- but it made me quite emotional to finally hear someone tell me that what I was feeling WAS part of a bigger problem. It wasn’t just me blowing things out of proportion.

So, that brings us to where I am now. Currently on the waiting list for group therapy. I haven’t really decided if its something I want to talk about on this blog yet, but I feel like even just sharing with other students that I took the step to go and seek help from my uni will hopefully encourage more people who are struggling to do so as well. Most universities have decent mental health services, or at least someone who can point you in the direction of the appropriate resources to help you, so it’s definitely worth looking into in my opinion.

But, right now, I’m feeling okay. This term has been challenging for me and my emotional wellbeing, but the knowledge that I ploughed through and (for the first time in my life) asked for help when I knew I needed it makes me feel proud of myself. A month away from halls has definitely helped me, and I’m actually looking forward to going back with a new, rejuvenated perspective on student life- which leads me onto the final section of this long, waffly post...

What have I learned? How am I trying to make changes? What are my plans for the future?

Well, aside from developing my Chemical knowledge through some pretty fantastic lecture courses and practical sessions, I’ve discovered a lot about myself this term. For example- I’ve realised that I place too much of my personal value on academic achievement and the prestige of the institutions I’m a member of. I should learn to accept that I am so much more than my grades, and that it doesn’t matter where I go to school. Sure, it would have been nice to enjoy all of the things life in Durham has to offer, but does it really matter when I’m living in a beautiful city, studying the subject I love with people who are just as excited about it as I am, and watching myself change and blossom into a completely new person? Not at all.

The most important thing, and the most difficult, was to admit and accept that I wasn’t having a good time here. And that it was okay to feel like this. I could lie to everyone around me about it and say that I was happy, but I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. In fact, it took being honest with myself for me to actually start to feel a little bit happier about where I was- literally AND mentally.

I suppose this begs the following question: would I consider transferring? Surely, after all of the emotional chaos I went through trying to get over what felt like the biggest setback of my life so far, I would take the ‘easy way out’ and re-sit my Maths papers so that I could re-apply to Durham and live the life I was convinced I needed to be living?

Honestly… No. Partially because the heartbreak of being rejected was kind of enough to put me off potentially going through it again by re-applying, but also because I feel like this is an important life experience for me to have.

I need to learn healthy coping mechanisms for dealing with rejection and being in situations I didn’t initially want to be in. Obviously, there are lines and limits with this kind of thing, and it differs from person to person and situation to situation, but I’m in a good place for me, I think. It isn’t perfect, but it isn’t meant to be. And I know that if I work hard to make the most of everything my life has to offer me, I’ll reach a point where the struggles I’m dealing with now will be but a distant memory.

...

So, that’s all I want to mention for now! I hope this explains why I’ve been so absent from this blog. Being productive was something I really struggled to do this term, so I didn’t have much going on that I could really post about. However, I’m looking forward to showing more of what my life as a Chemistry student at York looks like when I move back up for term two.

Talking about this has really helped me to reflect on my experiences and gain a little bit of closure from what was a pretty wild and confusing 11 weeks. I might post more content like this in the future, because I think it’s important to show other students that they aren’t alone and more people are dealing with things like this than they realise, but I won’t make any promises just yet.

I hope you are all having a lovely winter break, wherever you are, and I hope you are all looking forward to the next term of school, college, university, or even just the New Year by itself!

See you soon.

Bella <3

#studyblr #mental health #student mental health #anxiety #coping with anxiety

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theusurpersdog · 5 years

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Why The Long Night Felt Hollow

So a bunch of fans, r/Freefolk in particular, are vehemently against the Night King’s death in episode three. To them, its entirely unthinkable that D&D took the series’ overarching villain and killed him halfway through the final season, with 4 more hours of Game of Thrones to go. And while I disagree with them, I also think the show itself is partially responsible for the outrage. I believe GRRM will also defeat the Others before the “politics” of the series are finished, but his version will be much more satisfying because he is writing a fundamentally different story - a story of human tragedy and triumph, not a game of thrones.

First, I’d like to establish why I think GRRM will defeat the White Walkers before he wraps up the rest of his story. His quotes on JRR Tolkien and The Lord of the Rings are some pretty strong evidence:

Ruling is hard. This was maybe my answer to Tolkien, whom, as much as I admire him, I do quibble with. Lord of the Rings had a very medieval philosophy: that if the king was a good man, the land would prosper. We look at real history and it’s not that simple. Tolkien can say that Aragorn became king and reigned for a hundred years, and he was wise and good. But Tolkien doesn’t ask the question: What was Aragorn’s tax policy? Did he maintain a standing army? What did he do in times of flood and famine? And what about all these orcs? By the end of the war, Sauron is gone but all of the orcs aren’t gone – they’re in the mountains. Did Aragorn pursue a policy of systematic genocide and kill them? Even the little baby orcs, in their little orc cradles?

And the scouring of the Shire —brilliant piece of work, which I didn’t understand when I was 13 years old: ’Why is this here? The story’s over?’ But every time I read it I understand the brilliance of that segment more and more. All I can say is that’s the kind of tone I will be aiming for.

The first quote shows just how committed to the logistical side of ruling GRRM is. He is unsatisfied with the idea that just because someone is a hero, they would make a great King. And not only that, but GRRM is also heavily invested in the idea that good people can do awful things because they see it as a necessity. His example of killing the Orcs - how would one handle that humanly? Is it possible? That’s the question GRRM is trying to explore. His quote sets up that the after matters to him, how is his rulers going to clean up after the Others destroy the North and potentially more of Westeros?

The second quote is widely misunderstood by the BNF’s of the fandom. They seem to interprete GRRM’s quotes on the Scouring of the Shire as foreshadowing for the Starks reclaiming and rebuilding Winterfell in a post-Others world. This kind of makes sense, because if you’ve read Lord of the Rings, the Scouring of the Shire comes after the battle over the Rings, and is the story of the Hobbits coming home to realize Saruman after falling from his high place is now going by a different name and ruining the Shire; so the Hobbits have to fight to reclaim their home. But, I disagree with this interpretation. Taking this quote within the context of everything else GRRM has said, to me it is clear that he’s hinting at the villain after the villain; how you can defeat the supernatural “big bad”, and still be left with the everyday evils of people giving into their darker natures. “The human heart in conflict with itself” has forever been GRRM’s mindset, and having the Others as his villains frankly would be boring for him.

And in GRRM’s version of his story, he has set this up very well. All the people who would be disappointed at this are missing a huge part of his narrative. The biggest argument for the Others being the final villain is that “the whole story is about people setting aside their petty squabbles to save humanity” - and wow, do I hate this take with a passion. It is so utterly dismissive of our protagonists, while also being dismissive of our antagonists/villains. I take issue with the idea that all the events in the South have been “petty squabbles”; sure, some of them have been petty, but GRRM is sure to highlight that some of these events are justified (while also highlighting how sad and awful they are). GRRM is a big believer in the idea that you can’t just sit and let evil run its course, that’s why he believes World War II was a justified war. So, for people to just dismiss that our protagonists have been fighting because their families were brutally murdered, just kills me. The North is fighting for independence because they don’t want to be at the mercy of someone who kills them for no reason, the Starks specifically are fighting for their own safety, Oberyn and the Martells are fighting because their sister/aunt was raped and murdered with her very young children. If you can read that, and come away with “wow I wish they would just get over it and team up with the people who abused/killed them” then you’ve missed the point. I hate the idea that a team up to kill the White Walkers is the morally correct ending. In fact, I think an existential threat to the whole world proves less about someone’s character; its much easier to care when you are threatened, but the drama down south gives us these moments where our characters are completely selfless in pursuit of doing the right thing (no chance and no choice). To claim the White Walkers matter more, is to minimize the suffering of people at the hands of other people. Is it morally better to defeat Climate Change if you ignore the Holocaust?

Now that I’ve defended George Martin, its time to explain why I think people are unhappy with David and Dan’s interpretation. As I said above, GRRM is making a point about humans and how good they can be, how bad they can be, and how those decisions can change everything. But that’s not the story D&D have been telling. Their’s has literally just been a Game of Thrones; they strip the humanity of GRRM’s story in favor of RealPolitik, and its evident in the characters they choose to highlight and defend (Tywin, to give an example). Tyrion’s arc in A Clash of Kings includes politics, but GRRM is much more interested in explaining why he makes the decisions he does, digging deep into the roots of his trauma at the hands of Tywin and Cersei, how the ableist hatred of the smallfolk affects him, and why he is so susceptible to believing Shae loves him; now contrast that with season two of Game of Thrones, which is essentially “Tyrion is very clever and witty”. Sansa is another great example of this; D&D understand from GRRM that Sansa is a very good leader, and how they show this is her being very pro Northern Independence. Is there anything wrong about that? No. But compare that to the leader GRRM is writing Sansa as - “if I am ever Queen, I’ll make them love me”. Her kindness, compassion, understanding, and focus on those in poor conditions is what defines her. She is so sympathetic and empathetic to those struggling (seriously read what she puts up with from Sweet Robin while still loving and caring for him), and none of that was adapted to the show. D&D don’t care about the human side of politics. And that makes the politics down south seem kind of empty, when you compare it to the high stakes of defeating the Night King. So while I love the storytelling decision to kill of the White Walkers now, and drastically open up the narrative, I am a little bit sympathetic to all the criticisms people have. The show has operated under the facade of being meaningful for quite some time now, and people were expecting just a little more of a moral statement.

#game of thrones #A Song of Ice and Fire #Sansa Stark #asoiaf meta

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polarb2709 · 5 years

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How Marvel Destroys Character Arcs. Part Two: Captain America

This is continuation post of a previous piece I did concerning character arcs and Black Widow. If you haven't read part one of this post, you can find it on my page or clicking the link in my bio. Part Three will be Romanogers.

As stated before, SPOILERS FOR ENDGAME AHEAD...

Ready?

Okay.

PART TWO:

Captain America

Captain America had been my favorite avenger -- until Endgame, of course. He had been stalwart in his morals, and Chris Evans managed to give us the impression that no matter what threat was facing the avengers, Cap could handle it. If everyone else had collapsed from exhaustion, given up, and been left for dead, we'd see Cap still standing, ready to face down his foes (which is an exact shot we saw in Endgame prior to his reinforcements). Captain America was a comfort for the audience, a safety blanket, and despite heroes like Thor or Hulk being more powerful, it was Cap that I hung my hat on to get the team through impossible odds.

His character arc is complicated. The writers have a difficult time in moving someone like Cap to grow because what makes him so special is his unwavering belief in fighting for the little guy, in not tolerating bullies, in seeing the world in black and white, what's right and what's wrong, and never wavering from being who he is. In a world constantly changing, we admire Cap who remains steadfast, unfazed by the changing times or the people within them.

In Captain America: The First Avenger, prior to the end of the first Act we get the theme of the movie and the character of Steve Rogers. If you read Blake Snyder's book on screenwriting he says that any good blockbuster movie will have the theme uttered by one of the characters early on in the movie. This time, it comes from Dr. Erskine:

DR. ERSKINE

Whatever happens tomorrow, promise

me you’ll stay who you are. Not a perfect soldier...

HE TAPS STEVE’S CHEST WITH ONE FINGER, LOOKING INTO HIS EYES.

DR. ERSKINE (CONT’D):

But a good man.

Steve clinks his glass with Erskine’s.

STEVE:

To the little guys.

To be a good man. To stay who you are... these are sometimes the hardest things to do in life. What does it take to be a good man? What does it mean to be a good man? And what does it take in this movie for Steve Rogers to stay true to who he is, despite what he is about to experience?

Throughout TFA, Steve Rogers comes into his own as Captain America. He develops a romantic relationship with Peggy Carter and is challenged by his superior to not disobey orders. Steve stays true to himself and does what he believes is right. The perfect soldier, as Dr. Erskine puts it, is a man who has lost himself. He does whatever his superior says. He foregoes his own morals and values for a mission. He would know, wouldn't he? He came from Germany after all, where a soldier, despite being a good man before he dons the uniform, turns into a monster.

I wish that there would have been harder choices for Steve to make to show the audience the difficulty of always being the good man. Disobeying a superior officer is a great way to do that, but it has been done to death in movies. Other ways I can think of are also cliche: him not leaving a man behind, him making a moral choice to not attack a compound if there are civilians inside it. The first noncliche example I can think of is in Wonder Woman -- the No Man's Land scene. She makes the choice to stay and fight for innocents, despite the despair bearing down on her and her friends. Steve (the other Steve, the DC Steve) tells her that they have to stay with the mission, and utters the line: "You can't save everybody." This comes as a bit of foreshadowing, as toward the end of the movie, Steve is the one that cannot be saved. I digress.

At the end of TFA, Steve makes "the sacrifice play" and puts the plane into the ocean and now we are shown what it means to be a good man (in the writer's eyes): to sacrifice for the greater good, no matter what. In my opinion, there wasn’t as much of an arc to Cap’s character in TFA. At every moment, no matter what the circumstance, Steve made the choice true to him, to being a good man. It's great, and we the audience can get behind it, but how does one grow a character that is already so defined from the get go? His arc actually never wavered; it never progressed. And for a movie involving compromise and evil, that's good, but...

When we get to Winter Soldier, Cap is now in the modern world, 70 years later, and is faced with the changing landscape of truth and trust. We first see a little banter between him and Widow, which quickly turns to a strong conflict of morals and mission. Natasha collects data from the ship while Steve was assigned to saving the passengers aboard. Steve was unaware of Natasha's mission and is appalled. This is compounded by the fact that Steve is no longer a soldier, where choices are laid out clearly: he is a spy, working for Shield. It conflicts with every aspect of his character. When we hear the line "he's a man out of time" it isn't just about him being temporally in a different setting, but that his values and morals are of another era. We want him to hold onto that, but we also want to see him grow.

Instead Cap becomes the anchor with which other characters grow around him. He learns to trust Natasha, sure, and the two develop a more intimate connection, but the real growth here is Natasha herself: by the end of the movie, she accepts her dark past, releases it to the public, and establishes trust with someone other than Hawkeye. Bucky goes from being a controlled spy to setting himself free, all because of Steve's friendship and the bond that they had when they were young. And as for Steve, his growth is centered around moving on from the past, and accepting his place in this new world, but this arc isn't really completed until Age of Ultron where he says: "I'm home."

Actually the exact lines are:

Steve Rogers : I don't know, family, stability. The guy who wanted all that went in the ice seventy-five years ago. I think someone else came out.

Tony Stark : You alright?

Steve Rogers : I'm home.

This is the first clear indication that Steve has left the desire to return to the 1940s behind him. He's established himself as an avenger, a leader, and as a trainer in the SHIELD facility with Natasha. And for all the crap Joss Whedon got for AoU with Natasha, he hit the character arc of Cap right: when you go through something like that -- a crucible of sorts -- it changes you.

Even civil war was a steady continuation of his arc -- for the first time ever Steve hid secrets from a friend to protect him, or maybe, to protect himself. He bled into the shades of grey of this new world. And those choices had consequences. AND HE HAD PEGGY'S FUNERAL, WHERE HE KISSED SHARON CARTER, her great niece or whatever. More on this later, but in Infinity War he really didn't have an arc because he didn't have time for it, but Endgame...man Endgame did some damage.

The Choice:

For those reading, you already know what Steve does at the end of Endgame. He says he wants to take Tony's advice and actually live, so he goes back in time, creates an alternate timeline, and spends the rest of his days with Peggy. He quantum leaps back to the main timeline and hands his shield to Sam. It's a touching moment, but for some of us the scene (like Nat's death) fell flat.

This is the kind of stuff that drives me nuts because at the end of Endgame, none of the choices prior ever mattered. None of the things Cap actually did or said in any of the other movies mattered, because his final choice is the complete antithesis of his character arc. The writers talk about whether or not his choice was fan service or not. Yeah, it was. And that's what is really difficult about writing comic book stories or stories like the Harry Potter franchise: the pressure to please fans sometimes overrides the appropriate arc for the character.

Just as bad: it contradicts the main theme of Endgame: there are some things we have to accept. In the promos we hear Peggy's voice" "you know none of us can go back..." a line harking back to Winter Soldier. Things cannot be the same.

Steve Rogers says: "Some of us move on, but not us." And that if one were to try and change the past, there will be serious consequences. Natasha's death coincided with that theme. So did Tony's. But Steve? Steve had no consequences. So not only did he violate his arc, but his choices also violated the theme of Endgame.

I would have been happy if Steve had gone back to the past, but that choice had SERIOUS consequences -- like we saw a clip of the Ancient One saying like there are multiple timelines branching out in all different directions or something, I don't know, but to have him make that choice -- a choice that retcons his character arc -- and to have NOTHING happen is a hard pill for me to swallow. Or have him go back, dance with Peggy, but then leave. If his home is the avengers, the ones who sacrificed so much for him, the ones who have spent the last 15 years with, then he needs to stay there, retire, but stay in the present. His actions don't make sense. They would if Peggy had been an ever present figure throughout his movies, but besides Winter Soldier and Steve seeing a photo of her on a wall, we don't see that. We see him kissing Sharon Carter, flirting with Black Widow, spending years with her underground and developing an intimate relationship. Not once do we see Steve reflect on missing Peggy and longing to go back through Winter Soldier, Ultron, and Civil War. I'm taking the nightmare Steve had in Ultron (where he danced with Peggy) as an interpretation as just that: a nightmare. It was all the things he actually feared. In the scene the implication is very strong: he knows he can't stay here, he knows it isn't right.

It's not that Cap is being too selfish, because I think Cap also deserves one big helluva win; it's that his selfish choice conflicts with everything we've come to know about him. What would have been great, and would have fit his arc from Ultron and the theme of Endgame, is if Endgame had Cap wondering about going back, debating it, considering the possibilities and tempting fate, but then realizing all the family and home he has here, and fully embracing them as his family (kinda like how Natasha did). Cap then would have accepted the cards life dealt him and he would have acknowledged that that you can't go back, because going back would be living in the past, metaphorically and literally.

#romanogers #capwidow #captasha #captain america #black widow

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dougbeamer · 5 years

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Brightburn - Movie Review *Spoilers*

I saw this movie almost a month ago. I tried doing a video review for it several weeks ago and idk...nothing stuck. What I wanted to say just felt like it could be the same as everyone else. I just don’t think I’m gonna add anything new to the consensus.

But then I got thinking about it again for some reason I felt a desire to talk about it again.

So! Let's start with the plot and what this movie is about.

Brightburn is a film that came out in May of 2019 and tells the story of a family Tori and Kyle Breyer trying to have a kid. By a miraculous miracle, a spaceship crashlands on their farm and they adopt the baby boy inside naming him, Brandon. Many years later the family begins experiencing weird things with their now 12-year-old child. He sleepwalks to the barn where the ship he crashed landed in mumbling a strange language and trying to get inside.

Eventually, Brandon Breyer’s powers take effect and he starts using them to kill people rather than saving people. Brandon Breyer’s is on the full path to becoming a supervillain.

With the plot, in a nutshell, I can tell you there isn’t much more to it than that. If there is anything that I don’t like when making my reviews is explaining the plot. I know I need to in order to give everyone a heads up of what I am talking about but I never seem to talk about the plot specifically enough. I never actually describe it well. My store manager had an opportunity to see this film and said it pretty simply. “It’s like Superman meets Annabell”

While I never have seen Annabell it seems like an apt description. Annabell seems like a small film in scale and terrorizes folks who come close to it. The stakes are personal, intense and not much beyond what you are given. Of course, Superman is the spot on the comparison you can give because this film screams, “WE ARE SHOWING WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF SUPERMAN WENT EVIL!” as a concept piece.

Every time I think about this film the less I like about it.

I know there are some people out there that probably L-O-V-E this film and can’t wait to see what is next in this obvious start to a twisted franchise.

This film is basic. Very basic. Nothing more to it than a kid coming to his own with superpowers with his parents in denial of what he is capable of. The father is less in denial than the mother is who refuses to think her child is capable of such things.

At the beginning of this film, I actually loved it. The took just enough time to create the conflict between these two that they wanted a child. Just then their house is rocked by an earthquake and they proceed to check it out. It was mysterious, it was solid.

The rest of the film...not so much.

When I watch a film I lookout for a few things. One of them being dialogue, moments to establish the relationships as true, real and tangible, stakes that make sense no matter how much it derails the people involved, and above all else how the film constructs this. Bring it all together with enough pomp and circumstance to say we are functional.

To me, this movie is barely functional.

Dialogue is stiff. When people talk to one another it's so short and to the point that it feels like there is more than can be said. This may not be a legitimate critique but I do feel like the technique of talking is wasted here.

There was a scene where after Brandon crushed a girl's hand and the following scene the parents were all talking in the principal's office. The mother of the daughter was clearly upset and rightfully so. She was spouting this and that, “he should go to jail” and other justifiable remarks. Until...she talks about Brandon's real mother and calls her an inbred psycho. This obviously crosses a line as Tori simply states that if trash-talking a 12-year-old child helps erica sleep better at night maybe she is the one that needs help. After that, the scene wraps up and it's over. It's not without consequence, of course, but I feel that the scene was stunted with a lot of missed opportunities with dialogue. Instead of Erica overstepping her bounds and Tori putting her in her place within seconds of the scene ending I felt that should have been the biggest conflict in the scene. A longer more emotionally driven scene.

Granted I know the script has been flipped and instead of Brandon being the good guy he's bad. The parents are sticking up for him wrongfully but are on the side of good and Erica is in the middle. The scene conveys mixed emotions that I feel no one is good, no one really knows what to say or do. Brandon is not arrested, he is suspended and will have therapy there afterward and one simple insult closes this off and they move onto the next subject. With the knowledge of the looming fate, Erica will endure. I feel the scene should have been at least a few minutes longer where we are given a chance to really understand where other people are coming from. By this point, we know where Kyle and Teri are coming from but not Erica. She is actually smack dab in the middle of a situation she has to immediately respond to. Before that, she only was apart of Brandon’s birthday and saw him throw a temper-tantrum where the electronics around him went out. No speaking lines and that may be enough for her to call Brandon a psycho but allow me to point out...

There is an entire bit of backstory faded out to the prolonged stare Teri was making with her son Brandon. A lot of dialogue was muffled out do to her zoning out. They only time she snaps out of it is when insults are being thrown out towards Brandon and questions of who his real mother is.

That entire scene should have been insightful! Erica could still stay as the emotional mother who just hears and sees the aftermath of her daughter's hand crushed but we could have known at some point where she stood with the family, what kind of friends they were and some back history. Cause we just found out in that very moment more than just the family knows about Brandon’s adoption. That there in of itself leaves me to believe a lot has to be assumed in order to understand where everyone is coming from.

My mind goes to the phrase Expectations vs Reality. When I think about this movie there were a lot of expectations and when the reality hit we basically see what could have been opposed to what we got. Brightburn had a criticism that its full potential was not realized.

This is where I have to disagree.

Yes, I have to disagree.

We have had over 10 years of great storytelling and bad storytelling at our expense thanks to Marvel, DC, various TV shows throughout the last decade. We know exactly what we want in these types of films. So when we get a what-if concept there are only a few ways we can go with it.

Our expectations are seeing a complex take on the tale of Superman becoming evil and the reality is we see a kid who is being manipulated by a ship speaking an evil language. We don’t really see where the kid is coming from except for getting upset that he is different and was lied to for 12 years.

The reality is this is probably the best way to convey a what-if piece. Keep it Simple. Keep it just as grounded as it is right now. My biggest gripe is how everyone talks to one another. How the situations play out are almost perfect to convey such an excellent concept.

So sticking up for this film in this regard, it did exactly what it was setting out to do. Become a concept piece that would show the makings of a villain that was based on one of the most powerful superheroes we will ever know. In fictional terms of course.

The fact that it didn’t go in any direction we were really hoping it to is not a bad thing though. Sure maybe we could have seen the makings of a villain rise up and maybe the parents are in on it. Maybe the mother takes Brandon under her wing and teaches him to channel his evil tendencies towards people that deserve it much like dexter. Instead, Patricide and Matricide are inflicted, Uncles and Aunts are killed, and next-door neighbors are terrified in cliche fashion before they are horribly killed.

What really doesn’t make this film work for me is not really buying into the fact that this kid who seems well to do, not a single psychopathic bone in his body is suddenly turned when the spaceship he crashed landed in, activates.

The film does not do a good job giving us anything that could give us a clue into Brandon’s head. Is he being controlled? Is he acting out of rage? Well, the answer to that is yes and yes. But when? When are those moments? Because one scene he is going back to the girl (the one whos wrist was broken) and tells her that she is the ONLY person who knows how special he is.

One scene before it or after it I can’t remember which...shows him going into a rage as soon as he figures out what the alien message is saying to him. So he either had a small influence then took what he could and left the rest. Or he gets small doses of this throughout the time he first encountered it. Its really unclear.

One big thing is how people write off each weird happenstance throughout the story of the film. The father, Kyle believes Brandon got in and killed some chickens late at night. The best excuse Tori has is that a wolf opened up a locked door and killed some chickens.

I mean, the reasonings of what to talk about and what not to talk about is out of this world.

The parents find Brandon's secret stash of naked women that soon turn more grizzly where there are pictures of surgical diagrams and graphic photos of organs. Tori exclaims, “Maybe we should have the talk”

In the next scene, they go on a camping trip and the father and son have an awkward conversation about this. But the only thing mentioned was sexual urges and nothing more. DUDE, you found diagrams and organs! That is much more specific than showing off a desirable swimsuit model! TALK ABOUT THAT! This stuff gets pretty redundant after a while. You get it. Dialogue doesn’t work, the scenes and situations mentioned don’t add up when they need to talk about more important things, the relationship between the mother and father work but not with the kid, sadly.

I feel this movie did deliver upon its potential I just feel it could have been written better. I could care less that it was a cliche horror murder movie. Give me something basic and grow from there. You could have had the characters a lot smarter, capable, flesh out the scenes better and you would have had one solid film on your hands.

Perhaps I don’t have anything better to say than anyone else but this movie came close to frustrating me on how it presented itself.

The ending sparked more curiosity and obvious means to a sequel that I feel should have been introduced in the middle of the film. But, hey, that's just my expectations talking.

I know there are some out there that love the film. One who can justify actions and means of what really could have been going down. But I am a very literal person so if it ain't shown to me I am not going to assume so much happened in-between scenes. I am not a psychic so I don’t know what one is thinking and if you keep a kid quiet I won’t know where he is coming from.

That is exactly what this film did. It alienated me. Me no likey.

**/***** (2 out of 5)

#Brightburn #Brightburn movie review #Brightburn movie #Brandon Breyers #Tori Breyer

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thecomposerthatwaspromised · 5 years

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Before we reach the series finale, there are two musical moments from earlier in the season I wanted to touch on with you: "Jenny of Oldstones," first, which stems from one single lyric in George R.R. Martin's books. How was the rest born?

Yeah, I believe that very first lyric comes from George, and then the rest? David and Dan wrote it. It's interesting. Sometimes, with the way collaborations work, the four of us have written the song together without sitting in the same room together. The three of them wrote the lyrics, and I put the music to the lyrics. Like many times in past seasons, this time, they sent me the lyrics and had me write the melody to it. I didn't have any picture to it. I did the same with "Rains of Castamere," as well. This was done before they were shooting, because in the show, they have Podrick (Daniel Portman) singing it, so they obviously wanted to have it in time for shooting the scene.

When you read the lyrics, what did you feel the song needed to sound like?

I felt it needed to be like… I don't know if "lullaby" is the right word, but it needed a somber feeling. The scene takes place in the night before "The Long Night," the big battle. A lot of our characters are together in a room, then there's the montage where you're seeing everybody else, and the emotional anticipation for them. This is the last night before some of them die or every one of them may die. To me, it needed to have a somber quality to it. That's what I was going for.

I also wanted to ask you about "The Night King," which plays in the closing moments of "The Long Night," as the tide of the battle goes through its final shift. It's only the second time piano has been used in the Game of Thrones score, that I can think of…

To go back to the other piano piece, "The Light of the Seven," that one had quite an impact because — and I've talked about this before — but the fact that we're using piano there for the first time was quite a shocker in itself. It wasn't part of the language of the score. When that piano came in, the listener immediately goes, "Whoa, what is this music? What's happening?" It slowly unfolds into the big explosion of Cersei's plan. Jump to "The Night King." At this point in time in the episodes, we have had 70 minutes of tension and action music in this big battle. Here's a scene where there's an opportunity to use the piano again, and yet again influence the listener in certain ways. This time, we're telling them, "There's piano coming in. The battle is over. We've had multiple attempts to stop the Night King and nothing has worked against his army." The piano starts, and the intention is to give you some closure. It almost has the reverse effect as "The Light of the Seven." We knew how that song would slowly build and at the end, there's the explosion. In this particular case, you're seeing closure all the way. Everyone is at the end of their abilities and they have either given up or will give up and it will soon be over. The Night King, just like Cersei, will follow through. This is going to be it. But then it has the reverse effect when Arya comes out of nowhere to save the day. It was interesting to be able to do this just because of the one other time we had piano. The buildup here is even more than it would have been because we had "The Light of the Seven."

Tying it back to another piece, piano on Game of Thrones almost has the same impact as "The Rains of Castamere" within the show's universe. Catelyn Stark hears that melody at the Red Wedding, and she knows something is terribly amiss. We hear piano on Game of Thrones, and we are trained to expect the worst, after "Light of the Seven." It helps with the surprise when Arya bursts in and saves the day.

Yeah, and not to get too technical about it, but it starts at a different key and a different tempo, and I even went as far as ending up in the same tempo and key as "The Light of the Seven," to even give you the subconscious sense that this is over, and this is the end of everybody. I really hope everyone was holding their breath. That was certainly the intention.

Let's get into the series finale, but before we even get into the music of the episode, let's talk about the fact that it takes quite a while before we even hear any score. The first few minutes are completely without music, as Tyrion and the others survey the wreckage of King's Landing. What were your conversations with David and Dan like about that choice?

Every choice of music is determined with David and Dan. It's not just this example, it's also including every single choice we've already talked about, like the use of piano in "The Night King" piece. Every choice was discussed with David and Dan. For us, it was definitely an active choice for everyone: "No need for music here. Let's just have the aftermath, look at everything that's happened and take it all in. There's no music necessary to enhance the emotion of what everyone is feeling." It's funny when you say that as a composer, because maybe it makes you sound lazy: "Oh, we don't want to write any music here!" (Laughs.) But it can be so much more powerful to not have any music than to try to put in some music when the visuals and acting and everything on screen is so much more powerful. You don't need to underscore that at all. We decided there's no music necessary until Tyrion sees Jaime and Cersei.

Silence can be an instrument, right? Knowing when to withhold music is absolutely part of your arsenal.

Exactly. There's no need to underscore any of the horror and emotion at all. In those cases, it was just better left alone. You want to hear the crackling of the sound effects, which tell a big part of the story as well. You're hearing crackling and bricks falling, all these things that become so much more real when there's no more music with it. It becomes so much more intense.

In the spirit of intense, the first glimpse of Daenerys in the episode comes in the form of her speech before her army. Tell us about crafting this piece, "Master of War."

It certainly underplays the scene. As we talked about earlier where there's no music necessary, here, we felt the visuals and her speech are so powerful that we didn't need to have a massive score enhancing it. The dragon's screams, the army, all of it speaks for itself. The music comes in, and it's almost you're subconsciously picking up on a mood. Her theme is definitely in the piece, but it's much more subtle. You have your full attention to her speech, and the power she conveys to her army, and how convinced she is that she's doing all the right things and she wants to keep fighting, and all the things she says. Musically, subconsciously, it portrays a darkness there. But it doesn't need to overstate that this is the Mad Queen.

You have scored moments of triumph for Daenerys before, and certainly, in her mind, this is a moment of triumph. But it's not for us. We can't share in the victory the way we did in "Mhysa," for example. Was that important to convey with a lower-key score?

Exactly. In a moment like the one you mention, Daenerys is celebrating, everyone is celebrating her. In the scene in the finale, she's being celebrated by her people and she feels like she's done the right thing, but Jon Snow and Tyrion and Arya are all looking on and they're all thinking very differently already. They are all questioning what she's done. "Is this right?" The music is more portraying how they feel and how conflicted the emotions are in the scene. Not everybody is on the same page here. It's why she's not being celebrated. We're playing it more from their perspective than Dany's perspective.

Turning toward Daenerys coming into the throne room and touching the Iron Throne for the first and last time… it's incredibly haunting.

On the soundtrack, that's the second part of "Master of War." That music plays dreamily, because even in her dialogue, she talks about how "When I was young, I couldn't even count to 20." She's very much in her head. As she walks toward the throne, there's a beautiful solo voice that rings out. It's haunting and mysterious, but there's also a sense of beauty for her. Unlike the [House of the Undying vision] in season two, here, she actually touches the throne. The score builds up, because she feels that sense of completion and power, just by even putting her hand on it. She feels she has arrived and she feels that central power.

It leads us into "Be With Me," the piece that plays as Jon Snow kills Daenerys — a critical scene for the series, let alone the finale.

The intention with the piece is that it's more from her perspective. Jon comes in, and Daenerys tries to convince him. The music playing is pretty much their love theme, or at least starts that way. It's trying to go full steam with the love theme: "Be with me, we can do this together." Jon starts questioning it. But the music plays as though she's convincing Jon. We don't know his decision at the moment. The music plays as though they are a couple and they are in love, and their love overrules everything. As we hear the piece, it gets interrupted halfway into the phrase. It never finishes out the theme, because he stabs her. It just stops.

Is that an editing choice in the episode, or is that how the piece ends as you wrote it?

That's how I actively wrote it. We definitely spent some time getting it just right. It's interesting how the phrasing works. If you land on a different chord during the stab, you can almost anticipate it. We really made sure it's written in a way that ends just during the phrase. It comes out of nowhere. You don't expect it at all. When they kiss, you want to feel their love is stronger than anything else. You don't want to anticipate that he's going to kill her. That's why I actively wrote it the way it is now. It stops mid-phrase.

Enter: "The Iron Throne," title of the episode, title of the piece you wrote, which scores one of the biggest moments in the series: the Iron Throne's death by dragon fire.

It comes out of "Be With Me." It starts with a solo violin, and leans on Jon and Daenerys' love theme, "Truth." It starts to play again, but it plays very fractured, and it has that same feeling from Jon where he can't quite grasp what he has done. He's holding his love in his arms. That's why the theme plays from the solo violin, very sparse. Then the dragon comes in and the piece starts to pick up. It becomes more powerful and powerful. It builds to what you think is going to happen next: the dragon killing Jon. But he melts the throne. Then the music shifts into a very powerful piece with the main title's melody in it. Clearly, the real intention is the dragon understands the reason why Daenerys is dead is the urge for power and the throne. I don't want to say the throne was "useless," but there are bad things that come out of the urge to get to power. At the same time, Drogon is crying because his mom is dead in front of him. The piece ends with a segment from "Breaker of Chains," when Daenerys chained her dragons and locked them up [in season four]. There's a callback to that when he comes in and picks her up and flies away. It's a very emotional moment. It goes from this powerful, overall message of what is the purpose of the throne and all the death that the throne has brought us, and then it goes small, to the mother and son relationship. I loved writing that scene. I was crying when I wrote it. It was so emotional.

You end the finale and therefore the series on "A Song of Ice and Fire," which is also the name of George R.R. Martin's series on which Game of Thrones is based.

I always wanted to hold that name for the very end. It had to be the main title theme. It felt like the right bookend. We've heard the main title in the opening of each episode. I just felt like it was going to be the right way to end the show and leave us all with that melody. In this case, it's a celebration. It's a full choir. Everyone's singing the melody. I thought there was nothing more powerful than to turn the theme into a song — the song of ice and fire.

This is the end of Game of Thrones as we know it. You will continue to live in Westeros with your concert series picking back up soon, but it's still an ending. What has it meant to you to be embedded in Westeros for roughly a decade?

It still hasn't quite set in. I'm still in denial. (Laughs.) It's been such a big part of my life. Every season when we end, we'd hug and talk about the season, and I'd go, "Okay! I'll see you next year." To now not have that? It's going to take me a little bit to realize that it's not coming back. But I'm very excited for the concert series. I'm going to rework the concert now with season eight, so now we will have a complete show from beginning to end. It'll keep things alive for me, and hopefully for the fans as well. If anyone wants to get their Game of Thrones fix, they can come see the concert. We have all the highlights from the series. It will certainly send me back to the world of Westeros, which I don't think I'm ever going to be able to let go. Definitely not.

#ramin djawadi #interview #game of thrones #Daenerys Targaryen #s8 #the hollywood reporter #they made him cry!!!

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aithne · 5 years

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(Illume) Tomika's Letters, 8/7 - 8/12: The Worm Turns

8/7/1583 Aomori

Dear Yukiko,

Short sailing this morning, landing us in Aomori this afternoon. We were met immediately by Storming Bear's samurai, and taken to his house and feasted in what appears to be Unicorn grand style. Much meat was involved. Bizarre, but there you have it. He noted immediately that the librarian was different, and said that his new form and apparent profession were much better than his old one. Storming Bear is many things, but stupid is not among them. He knew exactly what the librarian was, before.

We spoke of Minoru, the general who is trying to stir up conflict within the Unicorn, and he said that he'd never heard of the man. Almost as an afterthought, he said he'd had an advisor who he'd fired a month or so back, because he disliked his advice. That advisor was named Tadao, and had gone to Oni Killer after he was dismissed. Oni Killer happens to be Storming Bear's greatest rival within his clan.

So very convenient, it seems.

The Dragon samurai that Haku had sent to the Unicorns rather than causing trouble with the Lions had arrived; unfortunately, they had taken many casualties, and were something of a ragtag band of fifty-odd at this point. There was one that had been altered, who Storming Bear had been about to kill, but he offered to let us take a look at him first.

After finishing our meal, we did so.

Interesting, what we found. A man, but a man more afflicted by strength than any I have seen, wrapped in bonds of muscle as tightly as any ropes. He was feverish and sweating, moaning in what seemed to be pain, the sheet on his mat knotted around him. The scent of his sweat hung thick and sour in the air. Something was wrong. Something was very wrong indeed.

Storming Bear said gravely, "He said that the Dragon contingent had run into Oni Killer's people, and each of them were as giants in their strength. When he killed one, the Unicorn's blood splashed into the Dragon's wounds, and very soon he was feeling unwell. He has been like this for a week, perhaps two. Death would be a kindness, at this point."

Haku asked Panda to look at him with her orb of true seeing. She did, and whatever she saw made her go as white as her hair. She handed the orb to Reiko without comment, and fled from the room. She has had quite the touchy stomach lately, has Panda. Reiko peered through the orb and murmured, "That's neat. Disturbing, but neat."

The orb was passed around, everyone making somewhat disgusted noises. When it came to me, I could see what they had been grimacing about--under the man's skin and inside of him were worms, wriggling, exerting some sort of influence over him. Haku suggested using the true source on him and we promptly did so.

Unfortunately, it worked, but not how we wanted it to.

The worms did indeed come out of him. But they exited through his skin. It was as if he suddenly had dissolved in a cloud of blood. He drew his breath inward as if to scream but died before he could let it out.

We burned the worms that had come out of him and made arrangements for the body of the Dragon to be burned. Gryphon, as we burned the worms, ducked his head under his wing, and whined, "Owwwww....make them stop!" Reiko, confused, inquired what he wanted to make stop, and he said, "The worms are screaming! Can't you hear?"

None of us could, except Gryphon. Oni Killer also brought us a broken katana, and said that the dead Dragon had snapped it in two with his bare hands. Such strength is a frightening thing. Humans are not meant to be so strong.

Storming Bear told us Oni Killer's true name, with the request that we keep it secret, so that Funitsu could scry on him. (I can't tell you what the name is. But I assure you that it is very, very amusing. Evidently Oni Killer's parents had a vicious sense of humor.)

My husband scried, and came back with the information that Oni Killer has three hundred samurai, all altered as the Dragon who had just died was, stationed south and east of Aomori. South farther still are another three hundred troops, evidently in process--probably being altered as the rest are.

Tomorrow, we go south to try and see if we can interrupt the processing of the samurai. Tonight, however, we sleep.

Flirtation is not working on my husband. Strong measures are needed. I am unsure what these measures are, but I will come up with something, I'm sure. Perhaps Panda would have some advice.

Much affection, Tomika

8/8/1583 Aomori

Dear Yukiko,

Such an exciting day! A lovely fight against a mighty foe, and travel in comfort via the mirror. This is, indeed, the life. We headed south early this morning, all of us except Gryphon, Reiko, and Tadaki in the mirror. Gryphon and Tadaki were flying, and Reiko was riding Gryphon, as she takes every excuse to do. She really seems quite fond of the gryphon. Perhaps because in some ways, they are the outsiders, here.

We took the Warresh with us but left the Thrykreen behind. We are very careful to keep the Warresh near enough to the librarian so that he can see them. Out of his line of sight, they may become unpredictable.

Near the place we were heading, there was a barren area, one that looked like it had been growing for some time. There were small turning winds dancing along the surface, as if something from underneath were disturbing the air above. Gryphon found a place to land, and we all came out of the mirror.

We discovered that there were creatures beneath the ground--one giant worm, and many smaller ones. When we dug up a bit of earth, we found that they were the same as the worms that had infected the Dragon samurai, only larger.

Much larger.

A plan was hatched. Tadaki would fire a fireball into the warrens of the worm, and Hiroshi would try to poison the largest one. Meanwhile, we would try to fetch Tadao, who was busily infecting samurai with these worms. We were hoping that in the confusion we could take care of Tadao before the samurai knew what was happening.

A good plan, and one we put into action right away. At the explosion we heard from the barren area, we set out at a run to try to get Tadao. Haku, being the fastest of us, was the first there, and tackled Tadao as he attempted to escape.

The flaw in our plan became apparent when out of the ground burst the largest worm. At a hundred or so feet long, it was massive and much faster than anything that big has any right to be. It was heading after Hiroshi and the Warresh, who were fast but not nearly fast enough.

Panda and Haku were taking care of Tadao, and the worm screamed. The samurai who had been infected, as one, bleed and fell as the worms flew out of them and crawled to join the large one. Perhaps one of the more disgusting sights in the last few days.

I took aim at the worm, but then something happened to make anything I could do exceptionally dangerous. Gryphon had swooped down to pick up the librarian, snatching him out of harm's way, and tried to toss him up in the air and fly under him to catch him on his back. This, unfortunately, did not work as intended, and the librarian dropped, falchion-first, onto the worm's back.

I saw him pour something into the wound, and the worm convulsed and screamed again, writing, trying to rid itself of the man on its back. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Reiko with eyes narrowed, pointing at the worm.

Out of the tiny shaman came a great cry, directed at the worm. "BAD WORM. LIE DOWN!"

And, impossibly, it did.

A few minutes later, it shuddered and died, the poison that the librarian had given it finally working. And where the body of the worm had been, there was suddenly a hole in the air. One that led, quite improbably, back to Kyoto. We didn't trust the hole, and decided to linger to see if it would fade.

In the meantime, Haku gave Tadao some of the true source, and he turned out to be most cooperative, considering that he was one of the Dragon's. He agreed to work for us on the inside, which means we can, perhaps, have Panda's husband Nibori travel with us. I am hoping that will make her less short-tempered.

Tadao said that he though, after the mother worm had died, that in three or so days all of her children would die. We elected to test that theory by going back to Storming Bear and telling him that we could wait for three days and see what happened.

We also have a priest here who has agreed to ride on Gryphon and try a Mass Heal spell on some of the worm-altered people, to see what happens. More on that tomorrow.

Much affection, Tomika

8/11/1583 Aomori

Dear Yukiko,

It has been a tense but otherwise restful three days. When the priest did his heal spell from afar, the worms in the samurai died but their strength did not decrease. We elected to see this as a good sign.

The rest was waiting. I overheard Reiko asking Storming Bear if he had any daughters of marriageable age, and he said he had two. "But you might want the younger one, the oldest is ugly." Having met the girls in question, I had to agree. The younger is a remarkably pleasant girl, sweet of face if not overly pretty. The elder is...well, "ugly" sums it up. It is somewhat difficult to tell she is female, as a matter of fact.

I believe that Reiko is matchmaking, perhaps for your brother, perhaps for Haku or Tadaki. Trust the kitsune, in the middle of a war, to try and marry off those around her. She used to be a politician. Perhaps, in some way, she still is.

Today, we received reports that all of those who'd been infected with the worms had fallen over and slept for a time. Storming Bear stated that he could now take care of Oni Killer, and we have taken our leave.

Panda has been teaching her dog, who appears to be named Dog, to fetch. Dog caught on quickly, but seems to have generalized "fetch" to mean "bring anything small and portable to Panda". So far, Panda has been the recipient of shoes, pieces of Thrykreen armor, two kittens, a set of dice, someone's money pouch, one of the combs I use in my hair, and Taura in fox form, who looked very cranky indeed at being hauled around by a dog.

We're going to Akita, to see if we can convince Nibori to travel with us. Four days to Akita, we think; the winds are unfavorable at the moment for a southward journey.

Much affection, Tomika

8/12/1583 At sea, towards Akita

Dear Yukiko,

Most upsetting and puzzling happenings today. When my husband arose and opened his door, he was the recipient of three darts in the chest, each poisoned. We all heard his shout and came running, and found him pale and sweating, the poison already taking effect.

Reiko rolled her eyes, told Funitsu to hold still, and stood on her tiptoes and kissed his neck, lightly. A red light burned briefly in Funitsu's chest, and she pulled out the darts, the poison on them neutralized. She dropped them in the librarian's hand and stalked off, muttering something about people who were so unobservant as to walk into an assassins' darts.

The device that had fired the darts was a clever Black Hand creation, keyed to Lord Soshi, and we determined that it had been set recently enough that the person who'd set it was probably still on board. Haku went searching and Panda mustered the crew on deck, none of whom had anything unusual about them.

And at the same time, we noticed two things happening. One was that there was a sparkling cloud forming right before Shrike. The second was that the outlines of the ship were changing, taking on a sleeker, faster form.

Panda said a word I didn't think she knew, and I'm not certain she appreciates all of the connotations of. All of us except Gryphon plunged below decks, towards the control chamber. If the outlines of the ship hadn't changed, we'd never have known that someone was in the control chamber.

In the control webbing was someone who was obviously a ninja, and probably a Black Hand member. He or she--it was difficult to tell, with the clothing and the mask--disentangled themself from the control webbing, and braced to attack. Ignoring the ninja, Haku ran past , grabbing his reality-door wakizashi, and proceeded to teleport the entire ship five hundred yards to the left--far enough so we wouldn't sail into the sparkling cloud.

Reiko tried to do the spell she'd done so successfully on the worm, only it rebounded on her, leaving her stunned and mostly incapable of movement. The rest joined battle with the ninja. After taking some grievous wounds from Panda, the ninja slid under her guard, grabbed Reiko by the throat, and hissed, "How quickly do you want her to die? I suggest you stand down." The voice was definitely female.

I could see Panda hesitate, doing the calculus of honor in her head. Somewhere, I believe, she came to the conclusion that the promises of assassins can never be trusted, and came in for another attack.

True to her word, the ninja cut Reiko's throat and dropped her to the boards. Within moments, her body shrank inside her kimono, signaling that she was dead.

The fight, after that, was brief and bloody, ending with Haku taking off the ninja's head. Beside me, Funitsu said, "That's another piece of Arenro's spirit." He uncovered the ninja's dead face. It was nobody I recognized, but the librarian said, "Well, that was Takako. The former second in command in the Hand."

One more down, it seems. Perhaps they have started taking us more seriously.

Funitsu asked me to cast Speak With Dead, so I did, and while he was debating what to ask her, I dug the little black fox body out of Reiko's kimono. I'm reasonably sure the scarlet fabric is ruined. She goes through much clothing, does the kitsune. Perhaps I should look into making a fireproof kimono for her in my spare time. I gave her one of the resurrection tablets I keep on me, and she blurred and changed into her human form, beginning to breathe once more, her damaged throat healing over without a scar.

She opened her eyes, and I said, "You know, every time you wake to see me, you've just died."

She winced and rubbed her throat, and said, "I remember." Pulling on her kimono, both of us turned to pay attention to Funitsu's questioning of Takako's head.

She said she'd come aboard at Aomori, and had secreted herself in a secret compartment aboard Shrike. She had the help of three other Hand members in this; nobody important, Funitsu said, but they'd be found and punished anyway.

We weighted the body down and threw it over the side, and I waved goodbye as it sank into the depths. She had only a few interesting items on her, but the mention of a secret compartment aboard this ship is worrisome to me. I suppose we'll ask Shrike.

Sailing to Akita, still. With any luck, Nibori will still be alive. I believe Panda worries for him; her touchy stomach lately, I think, is perhaps not all due to her pregnancy. Honestly, if having Nibori around will ease her moodiness, I for one am all for it.

There seems to be some sort of fuss up on deck. I suppose I should go see what it is. Perhaps the puppy has chewed something it's not supposed to again.

Much affection, Tomika

[a note, written in Tomika's hand, but undated]

I went to my husband's cabin tonight on some pretext; perhaps I was going to ask him to come see the full moon with me. I slipped into the small room silent as a mouse. I was about to waken him with a hand on his shoulder when I heard him speak, and froze.

He was muttering in his sleep. The only thing I could make out were the words, "Tsutsako. Why? And why?" The tone he said them in was heartbroken and sorrowful.

I stood, hand pressed against my mouth, until he quieted once again. Once he had fallen deeply asleep once more, I slipped from the room.

I know now who my rival is, Yukiko. She is his half-sister, and until he knows why she has betrayed him, I do not think he will even notice my attempts to capture his attention.

My heart is heavy this night with all I have not understood about my husband, and all I have yet to understand.

--Tomika.

Quotes:

"I'm going to bite you, Sparrow." --Reiko

"Hellloooo, creature!" --Gryphon

"It's going to either get a flaming enema or a facelift, depending on which way it's facing." "I fell into a burning ring of fire..." --Ray and Laura

"Can I have a D...something?" "...yes? I think you're going to have to be more specific." --Graham and Kris

"We made a hole in the worm, and the worm made a wormhole." --Graham

"I'm sorry, Lord, for anything I've done in the past, and to your ancestors in the future." --Storm, as Tadao

"…who are you trying to marry off, Reiko?" "Never mind." --Haku and Reiko

"A kappa is a master of martial arts...so they're ninja turtles." --Bryan

"We travel with a former assassin, a current assassin, and the leader of the assassins. You bet I carry Neutralize Poison. I'm not an idiot." --Reiko, explaining why she happened to be carrying the perfect spell for the situation

"You know, every time you wake up and see me, you've just died." --Storm, as Tomika.

"You never really know a thing until you've put it in your mouth." --Kris

#so queued #gaming recaps: illume #D&D recap

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sergeant-morozov · 5 years

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Tunnel Escape (Metro OCs)

The tunnel close to the Red station was going to be demolished with some old dynamite that the red station members had found few months ago, the reason why the tunnel was going to be blown down was because a small squad had found man-made tunnels that some reich soldiers probably had used to move cargo and to travel through underneath the red station. The tunnel was a quick way into other stations near polis and the red officials thought that it could also be used to ambush red cargo and soldier carts. Nobody wasn't really sure if it was dug by reich but the tunnel opposed a threat and the only way to deal with it was to blow the small part of the long tunnel which then would close the smaller tunnel with heavy debris. Nika was with another red soldier preparing the dynamite in the dark tunnel, they used a lantern light to see at least a little bit where they were stepping. "Where the fuck are we supposed to put the last charge? Near the track or at the side platform stairs?" The soldier was starting to get pissed off, both of them had been in the tunnel for few hours now just looking for places to put the dynamite clusters and then go back to their station and wait for the small quake moving through the ground from the explosions. "I don't know- just throw it over there and let's get the fuck out of here. The humming is creeping me out already." Nika pointed towards the dark tunnel and soon the thud from the dynamite cluster hitting the ground, the tunnel had a small, weak breeze moving through it which made an eerie ghostly howl that echoed in the tunnel- the normal ambience.

Everything was going fine until both saw a little light in the dark tunnels, the soldier was ready to turn and run away in fear but Nika wasn't so scared. He has seen anomalies in the tunnels and the light seemed normal, not anomalous at all. "I think we should leave- let's go, I've had enough!" The soldier yapped but the sniper didn't move an inch, the light came closer and closer slowly until Nika could see a human figure holding a torch. The sniper started walking towards the light but the soldier with him quickly grabbed his hand and tried to pull him back towards the way they came from. The light got enough close for Nika to notice the markings on the person's clothing but nothing could be done when a loud but muffled explosion was heard far away from where the reds were putting up their charges. A dust cloud swallowed the light and within a blink of an eye it got both of the reds. Nika could hear the soldier's scared screams and he felt how the bricks on the roundish walls began to clash against each other and how the ground underneath them cracked open and trembled. A brick hit Nika's head and the sniper lost consciousness, when the dust had started to fall the sniper woke up but in the small man made tunnel with some debris from the ground above it. Big and small pieces of cement and bent metal track pieces held some heavier debris from falling on top of Nika. The sniper coughed and tried to wipe his eyes from the dust, it irritated his eyes so much that he couldn't see well. "Fuck- What the hell was that?!" Nika yelled and was waiting for the soldier to respond but nothing. Next to him the smaller concrete pieces started to move and a reich gunner got up and he was also coughing, it made Nika believe that the tunnels were indeed used by the enemy station but also very nervous of the enemy. Nika put on his gas mask that was laying on the dust next to him, with that on his face it was easier to breathe but his vision was quickly blocked by all of the dust. "Verdammter idiot--" The gunner cursed while coughing and pushing off some slightly heavier pieces of metal and cement from his waist and leg. The sniper took off his gas mask and saw the same gunner who he had stabbed with a knife to the forearm few weeks before, he picked up a fist sized piece of cement and thought of hitting the gunner with it for his own safety but his focus shifted to the soldier who was grunting on the tunnel above him.

"The fucking tunnel collapsed.. Wh-Where are you?!" The soldier growled in discomfort, the sniper could hear the soldier walk as the dust and pebbles crackled under his boots. The gunner sat up and took off his own gas mask to wipe off the dust from the goggles but once he noticed the red sniper with his back against the debris behind him, the gunner fired up and tried to reach for his pistol but turned to look at his empty holster. "I'm here! In the tunnel! Help!" Nika panicked and looked up towards the edge of the hole but the soldier wasn't yet there. The gunner put his hands on Nika's shoulders and pressed him against the debris that had some cement pieces hurting the sniper's back but he soon realized that killing the sniper wouldn't help anyone so the gunner stopped pushing and kept looking at the red with a deadly glare. Nika felt his breath shortening but the situation seemed getting better when both of them could hear the soldier and even see him reach down to help at least the sniper out of the hole. "Come on! I'll pull you out but I'll shoot the nazi shit after that!" The soldier laughed to lighten the air, Nika could see the hand and as he tried to reach for it the gunner then grabbed the sniper and pulled him away from the hand. Another tremble was felt on the ground and debris was falling in the background. "Let me go! I'll make him change his mind about shooting you, is that fine?!" Nika struggled in the arms of the gunner but got no answer from him, the sniper tried kicking the gunner but no luck. Yet another quake was felt and soon more debris fell from the ceiling, then Nika saw metal fall from the ceiling near the soldier and the scared yelps from the soldier. He kept looking at the soldier's arm and the urge to fight the gunner and escape with the soldier grew bigger until it died off. A large block of cement dropped from the roof and crushed the soldier, his hand twitched for few seconds before blood started slowly dripping from the index finger and from the thumb. The gunner let go of the sniper but he wasn't moving anywhere, "What the fuck-- How did this shit even happen?!" Nika was beginning to freak out. The gunner wasn't that scared of how things were gonna go on from that point, a small brick fell from the wall close to the ceiling and broke a weak pipe which started fizzing transparent gas. It didn't take long for both men to put on their gas masks to get some breathable air. "Fucking great.. Any ideas on how we're gonna get out of here?" The gunner stood up in the hole of a former tunnel, both ends were tightly buried with debris and it would've taken them hours to dig the tunnel and walk through it. Nika shook his head and tried to stay away from the gunner to avoid any kind of conflict with him, the gunner could probably strangle him to death so annoying him was the last idea he'd use to get out of the situation for good. The gunner kept looking up at the edges of the hole but everything around it was gonna break off when trying to climb up the debris wall, it could also get both injured and fall back down. Nika noticed a green metal box behind the gunner, it was half buried in the dirt and bricks but easy to dig up. For their luck the box was holding gas mask filters but only few.

"You're taller than I am, help me up and I'll try to drag you up!" Nika tried to jump against the debris wall and he got few steps up but it all broke down and the sniper dropped to the bottom, the gunner didn't like the idea because the red wasn't that trustworthy to him. "No way, we'll use some of the blocks to stand on." The gunner growled and started looking for suitable blocks of cement or bricks to pile up but Nika wasn't helping him which the gunner noticed pretty quickly. "How are you always there when I'm getting into trouble with the reich? Like, how is that possible?!" Nika barked at the gunner who then pushed him away to grab a block behind him and the sniper harshly nudged the gunner's side, the gunner dropped the block before hitting the sniper back. Punch to the chest got Nika to jump onto the gunner's back and he tried to rip off his gas mask but the gunner backed straight to the debris wall with metal pieces sticking out of it and one of them hit Nika's spine just in the right angle for the sniper to yelp from the sudden pain and he let go of the gunner, he dropped to the ground and continued to whine about the pain. "Fuck you!" Nika growled but heard the gunner yell back at him; "We'll get out of here! Once we're up there, I'll kill you with my own hands!". "This would've never happened if you people had never dug this fucking secret tunnel! Fuuuck YOU!" Nika yelled from the top of his lungs but the gunner tilted his head a bit before feeling his breath shortening, he remembered the filter box and how they only had limited time to get out of the gas filled hole. "We didn't dig it up, you reds did it!" The gunner hissed before going to the box and changing his filter, even the sniper got confused but once seeing the filter box he also started thinking of getting out of the hole fast. Both men continued to build up a standing block from all of the bricks they found and from the pieces of cement that was lying around in the hole and sticking out of the walls while every now and then switching filters when the one before the switch became ineffective. "I wanna be sure- I'll write "Conrad" to my arm with a metal piece so that if they ever find my body, they'll come after your ass?" Nika huffed while carrying more bricks onto the stand both had been building and Conrad was getting tired of his whining, he dropped the bricks he was carrying and sat down to rest a bit and Nika walked over to him and sat down next to him. "Do you need a new filter? There's only one in the box but we're soon done with the platform." Conrad sighed and with one hand he reached into the metal box to grab the last one. The red sniper kept huffing and shook his head but when Conrad touched his filter, Nika pushed his hand away and got up to carry more debris to the stand. "Nah, I'm good- just bit out of breath. We'll be soon done, right?" Nika was setting up the bricks while Conrad was screwing the new filter to his gas mask. "If you say so but if you're lying to me, you'll end up dead.." Conrad growled and got up to continue the building.

He could only hear the sniper giggle in response and after few more bricks, the stand was done and as Nika tried the platform before Conrad, he suddenly dropped to the floor. His breathing was heavy and wheezing, from that Conrad knew the sniper had lied to him again about the filter and he took off Nika's gas mask, took a deep breath before putting his gas mask onto the sniper's face. He picked up the sniper and hoped that the stand wouldn't break underneath him while carrying the sniper. Conrad got onto the platform and felt it start crumbling under him, he got the sniper out of the hole with a little toss and once he tried to jump out of the hole- the stand broke and Conrad was hanging on the edge. He almost lost his breath but felt someone grab his wrists and pull him up, the sniper had gotten up and tried his best to help the gunner up. "Ah jesus- It worked but oh my god I see stars.." Nika huffed while trying to pull Conrad up and stay conscious. With few pulls the gunner was out of the hole and both men were huffing on the safe ground, the gas wasn't that light and for the moment it only filled the hole they both had been sitting in. Nika removed Conrad's gas mask off of his face and slammed it onto the gunner's chest. "The only thing I'm glad of is that I didn't have to give you CPR.." Conrad put his gas mask on and heard the sniper laugh exhausted; "I would've loved that. I hate your ass but in the end- I love your ass." It got the gunner to chuckle and warm up to the sniper even when he had a growing urge to kill him.

#metro oc #oc stuff #Yes yes-- I just love my dickish boy Nika and 24/7 angery man Conrad #but I'll have some for Ivan and Ulrich someday #My sleeping schedule is ruined by fics lmao but whatever.. I can still fix it!

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scribbles-by-kate · 6 years

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The evolution of Rumplestiltskin

Meta time! It’s been a while since I really did this, but the above named character has had quite the interesting journey, so I felt it was time to talk a little about that, given where we are in season seven.

Right, so, despite the very broad title, I’m not gonna talk about the entire journey Rumple’s been on, because that would be several posts and several thousand words, especially given how wordy I get, so I’m going to focus on two contrasting points in his journey, starting with this guy:

I’m not sure if I’ve ever said, but the Light One is my least favourite incarnation of Rumplestiltskin, by far. Now I’m not fond of season four Rumple at all, in general, but he at least has reasons for his behaviour, though they’re not very well articulated in the narrative, but that’s another post. This post is about the Light One and the real Light One.

The Light One from “Operation Mongoose” is my least favourite Rumple. Why? Because his hero status is not earned. Yes, he makes all the right noises about being a hero - ‘doing a good deed is its own reward’, defeating the ogre, saving Henry - at least until Isaac shows up and suggests to him that everything is not as it seems, and he is, in fact, a villain, and that to keep his happiness, and his hero status, he must kill the boy he just rescued. Then, of course, we see that you can take the villain out of his story, but you can’t take the darkness out of the villain, not that easily, at least.

And we’re supposed to dislike Light One Rumple. We’re supposed to find him cocky, arrogant, full of himself, even with Belle, initially, until he tries to tell her of his fears. And Robert Carlyle hams it up big time, playing the arrogant hero in a way that reminds me of David when he tells Abigail ‘None have my fearless bravery’. And this is not to bash David: I’m simply saying that the Prince Charming type often comes across as full of himself and over confident, often in a comedic way, or a way that makes us roll our eyes (however much of a sweetheart David is in actuality). Bobby has said Rumple wanted to be Prince Charming, so it’s not surprising that he plays a Prince Charming here, and it grates. It’s supposed to.

Of course, we’re aware that Rumple has been on borrowed time with his heart going ever darker, and we’re supposed to understand that he’s doing the best he can to try to neutralise the Darkness before it can take him over and erase the last trace of the man. If that happens, it’ll be ‘worse than [we] can possibly imagine’, so Rumple is trying to make the best of a bad situation…but in a selfish way. He goes about his plans in secret, aligns himself with villains, tricks his wife, and generally shows that he hasn’t learned a damn thing. He’s still trying to hold onto his power, work a loophole, and everyone ends up worse off in the Author’s world. That’s not all Rumple’s fault, but his actions show that he’s the Light One in name only: nothing is earned, and no lessons have really been learned.

Now, fast forward several decades. Exactly how many isn’t stated in canon, but we know that he and Belle had at least fifty years together, judging by her age, and my guess is somewhere around sixty and he’s been on his quest for the Guardian about ten years by the time we meet him in Hyperion Heights. So, it’s been approximately seventy years, give or take, since the Author’s AU. And this guy:

is more true Light One than the imposter above.

Why? Because he’s been on a quest to rid himself of the Darkness for decades. And not just rid himself of it, but ensure that no one else has to bear that burden again. After a lot of back and forth, he finally found the strength within himself to turn away from it, to start to do the right thing, and he’s stayed on that path, not only when he had the light and strength of Belle to help him, but, more importantly, when he didn’t. With Belle gone, he’s still stayed true to that goal.

And there’s the fact that he’s held the Darkness within him for decades without letting it control him. Even though we saw him all scaly again in 7.10, he wasn’t doing dark magic. He used it to produce a token to keep a family together, and to give Alice the talisman he believed would wake him up. It’s also been strongly hinted that the reason he’s scaly is because he did something selfless - ‘gave up’ something - for Alice, the daughter of his former enemy.

Merlin once suggested that there might one day be someone who could contain the Darkness and be strong enough to not let it burn through to darken his soul. Well, isn’t that what Rumple’s been doing all these years? Containing it? Keeping it safe? Not letting it darken him? He wasn’t lying when he told Emma in 5.11 that he’d put it somewhere safe. He did. When she was the Dark One, he promised to stop her, but I think he was really talking to the Darkness there. Ok, he did some questionable things when he took it back, but nothing that he couldn’t come back from, and, in the end, when faced with the Darkness and all its promises of love and power, he was strong enough to resist, and he’s been resisting it ever since.

And now, here we are. Rumple made a change and it stuck. It stuck even when he lost his guiding light: Belle. It stuck even a decade on, when he’s back under a curse. And the thing is, this time, though it’s not his curse, and he didn’t orchestrate its casting, he still has a goal he wants to achieve more than anything else, but, and it’s a big but, he’s not selling anyone else out to get what he wants.

Yes, he wants to be rid of the Darkness and go back to Belle, but not at anyone else’s expense. He let Anastasia go when it became apparent she was in danger. He wants to rid himself of the Darkness and be with Belle, but he won’t hurt anyone to do it. Even if it takes him a bit longer, he’s ok with that, because he knows that goodness is what will bring him closer to his goal - ‘every time I do good, it just brings me closer to her’. He doesn’t begrudge it when things don’t go his way: he’s more concerned with what’s right.

And aside from the business with the Guardian, he cares about people. In the past, it was pretty much Belle, Bae, Gideon, and, at times, Henry, that he cared about, maybe Regina too, if it didn’t conflict with whatever else was going on with him. I said before that one of the things we had to see this season with Rumple was for him to be totally selfless, by which I meant that he had to care about more than himself or his family. Well, we’re seeing it. He cares about Wish Hook, Alice, Lucy, Regina, Henry, even Zelena, because he was warning her too about the witch killer. He cared enough to threaten Facilier should he interfere with his ‘family’, and he didn’t mean Belle and Gideon because they’re not there: they’re safe from Facilier. He meant Regina, Henry, Ella, Lucy, and everyone else in that crazy extended family.

Most recently, we saw him have lovely banter with Rogers about something his wife used to say. We saw him amused about Tilly eating everything in her father’s fridge. We saw him reach out to Henry and advise him. He’s still Rumple, but he’s a Rumple who’s evolved. In “Beauty”, we saw that he’d built on the beginning he made in “The Final Battle”, but now we’re seeing him build on that. It wasn’t enough for Belle and Alice to say he’s a good man with a pure heart: we had to see it, and we are. He’s kind, he’s caring, he’s selfless, he’s doing good things. When he smiles now, it’s not cynical: it’s amused, encouraging, kind, proud, fond. He has evolved: he has grown. He’s become a better man, a hero, even, or as much as any imperfect person can be a hero (I’m still not that fond of the terms ‘hero’ and ‘villain’ for the characters on this show, because it’s not that black and white).

Of course, I don’t know what’s coming for the rest of the series. We’ll probably know more about what’s going on with Rumple specifically after “The Guardian” (so why didn’t I wait till then to write this? Because I didn’t want to ;p), but it wouldn’t surprise me, given the state of things now, if Rumple himself turned out to have the power within himself to put the Darkness to rest. Even if he doesn’t, if he’s not the Guardian himself, I think what we’ll see ultimately is a good man, who does the right thing, the noble thing, the heroic thing. I wouldn’t be surprised if we saw him ultimately sacrifice himself to save the others, because it’s the right thing to do.

I don’t expect it to be easy. I expect him to be tested. All the best redemption stories feature a test at the eleventh hour, and we’ve been told that Rumple will find it difficult not to retaliate. If he does manage to resist, where he never has before, it’ll be even more proof that he’s changed, that he’s good now. If he somehow comes to believe he can never get back to Belle (for whatever reason), and, instead of giving in to despair and darkness, he continues to do the right thing, then that’ll be further proof that he’s changed.

Rumple has come a long, long way from being the frightened spinner who took on a dark curse and got corrupted by it. His journey has felt like it’s been one step forward and ten steps back, often, but he’s finally arrived at a place where he’s becoming the best version of himself that Belle made him want to be. I, personally, love it, and I’m looking forward to seeing how it all ends on screen (because you know I’ll continue the story and write all the missing pieces :) I’ll be writing about Rumple and Belle for years!). Here for it. Bring it! :)

#ouat meta #rumplestiltskin #rumbelle #ouat speculation

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smokeybrand · 3 years

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Smokey brand Movie Reviews: Blunderland

I’ve been trying to watch Kate since it released on Netflix a few weeks back but there ha been just too much content available to check out. Brand New Cherry Flavor, the second season of Slime, Star Wars: Visions, the good Netflix He-Man, and that’s not counting older stuff like running back through the James Bond franchise and Matrix franchises. Suffice it to say, Kate gt lost in the shuffle. The thing is, i actually like Mary Elizabeth Winstead. She’s in some of my all-time favorite films. 10 Cloverfield Lane, Scott Pilgrim, and Sky High are absolutely incredible films and she has a substantial role in all of them. What she’s never really had is a star turning vehicle for herself. Kate attempts to provide that but, so soon after Gunpowder Milkshake, is it too much too fast?

The Good

The first thing i noticed is how visceral the physicality is in this movie. You feel the impact of these fights. You see the wear on MEW as the film progresses. It’s not as intense as John Wick but it’s definitely there and arguably the best thing about this movie.

Speaking of the physicality, i have to give a proper nod to the actual fight choreography. These are solid examples of pretty satisfying donnybrooks. I didn’t expect such ambition fisticuffs out of a full Netflix production but, for the budget and style of this movie, they were very well executed.

Speaking of style, the look of this film is very vibrant. Neon drench grime and vibrant urban decay is kind of my sh*t, I'm a sucker for all thing cyberpunk, so i really dig the looks of this film. It’s not a cyberpunk by any means so don’t expect those themes but it does nail the look.

the camera work in this thing is pretty good. Absolutely breathtaking panorama shots as times, great used of how the camera moves, solid choices in imbuing life with shot framing. You can tell there was definitely a vision here and the director, Cedric Nicolas-Troyan, really goes a long way to delivering those ideas. Dude is no James Wan behind that viewfinder, mind you, but he does a good job.

Mary Elizabeth Winstead is pretty good in the title role. This is definitely her film. MEW does everything to sell her character and, for the most part, it works. There are times when she’s monstrous, times when she’s incredibly vulnerable, and you’re never at a loss believing her performance. The actual content kind of let’s her down though and we’ll get to that in a second.

The Meh

The plot to this film is corny. It’s a sub-genre on it’s own now, the femme fatale/AWOL Female Secret Agent and you an only do so much with that. Sometimes, you end to get creative around the narrative but Kate really doesn’t do that. This is Gunpowder Milkshake but with a “tragic” ending.

That writing i talked about earlier is aggressively derivative. This whole movie is basically just Leon the Professional but worse. The f*cker even has an “Everything!!” moment and , as you can imagine, it underwhelmed. That’s the writing in a nutshell: Underwhelming.

The pacing is a little sus. There’s a lot of fat on this rind that needs to be trimmed and you feel it. Kate is almost to hours long and this narrative does not need that breathing room at all. I keep coming back to the John Wick films because they are the benchmark now. The first John Wick is comparable in run time and there are no lulls. That thing moves, getting you from set piece to set piece. Hate doesn’t do that. It wants to be a more character driven, introspective, outing but the writing isn’t there which makes the film uneven as f*ck.

Woody Harrelson is in this flick playing Kate’s handler and primary antagonist, but you wouldn’t know it. That’s actually a big problem as he’s the name of this movie. Of course, this is MEW’s film, it lives and dies by her,but Woody is what sells it. Dude is a massive star and currently at the forefront of the cultural zeitgeist because of the new Venom flick. You’d think he’s play more than a passive riles in this one if you cast him in such a pivotal role. What we did get is, of course, excellent, but it’s more a bite than a meal.

Kind of in the same vein, the main supporting character and catalyst for the films entire conflict, Ani, is forgettable. Portrayed by Miku Martineau with a decent amount of skill, the character, herself, is paper thin. She has a much presence in the plot as a ghost fart. It’s weird because she’s in a lot of scenes but it definitely doesn’t feel like that at all.

The Bad

The plot is mad derivative. It’s like the bare bones template for this kind of film. I’ve already sighted a few examples of other movies in the genre. It’s only bad if this is a genre you actually enjoy, like me. Some of my favorite movies are in this sub-genre and seeing it done so xerox-y is a frustration.

Some of these effects are outright broken. There’s a car chase scene that’s straight up PS2 cutscene levels of jank. You can tell Netflix opted not to put up more lot for the budget with that one scene. They’re not ready for the big leagues if they can shoot that scene practically. What the f*ck is even the pint of that studio out in New Mexico is you can wreck cars on the backlot?

After seeing that crash, i immediately understood that Nate didn’t go far enough with its aesthetic. It’s so f*cking jarring how out of place this one scene is compared to the rest of the film. Like, if all of it looked like that, i think it would have been a much better viewing experience. That stylized nature could have distracted from all of the pitfalls within the narrative. Or, it could have gone the other way and stuck to a more gritty, more realistic take on the narrative and had the same results. Kate chose to try and split the difference, suffering for it.

The Verdict

Kate isn’t bad. Not good by any means but not terrible. This movie really could have been something special. This thing, one hundred percent, feels like a Huntress solo attempt, but it didn’t go far enough. I liked some of the visuals and MEW was good in it. Her material was sh*t and a few of the effects were REAL jank, but the fight scenes and neon drenched sets kind of make up for that. This felt like Cyberpunk Noir and we all know i have an unrelenting boner for all things Cyberpunk, so i might be giving this thing more credit than it deserves. Ultimately, this is nothing burger of a film. It's derivative, forgettable, action fun. You've seen this movie done before and done much, much, better. Atomic Blonde, The Long kiss Goodnight, and La Femme Nikita immediately come to mind. I didn't hate my time with Kate but i won't be spending anymore on it. I can see this being a pretty special franchise if Netflix fronts more money but I'm not holding my breath.

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thesinglesjukebox · 6 years

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KACEY MUSGRAVES - HIGH HORSE [7.38] You can take your high... scorse... and ride them straight... onto the sidebar, Kacey.

Lauren Gilbert: I am a connoisseur of song intros. Long before I wrote for TSJ, or any publication, I had lists of my favorite intros, playlists of just the first 30 seconds clipped out of context. (Needless to say, my ringtone game has always been on point.) This is a fucking excellent intro. The pulsing beat, the disco feel, the Shania Twain "oh, I bet you think you're John Wayne" - the intro is a solid [12]. The rest of the song is probably an [8] - despite being only 3:33, it feels like it runs out of ideas by the bridge - but this still averages to a solid [10]. [10]

Jonathan Bradley: "High Horse" is about as disco as Kylie Minogue's "Dancing" was country: that is conscientiously and carefully, without threatening to intrude too far upon unfamiliar cultural spaces. Instead each settles on a kind of naff AM-radio appeal that as easily positions it alongside "Islands in the Stream" as it does "September" or even "Copacabana." But where Minogue's song stirs nostalgia, the faded polyester drift of Musgraves's more Western sound fits her lyric's exhausted contempt. The opening line -- "I bet you think you're John Wayne" -- is sass worthy of Shania, but Kacey's disaffection crystallizes in her more arch dismissal: "You're classic in the wrong way." The hand claps, popping bass, and very canned strings underline the point. [8]

Alfred Soto: The question isn't whether Musgraves should record a Kylie-dusted cut like "High Horse"; it's whether the cut is better than middling at best beside Brandy Clark's unskinny bop fryin' up some girl's bacon in 2016. [6]

Joshua Copperman: I have qualms with "High Horse" that are more personal preference than genuine criticisms (I would love a more dynamic arrangement, for example), but I feel too late. Like "Run Away With Me" or "Praying," the place of "High Horse" in the modern pop canon was secured upon arrival. Musgraves sets up and lands every punchline, no matter how corny ("I bet you think you're first place/someone should give you a ribbon") or vague ("everyone knows someone who knows someone/Who thinks they're cooler than everybody else"). The song could literally consist of "I bet someone's got a bad case of the Mondays" repeated but Musgraves would still make it work. That the delivery is as good as it is separates Musgraves from both her country peers and her should-be pop contemporaries. With its meticulous craftsmanship and unapologetic twang, "High Horse" is great not despite being country, but because of how it stays true to the storytelling of classic country music while forging its own path. [8]

Abdullah Siddiqui: Fun, but vacant. Musgraves sounds unconvinced of her own pandering. And also, why is it considered innovation now, within a genre, to make things pinker and shinier? There was a kind of delicate grit to tracks like "Blowin' Smoke" and "Merry Go 'Round" that was genuinely interesting but she seems to have completely abandoned that. It's a little depressing to think how mainstream concessions are no longer just inevitable in the course of a musical career, but lauded as innovative. [4]

Ryo Miyauchi: Kacey's usual passive handling of conflict makes me wish this went a little harder on the personal with a more explicit hint that this may have actually been a diss at someone real. But the lyrical decorations from the Shania Twain-channeling opening line to that chorus full of silly twists to cowboy cliches forgive the lack at which she sinks her teeth. Oh, and the disco strut works wonders as well. [7]

Ian Mathers: Fun but slightly anemic-feeling pop country/lite disco hybrid seeks slightly more compelling chorus... the current one has a moment where it seems like it's about to lift off, but then it never does. Sometimes songs like this reveal with repeated listens that you've been tricked and in fact the gentler approach is key to the song; with "High Horse," as winning as it otherwise is, that just never happened for me. [6]

Stephen Eisermann: In my childish mind, this song is a big middle finger to everyone's least favorite country music critic/villain: the one who decides what real country music is and is trying so hard to save it (from bold women, it often feels like). This disco-flavored, pop-country track has all the makings of an anthem, but is delivered with such chilliness that rather than chant along, you can't help but let Kacey take the center stage to deliver each biting line with as much pettiness as possible. It's delicious, but also impressive - who thought that one of country's most recent rising stars could foray into pop so easily? [8]

Katherine St Asaph: Whenever country or country-leaning artists are poised to cross over, there's a certain tension, as they try (or don't) to reconcile the genre's Southern-libertarian values with mainstream pop culture. Comparisons to "That Don't Impress Me Much" are inevitable and probably intentional, but "get off your high horse," as an idiom, isn't about ego but moralizing. And buried in the guts of "High Horse" is the trope of the elitist carpetbagger from out of town who looks down upon the regular everyfolks -- a trope with, to put it mildly, baggage. (Also a trope where pointing it out is liable to get you branded one of them.) But it's left unexplored, subtext beneath a lyric of generalities; there's nothing as cartoonish as "I can't believe you kiss your car goodnight," but also nothing as vicious. Same goes for the lite-disco arrangement. [6]

Edward Okulicz: It's kind of a pity this song has to be disco to get the attention, because it's a neat little pop song to begin with, and the way it's been performed doesn't put that cleverness front and centre. It's fine as it is, but it could stand to be more full-blooded in its trip to the nightclub. It's got the whole Shania Twain going on meets the Alanis Morissette of not quite understanding the word that's the linchpin of your chorus, and that is viral paydirt, but you know Shania wouldn't have been so polite. The banjo line at the end reminds me of a song this should also sound more like: Basement Jaxx's "Take Me Back to Your House" which came at the country/dance combo from the other end, and works better on both counts. The icy but dreamy vocal performance of "High Horse" says Musgraves is not slumming it for laughs in the genre, but it's still not too late to commission the appropriate remix to prove it (the Kue remix is close, but not quite). [8]

Josh Love: If you stare at the lyrics too long, the sense of "High Horse" starts to go a little wobbly. Where I'm from, people who are on their high horse are usually thought to be acting holier-than-thou, like moral scolds, and are therefore rarely concerned with seeming like "they're cooler than everybody else." It's doubly fortunate then that this song's real selling point is how sleek and effortless it sounds. Maybe the words don't altogether scan, but as a piece of popcraft "High Horse" is assembled seamlessly. [7]

Jacob Sujin Kuppermann: A pure symbiosis of music and lyrics -- this fully commits to the disco-by-way-of-country aesthetic, which allows Musgraves' portrait of arrogance to turn from just another riff on "You're So Vain" to an instant camp classic. It helps that this is deeply fun, from the "giddy-up"'s of the chorus to the guitar and banjo parts, which skitter across the track with such precise glee that it almost made me think that someone should make more country & disco records. [9]

Alex Clifton: I've tried writing a more coherent review, but I'm struggling because I love this so much. So: it's everything I've ever wanted as a queer person who lives in the south who loves both disco and country! Kacey sounds amazing! I wanna karaoke this and point at random people in the crowd and tell them off for being snobs! I wanna rent a truck and blast this up and down the road! I wanna rent a truck and take this to the White House and blare it there, too! I want every song that comes out this year to make me feel as jazzed about being alive as "High Horse" does, and I won't settle for anything less! [9]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox ]

#kacey musgraves #music #new music #music video #country #country music #music writing #music reviews

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this-sapphic-paradise · 6 years

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Supergirl Season 1-3x05 analysis

I just want to start this off by saying that this analysis is being made by someone who just started studying screenwriting/storytelling, so in no way is this meant to be without flaws, and I welcome everyone to discuss the points being made, giving your own opinions and points of view.

And BIG thank you to @lena-lipbite-luthor for making the gifs for me!

Okay, so let’s start at the beginning, shall we? Let’s take a look at season 1.

During the first season of Supergirl, Kara had 3 close friends: Alex, Winn, and James. Their purpose on the show was to push Kara toward her ultimate goal, which was becoming a hero on her own. That doesn’t mean they were always in agreement; sometimes conflict and friction between characters are better to propel the protagonist, than nice encouraging words.

Kara also had 2 mentors: Cat Grant and J’onn – maybe three if we consider the fact that Alex also helped train her. Cat was important to both Kara and Supergirl, helping her see more clearly what kind of hero she wanted to be; while J’onn helped train Kara physically, teaching her to be a more responsible hero and a better agent.

We also had Lord, Astra, and Non as the season’s villains. Each of them, in their own way, helped shape Kara into a better hero, forcing her to make tough choices and sever some of the links she had with Krypton.

The season wasn’t perfect, it had its holes, like after Kara is healed from Red Kryptonite poisoning, and Alex says they need to work on their issues, but we never see that happening. But all in all, the season (and the protagonist) had a main goal: Kara had to learn to be a hero on her own.

Then comes season 2...

Can anyone tell me what Kara wanted, what was her desire on season two? …besides being a reporter and dating Mon-El, that is…

Because while wanting to be a reporter is not a bad thing on itself, it’s merely Kara Danvers’s desire, something that she got to do, and something that wasn’t the focus of the show.

And wanting to date Mon-El wouldn’t have been bad on its own if in order to get these characters together, the writers didn’t have to “deconstruct” Kara’s character. A quick and simple example of this is how throughout season 1, we were told again and again how important it is for Kara to maintain an equilibrium between Kara Danvers and Supergirl, and yet on season 2, we had that scene of Kara telling Mon-El that being Supergirl and having him was enough for her. When storytellers start to break the internal logic of their own fictional world, that’s when their story starts to fall apart. Robert McKee writes in his book Story:

Consciously and unconsciously, [the audience] wants to know your “laws,” to learn how and why things happen in your specific world. … For once the audience grasps the laws of your reality, it feels violated if you break them and rejects your work as illogical and unconvincing.

That’s why it’s so important for us, the viewers, to understand why characters make the decisions they make, and why it has to make sense within the context and reality of the show’s universe.

Now you must be curious as to why Kara having a bigger desire or goal is so important, and to explain that, I’m going to borrow the words of John Truby:

In the dramatic code, change is fueled by desire. The “story world” doesn’t boil down to “I think, therefore I am” but rather “I want, therefore I am.” Desire in all its facets is what makes the world go around. It is what propels all conscious, living things and gives them direction. A story tracks what a person wants, what he’ll do to get it, and what costs he’ll have to pay along the way.

Once a character has a desire, the story “walks” on two “legs”: acting and learning. A character pursuing a desire takes actions to get what he wants, and he learns new information about better ways to get it. Whenever he learns new information, he makes a decision and changes his course of action.

So you see, Kara must have a desire because that’s what turns her into an active protagonist; that’s what insures an attention-grabbing story line, making the audience go on a journey of (self-)discovery and learning with the protagonist, cheering her on and hoping she’ll achieve her goal. One of the main complaints I’ve seen floating around tumblr is how Kara has been bleak and uninteresting, and I’m afraid that’s the reason why: without a desire, Kara has no drive, becoming a passive character who mostly reacts instead of acting, and in turn the audience has little interest in investing their time and emotion on her.

The only two characters on season 2 who have any sort of true desire (in my opinion) are Alex and Lena.

Now you might say, “but Alex only wanted to be with Maggie! How is that different from Kara and Mon-El??” And to that I reply, the difference is that Maggie and Alex’s relationship is a result of Alex’s true desire: her need to be true to herself/to be comfortable in her own skin.

Alex’s journey through season 2 isn’t the story of how “she got the girl”, Alex’s story arc is her journey to finding happiness (and that she is deserving of that happiness).

Lena’s desire has been crystal clear since her first scene on the show: she wants to make L-Corp a force for good while simultaneously proving that she’s not like the rest of her family. Every single action she’s taken since that very first episode up to episode 05 of season 3 has been to try and make that desire come true, and that’s why Lena has been the most compelling character of the show lately.

To further argue that idea, Lena is the only character on the show whose actions cause consequences to her and others. Every major decision has equally major repercussions: she testified against Lillian, Lillian framed her for a crime she did not commit; she trusted Rhea, the invasion took place; Lena bought CatCo, now Morgan Edge wants to destroy her; Lena found a way to stop the Daxamite, she was accused of poisoning kids even though it wasn’t actually her fault.

Those events take the audience through a roller coaster of emotions with Lena, we experience those consequences with her, and by going through those struggles, Lena grows and changes as person. Watching that change occur, according to John Truby, is what gives the audience the deepest satisfaction, and it doesn’t matter if the change is positive or negative.

Now, the last point I want to make is about the supporting characters that have all but disappeared on season 2 and continue to be missing on season 3.

J’onn, James, and Winn have had a story line here and there, but their characters have come to a complete stop in terms of development. None of them have any goal they wish to achieve, none are of significant value to the season’s overall plot, they’ve stopped pushing Kara to be her best, and if they were to literally disappear from the show tomorrow, they would leave as the exact same people they started season 2 as (unlike Maggie who, even though had very limited time to develop, leaves the show a stronger person than when she first appeared). J’onn, James, and Winn haven’t grown as characters, and the writers are not giving them any chance to.

Starting on season 2, the writers isolated Kara by making her main focus her relationship with Mon-El. Again, having a relationship isn’t the problem (we have Sanvers to illustrate that), but when it’s the only focus of a character whose show is based on her wish to make a difference in the world, it goes back to the issue of making it look illogical and unconvincing.

Besides, by isolating (or limiting) Kara’s interaction with the rest of the characters, the writers have unmistakably dimmed the light of each of them, making each character look shallow and bleak in comparison to who they were on season one and who they had the potential to be.

To quote John Truby once more:

The single biggest mistake writers make when creating characters is that they think of the hero and all other characters as separate individuals. Their hero is alone, in a vacuum, unconnected to others. The result is not only a weak hero but also cardboard opponents and minor characters who are even weaker.

The most important step in creating your hero, as well as all other characters, is to connect and compare each to the others.

And most importantly:

Each time you compare a character to your hero, you force yourself to distinguish the hero in new ways. You start to see the secondary characters as complete human beings, as complex and as valuable as your hero.

This is Writing 101 apparently, guys. If I know this, professional screenwriters must know this as well, and I just can’t understand why they aren’t practicing it.

For the sake of the show we love, we desperately need to writers to keep that last piece of advice in mind.

Season three has me a little optimistic on that front: they have Kara and Alex having more scenes together again, and they are creating a good dynamic between Kara/Lena/Sam, my only concern with that is their intention behind it; I’m afraid they are only bringing the three of them together to cause a bigger and more “devastating” effect when Sam turns into Reign. Shock value for shock value is poor storytelling.

Speaking of poor storytelling and going back to things that must be basic knowledge for professional storytellers, I doubt I was the only one who felt the scene in Kara’s apartment with Lena, Sam, Alex, and Maggie was a little off, right? At first, I was bothered because they were only talking about men, then I thought it was just a weird a scene, but after the episode was done and I was able to take a step back, I realized why the scene was “needed”.

First of all, I believe they wanted to do a bit of fan-service by putting all of them together. But that’s not why the story “needed” the scene, that’s just how they chose to execute it. The writers needed the scene for exposition; they wanted Sam to learn Kara is healing from a “break up”, they wanted the sisters, Maggie, and the audience to know Ruby’s father is not in the picture; they wanted the other characters to learn Alex and Maggie had agreed to not have kids, and they wanted someone to touch on the theme of the episode – which was religion – and that befell on Lena, prompting her to tell that awkward story about the guy who wouldn’t sleep with her.

And here my frustration grows exponentially, because if I can buy a book on Amazon (Story, by Robert McKee), and learn this:

Why then is the scene in the story? The answer is almost certain to be “exposition.” It’s there to convey information about characters, world, or history to the eavesdropping audience. If exposition is a scene’s sole justification, a disciplined writer will trash it and weave its information into the film elsewhere.

Then the CW writers most certainly already know it as well, and there are only two possible reasons why that scene still made into the script: 1) some big-shot executive forced it to exist, or 2) the writers are that lazy/bad.

With all the “mistreated” characters (J’onn, James, Winn, M’gann, etc.), the forgotten story lines (Jeremiah, CADMUS, etc.), and all around bad writing and characterization, I feel like the show greatly underestimates its audience’s intelligence, and it just goes to show that the Supergirl writers, producers, and show-runners have forgotten one of the most important rules of storytelling:

“Story is about RESPECT, not disdain, for the audience.”

I truly hope the writers will find their LOVE for storytelling once more, because I know Supergirl means a lot to a great number of people, myself included, and there’s nothing we would like more than to sit back and enjoy the show again.

#rafa talks #supergirl meta #supergirl #kara danvers #lena luthor #alex danvers

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septembercfawkes · 6 years

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Inconceivable! Dealing with Problems of Unbelievability

There are a lot of things that can go wrong in a story, and I've found that perhaps some of the worst feedback to give and receive is that of unbelievability. There is a kind of stinging and feeling of foolishness that comes with the criticism. I've had it, and I've given it--multiple times each. Most often, this criticism is given to new writers. Now when I say believeablitiy, I'm not saying your stories can't have any dragons or magic or advanced technology. Stranger Things Season 2 recently came out, and I've heard people complaining that KFC wasn't actually called KFC in 1984, or that no one had side parts until later years. Isn't it funny that we have no problems "believing" that there is a parallel world where monsters live and that a young girl can have psychokinetic abilities, but people can't believe that a character has a side part? What a funny life we live in our entertainment. If you've been told that something in your story is unbelievable, there could be a few different reasons as to why. It might simply be that what you put in the story couldn't actually happen in the real world--if you are dealing with a real world setting. Or it could be because the mechanics of fiction is different than our reality. Here are the different reasons and routes unbelievable content manifests itself in fiction. The Truth is Stranger Than Fiction

I recently read an article about a woman who got pregnant a second time, when she was already pregnant. It's weird right? That's not how nature works. However, this woman had a rare condition that allowed this to happen. Now, you can say this is a true story, because it is. But if you try to put this into your story, without proper explanation, or when you already have a lot of other unusual things happening in your story, it will probably ring false. Critics will say, "But what are the chances of that?" This is because fiction works off rules of probability, not what actually happened. The less probable something is, the more likely your audience will be skeptical. It's even worse if you stack up multiple improbabilities into one piece. This is one of the reasons you may hear about the "one impossibility rule," which is the idea that audiences can only believe in one impossibility per book. Of course, there are ways to break this rule, and it is broken in many works, but generally speaking: one impossibility. And this works off the suspension of disbelief that audiences come to a story with, which is a topic all its own. There are a few tricks to getting around the probability issue. One is validating the audience's skepticism, but it has to be done with care and not overused. Otherwise, it will still ring false. But almost always, Probability > Reality Tension is More than Conflict and Spectacle

Another avenue unbelievability takes to get in, is through conflict and spectacle. This usually happens when the writer is trying hard to make the story "really good" by making it intense, skyscraping stakes, and putting in massive hooks. The story may start fine, but suddenly, conflicts are going crazy, and the writer is throwing in intense scenarios that don't actually fit the story or aren't portrayed with real-life consequences. For example, you might feel that your romance story is getting a bit boring for the audience, so you throw in a serial killer. The protagonist knows about the serial killer, but has no problem walking home alone after midnight, or she encounters the serial killer, but decides (for no legitimate reason) not to contact the police, because that's not the direction, you, the writer, want to take the story. Or maybe your character gets accused of murdering someone (because crazy conflict is good, right?), but that's not actually what you want the story to be about, so you don't flesh that part out, and eventually get back to the main storyline. These sorts of things happen because the writer thinks the crazier the conflict, the better. They might be afraid their story is too boring, and so they are trying to liven it up for the audience. What they don't realize is that tension is what keeps the reader reading, far more than conflict. Tension doesn't necessarily need outlandish conflict. It doesn't need a spectacle to be interesting. Tension can happen in a conversation between a father and daughter. It can be present when a protagonist is deciding who to invite to a concert when she only has four tickets and six friends. Tension can be there in a job interview, where the characters are trying to appear cool and collected and professional, but inside are not. Tension > Conflict You don't need to throw in crazy conflicts to make your story interesting. You just need to learn how to take advantage of tension. Now, if you want to throw in crazy conflicts, fine, but the consequences, facets, and ramifications of such things must be spoken to, to be realistic. Some things you just cannot turn a blind eye to. And don't forget to incorporate the probability aspect. You can read more about tension vs. conflict here. Writing What You Don't Know

Sometimes something is unbelievable just because the writer didn't do their research. For example, if you were writing about the Mormon church at a part in your story, and you told me that Mormons worship Joseph Smith and have a golden Bible, as a Mormon, I'm going to giggle. Look, the research part of writing is perhaps my least favorite part of writing (others say it's their favorite), so I understand that it can be annoying, especially when you just want to write the story. But sometimes you've got to do the research. And honestly, research has never been easier to do than it is to do today. You can find much of what you need online or in books. If you can't find that, you can find knowledgeable people to talk to or ask. Try not to feel stupid about asking questions. Most people you will talk to will probably want to tell you more than you want to know. And of course, make sure you are choosing reliable sources to get your information. The other facet of this problem is inexperience, and in some ways, I feel that inexperience is its own topic.

Maybe you want to write about what it's like being a Chinese woman in the West, but you are a Caucasian teenage boy in a small town in the South. Maybe you want to write about an astronaut on Mars, but the furthest you got into your science career was high school chemistry and biology. Maybe you want to write a story about how a Christian helped convert an atheist--but you've never spent sincere time speaking with atheists about their genuine perspective and end up writing a two-dimensional caricature that turns a blind eye to the intricacies and complexities of the argument, "Is there a God?" Really, inexperience can crop up in any number of things. All of us are inexperienced in some way. Does that mean you should only write about what you have lived? Of course not. That's ridiculous. You think everyone who has written a female character has been a female? Do you think only straight actors portray straight character? We're writers--we are imagining things we haven't lived all the time. It's likely we'll all write something wrong from our inexperience at some point. In some situations, you can go out and gain the experience you need. If you've never been to the beach, maybe you can go to the beach. But if you've never been a Chinese woman, then maybe you need to speak and spend some time with one. And don't do anything stupid that compromises your moral standards just to gain firsthand experience. Even if we don't have personal experience of something, we can sometimes draw from past experiences that may be similar or relate to said experience, and go from there. In some cases, for very specific set-ups or information, we can bluff it as writers, but it takes practice to make such bluffs believable. If you have access to someone who may have experience with whatever you are writing, you can ask them to read over your passage. Convenient Human Behavior

One area in particular that audiences don't have a lot of patience for when it come to unbelievability, is human behavior. We will read about aliens and superheroes and not blink an eye, but when a character doesn't act human (or within the realms of whatever species he is, if you are writing speculative fiction), we won't believe it. In some beginners' stories, it may manifest itself in characters not having logical or probable reactions to certain things. For example, if your protagonist's child dies unexpectedly, and then the next scene shows us the protagonist still moving forward preparing a holiday party with no sign of grief or distress, the audience is going to be skeptical (unless your protagonist is villainous and was the one who killed the child). This sort of problem usually relates to the tension/conflict problem. The writer throws something big into the story to make it more interesting, but then doesn't want to actually include the ramification of such a thing, so out of convenience, they continue the story without showing the character grieving. It's convenient human (or "inhuman") behavior. Other times this happens because the writer simply doesn't know how to write a character who is in that particular emotional state. In my example, the writer may not know how to write a parent grieving for a child, and so, they don't. They continue on with the rest of the story. In that way, this problem can relate to the research and inexperience section too. In some cases, it's not so much about a character not acting logically human as it is a character acting out of character--out of the boundaries the writer has already set. If your protagonist is a huge pacifist that believes in the sanctity of all human life and then goes and shoots an innocent bystander, without explanation or development, the audience isn't going to buy that. Maybe it was convenient for the plot, but it doesn't fit the character. In general, problems in this area stem from the above three sections. However, unbelievability in human behavior can be so damning and so common, that I've put it as its own section. Now go forth and write believable fiction!

#writing #writer #writing tip #writing tips #author #writing tips and tricks #writing advice #writing help #writing helps #writing reference #writing lesson #nanowrimo #writeblr #writbler #writerblr #fanfic #fanfiction #editing

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lj-writes · 6 years

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Thoughts on The Get Down Part 2

This show is definitely NOT afraid to shake things up create seismic change, is it? I love it!! No pussyfooting around here, TGD actually goes there with the consequences. The rest under the cut for spoilers.

- And here I thought, was hoping in fact, that Boo-Boo’s drug dealing was the one plot point that was going to end without consequence and hoo boy... I thought, didn’t I. They sure showed me.

One interesting thing about Cadillac is that, evil as he is, he's a genuine believer in disco and its culture. It isn’t a combination I’ve often seen, the overlap of murderous crime lord and fanatic for his art. Both sides are genuine aspects of his character, making for a complex and layered characterization.

- After seeing the Season 1 finale (I refuse to call it the show finale, okay?) I can see that this was actually a conflict within the character, the part that wanted to break free.

- I am naming “You find something melodic about this situation?/The whole thing’s off-key to me” the best villainous exchange of all time.

Who would have thought the character crossing their Rubicon would be Lydia even more than Mylene? If I had any doubts about Ramon being an abusive piece of shit (I didn’t), his violence toward his wife and daughter sealed it. I mean, when people think of abuse they usually think of violence, but that’s not always true. A lot of abusers use violence as a last resort, when they feel their control slipping.

On a related note, I love that this show doesn’t shrink back from the complexities of freedom--criminality, objectification, commercialization, drugs, it’s all presented without sanitization. The Get Down Brothers and the Soul Madonnas each fought in their own ways to be free without selling out, to succeed without compromising who they were as people.

- I squealed when, backstage at the Ruby Con, Zeke gave Mylene pretty much the exact speech she game him in Part 1--that he could not be with her if she did not fight for her ambitions, that he loved her too much to watch her give up on herself. These two support each other and hold each other up so much, my heart melts every time I see them together.

- Some, of course, didn’t make it out. It was gutwrenching when Shaolin, who convinced Cadillac to break free by confronting his own history of abuse at Annie’s hands, himself ultimately went back to Annie to save his friends. This, when we already knew how he was affected by the abuse in the way his rage at Annie found its outlet in violence... just... no words.

- They were missing part of the footage in Mr. Books’s show, all right? They didn’t get to the part where the lights shone on the other side of the stage and there was Shao behind his turntable. I refuse to believe otherwise.

I think Jackie’s learned something about himself and his creative process from writing “Set Me Free.” Creative isolation is out, big, communal, spiritual party is in. It also looks like he’s kicked his addiction, or at least cut down/switched to less hard drugs? It may be amusing to think of the assortment of drag queens and musicians holed up in his hotel room as his church, but I think it serves pretty much the same function as Jackie himself told Ramon.

Papa Fuerte’s fall was an understated epic. He was used, betrayed, and discarded, a visionary whose ambition came smack up against capitalistic greed and systematic racism. He has a lot to say, indeed. He is called a criminal but I understand him more as a big man, a leader who takes responsibility for his constituents and allocates resources. Look at the way he provided for the community when the blackout happened. A lot of criminality in underserved areas can be understood as filling the void left by governments, I think.

Hearing the man moan like a wounded wolf at the sight of Lydia’s wounds may have been one of the most emotional moments of the show for me. The good-bye in her kitchen, her telling him she loved him, it was so heartrending and perfect.

- So like was anyone surprised at Mylene’s parentage reveal? ...Anyone? No hands, I see. It was obvious from the moment her mother’s relationship with Papa Fuerte was shown and should have been obvious sooner, she really is a mix of them.

- I remember wondering more than once what the attraction to Ramon was and why Lydia couldn’t have been with the guy she loved in the first place. Ramon probably convinced her that she was a sinner who needed him to save her, and he can be very charming when things are going his way, i.e. when she was suitably submissive. The stability he represented, emotionally and socially if not financially, may have been a draw, too. And of course, if she was already committed to Ramon before she met his hot brother that would have presented impossibilities of its own.

- It was probably for the best anyway, she would have been put through unimaginably more shit as Papa Fuerte’s wife rather than his sister-in-law. Maybe that’s why he didn’t press the issue, he knew this would happen sooner or later.

- This is terrible of me but “pillaged my nest” may be the hottest euphemism for cheating I have heard.

Ra-Ra is autistic, right? I mean, I thought so from Part 1 but it became even clearer in Part 2. Watched Star Wars 57 times? (And I thought my watching Crimson Tide 17 times was a lot...) Finds it easier to explain concepts through pop culture? Talking sounds stilted, as though he’s taking the wording from books and movies which he’s all but memorized as references? Like, it’s so obvious. I’m pretty sure Dizzee is on the spectrum too.

I wish we’d seen more of the Zulu Queens because we did not see nearly enough female MCs and b-girls. I wish there was more of everything from this show, basically.

#the get down #so many thoughts #that's all i can think of for now may add more #review #meta #basically i'm a mess right now

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terramythos · 7 years

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Review: The Prestige by Christopher Priest

Genre/Tags: Science Fiction, Fantasy, Split Narrative, Unreliable Narrator, Memoir, Journal, Stage Magic, Historical Fiction, Horror

Warning(s): Child death, miscarriage (unrelated), suicidal ideation, self-harm

My Rating: 3/5 (Somewhat Recommended)

**Minor Spoilers Follow** (Unusually long review!)

“I step forward to the footlights, and in the full glare of their light face you directly.

I say ‘Look at my hands. There is nothing concealed within them.’

I hold them up, raising my palms for you to see, spreading my fingers so as to prove nothing is gripped secretly between them. I now perform my last trick, and produce a bunch of faded paper flowers from the hands you know to be empty.” -Alfred Borden

An Aside: The film The Prestige (dir. Christopher Nolan) was based off of this book! The movie is honestly one of my favorites ever and certainly my favorite Nolan film; it’s a concise and harrowing tale of obsession and revenge and how it consumes the two main characters, all wrapped together with a strong cast, interesting twists, and a good nonstandard setting. Definitely my kind of story.

Obviously it’s impossible not to compare the two, and I know some of that will come across in my review. That being said, I strongly believe that adaptations are different for a reason and should be judged on their own merits, so my base review will only cover the book and my impressions of it. You can probably tell, however, that I preferred the film purely from the rating. I will write more about how the two compare near the end. This review is a bit longer than usual for it.

My Summary: An investigative journalist named Andrew, adopted at a young age, is sent to research a local cult holed up in an abandoned estate owned by the Angier family. In doing so, he meets a woman named Kate Angier, who recognizes him from childhood. It turns out their ancestors, Rupert Angier and Alfred Borden, were two feuding stage magicians in the late 1800s, and the bad blood between the two families has spilled out into modern times. While Andrew doesn’t particularly care about the family that abandoned him, he gets the sense that his long-lost twin is calling out to him from somewhere and compelling him to stay, and he learns the history of the feud.

From there the narrative shifts to a memoir by Alfred Borden which exposits notable facts of his life, including what got him into stage magic and an immense secret which influences everything he does, including how he pulls off his most famous trick, The Transported Man. He also documents an ongoing rivalry between himself and fellow magician Rupert Angier, and the latter’s constant attempts to one-up him, leading to a climactic and uneasy final encounter between the two, with supernatural elements to it.

An interlude narrated by Kate comes in the middle which reveals an Uncomfortable Detail about her childhood and connection to Andrew. Some supernatural stuff is implied. Then, the story shifts to a narrative from the point of view of Rupert Angier, this time in the form of a journal. Similar to the first half, it goes over Rupert’s life and history, and the circumstances the rivalry between him and Alfred. It documents his attempts to surpass The Transported Man, a trick he obsesses over. It is also noteworthy in that mutual scenes between the two are not the same, implying unreliable narration on part of one or both men. Their rivalry eventually comes to a head.

The Good:

Features a strong voice. It felt like both halves of the story were solidly rooted in their time period and I never felt “taken out” by the phrasing and language of the two protagonists. It ultimately felt interesting to read.

Parallels between the two halves of the story are interesting and satisfying when they occur. It was interesting to flip back and forth between certain scenes and see what was different between them, and try to piece together who was telling the truth. I haven’t run into many books that do that.

The story is obviously well-researched; Priest has a working knowledge of stage magic and the general economic climate of late-1800s London (and, to my surprise, Colorado history, which I’m familiar with). When the characters describe their acts, it has a lot of depth which makes them come across as convincing professionals.

The core concept itself is really quite interesting; it’s an odd conflict and time period to pick, but it pays off in a lot of ways. The choice to use unreliable narrators in a story about stage magic is brilliant.

Of all things the story reminded me heavily of Frankenstein, particularly the way the book describes the supernatural/science-fictioney elements and how it plays into the lives of both men. I could appreciate the references it dropped.

The choice to do a pure half-and-half split narration was risky, but I think it paid off and ended up more effective than just threading the two stories together in alternating chapters. As I mentioned above, I liked that I had to flip between the two. You take what Borden says in the first half for granted– after all, why lie about it?– but the inconsistencies between him and Angier are an intriguing and come much later. (I’d prefer it if the book DIDN’T mention this directly, but unfortunately…)

The Mediocre:

While I liked the split narrative, having the halves be purely autobiographical or journalistic ultimately bogged the story down. By its nature a journal contains a lot of fluff that doesn’t necessarily connect to the story. It felt like Priest was trying to be “authentic” by including a lot of life details that end up… ultimately irrelevant? It detracted a lot from my experience because I had zero reason to care about those things and they served no purpose to the story.

As a result of the above issue, the events of the story felt episodic and disconnected, not a part of some overarching and connected feud. Especially in a story that relies on subterfuge and deception, things that might seem irrelevant should reflect in a new light as the story progresses. The first half accomplishes this in some ways, but it falls apart in the second half.

It had an annoying tendency to foreshadow a twist, reveal it, backtrack and reveal the twist to be “impossible” then… go back to it? Just kind of an irritating bait and switch, generally. Twists work with this type of story due to the whole stage magic thing but that gimmick completely goes against the attitude of it.

The framing device with the modern characters seems ultimately pointless. The story would have been fine without it. It would also prevent that… ending. See the final point under “The Bad”.

The Bad:

The characterization was lacking. There are a lot of people that come into the story and leave virtually no lasting impression on it, which isn’t a good sign. The big problem here is with this type of story, characters SHOULD be the driving force, and they simply aren’t. I get that the story focuses on the main two, but it shouldn’t be to the exclusion of all else.

And I really hate to say it, but the main characters were not especially interesting. A memoir and a journal by nature have a laser focus on one specific person, and while that was true enough, the characters don’t really change all that much. Both Borden and Angier are self-important assholes. That’s fine. The problem is they stay that way the entire story and refuse to examine themselves or develop in any concrete way until the very last second. Even when a character has a moment of reflection, like “this feud is stupid we should just end it”, something contrived keeps it going and neither character grows or matures from the insight. If this is intentional, it’s a frustrating position to put your reader in.

The conflict ultimately makes no sense. The feud is founded on stupid reasoning, and the way it sustains itself seems unrealistic. Even when a spoiler event happens that gives a character EXCELLENT motivation to push the story along and solidify the feud (possibly justifying this story built, ultimately, on miscommunication), it gets resolved in three pages and then the feud just… continues for no reason? If the feud is intentionally pointless, then play that up more! Show it through the side characters, or the modern framing device, or something. It feels bad otherwise.

I’m just going to say it. The ending is stupid as hell. Just really fucking dumb. Yeah, let’s turn this into a supernatural horror story… randomly? It makes no goddamn sense with the rest of the book. It felt like a joke ending. Nothing really set it up beyond the science fiction elements of some of Tesla’s stuff and even then it went in a way different direction. If the rest of the book had been like that, sure, but it wasn’t.

Final Thoughts: The Prestige is a book that features a fascinating core concept. Rival stage magicians at turn-of-the-century London trying to one-up each other and how they ultimately go too far? Frankenstein style science fiction? Nikola Tesla features prominently? But to me it fell short– it’s the type of book that could be great with a stronger editorial hand clipping out unnecessary fluff and bolstering the characters. The movie accomplishes this! It’s just a shame it couldn’t happen with the… book it’s based on.

That doesn’t mean the book is bad– far from it. It obviously came up with the framework that made one of my favorite films, and I liked seeing connections between the two. Again, I have to stress that it’s well-researched and an interesting idea, and the writing quality is good even if it falls short on storytelling. The idea of having unreliable narration for a story about stage magic is goddamn brilliant and I’m glad the author went for it. I just think he jumped the shark.

A lot of my complaints with the book are solved in the movie adaptation. It’s ironic that a book that has so much more time and space to develop characters falls flat, but the shorter movie version doesn’t. A story about obsession, one-upmanship, and how revenge destroys a person when they go too far should be character-driven and the movie understands this. The feud between Angier and Borden is caused by a stronger and more personal event, and you start off rooting for Angier. However, as the story progresses, Angier’s willingness to go to further and further extremes switches sympathy to Borden. Even more important are the side characters, their arcs, and seeing how they react to each man’s obsessiveness, and how it tears everyone apart on an interpersonal level. It’s raw and it’s structured well; everything is relevant, which makes the twist at the end all the more satisfying. You get a more concise and philosophical story overall, and I feel it’s way more appealing that way. The ending is also much different and much, much less stupid– I cannot stress this enough.

So ultimately I’m glad this book exists because it gives us an excellent story– one that only reaches its full potential in the adaptation. If it weren’t for that egregiously bad ending then maybe it would be a 3.5 (I’d penalize it more based on that but… ehh). You can certainly read it if you want to for the good aspects of it, but you should probably just watch the movie. If you want a story about rivalry gone too far, I’d recommend Vicious by V.E. Schwab or Oryx and Crake by Margaret Atwood, both of which are character-driven with fascinating (and consistent) premises.

#Taylor reviews #books #3/5

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