#i dont expect anyone to reblog this one lmao

[firestorm09890]

Kingdom Hearts: Nobody Anatomy, Physiology, Psychology, Ontology??? headcanons

saw people talking about more monstrous Nobodies a bit ago (okay it was a long while ago at this point, this has been in drafts for ages) and that reminded me to share some of my thoughts. it spiraled kind of out of control and now this post is ridiculously long. three parts: the physical side, the less physical side, and other thoughts. most of it’s under the cut. enjoy

The physical side

All of these apply to ALL Nobodies, not just the funny squiggly ones.

Alrighty, here’s my proposal: Nobodies don’t have any internal organs. Even the ones that retain their human form. They may look and act like they’ve got regular human body processes, but I like to think that it’s just a hollow imitation. This is why every single Nobody has an absolutely snatched waist

So they’d lack both their metaphysical hearts and their real hearts!

The Organization was founded by a bunch of researchers who got into this mess via unethical human experimentation so you know they tried to pin down the specifics of Nobody biology early on, but every time they tried to use any medical equipment it would come up empty or just straight up not work. And then none of them were willing to get vivisected for the cause lmao

I think the greater Nobodies (human-shaped ones) are made up of the same weird, rubbery flexible stuff that lesser Nobodies are, but just don’t have that flexibility because hey! They’ve got a human form to maintain! They may seem human, but on a biological level, they’re closer to the squiggly guys than an actual human. This is why it’s possible for Xemnas to turn greater Nobodies into Dusks. We never see him do it, but I doubt it’s an empty threat. I don’t think there were any other greater Nobodies in the Organization in the past, but he’s probably transformed one of the specialized Nobodies, like a Dancer or Dragoon, into one of the lowest-ranked ones, like Dusks or Creepers or something.

All Nobodies have the Nobody sigil somewhere on them. For lesser Nobodies it’s easily visible, but for greater Nobodies, it’s on their backs, and since they’re always wearing those coats, no one ever sees it.

If a Nobody is cut, they don’t bleed- instead, little wisps of darkness leak out of the wound, like what happens in the Org’s death animations but on a smaller scale. They can heal faster than regular humans thanks to ✨something something darkness and nothingness✨.

Though Nobodies are supposedly shunned by both light and darkness, they are more aligned with dark than light. Any Nobody can wield light, not just Roxas (as shown by Zexion in Chain of Memories), but it takes great difficulty. However, they can wield darkness with ease.

Nobodies do need to sleep as regularly as humans, but can last much longer without food or water. Rest? Yes! Nutrience? Unimportant

They have no body heat- that’s a corpse, baby!!! That does bring up some questions about thermoregulation. I don’t feel like thinking about it tbh. There’s lots of questions in this vein: can Nobodies get drunk? I think they probably can’t. In 358/2 Days, Demyx says “Wait, training!? That sounds like work, which means sweating. Which is gross.” and that... complicates things! I could chalk it up to how a lot of people in Organization XIII have a tendency to keep acting like they’re humans and nothing’s changed, even though it has.

Nobodies are “born” in any world in the Realm Between. Roxas first appeared in Twilight Town, but some might have shown up by Castle Oblivion, or even the Mysterious Tower (god bless). Showing up in The World That Never Was is probably the most common.

The less physical side

It’s quite an unlikely coincidence that every apprentice of Ansem the Wise had a standout, super strong heart that allowed them to retain their human forms as Nobodies. I think it had something to do with being stabbed by a keyblade, not just their wills alone. That would also align with 9-12 being tied to a keyblade legacy. A strong will is important, yes, but you only get to be human-looking if there was a keyblade involved.

In a Nobody, the most important part of this will is the will to live. Should that ever wane, they Nobody will begin to destabilize, and eventually, they will return to nothingness.

Nobodies have hearts, and they do not have hearts. They have feelings, and they do not have feelings. It’s like the observer effect in quantum mechanics. Anyone who can sense hearts or feelings or whatever will not be able to sense anything from a Nobody, no matter how far along in development that heart may be, reinforcing the belief that yeah there’s nothing there. But there is... and also there isn’t. Both statements are true. A friend described it as “Schrödinger’s Feelings” and it’s the most accurate “Schrodinger’s ____” joke I’ve ever seen made. Someone else described it as depression which is also accurate (source: i’ve had depression). There are bouts of emotion occasionally, but those emotions are dulled (and usually negative) and most of the time there’s only suffocating apathy.

There is some truth to the statement that Nobodies’ feelings are simply recreations of what they might’ve felt back when they had hearts, but it’s also bogus. Memories are important to the makeup of a Nobody, but that statement is often used as an excuse that covers up the reality that there was a feeling there. It’s very easy to lie to yourself when there’s mostly data supporting your argument and any evidence against is less common and easily disputed by “logic” like this.

The most prominent “feelings” in Nobodies are an intense sense of longing and dissatisfaction. For some, the longing is for a heart, but for others it is aimless. That was the idea behind all the Nobodies having little hobbies like cooking and puzzles and reading magazines in the manga. They’re trying to fill that void with anything they can.

In one of the novels, Demyx, #1 proponent of the idea that Nobodies do have hearts actually, gives us this:

I play and play, but I can’t make a satisfying sound.

In truth, I know I won’t be satisfied in all eternity.

If you don’t have a heart, there’s no such thing as satisfaction.

You don’t even think you want to be satisfied.

And yeah, the novels aren’t canon, but it’s still interesting to see and think about. Nothing you do is good enough to fill that emptiness, but you can barely bring yourself to care about it anyway. Yep, depression!

Nobodies are prone to a high amount of introspection. It’s an inherited trait all Nobodies share- if you manage to survive past humanity in a bizarre fucked up state like this, you’re naturally going to be thinking about it. However, they’re all also incredibly bad at it, and generally do a horrible job at self-reflection. This is just an unfortunate coincidence

A Nobody can regrow a heart if they make connections, and are seen and acknowledged by others. Pretty sure that’s just canon. HOWEVER, Nobodies cannot help each other grow hearts- this is why none of the Organization regrew hearts after 10 years of being around each other, and despite connections within the group. 0+0 is still 0, after all. That’s what makes the policy of going undetected on missions so insidious. They’re never allowed the chance to regrow a heart. I’ve already talked about it somewhere else, but this is why Roxas grows a heart so fast- he ignores that rule, for the most part. Axel’s interactions with Sora are also what kickstarts his heart growth.

Hypothetically, since someone doesn’t have to remember a memory for Castle Oblivion to draw on it, the mechanics with the cards and the rooms could have been used to help Xemnas recall his past- considering how much time he spent talking to Aqua’s armor, I think that’s something he might’ve been interested in. HOWEVER! Since the Twilight Town card came from the memories on the other side of Sora’s heart, I propose that the properties of Castle Oblivion would have no effect on Nobodies. RIP.

Other thoughts

I’m not saying Ansem the Wise and Yensid were right about Nobodies! I do think they’re different from humans on a fundamental level, but demonizing them is Not Cool

On the idea that Nobodies aren’t meant to exist: Well. Just like before it’s total bogus bc the main perpetrators of that idea were either bigoted about it or liars or both but I think it’s a little more complicated than “everyone is flat wrong about this”. Nobodies are essentially naturally-occurring byproducts of Heartless. Most Nobodies (or, at least, the lesser ones, based on that one cutscene in kh2 where hearts rain down on The World That Never Was and we see a bunch of Dusks grasping for them) seem to have a drive to reclaim the heart they’ve lost- if reclaimed, that would mean they wouldn’t be a Nobody anymore. Creatures born in worlds of neither light nor darkness, created only through the destruction of another and only some of the time, who don’t even want to exist like this themselves... that’s what “Nobodies aren’t meant to exist” means to me, I think. BEAR IN MIND “MEANT” IS NOT THE SAME AS “DESERVE”

And then! There’s Nobodies who defy that! Or, uh, Nobody, singular. Roxas goes “bro I don’t care I want to exist as I am” and he does that (Naminé... didn’t really seem to share that opinion, if I’m remembering correctly. Probably because DiZ hammered it into her head that she didn’t deserve to exist). I wish we had seen something like that from one of the regular Nobodies- why should recompletion and/or regaining a heart be the ideal? Why do they have to die again in order to be “right”? It just further perpetuates that idea DiZ and Yensid pushed in kh2: Nobodies are Wrong and shouldn’t be around. Unless you’re special like Roxas or Naminé in which case it’s okay. But for everyone else it’s recomplete or bust... anyway this is a tangent I did not mean to go on with this post-

I think it’s interesting, how they’re made of nothingness and their existence is “nonexistent”. Nothingness is, as an element, something, as opposed to true nothing, which is the absence of anything. Nonexistence implies existence. It’s like how in math, sometimes an answer to a problem will be DNE-- that’s Nobodies, and “nothingness”. “Does not exist”, but in writing the answer, it does exist, as a nonexistent entity. As opposed to just... not having a math problem at all, and therefore not having a place to write a solution. That is true nothingness- all the Nobodies of people whose hearts weren’t strong enough to create Nobodies fall under this category. They don’t exist for real. Nothing as something vs nothing as nothing- ah fuck I just realized this is the second time I’ve used a math analogy for kingdom hearts. shit

in conclusion

that’s all of it. probably. i like nobodies a whole lot. now that i’m thinking about it i should’ve made this multiple posts instead of one huge one. if you read all of this you earn my undying love

#kingdom hearts #kh #organization xiii #nobodies #kh headcanons #me post #i dont expect anyone to reblog this one lmao #but it would be nice if someone read it #i spent a stupid amount of time thinking about this #oh my god wait #0+0=0 is technically also a math analogy #fuck ive done this three times #and with the mention of quantum mechanics this post outs me as a super turbo nerd multiple times

[netscapenavigaytor]

list of possible netscapenavigaytor tags:

something kind of insane and only tangentially relevant

talking about fictional character

hopefully genuinely thoughtful insight and commentary to the post at hand

deeply baring my soul for the whole fucking world to see

"this is so fucking swag awesomesauce badass"

#error 0 #honestly i dont think i could ever totally click with any social media type site that doesnt let me make tons of commentary #without it getting in the way of others' blogging #i have so many thoughts! i have so many things to say! #i dont know how anyone can just silently reblog posts; are there no words in your head or do you prefer to keep them to oneself? #i dont say this as a statement of judgement of course becasue everyone lives the ultimate bloging their own way #but i cant imagine being given what is basically a free ''put commentary that doesnt interrupt the post'' box on every post #and then NOT using it constantly all the time #of course there are pros and cons to this - it is nice to have a diary of my thoughts but also at the same time #many things i say are a tad embarrassing to look back on. #but i would rather they continue to exist. i deleted too much of the picture of myself when i was much younger and i regret it dearly #but i promised to myself i wont obliterate the me i was in the past anymore. even if i say something embarassing #oh look here it is again - me talking too long tangentially related baring my soul in the tags #i like to spin around and talk in public to no one in particular in a place where no reply is necessarily Expected! #where i will be perceived but no other expectations exist. i get shy about it sometimes but #there's a sort of joy i get out of just logging my thoughts and feelings into this silly little blog! #and while i suppose it does not matter too much if it doesnt since i do this for myself #i do hope my rambles bring some small joy or entertainment to my followers #i mean i certainly must imagine the tags must be what you follow me for if ur not one of my personal friends LMAO #given how themeless and arbitrary this blog is #actually im curious now - if you read this far and youre not following me Just because we're friends #then what DO you follow me for? very interested to know #ok i need to go eat something i post this now and stop talking until i eat.

[firefly--bright]

peeks and blinders (you know me)

jean kirstein x gender neutral! reader, modern au

summary : being loved required patience and time and hope. luckily, jean provided all of them, without hesitation.

warnings : feelings of being deeply alone, heavy, hurt/comfort but mostly hurt, reader might sort of have depression

a/n : aha. lol. lmao. uhmmm yeah this is incredibly self indulgent and a projection. if you relate to this please PLEASE know that you're a) not alone and also b) I'm here if you ever need anyone to talk to. i wrote this with an unhappy ending in mind but with the poll results (and let's be honest, the aot finale) I decided to make it a happy ending instead. don't worry, everything works out in the end. this fic might just be terrible if you're already sad, so reader discretion is advised! i dont expect anyone to read the whole thing!!! but if you do read it, I hope you like it because I spent way too long on it. the ending might've been a little rushed only because I wanted to get this out as soon as possible so I could move on with a new fic idea ;)

taglist : @mrsnobodynobody @holding-infinity-and-a-book @jeanscremebrulee (side note- thank you for the kind words in my taglist form's criticism/comments question. i truly, deeply appreciate it :) )

masterlist is in pinned post! ✿ requests are open! ✿ likes and reblogs are appreciated! ✿ join my taglist ✿

✿ recommended playlist to listen to while reading ✿

living with someone meant showing yourself, something you weren't afraid of. well, not afraid, more just apprehensive. there was too much of a potential to fucking up a relationship; showing yourself too much in the one place you're allowed to be yourself without restrictions and limitations. you love your friends, you love jean, but sometimes the quietness of being alone was more than welcome because it had to be.

so when jean asked you with eyes that didn't meet your own if you wanted to move in with him, you didn't answer. quiet literally, you paused from eating the slice of pizza in your hand. he continued on with his nervous 'making-up-for-the-lack-of-response' ramble, explaining how you technically already lived together, how he liked finding your toothbrush next to his, and reluctantly admitted that he sometimes used your soap when he wanted to have a good day. a speech that warmed you despite your answer.

because no matter how comfortable you'd be with anyone, sharing the same space with them was a different kind quiet, unrelenting vulnerability. the fact that you existed and let someone percieve you without hinderance was...too much to think about. you had been alone your whole life, not in a pitiable way, but in a way where you didn't have a childhood best friend. you didn't have people stick around, like you were only at a corssroad of people's lives and greeted them with familiarity and comfort that they'd craved, despite your want and desire for it yourself. they'd continue on with their path while you would sit there, patiently, passing time.

jean admitted it to you. indirectly, he had confessed that he wanted to see you vulnerable and bare open in a way that people wouldn't know you normally. in a way where you were simply a locked window that noone had the key to. but there wasn't anything special to hide, no great overview of the city or the sea or rolling hills and valleys and large fields. no, just an unimpressive view of an unmowed backyard. untamed and messy - again, nothing special. just years of neglect while also being looked at. nothing special.

you didn't want him to see it. and technically, he asked you. you stopped spiralling just as he started his own, realising the effect your non verbal answer had on him, you simply said "I'll think about it." and tried to crack jokes along until the end of the night. because if nothing, then jean deserved some peace to balance out the turbulence that came with loving you.

in all honesty, you didn't know what you did. how you comitted the monsterous feat of getting him to love you. how he loved you in your entirety (or lack of it), how he woke up everyday and chose to love you despite everything that you took from him, drawing out his grumbling patience and gentleness because loving you meant waiting. loving you always, somehow, meant not loving you, because there was no way someone would know you, all your stories and opinions and ideas and still choose to love you.

living with you meant knowing your anatomy. not of your physical, breathing body, but the inside of your organs. it meant knowing that your stomach was filled with guilt, that your mouth could only utter whispers of people who once loved you and 'im sorries' to someone who won't know. it meant knowing that your hands were always aching to be held, that your skin was only ever warm when it was loved. it meant knowing that your chest was always heaving, yearning for a breath of relief that would never arrive. it meant knowing that your eyes always wandered off to the weighing scale kept at the back of your closet, always wandered off to find another pair of eyes that would look similar to yours. it meant knowing that your hair was always knotted with the doubts your mouth would never ask. it meant knowing so much about you, about the grey matter in your brain and about what flowed through your veins was nothing but pure doubt and discomfort with the unholy temple that was your body, the temple without a god, the temple that noone went back to. a body without a home.

he wouldn't want to know. he shouldn't want to know, and more importantly, he wouldn't like finding out. it would either be too much or too little, and his fingers would cramp up with the effort it took for him to pry you open, only for no prize to be met with. besides, you were okay just talking to yourself, no matter how insane it sounded. you got through so many years being self-sufficient, right? you didn't know how to handle it, handle someone actually loving you without doubt. you had lived long enough without it. someone loving you was new, something you didn't have a map for, something you didn't have any precautions against.

you and jean slept together that night. in the same bed, breathing the same air, under the same covers. you didn't share the same sleep, however, as his mind made dreams and yours went on like an unfinished painting - a list of unfullfilled answers, no meanings, trying and failing to come together. you found yourself watching him breathe; just his chest moving up and down and up and down, your hands twiching to rest on top of his but you didn't know if that's where they'd belong. if his body would wake itself up because of your touch - everyone was always surprised by how cold your fingers were. you were used to it.

maybe living with him wouldn't be that bad, right? as he said, you already shared the same space to a point where the pair of you felt comfortable enough to not care if your hair was groomed perfectly or if the colours and patterns of your outfit were clashing. but would he like it? would he like just how much more comfortable you could get? just how much you could ask for? just how long you could lock yourself up in the bathroom and try to cry? would he like to know just how long you sometimes spent on your bed, refusing to get up because your heart felt too heavy for your chest? for when your heart felt like it could fall through your back, punch a hole through the ground and bury itself in the earth until it could somehow bonify and fossilize and archeologists would recognise, instantly, that it didn't belong there.

he'd leave. that was something you knew for a fact. your love wouldn't be wasted, ofcourse not, neither would the time, but maybe he'd leave feeling like he'd wasted himself at your expense. or maybe he wouldn't think about you at all.

your night was spent with your brain spiralling - thoughts about how you didn't know how to handle being loved the way he loved you, about how you probably never had a childhood best friend that was still in your life because the phases of your life weren't meant for anyone but yourself to see, about how much your hair fell due to the stress of distracting yourself from overwhelming sadness by studying and creating while also being only slightly average at it. you fell asleep thinking about how the abundance of being alone, to you, meant being not alone at all, because there was no differenciation of company and lonlieness because there hadnt been any company to remind you of the lonliness at all- your eyes had fluttered closed and breathing evened.

jean always wondered if you were hiding something from him. not in a bad way, not in the way where he couldn't say he loves you, but in the way where you'd hesitate. and if he didn't love you as much, he probably wouldn't have even noticed. but fortunately, he did know you. a little too well.

he knew how much you loved the crunchy autumn leaves, so much so that you would alter your paths just to crunch one under your boot, a smile of satisfaction gracing your face after hearing the noise it made. he knew how much your fingers would reach out for his. he knew how much you tried - with everything. he knew of your unsaid struggles, knew when and what made your mood sour. and he loved it, he loved the fact that he knew all of those thing but more importantly, loved that he loved them.

loving you felt like it was a built-in feature.

but despite all of this, he didn't know why. he didn't know why you were the way you were. he knew you tried, but he didn't know why. he knew you struggled, but didn't know why. and it was driving him crazy, especially after last night. he couldn't help himself, even if he could see you, again, trying to diffuse the situation with lighthearted jokes, he couldn't help but think a little too much.

did you not want to? jean had always been honest about how much he struggled with being either too much or too little, about how much the words hurled by his friends when he was young hurt him, about how much his love proved to be uncomfortable and silent and resigned. maybe his honesty was too much for you. maybe you didn't like the burdens he came with, maybe you didn't like knowing how much his father's absence had affected him, or about how much his previous partner altered the way he saw himself to a miserable extent. you hadn't asked for all of this, all of him, all of his parts. maybe you were getting sick of it.

or maybe, if Jean's knowledge about you served right, you were being hesitant again.

he swears he doesn't mind it. you not wanting to move in with him wasn't a problem, but he just wished he knew why. the whole day, the only thing on his mind was how he could feel less hesitant towards him, god, anyone but him. he knew, firsthand, how it felt being so overwhelmed by inconsequencial doubt where he was left with so many regrettable unanswered questions engraved into the palm of his hands because he kept them hidden in his fist for too long, where he wishes, prays, and hopes for an answer that he knows will never arrive even if he doesn't look for it.

there are many things jean wishes and prays and hopes for. you're not one of them. but only because you're here. he doesn't need any other wish to be fulfilled or prayer to be answered or hope to sparkle. you are, inadvertently, all of them. a love without doubt, a wish without a cost, a prayer without a sacrifice, a hope without desperation. you're all of them. you're everything.

but he knows that if he's hesitant this time, if he doesn't reach out to grab you, if he doesn't do something, no matter how desperate, he will most ceratinly feel a deeper regret than he has ever felt before. and yes he may be exxagerating it, but he doesn't care. he'd learnt not to care when he was with you - he's learnt to be comfortable with you and around you. he wants to tell you that it's okay if you don't want to move in with him because his home is wherever you would be, his home is his hand on your thigh, his home is watching you blink in thought, his home is the sound of your footsteps. his home is anywhere with you. you are the only person who has the right to know that.

he makes his familiar way over to your apartment. you're not home yet, sasha informs him with a sleepy voice and messed up hair, "but you can wait in their room." she says because everyone knows that you wouldn't mind him waiting in your room. including him.

he does your routine - the one he's seen you do countless of times when you enter your room - take off his coat and hang it on the back of your door where one of the hooks is kept empty for him, shoulder his bag off and put it down on the spot next to your desk, turn on the desk lamp and the night lamp because you refused to turn the overhead lights on, because "they are so hideous why would I want to turn them on," according to you, and then finally occupy the space on your bed, laying his back down and his hands resting on his stomach as he waited for you.

staring at the cracking paint on the ceiling of your bedroom, jean thinks. from his pending homework that he's mentally figuring out how to schedule to how he's going to conduct this new group project with people he has never talked to before to how is it already the second last year of University because it felt like the first day was yesterday, until finally his thoughts landed on you. of course it would always lead to you.

it started from him thinking about University, then about how he met you on the second day, seeing you in one of his classes, sitting diagonaly across him, how you conducted yourself, slipping your bag off and checking your phone. then it turned to him seeing you at the freshers party where he saw his now ex-partner with someone he knew he shouldve questioned more. how he stormed off of the party with half tears of sadness and half of anger, catching a glimpse of you in the corner of the room, looking kind of lost. he saw you multiple times after that but never talked to you. he saw you at an ice-cream parlor once. he wanted to talk to you, but Connie had loudly confirmed the tickets to this new concert, which took away Jean's attention from you. but then he was introduced to you by Marco, because of course it would be Marco who had the pleasure to befriend amazing people. he met you then, properly, when you introduced yourself, and he nodded at you with little regard.

jean shook his head with a little smile. he had been so stupid, that day. he barely looked in your direction as you got acquainted with Marco, Connie and sasha, but he didn't disregard the fact that you looked less lost than you were at the party.

you had a way of sticking around, jean found out after that. he didn't realise when you had slipped into his life, hiding in plain sight. one night he found himself awake the same time as you and the next, he found himself saving a seat for you in the class you shared with him. soon enough, you knew him as well as he knew you, and there was softness in the recognition your eyes held when they met with his. the same appreciation of his existence, something he hadn't felt before. he couldn't say that he knew you as well as the back of his hand, because really, he knew you like the back of your hand, because he'd looked at your hands more than he'd ever looked at his, noticing all the little creases and scars and veins and hairs. he knew what warmth they held, he'd felt it after your hands made their way into his while walking back to your dorm on a cold night. a night jean would never forget because he had frantically knocked on your door right after leaving you there, because his senses had finally worked and he had finally found out that he wanted to kiss you. and he did, and you kissed back, and jean swore he had never been happier even while he could hear sasha and Connie and Marco cheering for the both of you. he kissed your forehead as a goodnight that night. you were in his shirt.

you were his home before he even knew what his home was, before he could find out for himself. you became an answer with a question.

he sighed, hearing your footsteps make their way through the tiny apartment, saying a small "hi," to sasha who was sleeping on the couch. the door to your room swung open just as jean sat up, his weight resting on his forearms on your mattress. you didn't seem surprised that he was there, just flashing a smile at him before removing your bag and placing it down, and jean felt his heart flutter with comfort as your presence filled the room.

his eyes trailed you as you did the same thing he did a few moments ago, plopping yourself down right next to him. your breathing evened out with his as the two of you lay in silent comfort before jean spoke.

his voice was a low hum. the words were barely different, but you understood them anyway. "yknow you can talk to me about anything, right? even if it's sad or not funny or not...I don't know, not remarkable. you can say it. i won't laugh unless you want me to." he says. it's a flimsy promise, but you know his words hold a meaning that you can't quiet grasp.

his palm lays on top of the back of your hand.

he's warm. scarily so, because why would someone hold so much warmth towards you? more importantly, jean extended his hand without even meaning to, like muscle memory, which was, again, terrifying, because loving you as habitual purpose was scarier than you having to prove yourself for it.

your shoulders relax almost instantly; habitually and with purpose. was the purpose of it to not have a purpose at all? was the meaning of your being to not have any meaning at all? was it just to love despite it?

you wanted to do good. not in a special or overly remarkable way, because you knew you would never reach that mark because you never had, but in the way where you'd be recognized. in crowded rooms, you'd be sought out for because of your "goodness" - be it reliability, comfort, all the things you usually associated with jean. which was ironic, because noone who didn't know him like you did would ever think of jean in that way.

"i.." you say, trailing off. you want to say that you know, but it'd be a lie. it'd be a false promise, and jean didn't need that any more than he needed you. so you say, "I'll keep that in mind."

jean doesn't buy it. his hand squeezes yours, stubbornly. "no, i don't want you to keep that in mind, I want you to want to do it." he says. his head turns towards you, watching the side of your face with an expression you know better than anything. the slight furrow of his brows, slightest scowl on his face that was masked by a layer of genuine concern.

"what I mean is.... you don't have to be so hesitant with me." he says. you want to blink back surprise, except that it's not really surprising. he's seen you, more so than anyone ever has, so it's not surprising that he'd see if one day was affecting you worse than the other days. it makes you want to scream because you don't know how to deal with it.

you close your eyes as if that would help. it wasn't like you were good at running away from affection, mostly because you never needed to. if anything, you were used to running towards it, desperately, just trying. but here it was, now, the resolution of it all, of all of the aches and creakings of your deepest yearnings, yet you couldn't seem to look at it. look at him - at jean, your best friend, someone you'd do anything for - with eyes that matched his.

you sigh. there's a deep silence, and jean isn't anticipating anything. his hand is still on yours and he feels you squeeze it tightly, but he isn't going anywhere for you to hold on to him. even if he wasn't tethered to you, he'd want to stay by your side, without any precautions or promise of a fruitful result. he'd stay with you regardless.

he isn't waiting for you to say anything, because being with you feels more than adequate, like it's instinct, like his shoulders relaxing when it's just the two of you, or like that tingly feeling in his chest when you kiss his cheek after a long day.

but when you do speak, it's with resignation and certain grief. "i dont think you'll like me. if I... if we move in together, I think, realistically, you won't like it."

"how can you be so sure?" he asks. it's not a serious question, but he thinks it's a start. you're doing it, you're being less hesitant, and atleast that's somewhere to begin.

"i just am." you say, shrugging. but it's not a fact, atleast, it shouldn't be. it isn't to jean. he's rolling his eyes now, but he's not annoyed or digusted. "how?" he presses, because he knows there's more, there always had been with you.

"i get too much. and then too little. like none of it is ever just right. and I'm scared that you'll see it and...I don't know, get frustrated at my lack of everything." you say. there's truth in every word even though you desperately wish there wasn't. you're still hesitating, but it's less so. your hand is still in his, still squeezing it. it was predictable - something you found yourself relying on - the warmth of his palm and the way his hand would also engulf yours with the same echoing softness it always had. even if his fingers were calloused and a little rough, it didn't matter. they still held you the same.

he's clinging onto every word you're saying, every small explanation, every twitch of your eyebrows. he knows what's going to come, he knows there's going to be an admission of guilt coming on soon enough but he also knows, more importantly, that he'll be there to tell you that no, he does not regret loving you, and yes, he will keep doing it over and over and over again.

"I've never been... wanted like this. or like anything, I guess. and I'm so scared," you breathe in deeply, keeping your tears at bay. jean pushed himself onto his forearm, looking at you in a way you've never been looked at before. "I'm so scared of disappointing you because I think that's all I've ever done. that's all I know how to do." the box is open now, and it's not forced or pried with effort. jean has always known how to open it, you think, you just didn't let him. he does it now, with the same hands you find comfort in, the same gentleness that his eyes have always held for you.

you're crying. you don't have anything else to add to your statements, and they hang in the air as if waiting for you to complete them, expecting you to do something. but you don't and you can't and jean is holding you, his hands are at your sides and your nose is buried into his shoulder and you think the words and the expectations can wait for now, or for however long jean is willing to take care of you.

your shoulders shake. jean is whispering into your ear, asking you to breathe. he's saying it so kindly that you feel the need to comply, and when your lungs finally calm, he rewards you with a kiss on your forehead.

you think if how much of a liability all of this is. about how much you weigh in emotions when you're this open and vulnerable. not even like an open, unhealing wound, but more like that feeling you get when you finally decide to read an unread text message that had been sitting there for a month, but you're the person who both sent the text and also the one replying to it and also the one who was watching it unfold. you caused this, you were the only one who was replying, and you were also the witness to all of this.

but now jean was here. it was unusal and strange - someone being there, actually, physically and mentally present instead of those placating "you'll get over its" that were repeated to you by the few people you decided to open up to.

the two of you are silent now, only broken up by deep, almost heaving breaths from you, something you wish you would stop doing. instead of you digging your nails into your palms like all the other times, your nails are clinging onto jeans clothes, and he doesn't seem to mind. instead of it being your blankets like all the other times, it was Jean's soft heat wrapped around you, moving with each breath you took until your chest didn't feel as heavy anymore.

"i know." he says, finally. he doesn't expect you to answer, ofcourse, but he knows you're listening because you shift slightly in his arms. "i know...too well, what it's like. i know that moving in means more to you than it means to people in general. i know that it's not even about moving in together. i.." he's being hesitant. finding the right words, but for once, Jean's happy about this trait of his. he's glad he rethinks decisions and the next time when he tries again, he's more sure of it. hes sure that he loves you, hes sure that he wasn't made to love you but he grew into it because there's that choosing again, the fact that yes, he did probably have a choice, but he would never even consider it. he doesn't want to consider it and maybe that's more important than there even being a choice. he wishes he could put it into words that would make sense.

instead, he opts to say, "I am so sorry you had to think all of this all alone for so long. but I'm...I'm here now. i know that won't solve everything instantly, ofcourse it won't, but I will be here until it will. i will wait."

there's promise in his voice, a conviction that you hadn't heard before. you trust him, you always have, but you don't know if you trust yourself with this. you don't trust yourself to be someone he loves. he's quick to quiet your concerns after yet another peck on your forehead.

"but don't you think I take too much?" you ask. its doubtful, the steps you're taking on the usually thick ice that has turned too thin too fast. you're afraid you're going to offend him, but you stand no chance against Jean's all-knowing sigh. it's not a tired sound, not one anyone gives before they're about to give up. you're not sure what kind of sigh it is, but jean doesn't let you figure it out for yourself because he's answering.

the ice turns into concrete. he's become your footing, the reason you're still standing and not under numerous feet of cold water. "i dont think you're taking. your....your love doesn't ask to take. you love despite everything, not because of it. everyone, including me, focuses on how to be loved, on how to be a perfect image that probably won't last for too long, but you..... you focus on shaping your love, the love you give. i dont know if you've noticed it, but you do. you don't take too much, you give without expectations. you give with hope. it's beautiful." he pauses. "you're beautiful." he says. he's not looking anywhere else but your eyes that are welling up with familiar tears.

you suck in a breath. "im not used to sweet words, jean," you say, the breath you held releasing with a bittersweet smile. "i dont know how to handle all of this love you're giving me. i think... i think you love me too much." another tear down your cheek and onto the mattress. jean wipes away it's remnants.

"i dont love you nearly enough." he says with the same laugh you had given him, "but you'll grow into it. just like how you grew into everything else, you'll grow into being loved. i grew into it too," he says. his forehead touches yours. the proximity makes you shiver. "i grew into just how much you love me. and I wanna keep growing into it because I love loving you. i love you loving me, as selfish as it sounds."

you take a moment to register his words. yes, you weren't used to being so vehemently and stubbornly loved and taken care of, but you could. you could get used to it, get used to crying in your beloved's arms, being fed spoonfuls of carefully heated up soup that would settle into your belly, being looked at for more than a split second. you couldn't fathom it now, sure, only because you could've never believed it before, but that could change. you could grow into loving love, into accepting it just as freely as you had given it.

jean wasn't holding you with a death grip because he knew that you wouldn't leave, atleast, he didn'tanymore. he would've done it, he had all the reasons to. if he were still fifeteen, he would've thought that he had to come beg and cling on to love to make it stay. he had to do something spectacular, something entirely not himself in order to prove that he was atleast worth giving a try but with you...he didn't have to beg. he didn't even have to ask. for a while it felt undeserved, all of this care you were giving his somehow beating heart, all of this ointment you were providing to his broken bones, but he somehow, miraculously, grew into it, because he let you in. he let you see him with the eyes that would rival the ones he was sure the gods had, he let you see him and all his unknown and unsaid sins and let you love him anyway because you wanted to, because you didn't see something in him - a potential of something greater - but you saw him as he was. as he is. and nothing in your smile changed. and if you could do that, then he'd be damned if he didn't love you the same.

no words were said after that, only Jean's heartbeat mingling with your own in your ear. both of your eyes were closed, his hands relaxed on your back, your chest no longer heaving, commanding you to pay attention to it.

you fell asleep in the silence of promise.

---

the promise continued even a week later, turning into two, turning into four, wherein jean kept loving you despite and because of, unafraid and unwavering and for the first time, without any hesitance.

you were keeping up on your promise too. trying to accept it - all of this affection, his affection - without hesitance. it was hard but mundane things usually are and you continued to grow and mend and try, above all else, which was more than jean hoped for.

he's passing you the brush he had slathered the perfect amount of toothpaste on, slipping into the comfort of the cool night warmed by the heat of your previously taken shower in your bathroom. you smile at him as a thanks, and he nods as a welcome, and no words are spoken. no words need to be spoken, and his right hand makes its way to the small of your back, his left brushing his teeth as you start brushing yours and you think that maybe everything is uncertain. everything always has been and always will be, and loving someone has always been uncertain, too. being loved has always come with doubt and guilt and shame. but the only difference was that now, both of you hoped. you hoped that everything would be alright in the end, jean hoped that he'd get to share the same bed as you in the end.

hope was flimsy and hopeless, too optimistic, but now it served as something you both shared. the shared sentiment of hoping that you'd have eachother till the end was more important than the uncertainty. it meant that both of you would keep trying. you don't need to be sitting, waiting patiently and hopelessly at the same crossroad now, because Jean's hand is on the small of your back, the watch on his wrist is still and unticking, and you're walking down the same road with the same landmarks and the same gravel because you want to. you've moved from your old spot on the pavement because you want to. you're learning how to love the sound of your own footsteps, how to love the action of one foot infront of the other, and the best part is, Jean's learning too.

loving isn't a reciprocal or a transaction or a grand 'aha!' it's an act of hope. hoping they'll see you the same. hoping they'll have the same hopes as you. hoping they'll want to be loved by you, because hope doesn't require anything grand, hoping doesn't require a god to pray to or a cost to pay. it requires soft, undettered, unsaid patience. something jean, persistently, had. something you, stubbornly, held.

you paused from brushing your teeth to look at your love. you were wearing his old t-shirt that had faint stains of ink and old paint on it, and he was donning the headband you had owned for years to keep his hair out of his face. he glances at you through the mirror, then turns to you, nodding to you, eyebrows arching in a question.

you spit out the toothpaste into the sink. looking back to him, you say, with all the conviction and hope you can muster up, "I want to move in with you."

jeans mouth turns upwards, still full of toothpaste. he doesn't say anything. he doesn't need to say anything.

everything's already been said, already been understood.

because he knows you. and he couldn't be more happier to.

(when you pick the curtains for your new home, you are held up by jean, who's hands grasp the ladder you're on. you're looking down on him after the work is done and he's smiling, and you're smiling, and at night you're using the same stove to make the same dinner that the two of you will share along with some old wine and old stories. he holds you when you fall asleep, and your arms are around his torso as he snores softly. your love is stored in the blood of his veins. his love is stored in the palm of your hands, and even if you don't hold it, it still stays there, unmoving, growing, attached.)

✿

#jean kirstein x reader #jean kirschstein x reader #jean kirstein #jean kirstein x you #aot #attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin #jean kirschtein

[chryblossomjjk]

bts fic recommendations | 01.17.23

→ hi friends! this is a little segment i do every tuesday (reviewsday get it, aren’t i funny, pls tell me how funny i am) where i read and review two-three fics. as a content creator, i know how big of a role other creators play in your growth, therefore, i want to do my part in making sure everyone gets the recognition they deserve! so with that being said, please check out the amazing fics listed below. make sure to like, reblog, and leave feedback! ♡ #reviewsday #kikirecs

motor head - @jeonjcngkook (jjk x reader | fwb, angst, smut, pwp)

summary: jungkook doesn’t like seeing someone else have your attention, so he decides he’s gonna do something about it.

feel like ive been here since the conception of this majesty?? like i was here for the horny discord chats n edits about motorcycle jk, therefore, it's only fair that i can gatekeeper him... mine. ALSO NOT U STARTING IT OFF W GETTING SANDWICHED BETWEEN MY BIAS N BIAS WRECKER?? THE DISRESPECT OF IT ALL!!!

^the feminism leaving my body when sav writes about jk manhandling oc n having her use his bike as a vibrator

^^me regaining the feminism when she whips a whole tape measure at him theme shits is HEAVY LMAO

also like... your brain w this fucking smut bro?!?! it's literally one of the hottest smuts ive read in a v v v long fucking time?? THE JUMPER CABLE HANDCUFFS LIKE GTFO??? SHAKESPEAREAN OF SMUT REALLY!! and i completely get where oc is coming from bc some of the things he said had me side eyeing like... repressed feelings maybe? but then is he just super possessive and his anger/hurt came from ego n not emotions... genuinely love when the characters are hard to read like thats everything. n she better fuck taehyung >:( BUT RUN DONT WALK TO READ THIS UGH IT WAS SO GOOD BBY LIKE NO WONDER SHE WAS DOING ROUNDS IN THE TAGS!!!!!!!

tales of broken hearts - @taegularities (kth x reader | ex2l, childhood sweethearts, fluff, angst, smut)

summary: when a work trip brings you back home, you don't expect for anyone to await your return or remember you. but despite the time apart, taehyung still does - still looks at you the same way he used to five winters ago.

rid, im not joking when i say this is everything i want in a fanfic. like ex2l always gets me, and you legit mastered it with this one. something about right person wrong time just does it for me. that opening line was so simple but so so so beautiful:

"Love doesn't bloom during frigid winters."

and your ability to fully write in the pov of the character that you've crafted is nutty. like on the outside, it seems like a simple thing to do, but ik from experience that it's really not. like the way you perfectly represented oc's bleakness in the beginning through the word choices, that only shifts when taehyung is being discussed, is a1 storytelling. and same with him, like even when things are falling apart, the metaphor compares oc to a star, n that's how he sees her despite the circumstances. IM EMOTIONAL!!!

and idk dude i think i feel so strongly about this piece bc i relate to this oc sooo much. like the way ur desire to get out of ur current situation bleeds into every aspect of ur life n ruins relationships n u end up even worse than u started off in a lot of ways- NOT THIS FIC BEING A WHOLE HIT PIECE RID LMAO >:(

they deserve eachother sm and oc deserves a happy easy love and THE ROUNDABOUT MOMENT IN THE END LIKE ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME I LOVE WHEN EVERYTHING TIES IN AND UGH I FUCKING CAN'T THIS WAS A MASTERPIECE LIKE I NEED TO SEE THIS ON FILM BBY THE BIG SCREEN!!!!!!!

posting this a lil early but who gaf :')

#reviewsday #kikirecs #bts #kim taehyung #jeon jungkook #bts smut #bts fanfic #bts fic #bts fic recs #jungkook fic #taehyung fic #jungkook smut #taehyung smut #bts x reader #bts jungkook #bts taehyung #jungkook x reader #taehyung x reader

[pettydollie]

cookies, please!

of course! here is all of our cookies, please take a look at every one

rules for this blog are simple. mdni on smut, NO incest, dni if ur racist, homophobic, ableist, etc

be KIND. i am always sweet to my followers/visitors and i expect the same back

please dont ever compare my work with anyone elses. everyone has different writing styles/thought processes

i dont block people often, but if i do its not for no reason

do not bother me by sending the same request over and over again. i am a VERY slow person lmao i need time to get my ideas down. i always work on requests before my personal ideas, but i still have other things im working on. i will always see your requests/asks but i probably wont respond right away

ive never had a problem with anyone on this app, dont start some unnecessary shit

keep your mean opinions to yourself. i am absolutely welcome to feedback, i'd love if you could give me tips! but please be respectful

please interact: if u like my writing ofc hehe, if u have a request(s), if you just wanna talk, if u wanna vent slide into my dms pls!!

my readers are all similar! they are girly, bubbly, and sweet. unless i say otherwise, they are always fem

normally don't do second parts to oneshots unless i really want to. sorry :(

when you request something, i'd prefer if it was in detail. for example, a simple, "can u write angst where matt is depressed" is okay but it will take me such a long time to get to ur req because i need to think of what i wanna do, yk? if u put it in a better description like, "can u do angst where matt is struggling with depression while in a relationship with yn and she leaves him bc she thinks he needs to work on himself", thats much better and gives me more to work with !

but dont be upset if i change ur request just a bit. sometimes i dont feel comfortable with touching on certain topics so i might change a bit of the plot c:

i dont mind spam liking/reblogging at all!! please feel free to :D

if u read all these rules, click on "pettydoll's bakery" on my pinned post for my main masterlist

ty! <333

#rules #rulebook #cookie jar #pettydoll #petty_dollie #pettydoll's rules

[moving-to-dreamwinged]

OK HEY soooo sort of an update under the cut regarding sharing / other tangentially related selfship stuff !!

feel free to not read , i put it under the cut cuz its long/not super important but yea ;3

so idrk how to word this but basically since iv started hangin out on tumblr my views on selfshipping have changed a lot!!! i honestly was not expecting everyone on here to be so lovely and accepting and im so happy to be in a community i feel so comfortable in :'3

but!!! basically: with the nature of me not being open abt f/o on here things have gotten lowk really complicated LMFSJDFJHSF long story short i ended up having to sb a moot today bc i didn't realize we shared a main </3 i feel really bad abt letting that slip thru the cracks, but i just honestly did not know until i saw smth they reblogged today; and i wanted 2 respect their "dni if we share" !

however at the same time as this my views have also changed on sharing !! one week on selfship tumblr and im much more relaxed about it,,, crazy. tbh youre ALL canon and real to me even if we share cuz different versions n multiverse theory n all that. ;p SO

i realized that im comfortable interacting w/ people that i share w if it's not one of their mains, and if they state that theyre comfortable sharing on their profile bc ofc i wanna respect their boundaries!! so from now on i think thats prolly gonna be how i go about things bc it honestly just doesnt trigger me anymore yippee yahoo.

i know tht might be worrisome tho for some who dont wanna view content potentially centered around a character they *also* are dating so if that concerns you, feel free to reach out to me and ask me if we share, ill tell u!!!

or u can just block my #. 🔮 tag entirely bc that covers anything posted w The Blorbo in mind. i will never explicitly post a character tho so dont worry about being triggered either way! (yeah im prob never publicly revealing sorry)

sorry this is so long and probably WAY deeper than it actually is but im so new here and idrk the ettiquette so i just wanna make sure i dont unintentionally hurt anyone! tbh i never expected anyone to see or interact w this blog in the first place (my policy at first was . "i dont feel comfortable naming my f/o but if we share i wont interact w u!!" not accounting for the fact that ppl could interact w ME first... LMAO i just didnt expect everyone to be so nice and welcoming 😭) and im so grateful to have virtually met all u guys and ur lovely f/os ;3

anyway x o x o SORRY THAT IS SO FUCKING LONG oh my god anyways. back to ur regularly scheduled programming

#.info #f/o #self ship

[discatded]

art comms :D woo!!

pay will be through cash/app and after i finish

prices are absolutely negotiable!

dm me to start :D

extra notes:

- polished sketch category will have a range in quality, i just didnt feel like making two diff categories for similar things

- i will do fanart but youll have to double check with me

- im very bad at visualizing descriptions so a sketch (doesnt matter how specific) of what youd like me to draw would be VERY helpful

- full drawing has an option for filters and colored lineart, it just didnt fit

- edits after the sketch will cost extra money, depending on how much gets changed

- it may take a while for me to finish, sorry! occasional reminders are a-okay and even helpful :D just dont pester me constantly lol

- i am willing to do animals, im just. well last time i drew any animals besides a bunny statue once was in 6th grade. so it will cost extra and do not expect it to be very good lmao

- extra characters in full drawings will cost extra, depending on their complexity and if the characters are interacting with each other

- if theres anything else i didnt mention that youd like, just ask me about it. if im willing to do it ill come up with a price for you

- payment will be made after i finish but before i give you the finished product. i forget wips Often (damn you adhd) and i dont wanna accidentally scam anyone lmao

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REBLOG TY

EDIT 7/23:

this is very out of date regarding my art style; if you want a commission now and have a specific style ive used in mind, just show me which piece and we can negotiate prices.

i also use two different art programs now, and they play a part in how the art looks. (it boils down mostly to pixelly vs organic.) i can explain further and you can choose one or the other, if youd like.

#art #my art #idk how to tag this lmao

[kannibalkaiii]

Wanted to make a lil pinned "about me"

Im a traditional artist whose fave mediums include polymer clay, markers, acrylics, and ofc pencil/paper (the latter being my go-to since materials are unfortunately expensive and I can't really afford much...) honestly all i really need is a mechanical pencil and im good to go though... that's all I need to unleash my horrors 😈

One day I hope to have an art room full of all the art supplies I could dream of... that's a thought that always motivates me 💜

I also like to write and do voiceovers for fun, even if I'm not the best at it. Keyword is FUN lmao

I love video games, horror films, crime tv, the macabre, as well as goofy, lighthearted crap...oh and RATS I have such a soft spot for them!...so expect a random mess of content here. I like to bounce between cute, lewd, and disturbing... that pretty sums up my tastes~

I've been creating art for as long as I can remember...keeping my mind and hands busy is very important to me

Fandoms alternate a LOT

Teeth, eyes, and guts are a fave aesthetic of mine...I gravitate to anything that's an amalgam of the three. Body horror and guro, my beloved! 🥩🦷🩸💀

My art posts may include nsfw subjects (including some problematic themes) so please only view/follow if you're 18+~

I really love drawing curvaceous, non op transmen. As a transman myself who has been through a rough journey of self acceptance...it's very affirming

Speaking of, not all transdudes have/want top surgery and not all are flat. If non op trans ppl bother you then block me because I won't have anyone policing how I express myself or tell me how I "should" look.

-

Hmm lemme see some random facts I'll tack on from time to time...

Spicy food is my absolute favorite, that's like 90% of my diet (toss a Rockstar energy drink on the side and it's OVER yumyum)

Im very tender hearted when it comes to animals, I love them very much and im also very passionate about nature.

-

❤🧡💛💚💙💜❤🧡💛💚💙💜❤🧡💛💚💙💜

Let's be pals! Feel free to shoot an ask or message

I won't bite TOO hard

Also dont feel obligated to follow if u wanna be pals. I understand we all have different tastes in fandoms and topics so if you just wanna chat then just chat c:

❤🧡💛💚💙💜❤🧡💛💚💙💜❤🧡💛💚💙💜

Other blogs

💠Where I reblog things that I like (18+ warning) @kaiii-rebloggos

💠My crafts only blog (sculpts, resin, paper mache, and such) @kannibalkreatiiions

❣Also I'm @ Weirdntasty on twitt

nsfw Reblogs mostly but I've started posting my uncensored art there.

Pls have age in bio or I can't accept follow

-

Check out the tag #kaiiimerch for my stickers and charms!

-

SEE YA!

#kaiiitalks

[etoile-gracieuse]

im so sorry yall im regressing into all sorts of old obsessions these days.

just saw a post talking abt why dex (and jack at one point) from check please would be banned from aux at parties (im not reblogging bc it is from 2020 and i dont want to argue with anyone i just want to explain why im right LMAO) and all of the reasons they gave were. What. i had a haus of my own, only for a significantly larger team (track not hockey), and i know my experience is not universal and there's definitely someone out there who Also had a team and a team house w big parties that disagrees w everything i say etc etc but like. it is so odd to see people's ideas abt how that goes when it's the complete opposite of my experience

me rambling abt expectations vs reality for music at parties hosted by doofus athletes for doofus athletes below the cut with a short aside about how canon's housing is deeply confusing to me

it's not just party music assumptions that confuse me, it's on all sorts of levels, like the haus being their only team related off campus space. we had... 11?? off campus houses?? and even if you narrow it down to just houses w mens distance runners in it (approx the same number of people as umich's hockey team rosters) then we had 5 houses plus underclassmen in dorms. like the math is not mathing if there's just the 3 bedroom plus attic haus. what 21/22 year old is choosing to live in a traditional dorm. there's just no way your options as an upperclassman are "be lucky enough to be one of Maybe 6 that can squeeze in if several people share rooms" or "live in dorms. hopefully you get a single" when theoretically they should be averaging like 6.5 people per class year. not the point, a gripe i have w canon really anyways, whatever.

but the collective sense of what goes for party music... i get that the canon era is like 2013 to 2018 or so but like i have met some of our class of 2018 alumni. and i feel preeetty confident in saying the below was also true then.

'he would play come on eileen [and get banned]' - im sorry but that was played at LEAST once per party at my athlete frat house, how is that an aux-bannable offense

"they would be like 'we want party music not sea shanties'" - shipping up to boston is a Thing (capital T deserved). and rattlin bog. do you know how many drinks i have finished while listening to/playing rattlin bog. that is a classic drinking game (i double checked to make sure this wasnt invented like right before i hit college or smthn and found a tweet referencing it from 2014). also we did actually several sea shanties at a st pattys party (our aux guy did have to be bullied into it. worth it) though i would not say that that one's a universal experience.

"this absolute ding dong [jack] says 'i like carrie underwood' and is never asked for his input again" - you're telling me you haven't gotten down in a house full of stolen signs that is falling apart at the seams to before he cheats???? i have watched 22 year old 6'7" men stand on tables and truly Perform their hearts out to this song and you're telling me that holster wouldn't pull that shit?

"plays country and gets banned" - see: before he cheats. but also our most popular party theme (aside from disco i think) was farm party. we had hay bales and apple bobbing. our number of international harvester streams hit double digits before midnight. i did not go to college in the south, or in the middle of nowhere, or any of that. even city kids like to get drunk in overalls and cowboy hats singing about farmers' daughters sometimes

"he just plays dad rock" - i think once again people underestimate how hard college kids go for shit like that when theyre drunk. i have watched people pole dance around a basement support beam to billy joel and bruce springsteen before (admittedly not super frequently but also often enough that i think i have 2-3 videos of it happening). ok actually im looking at a dad rock list and. what do you mean people havent danced to queen at parties. or the killers? or the fratellis? no chelsea dagger or henrietta? no american pie at 2am when youre so tired you can hardly keep your eyes open but youre leaning on your friends and swaying enough to call it dancing so it's ok?? no the boys are back in town???

#alcohol ment #check please #idk why i have such a need to correct the record on people's ideas of college parties full of athletes but #i just Do #i have literally exited out of fics bc the inaccuracies took me so far out of my ability to suspend my disbelief #it's a me problem!! im aware #this isn't to say dex and/or jack wouldnt get banned from aux #they totally would #but the reasons would not be the above

[pink-booty-butts]

negative and whiny ramble under the cut, please ignore if you're not comfortable with that!!

ugh ok i really fucking hate talking about my feelings or being negative in general but i've kinda been feeling like this for a while so i feel like i need to just put it out there so i can go back to being happy lmao

highkey I kinda feel like I spend so much time focusing/putting effort into this fandom but idk really if anyone cares about my presence or me in general and it's kinda discouraging. I'm not saying that to ask for sympathy/validation, but rather to express that I'm probs going to only write if someone sends me a request for a while cos putting all this effort into coming up with ideas/writing fics on my own is not really vibing atm, honestly the past few weeks everyday i've just been staring at a blank doc when i get home from work lmao

even though i've mentioned being busy, I kinda have a decent amount of free time to work on fics or chat but it kinda feels like no one really cares, and my perspective is why would I put effort into something if no one cares ya know? bc of that i tend to favor doing or participating in things where i feel more appreciated or seen, like I'd rather focus my energy into other goals or people that do care. whenever I take time to write fics I'm actively pushing those people away or putting less time into other goals i want to achieve in order to do so, and while I do enjoy writing very much there's no need for me to post it on this blog or interact in this fandom if no one cares. if people don't like my work then that's fine, but also there's not really any point in me posting fics or taking time to write if people don't really find my stuff interesting.

i feel really bad for saying this, but sometimes i kinda feel like people only really care about me/what i have to say when im cheering them on or supporting them & their work. of course i genuinely mean all of the things i say when i do that and i dont want people to think i expect the same energy from them because i dont, but when the only response i get from people is related to me doing that it kinda feels like people only care about me being their cheerleader. i've tried telling myself that it's okay to be treated that way bc i do want to encourage everyone, i think everyone in this fandom makes amazing things and has fantastic ideas!! but i think at this point its starting to get to me bc i just don't really feel valued or like people care about the stuff i put out. and if thats the case then i should probably just stick to sending people compliments and reblogging everyone else's work as opposed to putting effort into a space where i am not wanted, bc im tired of constantly feeling like i have to put more and more effort in, berating myself for not being friendly enough or not being positive enough or being too annoying or mean, and then i go back to my coping mechanism of trying to bury all of my negative emotions and be a happy little robot friend to everyone (which i have been trying very hard to not do this past year or so bc it honestly ruined my life)

that being said, as I said earlier I'll write stuff if people send requests but I'm probably not going to post any original fics for a while. I have some stuff I've been wanting to write and a lot of wips so I might come back or post some stuff even if no one sends me any requests, but if i just disappear/ghost then this is probably why haha

#rants n rambles #very sorry in advance if this hurts anyones feelings bc thats not my intention!! #i just really needed to get this off my chest bc its kinda been bugging me for a hot minute #i think you're all amazing and wonderful people!! #i promise i mean it!!

[anothermansjeans]

I posted 1,566 times in 2022

910 posts created (58%)

656 posts reblogged (42%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@anothermansjeans

@openheart12

@writingquillsandpainpills

@meganskane

@samuel-de-champagne-problems

I tagged 1,221 of my posts in 2022

Only 22% of my posts had no tags

#anne marie shut up pls :) - 549 posts

#anne marie answers - 214 posts

#tw rose - 92 posts

#i can be me without queue - 51 posts

#my beefy moofy contact chewing love bug - 46 posts

#my beefy moofy love bug - 35 posts

#harry styles - 34 posts

#anne marie plays wordle - 34 posts

#ask game - 31 posts

#anne marie plays taylordle - 29 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#like you’re allowed to have your opinions— trust me i have mine— but if it’s something that’s legitimately just mean dont fucking go around

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

L O L can you do 1&2 with spencer reid? 2 literally made me laugh out loud

fun fact: when i made prompt #2 it was originally the basis of a concept i had for another one shot that i never wrote LMAO so thank you for requesting it!!

pairing: spencer reid x gn!reader

masterlist | wc: .6k | prompt list

++

You and Spencer had been sprawled on his bed, staring at one another with smiles plastering your faces. Nights like these were your favorite. You’d go on a date, get back to one of your places, and have the most passionate night before admiring each other and falling asleep.

Tonight though, your mind wasn’t ready for sleep right away.

You thought about how you met at a bar six months ago, how you’ve been dating for four of those six months, and how no matter how much time has passed, you felt nothing but love for him.

Unknowingly to you, the expressions on your face were very telling, and you didn’t have to say a word for Spencer to see the amount of love that was coming from you, and as much as his heart jumped at the thought of you loving him the same way he so desperately loves you, he was scared.

He was scared that he’d break your heart. He was scared that his baggage will affect you just as much as it affects him. He was scared that once you said those words that couldn’t be taken away so easily, that once you put your heart on the line, he was going to be the one inevitably making you put your guard up. So, as soon as he saw the deep breath you took, and the way your lips formed the forbidden three word, eight letter sentence, his eyes widened in panic.

“I lo—”

His hand shot up in a stop motion, “wait, before you love me…”

Your jaw dropped open at the sudden outburst, and you gave a small nod, “o…kay?”

“I’m a mess. My life is a mess. My head is a complete mess and I just wanted you to know that before you decided to actually say it… I know we’ve been together for some time but I just… yeah.”

Spencer didn’t know what reaction he was expecting from you, but it sure as hell wasn’t laughter. After a minute he began to deflate, obvious rejection on his face, but as soon as you caught it, you abruptly stopped.

“Spencer, I’m laughing because I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone this much.” His furrowed brows and tilted head caused you to let out a sigh and trace his jawline. “Sweetie, I know you’re a mess. That’s actually one of the biggest things I love about you. Your job is horrid and I couldn’t imagine doing what you do, so embrace that mess, because that mess helped save so many lives.”

“Okay, you're allowed to love me now.”

A chuckle left your lips, “that’s all it took? I had to acknowledge that you’re a complete mess of a human being?”

His soft laughter filled the silence once you were done speaking, and he grabbed onto the hand that had been on his jaw. “Yes, actually. You didn’t just brush it off or try to say that I wasn’t. No one’s ever done that.”

“That’s good to know. Anytime you need me to call you out like that, let me know.”

He just about completely ignored the words from your mouth for a moment as he looked at you with the most mesmerizing smile. “I absolutely love you too, by the way.”

“I know…” his raised eyebrow prompted you to continue. “You didn’t want me putting my love out on the line without fully knowing what I was getting into. You weren’t selfish. That’s all the proof I need.”

“You could become a profiler with those observation skills.”

Once again, a laugh erupted from your chest. “I think I’ll save that to the very smart man next to me.”

The two of you shared another laugh before going in for one last kiss— a kiss that felt like a promise for so many things to come of this relationship— a kiss that made the both of you know that Spencer Reid’s life, mess and all, would do nothing but make your love stronger, never weaker.

++

permanent tag list: @wandasylvie @averyhotchner @ssa-m-187 @nomajdetective @pastelbabygirl19 @cacoetheswriting @nyx2021 @openheart12

spencer x reader: @sultrypotter @goose-eats-god

want to be added to a list? tag list form

115 notes - Posted March 1, 2022

#4

“I have this problem. I don’t want to feel things for you but at the same I have this need to be near you 24/7.” with spence and fem or gn!reader please 🥺

pairing: spencer reid x gn!reader

masterlist | wc: .6k | prompt list

++

Everything was going wrong. Absolutely, irrevocably, wrong. When you joined the BAU, you planned to focus on nothing but work— sure, you could be friends with your coworkers, but you refused to go into “best friend” territory.

And oh, how much better this would all be if it was just “best friend” territory that you found yourself stumbling into… no, this was worse. You were… feeling things? For your coworker? For Spencer Reid?

You think back to where it began; a case in Washington required you and Spencer to go undercover together as a couple. It was actually something you were looking forward to. Spencer was kind and smart and you knew any time you worked with him the job would get done. You think it was the close proximity that made your stomach the home to multiple butterflies. Or it could’ve been the way he made sure you were always safe, putting you first. Or maybe it was the way he would occasionally make a small joke to calm any nerves you had and you couldn’t help but actually laugh because… well, because you found him to be one of the funniest people you’ve met.

So yeah, you were screwed.

Because of these feelings and thoughts and overall fondness you suddenly found in him, you decided avoidance was the best option. If you didn’t talk to him or left at any opportunity when he entered a room, it would be easy to try and get over whatever you’re feeling. Or so you thought.

Apparently subtlety wasn’t your strong suit, and everyone could see right through you. Because of this, Hotch very clearly assigned you and Spencer to work on the geographical profile together, leaving the two of you alone for multiple uncomfortable hours.

There wasn’t much noise going on in the room as you both looked over files, marking on the map every now and then, only the occasional shuffle coming from Spencer when he would shift in his seat. About 30 minutes in though, you heard the clearing of this throat before he spoke up for the first time.

“Have I done anything… uh, anything to you? Because it seems as though there’s a problem between us and I promise if I did something it wasn’t intentional. I just—”

“Reid,” you began, cutting him off and causing him to actually look at you, “we don’t have a problem. I do. I um, I have this problem. I don’t want to feel things for you but at the same I have this need to be near you 24/7. So I just… thought that by not being near you, it would… go away.”

“You… feel things for me?”

“Let’s not make it a big thing, okay?” You bit on your bottom lip, looking back down at the paper in front of you until his voice caused you to once again look his way.

“I don’t necessarily see it as a problem.” The lifting of your eyebrow prompted him to continue. “I mean, I too want to be near you, and I’m also feeling… things, but it’s not a problem for me. Quite the opposite, actually.”

Your face flushed at his confession, and you sat up straighter. This really wasn’t in your plan when you joined the BAU, but now thinking about it more— the idea that Spencer feels the same thing for you as you do for him… it didn’t… feel too bad. “Okay, um, well maybe one day, you can take me out and… help me see that this really isn’t a problem…”

As soon as the words left your mouth, Spencer quickly nodded his head. Now, with a heat rising on both of your faces, you each went back to work in silence, but this time it wasn’t uncomfortable, and you couldn’t help but wonder what was in store for you after this case.

++

permanent tag list: @wandasylvie @averyhotchner @ssa-m-187 @nomajdetective @pastelbabygirl19 @cacoetheswriting @nyx2021 @openheart12

spencer x reader: @sultrypotter @goose-eats-god

want to be added to a list? tag list form

123 notes - Posted February 27, 2022

#3

“i don’t want to bother you. seriously, it’s all just… it’s a lot.”

thank you for sending one!!

pairing: spencer reid x gn!reader

content warning: mentions of maeve plot line, mentions of stalker (relating to case)

wc: .9k | masterlist | enemies to lovers prompts

++

Spencer was having a really bad day. Well, not just day, more like week. The current case the team had been gifted with revolved around a stalking situation involving a young brunette, and the motive clearly being jealousy. To say it was hitting a little too close to home for him was an understatement. Not only was the case making him a wreck, but you, the newer-but-not-so-new agent had been down his neck all week as well, clearly sensing his bad attitude.

When you first joined the team, Spencer thought the two of you would get on well, but then when he was mid-ramble, giving statistics and leading up to a big discovery in your first case, you cut him off, beating him to the punch (you swore it wasn’t intentional and the words just slipped out of your mouth from pure excitement over the finding, but he didn’t really believe it, being one to get cut off a lot). So since that day, he was nothing but short with you, and if he had to work with you for periods of time longer than five minutes, he quickly became agitated.

Now, in the current case with the way you would send him worried glances, the agitation was there, but it was quickly turning into defeat— tired from the constant nagging in his brain about his past and how similar it felt right now. He was alone in the precinct’s conference room, head down with his palms pressing into his eyes, willing himself to get over it and focus on the file in front of him when you poked your head in the room.

“Um, hey, Spencer.”

The sound of your voice caused a sigh to slip his lips and he sat up, turning towards you with an unamused look. “What? What do you want?”

Whenever Spencer acted this way towards you, there was alway this fire that would start in the pit of your stomach, and you wanted nothing more than to serve right back what he originally dished out. But you never did. You never did because despite the way he could have an attitude to your disliking, you saw the Spencer that would brightly talk to Penelope, or the Spencer that would endure Morgan’s teasing, or even the Spencer that looked after Henry and showed nothing but love for the kid. However, that didn’t stop the eye rolling or scoffs you’d let out, making sure he knew you were aware of the blatantly rude behavior— there was only so much you could take.

You took a timid step into the room before closing the door behind you, and you crossed your arms over your body, “I was just checking up on you. You’ve been on your own a lot”.

He could see the sincerity in your eyes, and he didn’t know whether he hated or appreciated it. “I- it’s uh, it’s nothing. I’m fine.”

“Spencer, you’re clearly not okay. I know I’m probably the last person you want to talk to about this, but I can tell something’s up. I mean, you’ve been so in your head during this case that you’ve barely said one snarky remark towards me.”

At that, he let out a scoff. You were right. Despite the feeling of annoyance he’s felt from your glances the whole time, he hasn’t actually said anything to you regarding them. Taking a moment to himself, he spoke quietly, “I don’t want to bother you. Seriously, it’s all just… it’s a lot.”

You ended up taking the seat next to him, relishing in the way he softly spoke to you— noting that this was probably the second time since you’ve known him that he’s used this tone with you. “It’s not a bother if I’m asking. We’re a team and… no matter what you may think of me, I care about your well-being.”

Spencer then decided that he not only appreciated the sincerity he caught earlier, but loved it.

“Um, a- a couple years ago, I had this… woman, Maeve. Now that I’m saying it I honestly don’t really know what we were, but I loved her, she also had a stalker who was jealous. Wanted what she had— what we had, I guess.” He paused for a moment to look up at you, and noticed unshed tears ready to fall onto your cheeks, “the current victim, um, she resembles Maeve a little bit, and with the way things ended with her I just—” Spencer had cut himself off before he could get too choked up, but at the same moment you threw your arms around his shoulders, squeezing him in a tight hug.

“I’m so sorry”, your voice full of sympathy, “about Maeve and for hugging you without asking… I just thought you needed it.”

He let out a short laugh and sniffled, wrapping his arms around your waist and squeezing you back. “No, no. I did need it. Thank you.”

The two of you stayed there for another moment before splitting apart. “So, do you want me to leave you alone now”, you asked with humor in your voice while wiping your cheeks, and then leaning over to swipe a lone tear that fell below Spencer’s eye.

He was shocked for a second before clearing his throat, “um, no, I uh, I actually have an idea on how to find the unsub but I think it would be easier to talk through my theory with you before deciding if it’s the best option.”

Giving him a smile, you nodded your head and pulled the file that was in front of him over to you. Spencer just watched the way your eyes scanned the paper for a moment, feeling his heartbeat race a bit. Something between the two of you clicked, and he wasn’t quite sure what it was, but that something made him feel good— happy.

++

permanent tag list: @athenaofathens @averyhotchner @ssa-m-187 @nomajdetective @pastelbabygirl19 @cacoetheswriting @nyx2021 @openheart12

spencer x reader: @sultrypotter @goose-eats-god

want to be added? tag list form

153 notes - Posted February 9, 2022

#2

from the friends to lovers prompt list, “do you think they feel the same?” and “Have you ever thought about…us? Y’know, as an…item?” are two sentences that Spencer Reid would definitely say out loud the awkward dork

ohh yes, love awkward dorky spencer!!

pairing: spencer reid x gn!reader

prompt list || wc: .6k

++

“Do you think they feel the same?”

The abrupt question came from Spencer as he, Penelope, and Emily all stood around the coffee machine. His eyes had been set on you the whole time they had been over there, watching as you went through multiple files.

“Did you just… admit to liking Y/N?” Penelope’s question was laced with hope, looking between him and where you sat.

“Well, I…” a sigh escaped his lips, “I figured everyone except for Y/N knew… so why not just ask the question I’ve been wanting to know for a long time.”

There was a silent moment between the three of them… too silent, and when Spencer looked over at the pair, the shock was evident on their faces.

“…what?”

Shaking themselves out of their current state, Penelope’s lips turned upward into the hopeful smile that was previously on her face. “Honestly, Spencer, I’m surprised you haven’t—”

“I think you should be the one to ask them.” Emily’s bluntness caused Penelope’s mouth to shut.

“R-really?” he looked between the two watching them nod in encouragement. “I’m uh, not really sure.”

“Reid, the only way you’ll get answers to your questions is if you ask the right people. The right person for your question just so happens to be Y/N.”

It took him another moment to really consider it. This was you they were talking about. The person who accepted Spencer for who he was since his first day at the BAU. The person who always volunteers to go see foreign films with him. The person he fell in love with because, well, because life seemed to want to throw that cliche at him— him falling in love with his best friend. But Emily was right. Logically speaking, if you want a question answered truthfully, you have to ask the person who actually knows the answer. You were that person.

He got up without saying another word, and made his way over to you, and the moment you sensed his presence, you looked up at him with a smile. “Hey, Spence.”

“Hey.”

“Are we still on for tonight? I’ll make sure to bring over any snacks you want.”

Oh yeah, the two of you were supposed to watch movies at his place. Spencer really hoped the next couple of minutes wouldn’t make it too awkward to the point where that didn’t happen.

“Yeah, yeah. I was uh,” he looked around the bullpen, seeing everyone minding their own business— well, except for Emily and Penelope that is— “I was thinking, and was wondering something…”

“Wondering something” you questioned, closing whatever file you have opened so that your full attention was on him.

“Yeah it’s just… have you ever, uh, have you ever thought about… us? Y’know, as an… item?”

With your elbows perched on your desk, you rested your chin on your hands, “Spencer?”

“Mhmm?” He suddenly wanted to look anywhere but at you.

“I have most certainly thought about it. I think about it quite a lot.”

Now he was looking at you. Eyes wide and jaw dropped, he was speechless.

“So,” you began after a reasonable amount of quietness between the two of you, “does that… make you wanna ask any other questions?”

He quickly nodded his head before a blush appeared on his cheeks, and he cleared his throat. “Would you like to go on a date with me? Tonight! We can still watch movies like we planned, but I can order dinner and we can talk beforehand and generally, it can be more… intimate than any other movie night. I want to make it special.”

The smile on your face was one he was familiar with, only this time it looked ten times brighter. “That sounds like an amazing night. I would love to, Spence.”

See the full post

257 notes - Posted January 31, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

karma

pairing: Aaron Hotchner x fem!reader (she/her pronouns)

warnings: none!

word count: 946

a/n: it’s been 84 years… but ANYWAY… miss taylor swift has infiltrated my mind once again and i just had to a fic inspired by karma because it’s one of my favorite songs on midnights! im sorry if it’s a little rushed (its currently 1:16 a.m when i write this but i am also excited about it)! i also apologize for any mistakes!

inspiration: karma by taylor swift

masterlist

++

Aaron Hotchner has been through a lot. Between being stabbed, hearing his ex-wife being murdered, being blown up, and having to go into witness protection with his kid, you would think he would be a cynical man, but recently that’s changed. He now believes in karma.

It was a year after leaving witness protection when he had his first dose of good karma. He took Jack to a bakery after school and the woman behind the counter offered them each a free cookie since it was the “bakery’s birthday”. It was trivial, he knows, but the way the woman’s eyes lit up when both him and Jack praised the treat made him feel good. It was a feeling that was always fleeting in the past, but this feeling seemed to stay.

It stayed because the next week when he took Jack to the same bakery, the same woman was standing at the counter and had an even brighter smile when she saw them. This time, the visit went a little differently. After he and Jack had gotten their baked goods for the day and started to head out, he stopped at the sound of her voice calling out to him.

“Sir, you left your card!”

He didn’t have time to walk back up to the counter, because she was making her way up to him, and the moment her hand slightly touched his, he swore his body was shocked with one of the most intense feelings.

And he knew she felt it too, her eyes said it all.

“Um… h-have a nice day…?” She trailed off, not knowing his name.

“Aaron”, he responded, giving her a nod. “You too…”

She stared into his eyes for a moment longer before leaving her trance due to the sound of the be above the door ringing. “Y/N.”

“Y/N… have a nice day Y/N.”

That was his second dose of good karma.

The third time karma was in his favor happened a lot sooner than anyone would ever expect. He was alone the next time he went into the bakery— Jack having an after school activity— and when he saw Y/N at the counter she looked more nervous than happy to see him.

“Hi!” Her voice was pitchy, and she fiddled with her fingers as he got closer. “No uh… Your son— I’m assuming— isn’t with you today?”

“No, no. Jack had a school thing. I still wanted to pick something up for him, though.” And then they continued their routine— talking about the specials, picking out two to three treats, paying for it, and saying goodbye. The only difference was… Aaron stayed a minute longer.

She told him to have a nice day, he said the same, but he stood there, standing at the counter, wanting to stay in her presence just a moment longer. He didn’t know how weird it looked until after they stared each down for a good minute, proceeded by her clearing her throat.

“Is there um, anything else… that I can help you with?”

“No… no.” He tried to stay stoic, but he saw her face slightly fall, and he felt something in his stomach make the same movement.

“Okay, well you probably have someone waiting for you—”

“Actually, there is something.” He cut her off, knowing exactly what she had been implying, but he didn’t want her thinking that. “I want to take you out. On a date.”

It was impulsive, and Aaron Hotchner didn’t do impulsive. Until that moment apparently.

She looked shocked at first, but a delicate smile danced on her lips seconds later, and she grabbed a napkin, writing her number down and giving it to him. He used it almost immediately when he got home.

They had gone on several dates after that. So many that they were officially together, and the next step was to tell Jack, which coincidentally was Aaron’s fourth strike of karma.

See the full post

441 notes - Posted October 24, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #my most liked fic this year being my hotch one #so true besties

[blurrycow]

ok so i ended up watching the first three episodes w out my friends because I couldn’t wait (I feel bad now but aaaaaaa) and this is what I learned

- Diego is a shit dad: probably because he never really had a good model to look up to as a kid. I was surprised that his kid was white???? and not adopted??? How does a desi person and a hispanic person have a white biological child????? Please explain, netflix good lord

- on the related note of the child, stanley, he’s fucking fantastic. Kid can make a hell of a molotov cocktail. 

- Reggie is... surprisingly sad this season? He looked kind of like a drowned rat and I almost felt bad for him then i remembered that he locked Klaus in a maloseum

- I expected to like Sloane but she’s kind of manipulative. I don’t know what to think of her.

- Luther acted high the entire time but maybe that’s just how he usually is, I don’t remember. I haven’t watched the other seasons in a long time

- They handled Viktor’s coming out very very well! I loved the different reactions. My brother was talking when Viktor came out to Allison so I didn’t get to hear it, but I especially loved how enthusiastic Luther was about it. 

- Five!!!!!! Five five five. I missed seeing him so so so much. I’m so glad he’s back. I loved how he was able to take a step back and just enjoy! I also found it funny how it was the complete opposite than it was in my World’s Largest Ball Of Twine fic- in the fic, Five was on a mission, and Klaus just wanted to see some sights, so he was the one who yanked the wheel into the exit. In the actual episode, the roles were completely reversed!!! 

- Lila my beloved!!!! She is so so pretty. I will never not find it funny how she and Five can go from killing each other to casual conversation. (Also, the plaid skirt fit???? that was hot as fUCK) (Id let her kill me in a heartbeat) (maybe im just depressed though)

-I am so so so so glad that they are finally letting Allison lose her shit. SHE HAS BEEN THROUGH A HELL OF A LOT OF STUFF!!!! SHE DESERVES TO LOSE IT IF SHE WANTS!!!! and she does and thats fucking fantastic!!! Im so glad for her!!!!!

- klaus’s aunt was only in the show for like a brief two scenes but she’s awesome i love her

- Ben is an asshole, lmao

- I wish Marcus hadn’t died! You theorists got it right. I’m disappointed but not surprised. 

- I know Grace was religious in the comics but not THIS RELIGIOUS JESUS CHRIST WHAT HAPPENED TO THE ICONIC ‘HARGREEVES IS NOT GOD’ PANEL??? Grace honey the kugelblitz is not your lord and savior 

- (Gerard Way, please see a therapist)

- my immediate thought was JAYME THE RAINWING but she’s actually got a super cool power. The dance scene had me in literal tEARS

- on that note Five’s scene with Dolores!! Jayme that was cruel. 

- (does anyone else know what he was saying to Dolores? I know it was italian but I don’t know italian) 

- Alphonso was pretty cool! HOW on earth did all you fanfic writers predict the voodoo doll thing???? 

- HARLAN. I GUESSED HIM AS SOON AS I SAW THE CASSETTES. It made me so happy to see him!!! I missed him!!!! 

- AND ALSO MR. PENNYCRUMB. I saw the collar and immediatley went “THATS HIM THATS MY DOG” and he didnt end up belonging to Five but its oKAy (and then he fucking DIED)

- Luther child. people know what condoms are

- Christopher is so weird wtf. he dont even got a personality he just a cube

- if i have more notes ill reblog this post but i dont remember them rn

#tua season 3 spoilers #the umbrella academy season 3 spoilers #tua3 spoilers #the umbrella academy spoilers #i felt really bad watching it without my friends so im not gonna watch more until they get home #which will probably be abt a week #ive watched enough that i dont feel left out which was mainly the problem #tua #the umbrella academy #the umbrella academy s3

[diavorchid]

Vyn Richter vs. Jack Seward

finally let myself sit down, think, and write this :D thanks @gabriel-shutterson for the vindication

here goes:

a) obvious:

doctor/psychiatrist

do a journal entry each day with a voice recorder

Jack owns a private asylum at 29 and Vyn (co-)owns a research & treatment centre at 27; both owning their own foundation at a young age

i think they're both still doing research? Vyn is a professor and Jack did want to make a breakthrough to help people

b) deeper:

Vyn's trope is love at the first sight. Jack falls in love with anyone in 5m radius that stays with him lol

...submissive. Jack "in our old adventures, quincey gave instructions and (arthur and) i followed" Seward and Vyn 2nd Anniversary SSR for the obvious one (tho it's always been there..👀)

there's this theme of Jack trying to prevent himself going on a path bc he knows it's where madness lies, he even questions he may even be mad; in Vyn top-up ssr iirc he has a friend who killed themselves and that friend loved their partner so much that it turned him possessive and hurt them, Vyn was shaken by this and afraid of what his love could become.

related to prev point, Jack's way of doing things is risky and sometime even borderline dangerous when he gives in to his curiosity; there's this conversation between Vyn and Darius in his PS Ch.3 where Darius disagreed with Vyn's way bringing MC to a dangerous PUA. [ss below] like, for both, the inclination is there.

difficulty in showing vulnerable side; Jack, in text, dictates men this women that but his actions shows that it's as if he's clinging desperately to follow that notion while fighting back his emotions, which eventually gets let out either way (worth nothing that what we've read is watered down, filtered version; and it still shows); early Vyn was.. let's talk about False Tears. i still think the best interpretation is, yes the emotion is there, and yes he exaggerates it to be comforted, BUT! only because he didn't think he deserved to be comforted (i dont think i explain this well but i can't remember where to find the old thread that actually did lol sorry). also, you know his worldview on broken things that got challenged in <Mended Hearts>? i do think it stems from his vulnerability and helplessness at his own incapability to help.

c) misc.:

early fandom experience is more or less the same lmaoo. oh to be a vyn stan at the start (~first 3 months was severe lol then again there are still. some. yk.) of tot glb... (it wasn't fun)

...daddy issues. vyn is canon while jack is (stolen) hc in the way that a lot of things about his character would make sense

crack time but they would not get along if they ever meet. only surface politeness.

they're both good with their hands; Jack with lock-picking and Vyn with crafting.

lastly, I'd say that before that modern au Jack would be close to Vyn in likeliness, but will never be like him because Vyn's self-confident and while he exudes a poor little meow meow vibes a bit, Jack's too much of a wet cat pathetic man.

---

may or may not add things later (probably no bc this is alr my 2nd time writing this, the other one somehow got lost😭); as expected I'm not eloquent enough to write this kind of things lmao

(ps. i saw your edit on the ask reblog, and don't worry i didn't even think to include that and don't really consider it to be comparison(?))

#dracula daily #jack seward #tears of themis #vyn richter #my post

[tklpilled]

ty for the tag @cantsaythetword <3

fandom faves of the year !!

favourite new fandom: i guess bsd considering i've been hyperfixated since april LMAO but mp100 is also a vv good one!!

favourite new ships: skk, satosugu, and akiangel

favourite anime/tv show: chainsaw man !!

favourite movie: the only good ones i watched didn't come out this year so. none

favourite character: do Not make me choose i'll cry

favourite soundtrack: the csm soundtrack goes So hard

favourite book/manga/comic: TGCF OMG i havent even finished it (if anyone knows where i can read the whole thing translated i'll love you) but its so good

favourite game: i dont think i played any that came out this year!! been wanting to play legends arceus though

highlight of the year: i am forgetting literally Everything that happened this year. reigen sans queen of england was definitely a fun one though

community faves !!

favourite tumblr moment: goncharov was certainly a time

favourite fanart: this, this, this, this, and this are some :)

favourite fic: oh this one is. very hard .... but some that i find myself revisiting often are -if we're being honest by thequeenofwhump -now and forever (and before then, too) by radstarmuffin -difficult patient by stargazingly -birthday tickles for the child(e) by anonymous

favourite ask game: gonna be honest i remember absolutely zero of the ones i reblogged

top achievement as a creator: i hit 500 followers !! which is so cool ily guys

best fic of mine: in terms of impressions, on ao3 it was looking out for you and here it was kiss me hard before you go, which is wild because i wrote it last week, but if we're talking fic that im most proud of, im a fan of my akiangel drabble here

most underappreciated fic of mine: dandelion didn't do very well on ao3 </3

post that got more popularity than expected: that akiangel fic. what the hell

something on my blog i changed: my layout. numerous times.

next year !!

something i didn't do this year but would like to next year: commissions!! i plan on opening them soon :D

goals for next year: i feel like i didn't write much this year until these past few months, so writing more!!

2023 releases i'm looking forward to: botw2 definitely!! as well as the new seasons for bsd, jjk, tgcf, and sxf :)

spreading love !!

shoutout to people who made my year better: of course all of my friends and partners!! i love you all sm <3 and shoutout to those mutuals i don't regularly talk to but we're still chilling together

(too nervous to tag anyone so just go for it lmao)

#kaz speaks #tag game

[crowhyun]

hi! i hope you're doing well <33

ive never sent an ask but ive been reading your works for a year now and i just wanted to write you a lil love letter (if this sounds selfless, i assure you it's not, i just need more level infinity chapters /j)

Dear Crow,

You're an exceptional writer. You're a bit younger than me but have a way with words and flow that suggests you're older than you are and it's always a joy to read your works. Your mind???? You create the funniest stuff. No one else could write your fics like you do. If level infinity was in anyone else's hands it wouldn't hit the same. I've read a good number of your personal rant posts and I just wanna tell you that you are strong and worthy of love and time 💞. You're in those late teen years where you're trying hard to build yourself up for your future and are doing so well despite what life throws at you. Get out there and show them what a black girl with fam issues can do (friendly quip, i was once that girl 😙).

Now onto your fics.....whooo weeee buckle in. First, since I've mentioned it many times, Level Infinity. Those round, dynamic characters?? You go girl. After reading a new chapter I'm probably thinking about LI!soobin for days (i have such a crush on him and how you've written him lmfaooo). You're doing so well so far and I can't wait to see what happens next!!

I'm actually gonna dedicate a new paragraph to one of my top 5 soobin fics of all time... *drumroll* "My Pet Bloodsucker". Ask me to describe how much I love this fic and you'll get: "hbsdhjbjhdsbjhsHE'SCUTEsjhbjhsdbjANDPOUTYsbjhsbdj, Witches and vampires hello??? lez goooo, so good" Like gen. One of my fav soobin characterizations (also sub soobin >>>>>>>>>) And their relationship turns so cute. How he starts to care (a lot) about what y/n thinks and when he forgets to drink the blood bags even after his time is up. He's so cute in that fic I love it and the plot is fun and engaging.

-

So anyways, I'm trying to be what I wish someone said to me when I wrote kpop fics (opposed to just silent reading/liking) and getting to motivation back to write! Because Crow? Pick up Level Infinity I BEG.

anywho stay hydrated girlie mwah <3

HIIIIIIII! Seeing this message in my inbox made me so happy I swear to you I literally cried. It really surprises me that there are many people who really like level infinity! Like, I guess it's different bcs with my other fics, I get likes, reblogs, and maybe a few comments, but with lvl infinity, yall are REALLY supportive and yall actually talk about it, it just makes me so happy bcs I really like writing it!

I've also noticed that My Pet Bloodsucker is my first fic to reach 1000 notes and AHHHHH i've never felt this accomplished ehehhehe

I'm working on lvl infinity right now, and you can expect the next chapter to be out soon! i can't wait to see yalls reactions to the rest of the chapters lmao its gonna be so happy and fun :D

anyways, thank you so much for sending this! you're allowed to demand for me to post lvl infinity btw i really dont mind its what i need tbh lol

your wish will come true very soonnnnn <3

#crowhyun answers

[whaleofatjme1920]

Honestly, let kids be kids lmao, they can say whatever they want and when they grow up only then will they realize the depth of it

Also whats GWA i feel like i live under a boulder, i listen to nsfw audios on Youtube maybe thats why i keep finding lowkey terrible ones

And yea i feel a sense of anonymity online too, i keep a majority of my information online VERY tightly sealed because tbh i dont trust anyone, like ill share interests, my first names, face even, but im very cautious to who i send it too

Like only my brother knows i have a tumblr and tbh thank god hes not on here to see my reblogs

GWA is the subreddit that started this entire conversation because I saw TikToks of people claiming they were traumatized by an Eddie Munson x listener audio. R/gonewildaudio, Y’know where the quality tends to be a bit better and isn’t filtered to hell and back because of YouTube’s strict content policy and whatnot. Most people only know of YouTube which is why I’d like to keep GWA a bit of a secret,,,

Some of these people are full on adults claiming it 😭 like yeah it would’ve been more expected and fine for minors to be complaining but whole adults??? I’m not even talking 18 year olds I’m talking 21+ 😭

other than that, I will admit there’s a slight persona I put up on my blog. Yes it’s me, but a more exaggerated, polite and friendly version. Of course I’m those things in my day to day life but it’s just,,, different than speaking to me in a DM or in person, Y’know? Hence why I’d say most people seeing these don’t actually know me.

I would delete everything if ANYONE in my family found this.

#conversations with a fish woman #lynx time