#i feel terrible saying that now

[abirddogmoment]

Was there a moment when you and Mav first clicked? It’s been such a joy to see you guys together for the past few years, thank you for sharing your adventures with us ❤️

I'm really glad you guys asked this one because it took a really REALLY long time for me and Mav to bond for realsies.

I wanted a stable puppy for sports and I had basically no other criteria for what I wanted in a dog. Mav's breeder assigned homes at 8 weeks old so I went to pick Mav up not knowing which puppy was mine. In my mind I was picturing a little liver male so I wasn't ready when she gave me the tri puppy. I loved him, but I was reserved about it.

Mav was easygoing from day 1, but he was also ferociously independent. He didn't need me and he made that very clear. I experienced a huge learning curve, going from a dog who worshiped me to a dog who didn't care if I lived or died. I thought I wasn't cut out for Mav and I seriously debated bringing him back to his breeder for over a year.

At some point we were living in Yellowknife just the two of us and something shifted. It wasn't all at once, but one day I noticed it was easier. He was offering check ins, I could trust him in more situations, he acted according to his training, and I got better at handling him clearly. I genuinely started liking his company, he slowly turned into a "bring everywhere" dog, and we learned how to be a team. It was really something special to experience, although it was a really trying time for that first little bit.

#about mav #mav memories #he was a challenging puppy #it was really hard to see the work i put into him #but around the two year mark he started maturing #and it was like the foundations i did fell into place #and suddenly i noticed he was a really pleasant dog #i still loved him before that #but i couldve rehomed him and not felt too bad about it #i feel terrible saying that now #i shouldve loved him wholeheartedly from day 1 #but i didnt know wbat to expect and he was not what i expected #and it was challenging #but we got there #and i loved him as big as the whole world at the end #so i think that makes up for my reserved love at the beginning

[bigfatbreak]

Birds of a Feather previous / next

#my art #feralnette au #birds of a feather #long tags #sorry I went apeshit in the tags #LETS SAY IT ALL TOGETHER NOW #I - M - A - G - OOOOOOOOO #its fun drawing marinette's back to Alya and having her appear stout and unstoppable and totally logical #and then you see her face and she's like two seconds from completely snapping and is keeping it together by a thread #as a note just because mari feels very certainly abt smth doesnt mean she's right. feelings can be valid and also irrational #in the throes of grief she decided it was better to be alone than to lose someone again so she started pulling away #and lila made pulling away very very very easy to do #shes also vaguely aware she's being unfair in pinning this on alya which is why she started spinning the drain on cockmoth again #legitimately all the shit that's happened to her wouldn't have been so catastrophic if he was never in the picture and she knows it #but the bitterness of her bestie choosing a fantastic liar over her at the worst of times stiiiiiings #alya's personal timing was bad but lila really took advantage of the fact that marinette had been acting off and weird #she basically clocked marinette as being unstable from SOMETHING and made up a lie about her #knowing she wouldn't have the strength to defend herself #between her social life going tachy bc of lila and losing fu in a way that felt like personhood death marinette was really put on the spot #and alya doing her thing of busting in there and assuming her bias is correct was a terrible combo #essentially marinette is highly unstable and alya is just realizing that #busting in and giving her a lecture when she's slightly hysterical and definitely delirious from exhaustion is NOT the way #to show her she's self sabotaging #cuz thats just gonna make her double down on self sabotaging. bc marinette will not accept that she is also a CHIIIIILD

[aroaceleovaldez]

Nico and Percy's dynamic through the series is eternally funny to me, because it's just. like.

Percy's having a constant mental struggle between his fatal flaw of loyalty with a promise he made to Bianca to protect Nico, versus his Big 3 kid desire to maim other Big 3 kids / Poseidon descendant urge to totally maim Nico specifically. He hates Nico so so much. He thinks Nico's annoying and weird at best, and creepy/sketchy when he's older. The only positive thoughts Percy has towards Nico are "He's Bianca's brother and Bianca was my friend and I owe her/He's Hazel's brother and Hazel is my friend and would kill me if I was mean to him," "He's a powerful asset and useful ally (if questionable)," and "He's kinda pathetic and I feel maybe a little bad about it." Percy has multiple occasions throughout the series where he strongly considers - and on one occasionally actually goes through with - throttling Nico.

Meanwhile, Nico is following around Percy like a lost puppy. He explicitly can never bring himself to even dislike anything about Percy no matter how hard he tries. He has a whole bit in BoO where he's mentally going "UGH he's so stupid BUT IT'S ENDEARING HOW DARE HE." He's totally smitten. He's making deals with his dad for Percy. He's making convoluted plans to help Percy stand a chance against Kronos. During the entirety of BoTL it's like he's playing tsundere - "I'm helping NOT PERCY SPECIFICALLY with this quest! Me helping Percy would be SILLY because I DEFINITELY HATE HIM." Then he proceeds to show up to Percy's birthday party to basically ask him on a weird date and spend the entire next book scrambling around trying to help him or protect him or impress him. And Percy could not give less of a shit.

Just. That dynamic is so funny to me. Percy is the founder of the Nico Protection Club in that he's the one they're all protecting Nico from and meanwhile Nico is throwing himself at Percy to the point where the literal god of gay love calls him out on it.

#pjo #percy jackson #nico di angelo #Percy shows up at CJ and squints at Nico like ''hm. why do i feel like i hate you? like i just wanna punch you in the face?'' #and Nico just immediately goes ''huh no idea anyways i have to go-'' and jumps into Tartarus #but not before he gives Hazel essentially a detailed explanation of ''this is Percy i cant say much but please dont let him die <3'' #and Nico's whole Tartarus trip was basically a whole ''im doing this so no one else has to'' #only for Percy and Annabeth to fall in like one book later and Nico proceeds to spend the next book internally screaming about it #and then Cupid calls him out on it and the next book #Nico's just like ''at this point im hoping i keel over within the next week just so i can force this dumb crush to chill the fuck out'' #Nico staring pointedly at Will: ''For my own sake i need to form another crush RIGHT NOW so i can finally get over Percy.'' #''this has been so bad for my health'' #Nico's crush on Percy is just too funny to me. horrible pick my guy. terrible job. love that for you. he could not be less interested. #Percy LITERALLY TRIES TO KILL NICO and ditch him in the underworld and Nico is somehow STILL like ''but i love him'' #Percy basically chokes him. beats up his dad. tells him ''go get smited by your dad for me.'' and ditches him. #and Nico's opinions/crush on him DO NOT CHANGE #though also Nico's reaction to Percy beating up his dad + skeletons is SO funny. his jaw is on the floor. he's flustered about it. #he just witnessed Percy be incredibly hot and proceeded to go ''yea i'll do anything for this man. collect reinforcements of 3 gods? sure'' #nico you absolute DISASTER with HORRIBLE TASTE. you can do better. raise your standards. #which tbh is funnier when you factor in sun and the star. Nico just wont stop crushing on guys who dislike him and everything he stands for

[skitskatdacat63]

2023 Las Vegas Grand Prix - Qualifiying - Fernando Alonso

#half asleep making these istg #yayyyy p9? idk ig i expected him to do better #old man asleep at the wheel whats new 😴 #he was very quick w this interview i wonder if he was eager to get to bed #i certainly am rn #f1 #formula 1 #fernando alonso #2023 las vegas gp #(i wish i could atop feeling insecure abt my gifs. i do it for fun.) #(of course i want them to look somewhat good but i get a bit ill over it) #(there was somw drama on here at some point that made me want to completely stop posting then ngl) #(cause like what is the point if im not as good as others ig :/ this is kinda vague posting but it made me so uncomfortable) #(as i said. i do it for fun in quick time bcs yay jsut wanna post smth i found cute) #(but ever sincce that thing happened its just made me extremely self critical and insecure abt posting) #(idk why im saying this. kinda repressing the urge tk be like 'SRY THESE ARE TERRIBLE. YEAH.') #(i need to sleep. but i often feel like this literally every time i post now bcs some people get on their high horse and ruin people's fun) #(iykyk ig. its smth bothering me lately. but i hate to act so morose. but i still feel bad abt the quality sometimes. i guess.) #we do a little bit of f1

[loudkidsoulfreak]

If a computer like me continue to exist, it will only be used by adults to do bad things.

Detective Conan movie 6: The Phantom of Baker Street

#it have been my most favorite conan movie for over a decade #i love everything about it #ugh this movie is insanely good #it've been over 21 years #the messages really live up till now #i wouldn't say it predicted the future #rather #it feel like people have always been aware what technology like this is capable of #and how it could be used for terrible things #and we let it happen anyway #it sad tbh #oh hiroki my dear #dcmk #detective conan #detective conan movie 6 #the phantom of baker street #edogawa conan #sawada hiroki

[hood-ex]

I once read a book where a character who had just one of everything - one fork, one plate, etc. - because he considered more than that just pointless stuff he'd eventually have to move told another that she made him want to have two plates, and that might be the most Dick and Donna vibes I've ever gotten out of anything not actually about Dick and Donna.

Well now I'm thinking about Dick buying two mugs and keeping one for himself and giving the other to Donna as a gift, but Dick's mug eventually burns along with the rest of Dick's apartment during the Blockbuster fiasco, so then after Donna dies and there's a funeral reception at her apartment, Dick finds the twin mug in Donna's kitchen, and he takes it up to the roof with him and cries.

Teen Titans/Outsiders Secret Files

#god that scene is so strong bc everything diana is saying clearly reflects dick's own thoughts and feelings #he feels responsible. he should've protected her. she was his sister. she was his soulmate. #and it KILLS me like nothing else that the other titans are inside talking to each other and remembering donna #but dick is ALONE and he chooses to be alone #and that isolation is so good in the sense that it reflects dick's belief that he shouldn't be on a team. he shouldn't be with family. #he should be alone because if he's alone then he can't be responsible for anyone else dying #and it's like... #after lilith and donna died--tim asked dick what they should do now #and dick swung away from tim and said ''i don't know. but whatever it is--i think we better do it alone.'' #and fuuuuck. dc doesn't do a lot of things right but they sure as hell did This right #dick's darker/colder demeanor. his self-isolation. and all of it pointing toward lilith and donna's deaths #they made sure we knew that he was like this because of that one terrible day and it makes me insaneee #Dick Grayson #Donna Troy #the bestiiiies #anon

[thousand-sunnies]

I am *looking* at that lawlu fae au, yell about it, please. I'd love to hear moar xd

YESS TYSM FOR ASKING!!! sorry for the late response, busy irl time for a little, BUT! i have been thinking about lawlu a lot recently (i’m just about done with watching through dressrosa, so, well, you get it), and i always think fae rules make for a fascinating story, so…

namely, this train of thought was inspired by this tumblr post which i think. encapsulates the lawlu dynamic pretty well. i mean, it’s not like luffy is trying to be owned by someone, but good luck getting any sort of handle on that guy even if he’s yours by the letter of the law. and traffy already has a few markers of being a good fae in canon (tricky as hell, hiding his real name, refusing to eat certain foods lol), so it fits!

and it’s like. imagine. you’re a fae. you know how the world works for you. there’s unspoken rules and unspoken conventions and unspoken hatred coursing through your blood. there’s someone you want to tear down from his post, but it’s not easy, not with the faerie court dynamics involved. you’ve been planning this for a long, long time. it may make you want to scream, but at least the schemes you lay out make sense.

and then, right. and then this human wanders into your domain, and eats your food, and shrugs when you tell him this means he cannot leave. and sure, he’s here now, it’s – fine, whatever, as long as he doesn’t get underfoot, so you leave him to his own devices and look away.

except, right.

except you find out very quickly that he gets underfoot.

a lot. in every way you can imagine, and some ways you can’t possibly. you’ve been raised to see humans as – not inferior, maybe, but certainly easy enough to control – but now you’re suddenly forced to confront the fact that this human had – just – not been raised with the same rules that you have ingrained into your very existence. he says he’s free, and that makes no sense, because you technically own him, what freedom is there in belonging to someone like you, but he– he doesn’t live by your standards. he doesn’t do what you ask. he breaks every rule, and stomps past every line you draw, and makes no sense, and–

and. so.

he had just not been raised with the same rules that all of your kind have ingrained into their very existence, you realise, suddenly. you’re pretty sure that doflamingo knows all about your tricks, and schemes, and traps.

you’re pretty sure, however, that doflamingo is not expecting a punch to the face.

and so, maybe having a human on your side isn’t that bad after all.

#BDHDKAKSLS I HOPE THIS MAKES SENSE #this is not a well planned out story yet but i just. have many thoughts about them #lawlu #lulaw #one piece #trafalgar d water law #trafalgar law #monkey d luffy #luffy #i have also considered the opposite role assignment actually!! #trafalgar law has a Horrible Terrible No Good Very Bad Day and if the fae take him how much worse can it really get #‘can i have your name’ the fae asks. ‘trafalgar d. water law’ says trafalgar d. water law who is just so incredibly tired. #you know those sorts of vibes #but luffy doesnt reallyyy fit the traditional fae vibe so i thought of the fae law human luffy scenario more……. FOR NOW! #anyway please ask me more about this i have feelings(tm)

[annihilatius]

#v.jpg #bioshock #frank fontaine #this could have been better but honestly i was so sick of working on it i just wanted to get it done and move on #not because i don't like it but because i probably spent a solid 8 hours meticulously nitpicking over the the tiniest of details #that no one will notice or care about except me #sorry this took so long but i have other stuff i wanna make soon #(i say that and then proceed to constantly procrastinate doing it knowing i will feel terrible about it after the fact) #i should've tried giving him tattoos now that i think about it #anyway i can't wait to see what the tags on this will look like (i already know)

[zeb-z]

talking entirely character wise. do you think today was a bit of a wake up call for bad. do you think he heard red screaming out of their minds begging for toxic gas and thought about how they’ve lost their minds just a little bit. do you think that when he was given an immediate no when he asked where the red egg was to help them defend he understood how deep of a rift he created. do you think as he sat there silent while the rest of red cheered at killing the egg statue, he wondered if he could have pushed them a little too far. do you think that maybe, just maybe, with the red sun beating down on him in that desert, the gas mask team cheering and dancing, he felt for a single moment the consequences of his actions? that maybe, if he hadn’t started out so hostile with extreme tactics, if he hadn’t been so bloodthirsty and ruthless, if he had had just a little bit of hesitation, that his own attempts at diplomacy would have gone over better? that the rest of the teams would have listened? that red would have trusted his judgement on the egg statues, or at the very least respected him enough to honor an agreement? do you think he realizes that burning his bridges may have fucked him over?

#now again stressing here I’m talking about q!bad. character wise. I feel with how tense folks are getting this needs to be stressed #do you think he sees red and their tight knit unbreakable trust and their unwillingness to listen to a single thing he has to say #and considers that mayyybe he should have killed and tormented them a little less #he was told to not be afraid to run over the competition and took it to the extreme without hesitation or second thought and it’s biting him #in the ass now. because I do think that diplomatic call would have gone different between him and Cellbit had he not fucked them over so #terribly. if he hadn’t done what he had done to slime and to jaiden. if he wasn’t at their base 24/7. if he had a single ounce of tact #maybe there could have been a world where they agree to damage but not kill the eggs and honor it. but bad blew it long before that #disastrous call. he blew it day 2 when he just doubled down on his day 1 nonsense. which again that is the name of the game but yknow #consequences meet actions. and no he’s not the only one who didn’t want to kill the eggs but he’s a big reason why the deal fell through #specifically with red. in another world they could have been convinced. do damage but don’t kill. idk #again. qBBH. bless him but good god he has taken ‘whatever it takes’ to the extreme and he’s paying for it now #mcyt #qsmp #qsmp purgatory #q!bbh #z speaks

[turtledotjpeg]

This came from a randomized AU prompt involving flight attendants and characters meeting in a coffee shop - I went with the main four meeting in an off-brand airport starbucks (plus melody because I have a blorbo agenda here :P), but got thoroughly sidetracked drawing melody + pika as flight attendants haha

(gon & killua meet in the airport and quickly hit it off, but while goofing off they accidentally bowl over leorio who really needed that coffee after 18 hours in transit back to medical school

kurapika is about ready to murder leorio - not for the coffee stain, but because he didn't apologize sincerely enough - but then gon jumps in very politely and says it was his fault and he's very sorry. kurapika decides to let it go :)

some handwavey logic later and they all end up on the same plane. kurapika gives gon and killua extra bags of the little pretzels and nearly kills leorio again for trying to flirt with melody. they all have a feeling it's not the last time they'll cross paths 🙂)

#hunter x hunter #hxh #melody hxh #senritsu #i got very self-indulgent with this au lol (/ ~ \) #side cut melody is lowkey my pre-curse headcanon for her #went from having the side half of her hair to the bottom half :'D #also in this au her scars are burn scars #i went with transfem kurapika here (i think that's the right word? like trans and feminine but not necessarily binary female) #kurapika is kind of schrödinger's gender headcanon to me (as in‚ all of them at once unless i need to choose for a given scenario) #self-indulgently made her a gal here but that's not to say canon krpk wouldn't absolutely wear this outfit too (he 100% would) #...i think i'm now deep enough in the wall of tags to admit. that in my heart this is a kurasen au #kurapika took the job to (somehow) gain intel on this universe's version of the kurta massacre and #melody helps her keep her sanity in customer service hell (and vice-versa tbh) #(nostrade owns the airline. i have a terrible feeling that the neon of this au is out there piloting passenger jets on instinct alone)

[sciderman]

How do you feel about the increase in really weird NSFW ads on here (advertising panels that look like sexual encounters, and AI art apps that pride themselves on porn) but will take down NSFW posts from their users, even if it isn't technically sexual.

i hate all social media and it's consistent prioritising the advertisers over the users and the internet simply was a better place before capitalism sunk its hooks into it

#i could write essays about how capitalism ruined the internet. #i was actually talking to someone earlier today about how youtube was kind of effectively ruined by monetisation. #and they were raised in the soviet union and we had a bit of a talk about how art was better because it wasn't for profit. #the people who made art made it because they wanted to do it and because they loved it. #she said that communism was terrible for every aspect of life for her. people's lives under communism wasn't pretty. #but the art was better. and i feel like it's true for the internet – it was better when it was a free-for-all. #the companies didn't know how to exploit it yet and turn it into a neverending profit-driven hellscape. #people created content because they wanted to. because they wanted to make something silly to make people laugh. #not for profit. not for gain. not for numbers. not to further their career. #i miss the days of newgrounds and youtube before monetisation. #capitalism has soiled everything that's joyful and good in this world. #people should be able to share whatever they want. #people should be able to tell any story they want without the fear of being silenced by advertisers. #that's what made the internet so beautiful before. anyone could do anything and we all had equal footing. #but now we're victims of the algorithm. and it makes me sick. #i'm quitting my job in social media. i'm quitting it. it makes me too depressed. i have an existential crisis every freaking day. #every day i wake up and say "ah. this is the fucking hell we live in #i'm so sorry i feel so passionate about this. #social media is a black hole and it is actively destroying humanity. forget ai. social media is what's doing it. #i miss how beautiful the internet used to be. it should've been a tool for good. but it's corrupt and evil now. #sci speaks

[seiwas]

iwaizumi tells you that if those barbell hip thrusts aren’t making your legs shake the same way he does, then you aren’t doing it right 😔

#he says it to u when u ask him INNOCENTLY how to tell if ure doing it correctly while on the drive back home #and he says it while making a turn by a stoplight so he isnt even looking at u when he says it . so casually . u spit out ur drink #and when he watches u do it in the gym next time u make eye contact and r reminded of it SO MUCH u dont think u can concentrate #iwaizumi x reader #iwaizumi hajime x reader #but ofc u have to . bc he’s staring at u . waiting for u to do it . and iwaizumi everywhere else is ur loving bf #but in the gym he’s Actually your Living Hell 😭 #so u do it . and u shake . TERRIBLY . like he has to help get the barbell off u . and by the end of leg day your legs feel like JELLO #u get out of the gym and he actually has to carry u to d car otherwise you’d be limping for the rest of the afternoon #and the MENACE that he is . COMPLETELY INCONSIDERATE (just this once) . makes ur legs shake even more that night 😭 #(gets absolutely TURNED ON by u killing it at the gym) #everytime i step into the gym i have iwa thoughts and it kiLLS me #iwa hours open again rn so sorry 😭 gonna head back out now ………… #i mEAAAAAANNN WHAAAAAAAATTTT i didnt write this #bye #hajime #rated #shotorus.bubble

[realbeefman]

i'm a cis woman, but in the past few years i've developed a habit of headcanoning any male character i relate to as a trans women, beginning a fic trying to explore that, and then miserably falling short as i can never figure out how to end the story. i've recently joined a new fandom and started my most recent attempt at writing this ever-elusive character interpretation i've been trying to explain for years. and it occurs to me that maybe the reason i keep trying to interpret these characters i relate to as women and failing to, is because i'm trying to project the wrong experience. because i think that conclusion i can never fully bring myself to write isn't one about coming to terms with womanhood and embracing that identity, but about coming to terms with being a man.

so tldr im a trans man and this is a coming out post.

#shaking a little bit writing this but like. i dont know. #ive felt. alone a lot and ive been very scared of actually doing anything to make myself happy for a lot of my life #and ive felt a lot of shame about particularly. i dont know. #i feel a lot of shame in general #but about my gender. about feeling like i cant transition because i dont want to do it the way you see in media #and that its cool for other people to be gnc and trans and present however they want but #that itd be wrong for me. that id be faking #and i dont know i think im tired of running from it #im acting like this is some terrible truth. like this is an unspeakable evil i would inflict on the world by doing something that could mak #me happy. make me feel comfortable #i dont want that shame anymore #i never deserved it #anyways. i like the name angus. please call me angus from now on although autumn is actually still fine i do fw that name. always have #but i need to say this and put it out into the world and not take it back #this is my experience. this is my starting point. and fanfic and writing have been a big part of that #anyways. shoutout to #james wilson #most recent blorbo ive tried to trans the gender of. i think ill be able to finish this fic though lol. #trans #coming out #fandom #fanfic #personal #queer #lgbtqia

[neonbuck]

whenver i see people complain about things not being tagged im like. well yeah. when tumblr users went to twitter and came back, they all stopped putting content warning tags on literally anything. no one even puts cw tags on graphic discussions of sexual abuse anymore. i'm glad i'm medicated for PTSD now but before that i was always at risk of having my entire day ruined

i just dont think anyone cares anymore so i've never even bothered complaining about it

#.txt #i always make sure to tag all topics related to violence or abuse #is it really so terrible to not want to set off people's symptoms ? geez #it would be impossible for me to tag everything that could set someone off #but i feel like tagging the most common serious triggers is just being thoughtful. same reason i add alt text to my art now #this is neither an attempt at making a demand nor is it even a request #really all i am saying here is that i think more highly of people who show more signs of being caring and thoughtful

[justarandomhelluvablog]

having thoughts about how Husk actually has very little left to redeem bc he started his journey of self-change before even coming to work at the hotel, but at the same time redemption isn't even his goal- he ain't even aiming for heaven, he just wanted to be a better person and maybe now with friends and especially Angel, who he supports so much and wants to see succeed, maybe now he has a reason to be a better person

#hazbin hotel #husk #warning I am about to ramble in these tags O7 I have a ridiculous amount of thoughts about this cat bird man #thinking about that word of god from vivzie that Husk is actively fighting his gambling addiction in hell #which besides the pilot we've only seen his gambling mentioned in the past #and idk if it's just because they had to focus on other things but we don't see him drinking as heavily as he did in the pilot #and first few episodes. like he actually wants to be sober #we know he used to be an overlord and we assume that comes with all the terrible overlord qualities #(aka there's no such thing as a good slave owner) #but the Husk we know now has been on both sides of this chain #he knows and respects boundaries. consent is super important to him. this feels like a moral you can't really have to be an overlord #he also sees everyone as more than just what they can do for him specifically. he gets NOTHING out of being Angel's friend #he gets NOTHING out of defending Angel and Cherri during the fight with the Exorcists #he knows when to open up and who to open up to and trust. and he extends a hand to someone in need. someone he ain't even close to- #and if it hasn't changed he is trying to beat his own vices despite not even being a guest of the hotel. he's staff. he doesn't HAVE to #participate in their activities or try to change. he was dragged into this #but dammit he does it anyway #(also if he is still trying to beat his gambling addiction I wonder if the pilot was a relapse. hm) #anyway ig what im trying to say is husk isn't a guest at the hotel but plays the role of a guide for the guests bc he's already #got a very strong and *GOOD* set of morals considering they're in hell #like his level of morals we've only seen /explicitly/ shown in hellborn. and yeah consent and boundaries is rock bottom even for Earth #but they're in hell so somehow the bar manages to be even fucking lower than that so I consider it a win #ALSO THE FACT THAT HE STOOD BETWEEN ANGEL & CHERRI AND THE EXORCISTS??? this mf is willing to DIE for these people #I am 100% sure that if Husk's soul didn't belong to Alastor he would already be redeemed #we don't know what he did in life and we don't know how bad he was as an overlord but we know who husk is /now/ #and that person is a pretty damn good guy #he might have some work to do sure but he's already at least started his redemption before the show even began and #we're just seeing the tail end of it #god damn I really rambled in these tags i am so sorry #I just have so many thoughts about him

[goldkirk]

I'm so proud of myself about finances in the past couple months. I still struggle with money but I did enough meditation and journaling and practicing about it to make myself able to actually face my loans and credit cards and savings and bills and start really truly organizing and addressing them for the first time in years instead of just flying by the seat of my pants.

Like. This is a huge deal for me. I've felt like I'm in deadly danger every time I've tried to think about money for years and years. I'm finally able to look it in the face and stare it down and start to organize and plan on purpose instead of just keeping up with the minimum to stay afloat. I'm so proud of myself.

It's still a refrain of "GUILT (funny link)" every time I think about money but I'm able to actually make spreadsheets and face the numbers and monthly tracking again, and even make a new full budget which I haven't been able to do in ages.

still feel guilt, overwhelm, and helplessness, but no longer feel as much deep elemental shame and terror. that's progress baby

#we don't need to talk about how many months and months of therapy visits and doctor appointments I put on credit cards #among other things #but I had to put my foot down about it a couple months ago and shout at myself a little saying HEY #I AM SHAKING YOU BY THE SHOULDERS I AM SHOUTING FOR YOU TO HEAR #OF COURSE IT WAS A TERRIBLE FINANCIAL DECISION BUT YOU WEREN'T EVEN EXPECTING TO BE ALIVE #THE CREDIT CARD DEBT WAS NECESSARY TO KEEP YOU ALIVE AND IT DID AND EVERYTHING ELSE IS WAY LESS IMPORTANT THAN THAT #why the FUCK are you feeling SO ASHAMED for making the best decision you knew how to make at the time??? #just because you know NOW that you could have tried some other options doesn't mean you did THEN #you may have known enough to feel shame and guilt yes but you would never in a million years have gotten the help you needed fast enough #by attempting to go another route #you didn't trust anyone besides a very few handfuls of people and even them it wasn't fully #and the stress of running it through parental insurance was so terrifying to you bc you didn't know what that would do #and you never had cosigners for anything your whole adult life. it's OKAY #you fucking DID YOUR BEST #YOU HAVE LEARNED. YOU HAVE MADE CHANGES. YOU HAVE ALREADY DONE BETTER #YOU WILL CONTINUE TO LEARN AND IMPROVE OVER TIME #it is not the end of the world. even the utilities sending you to debt collections etc etc #YOU ARE FIGURING IT OUT ONE PIECE AT A TIME #MORE PEOPLE ARE ASHAMED AND AFRAID OF THEIR OWN FINANCES THAN YOU THINK #if the people who fought and argued with and shamed you for considering student loans much less taking them out #had wanted you to actually be financially safer and healthier #they could have just fucking helped out or cosigned your loans or actively helped you find other solutions #instead of spending months and months telling you it was the worst decision ever and would ruin you financially for decades and such #you made the best decisions you could with the level of terror and knowledge that you had. it was enough to keep you alive. #isn't that enough? #isn't it a victory to survive?? isn't that enough?????? #god i'm cringing at sharing this but if it's been this hard for me surely at LEAST one of you has also made financial mistakes or regrets #and seeing me be honest that I fucked it all up too and it's a mess and I'm just climbing back through it as best as I can as I go #will hopefully make at least one of you feel a tiny bit less alone