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faithhopeloveandtherapy · 2 months

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Urgh you guys! I have not written about this on here until now for reasons of respect and privacy, but my goddaughter, who is also the daughter of my best friend, was diagnosed with an eating disorder a few months ago and is now under the care of the local eating disorder team for early intervention. It is early days in the stages of an eating disorder, if that makes sense. I don’t really want to say mild, but that is where it is.

So back when all this started I said to my friend (who supported me through my whole ed recovery journey and who at one point I had to give my house keys to and ask her to go and remove the weighing scales because I couldn’t bring myself to do it), take the weighing scales out of your bathroom. And she said, oh yes they don’t work anyway because no batteries. All good on that front then.

Fast forward to this week. Goddaughter has had her first therapy session and the number one thing that came out of it is that she is not to weigh herself except in her weekly therapy sessions. (Goddaughter does not speak very freely to her mum, but she talks to a teacher who relays to her mum who relays to me). Cue conversation:

Me: I wonder where she’s weighing herself?

Friend/mum: In our bathroom

Me: wtaf?? I thought your scales didn’t work

Friend/mum: oh I had to put batteries in them to weigh her for the referral and then I just left them there

Me *internally screaming*: Remove the scales

Friend/mum: her dad spoke to her and she said she didn’t want them removed

Me: of course she didn’t! She’s got an eating disorder! But leaving them available is just enabling the eating disorder!

Friend/mum: Oh I just don’t know what to do

Me: aaaaagh!!!

Omg I was lying awake last night feeling so frustrated with this situation. I have spoken quite frankly with my friend about how her daughter is not going to like any of the changes she has to make because the eating disorder develops as a coping strategy to make a person feel better, and undoing that is not going to be comfortable and is going to involve doing things that don’t make her daughter feel good straight away. My friend, for reasons I don’t fully understand, finds it very difficult to actively “parent” when that involves anything uncomfortable or that might cause upset, even though my friend is a very functional adult with a responsible job where she sets boundaries in all sorts of ways.

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redinbluee · 1 year

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Chainsaw Man, ch 121

(Hi, I’ll start doing Chainsaw man updates/analysis for every chapter now since I rlly want to talk about it (I have no one to talk to about it irl, and I like to express my thoughts on things). I apologise for my poor grammar in advance- my writing style is rant-like and difficult to read, I hope it’ll get better as I do more of these. CSM has been my biggest interest for so long and I just love it soso much so feel free to talk to me about it anytime!)

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Anyways, to today’s chapter- (121, Theory of Happiness) Spoiler warning!!

I’ll start with the title. This is probably my favourite title so far, not only does it summarise the message of the chapter well, it really resonates with me as well. It’s interesting to see how different people attain their happiness, while some people are constantly in a cheery mood, others might find it more difficult to gain happiness. Not only this, people attain happiness from all sorts of things. You can’t just ask someone to “be happy”, happiness is a naturally occurring emotional response that could not be forced. A lot of the recent chapters focus on relationships and how one may gain happiness through these connections. Asa is in a situation right now where is just so lonely, she has lost everyone in her life and is currently at a very low point. She gains happiness in the early chapters and then looses them in the blink of an eye. Her happiness is temporary, short lived. I feel terrible for her. Whereas Denji receives all this attention from groups of thirsty fans, but he seeks for a deep emotional connection- someone who is willing to accept the boy behind the facade and love him for who he really is. Asa has a high quality of life, there’s no evidence of her being broke, and she lives in nice conditions. But she is alone, her parents are gone- there’s no one she can talk to, no one to reassure her and tell her that she matters. Denji on the other hand, has lived a terrible life, and has lived in the worst of conditions. He was starving, broke, uneducated- but he was able to attain minimal happiness through the smallest of things, talking about his dreams with Pochita- finding small things in his life to be grateful of. I love this contrast that Fujimoto made.

Interestingly, just a few days ago- I was talking with my mom. I was going through a depressive episode and I began talking about how I find it so difficult to attain my happiness. I’m financially stable, I have a great family, and I’m living a rather fortunate life- then why am I so sad all the time. I get all emotional over minor things, I worry too much and it tears me apart. And my mom agreed, she felt the same. I felt like a brat, a terrible child, I knew perfectly that there were people all around me suffering to much greater extents but I was only worrying about myself. This chapter came out at a perfect time.

Asa lights up to the minimal attention someone gives her- she’s so starved from love it makes me want to cry. She gets so confident the moment Denji gives her the smallest compliment, and she quickly gets so emotionally affected by abandonment. It was also sad and funny to see how much Asa was trying to cope with her situation last chapter- I love her monologues and long-winded infodumps, I do the exact same. It makes me feel less alone. Asa struggles to admit that she desperately needs this love right now- her happiness almost depends on the people around her. She holds a distinct set of values that guide her through life without realising that she contradicts it- she makes up he mind that she prefers isolation then immediately gets all flustered when Yoshida does the bare minimum. I wish she could realise how much she needs a secure friendship right now- Asa being so sad right now makes me want to disintegrate.

The chainsaw plush on the first page was cute. I wonder who put it there- I bet it was Iseumi. There were several moments in the chapter that reminded me of the reoccurring theme of “fame” in CSM so far and I would like to elaborate on it. Just from the plush, we can see that Chainsaw Man is a famous and impactful figure in the world of CSM right now, there have been several mentions of Chainsaw Man merchandise so far- like the chainsaw man bun and stickers that were talked about in 98. There is also the chainsaw man open call that might occur soon. We have managed to get a glimpse about how the public views and treats Chainsaw man, we see all these false claims about him in 103- while some people almost objectify CSM and worship him like a god (cough cough Iseumi), some despise him. While Chainsaw man is constantly being showered with praise, and at the same time- hate. All of this is directed towards a figure who is entirely a facade. No one knows about the broke, single father boy that lies beneath the mask. A high schooler who is a loser, who is lonely, who is under the control of a demonic gremlin child at home. Yoshida mentioned the importance of “parasocial relationships” on the third page of today’s chapter, I found that interesting- it almost felt like Fujimoto was referring to his own audience. About their obsession with his characters, their obsession with him as a writer without knowing who he really is. The chainsaw man figure lies helpless, defensiveness on the couch, listening to Asa and Yoshida’s conversation- he hears everything, but does not have the power to interfere. That’s the same as Denji’s situation, he is literally Chainsaw Man, a highly recognised and appreciated figure- but he is unable to be recognised for his true self. He is under the control of two people- Yoshida, who prevents him from breaking this facade and revealing his true identity to the public. Denji first-handedly hears all this criticism about chainsaw man in 103, but is then immediately shut off when he tries to prove his point. Denji has no voice in society, no one listens to him, know one appreciates him for who he is. And Nayuta, someone who controls Denji’s relationships with people, shutting them out from his life and harming them. Despite Chainsaw Man getting all this fame, none of them is directed towards Denji. I think the next few chapters will heavily explore with his relationship with playing the role of Chainsaw Man- is it really worth it, pretending to be someone else your whole life just to feed of ungenuine praise?

It was creepy to see a dead body fall from the sky while Asa was contemplating suicide. It was unexpected and impactful.

This almost reminds me of Asa’s reoccurring dream. She runs through the corridor, trying to not step on the dead chickens that obstruct her path. She couldn’t help but step on them- getting close to the impending darkness that lies ahead. Asa walks across the path, clouded by her own thoughts. Then boom- dead person falls from the sky. Asa had no control over the situation, she just happened to be there when the dead body fell off. Same as the dream. The chapter ends with people staring down at her from a tall building- The gaze is intrusive, accusational. Almost as if Asa had just fucked up- then the chapter ends on this cliffhanger. (And we have to wait 14 days)

The panelling was beautiful in this chapter, Fujimoto has done it again. The contrast between Denji and Asa’s expression on page 10 was (chef’s kiss). While Denji is trying to convince himself that Chainsaw Man will bring him happiness (a false sense of happiness), Asa looks awful- she looks so sad. I expect that Denji will get a reality check soon, then fall into Asa’s current position as well.

Second coolest page was page 5, bravo Fujimoto. Dude built the suspense by zooming into Asa’s face and Yoshida’s lips then boom- (next page) Yoshida steps out of the closet and breaks the tension. Props for coming out

I’m getting tired, that’s it for now

Side note- I love how Nayuta slapped Denji’s ass ahhaaha

#csm #chainsaw man #csm 121 #asa mitaka #denji #yoshida hirofumi #asaden #yoshida is so gay ily #autism #denji hayakawa #Chainsaw man 121 #Chainsaw man #Asa #csm analysis

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chronicallycouchbound · 10 months

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Homeless Delicacies and Finding Unhoused Joy

When I was 10 years old and spending most nights sleeping in parks or couch surfing, someone showed me an amazing dessert: canned frosting on graham crackers. You can eat it anywhere, and the frosting stays good for quite some time even kept outside the fridge. It was super sweet and brought me so much joy, I ate a whole sleeve of graham crackers and half a can of chocolate frosting in one sitting.

When I was 16, I came out as trans and quickly after, was forced to leave my family for the last time. I remember talking to my sister about me being trans, trying to explain the hurt of misgendering, how it felt for her to listen to me about it, her telling me she loves me no matter what. And afterwards, we ate chips ahoy cookies covered in frosting.

When I was freshly 18 and sleeping on a floor with no heat, my love and I shared nilla wafers dipped in strawberry frosting. It was cold and uncomfortable but we still laughed and held each other while sharing a simple snack.

And now I’m a couple months away from being 23 and I’m revisiting these memories while eating this overwhelmingly sweet snack. I’m reminding myself that younger me was being cared for all the time, in so many ways, by my community. And I still am. The support I’ve been given throughout my life has been so beautiful, even while it hurts that my family of origin didn’t support me.

Happiness comes from the root word ‘hap’ meaning chance. Like in perhaps or mishap or happenstance. It’s based in circumstances, so if you don’t feel happy when life isn’t going well, it’s appropriate, and shouldn’t be expected of you. But I feel that joy is different.

Joy is that same core emotion as happy, but you can find it in other ways. It’s not unwavering positivity, it’s being thankful and making peace with what you can. It can coexist with a feeling overall displeasure with your life or the situation you’ve been put in. (Note: I recognize that not everyone feels this way, this is just the framework I think in and it helps me cope).

For me, finding joy is much easier than finding happiness, particularly when happiness is unattainable given the happenstances. And I need joy to get by. I need to be able to laugh and smile and feel loved and in community. I think everyone needs that.

As someone who’s unhoused and has spent most of my life that way, I can confidently say that unhoused joy isn’t shown to people who haven’t experienced it themselves. Our community lives in public and yet we’re so invisible. It’s bittersweet sometimes to see other marginalized communities being uplifted, their happiness shown on TV, their joy alive in the streets. I wonder when unhoused people will have that. Our lives are based around despite pleas, hoping to survive every day, fighting so hard with no rest.

And still I seek to find joy every day. Today, that joy is found in frosting on graham crackers.

[Originally written on 6/20/22]

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polyhexian · 7 months

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Ah okay I have an idea for Jasper's mental health journey in Eventually.

I've got two meta reasons for why Jasper should be mostly-mentally-stable. The first is Hunter, obviously; the kid's going through it, and he needs this new parental figure in his life to be, like, okay. As delightful as Jasper's breakdown in MH has been, it would be super bad for everyone involved if his mental health was anywhere near that point in Eventually. The second reason is CAMILA, who just became a mother of 6 and absolutely does not deserve to also be shoehorned into playing therapist for a grown man. I love the idea of Camila and Jasper being friends, and Camila deserves to have a friend who, while definitely traumatized, is also mostly on top of his shit. Once he's no longer unconscious on her couch I think Jasper would be a huge help around the house and with the kids and he and Camila should be the responsible adults supporting EACH OTHER, so we don't want him to be a hidden wreck or a ticking time bomb.

So the first few years after his "death" Jasper reads parenting books as a coping mechanism. It helps him visualize where Hunter's at in his development. Every so often he thinks "he's probably taking his first steps right now" or "he should be speaking with a few words per sentence by now" and it's sad but it helps.

But eventually the baby books run out (is there really much of a market for them past, like, age 5?), and also Jasper is well aware of the fact that he left his child in an extremely bad situation. He knows what Belos is capable of, and while he has hope his kid PROBABLY won't ever see his own spinal cord, he's not stupid enough to think that being called "nephew" will actually protect Hunter from all of it. Child abuse is a thing, and it's a thing that's usually perpetrated by, y'know, family members.

There aren't any books entitled How To Unindoctrinate Your Estranged Child Soldier, but that doesn't stop him. He reads everything he can find on the subject and learns about allllll the things. Physical abuse, emotional abuse, gaslightning, manipulation, CSA. (He hopes to the Titan he won't need to know about that last one, but then he wonders if it'd be preferable to, like, being beaten to the edge of death and dragged back from the brink with healing magic multiple times, and then he just feels awful that he's even trying to decide what the "better" sort of abuse to endure would be.)

And pretty regularly he happens upon a paragraph that is, like, scarily relevant to his own lived experience and he needs to reevaluate some things. Maybe he tries to brush it off, but the more he interacts with Hunter, the less he's able to do that.

Book: Believing that love is transactional is, in fact, a sign of trauma, and not good or healthy.

Jasper: …haha, right, okay.

Hunter, at their next fight: I am LOYAL to Emperor Belos, I OWE him, and I HAVE to keep working hard so he'll LOVE me!

Jasper: Oh my Titan okay yeah this is really upsetting to hear and deal with, actually.

Sometimes after their fights Jasper has to just…go lay down and stare at the ceiling for a while before re-reading his self-help books and grumbling while he takes notes like ugh, FINE, they were RIGHT. He and Hunter end up working on their issues after their reunion because they see themselves reflected in each other and they HATE it.

Jasper: Look, I'M not important. YOU'RE the one who's important here and I WILL sacrifice myself for you.

Hunter: Dear Titan this is infuriating.

Luz: Now YOU know how it feels.

Hunter: Maybe it'd be better if I'd just died, that way I'd stop causing problems for everyone I love.

Jasper: *deep breath*

At some point in the Human Realm Hunter has a bad mental health day and locks himself in the basement, and Camila finds Jasper sitting at the kitchen table and she's like, you okay? And he's like, I've read a lot about this, but all my books and notes are back in the Demon Realm and I feel like I'm flying blind and have no idea what I'm doing. And she's like, actually that's pretty par for the course when it comes to being a parent. And he's like, oh really? That's kinda reassuring, thanks. I'll just wait and see if he wants to talk about it later.

omg.... eventually!jasper is like... he's so isolated, he doesnt have anyone he trusts and he doesnt have a single person he'd call a friend. he's fallen back on the same thing he did under belos in a way- there is one single driving motivation in his life and absolutely nothing else matters. whether it was serving the emperor or saving hunter, he HAS dedicated everything inside of him to one single person at a time. probably not great, but! he could be doing worse. also, MH jasper is having a lot of breakdowns, but its also been less than two years for him lmfao. for eventually!jasper its been sixteen!! hes had a lot of time to gather his shit together

im actually imagining the isolation is less like. immediately of a problem because hes fairly used to it. he only ever had one friend before and he didnt much trust him either, not with his secrets. so being alone is... well, just what hes used to. hes also probably like. deeply in hiding wherever he is. he doesnt have magic and his face is all fucked up and if word got back to belos about it, he would totally suspect if not outright know.

ive kind of got this mental image of- you know at the end of the time travel episode when belos goes into his little cave house and its. like. hes got normal house stuff in there. like he has shirts hanging to dry on the cave walls. sure theres like evil grimwalker stuff in there too but its the domestic items i find hysterical. so like. im imagining jasper has found himself a nice secluded cave to bunker down in but also hes had sixteen years to straight of domesticate that place. there are definitely couches in there. hes got a CB. hes probably got running water and hes stealing electricity from the neighbors. and cable. and then just books fucking everywhere. jesus christ. theyre everywhere. what else would he fucking do with his time; hunter isnt allowed out of the castle on weekdays. that is. so much time to just Do Nothing.

he probably does hang out with the CATTs on non hunter missions too, if only because some of them will fuck over belos which he actively wants, or has no impact on the hunter situation either way, but improving his relationship with the CATTs before he inevitably pisses them off again is always a good idea. also, its something to fucking do.

god yeah just. camila with this bizarre man in her house. hes not having breakdowns, he doesnt like not understand that other people have feelings, hes mostyl together, hes just fucking weird. he hasnt been around people for this long in basically his entire life. hes not wearing a mask and hes never spent so much time without a mask in his entire life. hunter is here???? hes spent 16 years trying to save hunter and uhhhh shit i did it. i am not entirely sure what to do now. turns out you can spend sixteen years planning out this reunion and then it all go out the window immediately. also hes been living in a cave and hes forgotten basic rules of being in a house sometimes. hes very POLITE and gracious to camila especially like, i imagine both him and hunter frequently thank her and offer To Do Anything She Needs and its like. so fucking funny to see them both just Like That.

omg hunter gets to actually meet hawk hunter. "haha yeah he saved my life. hes like three hundred years old and he cant talk. look at this gnarly scar hes got. he bites me a lot"

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borderlinereminders · 2 years

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hi again op, do you have any advice for seeing the grey areas when you split? im having trouble viewing this person as All Good or All Bad

Hi anon,

For me, challenging my black and white thinking took a long time.

One of the first things I recommend is reframing the situation. When you notice you're seeing something in black and white, or splitting, ask yourself, is there an alternative view point here?

One example is that I get a lot of hate on my blog, and years ago, I'd have been so angry and thought they were all bad people but I've asked myself, is there an alternative view point here? And the conclusion I've come to is that people often lash out in pain. And while my feelings are valid, because they shouldn't be attacking me even in pain, it does help me find a perspective where I don't see them as "bad people." I see them as "hurt people doing something bad because they're hurt". It allows me to find other emotions besides being frustrated (which is totally valid by the way), but also I feel some compassion for them as well.

Try to separate the things someone does from who they are. It's not always this simple. but my partner sometimes has bad days and he has snapped at me. These days don't define him. I would say that he is simply a person, trying his best to get by and sometimes he isn't perfect, and that's okay. When he messes up, I keep reminders of all the things he's done to show me he loves me. (Please note that this does not apply to someone who is abusive. Please don't rationalize abuse by focusing on the good. That is a completely different scenario.) To me, these things all exist together and he is an imperfect person who I love and I am an imperfect person who he loves. Life feels so much better to me when I remind myself that a lot of the time, people aren't trying to hurt me. They are just people trying to get by. Sometimes I get hurt as a result, and I'm allowed my feelings about that.

One way I did this was to apply my thinking to something I didn't see as black and white, which for me, was dogs. My dogs aren't perfect. They've been trained but they mess up. And I've never once thought my dog was a "bad dog" because they did something less than perfect, maybe even done something that could be defined as "bad." My dogs have even been cranky and in pain. My one dog snapped at someone because she was afraid of her nails being trimmed. They had to muzzle her to proceed (long story, but her nail trims are now handled totally differently and she's okay if anyone was wondering) I didn't think she was "bad" because she lashed out in fear. If I can see my dogs in shades of grey, as in they are just animals trying to survive and wanting to be loved and all that stuff, then surely I could apply these to people. So I used that logic and started to.

Anytime I catch myself thinking in a black and white way, I start asking myself questions and trying to "put myself in the other's shoes." While I know that we often can split on ourselves as well, I remind myself that I snap at people too. People snap at me. Everyone snaps at some point. Does this mean they are bad? Or does it mean it's just something that humans may do when they're emotionally overwhelmed, and stressed? (This is not to say people shouldn't work on coping to limit how often they do this, just that it is... something that can happen. ) I find that it helps if I surround myself with people who take accountability when they mess up though. My partner apologizing to me for messing up helps a lot because I can understand that he didn't mean to snap. He didn't even intend for it to come out the way it did. But he recognizes my hurt feelings and validates them. If he didn't accept that he'd messed up, I don't think I could be in a relationship with him because I need him to hold himself accountable, just like I hold myself accountable when I mess up.

Another thing that can help is taking the situation to another person. Maybe they can help you find alternatives that you can't see. I still do this sometimes. Even when I know I shouldn't see something as black and white, sometimes I can't see any alternatives. So I bring it to a friend and ask for their help in finding middle areas.

Shift the "black and white words" to "grey words" when thinking about situations.

This might include things like "never" or always" to "sometimes". (Example: "They always do ___ and make me feel ___." Switching the "always" to "sometimes" can help us find a different perspective.)

This might also mean shifting the phrasing to expressing your thoughts and feelings. So instead of "This is a failure." Say instead, "I'm feeling like this is a failure." This helps you acknowledge what is real in this situation, and that is your feelings. Your feelings are valid. And your feelings are real. It means that just because you feel like something is true doesn't mean it is true.

Some skills that may help

Mindfulness skills might help you tune into your feelings and thoughts. Here are some mindfulness ideas.

Non-Judgmentally is a DBT skill that focuses on encountering a situation in a way that is non-judgmentally. Here is a link to a blog post on it.

Another example

Your friend cancels plans at the last minute. It would be really easy to go to "they clearly don't care about me." Which is an example of black and white thinking. What are some alternatives you could look at?

"They weren't feeling well."

"Their energy levels aren't doing great."

"They had something come up unexpectedly."

And while your feelings about the cancellation are valid, it can help us to try and look at alternative reasons because we tend to go to "worst case scenario." It can help to look at other scenarios and try and put ourselves in their shoes.

#april answers #black and white thinking #i am sorry this got so long #i am so bad at being short and concise

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alwaysteveswife · 1 year

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Right person, Wrong time | Eddie Munson x Fem! Reader.

This is just a "mini" story from Eddie's point of view, in which he narrates how he has coped with the loss of one of the most important people in his life.

Warnings: Mention of Y/N's Death, angst, a lot of angst, Eddie having a strong crush on Y/N, mention of characters that do not belong to the series, such as Allyson (Steve's partner) and Ethan, Y/N's younger brother.

Number of characters: 9,793

If I had to describe my relationship with Y/N, I would say that the phrase that most represents us is 'You were the right person at the wrong time'.

I remember the first time I saw her. It was two years ago, the first day back from vacation. I was putting my things away in my locker, listening to annoyed laughter and the occasional comment from people who were annoyed by my style as if I cared about their opinion. When I finished, I saw Allyson walking down the hallway. Perhaps the reason they caught my eye was because they looked like polar opposites; Y/N was dressed completely in black, with a KISS t-shirt and dark jeans, while, on the other hand, Allyson was wearing pastel colors.

She and I were friends, playmates. That was why she approached me with a big smile, talking about how much she wanted this to be my year. Y/N stood beside her, more interested in looking repulsively at Tommy H than at our conversation. That first time we didn't cross words, nor did we introduce ourselves, but I can assure you that it was the beginning of everything, at least for me.

After that day I saw her everywhere, and not by chance. It's not like I followed her everywhere like a psycho, I just tried to find her with my eyes when I went to places I knew I was obligated to go. Most of the time it was the cafeteria, where she would take a seat with her friend and whisper about other annoying students.

The first time we spoke was the following year. I approached Allyson to ask if she was going to attend the club where we played D&D along with other fans. She was there, listening intently. I was so nervous that I started acting hysterical, and thanks to that I made her laugh. When her face lit up, a huge warmth filled me completely. In that instant I knew I was screwed, I had fallen for Y/N, and Allyson noticed.

She insisted on joining the club, to put me in situations where we could be alone, to talk and all that. Thanks to those little moments we were able to move forward in our relationship, we were able to be friends. I could feel a spark between the two of us, a big one. I could tell when she was flirting with me, and I knew she could tell when I was flirting with her, but, for some reason, we never became 'something more'.

After that came Billy Hargrove, a first rate jerk. Womanizing, cocky, he was the spitting image of a 'real' man, and all the girls fell for him. Including the one I thought would be my girl. When I found out, something broke inside me, something that made me wonder why him and not me? Was I so horrible that I couldn't win her love?

The first few weeks were the worst, hands down. I hung out with Allyson and Steve almost every day to distract myself. The two of them had started dating, and although Steve was unbearable to me at first, I could tell his attitude was different. He was nice, and he loved Allyson, just as she loved him. I hated to admit it, but the two of them looked great together.

After the second month, everything got better, I hardly saw Y/N anymore, but thanks to that I avoided feeling bad.

"What the fuck happened to you?" It wasn't the best way to welcome the love of my life, but it was the only thing I could say when I saw her come to my house full of mud and with red marks on her neck.

"Just shut your mouth and let me in" Despite the bluntness of her comment, I could tell how her voice sounded like she was about to cry.

I opened the door, letting her come in and settle wherever she wanted. After a few minutes of silence, she told me how she ended up like that and how she ran away to my house. To make a long story short, and to avoid the horrible memory of what she told me, it was all because of that son of a bitch of a boyfriend.

I clenched my jaw, avoiding sounding angrier than I was.

"Hey, look, I know I'm not the best person to give you advice, but do you really think it's worth it to be with an asshole like that?"

"What the fuck are you talking about, Eddie?" she snapped up, glaring at me hatefully.

"I mean he doesn't deserve you, Y/N" I stood up too, grabbing her shoulders, "A girl like you, no, any girl deserves to be treated with dignity, with appreciation, you... you deserve better than him."

She pushed me hard, grabbing her things quickly. I tried to stop her, I really tried, but I couldn't force her to stay, I didn't want her to think I would hurt her or something.

"Something better? Something better" She gave a giggle, smiling sarcastically as she moved towards the door, "And what's supposed to be better? You? A teenage drug addict who doesn't know what he's going to live off of? Don't make me laugh, Eddie."

She slammed the door shut, leaving me on edge. I wanted to follow her, apologize to her, whatever, but I didn't. I stayed in my house, like a coward, she left because of me, I lost her because of me.

No one saw her again, she disappeared and her body was never found, but we all knew she wasn't alive. Allyson prepared her funeral, from the casket to the flowers. She made special invitations to a selective group of people and dared to play a completely anti-Christian soundtrack when they lowered the empty coffin. There weren't too many people in the place, hopefully there were about 15 of us, but still the atmosphere was full of sadness and tension.

Everyone cried too much, including me. The only one who kept a serene expression was Allyson. It seemed as if her soul had left her body. She was, but she wasn't. She was staring at nothing, waving her hands nervously, even having to be carried home by Steve after she almost had a panic attack.

Neither of our lives went back to normal, but we were trying. I quit selling drugs and started going to a rehab group. Ethan no longer cried every time he saw something that belonged to his sister, he was able to go out with his friends and have fun. Steve, who she had befriended before the tragedy, had started working at Family Video along with Robin. And Allyson, she was coping in her own way, not very well, but she was, and Harrington was there to help her, to take care of her as he promised Y/N he would.

Today was Saturday, it was horribly hot, but I couldn't miss our appointment. I got off my motorcycle, carefully removing my helmet and taking a bag out of the back. I already knew the way by heart, I came here every Saturday.

When I got to the place, I stood there for a few seconds reading the name on the tombstone. I sighed and took a seat in front of it, smiling as I noticed the little teddy bear Allyson had left here when she came.

"Hi, honey, it's me, Eddie" From the bag I pulled some plastic flowers, setting them down "In my defense, normal flowers die really fast, these are more resilient" I laughed, holding the bag in my lap "I brought you a present, but I'll give it to you when I'm done telling you everything that happened this week" I leaned my back against the headstone, looking up at the sky "Today marks exactly 3 months and 4 days since I last smoked, can you believe it? At the rehab center they gave me a stamp that said 'Congratulations, it's your third month', it's ridiculous, but I like to hang them on my window curtain, they're like trophies" I started to pull some weed from the floor "Oh, and by the way, guess who managed to graduate" I smiled, waiting a few seconds, hoping she could answer me from beyond the grave "That's right, it's me. It still doesn't sink in, but I made it. I've been thinking about studying mechanics, there's a university near here that has that career and I thought 'Why not?' I can come by motorcycle from there every weekend, it won't be too much trouble, don't worry" I laughed, closing my eyes "Allyson also managed to graduate, she's seeing if she can get into a university that's a few miles from here, more to the city. She also convinced Steve to try to start a modeling career, and you know what the worst part is? That son of a bitch got in" I laughed harder, remembering how he called each of us to tell us the news "They both plan to work part time to pay the rent on an apartment over there. Since the incident last time, Steve hasn't wanted to leave Allyson alone for a second, they're like fingernails. It's horrible to watch" I grimaced, clearly faked, I loved those two "You don't have to grieve either, he promised to come to see you at least twice a month" I turned around facing his tombstone "Fuck new news, I'm a very impatient person, so let's go with your surprise" I took out of the bag a white and purple skirt "It's the Hellfire Club t-shirt, remember you were going to join? Well, you didn't get around to it, but I took the trouble to have a limited edition one made for you. It's in your favorite color, I picked it out for you" My smile gradually faded, until there was no trace of it anymore "I.... I'm sorry, Y/N, I'm so sorry" I brought the t-shirt to my face, feeling it getting wet "It's my fault, I did this to you, forgive me, please" I cringed, crying even harder, feeling my throat tearing and my stomach turning into a giant knot "I love you" I whispered between sobs, resting my head on the headstone, imagining what it would be like if she were here, facing me, forehead to forehead, our breaths being one, fused in an embrace that chased away all my fears and in turn chased away hers.

We were that 'something else' that never was. That teenage love that I always wanted, but now I will be unable to have. She took a part of me, but I took a part of her too, and I will keep it as a treasure, as my most prized possession, because she made me feel that way, so I will make her feel that way too, even if she is in the afterlife, even if she never loved me like I did.

Masterlist

#eddie munson x reader #eddie munson angst #stranger things #fanfic #eddie munson fanfic #stranger things au #eddie x fem!reader #eddie x you #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson #eddie x reader #eddie munson fluff #eddie munson x you #eddie munson au #angst #stranger things x reader #stranger things fics

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buffyandwillow · 1 year

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Just saw your post, hope you survived yesterday. Can’t stop recommending Ted Lasso to everyone, it makes me feel good. Also this is less of a hot take and more of a general wondering, but i always find myself thinking about Anya in the pockets of time she’s not part of the scoobies. Like right after she looses her powers and she’s stuck as a teenager: how does she get money, an apartment, a car, who are her friends… logistically i have so many questions but also emotionally we never see her cope with that enormous transition. I think i’ve brought this up before but the possibilities are always running around my head.

thanks dali <33 i have survived (mostly)... i really enjoyed the first 2 seasons of ted lasso!! gonna watch the news eps soon :') anya ramblings:

i was wondering recently about how anya afforded an apartment before working at the magic box. i have thought long and hard and so far, here's where i'm at:

she seems sort of lonely/alone at first, and d'hoffryn definitely didn't check in on her to see if she was ok, but i wonder if hallie did. i know they didn't keep in super close contact, since in older and far away hallie had been invited to the wedding but she didn't seem to know xander at all. i suddenly like the idea, though, that she visited anya at least a couple times in s3-4, starting immediately after she hears from the other vengeance demons that anyanka isn't one of them anymore.

maybe hallie helped settle some debts to get anya some money. i bet a ton of demons owe anya favours. she's been around such a long time! and hallie's teleportation skills would be helpful for reaching contacts in other countries/dimensions. also, despite the humour of anya's "and i'm flunking math" comment, she proves to be good at practical math and accounting in s5 - i am sure she remembers exactly how much various people owe her, down to the cent.

while anya doesn't have any type of traditional job before working at the magic box, she clearly pays for goods and services (she acquires an entire human wardrobe, she goes to get her hair done, she eats and drinks, etc). for some reason, i can imagine anya actually being somewhat rich, which could be why she never seems concerned about money, and treats getting a job as kind of a fun new experience. while the job does enrich her life, and she loves money, it never seems to be about earning money so that she can afford things she needs. she already could afford things. she just liked being part of a larger system (which i find very interesting about her, but which feels like another topic).

i can't see her stealing the money (although... she does pull off that bank robbery in him dkhjgh), can't see her buying lottery tickets /winning the lottery, can't see her having a demon uh. sugar daddy., can't see her ever having opened a bank account in her demon days that's just grown a ton of interest (although... interesting... actually, not fully against that), really the question is fascinating and i can't believe it was never addressed!

anyway - say she and/or hallie dig up some funds for her to live comfortably on her own. that would secure physical things like shelter/clothes/food. but emotionally... i actually can't see her having much of an emotional support system for this big transition (hallie wouldn't get it, not really), and that makes me sad. she latches on to xander, but he's only somewhat helpful... (i am guessing maybe xander and giles--idk, he has adulting knowledge--helped her get some ID.) she has a lot of friends and acquantainces in hell's bells, from her demon days - but how many of them ever came to see if she was doing OK after the wish? impossible to say - we do know she wasn't close enough to any of them to invite them to be in her wedding party, though.

there are characters i wish she'd gotten to interact more with, truly, because i think that they could have helped or understood her situation. spike, for one, seems to Get her to some extent. we get a couple moments where they commiserate about having once been feared - but there's nothing to imply they ever hung out outside of the scoobies, and i sadly doubt they did. and tara! tara and anya, the scooby outsiders, supporting their partners but always feeling a little left to the side.

the questions still remain, though. i'd love to hear anyone else's thoughts on this! feel free to send meta recs etc. i love theorizing about anya!

#anya jenkins #buffy #bisummers

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foggyparadisecandy · 5 months

Text

On trauma processing ... I'm reading up on this stuff ... for my own needs but also because I'm still struggling with how I could have better helped my ex when she ran into her problem.

Another post that shouldn't be read - you've been warned - boring internal monologue stuff being written out.

I'm certainly smarter ... or at least more informed ... now then I was two and a half months ago.

Wishes are pointless and I don't generally indulge in them but ... yeah ... a time machine would be nice about now.

Not to salvage the relationship but to get her to a better place. Which tbh is really all I wanted with her - nurture and uplift ... nurture and uplift ...

But the thing I'm understanding the most is that most of us can work through trauma on our own. And most of us can build resilience and become stronger if we navigate the trauma properly.

That gives me hope for her. [My therapist and further readings have made me question this bullshit.] I need to let go of my savior complex ... she doesn't need me to "save" her.

Although ... also true ... she legit did not deal with her parental trauma properly. She just packed it down and it manifested in many self-hating ways. And this new trauma brought up some very horrible self-destructive, self-hate, nasty coping strategies.

So ... who knows who knows who knows how well she will do? I suspect ... strongly believe ... it will be more of the same for her until something even worse comes along. Will she survive it? IDK tbh. I'm not sure she's going to come out of the current round whole or alive.

Fuck. It doesn't matter. I mean ... it does matter to me ... fr fr fr ... but I'm powerless so it's not healthy to obsess. She made her choices. I'm not god. I have no say. It's over for me.

I understand it. I'm not sobbing any more. I'm not as lonely any more. I don't desperately ache and long to speak with her any more.

If I reflect back the stuff I've learned ... why tf was this break up so traumatic to ME? It was just a break up, right? And I know ... "you should allow yourself to experience what you experience and feel what you feel. Be kind to yourself."

But reading about people who go through SERIOUS stuff, it makes me wonder what the hell happened that I felt like I was hit by a truck and thrown into a bonfire and facing a firing squad.

Christ. I've always been so resilient and strong. Something about this triggered me in an extreme way.

My therapist had me take a quiz - I feel under "moderate trauma" - which I'm sure if I had taken it two months ago, it was a lot worse when I wasn't sleeping or eating and feeling ... pretty ... unhinged to say the least.

I need to ask her if she has any theories on this. It bugs me to feel so ... weak ... I guess ... Comparisons are the path to suffering but I feel like this wasn't "so bad". It was just a break up, right?

Fuck. Judging myself. Not a healthy pathway. I felt what I felt. I did what I did. I treated her as good as I could.

See ... no reason to read these things. Just sorting out thoughts and feelings. I am so much better and more even keeled these days.

I ... have ... accepted ... it's done. I really have ... I think lol.

I want to say "fuck her for treating me this way" and yeah ... fuck her for treating me this way. But also true: I forgive her and still care about her even though she did a really awful thing to both of us.

I keep repeating myself. But it gets easier each time to find peace in the situation.

I am getting stronger than I was. So she deserves thanks on many levels tbh. Even in the end, she did some lovely things for me - even though she did them in an awful way.

#thoughts #catharsis #self care #self love

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dadzawa004 · 8 months

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(is anon wif da gf trubles) (tw vent, sh mention )

Is hards cuz host has strong connection wif his gf an he relly love her so he no wanna break ups wif her, I no relly like her, she seem scary :( an one da protecter no like her either, but host say is good, say she helpy him hurt body less an da she make him happys an stuffs bu protecter tink do more harm den good :( ben lot fighting in headspace lately :( dey always lot fight between host and da protecter, cuz host no do good mently an he do lot thinks da hurt body, he also get rid of us stuffs :( cuz he say da we no real :( bu is real :( I reel girl no fake peoples, has split lot recently so sum thing definly no goodds, is stressful, just not kno wat do :( host say no tell her is system cuz is probly fakeing its an no wan her kno bouts it, I tried front earlier bu host just scream an said bad words to me :( was no fun

Vent reaponse// TW (long post.)

Hey anon. it's nice to see you again, despite the bad circumstances

Please let this be a reminder. You ARE real. You are real, You're here and you're a real person. So is everyone in your system. I know how hard it is, considering the host is having troubles coming to terms with such. No matter what, you're real either way. I'm sorry to hear about the stress the sys is going through at the moment. I'm sure that the host isn't the only person going through denial

As I am apart of a system myself, I can find myself often wondering if its just me or it's really happening. Which is a valid feeling, please don't feel guilty about it (this includes the host and everyone who may feel this way)

I fear that if this is going on, the front may not be safe to front into. I'm not in charge wether when you decide to front or not. But if you want my personal opinion (and maybe something I did when we were in a similar situation) take front breaks. It's okay to take breaks if you can, and it can be extremely healthy when the stress is off your chest.

The most important thing right now is trying to remove the body itself into a place which feels more comfortable to you and the others. So if you want a place to start, start there (safety is your main priority, always remember that)

Like I said before, we had a host who was very similar to yours. And the situation was a huge.. ball of stress to get through. But I promise, eventually (and hopefully) the host and maybe anyone else who has similar mindset will start to understand their situation and how to cope with it

you have the same power as the host, so please don't feel like you're being shut down or kept quiet. Communication is key, but safety is the main focus before proceeding into hot waters like this

It might take hours, days, or weeks, even more. But no matter what the host will come in terms at some point. They can't ignore something that cannot be ignored. And even if being a system is rough, and it's "easier" to try and doubt your situation; it just isn't healthy. Not for them, not for the system or it's alters, not for the body. The most important thing is to find a way to get along, Live with it, and live with your lives. And I'm hoping that terms and realization will come soon

And please remember that there are resources to take if it's an emergency. Wether that he hotlines, therapy, and others (again, if safe to do so). But remember resources are there to help, so whatever the case, please turn to it if you're in a state of emergency. You aren't alone and you shouldn't do this alone.

I hope this helps. If you need more advice or.. just to talk, I'm here for you. So Is the CGS who run the blog. My messages are also open, so if you'd like to continue to talk, you are free to do so. (no pressure, but the option is always there)

I wish you the best of luck, kid. And I hope this reaches out ok

#age regression caregiver #agere community #age regression #agere caregiver #aizawa speaks #endos dni #vent comfort #vent post #cw

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msommers · 1 year

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1, 8, 17, and 23 for riya, jorina, and maeve!

muah muah ty // vanilla sunday meme

1.) Is your muse a romantic? Do they dream of love and marriage?

RIYA — mmmm. she enjoys romance (the flowers, the intimate activities, the candles and sweets and gifts etc etc) but i don't think she's been big on fantasies of marriage or happy ever afters, been too busy chasing pleasures day-to-day with whoever holds her fancy to think hard on a settled future. even through her relationship with victor, the love and romance was there for sure but she never personally had thoughts on marriage. maybe could have gotten there 🤷‍♀️ we'll never know

JORINA — unfortunately she got bit by the love bug when aleksi came around and all of those romantic ideas slowly came back to her, thoughts that she'd abandoned after the blight because her family was so miserable after the loss of her mother. she used to hope she'd one day share a love like her parents', but then she had to watch her father fall apart after the loss of his wife and she went nope! no thank you!! i'm not gonna let myself wish for anything that could end up like that. and then she Did start just that because she fell for aleksi and on occasion found herself wondering what their future could look like, and the thoughts were annoyingly romantic but tinged with a worry that was hard to shake.

MAEVE — yes she is 😭 yes she does all the time 😭😭 stories were what she used to cope with her situations living with her parents and later carden, and a vast majority of them were of the romance genre. she more than once worked herself into tears dreaming of what it'd be like to experience a true Romance, to share a love so genuine and comforting that taking vows would have any sincere meaning. struggled to find these dreams for a while when things were utterly dreadful with carden around, but in time they came back and were stronger than ever. sickeningly romantic in all she does, with friends and partners alike she simply wants to spread love however she can.

8.) Is your muse comfortable with, or proud of their body? Are they insecure?

RIYA — so comfortable with her body that she's constantly showing it off lol. the flowy dresses with slits down the skirt, deep cuts or open windows for her chest, if she's frisky and the fit suits then some additional skin showing at her sides. i don't imagine she's ever felt insecure about her body because she's been spoiled with compliments and support all her life. no reason for her to be worried about her build when clearly it's pulling in plenty of lovers and she's looking fantastic in all she wears, which y’know are clearly the most important priorities here. she'd probably still be wearing such an outfit during the party's workings right now if i didn't have the strong feeling warden rasha shut that shit down by day 3 at most when he found the time to find new clothes to toss at her 🙄

JORINA — has always been a Little Bit insecure about her body, i think. not in a hateful way, but in the way that she'd on occasion be reminded how the family's poverty affected her body (cheap clothing and hunger that kept her from properly filling out said clothing) and she'd feel self-conscious about her appearance for a little while after. had a straight up Confused phase while in the crushing hard on manslut aleksi period, because i imagine he was slutting it up with all kinds of folk which meant she'd never have a chance to like. compare herself to a specific type, but still went through some bouts of insecurity by way of inexperience and perceiving herself as unappealing compared to his lovers. all fine in the end because he's the one to help her build confidence in her appearance :')

MAEVE — sadly endures a period of discomfort during her years with carden when she’s led to believe that all she’s good for is her body and pretty face, but goes through a wondrous amount of growth and healing once she’s free of that life. becomes incredibly comfortable with herself, the confidence practically radiating for all to see. a bit of a shock to see the difference between her in the early years of going off on her own compared to down the line when she’s had time to work on herself and also receive a great deal of help from certain lovers.

17.) Does your muse leave hickies? Do they ask for them?

RIYA — the amount varies on the kind of nasty she was getting up to, but she absolutely leaves them and takes great joy out of leaving one or two in places that can’t easily be covered up. causes problems on purpose n all that. doesn’t ask for but clearly wants and enjoys receiving them in return.

JORINA — don’t see her leaving very many and she’d rather implode than ask for them, but wouldn’t terribly mind receiving them (so long as they’re in places she can cover with clothes).

MAEVE — yes and yes :) calls them love bites and leaves them everywhere on her partner(s) when things get heavy, gets excited knowing she’s left her mark on them. an unfortunate act to enjoy when her partners are witchers that heal in minutes :// likes receiving them most on her lower body and chest but won’t complain if left elsewhere.

23.) Is your muse the type to discuss their sex life or sexual prowess with others?

RIYA — nothing too egregious and she’ll accept wishes from a lover for her to keep quiet on their particular activities, but she’s not opposed herself to speaking openly on the topics. it's just sex shrug

JORINA — fuck no 💚

MAEVE — yes, but it’s usually for potential or already established partners. loves to add in some teases to her flirting about such things when she's after sex, maybe even just bluntly describe certain acts if she believes it'll really get them going.

#ch: valeriya de clairmont #ch: scout jorina #ch: maeve sommers #almost redacted victor's name for the joke but it's fine we all know

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ilovejoo · 1 year

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hi, joo— !! <3 here to say, how much i love the idea of your valentine's day matchup event, it's so sweet and fun, waiting to see who'll get matched with you. i was wondering if i could get a match?

( help, it's the month of valentine's day and i'm still as lonely as ever T~T )

if i'm able to get a slot, here's some information about me!!

TO YOU, little things about raine

preferred group . . . enhypen !

pronouns are she/her or they/them

love language = mainly quality time, then words of affirmation and acts of service

mbti is infp-t & personality description . . .

[ hobbies ] i love writing, basically one of the sole reasons to why i joined tumblr and at times, it's used as my coping mechanism with situations that may occur in life— most of the time, real-life moments and emotions are put into some of my writings. especially poetry. plus! reading, it's always been like that since a young age— and surprisingly, a lot of the books i read are actually crime and a side of thriller/drama. singing, you'll find me karaoking to songs i've heard on the radio or have been stuck in my head while i go to school / do the chores, when i'm bored. painting, i adore painting ( mainly oil-painting because i kind of suck at acrylic . . . ) and art museums are my safe-place, a place where basically unwind from the world as i try connecting with the artwork in front of, trying to understand the emotions put into each stroke of paint or sculpture.

[ daily things ] i'm a night owl, according to my parents + close friends, so some of the things done— i like to do at night example studying, listening to music, playing games, working on small art pieces, basically time for myself. i love star-gazing and looking at the moon. i read a lot of manhwa/webtoons!

[ likes ] i really like visual communication design, biology, architecture and photography ( i always have my camera with me when we go out, and my parents get frustrated when i take pictures of material things example buildings, lakes, trees, leaves instead of people ) VOLLEYBALL, i only started around the last few months of last year but i've been in love ever since— and when i heard i made it into the volleyball team for my grade, i was overjoyed and practically in disbelief when we won the premier league. i wish i could spend time more on volleyball practices, but my dad says it's a no ( sad face ). i love ramyeon so, so, much— it's unhealthy, but i can literally live on it. strawberries, bruh, i love them so much as well, and strawberry picking in the summer, straight from the strawberry farms is a must! i like staying in my room a lot, and spending time on writing or watercolour painting while listening to music by myself. it's basically my go-to break after an exhuasting week. music taste?? it's really broad to be honest, i love r&b though, i like rock-style music as well? ( i think i get that from my dad ) and ballad at the same time ( probably get that from my mum ) and k-pop, obviously, keke.

i also like cold showers. okay— here me out, they're actually nice!!

[ dislikes ] math. i think a lot of other people can agree, it's not that i'm bad at it— it just frustrates me so much, i have no idea why to be honest. ( physic too! i don't know how my dad loves i so much. biology for the win, bruh. ) bugs/spiders/insects/etc. no, ew, just— they scare the heck out of me. hot weather, and living in a really hot place like australia isn't convenient, but hot weather is just icky. deadlines— i'm literally the last person amongst my group of friends to send in my work, and i send it like— minutes before the deadline. oops.

there's nothing much about me, myself, honestly— except, i tend to be more comfortable in isolated areas— like, i like social and group activities but most of the time, i feel more myself when i'm alone. i'm a little quiet to strangers and sometimes it might come off as rude, but once comfortable, sometimes it gets too chaotic it's embarrasing.

in group settings, i sometimes take the leadership roles ( though it depends on the group ) and participate with group activities, and other times, i'm more of the, oh, hey! i'm just going to live, love and laugh.

height — 5'1

appearance wise, i'm a quite short— i have light skin that's been slightly tan on the arms after a trip to the beach around two weeks ago, i think i burnt my nose . . . :[ . . . my hair is really dark brown that it almost looks black, but once met with natural light or sunlight, it turns a way lighter shade of brown for some reason. at the moment, my straight hair is just below my shoulders and is layered with side-bangs. i have 20/20 vision!!! nah, just kidding, i wear glasses T T you'll either find me in sweaters or hoodies. also, knitted vests >>

what i look for in a partner? honestly, i'd like to have a relationship where the each other's comfortableness is mutual— time spent with one another, we don't even have to talk but just comfort with each other's presence. however, i would like to enjoy adventures and memories together, i don't really accept physical affection example hugs, kisses, holding hands because it's so awkward for me but i really want to give the affection, so i want to be freely myself when i'm with that partner that i can open up boundaries and share our interests with acceptance and love. basically wanting a soulmate at this point, why am i like this?? (ㅠ﹏ㅠ)

understanding with one another is what i look for in a partner, where it's equal— meaning, the significant other will love me as i am and i too, will hold them with open arms, i want them to trust me as how i put trust in them. like, trust is a big thing for me in a relationship as well.

i want to big spoon my partner. honestly, i'm a big spoon and spooning others is just so lovely, i like it because even if i don't say the words aloud and how much i love someone close to me, i want to express it through actions, i want them to feel loved and comfort. but being a little spoon is also nice.

ack! too much information, lol??? i'm really curious at who i might match with after all of this info if i get a spot, but thank you anyways, joo.

cutie its okay im lonely too </3 but i would LOVE TO BE FRIENDS omg

your valentine is... sunghoon!

listen to: whenever it rains by dept, nason, and amin

omg when u said being comfortable in each other's presence i immediately thought of sunghoon

SOULMATES??? i am thinking soulmates

the chaotic energy you guys have with each other and only each other is so cute

how you spend vday together...

you knew sunghoon got you something for valentine's day, and you had been dying to figure out what it was. him being his own biggest hype man, he had been talking his gift for days, crediting himself with the title of "best gift giver ever," "best boyfriend," "most creative man..." the list goes on.

however, when the time finally came, all of a sudden he seemed to be ashamed of what he got you.

"just open it," he said, handing you a box while not being able to look you in the eyes out of shyness. your eyebrows raised out of curiosity, and with a small smile you opened the box to find a photo album inside. the exterior was decorated with silly stickers, some doodles (he tried), and finally a little "r+s", your initials, at the very top.

"awh, sunghoon.."

"you should fill it up with pictures of us, and only us, okay?"

you opened the album to find dozens of pages already filled- he had printed out pictures he took of the two of you, some candid, some posed, some silly, some cute.

"i can't wait to add many more."

#! joo's vday #enhypen #enhypen x reader

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wwarren · 2 years

Text

2021

Typically I do my year recaps at the beginning of the year. Unfortunately, I had so many things transpire that it distracted and pushed me away from a lot of things. But better late than never.

2021 was a pretty intense year. The best way to describe it was an emotional roller coaster. One that honestly I’m still on even as I type this. A big reason for that being my mother. My mom’s health took a turn for the worst when she told me late September that her doctors gave her anywhere between 6 months to a year to live. This information broke me. Everyday it crossed my mind knowing that the main person in my life that knows me and genuinely loves me was going to be ripped away from me and there was nothing I could do. I tried to make each day count and reassure her of my appreciation. Somedays I wonder if I did it enough or if I could’ve shown it more. I found myself subconsciously coping with the situation by becoming more distant. Not significantly but I do feel as though I could’ve been there more. Especially knowing the fear and uncertainty she must’ve been feeling going through that. Unfortunately, she did pass away late January of this year (2022). Which I’ll recap in my next annual post.

Aside from that, I did begin the process of starting to get even more specialized in my field of work by going for my VTS in ECC. The process is still on going so I’ll check back in with an update next year. Still, this is something that I’ve been considering doing since 2018 so I’m proud of myself for finally pushing myself to do it.

I was able to visit some new places, namely Mexico. Myself and my best friend went there as a birthday celebration and had the time of our lives. It was just us and we lived up every day we were there. Made some great connections and formed some good memories. I know we will definitely wanna go back.

I did manage to meet a new friend that quickly became someone I consider basically a best friend at this point that we will call “B”. It’s rare for me to open up to people but his friendship has definitely been something that was good for me in many ways. We relate in a lot of unexpected ways and he has been there for me with everything going on with my mom. Especially since he lost his mother.

I would say these were the main components of my 2021. Or at least as much as I can force myself to remember seeing as how this post is 5 months late. Though half of 2022 has basically gone by I will say that for goals I really want to finish this VTS application and knock it out to hopefully sit for my test next year. I also hope that by the time my next annual post comes I’m in a better spot mentally and emotionally. I’m still on this roller coaster and I really hope I find a destination soon.

#me

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skinnydreams9898 · 14 days

Text

To Myself:

April 16th, 2024

Im so afraid of everything. Im afraid of my career, and whether or not I’ll be able to make it. I’m afraid of being in love, and all of the ways it could end one day. I’m afraid of myself, and how much I’ve improved over the past four years, and how that means that I can no longer use suicidal ideation as a coping mechanism, and now I don’t really know what to replace it with.

And I am so afraid that the more I grow and the older I get, the more I’ll have to be afraid of.

But I am also so incredibly proud of myself. I love everything I’ve accomplished and become the past four years. Every. Single. Fucking. Day. Since February 9, 2020 has been a day with effort. Literally every day. I haven’t skipped one. And it shows. And I know that it doesn’t matter how afraid I am, because I don’t really have a choice but to keep going anyways. I don’t get to just give up. I am too capable, too strong, with too much ahead of me.

My spiritual path has shifted and changed so much. I actually had to rip apart a lot of my identity and rebuild it because when I finally found the truth, I realized how much of my old beliefs were embedded into self identity, and it was so hard to let it go. I still struggle. But I’m learning. And I’ve made such incredible leaps in this path. I have seen and experienced things that made me think I was absolutely crazy, and then realize I *wasn’t* crazy. And it’s the most mind blowing, exciting, emotional and intensely peaceful thing that I never knew could exist.

My goals for my life and my days are always shifting. And there’s so much I can be better on. But the fact that I am still here, always working, means that I will be better.

I’m so thankful for my partner. I’m so thankful for my team lead. I’m so thankful for my babies. God, I’m thankful for Seymour. And, more than anything, I am wildly thankful for me. I am thankful for the little girl that was neglected and abused and made to be a parent before 3rd grade. I’m thankful for the young preteen who experienced her first severe loss and started hurting herself for the first time. I’m thankful for the teen who was chaotic and insecure and kept getting into bad situations and tried to kill herself repeatedly. I’m thankful for the girl who broke two hearts by breaking one, and entered young adulthood wondering why she lived that long.

Every version of me is one that was trying her best with what she knew at the time, even when she made mistakes. And they are the reason that I am still here, and I am who I am now.

I am wildly in love with myself and my life. I have a partner that I don’t have to guess with. Who shows me incredible things and takes care of me. Sees me. Really *sees* me. In this plane, and the next. I am in a career that I never even knew I’d find such a deep passion in. I get so emotional over how much I am in love with it. I have cut off a lot of people recently that I thought had a permanent place in my life, and it put me through the closest thing to a break down I’ve had since 2019, but even through that I knew that I wanted to be alive.

All of this to say, this app has seen so many sides of me the past 10 years. None of which ever wanted to live, nor did they ever think I ever would want to.

But I’m here. And I do. And I am so proud of it.

So, future me, if it all falls apart, and the partner leaves, the career falls flat, and more people exit your life, it will be okay. The common denominator in the good things in your life is not luck like you always thought it was. The common denominator, is simply you. The magic of who you are and how you exist in this world. So don’t abandon yourself again. No matter who else may.

I hope that the you can look back on this version of you, the one writing this, with the same love, understanding, and gratitude. And I hope that I make you proud and make your life easier.

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jeeperscreeping · 3 months

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Feb 6th, 2024 - 8:27pm

It’s rough being a mother’s daughter. People talk about this all the time, it’s not a new or hot take, it’s just the truth. Mother’s daughters are screwed from the beginning, the more mother’s see themselves in their daughters, the worse off it is. Or maybe this is an experience that only a group of people have, not too sure. But I guess I want to talk about my thoughts and my experiences and try not to generalize anything.

Growing up, my mom was always very proud of how much she saw herself in me. Everytime I did good in school, in my sports, in anything that could be leveraged, she always beamed about how I got that skillset from her “genetics”. She talked about how smart I was because she was smart. How athletic I was because she was athletic. How stubborn I am because she was stubborn. Almost every trait I can remember my mom talking about, either good or bad, it was all due to her.

Now I say “bad” because at the end of the day, I have her flaws and shortcomings too. Things that she doesn’t want to acknowledge, or things that she doesn’t realize is problematic. She’s impulsive, unaware, impatient, judgemental, and she tends to have a victim complex with self destructive tendencies. These are traits that I’ve recently identified in myself as well.

I can act out rashly, without having much regard for those around me

I sometimes tend to be blissfully unaware of what I’m doing and how it affects other people

I judge people off of superficial and unimportant traits that usually don’t speak to their true character

I also find myself wondering if I really have been wronged or if I caused the issue in the first place and blame others for my shortcomings

I guess that’s also what I’m doing now, I’m blaming my mother for my shortcomings into adulthood, but I feel like she deserves some blame. She was supposed to care and nurture me, make sure I turn out better than she was. I feel as though she failed at that.

Being now in my adult years, now making more choices about my life and the direction I want to push it, it feels as though she is losing control and grip of who I am. I don’t know if she’s always been like this, or now I’m just old enough to finally see it for myself, but either way it feels destructive. I now have more life experience, not to say that I have a lot, but always more than before, and I realize how sheltered I was growing up from understanding other people’s experiences.

I feel as though I lack empathy, I don’t know how to properly care about other people’s feelings, I don’t know what real love looks or feels like, I don't know how to navigate uncomfortable social situations, I have trouble looking at things from an objective lens, tending to care about my current situation and not look at a bigger picture.

And really, I do blame my mom for not teaching me healthy coping mechanisms or proper ways to treat uncomfortable situations. That was her fucking job as my parent. And now I have to deal with her shortcomings, while also bearing the weight of being just like her.

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satansxlapxcat · 1 year

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Motivation. Who is she and where can I find her?

Lately, I'm not sure about you, but my timeline has blown up with content around getting your body in shape for summer.

"We're only eight weeks away from getting our bodies outside! Get that waist teeny and that ass tight!"

I mean, yes, hell yes, I want to be the baddest babe out on these Seattle lakes this summer. The thing is though, where on Earth do I find the motivation to get going balls to the walls in the gym?

Two years ago (omg - two whole years), I was in great shape. Going to the gym three times a week and watching what I ate - When I think back to that time though, a lot was different.

First off, things were only just opening back up as long as you masked up. Second, my job required almost no thought for me because it was a low level RC job at one of the big Seattle tech firms. Third, I was in a relationship where my boyfriend did most of the cooking. I didn't have many plans with friends because we were still sticking close to bubbles, I wasn't burnt out after work, and I didn't have to worry about making dinner and could come home from the gym, kiss my boyfriend hello while he was cracking into dinner, shower up, and that'd be it.

Long story short, I had more time.

At the beginning of this month, I started a new (and so far the easiest) planning ritual. I color code activities I do either on a weekly or monthly basis, plan out what days I will do what, and that's my schedule for the month. It's been great so far for everything! Everything except, you guessed it, working out.

While I do still somehow make time for the gym twice a week - barely - it's likely not on the days I've 'scheduled'. And even then, I am absolutely dragging or figuring out a way out of it.

Today for instance, I got amazing news from work (a director in my org sought me out for an open position and while my VP said she'd 'cry her eyes out' if I left my department that she'd welcome it if it meant growth in my career), so I decided that I'd skip the gym and let myself celebrate a bit. Celebration meaning having a glass of wine, poured to the brim, up on my rooftop in the chilled but sunny Seattle early evening, and reading more of a book I'm stuck into.

Why on earth would I celebrate wonderful news (being highly regarded at work - wow) by going to the gym?

Honestly, I wish I was more like my dad in this regard. His coping mechanism is going to the gym. He goes. Every. Day. That's how he deals with anything - by doing something active. If I would've grown up in his house instead of my BPD mothers maybe it'd be easier for me to dig up the motivation to go to the gym more often...

But this also isn't just a difference from my situation two years ago versus now or how I wish working out was my coping mechanism, I think deep down it's a difference in how I feel about my life.

Two years ago, sure, I had more time and a boyfriend who did wonderful things like cook dinner most nights. What I failed to let sink in at the time was that I also felt that I had lost all direction in my life and had no control over what was happening to me. Classic pandemic vibes, right?

I'd lost my (still favorite) job in the entertainment industry which was an industry I wanted to be in forever and made a career plan for, I had been unhappy in my relationship for months, and everything felt like it was crumbling around me and I'd never be on solid ground again.

Here comes the obsession with my weight... ⚠️ TW ⚠️

The only thing I could control was how I looked. What I ate and how hard I pushed myself at the gym were the only things I had absolute control over. Not my feelings (I had only just started therapy at that point), not my career (pandemic, remember?), and certainly not how my boyfriend wished I was someone I am not (maybe I'll talk about that another time).

So I went for it. I counted every calorie, only drank on Sunday's because football and even then made sure to count the liquid calories, I tracked all of my workouts and did cardio until I almost couldn't breathe - I let it consume me.

As the pounds came off, I was happy I was reaching my high school weight, my tummy was flatter, I had a thigh gap for the first time ever in my life - I felt accomplished, but in the end it didn't actually make me happy. I was still in a dead end job, still unhappy in my relationship, and still not able to see my friends the way I used to.

Honestly, I am not sure if it's a lack of motivation so much as how much I really feel like I need to make my waist smaller and my ass fatter. Certainly, no one has ever turned me down before. Do I wish I had a flatter tummy and slimmer facial features? Sure. But that's between me, societal beauty expectations, and my own inner critic.

I mean I'm not out of shape, hell I climb 160 floors on the stairmaster and kick ass in a boxing class every week, but I know that I don't want to go back to the mental place I was in to get the body I had two years ago. She was boarding on an ED with the way she would try to compete with herself to eat less calories than she was allotted that day.

I don't want to be her again, but it would be nice to find a way to get the motivation to maybe look more like her.

#motivation #workout #fitness #mental health #body neutrality #body image #summer body

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