#i found a couple small ones in the basement hence using it anyway

[isbergillustration]

Fragment

#acrylic paint #colour pencil #posca pens #drawing #my art #fuck i hate canvas texture #i found a couple small ones in the basement hence using it anyway

[boxofbadaddiction]

A Likely Story

Fred Weasley x Reader

Warnings: Swearing.

This story is inspired from a request of my F.R.I.E.N.D.S Themed Prompt List.

Prompts: 9, 16 & 18

"They don't know that we know they know"

"DANGER!"

"What a small world./Yet I never run into Beyoncè"

"What'd you tell George?"

"Told him I had detention with Snape for setting off Dungbombs in his Second Years class."

"Hmm, very believable."

"That's because it's true."

"Why am I not surprised?"

"What'd you tell your mates?"

"Just said I was going for a walk."

"Guess that'll do. Remind me to give you some pointers on how to lie when we get back."

"Very funny."

Every word spoken echoed off the damp walls of the One Eyed Witch Passage as Fred and Y/n made their way through the dark tunnel. The only source of light being the soft glow emitting from the tips of their wands, allowing only enough visibility to see just infront of them as they walked.

The pair were currently sneaking from the Castle on a day which were not allocated for any Hogsmead Visitations. It were a school day. However, rather than sitting about the Castle grounds for the two free periods in their schedules, Fred had the brilliant idea of escaping the unbearable reign of Umbridge - even if only for a few hours, by taking a trip into town.

"You know they know, right?"

"Ahh, but they don't know that we know they know. Now do they?" Fred grinned as he shoved y/ns shoulder with his own playfully, before intertwining their cold fingers. "I fail to see how that matters" "makes it all the more fun." "Whatever makes you happy, Big Guy." "You mean, aside from you?"

Y/n rolled her eyes at his cheesiness, but smiled nonetheless. Stopping abruptly from a harsh tug at her hand, one that had her being pulled flush against Fred - chest to chest.

Threading his wand between his fingers, he brought his other hand to the back of y/ns neck and kissed her deeply.

The kiss left her flushed, biting her lip to suppress a giddy smile which naturally only caused a smug grin to appear on the face of her partner.

Sensing how inflated his ego was becoming y/n stepped back, shoving his chest, "Hurry up and get me out of here, loverboy, I'm freezing."

This wasn't the first time the two had been in a situation such as this. They had been in a relationship for quite a few months now but were keeping it secret - for the most part anyway, but they knew the others were suspicious.

There were several reasons why they felt their relationship needed to remain secret. One being for the fact Y/n were a Slytherin. Whom for as long as anyone could remember had despised the Weasleys, and vice versa. The second, and most crucial reason was due to y/ns family. She was a Y/l/n. A family who, like the Malfoys and LeStrange, were blood purists and for that matter hated Muggles, Muggleborns and Blood Traitors alike. A trait not inherited by that of the y/l/ns only daughter. Y/n.

After overcoming the years of conditioning by her parents; painting the Weasleys, anyone alike and Muggleborns as the enemy or lessers, she'd surrounded herself with friends of all houses and blood-status.

She even discovered there to be a remarkable amount of similarities between herself and that of the Redheaded family. Soon enough finding herself regularly in comfortable conversation with the Twins during their shared classes, after years of the ridiculous feud between them buried itself in the past. It then naturally didn't take long for her to start falling for the older, louder, Twin.

Though people acknowledged she were different to her family the pair were still hesitant about the reaction they'd receive being together in public, so they thought it best to keep to themselves. Which lead to a lot of sneaking around. Hence todays secret date in Hogsmead.

A few moments later Fred and Y/n reached the trap door of Honeydukes Cellar. Fred was the one to check the coast were clear. Smiling as he watched the owners feet retreating up the basements staircase to the store above. Piece of Cauldron Cake he thought. They silently slipped through the shop, completely unnoticed.

Glad to finally have the freedom to be with one another openly the two let out relieved breaths upon being met with the chilly fresh air of Hogsmead.

They happily strolled throughout the streets hand-in-hand going about their usual routine. A quick stop to The Three Broomsticks for a couple Butterbeers then off to what they'd deemed as "their spot", a clearing by the forest over looking the Shrieking Shack where they regularly met of a weekend for lunch and much needed time together.

Fred was spinning his girlfriend as if dancing as they walked, smiling, laughing and unashamedly flirting loudly as they did so.

The two were in a world of their own as they rough housed in the soft snow, throwing handfuls at one another. Unfortunately, blissfully unaware of the approaching complication in their secret rendezvous.

"Well, well, well." Came a cold voice from behind them, one which sent chills down y/ns spine - she would know that voice anywhere. Lucius Malfoy.

The teenagers turned with identical deadpan expressions to the man before them. "What a small world." "And yet I never run into Beyoncè" y/n countered sarcastically, her tone bitter and harsh.

"Whatever would one make of this, Hmm? A y/l/n fraternising with a Weasley..." Luicus eyed Fred with distaste, as if it were unsettling to simply be in his presence.

Fred stood tall and firm in place; a murderous glare thrown towards the arrogant man as he grit his teeth.

"One?" Y/ns brow raised in question, her voice drawing Malfoys attention back to her. He simply nodded in response, causing the girl to scoff as realisation struck. An exasperated smile tugging at her lips whilst she spoke, "Right. Going to rat me out to Daddy for having a friend, Lucius?" "But of course not." He took a step closer to the couple, "for being outside the grounds of Hogwarts, accompanied by an irresponsible and perpetually reckless boy however..." y/n swallowed harshly, a wave of fear coursing through her veins as her confidence faltered.

"Well, one might say it were my responsibility to report your little...adventure today. My, I can't begin to imagine the misfortune one might be subjected to less the High Inquisitor learn of such a blatant disregard for school protocols. Those for the offenders...or the Headmaster for that matter."

Y/n was silently panicking at these words. Dumbledore has already been on thin ice with the Ministry recently. If anyone finds out, well...that'd be the end of him.

"Of course however, y/n, you would be forgiven on account of your-" "Father." "-innocence, clearly under the manipulation of this one, whom would naturally be expelled." Lucius lazily waved his hand towards Fred. "You don't even know which Weasley 'this one' is." Y/n snapped. "Unimportant. I imagine Delores will be thrilled at the opportunity of finally ridding both from the school. And as for Dumbledore-"

"You're getting ahead of yourself, Malfoy." Fred finally spoke. Stepping forward to stand slightly infront of y/n protectively. His jaw and fists were clenched in rage, knuckles turning ghostly white under the strain in his grip. "Am I?" "Yes. To snitch on us you'd first need proof we were here in the first place." "You Weasleys truly are daft. I believe I have all the 'proof' I'll be needing. Given the fact you are stood right here before me, far from the saftey of the school grounds." "Are we?" Fred subtly reached for y/ns hand as he spoke, holding her palm tight behind his back, eyes staring directly into Malfoys challenging his dominance.

"Because I'm sure if you were to go to the Castle right now; I could be found with my brother and y/n here...undoubtedly studying in the Library." "Is that so?" Lucius had a rather done and ugly expression on his face at Freds antics, whom began smiling wickedly. Uttering a simple "yep." In response.

Their stare-off was broken as Fred glanced over Malfoys shoulder, raising his free arm to wave he greeted loudly, "Hello, Hagrid!" This causing the blonde man to turn in his direction. That was Fred's cue. Taking advantage of the moment and apparating the pair to the passage of the Shrieking Shack.

They took off running, hand-in-hand as they manoeuvred the winding tunnel to the school. Sprinting so quickly that even the Whomping Willow were too slow to react to their sudden appearance as they breached the grounds.

As they reached the, thankfully empty, courtyard they finally allowed themselves the opportunity to breathe and dropped the hold of one anothers hand. Fred swallowed thickly to ease the burning in his throat, "you have to-" "yeah. And you need to-" "yeah."

Exhausted and amused chuckles fell from their lips at the understanding shared between them. Placing one final, frantic, kiss to one anothers lips as goodbye they held each other close not wanting to let go. One of y/ns hands gripped Freds hair tightly whilst the other bunched in the fabric of his shirts collar. Both his hands placed securely on her waist. Y/n whines, knowing he won't be able to break the kiss himself, focusing all her strength she pushed from his chest, "Go" she whispered. Sighing frustratedly from the loss of his lips on hers he nods in agreement before both begin running in opposite directions.

Now thankful he had such a large family Fred was quickly successful in finding a family member to cling himself to. Barrelling down the corridor to where Ron and Harry were walking and conversing over whatever, with their backs to him. Overestimating the force of his current momentum he collided forcefully with the boys shoulders in attempt to steady himself, nearly toppling all three.

"What's your problem!?" Ron snapped angrily. "DANGER!" Fred whisper yelled, very out of breath. The scene brought a rather wide smile to Harrys face, watching as the Twin clutched his side painfully and tried to speak. "If-If anyone asks. I've been here the whole-WHOLE time. Okay!?" He was gesturing wildly between the three of them as he spoke, appearing desperate.

"Oh yeah? And what's in it for us?" Ron asked cockily. "For you, little Brother..." "anything?" He smiled smugly, earning a clap on the shoulder from his flustered older brother. "Not quite, Ronniekins."

Fred's eyes turned dark as he straightened himself, grip tightening on Rons shoulder like a vice. "Cover for me this time and you get to live another day." Ron was wincing at the pain being inflicted by the hold on his shoulder, "You-you can't do anything to me." Harry looked sceptical at this, it was Fred Weasley afterall.

"Can't I? It's a big Castle, Ronnie. Accidents happen." Fred's stare hadn't left Ron's eyes the whole time he spoke. A smirk forming on his face as if taking joy in the countless possibilities he had playing on his mind.

Noticing the poorly restrained fear spreading through his brother as Ron gulped thickly he lightened his grip knowing he's won.

"F-fine. Doesn't bother me anyway. Not like it's a huge inconvenience is it, Harry?" Ron tried to play the moment off cooly, though the panic was evident on his voice. "Not at all" Harry laughed but suddenly his expression soured. Looking forward to the entrance of the hall.

"Is that...Lucius?" The Weasleys heads turned to see the pale face of Malfoy striding towards them accompanied by Delores and...oh God. Freds blood ran cold.

"It is, and Titus Y/l/n! What are they doing here?" Ron growled.

"Danger. Danger. Danger." Fred mumbled from the side of his mouth, avoiding eye contact and looking quite nervous, though he played it off much better than his brother had. The boys looked up to him "You didn't..." they spat. Fred cleared his throat as a warning, and it worked just as well as a confession in Harry and Rons opinion, as the three adults approached.

"Potter." "Malfoy."

"Weasley." "Y/l/n."

"Eh-hem" the teens rolled their eyes. "Professor?"

"Tell me, Mr Weasley" she began, looking straight to Fred, "can you account for your whereabouts this afternoon?" "With these two."

"Where's your Twin?" Lucius rudely interrupted. "Haven't the foggiest. Since, ya know...I'm not with him." "It is strange" Umbridge began, "that you are without your Twin, seeing as how you are rarely to find one without the other." She giggled sickly. "Yeah, rarely. But not never."

At his words Lucius' expression became proud and more confident, turning to Delores now to speak. "He's the one. I'm sure of it." "The one what?"

"Enough of this. My daughter, where is she?" Titus interjects. "What...y/n? Stuffed if I know. Don't fancy myself much a snake charmer. What's with the interrogation?"

"Well it would seem, Mr Malfoy here has a rather interesting story to share on the topic of two seventh years strolling about Hogsmead not even an hour ago. A Weasley and-"

"My daughter. Where is she!?"

"I've already told you. I don't know!" Titus began advancing on Fred, rage burning clear in his eyes, "I'm warning you, Weasley. If you've in anyway involved yourself with y/n I will-"

"Dad?" A soft voice called from the end of the corridor. "Y/n." The girl looked around at the gathered group confusedly before stepping between Fred, Harry and Ron to embrace her Father in a quick greeting. "What are you doing here?" "Where have you been?" "Where-what? I've been-" "the Library perhaps?" Lucius raised a mocking brow. "What? No I-I was taking a walk by the Lake." "A likely story."

"Lucius here, tells me you were in Hogsmead with this boy." Titus gestures to Fred a venom held behind his voice.

Y/n looks over Fred with visible disgust, whilst he smiles coldly back. "Why on Earth would I ever surround myself with the likes of them?" She spits. Looking back to her Father as if highly insulted by his accusation.

Titus observes the interaction carefully as if watching for any weakness in their story. But he finds none. His expression softens as he turns back to his daughter completely. "I apologise, y/n/n. Lucius was obviously mistaken." He glares back over his shoulder to the blonde man who scoffs in response. "I would nev-" "Save it, Lucius." Titus growls. "But, Titus if I may, why would Mr Malfoy report this if it were not-" "you may not." The girls father puts an end to Umbridges interruption as she'd attempted to defend the other man. "I trust my daughter to know of the correct company to keep. Lucius was obviously mistaken and has by extension wasted my time."

Thankfully the adults were too busy bickering for anyone to notice the small smiles that threaten to break onto the faces of the gathered teenagers.

"I'm sorry, dear. I must be leaving now and I hope your studies are going well." "They are Dad, I'll write you and Mum tonight to fill you in on everything. Just as I always do." Y/n smiled. Titus pulled his daughter in for a final hug, placing a soft kiss to her forehead before turning to leave, with a last menacing glare to Delores and Lucius he walked away.

"Well. That will be all, the four of you off to your Common rooms immediately to prepare for dinner. Mr Malfoy if you'd follow me I'll escort you from the Castle." Umbridge spoke.

Harry and Ron couldn't contain their giggles at the insulted reaction shown by Malfoy as he turned to leave.

Lucius took one final look over his shoulder to the teens, who had not moved, being met with the taunting smile and small wave of y/n with Fred now standing confidently beside her.

Once finally out of sight the couple fell into hysterics, Fred wrapping an arm around y/ns shoulder as they laughed.

"What the bloody hell did you two do!?" Ron asked through a wide grin. "Just took a quick trip into town that's all..." "Safe to say our secrets out, Freddie." Y/n whispered to him as she noted all the students watching the group, paying particular attention to Freds arm around her. "Secret? You kidding! You two are the most obvious people on the planet!" Harry quipped. "George has been taking bets on how long it'll take for you two to just come out and admit it." "I know." Spoke Fred, "I had Colin Creevey place 7 Sickles on it for me." "You bet on us!?" "The odds were on my side! But thanks to Malfoy date-crashing I'm out of it now."

"About that, how did you two get back here so fast?" Ron questions.

"We apparated to The Shack then hauled ass." Y/n answered. "The pros of being 17" Fred winked, pulling y/n back into his chest, resting his chin atop her head. As his arms wrapped around her she nestled herself comfortably within his embrace with a lovestruck smile.

"Right well, as amusing as that was, this-" Ron guestured to the couple, "is gonna turn my stomach. And I'm starving so, Harry, coming to get ready for dinner?" the bluntness causing his best friend to roll his eyes with a chuckle. "Yeah alright. And I'll be sure to tell George all about this if we run into him along the way." Harry joked, waving to the couple as they walked towards the Gryffindor common room.

They stood there for a moment, contently basking in each others warmth before y/n turned in place to face her boyfriend with a cheekily grin. "So, still think I need tips on how to lie?" Fred clicks his jaw as he pretends to be deep in thought. Nodding slowly as he answers, "yeah, yep. Absolutely." "I just successfully dooped not only my Father but Delores fucking Umbridge! Okay? I deserve a frickin' gold star."

Fred can't help but laugh at her comment. "Alright, first of all. 'Dooped'? That is the least cool thing you've ever said. Secondly, you're so cute when you get all sassy. And unfortunately for you, I'm fresh out of gold stars...but I'll happily reward you for that semi-decent performance." Y/ns mouth falls open at the last words, "semi-decent!?" Fred nods innocently, "You sir, are a twat!" She states firmly as she pushes out of his arms making the redhead laugh loudly.

Taking a strong grip to her wrist as she begins to walk away he pulls her back to him, wrapping an arm around her waist as the other fists the hair at the nape of her neck pulling her lips into his.

The kiss is hard and passionate, as if he's trying to make up for their spoiled date in this one moment. And it's working, fireworks erupt within y/ns chest as goosebumps spread over her skin and she can't help the soft moans that sound from her throat. It's perfect.

Fred smiles as he rests his forehead against hers, feeling like he's drunk an entire Cauldron of love potion. "You were brilliant today, love." He whispers. "Fred, that kiss was...wow." he hums in response. "I still want the star though." she goads making him roll his eyes and throw his head back in exasperation. She can feel the silent laughter radiate through his body as she holds him close bringing her head to rest against his chest.

Freds arms hold y/n tighter as he lets out a comfortable sigh, placing his head atop of hers. Eyes softly closing in complete bliss. As fun as all the sneaking around was he could get used to this. Holding her when, where and for as long as he wants? To Fred, that sounds exactly like Heaven.

#fred weasley x reader #f.r.i.e.n.d.s #F.R.I.E.N.D.S Themed Prompt List #hp imagine #hp fanfiction #harry potter #george weasley #hp #fred weasley #harry potter fanfiction #weasley twins #harry potter imagine #ron weasley #Lucius Malfoy #Delores Umbridge

[myblueeyedbuggers]

My Boys

Chapter 10

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14

Pairings: Reader x Steve Rogers (best friend) Reader x Bucky Barnes

Word Count:1843

Warnings: Slow Start, Language.

Summary: After being abandoned by her parents in Brooklyn in 1929, y/n makes a living for herself by working for the Црни лабуд gang until she meets two boys in a back alley and her life slowing begins to change.

Annnddd I’m back! so I know it’s been a while since the last update and I just wanna thank you all for having patience with me while I finished up with college, just a warning this chapter may feel a little awkward to read due to me just getting back into my writing mind so apologises in advance for this one. Anyways I’ll quit blabbering, Enjoy everyone! :)

This was my day of reckoning, my punishment for all the bad deeds I’d done over the past couple of years…I was finally being sent to school. Okay maybe that was a tad dramatic, but can you blame me? I mean who wants to be trapped in a building against their will for 7 hours straight learning about dead guys?! No sane person would willingly agree to that crap!

I’ve tried just about everything to avoid my approaching doom, hell I even went as far as hiding in the basement surrounded by cobwebs to try and get out of this, but as per usual neither Steve or Bucky took mercy on me, hence why in currently trapped between the two. “You are aware I’m perfectly capable of walkin’ by myself aren’t ya? The looping of the arms is not needed boys” I swear down these two are being more annoying than usual, and I didn’t think that was humanly possible cause these two are basically the living embodiment of annoyance. Steve turned and raised his eyebrows at me, shaking his head as he let out a small laugh, “Yeah there’s absolutely no way I’m fallin’ for that again, last time that happened it look me and Buck an hour to get you outta that tree”. Ah crap there goes that plan.

I’m pretty sure the noise I made wasn’t even human, it was a mix between a seal and a possessed monkey “I’m not gonna get outta this am I?” “Nope” and que another frustrated groan. “Is this payback for the time I placed that bucket of flour above your bedroom door and watched the both of you turn into ghosts? If it is then I want you to know I regret nothin’” both of them stopped and glared at me, for some reason they didn’t find that as funny as I did, and I have no idea why. Okay whatever you do y/n don’t laugh, even if Steve’s face looks like a slapped arse don’t laugh! A snicker slipped past my lips and a few seconds later I was full on laughin’.  Goddamn it.

Both of em just let out a bunch of sighs and started draggin’ my butt along the street, wait there’s somethin’ I haven’t tried yet…in hindsight this is completely stupid but screw it. “OH MY GOD LOOK A SPACESHIP!” I’m pretty sure poor Bucky jumped outta his skin, Steve ended up trippin’ up and falling down, I’ll admit that I felt bad about but hey may plan worked! So why am I still standin’ there?… maybe we try this thing called running y/n! I quickly pulled my arm away from Bucky and used my new-found freedom to run in the opposite direction of them, I could hear the shouts of protest from the both of them, so I decided to kindly ignore them and absolutely leg it.  “GODAMMN IT Y/N! THIS IS THE FIFTH TIME THIS MORNIN’!” when were the boys gonna catch on that I didn’t wanna go? Do I need to prepare a firework show and blast it in their faces or somethin’…probably.  

I know I probably shouldn’t be smiling, but the feeling of the wind flowing through my hair as my feet hit the ground made me feel free, after so many years I could finally begin acting my age and enjoy my childhood. I finally felt content with my life, which is probably the opposite of what I should be feeling at this moment in time, considering I was currently making my grand escape. And to completely honest I’ve got no bloody clue as to where I am. I glanced behind me to see where the hell those idiots were, to my surprise Steve was directly behind me, Buck was somewhere in the back holdin’ his knee and I’m guessing the daft sod decked it. Why am I not surprised? Okay maybe I should of kept my mouth shut cause literally a second later my foot tripped over a rock and, you guessed correctly, I landed on my ass for the thousandth time!

“Sh*t! Cr*p! B*lls! That f**king hurt!” and that ladies and gentlemen is my fine command of the queens English, a groan of pain made me loose my train of thought as I turned my head to Steve, to put it simply he was laid flat on his back with his eye closed. Well there’s the rush of guilt I’ve been waiting for, “Sh*t Steve I’m sorry, you okay down there tough guy?” I quickly offered him my hand to help him up, I mean it’s the least I could do. Steve’s hand grabbed mine, a not so quiet grunt of pain made me feel even worse, quick question why am I such an assh*le at times? “Yeah, I’m fine y/n, don’t worry about it you know for a fact I’ve had worse” a quiet sigh left my lips as I brought him in for a hug, which was a tiny bit awkward due to the height difference. Once we pulled away from each other, I couldn’t supress the need to check him for anymore injuries, much to Steve’s embarrassment and Bucky’s amusement, “Jesus I’m gonna have to start wrapping ya up in blankets and pillows, Steve how the hell did you manage to get a bruise on your ear?!”

The sudden gasp behind me pretty much answered the question for me, it’s safe to say barney boy is in trouble…for the first in my life Bucky looks pretty f**king terrified of me, perfect. Slowly I started inching towards him, the glare I was sending him would probably make a demon cry for his mum…so yeah imma go kill the boy. I didn’t even have to say anything, he just started runnin’, “IT’S NOT MY FAULT HE STOLE MY FR**KING PUDDIN’ AND THE PUNK KNOWS I LOVE MY PUDDIN!’” YEP DEFINITELY KILLIN’ HIM “HE IS A SMALL AND GENTLE BOY HOW IN THE NAME OF HELL CAN YOU EVEN THINK OF LAYIN’ A HAND ON ‘IM?!” god this sounds like a bleeding soap opera.

 At this point I wouldn’t be surprised of someone called the cops on us, all everyone woulda seen was a big lad runnin’ for his life as a small lass tried to murder him while a smaller lad ran after the pair yellin’ for em to quit it.  Now that I think about, that’s actually hilarious. Wait, where was I? ah yes the murdering of one James Barnes…okay that is not a normal sentence I am aware. “HE.STOLE.MY.PUDDIN’! THAT A CRIME WORTHY OF DEATH!” oh for f**ksake “HOW THE HELL DO YA KNOW IT WAS HIM?! DID YOU NOT THINK IT COULDA BE BECCA?!” I think he made a sudden realisation, cause the dumbass stopped running and BOOM I was on the freakin’ floor. Again. We both groaned, mine was mostly in annoyance more than anything, but seriously the bloody floor is quickly becoming me best mate! “…. It just dawned on me that that could be a possibility…” if my neck twisted any quicker I’m 100% sure that I’d end up doin’ that weird owl thing “Oh now you realise?! Ya gonna say sorry to Steve or not?” a few seconds of silence gave me my answer. “Don’t give me that look y/n! I ain’t doing s**t till I’ve got some evidence so he’s still under my list of suspects!” oh my Jesus Christ this is gonna be the day I get arrested for murder isn’t it?

“Barnaby…you have exactly five seconds to run for your life so I highly recommend you get your affairs in order and kiss ya ass goodbye” oh hey look at that I didn’t yell at him! Well done me I’m so proud! “could you two quit trying to kill each other for 5 minutes?! We’re already late enough as is it and I ain’t explainin’ to the teacher why Buck’s outta it on the floor!” my f**kin god Steve just yelled! At me! why do I never have a camera when this s**t happens?  “Jeez, alright I’ll murder him later, calm your damn t*ts Rogers” and cue the sound of barely contained frustration in 3,2,1….

“I’m beginning to get the feelin’ that you don’t like me y/n” oh really? I wonder what gave that away “wow you catch on quickly don’t ya Barnaby?” by the looks of things I’m really doing wonders for his ego, buck’s head looks like it’s gotten smaller so the risk of him turning into a hot air balloon’s gone down. The feeling of a pair of eyes glaring at the back of my head once again reminded me that the blonde boy was quickly getting tired of our crap, my worst fears were confirmed once I met Steve’s surprisingly intimidating glare…how he manages to be both adorable and beyond f**king terrifying is a mystery to me. “Okay I’m comin’ just stop staring at me like I just murdered your kitten!” and the little s**t has the nerve to smirk and look pleased with himself, ugh he’s been hanging ‘round me and Bucky too long that’s for sure.

“Ya know Buck and you are gonna be the death of me” right do I be offended or pleased with that statement? “actually, if anything it’s gonna be the pair of you that send me to an early grave cause god knows the both of ya don’t know how to stay outta trouble” two muffled sounds of protest came from my left and from behind me, “what’s that supposed to mean?!” once again the point has been missed “do you really wanna know the answer to that? I’ve got my report and presentation ready on how you two are a pair of numpties”.

Maybe that was a tad harsh…okay wait never mind it seems I’ve learned how to fly again with the assistance of one James Buchannan Barnes. “this is coming from the girl who can’t walk five feet without fallin’ over somethin’?” as much as I hate to admit it the walking embodiment of frustration and annoyance has a point “what you call fallin’ I call floor hugs, now how about you pUT ME DOWN FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!” wait when did Steve walk off? See this is what happens when an overgrown ape demands attention. I don’t even have to look at Buck to know he’s givin’ me that look that says, “what the hell?” and “I’m not surprised by this” at the same time, “Nah I don’t think that’s gonna happen doll” the temptation to kick ‘im where the sun doesn’t shine is too much to bare for me at this point. “And you wonder why I love Steve more that you” Buck’s face kinda looked like someone just shoved a whole lemon in his mouth, I’m almost certain that he woulda dropped me on my ass if it wasn’t for the fact that Steve came over and dragged us both through the gates of hell.

This is gonna be so much fun!……said no-one ever.  

Okay…maybe it didn’t suck as much a thought it did, hopefully my skills as a writer will come back for the next couple of chapters XD Thanks for reading ! :)

Rose xxx

#winter soldier x reader #winter soldier #captain america x reader #captain america #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers #mcu #fanfic #reader #reader insert #sebastian stan #sebastian stan x reader

[unforth]

Hi there! I absolutely loooove the destiel fic collection and think that it's a genius way to expose fans to fics that might not always get as much attention on fic recs and when searching on ao3. I was thinking of trying to create a similar collection for another fandom and was wondering if you have any tips? Or if there's anything that you wish you knew when you started it? Thank you!

Hi!! Just for openers, sorry I didn’t reply to this yesterday, my mom’s basement flooded and took with it all my writing time, sigh. ANYWAY. On to the topic at hand. How to make a “faves survey” for another fandom, and have it resemble what I’ve made for Destiel? Well, here’s what I’ve done, hopefully some of it will be applicable to you...

1. This is the most important part: Do NOT let it become or be perceived as a popularity contest. Never release the raw stats (except perhaps to a small number of people who you trust to help you). Never announce a “winner.” Never share a ranked list. Never act as if more votes equals better. Never ever suggest in anyway that your purpose to find “the best.” Treat people and fics who get one vote with just as much fanfare as people and fics who get 50 votes. I do release a “top 20″ list just because so many people asked, but even then, it’s in alphabetical order, and meant more as a snapshot. Encourage people to vote for their favorites that aren’t already in whatever collection you end up making, and encourage people to vote for things they don’t usually see on rec lists. Aim for an expansive range of types of fics being voted for, and make it clear - no ship shaming (or secondary ship shaming, if yours is ship-based like mine, rather than being general to a given fandom) or kink shaming. 

2. Keep the survey super simple. People don’t read complex instructions, and they’re not going to want to rank lists or anything like that. You can see the one I use here. Feel free to emulate it, copy it, modify it for your own purposes. I used to just do boxes but people would routinely put in way more than 5/10, and while I didn’t really mind the extras, it greatly increased the amount of work I had to do, and since the survey routinely gets a couple hundred replies that I go through, I decided to make it a little harder for people to go over the limits. Don’t bother asking for people’s names or trying to validate the results. I’ve tried. People don’t want to put their names, and validation encourages people not to submit...AND doesn’t prevent cheating...so is really pointless. Just keep it anonymous, after four rounds I can say...that works best.

3. And, speaking of people going over the limits, and cheating...people will cheat. No matter how clear you are that number of votes don’t matter, no matter how much you insist that whatever data you’re collecting will only be used in so-and-so a way...you will spot people “cheating,” for various definitions of the word cheating. People who vote for their own works. People will submit multiple surveys. People will “ballot box stuff” for their favorite(s). People will list more than the maximums you’ve asked them to. People will submit works from other ships, and - though it’s never happened to me - if you make it fandom-general I’ll lay heavy odds at least one dumbass will submit for some other fandom entirely. It happens in different permutations every time, some more obvious than others, but it happens. And the conclusion I reached is...so fucking what? In the end, since the idea is to highlight as many different great works as possible...screw it. Let people vote for themselves. Let people ballot box stuff. Let people submit multiple surveys, or list more than whatever maximums you’ve set. In the end, since every work is treated as equal and one vote is worth as much as a hundred...if they’re cheating to up the vote count, it’s irrelevant, and if they’re cheating to vote for more works, then yay! more works to include! and basically the only thing I’ve found that reduces cheating is to make it absolutely clear to people that I’d really rather they not but ultimately I can’t stop them, so do their thing I guess? And it does help. I got less cheating each time I do it, or at least less that I’m able to catch lol. (as a side note - the one exceptions is the “works for others ships.” Those you can see listed on the “INELIGIBLE” sheet of the spreadsheet I link below, but I don’t add them to the AO3 collection.)

4. Spreadsheets are your best friend. You’re going to want some way to organize the data you’re collecting. I’ve got a public version of the sheet I use that you can see here. It’s pretty similar to my “private” version, except the private version includes actual vote counts, separated by which time(s) I did the survey that the work in question got votes. I mostly use that data so I can do comparisons over the years (“this year X works were added to the collection that were never in it before!”) and because I like numbers. However, depending on how exactly you plan to use the data, you may not even need to tally vote counts, and you could do one that’s more similar to my public version. Also, if you make an AO3 collection, you’re going to want some way to track which works you’ve invited, which have been added, etc., cause otherwise it’s just a nightmare to keep track of. (a little more on this later).

5. Decide how and where you’re going to share your data - as an AO3 collection? As a public spreadsheet? On social media? Maybe you want to make a side Tumblr just for it? Or a Discord server? etc. etc. Like, I’ve got a pillowfort group (though I hardly use it) and a channel in a Discord server (thanks again to the PB folks for making space for me!) with the AO3 collection being the main portal. You want to make sure that it’s advertised enough that people know it exists, and also be prepared that short term you’ll hear basically no feedback on whether people use it, and even long term it’ll be once in a blue moon and suddenly eight people will be like WAIT YOU’RE THE PERSON BEHIND THAT THING I LOVE THAT THING. In that respect it can feel a little thankless but I’ve definitely found that people do use it, it’s just that there’s no real way for people to let YOU know they’re using it (and, honestly...good? This isn’t really about us, after all, it’s about all these fic writers, the goal is to bring attention to them, not ourselves, we’re just a go-between for the writers and the readers.)

6. For making an AO3 collection, you’ll have to invite every single work individually. Some people have their accounts set to auto-accept invites, but otherwise whether the work actually gets added will depend on the authors. Some people will never accept the invite. Some people won’t know how to accept the invite. Some people will accept the invite and then subsequently remove their work. Some people have left these parts completely and will never even see the invite. That’s why it’s important to track who has added and who hasn’t, and periodically double check it (I double check every six months or so). For the people who don’t accept the invites for whatever reason, you can bookmark the item to the collection. HOWEVER, if you do this with your personal account, every single one of those bookmarks will be listed under your personal AO3, which is why I ultimately made the Faves survey its own account - it’s entirely to facilitate bookmarking. You can also use the “Bookmark External Work” feature to link to works that aren’t on AO3, and to tag them to whatever extent you want to. Here’s some examples of how I chose to bookmark external works.

7. Things will inevitably get complicated. Authors will change their names. People who do the survey will use shorthand you’ve never heard of for some fic you don’t know. People will misspell things and you’ll either recognize it even with the typo...or you won’t. People will vote for things that list eight different ships and you’ll have no idea which one is endgame. People will vote for things that have been deleted, or they’ll tell you it’s definitely on AO3 when it’s not, it’s on some other platform. The list of random things I’ve had to deal with is stupidly long and I’ve probably forgotten even more. Just...roll with it. Do your best. Ask for help (“Someone nominated a fic abbreviated as ABC to the collection and didn’t give the author and I have no idea what it is, help me Tumblr!”). And in the end, if you’ve done everything you can think of and you still don’t know...let it go. It’s just not that worth worrying about. And sometimes if you step away and look again in a few days you’ll figure out another way to search and it’ll pop up. But honestly I’ve got a handful of works I still haven’t been able to track down, and that one work that someone submitted that’s only available in Finnish and is explicit and behind a log-in wall on a small independent Finnish-only fic archive...well, I spoke to the author and confirmed the work exists, but otherwise...whelp, it’s not linked, and I did my best. That’s all you can do.

8. No matter what you do, someone somewhere will probably get upset about it. The first time I did the survey, when it got the most traction, I actually got a little hate, and I got some anons who were like “oooooo did you know that ~x~ is cheating” and I had a little “HOW DARE YOU NOT PLAY FAVORITES WHAT ABOUT MY PERSONAL FAVE?” and just...decide how you’re approaching the survey, and stick to your guns, and if anyone is a douche, hit the block button. And, related...

9. Transparency is most important imo. Not transparency for vote counts obviously, but transparency for what you’re doing, and why you’re doing it, and what you hope to accomplish. Make sure your goals are clear from the start (mine weren’t that first time, hence some of the problems I encountered) - if it’s to highlight as wide a range of works as possible, say that. If it IS to pick a favorite, say that too. Just be clear, and honest, and above board, and it should work out okay.

10. Side note...one of the saddest things about all this is that if you do it over an extended period you’ll see authors deleting their works. As such, I personally chose to download every work that gets a vote, that way it’s at least preserved. I then expanded that into a much larger archive that I’m still adding to all the time, trying to save as much Destiel as possible. But then, I’m an archivist at heart, whether you want to branch out in that kind of direction is up to you.

...okay, that’s everything I can think of. Hopefully I didn’t scare you too bad. I don’t know what fandom/ship you’re looking at but for perspective...first time I did the survey I got about 400 replies, and then the next two times it got about 200, and this most recent time it got about 300. I chose to do mine annually, on the assumption that gives some time for people to come and go for fandom and a lot of new works to get created, and I deliberately timed it for about a month after the biggest fandom event (the DCBB) that generates fics, to give people time to read those fics and consider them in their voting. For me, that means I happen to run the survey starting on January 1st, and I keep it limited to 15 days, since usually it tapers off anyway. But you could try experimenting with different schedules, or leaving it open all the time, etc., it just depends how much time you want to devote to monitoring and updating it. For me, I mostly want to do a big burst of work and then not have to think about it most of the rest of the time, lol.

So...questions? comments? thoughts? wanna tell me I’m dead wrong? I’m all ears, lemme know how I can help!

#destiel favs survey #unforth replies #sorry if this is a mess I've GOT to do some writing so I don't want to take the time to edit it #treatlouwithkindness

[sunlitroom]

Gotham – s5e08 – Nothing’s Shocking

As I watched it, and some random observations here and there.

Previously on Gotham:

Bye-bye, Wayne Manor.  Mr Penn is dead.  Jim and Barbara had a mini-fling in his office. Lee forgot she spent the last few months banging Ed and got judgey with Jim.  Barbara said Jim didn’t think she was fit to be a mother.  Oswald is leaving Gotham by submarine. Jeremiah’s actions caused toxic chemicals to be spilled into the river.  We have a lovely flashback from season one, with Harvey’s old partner.  Remember season one?  Those were the days.

None of the super-intense Bruce and Jeremiah stuff made the previously?  O….k.

 As always, long post will be long.  There are likely to be rambling digressions. Gobblepot might appear (although I welcome all shippers and non-shippers alike :)).  There will be naked favouritism and naked not-favouritism.  Broader comments at the end on plotlines and parallels and general direction.

Sirens, where a sequinned Barbara chats to a patron.  She distastefully eyes two older men who are very much not in the style of her usual clientele – but allows them one drink, after much pleading, when they give her a small piece of intel about heating oil on the black market.

As they’re standing at the bar, they are approached and jovially greeted by Harvey’s old partner – much healthier than we saw him last.  His face hardens for a moment as he asks them if they ever think about the girl. They frown – and ask him what he’s talking about.  Stone-faced now, he replies

About what we did to the girl

Barbara notices a third old guy in her establishment and is irate.  She strides towards them

It’s like the living dead in here

While she’s walking towards them, Dix pulls two knives and stabs each of the men in the throat.  He leaves before their bodies even hit the floor – blood spurting from the wounds.

 At the hospital – Alfred is asking a woman to repeat her story for Mr Wayne

A pale and injured woman says that she’s with a group living in a shelter in the west of the city. There’s so much uncertainty and fear with the river poisoned, it should have been awful, but they came together and made it a home.

Recently there’s been rumours about something underneath the building, in the basement and sewers. People have gone missing.  She and her husband went to investigate. Something attacked them.  She was knocked out, and when she woke – he was gone. She turns to Bruce, tearful.

Please Mr Wayne – we have a daughter

Bruce tells her they do everything they can.  He walks a little away with Alfred and asks if they should tell Jim (he actually says Gordon – which seems a little odd).  Alfred says he’s stretched thin.  Bruce eyes Alfred carefully.  Alfred tells Bruce that lady sent for them, a man is missing – what does he think they should do.  Bruce looks at him and replies:

Let's go find them

 At Sirens.  Harvey and Jim have come to investigate.  Barbara tells them that under normal circumstances she wouldn’t call them for a couple of stiffs.  She’d handle it herself, and generate about four more corpses in the process.

(An aside – just a quick one – but look at how rootless and redundant Oswald seems later in this episode, and how much better running the bar and hoarding intel would suit him.  I know they don’t really know what do with Barbara, but it really is irritating.)

Jim asks why she called. She nods at the corpses

Take a look

Harvey knows them - Boggs and Lewis – cops from before Jim’s time.  Barbara says that they offered 3rd rate intel and begged a drink.  Some other fossil knifed them.  She frowns.

Nicks, Hicks, Dix

Harvey shakes his head at the mention of Dix’ name.  He was in a wheelchair – could never walk in.  No way

Barbara doesn’t particularly care.  She rubs her bump and looks a little tired.  She tells Harvey she called as a courtesy, and he’s confusing her for someone who cares.  

Jim and Harvey have a quick private talk.  Harvey says that he doesn’t even know he's still in Gotham.  Guiltily, he says he meant to check up on him, but….he trails off. Jim says they still need to talk to him.

Jim walks to Barbara at the bar and asks how she’s feeling.  She says she’s fine - thanks for asking.  Jim says he’s been giving her space, but they need to talk about how this will work, since he’s

Going to be part of this kid's life

She says he seems confident. He says he is.  Reunification will happen, and she should think about what’s coming, and what kind of person she wants to be when it does.  Doesn’t she want the chance to start anew?

Barbara juts her chin

I like who I am

Jim eyes her disbelievingly

Uh huh

And leaves.

(An aside.  Jim doesn’t seem to consider, or maybe won’t allow himself to consider, that one reason Barbara clings to her new identity and role is because the old one, who had a life all planned with him, is too painful to ever imagine revisiting.  It’s also interesting to get a glance at his psychological workings.  Jim was absolutely up to his neck in it with the whole Sofia Falcone business – but that’s OK now because he’s moved on and decided to turn over a new leaf.  Is it as simple as that, then?  The past is excusable if you decide to turn over a new leaf?   All sins forgiven?  It’s not exactly the philosophy we’ll hear him espousing later with Harvey.

 In the library with Ed, where it’s seemingly always drafty.  Ed is working on the submarine when several bells chime – his alarm system

(A quick aside before proceeding.  I found this C plot pretty dreadful – to the point that I was bored and irritated when the action moved away from the A and B plots to come back here.  Given how much I adore Oswald, that’s a pretty big statement.  I’m going to summarise where possible – except when I feel the need to whine – because these take a long time and hurt my hands)

It’s Oswald.  Ed snaps that he was due ages ago.  Oswald brushes this off, saying that he’s brought lunch and met Dale (a hulking man Oswald obviously sees as useful muscle)

Ed snarls that they’re supposed to have a secret plan to get off the island – how can he trust this man? Oswald snips back that Dale is mute and dumb as a post, and that Ed is paranoid.  Ed says they’re being watched – hence the alarms system

Oswald seems unconcerned, picking up random bits of metal and asking how the

SS Gertrud is coming along?

(Oh, Oswald)

Ed says the sonar is very complex. Oswald, checking his nails through a magnifying glass, says he is confident he will figure it out.

Ed snatches the glass from him

Of course I will!  I figure everything out, because I'm the only one working!

(An aside.  Well – Oswald is very clever, but he’s not a scientist or an engineer.  Would you really want him helping?  Probably not. The best person to work on this with Ed would be Lucius.  Maybe Ed’s snit is because he’s daydreaming about Lucius striding in to help him. Maybe push him up against a filing cabinet again.)

An irritated Oswald reminds Ed that he stole all the valuable stuff, and he’ll be giving Ed half.

Ed yells that Oswald’s goons stole that for him, and then Oswald killed them

(An aside – again, stupid. Oswald’s a kingpin – he doesn’t do his own burglaries.  Ordering them to do it amidst all the chaos and commandeering a building with a vault was the clever bit)

The bells ring again. Oswald and Ed squabble over who it might be.  NotGabe is about to shoot when the door opens, but Oswald stops him.  It’s……Mr Penn.

Hello Mr Cobblepot

Oswald is genuinely happy to see him, laughing, and grabbing his shoulders.  Oswald being Oswald, his mood turns in a second to irate

You’re only coming to me now?!

Penn replies that he wouldn't let me.  Oswald asks who.  Turning to the case he carried in with him, Penn pulls out an old wooden dummy of a gangster.

This is Mr Scarface

Oswald turns to Ed, who offers a sarcastic wonderful

Oswald turns back to Penn, and stares at him askance

Outside Dix’ apartment. Jim is telling a somewhat unhappy Harvey that even if he’s sure Dix is in the clear - they have to ask

Harvey says that’s not it – he should have visited before now.  Jim shrugs.

Look - what can you do, right?

Wow -we’re getting insights into Jim’s psychology all over the place today.  No point stressing about what you’ve done, or not done, and as long as you turn over a new leaf, it doesn’t count anyway.  Is this why he’s forgetful when it comes to saying sorry? I mean – don’t get me wrong – it’s important not to let things fester, and important to move on, but I kind of feel there’s a line between mature closure and the determination to do better, and a vaguely sociopathic blitheness over past transgressions.

When they knock the door, they’re greeted with a hole being blown in it.   After a bit of yelling, they go inside and meet Dix, who feels that his home security system is justified given the state of the city, before he and Harvey have a guilt-ridden little exchange

Figured you forgot about me.

Look, partner, when the bridges came down, I got busy and….

Oh, sure, sure.  You forgot me.  Everybody forgets.

I didn't forget.

Jim, meantime, is looking round.  He spots a case on the bed and asks Dix if he’s planning on taking a trip.  He offers a cagey ‘maybe’ in response.  Jim asks where he was last night.  Dix responds with a blustery

You asking me if out there killing Boggs and Lewis?  I heard about that

Jim says Dix was a detective - what would he say in the same situation. Dix agrees he’d think the same thing, but reiterates that he didn’t do it, and says he’s packing a case because he’s worried he’s next.

He looks significantly at Harvey, who looks worried.  Jim ushers Harvey to the side and asks what the connection is.  Harvey sheepishly says they all worked a case back when Harvey was a rookie. A woman killed husband – but it was all open and shut.  He insists it wasn’t Dix

A disbelieving Jim says that Barbara told them the bartender heard the name Dix, and tells Harvey this stinks.

There’s a hammering at the door.  Confusingly, it’s another Dix.  In a scuffle with Jim, which Jim wins – the second Dix’s face comes off in his hand.

 Alfred and Bruce wander through the sewers, which apparently run alongside the river.  Bruce adds bitterly that the river is now filled with Jeremiah’s toxins.

They hear a weird noise, which they follow.  Alfred finds a hand – which appears to have bite marks on it.  He can’t tell, though, whether it’s animal or human.  Peering down the tunnel, the blood trail suggests whatever did it dragged the rest of body in this direction.  They follow.

At GCPD, Harvey, Dix and Jim are talking.  The mask they removed from the attacker seems to be made of human skin.  Jim quotes a name at Harvey that makes him startle, Victoria Cartwright.  Harper cross-referenced a bunch of old cases to get the name. Harvey and Dix look uncomfortable, and Jim asks if Harvey’s going to tell him what he’ll find in the file.

Harvey replies that she was the wife of a banker.  He and Dix take turns telling the story.

She led a very boring life. Until she snapped and put two 38 calibre slugs into her husband. End of story.

Jim is unimpressed

You guys rehearse that?

He says the file states that there was no physical evidence.

Harvey says she was convicted on her 7-year-old daughter’s evidence.  He blusters a little, and says they should be looking for Clayface – not messing about with this.  

Jim asks Harper for the Cartwrights’ old address – which is apparently in the greenzone.  A stung Harvey asks if Jim is benching him.  Jim tells him to keep an eye on his partner

Back at the library, Oswald tries to reason with Penn – but makes him indignant by getting his name wrong. Ed goes back to work – but is half-listening.

Apparently Scarface knows about Oswald’s treasure.  A concerned Oswald says that Penn needs rest and a psychiatrist.  Ed scowls at this.  I’m not sure why.  The reminder that his own fractured personality needs professional care? Because he doesn’t want to share the loot with Penn?  Because he’s trying to concentrate?  This whole plot is such a redundant muddle.

The puppet insults Oswald and tells him to shut up.  There’s a squabble which results in notGabe being shot in the chest so Oswald will take Scarface seriously.

 At GCPD, where Harvey and Dix are talking over the mess they’re in.  Apparently, Boggs and Lewis were idiots, and should have realised that Dix couldn’t walk.  

They both ponder whether think the Cartwright girl said something

There’s a pause, and Harvey asks whether Dix has been getting food and medicine

What if I said no?

I'd feel like crap

No.

Harvey laughs, and Dix playfully bats his face.  He then reassures him the Cartwright girl is dead.  Some buddy of his was a screw at Arkham and told him she died a few years ago – so this has nothing to do with her.  Oh dear.

 Jim and Harper approach an old house.  It looks deserted and dilapidated.  It’s daytime, but the weather looks squally and depressing.  We see that they are watched from a high window, and hear a soft sigh.

Jim and Harper call out that they are coming in.  The house still has furniture, but looks like someone simply stopped the clocks and left it alone – no sign of looting or vandalism. In a nod to The Changeling, there’s a dusty old-fashioned child’s wheelchair in the corner of the room.  

Jim wanders to the mantelpiece and picks up a photograph.  It’s a family scene – but only the mother’s face remains – the daughter and husband’s have been scratched out.

The cop assisting Jim and Harper searches upstairs.  He enters a large attic.  We hear wind whistling through the windows, and hear shaky breathing coming from someone wearing a plain white mask.

The masked person watches as the discomfited cop finds a dressing table with lots of masks on it. As he steps back, the masked person emerges to stand behind him, and stabs him in the back.

At the sound of him hitting the floor, Harper and Jim go to investigate.  As they’re still making their way upstairs, we see the masked woman touch the cop’s face and moan as she absorbs it, and then becomes him.

Jim and Harper are now in the attic.  We see one of those very creepy old porcelain dolls on a chair.  Jim and Harper remark that there’s been someone living here. Pop pop in the attic.

Harper asks what the smell is

The cop emerges from the other room – telling them that it’s all good – no-one is here.  Jim looks quickly through the crack in the door to the room he emerged from, and sees the cop’s body on the floor.

Turning quickly, he decks the fake cop.  On the ground, the face changes, and the girl whimpers.

Don't look at me!  Don’t look at me!

Back at GCPD, Jim is interrogating the suspect, who is still masked.   Jim’s tone is harsh

We found your handiwork.  Nothing to say? You're gonna have to take that mask off.  The only way you're gonna keep that mask on is if you talk. Otherwise, I'm gonna reach over this table, and I'm gonna rip it off of your face.

Harvey watches from behind the glass.

The girl looks to the side. Jim asks again

Who are you?

She answers,

Nobody

Jim tilts his head

You're not Jane Cartwright? Because you were in her childhood home.  You're about the right age.  Talk to me, Jane.  I know after your mother was convicted, you ended up a ward of the state. In and out of institutions until you ended up in Arkham. Then you vanished. Some say died. What happened to you?

We see tears rise in Jane’s eyes.

Me?  Nothing happened to me

Jim looks at her carefully, and tries a different tack.

Okay.  What happened to Jane?

She looks at him

Oh.  Lots happened to Jane.

Harvey is still watching.

She was taken from Arkham.  Down, down down, the doctor did things to her, experiments on her and others.

Jim tilts his head. Hugo Strange?

She answers.

The professor was obsessed with the power to change. The way a chameleon would change its skin. He wanted humans to have that power. He made it so Jane could change her skin her bones, her hair, the colour of her eyes. All it takes is a single touch, and her body becomes a mirror. When it's done, she sheds her skin and starts anew. It remembers everyone it touched.  

She pauses.

It's touched you, Detective.

Harvey watches – face sombre.  

Jim tells her we can help you, Ms Cartwright

She talks in an odd, soft, flattened voice

Jane Cartwright is dead.  She died in Arkham.  That's when Jane Doe was born.

Jim asks why she killed all the cops.  She tells him to ask his friend, and then leans back in her chair.  Jim leaves.

Once he’s gone, Jane slowly pulls her hand though the cuffs.  It’s very like Eugene Victor Tooms – if you remember the X-Files. I nearly expected that odd incidental string music to play

 Alfred and Bruce are still following creepy sounds.  Bruce’s torch dies.  A man runs at them, yelling, and tackles Bruce to the ground.  He’s clearly terrified and turns out to be Hank. Apparently everyone else is dead.

Almost immediately, a large monstrous man appears and there’s a big brawl.  He hits Bruce and drags Hank away, chased by Bruce and Alfred.

 Back at the library. The sudden loss of tension when we arrive back here is really obvious.  I love Oswald, and Ed is never boring – but this is dull.

Oswald wants to understand this.  Look – I’m summarising: Penn woke up in the morgue, recuperated in a magic shop, and poured all his festering resentment and rage into the puppet.  He tells Oswald he chewed him up and spat him out

(A quick aside. Did Oswald treat Penn badly during his annoying dictator phase?  Yes.  Was Penn Sofia Falcone’s mole in Oswald’s organisation?  Yes.  Is it actually surprising that Oswald didn’t shoot him on sight?  Yes.)

Oswald says this is a lie, but Ed decides to wade in

Please Oswald – it’s what you do

(An aside. Not sure how much damage the chip did to Ed’s head, but he’s seemingly forgotten that unpleasant and coercive incident where he – to all intents and purposes – trapped Oswald in his apartment, ignored his wishes, drugged him, manipulated his grief, used him – all so he could get murder lessons.)

Scarface wants the treasure and to be boss.  There’s squabbling back and forth.  Ed cuts in again.

You know what, Oswald? Honestly, you deserve this.  You are opportunistic, your loyalty is shaky, at best, and you will hurt anyone, anyone to get what you want.

Oswald snaps back

I hardly think you're one to throw stones!

(An aside – again, it just doesn’t work.  Oswald is undoubtedly opportunistic.  But he’s loyal to a select few.  And he will not hurt anyone to get what he wants – we’ve been explicitly told that his heart is his biggest weakness. Oswald at least throws the accusation back at him – but it’s still stupid to start with)

To talk Scarface/Penn down from the current conflict – Ed offers him a place on the submarine. Whatever.

 GCPD, the locker room. Harvey is talking to Dix.  He says they did a bad thing.  Dix said they put a killer in jail – she was guilty and got what she deserved.

Harvey said they made the girl into a murderer.

He removes his tie

You, your friends, the kid – I’m gonna make sure you never do that again

‘Harvey’ lurches forward and strangles Dix with his tie

Outside, Jim asks Harper where Dix is.  She replies that Bullock took him in the back.

Barbara appears.  Her bartender heard say Dix say something before the kill, and she thought she’d be a good citizen and pass it on

The kid's guilty too

Jim frowns in thought. Barbara keeps talking

Listen what you said before, about me being a known criminal. I was on some list your army buddy had.  When the government rolls in, am I going be arrested?

Jim says he doesn’t know

Barbara juts her chin – eyes guarded

But that would work out for you, right?  I go to jail - you get the baby.

Jim says he doesn’t want that.

Barbara looks at him hard

Is that a promise? I go straight, I'm clear?

(An aside.  I mean – while it’s nice that Jim claims here he doesn’t want Barbara to go to jail and him keeping the baby – I’m not clear how he’s got here from telling her last week that she was an unfit mother. Barbara’s reasoning is entirely logical. Jim thinks she’s isn’t fit to look after a child.  Jim judges her at every opportunity.  Jim thinks she belongs in jail, and definitely not mothering his child.

There’s something kind of alarmingly Victorian about all this.  Jim likes the idea of being the staid authority figure.  Then you have Barbara, the woman fallen from aristocratic grace.  And then there’s the child – that would be removed from her and brought up without the tainted association.  

In short, you can see how Barbara got there.  What I can’t see is what led to Jim’s apparent change of heart.)

Their conversation is interrupted by Harvey’s arrival.  Jim tell her to stay put, then asks where he took Dix.  Harvey says he didn’t - they realise something is wrong, and rush off.

Entering the locker room, Harvey rushes over to Dix’s body.  Jim says jane must have taken some of Harvey’s clothes from his locker so she could change shape.

Harvey’s in shock, though, and not listening.  Jim has to shake him and tell him they’re going to find her.  They leave.

 Down in the sewers, Bruce and Alfred fight big angry toxin man.  Bruce flings shards of glass at him to give Alfred the advantage, but then has to stop Alfred from beating him to death.

 Jim and Harvey head back out of the locker room, yelling that GCPD is now in lockdown, and that Jane can look like anyone

Barbara appears at the door, calling for Jim, claiming to have been attacked.  Jim asks how he can know it’s her.

On cue, a second Barbara appears – and we have instant confusion.  One of the Barbaras claims

It's me, you idiot

Which Harvey feels is convincing, but Jim asks

Tell me where we first met?

One can’t answer and grabs the real Barbara – putting a gun to her head. There’s some pushing and shoving.  Jane flees, and Barbara is pushed to the floor.  Jim tells Harper to take her to his office and not let her out of sight.

 Back at the library. Again – I’ll be summarising. Ed is berating Oswald for playing along with Penn’s psychosis and giving him a share of the treasure.  He says he has an idea and he’ll give a signal.

Penn decides he’s going along with the submarine plan – but Oswald is to be shot.

Oswald pleads – talks about their shared past, but it’s not working.  He says he took him into his home, and adds

And yes, I was not a good friend.  To you or to anyone.   (He glances at Ed here) It's why I'm alone.  But I saw you for what you are, and I valued that. That’s got to be worth something.

(An aside.  What now?  I’m not saying Oswald’s perfect – but come on.  He voluntarily went to Arkham to protect Jim.  He didn’t kill Tabitha back in season 3 because he knew it would hurt Butch.  He visited Ed in Arkham, and took him gifts.  For goodness sake – he even tried to forge a friendship with Sofia Falcone.

I honestly find this exhaustingly bad.  I know that the true purpose of this scene is apparently to give us some kind of final message on how Oswald and Ed are actually friends – but if the only way you can do that is by isolating them in their own storyline and explicitly making the whole plot about their friendship, then you’ve failed.  Sorry.  Stuff like this should be evident week by week, in the smallest details.  It’s there, for example, every time Selina and Alfred exchange a look about Bruce’s idealism.  Or when Harvey watches Jim with genuine concern.  It was even there, recently, when Ed’s eyes lit up when Lucius acknowledged his expertise.  

I don’t really understand why it hasn’t happened with Ed and Oswald – all I know is that it hasn’t.  I’ve never made any bones about the fact that I’ve found this relationship poorly written, ooc and inconsistent – but wow, was it ever apparent here.  Whereas the other relationships I’ve mentioned seem solid and well-constructed, and speak for themselves - this relationship feels like it’s held together with duct tape while someone keeps yelling ‘isn’t this great!? Isn’t it the best!?  OMG!! Such a deep scene!’)

Anyway.  Penn yells that all Oswald does is take take take and never gives anything.  He’s a liar and a thief.  Mr Penn.  You’re nice enough – but you chose to work for gangsters.  What were you expecting?

Ed makes one of the instruments emit a hideous noise.  In the confusion, there’s a scuffle, and Oswald shoots the puppet.  Penn’s face clears, and he thanks Oswald

Mr Cobblepot - you freed me! How ever can I thank you?

He smiles at Oswald, who smiles tearily back.  The moment is brief, since Ed decides – at that point – to murder Mr Penn, shooting him in the head.

I’m just going to give the dialogue now.  

Why did you do that? He wasn't the threat.  The dummy was the threat!

Oswald. I accept you for the person that you are - just as you accept me for the cold logician that I am. That's why this friendship is great. And as friends, I think we can both agree that that lunatic had to be stopped.

Oswald laughs hysterically - a little like when he realised his father had been poisoned.

Perhaps, Edward we really are meant for each other.

They both laugh

(An aside – CMS is fantastic, and he can convey about 20 emotions with just a flicker of his eyes. Even he, though, cannot sell the execrable line just as you accept me for the cold logician that I am – it sounds written, unnatural.  

Aside from that – how lovely.  Oswald almost had another friend, and Ed murdered him – maybe to cut him out of the treasure profits – being a cold logician and all, but possibly just to deprive Oswald of a friend, because his relationship with Oswald has always been queasily abusive.  It’s maybe another reason it’s never worked for me.  I like relationships that have more of a push/pull in terms of power dynamics. This has always just been a needy Oswald and a manipulative Ed.  It leaves me queasy, and I genuinely dislike that two incredibly strong characters’ recent screen time has been reduced to this interaction)

Back at the creepy Cartwright house.  We hear crows cawing outside.  They’ve really gone full-tilt on the horror aspects of this storyline

Harvey searches the house, gun drawn.  He calls Jane’s name.  We see a sad Father Christmas decoration in one of the boxes he passes – adding to the sadness of the whole scene: a family life and childhood gone wrong, cut short, abandoned.

In the attic now. Harvey calls that he knows she’s up here.  He finally spots her, standing with her face to the wall

I knew you'd be here.  I'm sorry. It was my job to protect you, and I let you down.

Jane tearfully tells him

You made Jane into a killer.  You and your three friends.  There have to be consequences

You killed three men already.  When is it enough?

When you're dead.

Jane raises a gun. Harvey aims at her

Put the gun down!

Poor Jane’s voice cracks

Shoot me.  You killed Jane years ago, and you didn't even know it…. Just shoot me.

Harvey looks pained. He loosens his grip on his gun a little, and asks her, pleadingly

Let me see your face. Your real face.

Jane is aghast.

Why? So you can see what a monster she is? Hugo Strange only destroyed her face. You destroyed her soul.

Harvey asks again

Let me see it.

Jane takes the mask off. It’s horribly, achingly sad – because there’s nothing wrong with Jane’s face.  

You see? You see what they did?

Harvey continues to try and reason with her.

Jane we can work this out.  Just put the gun down.

Jane is resolved, though and refuses

The only way this ends is with one of us dead.

They shoot.  Jane falls to the floor.  Harvey’s hands start to tremble, and he shakily lifts one of them to shield his face, deeply upset by what has happened.

(An aside.  This story was excellent.  The whole plot managed to be both sad and genuinely creepy at points. Jane was deeply pitiable, betrayed and abandoned – and Harvey’s grief at his actions and their consequences felt real. The moment at the end where he covers his eyes honestly felt like a punch to the gut.

Compared with the nonsense we had in the preceding scene, the contrast is stark)

 At the hospital with Alfred and Bruce.  Hank has been returned to his wife.  

Alfred and Bruce step away. There’s some brief chat about recklessness, and how they should have involved Jim.  A serious Bruce tells Alfred he agrees, and tells Alfred there are better ways to find absolution.  He goes on to reassure him that what happened to Wayne Manor was not his fault

Alfred is angry he wasn’t strong enough to resist what happened – and now Bruce lost a tie to his past, lost his home.  He swears he’ll never be that weak again.

Bruce looks at him fondly, and tells him that part of being a family is being strong for each other

Alfred smiles and asks him when he got so smart.  Bruce grins.

I had a good teacher

 At GCPD.  Harvey sits across from Jim at his desk.

Victoria Cartwright killed her husband.  She admitted it, then recanted.  There was no physical evidence.

He pauses

I wanted to make detective

Jim cuts in

So you leaned on Jane.  Coerced a statement out of her to put her mother away.

Harvey retorts that the woman was guilty, but adds

We later found out that the husband beat the mother and Jane

Jim sighs

The bartender heard Jane say the 'kid was guilty too’.  She meant you.

Harvey looks down

I knew something was wrong, felt it – but I was told to keep my trap shut. And after a while, I stopped feeling it – and I went down that path for a long time, until I met you. However much I've changed, I can't change the past. I made that girl a killer.

Jim regards him – not much warmth on his face.

What do you want from me, Harvey? Forgiveness? Can't give that to you.

I just needed you to know.

Harvey leaves, closing the door firmly behind him.  Jim stays at his desk

 Ghosts in the attic and monsters in the basement….

I know it’s probably not what was intended, but I had to sit through that nonsense in the library, so I intend to enjoy my metaphors and meta meaning that probably wasn’t intended.

Harvey’s always seemed haunted.  He’s haunted by his dirty past.  He’s haunted by a likely future where he’ll wind up taking a bullet protecting Jim. And he’s haunted by the notion of an alternative future, one where Jim never showed up, and Harvey just sinks further into complacency and corruption.

We actually got to meet one of his ghosts this week.  Jane is a sad, tormented ghost whose life held far too much suffering.  Beaten by her father, bullied by policemen to betray her mother, enduring God knows what as a ward of the state before she ended up in Arkham, and then finally in Indian Hill, as one of Hugo Strange’s playthings.  Harvey might not have been responsible for all her troubles – but his part in it a good call-back to one of the preoccupations of season one, the destructive power of a cumulative lack of compassion and integrity – one selfish, neglectful act at a time.  Jane’s a victim of Gotham as much as a victim of her father: of a corrupt police department and selfish cops, of a lack of care for the vulnerable and mentally ill, and of the elites who allowed Hugo to flourish.

Bruce, meantime, is wandering around in the basement, where Jeremiah’s presence is everywhere: from the chemicals coating the walls to the creatures he created.  He only mentions his name once in this episode, but it’s freighted with anger and bitterness.  Jeremiah is the creature lurking in the basement that Bruce can hardly bring himself to name.

I said last week that some aspects of Bruce and Jeremiah’s confrontation played oddly.

First of all – Bruce consistently exhibited concern for Jerome, as well as a sense of responsibility for him.  It is not logical that this is not the case for Jeremiah, who is essentially Jerome’s last victim, and not in his right mind.  Bruce instead seems viscerally angry and betrayed by Jeremiah.  His treatment of him is markedly different than his treatment of just about anyone else you could name.  I’d argue that that other place you see this is in Jim’s visceral response to Oswald, who – for reasons Jim probably doesn’t care to consider – can get under his skin like no-one else.

Something that deadened the tension was the fact that the easiest way to defuse the situation, or at least make Jeremiah stumble, was to simply give him what he asked: an acknowledgment that a connection existed between them.  That was Jeremiah’s sole stated wish.  It seemed easy enough.  We know Bruce is clever and pragmatic – shrewd at reading others’ needs – but he somehow can’t bring himself to say it.  Why not?  Why couldn’t Bruce say this – when he knows the consequences would endanger so many people?

What you’re left with, for me, is that there is a connection between them.  An personal connection – whereby Bruce cannot rationalise Jeremiah’s actions since the laughing gas, because he’s too badly hurt by the loss of him, and sees every act as a new betrayal.

Elsewhere, we saw some movement with Jim and Barbara.  He apparently doesn’t think she’s an unfit mother now – but I have no sense of what changed his mind. I understand that this is the big moral redemption of Barbara, but there’s something quite sinister in it being partially motivated by fear of the loss of her child.

I’m not wasting much more time talking about the C-plot, since it wasted quite enough time on its own.

I’ll be interested to see whether this has repercussions for Jim and Harvey’s relationship.  Harvey’s forgiven Jim a lot.  Jim didn’t have much comfort for him here.

I sort of feel that we should have seen Lee this week if we’re rebuilding her relationship with Jim to the point where a wedding would feel plausible.  Even a glance of her at the hospital would have worked – an off-hand line to Alfred or Bruce that suggested a thaw in relations.

It’s always tough to follow a Jerome or Jeremiah episode – they’re so intense and full-throttle as characters, but I felt that this did fairly well in the A and B plots.

 Thoughts?

#gotham commentary #nothing's shocking #gotham s5e08

[queen-shade]

I'm So Glad You Asked Me To Hang Out (Jared Kleinman x Reader)

Warnings: Angst, mention of Connor Murphy’s suicide, cursing 

A/N: I decided to write some angst to switch things up and oh man is it a long one. I’m sorry if it’s not that good, I’m not used to writing angst and it took me a good couple days to get it the way I wanted it. Thank you guys so much for the love on the other fics, it makes me want to continue writing! Requests are open so ask away! 

__________________________________________________ 

You were at Jared’s house working on an assignment for your math class. You were sitting in a chair on the deck in the backyard. Jared was sat across from you, typing away on his computer. You two weren’t really close friends or anything. You had just known each other from being in the same classes since kindergarten. He wasn’t someone that you would reveal your darkest secrets to, but you could always hold a conversation with him in social interactions. 

You both were partners for your math project, hence why you were at his house. His house was surprisingly really nice and neat. It had been far too quiet for far too long. One of you needed to say something, but it looks like Jared wasn’t going to initiate conversation any time soon. 

“So, pretty sad about what happened to Connor.” 

“Eh, I guess.” 

“You never liked him, did you?” 

“Not really. The dude’s a psychopath.” 

“I kinda feel bad for never really talking to him. If only somebody knew about how much he was hurting…” 

“I give it a few days before everyone completely forgets about him.” 

“That’s a little harsh, don’t you think?”

“Doesn’t make it any less true.”

You could agree on that. You never really understood why Jared didn’t have that many friends. Maybe because he spoke honestly about his opinion on certain subjects and it turns people off? Who knows? You respected how honest he was with himself and others.

With how the school year has been so far with Connor Murphy’s suicide, you decided that you should start being nicer to others and try to make more friends. It was your senior year and you didn’t have that many friends. You only had, as Alana Beck would call them, close acquaintances. Acquaintances that you can sit with at lunch, but can never really relate to. You also weren’t the most talkative person either. You never really knew how to join in on conversations without coming across as annoying. Maybe that’s why you have so much respect for Jared. He just doesn’t give a shit about what others think of him. 

“Hey, (Y/N), you okay?”

“Hm? Oh! Yeah, I’m fine. Was I staring?”

“You were totally zoned out there for a minute.”

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to weird you out.”

“You’re probably the farthest from weird as you can get.”

You smiled at his words and noticed he turned his gaze back to his computer screen.

“So, since when are you and Evan friends?”

“We’re family friends, not actual friends.”

“Well, I see you talking to him a lot at school, so I just assumed.”

“I think he might have a crush on me something cause he keeps talking to me.”  

You playfully rolled your eyes. That was another thing about Jared. Jokes and sarcasm are his everyday language. You had to admit, even though it can be annoying sometimes, he was pretty funny. 

“He was best friends with Connor, right?”

“Yeah, he’s taking it really well, to be honest.”

“Who would’ve thought that Connor Murphy and Evan Hansen were friends?” 

“It’s definitely an unlikely situation…” 

That was weird. His voice wavered a bit with that last sentence. Maybe you were just making it up in your head. Nevertheless, you were slowly building up the courage to ask him to hang out. I mean, there’s no harm in asking someone that, right?

“Um, are you doing anything Friday night?”

Jared looked at you and raised an eyebrow.

“Uh, no. Why?”

He seemed a bit worried for whatever reason. Then you understood when he said,

“Oh god. You’re not about to ask me out, are you?”

“What!? No! Nothing like that! I just wanted to hang out. A-As like buddies, you know? It just really hit me hard that you and I have known Connor for a long time, but never really said a word to him, at least, I didn’t and now he’s gone. I don’t really have any close friends, so I thought I’d start with you.”

He blinked and stared at you with wide eyes. You wanted the floor to swallow you up for saying what you said. You should’ve just kept your mouth shut. Dammit, this is what you get for having one small wave of confidence. This is the exact situation you were scared of. You got out of your chair and started to walk away. 

“You know what, nevermind. It was stupid of me to ask-”

He stood up and faced you before you could exit through the wooden gate. 

“Uh, we can hang out. I-If you want. I don’t really have any other plans anyways.”

Your hand stopped on the latch and you slowly turned around and faced him. You tucked a strand of hair behind your ear and looked to the ground.

“Oh… okay. Cool. I’ll come over around 7. Sound good?”

“Yeah. 7 is perfect. Here’s my number if you ever wanna text and like send me memes or something.”

You giggled at how the over-confident Jared Kleinman can be just as awkward as you were. You gave him your phone so he could put in his number. You smiled at the photo he had already given himself for his contact. He had taken an intentionally bad photo of himself trying to make the ugliest face possible. You giggled at it as you walked out the gate and got into your car. __________________________________________________ 

It was Friday afternoon and you were shoving books into your locker when you felt a presence behind you. You closed the locker and was startled by Jared. He chuckled. 

“So, did you manage to get that assignment done for biology?”

“No, not yet. This math project is kicking my ass at the moment.”

“I feel you. Why does Mrs. Johnson give us the most confusing and lengthy projects? I feel like just not doing it at all.” 

“But you’re my partner and you’re going to work on it since my grade is involved.” 

He laughed. Just then Evan Hansen rounded the corner and Jared stops. You turn back to him as Evan approached closer. 

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I just don’t want him to see me is all. Remember, he has that weird crush on me?”

You rolled your eyes and walked up to Evan as Jared reluctantly follows. Evan awkwardly looked around when you approached him.

“Hey, Evan. I’m really sorry about Connor. I can’t imagine how you must be feeling.” 

“Thanks, that’s, um, so kind of you. H-He really meant alot to… me.”

“I’m sure he did. If you ever want to talk or just hang out, you can always come to me. In fact, Jared and I are hanging out today, do you want to come with?”

He gave you and Jared a confused look.

“Uh, Jared, I thought you were hanging out with your camp friends this weekend?”

“I am. Just not today, o-obviously.” 

Jared crossed his arms over his chest and tried to act like his usual confident-self, but it was kind of failing.

“Oh, I-I see. I would hang out, but I don’t want to intrude. I’ll see you later, (Y/N).”

Evan awkwardly smiled at you. He locked eyes with Jared and hurriedly walked away. You watched him disappear into the hallway filled with kids. Okay that was really weird.

You walked alongside Jared and followed him to his car. You didn’t know if you should mention what Evan said to Jared. You didn’t want to pry, but you were curious.

“Camp friends?”

“Uh yeah. From earlier this summer.”

“If you were supposed to hang out with them, we don’t have t-”

“Can I tell you something?”

You nodded your head. Why was he being so weird? You’ve been talking and texting with him since monday night after leaving his house. He was being really suspicious.

“I lied about the camp friends thing.”

“Why? Are you embarrassed to hang out with me?” 

“No! That’s not it. I just…” 

“You just what? Why didn’t you want Evan to know?”

“Nevermind. Can we drop this? I’d rather just hang out with you and play some video games.”

“Fine. We can do that.”

What the hell was he going on about? There was definitely something going on that he needed to talk to somebody about, but is too scared to. You decided against pressing further on this issue. It really wasn’t any of your business anyways.

You arrived at his house and followed him to his basement where he had all of his consoles set up near the big flat screen tv. You were impressed with his huge selection of games on many different consoles. It’s totally like nerd heaven.

“Wow. This is really-”

“Lame, right?”

“I was actually going to say cool. You have a lot of games. I don’t really have that many games and such. I never was into them. I’m more of a bookworm.” 

“Well, I guess we’ll have to take your video game virginity then.”

You laughed. You sat down on the couch and he sat next to you. The night was filled with many laughs and many deaths considering you were terrible at all of the games you played. You still had fun, though. Even with Jared’s ruthless teasing. 

__________________________________________________ 

For weeks, you and Jared were getting closer and closer. You started coming out of your shell more and more with each day. You even became good friends with Alana and Evan. You even got the chance to talk to Connor’s sister, Zoe, on occasion.

Although, Jared was becoming weary that you were going to somehow figure out that Evan and Connor weren’t friends and that he is apart of the emails. lying to pretty much anyone who knows about the Connor Project. Jared remembered the look on your face when you found out about the Connor Project. You were so happy that he was involved in something so wonderful. He couldn’t help but feel guilty every time you asked him about the project. You were quickly becoming someone he genuinely enjoyed being around and he didn’t want to mess it up.

You broke him out of his thoughts when you placed your phone in front of him. He laughed at the meme on your phone and quickly sent it to him from your phone.

“I gotta say, your meme game has gotten stronger.”

“Yeah, all thanks to you. Here, look at this one! I found it last night, but wanted to show you in person!”

Okay, you can be adorable from time to time, but he would never let you know that. He never thought that he would ever become this close to you, but he’s really glad it happened. Just then, a girl came over. She had bright red hair with freckles all around her eyes. Her name was Kaitlyn and you had known her since middle school. She was definitely one of the more popular kids at your school. Way more popular than you or Jared. She was always nice to you and you respected her for it. She took the seat next to Jared.

“Hey, Jared, (Y/N).”

Jared greeted her and you did the same. You watched as Jared began talking to her about your guys’ math project and how he’s going to somehow incorporate conspiracy theories about the government in the presentation. You rolled your eyes. Kaitlyn laughed at his jokes. You eyed the two and watched them interact. She had her head on her hand and had a very lovey dovey look in her eyes when he spoke to her.

You didn’t know why, but you felt a pang of jealousy flow through you. Wait, why were you jealous? It’s not like you and Jared are dating. You guys are just friends and Kaitlyn is nice. You shook yourself from the thoughts and tried to ignore them. That wasn’t an easy thing to do.

__________________________________________________ 

You were at Jared’s house again. He was playing some violent game while you were reading from your new novel. You really enjoyed times like these where you both weren’t really saying anything, but were just comfortable being in the presence of each other. Jared hadn’t said anything for quite sometime and you gazed up at him from your book. You decided to make conversation.

“So, how long have you and Kaitlyn been friends?”

“That’s a bit out of the blue.”

“I’m just curious is all.”

“We’re not best friends or anything like that. She’s just nice and she talks to me. She also laughs at my jokes, so I keep her around to boost my confidence, you know.”

“Whatever you say, Kleinman.”

“What, are you jealous or something?”

“Why would I be jealous of her? If anything, I’m jealous of you. I wish pretty girls would laugh at my jokes.”

Jared chuckled at that and resumed his game. After a while, it started to get tense again. He had a sort of sad look on his face. What was he thinking about that made him so sad?

“Hey, you okay?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“That definitely isn’t an ‘okay’ tone of voice.”

You hit the start button on his controller and took it from him.

“Come on, I was almost done with the level.”

“What’s wrong?”

“You hit pause and took the controller away.”

You rolled your eyes, yet again. There was the sarcasm.

“You know what I mean.”

He sighed and leaned against the back of the couch and stared up at the ceiling. He ran a hand through his hair. He stared up at you and saw the worry in your face. He sat up.

“It’s nothing important, I promise.”

“Jared, I am here for you. Please tell me what’s going on, so I can help you.” 

You had rested your hand on his knee. Jared wasn’t used to this kind of affection before. He was just staring at your hand. Someone actually cared about him enough to try and help him with whatever was bothering him. This, of course, only made him feel even more guilty than before. His natural instinct to affection he doesn’t usually get from others is to hide and play it off. He sighed again.

“I can’t tell you.”

He removed your hand and turned his attention back to his game, resuming it. 

“Why not?” 

“I just can’t, okay? If I could tell you knowing that you’d still want to be friends with me, I would.”

“What the hell does that even mean? Why wouldn’t I be friends with you?” 

“Just forget it, please.”

Jared did this often. Something would bother him, you would try to get him to open up, then he tells you not to worry about it just when you think he’s going to tell you. You were beginning to get frustrated. Once again, maybe it wasn’t any of your business, but you guys were friends. He’s supposed to be able to tell you his problems, then you both work it out, right? You have opened up to him many times and he always listened. So, why couldn’t he do the same?

You went home that night thinking about ways you could get him to open up. You tried texting him about it because sometimes things are easier to say via text instead of face to face, right? He wouldn’t budge. This would require some serious researching. You entered many google searches to try and get ideas and options. You had found some articles that you thought would help. Guess what? They didn’t. Every idea they listed had no success with Jared. Whatever was bothering him, he really didn’t want you to know.

You were pacing your room when you got a text from Alana. Alana? That’s it! Alana was co-president of the Connor Murphy Project. Maybe she knows what’s up with Jared. After about half an hour of texting, you came to the conclusion that Jared was feeling left out. Evan didn’t really need his help with anything and he felt like Evan was just outcasting him. With this new information, you decided you weren’t going to talk about it, but you were going to act on it instead. You were going to get them to hang out, just the two of them. 

__________________________________________________ 

Two days later, you were at your locker again. Out of the corner of your eye, you spotted Evan and Jared talking. Perfect. You were just about to walk over there when you heard Evan say,

“You remember the Connor Project? You’re supposed to be working on this.” 

“Uh, remember you told me you didn’t need my help?”

“Well, I didn’t tell you to do nothing. Look, I know that you think it’s all a big joke, but it isn’t, it’s important.”

“For Connor.”

You slowly started to close your locker door to get a better look at the situation. 

“Yeah.”

“You know, when you really stop and think about it-Connor being dead, that’s pretty much the best thing that’s ever happened to you, isn’t it?”

“That’s a horrible thing to say.”

“No, think about it. If Connor hadn’t died, no one would even know who you are. I mean, people at school actually talk to you now. You’re almost popular which is just wonder of wonder, miracle of miracles.”

“I don’t care about any of that. Okay, I don’t care if people at school know who I am. All I wanted was to-”

“Help the Murphy’s. Yeah I know, you keep saying that.”

You couldn’t believe a word that was coming out of Jared’s mouth. Was this true? You almost forgot you were supposed to be incognito when Zoe walked up. You put the locker door in front of your face again, but still remained within earshot.

“Hey, Jared.”

Zoe kissed Evan. Jared shook his head as he was beginning to walk away. 

“Look at you, helping the Murphy’s.”

Your brow furrowed and watched Jared walk down the hall. You closed your locker as he turned the corner and was out of your sight. What the hell just happened? Now, you wanted some answers. You quickly caught up with him before he headed out the doors.

“Hey!”

“Hey.”

“So, anything new with the Connor Project?”

“Ah, no not really. I don’t really want to be apart of that anymore.”

“Oh.. Why?” 

 You both stopped in front of his car door. 

“(Y/N), I know you heard everything.”

“You do?”

“You’ve had the same locker since freshman year.”

“Well, can you blame me for eavesdropping? I had to find out that you were having problems with Evan through Alana because you won’t talk to me.” 

“What is with you and wanting to help me?”

“That’s what friends do, Jared. They help each other.”

“Well, I guess you didn’t stop for one second and think ‘Hmm, Jared isn’t telling me his problems, maybe I shouldn’t bother him about it anymore because he obviously doesn’t want my help’. And it’s also none of your business.”

Ouch. That hurt. Alot. He did have a point, though. None of it was your business, but why is he so against some affection from you? You just wanted to be close to him and make him feel better about whatever was bothering him.  

“Look, Jared, I know you’re upset because Evan is kind of leaving you out to dry, but-” 

“I’m not upset about that okay!? God, I couldn’t care less about him. I am just so sick of you trying to fix everything. I don’t need or want your help. I won’t ever need your help and I won’t ever want it. Is that clear enough for you? Just leave me alone and don’t talk to me, okay?”

He angrily got in his car and sped off. Okay, so maybe talking to him after that whole situation wasn’t the best idea. When you got home, you cried. Why did you have to pressure him so much? Why couldn’t you have just been chill and not pry so much? You finally understood why you never had close friends. Nobody wants to friends with someone who smothers them. You stared at your phone, knowing you can never text him again, not after what happened today. __________________________________________________ 

Nevertheless, he got his message through to you. He didn’t want anything to do with you and you respected his wish. You really hoped that maybe within a couple of days, he would apologize and take it all back, but he hasn’t. You see him in the halls and you watch him do everything in his power to just pretend like you don’t exist.

You’ve never felt so alone before.

All the people that you used to sit at lunch with now seemed like faceless blobs that you didn’t care about anymore. Whenever you got the chance, you would look over at Jared, hoping he’d look back and smile, but he never did.

The next day, you walked out of class only to see Jared talking to Kaitlyn. She was smiling and laughing with him. They were so close to each other and looked like they were a couple. Even though he told you he has no interest in her, you couldn’t deny that they look good together. He had his hand pressing against the wall by her head while she leaned against the wall. She began talking about something when you saw him gaze up and make eye contact with you. He looked down to the floor and you sadly walked away with your books pressed to your chest, trying to leave the building as fast as you possibly could. You’ve never felt so hurt before.

There was an empty void within you that you couldn’t seem to fill no matter what you did. You even bought some of the games that you and Jared used to play to see if that would be enough to suffice. It wasn’t. Nothing could replace him. Your heart began to swell. You just wish you could go back to being his friend and not pressured him so hard. __________________________________________________ 

You were walked out of the girl’s bathroom and turned the corner to see Alana pass by you with anger in her eyes. You looked back at her as she kept walking. You turned your head to see Jared and Evan talking again.

“This isn’t funny, Jared!”

“Oh, I think it’s hilarious. I think everyone would probably think it’s hilarious.” 

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“It means you should remember who your friends are.”

“You tell me the only reason you even talk to me is because of your car insurance.”

“So!?”

“So, maybe the only reason you talk to me Jared is because you don’t have any other friends.”

“I could tell everyone everything!”

“Well then go ahead! Do that! Then you can tell everyone you wrote emails pretending to be a kid who killed himself!”

“Fuck you, Evan! Asshole!”

You quickly hid in the bathroom when he began to turn in your direction. He stomped away, almost like a child would. You felt bad. You wanted to console him, but you remained still. Wait. Pretending to be a kid who killed himself? No, it wasn’t any of your business. You splashed some water on your face and took deep breaths before walking out.

You flopped down on your bed and opened your computer. You saw a new post from the Connor Project. It was Connor Murphy’s suicide note.

Dear Evan Hansen, 

Turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or year, because why would it be? 

I know, because there’s Zoe, who I don’t even know, and doesn’t know me. Maybe if I could just talk to her. Maybe nothing would be different at all. I wish everything was different. 

I wish I was apart of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean face it, would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow? 

Sincerely, Your most best and dearest friend, Me 

You looked at the letter in shock. You scrolled down and saw the comments of hatred towards the Murphy’s. Most of them were calling his parents neglectful and heartless. Yes, there were some about Zoe, too. You quickly texted Alana. She, too, had seen the comments. You asked if she heard anything from Jared. She had explained that she hadn’t heard anything from him for awhile. 

Alana poured her heart to you about how Evan hurt her. You listened to her sobs and cries for an hour and a half. She eventually stopped crying and you got her to calm down a bit. You reminded her of her favorite character from her favorite book. She giggled when you talked about how her character tried to impress the entire school by creating a huge school site where everyone in the school could connect and talk, which eventually got hacked by some of the bullies.

You always liked making her feel better about herself. She hung up and you stared at your ceiling. All you could think about was Jared and if he was okay. Why do you care? He kicked you to the curb just like that, you shouldn’t even be thinking about him. But still, you couldn’t help but think that maybe he was hurting. I mean, Evan did say that Jared probably doesn’t have any other friends. 

Your thumb hovered over the message button by his name. You decided against texting him and went into your bathroom to start a shower. __________________________________________________ 

You sat down at your desk and pulled out a pencil. It was now November and the school year was blowing right by. It’s been at least two months since the last time you hung out with Jared. You looked at Instagram on your phone and smiled at a meme. You looked over to the empty desk where Jared sits and thought about how he would like it. You shut your phone off as soon as the bell rang and waited for your teacher, Mrs. Johnson, to start the class. You began to get anxious because today was presentation day in your math class and Jared wasn’t here.

Just then, Jared showed up and sat down at his desk. He looked like he hadn’t slept. His eyes had huge bags underneath them and they looked a little puffy too. Somebody pointed this out to him and he responded with, 

“Just allergies.”

That wasn’t a normal Jared Kleinman response. Something was off about him today. 

‘Stop thinking about him. Forget about him.’

You reminded yourself that you didn’t care about him anymore, even though you knew it was a lie. It didn’t hurt to pretend right?

Mrs. Johnson called your name to get up and present. Jared slowly got up and followed you. Maybe he’ll talk about his conspiracy theories.

He didn’t. In fact, he was actually presenting it like anybody else would. This was really shocking to you. The class ended and you followed him to his locker. You tapped his shoulder, but he didn’t look at you.

“You did a good job… uh, presenting today.”

He nodded and put his books away.

“So, h-how have you been? It’s been a while.”

“Fine.”

He walked away from you and disappeared into the sea of other kids. Something was definitely not right. You sighed as you walked to your next class. 

__________________________________________________ 

The rest of the week was just as bad. Jared looked like he hasn’t eaten or gotten a good night’s sleep and it was starting to get to you. He was practically falling asleep in almost every class. Normally, he’d be pestering the teacher or the other students around him. He even stopped talking to Kaitlyn. But he’s made his choices and you decided that you were going to stop trying. Why were you trying so hard for someone who wants nothing to do with you? The crying and sadness had stopped and you felt like you were slowly picking yourself back up piece by piece. 

You felt a hand grab your arm. You turned to find Kaitlyn. 

“Hey, (Y/N), what’s going on with Jared?”

“I don’t know, I’m not friends with him.”

“You aren’t? Maybe that’s why he’s been so… not himself lately. You should talk to him.“

“That’s not going to happen. He made it very clear he wants nothing to do with me.”

You opened your locker and turned your gaze away from her. She leaned against the lockers next to you and had a frown on her face.

“He liked you alot, you know. I’m sure whatever you guys were fighting about, he feels really bad about it. I mean, in case if you haven’t noticed, he’s not doing too hot.” 

“Well, that’s too bad for him. He told me he doesn’t want or need my help. I’m not wasting any more time on him.”

“But you want to. I can tell. I see the way you look at him in class. And just so know, when you look away from him with that sad face, he looks back at you with guilt in his eyes. I mean, does Jared seem like the type of guy to admit that he’s feeling down?" 

You stopped fiddling with the things in your locker and sucked in a breath.

“Just go check up on him. Who knows, he might even open up to you.” 

“Yeah, I tried that. Doesn’t exactly work out for me. That’s kinda how he friend-dumped me in the first place.”

“(Y/N), I really think he’s hurting right now and could use a friend.” 

With that, she walked away. You were once again all alone. 

You saw a boy from the football team trip Evan. You scurried over to him to help him up as some people around you were laughing, including the boys. You called after them, 

“Hey assholes, watch where you’re going!” 

They practically ran down the hallway like children. You shook your head as you helped Evan up.

“Thank you.” 

“No problem. Don’t worry about those guys.” 

He was staring at everything, but you.

“What’s wrong?”

“N-nothing, I just thought you wouldn’t want to talk to me.”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“Didn’t Jared tell you?”

“Jared and I haven’t been friends for at least two months now.”

“Why?” 

“He started to get upset about you casting him out and I tried helping him. He just ended up telling me to fuck off. He seems like he’s in pretty bad shape these days and I want to help him, but…” 

“Oh my god, this is all my fault.”

“How? What did you do Evan?”

He looked down to the floor and didn’t respond.  

“Evan…”

“Just meet me after school and I’ll explain everything.”

You did just that. You waited out in front of the school for Evan to meet you. He was sitting on the bench next to a tree. You sat down next to him. He waited until the only that could hear him was you. Everything he had done, everything he and Jared had done just poured out of him like a waterfall. You couldn’t believe anything he was telling you. You were mad. 

“Please, (Y/N), if you’re going to be mad at someone… Be mad at me. None of this was Jared’s fault. He just wanted to help me and then it got way too out of control." 

You got up and paced in front of the bench. 

“I can’t believe you guys did that! How could you do that!?” 

“I know, it’s despicable and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t hate myself for it. But please don’t blame Jared. It’s my fault.”

You had just realized that this is what Jared was talking about. The whole “I can’t tell you” thing. This is why he couldn’t tell you what was wrong. You had to talk to him.

“Oh my god. Evan, I have to go. But, we aren’t done talking about this.”

You sprinted to your car and started the engine. You drove to Jared’s house and parked in front. You got out and built up the courage to knock on his front door. You knocked and stood there waiting for him to open the door. Only it wasn’t him who answered. It was his mother.

“Hi, (Y/N)! So good to see you again.” “Hi, Mrs. Kleinman. Is Jared home?” 

“Yes, but… he might be a little down.”

“That’s actually why I’m here.”

“He’s downstairs.”

“Thank you.”

You walked down the stairs to his basement. You didn’t hear anything. No music. No game sounds. Nothing except sniffling every now and then.

“Jared?”

Jared’s eyes widened and he quickly sat up, wiping his eyes and clearing his throat. His back was all you could see as he spoke to you.

“Uh, what are you doing here?”

“I’m here to check up on you. You haven’t been yourself lately.”

“I’m fine.”

“Cut the bullshit, Jared. Everyone knows you’re not.”

You walked over to him and sat on the table in front of him.

“Why do you care?”

“Evan told me everything. About Connor. About the emails. Everything.”

He finally made eye contact with you. He definitely had been crying for some time now. You couldn’t help, but feel sad when you looked at him. You grabbed his hand and rubbed it gently.

“I don’t care if you never want to talk to me again, but I want you to know that I am here and I am someone who will listen to your problems, no matter how big or small because you mean something to me. I know that Evan and I were your only friends at one point and that you weren’t used to someone showing affection towards you. And though you might still not open up to me and might not even want to be my friend after this, I know that you have no one right now and that’s why I came here.” 

Jared looked at your hands and then looked into your eyes. He pulled you into a hug and started sobbing into your shoulder. You cradled his head and just held him there. You tried really hard to not cry as well. You had never seen him so sad before. Never in your entire life had you seen Jared Kleinman so vulnerable, yet here he was, right into your shoulder, crying his eyes out.

After some time, Jared pulled away and took off his glasses. He wiped his eyes and laid back against the couch. Neither of you said a word for some time. You just watched Jared, searching for any sign of well… friendship maybe? A confession? Who knows what was going to happen. He sniffled and put his glasses back on.

“So, you don’t hate me?”

“I’ve never hated you, not even after what you said to me.”

“I thought if I pushed you away before you found out, it would’ve been easier. It just made things a lot harder.”

“All I wanted was for you to open up.”

“It’s just not that simple for me.”

“How so?”

“I’m Jared Kleinman. The over-confident asshole who makes dumb jokes about everything. I bother other kids and pester teachers because it amuses me. I’m not exactly known for showing affection or sadness. I never thought I’d ever have someone in my life who… makes me feel important like you and Evan do… did.”

“You are important, Jared. You’re important to me and I know you’re important to Evan. And just because you might be the jokester of our class, it doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to have emotions.”

“Why do I feel like such a pussy?”

“You’re not a pussy. You’re human.”

“How do I fix all of this? Between you and me, and Evan?”

“I’m not saying it will work, but I think if you and Evan talked it out, you could rekindle it.” 

“He made it very clear that he didn’t want to be friends with me.”

“Sound like anybody you know?”

He gazed up at you and understood exactly what you were referencing. He scoffed.

“God, I really am just a big fuck up, aren’t I?”

“Stop it. You’re not a fuck up. You’re the insanely cool Jared Kleinman, remember?”

He chuckled a little bit and you smiled.

“I really am sorry (Y/N) for the way I treated you. I don’t ever want you to leave.”

“I’m not going anywhere.” He grinned as he pulled you in for another hug. You smiled into his shoulder and laughed. You both pulled away.

“So, what do I do now?”

“I think you should apologize to the Murphy’s.”

“Are you out of your mind!? I’m sure they’d rather kill me than hear an apology!”

“Jared, listen to me. I’m sure they’d appreciate it more than you know.”

“Oh god. If I end up dead, it’s your fault.”

“I will gladly take the blame. Now, come on.” __________________________________________________ 

You arrived at the Murphy’s and knocked on their door. Jared was tapping his foot from all the anxiety. You grabbed his arm. 

“It’s gonna be okay, I promise.”

He smiled at you then turned back to the door when Zoe opened it.

“Oh, hey guys. What are you doing here?” 

You looked at Jared and he sighed.

“I have something I need to say to you and your parents.”

“I don’t think they’re in the mood right now.” 

“Please!? It’s really important.”

“Fine.”

You and Jared followed Zoe into the foyer and saw her parents sitting on the couch. Zoe introduced you both. Cynthia recognized Jared.

“You helped Evan with the Connor Project.”

“Yeah, I did. I just wanted to say that Evan wasn’t the only one who was responsible for… you know. I pretended to be Connor. I was the one who created the fake email account and made the emails. I know I’m probably the last person you want to hear this from, but I’m deeply and truly sorry. And I know I have no place to say this, but having known Evan for pretty much my entire life, I can tell you that he was only trying to help when you were grieving about Connor. He just wanted to bring you more happiness with the whole situation. He’s still just a kid trying to find his place in this unforgiving world. And I think it’s safe to assume that Connor probably felt the same way.”

The Murphy’s all looked to each other, but didn’t respond.

“Well, that’s what I came to say. See you at school, Zoe.”

You and Jared left the house and got back in his car. You turned to him.

“You didn’t have to say what you said. About Evan.”

“Yeah I did.”

He started the ignition and drove back to his house. It was getting rather late, but you didn’t want to leave. You wanted to spend more time with him, just to make sure if he was okay. And maybe start playing some video games.

And that’s exactly what happened. You started playing like old buddies again. Like nothing had changed. After about an hour, you finally decided that it was time to leave. Jared gave you one last hug before you got into your car. __________________________________________________

Today was the last day of school before winter break and you were beyond excited. Two whole weeks of doing absolutely nothing in hot chocolate and cuddle season. That was Jared’s winter alternative to Netflix and chill. You had just shut your locker when Evan walked up to you.

“Hey, (Y/N), I hope you have a good winter break.”

“You too. Hey, you’re not stuttering as much as you used to.”

“Really? I hadn’t noticed. Thank you.”

You smiled at him. Evan smiled back then his eyes got wide. You turned to your left and saw Jared standing behind you. He walked forward and stuck out his hand towards Evan.

“Hey… are we cool?”

“Uh y-yeah. We’re cool.”

“So no hard feelings between us?”

“No. None. Wow, I didn’t expect this.”

“Oh god, please, don’t start crying.”

“I’m not going to cry.”

“Good because if you cry then I’m gonna start.”

“Aaand he’s back to normal.”

“Glad to be back. Hope you guys didn’t miss me too much.”

You rolled your eyes and smiled. Alana approached the three of you.

“I hope you all have a good winter break.”

Evan stopped her before she could leave.

“Alana, I-I’m sorry for everything. Truly, I really am. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I just needed you to know that I know what I did was wrong and unforgivable.”

Alana looked at you and let out a breath. She put her hand on Evan’s shoulder.

“I forgive you.”

“Really?”

“Yes. I’m not one to hold grudges.” 

“T-thank you!”

She and Evan walked off as you and Jared walked to his car. You both had already decided that you were coming over for pretty much the entirety of the break.

You got to his house and went down to the basement like always. You sighed out of contentment,

“Well, everything is good and back to the way it was.”

“Yeah and it’s all thanks to you.”

“Oh, I’m pretty sure it would’ve worked out anyways.”

“No, I mean it, (Y/N). If it wasn’t for you, nothing would be back to the way it was. Because of you, everyone is friends again, well, except for Zoe. You changed everything for all of us. I would’ve never apologized to the Murphy’s if it hadn’t been for you. And I definitely wouldn’t have let go of my grudge against Evan. (Y/N), everything good that happened, happened because of you. You’re amazing.”

You blushed at his words and felt a tear roll down your cheek. Jared saw it and immediately started hugging you.

“Did I say something wrong? Oh god, are you okay?”

“I’m fine, Jared. I’m just really happy that you said that.”

He chuckled and pulled you in for a long hug. He looked at you in admiration and cupped your cheek. He gazed at your lips and licked his. You had your hands on his flannel and bunched it up. He pulled you in and kissed you. His lips were soft and felt so good against yours. You completely melted against him. He moved his hand from your cheek to the back of your neck to deepen the kiss.

You pulled away for air and stared at him with a big smile on your face. He rested his forehead against yours.

“I’m really glad you asked me to hang out three months ago, (Y/N).“

“Me too and I’m glad you’re my friend.”

“Really? After a kiss like that, I’m still only a friend? Come on, I thought I’d get at least a little something more than friend.”

You playfully hit his shoulder. And picked up a controller.

“Fine, you beat me in Smash and you will get to-”

“Smash?”

“Jared!!!” 

Eventually, he did get to smash. And yes, he referred back to this moment after it happened too.

And yes, you smacked his shoulder.

#jared kleinman x reader #jared kleinman #deh #dear evan hansen #omg #someone help me

[josephkitchen0]

Dead Ram Walking: Treating Sick Sheep Symptoms

By Laurie Ball-Gisch – One day the ram was walking around and looking totally healthy — the next day he was just standing under a tree with his head hanging down. I approached him, hoping he’d lift his head and move away from me, but he didn’t. I knew I’d have to examine him for sick sheep symptoms.

I looked him in the eye and exclaimed, “Hoss, what’s wrong?” And he just collapsed, looking as if he’d already given up and was going to soon be a dead ram. My husband Daryl and I had to drag him into a barn stall, as he could no longer walk, and where we could more easily treat and feed him. We went through our usual sick sheep symptoms checklist to try to assess what was wrong.

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1. Check eye membranes to look for signs of anemia and hence parasites; eye membranes were nice and red, but we wormed him anyway, as he’d not been wormed since earlier in the summer.

2. Nasal discharge? No.

3. Coughing? No.

4. Diarrhea? No.

5. Raspy, labored breathing? No. But there was severe lethargy, weakness and lack of appetite.

6. Injury? Possibly, but no outward signs of bleeding. His ribs didn’t feel broken. No swelling anywhere.

What to do for treatment? After all, the ram in question was eight years old and it had been a brutally hot summer. Maybe “just” old age?

Of course, we wanted to treat him; we will always continue to assist an animal as best we can as long as it’s still breathing. But at this point, I also braced myself to lose him because he showed no will to live.

So we went with the proverbial “refrigerator” treatment to treat his sick sheep symptoms, which means pretty much give him everything we have and hope something will help.

I am sure many who read this might cringe, but we have to be realistic. There are few veterinarians nowadays available with experience in small ruminants. And it seems that these situations always arise on weekends when veterinary offices aren’t open anyway.

So we gave Hoss an antibiotic; we treated him for parasite species outside of the normal realm we usually see here on our farm, including meningeal worm and lungworm (just in case!) and we gave him vitamin shots: B complex, A, D and E, and also BoSE.

Although he wasn’t grinding his teeth, we also gave him an anodyne, in case the ram was in pain. (Check with your sheep veterinarian on the possibility of obtaining and using fast-acting pain relief and anti-inflammatory drugs. Some have reported success with items such as Flunixin—trade name Banamine®—a prescription medication with no FDA-established withdrawal/withholding times for sheep. As with any extra-label drug usage or “ELDU,” each use of such medications legally requires supervision of a licensed vet.—Editor.)

I put fresh hay and water in his pen, but he showed no interest in eating. We gave him a 60cc oral drench of Gatorade for the sugar energy and electrolytes and hoped for the best.

I checked on him every few hours throughout the day, but no change. In fact, he just lay there with his head down and flies swarming him.

At that point, I started to worry about flystrike because he was so still. Several times a day I kept up with the oral drenches, switching between fresh water, and sometimes using electrolytes. I tried giving him yogurt to restart the rumen, but that didn’t help.

Five days into his not eating or drinking, I was getting nearly frantic. Every time I walked out to check on him I was expecting to find a dead ram. I even told my husband it was probably time to get the hole dug.

It was turning very frustrating because it seemed there was nothing I could do for my ram. It’s awfully hard to watch an animal lie there and starve to death. Sometimes we can treat the presenting issue/illness (i.e. parasite overload, pneumonia, etc.), but getting the sick animal to start eating again is an entirely different issue. The longer its rumen is empty, the harder it is to get it started again. And if that sheep doesn’t want to drink or eat, it can quickly become dehydrated as well.

Brewing Up A Cure to Treat His Sick Sheep Symptoms

On day six of my poor ram just lying there—and after having done all we could think to do (including having consulted with my veterinarian who had nothing else to offer me)—I suddenly decided to give him a beer. I’m not really sure where that idea came from other than I knew that to restart a rumen you have to introduce “healthy” micro-flora. What about yeast? Since the daily spoonfuls of yogurt weren’t working, I decided maybe beer would be something that might help—and probably wouldn’t hurt.

I rummaged through the basement to see if we had an old can of beer in the root cellar and found some we used to keep around for Papa Willie before he departed this life.

Soon enough, I walked out the door with the beer, a jar and a 60 cc drenching syringe. My 12-year-old daughter saw me and said “Mom, what are you doing with a beer?” I told her I was going to give it to Hoss and that it might make him better but if it didn’t, maybe he’d die happier.

I sat down next to Hoss and loaded my syringe: Two ounces of beer at a time (tricky because of the foam). I forced open the side of his mouth and put it up over the tongue and made him swallow. By this time he was so weak he no longer was even fighting me over his daily oral treatments. I gave him the whole can.

The next day he was still alive, and was actually sitting up, rather than lying with his head on the ground.

I gave him another beer.

The next morning when I went out, he was standing up! I put some fresh hay in front of him and he actually started to nibble on it. Later that day he was wandering around the large paddock he was sharing with the alpacas and was nibbling at grass.

Dead ram walking!

I gave him a third beer on day four of the beer treatment for his sick sheep symptoms, and from then on he was eating and drinking on his own! Within two weeks he was strong enough to go back into the rams’ pasture. (We knew it was time for his transfer back to the bachelors’ fields because he was trying to bust down the gates to get in with my Leicester ewes.)

Hoss at eight years old, fully recovered and having successfully bred his quota of ewes.

A Beer A Day Keeps The…

We all know the downside to drinking beer, but there was obviously something positive about it too, that helped my ram recover so well.

After his pretty miraculous recovery, I decided to do some research into the health benefits of beer. I found out that beer was first used as a homeopathic remedy during the time of the Egyptian Pharaohs.

I found an online article on the Fox News website dated March 15, 2012:

“Despite beer’s bad reputation, it actually has a number of natural antioxidants and vitamins that can help prevent heart disease and even rebuild muscle. It also has one of the highest energy contents of any food or drink….

“If you’re worried about dehydration, keep in mind that beer is 93 percent water. Also, according to a Spanish study, beer may actually provide better hydration than H2O alone when you’re sweating it out under the sun.

“…For health benefits, a dark beer is the better choice. Dark beers tend to have the most antioxidants, which help reverse cellular damage that occurs naturally in the body. A recent study published in the Journal of the Science of Food and Agriculture has also found that dark beer has higher iron content compared to lighter beers. …Iron is an essential mineral that our bodies need. Iron is a part of all cells and does many jobs including carrying oxygen from our lungs throughout the rest of our bodies.

“Another good choice is microbrews, which are healthier than mass-produced cans, because they have more hops. Hops contain polyphenols, which help lower cholesterol, fight cancer and kill viruses.”

Imagine if I’d given Hoss an expensive microbrew instead of an old can of Red White & Blue beer! He’d probably have recovered a couple of days quicker!

Another online resource written by Lisa Collier Cool, January 9, 2012 on the website health.yahoo.net reported:

“A Dutch study, performed at the TNO Nutrition and Food Research Institute, found that beer-drinking participants had 30 percent higher levels of vitamin B6 levels in their blood than their non-drinking counterparts, and twice as much as wine drinkers. Beer also contains vitamin B12 and folic acid.”

After reading these reports, I decided that beer might be the drench of choice for any sheep that is sick and off feed, with one exception: One that has eaten too much grain. Adding a fermented drink to a grain-poisoned, or bloated rumen would not be a good idea.

I also would recommend that a smaller sized sheep (Hoss weighs about 200 pounds) receive less than the 12 ounces I was giving to Hoss.

One more website gave a cheerful assessment of the health benefits of beer, offering the following information:

B-Vitamins = Improved Vital Systems—Another of the more plentiful vitamins and minerals in craft beer is its range of B vitamins. In addition to being a rich source of potassium, craft beers contain folic acid (great for vascular health) and B12, which plays a key role in the formation of blood and the normal functioning of the brain and nervous system.

Carbohydrates + Fiber = Bodily Balance—Because it’s packed with carbohydrates and dietary fiber derived from barley, oats, etc. beer is often referred to as liquid bread. In the end, carbohydrates can provide easily obtained energy…”—GreatClubs.com

After getting Hoss back to health this fall, I had several inquiries about treating sick sheep symptoms. One friend had a ewe lamb that had gotten highly parasitized and was thin and sick; even though she had been treated with dewormers, she would not eat. I suggested that they try beer after relaying my experience with Hoss’s recovery. She reported to me a few days later that her ewe was up and eating again and doing very well.

I got an e-mail from a lady in Australia that had read my article about apple cider vinegar as a treatment for sick sheep symptoms. Though she’d tried that on her sick ewe, the ewe would still not eat or drink. There ended up being other issues wrong with her ewe that were beyond repair, but she did give the ewe a beer and reported back to me the following:

“My sister and I decided on Wednesday to do the beer drench. We did it three days in a row, and we both concluded it really works. It does stimulate their appetite; the poor baby was grazing around where she was sitting, on her last morning. And she was actually hungry…And she was chewing her cud constantly.”

The next day I got the following note:

“Just thought I would give you an update on my poor patient. Sad news: She had to be put down yesterday. I am beside myself, but she lost total use of her hind legs, could not get up by herself at all.

“…Even though we did not get a positive outcome, we both feel the beer drench is a success. She just had other problems, on top of not eating. Thanks Laurie, for sharing your thoughts with me. Very much appreciated. We will incorporate the ‘beer solution’ from now on. Very useful.”

As always, I want to make sure everybody knows I’m no veterinarian and that these experiences treating sick sheep symptoms are purely anecdotal and not scientific in nature. But anybody who has watched an animal starve to death after treating it with all they can think to do (and all their veterinarian can think to do), may well admit that giving the sheep a swig or two of beer might trump teetotal abstinence if it revives its appetite and buys it time for a real recovery.

As for Hoss, he recovered enough to have his own group of ewes for sheep breeding season, and the clean-up ram showed none needed to be rebred. Not bad results from a “dead ram walking.”

What unconventional treatments have you used to treat sick sheep symptoms?

Originally published in the July/August 2013 issue of sheep!

Dead Ram Walking: Treating Sick Sheep Symptoms was originally posted by All About Chickens