#i know ill never be that but. maybe if i lose enough weight and dont have much acne and leave my hair down then maybe i can come close

[tinylittlebab]

ill be skinny. it will happen. ive been trying for so long now. once it was just trying to eat less and be smaller but not much real focus on my physical appearance. now its all about that. 11 years of my ed and 7 years of wanting what i want now. i dont live with my parents anymore. i have more control. i will achieve it.

there was a time where id eat 300-700 consistently. ill get that back. i will.

#most of the years ive had an ed i had no access to a scale so it was very jard to track progress #maybe i did lie my ass off and fool ppl around me into thinking its actually healthier for me to have a scale bc ill restrict worse without #one which is half true. not that kts anyones right to make that choice at this point. at least not in 2 months when im 18 its not #part of the problem im having is i wanna be small but i have so little muscle that ill have to be very dangerously underweight to look even #close to how i want. many peoples ugws are under that line. mine was once. before i learned that its genuinely very very dangerous #and a lot of the people who look the way i wanna look are only just below that line which is where id like to be #they look that way bc they have more muscle. most ppl cant maintain a bmi of 14 or less for that long. eventually your body freaks out #ppl use instances like eugenia coonie as proof that you can actually do it but like. most peoples bodies wont hold out that long #and many of the ppl in thinspo pics eother only maintained it for a short bit before gaining or getting really sick or they weighed more #and had more muscle. and like. my goal isnt to be all bone. i dont wanna push it that far. bony people arent physically nice to hold anyway #i just wanna be light enough that somwone cpuld carry me and people might view me in a certain way #i wanna be seen as cute and fragile and shy and like. young and sweet. ots hard to explain exactly what i want peopel see see me like but i #want when people look at pictures or videos of me for them to think i look sweet and wanna be gantle and nice to me #and when i walk around places instead of seeing an awkward weirdo they see a timid cute girl whos really tiny and pretty #i know ill never be that but. maybe if i lose enough weight and dont have much acne and leave my hair down then maybe i can come close

[widevibratobitch]

.

#vent post vent post lalalala #i wanted to post some pictures from my weekend trip with my friends before its too late but then i saw my fucking face and now i wanna kms #like oh my god. oh my god this is really truly the face im stuck with forever and ever and ever till the day im fuckin rotting in the groun #incredible how unfair life can be lmao (<- girl who is having such incredibly superficial stupid fucking problems but is otherwise #quite privileged but of course that will never be fucking enough for her because she's soooooo fckn stupid and selfish and annoyinggg lol) #i dont know why im so obsessed with it now #like i genuinely remember KNOWING that im kinda ugly (and fat) in high school and being like 'so what lol idc' #so WHY is it such an issue now????? #idk. i just kinda wish i was dead every time i look at my face and realise there's nothing i can do to change it #i can dress in ways that will cover my ugly ass shapeless body. maybe i can even go back to my ed properly this time #and lose some weight. for a time. before i gain back twice as much and the circle begins anew lol #but my face is not gonna change no matter what i do lmao unless i fucking scrape it off with a grater or smash my head into pieces #and like. even if i do get that rhinoplasty (its not gonna change my faceshape anyway. nothing i can do to fix THAT fuckin atrocity) #every time ill look in the mirror i will only be reminded that its fake. and that my natural face was disgusting enough it had to be cut up #to be fixed somewhat. #i just wish i had ONE. just ONE nice thing about my body. literally just one its not even funny lol #and its so fucked up when you look at my mom who was so insanely fucking beautiful when she was my age. like. i cant blame her #cause how could she have known that the genes she'll pass on will not result in anything good lol but also i feel like such a failure #like its not really my fault i got the genes i got. but yknow. #anyway im tired of always being the ugliest person in any group im hanging out with. my cousins? check. my hometown friends? check. #my uni friends? my GOD check (how ARE they all so pretty and skinny??? insane). #god i wish i were dead. like fr fr. im not actively suicidal since i cant bring myself to *do* shit anyway. but i just wish i never existed

[ivanzplaid]

slashers & what their love languages are? ( michael myers, the grabber, billy n stu, lawrence gordon, mark hoffman? ) thanks!

THANK YOUU SM, ik i mainly write for the grabber but ive been itching to write for some ithers🙏🙏 but of course i can! for this ill do x gn reader :)

requests r open, masterlist is up!

Slashers & Their Love Languages x Gn Reader!

Warnings: Possessiveness, Kidnapped Reader ( Grabber ), Very slight angst, Lots of fluff fr, Obsessiveness

------------------------------------------------------------

The Grabber

jesus help you oml

everything. he wants to touch you, spend quality time with you, give you presents, talk about how great you are, he just cannot get enough of you

and he will do all of the above

if youre in the basement, be prepared to have him watching over you alot, and he will be heart broken if youre grossed out

he is sensitive towards you, but is also easily triggered

a pot ready to boil over

he is easily obsessive, to him thats its own love language

my god he wants you all to himself, protective & possessive

easily worked up whenever youre upset, claims hes an empath/feels what youre feeling, but in reality he just knows how tk read you like the back of his hand

if anybody flirts w you he is the biggest fan of pda, if youre ever allowed out of the house☺️

if you ever manage to make or give this man a gift he goes insane because of how thoughtful you are

"You have my heart, body, & soul Al,"

"Good."

//

Michael Myers

now he is a brick wall

a loving brick wall

if stalking you was a love language he would qualify

he watches you like a hawk, he is protective, he cares about your safety, internally, if he could say it, theres a part of him afraid of losing you

once in a while he gives you gifts he picked up while out and about, maybe it was a victims, maybe he stole it, 50/50

you have to initiate most pda, he isnt against it, but doesn't really know if or when you want it

after a while of being with you, he will hug you in random moments, no matter where or when, he likes to hold you

this mans buff as hell, he is inhumanely strong, so no matter your size, or weight, he picks you up easily

if youre home with him, relaxing, hold his hand

if youre outside doing whatever, expect to see him in the distance, just checking up on you to ensure youre doing good, he'll either walk away once you see him, or give a little wave

//

Lawrence Gordon

ive said this before, not the biggest fan of pda, he will casually put his arm around you, or hold your hand, give a quick kiss, but thats it

however dont let this fool you, he loves you much more than youll ever know

he loves touching you, complimenting you, acts of service & quality time

at home, expect him to be around you alot, admiring you, and even if he doesnt show it, your presence makes his life easier

even if hes in his home office working, there is a framed picture of you, and then one of you and him that he looks at to keep him motivated

receiving gifts was never a priority for him, hes happy with just you, but if you do grt him a gift, prepare yourself for sweet kisses & a heartwarming thank you, you will see this man wear it always

not overly protective, he knows that you know you are his, and he trusts you, he is faithful to you as well, if hes ever really protective, he snakes an arm around your waist and keeps you there

i thoroughly believe you are a great motivator for this man, if hes ever down or doubtful, you manage to bring life into him

hes more than happy to have you spend time with him while hes working, it may be quiet time, but he still wants you there

when he sleeps, he needs you close, or in his arms, has a deep fear of loss, but he may not admit it at first

"Lawrence?"

"Yes, darling?"

"You're everything to me,"

"You're my world."

//

Mark Hoffman

he is.. alot

not as bad as the grabber, he respects personal space & your boundaries

however, he worries about you internally alot after he lost his sister, so he wants to hold you & have you in his line of sight a majority of the time

quality time, touching.

he is a light hearted jerk who will make snarky comments, but mainly fills your time with comments about how good you look & how he is happy to have you in his life

he is protective, if someone eyes you up, he holds your waist & kisses you

sometimes, on days where his nightmares get to him, he will just want you to be around him in silence, holding or cuddling you

his vulnerable side comes out rarely, but he trusts you the most to see him like that

"Please just.. just stay with me for a few?"

"Of course Mark,"

//

Billy & Stu

my god the overbearing duo

not in a bad way, but they dont know personal space

for stu: touching, compliments, gift giving & receiving, quality time

for billy: touching, quality time, acts of service

those two combined, you are well loved, they cannot get enough of you, every waking & sleeping moment they are touching you

billy is much more protective than stu, and will not hesitate to let people know youre dating him ( & stu )

stu is lenient, but always has his arm around you, maybe its your waist, maybe its your shoulder, either way hes always hanging around

however, both will not hesitate to show how much they love you with their words, you will never be insecure after what they have to say

have bets on who can kiss you longer

its a tie

billy doesnt give gifts as regularly as stu, its not really his thing, but a few times you will catch him giving you a meaningful, thought out gift

stu is the king of gifts

no matter how dumb, he loves to give you it

trinkets, gag gifts, tiny things he picked up and thought "they would love this"

"Oh my god, thank you for the.. rock, thanks Stu,"

"Me and Billy actually came up with it together hot stuff, but of course!"

------------------------------------------------------------

bro this was sm fun😭 tysm!!! i love this

requests r open & masterlist is up!!

#the grabber #the grabber x reader #black phone #the grabber x you #lawrence gordon x reader #lawrence gordon #saw #mark hoffman #mar hoffman x reader #sawposting #slasher x reader #michael myers x reader #michael myers x you #halloween #billy loomis #stu macher #scream 1996 #scream #billy and stu #slasher x you #love languages

[smileymoth]

Im being mentally ill sorry chat

I need to kill myself at this point because I'm never going to get better in any way shape or form. I cant eat healthy because I get fucking weird about it. And I'd be okay with it because frankly I don't care if I make myself sick but at the same time I'm scared I'll die at 40 from heart failure because starvation kills your organs and your heart. But I'd not eat healthy in the first place so would it even matter. I hate that I can't say that I wish I was skinny because that means I'm scum of the earth bc i hate fat people even though I dont I just hate myself and everything to do with me because I'll never be enough for myself because I have crippling dysmorphia that makes me want to kill myself. I can'tlook at myself in the mirror i cant look at photos of myself because i hate my body so bad but i cant change it because i keep fucking eating i need to stop fucking eating i need to start counting calories again if i ever want to be skinny and get surgey god its such a long way to go to be skinny i wish i was underweight i wish i hhadnt gained 25kilos over the span of 3 years i need to kill myself because its all my fault its my fault i cant eat or work out properly or be healthy about it because im too depressed to cook for myself and im addicted to sugar and i have no energy or motivation to do things ever. What if its my fuckibg meds that raise my weight so much what if i went off them what if i stop taking them and eventually kill myself because being dead is bettef than being fat right thats what rhe doctors probably want you to beliebe. I look soooo normal on the outside im like smiling and laughing and i looknormal and happy to other people because i have nothing to prove to them for me beung sick beside them knowing i take meds and me joking about being suicidal. I dont have lost weight nor any scars to show them . God i wish i had the courage to cut my arm up so bad i had to get stitches but i cant because i lovr my mom and my mom loves me toi much and i dont want to worry her i already am terrifued of her seeing the small scars on my thighs . I cant even tell if cutting helps because it gives a nice adrenaline rush but then itd over and i feel guilty bc itll leavw scars that people can see i wish people didnt care aboyt scars i wish they healed and disappeared faster so i wouldnt havw to hide them but i also want them to see because i feel like its the only way i could prove to them that im ill and not just joking about it. I need to starve mtself and get skinny because theb maybe someobe will tell me im pretty because ill finally wear pretty clothes and i need to get rid of my tits and i need ro lose the weight for that abd im so scared i wont be able to . Its only 10 kilos it shouldnt be so scary to lose but i lost 5 in dec/january so before i even went to thw gym and now ibe lost nothing in 2 montjs and its so scary i hatw it i hate that im mentally il i hate that ik not ill enough for anyone to care . Im so pathetic it hurts really i need to kill myself but i cant because of my mom and it sucks . Im never going to get better and im never going to feel pretty enough or good enough in my life im always going to feel like a failure so why am i even trying anymore . I want to die but i dont i just want to be happy but i cant do that so i want to kill myself instead but i cant kill myself soim just stuck in this limbo of wishing i was a better person that im never going to be. I wish i had the self control to just not fucking eatif i cant make proper healthy food for myself i dont deserve it i dont deserve good thibgs i need to get beat up on the street by someone i dont deserve good rhings because i havent earned them im always gking to be a little freak thafs not enough for herself or the world because shes a depressed fat probably autistic freak whose only wish is to be happy and find love that i wont get becayse i cant talk to people. I also need to stop posting my mental breakdowns on tumnlr bc its not helping anyone but here we are. Im not a good person am i

#moth post #ed tw #sh tw

[crows-home]

Kotetsu's a bad dad, but also a good dad. He loves his daughter so much. But he's neglectful. He always thinks about Kaede, but he doesn't really know her. Here are some things I've been thinking about that, because holy shit.

Fuck I have so many thoughts about Kotetsu. He's a good person, he's a good hero, he tries his best always. Even if he's embarrassing or is a liability, he's always willing to go. Willing to put himself or his pride at risk for the sake of what's right.

But he's not a good father. Always gone, so focused on his work, that he never sees his daughter. And sure, he loves her a lot. She's his whole world and the reason he pushes himself. But that doesn't negate the fact that Kaede never had a father that was present as she grew up. And all his attempts at connection- his words, his gifts- they all feel so... surface level? "Ill give her a hair pin :) a teddy bear :) my little itty bitty baby girl"

No, buddy. Your daughter grew up. She's not four anymore. You need to communicate with her, learn her interests, and support her. Not just give her presents and empty promises. Not just talk down to her. And I know it's not all his fault. Single father, widow, the fate of so many people on his shoulder on the regular. He's not perfect, has no idea what he's doing, and just desperately wants his daughter to like him. To be proud of him.

But he was the younger sibling, probably didnt have much experience with kids younger than himself. I've seen it before. He's a parent that just wants to be Good Enough. Doesn't want to make the wrong move, and in doing so, is too loose with his parenting. Not confident.

But god, he's his daughter's biggest cheerleader, even on the side.

All Kaede had was her grandmother, who she could lose at any minute, and a dad that would always choose his work over her. She didn't know her dad was a hero, so that's all she saw. It's so much anxiety for a kid, and it makes me sad to think about.

WHICH IS WHY I WAS SO HAPPY WHEN THEY TOUCHED ON IT IN SEASON 2!!! like, Kaede actually calls him out on it!!

"Just neglect me like always. It's all you're good for!"

Fuck, hearing her say that made me flinch. It's true, and he knows it. But by season 2, it feels like Kotetsu's more... mature? I think part of it is Kaede knowing that he's a hero now, so she's not always hurt when he says he has to leave her for a "work emergency." And part of it is knowing that she's growing, she's not a baby, she can handle herself.

It's a hard transition, realizing this kid who used to depend on you to feed them, keep them clean, keep them safe, doesnt need that anymore. Suddenly they're doing things on their own, they dont need constant supervision, and you have to let go and realize that they can keep themself safe. But it's a weight off his shoulders, I think. That realization.

My daughter will be okay. I'm here for her now, if she needs me, but i cant protect her from every little thing, and maybe i dont need to.

its just. he's not perfect. i dont think he was a very good father at all, in the beginning. and Kaede is absolutely allowed to resent him for that. She needed him there, and he wasn't. She's allowed to feel abandoned and alone, even if she knows her father was off saving the world or whatever. it obviously still bugs her, and i'm so glad that was included. Instead of just keeping her as the two dimensional "yay my dad is so cool now that i know he's Wild Tiger! Everything is fine with me now :3"

But they'll both just have to live with it and grow with each other. Kotetsu is becoming a better parent, as best as he can, along with all the other worries he has. Kaede deserved a better father growing up, deserves it still, but is becoming a confident young woman, still navigating through it all.

i dont know how to end this. it just really hit me to see a family dynamic like this. i love it so much, would love to explore this more one day.

#pobre payasito #tiger and bunny #kotetsu t. kaburagi #kaede kaburagi #this ended up being a lot more about parenting than i thought it would be oops #im sorry but also no im not. family feels will always get me

[toinfinitywinning]

confident about confidence & not confident that makes sense.

*real Quick. This (G)entry might make ur head spin. Could also Title : what you think no one knew. U tried it.

I wont ask for a raise of hands. Everyone deals with it. There’s no solution, no answer. Experience & being a dumbass——>Guidance and wisdom. There are many reasons I bring up confidence. One, it’s one of those words that’s not a word …it is a State of being. you just kind of don’t know where to place it b/c well, you’re not confident of where to land w/ it and even if you were you’d be like just leave it bc i don’t have time for this. to debate confidence v confidence? again Dog-ear the page or burn it bc im not even confident about THAT. Then once and only if it’s (the whole world of confidence) placed hyper-questioning kicks in: is that where it should be? Then… be and stay? Also am I losing it? I’m not confident about that but maybe. That’s always on the agenda you never agreed to and I AM confident about that i think.

If there is one constant in My Life it’s been My back n forth relationship with confidence. I have this thought daily, truly. I’ll say to myself ok yea I’m cute…

[insert any other compliment you give yourself or even receive by others only b/c you’re actually insecure— and just like the fact you’re still sick from being healthy (Me) it doesn’t make sense so bc it doesn’t make sense just I guess get over it and carry on]

…but R u cute enough to actually be happy and okay about that or do you want to change something? Take another chiseled mirror picture flexing? And u never went to a trainer? Feel better now? But I only got 3 likes. So idk.

Er No i think I’ve figured it out. Just dont eat. Exercise 2-4 hrs a day. Weights. 100 Push-up’s. 100 Calf raises. Repeat. Twice a Day if ya can. Anything to find confidence in the material. Find Pride. Only Pride you’re good at tho is the lgbtq spectrum and recently are glad it’s a spectrum since u have no idea where you fall into it anymore bc you’re not confident and it’s completely irrelevant b/c I can live between the letters+ the rest of my Life— that’s fine. Any of which could be foreshadowing of any category of Illness to come. But yea Now that you’re sick…you gotta trash your other Pride AGAIN b/c you can’t do anything without help.

10, 9, 8…my Tourette’s R throttled.

Then lately, aka the past 2 years—I can make the cute comment, i like my sun freckles and My eyes. My baby hairs when i wear a hat backwards. My smile. Just dont smile where you look fat or have a dbl chin bc you worked too hard to get all that weight off and how would that look if you just got fat again? Pitiful and weak and a fraud. Going back on your word b/c anything I declare Online is binding. So just Show some of your body in pics but not all so people dont think youre trying NOT to be totally honest with internet fame but so you still look confident. but as for doing anything about it…physically can’t now b/c trying to get better is not a good idea bc of POTS and Pppunishment for trying to be in shape but oh when u tried to be in shape never was not-not punishment. Then what…back to no confidence. Felt like My Face is cute but _______ oh, ill still think that later. Confident about that. Forget about iiit. Post it.

Then all the sudden youre not just fighting with yourself. there’s the whole social Media thing also including the “felt cute, might _____ later.” What R we doing later (?!) LOL. We say Shit that doesn’t make sense at all. (English still deemed the hardest language to learn b/c we have three versions of the same thing). Who decided why ppl need to know what we’re doing later if we are cute? LOL, Well then, I’m typically the later. I think. B/c if I even did feel cute I didn’t have enough confidence to say it, yea? Even if I was?

TRAP

This goes back to My eating Disorder(s)—which, is technically a fantastic eerily precluding example of the back and forth weight and confidence issues I’ve always had on and off. Ok so weight, up and down. Confidence obviously plays along. Self worth in that scale- turn the lights off. Can’t see your bones anymore, I’m doing something wrong. I’m healthier but I also have Long COVID-19? I lost all this weight and im fainting? Oh and science does back up that the reason u were so susceptible to getting sick is bc you got healthy! Your body was so assaulted it kicked into overdrive to help you but did a 180 gainer instead of the whole 360. So u Quit smoking. stopped drinking, et. Working on an eating disorder mixed of anorexia and exercise bulimia bc you used to be morbidly obese and lost 150 lbs and dammit you’re gonna let ppl know it for confidence’s sake. Do. Not. Waiver. Social Media is holding us all hostage and accountable.

That’s weak, Gentry. B/c if it’s on the Internet it’s REAL and it’s permanent. Keep it up. Don’t think about it too much.

Back to my body being so healthy it gets sick. The most laughable backwards bull shiggity I’ve ever been a part of. My Pleasure. Again, body got So healthy in fact, the health takes form and wants to protect you so badly that it turns turbo, fast, furious and wants to heal you SO fast and so well, well, it’s bad. And, AND, you cant do anything about that trust me your body is confident in that. Oh and also wait even tho u did follow all the covid safety rules half of America made fun of that is also irrelevant. Why? I’m confident the answer is bc What why? LOL. This gets Good, gets better. Need 2 years to explain. So book it in advance.

Speed ‘round to tie all the above mess? not confident I can do that with this entry. Can’t speed through any of this type Schitt in a few words. Forget a proofread.

Engine sputters. Then stops even sputtering. And pls stop using that word.

Pretty confident I can’t go anywhere now!

See now? Ofc you don’t.

Truly it was the beginning of the End. I’m confident about that. I do thank God for that tho. Not that this needed to happen but something needed to distract Me from myself and its prison only I could have built. Go ahead and add that pressure to your Tab too.

Me thinks i do. I sound Manic. And steroids influenced.

PS: if you take anything from this—these strategies of extremes to get extremes don’t work. They’re temporary. It’s more your mind than your body. They’re not going to make you happy everlasting.even Snow White got F’d temporarily and she was not even cute. There’s a shallowness to the extremes intoxication but unless like an Addiction you’re ready to Face and admit it honestly healing cannot Begin. TIME is on your side and most of the time you’d prefer it the other Way then the other Way. So This “advice”— or call it what you want— doesn’t just apply to confidence and the extremes we Will take so you CAN be all about you you you. Where is the line btw confidence Health and cockiness and a titch narcissism? The obsession—It Will leave you empty.

I just read the above and thank goodness I didn’t handwrite it b/c then you’d really have no chance of deciphering any part of it! Even so you may have to learn the hard Way like most of us. Something I’ll never understand but can look at somebody and know they’ve been there too.

Just do you. Don’t try so hard. You’ll be so tired. But just be present. That’s gonna bring joy. Not a scale. Not a selfie. What do YOU want. Trust my confidence on this at least. Ya can’t beat it. Truly is what is at your Core. What do people think first? I’m still unsure I want to know that anyway! Being yourself is terrifying. WHYYY?!

I need a scribe.

Don’t ask Me ;)

Be blessed.

Xx, g3

#Confidence #selfesteem #why #scared

[the-gayest-sky-kid]

for blorbo bingo I desire your opinion on gay clown nikolai, liddol guy mika, and/or babygirl genius architect kaveh <3

he was having a girl moment

unfortunately. his silly swag caught up to me and before i knew it i was excited when u started liking him dhdhshaj

ywah

understandable i think. he'd let me maybe

MY SON MY BABY. i can fix him. and by that i mean he can stay in my teapot and i can work out a custody arrangement. or hand him over to kaveh

mikas got like a lot of problems that i think everyone like. overlooks. he doesn't want to be a burden more than anything, and is seemingly terrible at saying no to people. him and noelle are plenty similar in this regard, the only difference being that mika is a member of the knights already. he's not just socially awkward, but cares about the reputations of the superiors he represents. he's not just shy, but is terrified of making himself a burden to others. in almost every voiceline he has he says something like 'i wont drag you down' or 'ill take some weight off your shoulders'. in his wounded voicelines he says he'll be fine or alright. in his gift 3 he says he'll finish eating the disgusting food because you went through the trouble of making it for him. in his about mika V he says he's fine with whatever anyone thinks of him.... AS LONG AS HE'S NOT CAUSING TROUBLE FOR ANYONE. mika is also an incredibly intelligent man! hes the ONLY person who can use the mapmaking gadget he has with ease. why? because, and i quote, "This function can greatly improve the accuracy of a map, but regrettably, everything else — including the statistical information and calculations regarding the terrain in question — has to be computed in the user's mind". Mika is constantly doing mental calculations to use this gadget, and he's the ONLY surveyor who can. Also

his issues regarding wanting to be completely confident in what he says lest they reflect badly on varka and eula are sooo me fr fr

mika my son boy

i cant live normally now that i know abt him. i cant look at him the same. hes not just the nerdy sounding little german boy hes a guy to me

theres so much lost potential in not having him in more stuff. just like heizou mika needs more events. i honestly thought he'd be a focus in weinlesefest because thats where he was introduced but???? they didn't??? it makes me so fucking angry. also i want expanded venti mika friendship

preemptively

:))))))))

HES SO UNDERRATED AND THERES NOT ENOUGH OF HIM GHHH BITING YOU

why does everyone think that he's like. the dumb one. he's literally equally smart as haitham, and is stated to have the closest understanding of true wisdom. in NAHIDAS WORDS. they also dont understand his mommy issues. his father may have died but he lost his mother that day too. and he'll never have her back. hes was doing the emotional labor in that relationship and then she left him!!!! she started a new life in fontaine!!!! her last bit of family, her son, wasn't able to make her happy anymore. was he not enough? do you understand

its less they dropped the ball of kaveh and more they dropped the ball on haitham. which fucks it up for kaveh. if haitham is always right when we see him then we dont see how kaveh reflects and improves him. and if kaveh always loses then of course he seems dumb :/

kaveh 💕💕💕

i can. i can do it watch me

hes literally gorgeous???? stunning???

its less that I hate him and more that im so concerned for him. i fundamentally can't understand why he'd pour his all into the palace of alcazarzaray despite everything else. id kill him for that. which is why hes so fucking well written

you understand

see: point about haitham

stares at you. stares at you. stares at you.

MORE KAVEH NOW. HIS INTERACTIONS ARE SO INTERESTING AND I NEED MORE OF IT ‼️‼️‼️

#caps cw #swearing cw #longer post #long post #aethers asks #ask game #as u can see im so normal

[bonesandthebees]

5. rocketduo

thinking about rocketduo again bc damn them, they have captured my brain

glass!rocketduo are so fun to me, like what do you mean you didnt know tommy and wilbur survived lmao, like yeah, I understand, they probably didnt want to ask about it to not be weird but its still funny to me, poor guys had quite the scare (for what they did more than deserved tho)

that brings up the question of what do deathlings think about ghosts? it would make sense for them to believe, krisitin not accepting a soul or a soul not wanting to go until they get peace, anyway I got distracted again

I think they regretted what they did. they probably didnt get enough time before seeing crimeboys are alive to have fully admitted that to themselves, but just going from their initial reactions right after killing tommy and to seeing them alive and than dealing with the consequences its clear they havent thought it through, they didnt think about howd they feel about killing tommy, how it wouldnt be worth the revenge. like im not saying they are necessarily morally above murder, but this is tommy and they used to be friends and it all happened in a burst of emotions, anger, but in the end it couldnt have been what they wanted, right? we see they regret it, clearly niki wasnt counting on losing wilbur, even tho it was pretty clear of you thought about what they wanted to do, but even jack and tommy, I believe

the truce. its yet again super interesting to me. bc after what jack (and niki) did, being the last to strike, basically, it had to be proposed by tommy, the one whos turn it is, going with basic revenge rules. otherwise it would seem a bit weak, desperate coming from rocketduo. but on the other hand tommy is who started this and the one whose stubbornness caused it to go this far (ive been saying it this whole time and ill say it again, tommy shouldve apologised AND admit he was wrong (which he was, even with his intentions he mustve seen it, looking back at it) bc this whole thing couldve been avoided with this (its so cool to see your characters being so human, not always doing the right things and having ugly traits and not being perfect, im just loving digging through the complicated moral stuff in this story)) and so him proposing this truce, giving it the same weight as his murder attempt at jack, to me, looks like admitting that his murder attempt was just as justified as jacks was (aka admitting that he was as wrong for doing so as jack was, on one hand doing it as a self-preservation (in one situation of their dignity/freedom in the other of their actual lives) on the other just being wrong

also interesting is how the truce is formulated outloud only between jack and tommy but bc of the nature of their relationships or automatically translates to wilbur and niki too and how they just accept that decision, stating their feelings about it (the trust is lost, but there care is still lingering and will probably never go away)

anyway, I wonder what was going through their heads when they showed up when tommy and wilbur were leaving, like how much of it was show-up-so-others-dont-ask (tho others know about the tension from the first murder attempt) and how much was no-matter-what-happened-i-cant-let-them-leave-without-seeing-them-one-last-time, id like to think its mostly the other, for niki its pretty obvious with wilbur, but tommy, niki and jack lived together for quite a while, jack and tommy would often go on runs together, they were friends, jack and wilbur were also somewhat friends, and jack must recognise, maybe unconsciously, that wilbur didnt really cause any of it, just got tangled in. and going completely away is very different from just ignoring each other so after all is settled and they have the "truce" ofc they had to go see them before leaving yk

we see jacks gaze, lingering on tommy, revealing some regrets he might have about what he did, now that the anger has been pushed out (literally) and now all he sees is what (who) he lost. and with niki and wilbur, obviously, wilbur doesnt trust niki but he still waves back, he makes sure she can see his metal fingers (he knows she will understand what that means to him, plus its something they have in common, another way they can understand each other, bc while the trust has been broken the care and understanding remains)

(if I ever try and get adhd diagnosis ill just show them how many parentheses I use and speedrun it)/j

in my head the reason rocketduo didn't know that wilbur and tommy survived is that rocketduo got back from the palace stinking of smoke with their throats raw having just worked together to murder their friend. they did not talk to a single person, they both just went to their rooms and passed the fuck out. and everyone else in the temple was pretty much in the same boat in terms of being exhausted, so no one really bothered going to breakfast the next morning. phil just did a headcount to make sure everyone lived and everyone kind of just meandered out on their own time to get their food. and both jack and niki made a point of not talking to any of the other deathlings because they both had some conflicted feelings over what they'd done. if they'd had another few hours, niki probably would've gone to the infirmary on her own to see if wilbur had made it out.

deathlings don't really believe in ghosts but you know how irl there's always people who are like "I don't really believe but like if I see evidence-" that's kind of how I see jack. niki, not so much. if you notice she didn't actually say anything about them being ghosts. that's because unlike jack, she knew they weren't ghosts. she knew the moment she saw them that they'd both survived and realized that now she had to face what she'd done

tommy absolutely should've admitted that he was in the wrong when he tried to kill jack before. all of this could've been avoided. but he didn't, because tommy has a lot of issues. but he's also started to learn from his mistakes. example: him calling the truce. tommy finally realized that meeting anger with anger doesn't get you anywhere. an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind and all that. he understands that if he were to try and get back at jack for killing him, the cycle would just continue on and on. and of course, like you said, he recognizes that jack was justified in doing what he did. he sees now how his own actions led to this.

niki and jack both showing up to see tommy and wilbur leave was 100% them wanting to see the two of them before they went. there was no matter of appearances. it was the lingering care they both still have for their friends despite everything that's happened. it's wilbur and niki yes, but it also genuinely is the lingering attachment both jack and niki have to tommy. they've been friends with him for years. they both cared for him for a very long time and despite everything that care isn't completely gone. they have to see him leave. both of them.

but of course niki and wilbur have the most tension in that moment. because wilbur makes sure she sees his fingers, and she knows what she did to him. she deeply cared about wilbur and still does, and wilbur does still care about her as well. like you said, it's an understanding they now share. and in a way, wilbur choosing to wave at her was a peace offering. one that says he's not going to forget what happened, but in the future when he and tommy come back, maybe they can recover some of what was lost.

#ask #jiksvokrat #glass ch 28

[arrozaurus]

ms changed my worldview because it meant that my future was unpredictability and things that i take for granted today, like my mobility, my senses or my cognitive abilities, may fail me in the long term. i dont know if ill lose them or to what degree. i just cannot make any plans because every plan will backfire no matter what.

idk somehow i just figured that what i have now i would enjoy it to the max. im going to love going up the stairs, im going to love touching the dirt, or im going to do that thing ive always wanted to do but i never dared to because i thought maybe it was not for me. im going up mountains and seeing plants and animals no one ever bothers to pay attention to. im going to love balancing my weight on rocks that are not fixed to the ground just to see if i can.

and because of this my life is probably more enriched that has ever been? sensorially, mentally and physically. and maaan... i could not recommend this enough to someone in the same situation as me

#been thinking about the possibility that physical and sensorial activity actually helps you heal from relapses faster #because of neuroplasticity #ur brain makes new paths which means more axons which means more myelin #if u take this with a dmt you are just going to kill it right? #idk this may not work with everyone but apparently there are studies supporting this and it definitely doesnt only work for ms #multiple sclerosis #this post is corny yes what do u expect from me

[homestucky]

tw for pretty heavy discussion of diet, body image, weight, eating disorders etc. and emetophobia

so i grew up overweight. ive been overweight my whole life pretty much, with the exception of maybe 2 years when i was around 19 where i was a little lighter.

im a practical person. im a reasonable person. i grew up a tomboy. i dont like shallowness. i had minimal interest in sex and relationships. i was never rejected for my appearance. looking conventionally attractive has no reason to be a high priority for me

but still

i am completely insane.

there is no other way i can say it concisely. and i suspect that if you did not grow up overweight, perhaps particularly as an overweight girl/afab person, there are some things you just cant understand, because how would you even know?

so yeah, insane. like, obsessive. deluded. unable to fully comprehend reality. i cant tell what i look like most of the time. from the age of about 7 i fantasised daily about being skinny. fantasies about shedding my outer layers and showing everyone. and i wasnt even usually someone who wanted to impress or appease boys or ‘cool’ people. i honestly am not that motivated by what people think of me. yet my goal was always - figure out how to lose weight.

any eyelash i wished on, any 11:11, it was that. i thought about it every day.

and there was honestly no reason for it. it felt like life or death sometimes. i TRIED to have eating disorders. it feels so shameful to admit - i tried and failed. its so easy to imagine how funny that might be to some (mean) people. if i dont eat regularly, i literally get faint in a way that impacts my functioning VERY quickly, and other people can see. my gag reflex does NOT work. and trust me, i have tried. for hours, once. but I cant even do that right. id binge but i couldnt purge. my body would not let me give the food up.

‘i tried to be anorexic but i got too hungry’, ‘i tried to be bulimic but i couldnt purge so i just binged’ sound like sick jokes, like things fatphobic people would say to mock people they think dont try hard enough, because overweight people are lazy.

heres the thing. its good that i wasnt able to develop these disorders. of course it is. they are terrible things and i do not take them lightly. so im glad. im lucky that my body didnt let me. but that didnt stop me from feeling like a failure, feeling frantic and like at least if i could do this people would be sympathetic, bcaus its evidence that i was TRYING, even if it was in a bad way.

the feelings i had about myself and still have...

it impacts everything. its such a massive part of my identity. it stopped me from playing, climbing, doing sports. it stopped me from playing about with style and clothing because trying things on in changing rooms, looking at myself in the mirror, made me so anxious that i would feel physically ill.

and most batshit of all, it made me truly believe that i was a joke. that any room i walked into, people would pity me or be amused by me just at a glance. that i was always viewed by everyone else as just slghtly less human. that if someone was gonna be mocked id be first.

that if i ever did anything silly or made a mistake, it would be made 100x worse by my body - like if i said something awkward, or dressed bad, or came in to class late, or fell over, it wasnt something i could just brush off. because i was already a joke, so this would just add to it. if you are skinny and you get a question wrong in class, thats fine somehow, but if youre chubby and you do the same, you are slotted into the role of ‘stupid *and* fat person’ because everybody knows that stereotype so thats just who you are.

its wack that it doesnt just impact my confidence with sports, or clothing, or people finding me attractive, but literally EVERYTHING.

it feels like as long as youre fat, ANYTHING you do could potentially have a laugh track put over it. falling, crying, laughing, dancing, getting hit by a car, it doesnt matter.

and that is an INSANE way to feel. especially aged like, 10.

i lost some weight when i was 18 but i didnt feel different. i didnt feel more worthy or like i was a better person. i wasnt more deserving of love and respect. i just had more time and some money for a gym membership, and had little by way of responsibilties so didnt stress eat. and theres the fact i was diagnosed with an overactive thyroid too.

my situation changed, my thyroid got treated, and i gained it all back and then some. so i started to feel less bad about it. how could i feel so bad about not being that weight, when being that weight required me to have a chronic disease while also spending about 14 hours at the gym a week and calorie count? it was a bit of a revelation

but the craziness didnt go away completely. its still my first wish when i see an eyelash. i still feel like i will be who im really supposed to be ““when”“ i ““finally”“ lose weight, that fabled goal ive had most of my life and rarely achieved, and it will make people like me more, understand me more, respect me more, love me more. i also know that this is not correct. but i feel it anyway.

i have a shit tonne of things to worry about, like the fact im unemployed, or the state of the whole entire world, but theres still part of me that insists that being skinny is the most important goal. because if i was skinny people would be sympathetic to any of my other failings. i work out and try to be healthy as much as i can, because i want to be fit and healthy, because i think it is helpful to improve my experience as a human animal. but still when i say ‘i just work out for fitness, i just watch my diet to make sure im getting what i need, its not about weight or looks’ on some level....im alwaaays lyingggggggg ;)

i have no reason why im saying this now. its not pertinent. i just had to get it out.

#dont want this to appear #in #tags #i know usually i could just put the tws in tags but idk it feels significant so why not just say it stright up at the beginning ykno #idk this is just a sort of vent #diet #weight #weight loss #body image #eating disorders #bulimia #anorexia #emetophobia #long post

[beforeeyestheyscorn]

thinking about food and what i can and can't eat

i deleted the calorie counting apps, and fasting app

i want to get better, but i also hate my body and want to lose weight

im in this tug of war with yo yoing my body.

i hate it. i hate calorie counting

i like feeling hungry and i like feeling control

i hate being weak

i hate being big

i try to tell myself im more than my body, but its not true

people judge me first by my appearance then my personality

im not valuable if i don't "fit" in. and I dont. I look like a butch lesbian. a weak fat , stereotype. and it accurate. im a weak fat lesbian . i've thought about trying to be as much as a "man" i can be without transitioning , but im too weak. i hate it.

my hair is short now, it looks very punk and i really like it. but you can see how fat my face is. really see my lack of jaw line. i hate it.

there are a lot of things i wish for, losing 15lbs is something i can actually change

im just a walking ball of irony and contradictions.

i praise the punk aesthetic and life style and refusing to fill into society's norms, yet i want to lose weight to fit in better, to be seen as more than, because i know people judge you by your body,

and its silly. why do i even care? because i know i have better potential than i am now? because i don't want to be outcasted? as if i can control the last one.

i know im doing this for me, mostly. mostly. some of it is internalized misogyny , that i need to be skinny to be seen as a 'woman'. my hair is short now, i don't want to get mis gendered. im so insecure about my femineity , as a queer person.

my mom always treated us girls different growing up. like we never did enough. her expectation's were so high, yet with my brothers, they do the minimum and mom pampers them.

i know why i don't like being a woman, becuase being a woman. i had to be everything and say nothing.

i need to clean for my grandparents, take care of my grandma, go out of my way to do these things, its expected of me, even though im not livening with them, the boys are, yet when they say no, its respected, they aren't seen as ungrateful or selfish , they don't get guilt tripped for not doing a care taking duty

" he works"

"hes tried from his job"

"he won't clean it right"

I work, i study, i have hobbies, i have more of a social life, it means nothing in contrast. he wont clean it right because everyone else cleans up after him.

mom use to leave notes in my brother lunch, she packed, for his school activitys. me? i packed my own, i was usually the last kid to get picked up. mom would get home at 5 and remember i needed picked up at 6, and pick me up at 8 or 7.

you would forget about me. tell me i just need to work harder when i struggled with school.

i just need to lose 15lbs, maybe then ill be better, it won't, but i know ill get praise for being fit and skinny if nothing else. ill still get told im ugly for my scars, but thats where being skinny should make up for it. i'll be fit, so when i do physical work for you actually tell me good job ,atleast i hope

[our-inspire-verse]

Weird introject/pseudomemories vent below

Inthrum: Im kinda in like this. Paralysis. Sorta. Im just so, so sad and grief ridden. I am missing my last life, im missing who i was back then, and most of all I'm really missing the people i knew. The people. Dan, hes sorta here. And Cadance. A few others. But Alder. That "sorta" hurts a lot. It hurts way more than i ever EVER would have expected it to.

Is it my this life parental issues, the reminders of losing him last life, or the jarring emptiness that comes with a fragment headmate that is making me fall apart? Is this just the straw on my back? Am i just experiencing the normal weight of emotions one would experience facing this sort of thing? Or am i mentally ill? Delusional? Focused on the wrong things? Maladaptive daydreaming is in our history... particularly mine would make sense. Why couldnt sherl front earlier? Wouldnt he be better for up front?

Lol. I dont know. I feel like mentally i know the answer to all this. That its all okay. Like, that maybe Alder's going to eventually figure out his memories and feel okay and attached enough to be fully formed in this life. That we could have a real conversation outside of music, or signs, or memories. Or that weird amalgamation of energy levitating in mindspace that looks like him. Feels like half of him. Doesnt feel all the way alive. Maybe he isnt, maybe he hasn't been.

Why didn't he cure his lycanthropy? It's not his fault, i hold no resentment, and i understand in part. But it made his genetics hard to treat in the time we had. All the raging he'd done. All the work, and all the unknowing time. It passed. And so did he and i had to experience that regardless of anything before and afterwards. I had to live that.

And now, i was doing the math today. Alder said he was 33 when i came to him, and the first birthday i actually understood and celebrated with him was 35. He was 67 when he passed. Did i really only get like, 32 years with him? Only. We dont even onow what 32 feels like in this life yet. Flip the numbers. 23. Still 9 years to go. In 9 years ill be the age i was then, in that stupid hospital room with a view. Thata not exactly how he wanted to go, but better than a facility that gave us a .09% survival rate. I would have had him die up there in my distress, but he asked to be taken off high tech support so he could be on his own planet at the time it happened.

And i remember fighting about it. I didn't make it easy, and bless Alder he talked me down. A lot. And then he wasn't there to soothe me. He told me he was never sorry for dying, he didn't want to leave me wondering later in life if i should be guilty for making him feel like that.

He said thank you for being strong, so we can find each other in the afterlife. Strong energies gravitate to one another, and he said he felt stronger than ever with me. That man really loved me, he did. He showed it and he proved it and he did. Again and again, and he still does. I miss him. And I've never seen his face.

But right now, every day for the past just about week, I've been overwhelmed with memories of this person. This guy. Random guy. Could have been anyone. I remember my first revealed memory that he was a person the christmas lights in the truck! And then the next memory i got, when he met me. When he saved me. And then he saved me. And then he saved me again. Again. Again. Again.

He showed me how to be after i didnt get that chance. When i was cast out by the beings who birthed me. Not family. Never was. Just the group of strangers who used me and cast me out. Abandoned on the side of the road. He gave me the chance. Grabbed my hand firmly and gave it to me. Pushed it into my chest.

He walked me step by step by step into the light and he showed me how to feel the grass under my shoes and breathe the air. All of it literally and metaphorically. He was there. Theres pieces of him here, but such is the way of finding paradise, then watching it go away to move on for the next life, one of pain and nightmare. You have to carry these memories into places no one will bring you lessons. I have to remember him to survive. And i dont know how to do that.

#introject #fictive #osdd #actually plural #pseudomemories #pseudotrauma #grief #vent #negative #personal #do not reblog #ok to interact #Alder Bickerman #Inthrum Bickerman #system babbles #system stuff #headmates #past life #found family #father figure #spirituality #loss #depression

[bean-green]

I miss my bean so fucking much. I dont even know if i mentioned it here but i had to put him down about a month ago. He was 9 which is pretty damn good for a rabbit, and i was very well prepared for this, but by gods i was never going to be Ready. He declined over about two weeks, losing weight and very fussy with food. I was picking bunches of grass from my overgrown yard because thats all he would eat regularly. We thought he maybe just needed his teeth done bc that was on the dockett, but when i took him in she said his teeth werent bad enough to explain the weight loss. That appt was on a monday. Im still not sure what was going on at this point or what started it. But he was too weak to get bloodwork done (bc they need to sedate for that in buns) so i was given pain meds for his arthritis and i gave him critical care. He gained a little weight and had an appt for the next week bc he was on track to be strong enough for bloodwork by then. Late that thursday night i noticed his head was drooping more than usual, and to the left. I called first thing in the morning. He couldnt push against my hand on that side either. I sent vids to my roommate whos a tech at his vets clinic. She said bring him in asap, luckily they had availability. We concluded he probably suffered a stroke, and even if i could get him on treatment and meds for that, the other quality of life factors were too low regardless. So i cuddled my baby for as long as i could and sang to him and soaked his entire head in tears while the first sedation round kicked in. I thanked him for the years he gave me and told him he was the best bean in the world and that im so sorry it came to this. It was strange not being able to be in the back while they pushed the final fluid. I didnt even get to see his body after which was such a weird feeling. I opted for returned cremation (as much as i dislike the process and the fact that he cant be truly returned to the earth) because i dont have anywhere suitable to bury him. I was surprised at the closure getting his box brought. I also have two vials of his fur, one white one brown, and his little clay pawprint (they look so funny since they dont have pawpads lol.) but FUCK i miss him so much. Going through all the videos i have of him really drove home the fact that he was not his usual self in the last ~6months of his life. I dont really feel like i shouldve put him down earlier but i cant help but wonder. But until the stroke happened his vets were still very optimistic so thats reassuring. Idk. I just want to cuddle him again. Nothing beat bean cuddles. I will never forget the way he would shove his little head into my neck under my chin when i held him. Sometimes i put my fist in that spot and hold that arm with the other and it almost feels like holding him.

I am just so heartbroken. He was my beanie baby for over eight years. He was with me through SO much. Every time i see my url it makes me sad, but i dont think ill ever change it. Same with my grower acct on insta; i still plan on my company being called Bean's Greens when i found it. Ill never forget him, not in the slightest. I love you forever my beanieweenie. 💔

#tw death

[mellow-worlds]

The fact that T didn't mention me in his "diary" entry. The fact that he cancelled plans when nobody but me would show up. The fact that I thought he could be the one who liked me most. The fact that F never wants to do anything with us. The fact that D isn't here. The fact that G only ever talks to me because there's noone else. The fact that I lied to everybody. The fact that I lied to Snoopy. The fact that I'm so sad all the time. The fact that I'm not sad enough. I'm not sad enough. Maybe I should sh again.

The fact that none of my friends like me. I'm not close to any of them. I always keep it superficial. Idk what to do. I'm a little cold. At least I'v elost a little bit of weight. I started doing intermittent fasting. I'm scared of stagnating now. The fact that my friends won't like me more if I lose weight. Strangers might. But my friends will notice... That's worth the world. If I die, it's because my friends would notice. Is that too much? The fact that my frineds won't like me more after discovering that I'm in pain. The fact that my friends... I love my friends...... what to do? I'm kind of sad. Idk how to deal with the fact that no one likes me. I'm not dealing with it at all. I feel numb. I kind of accept it? Wish it were different... don't know how to change it. dont think I could.

The fact that I can't decide between being serious and respectable or being all sweet and like a child or literally just a girl. Idk what to do and how to behave. I suck. GOSH. GOSSSHHHH. The fact that I#m not sad enough. The fact that I'm not sad enough. This has probably been the worst week I've had in a long, long time and I'm not sad enough. Maybe I'll be sadder if I sh. That's no reason to do it. I feel like I've completely grown out of sh. I've hated these scars so much that I guess I really don't want any new ones. But...... I keep thinking that nobody ever sees my thighs anyway. Gosh I just want to be happy in front of my friends. I always feel numb deep down but at least I can fake it, then. I don't really fake it, thougj. I really don't fake it.

I hate fasting. I hate fasting in the evenigns. I won't stop. Maybe I'll shift my cycle. I wish I was dead. I want to lose more weight. Gosh I hate fasting. I really hate fasting. I HATE IT. I hate it in the evenings. The fact that I'll probably gain it all back... it's fine. this is not an ed. I'm eating a lot actually. I'm not even too hungry. this is not anorexia, i just fast. fasting is not anorexia. i#m not close to that at all. i want to die. i want to die. it'd be so nice. I just want to not wake up. I want to eat. priorities. gosh. im so sad. not sad enough ahhahahahahha see i can laugh. gosh. what am I doung. I wanted to watch a movie an hour ago. i shoudl do taht instead of whining. when the song's finished. alr. alr. im in pain. my throat.......

the fact that t didn't care to mention me. The fafct that I don't exist for other people. The fact that F has been messaging me a lot on ig. Doesn't mean anything but I get cocky enough to think that he likes me in at least some way. I want to die. F doesn't care for me. I dodn't deserve him anyway. song ended. nvm. not watching the movie yet. i want to die. NFWAJKNDFWJAKN THE FACT THAT I HAVE TO DO UNI WORK TOMORROW MAKES ME WANT TO DIE it#s not even a lot but it makes me so anxious. It makes me so anxious.... how will I pass even any exam..... ill get expelled from my course.......... im the stupidest bitch out there. i'm so fohcking stupid. i want to die. can't even fill out a simple paper.... ill do it tomorrow and I#ll be fine. ill be fine. ill be fine. i want to watch a movie but it's so late. makes me not want to watch it but watch 3 hours of yt in my bed instead. ISTG if i wake up after 3 hours of sleep again today I#ll kill someone. hopefully me. ok I'll go brush my teeth. maybe. when the song is done. I'll definitely go brush my teeth though. I've been watvhing so many Sims lps lately. by call me kevin. far too many. gosh I want to die. my throat hurts. I love the smiths. i really do. gosh. i should be locked up but i'm not sad enough for that. what should I do? ok song is over. now...

[mardoufox21111]

tired over it a bit. trying to live in the present been doing that sort of well haha. i feel a nice feeling when i do its like a weight is lifted off me. waiting on stupid colleague to give me a reference so i can get a job. last time i use her. prob will lose out on the job if she doesnt do it tonight - very frustrating. been writing a bit, trying. dont think the script is good enough for a win but you never know. will maybe change direction next week - want to nut it out to see how it goes first. want to sleep and swim and just relax, have this overwhelming feeling of guilt and dread that casts over me a lot. realise that’s d’s influence. she will be home until sunday from tomorrow. scary. been really hot, quite hot today. sweaty now ha. wonder how you get to a place where you feel okay. like where you dont have that feeling over you all the time. wish i had a normal upbringing. writing this script has been coming easy for the hard hitting parts - its all just d. kind of sad. i didnt realise its her and thought it was harsh but then i realise its all things shes said to me or done to me. would be really nice to just feel calm or calmer be able to take your time talking. feels like i have to rush everything all the time, probably because im scared ill get repercussions if i dont. 

[koishua]

hi vienna ,, tbh u dont need to read this bc idk if itd be triggering (body image issues) and id rather u not trouble urself bc of me but id like to vent somewhere and i dont have any1 to talk 2 so pls feel free to ignore .

ive always been overweight for my age but i never faced any bullying abt it other than some very occasion name calling of "fat" in elementary school and my family's disaproval for the way i look. as i grew up, i started to feel more comfortable around others despite not being satisfied with the way i look and i assumed that as kids mature they become more accepting, bc i had never been truly bullied b4 i just assumed it might be rare in communities such as where i lived compared to some of the horror stories i had heard. anyways all my life i had assumed people had been seeing me for more than what i looked like, i always tried to be kind and make a good impression on other but ig that's not true. as much as i love my circle of friends, im not sure i can see them same after what happened on friday. it isnt even their fault, i just feel very insecure now. but basically in 1 of my classes, we had a change in seating so i no longer sat near my friends but 2 acquantainces (they're rlly sweet girls but idk them too well) and this one guy that i also dont know very well other than that in 8th grade he had dated an old friend of mine for a little bit. but anywyas tbh i feel like im just being dramatic but i srsly can't get his conversation out of my mind . the boy was sat next to me and talking to his friend, their convo alr starting off on a wierd note abt kanye west. and the guy next to me (ill call him ray to make it easy) starts off by saying that kanye's note all that bad and has said some pretty true things. ray then goes on to say that fat people dont deserve to exist and body positivity is a completely stupid subject bc it only encourages obesity and unhealthy habits. all the while he's saying this, seated right next to me and im pretty sure he was glancing at me while saying it too . those 90 minutes were the most uncomfortable in my entire life. i was literally panicking while he was talking abt it and it's all that i can think of now. their conversation was truly disturbing to me and my confidence feels as if its completely tanked . his comments of "fat people are gross" and "being fat shouldnt be celebrated" keep ringing in my head everytime i go out or see myself in a mirror. i genuinely feel so broken and it hurts that theyve probably dont realize the effect of their words but also it hurts that that's all they can see me as. not another human being or a classmate but just "fat". idk where im going with this but i dont feel ok and i feel so exhausted now ,, just the thought of having to see ray's face again or hear his voice is scaring me . maybe im just overthinking but i cant help but wonder if my friends picture me the same way. am i even deserving of love if im so "ugly" . my friends sometimes comment that i look way older than my age or that i could pass for college aged and even comments like those are hard to brush off for me. sometimes i wonder if i should restrain my jokes and personality to stay kind bc that's all i am to them. just a source of comfort, and if i dont do that then i could be easily execused. im always scared of saying the wrong thing but now i keep wondering if it would never even matter bc all anyone will ever see me as is "fat" . it's not like i haven't tried to lose weight so i rlly hate everything that ray said and its srsly put me thru sm turmoil . anyways i shld keep this brief (sorry for the rant) and im sorry again for using ur inbox to rant , i rlly hope this doesn't cause you any pain or you find it triggering :( i apologize if it has caused you any concern or pain. i hope ur good and stay happy vie

tw: body image and weight talk

hello, dear :( let me start this off by saying that don't worry, i am perfectly alright and am glad that you feel it's safe enough to vent and write your feelings out in my inbox. you don't have to apologize for anything! i am the one who says that they're open if anyone needs to rant or vent. i would never judge. i had to read this a few times in order to collect my thoughts, so pardon me for delaying this a bit. i wasn't sure if you wanted my direct response, so i will just keep it short.

i won't say that i completely understand what you've been through and i can't speak on experiences i haven't personally lived through. however, as another human being, i will say this: you absolutely deserve to exist. i hope you never ever doubt that. i know how difficult it is to deal with comments about your appearance and it angers me so much that you're treated this way. i get how the side comments every now and then feels. bullying is horrible, but this is just as bad for someone's self esteem and health. im truly so sorry and wish i could do something for you, but i can't because of obvious reasons (that being me being just an online presence and not there with you).

i just want to reassure you that no matter what anyone says, you deserve love and life and goodness. a lot of people don't understand how difficult it is when you don't weigh below a certain number or how isolated that could make someone feel regardless if they're mentioned or not. everyone is so much more than just their appearance. idk how else i could help you other than to strongly remind you that you are you and that should be enough for your friends and that people should learn to keep their mouths shut on their opinions about other people's appearance. it doesn't matter if you lose the weight or if you tell them you struggle a lot with it. those people should reassess the way they're treating another human being with real feelings and thoughts. never lose who you are and trying to be what other people need and want you to be. it may end up making things worse, i know, and im not sure if you've ever told them directly that their words are extremely rude and hurtful and that they should stop, but someone (even if it's not you yourself) really, really should.

i pray that none of what i said has further upset you in any way. if so, i sincerely apologize :( i genuinely hope that this never happens to you again and that you'll have a greater year than ever and that you'll find wholehearted acceptance and love from those you are surrounded by and that you'll slowly but surely feel comfortable in your own skin. take care and you're loved! people like the ray you mentioned are not worth feeling bad over.

#ii. ( pt ) —! anon asks #tw: weight #tw: body talk