#i mean all of this isnt new to me i have been struggleing with depression for over 10 years

[betweenblackberrybranches]

Sorry for not posting much depression is hittin me hard rn

I really wanna make the next part of the comic or some cute doodles or even just answer asks or talk to my moots and reblogg their super cool stuff but everything is so hard for me rn nd i am so very exhausted and thats so frustrating

I wanna have fun with all of you right now but i just cant >:( sanch

#i ramble #im just really really tired #i know its going to get better again but i dont know when #i also really wanna do an ask game again but that means i have to actually sit down and write down stuff #which usually would be fun but right now my head spinns just thinking about it #i mean all of this isnt new to me i have been struggleing with depression for over 10 years #but its still sad when the things that usually make you happy just leave you exhausted and empty suddenly #sorry for the ranting #also do not worry about me its all fine #gonna get through this like i did a million times before #its still not great tho #im just gonna roll up under my bedsheets and take a nap now #like some sort of hibernating hedgehog or something

[kohakhearts]

well folks its been a good two months of denial but i am finally ready to admit that the reason everything sucks is because of major depression relapse. if i werent so depressed id make this everyone elses problem by projecting it on to blorbo but alas

#taylor.txt #incapable of making this not a joke but i do have to say it kinda sucks #like obviously ive never been 100% free of my depression probably on account of it developing when i was a Child and then not getting any #treatment or even really any sympathy for until i was in my late teens but. BUT. even my historic mental breakdown 2 years ago didnt really #feel like depression. like yeah i was sad and hopeless but this is very different. sad and lethargic more so. simply too tired to be lost i #despair. which is i guess a good thing because it means its easier for me to fix. its just that right now im kinda stuck in it #i dont know if id say ive experienced major depression since my first year of uni #thats why ive been denying it all this time despite it being pretty…glaringly obvious #anyway. good news is im meeting with the prof of one of the classes im currently failing this week #and now i guess i kind of have an idea of what to tell her because all this time ive been struggling and i havent understood why #the content makes sense. i understand whats going on. but my memory has gotten so bad recently and the energy required to do my assignments #has been way too much. and im past my limit on that at this point unfortunately. like yeah shes probably gonna tell me well that sucks but #theres nothing i can do to save your grade and thats fine but at least i know even if it was a Me Problem that i let myself get depressed #again in the first place being actively depressed is a major barrier that i at least know isnt 100% me being an idiot with a bad attitude #i will struggle to the finish line but i will make it there. even if i fail a class or two in the process #and regardless of if it gets better i will finally go see my therapist again in the new year </3 something obviously led to this so whos to #say it wouldnt happen again if i just let that fester. whatever it is #also writing has been tough for the same reason school has been tough but its still happening and i will do more of it when school is over #i PROMMY

[marrow-minded]

v7/v8 made me dislike ruby a lot but v9 made me really side with her. i've been in her shoes, with having to put on a strong happy face for everyone because their problems always seem to be bigger than mine.

but to see yang walk ahead of blake to shield her from ruby really broke me. like?? do you not know your own sister?? do you genuinely think she'd harm her own teammate??

blake doesn’t need protection, and it’s weird how yang tries to shield her like ruby is about to hurt her. i get bumbleby's whole thing is "we're protecting each other"

but that doesn't mean go and protect blake (who has shown she can hold her own in a verbal argument anyway) against your own sister, yang!

sorry for the rant, i just am in shock that this was written and executed this way with no one thinking of how ruby would feel from this. ruby was somehow more effected by jaune's rant (which, while valid, doesn't change the fact that jaune basically held a whole town hostage for 10-20 years) than by yang shielding blake.

as a certified Older Sibling that actually had to raise their siblings, its so wild to me how the writers seem to not want them to be sisters during this volume

:readmore:

like. from rubys seeming confusion at weiss saying "about time" to yang and blake flirting-- bc ruby is the team leader, she should be aware of the interpersonal development of her teammates, and also thats her SISTER ur telling me ruby wouldnt be a lil shit about her sisters crush on blake?-- to the more obvious, egregious issues that yang displays the entire volume about ruby and her mental health, its increasingly obvious to me that the writers of rwby struggle with writing their characters to have multiple different dynamics and relationships with multiple people, either from a lack of skill or an inability to diversify their characters emotional states

thats the problem with a) having all four main girls personalities mimic and mirror each other. there very little between their dialogue (until v9) that distinguishes them from each other; the words blake says could have been spoken by yang, whose lines could have been weiss', whose lines could have been rubys, whose lines could have been blakes, etc etc. until we get to v9 where suddenly blake is this flirty happy "bridge between humans and faunus" who can make plans when rubys unable to, who is more than happy to lead them through a fairytale without a care for the real world. and yang is back to being her quick to violence jokester, who seemingly never learned a lesson about starting fights and relying on her semblance. weiss is literally a joke, her character swinging rapidly between sadness for her fallen kingdom and physical comedic relief thats kinda... odd. and ruby... well. we know what rubys like in v9. but the point of all this is Suddenly all four girls are acting Very Different, not just between themselves but between their previous selves. it makes me wonder if these new personalities (sans depressed ruby who just had to be told her mother loved her and she kinda got over it all) going forward-- but this all means that yang and blakes relationship HAS to take priority for both characters at the loss of their other dynamics. we got half a second of blake and weiss actually talking and working together (which they failed, btw, somehow weiss and blake, the two smart ones, couldnt figure it out) where we get them shyly saying "im glad youre here" as if theyre barely friends, we dont get to see either of them actually find each other or ruby and the reunion-- but blake gets to glomp yang and cling to her and cry and have yang comfort her and hold her tight; weiss and ruby, who are also partners dont get that. RUBY AND YANG WHO ARE SISTERS DONT GET THAT.

which leads me into b) why are the teams even done the way they are. why is there an assigned team leader. isnt the whole point and culture of remnant that everyone is unique, every one has something special they can bring to a team? shouldnt a team of four be on equal footing with each other, where if there is a team leader its due to a vote by the members OF SAID TEAM? not some literal stranger after seeing one (1) fight based off the relics they picked on the first day of school?

idk thats more of just a flaw on rwbys worldbuilding and how frankly its kinda Silly to give ruby this angst about being team leader when A) multiple characters throughout the show have shown not to he happy and cheerful all the time and have never been punished for it, and those characters have only been met with love and support; where is this idea coming from where ruby thinks she cant be upset? she was literally upset a day ago when finding out about the hound and yang actively comforted her. nora was met with love and support with HER suicide attempt, was that why ruby veered to this extreme? idk and B) she spent more time as a member of RNJR and then as a conglomeration of two teams + two adults, and then they were huntsmen in atlas, where we didnt see team RWBY actually be a team at all.

anyways im spiraling off into other issues with the writing bc every bad writing choice in rwby spawns from fifteen others scattered throughout the show lol

as for ruby being more affected by jaunes outburst than yang defending ruby... well if i was ruby, id also be used to yang prioritizing blake and herself over me this point; both of them are basically strangers to me with all the shit they went through and all the shit i went through when we werent in each others lives and neither of them seem to be able to function without each other-- given that yang spent the whole time blowing up at ren and worrying about blake, and blake was unable to kill a single grimm without begging for help from ruby-- and jaune has been rubys best friend since the first day of beacon, and they have genuinely spent more time being partners and working together than ruby has had with any of her teammates. and regardless of what we, the audience, feel about his rant, to RUBY hes right; it IS all about her. the weight of the world is on her shoulders and she thinks shes fucking everything up and jaune just validated those feelings of failure, albeit unintentionally, given his own debilitated mental state

(i dont think i precisely agree the the paper pleasers were hostage but to be fair i think the whole paper pleaser thing was stupid in general bc when they ascend... they just have the same purpose? theyre just made of like gemstones instead of folded paper which isnt much of an improvement in the destructability scale tbh lol i see the paper pleasers as more metaphorical in a meta sense but then again i watched all of v9 blitzed out of my gourd so im not an expert and also everyone is entitled to their own interpretations lol)

sorry for just sort of going off and away from the main point of ur ask which was about the warped dynamic of yang and ruby; like i said, ever issue spirals back and around to twelve other problems and v9 is TERRIBLE WITH IT. v9 is just so WEIRD and not in a cool interesting way but in a... filler ooc way. it confuses my brain the way a tangled strand of a fine delicate necklace compels me; it looks interesting and sometimes i make a breakthrough but mostly its just tangled up in a weird knot that only seems to get worse the more i try and unravel it

#thanks for the ask! #rwde #v9 spoilers #i could literally ramble forever about the failures of rwby.

[nerves-nebula]

Ah~ I misunderstood. Most of my recipes are "depression recipes", and I thought the issue was not having the energy or now-how to make a good variety of "easy to make food", not "easy to eat food" if someone is sensitive to flavors and/or textures. Most of my pasta recipes are, like, "cook all ingredients in one pot" or "put all the ingredients in a blender and then pour it over cooked pasta" types. The stir fry's are also generally "cook frozen veggies, make 3-4 ingredient sauce, and serve over rice".

no lmao. ive got diagnosed ARFID. i mean i've also struggle with having no energy to make food cause i got so used to starving that it just doesnt seem worth it a lot of the time. but also i have food sensory issues that, for some reason, make basically everyone REALLY DESPERATE TO force me to eat things I don't like.

honestly I'd probably be more open to trying new foods if I didn't have so many memories of someone insisting i try something and then me caving in after like 30 minutes of badgering, and then crying because it tastes bad/feels bad/makes me wanna throw up immediately, and my bodily autonomy has once again been violated.

which is to say that yeah my main issue these days isnt not having the energy it's just, not enjoying food in general.

#nnstuff #ask #arfid

[halflifedecay]

Depressive rant about game art jobs then divulging into health anxiety. more under the cut. feel free to disregard

Depressive and negative thought: sometimes I don't think I'm cut out for professional game art.. most concept art job apps almost always say "lead" or "senior". If they don't, they require 5 or more years of experience with a shipped game under your belt. They expect you to be a wizard of 2D and 3D tools. There is just so much to learn to be an employable concept artist these days with so little time left over after working to simply give myself a few dollars. It feels almost unattainable unless I get incredibly lucky and land a gig. i just wanna draw and more importantly, learn and grow.

I have to preface that i am incredibly fortunate to live with my partner who does support my career as well as financially. I do realize i have the luxury to focus on my work even if it means it does make me much, so long as i continue to work on it. but even with luxury of time, it still a struggle to make quality portfolio work while juggling a million otherprojects and personal things.

My parents still call me on the phone asking if I've been looking for jobs, I do but these job apps are dreadful as I've mentioned. I think why bother when I don't qualify based on these requirements.

Sometimes I wish I can just do my silly little drawings for myself, and do part time jobs, but I learned the hard way, that life is not for me. I did it and I was miserable, i worked 30 hrs a week and i barely had the time or energy to give to art. i feel behind enough as it is being 27 with no job prospects I don't really possess any other discernible skills to apply to a different job. I've made and accepted the choice of making art my job, and that means i may not want to do art all the time bc i am not 100% confident in my skills all the time. im working on being more confident so i can hit the ground running on what i need to do. I can't give up, I love art and I've put so much time, passion and thought into my craft.

Aside from getting a job that allows me to do something I love, I get a salary with, hopefully, good health insurance. I don't know if this is the state of US healthcare now, but in my area, its hard to find a PCP who isn't booked into the next year, and then the first one you get an appt for, cancels on you literally 10 mintes before the scheduled time. and so ive had to wait a couple extra weeks. My health anxiety lightening up leans on doctors to tell me i am infact, not dying, and no, i dont have a tumor bc my lungs and muscles feel funny sometimes. I catatophise about my health so much, im in this vicious cycle of random symptom occuring > becoming anxious > new symptom occurs or becomes worse bc of anxiety > sometimes these symptoms go away on their own > they dont > anxiety ensues. so these past few weeks, i occassionally get this voice that tells me im gonna die bc i am not 100% okay, just waiting for the day i can see my PCP and be told whats up. this isnt the first time this has happened, and when i do get checked out, it is something pretty normal and managable. i really want to see this PCP next week, have it be not much of anything, laugh it off, and just go back to drawing in peace and heal.

but for now i have to sit with that anxiety, and think, why do i feel this way. for starters, i started with my mother being anti-vax, im not going to even get into that now, then covid; fear that i got it at some point and i didn't know it (i never had loss of taste and smell, but did get sick a few times, and my rapid and pcr tests were negative). what if i did get covid and i am experiencing long covid? hence why i have random symptoms all the time? that amougst getting older and generally being pretty uneducated about what happens to your body after 25! i eat well, i stretch, i go outside and walk, yea i could absolutely exercise more, my mental is pretty good, i have a loving and supporting partner and family, i make art for a living, im still young, breathing and still making shit, why can't i get rid of this anxiety that im in terrible health.

that is all, any more and then i start worrying about it not being rambly, fixing errors, not the point here, just want to vent.

thanks for reading.

#venting #personal

[yourlocalhomotrash]

hello peeps, welcome to my roleplay blog! some people may know me from my main account @loverofmarsss

stuff you should know if you'd like to roleplay with me:

i do fandom roleplays along with fandomless roleplays. either one is fine with me :))

please, for the love of anything holy, DO NOT BE UNDER 16. as a legal adult, I'm not really comfortable with roleplaying with anyone under 16. I don't want legal trouble, luvs 😂

my fandoms are: harry potter (next gen, golden trio, marauders, one more I can't remember the name of), criminal minds, stranger things, marvel, dc titans, outerbanks, school spirits, chilling adventures of sabrina, deadly class, hsmtmts, spiderverse, teen wolf.

I absolutely LOVE doing AUs. My personal favorites are zombie apocalypse and celebrity AUs!

I AM DISABLED. my adhd, anxiety, and depression come from ONE disability called FAS, also known as fetal alcohol syndrome. some of the things with my disability may affect how fast I reply. if I don't respond within a day or two, feel free to send me a reminder!

don't be a dick. i don't roleplay with people who don't show basic kindness and respect.

i am in the central timezone. if this may affect you, let me know and i can try to work something out with you!

i don't have many triggers. as long as you don't do heavy gore or rp sa/rape, then I'm good. but please, do NOT roleplay cheating with me. as someone who has been frequently cheated on, it's a very big discomfort of mine.

as far as ships go, I'm only really comfortable with bxg as that's what I grew up around. no, this doesn't mean I'm homophobic or transphobic. i am completely okay with however you identify (as long as it isnt MAP.). as a queer demigirl living by texas of all places, i understand the struggle of feeling a bit out of place with some stuff.

talk to me! i absolutely love making new friend! feel free to vent to me if you'd like. just please don't use me as a therapist 😭

plot with me— i can come up with plots, but if you have any ideas or questions, let me know! id be happy to hear from you!! :))

and with that, luvs, feel free to message me here if you're interested and I'll give you my username on my preferred platforms! <333

#roleplay #oc #original character #meet me

[petscrub]

I feel so so lost, if anyone could offer advice i’d appreciate it ♥️

So i currently live in brooklyn but im really struggling to make rent every month. I have a job plus some side jobs going on as well. I could get another job but id really rather not bc i like my free time for rest as well as my art. I live in a really shitty area, have lots of apartment issues and rent is going up each year. (Also its a one bedroom, but i really need a two bedroom for me and my partner. We are separated but still want to live with each other..) we can’t afford to move to a cheaper part of brooklyn, or the bronx, or jersey. Our lease isnt up til May so we could potentially have the money come May but honestly i doubt it unless something drastic changes. Otherwise, the cost of moving would just be too much for us.

My parents, on the other hand, live in california still and are constantly pushing me to come back home. I wouldnt have to pay rent, i’d get a dog (they are bribing me with that), i’d have lots of time to work on my art, i could maybe go back to school if i want, and i wouldn’t be struggling with money, i could save and make money from my side jobs such as my tshirts etc. i was talking to my mom this morning and she kept pushing for me to move home.

Now, i have bpd so its extremely hard for me to make decisions based off of what i want. Im easily influenced by others thoughts and opinions. But right now, im so confused, i feel a pull towards california bc of the benefits i would have, i’d be able to get more education and save money. Currently i think my schedule wouldnt allow me to go back to school, if i wanted to, and also im barely making rent… we pay it late each month.

I really, really love new york. When im not talking to my parents, i dont really think about moving back to california. Sometimes it feels like if i did, i would feel completely defeated by life. I dont feel as if i take advantage of new york enough. Everything i do here could pretty much be done in california, bc i dont do much. Plus my family lives relatively close to LA, although LA sucks pretty bad.

Ultimately i think if i did move back to california i would eventually, when im more established and have the means, move back to nyc. Its where my heart is, but right now is such a difficult time that i just dont know how to keep going like this. Unless, like i said, something drastic changes and i get a great job or something.

I think in california i personally believe there are also better schooling options. Although i dont even know if i’d go back to school. Maybe just take classes here and there. I really just wanna be working on the things i love and bettering myself without the stress of money and rent.

However; my partner has noticed this and so have i, when i live with my family im almost miserable. They are very different than i am, live different lifestyles, and usually make me feel pretty terrible about myself lol. I’d have to deal with all that bullshit, and the possibility of my depression worsening. Especially when i feel like i am in a state where my mental health is getting a lot better.

I dont know what to do guys. I have my lease up in may so its awhile away. But this is something that has been on my mind so much lately. I feel utterly lost and confused.

[christopher-evans-art]

Welcome Life

This poem has been part of my life since I started doing a post graduate course in Mindfulness in 2020 to my teaching modules for resilience training. I think about this poem a lot and the wisdom it holds, as so many layers to it.

Sometimes I have an insight about something which happened to me in my past especially the betrayal and the pain which followed and think how much better my life is better now. I think about the lessons I have learned from it and how I have changed. How many times have things happen in life which at the time feel disastrous and we will never get over become a blessing ?

Everyday I struggle with my mental health and I am happier now in awareness of it being there and not just accepting it conditionally but wholeheartedly making it my friend , a guest which is welcome. It comes and goes by itself and it isnt for sure pretty when its here but there is a space for it. I now experience it as guide , my life mentor and companion. It is telling me to be graceful with life ups and downs.

Today when talking to my barber , and my barber can talk . Once in my life I would have let the irritation of not being able to get a word in edge way affect me. Now , although I feel irritated within me as those attachments of needed to be heard still exist on the other side of that is something really cool. I have managed to animate the barbers enthusiasm and passion to open up a talk about real things in life. I listened with care. Learning to be with our feelings rather than reacting to them is part of this poem. When we stop reacting and start listening with grace, contains so much healing and evolvement.

I was reminded of the poem ( this is why it is my journal today) as all in one day this week my car is beyond repair , my boiler broke down and kitchen tap broke. It reminds me that things happen , a joy , a depression and meanness or unfairness of stuff in our life. It reminds me that it is only stuff , there is no meaning in it , there is no hatred from the universe , there is no identity of being unlucky : it is just stuff. The resilience , and often as it is perhaps begins with being angry is seeing the blue sky and making it right. Yes , I had not financially planned on replacing the car and it is a bit painful . A different context of finance it would have been , OK , but I get a new to me car. My attachments to holding on with micro control my finances caused the pain , not the car breaking down.

There was joy in these moments too. People wanted to help me to a point that even the loveliest of ladies and friend who works in the local cafe offered use of her car.

When we stop reacting to things and filling up our minds up with repetitive negative thinking we can look and listen and find some clarity. Sometimes grim unplanned events can bring delight in different ways. You still have a problem but you have choice in how to approach the problem and it does not change anything beating yourself up when what you really need is clarity.

#building resilience #resilience #mental health #life journey #life philosophy

[goremet-chef]

me feeling guilty for not saving someone in my dream like i

if i knew what was going on i wouldve got him im so sorry man if it happened too fast and i shouldve known i shouldve called out or grabbed him but i just panicked and ran and he fucking died because of me

i know i shouldnt be so upset, it was only a dream, but

my dreams are very vivid, and it doesnt help that like. when im stressed, i dissociate, and my brain tends to wander to the worst possible scenario, and itll stick. i find it really really hard to pull myself out of it because to me, what happens in my head seems just as real, maybe even MORE real than what happens irl

so even if its been hours since the stressful event, i might still be just as stressed (maybe even more stressed) because im stuck in a "what if" scenario that will play itself out fully and its hard to shake it off

that happened in my dream, something bad happened at our highschool and even after i escaped and ran to my friends house, i was in her house and crying and begging for her help because i could still hear the screams and shit even though i was far away and safe

i think THATS what really fucked with me, my brain playing off of my own trauma response and applying it to my dreams just made it so real, cuz yeah i am stuck in horrible events typically, any time they happen im stuck there even after they end, stuck in a spiral of what couldve happened if things got worse you feel me?

even after im awake and its been several hours i still feel that same dread, its making it hard to breathe

the worst part? the dream was so good at first. i was friends with a youtuber i watch and we went to school together and i sat with his friends on the first day cuz he invited me and they were accepting of me being trans and i fit right in immediately as one of the guys. i was so happy man. it felt so fucking good to just be seen as i am, for someone to be EXCITED to know me, even if i was new

its something i struggle with constantly, i just never really fit in no matter where i go. even when i make friends, and things seem to be going great, ill second guess myself and step away. ill perceive rejection where there isnt any and ill assume they dont want me around, etc. its a never ending cycle of me being unable to keep anything good, its so.

AGGRAVATING it suck ass. sometimes its not even me! i know i say this a lot but i mean it genuinely when i say that normal people find me offputting and weird immediately. there is no second guessing, there is no oh maybe ill get to know him, NO. i freak people out with my mannerisms alone, and its really sad. i didnt have hardly any friends in highschool since i moved from my hometown to go, i made a total of 4 over the course of 3 years, and of those 4, 3 moved away. my last year was the saddest loneliest thing ever, all my teachers thought i was depressed and thought i wanted to kill myself so they were all nice to me and checking on me. it was so humiliating? to be so isolated that people NOTICE yr isolated

nevermind when i started hallucinating, that was soo great 😁 really loved that era /s

my life has been drowned out with such a profound loneliness that i dont even know where to start to combat it. it hurts my heart to think about it. to think about the jealousy and embarrassment i felt for the longest time when i realized my closest friends, my ONLY friends, had friends outside of me. that no matter what, even in a group as weird as us, id be the weirdest and i wouldnt be as charming as them, i couldnt keep a conversation like them and so all i had was them

now i do have other friends, but its still.. i dont know how to talk. and i know i make posts like this every once and a while but i guess im just? im a very low maintenance friend i guess. if we're friends, i will always like you. if we dont fall out in some sort of way, i will always hold you close to my heart. even if we dont talk much, i still love you

i dont really know how to like? ENGAGE i struggle with engaging. im alone all the time so i just talk about myself and my things in my own channel, i live through my characters most of my day. i feel like i might be a bad friend? as much as i like to insist i can handle someone and i know what its like to feel rejection and shit cuz of bpd, i think im still not good. i dont know how to engage with someone, i wanna have a meaningful conversation but if its not about my stuff, im bad at responding. i care!! i swear i do, i just dont know how to make that super clear, cant ask questions cant do any of that i just try to make it clear that i want to hear more yknow? i guess im just used to talking nonstop to myself so i just figure thats how other people like to have conversations too, but i think im wrong

idk it sucks. my heart is heavy today. im gonna try and draw cuz i want to but theres just so many things. im stressed, is all

[quillquencher]

Sugar, Spices, and Empathetic Vices - a song interpretation essay by Judacious Mars

(Warning: addiction, depressing topics, letting people go)

So I linked the song in case someone coming across this post had no idea what I was talking about, but Pepper, right? Usually with songs like this theres no definite meaning so obviously take this with a grain of salt, but what if its about empathy?

Some people have theorized that its about drugs and sex, which honestly could be true, but the way its worded in the lyrics just SCREAMS empathy to me. Maybe it’s just because I’ve had similar experiences that the song talks about, but I thought about it a little more as I belted out the lyrics in my car, and concluded that maybe it is!

If it truly is about drugs/addiction, then I think the wording is from the pov of someone who holds someone close that has addiction problems, and is struggling with the idea of “I shouldn’t feel bad for them but I do.”

“They were drinking from a fountain that was pouring like an avalanche coming down the mountain.”

Catchy, classic, beautiful. Could mean how easy it is to get drugs and to get hooked (it isnt super easy but addiction is an epidemic for a reason)

But what if the fountain means the person’s forever flowing faucet of empathy? “They were all in love with dying” could be an apathetic response that may sound like “Why the f*ck would you do that? Do you have a death wish?” in real life. I say apathetic loosely because even if we yell at them its only because we care, not because we hate them.

Sometimes when you’re as empathetic as I am and it starts to take its toll on you, you have to let people go. I’m 100% sure we’ve all been there. We’ve all had a situation where we had to let someone go. No one stays with all of the same people their entire life. They meet new ones, they lose old ones. Its the way of life, just like death. Which is why I think the chorus absolutely represents that feeling of “I hate to let you go but I had to do it.”

“I don’t mind the sun sometimes, the images it shows.”

Think of the last time you had to let someone go. Do the memories you had with that person still creep up in your mind? Does it only take one simple event to happen for your eyes to well up with tears as you painfully remember what they were like before you had to let them go? Sometimes when I close my eyes and feel the sun beam on my face I think about my ex and how we celebrated their birthday by sword fighting in my backyard. It doesn’t make me cry anymore, but it still stings sometimes.

“I can taste you on my lips and smell you on my clothes.”

Another lyric representing how hard it is to have memories of a person you lost. You can take the person out of your life but it takes much longer to get them out of your brain and heart for good. You may have items left over from when you still had an established relationship with that person, whether it be family, friends, lovers, you name it. Sweaters, jewelry, some gag gift they got you for your birthday, whatever it may be. Even if you don’t, there was probably an interaction or a ritual you had that involved that person. Something that when you think of it makes you go “I wish we could go back.” But that’s the thing, you can’t. So now they’re out of your life and you’re left behind, still thinking about the times they were there with you.

“Cinnamon and sugary and softly spoken lies”

Have you ever begged a person to be better? Sat with them for long periods of time pleading with them to be better people? Maybe you just found out they stole money from you or a mutual friend to buy more addiction enablers. Whatever it may be. Usually if the person wants you to stay, whether it be for nefarious reasons or for sincere reasons, the sentence you usually wanna hear is “I’ll get better.”

The sad part is, that’s not always the end of it. It’s not the magic wand that makes all the hurt and pain go away. Sometimes people lie. That doesn’t always make them bad people. Sometimes your brain won’t allow you to think they’re bad people, and that’s okay. Cause really they aren’t, they are just people plagued with a bad illness. But even though sometimes we know they’re lying, the idea of them acknowledging they have a problem and promising to get better, it’s a sweet idea. You just hope they’ll follow through.

“You never know just how you look through other people’s eyes.”

Everyone has their side to every story. Most of the time, no two sides are the same. You see a person who very much needs help, who desperately needs to get their life together. But other judgmental people may see a person who keeps giving, and a bad person who keeps taking. Neither side is correct or incorrect. As it is with every other story. I think this lyric represents the pov of someone who all in all knows other people may see their constant forgiveness as a weakness, but they know they can’t satisfy everyone in their life, and thats why they struggle with empathy.

Feeling sorry for an addiction victim is not a bad thing. Putting yourself in their shoes, giving second chances, it’s not a bad thing to do at all. The only question you should ask yourself after you realize they have no intentions of changing, is “How much can I handle before it really takes it’s toll on me?”

I ask myself this question once every three months. Every three months is usually how frequent big things in my life change, like social relationships and career choices. Some people change at slower frequencies, some people even faster. Change is constant. But it feels different for everyone.

I conclude this essay by theorizing that the storytelling of the different people dying is the pov of the empathetic person describing what’s happening with their affected person and their friends. Maybe these were mutual friends, and this person watched all of them die because of the horrific epidemic that is addiction. They don’t want to see the person theyre talking about leave or die. Maybe the person theyre talking about already died, or is dead to them.

Those are my thoughts. I love this song so much, it’s helping me a lot through my own hardships in my life. I hope this brings comfort or at least understanding about where I come from.

Thank you for reading if you got this far. I appreciate it so much!

- JM

#queer writers #poetry #women writers #writing #write #feminism #women empowerment #addiction #addiction recovery #recovery #addiction rehab #rehab center #pepper #the butthole surfers #essay #song essay #song interpretation #Spotify

[thewaywardbruja]

~ Thoughts In My Head ~

So I've got a lot going on in my head, none of it is particularly good, but I just wanted to type it out here because I need to get it out somehow.

I'm struggling a bit, with my mental health, this week, is a hard week for me, and I just dont know how to express how I'm feeling aside from crying.

Friday, marks - One Year since my Grandma was taken from me, and I know its only Monday, but I'm already counting down the days, I'm dreading it. We're away thankfully, at a car show but it doesnt make it any easier. I'm really struggling with my grief, and trying to hold it together.

I've also come down with something / my body is fighting something off, and I am the most tired, and exhausted I have ever been in my life and hardly have the strength to do anything. I have to keep forcing myself to do stuff, and then just want to sleep afterwards, its doing my head in literally. I dont feel like myself and the brain fog is really starting to get to me.

Its so bad that I ran my car into a brick wall two days ago, and I would never do that normally. Work has been extremely difficult, and standing in one place, and doing the same thing over, and over is just really starting to grind away at me. I've been thinking, and looking for another job, something different, and there just isnt anything around where we live.

I'm currently waiting for the results of my Lvl 1 Math test, hoping beyond hope that I managed to pass, but I doubt I did, I struggled so much with it, and the first time wasnt much better.

So, that means I'll be in another Lvl 1 class, for another 12 weeks, and ugh. My English GCSE's are coming up rapidly as well and I have no idea how I'm going to do on those either. I just know if I fail that as well, then I dont know what I'll do but the prospect of me joining the police this year is slowly slipping out of my fingers.

I mean my Leave to Remain Visa getting approved was good news, but its just been so over-shadowed by the anniversary coming up and me being sick that I havent really had much time to let it sink in and celebrate.

I hope soon I will start to feel better, and things will turn around but I'm not holding out much hope.

--

In other news, my witchcraft is taking off, I've had so many wonderful experiences - which have mostly been uploaded to my tiktok, that I am feeling so blessed and just wonderful about where my practice is taking me.

I found out that what was a Crow spirit, was actually Fenrir trying to communicate with me, and after using divination to talk to him, it felt wonderful to know that I now have two wolves at my side <3

I'm taking - this whole thing with Fenrir really slowly, and just letting it happen in its own time. He still makes me nervous. I asked him if we could have a spirit guide relationship - because I promised myself I would never bow down to no God again, ever - a long time ago. He said "Yes" <3 That made me feel a lot better as well.

White and I have been getting closer, and our bond has been getting stronger. After my amazing and wonderful reading I had the other day, I just feel so great, and liberated about everything I have been experiencing and feeling. <3

I cant wait to see what the future holds for me within Witchcraft. Its been so amazing, so far.

Friday marks one year since I found my path, and my practice and I wouldnt change it for anything <3 Its been such an amazing journey thus far <3 I have made so many amazing friends within the Witchcraft community as well, Jade, Sapphire, Josephine, ShyTyger (Char), Shay, Aphrodite, Jasmine, Naamah - just to name a few <3 You guys all rock and are so amazing, and I am so blessed to have you all in my life <3

So yeah. I dunno, just got a lot on my mind, and trying to make sense of all of it. I blame whatever is making my brain so foggy, its messing with my emotions and making me depressed as hell too. Yay Depression.

Hopefully things will start to get better, I'm trying to be an optimist about this... ( Bastille Joke... hah )

So yeah, I'll see you around <3

[katnine]

Casually Insane #1 What's your diagnonsense?

Hello and welcome to the Casually Insane series. My name is Kat. The Casually Insane series is all based on mental health.

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Before I begin I want to make it very clear that I am not a doctor. I am just speaking from my personal experience.

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Part 1. What’s your diagnonsense?

With mental health, your condtion is explained with symptoms and groups of symptoms give you a diagnosis.

However a diganosis is like a double edged sword. It can be both helpful and harmful. There are even times where you can be misdiagnosed.

There are tons of disorders out there. Ones for mood, personality, eating, and many more.

Here’s how a diagnosis is helpful. Being diagnoised can lead you to be put on the correct medications and also allow you to find memoirs to read of people who have the same diagnosis. The label can also help you explain to others about what you experience.

A misdiagnosis can lead you to your symptoms getting worse. You could be put on the wrong medication. Your progress in therapy could possibly decline if you’re not focused on the correct topics.

A diagnosis in general is just a label. However now a days having a label will allow you to find others like you. Keep in mind that your diagnosis or label doesn’t limit you. Just because you have a mental health problem doesn’t mean you can’t live your life.

In my personal experience…

I have been struggling with my mental health since I was sixteen. Which means I've been dealing with mental illness for over a decade.

Through out the years I’ve seen many doctors and gotten various diagnoses. Since I went through being put on all these different labels I have come to the conclusion that a diagnosis is just diagnonsense. With a label the doctor knows what symptoms to look out for. However it can sometimes lead a person into further dread. If you find out that your condition is permanent, you might lose hope.

I want to be real with you. I won't waste your time on talking about past diagnoses. However My current diagnosis or labels are bipolar disorder and PTSD. I'm also currently recovered from an eating disorder.

I've dealt with depression, anxiety, mania, and extreme mood swings frequently. I know alot of people deal with these kinds of things and I want to help. I'm not a doctor. I'm not licensed. But I know there are a lot of people out there that can't afford to go see a doctor or are too scared to see one. It's okay and it happens to everyone.

Whatever label you have, it's best to watch your symptoms and see what triggers them. Finding a trigger can be difficult so don't get too upset if you can't figure it out right away. There are times when I don't realize the trigger for one of my episodes until several days after the episode ended.

You will also come across the issue of trying to Google what you have. Self diganosis isnt ideal. Simply because your symptoms can match multiple disorders and it might make it harder to find out the actual disorder you have. However in my personal experience, going on Google isn't completely bad. Sometimes you need to figure out what's approximately going on. For instance you might find three disorders that match your symptoms but at least you've narrowed it down to three.

The ultimate guide that doctors use to figure out a diganosis is called the DSM-5: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. With the number changing with each new edition.

I would say track your symptoms to see how often they occur. Keeping a journal or even just a Google document will allow you to be able to read back through your episodes and find explanations. Now I have to be honest I might have thousands of empty notebooks but when I force myself to write daily it just makes me miserable. I wouldn't force it. If it's not the method you want use. However for an example if you think you might have a mood disorder then maybe you could write down once a week if your mood shifted and how fast the shift occurred. Start out simple if you want to. An example being say you're at the end of the week and you want to write down your moods then you could say I was happy 3 out of 7 days this week or such.

Just remember a diagnosis doesn't force you into a lifestyle. For instance you may suffer from terrible mood swings but still get a college degree or become a manager at your job. It's still possible to have and see success.

Well, I've ranted enough for today. I hope you are all doing well. Until next time, I'm Kat and this has been Casually Insane.

#mental health #mental health advocate #bipolar

[firemama]

i like watching xiaomanyc on youtube because im so fucking fascinated not only by other cultures but just generally other languages, and also how fucking FLEXIBLE he i with his own language learning?

(Like, I have been learning spanish for 5 years and have been constantly immersed in various spanish groups here in florida and yet i fucking struggle to retain almost anything despite formal lessons and learning and losing so many words that all my knowledge is at this point unbearably vague now. so it shakes me to my core that this guy can take a couple weeks and be loosely conversational in the tamil language which is notoriously difficult for learners and can just swap up multiple chinese language variants at the drop of a hat)

but anyway the thing i wanted to mumble about is how sureal it is to watch these videos, because you see this guy speak to someone in Fujianese and that person is thrilled, or how sweet someone is about how he can adjust his accent OR just kinda likes his naturally formed one (from having switched around so many lanaguages). Like, he goes to indian resteraunts with his couple-weeks-old language skills and i presume hes not perfect or amazing but they are none the less so delighted so see him trying and testing new words he hears them use.

And english just...... is not fucking like that. If you’re learning english you will run into the meanest, nastiest people. Even if your english is good, but you have a persistent accent, there are fucking trash-ass-people who will snear about that, as if this person isnt LEARNING or HAS LEARNED a completely different means of communication.

Again, my language learning skills are fucking atrocious, and despite years trying to learn sign or spanish, i am fucking awful. But i remember being a kid in tiny orange grove town where roughly 90% of the population was almost strictly hispanic and all the kids i knew from my own town were still 3 out of 5 on the fluency scale. Those kids i knew who were going to the same school would stop dead in sentences after realizing they didnt know a word and would rather be caught dead than mispeaking around some of the fucking freaks in out classes who would raise hell about ‘speaking english in america’ or that one fucked up math teacher i had in 7th grade that would send students to detention for speaking to eachother in spanish or vietnamese (which was really common in a small area of town).

My language skills have always been shoty (even with english at times, which is arguably my first language) and i definitely could not be a comprensive translator for my friends who were struggling in spanish, but i vaugely remember being the go-to for a small group of kids who desperately needed to slueth out a word they couldnt remember / needed to learn because I was the only kid in our general group that would tolerate the game of charades it took to find out who needed to know what and offer an english word. Lord help them if they needed to know how to write it, because my writing and spelling to this day in english are still awful.

And like... it fucking sucks? it fucking SUCKS that, firstly, I was the only kid they could ask- heavens help someone asking a fucking TEACHER to teach them for fear of mistreatment. But also it sucks that they had to rely on ME at all, because communication let alone language is not my fortei, ive learned more words from reading than ive spoken or heard from other humans in my own fucking native tongue. It’s depressing as hell that kids had to rely on someone who’s gone to speach and language therapy to learn parts of a language just because English speakers have this bizarre cultural disgust with nonfluency and we dont teach our fucking kids how to learn languages, or any languages at all- not even our own fucking english american sign language which is ARGUABLY just the same language spoken another way!

Summary: SHUT THE FUCK UP, top scowling at people who arent fluent, and teach kids about languages. And if your a teacher: ill fucking KILL YOU if you discourage kids to stop speaking their natural tongue or to speak the language YOU want them to.

#munchatter #listen i have an extremely complicated relationship with language #and i also have a lot of feelings about it

[princeanxious]

An idea I’m drawing stuff for:

Okay so g/t sanders sides au idea but where the tiny people are actually mini android/cyborgs made to accompany people /if they want to/ as companions to humans that can connect to technology and the internet. (Medium-big sized ramble under-cut)

They arent nessesarily helpers, but they can help humans w/ technology issues if they want(and there are lots of human laws in place that prohibit forced labor and captivity from this new sentient race, but as you might guess, just bc there are laws doesnt mean everyone follows them or gets caught breaking them) the rest of the world is kinda up for development but i can tell you these tiny android people sometimes come with additional features such as tails w/ audio jacks/place where the tail would go to insert an audiojack, eyes and fingers that glow, ear type varients depending on what time they were born/created, have as many bendable joints as a human, but their legs and feet are naturally a bit thicker/wider both for balance and more room for technology in their tiny bodies.

Theyre a very intermingled mix of liveform and android(and are probably best explained as just. Straight up aliens to planet earth), to the point that theres no actual way to seperate tech from bio-matter. And theyre so tiny that trying to seperate the two on such a small scale is still scientifically impossible at this current time. Damage and wear/tear to their body can heal quickly with enough energy, rest, and time, but losing body parts can be nearly detrimental to their health if said parts cant be reattached quickly. They are not strong enough to regenerate a full limb.

It’s not an immediate death if they lose a limb, but its very much an emergency due to how spread out their bodily function sensors are in their tiny bodies. Losing a certain leg can mean losing complete mobility of both legs and balance, or losing certain patches of memory, losing a certain arm can mean losing the ability to balnce well, or go nearly sensory blind(meaning they can see things, but no longer feel them that well.) the tail is the only bodypart that is not immediately detrimental to their health, just their lifestyle. Their tail is their only way to directly connect to the online world without assistance. Without it, they rely on adapter prostetics that wear out over time and need to be replaced on occassion.

That being said, in this au, Roman, Remus, and Janus are tinies in this world. Roman and Remus are twins, and both suffered an injustice of experimentation that involved one of their legs each being removed, and being reattached(successfully) to the other’s body, as a test to see how similar twin tiny’s bodies are and if the similarities assist any in surrogate limbs attaching successfully. Theyre rescued and rehabilitated amd rehomed together before anything more was done to them, but they live life knowing they have eachothers leg and function as if said legs are really their own, and it connects them in a very odd way that they cant really explain.(it comes w/ a bonus of being able to send messages to one another, but a con of being able to see a portion of the other’s memories, be it mental, or physical muscle memory)

They live with a group of humans, Logan, Patton, and Virgil, who are aware of their situation and have welcomed them into their home to live normal tiny lives. Patton and Virgil are brothers, and Logan is their childhood bestfriend. Remus tends to travel w/ Logan the most bc Logan isnt bothered by Remus’s constant hyperfixations on dark and grusome things.(they hold alot of convos abt dark literature and anatomy, and astronomy. Remus finds Logan’s voice soothing on his semi-irratic stream of thoughts, and talking abt astonomy helps sooth Remus to sleep the fastest.) Roman clings to Virgil mostly but passes inbetween Virgil and Patton pretty frequently depending on whose at work. (Virgil and Roman bicker about everything under the sun, but it’s still healthy for them. Virgil keeps Roman’s ego in check and Roman helps Virgil gain more confidence in things, especially things in public.)

Janus is.. well, he was born.. defective, in a way. No ones really sure exactly what happened, if there were dificulties in his development, or if his existance was fused semi-incorrectly with another while in the preverbial womb, but he is born with his body being partially down the middle on one side with another set of tiny genetics, leaving 1/4th of his body from one side of the head to just below the same side’s ribs to be a different skin & metal plating color. One eye glows gold, the other a bright milky white, the same going for either hand w/ his finger-tips on the same sides. Pure snow white skin, plating, and hair is unnatural, and its theorized to be a permanent glitch in his physical coding seeing as the ‘other tiny’ that had yet to combine correctly would not have developed any physical traits until birth to mimick a combination of it’s parents, it’s physical attribute coding would remain dormant and thus not addapt with the rest of the body.

This leaves Janus visually different, and physically different. He has his own two legs and tail so that part of his body functions normally, but the arm that is inter-functionally dormant leaves him with terrible balance issues(thus leaving him to require a cane) and his on the same side that is similarly dormant leaves him functionally blind in said eye and deaf on said side.

He’s developed an extremely defensive personality because he refuses to be pitied for something he was never in control of. He’s plenty independent without help and beyond grouchy. Has been known to bite humans who try to help him but wont listen to him, hard. He’s never been allowed to live a normal tiny’s life because the parents he was born to gave him to humans to ensure he lived, then got retroactively babied since. His foul temper has lead to a difficulty in the homing process, and the humans are almost about to give up on him when Virgil walks in one day, curious about homing a third tiny to help stabalize the twins antics and frustrations born from there only being the two of them.

Janus is just as foul at first as he is to everyone who approaches him, because he fully expects pity. Instead of Virgil moving on in rejection/dismissal of the rude behavior, Virgil just chuckles in amusement. “Oh boy, you’re fiesty huh?” “Have to be, lest people think they can do and think whatever they want about me. Better to give them my worst so they don’t get any god-complex over my disability, right?” And Virgil relates, and isnt hesitant abt mentioning his own struggles w/ how rudely people treat him w/ his general anxiety disorder and chronic depression.

Virgil manages to convince Janus take a chance and come home w/ him. And then Janus meets Patton, and things go so much better than anyone expected them to go. I mean, they get worse before they get better, but the getting better is so much further than any resulted backtracking. Janus likes Patton, and is uber protective of him. No one knew Patton to bicker much, but oh boy, does he bicker with Janus, often abt taking care of one another. Its all out of love and care, and its honestly jarringly sweet. (Patton gets Janus hooked on chocolate chips, and may or may not bribe him with a bottle-lip full from time to time if it means making Janus relax.)

#sanders sides #tiny tech g/t au #sanders sides g/t #platonic intrulogical #platonic prinxiety #platonic moceit #all platonic bc idk how people feel abt g/t romance #luka writes #luka’s aus #tw long post #ask to tag

[strawhatboy]

Aang!

thank you for the ask 🥺💖 talk about my best boy is my favorite thing

• favorite think about them:

his kindness. aang is a force of nature but he always chooses to make people laugh and feel safe. hes a child and act like one. i just love him so so much 🥺

• least favorite thing about them:

my favorite characters have no flaws 😌

• favorite line:

“Will You Go Penguin Sledding With Me?” - thats probably my favorite line, and not only because of his future relationship with katara but for what aang means there. look, he's been trapped in the ice for like a hundred years and yes he is the avatar but he is also still a kid (and i can't stress this enough) so i think its sweet how he just ​doesnt want to let go of what it means to be a kid and show this to us before anything else.

"You know what the worst part of being born over a hundred years ago is? I miss all the friends I used to hang out with. Before the war started, I used to always visit my friend Kuzon. The two of us, we'd get in and out of so much trouble together. He was one of the best friends I ever had, and he was from the Fire Nation just like you. If we knew each other back then, do you think we could have been friends too?" - when aang decided to look at zuko, not as his enemy but as a person, was when zuko started to change. aang was the first person to show him kindness and saw him as more than a failure or a soldier. their friendship is so important to me 🥺

• brotp:

sokkaang my beloved *holds gently 🤲* they are so dumb whenever they are in the same room and good for them. we talk a lot about how aang showed to katara that she was still a kid and was allowed to have fun but he did the same to sokka. they travelled the world together, meet new people and lived so many adventures... before aang, sokka thought his world was made of pale snow and duties and silence but aang grabbed him by the hand and taught him about so many colors 🥰. im glad they met 🥺

• otp:

kataang. they. 💖

• random headcanon:

when appa died, aang got really depressed for a few months and no one saw him for a while. sometimes i think of how hard it was for him to say goodbye to one of his closest friends. the gaang of course was there for aang but it was a very lonely year to him. (sorry djdjs i have a few happy headcanons actually but i think this one is really special to me idk why)

• unpopular opinion

aang is not a loser??? hes cool and troublemaker and can dance (!!!) so just because he doesnt have dark hair, an insufferable personality and act like his dog just died 24/7 doesnt mean he isnt a badass

• song i associate with them:

everybody's changing by keane 🥺 i associate the song with aang struggling with his duties as the avatar and how everything changed to him so suddenly when he was forced to live in a world where everything he loved was gone.

• favorite picture of them:

​

#baby boy best boy favorite boy 🥺 i love my son sm #thank you so much for the ask 💞 #lovely mutuals #ask game

[yikesharringrove]

Steve waits a good week before telling billy he got diagnosed with depression. of course billy was the one who suggested therapy but it's still odd, saying it outloud. I'm TOTALLY not projecting when I say that obviously he grew up denying it, on bad days he couldnt tell himself 'oh I'm struggling cause I have depression' instead it was 'I'm struggling cause I'm stupid and no one loves me' so it's weird.. but good.. being able to confirm that maybe he isnt stupid and unlovable and maybe that's just what the now very real issue in his head was telling him. he has a very complicated relationship with his own mind.

“We need to have a talk.” Billy tried to keep his voice as light as possible.

It didn’t work though, based on the way Steve’s eyes went huge.

“Just about, I feel like something’s up. You’ve been weird for like, a few days, and I want to make sure you’re okay. That I, that I didn’t do anything.” Steve was chewing on his bottom lip. Billy reached out to softly pull it out from between his teeth with his thumb.

“I, uh, I went to the doctor on Monday.” Billy furrowed his brows.

Usually Steve was pretty up front with these things. Plus, when he was sick, he was all whiny and needy, making Billy take care of him.

Not that Billy didn’t love to o it but-

That’s not the point.

“Is there something wrong?”

“Well, I went because, because remember when I got that physical like, a month ago? Well my doctor recommended me to a, to another doctor. A specialist.” Billy’s heart was pounding against his ribs.

“Are you, is there something wrong?” Steve wasn’t looking him in the eye.

“It was a psychiatrist. He recommended me to a psychiatrist. Who has, uh, diagnosed me, with uh, with depression. With chronic depression.”

Billy had to sit down. He flopped in one of the mismatched chairs at their kitchen table.

He was expecting cancer, or something like that. Something tangible.

And this isn’t really news. Steve has had a certain, sadness to him as long as Billy’s known him.

But this is something that’s affecting Steve. In a big way, if he didn’t tell Billy about it.

“Okay.” Steve was staring at Billy’s right knee.

“Okay?”

“Well, I guess it makes sense.” Billy shrugged. “I’ve always kinda known, I think.”

“It’s weird I just, there’s this word, you know? Like there’s something. When I went in for my physical, I had that chart, with all the symptom stuff, and I just marked down everything, like, like weight and appetite changes, and, and fatigue, just like, stuff I thought was normal, and he was like how long have you felt these things? and I was all on and off since high school and he was like I think you have depression, and it just, I don’t even know how to feel about it.”

Billy didn’t either.

“Well, its a good thing? Like you said, there’s a word. And with a word comes help, and treatment.”

“It’s just fucking wild. Looking back on like, those days in high school when I just, couldn’t get out of bed, or the thought of having to talk to someone and fake being fine was just too much. It’s like, why didn’t I do my homework even though I knew failing an assignment was gonna make me freak out? It’s because I was depressed-or am depressed, I guess.”

“It explains your feelings for you.” Billy gets depression. He figures he’s dealt with it. Maybe not like Steve, with the same symptoms, but looking back on life in his father’s house, and the sheer hopelessness he felt most of the time, he figures that’s it.

“The doctor said it’s a medical condition. The chemicals in my brain are, are off. Which is why I can be happy in my life with you, but still be depressed, or-or, have happy moments, but not be fixed, you know?” Billy can picture Steve asking that.

“Yeah, that makes sense. And don’t worry, Baby. I’m not taking it personal.” Steve looked up at him, giving him a weak smile. “But, I mean, you know that I love you a lot, right? That I care about you?” Steve nodded vigorously. “Then, uh, why didn’t you tell me?” Steve shrugged.

“I was trying to process, I guess. I’ve always just kinda ragged on myself. Like I’d think that I’m having a hard time because I’m stupid, or I feel bad because I’m worthless. Stuff like that. That I’m unlovable.” Steve was back to staring at the floor. “And now, all those feelings, all the times I felt bad, or was struggling all of it, it was because of this. And even, even the ragging, like that was just my mis-chemicalled brain being, being fucking rude, if you ask me.”

Billy barked a laugh. It made Steve look up, made him smile.

“I’m not mad, just so you know. I can see how this would be a lot. I just love you. A whole lot.”

“I know.”

“And anytime your mis-chemicalled brain tries to tell you otherwise, I’m here to remind you.”

“I know that too.” Billy opened his arms.

Steve crossed the small kitchen to perch himself on Billy’s lap, sitting sideways with his head on his shoulder, Billy’s arms around him.

“So, what’s next?”

“Like you said, treatment. Therapy, I guess. They said maybe medication but I don’t really wanna be drugged out everyday.”

“I don’t know. It’s worth a try. And you won’t be drugged out. They’re jsut gonna help your brain be less mis-chemicalled.”

“I guess you’re right.”

“I’m always right.” Steve just hummed.

“I love you too.”

“Yeah, I know.”

#yikes writes #TW depression #steve harrington #billy hargrove #harringrove