#i never once fit in or was able to not be visibly autistic. that makes me stand out and get bullied and rejected from everything in life | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ocpdzim · 2 years

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so ok in deep space nine they HEAVILY code the genetically enhanced people as neurodivergent (imo they all read quite clearly as autistic coded like, specifically, but most of them also seem to have other neurodivergency going on on top of that) and on one hand it kind of really sucks and is one of the biggest fuckups in the show in terms of like. representation. bc it’s sometimes played for some sort of shitty comedy and also plays into the autistic savant stereotype which nobody likes.

however also with that big “THIS KINDA SUCKS” disclaimer out of the way , there’s also some other things about how it’s handled that i want to also discuss bc they’re either interesting or actually good or just fucking weird and the combination of “this is good” and “this sucks” and “what the absolute hell were they even trying to do here” has resulted in me not being able to stop thinking about it.

first of all the number one thing that i think is actually really good about it is the very blatant and obvious “we need neurodivergent doctors for neurodivergent people” subtext that i’m not even sure it’s accurate to call subtext, it may just be text. NEVER have i seen that as a message in any show, the closest i have seen are shows where there’s a neurodivergent doctor but the reason the show considers that great is that the doctor in question can come up with novel ideas for helping neurotypical patients with unrelated issues. but it is really important - we do need neurodivergent doctors!!!! it makes a MASSIVE difference in pretty much the exact way depicted in the episode - neurodivergent doctors treat neurodivergent patients like people and engage with them on their own level and can relate to them and understand what they’re going through. star trek really said “maybe some of these patients who are ~difficult cases~ aren’t actually difficult cases and don’t need some kind of novel special procedure or whatever, they just need someone to fucking respect them for once.” and it extended that compassionate and humanizing perspective to neurodivergent people who had extremely visible and debilitating symptoms. brilliant incredible ahead of its time i just wish that it wasn’t weighed down by other Problems In The Episode. and since i figure i ought to throw in my two cents, i think this is a valuable enough message that it makes up for the flaws of the episode overall even though they are so glaring.

second of all the other thing i think is Actually Really Good about it is bashir being neurodivergent already before augmentation (they pretty much explicitly state he had some sort of learning disability) and how his parents’ attempt to “fix” him was NOT a good parenting move but instead, even though it DID make him fit in more with society and “fix” his symptoms, was a massive violation of his personhood that severely damaged his sense of self and pretty much destroyed his relationship with his parents. they weren’t evil or hateful parents - they really did want what was best for their son - but because of their ableism they couldn’t understand that what he really needed was to be accepted and respected for who he was, and to have his needs accommodated, not to be changed. neurodivergent kids get put through traumatizing and harmful “therapies” by parents who really do love them and would never intentionally harm them just like this all the time in real life. i really liked that his parents were dealt with sympathetically and it was made clear that they really did mean well, but despite that, he didn’t have to accept any justifications for what they’d done and his father ended up facing real consequences for it and accepting that it had been wrong.

this is a continuation of the bit about bashir being neurodivergent already, but i felt it needed a paragraph break - the other thing about the way being augmented by his parents in an attempt to stop him from being neurodivergent impacted bashir as a character that worked really well is that it DIDN’T stop him from being neurodivergent, it stopped him from outwardly appearing neurodivergent super obviously. it’s made very clear that even though he doesn’t have the same symptoms he had as a child, he’s still neurodivergent and instead of freeing him from any kind of burden, the treatments he was subjected to have condemned him to a life of masking forever. once again this is something that is the actual goal of many “therapies” for developmentally disabled people (fuck you aba), AND it’s something that a lot of neurodivergent people end up self-enforcing even if they’ve never been through these abusive therapies. bashir has to hide his neurodivergency to avoid making others uncomfortable and to protect his career, and it takes a clear and painful toll on his wellbeing even though it allows him to become a successful doctor. he makes it very clear he’d have rather lived his life without being forced into this box in the first place, even though now that he’s in the box he doesn’t want to get back out of it since being his authentic self now, after all the years of hiding, would put everything he has at risk. a lot of us do grapple with that and i don’t often see it portrayed at all.

now onto stuff i cannot slot neatly into “this is great” or “this sucks.”

on an actual serious level it is not good but i personally find it extremely hilarious, like as a concept, that in the sci-fi future of star trek, they invented a procedure to give your kid autism and then banned it because it makes your kid smarter and stronger than all the other kids and maybe he’ll take over the world. i’m drafting my world domination plan right now as we speak so watch out, i will destroy the government with my autism beam attack.

i have a lot of mixed feelings about lauren. on one hand, the way she’s written is often very flat and sometimes kind of creepy, and i wish she was dealt with with more nuance and depth. on the other hand, having a character who is not only disabled but institutionalized and nevertheless presenting her as beautiful, sexy, and capable of wanting and having romantic and sexual interactions is kind of nice in the face of the rampant desexualization experienced by disabled people.

the federation’s broad anti-augment stance is interesting in a show that generally presents the federation as being over most other types of discrimination. i think it’s intended to be up for audience interpretation whether the federation policies about augments are good or bad. personally, i think that it’s FLAGRANTLY bad - it isn’t the choice of a child whether to be augmented! it certainly makes sense for the procedure to be illegal considering both the risk of it being used for eugenics and the nature of it as a horribly violating procedure, but the consequences should not fall on the genetically enhanced person, but rather on whoever did that to them. i wish we’d seen more pushback against the federation’s policies and more examination of what they meant for augmented people.

the treason plotline being connected to all this was baffling to me. i am not necessarily against it on a principle level - “neurodivergent people will engage in high stakes treason and espionage in order to solve the world’s most fucked trolley problem” is so silly that it isn’t really a message i’m worried about - but i felt like it wasted the potential of the episode to go in plenty of other, more impactful directions. i would’ve much rather seen it end with the augments and the federation coming up with a better arrangement for their treatment and living situation - either to integrate into mainstream society or to find a way to improve the way they’re treated at the institution so that they are respected, listened to, and have their needs met better. ideally i would’ve really liked if we saw them all end up with different solutions, like maybe some of them would want to leave the institution and make a life for themselves outside it but others would want to stay, but with more autonomy and respect within the institution.

#NOTE i havent finished watching the show. i am aware they come back in at least 1 more episode. i didnt see that one yet #so like. no idea what happens in it or how it impacts this analysis #deep space nine #deep space 9 #ds9 #star trek #julian bashir #AUGH THIS IS SO LONG. sorry guys <3 #i have lots to say lol #ableism mention -#you can reblog this if you want to. like it isnt a personal do not reblog post you know?#also yeah i have been watching star trek from the 90s #they took it off netflix and so i pirated it to watch the rest and i guess paramount has a whole team dedicated to tracking down star trek #pirates bc they IMMEDIATELY threatened to cut off my internet. joke's on them though. eat shit paramount i already downloaded it #so i do not need to continue downloading it anyway

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dreamtydraw · 1 year

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please talk to us about your ocs 💕💗💕💗💕

I am currently praying this post dosen't get eatean by tumblr because this is the third time i'm writting it ╭( ๐_๐)╮

First of all i want to thanks you guys for genuinly asking because i really didn't tought it would interest ppl as i am never sure, so once again, thanks you for asking ♡

Euhm euhm....

☆SYMBOLISM OF MY OUR LIFE MC☆

Nda : english is not my first language so i excuse myself in advance for possible typos.

Second nda : because this post is already long enough, Valentin is getting a separated post about her design.

Before starting the analysis there are informations that needs to be given first! When creating my mc I only had a summary of the game: for example, didn't know who Lizzie would be but chose my me to look similar to her by accident, making them looks even more like siblings.

Cerise name was chosen because I wanted her to have a name/appearance fruit inspired, choosing the French translation of Cherry as her name and a mandarine based design. Her last name ( fourth ) comes from the fact that every time I replayed the game I updated her last name to make it easier to differentiated my saves, the fourth run being my favorite. She doesn't have any specific ethnicity and her color palette was chosen to fit in the summer aesthetic, but also an autumn palette aesthetic.

The autumn colors are more present during stressful periods (end of high school, start of step 4) mainly because of the start of adulthood and leaving sunset bird.

Patterns usually associated with Cerise are fruits patern, dots, and ribbons. Cerise also has a very visible scar on her face (the backstory of the scar here) this scar is in the middle of her forehead, it's massive and one of the first features of her you can see, this is im portant for her character.

Now last important info before going on analysis step by step : Cerise was written as a nonverbal autistic child, this and other little details of mannerisms make her a very closeted person. Her character evolve with time, but through the shaping of it, her looks change too.

In step 1 Cerise only had her scar for a year now. She's scared of interacting with people and her prominent feature drowns too much attention into her, so she does what every 8 year old kid think is best; hide it.

Cerise's face is always covered with her hair. It's messy and nonpractical but showing her bareface is too much for her, the idea of people looking at her is just too scary for her.

She usually wears shift dresses because the loose fabric is comfortable and feels right.

She also wear platform sandal, she likes to feel tall and be the same height as her big sister.

The dominant color of her childhood clothes is green, white, and blue. Those color are chosen because little cerise likes her town, she likes the sky, the hill and the ocean.

As time passed by, Cerise now having a friend ( no siloh did not pass the friendship test, Cove is her first friend ), she feels less self conscious about her face. As she grew up she felt less scared and gained bit of self confidence.

But growing up means, Cerise entered middle school, and here started her complicated relathionship with school. Between the terrible stress of work being very hard for her and everyone not being little kid anymore, many thing changed and so did she.

In step 2, influenced by all the people around her, Cerise wants to look pretty and tries to put more effort into her appearance. As she never cut her hair they are very long so she starts by that: trying different hairstyles, her most common one is the side braid ponytail. She's still scared but she's not a kid anymore, Cerise is now able to go out her face not covered.

Now older she was allowed get her ears pierced and so she did.

Growing up she chose yellow as her favorite color because "it has a positive vibe" but secretly it was also because it reminded her of her sister.

Her wardrobe was filled with pretty clothe, ribbons, pretty cutted shirt and flowers patern. Although she intended to wear pretty clothes the types stayed the same : practical shorts and shirt.

She tries to be more feminine with little details like nail polish, hair accessories to look nice.

At the age of 13 years old, Cerise started having a noticeable chest and she hated it. Every clothes she felt too revealing was never wore again, everything that brang attention to her body was hided: tank top got banned from her wardrobe.

Fun fact : she ended up getting a sport shirt because it reminded her of Derek

Middle school is a period of self reflexion, and questioning herself that what she did. Moving to high school her anxiety didn't left but self confidence started to rise now that she felt pretty trough the help of accessories . She felt comfortable in her appearance but still worried of people's opinion, still unsure of what to feel about her body.

Summer 2016 or like they named it... The year of the incident... After 18 years of keeping her extremely long hair, Cerise's cut her hair short to try a new look. Out of highschool, she was worried and lost about herself and her possible future, this new hairstyle marked the start of a new search of self. ( cove discovered it when he came back from his mom and was quite in shock )

This last vacation of her tern year's was bittersweet and she spent it terrified of what the future may hold. Not a kid but not an adult, everything was scary and it reflected into her color scheme who gained more dull and earthy tones.

Her love for accessories grew with her and she started wearing rings, chockers but mainly a lot of bracelet, lot of which she shared with other.

Her love for yellow shifted to green, she tried to feel more adult to feel less scared about the future

Her discomfort with showing skin got mixed with her liking of wearing layered clothes. Her wardrobe got filled with long skirts and overalls dresses.

Her habit of wearing nail polish stayed but instead of the funky color she settled for the same dark green.

Fun facts : she traded one of her rings with one of Baxter's.

She has as multiple friendship bracelet handmade that she shares with Cove.

At the end of Summer, Cerise still scared of what the futur could bring, took the scariest but best decision of her life : moving out of Sunset bird.

Cerise took a year gap after high school and went traveling abroad. She did it to face her biggest fears and focus on herself. It was the decision that shifted her life like she needed. The experience helped her a lot and she grew up to become who she always dreamed of to be. She was not scared of people anymore, she found who she wanted to be and was happy with herself. She went back to appreciate what she used to like : bright color, feminine and comfy clothes, accessories, the ocean, the hills, her home town. Her scar didn't meant anything to her anymore, she liked who she was regardless of exterior opinion.

Inspired by internet fashion, Cerise developed an interest for cottage core and many other soft aesthetic .

She has 3 piercing each ear but often wear just two set of earrings.

She went back into liking yellow as one of her favorite color, but kept green along side of it.

She still wear green nail polish .

Her favorites clothes are long summer dresses.

She feels comfortable to show some skin after a long time of self hatred, now embracing any type of clothes regardless of if it's brings attention to her.

She dosen't wear her accessories as much as she used to but still hold an important love toward it.

Cerise became Cerise and accepted her likes and dislikes to become the best version of herself when it comes to her appearance.

END OF THE POST

If you read that much i thanks you for it ! Hope you'll have a nice day and here, a little Cerise to end this post

#doodle #my oc #original character #Olba #our life beginnings & always #Our life mc #dreamty's ramble #character design

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intcthatgoodnight-a2 · 3 years

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Bios for the Leverage team

Nathan Ford - the Mastermind

Born and raised in Boston. His father was a bookie and fixer for several mob families.

He is Catholic. When he was younger he wanted to become a priest. He went to seminary school but left before he finished.

Formerly an insurance investigator for IYS insurance. He recovered stolen items, and was one of the company's top guys, saving the company millions of dollars. Was well known in the criminal world.

His son Sam became sick (it’s never said what he had, only that it was “stage four” when discovered). IYS refused to pay for his medical treatment claiming it was “experimental”. Sam died when he was eight, in the hospital, his parents with him. (Nate still has trouble being in hospitals since)

After his sons death Nates life fell apart. He lost his job, he became and alcoholic, and his wife Maggie divorced him.

A few years later he is recruited to lead a team of thieves. After being double crossed, the team decided to con the guy who hired him. Nate recruited Sophie to join the team.

Nate and Sophie knew each other from his insurance days. He chased her across several countries. While they never had an affair while he was married, they both clearly had feelings for each other.

Nate plans the cons and leads the team. He convinced the group of thieves to steal from the corrupt rich and give it back to the people it was originally taken from.

Nate continues to suffer from alcoholism throughout the series.

For a while he continued to say that he was not a thief, he just worked with them. He refused to see himself as a criminal. It wasn’t until after a few years of working with the team, when he allowed himself to get arrested to they could get away, that he admited to himself that he was in fact a thief.

Known languages are: english, spanish, serbian, russian, italian, turkish, and latin

Sophie Devereaux - the Grifter

Not much is known about Sophie's past, other than she has several secrets in London which is where she began her criminal career. She has gone by several aliases.

Sophie is not her real name. Her real name is never revealed in the show and is one of the shows biggest secrets, as she kept it secret even from Nate.

She is an aspiring actress, but she is horrible at acting - when it’s acting on a stage or for film. When she is grifting she is able to convincingly play a variety of characters of seemingly any background/ career / or nationality. As Nate puts it: “Sohpie Devereaux is the best actress you’ve ever seen...when she’s breaking the law.”

She and Nate met ten years before the events of the show. They have a seemingly romantic relationship, both aware of each others feelings. However they don’t act on them for various reasons - first because Nate was married, and then later because Natein an unhealthy mindset. They have a ‘will they, won’t they’ things throught the series.

She is considered one of the best grifters in the world. At one point before the series, she stole the Second David from the Vatican.

Known languages are: english, spanish, mandarian, french, german, japanese, russian, hebrew, serbian, italian, as well as multiple other dialects.

Alec Hardison - the Hacker

Raised in the foster system. He and his foster siblings call their foster mom “Nana”. Has a foster sister named Breanna, who he taught hacking to.

He was raised a Jehovahs Witness and was made to go door to door to speak to people when he was young. Currently considers himself “religious but non denominational”

A prodigy and genius. He was able to crack into the Pentagon servers when he was only 12.

He played the violin until he was 14.

Used his hacking skills to attend the Oscars every year since he was 15.

He is wanted in Iceland - he spent his prom night hacking into the Bank of Iceland who he made pay his Nanas medical bills.

Once hacked into the White Houses emails because he was bored.

Other than hacking his skills include: inventing and engineering, some pickpocketing skills, improvisation, bomb making, forging, created CIA level cover stories and aliases.

Eliot Spencer - the Hitter

United States Black Ops soldier turned retrieval specialist.

His father ran a “hole in the wall” hardware store and wanted him to take it over. Eliot had other ideas and joined the service at 18.

In high school he dated a girl named Aimee, who he later said was the closest he ever got to settling down. He gave her a promise ring. It seemed like the thought she would wait for him when he left for the army, but she couldn’t

Not much is known about his time in the military or his retrieval work after.

Highly skilled in multiple areas. Some of the fighting styles he is shown to use are: boxing, muay thai, jujitsu, krav maga, kickboxing, eskrima, panantukan, kenpo karate, and aikido. He’s a fixer, and can play the “inside man”. He is a weapons expert. A skilled swordsman, and marksman - however he does like guns. He’s familiar with hostage negotiations.

Doesn’t like guns. Won’t use them if he doesn’t have to. Fights hand to hand, or with knives.

He’s a gourmet chef, as well as a singer and guitar player. He’s a flirt. Can ride a horse. He’s very protective of kids. And doesn’t like hitting cops.

The creator of the show originally intended for him to be cousins with Shawn Spencer from Psych. However this idea had to be scraped. But I say it’s true.

Known languages are: english, arabic, german, russian, and farsi (he doesn't speak it but seemed to understand it)

Parker - the Thief

She was put into the foster system when she was very young. Bounced around from foster home to foster home, most of which were abusive in some way. In one foster home, her foster father took her stuffed rabbit and told her she had to become a better thief to get it back. She stole it back and blew up the house.

At some point when she was very young, she taught her younger brother. Nick, to ride a bike. Later, while riding the bike, he was hit and killed by a car. She blamed herself and never told anyone.

Before she was 12, she was a getaway driver. Sometime after, she met a boy in foster care named Kelly, he taught her how to boost cars.They worked together as a team until they boosted a bait car. He escaped the police, leaving Parker to serve 6 months in juvie.

In 1998, Archie Leach, a master thief, caught her attempting to steal his wallet. He saw her potential and decided to train her as his apprentice, becoming a mentor and surrogate father as he trained her to be the greatest thief in the world. He never brought her home to his family though, telling Nate that she would have never fit in with a real family.

A few notable achievements are: she performed a heist of the French National Bank. Stole "the Caravaggio", in Paris, in 2003. At one point during the show, she stole the Hope Diamond only to put it back, because she was bored.

She was wanted in nine countries, including Brazil and Yemen

Parker is a gifted thief, deft at security circumvention and picking both locks and pockets. She has incredible gymnastics skills, flipping and weaving her way through laser grids with ease. She's also a formidable opponent in hand-to-hand combat due to her excellent upper body strength and acrobatics. She displays a very high level of spatial intelligence.

She has poor social skills, and different emotional responses. She can appear to lack visible empathy or other people, and has a hard time recognizing emotions.

While it is never said in the show, the creators have confirmed that Parker is autistic.

Known languages: english, spanish, and possibly french.

#;; human disaster (OOC)#since i'm not sure how many of yall have seen leverage #heres a quick rundown of the team

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chiisai-fukurou · 4 years

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About my hiatus :)

Long time no see... It has been a while since I published an article here...

A lot has happened and I think I cannot look at my blog the same way I did... I’ve been to Japan again last December and it was wonderful. I’ve spent a lot of time helping my friends and a lot of time visiting a neurologist for some troubles I’ve had for as long as I could think. It took a lot of time off of my schedule that I had to work hard to get back.

For a long time I had to fight with that feeling of being alien and not being able to fit in. For as long as I could think a lot of things just went over my head and I couldn’t fathom some things that happened around me. I cannot share a lot of things people around me think and talk about. There has been this suspicion that I’m autistic for a long time now so last year I decided to bite the bullet and get an appointment for a diagnosis.

It took 7 month of waiting for me to get to my first appointment. I chose a reputable neurologist/psychologist because I’m not a fan of “I think I have XX and just need a doctor to sign the diagnosis I made myself.” because if you want to improve your situation an accurate assessment of your current status is kind of paramount. I had several, hours long appointments that were quite costly but to me it was worth the time and money I paid for it. It was a very interesting experience too. There is a lot of testing and there are a lot of questions being asked to make sure it isn't something else causing you these troubles. There are a lot of things that can cause similar symptoms that are not autism. So carefully getting to the bottom of things takes time and multiple appointments to make sure that a bad or a good day didn't impact the diagnosis. I had to get a MRT too to make sure it is not brain damage that is causing the symptoms. I’m happy to declare that my brain is okay :) I’m however impartial to the diagnosis of autism/Aspergers.

I’m very happy I did this. The diagnosis allows me to get adequate help should I need it and it helps me understand my surroundings a lot better. The neurologist had a great analogy for my situation too: Autists have a different operating system running their hardware. Stimuli get processed in a very different way and there is no filter or automation happening that could help you with even simple conversations... Hence the seeming inability of autistic people to do smalltalk... Imagine the hell that human interaction can be, having to think of every sentence you say because you cannot do it casually or automatically, not being able to read the mood, knowing that you disappointed or hurt people without any chance of preventing it in the future... To many people this sounds weird and like I’m not even trying... I’m and the Neurologist told me I’m really well adapted but there are limits to how well one can adjust. Basically “normal” people have a social autopilot that handles a lot of things for them and autistic people don’t. We can never really relax in a social event because we get battered with details that we can't filter out. It’s tiring and yet I wish it wouldn't be tiring... because I wish to share things with friends and people. It took some time to get things sorted and deal with this experience.

I’m fine and in some way I felt liberated and happy I finally know what is up.

I had to weed out some connections that caused me grief and think of many things that happened in the past. A lot of things make sense now :)

I had an accident too this year breaking my left arm (;_;) and some stuff on my bicycle... I had a strained neck too... the surgeon didn't want to believe how quickly my bones healed (°_°;) The crack that ran through 75% of my Ulna wasn't visible or detectable anymore after 3 weeks... The accident happened while I was riding at 40 km/h on my bicycle and touched a curb with the wheels... It happened after a long long day at work right when the whole COVID19 thing started to take off in Germany. I couldn’t get lunch at work and had spend the whole day on water with a empty tummy... I was tired, hungry and worn out. I just wanted to go home and didn't pay enough attention...

Anyway I’m fine now :) My bike is fine again too :)

However because of this a lot of tasks at work were piling up and when I came back I had to do a lot of stuff trying to get on top of things... Because I work at a company that makes medical devices the current situation kind of overwhelmed the company as well... basically we get as many orders per month as we used to get within a year... This is incredibly challenging as our suppliers often can't keep up with the demand but I’m very happy to report that everyone of them is doing their best to keep up and to stay on top of the whole situation :,) I’m happy i can do my small part in saving lives and I think that a company where people stick together and try to do their best in trying times is incredibly valuable :)

Last year, while travelling through Japan, I once again noticed how awful tourist spots have become (-_-) Japan is close to my heart and I like the country and its people a lot. Many tourists behave badly, not out of ill intent but out of ignorance... Japanese value quiet, peaceful and clean behaviour but a lot of tourists seem to be unable to behave this way... They litter, leave toilets behind that are disgusting, are rude, don’t pay attention and seem to think Japan is a theme park. I like this country and I’m saddened that other foreigners tarnish the image of visitors and are taking advantage of incredibly kind people who welcome you as a guest :,( I felt bad that I wrote all those articles that might have inspired this kind of people to go to Japan :,( I want this kind of people to stay at home. You're ruining it for everyone else. My friends cheered me up a lot. Still the sight of drunken tourists puking on Takao-San in Tokyo or yelling loudly in a group at a shrine, throwing their cigarets and garbage on the streets in Kyoto, running through the streets while yelling or necessitating the fencing in of neighbourhood shrines because some dippshit thought it would be fun to put graffiti on them makes me incredibly sad. I’m sorry for the negativity but this has been troubling me a lot.

I received some questionable messages too... I’m a guy but some people seemed to assume that I’m a Japanese girl for some reason...

Anyway I kind of came to terms with things and will start writing again.

I hope people will become more respectful over time :)

I’m sorry for the rant I put in this article m(_ _)m I felt like I had to get it off of my chest because this has been bothering me a lot.

P.S. if you think autism is caused by vaccines, being autistic is better than being dead or to suffer from the consequences of an otherwise preventable disease. You do not “get” autism, one of the conditions that has to be met to get a diagnosis is that you had to have symptoms right from the start. Things that can cause similar symptoms are brain damage, PTSD, ADHD (you are born with that too and cannot get it) and certain medications. These however are different from autism in that they have to be treated differently. Hence the focus during diagnosis on making sure not to diagnose one of the other things as autism. I showed symptoms for as long as I can think back.

I hope you’ll forgive me for my long absence and won't change your attitude towards me :)

I’m still me albeit more confident and accepting of myself since I don't need to pester myself with questions like “why didn't i understand that.”, “Why can't I do that?”, etc. :)

Thank you to everyone who read through all of this :) I wish you a great time with sweet daydreams (^-^)/

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molsno · 3 years

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I’m skipping the middleman on that trans ask game and just answering all the questions myself <3

this is long so it’s under a read more

1. How did you choose your name?

in senior year of high school, while I was in french class, I was thinking about the word vivre, to live, and how it conjugated. I forget what tense it is, but one way of conjugating it is “nous vivions”, and it dawned on me that the name vivian is based on the word vivre (or its latin origin). of course, I already liked the name due to the character from paper mario ttyd, but knowing that it means life really spoke to me, as I think the ability to live is a precious thing that shouldn’t be wasted. I decided pretty much then and there that I would name my daughter vivian some day. well... then I got the chance to play a character in my friend’s danganronpa killing game, and I thought playing a girl would be interesting. granted, I also already knew I was an egg and saw this as an opportunity to try out my favorite name, so I created vivian tamochi. as you might have guessed, I loved being her so much that I made vivian my actual name

2. What gives you the most dysphoria?

um, hearing recordings of my own voice probably. I always think that I sound very feminine but then I hear a recording of myself and it sounds like a bad impression

3. Do you have more physical dysphoria or more social dysphoria?

more social I guess? actually yeah I think all of the dysphoria-induced breakdowns I’ve had have been because of social things

4. What do you do to perform self-care when you’re feeling dysphoric?

something that helps a lot is shaving, especially when it’s a fullbody shave

5. What was the first time you suspected you were transgender?

this is a bit embarrassing but it was honestly christmas eve 2018. I saw my little cousin (I think she was 8 at the time) wearing a pretty dress and I felt sort of jealous that I never got to do that when I was her age. I was so confused about this feeling that I told my trans friend kyra about it and after asking me to clarify what I meant she linked me to the egg_irl subreddit. that was the first time I seriously considered it

6. When did you realize you were transgender?

I told my friend amanda how I’d been confused about my gender and she offered to take me to goodwill to try on some clothes. I was extremely nervous about it while we were there and I really had to work up the courage to not only pick out some clothes to try, but also take them to the fitting room with me. but once I put on a skirt for the first time I stood there for like a solid 5 minutes just looking at myself in the mirror with the biggest happiest smile on my face. in that moment I finally understood what gender euphoria was. I couldn’t deny I was trans any longer, it was just a matter of working up the courage to tell people

7. What is your favorite part of being transgender?

um, probably that I feel like a person now. also the little things, like seeing my hips get bigger or looking at how long my hair has gotten. just little things to smile about!

8. How would you explain your gender identity to others?

um, I’m girl <3

9. How did you come out? If you didn’t come out, why do you stay in the closet? Or what happened when you were outed?

I mean it depends on who, but I decided to do it on national coming out day 2019, in my discord server with friends. basically I commented on it being national coming out day and reposted my intro in the introductions channel with my new name and pronouns. everyone there sorta saw it coming I’m pretty sure

10. What have your experiences been with packing or tucking?

I’ve tucked a few times in public. it’s uncomfortable for sure, but not terrible once you get used to it. the idea of it made me squeamish at first, I’ll admit. but since I haven’t had much excuse to go out in girlmode the past year or so, I haven’t tucked much

11. What are your experiences with binding or wearing breast forms?

the closest I’ve ever gotten to wearing breast forms is wearing a bra every day for..... almost a year now? it doesn’t serve much purpose other than letting me feel something there, though that is changing since I’ve been on hrt for several months

12. Do you pass?

I mean... probably not? I feel like I’m very visibly trans. there have been like two times where I’ve been gendered correctly in public (one in girlmode, one not) but those are extremely rare

13. What (if any) steps do you want to take to medically transition?

well I’ve been on hrt for 8 months now so that’s one thing. I want to get laser hair removal for my facial hair because that’s one of the biggest sources of dysphoria for me, but yknow. that’s expensive! according to my understanding my insurance supposedly should cover bottom surgery, but I’m honestly in no rush to get that. I don’t really have much bottom dysphoria, but it would be nice to get surgery some day

14. How long have you been out?

it’s been about a year and two months now...... time flies

15. What labels have you used before you’ve settled on your current set?

up until I was like 17 I was incredibly insistent on being cis and straight despite very obvious (in retrospect) signs to the contrary. around 18 I was very confused why all my friends were lgbt in some form and also I kinda started realizing I don’t mind dick, and I thought it would all make sense if I was bi. I identified as cis and bi for like 4 years or so but the longer it went on the more wrong it felt considering I had never once during that time been attracted to a man

16. Have you ever experienced transphobia?

surprisingly not really? the most transphobia I’ve experienced has been a result of automated processes like proctored testing or emails. of course, I’ve seen all the nasty shit that terfs say about people like me, but I’ve never been a victim of it directly

17. What do you do when you have to go to the bathroom in public?

if there is a universal restroom that I can lock from inside then I use that. if not, I sigh dramatically and sadly use the men’s room

18. How does your family feel about your trans identity?

truthfully I don’t know. my mom seems accepting enough, but with the pandemic going on I haven’t talked to her much. I know my sister is aware, and shockingly she seems supportive too, but we haven’t talked about it in depth

19. Would you ever go stealth, and if you are stealth, why do you choose to be stealth?

if I could go stealth I would. I’m sorry but I don’t want to be visibly trans

20. What do you wish you could have shared with your younger self about being trans?

the sooner you start transitioning the happier you’ll be. by denying this part of yourself you’re just making yourself miserable

21. Why do you use the pronouns you use?

she/her makes me happiest. I’ve (against my will, mind you) used they/them and been called molsno in a group that I wasn’t out in, and..... it made me feel..... distant, I guess? it was better than he/him, but it felt much less personal

22. Do your neurodivergencies and/or disabilities affect your gender?

I mean...... yeah? as a trans lesbian it’s very easy for me to hate masculinity given how it’s instilled nothing but negative feelings in me literally my entire life, and being autistic makes it harder to understand how the things I say about gender negatively impact the people around me

23. What’s your biggest trans-related fear?

the fear that I may never be able to believe I can be loved as a woman, probably

24. What medical, social, or personal steps have you already taken to start your transition?

coming out nearly everywhere and getting on hrt!

25. What do you wish cis people understood?

I desperately wish cis people understood even the basics of trans issues. still to this day many cis people don’t even know the right terminology to use for trans people. they think “trans man” and “trans woman” mean the opposite of what they actually mean and that’s just so goddamn frustrating. many of them think transitioning is just bottom surgery and that’s it. like, they don’t know anything about hrt. cis people please educate yourselves on trans issues I’m begging you

26. What impact has being trans had on your life?

it’s affected many aspects of my life but I think the biggest one is that I feel like a person now. I always felt like a robot, or like someone putting on a performance before, but I feel like a human being now

27. What do you do to validate yourself?

ummm... not much really. I guess one thing that has helped is making my character astrid trans? because if I ever think something bad about myself I can stop myself and ask if I would think the same thing about her, and of course the answer is no.

28. How do you feel about trans representation in media?

it’s bad. trans women very rarely get any positive representation. like the only transfem characters that come to mind that I think were handled well were lily hoshikawa from zombieland saga and vivian from paper mario (although even that’s debatable given the english censorship about her gender and the way beldam abuses her in japanese). meanwhile nonbinary representation consists almost exclusively of aliens, shapeshifters, robots, etc. and trans men get literally nothing. like. trans representation is just so abysmal it’s not even funny

29. Who is your favorite trans celebrity?

umm....... I don’t really care about celebrities lol. if I were to answer this question it would be “oh yes I’ve heard of these people”

30. Who is the transgender person who has influenced you the most?

gosh, how could I ever decide? most of my friends are trans so it’s hard to say but if I had to answer.... my friends kyra and modeus were probably the most helpful when I was figuring myself out

31. How are you involved with the trans community, IRL or online?

mostly online

32. How do you see yourself identifying and presenting in 5 years?

I’ll almost certainly still be a woman, and hopefully my transition will have gone well enough that I’ll be able to pass

33. What trans issue are you most passionate about?

healthcare. the difficulty so many people face with getting access to trans healthcare is ridiculous and discriminatory. I’ve written essays for school about this topic and they were the easiest essays I’ve had to write because of how passionate I am about this

34. What advice would you give to other trans people, or what message would you like to share with them?

pick your head up queen/king/royal, your cat ears are falling down

35. How do you feel your gender interacts with your race, disability, class, weight, etc. from the perspective of intersectionality?

well I’m white, able bodied, average weight, and I’m about to get a degree in computer science, so I have a lot of privilege that other trans people don’t have. I fully recognize that. it breaks my heart that so many less privileged trans people, particularly trans women of color, are murdered and never even get the justice they deserve. I wish there was more I could do to stop it, but privileged as I am, I’m only one person. I want everyone to be aware of who the major victims of transphobia are. look out for black trans women especially, they need your protection and support most of all

36. What, if any, is the difference between your gender identity and your gender expression?

not much. I’m a woman with a very feminine gender expression, when I’m free to be. the biggest feminine thing that I don’t do is makeup, but that’s more due to dysphoria rather than a distaste for it

37. Do you feel more masculine, feminine, or neither?

feminine uwu

38. What is your sexual and romantic orientation, and what are your thoughts on it?

I am a lesbian and that is very epic of me. I love girls and seeing girls in love makes me happy and imagining myself as a girl in love with another girl makes me even happier

39. Is your ideal partner also trans, or do you not have a preference?

I always hate admitting this, but due to personal reasons, my ideal partner is cis. this is mostly because I very much want to have biological children, and that’s simply not possible with another trans woman. I wouldn’t rule out an afab nonbinary person entirely, it just really depends on how comfortable said person is with femininity and also how they feel about dating a lesbian. if not for my desire to have kids (which is not something I’m willing to compromise on since it has been my lifelong dream) I would have a lot more options. truth be told, cis women kind of scare me, and it would be so much easier to date someone who fundamentally understands what it’s like to be trans. but biology is cruel unfortunately

40. How did/do you manage waiting to transition?

it was incredibly difficult. thankfully, it didn’t last very long. I only had to wait about 6 months, and most of that time was spent waiting until I was able to bank sperm because I didn’t want to risk becoming permanently infertile after starting hrt

41. What is the place (blog, website, forum, IRL space) you get most of your info on being trans or on trans related things?

ngl...... reddit. the trans boards have many, many helpful resources for transfem people. I don’t really go there anymore but it was immensely helpful in the early stages

42. Do you interact with other trans people IRL?

I mean..... yeah, but not very much anymore on account of the pandemic. I made a few trans friends junior year of college and we still talk occasionally, but it’s been several months since I last saw them all

43. Are you involved in any trans-related activism?

not really 😔

44. Free space! Answer any question you want, or make up your own question to answer.

“Wow Vivi how come you’re so epic?”

I was born this way <3

#personal

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neurodiversenerd · 5 years

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How to Include Autistic Women in Your Feminism

Hey, given that this is an activist post, I might be mentioning certain issues that might be triggering to some. Check the tags and stay safe. Ily. ❤️

Ever since activist and feminist Audre Lorde devised intersectionality as a way of describing the experience of multiply-marginalized women, feminism has adapted to include women of color, trans women, queer women, disabled women and religious minority women. Although white, non-intersectional feminism is still pervasive and is the dominant ideology carried on by cishet white women, a significant portion of the feminist movement has embraced the identities and diversity among various groups of women.

Intersectionality allows for us to look at the various ways womanhood affects those experiencing it, instead of just slapping one catch all experience of femininity onto all women. It lets us understand that a woman of color, for example, has less amounts of racial privilege than a white woman and must deal with the burden of specific stereotypes around being a woman of color. Intersectional feminism centers the women with multiple identities, or “intersections,” that society considers unfavorable or marginalized.

However, with all the strides intersectional theory has made in social justice circles, the plight of Autistic women is largely ignored by even the most inclusive feminist circles.

Disabled women as a broader group are often lumped together, even though cognitively disabled, intellectually disabled and physically disabled women contend with incredibly different forms of ableism. Alternatively, the feminist movement also tends to cater to physically disabled women who often have more visibility (which, granted, isn’t a lot) and acceptance than those whose minds are thought to be lesser.

It’s common in the disabled community for people to justify their humanity by asserting their neurotypicality, while erasing and oppressing non-neurotypicals. The pro-Autistic movement itself is mostly made up of women, queer individuals and people of color, and yet somehow it always ends up headed by cis white men. In both feminism and Autistic advocacy, women (especially ones with multiple intersections) are ignored and pushed to the sidelines despite typically facing greater oppression than cis autistic men.

Thus, it’s important to make sure to be inclusive towards autistic women and GNC individuals in both feminism and disabled activism. Here are some ways that I’ve compiled on how to make your feminism both inclusive and accepting as a queer, Autistic feminist.

1. Mention Autistic Women and Bodily Autonomy

Women’s rights to their bodies are an important topic to discuss in feminism, but Autistic women deal with specific challenges in regard to consent and access to care and their bodies, so it’s important to bring up these issues in your discussions.

For starters, the court case Buck v. Bell still stands to this day. The case itself took place in the early 20th century during the eugenicist movement, and the court’s ruling allowed the forced sterilization of anyone labeled feebleminded. It’s legal for parents and guardians of the disabled to sign paper and sterilize anyone under their control regardless of whether the person in question consent to it even now. This is especially unsettling for women of color, who have historically been abused by eugenicist doctors. (See The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks and the book Imbeciles for more information on these topics).

In the medical industry, there are also barriers Autistic women must deal with. Today, there are still ableist debates about whether Autistic and other disabled people deserve emergency medical treatment and organ transplants. Once again, this is especially bad for women of color who deal with medical abuse and malpractice committed against them in modern times.

The gist is, the most vulnerable Autistic women often don’t have the ability to consent to harmful and damaging procedures.

For transgender Autistic women, the burden is tenfold. Many Autistic trans people on social media have shared their stories about how people struggled to believe that they were trans because of their neurological difference. This makes transitional care and access much harder for GNC Autistic people and trans people, as their gender identity is viewed as a symptom.

2. Talk About Consent

Along with consent to medical procedures, there’s also the fact that Autistic women are particularly vulnerable to the whims of violence against women. Here are some ideas to mention when talking about consent.

First off, many Autistic women use alternative methods of communication. Neurotypical women can usually say an explicit ‘yes’ or ‘no,’ though they still face violence. For Autistic women who are nonverbal and communicate through AAC, in a victim blaming culture such as ours their hindered ability to consent can be used against them.

Through ABA therapy, Autistic women are also further taught that their ‘no’ doesn’t matter. True ABA therapy, created by Ivar Lovaas, is essentially legal conditioning. The aim of this psychological form of abuse is to train Autistic children into seeming more Neurotypical instead of embracing their unique neurology and changing their environment to fit their needs. These kids are taught to obey authority at all times, or else they’ll deal with the use of an aversiv e. This of course, discourages their active consent to a situation and puts Autistic women in a dangerous position.

If they are physically as well as cognitively disabled, they may not physically be able to resist or run from an attacker. In many cases, an incidence of assault is justified by the perpetrator claiming that the victim wouldn’t have had a consensual encounter otherwise because they are “ugly” or unworthy of a healthy relationship. Autistic women are often considered to be such..

Trans women and women of color, who are often assaulted more frequently than cis white, women are of course very vulnerable when it comes to this issue. As such, it’s vital to mention this at any discussion of consent.

3. Know that Toxic Femininity Affects Us More than Neurotypical Women

To preface this, I want to say that there’s nothing wrong with being feminine. I myself identify as a femme woman, out of my own personal fashion sense and aesthetic. I like being a feminine woman and wearing dresses and having long hair, though these also aren’t the only ways to be feminine, of course. Embracing femmeness does not mean that someone is servicing the patriarchy, and embracing androgyny and/or butchness also doesn’t mean said person has internalized misogyny. Everyone is entitled to the way they want to present, and feminism should be about uplifting how people choose to present themselves instead of putting down women they don’t think look “liberated” or “feminist” enough.

That being said, the patriarchy tends to enforce feminine roles on cis women and police the feminine expression of transwomen to make them “prove” they’re really trans and “sure” about being women. I like to call this “Toxic Femininity,” the way that women are pressured to conform to Eurocentric femininity regardless of how they actually want to present, but then oppressed for both their femmeness or their alternate presentation if they disregard the aforementioned. Either way, women can’t win.

Abiding by gender roles is exhausting for anyone, but for Autistic women who have limited energy to go into their daily activities and deal with sensory issues and neurotypicals. As such, gender presentation is often pretty low on our list of priorities. Autistic women are often unable to conform to society as our hindered social skills prevent us from perceiving these norms. It’s hard for us to fully conceptualize what’s acceptable and what’s not. As such, it takes extra effort for us to live up to Toxic Femininity.

With our sensory perception, certain clothes are uncomfortable for us and it’s sometimes a necessity to wear certain textures. Men’s clothing or androgynous clothing are often more comfortable, so it’s not uncommon to find us wearing those. As such, we are often labeled butch or non-femme regardless of how we actually identify our presentation. We are cast aside by Toxic Femininity.

This is of course, even more true for fat women, trans women, and physically disabled Autistic women, who’s bodies already don’t abide by the unattainability that Toxic Femininity forces us to live up to.

4. Downplay the Voice of Neurotypicals in Autistic Women’s Issues

Despite their position of being privileged oppressors of the Autistic community, most of our advocacy is done by parents and relatives of Autistic people who believe that they are more entitled to our community and voices. They are the “Autism moms” and those with blue puzzle piece signs in their backyards, constantly yelling over us.

Most of the Autism organizations are run by these people, who often don’t consult with Autistic people about the needs of our community. Even though most of them don’t think they hate Autistic people and may even share common goals with the community, they still oppress us because they’re centering the voices of the privileges instead of the voices that are affected no matter how supportive they are.

An Autistic inclusive feminist space means downplaying Neurotypical rhetoric, meaning stopping the use of hate symbols like puzzle pieces and functioning labels. Cut out the influence of ableist organizations and monitor the use of words like “retarded” in your space. This will be difficult in a pervasively ableist society, but it will be worth it in making a more united social justice movement.

It also means allowing Autistic people to have input in their own issues, and allowing them to reclaim their agency. Know that no matter how many Autistic people you know, if you’re Neurotypical, you will never truly experience being Autistic even if you know more about the condition.

5. Autistic Women Can Still be Racist, Homophobic, or Transphobic – Don’t Be Afraid to Let Them Know

There are usually 2 stereotypes Neurotypicals believe about us, and strangely enough, they’re complete opposites. We’re either hyperviolent, unfeeling school shooters to them or perfect innocent angels who never do anything wrong. Obviously, these are ableist because they assume that all Autistic people are the same, but most people tend to look at us as the latter stereotype because it’s more “politically correct” even though both viewpoints are hurtful in different ways.

As such, when Autistic people are genuinely oppressive, they aren’t held accountable. I’ve had interactions with homophobic Autistic people who accepted me for my Autism but not the fact that I was a girl who loved girls. I’ve met misogynist Autistic men who viewed me as an object and wouldn’t respect my boundaries and right to say ‘no’ to a relationship. As an Autistic white person, I myself hold institutional power over Autistic people of color and as such, am able to be racist.

Autistic people shouldn’t be given a free pass for their bigotry, and assuming that they should denies them their agency and oppresses others in that space.

Autistic women have a lot to contribute to feminism, and neurotypical women should allow them the opportunity to rise against their own oppression. Thanks for reading and for making your feminism inclusive –

Trust me, it means the world to us.

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disabled-queen-hc-blog · 5 years

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autistic!roger being really good at masking that when he tries to stop around the rest of queen its just kind of difficult for him?? because he has hidden his traits for his whole life and anytime he would show them before he'd get shamed. so its just all scary and difficult and he isnt really sure who he is?? and of course in the end the boys help him

Masking is natural for Roger. His second nature. He never has to think about putting on the facade of an allistic. The moment he steps out of his house, it envelops him.The laughing and smiling and eye contact, while forced, aren’t things he has to put too much thought into. When he’s in public, he has to act “normal” and he’s a really good actor.

But actors needed to drop the act eventually. That’s where Roger struggled the most. Taking off the mask at the end of the day or around trusted ones felt nearly impossible. He worried if the years of faking made the mask meld into his skin. Like he’d never be able to take it off, no matter how uncomfortable and painful it was.

Freddie threw his hair over his shoulder, a confident look on his face. “Boys, you’ll never believe it!” he said.

The three other’s leaned in, eye’s wide and curious, a murmuring of “Believe what?” echoing around the group.

“I was recognized today!” He replied, an air of whimsy around him.

The other’s were impressed, asking for more details.

“Yes, yes, it’s true! I was at the grocers and somebody called my name! I had no idea my doctor shopped at the same store as me,” he said seriously before cracking up.

Brian and John did too, slapping their knees and throwing their heads back. Roger didn’t really get the joke or feel the need to laugh, but without thinking, he was matching the intensity of those around him, laughing just as hard and with the same gusto.

It took Roger a second to realize what he was doing, but he felt too awkward to stop. So he laughed and laughed until it was appropriate to stop.

“You really had us going there, Fred,” Brian said out of breath, wiping the tears from his eyes. “Reminds me when I thought a fan was approaching me, but it was only my grammar school teacher. Thought the granny wanted an autograph, but all she cared to know was if I could finally spell my name correctly,” Brian, John and Freddie burst into snickers and guffaws, shoving and slapping at each other playfully.

Roger could see the humor of it yet didn’t feel the need to laugh. So he didn’t. A conscious choice.

On one hand, it felt good to not act. It required so much less energy. On the other, he felt singled out. Maybe rude for not following the flow of the group. A sore thumb. Was the trade off worth it?

He started to jiggle his leg, a nervous stim of his that many thought was just Roger being his energetic self. The group came too from their giggling fit, Freddie patting Roger’s shoulder.

“Why so glum? Jealous of our fan experiences?” he said, the last part being sarcastic. Roger knew that. Identifying sarcasm was a skill he had to learn by force.

“Oh, no, I’m not glum,” Roger said, a forced smile tickling at his lips.

Why was he so afraid to be himself around them? It’s not like they’ve ever been mean to him before. But they’ve never seen the real him either. What if they didn’t like that Roger? What if they preferred his mask?

His leg jiggling grew faster as the thoughts in his head grew more negative. The room could sense it, everyone becoming a big uneasy.

“What’s wrong, Rog? You seem irritated,” Brian said with genuine concern, his head tilting.

Roger opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out, unsure of what to say. Nothing he could say would make sense or be short and simple. He’d have to explain so much. Was it worth it?

“Are you ill?” Freddie chimed in, trying to feel Roger’s forehead with his palm, Roger ducking out of the way.

The mask was digging into his skin.

“I’m not sick! I’m- I’m fine. I uh..” his voice trailed off, brain filled with too many things to focus on one train of thought. So Roger got up and did the thing that helped him concentrate.

He jumped.

The obnoxious movements somehow brought peace to him. Like that was the state his body was supposed to be in all the time.

And although he’d never done this in front of them before and even though they all probably thought he was higher than a kite, he felt really good.

“Reckon he’s on LSD?” Freddie said, looking at the spectacle in front of him.

“Probably,” John said, eyebrows knitted curiously.

Once he felt calm enough, Roger stopped, turning to face them.

“I’m not on a single substance right now. I’m just being...being Roger. Myself,” he said, still unsure of how to get all of his thoughts out coherently.

They all stared at him, question marks somehow visible on their foreheads. Roger couldn’t help but to laugh, enjoying how the tables had turned. It was usually Roger who was confused.

“I’m different. Ever since I was born. Special, maybe. But uh, I’ve always known that. So, I hid it from everyone. It wasn’t something I decided either. My brain just...made me act like everyone else. I think to survive...” he started to flap a little.

“Hiding is kinda like acting, y’know? I put on a persona for everyone so nobody thinks I’m weird. It’s taxing, though. Incredibly. And it hurts. My plight for normality wounds me,”

“And I love you guys. I don’t want to lie around you guys anymore. But I’m scared...that you won’t like the real Roger. That you’ll find him to be annoying. Or to be a spaz. But I’m really tired. And it’s too painful. So, I think I’m done pretending. I..have to not care anymore,”

And with that, Roger left the room. He had just poured his heart out and absolutely could not tolerate the idea of being there while the others processed it. He didn’t want to answer questions or be coddled. He just needed to unburden himself.

The guys left him alone for a minute or two before they all exited the room, hoping to find him and talk.

He wasn’t hard to find, standing by the entrance of the building, playing with some of his hair absentmindedly as he stared out the glass door.

“Roger, darling, there you are!” Freddie said, herding the others over to him.

Roger would have smiled if he was masking but he didn’t. He just looked at them, fingers fiddling with blond locks.

“I think we’re all a little confused about what you said, but I do believe the main message is clear. Don’t pretend to be something your not. Not for our sakes. Especially if it hurts you inside,” Freddie said, a soft smile on his face.

“We’d love you no matter what. “Weird” or not. You’re our best mate. You’re our Roger. Nothing could make us think of you as less,” Brian said, resting a hand on Roger’s shoulder.

“You don’t have to pretend anymore,” John said, always so brief but exact with his words.

Roger looked down at his sparkly shoes, letting what they said digest. He wondered if they really meant it. If they truly believed they could handle Roger in his true form.

There was only one way to find out.

Roger smiled, a genuine smile, looking at how the glitter on his shoes caught the light.

“Alright, then,” he said quietly before hopping up and down a few times. He loved the feeling of his hair floating up and crashing back down over his ears and cheeks.

“Alrighty,” they echoed, each one pulling Roger into a hug before padding back off into the room to finish their night of gossiping and unwinding.

Much to Roger’s surprise, they never went back on their promises. It was hard at first to always be himself around them, but eventually, those 3 guys started to feel like home. And he never wore his mask at home.

#roger #autistic!roger #Anonymous

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hollenius · 5 years

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re neurodivergent headcanons in Breaking Bad/Better Call Saul, I think the first time (a year or so ago) I read something where someone online suggested Chuck was somewhere on the autism spectrum (high functioning/Aspergers), I laughed it off as a ridiculous suggestion, because he didn’t “fit” many of the stereotypical traits seen in other fictional characters or in the popular conception of the topic…but in retrospect, I think that came more from my misunderstanding of the “spectrum” part of it than anything else. It’s definitely a plausible/possible diagnosis comorbid with the anxiety disorder(s) he canonically has.

· We know Chuck’s a good actor (e.g. his ability to fool Jimmy in “Klick”) and is able to mimic and slip into different sorts of social behaviors (e.g. his ability to social climb from a working class or lower-middle-class family to the world of white shoe law firms), so he’s probably capable of using masking in most public settings. This is apparently a more common trait in autistic women, but men do it as well, if less frequently.

· Studies asking about the long-term effects of masking seem to imply it takes a physical/emotional/mental toll on the person using it, which might explain why, by the time we see him in BCS, the stress of acting “normal” in meetings and the like, when compounded with the worsening of his anxiety problems, leaves him curled up under a space blanket for hours or even days afterward. Trying to compensate for multiple issues at once is probably even more taxing.

· He seems prone to getting overwhelmed by things and either shutting down or lashing out in reaction. The most extreme form of the former is when he goes catatonic for hours/days in response to being tazed or put in the CAT scan machine; the most extreme form of the latter is probably him completely losing it and shouting/crying/having to be physically restrained by the hospital staff because he’s so upset about being surrounded by lights/hooked up to an EKG/being recommended for a CAT scan.

· Contrary to stereotypes, Chuck is decent at reading people (or at least he’s extremely good at reading his brother and knowing how he behaves) and he interacts well with people within a work context, but he doesn’t seem to have any friends outside of it, or much in the way of a social life–the other lawyers hold him in awe as a sort of glorified animate law encyclopedia, rather than someone they would want to hang out with or chat with informally. (Though Chuck doesn’t come across as the sort who would be interested in chit chat with coworkers anyway...) Being totally housebound and cut off from the outside world is upsetting to Chuck primarily because it interferes with his work as a lawyer–we never get the sense that he’s upset about it having any effect on his interpersonal relationships, because he doesn’t seem to have any. This is probably why losing Rebecca hit him so hard. He’s got almost nobody else, besides Jimmy and Howard, and he’s really not emotionally open and unguarded with anyone.

· He’s got problems dealing with his emotions in general. Even when he’s trying to do his little pain/emotion/medication journal as part of his psychiatric treatment towards the end of season 3, he seems to struggle with articulating his emotional state–he’s just got “average” written down for most of the incidents he’s logged, but he’s not able to write down what his emotion is after he’s unable to sleep after insulting/lying to Jimmy to drive him away for the final time, and he seems to abandon writing in the journal after that & rapidly deteriorates psychologically. From what we see of him in the show, he seems to alternate between being extremely repressed and completely exploding and freaking out.

· Some people have no interest in having or wanting friends, but I don’t think Chuck’s one of them. He seems pretty lonely. He remarks to Jimmy at one point in season 1 that he doesn’t really mind him hanging around to work on the Sandpiper case in his house because he’s glad for the company, which makes his systematic driving away of Jimmy and the few other people in his life all the sadder. The whole root of Chuck’s jealousy of Jimmy in the first place is that people like Jimmy, and they don’t like him. He makes attempts at being friendly, but struggles to do it on anything deeper than a surface level. (Of course, a lot of Jimmy’s friendliness and charm tends to be pretty shallow too, but I don’t know that Chuck really appreciates that or can tell the difference–all he sees are the results.)

· He’s tone-deaf with jokes–he famously botches the attempt at a lawyer joke to his wife in the opening flashback in “Rebecca”, but he also makes an awkward attempt at humor when talking to Kim in a present-day scene later in that same episode (“the early bird gets the worm, which is good if you like worms”), which leads to some uncomfortable forced laughter from her. Some people are just serious by nature, but they probably wouldn’t bother trying to make jokes in the first place if that were the case. The fact that Chuck keeps trying to make jokes and failing suggests that there might be some impairment in that area. He sees Jimmy do it, and he sees it work for him, but can’t really manage it himself. (He seems to do ok with deadpan sarcasm though–that comment about young people loving local print journalism is probably my favorite Chuck quote.)

· He’s very verbal and articulate, but his speech patterns can be a bit odd. He can be indirect and overly formal, which may or may not be an overcompensation for the more stereotypical autistic behavior of being too direct in speech as to be insensitive. He usually winds up still coming off as elitist and assholish anyway, though he may not be intending this/aware of this. When he’s nervous or upset, he tends to devolve into talking at people rather than to them, such as when he starts rambling on about probable cause and assorted legal precedents to the police officers who show up at his house in “Alpine Shepherd Boy”, without noticing that they aren’t even standing at the door anymore. He’s got a lot of information rattling around in his head, which he throws out as a defense, but not always in a way that is helpful; I don’t think talking about Latin translations of the Hippocratic Oath to the doctors sedating him without his consent before sending him in for a CAT scan is doing him any good (NB: the actual Hippocratic Oath is in Greek anyway, and the phrase Primum non nocere dates from a later period, so either Chuck has no idea what he’s talking about, he’s conflating two related things, or he’s freaking out enough that he doesn’t really care at this point).

· He seems to ignore other people when they’re talking to him altogether if something sets him off or distracts him–when Howard tells him about Kim quitting HHM and teaming up with Jimmy, Chuck immediately tunes him out, to the point where Howard has to ask him if he’s still listening. Chuck says he is, but then walks off in the middle of Howard talking because he’s still distracted by what he said before, sending a confused/concerned Howard following after him. This is at its most extreme when he goes into his rant in “Chicanery” and is totally oblivious to both Galley pleading with him to stop and everybody else in the room staring at him in growing horror/disbelief until he’s far past the point of no return.

· I’m actually sort of curious about Chuck’s abilities in court prior to the visible deterioration of his mental health, because although he clearly knows a lot about the law, his personality is a bit off-putting. I don’t know if he just sort of brute-forced his way through things because of his knowledge of obscure case law, because based on what I know from the lawyers I’m friends with, there are all sorts of subjective factors that can come into play in a court setting. The sort of things that would drive someone like Chuck nuts, like jurors who deliberately choose to ignore evidence because they’ve decided in advance that they don’t want to convict someone of a crime. (To be fair, this would also drive me completely insane, because I have a really hard time at my own job dealing with people who think the rules shouldn’t apply to them for various reasons.)

· Chuck has an EXTREMELY black and white view of the world, and a sort of obsession with the authority of law and the importance of following the rules. He’s got really strong perfectionist tendencies within himself. I think a lot of why he gravitates toward the law is that he seems to find all the rules and procedures comforting, in a way--there’s a uniformity to the way the legal world works, and a framework in which everything proceeds--constraints which are equally binding on all participants.

· Maybe he just knows a ton about the law because he’s a lawyer, but it might also fall into the case of it being a special interest, since his knowledge of obscure case law seems to be regarded as extensive and superlative even by other lawyers. (He reads FEC and ISO reports for fun!)

· There’s something slightly elliptical about his thinking, and he doesn’t seem to realize that other people aren’t following his thought patterns. (He repeats his “One after Magna Carta!” justification for knowing the Mesa Verde address to Kim and Jimmy in season 2 as well as to the officials from the Bar in season 3, which seems to suggest that he thinks it is a very obvious and logical connection that other people should grasp, though I’m not sure that it actually is outside of his head.)

· I’m not entirely sure where the line between nervous tics and stimming is drawn, but he’s got a lot of little fidgety behaviors that come out especially when he’s stressed, especially scratching or shaking or wringing his hands. (The script to “Chicanery” indicates that he’s nearly drawing blood from digging into his hands while on his big rant, but it’s not visible onscreen because we’ve got that wonderful/agonizing slow zoom onto his face instead.) It's not clear if it predates the EHS or not. Sometimes there’s a clear tie in his behavior to perceived pain from electricity, but sometimes there’s not--sometimes it seems to result from him trying to distract himself from the electricity instead, like when he’s trying to stand outside the house for two minutes in “Bingo”. Sometimes he does it while he’s standing around in his house, thinking about something else, like while rehearsing arguments against Jimmy before he heads in to court in “Chicanery”.

· There’s a pretty strong preference for routine/predictability & distress when it’s altered. (Most people probably would not get so suspicious if a single newspaper wasn’t delivered one day, for example. If it was repeated or frequent or a pattern, yes, but not for a single paper.) His control issues are brought up pretty frequently in fandom discussions; maybe he’s a jerk, maybe he’s just not able to function well in unpredictable situations, maybe it’s a little of both (e.g. Chuck being really bothered by Ernie bringing him the wrong kind of apples, then saying that it didn’t really bother him that much...but then telling Ernie to write it down so that he would get the right apple the next time, indicating that he actually WAS bothered by it)

· It’s possible his perceived sensitivity to electricity grew out of an existing natural sensitivity or aversion to extremes in light or sound or anything else, but this is pure conjecture because we get so few flashback scenes. (Speaking only from personal experience, I don’t think I’m hurt by electricity, but I can hear lights when they’re turned on, and get uncomfortable/anxious under certain types of light, like fluorescents in big box stores when out shopping, so maybe someone who’s more sensitive to sensory things in general might be more prone to developing a sort of learned distress out of that.)

All of this is very inconclusive! But it’s totally plausible as a reading of the character.

#long post #meta #better call saul #chuck McGill #long posts about loathed characters!

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blueyesandleatherjacket · 5 years

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Ghost of you, 18/?

Volume: 1.

Number of parts: 18/?.

Pairings: Human!Nine x Rose; Human!Ten x Jack; Clara Oswald x Olivia Baxter (OC).

Synopsis: "All she could see through her teary eyes was the body of the man who once was her friend laying on the ground surrounded by bloody pieces of gauzes. It made her heart more painful and her guilt crushed her. She squeezed her eyes shut. She didn’t want to see this anymore. She couldn’t handle it any longer."

A/N: I've started writing this fiction last year after I had a particularly weird dream (as usual) and after I wrote the prologue, I've put it aside to work on other stuff. I've gone back to it not so long ago and decided that it would be the fiction I would post next, after not posting anything for a while. I must have watched I am legend and Game of thrones way too much to come out with something like this but I hope you will like it. I am not a scientist, nor did I have a particular knowledge of sciences. I do my researches on the internet like everyone to make sure everything is as close to the reality as possible. I have a literature degree only. Writing is what I do and it makes me explore next fields, and learn new things.

“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.” - Norman Cousins.

CHAPTER 18:

Liv was devastated and no one could blame her for this. They could blame her for everything else but not for being devastated. It was all her fault. She had been the first one in the cage and she had thought she could do it. She had thought she could do the impossible. She had thought that she could actually save the man who saved her years ago… She had miserably failed. Maxence Spitz had died while she was trying to save him. His brain and body hadn’t been able to handle the struggle anymore. Piercing holes in his skull had been the last straw. Now, Liv had her hands covered with his blood, blood that she was spreading on her suit as she rocked herself. Tears were clouding her sight and sobs were making it hard for her to breathe. She couldn’t care less. She didn’t deserve to live when she had killed her friend. “Liv?” All she could see through her teary eyes was the body of the man who once was her friend laying on the ground surrounded by bloody pieces of gauzes. It made her heart more painful and her guilt crushed her. She squeezed her eyes shut. She didn’t want to see this anymore. She couldn’t handle it any longer. “Liv!” She could hear his voice now but she didn’t react to it. It was her grief speaking. Just a memory in a spectral form. It was no way to remember this fantastic man. She preferred keeping the precious memories of him smiling and laughing, the priceless image of the man who took her out of the orphanage when she was sixteen, the picture of him bruised after he got involved in a fight with his biological father who was responsible for her rape, for her miscarriage and her now inability to carry children. She remembered the many nights spent on the phone with him because she couldn’t sleep without nightmares, the many times he came over so she wouldn’t be alone and do something she would regret later. “Olivia!” She ignored the sound of his voice, ignored her full name – he was the only one allowed to use it but usually never did – ignored his hands on her shoulders shaking her. It was all part of an hallucination. A metaphor of her devastation. She wished it could be a nightmare she would wake up from. It would be easier to handle the death of the man who had saved her, to handle the fact that when she was given the chance to, she couldn’t save his life. She was a failure and he was gone forever. How could she ever cope with this? “Liv, please!” He was begging her now. What was she supposed to do? Ignore him, replied her reason. And she did. She shut her eyes even tighter and rocked herself faster as he was shaking her to make her leave her autistic condition. “Don’t give up on me now.” The voice was different. It should be more like an echo but it was somehow normal. The accent wasn’t the right one either. Londoner accent with a bit of Scottishness behind. It wasn’t Maxence but Tegan. She wasn’t having hallucinations. It was her new boss shaking her and calling her. And she still wasn’t reacting. “Olivia, please, look at me.” The hands moved from her shoulders to her protected face. They were cold, imprisoned into covers of latex gloves. Sterilised. Everything here was too sterilised. Even death was too clean in this place. It was oppressing and she already couldn’t breathe. Her green eyes met worried crinkled brown ones. Tegan. He was forcing her to connect back to reality but she didn’t want to. “You did everything right, Liv.” He was trying to reassure her but it was useless. She knew well that what she had done wasn’t right. It hadn’t saved Maxence. How could it be right when he was dead? She could never believe it. She could never forgive herself. “His brain was suffering from that pressure. You had no other choice.” She had had the choice. She had had the choice of doing things right for once and not screwing everything up as usual. What would Rose think of her now? She was the one who murdered her husband. “You saved his life, Olivia. You saved him.” Liv blinked at those words and she looked at Tegan for the very first time since he had been trying to reach her. How could she have saved him? Tegan was explaining her that drilling holes on his skull relieved the brain from the pressure killing him. Those holes hadn’t had any consequence. Tegan had cleaned the area and finished the improvised surgery. Maxence now had a bandage around his head and his chest was slowly rising and falling. On top of it, he had his eyes open and his hand was trying to reach hers. He was thankful that she had been there to save him. Finally, she reacted. She caught his hand, she squeezed it tight and cried harder. He was alive. She hadn’t failed. Relief filled her and this time, the tears that flowed on her cheeks were tears of happiness. But he wasn’t in the clear yet. “Mickey and Zach are installing a full medical unit in here. We’ll keep an eye on him at all time. We are very close, Liv.” Close. But close to what? Find a cure? She was losing all hope about this. Maxence wasn’t gonna hold on for too long. After his heart, it had been his brain. If it happened again, he would die. She wouldn’t be able to save him once again. “I need to run new scans on him. Can you help me?” Liv acquiesced slowly as her mind was restarting. She was trying to recover her calm but the strong emotions had her drained physically and emotionally. She would need a topper. She didn’t even know if they had any in this building. She would have to ask Rory. But first, she needed to get off this suit. The visor of her helmet was steamy and she felt claustrophobic. She needed to breathe fresh air. “Dear God, Liv! Are you alright?” Clara. Clara had run to her and Liv felt guilty for forgetting her in the numerous reasons why she had to keep on fighting, why she had to stay alive. Clara Oswald, her girlfriend, the woman she loved deeply. The brunette fell to her knees and checked for any sign of physical wounds before hugging her so tight against her that the doctor felt her lungs be purged of all their air. Tegan cleared his throat. “Clara.” “Oh. Yes. Sure. Of course. The crate’s there. We can go.” Tegan got up, leaving the two women to pull themselves back together. He unlocked the crate and opened it. Maxence was still conscious but he clearly was groggy. He wasn’t aware of what was going on and he wouldn’t like it when he would realise where they were taking him. He hadn’t liked it the first time. There was no reason for him to like it now. Tegan transferred his mentor’s body in the crate. Maxence didn’t protest or fight him. The crate was locked again with him inside and Liv and Clara helped Tegan to carry it to the scanner zone. Maxence didn’t react either when they pulled him out of the crate and lay him down on the table for the scanner. They tied him down, just in case, but he was so calm it was scary. The scan was specially to check the damages his brain might be suffering from with this attack. Liv was hiccuping when they settled down in the monitors’ room. While Tegan was busy with the machine, Clara pulled off the top of her hazmat suit and did the same for Liv. Her poor girlfriend was shaking like a leaf. She was holding on to the nerves but the latest blow in her shield had seriously rattled her. Clara was afraid she might not hold on anymore. She cupped her cheek tenderly but the doctor got no reaction. “Talk to me, Livie. Please.” Liv blinked at the sound of her girlfriend’s voice and looked up at her. She realised that she was holding back her breath when she started seeing black dots. She released it. She hadn’t noticed what she was doing, hadn’t noticed that Clara was there by her side and talking to her and touching her. She opened her mouth but no word came out. Her mind was as empty as a blank sheet. “You’ve done what you had to do. He’s okay.” “No visible damages on the scans. No more pressure on the brain. He’s in the clear for now.” It should have been relieving to Liv but she couldn’t find it in herself. For now. They were all aware that the next fit would be the last. His strengths were lessening. Their hope too. He was being obedient, wasn’t moving in the scanner but he was suffering. Tegan could see it on the scans. The pain was overwhelming him. He didn’t say it to the women. No need to add more on Liv’s shoulders. He sent the results to his computer and erased them from this monitor. “Help me bring him back and settling him down in the cage. After that, Liv, you’re off duty.” “But…” she began. “There’s no buts. I want you to rest and to have a chat with the doctor Burnley. You’ll get back to work only if she says you’re able to.” Liv wasn’t happy with that decision. She hated therapists like everyone did. Tegan couldn’t know about the past ones she had seen though. None of them had helped her like Maxence. She doubted Amy Burnley would be of any help to her but it was an order and she had to do it, even if she didn’t want to.

“Rose, you can’t keep that to yourself. You need to speak with someone.” Rose sighed but didn’t stop what she was doing. The moment they had been told that Maxence was in the clear, she had run back to her office and taken the piles of paper waiting for her. It was all the formulas Maxence and her had found so far. She had to compare them, found their flaws and sent them to Tegan for approval. It had to be done before the next day ended. Her heart was telling her that Maxence wouldn’t have the strength to fight the noctiagus any longer. “I don’t have time to speak. I have to study all of this.” “We can do both.” “No. I have to focus entirely on these papers.” “Your husband just died in this cage.” “And the fact it happened means we have less time than expected.” “I’ve seen him too.” Rose grabbed a red pen, trying to ignore Amy’s voice. She needed to work on this formula and find the reason why none of them was right. They were in something but there was that mistake somewhere that was slowing down their progress. She wouldn’t sleep or eat until she found this stupid mistake and made everything clearer. However, the therapist’s words stopped her hand before it started writing on the blank sheet of paper she had pulled out of a drawer. Sometimes writing by hand was better than any computer. “What?” Rose turned around to face Amy. Was she mocking her? It would be very unfair of her especially after what they spoke about earlier. She was in no mood for this shit. “After you ran out of the room, I saw him. His ghost. He wanted me…” Her voice trailed off. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to tell that to Rose after all. Maybe she should just shut the hell up. But now that she had started her sentence, Rose wanted to know. She was waiting for the end of that sentence and Amy was so thankful for this unexpected friendship Rose had offered her that she couldn’t ruin it all now. She bit her bottom lip nervously before she spoke again. “After my son died, I’ve prayed for him to be back in one way or another but it never happened. I kept seeing his shadow or hear echoes of his voice but that was just the manifestation of my grief.” “He died happy, knowing you loved him.” “Maybe that’s why. I’ve never found the reason but I keep looking for him everyday.” Rose dropped the pen on her desk and walked closer to Amy. She took her hand and squeezed it gently. She wanted to know what was the link with Maxence but she knew better than to bring the talk back to her. Amy really needed to let those feelings and thoughts out and speak to someone. “Before I even saw him, I knew you were speaking with him, that he was saying goodbye.” It had shattered her heart to see this and be unable of even helping. She had wished to have had this chance with her son and husband but she never had. And then, Maxence came and told her that her William was watching over her all the time. Now everything felt different and upsetting to her. She didn’t know how to deal with that. “He wanted me to take care of you, to stop you from doing something stupid. He made me promise.” “He didn’t even know you. How could he?” Rose’s voice was soft. She wasn’t judging. She was quietly listening to Amy and trying to understand the situation. She wasn’t mad at her either. She did believe her actually. “He’s met my William:” The sob in her voice was clear and Rose felt her own tears come back to her eyes. She hugged Amy and rubbed her back. The therapist was stiff in her arms but she would relax eventually. She just wasn’t used to hugs, nor was she used to have a friend. “He said my boy was watching over me, that he was happy that I was making friends.” Maxence barely knew Amy. He had never met her boy either. William never came here, in London so… it meant that Maxence really had crossed the line for a moment. That simple idea was terrifying for Rose and she had to master the overwhelming fear sneaking under her skin. Amy needed comfort as much as she did. They were all emotionally exhausted and soon enough, something tragic would happen. She could feel it in her core. If it wasn’t Maxence, then who? “Your son can be proud of you, doctor. You’re helping us all to make progress and you make some yourself. Help me find this cure and save the world, Amy, and we’ll sit down around a drink to speak about him all you want to.” Amy could have taken it wrong. The turn of Rose’s sentence could have made her think that she only wanted to get rid of her moment of sadness to work on the cure quicker. Maybe it was, but her words meant a lot to Amy. No one ever offered her to speak about her little boy. So much time had passed and she was starting to forget the features of his face despite the pictures, the sound of his voice and of his laugh despite the videos, his smell, the feeling of his skin against hers, the feeling of his arms hugging her. She swallowed her sobs. She desperately needed to speak about her little boy but he was gone. He didn’t need any saving anymore. Maxence did. The world did. So she broke the hug and rolled up the sleeves of her shirt. “Where do we start?” Rose gave her a smile but there was so much sadness in it that Amy knew she felt bad for pushing that talk to later. If Maxence’s life hadn’t been in the scales, she would have sat down and listened to her without any delay. That simple fact warmed her heart and she was even more willing to work on that cure. She didn’t have much acknowledge in the field of molecular biology but she doubted Rose would give her something that complex to her. “I’ve been such a mess lately that my notes are in disorder. Thankfully, I’ve numerated them all. Can you help me classify them?” That definitely was something she could do. Rose separated the notes in two piles and gave her one. They were halfway through their classification when they heard a knock on the door. Rose turned around and frowned when she saw Liv and Clara waiting behind the glass door. Liv still looked completely devastated and Clara was holding her lovingly against her, supporting her so she wouldn’t collapse. By the looks on their faces, Rose just knew that Liv would collapse if Clara wasn’t holding her. She saved her husband, but she also was the one who had his life between her hands. She was convinced that she had killed him when they had all seen her save him. A blow like this one had hit her right in the core and it was as hard to handle as the rape she had been a victim of fifteen years ago. “I think this is for you, doctor Burnley.” Rose unlocked the door as Amy raised her head from the notes she was reading to look at the newcomers. No explanation was necessary. She was here when the doctor Olivia Baxter confessed all her feelings while she was trying to save Maxence. She was there when she had broken down. And yet, she hadn’t thought one second that she would come to her. Liv, just like many other persons, didn’t trust therapists and preferred dealing with things by herself. But today, it was impossible. After a quick glance to Rose that silently told her that she would be fine, Amy stood up and faced Liv and Clara who had come in the office. Liv was staring at her feet. She was here against her will. It was Clara who expressed the demand for a session. “We should go to my office if you don’t mind.” Amy led the way. It was weird to go back to her office. All her sessions were in her patients’ offices lately. But they would be better in her own. She didn’t ignore the heart-breaking look on Liv’s face when they passed by the cages where Maxence had been brought back. He was now lying in his new bed, connected to many machines that were keeping him alive and giving them a better idea of his condition. And it wasn’t brilliant.

Tegan only wanted one thing at the moment: have a closer look to Maxence’s scans. He had seen and noted the most important details but he couldn’t do a proper study of those scans because he was the substitute leader of this place, of the team working on the noctiagus and he had other things to do. As bad as they were, Maxence’s scans could wait. The creation of the cure couldn’t, and that was why he was now walking to the sterile room where Myrtle Appleton was currently detained. She was the key to the whole epidemic, he was certain of that. He would make her speak and give him the results of her own researches. They would complete their researches and they would reach the goal they had all been aiming at for years. He just hoped that she wouldn’t be as unbearable as her brother. However, fate was playing that game he hated, the game where a simple task was becoming a real ordeal because of the obstacles thrown on his way. The very first of those obstacles were the couple of detectives. He had completely forgotten about them and yet, they had been the key that led him to the creator of the noctiagus. That wasn’t nothing. “I usually don’t go to people because I can’t bear their presence but you have forgotten about us and that’s quite annoying.” “You were right,” sighed Tegan. “Myrtle Appleton, that was the right name. Now I gotta go. I’ll talk to you later:” He tried to leave but Camden McCarson blocked him. He wouldn’t let him go before he had what he wanted: Tegan wasn’t in the mood for that. He had more important things to do than satisfy the ego of this detective. Donna was just observing. She wanted to know more about the situation but she also could tell it wasn’t the right moment. “Listen. I’m very thankful for the work you’re doing but we’re about to lose our patient and we have a cure to make. If you don’t mind, I have work to do.” “We found patient zero,” declared Donna as Tegan walked away. This information obviously caught his attention. Having Myrtle Appleton by close by was excellent but having the patient zero was even better. He turned around. The detectives hadn’t moved but their expression was clear: they were exulting because of his reaction to their admission. “Eugène McCoy,” added McCarson. “He was Myrtle’s husband back then. They had a kid together. A daughter. She was born with the Xeroderma Pigmentosum and died before she reached her tenth anniversary.” “Myrtle Appleton was dearly attached to her daughter. The grief drove her crazy.” “Yeah, and she started her researches.” “Where is that Eugene McCoy?” “Dead. He was one of the very first victims.” Tegan swore and walked back to Myrtle Appleton’s cell, leaving the two detectives there without a thank you. He would hear about it later but his anger was only increasing with every minute passing by. This woman was gonna hear about him and he would perhaps give her name to Rose. The woman needed to unleash her rage, to get her revenge for her sick husband. That would only be fair. He was almost there when his phone rang. With another sigh, he picked up the phone. His headache was there but forgotten, the pain in his jaw was still there too but he was ignoring it, focusing everything on his anger and distress. “Tegan Smith. Neurology.” “Doctor Smith, we have a problem.” Rory’s voice. If a member of the security was calling him on this line, it meant that it was important. There wasn’t any alarm so it surely wasn’t a major problem. The trouble with hope in those times was that it was easy to shatter, and Rory’s voice was enough for Tegan to understand that it wasn’t a minor problem. “Can’t it wait?” “I don’t think so.” “What’s going on?” “We found a dead body in one of the labs.” “Who it is?” Tegan’s chest tightened. A bad feeling was overwhelming him now. A death. In the labs. Who could it be? Was it the virus? Had it spread to the whole building? The frightening list of responsibilities that would come after that was giving him anxiety. “Adam Mitchell, sir. It’s a suicide.” “Are you sure about this?” “Yes, sir. What do we do?” Tegan honestly didn’t know. He had never been in this situation. Now, he could add the guilt to the long list of his emotions. What if Adam had made it because of his decision? He was so young… What would he tell his parents if they were still alive? How would he deal with this death in the building?

To be continued...

×××

In the next chapter:

The neurologist left the office, his guts completely knotted and his headache definitely worse than earlier. He was dreaming of a good night of sleep but that wouldn’t be before a while. He rushed to the sterile room that was keeping Myrtle Appleton prisoner. His mental image of the scientist was shattered by the actual being. He had never met her before, nor had he read her works. He knew the name but not the face but he had expected her to kinda look like Colin, almost like evil twins. But Myrtle didn’t look anything like him. Less serious, more eccentric, but she had that spark of cold intelligence in her eyes. But she looked more “human”, more manipulable than her brother.

×××

|| Next >

English version:

AO3 || FF || TS || Wattpad.

#doctor who #ninth doctor #rose tyler #tenth doctor #jack harkness #doctor x rose #ghost of you #dwfic #dwau

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phantom-le6 · 3 years

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Episode Reviews - Star Trek: The Next Generation Season 3 (4 of 6)

This is now the fourth round of Star Trek: The Next Generation episode reviews for the show’s third season, and it kicks off with one of my all-time favourite Trek episodes…

Episode 16: The Offspring

Plot (as adapted from Wikipedia):

Data invites Deanna Troi, Wesley Crusher and Geordi La Forge to the Enterprise science lab and surprises them by introducing a featureless humanoid android, whom he created based on his own structural design and recent advances in Federation cybernetics technology, describing it as his child, who he names Lal (Hindi for “beloved”). Captain Picard, being informed about Lal, expresses concern to Data for constructing Lal in secrecy, but Data reminds him that he would not express such concern were two human crewmembers to decide to procreate, to which the captain has little argument. Data encourages Lal to select a gender and appearance. With Troi's assistance and considering many of the on-board species as well as the databanks, Lal narrows down to four possibilities, including a Klingon male, which, as Troi points out, would make it "a friend for Worf", but in the end selects the appearance of a young female human.

Data first aids Lal with cognitive and standard behavioural algorithms, as well as encouraging her to interact with other members of the crew to learn behavioural and social customs. After a failed attempt to place her in school, due to the younger children being intimidated by her and the older children too socially advanced for her, he places her under Guinan's care at Ten Forward. This leads to some awkward moments, such as Lal misunderstanding the concept of flirting and kissing, which she first interpreted as "attacking" until Guinan makes an effort at explaining the practice. Intrigued by this, Lal engages in suddenly dragging and kissing Commander Riker over the bar, leaving him baffled and earning him a fatherly scolding à la "What are your intentions towards my daughter?" when Data walks in on them. Lal nevertheless adapts very quickly, even, to everyone's amazement, surpassing Data as stated by her ability to use verbal contractions, something Data has never achieved.

Meanwhile, Picard, as per general orders, reports to Starfleet, prompting Admiral Haftel to arrive to evaluate Lal. From the outset, Haftel is determined to transfer Lal to a Starfleet science facility. He interviews Lal, where she reveals her desire to remain on the Enterprise with her father, but Haftel is unmoved. Upon leaving the meeting, Lal visits Troi in the counselor's quarters. Lal is clearly confused and distraught, and to Troi's amazement, reveals that she is feeling fear. Experiencing an overload of information and emotions, Lal soon stops speaking and wanders off, eventually returning to Data's lab, something she is programmed to do in the event of a malfunction.

In the meantime, Haftel meets with Data and orders him to release Lal into Starfleet's custody. Though Data moves to comply, Picard orders him to stand fast and reminds him and the Admiral that Data is a sentient life form with defined rights and cannot be ordered to turn what is in essence his child over to the state. But before the discussion can get any more tense, they are interrupted by a call from Troi who explains what has happened to Lal and asks everyone to come to Data's lab at once.

Upon arriving, Data's diagnostics find Lal's emotional outburst is a symptom of a cascade failure in her positronic brain, and they must work fast to stop it. Seeing Data's sincerity, Haftel offers to assist Data, and he accepts. Sometime later, a worn-out Haftel leaves the lab and informs Troi, Wesley, and Geordi that they have failed. Visibly moved at Data's determination to save his child, Haftel explains the failure was irreparable. He is visibly overwhelmed himself, concluding that Lal will not survive for long. Data apologizes to Lal that he could not save her, but Lal thanks Data for her creation. She lets him know she loves him and will feel the emotion for both of them. Data returns to the bridge, and Picard conveys the crew's condolences, but Data reveals that he has downloaded Lal's memories into his own neural net, allowing Lal's memories and experiences to live on.

Review:

This episode stands out from the rest of TNG for many reasons. For one thing, it’s the directorial debut of cast member Jonathan Frakes, sparking off a litany of Trek actors breaking into directing through their respective franchises, some of whom have since gone on to direct other TV shows and feature films. Frakes himself even went on to direct two of TNG’s four feature films when the TV show concluded, though some of his work outside of Trek leaves a little to be desired (a key example being his live-action film incarnation of Thunderbirds).

However, the main reasons for the episode to stand out spring from the story of the episode itself. Data creating a child is a brilliant idea on the surface just for exploring the idea of what it might be like for mechanical life-forms to reproduce. As far as I know, no other sci-fi franchise has really looked into this concept, or if they have, they haven’t necessarily explored it quite the way that TNG does. However, Trek is also about relating aspects of our present-day life and the issues therein to the audience through the metaphor of its future setting. Where Data is concerned, fan interpretation has made him into a metaphor for certain aspects of life as an autistic person, and while that comes through for both him and Lal in this episode, there are other metaphorical representations to be drawn as well.

The incorporation of the Admiral Haftel character and Data’s status as a de facto single parent, combined with his autism-like traits, presents a kind of metaphor for the misapplication of social care intervention. Doubtless at the time of this episode’s production, in our present day and for all the years before, in-between and after, there will be some people who believe that where a child is being raised by a parent who is differently abled, single or both, that child should be removed from the parent and placed in care of some kind. When Picard points out that Haftel is basically ordering a father to hand his child over to the state, this cements Haftel’s principal role as an analogue for the closed-minded social worker who judges the parent not on their actions, but solely for being single and/or differently abled, and who makes his decision on those grounds without any regard to what father or child want or how they’re actually doing.

Now while I acknowledge that not every parent who is single or differently abled could cope with being a parent, the reality is there are also parents who are married and regularly abled and can’t cope with parenthood either. The reality is being a good or bad parent is about doing the best you can to meet your child’s basic needs, and in this regard, it is actions and not labels that define a good parent. Data’s actions throughout the episode are those of someone genuinely trying their best to do the right thing for their child, and Haftel ultimately comes around to acknowledging this when Data has to try and act to save Lal’s life.

It’s also interesting to watch Lal for what little time she gets in the world of TNG, because while Data is the focus of the episode, Lal has some great moments as another autism analogue. The difficulty she has fitting in at school is an apt analogy of how western education fails, back in the early 1990’s and now, to effectively educate the differently abled in general and autistic children in particular. From a social skills standpoint, Lal is well behind for someone who appears to be a young woman, yet academically she is highly intelligent, and cannot fit in with any given age group. In turn, her difficulty understanding concepts of flirting and romantic/sexual attraction emulate how incredibly difficult and horrible it can be for autistic teenagers and adults in real life to navigate the same sort of challenges.

The simple fact is this episode is brilliantly performed, wonderfully multi-faceted and also includes some great moments in terms of accepting being different, taking a gender/sexuality-neutral approach to teaching Lal about love, and for parents of the very young there’s a great little scene where Data has deal with Lal going through an infinite array of ‘why’ questions. This episode is funny, tragic, thought-provoking, and just generally everything Trek should be. The fact it’s a bottle episode born out of a need to balance the show budget after the expense of ‘Yesterday’s Enterprise’ proves two final points. First, TNG learns from the abysmal ‘Shades of Grey’ episode and upped its game for bottle episodes. Two, a great story on a low budget is better than an ok story going over-budget. Score for this one is a clear-cut 10 out of 10.

Episode 17: Sins of the Father

Plot (as adapted from Wikipedia):

As part of an officer exchange program, Klingon Commander Kurn has requested to be placed aboard the Enterprise as first officer. His harsh Klingon command style aggravates the crew, though he takes it easy on fellow Klingon Lieutenant Worf. Worf confronts Kurn about this alone, prompting Kurn to reveal he is Worf's younger brother. When the rest of Worf's family left to the Khitomer colony, he was left with Lorgh, a friend of their father Mogh. Kurn was raised as Lorgh's son, unaware until recently that Worf had survived the Khitomer massacre. Kurn tells Worf that Mogh is being charged posthumously as a traitor in the Kitomer massacre by Duras, the son of Mogh's rival, which will mar the Mogh family name for generations. Worf requests an urgent leave of absence to defend his father's honor. Captain Picard believes that Worf's actions as a Starfleet officer in his father's defence will reflect on the Enterprise and Starfleet, and directs the Enterprise to the Klingon homeworld so they may monitor the events. En route, Kurn volunteers to be Worf's Cha'DIch, a second to stand with Worf during the challenge. Worf agrees, but warns Kurn to not reveal his bloodline just yet.

At the High Council, Duras reveals evidence of Mogh sending Khitomer's defense codes to the Romulans. Worf challenges this, but is told privately by the aging K'mpec, the Klingon Chancellor, to drop the challenge and return to the Federation. Worf discusses this curious request with Picard, who also finds it strange and orders his crew to examine the evidence. Meanwhile, Duras has ambushed Kurn, aware of his true bloodline, and attempts to get him to betray Worf. Kurn refuses and is seriously wounded in the ensuing fight, no longer able to support Worf in front of the Council. Picard accepts Worf's request to take Kurn's place.

The Enterprise crew finds evidence that the Khitomer logs have been modified and soon discover one more survivor of the massacre, Worf's nurse Kahlest. Picard is able to convince Kahlest to help Worf’s challenge; she knows Mogh was loyal to the Klingon Empire but does not know who the true traitor was. Picard brings Kahlest to the High Council and bluffs that she knows who the true traitor was, starting a heated dispute that is sure to end in needless bloodshed. Infuriated and as a means to halt the bickering, K'mpec calls Worf, Picard, Duras, and Kahlest into his private quarters and reveals the truth; the Council is well aware that Duras's father was the Khitomer traitor, but exposure of this, given Duras's high political position and capital, would certainly lead to an unwanted civil war within the already trouble-stricken Empire. The Council only accepted Duras's charge of treason against Mogh believing that Worf would not challenge it due to his Federation citizenship. To prevent further upheaval, K'mpec imparts that the Council will condemn Worf and Kurn, but Picard refuses to let this blatant injustice stand, thus creating a situation that could end the Klingon-Federation alliance. Worf, seeing what restoring his family's honor may cost, steps in and says he understands what he needs to do, that the only course of action for Worf is to accept a discommendation, tantamount to admitting his father's guilt. In exchange, the knowledge of the proceedings, including Kurn's true bloodline, will be undisclosed. Back in the council, all of the assembled Klingons, including a reluctant Kurn, ceremonially turn their back to Worf in disgrace, and he and Picard silently leave the hall.

Review:

This is probably the most influential episode of Next Generation in two key areas. First, a lot of what is now accepted canon regarding the Klingons, including showing their home world and the immortal line “today is a good day to die” are established here. Second, it’s the first episode to end in such a way that a follow-up story was virtually demanded, putting TNG on the path to ending its obsession with isolated one-shot episodes. By extension, it also made the eventual spin-off shows of Deep Space Nine and Voyager possible; neither of those shows could have enjoyed the great season-long/series-long story arcs that made them if TNG hadn’t first opened itself up to that same kind of story arc.

It’s a great Worf episode that nicely compensates for the lack of any issue exploration with how well if fleshes out Worf’s backstory and the Klingon race in general. It’s well-acted, and Tony Todd does a great job playing the role of Worf’s younger brother Kurn for the first time. The only downside is the lack of issue exploration means I’m not getting as much to talk about with this episode, but then I had more than enough to go at there with the previous episode. Overall, I give this episode 9 out of 10.

Episode 18: Allegiance

Plot (as adapted from Wikipedia):

Captain Picard, while sleeping in his quarters on the Enterprise after the successful completion of a mission, is abducted by an unknown device. He finds himself in a cell with two other prisoners: Starfleet Academy Cadet Haro from Bolarus IX; and civil servant Kova Tholl from Mizar II. They are later joined by the violent Esoqq from Chalnoth. While they have meager beds and facilities, their only source of nutrition is provided by a tasteless rubbery disk, which Esoqq is unable to eat. He moves toward Tholl as though to eat him, but Picard is able to dissuade Esoqq temporarily. Picard attempts to learn why the four of them have been abducted but can find no connection. Picard organizes Haro and Esoqq to attempt to break the lock on the only door to the cell. Initially foiled by a stun beam when they tamper with the controls, they manage to override the beam and then defeat the door's security, only to find a blank wall behind it.

Meanwhile, on the Enterprise, a doppelgänger of Picard has taken his place, ordering the ship to delay a scheduled rendezvous with another ship and travel slowly to a nearby pulsar. En route, Picard's double exhibits behaviour that the senior crew begins to question, such as showing romantic interest in Dr Crusher, as well as engaging the crew in singing "Heart of Oak", the official march of the Royal Navy, in Ten Forward. Upon reaching the pulsar, Picard's double orders the ship to be moved closer, potentially exposing the crew to lethal radiation. Commander Riker and the rest of the bridge crew refuse to follow his orders, effectively removing him from command due to his perceived unfitness for duty.

After discovering the false door in the cell, the real Picard deduces that Haro is not who she claims to be, as she knows details of a secret Starfleet mission that are unavailable to Academy cadets. Picard observes that the four different alien captives and the tightly controlled setting are suggestive of some kind of experiment: Tholl, the collaborator who goes along with whoever is in charge; Esoqq, typical for his species, a violent anarchist who rejects any kind of authority; Haro, the cadet, sworn to obey orders without question; and Picard, a leader, trained to command. Haro reveals herself to be not a Bolian, but a member an unidentified alien species. She reverts to her natural form and is joined by a second such alien; the two have been studying the concept of authority and leadership, as their race lacks hierarchical authority structures as humans and other races do. Because the captives' knowledge of the experiment has now made it impossible to continue collecting data on their natural behavior, the aliens return Picard, Tholl, and Esoqq to their respective original locations.

Aboard the Enterprise, Picard's double is also revealed to be of the same alien species, all members of which are in constant telepathic contact, which the aliens remark is far superior to the vocal communication used by the beings aboard the Enterprise. When Picard criticizes them for engaging in kidnapping and assault, the aliens express ignorance of the morality Picard espouses, and indicate that they will need to study this concept further. However, Picard uses a series of nonverbal cues to direct his crew to trap them within a force field, causing the aliens to panic as they are unable to bear captivity. After a few moments, he releases the field and allows them to go free, but warns them not to abduct others again.

Review:

This was apparently a second bottle episode that, in conjunction with ‘The Offspring’, was to off-set the over-spend used on ‘Yesterday’s Enterprise’. It’s also the first in a pair of Picard-centric episodes that go back-to-back but don’t inter-connect beyond who they focus on. According to notes on the Memory Alpha wiki, we’re supposed to getting inside Picard’s head a bit by having the real Picard getting landed in an alien race’s equivalent of a rat maze, while a Picard double conducts his own kind of experiment on the Enterprise, acting on aspects of Picard’s personality we don’t normally get to see. A key example of this is the Picard double acting on the real Picard’s past with, and attraction to, Beverly Crusher in a way the real Picard can’t.

In this sense, the episode is interesting, but falls flat in other areas. Not only do we not get to really learn what the aliens have learned from their study of leadership and authority, but when Picard temporarily imprisons two of them near the end of the episode, he claims imprisonment is an assault regardless of justification. I’m sorry, but the Enterprise has a brig, a ship’s jail, to imprison people who misbehave, and it’s been used twice this season already. Imprisonment is not an assault unless it is mis-used. What Picard should have been objecting to was abduction and being experimented on, not being imprisoned. The former would have made sense and been right, while the latter makes him look like a totally bloody hypocrite. Clearly this aspect of the episode was not well thought through, and as such I give this episode a meagre 6 out of 10.

Episode 19: Captain’s Holiday

Plot (as adapted from Wikipedia):

Strongly pressured by the crew of the Enterprise, Captain Picard reluctantly agrees to take a vacation on Risa, a pleasure planet. Shortly after he arrives, he is kissed by a woman he has never met, in her attempt to fend off a Ferengi named Sovak. Sovak accuses Picard of conspiring with the woman, Vash, who has in her possession a data disc that he wants. Picard has no interest in the quarrel and returns to his room to discover two "Vorgons" who identify themselves as time-traveling police agents from the 27th century, searching for a powerful weapon called the Tox Uthat capable of stopping the fusion reactions of a star. The 27th-century scientist who invented it travelled back in time to hide it. According to their historical records, Picard will locate this object on Risa.

Picard confronts Vash about the Tox Uthat. She claims to be the former assistant of an archaeologist who discovered the location of the Uthat, gave her the disc for safekeeping, and died. Picard and Vash use the information on the disc to determine the Uthat's hiding place. When they arrive at the location where the Uthat is buried, the Vorgons appear to witness the discovery of the Uthat. Sovak then arrives with a phaser rifle and has Picard and Vash excavate the site at gunpoint for hours. However, the Uthat is not there. The Vorgons leave, confused because this doesn't line up with their historical record. Sovak, in his obsession, refuses to believe that the Uthat isn't there, throws away the rifle, and starts digging while Vash and Picard return to the resort.

After their arrival, the Enterprise returns to pick up Picard. He catches Vash attempting to sneak away from the resort and surmises that she arrived days earlier, located the Uthat, and devised a ruse to fool Sovak into thinking the Uthat was lost. She reveals the hidden Uthat and the Vorgons reappear, demanding it. When Vash suggests that the Vorgons may have ulterior motives, Picard has the Enterprise use the transporter to destroy it. The disappointed Vorgons reveal that Picard has acted just as their records said by destroying the Uthat, admit defeat, and leave. Vash and Picard have a final intimate exchange before they say goodbye to each other.

Review:

This is the second Picard episode on the trot, and if you can bear with the interminable period between Picard’s arrival on Risa and him teaming up with Vash where he’s being very stiff and stubborn, not to mention guest actor Max Grodénchick’s character of Soval being the typical irksome Ferengi, then it’s a good episode. It’s got an interesting Picard-as-Indiana-Jones vibe to it, and apparently this was born out of Patrick Stewart noting his character had a lack of combat and seduction scenes, something this episode nicely compensates for. Part of this is done through the character of Vash, who makes a great foil for Picard from a romantic, moral and intellectual standpoint, and it’s fun to see the two of them together in this episode. Another part of it is the introduction of the pleasure planet Risa, which Trek returns to a few times in later episodes/series.

According to Memory Alpha, Gene Roddenberry was a major fan of the idea of Risa, and he wanted some same-sex couples in the background of the Risa resort scenes, echoing an idea Whoopi Goldberg had for ‘The Offspring’ regarding Guinan teaching Lal about flirting and romance. However, both times the other show-runners nixed this because back then network censors would never approve anything like that. Doubtless this is why Trek’s first same-sex kiss, and indeed one of the first lesbian kisses on TV ever, didn’t occur until the Deep Space Nine episode ‘Rejoined’, about five-and-a-half years after this episode. Have to say, this is the first time in a while where Roddenberry’s ideas about a TNG episode sound like good ideas to me.

My only real criticism of the episode beyond Picard’s initial scenes on Risa and Sovak’s initial scenes generally, and the network nixing of Roddenberry’s wishes, is the lack of any explanation for what the Risian custom of jamaharon. Throughout this episode and all subsequent uses of Risa in Trek, there is mention of people seeking this by displaying a Risian symbol of sexuality known as a horga'hn, but no one ever explicitly states the meaning of the word. Now granted, explaining anything connected to sexuality in the world of Trek could be seen as something TV just can’t allow, or at least not back when TNG first brought Risa to TV audiences, but I would think given the supposedly enlightened nature of the world of Trek, someone somewhere could have defined the meaning of this term more explicitly somewhere, even if it was just in some sort of tie-in literature. After all, there’s been plenty of other tie-in media, such as publishing the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition. Somehow, I think a tie-in book covering everything about a pleasure planet like Risa, including what jamaharon means, would not be an unreasonable idea. My score for this one is 7 out of 10.

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adventures-in-asexuality · 7 years

Note

Going off some tags of yours from like a week ago, if you had the opportunity to get a (secondhand) manual wheelchair for free, would you do so? Would there be any features which are dealbreakers? Or are there reasons against a wheelchair other than cost or would only a motorised wheelchair be of use or something else (you don't have to specify)?

This is gonna be pretty long - I appreciate that you said I didn’t have to specify, but some of this is something I think about a lot, so posting about it might be helpful.

So like: the most immediate dealbreaker (but also the most fixable) is that right now I would probably have to store a wheelchair in my room, which would mean carrying it up and down the stairs every time I used it, which would be... a little counterproductive. Once I have a flat, hopefully I will have some ground floor storage (and this is a good reminder that I should think about this in picking flats, actually, so thanks!).

In a kindly gifted free chair, probably I would say that dealbreakers for the chair itself would be major fit problems - say, it’s made for a twelve-year-old and I can’t actually sit down, or it’s made for someone tall and the seat is too deep for me to sit and bend my legs at the same time. There are a lot of other fit issues for chairs - and I don’t even know them all, of course, but I know that they exist - that would make using a chair full-time a bad idea, but for one that was free and just appeared I would mostly say no for something that meant I could never use it, not even for emergencies, please give it to someone who actually can.

Reasons against a wheelchair other than cost - there sure are.

A big one, which is weird and probably some sort of internalised ableism, but also pragmatism, is that I’m worried how it’d affect people’s perceptions of me. It’s not really mindblowing to say that people are gonna think less of you if you’re in a chair, that you’re gonna have to struggle more to be taken seriously. I’m already visibly female, visibly autistic, questionably visibly queer (largely that I Can’t Do Gender Right, although people do extrapolate that to ‘not interested in men’) and now walking with a cane, and I’m really conscious that this majorly affects how people view me and my credibility, and also really conscious that I currently don’t have a local support network and so I cannot borrow anyone else’s credibility. (There’s a reason a lot of Wheelchair Fantasies involve me living with other people - it’s shit that if you go somewhere with an abled person and they repeat everything you say, they’ll get listened to, but while that’s the way of the world we’ve gotta figure out how to live in it.)

Examples of what this looks like are: will my doctor take me seriously, or will they just think I’m faking and dumb? Will my work take me seriously, or will they unconsciously dismiss me and edge me out of things? When I need to look for a new job, will I be able to get one, or will people see me in interviews and subconsciously decide ‘nope’? When I need to rent a flat, will I be able to, or will landlords decide I’d be too much work or a bad tenant? All of these and more are already major concerns, and I’m worried about making them even bigger.

And like... I do know that people do deal with this every day and it’s not the end of the world. I know it might seem weird to write about as a Concern, and I don’t mean to be weird about other people’s experiences or dismiss them or anything. It just does bother me.

Another, and simpler, reason is accessibility. Wheelchair accessibility: it’s shit. I am concerned about losing my access to shops, to ATMs, to checkouts. I am concerned about losing my access to transportation (and therefore work) altogether: there are routinely two or more buggies taking up the wheelchair space on buses here, and are they really going to get out or make space for me? I am concerned about getting around at work: it’d be mostly possible, I think, but would it be feasible, or would I be constantly annoying people and taking forever to get anywhere, and therefore taking yet another hit to my credibility (as well as just, y’know, having problems).

And like, again, I know this is a problem people do deal with, it’s survivable. But is it a good tradeoff? I don’t know yet.

You mentioned powerchairs: if all my shit continued to progress the way it is at the moment and I did start using a chair, it would probably have to be a powerchair. My shoulders/back/wrists are just as fucked up as my hips/knees/ankles, so using a manual wheelchair instead of walking would just be shifting the pain and fatigue to a different place. Potentially useful for emergencies, but not a fulltime solution.

(I’d also personally probably want a powerchair, because then I’d be able to go places without dying of exhaustion and pain. Like, wouldn’t that be so exciting? To just be able to go out and do stuff, without restricting your movement as much as possible, because you’ve got to save your energy for ADLs and work and you don’t have enough energy for those? Not to have walking to the bus stop or around a shop be a really difficult and considered plan? To even potentially be able to meet friends or go outside for non-essential things? Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh.)

Also, if I was gonna use a wheelchair for any significant fraction of the time, I would absolutely need to figure out how to find one that fit me. My everything is already fucked up, and I really don’t want to fuck it up more by using an ill-fitting chair for more than emergency use. (What am I thinking of as emergencies? I guess things like ‘shit, my leg won’t bear my weight but I’ve still gotta do XYZ’ or other annoying/painful leg-related things.)

This turned out even longer than I thought, wow. Short answer: I would probably gladly take it if I had somewhere to store it and it wasn’t unusable, and there are a fuckton of other concerns.

#wheelchair saga #there is a garage here #but it has... a large step down to it #and then there are steps UP to the front door #stop putting steps everywhere!!!!#also yes I have wheelchair fantasies. that's probably a bad sign #Anonymous

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purementalhealth-blog · 7 years

Text

Autism’s Awfully Inevitable Illness

Imagine growing up with a disability which gives you an 80% chance of having mental health problems before you turn 18. Imagine growing up with a disability in which only 16% of adults with the condition are in full-time work long after turning 18. Imagine growing up being told these statistics knowing you are different, you are unlikely to succeed, and your permanent condition means there's little you can do to change it.

That's what the numbers tell those of us young people with an Autism Spectrum Disorder, that having Aspergers Syndrome or Autism will limit our lives in a way that means we'll never be like those we grow up with. In a way however we sadly already know this, as more than 75% of us admit we've been bullied at school, more than 50% of us have experienced discrimination in the workplace, whilst 22% of us feel right now we have absolutely no friends at all.

As a 21 year-old guy with ASD, I'll admit I'm a bit tired of being a statistic. I was diagnosed with Aspergers aged 10, then depression and anxiety aged 17, before quickly losing my first adult job a few years later and ending up in hospital for a number of months due to self-harming, suicide attempts, and all of the above. It was an experience I was constantly told no one should have to go through, but ultimately the percentages saw it coming.

One thing I'll always hammer home about those of us with Autism is that we are all different, we are all individuals, so why is it that we all share so much in common when it comes to suffering with mental health difficulties? They're supposedly unrelated conditions, yet for those of us with an ASD diagnoses, we can be 80% sure one day we'll get a mental health issue diagnosed with it. Mental illness isn't Spotify Premium or a copy of the Daily Telegraph, it shouldn't automatically come free alongside anything, especially not an already difficult to deal with disability.

It's hard then to argue that the cause of the unhappy Autism and mental health marriage isn't simply society itself. The 80% who admitted to also experiencing mental health problems were all young individuals, boys and girls who haven't even had the chance to fully experience what life has to offer. For those of us young people, school and university life is pretty much all we know so far, and we all know what a toxic environment the world of education can be to anyone on the Autism Spectrum.

Schools nowadays often lose sight of the individual, usually in the ruthless chase for exam results and league table positions. Teachers are rarely trained to provide the often small-scale but essential additional support for children with Autism, especially those in mainstream schools where three-quarters of those with the condition attend.

Behaviours caused by the condition, or simple misunderstandings, are so often punished in the classroom. Children on the spectrum struggle with social rules because of their disability, so to be punished because they don't follow these rules is both ludicrous and hugely damaging for a child. A child in a wheelchair would not be reprimanded for being slow getting to class, so a youngster with Autism should never be criticised for being slow to understand a teacher's demands.

It's not just teachers either, as the difficulty in fitting in and making friends with other students offers often the biggest challenge to young people growing up with ASD. Being 'different' is rarely a positive amongst your classmates, and it's easy to feel excluded, on the outside, and like you are the odd one out of all of them.

Growing up becomes a battle with your self-esteem, an area so incredibly entwined with our mental health. For me the problems grew the more I disliked myself, the more I felt I was a failure for not making friends or not surviving in the classroom. Autism often causes huge problems when dealing with different emotions, and throughout school and university I struggled with intense feelings I rarely had under control.

I felt jealousy at my peers that they could enjoy things I couldn't, anger at my disability that was stopping me doing these, and shame at myself for constantly feeling this way. Hatred of oneself, a difficulty in expressing feelings and emotions, it's easy for these to turn ugly and lead to outbursts, self-harm, and sometimes worse.

Depression is a complex illness, but I know that so much of mine was exasperated by constant self-loathing, whilst not being able to go out and enjoy the supposedly enjoyable social elements which dominate teenage life. Events such as parties and nights out were a sensory nightmare, with too much going on, too much noise, putting me on a constant edge of anxiety and panic. Struggling to relate to people left me lacking any strong relationships, whether social, professional or romantic. Yes I found it difficult to talk to girls, but then again I found it difficult to talk to boys, and teachers, and my family, and pretty much anyone either in person or online.

A life with a disability that impairs communication skills is a fairly lonely one. However to assume because we often keep ourselves to ourselves we're all 'loners' or quite happy on our own is completely wrong and misguided. We have desires to be social and outgoing just as much as any other young person, but the anxiety and difficulties that come alongside make this incredibly challenging.

This anxiety can often overwhelm our lives, given the world now currently requires so much connection with others to get through it. It's not a world yet adapted to support those with Autism. At school you take exams with strict time limits, despite having a disability that slows down your ability to process information. These school exams are in order to help you get a job, but only with a job interview, another process requiring quick thinking, good social skills, and the capability of overcoming any anxiety, in this case a full-blown anxiety disorder.

Statistics around Autism and mental health may seem shocking to those on the outside, but anyone who's worked with or lived with the disability knows the difficulties and challenges faced by people with ASD every single day, and that currently there is little being done to set changes into motion.

However despite all this, I and many others are determined to help give everyone on the Autistic Spectrum the opportunities required in life. Support that can give us the helping hand we need to stand alongside those we often assume we can only look up to, and assistance needed to prevent the supposed 700,000 of us living in the UK with the condition being consigned to the expectations of both society and the media.

For all those without the condition, taking the time to offer that additional support you would likely provide to someone with a 'visible' disability, to someone with Autism, can make all the difference that's needed. Whether that's allowing extra time to process information, allowing space in social situations, or simply communicating with that person and asking how they, as an individual, would like to be helped.

For those on the Spectrum anxious about the future, I want to instil a sense of belief that I know many of us lack. The truth is every day we overcome our condition in so many different ways, and throughout our lives we've achieved things a diagnosis of Autism says we probably shouldn't be able to do. We spend a lot of time proving people wrong, so there's little to stop us doing this throughout the rest of our lives, taking it a step further every time.

It took me many years of self-doubt, once being someone overwhelmed by public transport, busy cities, or talking to anyone I didn't know. However I'm now a person with Autism who commutes into London on busy trains, before giving speeches to people I've never met. I'm a person with Autism who loves proving everyone, and that especially includes myself, well and truly wrong.

Self-belief, self-esteem, and mental health are completely intertwined. For anyone with Autism they're a constant battle to overcome. However with the right support, and the right opportunities given to take the fight to them, they can be the things that push you towards a real chance in life.

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probsautistic · 4 years

Text

Meltdown

NOTE: this was initially written on one of my private blogs 2-1-2020. I felt it would be appropriate to include here, since this is an autism-focused blog.

TW/CW around: self-inflicted harm mentions, abuse/bullying/trauma mentions

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So two days ago was really hard. I had a shit day at work, running around the entire day. I sat at my desk for maybe an hour that day. I was embarrassed because at one point I wasn't reading the cue that I needed to leave so I was awkwardly dismissed. I had lunch later than usual. I didnt get anything done.

I get home, take all my stuff off. Bun (my partner) is watching speedruns on youtube, and this guy is going so fast through this game that theres this constant “ping”. I’m working on a book idea, so I’m writing in my phone. But I cant get comfortable. The small lights in the room feel bright. Even though I’m wearing half my clothes, I'm starting to overheat and sweat. Everything feels so, so loud and suddenly its like I’m not.. there anymore? I want to tell her I’m hungry, because she mentioned it earlier but I couldn't get it out. I want to tell her everything feels so bright and so much, but I can't. The games pinging just keeps going. I start fighting the urge to hit myself in the face and cover my eyes. It feels like I’m watching this from inside of myself.

And it's like I cant stop.

She tries to ask me whats wrong but I can only whine and curl up. I shove my face into the pillow to block my eyes. I'm frustrated that i cant talk, I dont know what's going on. The urge to hit myself gets stronger. I dont know whats wrong. It panics me, terrifies me.

I don't even know how but she gets me to calm down. I think food and water. I remember I snapped at her when she asked me something about a type of food I could eat. I feel bad about that later. But she makes me soft seasoned french fries and she reminds me that I’m safe. She gets me in some cozier pjs. I get something on my shirt and start crying. She tells me she won't let anything bad happen to me and turns on True (really cute animated kids show on netflix), and that calms me down some. I'm still crying on and off for the rest of the evening.

At some point she asks me what happened, and I cant talk but I text it out to her. I tell her how everything felt so much all at once and that suddenly I couldn't talk, and it was like watching myself from the inside, like taking a backseat. I feel ashamed that she had to take care of me. I feel terrified that this happened and I didn’t understand how or why or what to do. Just that I had to sit through it until it was over. My whole body was exhausted. I was exhausted and sad. I apologized over and over, and she told me to thank her instead. So I thanked her over and over.

I never want to be a burden. I can be childish sometimes, and sure I have other issues, but this literally terrified me. I haven't had such a strong reaction in so long. I remember times where in the dorms she had to stop me from hitting my legs when things became too much, and how exhausted my breakdowns (at least that's what I called them) would leave me. How much i'd cry. How draining it is.

I try to connect back to my childhood, see if I can understand. But I dont. I cant. It's all so blurry now. Yesterday before I went to bed I had this visceral memory of being in middle school and having the most visceral urge to beat my head repeatedly into doors or walls when things got rough. But I just thought that was because I was miserable with my ex-stepdad and his abuse. and thinking about all the times I was gullible enough to listen to a “friend” at school, only to be fucked over, manipulated, and made fun of. How I didn't understand why people didn't want to be friends with me, why I was so “weird”. How I get so much more overwhelmed than others so much faster. I wish I remembered more about my childhood, about how I behaved. I try to ask my family but they're always so vague. It just makes me wonder how much of this stuff showed up in my childhood. (And this isn't even including food/texture weirdness or my inability to know how loud/soft I'm talking!)

I thought maybe it was my interests, or my visible health conditions, but maybe it was just… Me. After looking at some stuff my younger sister (she's 10) does, I was like “oh maybe shes autistic”. But that opened up this whole different can of worms- maybe I’m autistic. I went to google after what happened and everything I was finding was in relation to sensory overload meltdowns in autistic people.

And then the other part of me is like… Am I faking it? Am I only doing these things because I’ve seen them irl or know what they are now to better fit that criteria?

Bun says I'm not faking it, and I dont.. I dont think I am. Not after the other day. That was genuinely one of the most terrifying experiences of my life simply because I couldn't stop myself. And then I was left with all of this guilt and shame around it happening and being a burden and not being able to control myself. Fakers don't feel like that. Fakers search for validation as it's happening, and I seeked no validation. I just wanted everything to stop being so much… I could say afterwards, in the midst of my crying, was just how scary and how much everything felt.

Im not.. Im not sure what this means for me. Or for my life. I just.. I guess I just wanted to share this. Not only for the sake of vulnerability, but also I'm just... I'm trying to figure out whats going on. but its also really scary. I'm not sure what sort of answers I'll get, but.. I just.. I dont know. I have a lot of mixed emotions around this, it only felt right to write it down.

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