#i wanted to say idk why i even trapped myself like that but i was literally helplessly in love with a straight dude

[oscill4te]

everything always peaks me. then im on the other side, see so much hostility, just as bad as what peaked me, and its like nvm. damn. oscillation at its finest.....

#i made a post like this before but i fell into a very bad trap where i just ranted about “both sides” and thats never really helpful #i think there is just a lot of “us VS them” in this world. no one is ever willing to hear others out. they just look at characteristics #of yours and make broad assumptions about you. #i dont know. i feel like everyone in my generation is so willing to jump for your throat these days for different opinions #its their right of course; but i dont know. its like if you have even a slightly different opinion on something; you cant discuss it 2gethe #i want to meet some other fellow normies man; idk #and i say that as someone who isnt really “normal” in most peoples eyes #but i can chill and talk with ppl who have diff opinions from me as long as... they arent super hostile and think in black&white... #mostly feminism and lgbt stuff im talking abt here but yeah. i just want this world to be safe for women & lgbt+ folks yknow #i base a lot of my opinions on that #im trying to just. not care anymore. im just a human at the end of the day and so is everyone else #everything feels so black and white. i just want to belong somewhere. i dont know. #my parts all have different opinions on things so i never have a stable stance on anything #i just try to have compassion and reduce my cognitive dissonance as much as possible #that led me to veganism. lgbt rights. feminism. but even within these groups there is so much hate and fighting #i cant pretend i dont fall into the black and white thinking but i always actively try to challenge it #i tell myself: the world is not out to get you. but why does it feel like it is? clearly everyone else feels like that too

[vzajemnik]

looking at pics of myself from a year ago makes me so sad lol

#🗞️ #the cissona was real ....... #but like. you can be trapped in a cissona but you can make the cissona gay. somehow ive straightened myself out to a point of where+ #my new friends seeing those pictures of me r like thats not u that person is literally straighter than me (i dont have many queer friends-_ #& im like. 😬😬hahaaa....... #i wanted to say idk why i even trapped myself like that but i was literally helplessly in love with a straight dude #to whom i was just the other woman #& i wanted him to just bear my existence bc we didnt click at all. so i wanted to be as attractive as possible to him. #STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #and also my inner monologue looked like. i know i could be happier but id rather be a fraud and attractive than true to myself & ugly. girl #me 2021-2022 get help......... what even is that mentality............. #anyway now im better i think. its a recent development i literally stopped going after straight guys at the end of may. so. #then i read stone butch blues and now here we are. very confused but at the end of the day. the cissona is gone #if im being honest im scared ill bump into that guy bc of whom i developed this severe of a cissona bc although its been a year since #we havent seen each other. im still so down bad. we havent talked in a year and a half💀 #and ill put on the cissona again #ahnywayz hope you all are having a good night

[caruliaa]

yk i think like. im trying desperately not to depress people around me w how close to doomerism i can veer but like. at a certain point its like. the effort and exhaustion that goes into maintaining just being alive in this world is not worth what comes from being alive and like. girlies we may have reached it. el oh el.

#like obvs its different for everyone like. what i really mean is that i have reached it or like. tht was always inevitably the case #for my life. which ik feels really depressing to say nd im sorry tht it makes ppl sad but idk like. its just true at a certain point #absolutely not from a lack of trying from the good things within my life to be clear not at all like. ik have sm great parts to my life #tht like. just mean so so much to me and im so so lucky to have but as upsetting as it is to say and think abt #at a certain point having to choose between being trapped in a situation were you can never authentically exist or like #have any control over your life and exist on your own terms even in v small ways while having to constantly be around people whove #caused you so much pain and trauma and hurt and being is a situation were like. at best your constantly working to afford living and you #are constantly exhausted by this and have no time for being yourself anyway and at worst you just cant afford anything and you die #and that could happen to you at any point idk like. these are my two options and i cant change anything about that fact #no matter how much i want to and that feeling is just. so so crushing and inescapable and just idk i dont know how to deal with it #like. idk iv done everything to try to but its only ever a temporary distraction #bc the problem isnt fucking like. mental or emotional its the facts of my reality and that cant be changed #so ofc im going to be constantly fucking miserable things just. are misearble #and idk. im sorry tht thts something other ppl have to deal with when it comes to like. knowing me bc genuinly its like. #they dont deserve that its sm pain for somoene to deal with and if that someone isnt. somone whos come to term with what #my fate invetiably is like have ik its too much nd im sorry for like. putting that on ppl i just. idk im sorry #idk what up with me suddnely. i mean i do but like. idk why i cant just hold it together like. this has always been the case idk why #im letting it upset me sm suddenly . ig bc i let myself have hope at some point. like an idiot. #idk im sorry. and its nearly 1am so i think im just going to go to sleep.im so sorry for just. all of this. #lucy if your reading tihs im so sorry for not sending and answering asks but i want to say that i love you so so so much. and im sorry #flappy rambles #vent #ask to tag

[yawn-emoji]

#who i was march 24 2022 and who i am now are completely different people. i remember crying in caffe reggio to zay sun and adiba because #my dad was in the hospital and we didnt know why and we werent even there to support him and my mom because we had travelled to nyc that #morning. and the whole trip was overshadowed by this sense of grief and fear and horror at what was unfolding back at home while i was #trying to pretend everything was okay and that i was fine. i never cry in public but i cried on the q train while visiting my coworker who #lives in manhattan and then i sobbed in a xi’an famous foods location in manhattan w my brothers because the cheapest and earliest train #home was that night and i had no idea what to do w myself #and when we got home finally we all knew what the diagnosis was but nobody wanted to say it not even the doctors. i dont think anyone used #the actual word cancer to us for months. they cloaked it in such technical terms so as to make it easier to swallow but it was still like. #an elephant in the room yk? nobody told us the stage either but it was a stage iv glioblastoma and i remember going on r/glioblastoma and #just crying reading all the posts abt how difficult this disease is. most projections were six months to a year and a half. a lot of people #even chose not to get treatment because of the high probability that it would make no difference to the prognosis. i have no idea whether we #made the right choice going w chemo or not honestly. only time will tell i guess. inshaAllah this will prove to have been the right choice #idk what im even trying to say now. i just dont reflect a lot on where i was when this started because it’s… almost too painful. i have #given up so much for my dad at this point and i still feel like it’s not enough but also i’ve been trapped by this sickness and i’ve given #up my life to it and idk how to rebuild myself from here. i need to move on w my life but what if these are the last moments w him and i #take those for granted by not staying home to take care of him and spend time w him. again idk what im trying to say here i just have no #idea how we got to this place. it still feels like some insane fever dream that i will suddenly awaken from #seeing pictures of my dad even from 2021 is the hardest thing. i have no idea what happened to that bright funny charismatic loving man. he #is literally a shell of himself at this point and i hate it. it actually turns my stomach sometimes because it all is so wrong #none of this was supposed to happen he was supposed to retire peacefully somewhere tropical in a couple years not get diagnosed w cancer #journal #illness tw

[fceriestcrdst]

does my sw oc have a ship name with cass & one with poe you ask?....yes...yes he does...

#sephicaptain & sephipilot respectively <3 #i've taken some uh--creative liberties (not many tho) with sephi lore bc i do what i want #its all mostly canon tho--the changes made are like very very very minor!! #just had to tweak bc transmasc sephi <3 <3 <3 + i went the palelavamder skin & pale sky blue eyes <3 #may actually start writing fics of my oc x cass & my oc x poe #there is potential for my oc x cass c poe as like a poly collective but we shall see if i wannt break timelines that badly #that may just remain a selfship thing day & i yell about in discordfor hours <3 #& of course my marvel oc will always have content bc the star to their moon is full my oc x the boys just without saying their name #but it'salso kit bc both these ocs are me & i regret nothing!! #he /was/ ranni but i renamed him & worked him a teensy bit so he's kit spector (grant/lockley as well but legally spector) #even tho in my series you marry steven but thats bc i went a very specific route with it & not my self-ship route that alters canon a #teensy bit (mainly with the marc & layla marriage but that was bc i didnt wanna feel like i was ruining something. yk? its why even in my #-series they are implied to never have dated essentially!!) #i'm rambling bc im excited & content in what i've done for myself---i just!! i dunno!!! #the sephicaptain fic is making me so excited because like--it really /is/ for me & i helped co-write a good chunk of it so i just!!! am so #so so excited for it! #i'll probablypost these fics on tumblr just bc i like posting to tumblr but i'm also gonna post on ao3 & idrc if no one read sit--or cares #--about it bc these are for me & me alone. #i just idk. i feel at peace with how i made graphics for myself. i'm writing for myself & my friends. i'm not longer trapped in a hyperfem #space anymore. my dash feels safe. i feel safe. i feel safe with my friendships for onc ein several years. i just feel safe & feel like me. #i'm truly starting to think th oscar isaac fandom & mk may have genuinely saved me from myself because i don't feel selfish- #-buying stuff anymore or writing for myself anymore. for the firts time in years i'm hanving fun in fandom & it's so refreshing & #comforting. anyways--i'm going to offically shut the fuck up now <3 i just wanted to gush!! gonna go back to dming my bf now <3 #kit rambles

[insanechayne]

~ ~ ~

#even more reasons to hate myself: I’m getting a crush on one of my closest friends #I have a girlfriend and he has a wife so this is already bad enough #but we hang out and we smoke together and laugh and just get along so well #and all I can think half the time is how much I want to just lean over and kiss him #the other problem is that I’ve been getting vibes that he likes me too but idk if that’s just me being in my own head #though one of our mutual friends said she thought the same thing so who knows if this is right or not #I should be thinking about my partner not anybody else and I feel like an asshole about this #it’s always these married men that fuck me up too I hate this shit #and I mean my girlfriend is pretty open about sexuality and stuff and she wouldn’t mind giving me a hall pass if I wanted one #we even joke about it where she says she knows who I’d use a hall pass on (not him but someone else cute) #I don’t think she’d care all that much but I still feel pretty shitty about all this and idk what to do about it #went from one trap with my now ex friend right into another one with this friend #why this gotta keep happening to me? why can’t things just be normal for once? #personal

[kindacreepy-kindaugly]

......

#i just want that rush back. how it felt when i realized he wasn't gonna hurt me n he held me to his chest n stroked my back #just tryin to calm me down instead of demanding anythin #he called me pretty. maybe it's just cause he was fucking me but still. he hasn't said that in so damn long except when he hurts me #i......guess i can kinda see why i said i loved him. i was so high on all of it. #even though it was stupid as fuck n idk if it's even true but either way i shouldn't have said it. #i wanna point fingers n say he just lovebombed me so hard i wasn't thinkin straight but. i don't think he even did #i can usually spot it when he does cause he's sayin things that are so obviously fake. even if i usually just ignore that cause i like it #this was just. the kinda affection that'd be normal from someone who actually cares for you. which is why it's so treacherous. #cause now it's all i can fucking think about i need more i need him to kiss me like that i need him to look at me like that again #i set the trap myself n strolled right in #i just. i need that rush back. i was so happy for a brief moment there. happier than i've ever been i think #it didn't last long but maybe that's cause i panicked when i said what i said. maybe if i just stop pretendin stop tryin to fight it #sometimes i feel the opposite but rn it's really hard to convince myself it's not enough that he wants me back #he doesn't hurt me when i behave but. i've never been very good at that for very long #n he'll probably get tired of me soon too. he's just lonely n nostalgic about the way things were back home. #......still though. how do i stop wanting it. wanting him. how the fuck do i stop #spdrvent

[lains-reality]

some ideas if you want to test how far you can go

obviously you are limitless, but you need to see how far you can go yourself, lester had the motto of 'i only know that which i can do' and asked 'what can i do?' since why not go all the way? not out of obligation or fear, but to see how much you can maximise your peace and joy! do it for the truth!

almost all of these require mindfulness as you need to be able to catch yourself in the moment of the mind's chatter - that you can get through being in the present moment (read eckhart tolle's practicing the power of now). infact your whole life will be based on the present moment, and not being in it makes it infinitely harder so please read the book.

whoever i expected something from: give to myself 

before you do this: go here! (getting to a state of neutrality first might make this easier)

this one is to think back on a person that you don't like, now think abt whether you expected something from them. did you want them to act a certain way? now, whatever peace, love, security that you think they were meant to give you, feel that yourself

and even if it was someone that is meant to give you those things, you will need to release your hatred of them and give them up. you don't need to forgive them right now, but you will soon when you won't care much of their impact on your life and when you see that everybody is acting off insane levels of fear. i released my hatred of someone who is literally meant to take care of me and now i don't care abt them, i used to hate having any contact with them but now i can talk to them and not have my mind run 50 miles an hour. also! they called me to say that they're working on themself & will repair what they did

just keep doing that and going back to other people until you feel no more obligation to care abt what they did! this is (one way to) how you become free of attachment to people, and less anger

astral projection

pretty self explanatory, just try ap, it'll make you see you're not your body

for this i'd definitely see how far i could travel and for how long

‘No matter what happens, I will create no more pain for myself.  I will create no more problems.’

this one is to affirm this at the start of your day and surrender all trouble and control, just this one day (or longer) you'll let yourself have no problems

throughout the day you can remind yourself, when you are getting wound up, that today you've given up troubles and problems

this requires mindfulness - that you can get through being in the present moment (read eckhart tolle's practicing the power of now)

‘Am i willing to live (in a world) with no problems?’

this is just a question to be used for self-inquiry, meditation, an affirmation, whatever

‘What would i do if there were no others?’

same as the last question

no input

no music, no books, no overconsumption, no anything

just like a dopamine detox?

this one might be hard too (and maybe a bit useless, but try it?)

‘From here on, i have everything i need as i need it’

this one is to affirm this at the start of your day and surrender all trouble and control, just this one day (or longer) you'll let yourself have everything you need

throughout the day you can remind yourself, when you are getting wound up, that today you've given up worrying, anticpation of the worst and projecting into the future

this requires mindfulness - that you can get through being in the present moment (read eckhart tolle's practicing the power of now)

remove time - stop living through memory and anticipation

"Time and mind are inseparable. Remove time from the mind and it stops - unless you choose to use it. To be identified with your mind is to be trapped in time: the compulsion to live almost exclusively through memory and anticipation." - eckhart tolle, practising the power of now, pg. 31

self explanatory again, just remove time lol

idk you gonna have to figure this one out yourself

good challenge tbh

deleting or revising something everybody knows

not just some memory only you and 2 people remember, something like changing the name of earth itself

or historical events, or the order a song came out from your favourite artist

go crazy! keep in mind that there's no big or small, its all the same concept in awareness, even if i do imply it

just thinking abt when you go to search the thing you revised in google and it doesn't come up lol

live as if theres no past

this one is something that you should definitely try

i think this becomes the norm when you are present in the now (which is why its so important!)

the point is when you go bed, wipe out your past, through whatever way you like. then in the morning make a declaration that the past is no longer relevent! no longer will you go back to it as a source of identity, breaking the habit of it!

inspired by this quote by osho

i think this one will yield interesting results

in the end, the goal is not especially to get results, but to release fear and limitations. you also get to practise being in the present moment!

#lainsreality #eckhart tolle #nonduality #nondualism #osho

[wormshirt]

As someone who uses a mobility aid and has muscular tension that cause me general body and joint pain and stiffness from the hips down on both sides what would kill me with doctor who wouldn't be the running it'd be the fucking stairs. They don't always have stairs in doctor who but oh boy when they do. I can run super fast and then inevitably injure my hips and suffer through it and keep limping along through the pain but if it's a flight of stairs between me and safety I'm so dead. If I don't take those stairs 1 step at a time my knees WILL lock or my muscles will throw such a massive hissy fit that it'll take me TWICE the time it takes your average person to go up those stairs and I will be killed or kinapped or put through some strange and unusual scifi horror by step 3. The doctor and I (limping) run down 50000000 hallways and we reach the end of a hall with only a reasonably sized staircase on the other end of it and the doctor immediately starts vaulting up the steps 3 at a time until he turns around and notices that I have stopped completely at the bottom of the steps to stare at him blithely. He starts trying to get me to go up the stairs or ask what the hell I think I'm doing and I slowly lower myself back down to the ground and cross my arms over my chest and begin reciting funeral prayers with a serene smile. The big evil monster comes after me and I am eaten. Badly. The doctor yells NOOOOO really loud and cries a little maybe idk and then is emo about it for like half a season until they end up back by the staircase in a season finale or something and it's revealed that the stairs are magic stairs that preserve the conciousness of any ugly ass bitch who hates staircases enough and the doctor is implied to have know this all along. and the doctor gives me some heartbroken major depressive disorder poster child look and a little speech about how they "couldn't have come back here for blah blah excuses reasons" and I smile sweetly and say "why the fuck didn't you have an emergency exit strategy or some shit incase the guy who uses a fucking cane couldn't do some shit like go up stairs super fast because he uses a fucking cane. Hello. Not even mad. Are you stupid. You are a timelord. Your people let your gay ass fuck off to who knows where because you're the dumbest timelord ever and they couldn't stand your stupid ass. I can't believe I'm stuck on this gay ass space station with this lame ass death for all of eternity because you didn't think that the guy who struggles to go up stairs would struggle to go up stairs. You wanna know what the alien said to me before he ate me. He said hey that dude you're here with sucks so bad and is stupid and gay and lame as hell. And I would have said 'yeah lol' but then he ate me. He ate me because of stairs doctor. Stairs." And then I'd stay forever trapped with my soul in that staircase just so I could spend the rest of enternity sending spam calls and telemarketers to the tardis phone. The doctor's investigating something outside an alien bar somewhere and sees ads like XXX Brittany Wants To Spend a NIGHT With YOU Sexy! Hot Singles in your area! Call here for a night of FUN! HOT SINGLE Xxeksifloryean Milfs Looking For a MATE in GALAXIES NEAR YOU!!!!❤️❤️❤️ and softly puts a hand on the posters and goes "I'm sorry I couldn't save you....." five seconds later jerry from *TOTALLY REAL* intergalactic statefarm NOT A FAKE NOT A SCAM calls up the doctor on the TARDIS phone to ask about the doctor's insurance info. Somewhere I kick an ugly ass step on a stupid fucking staircase and break my ghost toe. I hop around and start swearing.

#doctor who #dw #long post #the doctor #bangers #<-original post tag

[brostateexam]

Have not been saying much for a while because everything is hard.

I. My BiL has had c diff three times now and after the third time the oncologist decided to take a damn the torpedoes approach because they were wasting weeks that should have been devoted to chemo because he was too sick and too weak to withstand outpatient treatment. I haven't seen him irl since December but my mom says he looks rough and if his immune system is so messed up that he keeps getting c diff idk that I really want to visit him. What if I get him sick?

All of this is background to me, though, because mostly I'm invested in my sister. She wants to divorce him. He needs to be better enough that she won't face ostracization for doing so. I am invested in him getting better enough for that to proceed for her sake.

II. Something about my relationship with my mom has been bothering me and I finally figured out what it is: everything is equally important to her. She doesn't prioritize anything. If I am having a tough time and ask for help she'll say "well I'm busy every day this week but I can come over next week in Thursday for ninety minutes" and then when she comes over I ask her what she was up to, both to make conversation and because I'm nosy, and it's like... she volunteered for a clothing drive at the synagogue. She went grocery shopping. She went to a farmer's market. Thanks for fitting me into your schedule, I guess! Glad to know I am on the same level as farm fresh tomatoes.

III. I have been having a really tough time of it for the last few months. The vacation in Mexico was... Not restful. Shane had a seizure on the plane and I spent the first two days managing logistics related to that (and navigating the extra ~$2k I spent covering his medical costs while on the trip). His back is still fucked up almost two months later and so I get to do extra housework and chores because he can't lift or bend without being in pain.

IV. Resultant to III, I had a really awful period of about a month with an online friend who started being super short and terse with me because I've been around online less. It was really clear he felt like I was ditching him to go hang out with my cool friends or something, instead of the reality of the situation: I'm cleaning litter boxes and doing yard work and changing the sheets on the bed aka #livingthedream. I told him about all the stuff that was going on but it was clear he didn't believe me or resented my absence nevertheless. This came to a head with me basically texting him an essay about why he was being a bad friend. In a turn of good news, he listened, and apologized, and we mended fences. That was nice because I just don't know how much more bad news I can take right now.

V. I've been struggling with work but really it's just. My boss. My coworkers like me. My project sponsors like me. My skip level likes me. My exec likes me. It's just him. We don't have a good relationship and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know that it is fixable. This is a problem because this is the guy I need in my corner to advance my career and I don't know that he'll do that for me. The alternative is leaving my company, which sounds attractive on paper but in practice the job market is so so bad and it's just so discouraging. The idea of a new job sounds incredible. I wish I could do that. Maybe even a career change.

VI. Unfortunately, that's not gonna happen because of financial pressures. NGL, as much as I like my house (and I do -- I love its little windows, I love my pink dining nook and green bedroom, I love the mature fruit trees and pretty backyard full of wildflowers), I wish i had the cash in hand, instead. I feel trapped here, and like I'm making the most of it. That's a shit feeling to have.

VII. I've started regaining weight. Not a lot. Fifteen pounds since October. But it's scaring me. It's making me wonder if this whole surgery thing was pointless because I can't seem to stop myself from wanting to eat myself to death. So I'm trying to beat it back without resorting to "diet culture behaviors" (read: disordered eating) and that's tough.

There could be a separate post for things that are going well perhaps, but this is what's going not so well and it feels like a lot. Sometimes it feels like too much.

#*eating disorder #*cancer #*money

[lambiewrites]

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Camping w/ Saw Characters

Characters included: John Kramer, Amanda Young, Mark Hoffman, Lawrence Gordon, Adam Stanheight. Plus, me and Y/N (because I said so)

Warnings: none, except mentions of smoking, getting hurt?? Idk

Notes: Reader is gender neutral and everything is platonic. Even our relationships with each character (unless otherwise stated in other fics I may write)

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John Kramer: I personally feel like John really enjoys the outdoors and seeing as though we see him chilling on a park bench, sketching his traps 24/7, I feel like he’d really enjoy it. Loves the peacefulness except when everyone (Amanda and Mark) are fighting. Definitely fishing at 7am. Struggling because he may or may not have to sleep on the ground. We definitely bought peepaw as many blankets and sleeping bags as possible. He gets cold so easily, bless his heart. Wants to enjoy the hiking trails but, can’t because he’s either in his wheelchair at this point or it’s just a struggle for him in general. (Mad at me because I complained about my knee the entire time even though I’m perfectly fine.) definitely giving Y/N a lesson on the outdoors.

Lawerence Gordon: Didn’t really want to come but he was sorta forced to. Definitely the group’s medic. Lecturing everyone on where they should and shouldn’t step. Pissed because Adam keeps smoking even in the non smoking areas like the woods where there’s been really bad wildfires. Adam does not care though. Dr.Gordon helped pitch everyone’s tent and tried to tell me and Y/N how we could easily pitch our tents but we didn’t listen. He actively carries the first aid kit literally everywhere. This man also had to pull me out of the fishing creek because I slipped on some rocks and nearly fell in. (He and Adam are sharing a tent shhhh ❤️)

Amanda Young: A little less than thrilled to be here. It’s cold and wet. Plus she had better things to do. Constantly at John’s side making sure he’s not too cold and that he’s enjoying himself. Pitched her own tent and probably is sleeping in it by herself unless Y/N wants to share it. Stays up all night worrying about peepaw and maybe other campers (or bears) Definitely one to tell the darkest, scariest, goriest story at the campfire. Is she fighting with Mark the entire time? Oh yeah probably. Is she yelling at me the entire time? Yes. Is Y/N telling her about their nature knowledge (if that’s your hyperfixations) Yes. Amanda definitely wants to go home but she’s sticking it out for peepaw.

Mark Hoffman: (My favorite camping headcannon to write lmao) Complaining about pitching the tents because no one else can apparently. Honestly would rather die than be out here but, he’s making the most of it. Yes, we do have his ass grilling, why wouldn’t we? It’s his job now. Did we make him make the fire? We did actually. Watched me fall off the rocks and into the creek and did not care. Thought it was funny, wished I had drown. Y/N is the only one who he isn’t mad at (congratulations!). Yet. Secretly enjoys the camping but won’t say anything about it. Probably sleeping in a tent by himself. (Maybe Y/N is sharing it with him?) I have decided that this man physically cannot stand me and that’s okay.

Adam Stanheight: This man has been chain smoking since we got here. Obviously taking as many pictures as he physically can. OF EVERYTHING!!! Tried to help Lawerence set up the tent but got bored. Almost started a forest fire but felt instantly bad. Definitely got a lecture from it. Sits at the fire and makes s’mores. Watched me burn myself trying to roast marshmallows and laughed at me (I deserved it, trust me). Loves the outdoors actually and he’s thrilled to be there. Like a little squirrel running around with his camera ❤️😭✌🏻 Y/N is forcing him to take cute little selfies of them with trees and mountains. We’re hanging up the Polaroids all over the place. We’re gonna look so aesthetic, trust me xoxo

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Notes: This was quickly made and probably shitty but, just bare with me lol this is my first one and I love it. I think it’s funny. A lot of this was pulled from my actual camping trip at the beginning of the month. I hope y’all enjoyed and feel free to request stuff! I love you guys!

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#saw #saw franchise #saw memes #saw headcannons #kayla’s headcannons #saw community #john kramer #lawrence gordon #adam stanheight #mark hoffman #amanda young #y/n #x reader #jigsaw apprentices #jigsawintern #camping #ask #request

[spaceyaceface]

wait those romantic confession prompts are SO CUTE i also want to do that, but can you do 11?? either boy is fine!

I KNOW RIGHT??? I saw them and I was like, I NEED THIS!!! I decided to go with our boy Seb for this one!

11 - "don't make me say it. i can't say the words."

Warnings: Uhhhh idk some language?? Brief injury, anger, (angry Sebastian is hot oh my god)

She was angry, even though she knew full well she had no right to be. How many times had she come back scratched and banged up, how many near-death experiences had she neglected to share with the young man sitting in front of her now?

But this was different, she said, justifying her emotions. She had ancient magic to protect her. She could afford to be stupid. He could not.

With a wave of her wand, she let the bandages wrap around his wrist over the deep gash that was just starting to heal. The Wiggenweld had helped with the smaller cuts, but this last one would take some time. She pulled the bandage a little tighter than she meant to, making Sebastian wince.

"Sorry," she mumbled, voice a low grumble.

"Maybe I should have gone to Ominis for help. He would have glared at me less," Sebastian said. He said it like it was supposed to be a joke, but she heard the undercuts of his tone--he was annoyed with her.

"Maybe if you hadn't gone on your own, you wouldn't have been hurt at all," she spat, finishing the dressing.

Sebastian pulled his arm back to him, tracing over the bandages and frowning at her. "What so you're allowed to go out on your own, fighting off poachers and Ashwinders, and I'm meant to only leave the castle under your supervision?"

"What's so hard to grasp about that concept?" Didn't he understand? Had the last two years of their bond meant nothing to him? She couldn't let him get hurt--it would destroy her.

He scoffed in disbelief. "You're mad. I don't need your protection. You know damn well I can handle myself, without your bloody ancient magic."

"I don't care how capable you are!" she growled. This stupid tension between them--it had built up throughout their time together. She should have known it would have resulted in something like this. "I can't just let you go off without knowing you'll come back. I can't stand it, Sebastian!"

"And why is that?" he spat back. His fiery brown eyes bore into her own. "Say it. Fucking say it."

Her voice trembled. They'd been avoiding it for so long--was this the moment it finally became real? "Don't make me say it. I can't say the words."

He stood up, leaning forward to place his hands on either side of her, trapping her against the wall.

"Then I'll keeping running into fire." His voice was low, a growl in her ear. "I'll keep throwing myself into every mess I find, until I'm worth enough to admit you love me."

And suddenly words weren't needed.

She pressed her lips against his, but it was only a brief moment that she was in control. One of his hands found her waist, pulling her to him as his fingers burned into her flesh. His kiss was hungry, desperate, searing--as if he was intent on consuming her. She would let him.

They parted, lips bruised from the harshness of the kiss. Her breath came out ragged as she laid against the wall behind her, the fingers in Sebastian's hair keeping his forehead against his. Words weren't enough to convey the depth of the passion she felt for him, but she would try.

"I love you, Sebastian. You've always been enough to hear it."

His chuckle came out husky, and it made her heart skip a beat. "Still took you long enough."

#sebastian sallow x reader #sebastian sallow imagine #sebastian sallow #sebastian sallow x mc #request #Sebastian sallow blurb

[strniohoeee]

Paramour Pt. 3

Pairing: Chris Sturniolo X Female Reader

Synopsis: This is the final chapter of Y/N and Chris weird and bumpy love story. One morning Chris and Y/N lay around in bed as they talk about what has happened🗣️

Warnings⚠️: Alluding to sex, but not like real smut?? Mann idk. I’m not even that happy with how this one turned out😭

Song for the imagine: WASTING TIME- Brent Faiyaz, Drake, The Neptunes

That horrible altercation between Chris and Dom was a good 5 months ago, and it’s so crazy how time passes. To come back from that awkward situation was super hard, but eventually everything went back to normal for the most part.

Chris and I were an official couple about two months after the incident. To wish for something for years, and to finally get it was the best thing to ever happen. Being with Chris made me so fucking happy. He was truly my everything.

Waking up every morning running my hands through his hair and down his back as he laid asleep on his stomach. Watching his blue eyes flutter open as his pupils adjusted to the light. Offering him a soft smile as my hands ran down to his cheek and caressing.

Most mornings we’d get tangled in the sheets as the sunlight kissed our skin. Kissing, touching and whispering sweet nothings into each other's ears. Our hands trailing all over each other. I would end up under Chris, his body leaning on me as I sunk into the bed

The sheets would gradually slip off of his back allowing the sunlight to warm up his skin as my nails raked up and down his spine. Thrusting into me as my voice traveled away from me, and only small whines and moans were allowed to fall free. Chris’ hair in all its messy waves tickling my neck everytime he moved.

My left hand would come up, pulling at the roots in the nape. My right hand wrapped around his bicep as he showed me how much he loved me.

Our bodies falling limp against each other as we whispered “I love you” to one another. The sheets trapping us to one another. Often giggling as we would almost fall, and had to spend extra time unraveling from them.

Chris was currently thrusting into me as we giggled at stupid things he would say. My lips peppering kisses on his shoulders, and my nails gripping onto his back.

“Fuck Chris” I moaned out as he began to kiss my neck

“You sound so beautiful” he said looking up at me as he flashed me a toothy grin

“All because of you” I said running my hand through his hair as I pecked his lips

We soon laid there in one another’s arms laughing at something. His fingers tracing shapes on my arms as I pulled him in closely.

I went to speak when suddenly my phone rang. My brows furrowed and I looked over at the nightstand. It read Dominic

“Who is it?” Chris asked me

“It’s dom” I said confused

I hadn’t spoken to him in five months…this was so random.

“Pick it up” Chris said

I mindlessly grabbed the phone and on the 6th ring I answered

“Hello?” I asked in a whisper

“Y/N?” I heard him ask me

“Yes, Dom, what do you want?” I asked him getting frustrated

“I want your time” he said

“You sound crazy, what are you saying” I said now leaning back

“Just listen to me okay” he said

“I’ve been listening and you haven’t been making sense” I said laughing

“He doesn’t deserve you” he said bluntly

“I’m not doing this with you. We’re over. I do not want anything to do with you anymore, so please never contact me again” I said getting ready to hang up

“Why did you do this to me?” He asked

“Do you think I wanted this to happen? I didn’t okay. I’m sorry that it wasn’t you, and that I couldn’t force myself to love you. You are not the man for me, so please do not call me again” I said firmly

“You’ll be nothing to him in a matter of time. Just you watch” he said laughing

“Fuck you Dom” I said

“No! fuck you, you two timing whore” he yelled over the phone

I was genuinely shocked. I had no answer to that, and I knew Chris saw this on my face. He read my facial expressions, and quickly removed the phone from my hands

“I don’t know who you think you are, but you have a lot of nerve calling Y/N” Chris said to him

“Put her back on the phone” Dom replied darkly

“No! Can’t you see she’s never wanted you. Give up already” Chris said

“I can’t believe you, my own friend sleeping around with my girl while we were together” he said scoffing

“I wasn’t really your friend, and not to mention she didn’t leave with you that day she stood with me. Back off” Chris said getting upset

“I wish nothing but the worse for the both of you, you low life piece of shit assholes” he said into the phone

“Go have your temper tantrum over the phone with someone who gives a fuck” Chris told him

“Fuck you” Dom spat back

“Listen to me, and listen closely. Don’t you ever call Y/N’s phone again. Don’t you ever make contact with her in any way shape or form. Take this however you want, but if I ever see you trying to mess with her I will come after you, got it?” Chris said

“You don’t scare me” he said laughing

“I’m not trying to scare you. I’m just letting you know to stay away from us” he said into the phone before hanging up on Dom

Chris handed me my phone with a smile. I took my phone back and looked off into the distance. Maybe Dom was right. I mean what I did was fucked up.

“What’s going on in that head of yours” Chris asked

“I’m just thinking about what he said” I said to him

“Baby do not listen to anything he has to say okay? None of this is your fault” he said

“I mean it is. I did cheat on him” I said looking at Chris

“But you never loved him” he said

“But it’s the principle. It was wrong” I said feeling guilty

“Come here baby, listen we already spoke about this okay. What’s done is done, and there’s nothing we can do about it. He was not who you wanted, and you can’t punish yourself for what you’ve done” he said pulling me in

“If I could go back in time I’d change everything” I said

“We can’t change the hands of time” he said shaking his head

“I would’ve fought hard for us” I said looking up at him

“Oh..” he said not knowing what I was referring to

“I would’ve never gotten with Dom if I knew this would be the outcome…..me back in your arms” I said

“You were the first girl I’ve ever wanted to be mine, and I let you fall through my fingers because I was stupid” he said

“You weren’t stupid. I’m glad you turned me down because I think this made us stronger now” I said smiling at him

“I’m glad you picked me again” he said laughing a bit

“I’d always pick you” I said playfully pushing him

“God I’m so in love with you” he said biting his lip

“Oh Christopher” I whispered

Chris pulled me in as our lips crashed together. I’ve said this many times, but Chris and I were made for each other. This love we shared was that out of a movie or book.

He’d be fine forever in this lifetime and in another. We’d find eachother again. In a crowded room I’d search for those blue eyes and know that I would be okay. I fell deeper in love with Chris as every second of everyday passed.

I was no longer a paramour, but a real love…..

The End

I’m not going to lie. I wasn't sure how to end this series, and I’m not sure that I’m happy with how this one came out. I have to stop promising more than two parts without coming up with ideas LMAOOO. But anyways I hope you enjoyed this🥹❤️❤️ I love yall dearly

-J💅🏽

#sturniolo triplet smut #sturniolo smut #chris sturniolo x reader smut #Christ sturniolo smut #Christopher sturniolo smut #smut #Spotify

[mkeztrm]

K.

- cigarettes after sex

“ and I’m kissing you, lying in my room. holding you until you fall asleep, and it’s just as good as I knew it would be. Stay with me, I don’t want you to leave. ”

Warnings(?): Toxic parents, 🍃 (barely)

nick sturniolo x m!reader(?)

I’ve never really written something like this before, so please keep that in mind 😭

Idk if this would be considered an m!reader thingy, but the character in first person is a male! I hope that makes sense 😞

——————————————————————————

All it took was the contact we made between our eyes, which ironically enough are also polar opposites.

Outside of my apartment complex stands a statue probably about a billion years old, it’s completely abandoned but it works as a perfect escape for when the world comes crashing down. I go there nearly every day, it’s really the only physical place I can go when shit gets rough at home. I can’t help but feel trapped in my own house whenever my parents have their little arguments, it’s like they forget they even have a kid. Today they started arguing because the dishes weren’t done, and somehow that just set off all of the missles in my mother’s heart, she snapped. So that’s why I’ve decided to go to the statue today, it’s my safe space when I don’t have one.

The area around me is swollen with plants, dark green vines wrapped around the chipped stone i sit on. As I’m walking down and pass the grassy corner I come to a sudden stop when I hear familiar footsteps around my spot. I slowly step forward and peek around to see a beautiful boy, around my age. His pretty brown hair is emphasized by the sunlight, and his heartstopping eyes are as well. I recognize him as the boy who lives down the hall, I’ve seen him a few times when I’ve had to leave the house. We’ve never spoke other than a simple “hey” or “hi”

“Hello? Hi sorry, I didn’t mean to disturb you.”

I quickly apologized before turning around. As I take my first step forward I hear his soothing voice.

“No, no you’re okay. I’m just taking pictures of the area. Do you want to join me?”

“If that wouldn’t be an issue, then yeah. I just need to get out of the house for a minute, you know?”

He watches me as I sit down, then he sits down next to me while he lowers his camera to his side. I can tell he’s as awkward as me, he’s just better at hiding it than I am.

“My name’s Nick, Nick sturniolo. What’s yours?”

“Oh, uh. My name is Jakson. Spelt J-A-K. You can just call me Jak though if you’d prefer.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Jak.”

“Nice to meet you too, Nick”

with a smile across my face i look over to my right jacket pocket and pull out a lighter. I looked at him and gestured towards it, offering him a hit. He nods his head and says “Sure, why not. I’m not doing anything later anyway.” I hand him my lighter, then I hand him a joint that I pulled out of my pocket along with the lighter.

“But I could tell that something had changed how you looked at me then.”

Minutes turn into hours, hours turn into four more. Throughout our sesh we shared our reasoning for hanging out here so often. His surprised me, I didn’t expect him to be a triplet, let alone the oldest. He explained to me in full depth that he comes out here whenever his brothers get to be too obnoxious, or whenever he doesn’t want to participate in one of their stupid joke arguments. He told me that he loves them very much, he just needs some time for him self as well. I didn’t know somebody could understand me that well.

“And I’m taking pictures of you with flowers on the wall.”

As time goes by, my head ends up on his thighs. My head resting on him while we watch the stars together. He let out a soft giggle whenever I’d point out a constellation or a shooting star, and for some reason that made both myself and my heart happy. Being with him made my heart skip a beat everytime he spoke. I never knew it was possible to become so close to someone in only a day. I looked back up at him, and he looked down at me. He let out a smile, so I did too.

God, my heart was racing so fast. You guys just met, and you’re already each other’s only friend. Is it shameful to have these thoughts about some boy you’ve only seen in a hallway before this? Before I could continue thinking, he placed his hand on my head and gently stroked my head with that grin on his face. He kept eye contact with me, and put his other hand on my head as well.

I think I’ve finally fallen for somebody.

“Think I like you best when you’re just with me, and no one else.”

After a long while the sun starts to come up, but I’m still rested on his lap. He looked down at me, I looked back up at him.

nick holds my face tight and gently presses his soft lips against mine, leaving me no time to react. Not that I needed to react, he’s so heavenly. He grabs my hand and stands up so I stood up with him. I can tell he wants to say something, but his face shows his thoughts are jumbled.

“Could I get your number? I think we should come out here again and hangout. Next time I’ll bring a blanket and snacks if we’re out here for that long again.”

“Oh definitely. My number is (xxx)xxx-xxxx. Feel free to text me anytime you want, boy. I’ll always be available for you.”

we walked up to the apartment building together, he made sure I got home safe. Before i walked inside of my house I made sure to smile and wave. I waited until he had walked away to shut the door.

I made my way back to my bedroom and passed out asleep the moment I hit my mattresses. I love this boy.

——————————————————————————

HIII thanks for reading 🫶

I’m so sorry if this is bad, I really only write poems and I’m dyslexic as hell. I just wanted to write something for the first time and see how it went.

Please do not criticize this in the replies, I’m overly sensitive and will take it to heart 😭. /gen

————

@inlovewithmattstur lord how do you write so fast.

#nick #nick sturniolo #nicolas antonio sturniolo #sturniolo #sturniolo triplets #nicolas #nicolas sturniolo #matthew bernard sturniolo #matt #matthew sturniolo #matt sturniolo #chris owen sturniolo #christopher owen sturniolo #chris owen #chris #chris sturniolo #original character #short story #sturniolo x reader #m4m #ganja #sturniolo fanfic #fanfic #fandom #jake and johnnie #jake webber #johnnie guilbert #i am so gay #im also so tired #Spotify

[melon-cream-enmu]

Repost from peach-cream-yukio

Me being horny. Not for established existing fictional characters but you can totally read it that way and reblog it for that if you want. Stalking, soft noncon, piss, public sex, kidnapping (but not really??? Idk I go with them out of fear but also willingly? Kind of) being called dumb but in a loving way. Afab

I wanna be stalked, watched, pined over, preyed upon. I want someone observing me for so long out of such impure obsessive love that they’ll do anything to have me. I’m so unknowing of real intimacy and they want to be the first to show me. I’m so dumb and helpless but that’s ok, they love me and they’ll teach me everything I’ll ever need to know, and that’s that they love me and will always love me. I don’t need to know anything else, just the feeling of their cock in my cute plump pussy.

I want them to have so many pictures of me, I hate being in pictures but knowing they look at them with such love crazed eyes and have to take so many because the best ones are taped to their wall, and they keep ruining others with their loads and loads of cum as they think about me and cum to the thoughts of just me doing nothing but being the stupid girl that I am is such a thrilling feeling.

They think I’m waiting for them, I must be. They love me so much they wonder why no one’s come and swept me up already, so I have to be waiting for them, of course I am. I don’t want to have ever even glimpsed them, because knowing this stranger I’ve never seen in my life has been watching me and lusting over me is such a feeling, it makes me queasy but so fucking wet.

I want them to finally break, they can’t take it anymore, and they catch me in some secluded but very public place, a store with no cameras, bustling with people yet no one coming near this section, it’s items so uninteresting and unwanted. Oh, but they think, they’re all missing out, because here I am, all alone, begging to be taken, and all for them. I want them to trap me up against a shelf softly, my chest pressed against it so I can’t see them just yet.

I want them to coo at me softly, about how they’ve been watching me for so long, they know everything about me, they love me. Caressing my neck, my collarbone, groping my chest so gently, whimpering and moaning at the feeling of the pillowy flesh of my stomach in their hands finally. Getting to the part they’ve been so eager to touch for so long, pushing their hand into my pants and savoring the heat of my mound, just cupping me and breathing heavy in my ear, pressing their lips to it so I’m the only one who can hear their sounds.

Their face is so hot on my skin it feels like it burns, they finally slip their fingers between my lips and moan so loud at finally getting to touch me that we’d be found if anyone had actually bothered to come near. Want to feel their cock press hotly into the flesh of my ass, tip already leaking so much I can feel the cold wetness of it in the store ac through my leggings.

I want them to have watched me for so long, in every possible way, that they’ve even seen private messages with friends revealing how horny I really am, and how inexperienced I am that they know I’d be too mesmerized and astounded that anyone is doing this to me that I’d be unable to stop them, too shocked but feeling to good. They finally dip their fingers into my cunt and cream their pants at the feeling, hips twitching so hard it jolts me because they’re pressed so hard into me.

But they’ve been waiting so long, they couldn’t possibly be done. They’re still impossibly hard. Fingering me until I can’t keep my noises in, and that’s all I’ve ever done, having to had pleased myself in private but not alone where I live. They finally hear sound from me and they can’t help but go faster at this success. They press on my bladder, wanting to see if they can make me cry, I’d look so pretty if I cried for them. They love the sobs I make when I piss myself when they make me cum hard. But they say it’s ok, I couldn’t help it. I’ve never felt this good, it’s normal for my body to react this way. They say ‘ok?’ asking if I understand that it’s normal and I shouldn’t feel embarrassed about it, and when I nod, scared, they kiss my head lovingly, calling me good girl.

They shuffle my pants down so fast that we’re both stumbling, so they take my hand and curl my fingers around a shelf slowly so I can steady myself. They tap their cock against my heat so soft and slow that we’re both almost crying from the overstimulation. They finally push into me and they can’t wait, they push hard and bottom out immediately, whether I’m ready to take something or not. They praise me lovingly for taking them so well, how I was made for them. They can’t even pull out, too desperate after finally getting to have me that they can only hump me close, fast, rough, and loving.

They finally turn my head to face them slowly, and I can see the love sick daze and lustful haze in their eyes, they’re dripping tears like mine, gaze flitting between my eyes and my lips. They kiss me, I’m so inexperienced, never having kissed anyone, that I’m drooling from their intensity, and they keep wiping it from the corner of my mouth with their thumb and rubbing it back into the inside of my bottom lip.

They feel themselves getting close so they pull out, and I think for a moment that they’re regretting what they’re doing and will stop and leave me there, but they turn me around and lift me up on to my tiptoes and enter me again. When they’re inside me, they take my hands in their shaking ones and rest them on their shoulders. They start fucking me again, keeping my head facing them, staring in my eyes and the way they look at me is so hypnotizing that I can’t look away no matter how much I may want to. My brows are close together in confusion, and my puffy lips open with soft short pants. Why me? Of all people, why me? I don’t ask but they can see it in my eyes.

They kiss me again as they come in me, telling me it’s ok, I won’t get pregnant, and if I do I don’t have to keep it, they’ll support me in what I want to do because they love me, and it hits me that they’re not just taking me here, but they’re taking me with them. They pull out and watch their gross stalker cum dribble out of me and pull my panties up, playing with me, massaging it back into my lips through my panties. They tie their hoodie around my waist when they get me together again, and walk me out of the store.

They bring me to their car and open the door for me, coaxing me to get in. I don’t resist, but the confused expression on my face remains. They lean down and kiss me again before pushing the seat belt into its buckle and shutting the door. They have a hand on my thigh as they drive me home, to their home. Our home now. They can’t help but push their hand into my pants again at a stop, fingering me til I cum again and again before we reach home.

They live nice, comfortably, they say they’re lucky to be so well off that they can take care of me and I don’t have to worry about anything ever. I don’t get to look around as they gently guide me by the waist to their room, our room, and lay me down. I still don’t struggle, so fucked out but aware enough to be confused and incapable of doing anything. They take of my clothes slowly, looking at me like they’re asking for consent but I know they arent, they’d just keep going even if I said no, but they’re so gentle my mind can’t grasp that I should be fighting. I’m so confused.

They fuck me for hours on end, me, crying and shaking and digging my nails into them in overstimulation, them, crying and shaking and digging their nails into the bed in desperation. I’m so full of cum by the end of that ‘session’ that I feel bloated and sick. They don’t pull out, holding me snug to their hips, as they talk gently to me about everything. They start from the beginning, when they first saw me, to when they started following me, they tell me they have pictures of me, they had gotten inside and taken things from me, they have so many panties, so full of their cum that they’d have to keep stealing more.

They say we’ll go pick up my things soon, and we can start our new life together, but I need to sleep now. They know they were my first time, and although they’re giddy and excited, they’re keeping it together because they know I must be in pain, I was so deliciously tight and wet for them, and I need to rest. I’m so exhausted that I can’t help but fall asleep, feeling their lips on my head as I doze off.

#toasted sugar cream #cream afab #yandere x reader #yandere smut #I guueesssssss #cw noncon #tw noncon

[insanechayne]

~ ~ ~

#I hate that I still think about you even when I don’t want to #I hate that I still check obsessively for your messages for hours on end and get so excited seeing that notification pop up #I hate that I still have feelings for you even though I’m trying to get rid of them #I hate that I’m struggling to move on and you did it like it was nothing #I hate that I feel like I’m not giving my all to my girlfriend or doing enough in my relationship #I hate that I hang on your every word like a life preserver #I hate that you still get my heart racing every day just by talking to me #I hate that I feel so stuck and don’t know what to do to get out of your spiral #I don’t want to make this your problem because that’ll just start another huge fight #I don’t want to risk pushing you so far away I never get you back #I can’t say any of this to my girlfriend because I know it would make her feel awful and ruin our relationship #I don’t know how to explain it to my therapist and besides he thinks I already cut you off anyway #why is this still so hard? we haven’t flirted or anything since April #I think maybe I’m still waiting for closure in a sense #things ended so abruptly before and we barely talked through any of it unless it was through little arguments or me being overbearing #so it’s like I never got official closure… idk like a discussion or a last time or something like that I guess #I know none of that should be needed but my shit brain is saying that’s what it wants/needs #I just don’t know how to talk to you about any of this because the second I bring it up there’ll be a problem #ugh I just feel like I’m trapped in these stupid thoughts and feelings and I hate it #and I think to myself in a couple years none of this will matters and I won’t care at all about it #I pray that that’s the case but I also need that shit to hurry up and get here now #personal