#i was out of my dan and phil phase for good | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

choke-me-joey · 1 year

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Ch1/Ch2

Summary: As Joe's long-term girlfriend, you reflect on your relationship over the last 4 years.

Content warning: 18+ so minors are not welcome, real person fiction (don't like, don't read, don't bitch), smut, fluff, angst, probably inaccurate timelines and processes but does anyone really care?, alcohol use, smoking...if I've missed anything please let me know!!

Author's note: when I was deep in my Dan and Phil phase I wrote this, published it on AO3 and then took it down so before anyone says "Hey this looks familiar" don't panic, I'm not stealing anyone's work and I can prove it lmao. Thanks to @harrys-four-nipples for reading this first chapter and telling me it wasn't as shit as I thought. Love you girl 🥰 feedback is always appreciated, let me know if you'd like me to continue this!

Paris

December 2022

After the craziest year anyone could ever imagine, exploring and staying in a variety of hotels across the globe, the last convention of 2022 was finally happening. You had been by your boyfriend's side the entire time; your job as a freelance photographer/social media specialist pretty much allowed you to travel anywhere and everywhere and luckily Joe's team were on board with you providing his official con photos and managing his social media. But as ideal as that sounds, it hadnt been easy.

It had been one of the best experiences of your life, watching the man that you love so, so much bring so much joy to the millions of people around the world who adored him. Despite being at every convention, watching all the fan interactions and all the panels, you were never bored. It hadn't all been perfect though, in fact it had been extremely trying at times, what with Joe being so damn exhausted there was barely any 'you' time, or fans getting a little bit too crazy at the meet and greets, but you wouldn't have traded it for the world.

You'd think that being cooped up on planes, in hotel rooms and travelling constatnly for months on end, spending almost every waking minute of the day together would have seriously damaged your relationship, but in all honesty, it brought you and Joe closer together. Sure, there have been times where you’ve wanted to smother each other with the shitty hotel pillows, but what couple doesn't argue? Without the option of slamming the bedroom door shut and sulking, you've learnt to just talk it out, and move on, and things have just gotten better and better. You had just celebrated our 4 year anniversary in Tokyo last month, and Jamie was constantly teasing you, telling you if you didn't get a ring this Christmas, you two could just run away together instead.

Of course, Joe had gotten super salty at the joke, seemingly never being able to escape the never ending question from his family and friends of when he was finally going to pop the question. He didn't need it from Jamie now too. He was going to do it, he just didn't want to rush it after all.

As it was the last con of 2022, Joe's team had given you some time off to just enjoy the convention, acknowledging that you had worked through your anniversary in Japan. This meant you could actually walk around the con and hang out with some of your friends, and enjoy the panels, which you were grateful for. You had some time to chat with Joe's dad too, which was always a good time, you got on so well with him and it was nice to see just how proud he was of his son.

Although you had been together for 4 years now, you and Joe weren't quite comfortable with going public with your relationship just yet. Joe had sky rocketed to fame overnight and his fanbase could be a little...intense. They went into a frenzy if he was spotted within 5 feet of another girl, and said girls were always stalked and harassed online and Joe didn't want that for you. You'd been pretty good at hiding it so far, most fans just thinking you were part of Joe's management team always there to keep him on schedule. It was a bit shit not being able to hold his hand or give him a hug in public but when the time was right, you both agreed you would go public.

You had headed back to the hotel a little before the con was over, Joe would no doubt get waylaid by fans outside the convention centre and you'd said you would order you both some food and run a bath for him so he could just relax now he was done for the Christmas period. New Orleans was a little after New Years so you'd have time to explore Paris, get home for Christmas and see in the New Year together.

Joe practically collapses through the door and you run to hug him, you were both desperate to touch each other after a long day of pretending to be work friends.

"Hi," you mumbled into his neck. "Last one for this year done, babe. I'm so proud of you."

He doesn't respond, he's holding onto you as if someone was threatening to take you away from him. "Babe, what's wrong?"

"I love you so much," he whispers. "Thank you."

"Joe, you don't need to thank-"

"Yeah, I do. I just thought that you've been there from the very start, and you've worked so hard, putting up with all my shit and you've been so supportive. I couldn't have done it without you." He sniffs, looking a little emotional. "Tonight was the first night I've actually been able to see you and not your camera, and knowing you were actually there, right in front of me, like, everything from the past 4 years went through my head and I could see you smiling at me, and the fans and I just..." he trails off, at a loss for words. You kiss his cheek, your own eyes welling up.

"You're such a soppy git, Joe." You tease him, but he knows you're joking.

"Shut up, you're just as soppy. " He laughs, poking you in the side gently. You poke my tongue out at him and he crosses his eyes in response, before my phone buzzes to let me know our food has been delivered to the hotel lobby. You break away from Joe, kissing his cheek and heading downstairs to grab your food.

You both scoff down your food, both of you having been way too busy to really eat a proper meal today, and then Joe gets into the bath. He tries to persuade you to join him, but honestly the bathtub here was smaller than the one at home, and even that could be a struggle to fit the both of you in, so you decline, changing into your pyjamas and watching some random show on TV and scrolling through your phone, replying to messages in the Quinn family group chat and your own family group chat.

You can't help but bite your lip in appreciation as Joe comes back into the bedroom, a towel around his waist and his curls dripping. He makes his way over to his suitcase in search for a pair of clean boxers. Your eyes scan over his bare torso, his broad shoulders, sharp collarbones, toned arms and his perfect stomach with a dusting of dark hair disappearing into the towel. He feels your eyes on him, standing up and turning around.

"What?" He smirks, stifling a yawn. You return his smirk, stretching a little.

"Nothing, just admiring my boyfriend. That alright with you?"

"Depends, can I ogle you like a pervert the next time you come out in just a towel?" Joe jokes, quickly pulling his boxers on under his towel, pulling it off and hanging it back up in the bathroom, before crawling on the bed and collapsing on his stomach, sighing heavily.

"You do anyway, I'm just more subtle about my staring, Quinn."

"You're just as pervy as me, Y/N, dont even try and pretend you're not. " he laughs, turning onto his side, pulling you down and wrapping his arm around you. You cuddle into him, burying your face in his neck.

"Difference is, Joseph, the whole Internet can see what a flirt you are, nobody has dirt on me."

"M'too tired for your smart arse right now."

"You like my smart arse." You grin into his skin, and he chuckles, the sound rumbling in his throat.

"I like your smart everything," he mumbles, kissing the top of your head. You sigh in response, enjoying the feeling of him cuddled up to you. "M'so tired. And my back is killing me."

"Did you twinge it again?"

"Mm. Hurts."

You untangle myself from him and roll off the bed, rummaging through your suitcases until you find the baby oil you always use to keep your skin moisturised after a shower. You shake it up as you walk towards the bed. "On your stomach, babe."

"That is the most terrifying thing you could say to me whilst holding baby oil." He eyes the bottle in your hands suspiciously, but does what you've said anyway.

"I believe that would actually be 'face down, ass up and just relax'." You smirk, climbing back on the bed, straddling his legs. He groans dramatically, making you roll your eyes and laugh. "You're such a drama queen, babe."

"Making a living off of it, aren't I?"

"Yeah, yeah, shut up Mr Man of the Year." You quip, opening the bottle and pour some of the oil into your hands, rubbing them together to warm it up before pressing your palms against his shoulder blades. You apply just the amount of pressure that you know he likes, rubbing his flawless skin. "That okay?"

He responds by letting out a quiet moan of approval.

"How did I get so lucky?" Joe groans into the pillow as you continue to rub his shoulders and upper back, trying your best to work out the knots in his muscles. You smile, placing a kiss to the back of his neck that makes him shiver slightly.

"You elbowed me in the tits on the Underground and made me spill my coffee all over myself." You chuckle, adjusting your position on his legs so you could massage further down.

"The one time in my whole life that me being a clumsy twat has actually worked out in my favour." Joe's voice is muffled by the pillow, but you can tell he's smiling. He grunts in pleasure as you knead his lower back gently.

"Meh, you're just lucky I thought you were hot." You teased, gently poking him in the sides. He chuckles softly. "And you were, and still can be, so socially awkward, it was endearing."

"Mm, love you." He mumbles, and you know he's slowly falling asleep by the way his body is relaxing beneath you.

"Love you too, babe." You whisper back, moving off of his back and into bed next to him, pulling the covers over both of you. Ypu push his curls back from over his face. "Always have, always will." You kiss his temple and turn off the bedside lamp, letting him sleep off the post convention exhaustion whilst you take advantage of the good selection of TV channels the hotel has.

A few hours later, you're still awake and on your phone, scrolling through Instagram, the TV long turned off. You're laid on your side facing away from your currently snoring boyfriend. Joe grumbles in his sleep and rolls over, moulding his body around yours and spooning you. You feel something poking you in your bum and smirk to yourself, wiggling your butt back against him.

"Hmm, you still awake?" Joe whispers, his voice rough with sleep and exhaustion, one of his hands running over your thigh.

"Mm, I didn't wake you up, did I?" You reply, shivering in delight as his lips graze your neck. You roll over to face him, and he moves your leg on top of his, moving your bodies closer together as he kisses you hard, his hands wandering around to your ass and squeezing it.

Oh.

You see where this is going.

"Are you sure you're up to this, Joe? You're exhausted." You say quietly, trying your best to control your breathing after you break away. Thanks to your busy schedules, it been at least two weeks since you'd last had sex. You snuck in whatever you could, but mostly it was just heavy make out sessions or occasionally a hand and/or blow job to help with Joe's anxiety levels. You were practically soaked already and he'd barely touched you.

"Never too tired for you," he mumbles, pecking your lips softly, and slowly lifting up the hem of your (his) shirt. "Off?"

You nod, and you both work together to rid you of the oversized shirt. "C'mere," he grunts, rolling you on top of him, his hands on your hips as he looks up at me.

"Lazy," you tease, your skin feeling like it's on fire as he runs his hands up your sides.

"Beautiful." He responds, giving you that little smile that makes your heart melt every time. It's a smile that only you get to see, and it's during your intimate moments like this that he smiles like that, and you fall in love with him all over again. You hum and lean down, kissing him passionately, your tongues dancing around each other. His hands return to your hips, pushing them down against his crotch as he lifts his hips up, and the friction and heat makes you both moan. You nibble on his bottom lip, which you know drives him crazy, before moving to kiss his jawline and neck, a somewhat external G-spot for him. "Fuck..."

"Well, if you want, I mean, I was just gonna suck you off and then take care of myself," you grin against his skin, and he responds by slapping your ass lightly. In return, you bite gently on his collarbone, and he grunts, the noise going straight in between your legs. "What do you want, Joe? Tell me."

"Wanna fuck you," he growls, turning his head and capturing your bottom lip between his teeth and tugging gently. "Wanna be inside you so bad, baby, please."

You whimper, nodding. Foreplay would have to wait for tonight.

You sit up and awkwardly peel off your underwear, throwing it somewhere in the room, deciding you'd find it in the morning. You gently palm Joe's cock through his boxers, making him grunt and moan your name loudly, before pulling them down his legs, and he kicks them off his feet. You take his cock into your hand, squeezing gently and stroking him a few times. "Please, baby, m'not gonna last long..." You'll let him off for that, it really has been forever since you last fucked. You reach across to the bedside table, grabbing a condom from your makeup bag (damn your birth control prescription running out before you'd realised) and tearing it open. He holds his hands out to put it on himself, but you slap them away, rolling it on him as slowly as possible, making him grit his teeth, grunt and buck his hips slightly.

Deciding to be a bit more of a tease, you hover above him for a few seconds, grinding down ever so slightly. He grips your hips so tight there will definitely be bruises in the morning, and he bites his lip, whimpering and cursing. You decide to let him off, because you want this just as much as he does, and you place the head of his cock at your dripping pussy, slowly sinking down onto him. He throws his head back and moans, a little too loudly, as do you. "God, I missed this...missed you."

"I missed you too," you sigh, placing your hands on his chest, giving yourself a bit of leverage before you start to move your hips. "Fuck, Joe, you feel so fucking good..." as much as you want this to last, you know it won't. You can already feel your orgasm growing as you grind down against him. He bucks his hips up, his cock brushing my g-spot. "Oh my god, Joe!"

"Fuck," he growls, his breathing heavy. "Faster, baby, please, I-" he cuts himself off with a moan as you obey. "Shit, fuck!"

"You're so loud," you giggle breathlessly, gasping as he places his thumb on your clit and rubs in time with your thrusts. "We're gonna get noise complai-AH, FUCK, JOE!"

"I'm the loud one, am I?" Fucking asshole.

"Shut up," You gasp, as he sits up, wrapping your legs around him and attaches his lips to your collarbone, sucking and biting as you move together. You can tell he's getting close from the way his breath is coming out in pants, and his moans are getting more desperate sounding. He rests his forehead against your shoulder, and you run your fingers through his curly hair, and he looks up at you.

"Kiss me," he whispers, and of course, you do. "M'getting close."

"Me too," you whisper back, and he reaches between you to stroke your clit. "Joe, I-"

"I know."

The room is filled with your moans, and heavy breathing as you both get closer and closer to the edge. Joe moves his hand and lies you down on the bed, so he's on top. He winks at you, and smirks as he puts your legs around his waist, and his hands either side of your head. He ducks down and kisses you softly before moving his hips, fucking you hard and fast, the way he knows you like it.

"Oh,my god Joe, I'm gonna cum!" You moan, digging your nails into his back.

"Do it, wanna feel you cum for me," he groans, and all it takes is him angling his hips just right, and you're coming, moaning his name probably way too loud, your whole body shaking. Joe curses and stills, pushing his cock inside you one last time as he cums into the condom, hard, his head dropping onto your shoulder as he whispers your name, telling you he loves you. You say it back, stroking his neck gently as he collapses on top of you, his head on your chest. "You're amazing."

"I think you'll find that's you, babe." You say breathlessly, grinning like a fool.

"I am pretty fucking good in bed, aren't I?" Joe grins, a teasing lilt to his voice.

"You always know what to say...so romantic," you roll your eyes, poking him in the tummy.

"Mhmm, you're very lucky. I mean, I even make sure you cum every single time we fuck, if that's not true love, I don't know what is." He pulls off the condom, tying it and throwing it into the bedside bin.

"Be still my beating heart!" You laugh and kiss the top of his head, rolling out from underneath him. He pouts, reaching out for you with grabby hands. "Joe, as much as I'd love to cuddle right now, I seriously need to shower after that. Wanna come with?"

"Depends, you might have to roll me, you've worn me out." he yawns, sitting up on the bed. "Besides, I already had a bath. Can't you just give me a sponge bath or something so I don't have to move?"

"Again, lazy. And I know you already showered, but if you think I'm cuddling with you when you smell like sweat and sex, you can fuck right off." You tease, grinning with your tongue poking between your teeth. You turn around, heading into the bathroom and turning on the shower. After waiting for the water to warm up, you step in, relishing the warmth cascading over you. A few minute later, you feel Joe's arms wrap around your waist and his body pressing up against yours. You stand in silence for a few moments, letting water fall down over you both. He then turns you around in his arms so you're facing him, your arms around his neck.

"Y'know, we could have just done it in here, that way we could be in bed right now." He says, flicking his wet hair out of his eyes. You run your fingers over the short hairs at the back of his neck as he leans his forehead against yours.

"Hey, I'm not the one who fell asleep before we'd even had a chance to do anything."

His face falls a little. "I'm sorry, I've been kind of a shitty boyfriend recently, haven't I?"

"What are you talking about?" You frown up at him, his beautiful brown eyes avoiding yours.

"Well, just with conventions and appearances and everything, and how busy we've been, I haven't had time to just...be with you, y'know?"

"Joe, we live together, we travel together, we're with each other every day almost-"

"That's not what I mean, we haven't been on a date in literally forever, I was at the con in Tokyo the entire day of our anniversary, and my dad was with us all day before that, for fucks sake!"

"Your dad is pretty much with us all the time, babe. It doesnt bother me, you know how much I love him. Turn around." You say, squirting some shampoo into your hand and massaging his scalp. He sighs.

"See, this is what I mean. You do all this nice stuff for me, like the back rubs, the food runs, the surprise blowies-"

"Which I do because I want to, not because I feel like I have to." You take the shower head off the wall and rinse his hair out, before running some conditioner through it. "I love you, and I know exactly what being with you entails. What kind of girlfriend would I be if I got salty about everything?"

"A normal one." Joe retorts, turning back around and gesturing for you to turn your back to him so he can wash your hair for you. "And I'm glad you're not, I just feel bad. You do everything for me and I can't even give you five minutes recently."

You don't respond, revelling in the feel of his fingers on your scalp, massaging in the shampoo. You hum appreciatively. He rinses out the shampoo and runs conditioner through your hair, making sure to cover every inch. "When we get home, I promise I'll make it up to you."

"Joe-"

"Please? We can go out and celebrate our anniversary properly, dinner, drinks, a movie, whatever you want."

You turn back around to face him. "What I want, is to stay in, order Chinese, shag and then fall asleep on the sofa with you. Joe you don't have to take me out, or buy me shit to make me feel like you love me. I know you love me, without all the materialistic crap, okay?"

He said nothing, instead he looked at you his eyes looking a little misty. He was an emotional mess tonight, but you couldn't really blame him. He blinked a couple of times, and kissed you on the nose.

"Turn around, you sap." He mumbled, giving you a small smile. He basically meant 'stop before you make me cry' in fewer words. You laughed softly, before turning back around so he could rinse your hair and his. Once you're clean, you step out and dry yourselves off, and you put on Joe's shirt again, this time pairing it with some pyjama shorts. You quickly dry my hair before getting back into bed, settling down with your head on his chest and his arms around you. "See, isn't this better than standing up and actually moving?"

"Mm," you sigh, already feeling your eyes getting heavy. "I miss our bed though."

"Me too, when we get home we are gonna spoon so fucking hard in bed for like a week." He mumbles into your hair.

"What about food and stuff?" You look up at him, raising an eyebrow. He laughs.

"Of all the things you're worried about, I love how food is at the top of that list. I fucking love you." He kisses the top of your head and switches off the bedside light. "Maybe we can persuade Wes to bring us breakfast in bed."

"Oh yeah, I can totally see him being okay with that," you laugh, my hand resting on Joe's stomach. "If anything, you owe me breakfast in bed after all these bloody photos I've taken of you. Know how hard it is to make you look good mid sentence?"

"Ouch, low blow, babe."

"I'm kidding, I'm kidding. You know I love looking at you, chocolate button eyes." You tease, laughing as he groans into his pillow.

"I need to learn to think before I divulge all this stuff. I'm never shaking that am I?"

"Never ever."

#joseph quinn fanfic #joseph quinn fanfiction #joseph quinn x you #joseph quinn x reader #joseph quinn smut #joseph quinn imagine #joseph quinn fluff #joseph quinn

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phanfictioncatalogue · 5 months

Text

College/University Roommates (2) Masterlist

part one

And it's all gonna be wonderful (ao3) - INeverHadMyInternetPhase (BirbWatcher)

Summary: Dan knows he and Phil are 'together'. There's no doubt in his mind about that. He's just... not quite sure how exactly to situate what they are, and especially not when something as stressful as Valentine's Day was coming up.

begin and never cease (ao3) - palomeheart

Summary: Dan is a grumpy second year law student living with reclusive, perpetual grad student named Phil. When the holiday season brings out a side of Phil that Dan’s never seen before, Meanwhile, when Phil finds out Dan hates all things festive, he makes it his goal to change Dan’s mind before Christmas. And also to find the perfect mince pie.

Flatmates (ao3) - intoapuddle

Summary: oh my god they were flatmates / the fuckboy!phil au we all deserve

forgetful (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: Phil always forgets the keys to the dorm room; luckily dan always has his back

gold & green (ao3) - lightninghowells

Summary: dan is a student at the university of manchester and he just moved into his first flat. now all he needs is a roommate.

Law Exams - amazingdanielhowell

Summary: Dan and Phil attend the same Uni. Phil catches Dan cheating on assignment/essay and blackmails him.

Meeting You (ao3) - developerdaniel

Summary: "I guess I know the answer to my worries," Dan whispered, alcohol still lightly on his breath but Phil didn't care. All he wanted to do was kiss Dan again – and so he did. He tilted his head just enough to press his lips to Dan's, starting a soft and slow kiss, their lips moving together like they'd been doing this for years while his body lit up like there was a fire in every one of his nerve endings.

~*~*~ aka dan and phil are roommates in college this semester and end up pining for each other and then having a good romp together. ft top phil, bottom dan, and some hq sexuals

My Homophobic Roommate - wordsofphandom

Summary: Phil is the best college roommate that Dan could have imagined, but things get awkward when he walks in on Dan with another boy. Is Phil just a homophobe or is there more to it?

Pictures Of You (ao3) - CanDanAndPhilNot (enbycalhoun)

Summary: Punk Phil and (softish) Dan find out they are roommates after a couple stressful encounters.

robot in the dorms (ao3) - itsmyusualphannie (itsmyusualweeb)

Summary: dan goes to university in florida and meets his roommate phil. after a few months, and despite dan's facade of disinterest, he begins to actually like phil and his nerdy ways. the robot that phil designs doesn't help.

or: another "oh my god they were roommates" fic but COOLER because robots

spilled intentions (ao3) - ordanary (ghostsofjersey)

Summary: It’s Dans first day of uni and everything is going decently until a black haired boy in his year spills coffee all over his jumper– and then it’s suddenly going wonderfully.

Temperature. (ao3) - heyitsnxel

Summary: Dan's first day of uni isn't exactly how he pictured it to be. But, in the end, maybe that's okay.

This Could be the End of Everything (ao3) - rainbowchristy

Summary: Dan’s finally starting university, the phase of his life he’s been waiting for since he was a small child. His first real chance at freedom, away from his parents. Unfortunately, the universe has other plans for him.

Prompt: au where dan and phil are college students who get separated when they're sent home bc of coronavirus. potential dan isn't out to his parents angst + general ldr angst + fluffy reunion when they get back to campus and everything is over pls

What We Lac (ao3) - phan_anon

Summary: Alpha!Phil might just have found what's been Lac-ing from his life in his housemate Omega!Dan...

#phanfictioncatalogue #phanfiction #phanfic #phan #masterlists #au #roommates #roommates masterlist #university

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bewareofthenewphannie · 2 months

Note

Hello friend! It’s been a while and now that we’re all just anxiously waiting I figured I’d send you an ask.

First of all, HAPPY WAD DAY! How are you feeling about the show?? Are you hyped?? I cannot wait for you to see this masterpiece, I’d love to hear all of your thoughts afterwards.

How have you been doing on your phannie journey? Any interesting new discoveries? Fun comfort videos or live streams that you’ve come across? I’d love a little update on that.

Do you still feel like a new phannie? Or have you integrated in the phandom so much that you’re really starting to just feel like part of all the madness instead of a newbie who’s somewhat of an outsider?

Have you been enjoying how active they’ve been? And generally how deranged they’re being in many ways? As an older phannie it does scare me quite a lot I will forever be a little scared that they could just abandon us, even though I know deep down they probably won’t, at least not without proper warning this time.

Any hills that you’re joining? Wedding hill? Dog hill (or perhaps cat hill)? Or other delusional theories that you’re really into right now?

I hope you have time to answer this super long ask. Enjoy the slittening and see you on the other side!

Hellooo there, lovely to hear from you :)

I do, in fact, have way too much time to answer this, so strap yourself in!

How are you feeling about the show? Are you hyped?

Oh trust me, I am soso hyped. Like, internally screaming hyped. I've seen bits and pieces of it and heard you guys and dan (and phil) talking about it and ahhh, I can't wait to finally see it. I know it will be so dan and I know I will love it and I am so incredibly proud of him for making it. Then Phil in the pre-show and The Slittening will just be pure fun, I'm also so looking forward to that. And! Dan yapping during the q&a will be great, so another thing to be hyped for.

I know it'll be such a good evening, I am so excited.

How have you been doing on your phannie journey? Any interesting new discoveries? Fun comfort videos or live streams that you’ve come across?

Okay, soo, there's a lot of new things I've discovered. Because no matter how much I see it just doesn't seem to stop (not complaining though).

A few weeks ago I had a phase where I listened to all of the promo podcasts dan did for ywgttn/wad because I just really wanted to hear him talk and since these mfers don't have their own podcast (yet...) that was the next best thing. So now I feel like I could answer any interview questions surrounding ywgttn. I had a great time though and it was especially funny to see the different hosts trying to press dan into whichever theme they have for their podcast.

Oh, and I impulsively bought ywgttn. I'm slowly working my way through it and it is kind of pretty good.

I recently watched more of their old solo content because I had neglected that a bit before and a fun thing I've started doing whenever I stumble across an old video that makes me go huh is checking people's archives here on tumblr to see what their live reaction was, which is really fun. it's so interesting to see all of it in retrospective, knowing what we know now.

Speaking of the fandom, I started reading fanfics...quite a lot of them and there are some pretty good ones out there (although I fear I am a bit spoiled by the abundancy of just downright amazing fics in the merlin fandom).

I also finally watched the mark of oxin, which is probably one of my favourite game-related things they've done. It has the undertale vibes (which I absolutely adore by the way) but paired with phil kind of guiding dan through it and dan being so blatantly proud of young phil - so yeah, that one definitely goes on the list of comfort videos.

I had to think about this for a moment and I think the right answer is that I do sometimes feel new to this - but so does everyone else. What I mean by this is that they keep pushing boundaries, doing things they wouldn't have done before. This is a new era for everyone and so I feel like I'm right in the middle of it along with everyone else.

Overall I do think I have settled in. I get the references now, I get the gravity behind certain things, and even though I wasn't here for it I feel like I understand the journey it took to get where we are now.

(a funny thing I noticed while rewatching some of the first videos I watched from them is just how out of the loop I was at the beginning. I didn't even consider that half of the jokes and references were flying over my head. well, but I did get there in the end. still not fully though.)

Also, most importantly probably, I have been talking to some people here (to the best of my ability) (sorry), which I really enjoy. It makes me feel like I genuinely am part of this community.

(if anyone's still reading this and wants to talk to me, please always feel free to message me!)

slightly related, I feel like I should change my name because it doesn't feel fully accurate anymore but I think I've grown attached.

Have you been enjoying how active they’ve been? And generally how deranged they’re being in many ways?

I have! I'm on winter break right now and just got knee surgery (which went well by the way), which means I have a lot of time and can't really walk right now, so this has been a really good thing to keep me occupied. and it's nice to have something to be excited for.

but on the other hand, I fully understand your apprehension, because it does feel like almost too much. I am almost certain that they will slow down a little after wad (at least I hope so. for their sake.).

But overall, and I think I've said this every single time you've asked me something so far, I am so glad I discovered them when I did. I've had enough time to get to know them so I can now fully apprechiate and enjoy all of their unhingedness. And die a little bit every single time. Did I already mention I'm scared for april fools?

Any hills that you’re joining? Wedding hill? Dog hill (or perhaps cat hill)? Or other delusional theories that you’re really into right now?

I will admit, I am still a bit careful around most types of theories and wedding-related hills, partially because I don't feel fully qualified to join the conversation, partially because it feels a bit much to me personally, but I do very much think the debate is entertaining to watch so please keep going.

now. pets. I know they won't get a cat because they have been hinting at dogs awfully much (I also don't think they'll get a dog in the near future but who know what will happen further down the line). but. I want them to get a cat. maybe I'm biased because I just generally think cats are superior to dogs, but it'd be so perfect for them. like, even all the practical aspects aside, they clearly love cats and the vibe would just fit so perfectly. just imagine a cat strolling around in the background of dapg video. perfect. but oh well, I've kind of given up hope on that.

okayy, that's it from me I think, if you want me to elaborate on anything, go ahead and ask! I really can't wait to see wad later and I'm sure it must be especially surreal for you, considering you were actually there when it was recorded.

I feel like we'll all end up crying tonight and it'll be an honor to do it alongside all of you <3

#answered asks #misty says things #I hope I didn't lose coherency somewhere along the lines but enjoy

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goldenpinof · 7 months

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Not that this is like, a hot new take or anything, but I can imagine that they both might be going through a bit of a crisis. Like their careers have finally died down but like, what do they do. They haven't done much else but be YouTube personalities (which is more than just YouTube, obv) for like, nearly 15 years. They are probably afraid to venture into new territory, because at this point that will likely mean risking either their brand or their bank accounts (like how Dan had to risk money to do the tour / offer to put up his own money for Dinok). Not that that's a good excuse, but I can understand being afraid and Phil just trying to hang on to his usual content for the both of them (as he also figures out work/life balance). Dan only did DD for the tour and it definitely felt kinda forced. Just doing their old stuff but with their older/out-of-closet selves isn't going to be successful in a way it's safe, for now.

As someone with a lot of the same kind of mental health struggles Dan has, I imagine he might be beyond burnt out and doesn't really want the attention anymore because of the work it requires. And even though it's like, okay it's been months since the tour okay what's next... idk what we'll really get out of him for a while (maybe a few years even?) besides random contract work like the channel 4 thing. Like, projection time, but I just got through grad school with extreme ADHD/executive dysfunction/procrastination etc, and was so burnt out by the end idk how I did it. And I'm like, oh well it's been about 6 months I should probably have a job in my field by now (which I'm probably insane for thinking that anyways because the job market is in so wild). But like, I've been kinda burnt out since 2016 (when I was 16 and a junior in high school, at the end of my og dnp phase) and all I can muster the mental energy to do now is the same part-time / retail work I've been doing the past few years. Which like, I'm barely getting by and I do ultimately feel disappointed that I'm not trying harder to put my fancy new degree to work because I'm barely applying for anything. But I just can't get myself together enough to do that right now. I imagine Dan might be going through something similar, like, he could be doing something creative but he probably is just tired and wants to just live life without any expectations and go on vacations and rely on Phil to be the content creator. He's probably aware that it's not ideal. But he also seems done with compromising any creative vision either because he doesn't want to do sponsorships or anything that isn't a deeply personal piece of art. And he probably doesn't have many deep ideas now that WAD is done and Dinok is stalled and there isn't much he seems to want to do commentary on (because if he just sucked it up he would actually be a pretty good commentary YouTuber lol).

I think they also have a lot more stuff to work through mental health wise too before they are ever really able to not be cryptic about their relationship, since when ex-phannies or random people who remember them see their tiktoks or whatever it's what they all ask about. Like to some degree I don't know if they ever wanted to be out and famous but it got to the point where they couldn't keep denying it either. I'm so glad they came out because it's clearly so much healthier, but beyond the trauma of being closeted that they had to overcome they probably now have trauma from years and years of people being weird towards them about their relationship and it's like... now they have get through that in order to take the next step. do they really want to go through all that just to help open themselves up to a new era of content? Idk.

(this turned out to be wayyy longer than I anticipated woops. can't even remember if some of this was in response to what was on your blog or some of the other similar conversations I've seen about this today but yeah).

i'm almost crying. i hate us so much. this is exactly why the phandom needs meet ups irl or "bubbles" where we could have conversations. because trying to answer THAT without forgetting something is hard, and also i can't imagine how hard it is to write these mini-essays and get bullshit in response.

i appreciate it a lot. and i basically agree with your message. i see how it can be true. and i know that in case of burnout, Dan can let himself step back. the problem i have with him disappearing and coming back after 2018 is that he thinks that the audience will wait for him and accept everything he puts out with the same passion, participation, and amount of money as when he and Phil were making content without long pauses. but book sales, merch sales, tour ticket sales, views and god knows what else that we can't see show that we aren't willing to wait. and it started in 2019 i guess, so you would think that by 2022 Dan would understand what went wrong and just book smaller venues (or make a smaller stage for it to not be a problem). i'm using wad just as an example. you said Dan could not want attention anymore. but he repeatedly says that he loves attention. and it's not only words, you can see it irl. ofc after tours there is a period of time to rest. but before that, there was a clusterfuck of something that was barely content while the merch releases were consistent. either because it was pre-made or because Dan was still living in a rose-colored world thinking that we would buy stuff without content. i'm not sure what i'm arguing here anymore riuehdfsidxkl apologies, i guess it's related to Dan wanting to fuck off. and he CAN. i don't care, 2019 taught me a lesson. (doesn't mean i can't bitch about it <3)

anyway. i understand your struggles with work and degree. basically, i was in the same position after graduating, and now it's even more difficult but i get it. choosing to work part-time, in retail and similar "easy" jobs because you can't deal with the weight of expectations that come with a degree, that's... yeah. an adult reality that no one told us about. i wish you the best, and i hope everything works out well. whatever you decide to do, remember you don't have to use your degree if you don't want to or just don't feel like you can at this moment. you know, getting a fancy "serious" job is such a commitment, bruhh. and you can always walk out of retail :)

Dan would be a brilliant commentary youtuber, you're right! he just knows how to talk and make people listen.

their brand is already fucked, nothing to save here. i mean, Dan and Phil brand doesn't exist. Dan's youtube brand is all over the place. AmazingPhil is the only consistent thing. and yes, it feels like Phil is terrified of shifting in any direction. we're stuck with 2016 content, it's like a real-life time machine on youtube. and if it works for him, fine. i'm just sad that there is no "trying new things" anymore and that he can't even get old successful things back.

i'm not commenting on their relationship because it would be too long. fuck tiktok though. i think dnp jumped to this "new popular" platform with no actual regular content to present as a distraction and that bit them in the ass.

#i'm so sorry #this is a disaster #answered #phandom #wad #??

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train-mossman · 2 years

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10 thoughts on why i quit youtube:

1. *insert phangirl squealing here*

2. he has a whole fucking creative team now and people are not talking enough about it. genuinely looking forward to what the whole team brings to the table and creates.

3. i am so proud of him. we all, as a phandom, are collectively proud of him. i hope he feels it.

4. people who say they expected this video to be funny and were shocked by its seriousness are severely under selling the comedy genius of all 75 minutes. this video was fucking hilarious. i laughed out loud more than in any other yt video i’ve watched all month

5. the commentary on danandphil, as a brand, as joint content, being both genuine and at least partially in the past was beautiful and healing to me personally. dan’s always held such a firm grasp on who his core audience is and what our relationship is like and i never tire of listening to him wax poetic about the entity that is us

6. this video was not about phil, it was hardly about dan and phil, but i still listened to my phanisreal playlist and cried after watching the video. the existence of one just validates the other and brings me so much joy

7. the ability to actively not completely hate people who run a corporation for participating in the lure of greater, uncontrollable, society even though it so greatly harmed him personally because it also helped make him who he is, but still not letting them get away with their shit is the exact kind of energy humanity needs more of and it inspired me in ways i’ve not yet fully processed. (i do not apologize for that monstrosity of a sentence)

8. *more phangirling noises about the world tour*

9. can we stop with the “what year is it?” “who remembers their dan and phil phase?” “can’t believe i’m still watching this man make jokes” ? please. i mean, live your truth, but live it fully. dan is an artist. dan and phil are artists. they aren’t a phase. they are still making content and its fucking good content. he’s back from the dead now so just love him unabashedly. or don’t. but don’t pretend like you don’t love his content and its just nostalgia when its actually really fucking good.

10. i cannot explain how excited i am for more content. thank you god for more content. (well, actually, thank you dan) this is all i need in life. thank you thank you thank you

#phanisreal #daniel howell #amazingphil #dan and phil #danisnotonfire #why i left youtube #phan #phandom #youtube #phangirling #fangirl

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maceofpentacles · 1 year

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tag people you want to get to know better

tagged by @ihione ty <33

3 ships: i’m not much of a shipper anymore tbh. i grew out of that phase a WHILE ago

1st ever ship: either dan and phil or dean and cas i do not remember

last song: i know the end by phoebe bridgers

last movie: the sea beast!! very good i highly recommend it if you have netflix :)

currently reading: the wolf den by elodie harper!! i got the second book of the trilogy today even tho i haven’t finished the first one yet shhhhh

currently watching: i’m about to watch the lord of the rings the two towers with my sibling tonight hehe

currently consuming: nothing,, i’m gonna munch on popcorn during the movie tho

currently craving: mmmmm i don’t know

tagging: @crxptid-teeth @blyth-thehuman @melianisnothere @shiny-speedy-devotee + anyone else who wants to do it :)

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an-anonymous-autobiography · 9 months

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back in my periodic dan and phil phase and it’s making me think (WIP)

growing up i was always a bit quirky (autistic) and not like the other girls (not really a girl?) and i - was the quintessential - weird kid. i was picked on a fair bit by the other kids, some of them did give me a hard time, but the worst was from the adults. i was too weird, i didn’t behave right, i was a right stroppy teen (i had needs/boundaries), i was the one who had to be whipped into shape, i had to change to fit what was expected of me. i mean really i was kind of just asking for all of the trauma by choosing to be so strange and difficult (autistic and overwhelmed), they were just showing me some good old fashioned tough love.

this didn’t just apply to the ‘difficult’ emotions, it applied to everything. i experienced all of my emotions in the wrong way - the amount of times i was called aggressive just for being passionate about something and getting a little over exuberant. i was forced to quell my happiness because i didn’t show it properly, i felt everything too intensely and any non standard show of emotion had to be kept in check and not left to get out of hand. any chance i did get i took to far cos it was so unfamiliar to me and i didn’t know how to handle it.

i had to do things with reason, there had to be purpose, i guess there kinda had to be a demographic of sorts, someone to validate it and say yes i like this and therefore approve of you doing it.

“i want to do this” “but why?”

“who’s going to see/watch/read/like it?”

bitch? ME!! i want to do this for ME! why must my happiness need someone else’s permission?

i felt i had to justify being happy, or just purely existing. i always had to have a reason for doing things, it seemed the people around me didn’t really understand that sometimes i just wanted to do things for fun. they acted like my trying to be happy was unnatural and as a result those traits were trained out of me, as if joy is disallowed past age 8 and as if autism can be undiagnosed with enough positive thinking and discipline.

i always felt i had to be ‘proper’, and by proper i mean like, serious, mature, without frivolous intention, planned to a T. there was a right way to do things and all i knew was that i could never do it.

bringing this back to dan and phil. i’ve been watching some of their old videos, i keep watching them over again, sometimes i’ll finish one and then replay it pretty much instantly. it gives me so much nostalgia from when i was a kid, but also i can see so much of my old self in what they do. all of that joy that i wanted to experience, just simple awkward nerdy fun. people loved them for it and still do.

it’s not just them, there were/are so many people who became successful because of those traits that everyone tried so desperately to rid me of and it makes me sad to think of all i could have been if i’d just been allowed to be myself.

some of my quirks were a little too outlandish at times but i don’t think any child has a perfect grasp on the real world. i had so much promise and drive and it was taken from me for no reason

seeing all the people i knew, living their lives and being successful, getting jobs, getting degrees, getting married, etc etc. seeing all the people who were ‘worse’ than me now living more fulfilling lives than i feel i’ll ever have. hurts. it hurts to know all of the pain i went through as a kid was for nothing. it didn’t help me, i could have been far greater if i’d been able to just, be. they tried so hard to fix me and all they did was make me so much worse.

i don’t understand anything. i know nothing about the real world, no one ever thought i’d be capable of living like a normal person so i was kept from it. i feel like i was constantly forbade from just living.

it makes me so sad. so angry. all of the life i missed out on cos no one thought i could be human.

i am so tired of being half human.

i could have had a life, i could have done so much, actually been someone. but now i just hide in my room, i literally never leave the house, i don’t do anything. i’m sick of it, being forced to be no one. i’m me and i’ve always been me no matter how much you hate that and you can’t take that away from me. i am ME, you are not. you don’t know me better than i do, you barely know me at all, you don’t deserve to control me the way you do. i’d leave but you trapped me here, hid me from the outside world and got angry when i asked if i was allowed life skills. you made me into this burden you hate so much, and i’m not sorry for the pain that caused you.

███, ███ i just wish you’d take me away, let me stay with you, teach me how to be human like you are.

it’s way too early and i haven’t been to sleep yet

i’m rambling and i can barely keep my eyes open

#WIP #dan and phil #sleepy rant #trauma dump #it’s too early and i’ve not slept so i honestly have no idea what i’ve written #i’ll make it neat when i can be bothered to #i can’t keep my eyes open so i haven’t read this through #rant

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what-if-nct · 1 year

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hiiii today's reminder is i sometimes see shipping discourse in k pop spaces (which is most of the reason why I've limited my k pop intake to this blog, shitposts on instagram and my one irl friend, so my exposure to these arguments is minimised) and it's like whiplash because. logically i know k pop fans are a pretty young demographic, but because i only actually interact with you and my one friend who's the same age as me, i don't see those awful clearly-from-a-middle-schooler takes as much. so when i do see them I'm confused because didn't we all get over this discourse with Dan and Phil back in the day? and then i remember that these are Kids and they weren't around for all of that and my big sister instincts of "what are you doing go to school stop putting out these horrible takes on the internet with your full legal name and address attached to it" kick in. but then i remember that they're 14 and it's physically impossible for them to see that they're wrong. because like i remember when i was 14 and. yikes. but at least the internet was marginally safer then. also in hindsight it's been a decade since i was 14 which what the actual fuck

ok i have no idea what i started with I'm sleepy and blabbering ok bye good night

Hiii, Oh goodness Dan & Phil *shudders* I'm happy for whatever they have going on but how I hoped they weren't real for the sheer fact I didn't want shippers to have the satisfaction. It was such a dark time. I remember any woman Dan or Phil did a video with was attacked. And if you dare say you like their dynamic with anyone else but each other torn apart. Even PJ, like how can you hate a Phil and PJ video? But we've moved past this, I refuse to look at the comments of newer videos therefore it's over, we're out of the woods.

But yeah we can just hope that it's only a phase and they'll grow out of it and this isn't who they are. We can only hope cause I know exactly what you mean. TikTok is not that bad but sometimes I'm like why aren't you guys doing your homework. Please find something else to do. I don't want to get into how I feel about shipping, I think you can guess and I might say something mean about it. But they are people you don't know so don't be weird about their friendships and analyze every single movement and word.

Also I never understood people's hate for x reader fics. Like why are they so hated for what reason. I'm a little self centered so it's the only kind I read. I just don't understand the collective disdain. Heck I even self insert in posts here I don't think it's obvious which storyline it is though. I also have a storyline for a friend. I'll say it and it may be unpopular and looked down upon by other fans but x reader is 100x better and less cringey than ship fics. There I said it. Burn me at the stake.

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dramaphan · 2 years

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No matter how insistent Dan is that he enjoyed his Dan and Phil days and that he thought what they made was good, I just don't think it's actually the case. I think he regrets it. I think he's ashamed that his legacy is "that guy I was obsessed with during my cringy middle school phase". I also think he resents Phil a bit for it. you can see that resentment in the joint videos after they came out. they're a ticking time bomb and I'm just sticking around to see what phannies do after the explosion

I don’t know if I fully agree with you here but I love the dramatics of it all

#ask

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lesbiandanhowell · 4 months

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5, 12, 19

5. TV show of the year

This might seem like a strange answer but Castle! I rewatched it and it brought back so much nostalgia and made me realize how much I love this show. Funny enough my first Castle obsession and my first Dan and Phil phase were around the same time and both made a comeback this year.

12. Talk about a new friend you made this year

I met someone at a wynonna earp convention this summer and we've become such good friends which I am grateful for. We immediately clicked and found out we live close together and she actually makes an effort to meet up and it makes me feel very grateful. But I overall made a lot of new friends this year that I feel incredibly seen and appreciated by which is a new thing (sadly).

19. What are you excited about for next year

Seeing Taylor Swift honestly! I am going to be going to her concerts with some internet friends I have known for many years and meeting one for the first time at another one. I think sharing those experiences with the friends is something I am really looking forward to.

end of year asks

#send me questions pls #sam answers #danrifics

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badstrangerdragon · 1 year

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Vent #1

I have no one to talk to normally and I don't want to bother my friends or my mom with my mental issues or with what I'm struggling with.

My first thought was to journal but I always forget to because of my ADHD, and I'll probably forget about this blog too. I just want to scream into the unknown abyss of the internet and let my frustration out, maybe somebody will find this blog, or they won't...but that's okay. This is for me, and no one else. :)

It's been years since I've used tumblr, I think One Direction was at their peak fame and I came here to read fanfics and eventually got into Dan & Phil, which took me to my emo phase and I never outgrew it lol

I mean do we really need to leave our sense of style and taste of music behind just because we are a certain age? As long as you're not being a creep to others in the community or hurting anyone I don't see the problem. I miss the times where cancel culture wasn't a thing yet and we could just enjoy things, the sense of innocence and ignorant bliss was just a euphoric feeling that I wish I still had.

But nope, I had to become and adult with a strong moral compass that can't support someone that's a bad person (it's not a bad thing, just kind of annoying). I mean what if someone doesn't know about the person being canceled and you make them feel bad about it? I mean we can separate the artist from their art; there is a way to enjoy their content w/o generating them income and actively supporting them. People go back to things that can be problematic just for nostalgia and ethically not support the person "canceled". I mean it depends on what they got canceled for in the first place too lol

It feels good to ramble on about nothing and everything at the same time, I will try to do this more often for my mental health and my "happieness" (Just so I don't go crazy.)

Peace peeps :3 see u next time

#vent post #personal vent #venting #controversial opinion

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incorrecteef · 1 year

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interesting crowd indeed. I think I picked out my favorite creators in middle school and just never watched anyone else lmao. Rhett and Link, the good mythical morning people if you're familiar, were the first ones, and I found Mark and his crowd, and Thomas Sanders. You're probably familiar with him from vine, the storytime guy? those are basically the only people I watch, but I did have a gnarly Dan and Phil and Dodie and KickthePJ phase for a good few years. Something about them Brits.

bit interesting luv innit 🇬🇧

I’m familiar with everyone you mentioned!

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eriellesudario · 7 years

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Lets Talk About It: Depression and how it affected me

Trigger Warning: Depression

PS: I plan to make a video about this topic in the future

PPS: I’m not trying to get attention. I don’t want pity. I just want to release my thoughts about what’s bothering me. I don’t really enjoy talking it out because it just goes full circle and things just get really complicated and it will make me feel way more shittier than I was hours before. It’s best if I type it out.

PPPS: Not gonna put names and gender pronounce cuz defamation law exist.

Depression sucks.

But before I continue on, I need to tell you what depression is.

According to Beyondblue, depression is more than being sad and moody. It’s feeing really bad about yourself that it affects your physical and mental health. Some of the symptoms involve a lot of things such as being anti-social, feeling guilty, unfocused, headaches, loss of appetite and so many others.

Here is a link to Beyondblue’s site for more information

And for me, I somewhat suffer from it.

Sadly, my condition wasn’t officially diagnosed by a doctor or any medical professional, but based on the observation from my peers, high school teachers (from both high schools I’ve been in), advice from Headspace, my family, and as well as searching it up on Google on symptoms… I pretty much have it and this year, the people around me are getting really concerned about it.

Just recently, one of my co-workers in my part time job thought I just stormed out of work just because I looked ‘really really upset’ but in reality, I went out to get dinner and I had a lot going on in my mind that night.

The reason why I don’t go to a doctor or a professional about it is a really complicated reason involving me and my entire family that’s best not to get into.

But even if I never get it checked, I pretty much have it (I think).

In the past, mental health was never advocated in my primary school back in the Philippines. The only time I got to hear the words ‘bullying’, ‘depression’ and ‘suicide’ was in mid Term 2 in Year 7 when the bullying got worse for me that teachers started to notice that I wasn’t happy in class and theories started to form. They had to confront me and ask what was wrong, and when I mean that, I mean they had to convince me to tell them because as someone who has zero knowledge on what bullying is, I wouldn’t spill the beans due to fear.

From time to time in high school, I still continued to feel like rubbish, but it wasn’t as bad as it was this year (we’ll get to that later). Normally I’d get upset, probably for the whole day and the next day, I’d feel better unless the issue continues.

In senior year however, I pretty much had a grudge against my high school due to the ‘incident’ that I will not go into much detail because it will just trigger memories that I want to forget. But my friends knew how during year 12 that I wanted to get out of high school, to graduate and just go to university.

2016 was one of my best years in regards towards my mental health, not because I got support from university lecturers to pursuit my passions, not because Dan and Phil came to Australia, not because of my average grades, not even because of the Phandom Meet Ups and the extraordinary experiences I’ve done throughout the year. Despite all of those being good valid reasons why I was mentally well that time, the real reason is that I because my social life was balanced. I was able to calm myself down because I wasn’t expected to fully socialise with others. Yes, I have made friends but I was in a situation where I’m satisfied with the bond and relationship we currently have. Mainly because I knew that I wouldn’t see most of these people during second year because of majors and timetable stuff.

Yes, I will admit that there were some rough days and times where I returned to feeling depressed but they didn’t last long or affected me real badly. It didn’t phased me much since the good moments weighed over the bad.

2017 however… this was a game changer.

I started having a more active social life. And it was both a good and bad thing.

Good thing because it means I’m no longer alone and we need to make connections (cuz it’s uni), but bad cuz I have less experience with socialising with others that I tend to do a lot of stupid shit… which leads to terrible outcomes and embarrassment.

If you follow me on Twitter and Tumblr, then you already know before hand what I’m going to be talking about.

Around 6 weeks ago, I met someone. This person was really… REALLY nice. Like they we’re really cool and for some reason, this person knew everything there is to know about me in under an hour. We’ve met IRL a few times but I make use of that time to know them more.

Then one night, we watched a movie together. It was fun. We went to Woolies before the film and I told them that I can eat a large bucket of popcorn alone. They didn’t believe me but I proved them wrong afterwards. After the movie, the uni squad and my online friend Acacia noticed that I was happier than before. They saw this happiness was more than my excitement when I met Dan and Phil for Cool For Summer. It was the feeling of belonging. I told them that this person was like me (and they were), we’re both photography nerds, we plan to go to Vivid Sydney together and my intensions to know them more.

My friends think this person is a cool dude* and wish to meet them in real life (especially Acacia). Some even started to ship us. And I don’t mind since people shipped me with other people before.

Biggest shipper is Acacia.

*I call everyone a dude btw, both girls, boys and anyone in between

But this post is not about me ranting about what my friend did to make me upset.

This post is about how I felt and how it affected me.

Recently, I screwed up a friendship with them. This person who I thought was super cool and super nice… started to treat me badly. People told me to stop being afraid to express myself, to take a chance and be me, knowing that this person is clearly similar to me… except older… and perhaps more nerdier than me.

Basically:

So much is going on in university + me doing stupid shit = The friendship is in the brink of being over.

To be honest, I (and plenty of others) thinks its over but my heart believes that there is still hope for it to last.

But in reality, nope.

This affected me real bad.

How bad?

May 18 2017.

I became an emotional mess. I cried in the library, fandom antics couldn’t cheer me up, YouTube didn’t help and I was pretty much alone because all of my friends were not around to help me.

Minutes later, I DM’ed one of my friends who thankfully was online and vented out about my loneliness and why I’m feeling like rubbish. Then the uni squad finally arrived to my rescue. They allowed me to cry in front of them because they knew I was holding my feelings in for a very long time that I could no longer hold it any longer. I made it sound like I’m fine for a long period of time, that I’m ok with it with everything that happened. But I really wasn’t. I was crying, and really upset, and a few people from uni who were near where my friends and I were, came and comforted me. My friends tried to make me laugh and told me that they will beat this person up for being a nerd (or being more nerdy since I’m also a nerd). But what really comforted me the most was when I asked one of my friends for a hug. This friend wasn’t much of a hugger but our other friends had to convince them to do it because I was in a really, really low mood and I really needed a hug. It was really nice and perhaps one of the best hugs I’ve ever received.

I did eventually feel better but I still wasn’t ok. I still get triggered when I’m in certain locations in university (mostly the library) and I now have a tendency to have a mental breakdown when I’m alone for a long period of time.

Luckily, I managed to calm myself down and was able to get my work done but who knows when I will break down again.

But what I’m worried the most is about what will happen to me when I go to Vivid Sydney.

This person and I planned to go to Vivid Sydney together to take photos (and perhaps model for each other) for portfolio purposes, but due to all the drama that occurred, it’s more likely I will be going alone. I’m totally cool with going solo, but what I’m worried about is having an emotional breakdown… in the middle of Vivid!

People are telling me not to go and cancel. I don’t want to since Vivid is the perfect opportunity for me to practice night photography and this event was like a good luck charm for me. Vivid 2014 was my first vlog that I’ve ever posted on the internet and my blog post for Vivid 2015 was one of the reasons why I made it in to university.

I have to go.

But the question is: Will I be ok?

So how am I feeling right now?

I’m getting better a bit.

It will take a while for me to fully recover but at the moment, I will try to smile a bit. I can’t be this upset forever.

I know I have friends who are already tired of me talking about this and I apologise but please note that it really takes a long while for me to move on. Hopefully by second semester, I’m back to my fangirl self.

And to the person who I’m talking about in this blog post, if you see this, you were a really cool dude. Like I enjoyed having you as company and the reason why I message you a lot is because when I messaged you about a few of my problems, you made me feel better. And I enjoy having you around, you’re easy to talk to.

Guess that’s not happening anymore.

But what can we learn from this?

Don’t take your friends for granted. It’s really hard for me to make friends and when I do, most of the time, we hardly have anything in common except we’re doing the same subjects.

Like I said, this person was almost exactly similar to me. We had a lot of common interest and we can talk about films without anyone getting lost (cuz the uni squad are film nerds). And knowing that I screwed up and the chances of us still remaining friends is really slim, it hurts me emotionally because I constantly blame myself for what happened when my friends constantly tell me that it’s not my fault.

But overall, it’s to try to have control over your mental health. This is easier said than done but for me, I can’t keep blaming myself or feeling hurt over something like this. There will be other people who might be the perfect match.

But right now, I just need to work my way to letting go.

But just saying… I really enjoyed your company and I really did want to know you more. I guess my approach wasn’t… the ideal way to do it.

#2017 #advice #life #mental health

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