#i was told that i act like my father

[plush-rabbit]

Selfish Moments

Summary: I wanted to write something soft and this has been in the docs for a while, so here it is!! 

Characters: Dabi and Shigaraki 

Word Count: 1.4K each -

Dabi:

It's become a routine for him to invade your home and make a mess of things. To have dirt and grime in the shape of his shoe stain the floor, to have picture frames bumped and knocked over when he stumbles into a room. It’s become addictive with the way that you allow him to do this, smiling softly and setting him down on the couch. And you clean him; you dab a white towel that has turned dirty with blood and ash. And when you smile and touch his face, wiping away at the dried blood that streaks down and falls to the floor, you lean over, and you kiss him sweetly. You tell him that he’s making a mess of things, and kiss his lips again, hands clutching at his shirt, desperate to keep him here, and he’s reminded how vile he is for having invaded your life. 

You’ve reminded him countless times how he’s always welcomed in your home, how you’ll have  a meal ready for him, warm and ready, made to perfection. You’ll shower him in love and care, in tenderness he’s only ever known in memories, and he’ll wonder if he could ever do the same for you. 

A part of him wants to. He wants to return the tenderness, the comfort and care that you’ve given him. He wants to be without debt, without having to lay awake and wish that he would have kissed you more, would have kissed you again and again if it meant that he didn’t have to guilt bleed through his lips and have his body aflame in wishing and wanting.

He doesn't need to hear you say an "I love you", doesn't even need for any words to be said out loud or whispered when he's asleep. He just wants to know that you do. And in these soft moments, when he's sitting on your couch, the smell of smoke and cheap cologne seeping into the fabric of your couch, he can pretend that you do. That you feel the same way that he feels for you. 

Loving you comes so easy to him. It's nice, and warm. It's welcoming, and it's you cleaning him up and making him a space in your home. It's him ruining you. It's him leaving scorched handprints on random pieces of furniture. Stealing hair ties and scarves. Leaving shirts for you to wash and for him to return to, his scent gone and replaced by yours. 

"Dabi." He can feel his heart race when you call his name. 

If you were to call him anything else, he thinks he would combust, explode into himself and scar you beyond belief. 

And yet, he wants to tell you to call him by his given name. He wants to know how that would sound, if it would sound as soft and adored as his chosen one does. And of course, he knows the answer. He knows that you’d cherish that name, that you’d whisper it to him, and never grow tired of it. If he were to tell you what his given name was, he’s positive that you’d hold it gently on your tongue, and you’d only tell it to him, and you’d never dare to whisper it anywhere else but in your room. 

He hums in response. His eyes haven’t left yours. 

"I asked if you wanted to spend the night." Your hands brush at the side of his head, pinching two fingers between a lock of hair and pulling at it, letting the soot fall to the floor. "It’s late and you look like you need sleep.”

His stomach churns at the thought of spending the night, twists and flips violently, and he hates how his heart sputters and jumps at the thought of sleeping in your bed. He wishes he could stare at you forever. He gives a crooked grin and stands up, watching as your hand falls and returns to you. "Lead the way," he says. 

You hand him clothes that are too pristine for him to wear. He knows that if he changed in front of you, he’d ruin it all, ruin your perception, ruin your floors, ruin the clothes that you’ve cared for. There’s no need for him to talk and explain himself as he walks into the bathroom and lets steam fog the mirror and he bites the insides of his cheeks when the water stings his back. He stands underneath it, watching the blood and grime swirl down the drain, gone forever, but the tile stays dirty, and he smells like milk and honey when he stands at the doorway, watching you read something.

It doesn’t take long for you to notice him, and when you do, you make space for him beside you.

In the night, through the blinds where moonlight comes in pieces, he watches you sleep. You've dropped all your defenses around him- there's no need for you to feel unsafe around him. And sometimes, he thinks that you're an idiot for that. Sometimes he wants to wrap his hands around your throat and have you wake up to him with blood painting at his cheeks and dripping onto you. He wants to be violent and bare his teeth at you, and spit fly when he yells. He wants you to cry and hate him. He wants all of the ugliness to show itself fully to you. 

But then you twitch and your hand finds his, even in slumber, you reach for him. And he hates himself for all he is is death and war. He wants to be soft. He wants to wake up in the morning with birds singing at the window sill, and the morning news muffled between the walls. He wants life to be with you where he doesn't have to part ways and sneak out through the window and be trapped in a box. He wants to lie down and kiss at your face and your hands and feel safe. He wants you to care for him, to ignore the blood on his hands.

He needs you to feel the same way- to want the same as he does.

“What are you thinking about?” You murmur with your eyes still closed and with sleep heavily laced into your words. 

“How’d you know I was awake?” He asks, desperate to keep his hand limp and not grip at you with ferocity.

“I can just tell.” A yawn interrupts your words, and you don’t speak again, but a light squeeze of your hand tells him that you’re waiting for his response.

He’s going to lie to you and even if you do know it’s a lie, you’re far too polite to confront him. “I was thinking about how I’m going to sneak out.” 

“You don’t have to,” you add. “You can spend the day and leave at night.” 

“Do you want me to stay?”

“I always want you to stay.” You say it without pausing, and it’s honest, and it makes him scowl. 

He hates how he needs to ask you if you want him to stay, and he hates it even more that you’ll never say no. “Okay,” he says without a fight. He hates himself for wanting your acceptance. You hum, and press yourself closer to him, your breathing soft and steady. “Only cause you’d twist my arm if I said no,” he adds, trying to save face, trying to ignore how tight his chest feels when you’re beside him.

When he's gone from your life, he needs you to cry. He needs to know that you sobbed and heaved and begged to be taken with him. He never wants you to heal from him. He wants to run you through the ground, leaving you too messed up for anyone else, the hole that he would leave too big and too great to ever be filled. He wants you to claw at the dirt and grass and beg for the world to swallow you whole- to search for a corpse that was never buried and never loved. 

All he wants is to sit at the table with you and share breakfast. He needs you to want and crave every part of him, the ugly and the wretched, the soft parts of him that only reveal themselves when you’ve turned a blind eye. 

Dabi is a tragedy at heart. It’s his birthright, the only one given to him.

-

Shigaraki Tomura:

The itching only stops for a moment. For a minute, he’s left without pain, left without having to claw at his neck and chest, the need and want to tear himself open, to rip out his skin and have his bones bare and bloody, can only disappear for so long. For a moment, he’s at peace, the nerves that have clawed and had bile pool under his tongue thinned and nothing more than a reminder of just moments ago. 

You’re on his lap, arms wrapped tight, and face hidden where his shoulder and neck meet. He can feel your breath, steady and warm, fan across him, and the only reason that he knows that you aren’t asleep, is because of the shapes that you trace over his forearm. 

Your fingertips are soft compared to his. 

He stares blankly into space, and he wants to speak. He wants to tell it all to you. All of his life, all of his day, all of thoughts; only if it meant that he could hear you speak to him, to know that you are real, and that he is loved. He thinks about the countless times that you were so eager to tell him anything and everything, and just knowing that it was him that had you seeing stars, made him eager and obsessive for you. He made you happy. You wanted to talk to him despite it all, despite who he is, and where he’s been.

He never wants to leave you. He never wants to move from this spot. He wishes that this moment would be forever still. Tomura wishes that you would stay curled up in his lap for all of eternity, frozen in time, frozen and loved, and he’d be victimless, trapped beneath you, wanting to forever feel your warmth. 

His hand hurts. The part where his fingers used to ache in pain and he wonders how long it’ll last, and he wonders if he could do anything to make it hurt more until he’s gritting his teeth and biting his tongue. 

It’s worse than an itch, but it’s all the same. The desire to poke at it, to make himself bleed, but also the knowing that it wasn’t him who got rid of his own appendages. It made things difficult for a while, and when he’d catch you staring at him, he knew that there was pity in your eyes. You’d treat him as if he were glass. You’d hold his hand delicately, fingertips brushing just at the edge of the scarring, ghosting over the marred flesh that wrinkled, and you’d get lost in those simple motions. 

Tomura has been under your gaze before, peered through your lashes, watched and terraced by your hand as you studied him in a way that made him feel all too seen. He craved those moments, needed you to look at him, through him, to see how red his irises are, and trace his scars, letting your fingertip brush at his lashes. 

He remembers being unable to breathe during those times, stiff and unmoving, afraid that even the simplest gesture would have you retreat and never look at him again. 

But after his fight, you shifted your focus to his hand. You’d cradle it gently, and when he went to change the bandages, you offered to change them for him. He heard your breath hitch, felt your breath on the sensitive skin and when you kissed at the center of his palm, too worried that you’d injured him with a featherlight kiss, he felt his whole hand go aflame. 

As if reading his mind, you grab at his hand, and finally, you move, and life returns to the world, and he is aware that at some point, he’s going to have to leave, and he’ll be cold without you.

“What are you thinking about?” You ask, running the pad of your index finger up and down his, tracing over the lines on his knuckles. 

There’s an ache in his chest, tight and unforgiving, and it makes it difficult to breathe. “I hate meetings,” he mumbles. The bile in his mouth makes it difficult to swallow.

You breathe out a laugh, and swipe your finger in a curve, your index now tracing over his middle finger. “I’m not too fond of them either,” you admit, and you’re looking up at him. 

When he looks down, he finds it difficult to stay looking at you, but he wills himself to. “Why do you stay then?” His voice is strained, and once again, he’s unable to breathe. 

“I like being with you,” you answer earnestly. You smile up at him, it’s a slow smile that slowly stretches and you look down at his hand for a brief second before looking back up at him. “You’re gonna be busy for a while, and I wanna get in as much time as I can with you.”

Oh.

It’s difficult to keep looking at you after that statement. It’s enough to have his chest tighten and he looks away, turning his head to look at the door, wondering if someone will save him from this grief.

What you told him is true- he will be busy, and you sit around in boring meetings with people who you aren’t close to, to just be with him. All you want to do is spend time with him. It makes his chest hurt, and he’s unable to breathe, too aware of it to keep it normal, to make it seem like what you told him isn’t a big deal. 

“I want-” his voice cracks and he swallows whatever little spit he has- “I want to spend time with you too,” he says in a low whisper, unable to make it any bit louder. He’s positive that if he were to tell you this sentiment out loud then something bad would happen.

You return to hide your face in the crook of his neck, wrapping your arms around his, your hand sliding down to envelop his and he’s sure that that position couldn’t be comfortable, but even so, you stick with it, closing your eyes and keeping close to him.

His canines bite into the soft flesh behind his lips, and the pain isn’t nearly enough to have him distracted. The hand that you hold, that hand that has been through hell and ripped apart, burns, and the need to scratch and peel his skin grows great.

Even if he tries to keep himself composed around you, you know him. You know how he panics, and you kiss at his neck where his heart pumps and you can feel his pulse quicken, beat and pour blood and he’s sure that if it were possible, he’d gush blood out his body, leaking and staining your clothes and you’d hold him to your chest and coo nothing but soft words to him. 

He’d never hurt you. He’s made you cry and he’s apologized and kissed your tears and made broken promises that he would never dare to make you cry again. Of course, he’s still made you cry, and you still sought out comfort in him, pressing yourself against him, clinging and twisting his shirt in case he did just vanish into thin air. But, even so, he hopes that when you die, you are taken with him. You’re wrapped around him, clinging to him, stuck forever with him. He wants to take you to the grave, to keep you forever his. 

A part of him hopes that no matter what happens to him, that you would never move on. It’s selfish and cruel of him, but he wants it with his whole being. He could lie and tell you and wish to the stars that you’d end up with someone normal, with someone who can take you out, but he doesn’t want that. He wants you to sit in your room, holed up and blocking the outside, because you’d miss him too much. He wants you to never move on, that you’d grow out your hair because he touched it, and you could never part with his touch, not even with one that was so fleeting. He wants you to sob and wail over him, to bury yourself in grief. 

If the last thing he could ever do was to curse you with his own feelings, he’d do it. He’d do it a hundred times over, to know that at least you cared for him, that your feelings for him weren’t just temporary, but that they were forever, that they were permanent. 

Tomura hopes that you’d never want to move, that you’d have the same curse that you gave him. He hopes that when you think of him, it becomes harder to breathe and harder to want anything else but him.

#bnha imagines #shigaraki tomura x reader #shigaraki x reader #shigaraki tomura #dabi x reader #touya todoroki x reader #dabi headcanons #dabi imagine #i was told that i act like my father #and then i was told that i am like my mother #i am made up of their flaws and ugliness #and everything bad #anyways #i started playing these dating sims #one introduced by a friend #oh geez i hope i can call them a friend #if not then like ignore this #and other that i found on my own #and im in love #they were both so cute #also!! #a few people wanted a part 2 to the tomura fic with special guest star aizawa and like im working on it!! #hopefully!! #i have a thought but if i look at it for too long it gets scared and vanishes

[fromtheseventhhell]

Saying that non-conforming female characters don't face as much misogyny as their "feminine" counterparts is so funny cause literally the misogyny in their treatment is more overt because they aren't staying "in their place" like men think they should. The disdain for women + misogynistic societal ideals are so much more blatant in male characters interacting with these women. Countless times they are, in essence, told they need to sit down, shut up, and know their place but somehow that translates into them having "masculine privilege". I can only assume that people with this take haven't actually read the books and only get their information from second-hand sources.

#Men actually love it when the group they're oppressing doesn't conform with their restrictive measures that's exactly how things work 🙄 #George saying that his non-conforming female characters were outcasts was really just overkill cause this is explicitly stated in the books #It's such a stupid take to have or try to argue cause there's literally no basis for it anywhere in the books #the inherit misogyny in othering women for not conforming to a misogynistic and patriarchal society though...I have to laugh #Coming from the so-called feminists in fandom make a career of throwing female characters under the bus to prop up their faves #Brienne literally gets told not to go crying if she gets raped because she's asking for it by /acting like a man/ #and her mistreatment by both genders for her looks and behavior is well documented in her POV and those who interact with her #Asha gets denied her claim for being a women and repeatedly treated like an idiot for pushing for it anyways #Arya is an outcast in her own family and her behavior is lamented by her father mother and sister lol #I would just really like to know where this supposed privilege comes in??? where is it actually at?? #cause it doesn't get them better treatment...better access to their claims...security from being assaulted...so where exactly is it? #just another fandom idea that can never be backed up but people treat like an absolute fact anways #obligatory this isn't me that feminine female characters don't face misogyny cause people love misinterpreting my points #asoiaf #brienne of tarth #asha greyjoy #arya stark #daenerys targaryen #fandom nonsense

[lycan-subscribe]

i would really really love it if cis people would like. think before they speak Once in their fucking lives

#mom said to my aunt that she sometimes wishes she had a son to do physical work for her/my dad #and it’s like. oh that’s interesting! because when i told you i wanted to transition you acted like it was the end of the goddamn world #or did you forget we had that conversation? #and by ‘forget’ i mean ‘try not to bring up or acknowledge because i don’t want it to be true and im hoping it’ll go away’ #and regardless i would know how to do the sort of shit you want done if my father ever fucking bothered to teach me how to do it #same for my sisters #but we don’t know how because he never fucking bothered nor cared to teach us because we were women! #stop with the fucking gender essentialism shit this is EXHAUSTING

[creepy-scrawl]

#i think both... i thought i learnt to forgive but yesterday my father compared me to my mother.. and got pissed off so fucking muccchhh #and today my brother told me i act like my father and started crying #sample size pretty pleaaseee

[4arconinoma]

By the way Trish was hoping the entire time to hear some sort of comfort from Bruno and felt upset by his cold and detached demeanor because he's the only person who served as some sort of familial figure and offered her any amount kindness or protection And he did want to say those things to her and when he finally DID offer words of comfort it wasn't ACTUALLY Trish and he only Thought it was Trish and she never got to hear him say those things to her and he has no idea he never got to tell her. Just so you know

#jjba #txt #When i was rewatching Vento Aureo and realized this it made my stomach drop #So you will have to know too #im so normal about this im so normal #Listen i hate mommy bruno characterization like i really really do but #Not only does this disprove it (He shows a cold demeanor to the gang members to try and avoid attachment and provide stability in times of #emotional desperation and not some sort of motherly figure like the fandom tries to say he is instead of a MAFIA GANG LEADER) #I also do think the one familial sort of attachment present is him and Trish. This is not the mom thing #Its just quite literally she has no one else to rely on. The elevator scene she was so scared of meeting a father who's intentions she does #t even know And Bruno is so young but he is the only adult figure she can rely on there. Perhaps its not parental but familial in other way #Either way hes the only person that can support her in that situation and shes frustrated that hes acting cold #But the thing is he has to act cold because he has to keep it together and i bet he didnt want her to become attached to him at first in th #t way PROBABLY mirroring his childhood as well he wanted to keep her away from this sort of lifestyle and not have her be associated with #him or the gang so that she could live a safe life #But i imagine he realized at some point that she has no one else BUT WHEN HE FINALLY TOLD 'HER' THINGS TO MAKE HER FEEL BETTER #IT WASN'T HER HE THOUGHT IT WAS BUT IT WASN'T AND THEY'RE NOT GOING TO SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN #This connection never got to grow They don't know this about the other. He never got to say these things and she never got to either #im so sad Im so sad #So like i said this is the only familial thing I think Bruno has going on. #I see Bruno as more of a cool uncle or brother though. I cant see him as a parent. He is so young. Everyone forgets this #But either way he would be the only caretaker that she has. But they didnt get to have that chance #Its just heartbreaking #Im so sad #YOUVE HAD NOTHING BUT HORRIBLE THINGS HAPPEN TO YOU. BUT YOU STILL HAVE A CHANCE TO ENJOY A NEW LIFE. HEAD IN HANDS

[gaywitchbean]

I love Horatio as much as the next guy but seriously he is such a fucking enabler

#hamlet #hamratio #hamlet x horatio #tragic danish boyfriends #like honestly hamlets like “I need to kill my uncle bc a ghost who might be my father told me to and I also need to act crazy just bc lol #And horatios like “yes my lord of course my lord anything you say my lord just so long you stay alive bc I can’t fucking live without you #So I’m going to let you make all the unhealthy choices you want so you don’t fuck yourself up even worse”

[s0fter-sin]

criminal minds/call of duty crossover where a serial killer is targeting sets of brothers. the bau think it’s ghost after finding out he’s on leave and looking into him and finding out about his abusive childhood. they think being military, getting held by the cartel and his family’s murder made him snap and he’s trying to recreate a perfect childhood with perfect brothers but they’re never perfect enough

he’s arrested when he can’t provide an alibi for the nights of the murders. the interrogation is rough, even with his resistance training. he can’t fight back, he can’t wait out the clock until price rescues him bc it’s not ghost being interrogated, it’s simon. getting his family and childhood thrown in his face, being questioned about his time with the cartel, forced to remember everything he went through and the entire time he can’t hide behind his mask bc they took it the second they brought him in

he’s being moved from interrogation to a cell when soap bursts in, screaming and swearing at them, how dare they think ghost would ever hurt those boys, after everything he’s survived, all the people he’s saved, do they really think he would ever do something like that, what the fuck is wrong with them!!

he sees how rough ghost looks, sees they took his mask and is two seconds from throwing hands with morgan. ghost’s just been quietly saying his name as he rants, trying to get through to him before he gets himself arrested too until he finally barks, “sergeant mactavish!” and soap instinctively freezes and falls to attention. he tries to make him leave but soap tells the team that ghost was with him on the nights the boys were killed and he had security footage of him coming and leaving his apartment, as well as pictures from throughout the night

the team don’t believe him, asking why ghost would lie to them, he could be charged with murder if it went far enough, why hide his alibi? he stays quiet until soap finally says, “he was protecting me. it doesn’t look to good to be gay in the military. or to seduce your superior officer.”

“you didn’t seduce shit, johnny,” ghost argues back and the team realises they were trying to dodge a dishonourable discharge not hide a murder habit and releases him. they end up stealth helping them solve the case bc even if he didn’t do it, seeing all of these boys, these brothers getting killed was getting to ghost in a bad way

#the extra pictures are absolutely from soap blowing ghosts back out #outside perspectives are one of my favourite things in the world #the interrogation specifically is making me lose my mind the conversation theyd have about how to go about it? #should hotch play to his obvious daddy issues and come at him heavy and aggressive? should rossi do the same but with a sympathetic approac #or go the other way a military man probably with mummy issues too so send in emily or jj and see if hes misogynistic #they think hes killing boys should reid go in and ramp up his age and vulnerability? #ghost would see through them all with his training but each approach would tear at him in different ways #that they think they can get to him by treating him like something damaged or playing to his supposed prejudices #rossi acting anything like price would fuck him up something fierce #ghost is the king of repression and being confronted with all of this? hed be losing it #and the way he protects his sergeants (roach is alive bc i said so) as if theyre his little brothers? how he goes hard on the recruits to #make sure they live? #to be told they expect him to be killing these kids? it breaks him down a bit #it stabs at a part of himself that calls him a monster and unworthy of love and affection #his fathers son #and soaps just furious that anyone could ever think ghost is capable of something like that #that they dug up his trauma and saw a man to condemn instead of a boy to be saved #coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt #we’re a team. ghost team #criminal minds #spencer reid #call of duty #soapghost #ghostsoap #ghost cod #simon ghost riley #soap cod #john soap mactavish #ghost mw2 #save post

[iguessyouregonnamissthepantyraid]

if you're someone who doesn't want to have kids and your family keeps guilt tripping you over it ("i'm never gonna have grandkids wahhh" etc etc) let me reassure you that even if you wanted kids, they'd still be doing that anyway. sincerely, a 30 year old who wants to have kids and talks about it all the time, like, my baby fever is WELL known at this point, as is the fact that the only thing holding me back (for now) is wanting to finish my phd and get a decent paying job first, who nonetheless has heard "you're not having kids for another three years? i could be dead by then!" no less than five times from at least three different relatives

#and like i'm with the guy who will be the father of my children #it's not even like i'm single or i'm with someone lacking a penis and we'd have to adopt or get donors or whatever #literally all i gotta do is finish this phd and i'll hop on that **** lickety split #but you'd think i told my family point blank i'm not ever ever ever having kids with the way they act lmao #so yeah: if you're family gives you grief for it don't worry. at the very least you're not alone #to be clear this is not a vent post #i actually find it kind of hilarious #and you know i'll be using this against them when i need babysitters #me

[loverofallthingssmart]

dads truly do just rmbr nothing abt ur friends i told mine abt a dinner my friend OF MORE THAN A DECADE invited me to and he was like. why specifically that date? um..bc it’s her bday ⁉️ as it has been every single year ⁉️ PLEASE FATHER 😭😭

#top that w my mother saying she only invited me bc i won a prestigious thing HELLO????? R U KIDDING ME THATS SO INSULTING!!! #SHE KNEW ME BEFORE I COULD PLAY THE RECORDER LIKE!!!!!!! WE WERE BOTH THREE FEET TALL IN GLASSES AT BARNES + NOBLES TGT SHUT UP SHES ONE OF #THE BESTIES !!! #anywya. just wanted to add my father knows nothing abt my friends which is why i love telling him abt the tumblr mutuals i just have to act #exasperated like i’ve told him abt y’all before and boom! #also i just got home and my feet hurt going to events that lead up to a wedding is fun but exhausting and i have nowhere near the ambt of #indian clothes i shld for this year..ah well..

[sweatermuppet]

i made a negative comment about my body in front of my ma recently & immediately she went "well how do you think that's going to impact your brother?" (who was in the room) & like. my entire life ive heard my ma say "oh please no pictures of me, i hate how i look." + "i can't wear shorts, i hate my legs" + "look at this stomach, I'll never get rid of it." & grew up being told i look so much like her, not just in the face, but my entire body so essentially "you look just like a woman who hates how she looks, but don't worry, you look fine." + when i was on T my fat changed from being mostly on my thighs + hips to being on my stomach which is very much how my grandpa was shaped & ma is always saying "he would have been much happier if he lost weight" like im just soooo 🧍🏻‍♂️

#always being told think of how this will hurt your brother!! who i.... essentially raised. taught him all the ways to be not like #our parents & the one time i say smthng abt myself...... it's not abt me it's not abt comforting me it's abt how it could possibly #hurt my brother #body mention #weight mention #ill delete this im just sooooo. upset lately #about all the ways i act both positive & negative being monitored & corrected because???? my entire responsibility in life #is to be a role model to my younger brother #& i lov him!!! i lov taking care of him & teaching him things but im not his father #like all the energy ma puts into telling me im such an awful older brother such a bad example #she could be putting towards my father who is...... so vile & nasty & angry & unkind

[uncanny-tranny]

The nature of my medical transition is that every now and again I'll take a step back and realize I'm turning out to be just like my dad

#trans #transgender #lgbt #lgbtq #ftm #nonbinary #bro i'll be thinking i'm a whole individual human and realize that's not true #the biggest difference between me and my dad is our opinions (which obviously mine are based and epic and so true /lh) #also if you're like... worried about turning out like your mother/father/whomever just realize... #...that you aren't bound by fate to act like them. you are able to break whatever cycle lead you to want to avoid being like them... #...sometimes anti role models can help you to discern what kind of person you want to become #somebody told me PRE-T that i looked JUST LIKE my dad when he was a teenager

[thebirdandhersong]

"Life is filled with such terrible joy. What happens, happens, and then we are gone" and that's what I didn't enjoy del Toro's Pinocchio

#there's a lot more i think i want to SAY about why this whole theme bothered me so much but i'm too tired to say it #del toro just has a special brand of macabre melancholia that i personally think leans too close to despair #it's too much of meaningless! meaningless! everything is meaningless! without the revelation at the end of ecclesiastes #that the response to that is to act justly love mercy and walk humbly with God. that you take the gift of life with gratitude #like. what happens happens. yes. but he paints it in a way that is just so hollow #and then we are gone. no dude we're not!! and it still MATTERS what we do in this life #anyway i'm not articulating this the way i want to but it didn't sit well with me #there probably is something meangful del toro is getting at with the theme of questioning authority and doing what you're told #just because you've been told to however it does make sense in his universe #because there are very few good authorities and pinocchio literally sees that there isn't an afterlife. just nothingness after death #anyway my father didn't even make it halfway through the movie before he was like nope this is too del toro for me i'm out #and honestly he's very valid for that. i should've stopped but i didn't know that the movie was going to take this trajectory #songbird again

[sineating]

getting drunk at the bar with the mutuals

#literally unmatched experienc e #except an hour ago my father unprompted told me i was acting like lestat #he shouldn't know who lestat is #talking

[solaaresque]

day 874392857 of ??? where i am so fucking tired of this house and the people inside it that killing myself is looking better and better each day :/

#reze stfu #god i honestly. idk what to say #my parents aren't bad in terms of it. they're pretty good as far as parents go #but like. imso fucking tired of being expected to act and talk a certain way. yes. i am your first child #that is exactly the reason i am so fucked up!! because you didnt know how to deal with children when you had me an i was basically a... #idk. an experiment or wtv #I WISH THEY COULD UNDERSTAND THAT !! #i know there is something wrong with me. because i've been told that. to my face. repeatedly #and people wonder why my self esteem is so low :/ #maybe if you didnt amke me question my fucking existance i wouldnt be this way. you ever thought of that?? #just two more years . i gotta hanf on for two more years. thats all. thats all. and them im our im out of this house #maybe ill like them better when i dont see tjem everyday #god i love being deathly terrified of my own parents. sometimes i dont even think i love them. i think im just so scared of them #that ive deluded myself into thinking that i love them and theyd never do anything to hurt me #despite KNOWING that isnt true #and its worse when my sisters have to deal with the fallout like. im used to being the buffer. i can deal with that. but please please #please dont expect me to parent. dont expect me to take your place. side eyes my father #WHY am i the most responsible person in that house??? #you expect me to trust you ??? after you left 2 10 year olds alone in a playground in the hot sun for 3 hours with no food no water no money #no way back home??? and you fucking forgot about them???? and i had to remind you???????? #i dont know. maybe im just lashing out. maybe im just tired of being the fuckup #its hard to be proud of yourself when you end up being told that there is something about you that is not right in the head ykwim? #ugh im sorry for ranting i just. idek what set me off and now i have nail marks in my arm and my skin is raw again #and my eyes are bloodshot. so i guess. ill be crying myself to sleep again. yay #that is if i even GET to sleep. i just wasted 20 mins i couldve used to be working having a mental breakdown. fun fun #tw suicide #tw vent

[omarfor-orchestra]

Sometimes the thing you're scared about is just really stupid and once you realize it everything gets more simple

#told my father maybe MAYBE i will go to a summer theatre class so I'll have to get back home from the town we'll stay in for holiday #and i was scared because he gets pissed when i do that and don't spend 100% holiday time with them #but the only thing he said was 'you need to decide what to do with your life you can't do both uni and acting classes' #bro what #I'm gonna do afternoon classes i absolutely can do both just like i did in high school #i said If i don't do something to distract myself I'm gonna go insane #he said 'I've always told you so!' #man #are you fucking stupid #what's your point then #as if acting was something secure and stable like they don't even give you a mutuo if you act #you either get very famous in a very short time or you're fucked #so what if I want to keep my feet in two shoes #i can't believe I've been scared of this man for all my life (and just fo the vibes he gives off and well other stuff but it's not like #something serious has ever happened) just to realize he's this stupid

[waitingforminjae]

korn and intouch..............korn and intouch

#if i ever miss the chance to praise kao and ohm's acting in this show that's not me that's an imposter #f: uwma #the fucking BEACH SCENE........ #the way korn is like this will ruin you i will ruin you this awful blackhole of a life that i'm living is gonna ruin you #and in is like then u need me! #completely undeterred and unafraid in his youthful innocence.......it's alll so fucking GUT-WRENCHING #bc they SHOW YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY SHOW YOU AND THEN THEY TELL YOU #they show you in every fucking scene how intouch was a lifeline and how here w this boy #korn had created a space for himself and his happiness and a way to escape his father and his father's world #wait pause i'm thinking thoughts let me big brain my way thru this one #but its like kp! how they have this bubble going on where the real world doesn't exist #and how btwn his depression and his father's expectations and homophobia all korn has is this space. this lifeline. #and when their father's come crashing into that space #when they are violent and throw them around in that space - when they are homophobic in that space #it's the end of the world - there's nowhere korn can escape. he's really trapped in this world. he can't even have this one thing. #him and his world have ruined it - just as he told in it would. his world his love is hurting in. #the only way he can stop hurting in is to remove himself from it. #not realizing that intouch has poured so much of himself into this relationship too - into korn #GOD. #and the way kao showed all of that...........damn #like. they had TIME that day! they really took the time to write a fully fleshed out tragedy dealing w depression #and how it warps ur perspective and how homophobia destroys everything and how hate and suicide literally destroy families irreparably