#i wish work wouldnt fuck me this hard currently i really do

[nevarroes]

oc

#art #art tag #oc art #doodle #jacques latour #i wish work wouldnt fuck me this hard currently i really do

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

💚💔 forrrr either prime defenders or danny phantom >:}

OHHH FUCK THESE R GOOD. I THINK IM GONNA DO BOTH

DP:

💚- literally the way the fandom as a whole characterize danny. considering the fact that apparently 70% of the ppl in the tag have not actually watched the show (this kills the me. every time i think about it), nobody actually knows What The Main Character Is Like . hes supposed to be an awkward quippy annoying 14 yr old boy. of course hes gonna say and do stupid shit!!! hes not some capable noble hero who always does the right thing and is nice to everyone. hes a kid who has a big heart with a crippling sense of responsibility. head in hands

💔- this might be cheating bc hes only a minor character and existed for exactly one (1) episode but.. fucking Gregor. i haaated double cross my heart that episode sucks so bad. lets just. remove the whole thing. also its really funny i had to google his name because i just kept thinking of grefgore (<< npc from the jrwi vampire campagin who is my angel the light of my life). would the fandom kill me if i said wes weston. hes not even a real guy it wouldnt matter if he was removed.

EDIT I JUST REALIZED THE PROMPT LITERALLY SAYS MAJOR CHARACTER. FUCK. uhhhhhhhh idfk. i guess if i HAD 2 pick. maybe clockwork? as much as i fucking love clockwork he was not utilized enough. he couldve been such a cool mentor character working in tandem with frostbite in season 3 and he just. wasnt. god hes so cool i wish they wouldve done more with him. but also if he didnt exist neither would my favorite ever episode. FUCK this is HARD

PD:

💚- NOT ENOUGJ PEOPLE UTILIZE WIWI BEING A PETTY JEALOUS LITTLE BRAT. THIS IS A FUNDAMENTAL PART OF HIS CHARACTER AND I AM SO ANNOYED ANYTIME IT IS SANDED DOWN. honestly? also? any time anyone writes william as being. 100% Automatically Morally Good. if dakota wasnt there his ass wouldve gone full villain arc halfway through season 1.

💔- i????? honestly???? dont know if i would remove anyone??? i genuinely cannot think of someone i wouldnt be super distraught about not having. maybe like. idk. Bacon Man. but bacon man is sweet bc hes a character bizly made up when he was a kid and im weak for including old ocs in current projects bc i think its fun. I CANT EVEN SAY LIKE. PARTY CITY GHOST. BC I LOVE THE PARTY EPISODES.

#hehehehee silly 2 me that the acronyms are. the same but backwards #do u know how many times ive accidentally typed jrwi dp. its a lot #asks #friends!!! #intertexts #IM GONNA NEED TO THINK ON THE PD ONE MORE. LIKE. GENUINELY THERES NOT A CHARACTER U COULD REMOVE AND I WOULDNT MISS THEM. I DONT THINK. #IN SOME CAPACITY AT LEAST

[feluka]

tw for misogyny in academia and ableism now that the situation is beginning to get resolved, i wanted to share what's been eating at me for a while now.

about 2 years ago i had a mental health crisis. naturally this affected my performance in school. a lot. i know grades aren't everything but it's been devastating for me to watch everything i've dreamed of and worked very very hard for fall apart like that. engineering was my life's work and it was so disheartening to go from being a top student to this. at a certain point i stopped being able to leave my house completely. i could still make do for a while due to virtual classes, but when the time came for my finals i couldn't go. i failed just about every course. at that point i'd resigned myself that there was no coming back from this, but my mother went to the university and asked to meet with the head of the department to explain to him the situation and my ongoing treatment. his response was crushing. he told my mother that maybe i should transfer to literature or arts, in his own words, 'something more suited to a girl than engineering.' this was his response to my mother explaining to him, very patiently, that i was taking an ungodly amount of medication and that it was taking a terrible toll on my physical health (i later learned that this was a fuck-up on behalf of my doctor. my current doctor tells me NO human should take that much heavy medication, no matter how severe the case. oh well). that i was going through electroconvulsive therapy that took a great toll on my brain. that i was having memory lapses and was constantly confused and scared and disoriented as a result of ECT. that i had to stop taking ECT prematurely because my body was responding poorly (something i was told wouldnt happen). that i had to endure the inherently oppressive environment of a psychiatrist hospital that looks down on its patients. that i was unable to take care of myself and required help from my family to even look after my cats properly. that i was in a condition that would render any student regardless of gender unable to keep up with their studies. and his conclusion was that i wasn't able to keep up because i am a girl. that really was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. i've had to put up with students AND professors making inappropriate remarks and 'get back to the kitchen' jokes directed at the very few female students and my hands were tied. it's a very awkward situation for me to adjust to after 14 years of attending a girls-only school. i wish i could 'work hard to prove them wrong and rub my success in their faces!' but honestly i'm just tired and want to be left alone. i want to be allowed to be mediocre without it being considered a personal failing. i want to be able to be able to ask for help without expecting the smug 'of course you need help.' response. i just want to withdraw from this toxic situation and i hate hate hate hate that by doing this for my own health, i end up proving him right. the plan right now is to remain in engineering, but switch to architectural engineering as the head of the department is a woman and there are many female students there. it's a bit of a departure from my preferred subjects (maths & physics) but it's better than leaving altogether. going through the paperwork to transfer rn. if everything goes well i should return to classes next semester. i really miss studying. fingers crossed that it goes smoothly :)

[thoughtcock]

self manifestations for 2023/24 (progress)

[X] rent an better actual apartment, by myself or with someone else: I am currently here now :) sitting by myself in the comfort of my living room, while listening to lofi music on youtube as background. And boy, what an amazing feeling it is. it is merely just over 400 sq ft, a small size by most standards. yet its just enough for me and the bf who comes over.

I used to feel like I don't do well in the ordinary, life had to always be happening or I have to be on some unconventional route (i mean it kinda is but still) to be happy or whatever. But lately, I really do appreciate the peace and the ordinaryness. I now romanticise the chill/hiding away to my safe space. I love doing my silly little home decorating and just feeling present at this apartment. my safe space.

I gradually became a much more neater and organised person. seriously, i started making my own bed more regularly and you could point a gun at me and i would find it so pointless to do it. its just going tog et messy again so who cares? but now.... i see why people do it.

i thought me being messy was just a personality trait of mine and i hoped people around me will accept it. but i dont know... i guess there's this new-found form of respect i have for my space now, and keeping it tidy just makes it so much more pleasant for me. the only issue with that is i spend significantly more time tidying, and my boyfriend still hasnt caught up to speed yet.

But still... I finally get ikea catalogues and how they are always selling this idea of a beautiful home enriching your life. because its true. and i get why people buy picture frames and decorative tissue boxes and carpets and all. to make a space much cozier, which in turn makes u happier and more at peace. And I get why people buy extra practical things like a water filter, storage space for your appliances, a speaker, a standing desk. because why wouldnt you? it boosts your quality of life in different ways.

Yes, its not cheap to rent, but damn I would rather pay with money than with my mental health. for seven years i've lived with the bare minimum. mostly stuck to buying necessary stuff for my home, or barely buying anything at all for fear it will eat up the little space i was allocated to. and now to have the space(!!) and options to buy something just for the aesthetics is suddenly new to me again. for 8 years i've been living in cramped dorms/subdivided rooms/flat share. i am so grateful and i cant wait to make more and get an even bigger space maybe (i still wish for a bigger kitchen, and an actual designated to hang clothes without taking over the living room space).

In the meantime maybe i can start thinking about owning a home. though i still dont feel ready, need to save more haha

[ ] get my first tattoo: still in the works. all the artists i like are either based far away, or i am still undecided and frankly procrastinating. slighly worrying about the fallout with the mother. also there is a bit of inertia to just fuck it and out trust in an artist for a tattoo that im not sure of yet.

[ ] adopt a cat: unlike getting a tattoo, i dont think i can just bite the bullet and bring an animal to my life full-time. since having a family dog, i realised how important it is to consider how I really have to be responsible for a pet. And making space for said pet in your life. my family dog came to us in a "yolo" way of sorts, and while he is amazingggggg, i know if it were up to me i'll do so much more to give him a better life. and so, i would like to carefully consider everything before fostering one. and also because my new apartment is so great as it is, how can an animal live in it well without destroying the space i worked so hard for?

[X] adapt well in new job: giving this an X because so far i've performed better than how i did in my first year. but there's a lot of self-pressure and probably managerial pressure to step up and do even more, learn even more etc. tbh sometimes it feels like my brain is swimming from all these new things i've learnt or am expected to learn. i dont want to disappoint people, but i am also trying to give myself the space/patience to improve and be better. after all im paid much better to live in this nice apartment.

[X] buy fancy decorative stuff for said new apartment (eg. plates, candles, artsy fartsy stuff)

[ ] be reading more: definitely falling back on reading... sometimes its hard to get the attention span to do so. i've been told i should get back on self-help books. so far i've read more autobiographies. there are some books i own that take me back to chaotic times (Eg. 2019) and i'm sure if i even want to touch them for fear of bringing up not so great memories and how this city is quietly turning to shits. well at least i have my nice place as it turns to shit... privilege much?

[ ] continue to choose myself: i feel like its a half-half on this...

[X] be okay with change: something i read recently is how because nothing last forever, its best to appreciate things are they are now before they are gone. the glass is already broken. impermanence makes things more beautiful.

[ ] have more reflective alone times: unfortunately not doing as much of that, but i hope that will change!!!! sometimes i live life on autopilot mode, and i could feel myself living in that mode for months since i've stopped going to therapy. autopilot mode isnt bad, but yeah i know i dont truly reflect on my feelings much if that is so. and i find my thoughts so muddled and messy at times. its like what the fuck do i want sometimes, why am i overthinking this and that, am i doing enough of this and that bla bla,,, but i dont know WHY im thinking like that. sometimes writing this in word vomit mode helps to rationalise and write out all the things in my head which is great... although i feel like a terrible writer because everything is so messy and word vomity

[X] solo travel (either a beach getaway or city gal holiday, or both): my first solo trip coming up soon! a beach getaway is something i always want to do. im not going to plan much or keep everything to a schedule, just see where this trip takes me. im hoping to just chill and be rejuvenated, and yes try to be more reflective

[ X] turn off my brain when work is over: a WIP but i would say i've gone heaps and bounds since leaving my last job. work stops at 6 and i try not to open my emails/messages, but i guess with more responsibilities sometimes i cant help it. but i can safely say i do have more time for other things without feeling like some manager will find me to settle a story or whatever. it feels nice to have no one bug u after work hours!!

[X] maintain close relationships with the people who matter: not sure whether to tick this since i've become a lot more introverted this year. i no longer do big parties or try to organise one anymore. in that sense i do feel more distant from people now, sometimes i dont even know who matters and who doesnt. but this time, i feel perfectly okay with it. i think its the new house effect, i just want to stay home all the time. maybe the person who matters most in my life is me, after all.

[X] restart seriously saving and investing again: getting paid more helps. though i do need to re-evaluate my investing choices. i jsut need to be careful about lifestyle inflation and balance things properly. i started budgeting again this months so hopefully i can stick to it.

[X] stay away from people with bad energy: its actually easier to do that when u have a significant other and u are okay to be alone. no longer interested in clubs or gettign fucked up, or getting on dating apps anymore.

-[X?] feel valued in a workplace/relationship: yes for work, thanks to great managers and great benefits. relationship, i would like to think my friends value me, and as for my boyfriend? i guess he does in his own ways, though i would like to feel more of it.

New goals:

learn diving

solo travel/travel to more unconventional places

romanticising life more

take a chill hobby like coloring

exercise at least 1x a week

[hopeididntscareyou]

I really wish i didn't see his message asking me how am i doing.. this is the most depressive point of my year. I literally havent felt this much depressed for a long time. I was literally feeling so much better before i saw that and everything just went downhill just because of that stupid message. I worked so hard and came this far but completely lost all my progress.. Fuck this. I dont know why i allow something like this to have that power over me, it happened before a few years ago with someone and now i couldnt care less about him even he literally checked up on me recently.. maybe 3 years from now this wouldnt bother me too. Well I hope so.. the good thing about all this pain i feel right now is its pushing me to do better and work on myself. Even though i have a current almost nihilistic view towards a lot of things. I really dont know whats my purpose of my existence. I just know what im fighting for and i keep fighting. I need to and thats all i know for now. Everythinv else, i have no idea what im doing

[lueurdelune]

I’m gonna vent anyway even tho nobody here gives a fuck I’ve had this blog for 5 years and I only have 200 followers and I have made no friends

If whoever created me on this planet was going to give me severe depression and anxiety with a big dash of undiagnosed adhd for 16 years of my life couldn’t they have ATLEAST born me into a financially stable home like honestly that would be so beneficial

I have no motivation to do anything ever for anybody including myself I literally failed my last semester of school. I’ve never done that before and I’m so scared I’m not gonna get into college and I’m never getting any scholarships and I don’t know if my parents can even afford college I’m basically poor but not really I just mean that everybody else around me has so much more money than I do and I feel so shitty all the time I can’t take care of myself I’ve gained so much weight since developing depression over the last 3 years and everybody makes me feel like shit about it but I’m too poor to do anything about either like how the fuck did I go from a size 00 to an 8 I fucking hate myself over it but especially because of how I’ve let others influence how I feel about myself I have literally starved myself for so long AND EVEN THAT DIDNT WORK WHAT THE FUCK??? Anyways like,,, THERES NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING A SIZE 8!!!!! But I’m severely short I’m literally 4’10 and all my life I was a naturally thin person like you know how there’s some people that just ARE thin yeah that was me AND NOW IM NOT BECAUSE IVE SPENT YEARS CRYING IN BED WATCHING TV SHOWS I have no motivation to get up out of bed and it’s been a problem for years but especially now with quarantine it’s so much worse. I have no joy in literally anything. AND I CANT EVEN DO ANYTHING ABOUT ALL OF MY WEIGHT GAIN BECAUSE IM SO DEPRESSED I DONT EVEN HAVE THE WILL TO LIVE ANYMORE I WISH EVERYTHING WOULD STOP AND PAUSE AND THAT THE NUMBERS ON THE SCALE WOULD STOP GOING UP AND MY TEACHERS WOULD STOP ASSIGNING ASSIGNMENTS AND THAT I WOULD STOP LOSING FRIENDS AND THAT I WOULDNT EVER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT MONEY EVER AGAIN.

And I can’t even get myself out of my financial situation literally ever because I fucking hate school so much I used to be so good at it but the thought of writing one more essay could really be the thing that drives me off the edge and this screwed up system is rigged so the only way to confirm good and true success is through college degrees and I am just now getting treatment for adhd that I’ve had all my life but was too poor to get diagnosed with and that’s been a huge disadvantage to my academic life like insanely and since I’m now horrible in school I won’t go to college and since I won’t go to college I’ll live my life being dirt poor as always and whoever said money can’t buy happiness is a fucking ugly ass liar if I had money I would still be good at school because I would’ve gotten treatment for adhd way long ago which means my depression and anxiety wouldn’t have gotten as bad as they are which means I wouldn’t have gained as much weight as I have which means I wouldn’t be as insecure as I am to the point I literally want to die. Money could’ve made this all avoidable.

I’m having such a pity party for myself right now. Everything that could be wrong in my life currently is except I’m not homeless but I’ve been living in a tiny ass apartment my whole life. Also my family isn’t physically abusive but I’m their mental punching bag which is so hard to accept because I love them so much.

And I’m putting tags on this just because I at least want somebody in this universe somewhere to hear me, to see me, to let me know I’m not as invisible as I constantly feel.

Also if there’s any teens out there who want to be friends 🤪😎😏 slide in my chats I swear I’m funny and pretty (debateable) what other qualities would you want?

#tom hollland #spiderman #spiderman homecoming #tom holland x reader #criminal minds #spencer reid #Matthew Gray Gubler #mgg #spencer reid x reader #art #personal vent #val vents #timothee chalamet #florence pugh #zendeya #euphoria #aesthetic #rant #tw depressing stuff #depression #adhd #friends #life #i'm sad #anxienty #marvel #films #film

[sweater-daddiesdumbdork]

do you have a curtis fic with the tenderly wiping the blood off? because if not can i request one? but if you don’t have could i have it with chris or ari? or curtis is fine but you know my love for ari haha sorry i’m just rambling now😂💕

Trust Me

A/N- I really liked how this one came out, so it gets a title. No real warnings. Thanks for sending this in babes! I did Ari cause well, I havent yet written for him and I know you love him. Thank You @official-and-unstable-satan for reading over what I had last night and giving it a thumbs up. Love you babes. 

Red Sea Diving Resort, 70 kilometers from Port Sudan

You paced by the radio, it was silent. So silent, you just wished it would cackle and Sammy would come over in that garbled sound all radios make, letting them know they were successful, on there way back to the resort. But nothing. Occasionally Ethans voice would break through, making you jump in anticipation each time. He would ask for an answer, but there was nothing. Rachael hugged herself as she waited, nearby, ready to answer when needed.

“They will be okay Y/N, its not like Ari hasnt had them go radio silence before.”

You knew your friend was trying to assure you, but it was hard when your heart was wedged in your throat, waiting to bottom out. Here you and Sammy were similar, sometimes you thought the worst although you hoped for the best. How many times had Ari, cupped your face and made you look at him.

“Trust me Y/N” he would say.

Okay Ari, Im trusting you...

Then there was the cackle, and Sammys voice broke through. “On our way back, successful.” Both you and Rachael took relieved sighs and she answered right away. “Loud and Clear guys, see you soon.” You rubbed your face in relief and she came over to give you a squeeze around the shoulders. “Told you, its all gonna be good.”

Ari drove the truck with its ruined shocks, bouncing all over the road. It had been touch and go, but they managed to get the latest round of refugees out to safety in record time, and at the rate they were going, in just another week, they could be making this trip again.

“Can you slow it down?” Sammy asked, bouncing in his own seat, holding onto the ‘oh shit’ handle on the side. “Were not carrying refuges anymore if they stop us.”

Ari eased up. Barely, he was ready to get back to the resort, take some pain killers, crash for a couple good hours before going back to making more plans, and playing host to there current round of resort guests.

“I also wish you would let me look at where you cracked your head. Seriously Ari, only you man.”

Reaching up, he winced where his head clipped off the side of the trucks frame helping people climb out the back. It was a rushed moment, since Jake warned them that he saw headlights off in the distance, and they still had a truck full of people to get on the rafts. It wasnt his finest moment, but they got the job done and were able to hide the trucks off the beach. Once the armed men, no doubt some of Ahmed’s men, passed on by, they split out of there. Driving by moonlight till the beach was far off in the rear view. They got lucky, again.

Ari always seemed to get lucky, Sammy would sarcastically comment at times.

“Dont worry Sammy, Im fine. I will have Y/N take a look at it before we go to sleep.” Ari remarked, and his friend rolled his eyes and sighed in discouragement with his stubbornness. Ari continued on excitedly though. “It went pretty good I thought, considering they were patrolling. Everyone out, no one got injured. If we plan it right, we can go out next week, as long as Kabede can get them out of camp.”

Sammy wrinkled his brow, worry etching over his face. “You dont think thats pushing it a bit close? Ahmed is already suspicious as it is”

Ari smirked and looked over at Sam “Trust Me.”

Hours later the two trucks pulled up alongside of the resort, you and Rachael waiting just outside the main entrance to greet them back, also to find out about  why radio silence. Your hands wrung together and you blew out some hot air in a huff that fluffed your bangs. Rachael chuckled softly at your nerves and leaned in close to whisper to you. “See, its all good.” You smiled at her, an apology for your nerves, and went to greet the men.

Jake and Max came around, from one of the trucks with big grins on there faces.

“Like a charm Doll” Max said, slinging an arm around your shoulder. His good mood was infectious and you relaxed in his hold, your arm slinging around his waist with affection.

“So the radio silence was just for...?” You asked and from behind you, you heard Ari came up on your other side, carrying some of Sammys equipment, startling you. As big as Ari was, he was quiet. A skill he had picked up over the years of military training.

“There were patrols out, not far from us. We went entirely dark for a time while unloading, and had to hide the trucks.” You reached to take some of what he was carrying and caught sight of his face, near his temple was a line of dried blood, leading up to a nasty looking scrapped bruise.

Rachael caught sight of it to, wincing as she reached out to take the stuff from Ari. “Here, let me take that, and you should have Sam take a look at that.” Max collected what you had to, offering to help. Ari started to protest the two of them, when you gave him a gentle push to get him headed into the hotel.

“Shes right, come on.” you insisted, and he didnt fight you. Cutting through the lobby, the two of you skirted around the counter that was the check in, and headed into the employees only section. In the back rooms, Ari leaned lightly against the table watching you as you searched out the first aide kit. “Tomorrow Im going to go into the refuge camp, see if  Kabede is ready to bring the next group out, I know its soon, but if they can have to rescue boat back here by beginning of next week, we could start doing this alot faster.”

Ari continued on with what he was hoping for, and tidbits from tonight, while you sought through the bottom cupboard, and finally found the bright red cross case that was your first aide kit. Bringing it over to the table, and flipping it open, your ‘Mmhm’ sounding once in a while to show you were still listening, he reached over to grasp your wrist. “Y/N, whats wrong sweetheart?”

You glance at him while prepping a cloth to wipe away the blood and around the wound. “Ari... It sounds like it was a close call. If you all get caught, lets be real about this. They wont just throw you in some jail cell if your caught with truckloads of refugees.” You didnt mention the last part, the very first day you all arrived, there was an execution style killing going on right outside the window as he was negotiating just to get this place. That was a year and a half ago.

“What are you saying Y/N? You want us to stop? Were saving so many lives.”

Guilt crossed your face as you heard him, it was true. So far you all have managed to smuggle out hundreds of people, slowly emptying the refugee camps. But even in that there wasnt a end in sight. They would just keep coming, desperate and barely hanging onto the promise of freedom and safety.

“I know... I know... “ You say softly while he pulled out a chair and sat down on it so you could clean him up, thighs spreading so you could stand in close where you need to be, and tip his face slightly. “Just hearing how close they were tonight, you going radio silence. It scared me Ari. There is nothing we could do to save you guys.”

His hands moved to the back of your thighs, rubbing your tensed muscles through your pants and grasped lightly under the cheeks while you gently wiped at his cheek, the dried blood flaking off and making your way up the trail. “We have to be smart about this Ari, know when weve played our hand as much as we can without getting ourselves caught.”

Quiet for a time while you dabbed at his face softly, he finally spoke up. “Trust me Y/N, I know it. No one was more worried then I was that we were gonna be found. I drove like a fucking bat outta hell to put distance between us. I cant stop though, not right now... I wont. This works, what were doing works.”

And this was always how it was with Ari, forever will he put everyone else before himself. You knew this the day you agreed to join them on this mission, and to ask him to change? You knew he wouldnt give this up. Not for Sam, not for you, not for the family he left behind ages ago. It was a bitter pill to swallow at times, but at the same time, isnt that why you cared for him more then you should have, His selflessness?

So you set it aside for now, your fingers gentle as the trace over his bearded jawline to tilt his face further, and now careful clean up the actual cut. Its not as bad as it looked, and you change the subject. “How did this happen anyways?”

“Smashed it upside the back end helping people down. I was pulling myself up and clipped it.” Ari rolled his eyes at himself and you chuckled softly hearing it, brushing your fingers through his hair out of his eyes.

“Well fuck Ari, I apparently cant even leave you in the capable hands of Sammy to keep you out of trouble.” You tossed the cloth in the nearby sink now that he was cleaned up, and dabbed just a light amount of ointment on it to keep it clean. When you finished by rubbing your hands together quickly to clear away the rest of the ointment, he tightened his grip on your thighs and pulled one leg up, then the other to straddle him, wrapping one arm around your waist so you could brace back lightly against his arm.

“Not like you could keep me out of it either, dont worry Honey, we got this. We will stop when it gets to be to dangerous.” Your fingers brushed through his hair once more, giving it the lightest teasing tug before wrapping your arms around his neck, and giving him an doubtful smile. You knew it was a lie, he wouldnt. But right now this was another problem, another day, another worry for another time.  

Wrapping his free hand around the back of your neck and dragging you forward, his lips connecting with yours and the wild taste of sea salt, hints of nicotine, and something just him drew out a soft moan from you, a tip of the head and he was able to draw you in deeper till you were leaning in against his chest, and with a light bite, he drew away, his long fingers lightly pressing in against the back of your neck.

“Ive got you, trust me.”

You didnt want to, but deep down, you always did. 

tagging-  @jtargaryen18 @what-is-your-plan-today @p8tn0lish @stardancerluv @princess-evans-addict @patzammit

[justdyingslowly]

1. Name justdyingslowly obviously come on

2. Nationality Australian

3. Age 22

4. Birthday nnnah dont feel like it

5. Zodiac sign (or your primal zodiac sign) Libra/Scorpio cusp

6. Gender wamon

7. Sexuality very very hetero

8. Your looks (add a picture or describe yourself) androgenous

9. What do you/did you study? Psychology (focus on sexology) and art.

10. What’s your current job like?/What job would you like to have? I am disabled you think I can work ha sexologist would be awesome. When I was a kid I wanted to be a fireman but Australias always burning

-

11. Your birth order head first

12. How many siblings do you have? 1

13. Do you have good relations with your family? yeah dads finally out of his abusive relationship, nearing age 70 and his emotions and his sexuality are finally opening up for the first time and that makes me SO happy.

14. How many friends do you have? what kind of fucked up question is this.

15. Your relationship status relationshipped. Fiance? got the marriage papers in a drawer somewhere with the car rego but can’t be fucked filling them?

16. What do you look for in a SO? empathetic, mature, calm. Always open to discussion. Prefers to be blunt rather than secretive. Emotional age over 14 (incredibly fucking rare apparently). Puts an importance on context and understanding other views above all else.

17. Do you have a crush? Hellll yeah Crush on my partner and got a crush on a mutual friend of ours who don’t even know hes cute af hehe one day partners gonna accidentally spill the beans and embarrass me coz hes shit with secrets RIP me.

18. When did you have your first kiss? You think I can remember this bullshit? Its not that big a deal

19. Do you prefer serious and meaningful relationships or casual dating/one night stands? One night stand sex almost exclusively sucks. Just. SUCKS. Because neither of you know what the other likes and it ends up being an awkward mix of trying to please yourself while trying to also be considerate.

20. What are your deal breakers? Plugging your ears to anything that feels gross, uncomfortable or disagrees with you. How can you grow as a person without introspection? How can you mold what you think and believe without taking in other arguments and comparing them to your beliefs to see how they stack up? Its pathetic.

-

21. How was your day? cute mutual friend had a fall this morning and were both worried about him. His back is bad and he’s getting a little older, he can’t be getting dizzy and having falls like that. other than that im anxious about seeing my gastro. He’s lovely but... specialists are specialists. Good at knowing what they know but not always great at listening.

22. Favourite food & drink you think im allowed to eat or drink? water and... foods a touchy subject.

23. What position do you sleep in? Usually on my side with a body pillow to grip so I don’t end up choking my partner in his sleep.

24. What was your last dream about? uuhhh...going to italy and being unable to get into this tiny basket boat properly.

25. Your fears does PTSD to medical shit count haha

26. Your dreams ... going to italy and being unable to get into a tiny basket boat thingy?

27. Your goals - get some sort of diagnosis eventually. Its been 3 years of trying and im tired. - get back to studying art part time for my bachelors. - pass JLPT N3. - go back to university for psychology. - do the dishes when I get home.

28. Any pets? two budgies. we also take care of any orphaned or injured birds.

29. What are your hobbies? feeling nauseous drawing writing a little bit im making a little gameboy game in C atm too

30. Any cool places in your area? i live next to a national park with waterfalls and koalas and emus and stuff

31. What was your last awkward situation? mutual friend made a comment on his chest i playfully smacked it (related to the comment) it was surprisingly hard “O-oh wow, thats... I didnt expect that” my partner laughed at me. it was awful.

32. What is your last regret? getting embarrassed at friends pecs stop making me think about it 33. Language/s you can speak english. N4 Japanese.

34. Do you believe in astrological stuff? (Zodiac, tarot, etc.) of course not what the fuck

35. Have any quirks? Quirkless. I do wiggle when im happy though apparently.

36. Your pet peeves open doors.

37. Ideal vacation spend a months chilling in an old japanese house in autumn hokkaido oooooof that sounds nice

38. Any scars? internal? yes

39. What does your last text message say? peepee poopoo ustinky

40. Last 5 things from your search history how do i find this

41. What’s your [device] background? Sam Porter Bridges walkin around Sam Porter Bridges cuddling BB-28 Louise while he sleeps my chicken

42. What do you daydream about? all might

43. Describe your dream home an old japanese house in autumn hokkaido oooooof that sounds nice

44. What’s your religion/Your thought about religion its a comforting thought having a parent-figure who cares about you and looks after all the big things you can’t manage yourself, but institutionalizing it runs a severe risk of becoming harmful cults. And it often does.

45. Your personality type me

46. The most dangerous thing you’ve done i saw the lost bunny that was on all the posters in the neighbourhood looked thin and patchy so i grabbed him to take him home. im allergic. sent me to hospital and I almost died.

47. Are you happy with your current life? feeling sick sucks and partners having a depressive episode but things are pretty good

48. Some things you’ve tried in your life living

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49. What does your wardrobe consist of? blacks, reds, whites and pinks

50. Favourite colour to wear? at the moment pink. Red is always comforting though.

51. How would you describe your style? mix between lazy alternative punk, teenager with band shirts and harajuku peach kawaii uwu

52. Are you happy with your current looks? kinda wish i was a bit shorter but what can you do

53. If you could change/add something to your appearance - impossible or not - what would it be? bit shorter

54. Any tattoos or piercings? lol no PTSD

55. Do you get complimented often? by who? partner constantly, family haha are you kidding im australian so a friend’s version of showing affection is calling you a cunt and slapping your ass in public

56. Favourite aesthetic? all might

57. A popular trend that you dislike blocking because you disagree or find them distasteful. Ignoring all context to opposing thoughts and arguments. taking a personal feeling of disgust to mean something is evil. Blocking your ears to anything that isn’t a circlejerk of what you already think - and trying to isolate anyone who even just listens to something other then the noise of your sloppy dicks to have a thought of their own.

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58. Songs you’re currently obsessed with? The Machine by Low Roar

59. Song you normally wouldn’t admit you like. why wouldnt i admit i like a song

60. Favourite genre? probably enka haha

61. Favourite artist/band/genre? probably enka haha oh and tatsuro yamashita

62. Hated popular songs/artists? why the hell would I hate something like a song? I hate aspects of the music industry as a whole I guess?

63. Put your music on shuffle and list first 5 which playlist they aren’t all together in one place

64. Can you sing or play any instruments? piano, saxophone... uh... partners good at making music and playing shakuhachi

65. Do you like karaoke? no.

66. Own any albums? yes? many?

67. Do you listen to radio? What stations? no. but triple J, ABC Jazz and Classical. sometimes they even play final fantasy and JRPG music on classical which is pretty neat. -

68. Favourite movie/series? can i make this about games because then the answer is Metal Gear Solid

69. Favourite genre of movies/books/etc ...shounen?

70. Your fictional crush/es if they’re over 40yrs old, male and happy and bubbily or grumpy and sad then there’s a big ol fat chance I wanna bone. Solid Snake from MGS4, All Might and pretty much anyone drawn by Tarou Madoromi.

71. Which fictional character is you? uh

72. Are you a shipper? List your otps, if so what does this even mean what language is this

73. Favourite greek god? idk hades seems chill

74. A legend from where you live that you like the story of Tjilbruke is funny and good. all Kaurna stories are good.

75. Do you like art? What’s your favourite work or artist? im in a big egon schiele mood atm.

76. Can you share your other social media? no i am incapable

77. Favourite youtubers? many

78. Favourite platform? not too high up. actually i like being a little lower than ground level in corners.

79. How much time do you spend on the internet? too much

80. What video games have you played? Which one’s your favourite? look i just want to say that MGS4 is the best one in the series and Death Stranding is phenomenally engaging.

81. Your favourite books (manga also counts) these are all so goddamn definitive how can I pick? Oh wait the answer is One Piece

82. Do you play board/card games? I play DnD atm and know 15 yr old rules to Yugioh

83. Have you ever been to a night marathon in cinema? that shit dosn’t happen here

84. Favourite holiday golden week coz its a week also easter because thats when all the glucose based sweets come back

85. Are you into dramas? what kind

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86. Would you use death note, if you had one? no. thats called being a murderer.

87. What changes would you make in the world, no matter how impossible, if you had the power to? chill people out a bit. when people feel unsafe they get really depenfive and territorial and block their ears to everything, making in-and-out groups for themsevles that end up putting them in more harm.

88. Could you survive a zombie apocalypse? im disabled with a disabled partner. we arent funny sure we can survive normal everyday life when society is angled so sharply against us.

89. If you had to be turned into a paranormal being, what would it be? id like to be a mimi spirit

90. What would you want to happen to you after your death? spooky time

91. If you had to change your name, what would be your pick? toshinori yagi

92. Who would you switch your life with for a week? anyone healthy

93. Pick an emoji to be your tattoo that cursed one with the intense eyes and the hand

94. Write 3 things about yourself - only one of them must be true im me im not me im pee

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95. Cold or hot? cold.

96. Be a hero or be a villain? both are distasteful ideas in reality

97. Sing everything you want to say or rhyme? i can’t do either partner speak sin bad puns and its hell, these both sound about equal

98. Shapeshifting or controlling time? shapeshifting. controlling time is eithe rmanipulative or lonely. shapeshifing is every other superpower at once.

99. Be immortal or be immune to everything aside from natural death? both are deeply upsetting ideas

100. ….. or …..? jiji or ossan? generally Jiji, but ossans can be lovely too.

#personal #stupid

[silverjirachi]

Do u rly 100% believe ur not a woman? If u dont mind sharing how did u figure that out? How can u separate urself from ur body like that? We r our bodies! I cant wrap my mind around it even tho I have dysphoria. Also women are the most oppressed class of people 2 this day so it seems really really stupid 2 let our oppressors claim womanhood. We r all born from vaginas. How do people ignore history & reality? Is pretending ur not who u r a coping mechanism? Wouldnt accepting ur body b healthier?

Hi there!  I considered not answering this because I don’t want to fan flames or stir discourse because I don’t want other people to get wrapped up into something that is 100% about me. I try really hard to cultivate a positive, lighthearted environment in all of my online presences.  But honestly your ask isn’t worded hatefully, and I think what I have to say is important and might help someone else, so I’m going to answer it. But I probably won’t answer anything else and there better not be any funny business in these notes.  If there is, I would like to politely ask people not to engage with it.  Please leave me, and everyone else in these notes, alone.  I am writing this for me, to answer your question about me, and I’m writing this in case there’s a baby enby out there who is exactly like me who who needs to read this today.

With that disclaimer aside...,

Yes, I really do 100% believe I am not a woman.  I unfortunately cannot easily explain how without falling into the traps of words like masculinity and femininity.  But it’s the same as any other identity.  How do you know you are a woman?  Is it something that you identify with, feel a personal relationship with?  Or does it ultimately only come from your body alone, and you feel absolutely no connotations or connections to it whatsoever?  Did it come to you through your body?  I know people who 100% identify with their assigned gender, but can’t really articulate how or why without falling into these same binaries.  And I know people who 100% DON’T identify with their assigned gender and cannot truly articulate how or why.  It doesn’t even have a lot to do with masculinity or femininity.  A lot of our language just doesn’t have the words to describe such an internal experience.

It is true that there is a very specific type of oppression that comes with being born in a female body- or a body that would otherwise assign you female at birth.  From what I can tell, that’s what a lot of this really relies on.  I don’t think anyone who is AFAB and nonbinary or ftm is really denying that, at least not from my experience.  I’m sure they’re out there.  But we, by and large, HAVE had the experience of discrimination in some way or another because of our “femaleness-” our ASSIGNED femaleness.  (Something that got thrown at me was the idea of female socialization- it’s true, I was socialized as a female bc that’s what my body “looked” like and that’s just what our society assumes).  But just as there is a very specific kind of oppression that goes along with being AFAB, there is also a very specific kind of oppression that goes along with being mtf, and there is a very specific type of oppression that goes along with being a poc and any of those other categories.  That’s at the core of intersectionality.  Different parts of our identities interact with each other in different ways.  People experience oppression and privilege in different ways and at different times depending on where they fall in this mix of race/class/gender/ability etc.

I also have body dysphoria, and it’s true our bodies can define a lot of our human experience (after all if I didn’t have a body I wouldn’t have dysphoria, right?? Godddd what a life).  But also because I have dysphoria, I do not think that our bodies should be the defining characteristic of our identities.  Bodies and presentation can cause a lot of our social interactions- including oppression- but I think to say woman and woman’s experience = female body is quite a limited summary of the issue with little nuance, and it’s also quite limiting with the way our society is changing.  This is why I heavily prefer terms like assigned female at birth.  This can imply that such a person may have had a socially female experience (like me) in part due to their body, and thus was socially assigned to be a female, but just... also isnt a woman for some reason or another.

I also think that what we strive to do is not to ignore history (I think very few people are denying the way women have been treated in history, and are still treated to this day) but we hope to build from it.  I think that’s why feminism and gender studies get lumped together.  A lot of feminist activists/scholars (many were both at the same time) led our current strides into gender constructivism.  I studied a lot of gender essentialism when I started my thesis, and to be honest, I saw the point behind it in the context of the time, but we’ve shifted in understanding and context since then.

And, in full disclosure, at the start of this whole adventure, (and i am SURE this will be used against me) I really did identify with being a woman.  I thought it was awesome to have the body I had and when I started witchcraft I did actually fall into that really easy trap of tying the female experience to magic.  (Honestly because I HATED my body and looking back that was probably a way to cope with DYSPHORIA and not the other way around).  And isn’t inherently harmful to have a working magical relationship with your body like that, but it is harmful when you think and say that’s the only way people can exist and the only way people can be magical.  But over time, I just started to change.  Nothing traumatic happened, I’ve been incredibly fortunate and privileged my entire life, it’s not a coping mechanism, I just started to identify with womanhood less and less, for no real particular reason- nothing about me personality or preference-wise changed.  Just my own internal view of myself.

I also got the words for gender euphoria.  And I noticed more and more that, if I was being honest with myself, that that was always how I had truly felt.  While it’s true gender roles shouldn’t exist, just like any other role or label, it’s different when someone chooses that role for themselves versus when they have it thrust upon them.  As a child, like many other AFAB children, I had the idea of womanhood thrust upon me, with all the roles and stereotypes that went along with it.  It’s fucked up in the first place, don’t get me wrong, but I knew people who embraced these fullheartedly, I knew people who didn’t.  But some people who didn’t still identified with womanhood, others became ftm, others became mtf.  I had “woman” thrust upon me, didn’t identify with it, rebelled against it, tried to rationalize it by accepting that I could be a “woman” without falling into gender stereotypes because there is no ONE correct way to be a woman (which there ISN’T), still didn’t feel right, did a full 180 and started buying pink lingerie and worshipped Aphrodite, that worked for a while and was overall a positive experience that helped me hate myself a little less, but at the end of the day, no matter what I did, I still did not identify as a woman.  What does happen to me, however?  I get a burst of euphoria when I am called a boy.  That makes me feel like I’m being really seen.  I actually resonate with that after years of not resonating at all with womanhood no matter how I sliced it, and that’s why it feels so fucking good.  I tried to identify as a woman. Believe me, I tried like all fucking hell.  Even though my presentation is still read as mostly female (I would disagree strongly with it but alas society and their fucking gender roles), I am quite the feminine boy-something to me, and I don’t have to justify that to anyone.

So TL;DR no it’s not a coping mechanism, I have lived a life full of very accepting, open-minded people and I won’t deny that I have that privilege, but in spite of that i STILL did not view myself as a woman, no matter how hard I tried.  I’ve actually generally accepted my body except on the days my dysphoria makes me want to throw my boobs across the room, I don’t think it’s denying history if we’re building from it, gender roles are fucked up.  I recognize that my experience being AFAB- and others who are AFAB- comes along with a particular type of oppression, but that’s why I prefer the term AFAB because it indicates the experience you’re talking about while also leaving it open to considering other experiences like my own and the experiences of other trans and nb folks.  In a few years AFAB might be outdated as a term and then we’ll find more terms to help figure this whole mess out.

TL;DR;DR no it’s not a coping mechanism and anyone is welcome to think that this is simply part of the horrible fallout of female socialization, and anyone is welcome to think that i’m mentally ill for identifying like this. people can think or say all they want about me but it won’t change the fact that I’m a boy-something and it won’t change all the years I struggled trying to figure that out.

Thank you for allowing me to write this all out, I think I really needed to.  This is something that had been floating in my brain forever, and explaining it all to you actually made my thoughts that much clearer.

Now everyone who sees this- please respect my wishes and please don’t clown in these notes if it spreads.  I’m tired enough about this as it is today.  I’m tired enough about fucking gender as it is.  We’re all fucking tired.  What I’ve shared today is about me and me alone and I want to keep it that way.

#gender stuff #discourse #seriously i know people are gonna comment on this but i wanted to share it bc i thought it was important to say #but i REALLY don't want other people wrapped up in MY OWN issues and identity #anon #asks

[somnilogical]

modular "ethics":

a wrong and two rights make a right

<<I've been known to cause outrage by suggesting that people who really care about something shouldn't have romantic relationships. Think what would happen if I dared to suggest that those people should also seriously consider getting castrated. That would be crazy! And who am I to suggest that basically everyone claiming to be doing good is faking it? Then people would feel bad about themselves. We can't have that!>>

https://squirrelinhell.blogspot.com/2018/02/men-have-women-are.html

previously i talked about an infohazard about altruism that seemed to fuck with grognor. it feels useful to pass by the dead and look at their lives and choices.

i dont think that castrating yourself is a good intervention for doing stuff you care about, like this is patchwork constraints for an unaligned optimizer. if you arent altruistically aligned from core values, castrating yourself wont make you more aligned.

the "altruists" having babies thing is actual insane and pasek is right about that. pretty much all of society will try and gaslight you about this the way sometimes people are gaslit about "i need to have sex with lots of attractive fems to keep up my moral so i can do super good stuff afterwards.". like if people want to do good for the world it will flow out as a continuous expression of value not some brent dill kind of deal that institutions like CFAR accepted until there was too much social pressure for them to maintain this facade.

the entire premise that morality is this modular thing and you can help set the utility function of an FAI while being a terrible person, is wrong. yet organizations like CFAR keep thinking it will work out for them:

<<We believe that Brent is fundamentally oriented towards helping people grow to be the best versions of themselves. In this way he is aligned with CFAR’s goals and strategy and should be seen as an ally.

  In particular, Brent is quite good at breaking out of standard social frames and making use of unconventional techniques and strategies. This includes things that have Chesterton’s fences attached, such as drug use, weird storytelling, etc. A lot of his aesthetic is dark, and this sometimes makes him come across as evil or machiavellian.

  Brent also embodies a rare kind of agency and sense of heroic responsibility. This has caused him to take the lead in certain events and be an important community hub and driver. The flip side of this is that because Brent is deeply insecure, he has to constantly fight urges to seize power and protect himself. It often takes costly signalling for him to trust that someone is an ally, and even then it’s shaky.

  Brent is a controversial figure, and disliked by many. This has led to him being attacked by many and held to a higher standard than most. In these ways his feelings of insecurity are justified. He also has had a hard life, including a traumatic childhood. Much of the reason people don’t like him comes from a kind of intuition or aesthetic feeling, rather than his actions per se.

  Brent’s attraction to women (in the opinion of the council) sometimes interferes with his good judgement. Brent knows that his judgement is sometimes flawed, and has often sought the help of others to check his actions. Whether or not this kind of social binding is successful is not obvious.>>

https://pastebin.com/fzwYfDNq

<<AnnaSalamon 2/6/09, 5:54 AM

Aleksei, I don’t know what you think about the current existential risks situation, but that situation changed me in the direction of your comment. I used to think that to have a good impact on the world, you had to be an intrinsically good person. I used to think that the day to day manner in which I treated the people around me, the details of my motives and self-knowledge, etc. just naturally served as an indicator for the positive impact I did or didn’t have on global goodness.

(It was a dumb thing to think, maintained by an elaborate network of rationalizations that I thought of as virtuous, much the way many people think of their political “beliefs”/clothes as virtuous. My beliefs were also maintained by not bothering to take an actually careful look either at global catastrophic risks or even at the details of e.g. global poverty. But my impression is that it’s fairly common to just suppose that our intuitive moral self-evaluations (or others’ evaluations of how good of people we are) map tolerably well onto actual good consequences.)

Anyhow: now, it looks to me as though most of those “good people”, living intrinsically worthwhile lives, aren’t contributing squat to global goodness compared to what they could contribute if they spent even a small fraction of their time/money on a serious attempt to shut up and multiply. The network of moral intuitions I grew up in is… not exactly worthless; it does help with intrinsically worthwhile lives, and, more to the point, with the details of how to actually build the kinds of reasonable human relationships that you need for parts of the “shut up and multiply”-motivated efforts to work… but, for most people, it’s basically not very connected to how much good they do or don’t do in the world. If you like, this is good news: for a ridiculously small sum of effort (e.g., a $500 donation to SIAI; the earning power of seven ten-thousandths of your life if you earn the US minimum wage), you can do more expected-good than perhaps 99.9% of Earth’s population. (You may be able to do still more expected-good by taking that time and thinking carefully about what most impacts global goodness and whether anyone’s doing it.)>>

https://www.greaterwrong.com/posts/4pov2tL6SEC23wrkq/epilogue-atonement-8-8

like opposing this isnt self-denying moral aestheticism or a signalling game of how good you can look (credibly signalling virtue is actually a good thing, i wish more people did it by for instance demonstrating how they win in a way that wouldnt work if they werent aligned. whose power seeded from their alignment.). its like... the alternative where people do things that it makes no sense for an altruist to do and then say that when they go to their day jobs they are super duper altruistic they swear; compartmentalizing in this way ...doesnt actually work.

people who want to obscure what altruism looks like will claim that this is moving around a social schelling point for who is to be ostracized. and that altruism as a characteristic of a brain isnt a cluster-in-reality that you can talk about. because it will be coopted by malicious actors as a laser to unjustly zap people with. these people are wrong.

both EA and CFAR are premised on some sort of CDT modular morality working. it is actually pretending to do CDT optimization because like with brent at each timestep they are pretending to think "how can we optimize utility moving forward?" (really i suspect they are just straight up mindcontrolled by brent, finding ways to serve their master because they used force and the people at CFAR were bad at decision theory) instead of seeking to be agents such that brent when brents plans to predate on people ran through them, he would model it as more trouble than it was worth and wouldnt do this in the first place.

CFAR and EA will do things like allowing someone to predate on women because they are "insightful" or creating a social reality where people with genetic biases who personally devote massive amounts of time and money to babies who happen to be genetically related to them and then in their day job act "altruistically". as long as it all adds up to net positive, its okay right?

but thats not how it works and structures built off of this are utterly insufficient to bring eutopia to sentient life. in just the same way that "scientists" who when they arent at their day jobs are theists are an utterly insufficient to bring eutopia to sentient life.

<<Maybe we can beat the proverb—be rational in our personal lives, not just our professional lives. We shouldn’t let a mere proverb stop us: “A witty saying proves nothing,” as Voltaire said. Maybe we can do better, if we study enough probability theory to know why the rules work, and enough experimental psychology to see how they apply in real-world cases—if we can learn to look at the water. An ambition like that lacks the comfortable modesty of being able to confess that, outside your specialty, you’re no better than anyone else. But if our theories of rationality don’t generalize to everyday life, we’re doing something wrong. It’s not a different universe inside and outside the laboratory.>>

--

to save the world it doesnt help to castrate yourself and make extra super sure not to have babies. people's values are already what they are, their choices have already been made. these sort of ad-hoc patches are what wrangling an unaligned agent looks like. and the output of an unaligned agent with a bunch of patches, isnt worth much. would you delegate important tasks to an unaligned AI that was patched up after each time it gave a bad output?

it does mean that if after they know about the world and what they can do, people still say that they specifically should have babies, i mark them as having a kind of damage and route around them.

someone not having babies doesnt automatically mark them as someone id pour optimization energy into expecting it to combine towards good ends. the metrics i use are cryptographically secure from being goodharted. so i can talk openly about traits i use to discern between people without worrying about people reading about this and using it to gum up my epistemics.

[lovebunnie]

fr the poem questions: all of them >: )c

jared... only for you...

the tyger – are you a taker of calculated risks or do you enjoy playing with fire? would you rather ask for permission or forgiveness?

i am a major rule follower, i am not at all adventurous and i like to stay in my comfort zone. my life is a mix of staying true to my comfort zone and doing what I feel is right, first instinct. 

i carry your heart with me – do you believe in fate? what’s your secret to living a good life?

i tend to not believe in fate, it tends to make people not take responsibility for their actions and it leaves a bad taste in my mouth; predestination takes away humility from us. and i wouldnt say that im currently living a good life, its getting there but more often then not i would not describe my days as ‘happy’, more so just another day. but to make a day not outwardly bad, i firmly believe in having a really good breakfast in the morning and taking a shower at night. both of those really make my days better.

i wandered lonely as a cloud – what does nature mean to you? where do you feel most at peace?

nature for me is what comes to us instinctively and what we turn to for comfort in trying times. i feel the most at peace either at summer camp or in my bedroom with my cat :3

blackberrying – what were your early years like? do you miss being a child?

my early years were very happy, i was a very happy and funloving child. it was a time where i wasnt told about any of my family drama so i lived in blissful ignorance. i definitely miss being a child, all the way up to about 7th grade. its just been downhill from 8th grade and on.

ode to a nightingale – how do you feel about your own mortality? do you believe in life after death?

my mortality is something of a burden i carry with me everyday, a reminder that every minute is precious and this is the only life i get, i have one shot to not fuck it up. i dont believe in the afterlife, the concept of death is something that if i think too hard about then itll fuck me up.

hope is the thing with feathers – what gives you hope? what would you tell your 10-year-old self?

hope comes from those news stories about good news, like charity donation goals being hit and remembered anniversaries and flower bouquets in public, there is good in the world and sometimes its hard to find but its always there. to my 10 year old self, i would tell her to not hold too tightly to those around you, and that life constantly changes so dont get too attached or comfortable because itll prevent you from growing in the future.

the road not taken – do you find it hard to make decisions? what regrets do you have?

its really hard to make decisions because i always assume that my ideas are wrong or bad so if someone else takes the lead, i cant be blamed. as far as regrets, i wish that in my past, i just put myself out there more. i couldve spent highschool actively seeking for possibilities instead of sulking and wishing they came to me. they dont ever, you have to find them.

still i rise – what's your relationship with yourself like? what are your best qualities?

i have a bad relationship to myself; if i admire one trait about myself, the other traits must be less than. for example, if i think i look nice one day, then i remember abt my grades or my writing and how much i hate both of those. i can never be fully at peace, it will never be enough to sate my psyche. my ‘best’ qualities depend on the day, right now i think i have nice eyelashes.

howl – can you express yourself freely? do you feel smothered by societal norms?

i struggle everyday to be my genuine self. its not so much societal norms but my own mind; i want to look nice but i dont want to attract too much attention. i want to be remembered but not for how good my ass looks or whatever. my biggest fear is that people see me as something desirable but only sexually so i want to dress how i feel but i cant because im terrified of the gaze of men on my campus.

the raven – are you in touch with your feelings? how would you describe the relationship between emotions & rationality?

im extremely in touch with my feelings. i can acknowledge when i am angry or sad or happy, even if i dont know why. i allow myself to feel my feelings and then let them pass, i hate bottling those things up. between emotions and rationality, i use my emotions 9 times out of 10. i ask myself, ‘what do i want?’ and the first thing i come up with, i know is what i truly want to do. 

sonnet 116 – how do you define love? what qualities do you look for in a significant other?

i think love is everything; its the warmth of hanging out with familiar people, its when people remember facts about you, its a meaningful hug and its ‘this reminded me of you’. its different for everyone but i feel love in everything i do. in a significant other, the biggest thing is being able to make me laugh, if youre funny than im sold.

to autumn – what's your favorite season and why? what cherished memories do you associate with that season?

my favorite season is winter because it has lots of holiday warmth, good food, pleasant childhood memories, and comfortable clothing. also i love snow. i have very vivid memories of a blizzard in maryland when i was 11(?) years old, my neighbor tied a sled to the back of his ATV and dragged us around the cul de sac, it was so much fun!!

the waste land – do you like big cities? if you could choose any place on earth, where would you settle down?

i love big cities, they evoke so many feelings of love and the atmosphere being surrounded by people makes me so happy! if i could live anywhere, i think it would be san francisco, i love the city and the weather and the public transportation!!

o captain! my captain! – what are your aspirations in life? what motivates you?

in life, i want to give a tedtalk. i would also love to publish a book but i dont like what i write so if i ever did, id end up hating the book anyway in a year or so. i want to teach people the joy of public speaking and i want to give kids the joys i had given to me by my teacher when i was their age. my motivation comes from, this has to be done and if no one else will do it, it might as well be me. i have the passion and everything else will follow after that.

she walks in beauty – what's your aesthetic? how would you describe the relationship between inner goodness & outer beauty?

id describe my aesthetic as lovecore, i love the color pink and red and hearts and flowers and teddy bears and dresses and sparkles and valentines day and i love everything stereotypically ‘cute’. and i feel there is no outer beauty without inner goodness, if someone has bad intentions or a rotten core, their outward appearance will reflect.

one art – how do you deal with loss? do you write diary entries, poetry or prose?

thankfully i have not had to go through tremendous loss in my life but when i feel an emotional loss or general low point, i tend to move towards art, aimless doodling to take my mind off of situations. it centers me.

work, sometimes – how does your favorite weather make you feel? what is happiness to you?

my favorite weather makes me feel SO happy, all smiley and giddy and like things are going to be okay, just for one day, i will make this a good one. happiness to me is comfort and joy, its something that makes you laugh until your sides hurt and its art that you look at and feel. happiness isnt a huge moment, its little moments scattered throughout the days.

acquainted with the night – do you think there's such thing as the right time? what’s your outlook on the world?

no, i dont like to set things off for the thought of there being a right and wrong time. time isnt real and we only have so long on earth so there is no time but the present. go get that tattoo, ask them out, eat that snack. my outlook on the world is that there is a lot of bad shit but there is also a lot of good shit you will never see but it important nonetheless. you cant change the world in a day so you might as well take it one day at a time, working everyday to make it as good as possible.

if – do you daydream a lot? are you volatile, or do you stay calm when conflicts arise?

i love to day dream, it helps me determine what i really want and its a lovely distraction when the goings get tough. i try to avoid conflicts in every situation possible but if i were pushed, id either accept my mistake and apologize and work towards a better future; or i would tell the other person how im feeling and what i can do to help them feel better.

what would i give? – do you cry often? if you could change anything about your past, what would it be?

things make me sad but rarely enough to cry, things more so tend to weigh me down then break me. i let the sadness take me however it sees fit. and if thats to cry, so be it. if i could change anything about my past, i would just say that you will only get this chance to start over in a new state once, the years will go by quick so to TAKE OPPORTUNITIES WHEN THEY SHOW THEM SELF TO YOU!!!!!!

#adoration #rockcandey #stan tag #this took so long

[do-lvn]

Hey there, Grayson

SUMMARY: Grayson and (Y/N) were best friends since second grade, they grew and so did their love.

based off ‘hey there, Delilah.’ By plain white t’s :)

15, you were fifteen when you realized that you were in love with Grayson. It was a simple day, a normal one to be exact, it was spent at the Dolan household. Being only 7 when you had met Ethan and Grayson, it made you all inseparable. So days at their house was nothing new. Once when your parents left for a business trip you ended up staying with them for a whole month. And even though you all had been inseparable, there was something that you and Grayson had and with being so little, was something you couldn’t quite wrap your head around just yet. So as a young one you ignored it, but when you all were huddled in a blanket outside by the fire it hit you hard. You turned to look at Grayson who was smiling at some absurd joke Ethan had just told and you felt your heart slow down, as you watched him laugh.

You felt your chest tighten and your heart started pounding as it felt like a truck was running straight through you. He took notice of someone's gaze and turned to meet eyes with you, sending you a shy smile and ducking his head further into the blanket, because whether or not he would admit it everyone knew you were truly the only girl who would drive Grayson crazy.

Yet you didn't know that, because when you hit the age 16, Grayson confessed his love for you on - only - the second date. He couldn't help it. He had taken you to the beach to watch the sun go down, simple, yet you loved every second of it. That's when he looked over at you and said it. “(Y/N), I'm in love with you.” your heart only swelled as you pulled him into a bone crushing hug. All the current events shocking you nonetheless.

Then 4OU happened and you were thrilled when Grayson invited you to join, both him and Ethan agreeing it wouldn’t be as fun without their best friend. So you had begged your mom to go and when she finally said yes, you were quickly packing your bags for months on the road. You even had Grayson on the phone not believing you were actually able to go. “I know, it’s crazy. I didn't think she was going to give in.” he chuckled at that, “me neither but I'm not complaining like my girlfriend gets to go on tour with me.” you felt your stomach start doing flips at the title. His girlfriend.

17, was the age Grayson broke your heart, along with his. His career had a huge take off after tour and his manager had insisted they move to Los Angeles for better business when you found out the news your heart shattered, it was just the beginning of your junior year. “It’s best if we break up, angel. You still have school and things will be hard.” you nodded, he knew you understood and you couldn't hold him back making videos was something he enjoyed and you weren't about to be another person telling Grayson he couldn't do it. “Don’t forget about me, okay?” you ask while wiping a tear from his cheek, he laughs and pulls you into a quick kiss. “I couldn’t even if I tried, I love you.” you smile and hug him tighter.

Even though you were sad, and so was Grayson no doubt. You both knew how big the situation was and it was an opportunity they couldn't pass up, so with one last hug and a quick peck he was out the door.

19 - PRESENT DAY

“Ethan! You bitch ass.” Grayson groaned as he watched Ethan take a quick shot at him. He quickly dropped his headset, “Fuck you, I was about to get victory royale.” Ethan snickers, “so? I wanted to win.” Grayson turned around in his chair and threw the nearest pillow at Ethan. “Hey! Don’t be a sore loser.” Grayson sighed, “whatever, I'm going to finish editing the video.”

Ethan didn’t bother to pry his eyes away from the screen, just stuck up a hand and waved Grayson off. He made his way back to his bedroom and flopped onto his mattress, life was good, but there was something missing that even though Grayson couldn’t quite figure out exactly what it was, he knew he would find out soon.

Very soon.

“(Y/N), please be a dear and set these on the table for me.”  Your mom was having a dinner party for her co-workers, one you weren’t invited too “I don’t get why I’m helping when you're not even letting me join!” you said jokingly. “I’ll have your father send you a plate straight to your room, sound good?” you set down the last plate and place a hand on your chin, “hmm not sure, I will say yes only if I get a cherry cola.”

She smiles, “I’ll do you one better, this was supposed to be a surprise but Lisa is coming along with the twins, they finally came around the time you were here, so I'll have your father bring you Grayson, k?” you feel your heart stop and your smile get wider, “sounds perfect.”

Seeing Grayson for the first time in 2 years had your heart racing. You had talked here and there over the years but nothing recent with you being so busy with college, so it was now winter break and you were happy that you were finally having a nice breather away from all the exams. You were going on to your second year and it was nice, college was looking way better than high school.

“So mom, she’s going into her second year right?” Lisa laughed at Grayson's nervousness, “yes gray, and calm down, you know her, she’s still the same bubbly girl she was three years ago.” he nodded. “Right right, would've been nice if Ethan joined.” she nodded, “yeah, a nice reunion.” he looked down, “yeah.”

When the door got pulled open, revealing your mother. Grayson’s nerves got bad he was thinking nothing but the worse. That maybe you would be mad at him for not talking to you recently. But he was wrong and it was just panic. “Nice to see you gray, (Y/N)’s upstairs, you know the way.” she shooed him off and continued to conversate with Lisa.

He took a look at your stairs and let all the memories you two had come back to him, it made him feel better knowing that you guys didn't end on a bad note, he took one last deep breath before knocking on your door. When he did you were quick to hop up. It had been three years since you had seen gray in person and you didn’t know how to feel, or how he looked.

The door opened and gray smiled, “hey.” he didn’t say anything back just quickly pulled you into a hug. “I missed you so much, how are you? How’s school? Tell me everything.” you smile and close your door.

“I'm going into my second year of college, only 2 more left after that. I'm good, just busy. Schools so stressful and on top of that my job is irritating. But i'm managing, how about you, how are you?” he casually shrugged, “good, things have been good. I've just been busy with filming and meetings and stuff like that.” you smile.

“Im happy your good. Hows ethan?” he laughed. “Good, still dramatic as fuck.” this time you both shared a laugh. “I really did miss you (Y/N). just things aren't the same without you.” you look down.

“ i miss you guys too, i think about you all the time gray. Wish we didn’t drift like we did, but we could fix that. If you want.” he smiled. “Would love that, now tell me what’s college like?”

You laugh. “Well…” he let your voice fade as he admired you, a lot had changed, your hair was shorter and lighter, your eyes brighter than before and lips plumper. “And other than frat parties every weekend it just stress. I don't go to parties though not my thing.” he nodded. “Never has been.”

The night went on and you fully forgot about all the guests your mom had downstairs, your whole focus on how life was for gray in l.a. He even mentioned the new house him and ethan had, “you should come to visit when your on break, again.” you smile. “I could, i have spring break next.” he smiled. “Really, that’s perfect, me and e can show you around l.a.” you laugh. “Sounds like a plan.”

You both ended up at the park, a childhood spot. You pointed to the slide that over the years became old and damaged. “Remember when we pushed ethan down the slide and he landed on his face.” he chuckled, “and we got into so much trouble, yeah i think i remember. My mom took away my ipod.” you laugh and look over at the old tire swing. “Our first kiss was on that tire swing, then right after you fell off.” you felt your cheeks heat up at the memory. “Gosh don't remind me, that was so embarrassing.” he chuckled. “It was cute, your cheeks were so red, you looked like a tomato, hey kind of like you do right now.” you playfully smack his shoulder, he only smiles and looks down.

“It’s kind of crazy to remember where i was only three years ago and now look at me.” you laugh, “i know, when did you start working out?” it was his turn to playfully push you. “I've always worked out, don't be rude.” you put your hands up in defense, “okay, okay.”

The last encounter was better than before, “it was amazing to see you, keep in touch okay?” you nod. “Of course, i miss you already.” he pulls you into a quick hug. “Hey two more years and then your done and i'll be waiting for you.” you pull him closer. “Yeah, i’ll see you soon, gray.” he squeezed tighter and placed a kiss to your forehead. “Goodnight, (Y/N).”

“G’night gray.”

You were currently at home finishing up an assignment when your phone started ringing, to occupied with work you didnt even bother to see the name. “Hey there, (Y/N).” you smile at the voice.

“Hey there, grayson.”

- THE END

#grayson dolan #grayson dolan imagine

[charlieestudies]

alphabet tag :)

tysm @smiley-studies for the tag !

a- age: nineteen

b- birthplace: sydney australia

c- current time: 10:28pm

d- drink you last had: plain black tea

e- easiest person to talk to: my doggo !

f- favourite song: im a music major do u really want a detailed list complete with appendix and footnotes bc thats how long my response to this is

g- grossest memory: uhh probs when my sister was a baby n i was about to put her in the bath and she peed and threw up on me simultaneously

h- horror yes or horror no: as long as there’s no scenes that involve cuts/excessive blood then sure

i- in love: with dogs ? always.

j- jealous: more than i’d like to admit

 k- kiss or be kissed: idk ive only had one kiss n it was almost four years ago and barely counts so. then again this is all on the assumption that anyone would ever kiss or wants to be kissed by me

l- love at first sight or should I walk by again: walk by again

m- middle name: dont have one

n- number of siblings: two, a brother and a sister, both younger

o- one wish: for everyone i love to be healthy and live forever and ever

p-last person you called: my grandma

q- question you are always asked: uhhhhh, bit of a weird one, but i get asked if i’m autistic a lot and frankly its really fucking annoying

r- reason to smile: doggo ! and the fact that i’m in my dream degree and loving every second of my education

s- song you last sang: hard times by paramore, when it came on at work yesterday

t- time you woke up: 9:28am

u- underwhelming experience: hs graduation. i wasnt able to go too the actual graduation dinner, so i never got to receive my awards or graduation certificate. they wouldnt actually let me take them home on my last day, so i had to go back there the day after i graduated to pick up the envelope for the office staff so that i could submit them for uni applications

v- vacation destination: i wanna say melbourne, new york and mexico but lets be real i get anxious going to a new coffee shop or even slightly straying from routine so i probs wont ever actually go on a holiday

w- worst habit: like, existing and being annoying

x- x-ray: teeeeeeeeth babey

y- your favorite food: banananananananananna

z- zodiac sign: leo

imma tag @b-sharp-major @mildlinerrs @that-piano-violin-girl @petrastudiess and @thekingsstudy !

#charlie tags

[sickeningradiances]

tagged by @cishethiruzen tysm!! ♥

What was your last

Drink: orange mirinda with ICE bc its SUMMER

Phone call: i dont remember but i dont talk to anyone else but momther

Last text: i just checked my texts and theyre all from bank and me asking the operator how much money i have...

Last song: Dehumanized by Disturbed

Last time I cried: its been some time! a good month! so im gonna say a month back from frustration

Have you ever dated anyone: i had.. 2 girlfriend and one boyfriend, who was a cishet, so in retrospect i hope he never finds out i discovered my gender

Kissed some one and regretted it: yep, im gonna say my ex bf

Have you ever been cheated on: not to my knowledge

Lost someone special: a few friends stopped talking to me, but im not mourning that anymore

Been drunk and thrown up: i havent been drunk for 3 years, but before that i did not throw up

List three favorite colors: gold, black, red (yes basic)

In the last year have you…

Made a new friend: yes it helped me a LOT with mental health

Fallen out of love: not yet but hopefully ill lose this stupid crush

Laughed till you cried: YEA when i killed ashe with my sparrow

Met someone who changed you: yes i’d say all of my new friends have helped me to become better

Found out who your true friends are: i guess?

Found out someone was talking about you: not to my knowledge.. Yet

Kissed someone on your FB friends list: i have no gotdamn idea whos on my fb friends list but i did not Kiss Anyone so either way no lmao

General

How many ppl do you know on your FB list irl: i have a feeling this thing is from facebook

Do you have any pets: MY CAT.... LIL SASKE, OR PIZZA JR i love him so much every day i am excited to come home to see him

Do you want to change your name: one day when i transition

What did you do for your last birthday: im Pretty sure i played overwatch as a highlight of the day

What time did you wake up today: 7:35 and i was late to work but 4 hours of sleep do that

What were you doing at midnight last night: gaming.. well i go to sleep at midnight so finishing up (and then i listened to mbmbam for 2 hours)

Something you cannot wait for: week in august when i’ll be home from work lmao AND destiny shadowkeep

Last time you saw your mother: this morning

What is one thin you wish you could change about life: about my life you kn ow... transition. but about life in general, im gonna say i wish climate change wasnt a thing and rich people wouldnt be killing planet but o Boy

What are you listening to right now: Walk away from the sun by Seether

Have you ever talked to a man named Tom: i dont think so?

What’s getting on your nerves: work... colleagues think i can write for 7 hours in this heat with my tired jello hands

Most visited website: ouch tumblr

Nickname: Pizza

Relationship status: single and dumbass

Zodiac sign: virgo

Pronouns: he/him

Fav tv shows: i dont remember..i dont really watch Anything but i do read books so here’s current two: ascension (obviously) and Ninefox Gambit (and rest of the triology) by Yoon Ha Lee

Hair color: brown, all red has grown out

Long or short: short

Height: 173cm..i think 5′7

Do you have a crush on someone: dont call me out

What do you like about yourself: i am really loving this new Can Read Books Pizza that ive never met before, i can finally focus on something for a while

Tattoos: constellation of virgo on my forearm, i want taurus next and capricorn after

Righty or lefty: right and i have to look at my arm everytime im trying to say sides

First surgery: none

First piercing: none agane

First best friend: in kindergarden i used to  have friend called Niki cause no one else liked me, so when she wasnt in for a day i just. sulked alone ajkfsk but also we could say my cousin michelle

First sport you joined: i liked and still like only volleyball

First pair of trainers: i dont fucking know

Right now

Eating: early dinner cause i had munchies

Drinking: same orange soda

Listening to: second one in same quiz.. well song changed so Words as Weapons by Seether (i am listening to only seether today for some reason)

Want kids: Not At All

Career: Ive always wanted to write or paint..but my interests dont hold for long

Which is better

Lips or eyes: eyes

Hugs or kisses: casually hugs but i woudlnt mind kisses smh

Shorter or taller: Everyone Must Be Shorter Than Me

Romantic or spontaneous: rrromantic?

Nice stomach or nice arms: ?? arms? id say hands

Sensitive or loud: sensitive.. whatever but not loud

Hookup or relationship: relationship ig

Troublemaker or hesitant: i used to be troublemaker but now hesitant

Have you ever

Kissed a stranger: no

Drank hard liquor: uhm yea im slavic

Lost glasses/contacts: never had glasses

Sex on the first date: i dont think ive had DATES but either way no

Broke someone’s heart: i think all of my exes broke up with me

Had your heart broken: yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Been arrested: lmao i dont go outside

Turned someone down: that would require people to ask me out lmao

Cried when someone died: i dont

Fallen for a friend: HEY I SAID DONT CALL ME OUT

Do you believe in

Yourself: IM TRYING

Miracles: hmmm depends

Love at first site: nnooo

Santa Claus: we  dont have santa lmao but i didnt believe in baby jesus for long either

Kiss on the first date: oh Yea

Angels: i want to but not christian angels.. just some supernatural beings

im tagging (sorry lmao i have no friends) @ashesucksatowofficial @artimidas @uchithot and @lady-efriyeet hi

#john.txt #feel free to ignore but i sure LOVE talking abt myself jdsfjsksd

[blazinsloth]

Dear Diary,

This is the second time I’ve tried to write this, last time was interrupted by yet another argument. I’m supposed to be writing a diary for my DBT therepy, but she never sent me my outline. So, I decided to write a blog and make my own outline.

I’ve been up since 3:30am, I did go to bed earlier, but i shouldn't have been up that early. My sleep has never been on a schedule though, but waking up early was never my thing. Could be the medication switch, but hopefully this not sleeping thing will pass. I’m already not able to eat because of the medication that helps with my fibromyalgia so i cant afford to not sleep too.

Lets just start out by saying the past month and a half have been a living hell; and whats worse it’s my fault and I’m losing everyone from my life. I feel like i cant experience the joy of watching my child grow up because I’m so busy being angry, frustrated, and upset at myself and others. Cody and I are always together because hes currently not working and it doesn’t help that every plan we have to try and help yourself, completely blows up.

We have a lot of appointments this week, plus Cody and i need time for us to work on us, so my mom decided to take the baby to visit my dad in Newfoundland, but she’s gone beyond pissing me off. I don’t want any form of relationship for her right now and as soon as i stop working for my dad i think were going to take a break from most of my family. One positive thing that has come out of arguing with my family, is I feel l’ve become closer with my sister and I’m actually standing up for myself. I’m not giving up until I get my point across.

Cody and i have been arguing so much lately its breaking my heart. I have a really hard time focusing for a long time and communicating as it is, I’m working on it, but he gets so mad at me. He makes the arguments last longer then any argument should last, even if its a small situation. I don’t think he’d ever hurt me, but i know he tries to intimidate me, whether he realizes it or not, and talk down to me like a child, also calling me nasty names he knows are the ones that specifically hurt me. When I feel like there’s no option for flight, its just fight and if i tell him how he makes me feel he just loses it, so I’ve turned my defense mechanisms on and just become extremely sarcastic and treat it more like a joke then an argument. Which, obviously makes the situation worse, but sometimes its the only thing i can say and he gets mad at me for not responding or responding with yes and okay. I need to work on communication skills yes, but so does he. Were starting to become toxic for eachother and thats the last thing i want!

My mom on the other hand, yes i don’t deny being rude, but shes treated me like the ugly shit she had and praised her beautiful younger daughter just for being her...or not me. Whatever the reason was childhood, through my teens, even still to this day actually, I’ve watched her favor Alicia. I don’t hold it against Alicia anymore though, I blame my mother. There’s way more to it, like who says to their daughter “you should probably put some make-up on before you leave” and other bullshit like that, but i could go on and on. Shes controlling, manipulative, can’t take critisim, super stubborn and i HATE that I’m so much like her. I got the worst qualities from both my parents...great. She’s also causing problems in my relationship because i keep trying to have a relationship with her hoping she will change and immediately proving me wrong and the cycle starts again. Cody and i always argue after a fight with her or I let her get me upset.

I’m have to focus on learning to love myself so i can be the best person i can for my family. I’m just having a really difficult time getting there. Which leads me to getting mire and more frustrated with myself which comes out sounding like anger and frustration towards the person im talking too. Its just all getting overwhelming with everyone pushing me to magically get better with one appoitment, but against medication.

The only person in my life i felt could really understand is currently in the ICU in a coma for over 2 weeks now. I’m losing my mind i miss her so much and I’m so scared for her. I cant go visit her because i know she wouldnt want me to see her that way, but i dont want our last goodbye to be our last goodbye if she doesnt make it. I want her to know how much i love her and appriciate her friendship. I don’t think would have made it this far if i hadn’t found her and obviously wade, but shes really still a big positive light in my life.

No one is sympathetic for me because she didnt take good care of herself, which i know, i was the one to do it, but its still my friend and shes in a fucking coma. I just wish someone would see it from my point of view.

Sincerely fucking yours,

Milly 

[teddy-feathers]

okay not to be depressed on main but j deleted my vent blog and i actually need to get these thoughts out

before therapy...

i don't think i ever realized how bad i was. oh of course i was bad - cant be swinging from "everythings on fire but i dont care infact let's just add gasoline and get it over with cause im so chill about it" to "im drowing in emotions basically all the time there is no off switch" and not know hmmm something might probably just possibly be wrong mayhaps

but.

i was looking for a way to gage just how bad i am currently

and started answering questions with idk four levels of rating for answers and i realized back then i wouldnt have beeen able to judge because i honestly thought and wished i was just being dramatic but looking back? yeah mark that bitch at concerningly high

and then i saw a list of things people say when theyre suicidal and. dude yeah. i said all of those things. i still say all of those things when times get rough

the difference is now i notice its getting bad and donsomething about it

i quit my job recently because i got really bad really fasr and noticed.

i say i wouldn't do it but a strong enough impulse with how tired I was constantly? short on sleep and over worked, stressed and... yeah. i was going around a corner the other day and just thought about how scared i was of myself and how frequent that impulse was and how because of how low my mood had gotten ei figured out that during those times i dont give a fuck about the life ive been building im just tired of sealing with everything and i want it to stop

i dont... want to but im tired all of the time physically not emotionally.

i dont go around like i did telling myself awful things because ive SEEN evidence and i KNOW and with practive i BELIEVE the good things and the realistic things.

which is GOOD!

but emotionally? i didnt realize that even though I KNOW better i still FEEL that way.

even though i know its stupid.

and i dont... beat myself up for feeling bad as much and i dont do a lot of things.

im a lot better and i dont care if anyone else can see the progess I'm living it. or. trying to.

its hard you know?

but im still not okay and thats hard to swallow or accpet when im a lot better than i used to be and i dont. want to waste time or whine or... i KNOW better? i know all the steps and what to do to succeed. i know how to act despite how i feel and I now have therapy tools so i can even help myself there and have been for six months now and.

its not enough?

like. im spoiled. ive got a good life. my aunt makes sure to remind me of that and how ungrateful i am and how i dont do enough every time we talk and honestly she doesnt need to? because even if i KNOW that its bullshit even if some parts of it are true it's just been twistedd... i do that enough to my self? i cant. not do that.

and getting more help and being like "i dont know if i can do the things it takes to survive for any great length of time because of my issues but id like to still get rewarded for making an effort with continued survival?" well thats just life isnt it.

we're all out here struggling to make ends meet and when i give it my all i succeed so whats the problem? i CAN'T do it for any length of time. a year tops. six months average. ive got proof. but like. nothings wrong sonits just me.

so logically i should get a job that works me less. stresses me less. right? but i cant live on that. so go back to school - which i cant explain how much i cant do that even if it was a full ride for whatever reason. tech school might be a thing but id no shit prefer a damn apprenticeship over that nightmare which isnt a thing.

this new job IF i get it and IF i make it through training and IF i can keep it is probably going to work me just as hard as my last job - only ill have to do shit outside. BUT I'll get paid more and BUT I'll have insurances and theoretically ill be able to pay and go to therapy as well as work on my physical health. which. cool beans. IF i can obtain and keep the job long enough eithout loosing my shit

but like. i am bad. should i even bother trying when there's a good chance ill go through all this effort only to self sabotage again

what should and can i do like idk

im better ENOUGH to not just. give up. hence the applications and actually answering the phone today but thats just because i havent sunk into apathy for a long while. it doesn't feel pointless to try its just

the consistent problem i have is me. i keep getting in my own way. and i can't stop that?

everything was going really well and then last weeked i realized is deive myself off the road to either get a break or get everything to stop so i quit because it's not the kind of place i can take a day off and i didnt think a day would fix it

hell a week hasnt

and like

nothings technically wrong with me. im NOT as bad as I was and i did yard work yesterday. everythings not fine inside but im better at functioning despite that so youd think id find a way to just keep doing that.

ive got to get dressed ans eat and go out so i guess thats the end of my vent sorry

#vent