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lxm-memories · 2 years

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safe w/ shu yamino

✧ shu yamino x gn!reader

✧ content: hurt & comfort, spooky sorcery talk, me revealing how down bad i truly am for shu yamino and his hands. my own headcanons on how sorcery and curses work.

✧ word count: 1.5k

✧ synopsis: "say all you want about your hands being used to curse people, but in all the years i've known and come to love you - these hands have done nothing, but protect and love me. would you still call this feeling of safety a curse then, shu?"

✧ rule of thumb: please read my works as fiction related to the streamers, they are in no way real or connected to what the actual streamer is as a person - i write for the personas of luxiem, not for the person behind them.

✧ a/n: me having the chance to make shu's sorcery and curse abilities simple like it's probably intended be but instead chooses to make it more complicated because for some reason my brain doesn't want to make simple things simple. noice. i had a vision for this - but then i forgot what that vision was ://

There are nights where everything is peaceful - in order. During those nights it almost feels like there's nothing wrong, nothing to worry about - nothing to fear. During those nights, Shu becomes overly affectionate and touch starved - a stark contrast to his usual easygoing behaviour where he allows you to do whatever you want, but never initiate anything himself.

It's one of the few nights where Shu isn't smiling with guilt for waking you up, and you usually wake up with half his body hovering over yours, both hands tangled with his own while he peppers quick kisses over your face. And when you giggle, signaling that you're awake, he only pulls away just enough so he can rest his forehead on your own. "Hi," he whispers, and you lean up to give him a quick kiss on his lips in return while you untangle your left hand from his own - he usually never lets you detangle your right hand away though, gripping it tightly during these nights.

You don't mind it, even when it starts to hurt a tiny bit, using your left hand to caress his face, thumb stroking under his eyes which causes Shu to smile - not the easygoing smile he always shows the world, but one filled with so much softness and love - you almost fear it could shatter at any moment.

Then there are the nights you've gotten used to.

The nights where the sorcerer feels like everything is too much. The world, his abilities, his past, his predicament - and how scary those aspects of him truly is. Even though he got thrown into the future at quite a young age and adapted really quick, there was still a part of him tucked away at the deepest corner of his brain that whispers to him.

"Your loved ones will surely suffer because of you."

And it's during those nights, when that tiny voice becomes too much for Shu that you find him like this, tucked away at a corner of your bedroom - far enough from you, but still close enough so that he can see that you're still there with him.

"Shu," you whisper, bending down to see if he's willing to look at you and yet the sorcerer before you flinches like you've burnt him, face still downcast and covered by hands.

He's wearing his gloves again.

"Why do you wear your gloves all the time, Shu?" you ask, "Isn't it awfully hot with the sun blazing down on us right now?" tilting your head to the side, you reach out towards his hand - not intending to take it off, but rather feel how warm his hands have gotten.

But your lover quickly hides his hands away from you, a sheepish smile grazing his lips, "It's... become a habit," he starts, glancing over at you to discern your expression, but choosing to look away when he starts to explain, "You know that most of my sorcery deals with curses, right? And the hands play a vital part in that - everything from drawing out the sigils, to manipulating the energy and even cursed objects," Shu mutters - "I didn't used to wear gloves when dealing with curses, because the after effects of curses shows itself in either the form of tempering with your mind or physical abnormalities in extreme cases, although that in itself is pretty rare," he adds on, turning to you to entertwine his fingers with your own, his usual smile looking a bit more somber than you would've liked, "But given how much these hands have brought misfortune to people, from my own timeline and to the one I am in now. I just feel like it's safer for you to see these pure white gloves instead of the hands of a cursed sorcerer."

"Shu," you try to call out once again, crawling a bit closer to your lovers hunched form and Shu just shakes his head, trying to curl up further within himself, "N-No, please don't come closer," he whispers, breath heavy: "I- I don't want to hurt you, the magic feels off again, I don't know what will happen if you touch me - just please."

Your heart stings a little, because you know that as much as Shu believes that you would get hurt from being too close to him right now, you also know nothing will happen. Because it's all in his mind - every thought and scenario painted in his head is all just a result from his own magic feeding into his negative emotions.

"... Shu, did you have a nightmare?" you ask in a whisper, inching a bit closer to the sorcerer.

He doesn't answer you, but that's all the clarification that you need.

So you crawl further towards him, but Shu is too aware of your presence that the moment he senses that you're nearing him he gets ready to bolt up from his corner. But before he can you're already in front of him wedged between his legs and hands cupping his cheeks, your thumb stroking the few tears that had gathered at the edge of his widened lilac hues.

"See?" you say with a smile, "Nothing happened when I touched you, and I'm also perfectly fine."

Shu hates the fact that as much as he hoped you would stay away and let him stay inside his own bubble of fear, he can feel himself relaxing with having you so close to him.

Without saying another word you lean in to press your lips against his, sliding your hands to his shoulder while making yourself comfortable on his lap. And it's at this point you slowly feel Shu relax, leaning in towards you.

But his hands never take place on your waist - a habit you are fully aware that the sorcerer does whenever you sit on his lap. Sighing into his mouth you move your hand from his shoulder to grab at his wrist, but before you can inch them towards you waist Shu abruptly pulls away, both from your touch and from your lips, "No-"

"You're not going to hurt me," you reassure, but Shu only shakes his head - a dry laugh escaping his lips, "We can't know that, I told you that it can go against me at any-"

"The first time you showed me how your abilities work was for when Luca asked for help tracking down a deserter from his group who had wrecked havoc on a neighbourhood to taint his name," you mutter, leaning away from Shu to sit before him and opting to insteead take a hold of one of his hands with both of yours "You found the deserter within 10 minutes with the information Luca took a week to prepare."

"The second time was when a group of people kept giving the street we live in a hard time - either by being loud, scaring the other elderly people here or just being a general nuisance," you start, slowly peeling off his white glove, peeking over at Shu to see him stare at you with a twisted expression but the fact that he doesn't yank his hands away says enough, "You didn't involve yourself until the day they started to become a nuisance to me," you say, the distant sound of the glove hitting the ground making Shu flinch, but you only caress his palm with a smile.

It's spotless, not a blemish or a scar on his hand, neither are his hands discolored from the amount of flames that surround it whenever Shu taps into it - It's normal.

"Power is neutral Shu," you utter, guiding his hands to cup your own cheeks, smiling reassuringly to your lover while leaning your cheek into his right trembling right hand, "It's the handler that decides whether or not to use that neutral power for evil or good," you say, once again leaning closer to Shu and wrapping your arms around his neck before continuing your words in a whisper. "Say all you want about your hands being used to curse people, but in all the years i've known and come to love you - these hands have done nothing, but protect and love me. would you still call this feeling of safety a curse then, Shu?"

The only answer you can hear from him is his breath hitching, to which your response is to nuzzle into his neck.

You don't know how many minutes pass, but eventually you feel his arms wrap around you tightly and his own face burying into your own neck while his whole body begins to shake because of his quiet sobs.

"I love you, " he chokes out, continuing to chant those 3 words repeatedly, his grip on your waist tightening with every passing word.

"I know," you remark with a chuckle, "I love you too, Shu."

And maybe it's because you've finally uprooted his inner fears and demons - but as Shu listened in on your steady breathing and feeling the warmth emanating from your body - he too, began to finally feel safe.

#luxiem #nijisanji #nijisanji en #nijisanji x reader #luxiem x reader #luxiem imagines #shu yamino #shu yamino x reader #HAHAAA I SWEAR I HAD SOMETHING GOING ON WITH THIS I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED MIDWAY THROUGH #BUT OH WELL HAVE THIS SOFT AND HURT SORCERER JUST WANTING HUGS AND PETS

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littlespoonevan · 1 year

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I've followed you for a while (for gallavich actually but your buddie fics convinced me to finally watch 911!) and we've always been of the same mind about the likelihood of buddie happening in canon. But after Buck fell asleep on Eddie's couch and now all of 6x13, I now feel like it's inevitable that the show IS actually going to make it explicitly romantic. How're you feeling about canon buddie these days?

ahh hey bud!!! i'm honoured i was able to convince you to watch the show lmao 🥰

okay i'm gonna try and organise my thoughts bc my brain has been going in a lot of different directions these past few weeks. so. i don't think i'll ever be able to confidently say buddie canon is happening until we get a very deliberate Moment with either buck or eddie where it's clear something has changed for one of them.

by that, i mean i need another 'just make sure you're following your heart, not christopher's' eddie-face-journey-esque moment where eddie looks at buck or buck looks at eddie and we know (and by we, i mean the whooooole general audience, not just the fandom) they're looking at each other differently

and it's not that i think everything that's happening right now isn't deliberate, it's more just that it's not quite confirmation in the overt sense for me???? particularly as far as them being attracted to each other etc. (i know they love each other, i know they're a family but are there feelings, y'know)

however

there has been a lot happening in the past two episodes that's been making me go 👀👀👀

firstly. the couch. that fucking couch metaphor has me by the thROAT and has done since 6x01. and genuinely i cannot explain the narrative of 6x12 as anything other than proof that eddie is the couch. like. i have an english degree. i legitimately analyse texts for a living and there is no other way to interpret this whole thing other than the idea that the couch that buck has been quietly searching for all season (which is repeatedly conflated with a romantic partner and happiness), is eddie.

buck wants to pick the right couch. margaret chooses for him but it's Not Right. buck goes to eddie's and falls asleep on his couch in seconds before opening up to him and effectively highlighting to us that his safe space is at eddie's house. it's just???????????

(also the fact that oliver said the other couch will be gone by the end of the season my mind is sPINNING)

next. the buckley-diaz family of it all in 6x13. i've said a few times this week that this ep felt like a speedrun season 3 (i'm also currently rewatching s3 which i think is why it's on my brain). as in, we have buddie and chris paired off while the other couples have their own plot. we did have that quite a bit in s4 and 5, don't get me wrong, but it was rarely something that wasn't tied to an overarching plot like the shooting and eddie's subsequent breakdown. whereas these were fun scenes just because. so we had the season 3 dynamic back but there was so much more weight to it because of all that's changed since then.

there are plenty of posts about it but their family unit was emphasised A Lot in 6x13. both in the scene with chris' homework and the baking for chris' class scene. like it's heavily established in this ep that whether it's at buck's place or eddie's, the three of them spend their days together. and not in an organised, 'let's have a movie night' kind of way. as in, they exist in the same space together the way any couple and their child would and that's so!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

also the baking for christopher's class scene literally dO NOT get me started i can't believe they did that askjdfhsa

on a smaller scale, buck and eddie's dynamic had a very Particular energy about it in the poker scene. i don't necessarily wanna say flirty bc i legit haven't rewatched since i first saw it tuesday morning when i was barely awake but there was a sort of tension there that i'm very interested in tbh bc i don't think we've seen that in a long time??? also i'm soooo suspicious of captain mehta's re-emergence and how arbitrary the whole poker thing was in the first place @ 911 i have questions!!!!

finally. i can't quite articulate this yet. but something about the episode titles is making me very askdhfs

mixed feelings. performance anxiety. lost and found. love is in the air. it's just. like, yes every episode title has multiple meanings but also every episode title has a level of suggestiveness that has me paying attention. lost and found bc of the tsunami connotations and chris asking buck in his dream if he can help him find his dad. and love is in the air bc it's giving me buck actually vibes and we all know i fully believe buck actually is where buck's story post-abby really begins and i will clutch at every romcom coded metaphor this show throws at me askjdh

TL;DR at this point i think we're going somewhere. like, i feel as though we're on the precipice of something and all it would take is one tiny moment to fully tip us over the edge. if and when that moment comes, i can't say for sure but gOD i'd love it if it did ✨

#anon #asks #911 related #season 6 speculation #long post #is this even coherent who can say lmao #listen i WANT TO BELIEVE but for the sake of my sanity i need to cling to one tiny shred of doubt

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borreloadsavagedragon · 1 year

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Chris, Kaito and Shark

omfg I had to do this on my laptop bc mobile tumblr is literally unusable in terms of copy and pasting anything

I tried read more-ing this but it wouldn't let me I'm so sorry if it's giant gdjsaklgjg CHRIS

favorite thing about them: he's hot. jk, not just that, I love that he's loyal, man will go DOWN for the people he cares about, family, friends, he's committed to his bonds, the duel with Mizael when he partners with Michael is so good

least favorite thing about them: as much as I love Chris, not a huge fan of how everything sort of got fixed with one duel, I have the same gripe with Thomas and Ryouga-

favorite line: good question jdsaklg, not sure the way he says "my life points" in the dub is kind of funny-

brOTP: vkai, I call them divorcees without being married because they had so much post divorce energy during the WDC but now they're going to be coworkers and chris also had to just watch kaito go off to the moon to fight a guy who said his dragon was bigger and die so he's taking the keys to the rocket the next time he sees him

OTP: what do you mean Kousei isn't in Zexal canon, yes he is, he's right there genuinely can't think of another pair for him from canon though, there's some dynamics I think could be interesting and have wips for but nothing like romantic

nOTP: romantic vkai.............. see kaito's below for details, it's more to do with him and how I think about kaito-

random headcanon: GEEK. NERD. CLOSET FANBOY. WOULD WEAR GRAPHIC TEES IF HE DIDN'T HAVE AN AESTHETIC. Take this man to see Kozmo films right now!!!!!

unpopular opinion: I don't think I have one outside of the ship preference gjdakl

song i associate with them: none omg, unless I REALLY fixate on a character, I don't usually have songs for them gjdklggd

favorite picture of them: he's very pretty, it's hard to choose one fjdsklg, anytime you can see him wiping hair hair around

KAITO

favorite thing about them: how dare you make me pick one thing when I'm already working on an analysis essay- Kaito's one of those characters to me where you look at them and feel like you've been EXPOSED by this show you're watching so picking one detail is hard I like how accurate he feels to me when it comes to how he's someone who's just so used to being burned by so many people, love how fiercely protective he gets when someone matters to him, love how petty and dramatic he can be too but literally NEVER owning up to it I love that he's straight forward that he's not a good person also, that he sold himself to the devil to do what had to be done and he's tainted, I'm just- He's so god damn good really also lives up to being lonely but absolutely genius

least favorite thing about them: nothing, he's perfect............... but I will beat him up if he continues to hide his physical health from everyone else around him and if he goes to the moon again, it's ok, your dragon is good too

favorite line: this is hard because he has so many good ones because he doesn't know how to talk to people hdskjlaj the only one I can honest to god remember at this very moment is "you're quite the romanticist" because who tf says that to another person

brOTP: Chris and Yuma both come to mind, Chris I've gone over above but Yuma, I love that Kaito's always just in awe of him, just imagining Kaito always picking him up by the scruff constantly

OTP: I have like four ships for Kaito that I rotate out in my brain a lot highkey, the only two I haven't written something for are Galaxymaster and Raven but coming soon, my google docs are INSANE right now I want everything with Mizael to be perfect because MizaKai's just... idk, I love it so god damn much, there is SO MUCH to the two of them, and Shun's just not a muse I'm suuuuper comfortable writing rn but we're trying, I love that Shun actually like... goes back for him, not a lot of people chase Kaito back but Shun immediately ponies up idk, Kaito's pension and insistence for being alone always makes me want to throw new people at him at all times though I LOVE going into depth on Challenge, not even romantically either, their rivalry is so good in that subtle way that they're two steps off from being the same person and it didn't get nearly enough time, shakes fist And the last one is EdoKai omg, Kaito speedrunning his enemies to lovers plot with Edo in Arc V is iconic, took one look at him in the safe house and was like "yeah, we could get married"

nOTP: sweats, vkai in romantic context So... I experience pretty strong RSD, which is rejection sensitivity dysphoria, and their entire friend/mentor breakup backstory sits super wrong with me because of that gdsjagilgdsa I don't want to go too far into details but it hits home Also not huge on Kaito and Vector at all-

random headcanon: I love writing him touch starved......... he's always fully clothed anytime he's near another person, probably from just being ditched or taken away from so many people, so letting someone close physically is a big step.

unpopular opinion: He solos. literally no rival matches him if you were to attempt to scale them in skill, I'm on this hill forever and you can't move me from it <3

song i associate with them: god I have a big playlist just for him gjdasklj, it's hard to pick just one so I gift just two - Hell's Comin' With Me / Poor Man's Poison - "I am the righteous hand of god and I am the devil that you forgot", perfect, glorious - I Don't Want To Be Here Anymore / Rise Against - just... chef's kiss

favorite picture of them: him jumping through the cockpit window of the blimp, it's my mobile banner and sometimes is my Twitter banner lmao

RYOUGA

favorite thing about them: ryouga is another character who just says and does shit with his whole chest and I honestly just love him for that, yes king, keep being stubborn, my cringefail bestie I love that he's just such a little edge lord and a wannabe bad boy but just fails at it gjdkaslj he can fight a whole gang by himself, but he'll do whatever his sister says, he's jumping off cliffs for someone who annoys him, god I love him

least favorite thing about them: ngl, I could complain for hours about how much I hate how him getting his memories of being Nasch was done, but it's also in character because Ryouga is SO UNBELIEVBABLY hot and cold about everything and everyone, love him but I also want to beat him UP

favorite line: god, Ryouga is such a tsundere so all I hear out of his mouth is "it's not like I don't like you or anything", I feel bad I haven't come up with any specific lines for any of them but they're all just dumb boys who can't talk

brOTP: Hellshark and whatever his pair with Durbe is called- Ryouga and Thomas being besties is so weird to me but also like, yeah bickering, kicking each other's asses to hell affectionately, good for them Durbe sweetie I'm so sorry but also you signed up for this

OTP: Sharkbait is up there, Challenge is proooobably my favorite though, like I said above, just love going over what could have been with their entire rivalry, the fact that Ryouga never got his grudge match with Kaito will haunt me forever, even though there's no universe where Ryouga wins jagklds

nOTP: deadass 99% of romantic pairs with Ryouga I'm not too huge on, I wouldn't say any of them are like NOTPs but idk, there's more I don't like or don't really think about than ones I actually do haha

random headcanon: ngl. I've got none I can think of right now gdjasg

unpopular opinion: he's not the rival. guy with a sister he'd do anything to help, former school bully who now practically throws his life away for the protagonist, temporary gang member, temporarily evilness Like his dueling is the first thing his sister saw when she came out of the hospital, just like someone else we know... list goes ON why he's the friend role I also,,, like his name more than his nickname, as you could tell I'm sure

song i associate with them: like what I said for Chris, unless I like FIXATE on a character, I have no songs for them, but I Am My Own Muse by Fall Out Boy comes to mind- Ryouga's playlist is inevitable

favorite picture of them: ANY WHERE HE'S JUST LIKE, FLAYING, he has so many shots of him just being blown over or on the ground, they're SO GOOD

#THANKS CONI #asks #answered #ted talks

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amazing-spiderling · 7 months

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would you rather: be friends with Peter Parker or Foggy?

make me choose: greek or italian food? and what would be your favorite meal of these (including dessert.)

ask me anything: top ships at the moment? three ships in previous fandoms? what is an art idea you've been pondering over but haven't attempted yet?

Peter Parker or Foggy Nelson:

AUugh. This is a tough one?! I think for either, we'd be able to bond over nerdy things, so as far as common ground goes, I think they're both on the same level. BUttttttttttttttttt, I can get pretty annoyed when people make a habit of flaking out on me. I know it's not Peter's fault, and like, I an be sympathetic, but if I was to imagine a scenario where I was friends with both, in the end, Foggy would be the one I'd hang out with more/call first. I bet he'd be keen to try weird new restaurants and good trucks with me.

Greek or Italian food:

Damn you really have to come for me like this??? On the one hand, I have been exploring more Mediterranean cuisine lately (and making things at home). I have been consuming frightening amounts of Labneh and recently learned how to make a pretty passable version of this dip from a restaurant in a town I used to live in, which makes for a great sharable dish. BUTttTTt I think I'd probably still have to go with Italian food. There are some dishes I rely on (risotto, braised shortribs, MEATBALLS) that I love too much. I've got to love my classic love over my hot new crush. XD

Top Ships?

I am a serial monoshipper. Not that I ever say goodbye to a ship- I'm always happy to see it crop up on my timeline, but it's hard for me to split my energy between two or more. So at the moment I have to say my brain is pretty much running on pure, unleaded Mattfoggy, but I do give a big smile to the Aziracrow and Spideypool that comes across my dash these days. And once in a while someone will share some Snake/Otacon and it's just too good and makes me feel feelings all over again.

Three Ships in Previous Fandoms:

I guess to make this a little more different, I dabbled in TF2 fandom for a hot minute- this falls squarely in the "love to see it on my dash" category. I did a little bit of art just for funsies and read a lot of fic, including struggling with auto translate on a never completed one originally written in Russian. I was happy to consume basically any combination of Spy, Scout and Sniper, especially after reading the iconic comic, "Cuanta Vida". I also had a soft spot for Tentaspy, particularly with Sniper. Kinda miss those days. That was a lovely fandom that seemed to be there for good times and good vibes.

Art Idea I haven't attempted yet:

I think I've low-key promised that I will one day write a Mattfoggy doujinshi but I'm going to have to develop about 700% more guts first, lol. I also really really want to do this Murderdock animatic to a JazzEmu short but who has the TIME?

#thank you for the ask #sorry these answers aren't terribly surprising lol

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raposarealm · 2 years

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Just saw the character questions you reblogged! I don't know who you've answered about in the past, but how about either Geo Stelar/Subaru Hoshikawa and/or Sonia Strumm/Misora Hibki? I'm almost positive you've probably answered about them already, but they're my favorite characters in Mega Man Star Force (Alongside Luna). Thank you for reading this, even if you don't respond!

YES ABSOLUTELY I WILL ANSWER

Also surprisingly nobody's sent in Subaru or Misora (or any Starforce characters, actually) yet.

Ok I'll do this in two, but first: Subaru because I will always, always be ecstatic to gush over him because he's my favourite. Also, this got super long so read more to save people’s dashes:

Why I like them

Oh god where to start. Literally me. he's literally me when I was a critically depressed hikkikomori kiddo floating in-between grades in high school. Right down to the space nerdiness. But, I digress.

First off, I don't see too many well-written representations of depression and trauma (or PTSD in this case, arguably,) in the media I consume or in general really, but the few that I do see tend to be the kinda 'Izusu Ren' archetype: gloomy, melancholic, tearful, and often self-harming or even suicidal (especially in Ren's case particularly.) This is accurate to some folks, yes! But, not so much to my experience with the illness. I'm not suicidal, I'm not self-harming, I'm not tearful and sad and mopey. And, neither is Subaru! He's not sad, he's angry, frustrated at the world in general and at himself specifically. He's self-deprecating, but also cynical and paranoid to the point of delusion. He's actively forcing himself to stay this way at the beginning of the first game (I'll ignore the anime for now,) because he's so terrified -- phobic, even -- of being abandoned or betrayed again, and it's just... easier to keep everyone away if you convince yourself that everyone's out to get you, or angry at you, or if you just see people as caricatures instead of, well, people. And that's so dead on the mark of how I act, it's almost creepy.

Subaru has no energy, no motivation, and that's what depression does to you, the 'depression' is the depresses energy, 'cause your brain's not producing enough serotonin, enough dopamine, and your nervous system isn't working right. But, all that paranoia and delusion ends up giving Subaru some pretty severe anxiety issues as well, which isn't really surprising given how often those two disorders overlap. He's not a classic textbook-example of depression, he's an amalgam of different disorders, all compounded by occurring in his early formative years! It's not really known if he had friends before Luna gang and Misora, but there's a good chance he didn't have any close ones -- which might have been why he was so close to Daigo, and why he couldn't physically move on from his death/disappearance for three whole years, until Warrock shows up and very literally drags him back into the world.

But Capcom didn't go full edge here, not at all, because once he's given a reason to keep moving, even one he might not have wanted at first, Subaru can't keep up the cynical façade anymore, he can't keep convincing himself he doesn't care about people, because he does, more than anything. I feel, Subaru kinda embodies the whole 'with great power comes great responsibility' line, y'know the one. He didn't choose to fight, he was forced to by the imminent crisis in the moment (either the out-of-control train in the game, or the derailed monorail car in the anime.) He didn't want to fight, he was scared, he straight up has a panic attack in the anime even; but, even if he didn't care particularly about the rest of the town, even if the classmates now dangling precariously over a hundred-plus-foot drop had previously left a bad taste in his mouth, these were still people, and therefore, he couldn't think of them as objects. There's a line he quotes in game 1 during the denpa-human attack that I've already made a whole post on, but I'll repeat it here again since it really sums up Subaru's true view on things: "Even if there was a sliver of a chance, it's better to do something." I compared it to a line said by Shinobu Akira in her story in Magia Record, "Inaction is Cowardice," and I feel that both lines also resemble a principle I strongly try to live by: Noblesse Oblige, or "Nobility Obliges," the ideal that people in power should help those who don't have it. (Or, as defined by the OED, "privilege entails responsibility.") Even if Subaru didn’t care particularly about anybody in danger, or otherwise, once he fully realized that, as Ryuusei, he now had the power to fight and protect others, he had a duty to do so. This was especially expanded upon in game 2, which, yes, joke all you want about the story, but I still feel that at least this part of the plot was handled really well.

Having Subaru break away from the ‘gung-ho warrior of justice’ archetype we tend to see in both shounen and magical girl genre series (fight me), or maybe even just from his predecessor Netto’s pure nosiness and naïve curiosity, let Subaru have a character arc that mirrored the arcs of the characters he fought, and eventually saved. He’s having to overcome his past, the way Misora and Luna were. He was having to overcome the cynicism that had come to be his shield, the same way Gonta was using his image as a cruel ‘tough-guy’ to hide his insecurity. He had to learn to place his trust his new-found friend(s), the same that Utagai had to learn that not everyone was out to get him (and frankly, both had to learn to trust Amachi specifically, ehe.) He had to learn to persevere through the right path, even when facing insurmountable odds, the way Ikuta had to learn to fight for what was truly important to him, consequences be damned. And don’t even get me started on Tsukasa and Hikaru. Hell, Subaru even had to re-learn to see people as individuals, and to place hope in them, the way Warrock had to do when encountering Daigo, and again through Subaru himself. Actually honestly the dynamic of those two is just, fantastic thank you. It kept his character from feeling stagnant, since he didn’t start at a good place, he had room to grow and improve -- but also room to dip back down again, to have impactful ‘darkest hours’, and just moments of true, well, mental illness.

And since the plot of the series is so heavily character-driven, Subaru ends up getting to the point where he chooses to keep going, to keep fighting and protecting others. He chooses to keep his own development going, into a true ‘shining star’ of hope for others. (Ok look I was trying to make a pun here, laugh, dammit.) And the hope others place in him ends up powering him in both a metaphorical sense, and in the very literal sense of the Brotherband. He’s only able to activate the Star Force when he vows to protect Luna no matter the cost. He’s only able to break free from the control of the OOPArt[s] through the force of his will to prevent harm from befalling those dear to him (once again Luna, I know.) And look I’m sure game 3 has an equivalent with whatever’s going on with the Noise Changes but I still haven’t finished it because D-pads are my enemy. He’s only able to be guided back home in the game 1 ending by the collective bond, the Brotherband, between him and his friends, even the ones who hadn’t formed a formal connection were still so dear to him that the connection became a literal path. ...Have I made it clear how much I love the Power of Friendship trope, because it’s literally The Best.

And maybe that’s the core of it all, Subaru as a character, and through that Ryuusei as both an alias and extension of the two characters that form it, embodies the power of friendship, of bonds, of hope so integrally, yet he’s not the annoyingly bubbly, over-optimistic protagonist that usually gets that type of theming -- he’s believable because he falters. He never gives up hope or faith, but he comes dangerously close, and he’s still prone to a whole load of self-doubt and deprecation that comes with being the one shouldering it all. Also, how did this end up turning into a Madoka theme analysis? Whoops. Basically, I like Subaru’s character theming in the same way I like Madoka’s character -- a realistic, but not dark or edgy, response to their situations, and a inseverable, if not unwavering, hope.

Why I don’t

Ok, usually I have an answer here, but... Nope. Subaru is literally my favorite okay, I don’t dislike really anything about him.

I will note that, for the anime’s writing of him in particular, some of the impact of his arc is lost by speeding up his ‘recovery’ from his depressed state. Actually, my problem there might be that the anime kind of implies that Subaru ends up defeating his mental issues permanently, with the only relapse shown in the middle of the season much more to do with active trauma (and some goading from Cygnus) than with anything more deep-seated. Here’s the thing: depression, anxiety, trauma (and resulting PTSD), any other illnesses/disorders you could argue Subaru to have... they’re treatable, they’re combatable... but they’re not curable. They don’t magically go away, they don’t even go away with all the work in the world. Mental disorders are the result of a physical deficiency and/or deformity in the mind, whether neurologically or chemically. And the source of that issue can’t be cured, because it’s a fundamental part of how your brain works. It’s like saying that an autistic person can’t be ‘cured’ of autism -- because it’s a fundamental issue with how our brains are wired to work.

The game doesn’t do this, fortunately, and instead does the opposite: it goes almost out of it’s way to show us how these illnesses and issues are still there, they’re still affecting Subaru and every way he functions. He’s never going to be ‘cured’ of his depression, trauma, anxiety, etc., but he still overcomes them the best he can -- and when he can’t, he’s got friends to pull him out of whatever funk’s got him this time. The anime kind of nerfs Luna gang into secondary characters a lot of the time (though arguably set up to be main during the short-lived and much better Tribes,) and while Misora is sort of set up to take their place, they take too long to fully let her and Subaru be actual friends instead of just teammates. Amachi and Utagai kind of fill in a little, but their adult status kinda makes them feel more like mentors and teammates more than proper friends. (Anime-ver. Amachi definitely feels like an older brother-esque figure to Subaru, at least. Utagai, well... he’s Utagai.) However, I wonder how much of this had to do with the show possibly just not having enough time to build things out at the pace they were moving.

Favorite episode (scene if movie)

Since I’ve mentioned both game and anime versions here, I’ll give one for both!

For the game, definitely the scene mentioned above from game 1, during the denpa-human attack on Kodamasho. This part of the game takes place directly after the culmination of the Libra arc, which ended in the school play, where Luna mistakes Subaru in a poorly-made costume for the actual Ryuusei (until Kizamaro fumbles his queue and blacks out the spotlight, which, having now worked with a manual spotlight, that’s not hard to do, give the kid a break he’s short.) Luna’s already starting to act on edge around Subaru at this point, since A) she’s not sure who she saw in that moment, but she can’t shake the suspicion that Subaru and Ryuusei are connected somehow, and B) her puppy crush on Ryuusei has started to evolve into a much more tangible crush, but on Subaru instead, so she’s frazzled and it doesn’t take much for her to start going off the deep end panicking when she, well, witnesses her two closest friends turn into some sort of pink floating monstrosity right in front of her. Her clinging on to Subaru instinctively helps cement Subaru into the rare leader role, and we get to see him act under pressure, in civilian form, with a panicked friend in tow. The line mentioned above is given in this part, where after tactically traversing the school grounds for an exit, Subaru realizes he’s definitely gonna have to fight his way out of this one, and accepts this all on his own, no prodding from Warrock, no complaining or cowering, he immediately moves to thinking of how to protect Luna who’s still clinging to him like a lost puppy. So, rare Cool Subaru, a not-so-rare flustered and panicked Luna (which helped to transition into her arc in the next part,) solid character growth on both parties, and my favorite line of all time.

As for the anime, I’d say I’m split between three. The first scene being Subaru and Warrock’s first meeting. It’s so drastically different from the game’s version, but I sort of liked having them get a chance to properly meet before chaos ensued. It’s rather comical, so it sets up the ensuing gravity of the fight to come in the next episode.

The second scene, the Ryuusei vs. Harp Note fight. Note (ehe) that in the anime, Misora was unconscious during this fight, and her arousal signaled the end of the skirmish. As a result, Harp was in complete control of Misora’s body, and that led to a much more dangerous opponent than what Harp Note would be later on with Misora conscious. This fight had a surprisingly little amount of dialogue, given what’s normal for the rest of the series, and animation-wise, you could tell that lead storyboarder Shingo Adachi had his hand in this one, it’s one of the best in the season. Subaru demonstrates real efficiency and skill with the battle card system, as well as the high agility and speed he becomes known for throughout the series. The best part, though, being one of Harp’s lines before the fight -- in response to her rhetorically questioning whether her adversary was Warrock in henkan, he effectively tells her to shush and go back home... and then Subaru responds separately as Ryuusei, with much more dignified dialogue of course. Harp responds bewilderedly asking if Warrock’s host was actually conscious, cementing how rare a team such as the two of them working together was. It’s an early indication of both Warrock’s unique nature among the denpa, as well as showing how in-sync (or maybe in-synchro, this is the same studio after all,) the two are.

The third scene, Subaru returning after the encounter with the Satella Admins to rescue Warrock. Given everything that had happened between the two at this point, Subaru’s decision to throw his wariness and anger of Warrock out the window to save and reunite with him, first, is obviously a really good Power of Friendship scene, which is just the best. But, secondly, it shows more character growth on Subaru, and a lot of it all at once. Warning for spoilers, but Warrock had been accused of being Daigo’s murderer, but in the end, Subaru decided that there wasn’t any way that could be true, that this person that he’d come to know so well just wasn’t betraying him. Finally embracing gut instinct and a blind faith in a friend sets Subaru on the upswing of his arc in this season, and helps to bolster Warrock’s character as well. (The premiere usage of the Star Break coming in the scene after this makes it even better.)

Favorite season/movie

For games, game 1 is my favourite game of all-time now. Like, it’s displaced Drawn to Life, the namesake for this blog even. For the anime, Tribes was better than season 1, ridiculous Gainax ending aside. I just know that if they’d had more time/episodes, it would’ve far eclipsed the source material of game 2.

Favorite line

Already answered above: “Even if it was a sliver of a chance, it’s better to do something.” (I know Daigo said it first but shush)

Favorite outfit

I mean, he wears the same thing pretty much all the time? But, I do like his normal civilan wear, and good ol’ Ryuusei also looks real neat. (Also the concept art outfit from the cancelled game 4 is actually awesome and also the only good thing we got out of that.)

OTP

Look, honestly, Subaru’s kind of shippable with any of the main adolescent cast, but also, I don’t strongly ship him with anybody really. But I guess if I had to pick a pair, Subaru/Tsukasa. Also, Subaru/Kizamaro of all things works... better than it should.

Brotp

Subaru/Gonta and Subaru/Misora! (Or better yet, all three of them as the game 3′s terrific trio!)

Head Canon

He learns to knit because Akane suggested it a bunch of times (she’s canonically said to knit in game 2,) and even though Kodama’s too warm for winter wear, any time he ends up somewhere actually cold, he has a scarf that Akane knitted for him earlier on.

Also, for a decidedly less cute one: since in-game, Subaru would die if Ryuusei did, I assume damage taken in henkan carries over to his civilian form. Thus, I imagine after months of fighting, he’s developed some fairly impressive scars, mostly on the limbs and back from near-misses and being surprise attacked. He usually wears long clothing as shown in canon, so they’re not visible normally, but during Phys Ed and other points where he would have more skin showing, he covers the scarring with a makeup concealer (probably found at like, the local drug store or something.) This would apply to Misora, too.

Unpopular opinion

Y’know, I don’t think I have one of these this time.

A wish

Let him continue to stay with the friends he’s grown so close to.

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen

Capcom, don’t you dare pull out that cancelled game 4 ‘edge rebellious teenage phase’ Subaru y’all implied. I. Will. Fight. You.

5 words to best describe them

Stubborn, Resilient, DEPRESSED, Anxious, Determined.

My nickname for them

I affectionately call him ‘my boy’ because he’s my favourite and therefore my boy; I also call him ‘Mohawk’ (though I also call Kill La Kill’s Kinagase the same thing and that made for a confusing summer 2017) and also ‘Cockatiel’ because everyone else like to joke about that.

WOW THIS GOT LONG it also took me like three hours so sorry Crystal

Gonna get to Misora next, because I can’t not gush over her too

#THIS IS VERY LONG #because you can't ask me to write about subaru and not expect a full-on thesis #oh also to be clear: i love ren and i think she's written well!#she's just not as relatable #closest magireco has would be either shizuku or rena i guess #ryuusei no rockman #crystalmemoria #hoshikawa subaru #rapo answers #ask meme #whoops forgot english tag #megaman starforce

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transmalewife · 2 years

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like i get where "laziness does not exist" and "what you're doing is already your best" is coming from, it's a good way to make parents and teachers etc empathise with the people they think are just useless, but at some point i think it begins to feel... infantilizing, and can actually make it harder to explain real conditions like executive dysfunction or chronic fatigue to those who don't experience them.

because anyone with adhd has heard at least once that "everyone feels like that sometimes. everyone procrastinates and forgets deadlines, you need to just get your shit together, stop looking for excuses and not medicalize your problems." and I see people countering that with "actually no one is ever lazy, they're all just dealing with some other insurmountable stuff in their life" and that prompts the obvious answer of "well, I have been lazy before" which then requires you to explain someone's own life to them to argue against it, which is both impossible and a dick move

But the truth is. laziness does exist. I've got chronic fatigue, chronic pain, I've got adhd and i've had some pretty unpleasant external life stuff killing my motivation. I know what all of those feel like, and yet sometimes i'm still just lazy. sometimes i sit in a haze of executive dysfunction, starving because i can't force myself to make food. sometimes i lay in bed for hours staring at a wall because my limbs feel to tired and heavy to move and my brain is so foggy i couldn't understand a word if i tried to read or watch something. sometimes i try so hard to do some work but my heart is beating so fast from stress because of a crisis of my life i can barely breathe. sometimes i choose to harness my hyperfocus to clean instead of study bc i know otherwise i won't do anything

but although sometimes i just spend a day in bed because i need the rest, sometimes I do the same for absolutely no reason. sometimes stressing before an exam makes it impossible to study for it, and sometimes going to a party the day before does the same. sometimes i let my dishes rot in the sink because my back hurts too much to stand to wash them, sometimes it's because i just don't want to do them.

I don't really know what the conclusion to this is, other than like. things are never that simple. it's easy to counter "you're just lazy" with "actually, no one is ever lazy," but it's just not true. your experience is not universal, and if you're being honest with yourself, you can probably pinpoint a few moments where you were being lazy. and that's not a bad thing! it's a privilege to be lazy. It's a privilege to not have to dedicate every ounce of energy you get in a week to keeping your life from falling apart. it's lovely to be able to choose to do nothing, and sometimes you should! laying all day in bed because you desperately need the rest is not treating yourself. laying all day in bed occasionally because you can, is. and being able to tell which is happening at any given moment makes you more in tune with your body and helps you track your symptoms and changing needs for rest and leisure

and viewing every single part of your existence exclusively through a medical lens is honestly just a depressing way to live. the point of healing, getting medical help and learning healthier coping mechanisms is to break out of the chokehold your disabilities have on you and be able to make a choice of where you use your energy. if everything you’re doing isn’t already a week late and urgent, you get to choose when to rest and when to push yourself. when to do your best and when to consciously aim lower.

#mine.#adhd

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lozmastermm · 10 months

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Really I think the worst part of living and being broken since birth, but choosing to, in an infinitely shrinking perception of existence, be the best person I can, finding every philosophy, outlook, religion, whatever I had energy for, and be able to form genuine connections with people, but only specific people:

And slowly, but certainly, finding out you may be the only one who truly cares. At least as much, at least as far, and at least as one in their states can manage.

Idunno, realistically I'm probably wrong, but another part of me knows that I've set my standards to a height no one can match or fit with me.

All that to say: everyday dying certainly sounds funner than existing in a broken state, inside a state that has bottom of the barrel health everything everywhere.

The world is just terrible. Honestly. The little fragments of joy aren't enough, everything is an addiction and life stopped being anything but a rich's plaything and the masses are genuinely too retarded and accepting to do anything.

The most I can possibly derive from life is being able to be a good person for someone. And when your ability to is diminished by failing mental health and worsening economies, when my ability to even be peaceful for moments, when I simply can't be Baseline "Okay"

Well, it's kinda a waste of time innit? It amounted to nothing but fun experiences in a total hellscape everyone is dedicated to keeping as shitty as possible for someone because their dick is small.

I gave people reasons to live and they boiled down to nothing. Incapable. That's existence. Nothing is possible, every possible roadblock will be thrown, your life is not just worthless it's meaningless. Apply meaning and someone will take it away. Every. Single. Time.

So, really, all this is truly to say this: I fucking hate humanity. Of all species we are just fucking callously worthless. An actual parasite of beligerants.

The handful of people who try are fucking massacred by everyone because no one thinks past an emotional none. How the Fuck was I smarter and more capable at 13 when people even now are less capable than babies? That's not a brag it's a fucking cry for help. Do better for fucks sake.

You think there's any pride in having hit the innevitable wall to climb before I was an adult, when no other adults had even started or attempted any intellectualism? It's horrifying. That so many of you, are this lead-filled.

I have an excuse to stop climbing walls, my brain is damaged as shit, ya'll just drink yourselves half to death in an attempt to feel anything but stupid.

All it takes is patience and empathy. I'm willing to say more than half of humanity are utterly without. We don't solve gun problems because it solves the mental health crisis and a buncha other capitalist induced shir, in that nobody gives a shit to fix the problems that lead to gun problems because we genuinely as a species fucking love killing people even children.

I tried growing up just thinking, man, people will be smarter, it's only a small bunch, we live in peaceful times. Good, or truth, triumphs.

Nah. We live in a dystopic hell that's just too lazy to go full blast yet. Ya'll idiots are why the rich don't want to help, I wouldn't, fuck ya'll idiots you ain't worth it, you're killing your own class but yelling at them. Utterly pathetic weak willed shit.

Do better than 13 year old me and I'll have some respect for you, til then, I don't respect a species unwilling to *try* and beat the 13 year old's interpretation of the world. Because my god, it wouldn't be hard, you'd simply have to try. And that's the worst part of being worse than a 13 year old, the single, crucial difference between one loser loner 13yo and most of humanity, was integrity/standards.

All I did was give a shit about myself, sooooley for the benefit of others. And ya still, even now, don't try.

Why did I even waste my time? I have standards for myself, and they're high, but realistically, low, ya'll just set the bar so fucking low my own are simply high in comparison. Again, it's not ego, I'm simply dumbfounded every day since 16 how far I was ahead of most life on the planet just 3 years ago. And then again in 6 years, 9, my god.

So, here's my life advice: Fuck you. Die. Don't try. Nothing is worth it. Everything is on fire so why put any of it out.

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ericathefae · 1 year

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I'm so done with this shit - something's got to change. I'm tired of waisting my life away, waiting until I'm "okay" enough to pick myself up and actually do anything. Tired of never achieving even a shred of what I set out to do, even when I try to be kind and gentle with myself and realistic. I'm tired of feeling like I have no control, no input over my life and what this fleshy sack of bones decides to do with it (mostly nothing). I'm so done with being me.

So, let's pressure test this cooker (ehm, what? Ignore it, please).

I got to bed late, but I still woke up around 8:40 and got out of bed the moment I felt awake (instead of turning over on the other side like I normally do). Opened my curtains, made my bed, turned on the heat because winter. Usually, I would then sit in this chair (the only place I realisticly have to sit) for hours, just finding my equilibrium, checking different sites on my phone, watching youtube on my computer, just trying to be okay. Like a game of Ludo, where you have to roll the exact right number to get your token into the end goal, I'm sitting there hoping just another minute of scrolling, just another video, will lign up everything perfectly, as if suddenly I'll feel motivated and energetic while all my barriers drop away if only I eat another piece of chocolate. As if happiness is on the other end of yet another completed granny square.

I have an inkling that's not actually true. Because I've tried this, day after day, for weeks, months, years... I still feel like a failure of a human being. I'm so close to utterly destroying my future by not working on this fucking thesis (I'm on my third and vey last attempt), but feel no sense of urgency (beyond oh, fuck, what do I do?! Hello anxiety). This waiting clearly ain't doing me any good, but how the heck can I get myself to do anything when I'm not okay? The answer might very well be to "just do it", but how?

That's what I'm testing today. If I deliberately change my attitude, my expectation of how I function, will that change anything?

So, if I were a "normal" and productive human being, this is what I would expect to get done today:

Make this list [completed 10:10, about half an hour later than expected]

Make a simple sandwich (because I'm hungry) [made two, practically counts as lunch]

Clean kitchen (it's not too bad yet, so it would be sensible to do while I'm already out there) [done at 10:42]

Choose and watch 1 youtube video! (while I eat my breakfast - I expect that will be done around 10:45) [11:20, not too bad considering]

Start a timer for two hours in Forest (thesis) [11:36 - feeling anxious, apprehensive, but trying to ignore it and just soldier through]

Write out the imediate tasks I need to do and put them on my corkboard [fairly easy]

Take book (Moden 1890-1920) and start reading [found it difficult to maintain focus, got bored, checked the time a lot, but persevered (because I had to, I can't fail in this, not something so fucking simple)]

Put everything usuable into the document approximately where it belongs [13:40, didn't get to writing anything but jotting down notes]

Begin writing (I've split my thesis into eight smaller assignments to try and trick my brain into disassociating from the overwhelm) [MOVED to TOMORROW]

Get out of chair, go down with trash (it's about time) [14:10, feeling grumpy, made a cup of tea]

Take a break (crochet and youtube, approx. 45 min.) [15:00, only watched two videos which I'm quite proud of, having quite low energy though (not having slept all that much certainly doesn't help)]

Set another timer for two hours [15:09, don't wanna work...]

Continue thesis work (reading and writing simultaneously) [17:13, chose to read a part of the book that I don't really need, but that demanded the least amount of brain power, also daydreamed a bit there in the middle while the daylight was fading, no writing was done]

Call it quit (expecting to be done around 16:00) [more like 17:20 < how did half an hour's delay turn into almost one and a half hour?!]

Prepare dinner (put ham in oven, set out the other ingredients) [18:04, took a phone break prior, is gonna peel potatoes now instead of what I planned, 'cause my brain is mush]

Use the cooking time to work on photography (my hobby, or it would be if I got around to working on my images regularly)

Choose a folder and sort photos (delete the nah ones)

Edit a couple of them

Make a final decision about where to post them (tumblr, insta, twitter?) and under what name (this is something I've spend a lot of time thinking about, but I change my mind all the time)

Upload [all MOVED to UNKNOWN right now]

Peel potatoes, cook 'em, cut out meat when done, heat up sauce [ready to eat at 20:16]

Eat dinner (be proud of having cooked a proper meal - and finally using these ingredients (it's been a while since I bought the stuff for this)) [it turned out pretty good, definitely in a better mood now]

Watch whatever the ef I want, for as long as I want [watched a lot of Baumgartner Restoration]

Check in when I eventually get bored, make a deliberate decision about what to do then (instead of getting lost in an endless media consumption cycle), continue list [21:24, the answer is nothing, I will no absolutely nothing but breathe, eat chocolate, maybe crochet som more, and probably read fanfiction before bed...]

I will comment on how this goes throught the day, what challenges I run into and what I'll do to try and overcome them. Wish me luck.

System notes: - seperate decision making from action (by writing a detailed list) - retain sense of choice (freedom) by doing so the morning of (not the day or week before) - include all relevant steps (to avoid overwhelm and decision paralysis) - add time stamps (to provide a gentle sense of urgency and hopefully limit mindless media consumption during the day) - physical tiredness trumphs any threads of willpower - mental work is more taxing than you anticipate - even a little work is better than no work [repeat]

In conclusion: I think this kinda worked? I've certainly got far more done today than I have in the last five days combined. I'm gonna try this approach again tomorrow - hopefully it's sustainable and won't end up with me burning out too soon.

#neurodivergence #autism #executive dysfunction #autistic inertia #this fucking sucks #experiment #thursday #to do today #alliteration #in the previous tags that is #this post has nothing to do with stylistic litterary devices

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baregil · 1 year

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processing my grief, 8 months later

brain's been itching a lot and i've found myself doing nothing for hours late at night during my off-days so i suppose i should try to manifest a semblance of productivity by writing about how things are in my life as they happen.

since i moved out, i've unpacked a lot of emotional baggage ranging from my earliest childhood disappointments to all the emotional maneuvering i'd had to do on my own as an adolescent just to get by and prevent myself from ceasing to exist (there were several attempts). it was nice to be able to unload all that with someone i trust and love (i would later do this with my cousins, which was also a nice give-and-take experience).

the peace that came with finally getting away from that still-living stormcloud was something i never thought i could experience, and it felt liberating.

this newfound high was a a little bit of a fake-out, i'd later realize, because the more i reveled in my solitude, the worse things got back home.

my parents had a tumultuous relationship. i would learn to pick sides every now and then, not fully understanding who was in the wrong. they fought a lot in every way you could imagine (if you factor out extreme violence, but there was still some there), and they would sometimes make me and my brother choose who to support.

the thing is, i never thought i was close with either of my parents. somewhere down the line, i just stopped trusting them to understand or be interested in anything deeper than what i showed to the world. i would learn, much later, that it was because i grew up with this knife pointed at my back, and acting outside of their expectations would hurt me. i was constantly afraid of what other people would say (i still am), how other people would treat them, and how they would treat me in return. it was always them and other people, them and other people, with no space left for me to express how i felt.

anyway, at the time, i developed a kind of indifference towards them, despite still actively seeking their help with the tedium of late high school and through the entirety of college. the fighting got worse and worse until it just got exhausting for my dad and he just started refusing to speak. even then, it still got worse.

as of this moment, i can confidently say that i was closer to my dad than i am to my mom. unfortunately, my dad's gone now, so that realization came way too late.

before my dad's passing, i often convinced myself that i hated both my parents. it was such a toxic household it was difficult to see anything positive about it. the energy of our home was so suffocating, it was easy to heave and just blame both of them for their own problems. they were kind of a package deal to me emotionally.

it was only when my dad passed that i got to really think about the times he tried. a few of my relatives would also tell me this. see, my dad kept to himself a lot. it's a dumb machismo thing that dads typically do and it annoyed the hell out of me because that kind of behavior robbed me of a healthy relationship with at least one of my parents. my dad generally despaired over a lot of things in my life, i know this to be true. he was the only father in his friend group who had a queer son (well, two), and i was deliberately shattering everyone's expectations when i turned 20, so he had absolutely nothing to talk about that would be of any interest to his friends. again, this problem stemmed from worrying more about what others thought and less about me.

going back to him trying, there were small attempts to be a dad to me. he'd offer to drive me to school/work, when i started collecting action figures he would ask a few things about them, and he'd sometimes fix some faults in my bedroom so i could sleep better. a lot of that flew past me because of the problems he had with my mom. man, the worst thing i had done to him was pick my mom's side without any hesitation when she came to me a wreck about his behavior towards something i choose not to specify.

anyway, this happened fairly recently, and it broke him. i would learn after his passing that when i moved out, he thought it was because of him. he thought i hated him so much i decided to leave. of course that was false. while i did leave because i wanted to experience peace, i didn't do it specifically because i hated him.

so that was a long fucking walk, and i apologize for the length i had written just to get to my point.

last night i experienced the end of god of war: ragnarok, and a certain dream sequence struck me like lightning. one of the main themes of the game was about preparing for death, and preparing for the grief that would come after it. it was said that to grieve deeply is to have loved fully, and that was it for me. eight months after my dad passed away, i was finally able to process the grief i was never able to grasp back then. it also hurt like hell.

i didn't get to say goodbye to my dad. though we got to talk a day prior, he passed away while i was asleep. i still feel so much guilt over that, although i convinced myself being able to talk to him the day before would have been enough, it really didn't feel true.

my dad died thinking i hated him, and the entire time i was away from home, i would later learn that he grieved. and it took a video game to make me realize what that meant to both of us.

this is my grief: knowing too late that i was loved deeply. constantly. not in the best kind of way, but in a way that would have been enough. words cannot express how sorry i am to have been unable to tell my dad how much i appreciated him and his cumulation of little gestures throughout our time together. how much i appreciated him trying, and how much that meant to me. it's too late to reassure him, and every time i say to the wind that i loved him, the wind would bite back with the uncertainty that he would hear me.

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thebibliosphere · 3 years

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So I'm currently unemployed because I got fired for taking too much sick leave (it was legally sketchy blah blah blah but in the end I just can't work and take care of myself and investigate my mystery health problems at the same time). So I've been spending more time writing!

I really admire your writing and loved Hunger Pangs. I'm looking forward to the poly elements developing and I'm wondering if you have any advice for writing about poly. I've made one of my projects a snarky take on "write what you know" ... Apparently what I know is southern gothic meets Pacific northwest gothic, chronic illness pandemic surrealism, and falling back-asswards into threesomes.

I know this is a very open-ended question and I don't expect an answer, I'm just curious about it if you have the energy. As a writer, trying to write honestly / realistically about polyamory/enm, I'm curious if you have any thoughts on what's different about portraying monogamy or nonmonogamy in books, romance or erotica or otherwise.

I'm trying to read examples but it's hard to find examples that fit the niche I'm looking at. Excuse me if this question is nonsense, it's the cluster headaches.

I'm sorry to hear you've been dealing with all that and solidarity on the cluster headaches. But I'm glad you're finding an outlet through writing! And I hope you're happy with an open-ended ramble in response because oh boy, there's a lot I could talk about and I could probably do a better job of answering this sort of thing with more specific questions, but let's see where we end up.

There's definitely a big difference between writing polyamory/ENM (ethical non-monogamy) and what people often expect from monogamous love stories.

Just even from a purely sales and marketing standpoint, the moment you write anything polyamorous (or even just straight up LGBTQIA+ without the ENM) you're going to get considered closer to being erotica/obscene than hetero romances. It's an unfair bias, but it's one that exists in our society. But also the Amazon algorithm and their shitty, shitty human censors. Especially the ones that work the weekends. (Talking to you, Carlos 🖕.)

So not only do you start out hyper-aware that you're writing something that is highly stigmatized or fetishized (at least I'm hyper-aware) but that you are also writing for a niche market that is starving for positive content because the content that exists is either limited, not what they want, or is problematic in some fashion i.e. highly stigmatized or fetishy. And even then, the wants, desires, and expectations of the community you're writing for are complex and wildly varied and hard to fit into an easy formula.

When writing monogamous love stories, there is a set expectation that’s really hard to fuck up once you know it. X person meets Y. Attraction happens, followed by some sort of minor conflict/resolution. Other plot may happen. A greater catalyst involving personal growth for both parties (hopefully) happens. Follow the equation to its ultimate resolution and achieve Happily Ever After.

But writing ENM is... a lot more difficult, if only because of the pure scope of possibilities. You could try to follow the same equation and shove three (or more) people into it, but it rarely works well. Usually because if you’re doing it right, you won’t have enough room in a single character arc to allow for enough growth, and if ENM requires anything in abundance, it’s room to grow.

And this post is huge so I’m going to put the rest under a cut :)

There's also a common refrain in certain online polyam/ENM circles that triads and throuples are overrepresented in media and they may be right to some extent. Personally, I believe the issue isn't that triads and throuples are overrepresented, but that there is such minuscule positive rep of ethical non-monogamy in general, that the few tiny instances we have of triads in media make it seem like it's "everywhere" when in actuality, it's still quite rare and the media we do have often veers into Unicorn Hunter fetish porn. Which is its own problematic thing. And just to be clear, I’m not including this part to dissuade you from writing "falling back-asswards into threesomes." If anything, I need more of it and would hook it directly into my brain if I could. I'm just throwing it out there into the void in the hope that someone will take the thought and run with it, lol.

I’d love to see more polyfidelitous rep in fiction, just as much as I’d like to see more relationship anarchy too. More diversity in fiction is always good.

Another thing that differs in writing ENM romance vs conventional monogamy is the feeling like you need to justify yourself. There's a lot of pressure to be as healthy and non-problematic as possible because you are being held to a higher standard of criticism. Both from people from without the ENM communities, and from the people within. Granted, some people don't give a shit and just want to read some fantastic porn (valid) but there are those who will cheerfully read Fifty Shades of Bullshit and call it "spicy" and "romantic," then turn around and call the most tooth-rottingly-sweet-fluff about a queer platonic polycule heresy. That's just the way the world works.

(Pro-tip for author life in general: never read your own reviews; that way madness lies. I glimpsed one the other day that tagged Hunger Pangs as “ethical cheating” and just about had an aneurism.)

And while that feeling of needing to justify yourself comes from a valid place of being excluded from the table of socially accepted norms, it can also be to the detriment of both the story and the subject matter at hand. I've seen some authors bend so far over backward to avoid being problematic in their portrayal of ENM, they end up being problematic for entirely different reasons. Usually because they give such a skewed, rose-tinted perspective of how things work, it ends up coming off as well... a bit culty and obnoxious tbh.

“Look how enlightened we are, freed from the trappings of monogamy and jealousy! We’re all so honest and perfect and happy!”

Yeah, uhu, sure Jan. Except here’s the thing, not all jealousy is bad. How you act on it can be, but jealousy itself is an important tool in the junk drawer that is the range of human emotion. It can clue us in to when we’re feeling sad or neglected, which in turn means we should figure out why we’re feeling those things. Sometimes it’s because brains are just like that and anxiety is a thing. Other times it’s because our needs are actually being neglected and we are in an unhealthy situation we need to remedy. You gotta put the work in to figure it out. Which is the same as any style of relationship, whether it’s mono, polyam or whatever flavor of ENM you subscribe to* And sometimes you just gotta be messy, because that’s how humans are. Being afraid to show that mess makes it a dishonest portrayal, and it also robs you of some great cannon fodder for character development.

Which brings me in a roundabout way to my current pet peeve in how certain writers take monogamous ideals and apply them to ENM, sometimes without even realizing it. The “Find the Right Person and Settle Down” trope.

Often, in this case, ENM or polyamory is treated as a phase. Something you mature out of with age or until you meet “The One(tm).” This is, of course, an attempt to follow the mono style formula expected in most romances. And while it might appeal to many readers, it’s uh, actually quite insulting.

To give an example, I am currently seeing this a lot in the Witcher fandom.

Fanon Netflix!Jaskier is everyone's favorite ethical slut until he meets Geralt then woops, wouldn’t you know, he just needed to find The One(tm). Suddenly, all his other sexual and romantic exploits or attractions mean nothing to him. Let's watch as he throws away a core aspect of his personality in favor of a man.

Yeah... that sure showed those societal norms...

If I were being generous, I’d say it’s a poor attempt at showing New Relationship Euphoria and how wrapped up people can become in new relationships. But honestly, it’s monogamous bias eking its way in to validate how special and unique the relationship is. Because sometimes people really can’t think of any other way to show how important and valid a relationship is without defining it in terms of exclusivity. Which is a fundamental misunderstanding of how ENM works for a lot of people and invalidates a lot of loving, serious and long-term relationships.

This is not to say that some polyam/poly-leaning people can't be happy in monogamous relationships! I am! (I consider myself ambiamorous. I'm happy with either monogamy or polyamory, it really just depends on the relationship(s) I’m in.) But I also don't regard my relationship with a mono partner as "settling down" or "growing up." It's just a choice I made to be with a person I love, and it's a valid one. Just like choosing to never close yourself off to multiple relationships is valid. And I wish more people realized that, or rather, I wish the people writing these things knew that :P

Anyway, I think I’ve rambled enough. I hope this collection of incoherent thoughts actually makes some sense and might be useful.

----

*A good resource book that doesn't pull any punches in this regard is Polysecure by Jessica Fern. It's a wonderfully insightful read that explores the messier side of consensual non-monogamy, especially with how it can be affected by trauma or inter-relationship conflicts. But it also shows how to take better steps toward healthy, ethical non-monogamy (a far better job than More Than Two**) and conflict resolution, making it a valuable resource both for someone who is a part of this relationship style***, but also for writers on the outside looking in who might have a very simple or misguided idea of what conflict within polyam/ENM relationships might look like, vs traditional monogamous ones.

** The author of More Than Two has been accused of multiple accounts of abuse within the polyamorous community, with many of his coauthors having spoken out about the gaslighting and emotional and psychological damage they experienced while in a relationship with him. A lot of their stories are documented here: https://www.itrippedonthepolystair.com/ (warning: it is not light material and deals with issues of abuse, gaslighting, and a whole other plethora of Yikes.) While some people still find More Than Two helpful reading, there are now, thankfully, much, much better resources out there.

*** Some people consider polyam/ENM to be part of their identity or orientation, while others view it as a relationship style.It largely depends on the individual.

#long post #writing #ethical non-monogamy #relationship styles #relationship models in fiction #also that kindle link is an affiliate link #because fuck giving amazon free recs

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hedgethemaze · 2 years

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4, 8, 23, 25

4. Favorite animal? I could easily just put him as the answer, I mean

Appa is the best, I don't think I even need to explain this. But the question doesn't especify from which show so...

Naga not only is my favorite animal exclusive to LOK, she's also the mix of two of my favorite real life animals.

8. Favorite battle? Tough choice!

Both series excel in the fighting department, so in order to not hurt my brain thinking too much (at least for ATLA) I'm gonna go with the fight I think is one of the most fun to watch and that has to be Toph vs all 7 Earth Rumble VI fighters from her debut episode "The Blind Bandit".

I've never been into WWE, except when done in animation and by shows I like, and what a spectacle it is to see Toph face The Boulder & Co. and handing their a$$es to them while sending them flying out of the arena in a flawless victory. It's a real blast!

Favorite battle in LOK: I would say is Korra vs. Kuvira in the series’ finale. Not only is her rematch against the great uniter but this fight represents Korra's true comeback. She may not be the Avatar she was before her battle with Zaheer, but she's overcome the worst of it and now she's stronger than ever.

Aftar everything she's gone through, there's something amazing about the display of her fighting and bending habilities during this fight. She's come a long way and it shows! And while the battle gets interrupted because of the giant mecha exploding, I belive that had they continued the fight outside the metal box, Korra would've had a bigger advantage - and that’s not mentioning the Avatar State, which she only used to protect Kuvira from an energy beam equal to a nuclear explotion that would've easily obliterated her had it not been for Korra's power and skill.

23. Favorite Korra moment? O.O Boy, and I thought 29 was hard to answer. C’mon, I LOVE Korra and watching her do anything, really. Any moment she’s on screen, or page (as long as she’s not suffering in any way, kind or form), is my favorite Korra moment <3

That said, for the sake of the question, I’m gonna have to choose...

Her reunion with Asami in, well, “Reunion” lol

I think we’re all well aware what this moment meant to Asami, who was already in love with Korra at the time (I will die on that hill). But to the Avatar, while not given the proper time to fully let it sink in, I like to think this is the moment where she no longer doubts her romantic feelings for Asami are no illusion or mistake and that she's, in fact, crushing on her best friend 😊

Not to mention, that look she gives Asami after the hug is such a soft and happy expression, it literally melts my heart! Every. Single. Time.

25. Asami or Korra? In what regard?

As in the better fighter, the prittiest, the smartest, the richest- wait, sorry, there’s no contest in that one lol Just kidding! 😆

I’m gonna go with Asami here. And simply because the entire series revolves around Korra (titular character, duh!) and I couldn’t ask for more of her - actually, I could but that’s not the point. Besides, I know there will be more Korra content eventualy...

I’m not saying I want Asami to be the protagonist of her own series, I like her right where she is, thank you. Even so, she’s the least explored (I even dare say “developed”) member of Team Avatar - the brothers even got their own mini web series, Republic City Hustle, depicting them 3 years prior to the main series - and to this day I’m left wanting to know more about Asami.

There’s bits and pieces told to us about her backstory. Mainly that she lost her mother at a young age and she’s well trained in self defence, but nothing’s ever shown and that’s only concerning her past. But what about her present in the series? Asami, as an individual, is rarely touched upon to the point some people think there’s nothing of substance or importance about her, besides that her money and vehicles get the protagonists to every place they need to be, reducing her to the LOK version of Appa (we all know the memes). They easily forget a lot happens to Asami, and I can’t blame them because the series never takes the time to explain to us how she manages to cope with any of it. It all happens behind the scenes. And I hate to say it but the more I think about it, I find that offencive to her character.

Thanks for asking, gray face. Sorry it took so long to asnwer...hope you enjoys the reading.

Anyone that would like to can ask more from here :)

#lokfinest answers #the legend of korra #avatar the last airbender #korrasami #korra #LOK #ATLA #asami sato #appa #naga #Toph

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papercupids · 3 years

Text

ruin us - ten lee

pairing -> ten lee x yandere!reader

warnings -> blood, mentions of a body, yandere behaviour by the reader, mentions of a knife, the reader kills someone, ten is held captive by the reader.

i do not, in anyway condone this behaviour,

genre -> yandere

word count -> 1.6k

a/n -> this was the result of a brainstorming between me and @go-shotaro,, her brain is just so awesome please. proofread by her as well :D.

Your hands fly to the cold handle of the beige drawer of your kitchen, the colour has grown dirtier, none of you had the time nor the energy to tend to it after a long day of work.

The dim light in the kitchen was enough to illuminate your actions but it failed to reach inside the drawer, as you slid your hands through it, touching the utensils to know which was which until you found the one you were looking for.

You look around again, your shabby apartment is intact. The sofa with a dust cover on it, making the black look like a cheap brown and smelling of the cigarettes you stub on it sometimes. There were half empty glasses on the center table, the water now unfit for drinking due to the paint brushes in them, the color departing from the brush and settling inside the glass.

Pages lay scattered with half made drawings there, you could vividly recognize your face on them, in different expressions and different costumes. But all you felt was a frown making its way on your face as you remember the disappointment on ten’s face.

You were his muse, always were and always will be; he assured you but something wasn’t right for now. He claimed to be in a creative rut.

You couldn’t mask the clear the drop in your self esteem then, his paintings was what brought you two together and you let the memory of him sitting there in a cafe, in a corner just beside the window where enough sunlight could luminate his work, and staring at you as you sat diagonal to him.

He approached you around 15 minutes later, softly asking if he could sketch you out, he was in a creative rut then aS WELL and a part of you was scared that even this time he’ll need a new muse to get him out of it.

You tighten your grip on the utensil in your hand, this wasn’t the time to think about this, you shook your head.

You came home to the door unlocked and the voices from inside, convinced someone had broke into your apartment. But it baffled you how of all the influential residential areas, they’d choose yours, there wasn’t a single thing of worth here.

Nevertheless, the knife in your hand was unwavering. And you took steps slowly and in a featherlight way.

There was a sane side of you that wanted to call ten and let him know about this but he’d be at work, probably working his ass out and, you glance at your watch, he was going to be home in about an hour already so there was no use in bothering him.

The door from where the voices had been coming from was the room ten had converted into his studio, with a huge easel in the corner of the room, a one seat replica of the sofa you had in your living room in the other corner.

His paints littered across the room on piles of newspaper that had been long destroyed.

The door is right in front of you and you can smell perfume in the air, way more expensive than the one bottle you had tucked away in the closet of your bathroom, and you push open the door, readying the knife.

And you let out a soft gasp.

Ten is at work, his brows furrowed, and sweat beads appearing on his skin, his concentration doesn’t faze even when the door you throw open lets out a screech. He’s still in his uniform and in any other instance you’d be complaining to him about how hard the paint is to get out of a cloth and how he should have atleast discarded the shirt before sitting down to paint, and to which he’d reply, “you don't think about these things when inspiration strikes,”

But to your horror, there's someone seated there.

And you swear that that’s when your world comes shaking down, piece by piece and you swear you can hear the cracks shattering.

There’s someone on the sofa, with a small face, a bob cut with bangs and doe eyes, you can swear she’s one of the prettiest people you’ve ever laid eyes on. Any other instance you’d swoon over her, but right now all you feel is the lump in your throat, making your hands shake and the anger that doesn’t let you drop the knife.

“Ten,” you say in a softer voice than you intend to, ten and the girl turn to you, interrupted.

Ten is pale as he looks at you, he’s unsure of what your reaction would be, he tries to be calm, but his eyes give it away.

“Babe,” his voice is honey, and it sounds like he’s capturing a wild animal that has escaped from a zoo, all you feel is the urge to stab the canvas that he’s painting on.

“Meet Lisa,” his tone is yet not changed, and Lisa offers you and looks at you with an awkward smile the same way, like a tilt of her head and you could go feral at any moment.

“What is she doing here,” it’s not a question, it’s a signal for her to pack her things and leave, and she can see it, watching her reflection in the steel.

“I- i- met her at work, i felt like i could paint her,” ten is scared, not for him, he knows how to deal with you but the fact that lisa is right beside you, your knife in the very hand she sits beside.

“You wanted her to be your muse,” you spit out, taking steps inside the room.

“If you could just put down the knife,” ten retaliates.

“You wanted her to be your muse,” you repeat, trying to grasp, was he going to replace you?

Was he going to throw an entire year of an intimate relationship for his godforsaken painting? Was he going to paint her in the same colours he did you?

It made you want to break his paintbrushes, was it more than your love?

He stands up from his stool, slowly, and walks towards you dodging the paint in his way.

“She’s not my muse, babe, that’s you, i just- you know i’ve been struggling with inspiration lately, she offered to help,” he circles around you and rubs his hand on your free arm.

“Put down the knife, babe,”

He calculates and there's a twitch in his eyebrows as he reaches your knife, and as he confirms you won’t do anything, he takes your hand around his waist and pulls you in close.

“She’s not gonna replace you, no one’s ever gonna replace you,” he whispers in your ear.

You take small and exhausted steps into the room, it almost felt like you’d faint from the lack of energy in you. You rubbed at your eyes; sore from all the crying, you hadn’t looked into a mirror, but you were sure if you did your face resembled a shell of your bright self.

You were so upset. Why did ten have to go ahead and do this?

And as you fumble for switches in the dark, the material is cold beneath your fingers, making you feel and numb at the same time. After a few clicking sounds, you finally turn on the right one.

And you’re greeted with a warm feeling, a feeling that makes you break down all over again, why did you love him that much? Why were you so weak for him?

He’s there; but he refuses to look at you, and as you inch closer to him you can see a look of fear and disgust mixed in his eyes.

“ten,” you whisper softly, afraid someone might hear you. You decide to try again for the sake of the amount of the love you had in you, that it literally ran in the blood of your veins.

“I know I’m not perfect, but I love you.”

Ten doesn’t look at you for a while, hoping you’d go away, but you sit on the floor with an urging look, wanting to make him understand your pure intentions.

He turns to you and flinches lightly, “What this is, what you’re doing and what you did, this isn’t love.”

You sigh, “how many times should i explain it to you, it was a mistake, ten. Mistakes happen.”

“Yeah, well, it might be a mistake, y/n. But she’s dead. You killed her.” and he finally dares to look at the side of the room he has been avoiding since last night.

And there’s a pool of blood right there, a knife adorning the body which laid lifelessly there.

The ends of your eyes are burning, tears threatening to fall again as you make an attempt to clear yourself again.

“She would have taken you away from me,” you whisper, hoping he’d get it, but it just causes him to snarl and struggle at the binds around his hands.

“What the fuck are you going on about? We were going just perfect before this. If you trusted me just a bit, you wouldn’t have done this.”

“I did it because I didn't wanna let her ruin us, baby.”

He flinches again at the nickname, a day ago, he’d have felt proud and happy that he’d finally found someone who loved him. But now it just felt bitter.

You throw your hands up in withdrawal, “fine, if you wanna keep being this way, then i’m not gonna stop you,”

“You can stay here and look at your friend until I've found a way to deal with her.” and you get up and turn away from the room, switching off the light.

“Have fun,” even in the dark, ten could see the smirk that painted your lips. He had no option but to give in.

networks - @prism-nw & @neoturtles

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luvlyrv · 3 years

Text

Our Songs | Extra | Wendy x F!Reader SM!AU

Word Count: 1.4k

A/N: So happy to say this series is completely finished now!! Enjoy!! I'm moving onto more projects and hopefully can wrap up some one shots I've been working on. This is a different style from what I usually do since it is an extra, warning that the post looks really long because it's in bulleted style lol

Date: 9/1/21

Series Masterlist

after your confession with wendy you were stuck with an enormous burst of energy

you were on cloud nine, a seemingly never-ending high

you decided not to text wendy the day right after

you didn't want her to think you regretted anything but you also didn't want to seem too clingy

also it didn't help that just thinking about her was enough to throw you into cardiac arrest

you didn't receive any notifications from wendy either

it was a bit disappointing, but you assumed she was also trying to take in the shock of it all

trying to take your mind off of wendy you spend an entire day running around your house

you pick up your instruments and have the jam of your life

emotional highs are very good for your creativity it seems

you decide to record some things and save some drafts

who knows if it'll be useful in the future?

you worked till you felt dead tired and like you couldn't have another thought in your brain

even after you spent an entire day trying to exert your nervous and elated energy you were still hesitating on texting wendy when you woke up

but you missed her so much already

so you send a text asking her how she feels

she says she feels okay, and then asks about you

'yeah, i'm okay too'

your conversation was rocky

things weren't going as smooth as before

and it was evident that it was because the both of you had no idea how to behave

you took a deep breath before texting her your question

'so, can i take you on that first date?'

you see a bubble showing that she was texting

and then it disappeared

before showing up again

and disappearing

and- ugh! your heart was racing waiting for her answer

i mean, she liked you back right? so why would she say no?

'yeah, of course! :)'

whew, okay, looked like you almost made a big deal out of nothing

little did you know wendy was freaking out

she was a bit embarrassed at herself, acting as if she was a high school kid in love or something

it took wayyy too much concentration for her to type out something sensible

but she was excited for you to finally ask

you were also excited for her to say yes

your first date is at the downtown center

there was a festival and you were hoping to enjoy all the effort the artisans put into their work with wendy

you're walking with her through the numerous stalls set up

as the both of you admire the beautiful crafts set on display your hand reaches for hers

you feel the pressure of her hand squeezing back and you look at her

she looks at you and giggles

you didn't even realize what you were doing

'oh, i'm sorry. i didn't mean to do that suddenly.' you freak out and let go of her hand

you're worried that she was laughing at you and that she didn't want to hold hands

'it's okay! i thought it was cute'

she reaches out for you and you don't let go this time

instead you enjoy how happy she seems to be sharing this moment with you

and out in public too

later on you both go to the square where there were musicians

the sun was beginning to set, allowing for beautiful lighting and you appreciated songs you've never listened to before

wendy tugs at your arm while still staring at the performers

'i hope we can perform up there someday. together.'

you smile at her as she still looks on

'i think we will.' you assure her

finally night hits and you both call it a day

you walk her to her car and stop her

you kiss her forehead

'so, will there be a second?' you ask with a smile

you feel like you already know the answer

'i think that sounds great.'

life with wendy in it became easy

you guys seldom fought

and even when you did at least one of you would make something for the other

dropping it off at the doorstep and leaving an apology note

and after enough time of cooling down you would always come back to each other, talking out your problems from before

you personally felt like your work improved as well

wendy had become your muse

you sought to create tracks that would impress her

or that would be worthy of having her voice in it

and you felt like it was easier to write lyrics

because every experience with wendy created new feelings

feelings that you could hardly describe sometimes

when you guys decided to finally start working on your second collaboration you busted out the drafts you created long ago

wendy was impressed after sitting down and listening to your drafts

'woah, how many hidden gems do you have on your computer?'

'well, these ones in particular i made on the same day. the day after i confessed to you.'

you're both flustered

because it's easy to tell the kind of state you were in by the songs

wendy takes your hand and kisses it gently as your music continued to play

'you must think of me pretty highly, if the thought of me compelled you to make something so incredible'

you heat up at her cheesiness

'oh stop it.'

the two of you end up choosing a refreshing feeling/sound for the album

'cause you recharge me every time i see you!' she says

when you guys are almost done producing the album, that was when you went on the dinner date with wendy

the one where you guys would finally confess to the world

after recording and uploading the announcement video the both of you decided to turn off your notifications and avoid reading people's reactions

instead you guys opted to spend the rest of the day baking and then watching a movie together

the both of you decided that it would be stressful to engage with your audience right away, and that's why it took a full day for you both to check your phones again

both seulgi and yeri already knew about your relationship but they both flooded you guys with congratulations anyways

they just wanted you to know they were proud of your bravery!

besides them, both of your families already knew and didn't comment much

they'd already stated how they think you're good for each other when you guys had visited together

especially your younger cousin

cause apparently she's a big fan of wendy and is definitely not using you as a way to get close to her idol

and is definitely not bragging about her how cousin is 'super super cool and famous and is dating another famous person and i think they'll be rich someday!!! so get on my nice side!'

you're happy to see that a lot of fans are happy for your relationship

wendy just keeps telling you 'of course they are, who wouldn't for a cute ass couple like us?'

it was at that point that you guys had decided to save up and move into a nice place together

you guys had talked about future plans before

not only that, but you had been practically living together already

between all the dates that lead to seemingly indefinite sleepovers

and the recent collaboration that made you guys be stuck together

it was really you guys living at each other's place weeks at a time

when you guys move in you're grateful

because you get to experience all the little things from her even more

some nights when you're stressed she rubs circles on your back to help you sleep

when you guys shower together she takes her time to carefully wash your hair

it was those deeply intimate moments that made you the happiest

both of your careers were doing really well due to the reception of your second collab and all the media fuss that happened with your dating annoucement

you both still have solo careers and interact with other musicians

but along with moving in, you guys decided to become a duo and consistently create music together

in the morning when you share breakfast you always remind her how good life is and how thankful you are

#wendy x reader #red velvet scenarios #red velvet imagines #rv imagines #rv x reader #rv scenarios #gg x reader #kpop imagines #kpop writing #kpop au #son seungwan #girl group scenarios #girl group imaines

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iamkidfish · 3 years

Note

just wanted to pop by and thank you for the cazzie fic! i've been obsessed with them lately so having one of my fave fic authors write them really helped me cope. if you ever have the time i would love it if you could write something where leah is jealous of dot cuz she thinks there is something between dot and fatin, and fatin realizing this. thanks, have a great day!

thanks for your kind words! <3

here's a quick little 900 words for your prompt! also on ao3

Honestly, Fatin should’ve figured it out weeks ago (she’s usually better at this stuff) and she’s a little bit annoyed at herself for how long it took, even though the lack of food, sleep, orgasms, and the overall health benefits of spending your summer vacay shipwrecked on a deserted island has made her brain tragically lackadaisical in the social comprehension department, except of course, if the certain social interaction involves death or threats of injury, then she pays attention.

Still, Fatin has eyes. Eyes that have categorized and tracked every single other girl on this island, so she knows a thing or two about patterns of behavior and all that other junk about observational studies from her AP Psych class she took last fall. Between getting a five on the AP Exam and predicting the Toni/Shelby hookup (listen, they just had too much weird sexual energy between them for something to be not going on), she really deserves some sort of medal to recognize her achievements. But then, it’d have to be revoked too, on account of her being an idiot the past few weeks.

The evidence becomes even more glaringly obvious and Fatin’s forced to see what’s in front of her face: Leah has feelings for her, feelings that sometimes make Leah more territorial of Fatin than usual.

Maybe she should do some of her own unpacking of why that realization has her stomach doing flips, especially every time they all have a meal on the beach, and Fatin notices how Leah chooses to sit down next to her more often than not, sitting so close sometimes their knees knock together.

It starts small, of course. Interactions Fatin would deem inconsequential, if she wasn’t so in tune with Leah’s general state of being—which, on the island, teeters between fragile and volatile, at best—so really the first hints aren’t really hints at all, until she’s looking back and includes them with the rest of the examples. By themselves though, a few moments here and there when Leah looks at her funny aren’t anything substantial. It certainly happens other times too, not just when Fatin is pretending to flirt with Dot, like when she sticks around and helps Dot with the inventory, or like last week when they all voted in favor of recon missions into the woods (to scope out more potential relocation spots ) and Fatin voted for Dot’s argument without even really thinking, and then volunteered to go on said recon missions with Dot, when everyone knows walking in the woods, or walking in general, isn’t her favorite thing, or like—

Okay, maybe Fatin is noticing a pattern now. But if she’s only just realized something odd about Leah’s behavior, the rest of the girls, especially Dot, are blissfully oblivious. Fair enough, staying alive has got to take up most of everyone's time and energy, so there really is no time for the type of drama Fatin used to live for, back before the island. That’s her old life now, she supposes, before a plane ride irrevocably changed the trajectory of her life forever.

In the end, Dot helps her in the most Dot way possible, because of course; she’s helped Fatin in every other way on this island, why not one more of Fatin’s predicaments for her to solve? Dot helps Fatin and doesn’t even realize it, just wanders over to her one day and tells her, tonelessly, “Leah wanted to switch with me for firewood duty today. Weird, since she hates it.”

It’s like she has the last puzzle piece to figuring everything out, but then suddenly, the puzzle goes missing. Later, when they’re walking through the woods, various shaped branches and sticks in hand, Fatin tries to get a read on what Leah really seems to be feeling, but the other girl is guarded with her emotions for once, and they only make small talk while doing their chore.

Thankfully, it’s that night that everything finally clicks into place. Fatin’s dozing, almost asleep, when she feels the sand shift around her, meaning Leah’s turning over to try to get comfortable. (Another thing Fatin now notices, Leah makes it a point to claim sleeping space next to Fatin most nights.) She tries to keep her breath even so Leah doesn’t suspect she’s still awake—not that anything would happen right now, they’re surrounded by the six other girls, most of them who are probably still awake. Fatin feels the sand shift again and imagines Leah’s arm moving to tuck itself under her head. It’s her own preferred way of sleeping, using her upper arm as a pillow and having the rest of her arm and hand stick out. Instead, she feels the soft heat of Leah’s hand on hers, just barely, as her pinky finger loops itself around Fatin’s own finger. There’s a second where Fatin feels both of their heartbeats (she hopes Leah can’t tell hers has ticked considerably uptempo) before they sync up, beating as one.

Fatin doesn’t dare open her eyes, she just lays there listening to the roll of the waves and feels the thrum of both of their hearts beating together, under the stars.

(In the morning, Toni shoots her an eyebrow-waggling when she walks over to wake them both up and sees their hands tangled together (Fatin wonders when that happened during the night) but she doesn’t even care.)

#the wilds #the wilds fic #leah rilke #fatin jadmani #leah x fatin #leatin #dot campbell #jealous!leah is my fav #watch in real time how i remember how to write leatin lol #my writing

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valatheapprentice · 3 years

Text

Magick to medicine

Vala x Julian (first meeting before death)

(This is Arthur)

The slamming of the door echoes in memory in my head, bouncing off the walls of my aching chest. Asra left. Of course he left. I yelled at him to go. I dry swallow my growing guilt as my legs give from under me. Falling onto the textured floor beneath me, I rake my hands through my hair as my thoughts are pushed around between hating myself and my anger towards him. Tears stain my burning skin as I sink into my knees as my nails drag across my scalp.

Its not long before Arthur's pawing at my leg. With a wet sniff, I reach towards his soft fur. Letting my leg fall flush to the wooden floor, he climbs on and clings to the drape of my dress. His resting panic expression is replaced by confusion and sadness. "I dont know." I whispered. "This isn't like before, baby boy. Things went really far this time. I just... No. No. You know what? Fuck him. Im going to do something to help around here and then... and..." my voice breaks at my pitiful attempt. He climbs further up my chest just as my eye start to burn.

I reach for my necklace to find nothing on my chest. Next to me, a gold clasp lays on the dull floor, all thats left of it since he left. The colorless gravity of the fight, of my words, crashes around me. I cling to my familiar for dear life. For hours, I weep as my voice echoes in the stale air around us. Though Arthur helps sooth my soul, it still breaks like a rock to a window.

My eyes eventually dry. A buzzing ache pounds behind the skin of my face. An itch forms inside of me, small but vocal. I take a few less shakey breaths before scooping him in my arms as I rise to my feet. I groan as my back finally straightens out. "I'm sorry baby boy." I stretch the muscles of my legs. "But I cant stay here any longer. I need to get out. Maybe get a drink." A purring of disapprove vibrates in my arms as I pick my bag up from the table. "I'm sorry.. I just... can't take another second like this..." He wiggles in my arms before jumping out and scurries to his bed. With a sigh, I tie my bag to my belt and walk out of the door.

I walk through the moon lit streets, through the night time patrons shopping and drinking in their own jovial light. The smiles and laughter of my neighbors feel a world away. My feet move, my hands wrap around my stomach, but I do not feel in control of my movements. I make my way through Vesuvia with a numbing haze surrounding my brain. Its not until I walk into a man do I snap out of my daze. I apologize and look around. I couldn't tell you where I am but this street feels strangely familiar. To my left, the sound of yelling and laughter permeates the crowd around me. I look over to the sign above it. The Rowdy Raven. It sounds as good of a place as any. With a deep breath I make my way inside.

Once I walk through the flimsy door, the pungent aroma of liquor and body odor meets my nose. I have to laugh to myself. Its been years since I've been in a bar like this. I squeeze and shuffle through the ruffians until I finally rest myself on a stool. I prop myself against the too as the bar keep walks up to me. "What can I do ya for?" He asked.

"Um." I look around at the other patrons. "I'm not sure. Whats good around here?"

A laugh comes from beside me. I turn my head to the tall, lanky man beside me. He meets my gaze with a crooked smile. "Get the girl a salty bitter, my good man."

I raise my eyebrow at him. "That sounds absolutely horrible."

"Oh it is." He takes a large gulp of his dwindling drink. "Won't be able to stop drinking it."

And soon a large pint of the beverage is placed in front of me before another is given to the man. I raise it and toast him. "To our livers." He chuckles and clinks his glass against mine. I raise it to my lips. After a moment of mild saltiness, im aggressively greeted with a gross, bitter flavor that swells in my mouth, lingering on my tongue as my face pinches together. "Good gods! Why the hell would you-" I yell, calling for the laughter of the man. It doesn't register at first that I'm reaching for another sip. "Why the fuck do I like this?"

He shrugs into his drink. "No one knows. Nothing short of black magick, I'd reckon."

I let out a laugh. "Yeah. I can see that."

I suffer through another sip before he faces me again. "Julian."

I turn my head to meet his gaze. "Vala. Pleasure to meet you."

"Oh trust me, the pleasure is all mine." He eyes me once over before grinning wider. "So what is a pretty think like you doing in a place like this?"

I shake my head, a smile planted firm on my lips. I turn my body towards him. I scan from his chest to his face. Bags weigh around his eyes that compliment the mismatched smile he flashes. I take in his disposition, surprisingly very drawn to him. He couldn't have picked a worse night for this. I sigh and reach for my glass. "Fight with my boyfriend. Pretty bad one..."

A wave of disappointment fades in and out before returning to a small smile. "What better place to talk about it than woth a stranger you'll never see again?"

I hesitate for a moment. I really do not want to think about it. My chest still weighs heavy with the words we spat out before. But something about him is just... welcoming. Troubled? Maybe. But misery loves company. "He wanted to leave. The plague is just... getting so much worse. He wanted to take me and leave Vesuvia. But like... this is my home. These are my people. I cant leave if there's something I can do to help. I'm just not sure how. It got heated. I said things I wouldn't have. I threw a necklace he got me at him and told him to leave and not come back..." I rush to finish as my voice begins to crack.

I finish my drink and signal for another. Through the side of my vision I see him do the same as one of his hands comb and pull at his hair. "Yeah. Just when I think it can't get worse, they do. Gods if only I could..." he says in a low, pained voice.

I look at him, his energy growing more and more tense. I reach out and rest my hand on his shoulder. "You seem like you need to talk too."

"Yeah." He huffs. "I just happen to be one of the doctors working on a cure. Its bad enough we are no closer to finding a cure, but, and of course!" He throws his hand up and let's it fall back on to the bar top. "I lost yet another apprentice. Im just... I'm sorry. Its just been a lot."

My heart twists just trying to imagine what he's had to go through. What he's seen. I gently rub my hand in a circle around his shoulder. "Well. Maybe we could use each other." He looks pointedly at me. "I need to help in some way. You need an apprentice-"

"Oh no." He shakes his head. "No way I'm pulling someone in on a whim. Thats just reckless. Even for me."

"Most things I do are on a whim." I press the bitter to my lips. "Besides. Id have someone who knows what their doing making sure I don't do anything stupid."

He looks at me like a toddler who's been too quiet. "As desperate as we are, I cant just say yes. Its too much of a gamble." His words just barely start to slur.

I feel my heart sink as I look around the bar. Off in a corner is a knife stuck in a hanging peice of wood. "Do you believe in fate, doctor?"

I look back to him to meet a puzzled expression. "I hardly think this is the time to get philosophical."

I point behind me. "What do you say? 3 good throws and you got yourself a new apprentice."

"Are you actually insane?" He laughs. "Thats not... do you even know how to throw a knife?"

I shake my head. "Not at all. Wouldn't be the most dangerous thing I've done though."

He looks at me, unsure of how to respond. He stares for a brief moment. "So you really want to gamble with your life twice in one night?"

"Better than sitting at home doing nothing." I say. "Besides, id have a very skilled and very handsome doctor to look after me." My fingers tip around his arm. By the way his cheeks flush further, surely he's drank enough to convince.

He laughs softly. "Taking advantage of this, huh?" He tips back the rest of his drink and looks off into space for a few seconds. "I cant believe I'm far enough gone to consider this."

With out warning, I grab his hand and lead him through the staggering crowd to the spot. I pull the knife from the wall as he scratches the back of his neck. I step back a few paces and stare at the board. "Alright. I get these, and I get to help find a cure."

"Fine." He sighs, though amusement shine through on his face. "And if you don't?"

"I dont know." I look back to his long and pale sillihoette. He's brushed his hair from his tired face. Completely different from Asra. Maybe thats why I feel so drawn to him, though I cant be sure. All I know is I need something . "I'll let you choose."

I wink at his reddening face. I look back to the board and take aim.

#the arcana #the arcana game #the arcana apprentice #the arcane mc #the arcana asra #julian devorak #the arcana julian

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