the thing about art is that it was always supposed to be about us, about the human-ness of us, the impossible and beautiful reality that we (for centuries) have stood still, transfixed by music. that we can close our eyes and cry about the same book passage; the events of which aren't real and never happened. theatre in shakespeare's time was as real as it is now; we all laugh at the same cue (pursued by bear), separated hundreds of years apart.
three years ago my housemates were jamming outdoors, just messing around with their instruments, mostly just making noise. our neighbors - shy, cautious, a little sheepish - sat down and started playing. i don't really know how it happened; i was somehow in charge of dancing, barefoot and laughing - but i looked up, and our yard was full of people. kids stacked on the shoulders of parents. old couples holding hands. someone had brought sidewalk chalk; our front walk became a riot of color. someone ran in with a flute and played the most astounding solo i've ever heard in my life, upright and wiggling, skipping as she did so. she only paused because the violin player was kicking his heels up and she was laughing too hard to continue.
two weeks ago my friend and i met in the basement of her apartment complex so she could work out a piece of choreography. we have a language barrier - i'm not as good at ASL as i'd like to be (i'm still learning!) so we communicate mostly through the notes app and this strange secret language of dancers - we have the same movement vocabulary. the two of us cracking jokes at each other, giggling. there were kids in the basement too, who had been playing soccer until we took up the far corner of the room. one by one they made their slow way over like feral cats - they laid down, belly-flat against the floor, just watching. my friend and i were not in tutus - we were in slouchy shirts and leggings and socks. nothing fancy. but when i asked the kids would you like to dance too? they were immediately on their feet and spinning. i love when people dance with abandon, the wild and leggy fervor of childhood. i think it is gorgeous.
their adults showed up eventually, and a few of them said hey, let's not bother the nice ladies. but they weren't bothering us, they were just having fun - so. a few of the adults started dancing awkwardly along, and then most of the adults. someone brought down a better sound system. someone opened a watermelon and started handing out slices. it was 8 PM on a tuesday and nothing about that day was particularly special; we might as well party.
one time i hosted a free "paint along party" and about 20 adults worked quietly while i taught them how to paint nessie. one time i taught community dance classes and so many people showed up we had to move the whole thing outside. we used chairs and coatracks to balance. one time i showed up to a random band playing in a random location, and the whole thing got packed so quickly we had to open every door and window in the place.
i don't think i can tell you how much people want to be making art and engaging with art. they want to, desperately. so many people would be stunning artists, but they are lied to and told from a very young age that art only matters if it is planned, purposeful, beautiful. that if you have an idea, you need to be able to express it perfectly. this is not true. you don't get only 1 chance to communicate. you can spend a lifetime trying to display exactly 1 thing you can never quite language. you can just express the "!!??!!!"-ing-ness of being alive; that is something none of us really have a full grasp on creating. and even when we can't make what we want - god, it feels fucking good to try. and even just enjoying other artists - art inherently rewards the act of participating.
i wasn't raised wealthy. whenever i make a post about art, someone inevitably says something along the lines of well some of us aren't that lucky. i am not lucky; i am dedicated. i have a chronic condition, my hands are constantly in pain. i am not neurotypical, nor was i raised safe. i worked 5-7 jobs while some of these memories happened. i chose art because it mattered to me more than anything on this fucking planet - i would work 80 hours a week just so i could afford to write in 3 of them.
and i am still telling you - if you are called to make art, you are called to the part of you that is human. you do not have to be good at it. you do not have to have enormous amounts of privilege. you can just... give yourself permission. you can just say i'm going to make something now and then - go out and make it. raquel it won't be good though that is okay, i don't make good things every time either. besides. who decides what good even is?
you weren't called to make something because you wanted it to be good, you were called to make something because it is a basic instinct. you were taught to judge its worth and over-value perfection. you are doing something impossible. a god's ability: from nothing springs creation.
a few months ago i found a piece of sidewalk chalk and started drawing. within an hour i had somehow collected a small classroom of young children. their adults often brought their own chalk. i looked up and about fifteen families had joined me from around the block. we drew scrangly unicorns and messed up flowers and one girl asked me to draw charizard. i am not good at drawing. i basically drew an orb with wings. you would have thought i drew her the mona lisa. she dragged her mother over and pointed and said look! look what she drew for me and, in the moment, i admit i flinched (sorry, i don't -). but the mother just grinned at me. he's beautiful. and then she sat down and started drawing.
someone took a picture of it. it was in the local newspaper. the summary underneath said joyful and spontaneous artwork from local artists springs up in public gallery. in the picture, a little girl covered in chalk dust has her head thrown back, delighted. laughing.
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Dream from last night.
I was in a car with my sis and her best friend. We drove past one yellow wooden house. Tiny and old. It’s chimney had collapsed and smoke was rising from somewhere. We stopped and I hopped out and smelled smoke, announcing it out loud so that sis’ best friend could call fire fighters.
I myself rushed on the yard, noticing that the smoke was coming from the ground. There had been something which had exploded and was still smoking with small flames. I started to toss snow on the flames when small fire/oil bomb exploded a bit further away. I yelled my sis and her friend to stay away since there were hidden bombs.
I next noticed thin black body inside the grass by my side, then some spots of red. I soon realized it was Shadow the Hedgehog and he was badly hurt. Don’t know WHAT he was doing there, but I picked him up, noticing his left leg was gone. It had either burned off or exploded. I carried him bit further away, yelling we need ambulance too since there’s someone injured. I started to take care of him when a woman, maybe even sis’ bestie, came to me. She said he needs to be put down but I said there’s no reason to. He will recover and I will take him to live with me, take care of him. She then looked at me asking: “How about your children? How they will react on his missing leg?” She was honestly more or less displeased with the idea of kids seeing a person missing a leg.
I told her - a lie - that my kids would be fine since ever since they were small, I had shown them pics of cats missing first 1 toe, then 2 toes, 3 toes, whole paw, part of the leg, whole leg etc. A lie was that I had no kids :’D I don’t know why I had lied about that to her earlier at some point. But she seemed to believe this.
I then ended up in my old neighbor’s kitchen back in my hometown with sis. The husband was home with his 2 oldest child. We all sat around the table in the kitchen as he talked to us. At first all was okay but then he started to tell us which things are most important in life. When he said “education”, he gave me a weird but short glare. I instantly got pissed since, yes, I have no education in this life (not after being bullied for 5 years by kids, teacher and headmaster of the school). I stood up, saying with slight angry voice:
“Of course you looked at ME when you said education!”
He started to talk but I didn’t let him. I talked over him over and over again until I managed to shut him up. I said with anger:
“If I have food in my fridge, it’s nothing away from you! You still have food in your fridge! If I have money in my wallet, it’s nothing away from you since you still have money in your own wallet! That what I have or get is never nothing away from someone else!”
I think I ranted a bit more until we came in my old home’s living room. He was already sitting on the black leather couch as I sat on the chair, huffing with arms crossed over my chest. He asked:
“What would you like to do in life as a job if you could?”
“Take care of horses.” I said, but soon continued: “But I can’t do even that without education because apparently you are NOT capable of doing such job with 10+ years of experience. It means nothing. Hell, I know how to take care of horses!”
My dream ended here but I will explain my real life experience about horses below.
And that is all true. My father, back in the days, got himself a stallion foal (and he still has this stallion, 25 years later). He was 1 year old when we got him. At first he was solely my father’s responsibility but as an animal lover and as a child who enjoyed physical activities, I was always with him, watching how he took care of the stallion. Slowly dad started to give me tasks. “Feed him at 4pm with these. Keep checking he has water constantly during the hot summer days etc.” simple stuff like that because he knew I could do them. But eventually, when he noticed I was able to handle the stallion if / when he escaped from the fence etc. he left him completely in my care.
I think he also lost his interest on him more or less because our stallion was very afraid about his ears. No human or nothing not-living couldn’t touch them without him freaking out so bad! He had some temper too but he wasn’t bad stallion because, hey, he could had been worse.
So, then for over years and years, it was I who took care of him. Around the clock, summer or winter. Father, at times, fed him around 5am before he went to work but most of the time that was my job. Not only I took care of the stallion, but when father agreed to take working horse mare from his sister (who couldn’t handle the mare with any of her family members), yup, it was I who started to take care of her too. Not that I minded since I loved her! She was big and strong! I always had wanted a big horse someday in my life!
She, like our stallion, had her faults, and I had days when I felt really pissed about taking care of them constantly all by myself. I never minded about HELPING father take care of them but leaving them COMPLETELY on ME... With that I was not okay with.
But still, I mostly have good memories and experiences. I took care of them both for years and years before we sold our house and we all moved in different places to live. Dad naturally took the horses. The mare, sadly, passed last year because of old age. She was over 30.
I got a little lost about the topic but in all seriousness: NO matter HOW MUCH experience you have in Finland about things, like I have about taking care of horses, YOU CAN’T GET A JOB, not even as a waitress, if you DON’T HAVE EDUCATION. But there’s another twist. You also CAN’T GET a job if you have TOO GOOD EDUCATION / if you have study TOO MUCH! Seriously, there has been cases in the news and on social media where people have said:
“I was in a job interview and after I showed my CV to the person who interviewed me, they said I am too educated and therefor not suitable for the job! I was not hired even that I was perfect for the job!”
“I have sent over 500 job applications in each month and I never get a reply! Or if I do, it’s always something such as: “Thank you for your interested towards us but sadly you were not chosen.” I’ve education and I’m good at my job but none of that doesn’t seem to matter.”
etc.
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